Thanks a million, Jan! God Bless! Many Hugs and Angels!!!

Your Pal Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Hi Dottie, I wish I could bring Alex back to you too. And all the other furbabies I've come to know here at LS. Gosh, I know what you mean about the aches and pains. I feel like have aged 20 yrs in the past 4mo. Be good to yourself. Take a break if need be.. Thinking of you..Hugs.. Ann

Oh My Gosh {{{{{Ann}}}}} You, too. It's heck, ain't it? Oy. Oy and Triple Oy. Thank you so much for your kindness, support, well wishes and ... Please take care of You!!! You are in my thoughts and prayers as always.

Tons of Comforting and Healing Hugs and Many Loving Angels!!!

Your Pal Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

BUBBA!!! OMG!!! I only just saw this one. ROFL!!! LOL!!! Will do! Thanks and More Hugs!!!
Your Pal Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

PS. It's going on 3:50 AM here and I'm turning in now. Nighty Nite and Zzzzzzz . . .

For my Mostest Bestest Friend, Companion, My Heart, My Soul and the Wind beneath my Wings Alex! This is for you, My Treasured Feather Child!

I Miss You and Love You Sooooo Much!!!

Hey Dottie-I received an Email saying I was added to a friends list but could not find any info that you sent.Perhaps I am looking at the wrong spot.I am a little slow on this computer stuff.Talk to ya a little later tonite.Bubba................

Oh, what beautiful birds!

I'm thinking Alex really likes this song!!!

Jan.

Hey, Bubba! Remember that old Gallagher skit where he says, "Here, let me help you. You're so stoopid." Then he says he hands people a sign to wear saying that they're stoopid? OMG! LOL! Nope, I ain't talkin' about you. I only just figured out how to work the add friends feature here at LS so Gallagher told me he'd help me cuz I'm so stoopid, handed me my sign, I'm wearin' it right now and I'll share with you what comedian Gallagher explained to me as to how to do it. I won't even smash any watermelons with a sledge hammer when I tell you how. Hehehe!

Oh, I have something really great for both you and me to post on your thread after having read your latest response. Sorry about getting back so late to you but ... Hey, just deal with it, dude. OMG! I did not tell you that! I am sooooo bad. Heh. Be talkin' atcha soon on your thread. Mmmmkay? Also, I found and enhanced the images for the song. Very fitting regarding our conversations and I sure hope you enjoy, Dear One.

Hugs, Love and Peace to You, your Dear Wife, Willy, Lily and all the rest of the Gang! Hugs!!!

Always, Dottie xoxoxox



{{{{{{{Jan}}}}}}} He sure does! He loved it when I'd sing that to him on many mornings when he'd first get up. As he got older, he needed a little time to wake up, drink his birdie coffee, wipe the sleep from his eyes so I'd sing something less enthusiastic. It's a song that my late Kenny used to sing to me whenever I had a severe headache and it worked every time. I'm serious. My headache got less and less and was gone by about the fifth time he sang it. Kenny never sang for anyone but he was so dear to do that for me cuz it cured my headaches. You've probably never heard of it but Kenny said he and his classmates would sing it in school when he was a kid and it goes like this ...

Good Morning to you.
Good Morning to you.
We're all in our places.
With bright shining faces.
Good Morning to you.
Good Morning to you.

If I can find the melody for that anywhere, I'll edit it in and post it here. Anyway, it's very mellow and suited grumpy Alex when he got a bit older and needed more time to wake when he emerged from his nest box to greet the day and to greet me, of course.

Love you so much, Jan! Tons of Hugs, Love, Peace, Hope and Faith!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

PS. This is October the first. On October the 11th, that's the last day I ever saw my precious Alex. On October the 13th that was the last time I ever heard his sweet voice as he spoke to me on the phone during one of my calls to Ida to see how he was. His last words to me were over and over and over: "I LOVE YOU!" Big kiss sound! "I LOVE YOU!" Big kiss sound! "I LOVE YOU!" Big kiss sound! And again and again ...

So tonight, I'm going to post his very, very, very favorite song in the whole wide world since he was a baby which I've said many times on this thread is "Lullaby of Broadway." It's from an old movie production staring Doris Day and really wonderful! I picked out the neatest images and enhanced them, too. Hope you come back to enjoy. More Hugs!!!

Hi Alex! I was going to wait until October the 16th which is the one year anniversary of ... When you didn't come home to post this for you. But! I simply cannot wait. Here it is, my boogie-oogie-oogie Baby. Your very favorite song in the whole wide world since you were a baby, broke your leg and I made and carried you around in a papoose while you healed. I would sing this to you softly when it was time for you to nap as I sat so still on the sofa. I knew you were sound asleep, contented and having beautiful dreams as soon as I heard the click, click, click of your beak on the Elizabethan collar you had to wear around you're neck so you wouldn't pick at the bandages. Awww! Such sweet memories.

Then, I always sang this to you every single night without fail to tuck you in at your nest box. Oh boy howdy, you made certain that I didn't stop singing until you'd were ready to drift off into the land of mystical, magical, marvelous dreams. Here you go, My Most Beloved Darling Feather Child Alex!!!

