I feel that I've been followed by a black cloud for sometime. If anyone here has followed my story, I've lost 3 young cats the last 3 years (one murdered), and a dog, had some near death health issues, financial crises with the building of a new house (my H and I's "dream home") and just one thing after another.

Rosie is my husband's 17 year old border collie and she has been failing for some time. H has made an appointment to euthanize Monday morning. She has lost bladder and bowel control, she falls and can't get up and we've found her laying in her own diarrhea a few times. She had some quality of life when she went on walks on our property but she fell down on the hill the other day and got stuck - when I found her she was quite distressed. We've found her fallen down the steps as well. She just shivers now on the walks and I know she has no quality of life.

If that were not painful enough, during my first ever counselling session with H on Tuesday, H announced to me that he was splitting. He and my stepdaughter found a place the next day and they are moving stuff now. This comes as a total shock. I knew when I grieved Ziggy he was not able to handle that. What I realize is that he married me 2 years after his wife of 23 years died, and he had not dealt with the grief. I know it sounds like a soap opera, honestly I don't believe my life over the last 3 years since I met him.

To me this says that we must truly and honestly face our grief and not bury it. Otherwise we live on the "surface". If we disconnect to our feelings we can do a lot of damage to ourselves and others (H had told me of marrying me that he was "never so sure of anything his whole life").

You cannot run away from grief. It will follow you. Trust me I have learned this the very hard way.

Anyway, please do think of Rosie Monday morning and send your healing thoughts for a gentle and loving transition. I will not be there for the euthanasia because she was H's dog, and given the current situation it would just make the whole thing worse.

I do not know how to survive all this except just to breathe and live only in this moment. I do have good friends but I am still in shock.

Jan.

Oh my God Jan............I am so sorry to hear that you are being forced to face even more tragedy than you already have in such a short amount of time. Sometimes when so many things happen so quickly in a marriage that are hard to deal with, one spouse or the other or both have a hard time dealing with the sadness and stress that goes along with it. I don't know how long you've been married, but it may be beneficial to both of you to continue the counseling even if the end result is splitting up. When so much has happened to both of you, often times it piles on top of the love that started your relationship in the beginning. I'm not a marriage counselor, but I can tell you my husband and I have weathered many storms over the 35 years we have been married. Some of those storms have been tumultuous at best. Many years ago we wound up in marriage counseling after a very stressful time in our lives. Struggling through the counseling brought us back in touch with each other and it was the best thing we could have ever done for ourselves. It was well worth the work each of us put into it.

It saddens me to hear that Rosie's health is failing. No doubt it has affected your husband deeply as well as you. You can count on me to think of Rosie, as well as you and your husband on Monday. I can't imagine the grief and anxiety you are feeling right now as you anticipate Monday's arrival in letting go of sweet Rosie. May God send you both comfort and strength during this ever so sad time.

Much love and hugs of comfort from my heart to yours,
Beth

Beth

Thanks so much for your kind words of support. I agree about trying to work things out during tough times, but there are no ands ifs or buts with H. He wants out, absolutely no doubt about it. I booked the counselling session (and had wanted to earlier) with much hope that things could be worked out. He made it clear that he had no interest in doing that and said that he married me too soon after his wife's death. We got married July 1, 2006 and met in Sept. 05, so we weren't together that long. For me it was a forever choice, but I think H buried his grief about his wife dying and it's now come up again especially with Ziggy dying, Rosie failing and problems between me and my stepdaughter. I think his heart will always be with her and he knows that now - well unless he goes through the kind of grieving we are all doing here, which I am now *totally* convinced is necessary to be able to really move on in life.

I am glad in a way that I won't be there for the euthanasia. I would never allow a dog of mine to face that without me, but Rosie was in H's life for 17 years, and was very bonded with him so I know she will have the comfort she needs. Still all of it's a lot to take. I know that Rosie will be there with all of her previous dog companions and with her "mom", H's wife before me. I feel very reassured that she will be fine once she has made that transition. It's in a way more painful to see her without mobility, shaky and upset because I'm sure she knows what's going on in the house and the stress involved. She barks for about an hour every night. Sometimes you just can't do anything for her.

I think I will continue counselling myself though, because for survival purposes, I truly need it.

Jan.

Jan--For the first time ever on this forum I am speechless----------absolutley speechless--My God I am so sorry----------Bubba...........

Dear ((((((((Jan))))))))

I am so very, very sorry to hear of all you are going through right now...........my heart aches for you. Please know that you and your family will be in my thoughts and in my prayers.

As well, I am truly sorry to hear of sweet Rosie's failing health.

It does sound like the quality of her life is failing, and the decision that you have all made is the most loving one for Rosie . I am happy that your H will be with her as she goes from this life to the next. She will ALWAYS live on in your hearts.....of that I am very sure.

Sending you much love, comfort and prayers,

God Bless you,

Denise

Same here. I....looked in prior to shutting down, and.......
It makes the way I handled my loss just look ...trivial...if you know what I mean...

