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This is Rosie when she still played with a stick a couple of years ago. I loved her pixie, papillon style ears!!

thinking of you, my little Pixie!

Jan

There's nothing WRONG with YOU at all Jan.. H has some very real issues to deal with. Sounds to me like he held on to you thinking all will be solved, but realized they were too deep for anyone to solve. As for the SD, blood is thicker than water. Some people think there is something wrong with me, 'cuz I've been with Dave for 8 yrs now. we are both well into our 40s. and mariage never came up. I'm perfectly content with him being my life partner. He has 4 kids from a 1st mariage. They all like me better than their Mom's new husband. (which erks her)..But..I can only stand back, watch, listen, give advice, but never ever tell them what to do. It is and never will be my place, and they will always come first in his life. And if something ever happened between us, to hell with the men, bring on the cats!!! A house full of happy feet....I don't think there is anywhere you can go from here but up, Jan. I think we have all been there at some point in our lives where we have loved and the feelings were not the same. I hope you and x-H can come to some sort of co existance and can have some kind of civil relationship and not part ways completely.. He married you, there has to be some kind of feelings..If not, get the cats... Your in my thoughts..And by the way, I printed that picture you posted of the cat clawing a heart on the tree and it's on my locker to see everyday. I just love it.. And Rosie-Pixie is a beautiful dog and that painting you did is great. Your very talented....Hugs.. Ann

Ann - hi.

I don't foresee a future civil relationship with x-H, because of the way he has done this. No talking, no working anything out, no concern about how I can manage here, and dumping his German Shepherd Ellie here to boot (I told him I'd take care of Ellie and he jumped on that without a thought). He's abandoned all of us, even SD indirectly. Oh sure, he says he'll do some work around here, but talk is cheap, and he said a lot of other things that I now realize were just appeasing me as he made his plans for the "big move" as erratic as those plans were. I really can't trust much of what he says. If he has any feelings left, they are buried deep within, but it's no longer my concern that he deal with his emotional wounds. On the "higher level" I wish him the best - mostly in the sense that he discovers what he truly needs to learn to be more harmonious with life. On the human level, I think he is an ***hole (pardon my french). He was a very good actor, said all the right things to keep me appeased. He has no backbone. Integrity is a pretty important trait to me, and he's shown none of that. I suppose better that it come out now in the marriage than living years and years of a lie. I guess the biggest shock to me is how I was under such an illusion of him as a caring, loving, devoted and strong man. Instead I've discovered he just says "yes" to appease, then does whatever he likes. I guess he and SD deserve each other. On one hand the stress of feeling constantly like the intruder is gone, but on the other, it's facing the shattered false illusion I had about the marriage - that is the tough part.

Right now I can't stand to hear a Christmas carol. I shut the radio off when they come on. I am on an acreage out of town where there are power outages and we get snowed in. I am stuck here right now because my car didn't have winter tires - his car was 4 wheel drive and we relied on it in these conditions. Yes, he is an ***hole. That's how I feel right now. But it is better for me to be angry than doubting myself and playing games with my own self-esteem. I do expect better from this in life, even if it means just being alone with my furkids. At least they are honest and they don't play head games or abandon me!

Better get out to get some firewood 'cause the snow ain't stopping! Just call me Ms. Grizzly Adams!

thanks for your thoughts Ann...

Jan.

Hi Ms. Adams, Yeah, I know how you feel. I dated one of those spinless b***ards. I actually thought we could be civil and remain friends. I had no problem on my part. But him, forget about it!. I'll keep my inappropiate thoughts to myself for now. Anyways, shoveling snow wil seem a lot lighter than shoveling the s**t that's been thrown your way lately Keep the upbeat attitude. Who knows, someday he may wise up and realize what he lost. But it will be too late and this will be your revenge.
We're all on your side.. Take care.. Ann

Hehe Ann - don't the profanities feel so empowering? (grin!) I am still waiting for Bubba with one of his penis jokes, come on Bubba where are you?

Yeah, his loss, right. I keep thinking of what Toonie said about my love finding a "new nest". Why be unappreciated when there is the opportunity of being appreciated and loved by others? I just feel tricked that H did such a good job of checking in with me all day - on the phone, in my office, making me coffee, doing little what I would have called "nurturing" things, all the while knowing he was about to make his big exit. I could never be so phony! When I am mad, I'm mad - I cannot pretend. I see pictures of him before we got married and I think that man couldn't possibly be the same person who is doing this now.... maybe I didn't know him, maybe something in him changed, well I just don't know.

With all the snow here I think of Rosie and I believe the timing for her euthanasia was right. She would have struggled terribly in this weather. My other dogs are hilarious as they bound through it, loving it to bits. Anyway, Rosie left at the right time in many ways. I know she sensed the tension and she was such a sensitive dog. I do think she is so much better off, and in lots of ways I am glad I didn't see her dead body this time. I have seen too many of my treasured pets this way over the last few years. So my last memory is of our walk together and telling her to say hi to all my other fur angels, telling her to be a good girl, giving her a kiss on the forehead.

Last night I was talking to a friend and I was angry the whole time about x-H, then I talked about what happened to Ziggy and I burst into tears. I am still so gutted that this happened to my sweet little girl, so loving and innocent. I do wonder if Ziggy's passing was a trigger for x-H to leave, but I think it would have happened anyway, if I showed any grief or sadness or what he considers "negative" emotion.

I have his German Shepherd Ellie right now. She is 12 years old and I can see she is getting quite stiff and having difficulty on the stairs. I know that I won't be able to manage her if she gets a lot worse. I feel very sad and torn about this too. On one hand 4 dogs, all with behaviour issues (except one) is an awful lot for one person. Ellie is the hardest because she won't let strangers into the house without my being there so if I ever wanted to go away I don't know who would be able to housesit (the others are okay once they know the person). She is a big pushy dog too. But she is also so faithful and loyal and it breaks my heart that I'm probably going to have to get x-H to take her at some point permanently. I don't want to have anything to do with x-H now so I would probably not see her again. My heart breaks...

I am also just trying to avoid Christmas completely. Being snowed in makes it pretty easy 'cause I can't go anywhere, but I did manage to get out today to buy some dog food. Good thing I'm not eating much so it makes shopping cheap and easy! And besides that the house looks like a hurricane struck so there is no end of cleaning and sorting of things to do. That should keep me busy through the holiday season.

At least I have good friends to talk to including you here...

Thanks Ann for "listening" and all who offer your feedback.

This is a difficult time of year for anyone to go through grief and loss.

Jan.

Yep, I hear you. I'll find out tomorrow if I'm working Xmas day.I know I will be Xmas eve and that's fine with me. I voulenteered to work, I want to. I bumped into Dave's sister in law yesterday. They do Xmas at their house and asked what our plans were. After I told her I might be working I felt bad. In a strange way mostly for me, 'cuz I just don't want to be around people and celebrate this holiday. I just want it to go away. The whole year, and everything that went with it. Not as powerful as yours, but just enough that I wish I could go away some where alone and start my life all over again...Take care Jan, talk to you again soon.. Ann

Hi Jan,

Yes, I'm glad, too, that your last memory of Rosie was a kinder and more peaceful one. Even though I normally advocate for people to be there with their loved one, in your case, not only was this probably best (that you weren't there, along with all the added tension that would have created in the room, surrounding her in her passing) but you certainly deserve such a blessing in disguise after everything else you've had to witness.

While I guess you can now count yourself in that large group of spouses whose marriages dissolve under the enormous pressure of grief and loss (we'll just ignore the fact that they don't 'count' fur-baby losses in the statistics), I think you're right about it not really mattering WHAT kinds of difficult emotions were present, nor what their basis was. The very fact that your ex couldn't handle known and common pressures that are a part of life here is answer enough. It could have been anything else, too. He obviously can't handle too much, or he'd still be there, fighting to keep his marriage alive, despite the obstacles of life. You're the stronger and wiser one, of that there's no doubt. So hold your head up high and believe in yourself!

