Oh boy, yeah there are those that test us, that's for sure! Some people do elevate themselves above others, I can think of a certain x-person in my life. Although he never verbalized it that way - he demonstrated pretty clearly that there was no empathy for any of what I went through in the last year. But these people are disconnected, and I truly believe it is these people who struggle most in life. Connection to feelings is the connection to the soul. I finally figured that out through this intense experience. Our feelings are like our soul's compass. People that judge are disconnected to the feelings of others. And that disconnection is what causes violence in the world, and allows people to do what that shooter did to my poor Ziggy, and my x-h, to do what he did to me. They are cut off, believing they are "separate". But it's not true, and even your aunt who claims you are crazy, I believe, will go through a life review and get to feel all your reactions to that comment she made. That is my feeling of justice in my own situation. That I know I have meant well, and intended good, and have experienced incredible hurt. What x-h did caused the most pain I have ever felt in my entire life, and he has that to look "forward to" in his life review. I am reading a book called "Coming Back to Life" by PMH Atwater. She died and came back 3 times, and she went through that life review and felt every impact to not only every person, but every animal, plant and other effects of all her actions in life. The thing is she was the one judging herself. She said that though it was hard, she realized one thing, that all through her life she kept trying, even if all her decisions weren't perfect, she always tried hard and she gave herself credit for that.



Well, I think these people come into our lives to bring up "stuff", and to stir the pot and make us learn something. Yes, they bring up a reaction but I don't think that means you are anything like your aunt. I am trying really hard right now to look at everyone as just souls at different states of progression. Some are in the light, some more in the dark. Your aunt, I would say is the latter, when it comes to understanding the connection you have with your animal kids. If I think of x-h as an 8 year old instead of a 54 yr old man then I could have more compassion. So I've started thinking, you know he really is more like an 8 yr old emotionally. He never developed from there. People would say oh sd is not responsible because she is just 14, but then I got thinking, she is probably more emotionally developed than him, despite her comparing herself to me at every possible occasion, and pushing x-h to leave until he finally caved. So who is really to say who is responsible.... I mean really he does not have healthy parenting abilities or skills, but there is no law preventing him from it. So I am starting to try to think of him as soul that has taken a wrong turn, and that he will, as we all ultimately do, have to face his own stuff at some point. No matter how he avoids it or runs from it, it will be there right behind him. I don't think it's as simple as just a mirror, but everyone is there as a "teacher", is how I see it.





Well, I like you the way you are! You have been super compassionate to me, and I've been grateful for your sensitivities! So thanks for being you.


>ONE MORE ADDITION: And then we have the 'in-betweens', as I call them. Pretending...or fooling themselves...to be so >spiritually high up there, and right IN the healing professions, more's the pity. Yet their words belie their real atti tudes. >For example, I just received this note from one: "My mum's cat used to sleep perched round the top of a plant pot. It's >lost its marbles now unfortunately." I can't help but notice the word It, along with the blithe terminology of "lost its >marbles," esp. when this woman knows well enough how I regard animals and how sensitive I am to their fates, etc. >Another 'cool' type, whose true motives for 'helping' others has more to do with ego and making wads of dough and a big >name for herself than about just HELPING people out of the goodness of her heart. And, another example of how I fail to >see the mirror effect in this exchange.

Yes, it's always in looking behind the words and seeing the intention.... sometimes it's not what we would expect or hope for.... But x-h didn't even use words, he kept it all in. And he's in the "healing profession" or so he says. Now I don't really think so, I think it's more the profession of choice to stroke his own ego. The whole experience I've been through has showed him to be a total contradiction of what I believed he was.

I've been thinking a lot about how to judge people's honesty and true intentions because I think that's been part of the lesson for me too.... I have been pretty trusting, and I don't want to lose that trust, but I think I need more proof from people that they walk the walk, not just talk the talk. Also, there's a difference from people who know things "academically", in the head, and those who know it from the heart and soul....

Maybe these are some lessons that are showing up for you also...?

Hope you are feeling better lately?

Jan.