Dearest Alex, you know it's the honest to God truth that I do not have one vindictive bone in my body. I am talking Earthly Justice for having murdered you. You. Who were my companion animal, best friend in the world I ever had both animal and human, my company who could actually carry meaningful conversations the same "as a normal 4 to 5 year old human child." My heart, my soul, my life for God sake. But that ain't it either. What kind of unconscionable Monster would not only murder an innocent, sweet, loving, compassionate, playful, intelligent as hell creature such as yourself who happened to have, according to objective experts, the same cognizance, reasoning ability, behavior, emotions, speech and other vocalization capabilities and so much more as that of a "normal" four to five year old human child? Dammit, you had all those attributes ... And so much more .... And so much more ... But! Also rob a defenseless, disabled old lady?

Betrayal!!!

Alex, I can't get them much prison time for having murdered you but I have enough on two of the Monsters to put the "ring leader" behind bars for a minimum of 15 to 25 years not including early release 'for good behavior'. I have enough on one of the females to put her behind bars for at least five to 7 years, And, I have enough on the "man with the van" female Monster to have her jailed for at least three years ... Or deported. I do have enough on ALL of them to take everything they own as in their businesses, put freezes on all their bank accounts, other assets and ... It goes on like the Ever Ready Bunny. Yeah, they are other charges but any port in a storm and I do this because of them murdering you.

That having been said and since I'm in such a good mood about them going behind bars and possibly not surviving there ...

THEY ARE MONSTERS!!! Make no mistake about that. Therefore, I dedicate this song to all three of those unconscionable Monsters with empty dark eyes and no souls because ... Well, we know where their souls are already. Enjoy, my Most Treasured Feather Child! I know I will! Heh! Here you go Sweet Baby Alex. Dedicated to the Monsters that murdered you!!! May they all three have some giggles while they're still able to see the light of day and not behing bars yet!!!

Yah Dottie!

And may they one day feel every bit of pain inflicted on both you and Alex so they may fully understand the effects of what they have done. And the same to Ziggy's murderer(s).

lots of love

Jan.

Dottie

This song is from Alex to you!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RY0jeTTfSns

Jan.

JAN!!! ROFLMBO!!!! I love that song but this is one is so much funnier to me. It's still Monty Python, same song sung the same way but from the movie Life of Brian ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxQgXgS5G3c

Yep, I gots a sick sense 'o humor sometimes. LOL!!!

Love You Bunches!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Hahaha... well it's got me a-whistling!

Jan.

LOL!!! Jan, I'm sure glad you liked it and it made you whistle, too. Okay, something special for Alex now. Please excuse me while at "talk at him" for a minute. Hugs!!!

Dearest Alex, you know that I mean you absolutely no disrespect whatsoever. But, you loved this video as much as I do! Oh, I'm sure you most likely didn't know what the meaning of the words were that are said in this comedy skit. Still you laughed and laughed as well as making your happy sounds. It could have been due to their accents or the audience laughing or both. I'm going to put in bold where you laughed and did your happy sounds the biggest. Okay. This is for you, my Treasured Alex. Smile and Laugh! I Love You Sooooo Much!!!






Monty Python "Dead Parrot" Sketch"

A customer enters a pet shop.
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner: We're closin' for lunch.

Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...

(owner hits the cage)

Owner: There, he moved!

Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

Owner: I never!!

Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything...

Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?

Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Owner: No no! 'E's pining!

Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

(pause)

Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.

Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Owner: I got a slug.

(pause)

Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?

Owner: Nnnnot really.

Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Mr. Praline: Well.

(pause)

Owner: (quietly) Tell ya what, mate. If you go to my brother's shop, 'el replace your parrot for you.

Mr. Praline: Well, all right then.

Hi Alex. Well, it's the same 'ol same 'ol with me. I must admit that I do take great delight talking with Bubba and Bless his Heart!!! And I sure do take pleasure in caring, sharing and doing my very best to comfort all those in so much sorrow, pain, and grief the best way I can here at LS. I certainly do!

However, I very, very, very much dread October the 11th which is the one year anniversary of the last time I ever saw you. And October the 13th which is the very last time I heard your sweet voice as you spoke to me on the phone. Of course, I tremendously dread October the 16th when you were murdered by those Monsters ...

Yeah, I know. I know. Nothing ever remains the same. I'm just sayin' that I am reliving it all as though it happened yesterday and it's all coming around again. So don't mind if
I fall apart because there's more room in a broken heart. I just don't feel like playin' the game. Know what I mean? Still, I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to react when those days arrive within the next week or so.

I honestly have no clue as to how I'll feel or ... Like I said: It's all coming around again.

Gosh dang it! I am so freaking tired of trying to fargin' cheer myself up! I am serious! Dad Snab Uh Frab Ah Labul Labadabits!!! I could just spit!!! Patoooiiieeeee!!!

Ahhh Much Better! I'm done now. Bye bye.

I know what you mean. I don't think I could spit like that, can you hack one up for me..Thanks friend.. Ann

{{{{{{{Ann}}}}}}} Sure thing! Ut oh. Lookie over there. The sign says that spitting strictly Es ist verboten. See?



Awww. Tough noogies! I'm gonna hack up a biggun just for ya anyways. Heh!
Here goes ...




Woo Hoo! Didn't that feel better, Ann? You betcha!

Tons of Hugs and Love!!!

Your Pal Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Hi, Alex. Firstly, I wish with all my heart and soul to extend my utmost gratitude to everyone here at LS and the site owner. I get to come here each day and sometimes several times a day to speak with you, give you beautiful or funny pictures that you loved so much as well as posting the videos we watched together as you sat on my right shoulder, sometimes tried to sing along, other times laughed and/or made your happy sounds which I can still clearly hear in my memory and am able to imitate even though a year has gone by. Everyone here is so dear, loving, compassionate, empathetic, caring, supportive and they understand because they either have been there themselves or are there at this very moment suffering such devastation, pain, grief, sorrow, loneliness and even horror. God Bless each and every one here at LS Most Abundantly!!!