Jan, Sending you lots of prayers for this rough time in your life. Sounds like H wasn't really ready to remarry after all. I'm sure he does love you, and just lost his way for now. We can't force someone to be with us if they don't want to. Maybe in time, when all the greif has subsided you will find your way back into eachothers hearts. Your thoughts and comfort here have been so helpful to so many and I'm sure I speak for a lot of us, that happiness finds its way to you. It breaks my heart to hear of such a great person going thru such a tough time right now. Things will get better, they have to, be strong, we're all pulling for you.
Also sending prayers to Rosie, and hoping our angels will guide her safely to the Rainbow Bridge. Hugs..Ann

((((jan))))))There is so much truth in this from your opening post :

You are among the victims of buried grief and it is a painful example of how toxic it is for us to not allow the tears to fall. Whether male or female, young or old, we must live our pain as we live our joy: crying is just one of the methods our body uses to get rid of toxins and harmful materials, especially tears that are the direct result of an emotional influence, they release more toxins out of your body apparently. Suppressing our emotions can send you into a depression. When we have some emotions inside of us that need to come out, crying is one of the healthiest ways to get it out, it lifts your mood by releasing endorphins which are hormones that act as both mood elevators and pain killers. That’s why you feel much better after crying. Crying is an act of courage because it allows us to come face to face with what it is exactly that grieves us. We can not escape grief. And needing to cry comes you can't run away from it, it is so harmful to try and stop it from happening. Buried grief has proven toxic in your relationship, poor you, when you entered it you could not have had any idea, no more than I did before grief and buried grief brought me here to this site. It is exactly as you say, it really does seem you walked under a dark cloud and it was a horrible storm, I would say you have taken the worst of it, it's time for you to get away from under that cloud and seek the sun. Into each life rain must fall, and we have to accept that. I see that you do, I admire this very much. but I think what has happened to you and all the grief that was part of it is ending, look for the sun, get out and know that love is never wasted and always returned, somehow your love will find a new nest and things will be better. Takecare, courage, may life wrap you in love and beauty.

Thank you Bubba for caring. Your words bring tears because I guess I feel that my grief about has made me "unloved".

Jan.

Denise - thank you so much. I feel so bad for her because she is a sensitive dog and I'm sure as well as her physical pain she feels the stress of what's going on. When I sit with her or take her out for a walk, she just shakes.

It will be so strange after Monday morning. We had a student staying with us who is leaving this morning, and H and his daughter are busy moving all their stuff. After Monday I will be alone in our "dream" home turned nightmare. Ironically the home is way too big for just me and the original home would have suited me just fine.

So I will feel losses on so many levels, still missing Zita and Ziggy, Rosie's spot will be empty as well as all the rooms in the house where my "family" stayed.

I have good friends but I keep waking up at night in disbelief. This house is on a farm and I don't know that I can maintain it by myself. It's also still not finished.

I don't know if I can take any more - and lucky me, I'm getting a business audit on Thursday on top of everything.

I guess when everything is stripped down to nothing, you decide what life really means.

Jan.

Thanks for checking in Jon - the support is appreciated.

Jan.

Ann, thank you. He had talked about splitting up in Sept. and I didn't accept it and couldn't really believe it. He is so cold-hearted about all of it. There are no ifs ands or buts. I hear no compassion in his voice and see no empathy in his face. He wrote an email to someone that I received back that said "It's just one of those things. No point carrying on when it really didn't work for me." I had no idea he loved me so little. It's just so strange realizing someone is just putting on a happy face, all the while building up anger and resentment.

Rosie is 17 years old and she was a big part of his life with his wife who died. I think H has been running from the feelings of grief and still is. He said that his unhappiness was from the house, and from me.

I feel betrayed. I do hope there is some path to happiness as it seems like life has been a war zone for me. I have felt so much pain for so long that I've begun to have dreams about having seizures and cancer. I'm sure on a cellular level my body is telling me that my pain is harming me.

I will try to get to a counselling session this week. I've never really gone to counselling before but if there was a time for it in my life, it is now.

Jan.

Toonie - your words are so beautiful and wise. I like the idea that love is never wasted, and that it could find a new nest. I feel so alienated and alone right now that I will have to have some hope like this to survive.

thank you so much for your support

Jan.

Now the next day when the shock has dulled, after reading your post last night, the only positive thing I can think to say is that at least with your next animal friend, you will again experience unconditional love, honesty, sincerity, loyalty, and devotion.

It is a sad commentary that it is about the only time we really experience it, outside of fiction and delusion, isn't it?

These stories leave me with a feeling of contempt for men, and disgust with humanity.

This happened to the girl next door: Lavish wedding, picturebook honeymoon.
2 years Later, "*shrug* I dunno. I thought about it, and just don't like being married."

WTF???? (Excuse me, but...Deathless prose just does not capture the essence.)

Jan--Selfish,immature(to have gotten married knowing it probably would be short term even if it IS on the rebound),ego(can still meet women and get them to commit to marriage.Proved I am stll a man so now I can move on). PLUS,another furbaby to lose!!!!!!!!In short;me me me me not us.He is NOT a real man but rather a life support system for a PENIS!!!!!!!!!!
As a man this type of childish behavior PISSES ME OFF!!!!!!!!!!........Just keep posting Jan and I am sure you buddies here will get you through this.
Your forum pal...............Bubba..................

Haha Bubba - that made me laugh, and that's a very GOOD thing right now! Thanks so much for getting pissed off for me! That's what friends are for. I am very grateful to have such good friends during hard times.



Jan.

I figured a chuckle might be needed at this point-----hang in there as best you can-----Bubba..............

Sorry that I missed responding to your post earlier.

I still have 3 dogs and am looking after (for now) H's or should I say ex-H's German Shepherd for the moment.

Yeah, WTF is right! My H barely said a word except to agree with me or try to do as I asked most times. I realize now that he wasn't expressing his real truth. He wasn't honest to me, and maybe not to himself either.

I can have compassion for grieving someone that you were with 23 years, and gosh I could have given him plenty of room to do that within the relationship and with my support, but I think you can only use that sort of a thing as an excuse for so long. Grief is a reality in life if you love and lose someone, and if you continue loving afterwards that can be such a wonderful way to share and support each other. Turning away from someone - well I'm not sure what that means other than H couldn't handle feeling those feelings. He said things like I was always "falling apart" and that he "couldn't go down that road". Instead of cuddling with me when I was in pain over Ziggy, he turned away and didn't want to be near me.