Yes, that's a sticky situation with Ellie, to be sure. If it helps any, we never took any trips together when our kids were here. Technically, my H could have gone away somewhere and left the me at home, since I was the only one who knew what-all to do for our kids' conditions, but he only did so for a few bus. trips. So I was house-bound for many, many years. It wasn't easy all the time but I knew I'd never really regret my devotion, either, in the bigger picture. However, if the ex decides or agrees to take her back with him, there's still 'good' to see in that because of the trade-offs of being able to provide better and more manageably for the rest of your furkids. I can understand your consternation and sorrow over the whole sad situation, regardless of which way it pans out, though.

Don't fret about Xmas. It's not the end of the world if you don't conform to the Kodak picture of what it's 'supposed' to be. That's most often just wishful thinking anyhoo. It IS what it is for this year and doesn't necessarily mean any future Xmases will be as bad. I did virtually nothing for it after we lost Nissa (except for a little candlelight ceremony for the both of them), and I still do only the bare minimum so far because it's STILL hard and depressing, esp. with no family or good friends (esp. ones we'd CHOOSE to be with, willingly) to keep me/us company &/or accept my feelings about it. I'd still rather be alone than be stuck with people who make things MORE difficult for me, frankly. And many people ARE stuck with that, and DO make things difficult, so if you get to feeling rotten during the season, think about them in their dysfunctional families, getting mad at each other, building resentments and generally NOT having a great time as they try to make miracles out of no substance. Who needs that? May as well do something, anything, big or small, that YOU get some pleasure or solace out of, and to heck with the rest of the phony Norman Rockwell characters of the world. It'll be okay, even when it hurts. At least you won't have to hold that hurt inside in order to appear like you have it all 'together' for other people. Give yourself the gift of compassion - for YOURSELF!

And if you choose to go romping in the snow with your kidlets, GREAT! Live for those moments and forget the rest as best you can during such good times. Here's a video I just received that you can use for inspiration when you feel like it: Dog & Snow Fun! (I found Harry Connick Jr.'s music a bit annoying in this one, but you can always turn the sound off) I don't know WHAT country this was taken in, but the amount of snow as well as the joy this doggie shows is COPIOUS! Hope this cheers you up, even if only for a minute.

Hey there Jan,Thought I would check in and,whew!!!!Lot's of responses here.You are going through absolute Hell.The first response to breatheeeeee.........is a good one.In your nose and out your mouth,slooooooo.........ly............Concerning the party,well...........I'll wear my finest in-competition-with-Cher headpiece and a splendid time will be had by all.

In time Jan...........One foot at a time..............Bubba..............

Hi Jan,

I just wanted to stop by and let you know I have been thinking about you and also have kept you in my prayers. You've made some great friends here Jan and we'll stay with you all the way through this horrible time of your life.

I really don't remember much about last years Holidays because I was still in a numb state, not really caring about anything at all..........including myself. If you choose to skip the Holidays this year, it is perfectly understandable. You have enough on your plate to sort out to last you for some time. Take each day one at a time. Once you've had a chance to work through this, and I know you will, you will truly realize that none of your husband's hasty actions are about you. Stay the sweet lovable self you are!

Hugs,
Beth

Hey Ann, well, maybe I'm the lucky one 'cause I have no choice but to start my life over again! Having a few difficult Christmases seems to make the season just get more and more difficult. Last Xmas was awful because my niece was in hospital with an undiagnosed disease, which affected her brain. She was like a 5 year old with Alzheimer's and many other symptoms. It's since been determined to be Lyme's disease and she's slowly getting better.

I guess at least x-H and x-SD don't have to fake being happy around me. I know I felt the tension for a long time, but I did think it was based on difficult cir%%stances.

take care Ann

Thanks - trying to, but I do have my moments. Like at 4 a.m. last night laying there is disbelief of what's happened.



Well, I don't have to do anything immediately. The saddest part is that she is more bonded to me than to x-H even he admits that. She was never taught manners and so she's a bit of a pushy, loud dog, but for the most part she is just a devoted and faithful girl. On our walks, she is always right by my side while all the others play. Losing her will be "just one more" - Gawd! It's a lot to take.



Yes I've seen that one - my dogs are much the same, they LOVE the snow! Without my dogs and Zeus I would be totally lost so I am very lucky to have them, for that I am grateful.

Thanks F's mom!

Jan.

Beth - your posts always make me cry, but in a good way. Maybe I am feeling your prayers because I do have moments of total serenity and peace. I could be doing a lot worse. I just miss the constant companionship and I find it hard to believe x-H doesn't, but it appears so. I find all of it hard to believe but obviously I had no idea what was brewing for quite awhile.

I guess my only regrets are my suc%%bing to stress and reacting to it; there was so much stress and grief! I honestly thought we would soon be "over" this and get to enjoy the marriage, but it's not going to happen now.

So I have to find ways to rebuild and take care of myself.

thank-you!

Jan.

Hi Bubba

Haven't stopped breathing so far, that's a good sign! I just feel like I'm in some surreal, unreal world. When I'm asleep and I wake up I can't believe what's all happened!

Even at the computer, when the screensaver comes on 3/4"s of the pic's are of someone dead or gone now. Weird, weird, weird.

So as a tool of survival and strength, I dedicate the following male bashing jokes to x-H (nothing personal to you Bubba or the other good men on this website, 'kay? (Some were even funnier but a tad bit too risque for this site!) :

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
Why is psycho&%^ysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about ****** them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.


bah-dah-dah-dum..

Oh, but how can you truly regret what was the natural "other side of the coin" to great love? As you said, there was just "so much" to contend with, and close enough to all at once! You, me, or pretty much anyone else here or elsewhere, are not above being human and having normal feelings, after all. Try not to be hard on yourself about this. We've all experienced much the same stressful reactions, even without double and triple whammies, and those of us who have had more than a plateful in short periods of time know all too well how easily depleted we can get over such circu*mstances.

I repeat - it's NOT YOUR FAULT you have feelings and it's even LESS your fault that you're honest enough to not hide them. Those are GOOD qualities that are normally lauded among humans, and if they aren't when we're the most challenged, that's just poor perception on others' parts. So don't let someone else's shortcomings 'make' you feel guilty. You have NO reason to be and you sure don't need the extra stress feeling guilty, or extra-responsible, creates.

But as each new thought and feeling comes up, keep coming back so we can all help you to see things in a healthier light. That's part of what friends are for.

Jan.......Throughout my life I have learned many things though I still have much to learn. One of the most important lessons for me to understand was that I can make plans and dream of the future. That was the easy part. The hard part was for me to understand that I can't plan the outcome of all I desire out of life. I've had to put my faith and trust in believing that I'll get what I need. Though I may not understand the reasons of why something happens, eventually the reason becomes clear..............sometimes much later than I would have liked. And when that reason dawns on me I say.....
OH! Now I know why. The reason is now clear. Sometimes wonderful and beautiful events wind up happening that would never have happened otherwise.

All of this no doubt is the lowest point you have ever been in your life. Have faith that you will also weather this severe storm and rise above the pain and sadness you are feeling now having. The strength lies within you in the depths of your loving heart. Don't ever allow anything that happens in life harden your beautiful and loving soul. There is a saying that lives in my heart. This goes for you too. "TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE." You are special Jan. Always remember that. You will rebuild! I promise you will and you'll become an even newer and better model.

Hugs of comfort Jan............from my heart to yours,
Beth

Hi Jan,

I was thinking of you today and how you are doing. I know you are in so much pain from the break-up with H. One of my break-ups (one that was caused by him not being able to handle my grief/stress) was particulary painful. However, I think I learned and grew more from that than I could have ever imagined. I went back and looked through my stuff, this poem was particulary comforting to me at the time... and it's so true. I hope it can bring you some comfort, too.