Ohhhhhhhh yes.... I actually saw a show on Nova about the cat, it had to do with the parallel universe theory. I guess the one way of thinking was that light behaves differently when you view it, then when it is not being viewed. The other way of thinking was Schrodinger's cat theory, was that in one universe the cat died, and in the other universe the cat lived. This opened up a flood of possibilities. I thought it was fascinating. The other show I watched on parallel universes expanded on that theory, and put into effect that are an infinite number of other universes (whether actually parallel or not), all floating in this 11th dimension, which is infinitely long but very tiny. It is actually very close to us... that's where I started to get confused. Anyways, these universes are membranes that connect us all, and when the membranes collides, I thought that was very interesting. Could it be that we are just a dimension or universe away from our departed love ones? I just thought it was all amazing. It seems we are all connected in some ways.

Jan, I loved your quote, "I did some inspirational public speaking at a group - this is the benefit of not giving a s**t about anything is that I've become very brave and unconcerned about how anyone might look at me or what they might think about things I say!" That just cracked me up. GOOD for you! Yes, I truly believe connection to one's feelings are connection to the soul- just like you said. And part of own empowerment is letting go of fear of what other people will think. That's awesome! Your posts seem very enlightened and hopeful. They are great to read!

And it could be that sd is more emotionally mature than x-h. I'm sure that is probably a fact! And yes, he took some very bad turns... and choosing not to face his feelings will just get him in a world of hurt. You're so right, no matter where he runs they will be there!!!! In the end, he will face his feelings whether he likes it not. Part of becoming a more highly spiritual and evolved being is facing our feelings and getting in touch with our soul.

Well, gotta run! Talk to you all later!
Ren, Zorro, and Nemo's Mom

Of course a 'mirror' is also a teacher, mind you. I just keep thinking of Dr. I. Hew Len (one article on his work) who healed inmates by working on himself, not on them, using Ho'oponopono.

But thanks very, very much for the compliment anyway! There's no greater compliment than being appreciated for being yourself! So, WOW....

I've actually been trying to work more on myself, lately, and again...not that this ever really stops. And my soul's urgings have been pushing me to take my OWN self-care more seriously. The good news is it's paying off already! I've enrolled myself in an extreme self-care online class for the next year. And so yes, and thanks so much for asking, Jan - I AM feeling a bit better lately.


You've got THAT right. I think the only real 'trick' is to use your trust to intuit what you can, and if someone isn't that good for you, you just need to either let them go or avoid them in the first place.....or maybe use something like Ho'oponopono?!

I also agree with Nemo's Mommy, that using your current state to basically let go of other people's opinions about you is wonderful therapy, all by itself! Job well done! There's some quote about since there will ALWAYS be someone who judges you (unfairly), all throughout your life, you might as well get over it and not bother with worrying about it anymore. Good advice. We should really only care about what we think of ourselves....and work on that as best we can.

And since your thread has also rather morphed into a repository for all things metaphysical and the like, I thought it might bear reposting this link to one of the best podcast interviews site I've seen yet: Conscious Media Network. It's so chock-full of some of the greatest minds and interesting people & discoveries on the planet today. Each interview is an hour, so I usually multitask as I'm listening. (the founder of my new work is also on here and he's very amusing - Eric Pearl) So for anyone who's interested....I GUARANTEE you'll never be able to see the universe or world the same way ever again!

Hey thanks Nemo's Mom!

It's funny how I feel right now and I can't even really explain it. At times I have felt depressed and even hopeless, maybe even when Ziggy died because of my lack of faith in humanity. It's wierd though with x-h, I seem to have gone sort of numb, very upset and still not really able to eat, but *not* depressed. Gutted, sick with disbelief, shocked, horrified even. But not depressed. I don't know why - maybe some sort of survival mechanism. I have actually had moments of peace within everything. It's also strange how many people I know seem to panic about me not getting fearful about all that might happen to me. It's funny how fear seems to be the "normal" reaction and more than one person seems concerned about my lack of fear about my future. I just can't go that fear route anymore, it doesn't change a darn thing except to make me feel fearful! What will be will be I guess and what will not be will not be. I just keep thinking about that Monty Python song "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life", life's just that ridiculous at times, really it is.