This morning Rosie was supposed to be euthanized at 9:45, but the vet was delayed. I'm not sure what time she was euthanized, but I heard a bark from the upstairs living room that sounded like her at 10:50 this morning. I wonder if she was saying goodbye...

Jan.

Rosie has gone to the light.

I thought I heard her barking at 10:50 am in the upstairs living room. I think she was telling me she'd passed as I'd asked her today for a sign from her in the spirit world. H and his daughter arrived to bury her on our property at 11:30 am after returning from the vet's.

She looked so sad over the last week or two, and has not wagged her tail much for a very long time.
Now she is with her mom, H's wife, and with Ziggy, Zita, Merlin, Tiffany and all H's previous passed dogs.

Finally she will get to romp and play with all her buddies, and her mom will be so glad to see her....

Click to view attachment

Looking at her picture..all I could think of...is.. she is a beautiful girl.

I think 17 years is so extra ordinary....my dogs never made it that long.

It is so very sad to see them go but we can be grateful there is no more suffering. When the quality of life is gone.....the joy of living is also.

I send a special hug to Rosie...maybe she has met my very first dog of my own years ago, a collie who looked just like Lassie. I know they have a beautiful temperament.

Somewhere I remember hearing we are not given in life more than we can bear...but when so much happens all at the same time, it seems, it makes me wonder how that can be true.

Sorry about everything...all the losses...it can just be too overwhelming at times.

We just try our best to deal with it all and hope we find new strength for the future..having survived such a hardship past.

Take care,
Judy

Rosie--what a lovely face you have and I bet you are at the Rainbow Bridge having so much fun.


I bet that WAS a sign from Rosie!!!!!! I believe we all get signs. Just some people don't pick up on them.

Know we are here for you!!!

Hugs to you and the new Angel Rosie!!!!!!!!

Hey Jan-------Rosie was a sweetie.I know she was a bigger part of H's life but the way you view animals( the LS style as it were) I am sure you loved her alot and are hurting right now.You know how your friends here at LS feel toward you and you know we are with you in your grief.Now that Rosie is at the Bridge your new chapter will begin here on earth.Again,keep in mind your forum pals are thinking of you at this time during your own earth transition.Keep posting during this change and I will keep an eye on your thread and do my best to keep you company via the computer.We'll get you through this friend.Promise..............Bubba...............

Jan, I am so sorry to hear about everything you are going through, and for your loss of Rosie. I had a similar situation of a series of "unfortunate events" as I like to call them. Hang in there...... I know it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but there will be. Good things will happen again, I know it just doesn't seem like it right now.

Ren, Zorro, and Nemo's Mom

Jan,

I just wanted to check in and see how you were.
Hope to hear from you soon.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, OMG, Jan....I'd been here only briefly earlier today, but didn't even SEE your thread. I'm in total shock about how everything went from bad to SO MUCH WORSE and can't even begin to imagine how horrible you must feel now, as if you hadn't felt bad or had enough to try to handle before! This is all just stunningly awful!!

All except for dear Rosie making sure she sent a sign JUST FOR YOU in particular - oh yes, I truly believe it was her or you wouldn't have noticed it that way. (if you really wanted to confirm this for yourself, I'm sure you could call the vet who helped in her transition and ask if they have a record of the exact time) Just remember, even though you two didn't know each other very long, SHE obviously LOVES you for WHO YOU ARE and just the way you are, grief and all. I'll just bet that you were the only one who DID have such compassion for her with all that was going on around her, and she knew/knows that....hence her grateful sign. No matter what has happened or what will happen, always remember that you have a huge, warm heart that many others so appreciate, even if the ones you wanted to appreciate it didn't. Their much bigger loss in the end, even if they're too whatever to realize it! (I'd like to openly use some choice adjectives here , but I guess I have to be civil on a public board....)

You're so right about the wise reasons for purging and working through everything possible about each grief and loss, just as I've always believed, too. But I couldn't be sorrier that you've had to discover this in such harsh ways, and that you'll certainly have your work cut out for you with that now. But at least you'll be able to take this wise counsel with you, unlike your (ex) H who is more likely to just keep repeating the same pattern in his life. In a way, that's almost like 'justice' right there.

Everyone else has already said much the same things I would have, had I seen this sooner (and special thanks from me, too, to the wonderful guys here for being so markedly and gloriously different from some others of their gender!)....and I'm still so stunned I can't think of what else I might add, except to say my heart absolutely breaks wide open for you and I only wish I could make this all go away for you!

But I SO hope that counselor will be able to guide you through everything in the best ways possible. Do you think there's any chance one of your friends there might be able to come and stay with you for awhile as you attempt to adjust to all these sudden and painful changes?

Oh, man.....you've just been robbed of so much. I'm so, so, very sorry about everything that's completely torn apart your world in the last while and only hope that collectively, we can all help you through it, for as long as it takes.

And just for the record....you deserve FAR better than this! (so I'm hoping it's exactly THAT that's somehow on its way to you!)

Too many hugs to count!!!!!!
Nissa and Sabin's Mom / F's Mom

[quote name='LoveThem' date=

Somewhere I remember hearing we are not given in life more than we can bear...but when so much happens all at the same time, it seems, it makes me wonder how that can be true.

Sorry about everything...all the losses...it can just be too overwhelming at times.

[/quote]

Thanks Judy

I went to my parents, out of town yesterday while they moved stuff here. I felt better, but this morning I had the counselling session and I feel really bad again. The counsellor said she believed H had made up his mind a long time ago and the reason he is so matter of fact now is because he has gone through all the stages of grieving about the relationship. I am just beginning.

I feel so duped.

As for Rosie, I think of her when I go for walks. We had to carry her down the stairs and I had to help her onto a ramp, then watch to make sure she hadn't fallen on the way. I don't think Rosie was ever fully happy after H's wife died. She always had a sadness in her eyes and now she is with her mom. I think she is much happier now and in a far better place.

thanks again.