After a While

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...
By Veronica A. Shoffstall

"Letting go of what no longer serves you opens you up to receive all the new gifts life has waiting for you." Barbara DeAngelis

"But how shall we expect charity towards others,
when we are uncharitable to ourselves?
Charity begins at home, is the voice of the world;
yet is every man his greatest enemy, and, as it were, his own executioner."
~~Thomas Browne

HUGS!!
Hope you are doing OK,
Ren, Zorro, and Nemo's Mom

Oh, thanks F's Mom, but I know at times I was overreactive to the financial stresses of building the house, the delays the cramped living space, the things going wrong (so many of them) and living with x-SD. Sometimes I got to a point of yelling. Twice I remember throwing sheets of paper on the floor - one a list of conditions about x-SD's ipod that I had written; x-H thought what I wrote was too harsh. I was mad and threw the paper on the floor, just like I did once when there was some issue about siding or something or other. I was so frustrated I threw the sheet on the ground. It wasn't like I was constantly screaming and throwing things, but the tension was constant. x-H would never say much. I know now that he internalized his frustration. I didn't see this brewing and I wonder if I could have somehow stayed calmer. With the grief of Ziggy and Zita, I know I didn't function that well and he did more of the household stuff for the first month of Ziggy dying. I just wonder if I could have kept my cool more, functioned better, had I known that x-H was boiling over inside, could things have been saved? Maybe not, but I don't know.

I do appreciate you trying to help me see things in a healthier light! Right now I feel like maybe I've been scapegoated into the "source of all problems". I feel like he thinks I'm Satan personified.

Jan.

Beth - I do so appreciate your words of wisdom and it really does help.

I know a long time ago I went through an awful mess with my partner at the time. He left me abruptly and then a week later my landlords told me they were selling the house (that I had just moved into). They wanted me out in about 2 weeks. They said they needed to fix up the place because they were going to sell it. This was not even legal, so I had to go to arbitration to work things out and point out my rights as a tenant. I remember laying on the floor feeling like I'd been shot (similar to how I feel now).

Anyway, I found another rental place that would take pets and it was a lot worse than the first - it stunk, had huge cracks in it, a neighbourhood kitten would come into the house through the cracks in the wall. It cost more than the first place to rent. I couldn't stand living there and started looking into buying a house. As I looked I found my old rental being advertised "as is" i.e. no repairs or fixs ups (the reason I was evicted). So I did go to arbitration, and I ended up with enough money for the downpayment of my first house. In fact I was awarded more money than I asked for. And in the end that house doubled in value and made it possible to completely pay off my next home (but I'm back to a mortgage now since meeting x-H). So in that case, the worst thing that happened to me in my life all worked for the best.

I hope this will be the case too. I guess I just can't figure out how x-H could hide his loathing for me, building up all this resentment, yet doing so many things that appeared nurturing. It's so hard to make sense of it all.

Today I feel very disheartened and very rejected. x-H has been saying some nasty things about me, and I feel doubly shattered. So often I jumped to his defense and wanted to be supportive for him. I feel like I put my love in the wrong hands with him and he has devalued anything I gave him...

Jan.

Hi Nemo's Mom

I used to have that poem posted on my fridge, thanks for reminding me of it! I will copy it so I can put it somewhere again.

thanks so much!

Jan.

I feel so misunderstood!

x-H told someone I was "nickle and diming" him - huh?

I was focussed on getting things ready for the audit and had just done a quick rundown of money we each contributed to the house, but wasn't finished. I hadn't got back to doing that because for one the house was turned upside down, and secondly it is such an emotionally draining and sad thing to do. I had told him that I wanted the $21,000 I paid to pay off his car loan and I think that is fair. Nickle and diming.... how disheartened that makes me feel. I want to take the higher road, not a road of vengeance. I do want my fair portion, but not asking for more. Also x-H was fairly extravagent and my investment money went to lots of those extravagances including plane fair for a trip he is doing in March. Anything I've financially done for him seems forgotten. Also he told this person that I wanted to work things out but there was "nothing to work out".

I got off the phone and cried.

It is snowing like mad here. I might be stuck here for a couple of days. I guess I will start actually looking at the contributions towards the house. He must think I'm sitting here obsessing over every nickel when in reality I've just not wanted to face having to do this at all.

I'd better go get my dogs in, it's a blizzard out there.

Jan.

Hey, Jan,

Whether you can recognize it or not yet, I see good things here in your ponderings, and important movement in your thinking, even as you're rather 'berating' yourself. Rather than it being about 'berating', though, let's instead call it the necessary and worthwhile steps of self-assessment, just another part of the whole process of growth that can come out of adversity, as we learn about ourselves and decide what to keep and what to modify or discard. The most important part, though, is just being aware of how we've been, or are.
Well, sure, I guess you could have stayed calmer or something...especially if you'd had fewer feelings (i.e. less love for your babies) and were less honest a person and wished to stuff things down instead! Of COURSE you didn't function that well - you were actively & honestly grieving! Does that make you a bad person? Of course not!

Maybe think of this as another form of the "if onlys". "If only I had acted more coolly when under great stress and bereavement, then maybe..." What? Your ex would have turned into someone other than who he really is? Or, he would have stuck around until the NEXT major stressor came along to upset the apple cart and his unrealistic expectations of life and marriage? No, Jan. His reactions to yours are still his OWN choices and you could never control those, even if you wish you could have. (and let's still not forget the MANNER in which he handled all sorts of things) Furthermore, he'd either committed to your marriage or he hadn't. If the desire to stick the bad times out with one's partner isn't there, then there can be no weathering of any storm. You may have provided him with an easier excuse to give up and get out, but you didn't MAKE him do anything. He did HIS stuff that put its own strain on you, but you didn't want to leave him, did you? No. So it's his baggage and not yours. Did he leave because he had to do a few more chores, or because he was incapable of supporting his spouse through tough times? You think other couples haven't had screaming matches or even singular ones, especially during terrible challenges? That alone is not a precursor for break-ups, because if it were, there'd be precious few couples.

So in your processing, you've seen you didn't act 'perfectly' at times, and hence you are human, as they say. But again, it's your honesty in being willing to take a closer look at yourself that matters, and is still commendable. Don't underestimate this, as many people run from that very process and so never allow themselves to grow. Many just live in denial of how they act &/or react. What you're doing is growing from this.....already! So GOOD for YOU!

Your ex, on the other hand, isn't likely going through the same process as you.....not if he's as closed-off as you've seen. Therefore, his chances of improving upon himself are much slimmer. I should also mention that people who withdraw (or try to deceive others at the same time) are, as therapists say, the hardest people of ALL to work with professionally or in personal relationships. You can't get squat out of them, so there is no movement, or commitment to make the necessary changes in relationship dynamics. You can't work with NOTHING, right? And nothing is all they give, so stuck in hiding everything they are, from others and most especially from themselves. So if he does virtually nothing within himself, he'll just repeat his same patterns with another person, endlessly, unless he chooses to open up to something greater.

So even if he's bad-mouthing you, know that at least you're looking deeper than he is, and not excluding yourself from the equation (you know how it always takes two to tango).....more glory to YOU in the end! YOU are the one who will rise above all this, while he is stuck with NO movement towards a return to wholeness. And IF you know anything much about his relationship to his first wife (or even better, with his parents), that may give you lots more material from which you can see the baggage he brought to yours and his relationship.

Playing devil's advocate, I suppose you could even imagine (because you'll never really know if he never talks about it with you) that it was equally each of your faults. But even if that's so, there's one thing that's apparent. The two of you together did not make as healthy a couple as you likely each would have liked. That still would leave you with the same kind of inner work to do now, and you could still grow from it. But the good part would still be that you're DOING it, right now, already.

When my first marriage broke up long ago, I did 2 years of soul-searching, reading, investigating and some counseling, before the divorce papers were even signed (the imposed wait was part of the Family Act back then). The more I learned, the easier it was to see that although it was pretty obvious that my ex had what you could call (and many people DID!) WORSE and certainly more destructive problems than I, it was still the two of us together and our respective baggage that made for a really lousy combination. So, BOTH our faults, even if not quite equal. In the end, although I know I was much more committed to working things through, it was also obvious that he was not in the same space or as valuing of relationship as I was. Even more importantly, I believe I went through that marriage for spiritually GOOD and sound reasons for my soul. I've forgiven him his part in it and just feel good knowing I did more inner work that served me later on. His 2nd marriage sounded shakey to me all along despite all his (insufferable & dishonest ) bragging about it, and soon he left his 2nd wife, too. She was even more enraged than I'd been, which told me that he'd continued to deceive and probably even became 'better' at it. I remain convinced he was still as clueless as the day we first wed. And more dirty stuff came out about him years later. So I've counted my blessings MANY times - a big PHEW!! It forced me to learn and for all the anguish that marriage, and its break-up, caused me, I'm very grateful for the growth that resulted. It was also another stepping stone towards gaining more compassion, something I value so much now, even when it kills me! I'm never going to be perfect in this plane, and the growth will never end even when I'm gone from here, but at least I'm not in the same place, or the same person, that I was then....thank goodness!