These next images and songs (well the same song but two different videos with images having great meaning to me) go out to all those organizations who have promised time and time again to get someone over here quick, fast and in a hurry since they know I am in a state of crisis. Even this morning, Mr. Johnson called me back again to see how I was doing. When I began to tell him in a very calm manner, he did one of those, "Ut oh. My cell phone is cutting out and needs recharging, Gotta go" things ... Just like all the others who have sworn to get someone over here.

Therefore, I dedicate this song and images to those people who are painfully aware that it will be one year within a few days that I last saw you, then last heard your sweet voice as you spoke with me on the phone then were finally murdered on October 16, 2007. Yes, my precious Alex. This is exactly how I feel about them and I sure wish they could see it. The first video is so perfect and pertains to you and me both my feather child. See all the birds? The second video is me. Yes, that is me. I am screaming out those words, too. But, it falls on those people's deaf ears just like: "The Sound of Silence."

Yah, me too. Hack away...

Jan.

Dottie

I wish I could find the right words of comfort for you.

I can only just say that justice and resolution for Alex and you is strong in my mind and that I send out my prayers and thoughts for your peace.

You may feel like I do today - I sometimes feel overwhelmed by a world that seems not to care about our animal friends or our deep attachments to them. I know this forum is the exception. In our neighbourhood, of all the posters I put out, I've had only one email response. Maybe I should have put my phone number down but my other pets are at risk too and the email address is generic.

I do believe there is a higher justice and resolution regardless of what you or I may be able to do.

The newspaper article about the dog shooting said that the shooter could only get $100 fine and that it would be unlikely to catch the person. It practically sounded like "go ahead, shoot more, we don't care." This sort of thing gets really discouraging. Also I'm making a complaint to the Vet Association about the vet's mistakes - the vet sent me a letter saying she did as much as she could for Ziggy. I wish that were true, but my own vet doesn't agree. Knowing this hurts so much and I just can't accept the sort of "too bad, so sad" attitude.

Well, I actually meant to write and try to cheer you up and I'm probably not doing that at all!

I think it is the belief in what we can't see (as Moonbeam said in one post) that we need to hold on to tightly. Not to say we give up on the physical world, but to somehow know that our connection to those unseen is far greater than we can know in our physical form.

I just keep thinking my little Ziggy will come around the corner of the room and sing me her beautiful purring song. The physical loss is such a difficult thing to come to terms with. We can't let it break us though.

So I'm also sending you the song I posted earlier.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itzG_hy1Vm8...feature=related

Angels

I sit and wait
does an angel contemplate my fate
and do they know
the places where we go
when we´re grey and old
´cos I´ve been told
that salvation lets their wings unfold
so when I’m lying in my bed
thoughts running through my head
and I feel that love is dead
I’m loving angels instead

and through it all she offers me protection
a lot of love and affection
whether I’m right or wrong
and down the waterfall
wherever it may take me
I know that life wont break me
when I come to call she won’t forsake me
I’m loving angels instead

when I’m feeling weak
and my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
and I know I’ll always be blessed with love
and as the feeling grows
she breathes flesh to my bones
and when love is dead
I’m loving angels instead

and through it all she offers me protection
a lot of love and affection
whether I’m right or wrong
and down the waterfall
wherever it may take me
I know that life won’t break me
when I come to call she won’t forsake me
I’m loving angels instead

and through it all she offers me protection
a lot of love and affection
whether I’m right or wrong
and down the waterfall
wherever it may take me
I know that life won’t break me
when I come to call she won’t forsake me
I’m loving angels instead

PREFACE: If anyone is reading this, please do not feel any "need" to comment, advise, express sympathy in any form and yada, yada, yada. However, if anyone reading this can and is willing to share their own personal experiences regarding what I am about to write/describe or their own personal observations of others who appear to either be exhibiting these same symptoms or behavior, that would be most appreciated since I myself as well as others here could then benefit from that knowledge and sharing of information in order to know what to anticipate.

Thank you very much in advance and Many Bright Blessings!

Next: What is happening and possibilities as to the why.

I find that, as the one year anniversary of Alex being murdered nears closer and closer, PTSD is becoming worse and worse. Almost to the point of frightening but not quite yet. Still it is tremendously disturbing. However, and I may be wrong, I do anticipate these flashbacks to become either more frequent, more vivid, more terrifying, more like I am really there than (and not) where my physical body is as I relive what has happened ... Is happening again ... Many things that have happened since I was a toddler.

I base the above theory of my PTSD becoming far worse than it is now upon that which has happened several times in the past since I was a toddler to the present day.

I suspected I may be having a nervous breakdown, however upon careful scrutiny of all the symptoms of both nervous breakdown and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, it appears far more likely to be the later especially taking my own personal objective history into consideration as opposed to subjective history.

Writing about this at LS here and now appears to be of therapeutic (as well as cathartic) value in the respect that I am able to "vocalize" as well as focus and concentrate without all the racing thoughts and yada, yada, yada.

As far as myself, PTSD began when I was six years old and ... Oh crap. I pray to God and everything I hold Holy that what came next and for the extent of time never happens again to me and most certainly not to anyone who would not be able to handle the terrifying "events" which do occur unless they are in a padded room. Word. Me? I guess I was lucky or blessed or both.