And you know it's funny, the other part you mentioned about other dimensions, something strange happened to me today. They talk about the "veil" between life and the spirit world. Well, I saw Zeus out of the corner of my eye today as I was at the computer and I turned to acknowledge him. Except that he wasn't there, at all, not even in the room. But I know I saw a cat and I thought it was him. Was it Zita, or was it Ziggy? I don't know, not sure which. But there was definitely a cat there! Either that or I am losing it entirely, but I swear there was a cat.

I seem to be getting more visual signs of Ziggy and Zita than through dreams. I love getting dreams because sometimes they can seem so real. But then I guess the visual thing that's happened to me shows a presence right now in my present reality. That's interesting too....

And yes, x-h has to live with himself and with what he did. He knows it, his soul knows it. At some point something will blow up because feelings just cannot be denied for ever without making a physical impact on your body. I now know why he had heart problems. It's been mentioned to me that maybe when he had his stent operation they went in and removed his heart. It would appear that way by his recent actions. He can't run forever. Although he puts on a good facade I know he and sd are not happier now than they were before. Of course they'll be blaming me for that too! But what do I care! I can live with myself and I know I intended good things. It's him that turned it all upside down.

Good night all!

Jan.

Well you deserve it - you've been so generous to others here, always empathetic, always supportive - you are special!! Yup. Regardless of what that goofy aunt of yours says!



That's great that you are doing self-care - that is so, so important. I am realizing that for me, I was busy nurturing x-h's so-called "leadership qualities" even though really these are qualities I want to bring out in myself. But not wanting to go down the road of ego with it if you know what I mean. In that sense what you said about mirrors is true also. What I was trying to bring out (unsuccessfully - I think I just served to pump up his ego enough to think he was better than me!) in x-h were the leadership qualities I admire and need to work on in myself.

Also about judgment. I believe judgment (not discernment) is what leads to all violence in our world. We need to judge things to survive, but the idea of the "observer" appeals to me, where we are detached from labelling anything. Just looking at "what is". Of course I have given some labels to x-h when I was chopping the ice blocks on the steps in December, but that's not what I mean.... We have to acknowledge feelings at the same time. Just that judgment is the basis of separation, and the belief in separation leads to violence. This is simple, but profound to me. These are the things I am writing about right now for my famous book that will come out soon. As I said, why not, might as well do it all, say it all while I'm still stuck in this human body of mine.



I will have a look at this later, off to bed for me now!

take care

Jan.

Hey Furkidlets Mom- I watched 2 of these the other day- thanks so much for sharing these! That site is awesome! There is a wealth of information on that site. So many topics to listen to! I found them really fascinating!!! Thanks so much for sharing that! I look forward to listening to many more. These people are really experts in the field....it's amazing some of the things they have discovered.

SOOO glad you're enjoying it! I know I sure do! And I definitely share in your excitement!!!

Be sure to find whichever ones that have to do with the afterlife and such, as that all helps with giving us more peace and understanding, on whatever levels. Yup, "amazing" almost doesn't even cut it, they're all so thought-expanding! Check out Dannion Brinkley for sure (he's on there twice) - an update, tho...he's now physically died FOUR times, and come back each time. Also check out Gregg Braden, Bruce Lipton, Hazel Courteney (her take on feeling animals' pain is something else!), Walter Kruttenden, Konstantin Korotkov, Lynn McTaggart, Dr. Gary Schwartz - the latter involved in some of the scientific studies on the work I do now. I've also just ordered Jonathan Goldman's "Holy Harmony" CD and can't wait to try it out. They also need to do an interview with Dr. William Tiller - surprised he's not on there yet.

I was wrong, though - some of them are only 1/2 hr. long. I've still not listened to all of them yet myself, there are SO many, but I'm looking very forward to expanding even more when I do! And btw, it's SO satisfying and helps me feel SO grateful to have even a few others actually interested in these things! (my healing colleagues all are, too, of course, but I don't get to talk to them all that often) So woo-hoo! Ain't the Universe really, truly GRAND?!

Hi Jan! That made me laugh! It's true, fearing for our future will get us nowhere, but having the courage to go forward and face our fears gets us everywhere. Yes, fear is just a mechanism that holds us back and gets in the way of living. Very profound!