Jan.

Sissycat - thank you. I think Rosie wanted to go to Rainbow Bridge a long time ago, missing her mom so much.

I know she is happier now.

Jan.

Bubba,

That really means a lot. I am still in a state of shock and disbelief. The place looks like we were robbed - all his furniture, his tv set, everything is gone. The ironic thing is that so much of the place was designed with his tv set, speakers, studio for his business etc etc and even just a week ago we were building a bridge and stairs for bathroom access to his studio. This cost a fortune, so why would he do this knowing he was on his way out? He was very sure and very absolute, and the counsellor I saw this morning said that she felt he had made up his mind for some time and was probably hoping to wait until after Xmas to make the move to split.

I guess I was living a lie. It makes me wonder if I'm naive or if I just can't trust people. H just never expressed that he felt that bad about things. I think they could have all worked out but we had so many tragic situations in such a short period. I am really gutted. I have my moments of peace, but I still don't believe it. Yet here I am in an empty home with no furniture.

Jan.

Hi Nemo's Mom

I got your message, and will respond soon. I'm also getting audited tomorrow morning for my business - what impeccable timing! So I might not have time today.

I so appreciate you taking the time to send me your thoughts.

Jan.

Oh thanks sissycat - that makes me feel good that you are checking on me! I really need that right now.

thanks so much, it brings tears, but that's not too hard right now...

Sometimes I wonder if the grief is ever going to end, just one thing after another.

Jan.

F's mom - thanks so much for your dear thoughts. I don't have much time right now because I have to deal with audit stuff for my appointment tomorrow morning, but you gave me your # before on a message I believe and now, since no-one is around to care, I will try calling you. I don't know when you are around, or when it's convenient so let me know but it won't be until after tomorrow morning because that's when I'm getting audited.

You guys are so wonderful, all of you! You are seriously keeping me afloat. This is so important to me!

I like the idea of having a friend stay here - what are you doing over the next while? Just kidding, but this empty house is so weird. We had a student staying here who also left Sunday. So 3 people and one dog have left, making it a very empty house.

I really appreciate you saying I have a huge, warm heart! I feel on some level maybe there is something wrong with me for H to make such a final and forever decision without us even having worked on any issues. It leaves me with a feeling of inadequacy. Like maybe I expressed my stress too much over things, or maybe I stayed in grief too long, or let the stepdaughter issues bother me too much. But in the end, I am human, and I couldn't do everything the way they liked. I think this split was mostly SD's discontent with me because she really didn't want me in H's or her life. But ultimately it is H who is the adult and he went along. And in the end, who wants to be with people that don't love you.

thanks for caring!

Jan.

Hi Jan,

Oh heaven's! I'm not sure if that counsellor has that right or not and not that I'm any professional, but it sounds more to me like your H was utterly confused in his own head (and heart) and if nothing else, sure wasn't actively and seriously thinking ANYTHING through. As you said, to go ahead building complicated and specific things that you plan to just up and leave.....there's some other factor that's missing in this picture, I strongly suspect. Either that, or it may have been one of those "let's fill the hole I feel with STUFF and hope that helps" ways of thinking. But you could speculate until the cows come home and that doesn't really change what you're having to live with now. I just hope you didn't let them take any of YOUR stuff or things that ought to have been negotiated over.

And I also hope there's no chance that anything in your business was tampered with, hence the audit. If it's possible, perhaps that would explain such a sudden and hasty retreat?

You can certainly call me anytime after about noon most days (11 your time) and I'd be happy to chat and help that place feel a little more 'filled' if I can'. I just can't imagine, either, how deafening the silence must be for you. I'm sure everyone here has also realized that, of all times of the year, this is NOT a good time to feel or be alone NOR, of course, for something of this magnitude to happen, so if I can help you fill in some voids here and there, I'd be happy to. (and honestly, feeling like I have a purpose for existing right now would be of benefit to ME as well) If I didn't have so many lengthy projects to get done (or, heck, even started!), I'd honestly consider coming out there for a few days! It would do ME good to get out of HERE, too, for awhile. Are none of your friends likely to understand what you're going through and come to help you out then? Or is it just the whole time of year thing?

Your last few sentences are full of wisdom, I hope you know...even if you can't quite believe or trust the extent of your own intellect right now. So yes, in the bigger picture, it's best not to be with those who don't value you, of course, but it still hurts like hell when relationships fall apart, especially if they're beyond earthly, reasonable repair. There are still spiritual-type exercises that can be done on them, essentially to make YOU feel better and help sustain you, but naturally, you still have to feel all the yucky feelings, too, especially at the beginning. Many if not most of us feel like there "must be something WRONG with me!" when we're rejected by those we care about, even in those instances when it's clearly mainly about THEIR stuff. And even though it's also always about US to some extent, too, that's a much longer project to figure out who's baggage is being carried by whom. So just try not to take on someone else's responsibilities.

None of us can act perfectly all the time, or even maybe much of the time, but that doesn't mean we're totally unloveable. Try not to allow them to take away your feelings of adequacy, even though that's a totally natural reaction to any break-up. What's really "inadequate" here is giving up on someone so easily and quickly and that's not what YOU did! You have to fight for yourself now, and to heck with whatever THEY might have thought of you. If you ask me, anyone who loves their kidlets as much you have is obviously of a higher vibration to begin with, so maybe you were just with those whose vibration couldn't match yours and the heartbreak just made that difference more apparent. But that isn't your fault! And you always did have the perfect right to grieve and process things in your own time and way and any that don't support you in that, hard as it is to accept, either just don't want to understand that, or are simply incapable of understanding that because they're too far behind you in whatever ways. I know that probably doesn't help much, but you need to use everything you can find now to feel okay about yourself and not let them drag you down any further. And hey, don't forget that anger is higher on the vibrational scale than depression and grief, and now there's no one to stop you from beating up a pillow or something (except for choosing ways that won't scare your doggies), so USE that if you need to and don't feel bad about it. Anger is hardly gender-specific, you know.