Regarding present symptoms and behavior:

1. Flashbacks happening but not too disturbing at this point in time.

Important interjection: No. I have never done any sort of "mind altering" drugs nor medication which could cause flashbacks. That factor is of value to know.

2. Going longer and longer without any sleep. Not able to sleep. When trying to sleep, will close my eyes and as I begin to drift off into a sleep state will experience a very frightening and startling sensation throughout my body sort of like a massive adrenaline rush which, of course, snaps me back to wide awake and yada, yada, yada.

Will go up to 3 days but less than 4 days without so much as even closing my eyes for a nap. In other words, no sleep, no REM sleep. REM sleep or the REM state is very much needed. Why? We do not know but we do know what happens when deprived of the REM state and dang, it shore as hell ain't pretty. In fact, it's downright dangerous as hell. Fact.

3. Increasing feelings of extreme anxiety, not being able to eat and then going into times of feeling the need to eat something which is hopefully crunchy in nature. Going very comfortably up to 2 plus days with no food at all. This cannot be a good thing me thinks.

4. After I discovered that Alex was murdered, the flashbacks began at the point in time when I was six years old, accidentally killed my wonderful mother which is when the PTSD did begin. Before age 6, I was untroubled, very independent, cheerful, outgoing, happy camper and yada, yada, yada. After that, nightmares, night terrors (google that!), 'old hag syndrome' (google that!) and so much more and so much more and yada, yada, yada.

5. Then the flashbacks began to go forward in time but not necessarily chronologically in order pertaining to terrifying events which I either experienced and/or witnessed.

Fast forwarding: The flashbacks I am having at this point in time are all Alex. All Alex. At this point in time, I don't appear to be able to control these flashbacks and stop them from occurring. They just happen without any warning whatsoever.

At first, the Alex flashbacks were only one, two or three times a day. The frequency has increased, however the duration of the flashbacks are very brief. It is my opinion but not necessarily fact that the flashbacks are very brief due to myself being able to stop those flashbacks from lasting longer than a few seconds. But, those few second flashbacks sometimes occur several times in a row and in very quick succession (i.e in a continuous loop once every 0.1 seconds) and yada, yada, yada.

Does anyone out there comprehend what I'm trying to explain and can offer feedback as to either their own personal experiences or those of others such as in war time PTSD type stuff? What I'm trying my best to do is prepare myself (and others here) for what may or may not happen ...

This is what may happen: The Alex and/or other flashbacks may become very, very real as though I am there and not where I physically am. They may last for ... I do not have any idea how long. I doubt that I will have any mind control to stop them when they do happen and I "literally" (so to speak) am right there again, reliving it somewhat as one ...

I don't know how to describe it other than you are there again. Right there and it is happening, you're reliving it as though you are right there and right now (then).

I'll stop here for now. Does anyone have any experiences of their own or those of others which they can share in order to prepare myself and others to which this is or may be happening? If so and it is not too embarrassing (you can always "change the names to protect the innocent" ya know) or if it is not too painful to you, could you please share?

Again, Many Kind Thanks and Blessings!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

PS. Jan, I only just saw your responses as I did a "preview" of this post so will come back and chat.
God Bless You Most Abundantly!!!

You betcha {{{{{{{Jan}}}}}}} This is for you, my Dear Friend! Ready? Here goes . . .

Jan: "Dad Snab Uh Frab Ah Labul Lab Adabits!!! I could just spit!!! Patoooiiieeeee!!!"

Feel better, Sweet Loving Jan?

Tons and Oodles and Boodles of Love and Kisses!!!

Your Pal Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

OMG!!! {{{{{{{Jan}}}}}}} Be-U-Ti-Mus!!!

As for the rest . . .

Tons and Tons of Comforting Hugs and Winging Many Loving Angels to You and All Your Fur Babies!!!!

Ya know I luvs ya more than my luggage!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Hi Dottie, let me first say, that I love the visual effects you put in your posts. Because of the d.u.(dial up..so embassing) I cannot dowload those vidos without it taking 4days. but I do sing along with the songs in my head. The photos are so enjoyable, where you get them or how you do this baffles me. To you it's easy, but to us non computer people it isn't, but very enjoyable. In regards to your last question, I think it's just human nature to relive things as they approach or fall upon a memoriable date. Good or bad.. It seems with me Oct 8 will be 4mo, but I lost Arthur on a Sunday so since Sunday to Wednesday the part I relive the most is that last day, those last minutes. When I lost my Daisy I was so devestated I smoked like a chimmey, didn't eat much, took caffine pills during the day and sleeping pills at night(which I still do as I must have gotten hooked on them) was angry all the time. With Arthur there isn't anything I want to do remotely "fun". I don't like to watch movies, or shop, or listen to music, etc. There's alot that goes into all this, but I know in time I will be able to "accept" that he is gone and move on. I will never be pain free as I still 16yrs later am heartbroken over Daisy. But we learn from this I've found to do things a little different in the furture. With me it was cherishing Arthur every minute I was with him like it was the last time and I found that the 2yrs I've had him seemed a little longer because of it.. As we've all heard at one time or another "the answers we seek lie deep within ourselves". The way I feel is just tell us what thay are, damn it!.. goodnight Dottie and Alex..

{{{{{{{Anne}}}}}}} Tears and THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Dottie

I sent a couple of p.m.'s (one about dying to hear your interpretation about some of the songs I posted) and some other stuff. I'm not sure if the p.m.'s actually are going through because they don't show up in my outbox.

Can you let me know if you received a p.m. today/yesterday... just wondering if I'm actually sending them or if they are disappearing into never-never land.

take good care - I am thinking of you.