I bet that was Zita or Ziggy you saw the other day out of the corner of your eye. You are having more signs from them, maybe that means you are getting more in touch with your soul and they are better able to come through to you? Just a thought. You have been on quite a journey...

Hey- have you checked out some of those interviews from the website Furkidlet's Mom provided? I have been watching them all day. It makes me feel different about life and I how I look at the world just watching them. Very empowering...
I had a real moment there when Dannion was talking about how every person we meet, how we affect them in one way or the other. Really makes you think. Sometimes we can think we don't affect anything, and in reality we might have made a huge difference. Anyways, they are really good shows.

And you and FK Mom were talking about self-care. I've really been thinking about that lately. That is so important. I get lost sometimes and just put myself last or focus on things that aren't important. I really need to make an effort to remember to come back to self-care. Jan, you can write about it in that book of yours!

You both have helped me realize again what is important, and the "bigger" picture again. I get caught up in worrying about stupid things all the time, and I need to remember who I am, and that we are all in this together, connected. Wow, some of the discoveries they are coming up with... it's all linked... EVERYTHING!

Ren, Zorro, and Nemo's Mom

Heee heeeee you will laugh because I have been watching these all day off and on. There are so many I want to listen to!!! I did watch Dannion Brinkley's- that was really interesting, he had some things that really stuck in my head. I can't believe he was dead for like 26 minutes or something. The things he is saying connect back into a lot of what the other interviews are saying- he was saying a lot of the same things Hazel does. I LOVED Hazel Courteney's interview- that is some powerful stuff! Wow would not even begin to explain it. I think I am going to have to watch that one again. And I definitely want to read her book. I mean, the experiences she has gone through are amazing! And watching hers now leads me into Gary Schwartz.... I look forward to hearing his, and his experiences with Allison. I had no idea about that!

I also want to watch the one on string theory...haven't got to that one yet!

HUGS
Ren, Zorro, and Nemo's Mom

Hey, Jan,

So yes, speaking of self-care....you'd said "I was busy nurturing x-h's so-called "leadership qualities" even though really these are qualities I want to bring out in myself. But not wanting to go down the road of ego with it if you know what I mean." You know, it's almost like 'magic' how, once you take yourself seriously enough and put yourself FIRST, (at least wherever you can and w/i reason) things and people around you can start to change - just more of the LOA in proper action, of course! And as for ego being a part of it, Cheryl Richardson (who's teaching the course I'm taking) makes no bones about how we have to get right over this idea that taking proper care of oneself is a selfish act on our part. It's not. It's just good sense, because as we all should know, if you don't take care of your own needs, too, you end up being no good to anyone else, either, even those you want to help the most. Plus, of course, we lose others respect when we put ourselves last, or near the bottom of the list. How can anyone else take us & our care seriously if even WE don't take those things seriously?

So maybe that's yet another way you could look at your whole situation - you've now been given the time to concentrate on YOU, and YOUR needs, for the betterment of All (including yourself, of course!) in the 'end'.

As for the ex's "bridge" and all that extra nonsense....since I don't really know what that looks like or how it fits into your place, it's hard for me to speculate, but is there any way you could just have it ripped out for far less money than what it might cost you otherwise?

Tonight, a group of us are off to see a new viewing of Gregg Braden's "The Science Of Miracles - The Quantum Language of Healing, Peace, Feeling and Belief." I'm really looking forward to it, esp. after just re-listening to his spot on that website, where he touched on "The God Code", where it's been discovered that our DNA is actually carrying an imprinted message that says: God/Eternal within the body. !!!!!!!! There are another couple of interviews with him on this here.

Hope you're doing a bit better YET lately.