So I hope you can find that hopeful place for the future, if not now, then later, after more pondering. You don't need to rush....all in good time....the perfect amount of time for YOU.

Oh, and btw, I did a tally, too, on who contributed what to our first house....AFTER my ex had continually blown all HIS money on various things (and at least one other woman!). It's NOT "nickel and diming". It's called "fair's fair"! And if I were in your shoes, I'd also find a better lawyer than the first one you spoke to! Make sure you actually LIKE them in some way, too. (or look into those new divorce companies that favour arbitration, rather than adversarial proceedings....IF he'll agree to that) Never mind what he thinks or doesn't think. Just think of what you need to do for yourself first. Anyone who's worth their weight as a friend isn't going to blindly accept whatever he has to say about you anyway. They'll check it out with YOU first.

Still snowing here, too. I'm beginning to think I'm living in the Swiss Alps!

Thanks F's mom - you had a lot of wise words for me there. It really helps.

Thinking more about things and my out frustrated reactions, although I could have been calmer at times, I certainly wasn't yelling my head off all the time. When I think about it more, the few times I did it was either because of sheer frustration of the problems and costs of building our extension - and that was nothing to do with x-H - just sheer expression of frustration! The other yelling or "enhanced" reaction was over things to do with not feeling heard. This started with a polite conversation. Then when no changes happened, I spoke a bit more adamantly, until at some point I did lose it. Again, it wasn't often, maybe 5 times during the last two years. But, as you said, looking at my own reactions is something I can also learn and grow from. Perhaps I wasn't facing the fact that I was being "diss'd" and thought he didn't hear me so I spoke louder! Recognizing that there was no movement could have perhaps put me in a place of truth much sooner. But I so believed he was wanting to work things out, because he seemed to agree with me. I can learn from this that actions do speak louder than words.

Also, with stuff about building etc maybe I needed to find a place to express my frustration but not express it to him. It was really, really frustrating at times - like I wanted to throw myself off a cliff, frustrating! I felt "safe" to express this to x-H because he seemed okay with it, wow wrong I was!! I was in a previous relationship of "walking on eggshells" and I thought it felt so good to be able to speak my truth. Well, I guess lack of reaction does not give me that permission! I do need to speak my truth, but perhaps more carefully in future. Also I would possibly spend some review time after, seeing how "my truth" affected them. There is probably more to learn in all this, but I guess that's why I'm here.

Thanks for sharing your story about your x-H too. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one to have gone thru this.

And I know I will find the least confrontational way of settling things about the property, being fair to us "both", as long as he agrees.

Someone said to me that it was best I not even listen to anything he says about me to others, and to even ask others not to tell me. Although it's tempting to know what's going on, it does just put me in a more upset headspace so that's probably good advice.

take care and thanks - sorry for being so self-absorbed but my whole body is in a state of crisis and disbelief. Facing my new "reality" is very disorienting.

You are all helping me stay grounded during this - thanks, thanks, thanks!

Jan.

Rosie

I could have sworn I heard you bark upstairs again a couple of hours ago...

Were you giving me another message? Or was it just my imagination... I'm sorry you were feeling so rotten for a long time and about all the stress here that I know you felt. I hope you know that I do love you and those last days were very hard... I think of you running and jumping with all your old dog friends and playing agility with your mom again. Hope you are having lots of fun... and you didn't forget to say hi to Merlin, Tiffany, Zita and Ziggy did you? I know Tiffany used to grab your tail and scratch you, but she can't hurt you now, can she? Tell them all I said hello and that I can't wait to see them again - we'll all have a wonderful reunion when the time comes...

lots of love my pixie..

Jan.

Today I feel such unbearable pain that I question my existence - why it is possible to go through so much trauma and loss to the point that there seems no more room for pain in my body. Not in a suicidal way - I could never do that to my dogs or my parents - but the pain won't stop and I don't know what to do with it. Life feels pointless. I wonder really, what have I achieved. All that I tried to do to create structure and boundaries for x-stepdaughter has been spit back in my face. x-H uses her to shield himself from me. x-H had SD phone me to tell me they couldn't make it to pick up some stuff- I was outraged that he would use her as his messenger.

It won't stop snowing here and where I live there are very few plows, which means I am stuck here. Yesterday I was bringing in firewood and shovelling, shovelling, seems like I make no mark. Then the dogs were getting in the way and stepping on my heels. I just couldn't bear it. I broke down. x-H would have done this before. How could he do this to me? I feel like I am truly broken inside; I don't think he could have done a more cruel thing to me.

I don't know if my parents will make it here for Xmas. There is just so much snow and the driving isn't safe. There is cleaning to do and working out of finances. But I just don't care.

I have spoken to so many friends on the phone, but I feel like I am just run dry. What can be said anymore... I just feel pure intense pain.

No-one can come here and I can't go anywhere. I feel isolated and alone.

Everything I tried to build - all the love I tried to give... everything seems wasted. I feel like my whole life was an illusion.

A couple of times today, and last night I thought I heard Rosie bark again. That bark was a sad bark - stuck on her little dog bed wanting something, but not knowing what. Where she slept, the whole room is now void of everything - both her and the furniture. The sofas are gone, the TV (except for the custom built cabinet made to fit x-H's huge set), there are limp wires where x-H made sure the wiring included surround sound.

How could he do such a cold hearted thing?

I look outside and it just keeps snowing and that makes me cry more. I think I can honestly say I have never felt so low in all my life.

Jan.

I wonder if she wasn't saying to you that she loves you so much and the sadness was also because she was all heart with you on that thought:

Sometimes we feel like we have run into a wall, when you see all the snow around you (it,s all around us too) it feels like these walls are closing in on you. It's just winter at its worst. Already the worst is over. You remind me of when I was at a low point in my life , by the time I met my husband(30) I didn't believe in ever being anything but single and had resigned myself to that but he managed to convince me to try again and we ended up raising two fine sons together.
Hang in there, this too shall pass. For now just concentrate on taking good care of yourself, get yourself some good food by cooking for all the family, make lots of soups and share with your furbabies, listen to music, it's so hard to shovel all that snow that as long as you are doing this for now you should rest for all the rest. I hope that you will start to feel better, it would make Rosie less worried about you, I am positive that this was the reason her bark was like that.

Hey Jan -----Thought I would check in today and I see that you are in the throes of unbearable anguish.First and most important I am glad that suicide is not an option for you.Not only would it devastate your human and animal family but from what I understand it voids any chance of a reunion with humans and animals on the other side.Apparently it pisses off God if we take our own lives.Having said that,I know the pointless-existence-nothing left feeling you are experiencing and this is a situation that can leave us no choice but to bear it until it passes.To me,there are times when no amount of prayer or faith seems to take the place of plain old pain and grit until time changes the situation and we grudgingly accept it.I have been aware of the dark-suicidal-nothing left feeling since I was 8 years old and when my parents started taking me to the shrink.As I write this,45 years later I still live in a perpetual(or at least about 90% of the time) place of darkness-sad-life is pointless-almost impossible to focus because I am thinking a thousand thoughts at a time- life of mere existence.To say I am mentally ill would be an understatement.While I am blessed to be with a beautiful,intelligent,deep thinking woman who for some reason agreed to be my wife 19 years ago,have every material thing you can imagine,career in full swing etc etc.......I still live in a place of never ending sadness.And when a tragedy takes place it is exascerbated as I don't ever REALLY get over things(mainly death) and the weight of grief seems to only compound as I get older.I am WISER but the pain mounts.As a person who has never met a pain relieving substance that was not fully embraced,I hate to say it,being an old hippie and all,that nothing really works except living with the pain and looking forward to the brief moments of respite when the body and mind can no longer take it and everything shuts down for a minute or so and there is a sense of release.Today is one of those REALLY bad days for me as I am re-experiencing Willy's death.On January 3rd it will be 4 months since he died and for the most part while I work and function in the world,it is one bloody inch at a time.Grief IS my constant companion.I cried out to God about an hour ago to just let me see Willy for just a few seconds.I prayed,I waited,I prayed again.NOTHING!!!!!!!!!All I want is a couple of seconds just so I can 'KNOW'.....NOTHING........This blind faith I have in God is all I have quite frankly.All I have is the 'HOPE' of a reunion with Willy and other loved ones here and on the other side and if I blow it by offing myself then it is REALLY over.One bloody inch at a time.One sort of ego-consolation in all this clutter is that I feel I have seen more that the average person will ever see and 'know' more than they will ever know.Most people,in my experience are about as deep as a bird bath and never really look beyond what is on sale at the mall or what stupid sports team is doing whatever this season(I am one of 12 males in the world who was born without the sports gene and to me,sports watching is a moronic waste of time).I think it was my certifiable insanity that lead me into a carrer in the arts.I want to say that I hope this blathering of mine has been helpful but it probably has not.Maybe knowing you are not alone in this 'aloneness' will be of some avail,I don't know.One thing we do know is that nature will eventually resolve this mess called life and this impermanent predicament we all share will come to a close...........I'll stay in touch if you want me to...............Bubba...............