Jan.

On another note, I had a dream that symbolized that dark place where we go in grief.

It was completely black, just darkness. I could hear a dog barking and there were other people there but I couldn't see them. It was like a big black void. I'm sure this is what hell is.

I started a painting of my Ziggy today. I remembered some of the sweet things she and Zita did in talking to a friend. I could actually smile about her.

You will see your Alex again, I don't know when I don't know how, but I know that that connection of love never dies. Just know that Alex loves you as do so many others in spirit and on earth as well!

Jan.

Dearest Jan, I just checked my PM box and ... Nothing. I do believe it's full. Let me delete some. So sorry about that, Hon.

As far as that "darkness" or "dark place" ... No. It is not hell. It represents those things unknown ... Errr, I know I can explain it more completely but my mind is kinda like mush right now. Arg. I hope it makes sense to you that the "dark place" or "darkness" represents that which is not known to you. I'll elaborate further when and/or if my mind clears a bit. Otherwise, it may take a day or two for me to explain further.

Love You Soooo Much!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Editing: Of course the "dark place" where you go in grief is just that: DARK! Know what I mean? More Hugs!!!

Dearest Alex, where I am on this big blue marble we call earth, it is now October the 11th. The last day I ever saw your beautiful loving self and kissed you as they took you away from me and ... "The plans they made put an end to you." It surprises the heck out of me that I ain't screaming with horror, crying hysterically and . . . You see . . .

Thoughts of you being In The Arms of the Angels bring me so much Peace. Well, at this moment in time anyway. Alex, I mean to tell you that I searched through at least 35 to 45 different videos of this song to find the one with the images I want you to have. So very beautiful! All the other videos I watched had such sad, sad, pictures and images. I sure don't want that for you especially since you're where you are, happy, healthy, talking, singing, laughing, having tons of fun with lots of pals.

This song sure does hit home for me too though. Talking about that "dark cold hotel room" where they took me while doing to you what they did. That sure does fit what happened. And the line that goes: "And everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back." Holy crap. Did the composer of this song know? I mean ... Dang!

I sure hope you love the picture I chose of the Angel with birds there in Heaven where you are, Alex. And now the song with lovely images as I wish you Eternal Joy, Love, Peace and Ooodles and Boodles of Fun! Fun! Fun!

In the post right after this one, there's a special prayer I've been saying. You know how St. Francis of Assisi is my favorite for all he is and does as the Patron Saint of Animals. So, I chose images for that prayer that I was fortunate enough to find as a song. Please join me in singing it, okay? But first this one My Most Loving, Blessed, Sweet, Dear Alex Feather Child!!!

Dearest Alex, won't you please join me in this Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi? Oh, it's called "Prayer of St. Francis." I am trying so hard, Alex. Honest and for true.

Sending Dottie and Alex lots of love and hugs your way today Oct 11. .You two will have the happiest of happy reunions one day.. Ann

{{{{{{{Ann}}}}}}} Ya think so? Hey! I Believe!
And, he's still here, too!

Tons of Hugs! And Lotsa Love!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Ut oh. Okay, I've not slept but a tiny bit for the past few days as I've been doing the "count down" to those 3 one year anniversaries. I don't feel sleepy. Don't need the sleep. Do rest on occasion but ... I have been doing that "count down" thing. In about 5 and 1/2 hours, it will be the exact time marking the October 11, 2007 anniversary of event number one regarding Alex and I'm feeling some panic. Feeling a bit freaked out. What I'm saying is that I hope to gawd I don't lose it, start screaming bloody murder and crying really loud and hysterically like I did a year ago.

Hmmm? Maybe I can meditate myself to sleep? I dunno. Well, even if I do that, then when I wake up it will either still be before the exact moment when I last saw Alex or right after or an hour or two hours ... What I'm saying is that it will be the same day.

Where's Bubba? I need a slurpee. Oy.

PS. Oh crap. I'm trembling. Errr ... Maybe I need some food. I'll try that. Okay, I'm done now. Bye, bye.

Well, I just had it out with my brother again about a half hour ago but I'm not shouting or cursing or anything at all here so poor Buddy dog and Styx kitty are fine and happy. Whewww! I just sooooo love, love, love it when I express a crisis event regarding my loss of Alex or my loss of anyone human or animal then he goes into one of his "Mr. Philosophical" routines about "Letting go." I want to smack him silly. I am serious. I would just love to pull his ear until he screams and perhaps even knee him in his family jewels. OMG! I did not say that. I want to say that but I did NOT say that. Okay, I'm done again for now. Bye bye.

PS. I would send him two articles to read if I thought he'd read them but I truly believe he doesn't "get it." There are so very, very, very many different things that factor into why someone feels a particular way about one loss and not about another. Shall I just send him a sign to wear instead? You know, one that says, "I am Stupid!" Sounds like a plan to me cuz dang. We're talking about an extremely well educated and well read person here. He is tremendously bright and above average intelligence. He's just ... Never mind. It ain't worth my breath.

PS. PS. Heck, I'm stupid for even having called him since I had to have known what was coming. But, I did tell him before I spoke that I only wished to speak, be heard, to vent and him say nothing. He agreed but I guess he couldn't resist his "Institute for Rational Living" philosophizing. Okay, that does it. I am gonna slap the snot out of him next time I see him. Word. Heh.