Hang in there, try to think of that audit going smoothly and quickly and if you tell the 'suits' that you were just left, maybe they'll go easier on you, feel uncomfortable (oh NO! FEELINGS!) and WANT to get the heck outta there faster! (after all, they usually send men for these things ) My father was audited twice, after he actually HAD had something dicey done with his books by his accountant....and yet it went just fine. And maybe we can talk when that's done with.

Hi Jan. Just wanted to check in on you. I've thought about you alot this week. You do have a huge warm heart. Don't ever let anybody ever to try and tell you otherwise. It's quite evident in the postings you make to others, inspite of the pain you have been going through for so long. Your husband's leaving isn't about you Jan. He'd probably rather have you believe it is though. Then he doesn't have to face himself honestly.

I'm glad you got a sign from Rosie. She let you know she loves you and that she knows you love her too.

Hugs,
Beth

Hey Jan----------Just letting you know I am here checkin in.Wish I could actually DO something for you.But if it helps to know that alot of us are thinking of you,then,we are, judging by all the posts,doing the group-think-positive-affirmation-thing hoping this awful epoch passes for you in a period that is fleet.If we all lived in the same town we would all be at your house havin-a-helluva party till this huge turn in your life gets on the straight path again.Much good advice and heartfelt feelings have been forthcoming already and I wish I had something to throw into the mix to actually benefit you.I'll go into the parallel universe and tell a silly story only because I don't know what else to do.

Early,one fine morning,the Sesame street school bus was making it's usual morning rounds picking up all the kids for transport to classes.On the first stop,two overweight best friends,both by the name of Pat waltzed on to the bus.On the second stop,a slower child named Ross lept aboard.On the third and final stop,none other than Lester Keyes made his daily appearance.Lester Keyes had a peculiar habit of taking his shoes off and playing with his toes while enroute to his destination.So,what do you have when you put this all together? You have:

(Sung to the melody of the old McDonald's TV commercial of the 1970's)


Two obese Patty's,Special Ross,Lester Keyes picking bunions on a Sesame street bus.

.....Bubba.............

>Oh heaven's! I'm not sure if that counsellor has that right or not and not that I'm any professional, but it sounds more to >me like your H was utterly confused in his own head (and heart) and if nothing else, sure wasn't actively and seriously >thinking ANYTHING through.

Well, that's what I'd like to think. I was thinking about this and I think it's more that H had decided that his "alliance" was with his daughter, which is so sad because I never wanted it to be about choosing between us. I think he had firmly decided that, and the conflicts between her and I (she is aged 14!) reminded him that I didn't do things like his wife who passed. However, who knows what conflicts would have happened if she were alive. Also H had a heart scare and I guess he doesn't know how long he'll be here. I guess he wasn't willing to put up with the 4 or 5 years it would take until SD left home. Or, maybe all this psychoanlyzing is wrong and he just doesn't love me for whatever reason. His style to deal with bad feelings is to "fix" things and not carry on in a grief state. I was not very functional after Ziggy died for awhile, though it wasn't like I was laying in bed all day. I think he sees my reactions to all the stresses we've had as weakness. But in the end, it was really that he made a choice of SD over me, as awful as that sounds, and as much as I never wanted to be in a competition like that.

The audit went fine! Everything is good and no penalties, nothing! I am so glad that's over with! I did tell the guy what I was going through, but he said my books were well organized and there were no worries.

I will take you up on the phone call but not sure when. Right now there is an electrician coming and going (still not finished the reno's) and there is a plumbing problem still that needs to be dealt with. But I certainly appreciate the offer to lend your ear.

>Are none of your friends likely to understand what you're going through and come to help you out then? Or is it just the >whole time of year thing?

I am very, very fortunate to have so many friends! I didn't know how many until this happened. Some people have come forward and called or expressed their support that I never would have imagined. As for the house, I have a friend doing some cleaning next week, then I'd like to try to get the place together. I have to see what's left in the garage. H won't take anything of mine at least he's being decent that way, and no he wasn't involved at all with my business. I will need to sort out some new furniture.

I think it is really important for me to realize his choice is about him and not about me, as hard as that sometimes is. Even if he hated things I was saying or doing, it's still about his reaction. I would have preferred he share with me his concerns than just let them build.

Y'know Christmas has always pretty much been a cruddy time of year for me, at least for the last several years. It always seems to point out that we are not those shiny happy people that the commercials show.

> What's really "inadequate" here is giving up on someone so easily and quickly and that's not what YOU did!

Thanks! That makes me feel better! That's true also what you said that if a person doesn't connect with love to an animal as much, there's no way they can understand the grief of loss from someone who does.

>don't forget that anger is higher on the vibrational scale than depression and grief

Well that's interesting, 'cause I am plenty angry and not depressed right now. I cry but they are tears of disappointment for a vision that turned out not to be real.

Thanks a bunch!!! I am going to put some of the things you posted here as I am doing with other posts on one sheet so I can remind myself of all these things when I feel cruddy!!!

Jan.

Beth - thanks for checking in and for caring - what special people you are on this site!! I am so privileged to be a part of this.

What you said about it not being about me - those words really help. It is so hard not to take it personally when he said he had no feelings for me, and that the two things that made him unhappy were the house and me. No mincing words there. So what you said means a lot to me.

I did hear what I thought as barking once again that day, but not since. I think Rosie must be so happy, finally with her mom. I think Rosie must have really loved her mom and I don't think she ever really got over that grief of loss in her life. Now she is reunited with her special person! That, we all have to look forward to!