Oh Jan-

My heart just aches for you when I read your post. I know how that feels... it is a terrible, terrible, low low feeling. I know what it feels like to feel like there is nothing but pain, pain, and more pain. At these moments, you have to just concentrate on the small little things that give you a tiny tiny bit of joy- your dogs wagging their tail, a cup of coffee, a bubble bath- anything to get you through. You have to take it one breath at a time. Just get through to the next.. and keep going. It's so important for you to do everything you can that will give you a little bit of happiness, although I know it feels like there is none. And it doesn't help that you are stuck there because of the snow... I am sure that only compounds you feeling terribly alone. You are not alone at all, and you are going to make it through this and be much happier than you ever were with ex-H. I know it seems impossible to believe, if someone would have told me that 6 years agos I wouldn't have thought it was possible.

We unfortunately have to go through these dark, dark moments to get to the other side. But the learning is process is such a total self-discovery. And we come out stronger people than we ever thought we could be, than we ever thought existed.

I hope you are feeling better and MAKE yourself do something really nice for yourself today...it can be anything, just make sure it's just for you!

Hang in there & HUGS
Ren, Zorro and Nemo's Mom

Hi Toonie. Maybe you are right. I know that Rosie was very aware of tension and sadness. She is maybe tuning into all my stress and sad feelings. I heard that bark twice today and yesterday too. Then it makes me aware of how empty that whole livingroom is. Not only is Rosie not there, but x-h spent most of his time there too. Maybe she is letting me know she is still around. It's funny because it always sound like it's coming from upstairs in that room. It could be just something that sounds like her, but sometimes for a day or two I don't hear it at all. It's the same bark I heard just before she was euthanized, and at the time I didn't know what time that would be. Maybe I can see it as some comfort from the spirit world that they know my sadness and are with me on some level....



I've downloaded a ton of music to listen to - it does seem to help a bit. And had lots of aromatherapy baths. Makes me feel less "cold" among other things. As for cooking, I just don't want to eat anything. I'm eating enough to survive on, but food just makes me want to wretch right now. But my furbabies are eating well. Poor babies, I get mad at them when I am trying to do things and they are getting in the way. I can't help thinking how I am their whole life now, whereas before it was me x-h and sd, plus an international student. The dogs seem so bored and I don't blame them. They are looking at me for entertainment. I was so desperate to get out that I spent an hour getting my car dug out from all the snow and they came with me for a car-ride (all 4 of them!) I picked up some pottery (from a class) that I made that had just been glazed and got some groceries. I rushed back because someone was going to come and plow the driveway but they didn't make it so I trudged thru the waist deep path back to the house. There was a cup in my pottery collection that I had made for x-h. It actually turned out nice. Well, now x-h won't ever see it. All these little things I had planned for him at xmas that won't happen. I had actually even have a Valentine's card that I bought ahead of time.

I am encouraged that you still met someone after giving up. This was my 3rd major relationship and I was convinced it was "it". The thing is I don't make the same mistake on my relationships, I seem to make entirely new ones! I hope there is still "hope" for me in relationships. Managing this large property on my own is a bit daunting. But I have to believe that there is a higher and happier path for me. Otherwise life is not worth living. I hope this is a crumbling of all that "is" so that what "will be" opens up a greater and more loving and open path for me.

Thanks Toonie again for your words of wisdom.

Jan.

Bubba - yes I want you to stay in touch! I feel like you understand depression. I too have had my fair share of it. I think those of us who look to life for greater meaning, struggle when meaning is difficult to find. Honestly, I ask myself, why would I ever have chosen to come to this painful, difficult place called earth? Was I nuts? The spirit world seems such a nicer place...

As far as suicide, I would not consider it, because I don't believe it solves anything. I think whatever worries or problems we have would just follow us to the spirit world. I think what you call your state of being "mentally ill" is instead a courageous, creative place that many never dare to probe. It is looking at the deep questions in life rather than living on the surface. I can't relate to those people you talk about who never go beyond "surface stuff" and I think often us who are tortured artists inside, are tortured only because we dare to look at the difficult truths that exist within us and in others. Maybe that's what scared x-h away? In the zodiac sign, I am a scorpio, not jealous, but definitely very intense. I just can't carry on doing mundane things without a sense of inner purpose. Oh yeah the laundry needs doing, but honestly, if I can learn something deeper by sitting quietly and not rushing into the mall or zoning out watching some mundane program on tv, well I prefer to see truth than avoid it with silly distractions.

You are so very lucky to have a wife of 19 years and to still be so adoring of her - well that speaks highly of you too! I'm sure in 19 years life wasn't all roses either, but you obviously stuck through it during the fun times and the hard times too, and her too.

I also know what you mean about praying for a sign and getting a big "zip" / nothing except the thoughts in your head churning all over the place. I asked for someone from "up there" to give me direction or a sign of the purpose of all this or what's to come. Nothing. But I think too that sometimes these signs are closer to us than we really realize. Like I wrote myself a note from Rosie's "mom" in the spirit world (x-h's previous wife) - trying to bring through her thoughts. Well I don't know if what I wrote was accurate, but there seemed to be some wisdom there. I think that sometimes these signs and inspiration are right within us, but it's like how we don't notice we are wearing clothes. We just forget to look and see, or listen and hear. Well, I'm sounding all wise and all-knowing, but really I know nothing. And the more I live the less I realize I know.

And yes, what you said was very helpful and it does make me feel less alone. Please stay in touch.

Jan.

Yes, it seems to come in waves. I had one of my worst waves this morning. Then I was talking to someone this evening and realized I just didn't want to talk about it anymore for awhile. But this morning I was in a total state of disbelief, just wanting things to go back to how they were, and wanting my illusion to be true.... I just wanted to crawl up in a ball and make the world go away.




Thank you and I do need to believe that I will be much happier. I have to keep that vision somewhere in my mind. And I have to also believe that the love I did give to x-h and to sd (who thought I hated her because I wanted some structure and boundaries for her) will in some small way make a positive difference, even though right now they have basically spat in my face. It is hard to be strong when two people turn against you in such a dramatic and forceful way. It's hard not to take that personally. But I just don't think there's much I could have done without going against my own integrity to "keep them". So I must accept what is...



Thanks Nemo's Mom. I have to come out stronger and not be beaten down by this. I think that anyone who does face grief and not deny it goes through an experience, that though very painful, but maybe strengthens us on a soul level. I think shoving it down kills us or kills our joy for life because we then have to run from it when the feelings come up, like x-h did... Like Toonie said the measure of our grief also reflects the measure of our joy - and shows us how much we opened our hearts up to loving. In loving there is always a risk. And life is fluid and there are always changes. I could have loved less and my pain would be less now. I can see why people do shut off their hearts, but I couldn't do that.

Thanks - I do appreciate all of your words.

It does make me feel not so "all alone" even in this suffocating weather. And I will try to get out again tomorrow even if it is just to get cat food.