Hey Dottie

Yes - I am familiar with the "letting go" routine - like they are discounting your feelings. I think "acceptance" of what is is the only thing I can even consider and even that is difficult. Letting go - of our babies? Like when I was told that I "talked an awful lot" about what might have happened to Zita. So let's say my H has gone missing or my stepdaughter - ah well, just let it go... why talk about it.

I pm'd you several times but don't think they are going thru.

For anyone dealing with ptsd there is a forum - http://www.ptsdsite.com/cgi-bin/gforum/gforum.cgi

Thinking of you and sending all healing thoughts to you and to Alex...

Jan.

{{{{{{{Jan}}}}}}} I don't know what's going on because I've gotten at least 3 PMs since the last time you said you sent me a couple and yours aren't there. I wonder if I missed them and they are there? I'll go check after I finish writing to you here. Oh, thanks so much for that link, Jan! Tres bien et merci beaucoup!

As for Tony, I did send him an email. Nope, no ranting. Nothing like that. I'd love, love, love to share part of it here. Ha. For one thing, me thinks his edumakahsun lernin' am selective. Know what I mean? Also, regarding his edumakashun, he shore as heck don't praktise whut he preechuz. Heh. Oh, that includes the letting go of loss when I say he don't practice what he preaches. Yep. "Analyze that, Bro." Ooo I do wanna smack him into next week. Arg.

Love you Sooo Much Jan!!! Tons of Hugs and Angels!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

I'm gonna talk with myself some more just to put down some feelings. If anyone reads this and wants to comment that's fine by me but what I honest and for true am doing is just venting to myself. Getting it down here where it should be. Thanks.

Okay then. In October of 2007 when all the townhouse units (18 ... Three buildings of 6 units each) were planned to be tented by Haskell's for termite fumigation, I had automatically "assumed" that I'd be spending those 2 days and nights at my brother's house along with Buddy dog, Styx kitty and Alex parrot. Hey, I've stayed at his house before a few times. That was "before" though. When I was younger, beautiful, cooking for and entertaining his big wig guests. Yep. "Before." Tony has a very spacious house with a large fenced in back yard. Buddy is house trained and has never made a boo boo. Tony is the one who gifted Styx kitty to me years ago and loved his last kitty Silver so much. Yada, yada, yada ...

So, I phoned my brother to make arrangements to stay with him for those two nights and before I even brought that up Tony said, and these are his exact words, "You know you can't stay here, right?" His voice was dear and pleasant when he said it. The very moment those words came out of his mouth, I was suddenly struck with an episode of irritable bowel syndrome and almost didn't make it to the bathroom. Tony said those words and my immediate and very honest response was: "Oh My God! I have to go to the bathroom right now or I won't make it. Bye!"

To this day, Tony doesn't know why I suddenly got sick and had to rush to the bathroom. As far as he's concerned, it just hit me and I had to go. No problem. I do know the reasons why Tony didn't want me to stay at his house. Now, those reasons are hurtful to me. A couple days later while talking with Tony on the phone, he was still pleasant when I told him where I'd be staying. He lied to me as to the reasons why I could not stay at his house. Shame on him. So then I felt not only hurt but also annoyed but no anger at all. None. I did not call him on his fib, was nice to him and let it go.

Long story short, too late! If I had stayed for those two days (48 hours give or take) at my brother's house with Buddy dog, Styx kitty and Alex parrot. NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE EVER HAPPENED. NONE OF IT. I would still have Alex, nothing would have been done to Buddy dog nor Styx kitty and I would never had to have met the two female monsters nor come into any contact with them at all.

I ... Have ... Never ... Told ... This ... To ... Tony. Never have I brought this up to him. Do I or have I ever felt angry toward Tony or that it's his fault regarding what happened to my fur and feather kids all because he did not want me at his house for those two days? No. Not even for a moment. Why is that? Well, the way I see it is that Tony didn't do anything to my doggie, kitty nor parrot to cause them any harm. He didn't kidnap and/or murder them. And, he'd never, ever harm them. He was NOT responsible for what those monsters did and that is why I have never felt any kind of bad feelings toward my brother for not wanting me at his house except for the hurtful feelings regarding the reasons part. Still, no blame to him from me. Besides, it is HIS house. He can pick and chose who he lets in the door or not. Honestly. That is exactly how I feel. Shrug.

As far as ever bringing this up to Tony, I would never do it. He may either feel guilty, or most likely he would not feel guilty and THAT would tick me off. I mean, if I did nicely bring it up and he got all snotty and defensive to me, then I would feel more than annoyed with him but still no rage whatsoever. None. Word.

There's more: Not too long ago, I heard from our shared house cleaner Audrey what Tony said about "that bird." I also found out what he's been telling mutual friends about me so I did verify it but I did NOT tell them that he was fibbing. Why the heck is he telling these people those things about me? Then there's the hurtful "gossip" type stuff that he tells them about me. Some true and some or most not true. What is that about?

Getting back to the remark he made about "that bird" when referring to Alex, because of that I do feel tempted to send him a very kind and polite "What If" type of email ... Sort of just imagine if I had stayed at his house with my pets then none of this would have happened, nothing to my pets and my home would not have been robbed blind by those three monsters.

A Thought: I wonder if this has ever occurred to Tony about how none of this would have happened had I stayed at his house those two days. And, if it has occurred to him, does he feel any remorse?

That's all for now. I may come back and edit in more later. Thanks and Hugs!