Jan.

Well, maybe we could contact Oprah and she could sponsor a big party? I have a big empty unrenovated house with lots of spare rooms!! Must love dogs and cats - I still have 4 dogs here and one cat!!

And I like your silly story too!

Funny but I spent a lot of hours here and wondered if instead I should have been spending time with H. Now I am so glad I did spend time here. I have my little online support system and that is helping me cope in a big way. I guess I would have been spending more time with H if he was able to handle my grief, but felt at the time I was bringing him down. I know that spending the time I did grieving means I am stronger now to deal with the new grief. With Ziggy I felt exasperated and hopeless about humans, this time I feel angry and deceived. According to F's mom this is a good sign.

Thanks a bunch!

Jan.

This is a painting I made for x-H last year. I used to call Rosie Pixie - with her cute pointed ears. I think of her and miss her on my daily walks, but I know that her body and heart was very tired.

Thinking of you my Pixie and hoping you are having a wonderful reunion with your lovely mom!!

Click to view attachment

Good morning my Pixie.

Did you say hello from me to Merlin, Tiffany, Zita and Ziggy, like I asked?

I told you to give me a sign when you are around, like bad doggie breath or something like that... I think you must be busy now with all the reunions.

Sprite, Chance, Asha and Ellie keep on looking for you. I don't know what to say to them but they keep checking where you used to sleep all the time. Even though you were old and didn't feel well, they still knew you were part of the family pack. I think you must be happy where you are with all the great company.

You left at the right time, sweetie. Things must be so much happier for you over there.

Thinking of you, and of Merlin, Tiffany, Zita and Ziggy.

Sending all of you much love.

******xoooooooo

That painting of your sweet Pixie is wonderful,you have conveyed all the kindness in her eyes. That looks tells me that she keeps a special place for you forever in her heart , your loving ways must have been soothing for her perhaps you had to be there for her in a strange mysterious way.
I don't know what your plans are for now but one of my friends' marriage split up and she decided to be able to stay in her house by putting up an ad for a person to share the house, it turned out great for her and the renter, both were able to get back on their feet( that other person was living the same sort of upheaval and needed a place to live). You might consider a rental agreement after a few interviews and ask for references, this might be a solution for you too. Take care and big big hugs, not easy, may you be uplifted by angels of all kinds.

I must reply here and tell you...I think you are dealing with this amazingly well! You have been double..triple..quadruple whammied! I admire people who are as strong as you...I can't handle loss and don't know how to deal with it.

Your Rosie was so beautiful! You are so lucky she gave you a sign to say goodbye to you.

Toonie - you always have such wonderful words of wisdom, and you are such an eloquent writer. Just thought I'd say so, 'cause I'm always thinking it when you post!

I hope Rosie keeps a special place in her heart for me, as you said, just as I do for her in mine... my little Pixie girl.

I am considering something like what you mentioned. Because there is a barn and a large property someone who has a horse could stay here, and there are two rooms to rent. But I also know that there is much to sort out here and I want to be easy to myself over the next couple of months. I am going to hold off making any decisions until the end of Jan. or if it "feels right", whichever comes first. The last thing I want is to create more chaos in my life so I will take some time to think things out carefully. I know there are many options, and it's just finding the right one.

Funny but the last two evenings I actually enjoyed my quiet time. I realized it has been years since I've had that quiet time to myself, just with the dogs and Zeus. The place is still a disaster - looks like a tornado struck and took all the furniture and it's a filthy mess, but just being alone and having the quiet, with no conflict, no-one sassing me, or wishing I was their previous wife, or not being able to handle whatever feelings I have... well it's actually, just nice. I can hardly believe I'm saying that but it's true. I know there will be lots of ups and downs. Just during the course of a day there are many. I think I just feel at peace because there is really nothing I could have done short of being superwoman to make it all "work". I did my best within my own boundaries and limits...

I am so lucky for the great friends I have and for my remaining pets. Even Zeus is becoming more prominent. With Zita or with Ziggy, he stayed in the background quite a bit, because they were both such outgoing girls. But he is really vying for my attention lately. Poor little troup - they don't know why we've been abandoned. Well, neither do I really, but at least we have each other.

Thanks for all the hugs and angels - I think they are here by my side.

Jan.

Wow, Greenie, thank you so much. I don't know if I'm dealing with it well, but so many things have happened that pretty much it feels like the whole world was stripped away and I guess, well, there's only up from here! I am just lucky to have good friends and support.

I'm sure you can handle loss, even though it hurts terribly. It is the grief we are afraid of because we don't like the pain. The pain, as Toonie taught me with the poem by Kahlil Gibran, is a reflection of equal parts of joy, and we must remember that. I have learned beyond any doubt, that feeling that pain and going through it allows us to heal, and allows us to feel joy once again. Pain is just part of the human condition if we risk loving.

Rosie was such a beautiful and sweet little character. She was very independent minded but I know that when I groomed her or bathed her, she appreciated it. I do think she was always missing her mom and now she is with her so I know she's happy. I hope I get messages about Zita and Ziggy - they are the two that I "worry" about most even though I know they are in God's hands.

Jan.

p.s. Here is that poem

On Joy and Sorrow
Kahlil Gibran

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

p.s. "needs must" - Necessity compels.

Hey Bubba

I invited Cher to the big party Oprah is sponsoring at my place - hope you can all come!

This is what she'll be singing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bTREzJL83A

(Sorry, link wasn't working earlier, but I fixed it.)