Jan.

Hi Jan-----Then stay in touch I will.I don't know if I shared this with you in the past,but I will type this little ditty I read somewhere. Somehow it touches on what we have corresponded about.

Suffering is grace.
Pleasure keeps you asleep in the habits you are accustomed to.
Suffering is the disconfirmation of your expectations and it forces confrontation and it gives you the opportunity to awaken.
The predicament of awakening is: once you awaken you can't get back to sleep..............

You can doze..............but................

People who think beyond pay the price I guess.........That's what we get for using our head for something more than a hatrack.

P.S. I understand the snow thing.A long time ago when I was a student in Boston, I, being a California native,was made keenly aware as to why so many people migrated to the West Coast from the East Coast and the Midwest.Thankfully,Jan,the snow will go away and maybe by then your situation will have gotten better.The pendulum can swing only so far in the negative.Eventually it has to travel in the other direction.

It ALWAYS does..........Take care friend,Bubba.......................

Yes - wise words, and thank you for that.

I think the one thing suffering does, is allow us to grow. As long as we are connected to feelings, suffering will play a role in our lives. I don't mean attaching to negative patterns or negative thinking, but true pain of loss, based on how deeply we love...



hehe, yes, also wise words...





Thanks a bunch my pal! I will survive... and I have to believe it's only up from here.

Hope you are also surviving this difficult season also.

I had some vivid pictures in my mind's eye of Zita yesterday when I was sitting with Zeus. Oh, how I still miss her sweet little face and personality. Then I remembered that today last year was the day last year I decided to adopt Ziggy. I picked her up the day the SPCA opened after Christmas, on Dec 27th. There are many emotions this Christmas with all the many losses of this year.... but as you say, we will be reunited one day at Rainbow Bridge, and until then, we must enjoy the souls we are privileged to know here on this earth plane.

take care and hope you are doing okay too.

Jan.

Hey there Jan--------- I guess when we really stand back and look at things objectively (easier said than done) and reflect on the show(our lives up to this very second) we notice that we have been in and out of incredible-no way out-man it's REALLY over now (speaking for myself anyway) situations in the past and they have always resolved to the tonic chord in the end.Seems like the whole of humanity has,since God knows when, worked to end suffering.You name it:Shrinks,churches,Mother Teresa,The Moose Lodge,The freakin Salvation Army!!!!!!!! and what happens? While one fire is put out another 3 begin.
The suffering won't end till we do.This appears to be the program.
Jan, know that your forum mates are here and will be here for you for a long time.........

From my outpost here at OCD headquarters, I bid you good evening and will be back again..........Take care pal, Bubba...............

P.S. Glad to see Dottie is back..............

Hope yer doin alright today------talk to ya soon -------Bubba.............

Jan, We must have been posting at the same time when I posted the one just above this.I responded to your post on my 'shooting star' thread.Talk again soon.
Bubba..........

Hey Bubba - thanks for checking up on me. I think we posted at the same time because as I posted to your thread mine came up on top..!



Yes, I think the natural pattern in life is to try to create balance when we don't resist the grief process and are honest to what we feel at the core of our soul. What I am realizing is a lot of people are very disconnected to their own feelings, because feelings are scary and unpredictable. But if you cannot fully feel pain, how can you fully know joy? This joy is what our furbabies gave us, and what our living furbabies are giving us now.

And yeah, those fires, well I'm just watching the fog of smoke hovering over the little burnt down forest of my life and thinking, how to replant...? But even in that scenario forest fires replenish the earth and start things anew so there is maybe purpose in this too...

And speaking of Mother Theresa - she did do some amazing things though and through many "small" acts that were void of ego. She was an amazing role model.. Here are some of her quotes that I love:

There is more hunger in the world for love and appreciation in this world than for bread. Mother Teresa

We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop. Mother Teresa

Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless. Mother Teresa

****

Yes, and yay that Dottie is back!

Thanks for checking in on me buddy, it means a lot. This is the way I will get through this cruddy time in my life, by having people in my life (online or other) that can help lift me up and that care in some small way. Because those small acts of caring are really very huge, and can even be life changing.

And perhaps I have to realize that living with people who claim they do not love me, was really a waste of the energy I have to give. As Mother Theresa says, there are many places to offer love and appreciation....

Thanks for checking on me. My parents managed to get here and I was able to pick them up even though the road conditions weren't great. Winter tires are a true miracle! (Where I live you don't normally need them!!)

So today I can be grateful that I (1.) saw the sun today (2.) saw my parents (3.) had snow tires that performed (4.) and had 3 phonecalls from friends checking in as well as your thoughtful note. And I'm sure there are more things I could list but that's enough to help me sleep tonight.

Thanks again Bubba.

Jan.

Hey no problemo!!!
I am glad your folks made it to your house.You are blessed to have them with you.Mine have been gone a long time.These moments with your Mom and Dad will probably have a little extra glow this year.
Mother Teresa, YEA, talk about ditching the ego and walkin the walk.Bet she has a comfortable Laz-Z-Boy in heaven!!!!!
Snow tires: Beats the hell out of a Radio Flyer wagon with ski's bolted to the bottom.

B back later.................Bubba...............

P.S. I am a little backwards here in the chronology of my post but I agree that most people are afraid of their feelings and usually refrain from talking about them.That requires thought and work and it is far easier to avoid.Put it in the closet and don't look at it.But since you are NOT doing that you will be the victor in this and x-H will have his emotions catch up later when he can no longer resist them surfacing.......................

Good morning Jan,

Already you have begun to replant your forest! Your loving heart will allow it to grow and flourish. Just like the forests that have burned and come back fresh and anew, yours will too and it will be more full and even more beautiful than before.

I was glad to hear your parents made their way to you on Christmas. Of course that meant alot to you that they came. Mom's especially can be so comforting and wise during difficult times. My Mom passed away 20 years ago, and I still find myself talking to her when something lays heavy on my heart. It sounds like you have very loving parents as well as a wonderful network of friends who care about you very much. Keep surrounding yourself with the love you know is true and watch your forest expand and grow before your very eyes.

Peace, love, and joy to you during this Holiday Season, Jan. May you have a bigger and brighter 2009!

Much love with many hugs,
Beth

Hi Bubba

Yes I'm very lucky to still have them, and they are good parents, solid and committed, as well as a stable source of emotional support my whole life... I have to admit that with all the loss I have some fear about losing them too. They aren't young anymore. My dad had a heart attack when he was just 45 and has been living on "borrowed time" for over 30 years! I had always thought that x-H would be there to support me through this loss when it inevitably happens. I think with all that's happened, it's just like I am afraid to relax and breathe for what else might be around the corner. I know worry doesn't help anything, but it's like I've been dodging bullets for the last 3 years.



Yes, I wonder if a person can spend their whole life avoiding emotions - it seems some can. I find for me it is easier to deal with what I feel than bury it because I'm sure it would just keep popping up anyway. I've never tried much to push down my feelings so I probably don't even know what that would be like. I would actually think that it would be more work not to acknowledge grief or trauma...? I had an ex partner who had a very traumatic childhood and used alcohol and many other "escapes" to numb himself from those feelings. I eventually came to believe that since his father had committed suicide, the numbing substances were possibly his only tool for survival? I mean I know that is not a healthy coping mechanism, but perhaps with his limited coping skills the pain would have been just too much so he was unwilling to face it...? I wonder what makes grief so hard to face, or is it just conflict x-H is running from.... I wonder too if grief or sorrow is much harder for men to deal with because of society's expectations that "men don't cry" etc etc and all those horribly unhealthy stigma's we create for men...

Or it could be x-H just got big-headed and thought he saw greener grass on the other side of the fence. That's a strong possibility.

This is what a friend of mine once said: "I think when you are hurt by someone, the scars can heal. But when you hurt someone else, those scars show up on your soul. Perhaps only to be healed in another lifetime, if there can be one."

I believe our soul is the "connected-to-God" part of us. I think the information available to us through the soul has far deeper wisdom and guidance than any book, any expert, any source of external information....

Maybe part of life and pain is learning to make an even deeper connection...

Jan.