Hi F's Mom - oh, oh, I wanna watch them now. I have really been busy, trying to sort out "finances", a humungous complicated job, and very emotional!! And also, I am starting a hypnotherapy course and other stuff. I started a meditation type circle that meets once a week, then I go to pottery (making pots is very therapeutic) and then there's another two spiritual type groups that I'm involved with. Then all the financial crap, plus it's time to do business taxes. Also it snowed a huge pile again. I almost cried because my dad had literally spent 9 days over here shovelling for me and the driveway was inaccessible again. This also prevents me from getting an assessment of the house and also getting rid of x-h's stuff. Anyway, I tried to hire a plow and they wouldn't call me back because the last time they gave up after damaging some equipment because the turn on my driveway is apparently two sharp... So I managed to hire someone with a snowblower. At least I can get my car back and forth, but there is still no garage access! Oh how I want to get things over with...

Then there is another issue, which breaks my heart. I have to give up Ellie when x-h returns from England (the trip he booked on my dime) on March 17th. She has another month and a week or so with me. She has Chronic Degenerative Radiculomyelopathy which is a typical old German Shepherd problem. By the time x-h returns, I don't know if she'll be able to do stairs anymore. She is doing them now but struggling. She is still happy, playing ball and telling Asha off in her normal "mama dog" way. But she drinks a lot of water, has urinary incontinence, and I can soon see a day that I won't be able to physically manage her with the stairs. Already she is spending a lot of time alone, because my office is downstairs and she doesn't like to do stairs that much if she doesn't have to. I keep telling her that I love her very much and that she has to go back to x-h, but that my heart will always be with her and as soon as she passes to spirit, she can come back with me anytime... Poor old Ellie, she was never taught any manners before I met her. She didn't even know how to sit for a treat. She is a pushy girl, never having learned real boundaries when she was a lot younger. But she is 12 years old and that's pretty old for a German Shepherd. I just can't keep her because it's hard enough to find a dog sitter for the other 3 and Zeus, but she is very protective of the house and it's hard for someone else to look after her. I just can't be bound here forever and I know that I won't be able to physically manage her on the stairs in the not too far future. x-h actually emailed to say he missed her and wanted to visit her and could we discuss this in person. The physical presence of x-h makes me feel physically ill , and I have no plans to see him. If I really had to (can't imagine why), I'd have someone with me. I told him I would have her delivered to him before England if he wanted her sooner but that I only want to say goodbye once, and that she would then be his responsibility. So he decided after England would be okay. I am not going to let him manipulate me anymore - he had 3 years of doing that, enough's enough.

But poor Ellie. I just keep telling her to know in her heart I love her. I almost can feel her soul giving up. I think she thought they would return after awhile. She also lost Rosie, x-h and sd all at the same time, and she really doesn't understand why. She did have a bond with Rosie, and suddenly Rosie was gone...

I am seeing a medium (a very good one) tomorrow (Sat), and I'm crossing my fingers that Zita or Ziggy come through! Send your hopeful thoughts that way, and healing thoughts to Ellie.

Jan

Yes, I guess everyone just wants to see an end to these ties with x-h, but there is nothing I can do about the snow that's impeding certain things from going forward (the assessment of the house, getting rid of his stuff).



You know it's happened even before Ziggy died that I saw Zita, but it never happens when I "expect" it. But I've had vivid dreams during this "journey" too, and the last one I remember had my old Merlin in it again. He is Mr. Faithful, so often in my dreams. Maybe Zita and Ziggy have other things they are busy doing...



I haven't watched them yet, but I read some of Dannion Brinkley's books - he is a fascinating man. I really want to see them, but it will have to wait a couple of days....

>You both have helped me realize again what is important, and the "bigger" picture again. I get caught up in worrying >about stupid things all the time, and I need to remember who I am, and that we are all in this together, connected. Wow, >some of the discoveries they are coming up with... it's all linked... EVERYTHING!

Yes, so, so true! Even things that I really fretted about before (like would I find an appropriate mate?!!) I just feel kinda indifferent about it right now. Like who really knows what's around the corner........ And really, do I want a mate at "any" cost? After what I've been through, I'd far rather be alone with my pets. At least they are faithful and committed, and emotionally honest. And they really love me! A friend of mine said that lots of men are out of touch on a soul level. I said if that's turns out to be the case then I don't want one!