"Believe"

After love, after love [repeat]
No matter how hard I try
You keep pushing me aside
And I can't break through
There's no talking to you
So sad that you're leaving
Takes time to believe it
But after all is said and done
You're going to be the lonely one, Ohh Oh

[CHORUS:]
Do you believe in life after love
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough,
Now
Do you believe in life after love
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough,
Now

What am I supposed to do
Sit around and wait for you
And I can't do that
There's no turning back
I need time to move on
I need love to feel strong
'Cause I've had time to think it through
And maybe I'm too good for you Ohh Oh

[CHORUS]

But I know that I'll get through this
'Cause I know that I am strong
I don't need you anymore
Oh I don't need you anymore I don't need you anymore
No I don't need you anymore

[CHORUS repeat to fade]


hehehe

Here's a pic of my Angel Dog Merlin playing agility at 16 years of age - he is forever my strength, in my dreams and in my heart!

Click to view attachment

Good Morning my Pixie girl.

On our walks I can't help but keep checking for you to see where you are. Then I remember. There is snow here and that would have been so hard on your sore old bones. Now you can run and play again. I didn't see you wag your tail much for a long time. I hope your tail is wagging lots and lots now as you meet with your momma and play with your old friends.

Saying hello to all of my babies at Rainbow Bridge - don't forget me! I will be there with you one day without the burdens and the challenges of this physical world. Looking forward to that day! But for now I have my furbabies here to take care of. They need me too.

Sending all my love....

Click to view attachment

Emergency help please...

I went into x-h's work studio this morning and it was bare - not a thing there. This was a place where we taught classes together, had spiritual group meetings, meditated etc etc. I really broke down, then talked to a friend who said that that working out the conflicts with SD and problems with the house was just not worth it to him since he just didn't love me anymore.

Perspective, please! I'm going to the dark place in my mind right now that asks, what's wrong with me? That maybe I was too reactive under all the stresses, that I should have tried harder to be calm, that I should have done this, that, whatever.

Please help me stop my mind from reeling like this - I am feeling today like maybe I was / am just a rotten person.

Please help my friends!!

Jan.

Oh Jan. Take some deep breaths. Breath in through your nose and slowly exhale through your mouth. Take a hot bubblebath and pamper yourself a little bit.

You're grieving the death of your marriage. It's quite understandable that you would look within yourself and ask what you may have done wrong. No matter what you did or what more you could have done, there is no way you could salvage what was left all by yourself. Your husband walked out.......of course it hurt you very much. It IS about him and NOT you Jan. You have to believe that because it is true. If you had issues with your stepdaughter then the issues belonged between you and her. Your husband should never have taken sides period. I speak from experience because I also have a stepdaughter who is now grown and has a family of her own. When she was the age of your stepdaughter there were many times I wanted to put her in the toilet........head first.............flush. Girls especially get so much worse as they climb those teen years. They think they know everything!

One stepdaughter apparently wasn't enough of a challenge for me. Oh Lord........I will never forget taking my best girlfriend's daughter in when she was 13 years old. My girlfriend married a man who was abusive both physicaly as well as emotionally. Their home was so unstable and my girlfriend begged me to take Amy. Linda wanted Amy in a stable loving family........one she was not able to provide for her. My hubby and I agreed and off to court we went and became Amy's legal guardians. Oh boy!!!! What a handful that girl was. Her Mother continually tried to coach us on how to raise her and we finally had to say to her that we had to do it our way because now we were Amy's family unit. Without going into too long of a story, Amy lived with us until she graduated from highschool and by then my lifelong friendship with Linda had been destroyed. It was because of how much I loved Linda that we did what she asked us to do in taking Amy in. I was devastated and grieved for the loss of our friendship and still to this day think about Linda. She made some lousy choices in her life and her husband was just one of them. He carried on an affair that Linda knew about with a woman for over a year. He abused her children and her and was drunk most of the time. Linda never left John even though he caused her so much pain in her life. There was nothing wrong with Linda until he got ahold her and pounded away on her self-esteem changing her into somebody who couldn't think straight about anything. Eventually he destroyed the beautiful woman I loved so much who was my friend. Through the years Amy was with us Linda turned into a person I didn't know at all anymore. She had become a stranger oblivious to the life around her and failed to recognize those who truly loved her.

Your situation is not about you Jan. This is about your husband and what happens when grief is not resolved. I know it's hard not to have thoughts about what you could have done differently.........but in the end it wouldn't have made a difference even if you had. Your husband still would be carrying the grief he never dealt with after his first wife passed away. Unresolved grief comes out eventually whether we like it or not. Kept harbored, it can come out in a very ugly way. What your husband did was thoughtless and apparently he didn't recognize the great catch he got when he met and married you. Who wouldn't want a compassionate and deeply loving woman such as yourself? If he thinks for one second the grass is greener on the other side and that he won't run into problems with another woman he's quite mistaken. That little girl of his will bring chaos into any relationship he may choose to engage in. So you see Jan..........It really isn't about you. When you married him, his baggage came right along with him. Believe in yourself and allow the goodness and love in you to rise above the tormenting thoughts you are now having.

I hope some of what I said helped you Jan. You've been through more than your share of grief. Stay connected to those who really care about you and love you for just who you are. There is nothing wrong with you..........

Hugs of love,
Beth

I know this has been a rough go for you and I am so sorry that it just seems to go on and on................

I have been there.......... and for long, long times sometimes. I really have no words of wisdom and cannot even remember most of how in the world I got through some of those very dark days.

I went through a couple of difficult marriages. Kids involved in both. Fight for custody of 3 the first time. Husband had tried to convince me that I was not able to support 3 kids with no education and WHO would want me anyhow? Second time I was the main support for a long time. Now child # 4 (5 including hubby who didn't stick to any job long & was beneath him to accept jobs offered because of low pay)... duhhhhhh NO PAY or low pay? My non education self knew that was a no brainer!!!!!!!!! So I worked 2 jobs 6 days a week & only one job on Sunday for about 3-4 years. AND looked after my 90 something year old Grandmother.... or did she look after me? She helped me a lot.