Beth - thank you for your encouragement. I still have pangs of disbelief and waves of extreme pain, but it seems to be intermixed with a certain peace... like I know I did really try in the best way I knew, and they refused my love... And also feeling that my love is a gift, and if they didn't want it, there are others that will, in, as Mother Theresa describes, a world starving for love and appreciation. Of course my world as I knew it has been shattered and there is much pain still with the shock and acceptance of it all. It is the shattered illusion that is hardest to accept...

I am grateful for the foundation my parents gave me. I'd have never thought I would need their support so much at this age in my life (I am 44), but they know me at my core, and that is a core intends good, and not harm.

I am very grateful for what they still offer me. They had to drive home early because the snow wasn't stopping and I was nervous I would be able to get them to their car, parked at a hotel. The past two Christmases have been very difficult. x-h had made plans on the phone with my mom about Christmas dinner before he announced he planned to split, just days later. He was definitely not being honest.

I hope he will decide to move far away from here. It would help not to run into him anywhere. Just on my drive back I saw his car presumably returning him and his daughter from the shopping mall. The less I think about what he is doing and saying, the better.

Thanks again Beth for your support - it means a lot to me.

Jan.

Hey Jan---------Your last line of the above post speaks to what I have been thinking about lately.The pain being a part of life and maybe more importantly,strengthens that connection because it forces us to depend on God when we have tapped out all of our earthly options.Like he is trying to get our attention and not lose sight of the big prize. Some things come to mind when I ruminate on this idea:

If ongoing pain/confusion is part of the plan to get our attention and 'connect' with God, While it can get us running back to him it can also make one weary and either force us to reject the concept of His existence or become fed up with His program and feel we are singled out for failure.Coupled with that thought is the question as to why it seems that some people have nothing but success in many areas and don't appear any more connected and in some cases less connected and not dependent on God.This is not self-pity but more a question to the balance of things.Is it just lousy fate or worse,pre-destination?.......Is God that 'Evil Genius' We read about in Philosophy 101 back in our college days and does He possess a sick delight in seeing a portion of us suffer mentally/physically in this big science project of His (creation) ?...........'GOD'!!! I hope not 'cause boy are we screwed!!!!!!!!!

On the topic of the death of parents,I used to freak out when I would think about that especially when I would include in my thoughts that I had no brothers and sisters to share this pain with.You know what? it was not anymor painful than I thought it would be.By that I mean that,of course it was dark and painful and memories of 'the good ol days' flooded back in gallons.But it was tempered,in time,with the fact of their humanity, that God (disregarding for a moment what I said above) would care for their souls and they would continue to live because they were human.Sad and cozy at the same time.Keep in mind I was VERY close to my parents and it hurt like hell but I really did adjust to it.I kind of surprised myself actually as to how strong and 'adult' I was.

Our furkids are a different story and I go back and forth on this all the time.Usually I just create my own version of the "Bridge" and go with that to create an internal reality and save the few grams of sanity I have left.

Bubba.................

Hi Bubba

I think "separateness" is an illusion that somehow man created, and that the reality is one-ness with all here and all in the spirit world as well. Quantum physics supports those ideas.

Here is part of an article I came across by Robert Burney, perhaps you'll relate to it as I did:

"Because the channel between Spiritual Self and human self was disrupted by planetary condition, the human ego began to develop the belief that it was separate from other humans and from the Source. This belief in separation made violence possible. The violence, caused by the false belief, meant that humans could no longer enjoy a free-flowing emotional process. As a consequence, emotionally-repressive environments evolved in the social systems on this planet. Human beings were forced to adopt defense systems that included the belief that emotions were negative and had to be suppressed and controlled. This was necessary in order for human beings to live together in communities that would insure the survival of the human race. It is not necessary any longer! And it is dysfunctional."

The other thing I was thinking is that deep grief is a "symptom" of deep love. Emotional energy doesn't go away unless it is acknowledged. Even though grief feels really bad, it is also a measure of how much we have opened our hearts to love. Maybe without all the social stigmas about grief, we would be more united in humanity and embrace grief instead of looking at people as "weak" or "fragile", "unable to handle things", the way x-h was looking at me. So maybe it's not just grief that is tough but how society in general handles grief.

And why do some people go through lives without a lot of pain or grief, being sometimes connected and sometimes not connected at all to a higher power? Well, that is a good question. But then maybe the smallest of discoveries in life can be quite huge for some souls. And also our sense of time here seems forever, whereas I think that is a kind of illusion as well. We are just a blip in the context of time. I'm not sure if time even really exists except in our illusion of life.



Maybe it has to do with what we do with our pain. I wrote a prayer once, I will paste it here:

When we are in times of crisis or difficulty, help us to accept the challenge of transformation; of shifting directions and making important changes. Whether we know the reasons for situations or not – let us find meaning within them.

From the ashes of despair, let us find the power of love to heal pain. Rather than be driven apart, let our difficulties be the bridge that brings us together in a higher more spiritual love. Let our problems bring out our deepest truths and in self- reflection, we may release fears that keep us in a state of suffering. Let us accept the challenge of difficult cir%%stances to grow and transform spiritually.

Instead of being driven apart by fear, we can walk together in love. In passing on this power and strength to each other we are kept alive in joy or in purpose. Let us never suffer alone, but reach out to others.

The material side of life is impermanent. Our spiritual journeys help us move forward. Let us find together find oneness in these spirit journeys.

****


Thanks Bubba. That is reassuring. I feel very assured that all souls live on after death. It is my reaction to it that scares me since I have counted on my parents so much for a baseline of stability and support. It is good to hear that you were close to your parents but was able to adjust and have strength. I hope that I have some time to enjoy them before this loss because I'm not sure my heart could bear anymore right now.



I have had "visits" from my old dog Merlin, fairly frequently in my dreams and in a real enough way that I do believe he is still strongly connected to me. He was my special dog that I adopted at 4 months and lived to be over 17 years old. I was with him for 17 years, my longest term relationship besides the one with my parents. With him, I can't explain it, but I "know" he is still there for me and that we will be reunited. Maybe when the pain is fresh it is more difficult to access these visits; I'm not sure. I wish I could offer you real, concrete evidence that our pets are really there waiting for us, but I guess faith will have to do. I can just assure you that of the many questions I have that is not one, and I feel positive that we will be joined again in the afterlife...

thanks for your thoughts!

Jan.

Jan,
Well I'll go backwards again.Starting with your last paragraph.What you said about the pain being fresh and making more difficult to access visits from our pets.For some reason that struck a chord.Right now,almost 4 months after Willy's death,I am in a constant sort of dull-ache bag with occasional flare-ups into full fledged screaming grief.Perhaps I have not reached a calm,consistent enough place where my mind/heart will accept more visits from Willy.After he died,the first couple of days I had visits while awake and then some while dreaming a few weeks or so later.I think I can internalize what your saying maybe more clearly without words than I am able to put to print here.

The quote by Burney when (if I have understood it properly) referring to ego is something I have mulled over for years.The separateness humans have concocted thinking there are vast differences between us when the only real distinctions are cultural and not physical.I experience this when I go shopping with my wife.I hate shopping.But I always find it interesting when, in a large group of people of all stripes, that we share so many common desires and needs while looking so different.All predjudice would be wiped out if the bigots and racists could really 'see' how similar we all are.Of course that would take thought and reading and most people young and old these days are pre-occupied with the acquisition of 'stuff' and not the discipline of inner work.

The grief being a symptom of deep love is true and our reaction to the loss of our pets and the continuing thoughts of them is proof that they were not just another 'animal' but a true loving tie no different than that of our bonds with humans.If people would take the time to consider that we all share so many common themes and like emotions it could solve so many of the worlds ills.Unfortunately this is not likely........
Bubba...............

I think it might be because I am at peace with the passing of my old Merlin and the fact that we were so inseperably bonded that he shows up a lot in my dreams, whereas neither Zita nor Ziggy have really clearly shown up in a dream.

I had a really bad night last night, kept waking and feeling betrayed and spat upon by x-h, the man I thought would always love and protect me.