Oh the what if's Dottie, how we can torture ourselves (and others) with those! There are certain what if's that are very hard to accept though - like why did the vet not do the exploratory surgery necessary when I told her that Ziggy had likely been shot by an airgun. And why did I not ask more questions about what was actually done. I had physical symptoms telling me that Ziggy's bowel had a major problem - and it was - I thought the vet had done everything she could, and she hadn't. I was in Seattle with my sick niece while Ziggy was dying, after the vet said her prognosis was good as long as we kept her on antibiotics, which we did. If I'd been here might I have realized more deeply that something more was needed? But my husband kept a close watch and was in touch with our own vet. I can go over and over things in my head. But it doesn't bring her back.

Like many here, I am finding it's been weeks since Ziggy is gone and I still cannot believe it and the emotions are just as intense and fresh. I still keep thinking she will be there on the bed, in my office, on her chair. The spark and joy in my life that left with Zita, and was slowly regained with Ziggy has been snuffed out.

I do not know what really to do with these feelings, except feel them. The only thing that seems a bit different is that my appetite seems to be getting a bit more normal. The other thing is that today I looked at cats online, and though knowing full well I cannot adopt again at this time, I could "imagine" another sweet soul in my life. Never, never to replace Zita or Ziggy, that will never happen. It is just the desire to give and receive love with another healing kitty one day. I do not know if that will ever happen or if such a kitty even exists. Certainly it will not happen now, with a $1400 credit card bill for a dead Ziggy and with all the concerns of this neighbourhood. No, Ziggy was a wonderful stroke of luck, and yet I do wonder how her life might have been better if she'd been adopted by someone else instead of me. Like I said - it's so easy to go back and question every little thing, every detail. So many things went exactly wrong that Ziggy ended up dead.

It's almost a year for me also since Zita went missing - the last day I saw her was October 20th. I always thought the only positive thing about her disappearance was the fact that we got Ziggy. Now of course, I question that too.

I do know I was privileged to know those two sweet souls for as short a time as I did. Were they so privileged to end up in my life, well that is one of the biggest questions, knowing that my "care" resulted in their demise.

Not a cheery response, Dottie, but letting you know I am there with you.

Jan.

Oh, Dottie, how that's got to hurt. You must be a really strong person to not beat the crap out of him. It's ok to do that, you know, your siblings. I can certainly understand now about all your what ifs. I keep saying over and over, there's got to be a reason for all this. I cannot speak for you, but if was me I wouldn't talk to him about your feelings, he obviously doesn't seem interested in how you feel about your pets. It's certainly hard when you need a shoulder to cry on and it gets turned away. It won't happen here, post away.. Hugs.. Ann

{{{{{{{Jan}}}}}}} I hope you don't mind. When I quoted you above, I then inserted numbers as in 1. and 2. and 3. and so on. That makes it easier for me to respond to each thing, thought, comment or point you've shared. Okay and HUGS!!!

1. Jan, not only was this a major, big time emergency but also you were in major shock, of course you didn't think to ask those questions. It would have taken a Mr. Spock (you know, one so logical, rational, no emotions when a huge crisis is occurring RIGHT NOW) ... A Mr. Spock may have been able to pose many of those questions as in exploratory surgery to the vet as well as telling the vet that all which was done "was not sufficient" due to Ziggy's bowels having a major problem and so on. But you ain't Mr. Spock and you ain't Data (his name) that's is the humanoid robot from Star Trek Generations and also handles crises in a most logical, rational manner since no emotions are involved.

Please pardon my language but we are too da*med human, do have emotions especially when such a very tragic event takes place and something MUST be done quick, fast and in a hurry ... At least in the beginning. I hope that made sense. Hon, I am different from you but I also would not have thought to ask any of those questions, would not have thought about the bowel problem being a factor and, being as stupid as I am (No! not you, hon. I'm saying Me!) ... Again, being as stupid or "ignorant" as I am, my thoughts would have been: "This is a professional Veterinary physician. I TRUST this Vet's expertise."
I could go on and on and on like the Ever Ready bunny and will be glad to tell you more but basically, there you have it.

So hell no! Not your fault in any manner for the reasons I've given above and will elaborate more if you wish, Dear One. HUGS!!!

2. Jan, you weren't there. You could only go by what you were being informed regarding progress. Again, you trusted that the Professional Veterinary Doctor was doing ALL what could be done. But look, Jan! You kept checking in. Do you know how few pet owners do that? You did! God Bless You!!!

3. Dayum! Please know that I either realize exactly what you're talking about or I sure do relate. I am there right now, too. Oy! Since you're aware my own "events" regarding my loss then I believe you do know that ... Yes! I do understand, empathize and am there myself and Dayum. Again, please forgive my language. Sorry, Hon. Still, Dayum!

4. That's what I do. I feel those feelings, too. It is good that you're appetite is coming back and I pray it stays that way. How odd (but not really) that you mentioned looking at cats online cuz I began doing that regarding birds about ... Errr ... Thinking. I do believe it was in July? Please don't hold me to that. Oh! And earlier on at a Parrot Rescue Website where they rescue parrots (and other animals and it's only about 5 minutes away from where I live - I saw an article about it in the news paper) ... Anyway, I looked. Looked at birds, their ages, life span expectancies, gender cuz I'd want a male pertaining to certain breeds, looked at cages cuz that monster Nico had not yet returned Alex's to me yet and I still cannot imagine using it again cuz Dayum! More, more, more ....