By this time 2nd hubby was about to quit another job (I knew the signs) and had wanted me to relocate again to another town. How do you sell a house that is in the middle of remodling.... had been for a couple of years.... take teenagers to a strange town away from all their friends so I now had 3 very confused teenagers who needed to visit Dad who had just remarried for 2nd time since me. This DEVISTATED my then 4 year old daughter.......... she cried for days. She was hysterical when we put them on the bus.

Teens then decided they wanted to live with him. Not something most Mothers would allow in that day and time. I was looked down on for allowing that but I maintained they had a right to know him as well as find out how he REALLY was rather than have the whole marriage breakup be my fault. I refused to speak badly of their Father in front of them regardless of our issues. New wife had 3 teenagers of her own raised in a foreign country. What was wrong with this picture? But far be it from me to again "stop him from having his children". My teens did not have an easy time of it and do not have the best of relationships with their Dad to this day. Oldest one tries but realizes he really hasn't changed much. He is however their Dad.

Oldest one about to graduate, second oldest was asked to move out about 2 months before the end of school year so I made arrangements for her to live with my Aunt who is in her 80's till I go for graduation & will pick her up.

I'm still holding out on moving and finally say NOPE... not going..... He worked several hours away and then sneaked into town, took my 5 year old & left me a note to not look for them. 10 days she was gone with him. And when she got back she told me "I didn't let him see me cry, Mommie" Big, big deal to him to not be a baby.

Third oldest came home to me, got involved in a car accident that put my best friends daughter into a 7 day coma and finally returned to his Dad because of all the uproar & blame in a small, small town. She remained my friend as she understood they could have taken her car as well as they took mine & the tables could have been turned. We used to joke that "Someday my ship would come in... but with my luck I'd be waiting at the airport"

Well, my ship DID come in eventually. I made some hard decisions to get myself out of where I was. Moved myself, 5 year old and 90+ year old Grandmother in order to take advantage of a program for women in my situation. Ended up with a good job within the program I enrolled in and began to rebuild again. Met a wonderful man within 5 months of that move even though I was NEVER getting married again. NO WAY, NO HOW. NOT INTERESTED. Didn't even want to go out, see anyone or meet anyone.

Third oldest coming home to visit for the summer but was told not to come back! Stay with your Mom. He did, approved of new man in my life and I asked his permission. His response was "I's about time you found someone good like him, Mom." Son walked me down the aisle.

That was over 31 years ago. Have had ups & downs of course with children involved (mine, he had none). He took in me, 2 kids, 2 dogs and a 90+ year old Grandmother. Much more than he bargained for many times I know. Been the best Father, husband and friend a person could ever hope for.

He adopted the 6 year old (who's Father never made an effort to see her again from age 5) who is now 37, was a super Dad to the 16 year old son and taught him how to be a good man, husband, Father as well as Grandfather in the short time he was with us before son joined the military. Made his career in the Navy and is now working as a civilian in Iraq. Entering year 2 there. He has a wonderful family and I attribute his success to my husband's influance.

Sorry this is so long, but I want you to know there is NO WAY you are a bad person. There is nothing wrong with YOU.... it's the other guy.............

I was where you are and my first husband put me there. My lawyer even told me to "think about this before the final papers go through, you won't have to work and your children will be with both Father & Mother". I am so glad that after 12+years I had the strength to get out of that situation. He was such a control freak and was suffocating me as well as my kids. My name was not even on the checking account all those years.

Your husband put you where you are now..... now it is up to you to get yourself out. You can do it. I know you can. I didn't tell my story for anything except to show you that you can do it!!!!!!!!! Don't let yourself tell you otherwise. You'll have down times, for days at a time sometimes but with the absolute love you have for animals I know you are a GOOD person.

Like me, WATCH OUT! WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT, SMILE, YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!
I mean.... smile, you'll find true happiness again.

Beth

Everything you said in your note to me helps a great deal, especially what you said about wanting to flush SD's head down the toilet . You are right that the part about x-H taking sides has always been what's driven us apart as a family. I've never, never wanted this, but I felt like the intruder with SD from day one. Then I guess I became the intruder for x-H too because I wasn't like his previous wife.

What you dealt with for Amy sounds a bit like me and SD. x-H had no boundaries and I was constantly wanting to create order and limits (like no sassy or disrespectful talk to either of us, some kind of schedule or arrangement for chores and dishes etc). I wanted this for the good of SD, but of course it was met with resistance. x-H just saw it as conflict and I guess I became in his eyes the main problem. SD said that I "hated" her, which of course wasn't true, even though many times I didn't "like" her. Then I was so gutted by having lost Zita, and the loss of Ziggy made me feel disillusioned with the human race. Rosie has been failing for some time and we both knew that was next. All that grief, I guess I never stood a chance....

Someone also reminded me that "love" or "hate" is not about us, but about what's going on the person experiencing it.

Your words helped me a lot today. I want to thank you for sharing.

Jan.

Wow, Flossie's Mom - you've been through a lot. I have been in relationships before but never married before x-H. I married him because I believed it would be until the end of our lives, and also so that for SD we would be an official "family". It makes me think I would not do that again, especially with kids involved. My furkids are quite enough to deal with. I did want to have a child with x-H, now I realize it is a blessing that didn't happen. So my furkids it is and hoping the fur angels are watching over me when they aren't too busy romping and playing.

Thanks. I had a bad day today, but at least I am grieving and it is getting released from my system, unlike x-H who is carrying on like nothing happened. Sometimes I feel really strong, then I have moments of total shock and disbelief, like today in x-H's studio. Back to listening to the "Cher" music again to pump myself up!

Thanks a bunch Flossie's Mom for your moral support!

Jan.