Just before waking I had a dream where I was sitting with my mom and she said "You get off that icy road" and who should she be talking to but my faithful, loving and devoted Merlin boy. In my dream it was just like he was never gone. That's how he comes to me sometimes in dreams. Even when he was alive most of my dreams included him because he was my faithful buddy, always with me, my constant companion, my most longterm relationship with any being. Maybe he showed up because he knows I am distressed. He was always so loyal and steadfast.

Also, just minutes ago, I thought I heard Rosie bark from upstairs again. I think Toonie is right when she says that Rosie feels my sadness and is telling me she's there. I don't want Rosie to feel that sadness but there is such an emptiness and pain for me right now that I can only ride it out until maybe life takes a new turn.




Something else I've noticed is that even people who read, like x-h, might understand certain things academically or intellectually but don't follow cues from their heart. We humans in general are followers and if a prominent author, or especially when many authors or leading "experts" say a certain thing, often we accept these principles without necessarily even understanding them. Like for example, the law of attraction is the latest one... I agree with a lot of the principles about that but believe much of it is misunderstood. x-h believed if I spoke about a fear or even a solution to a fear I would "draw" it into me. His interpretation of this, in my opinion, promotes emotional dishonesty. We are not "shiny, happy people". I like a lot of the Buddhist principles about happiness, and of course I want to be happy too. But shoving down very real and very intense emotions to pretend life is wonderful doesn't make those emotions go away. I think it is by acknowledging grief or fear that we can find tools to live with it and seek happiness and balance again.

I really believe that we have all the answers we need in our own soul - that "connected to God" part of us, and if we would stop "thinking" as much, and start "feeling", maybe we would connect more easily.

There is a saying, I think it is by Brock Tully, "Don't just listen to what I say, try to feel what I mean." I think those are very wise words.



Yes, like Mother Theresa said, if we add one more drop into the ocean it is one drop more than it was before. Maybe small acts by lone individuals are much "bigger" than we may imagine...


Jan

I'm having a very rough morning and this seems the best place to go.

I was just looking at the many unfinished projects started by x-h at the farm and thinking, why?!

Why did he marry me if he wasn't committed?

Why did I go through all the physical, financial, mental and emotional stress over the last 3 years of living in a construction zone, for a home designed for our "family" (with many "special" touches for x-h), when there would ultimately be no family? Why did I ever bother trying to create structure for x-sd, who now has no rules and no structure? She is daddy's princess, and that makes her feel special, but I think of the costs of losing her childhood, having no boundaries or guidance and getting everything she "thinks" she wants...

x-h's choice to marry me and create our "dream home" together cost me my health, my finances, my peace of mind, and more importantly, killed two precious sweet and innocent souls, Zita and Ziggy. Had I never moved here Zita and Ziggy would have been safe from predators and shooters.

With all these challenges and difficulties, I believed there would be an end and x-h and I would have each other. Now I have an unfinished, unrenovated place, full of more financial and renovation complications (that I wouldn't have dreamed of taking on alone, ever!) and x-h is off in his own world of oblivion. I will not be surprised at all if there is, or will be soon, a new woman involved, as he does not like to be alone. He hasn't even asked about the dogs, and Ellie the GSD came all the way from England with him. Ellie is 12 years old. x-h has no idea how she is starting to fail. Her back legs give out on her a lot now. She is drinking quite a bit of water lately and she is on pills for urinary incontinence. I looked at her this morning and she looked really sad. x-h doesn't really care about her any more than he does me, nor any of the other dogs, even Asha, who loved to snuggle into him in the morning. Or if he does care, no-one would ever know.

I just feel like I have wasted my energy and my life this past 3 years, believing in something that was false. But worse than that I wasted the lives of Zita and Ziggy in this false illusion of my life.

My only "comfort" in any of this, and it's not much really, is that I believe we have a life review before we die and get to experience the ripple effects of the actions we took in life. I believe we get to feel what other's felt as a result of things we did or said. If this is true, x-h will truly know the pain of this choice he made, regardless of his present oblivion.

I have had an all out ugly sobbing session outside with the dogs this morning for everything lost and gone over the last 3 years. Not only did Ziggy and Zita senselessly die, but also x-h's cat Tiffany was killed by the neighbour's dog here, my Merlin was euthanized inside this house and then the recent loss of Rosie, but in such an atmosphere of ill-will from x-h towards me.

How can a person live with himself, or actually even experience peace, by abandoning me and the pets in these conditions...? I had sent him an email asking about which switch to use for putting the water back on in case of a power outage. He didn't even respond, until I sent another email asking him again. I get a feeling he is actually even getting a sick kind of pleasure having left me with this mess and basically flipping me the finger for anything I've tried to do to give his daughter structure and adult guidance...

I don't know what to do with all these feelings, so putting them here is at least someplace I can be "heard"...

Jan.

Sorry that things are so rough, reminds me of this song. Sting & Police I Been Down so Long Lyrics:
written by J B Lenoir/A Atkins

The sun sets across the ocean
I'm a thousand mile from anywhere
And my pocketbook in my heart
Both just got stolen
And the sun act like she don't even care
The wind blows cold when you reach the top
Feels like somebody's face is stuck
to the bottom of my shoe
Got a plastic jesus, a cordless
telephone for every corner of
my room
Got everybody but you tellin' me what to do

Well I've been down so long
It can't be that much longer still
And I've been down for so long
That the end must be drawing near

I looked to everybody but me
To answer my prayers
Until I found an angel in the bathroom
Who said she didn't see anybody
who was saving anywhere
And the blind man said,
"Simple... like flipping a coin
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/LdeK ]
-
Don't matter what side it lands on
So long as it's somebody else's dime"
Cause if you're the top of the bottom
It all feels the same
We live out of fear if we're too
rich or we're too poor
Guess all I can do is muster up some change
And a little bit of faith
And take some dignity when I
walk through this door

Gonna take a trip
Catch a train
Got a ticket in my hand
And then a fat man takes my money
And like cattle we all stand
I'm just a faceless body lost in
this vast and worthless sea
In a thousand people I do not know
But really they are no different from me
They all have passion
They all have fear
They all have intense confusion
And no sweet moments that are clear
They all have aspirations
High hopes and dreams
And are really that alone like me

We've been down so long
It can't be that much longer still
We've been down so long
That the end must be...
The end must be...
The end must be drawing near
Lyrics: I Been Down so Long, Sting & Police [end]


Hope the wind shifts soon for you, but know that where you are today, many others have been and more importantly, given all your potential, life will make it up to you, or rather you will eventually empower yourself and get it all together your way. Hugs, you will make it after all, you have the greatest attribute, yourself.

Hi, Jan! My kitty and me came by to tell you we're thinking about you, Hon!

Love ya so much!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Aw thanks Toonie.

I tried to find the music on youtube.com but the music I found didn't match the lyrics you had.... I read the lyrics though and knowing that I'm not "alone" does help. Each day will get easier.

Lately this is my theme tune, Fighter - by Christina Aguilera. You may find the music and video a bit brash or dark, but I love the symbolism and the idea of offering thanks instead of vengeance.

I do think I can come out of this a better, stronger person, and that's what I have to focus on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB7pQpNx-F4

Fighter

After all you put me through
You'd think I'd despise you
But in the end I wanna thank you
'Cause you made me that much stronger

Well I, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
Guess I, I couldn't trust
Called your bluff, time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmm

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you, cause it...

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Oh, ohh

Never, saw it coming
All of, your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard, you're going around
Playing, the victim now
But don't, even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave, uh huh

After all of the fights and the lies cause you're wanted to haunt me
But that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust, so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
You won't stop me

I am a fighter and I
I ain't goin' stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Thought I would forget
But I, I remember
I'll remember, I'll remember

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Thanks kitty and Dottie!

I hope you are doing okay too!

Thinking of you too and just being kinda self-absorbed right now.

Jan.

Hi Jan, Been feeling really depressed as of late. I seem to want to run from everything and everyone around me. Then I come here and read your post. I hate change and don't adjust to it well at all. I tried to put myself in your place. Man, I just want so much for you to find the stregnth to get thru all this bs in your life. It's way too much..Is there anyway you can get off that property and start somewhere new??? I loved that prayer you posted and just wanted to let you know that I'm sending many more your way..and many much needed hugs.. Ann