Jan, since I was a small child, birds of all breeds both outside or domesticated budgies, parrots, more, have had very significant meaning to me. It's my opinion that they are Angels. Almost literally. Also, I am fascinated because birds, all birds, are "present day dinosaurs." That's a fact and I can give you many links proving it. Fascinating! Oh, there are many more reasons. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a bird. To fly, go anywhere, experience those things that they do. More. More. More. Now you have a little clue as to what birds symbolize and mean to me ever since I can remember and as I grew to my present age of 54 years.

Then, I thought to myself, "What the freak am I doing?! Get another bird, parrot, budgie or even finch or canary?! I DON'T THINK SO?! Again, what the freak was I thinking?!" Jan, I do not ever, ever, ever wish to come into any contact with any birds again. Never. There is the exception of Rescue and Rehabilitation then either release or to find them a loving home depending upon the breed of bird. But that is all. Period. Otherwise, and I know I'm being redundant: No More Birds as Feather Children for Me! Cuz I just do NOT ever, ever, ever want to go through any of this type of stuff again. Never.

However, and this is a HUGE, HUGE However: How very unfortunate for that bird out there to be robbed or deprived of the most loving, patient, caring, devoted Mama he/she could ever, ever dream of possibly having ... For all the reasons I've mentioned about what birds mean to me .... AND! Does the same apply to you about feline fur babies? That's a rhetorical question and you, of course, need not respond but it sure is food for thought, now ain't it? Yes, indeed it is.

5. Please read my number 6. response again. Honest and for true, Hon. HUGS!!!

6. Which also brings us back to number 1. In your Quote ... Jan, you do NOT have to pay that. I will need to ask a few questions and since we're having PM problems, I would need to do that here. Again, NO! You do not have to pay that Vet. Shall I go into as the reasons why? It has to do with what I read in your own thread some time ago and it's a blessing and a curse both that I have practically total recall. Shall we discuss how you owe that Vet not one red cent? And, I will tell you just how to go about it, Dear One!

7. Jan, I hope what I'm about to say makes sense to you as to the why you adopted Ziggy and that Ziggy was far better having you as a Mommy than any other person on earth. Here goes: Everything is exactly as it should be. The proof is because that is the way it is. If anything was supposed to be someway other than it is, then it would be that way and not the way it is. But that ain't how it is cuz it is the way it is (everything) which is again proof that all is how it's supposed to be.

I hope that made sense. If not, please ask and I'll elaborate.

8. {{{{{{{Jan}}}}}}} October 20th? You too. More Huge Big Tight Comforting Hugs!!!

9. Jan. Dear. Refer again to my responses of Number 1. And Number 2. Also you said: "I do know I was privileged to know those two sweet souls for as short a time as I did." Errr, Jan. So were they in regard to having YOU as their mommy. Word!

10. Hey, don't you worry about any cheery responses, We are here to share, care and we all benefit.
All of us!

Love You so Much and Tons of Comforting HUGS and ANGELS!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

{{{{{{{Ann}}}}}}} I agree with you completely regarding me never mentioning to Tony how nothing would have happened had he allowed me to stay at his home as we always did in the past for reasons like the house being tented. The reasons being that I honest to God and for true feel no anger toward him and do not blame him about what happened to Buddy, Styx and Alex since I had to stay at that hotel and not Tony's house. I gave the reasons why and hand to my heart, I am being perfectly honest. Also, It would only lead to what I call "agramony" between me and my brother which I can certainly do without. Oy Vey.

Well, I ain't slapped the snot out of him yet but it is on my "to do" list for the other things I mentioned cuz Dang! He may or may not have stopped spinning yarns and telling them unkind things about me since I did send him an email about a month ago or so when I busted him on it. Ha! Don't he know yet that, "Loose lips sink ships?" They shore do. Heh!

I also did send him an email yesterday explaining that "you are so stoopid for one as brilliant as yourself." Further, I told him that there are very, very many things that factor in as to why one given individual reacts with such trauma to one loss yet almost no trauma at all regarding similar losses. Here, I even did the *Humming the theme song to the Jeopardy game TV show.* thing. LOL!

I gave examples and asked him if he wanted to know any of those factors, that if he didn't care to know that I don't want to waste my fingers typing and waste his time deleting what I send to him.

So, he responded how I was so right that his letting go philosophy is flawed. It's best to suffer daily in ... I can't remember the exact words but something like "wallow the pain" and yada, yada, yada. Then Tony went onto telling me AGAIN regarding the woes he suffers each and every day of his life and has for the past 38 years ... ALL of which are easily curable if he'd do just ONE simple thing and I and every shrink he's ever seen has told him. Sooo many times over the years. Tony then said for me to, "You just keep on Celebrating your anniversaries. At least they only happen once a year, His happen every single freaking day!!!"
He then said: "You are a Very Lucky Lady!!! God Bless You!!!"

Oh, there were a couple more curse words or three in his email. Heh. And here is my response to which he has said nothing:

"Hey, let's criticize things we don't know about. I just love it when that happens. Tony, you ain't got a clue to that which I experience every single day of my life. Day in, day out, day in, day out. And why is that? Because I do not tell you. I do not tell anyone. Oh, and God Bless You, Too!!!"

OMG! I am so bad. Honest, but so bad.

Love You Sooooo Much, Ann!!! Tons and Tons of Hugs and Love!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Hey Dottie---------Sometimes I get weary of the let go thing.Very 70's psychobabble.Yea I suppose we can't cling but it dosen't mean we forget!!!!!!!!!!!
If we forget our guard is let down and,well,seems like good people get taken advantage of.Always have always will.
Slurpee on the way(maybe with a little Gran Mariner to help with the nerves)...........Bubba,,,,,,