It's been interesting too, the number of people - some who I didn't even know before x-h leaving - who have approached me out of the blue saying they saw x-h talking and acting very disrepectful and undermining toward me... the term "narcissistic" has been used more than a few times, and someone said the minute she met him she felt a black wall of energy in front of him. I don't know how I missed it. I just never knew he was building up some sort of hatefulness inside him all that time... I don't have that in me and it's hard to imagine what you don't have inside someone else... but I am learning! I just keep thinking "Fool me once. Shame on you. Fool me twice. Shame on me." I don't buy his stories anymore - he is an expert manipulator.

take care all and Happy Valentine's to everyone who loves furbabies!! You are all the best! And so are the furbabies...

Jan.

Yes, did I tell you how one friend told me that "NICE" is a four letter word? That was excellent advice because I was about to be used as a doormat for x-h by being "nice" and allowing him to rifle through our stuff while having sd parade in front of him to "ward me off". Ick!! It made me feel physically nauseous the times they did that before xmas. I do want to get rid of his stuff but what he was doing, as far as I'm concerned was abuse. Being "nice" to abuse is just saying you don't respect yourself.

I decided finally that I am worth protecting even if x-h doesn't think so. I can finally *trust* myself to protect myself. That is really big, because obviously I wasn't protecting myself from his antics while we were together. I was all about protecting him, not me. If that is being "NICE" then I'd rather be a b*tch.




Well, it's a huge structure, it cost over $8,000 and it also is the only access to the front door. I don't know what I'll have to do so I'm just waiting to hear...



Well, lots going on in my head and heart. Especially it being Valentine's day and all. But I have most of the day booked, and that is a good thing. Let us know what the viewing was like!!

take care

Jan.

Sometimes, even in little endoscopic proceedures, tiny bits of plaque are dislodged. In open-heart surgery, a surgeon once told me, "It's a little secret that the person who comes out in not exactly the person who went in. It can be little trivial things, like forgetting they had chocolate cake on their fifth birthday, or a more noticable change in personality."

Mini-strokes.

I hate to say it, but it actually improved my MIL's disposition.

Just thinking....

Well, Jan, maybe this will help you feel a little bit better -- I'm actually envious of all the activities you've been doing for yourself! They're all a great part of showing yourself love and taking care of getting what you need &/or want, so I think you're doing REALLY well on that front! That even includes making yourself slog through all the financial stuff. Meanwhile, I'm getting virtually nowhere on too many of my own "must-do"s and am feeling more than overwhelmed. So give yourself a HUGE pat on the back. You MORE than deserve it!!

Interesting tidbit, Jon, about the heart thing....not that I'm really surprised, either. Science has discovered that the heart is actually the largest emitter of electromagnetic waves in the body, and it has a field that extends a few feet beyond the body, so it's probably more than possible that 'mucking around' with its structure could disrupt things on whatever levels. The heart's field was also mentioned in the show we saw last night, as it's the seat of manifestation in the physical world.

Using that as a segue, the mini-movie was very interesting....except that it was mainly a rehashing of a bunch of Braden's discoveries to date, so there wasn't much that I hadn't already either watched or read about. However, they showed the actual, filmed procedure of a heart-based physical healing that he'd mentioned in one of his books, so I finally got to SEE it for myself. A woman in China, with an inoperable tumor on her bladder, went to a "non-medical hospital" there to try and be healed. She first was directed to do some proactive lifestyle things for herself, plus received some other energy-type work. Then a team of 3 healers worked beside her (not touching her), while an ultrasound tech. sat beside them, showing in REAL TIME, the effects of what they were doing. Essentially, the healers chanted one word they'd agreed upon using together (as a sort of focusing technique), but the main objective was to use their previous training in 'concentrating' the feelings in their hearts that reflected their beliefs that this woman was ALREADY healed, and the proof would be recorded via the ultrasound. So, in recorded real-time, w/i only about 3 mins (!!!!), you could see her tumor shrinking until suddenly, it was completely GONE. (and naturally, after witnessing this, I suffered in thinking about my own gal and guy, thinking the usual.....if I'd only known about and had been capable/trained in trying that for THEM......people had to remind me later that no method would change a soul's path, though, so if their path says they're going, they're going)

This is the real future of healing, and Braden's whole presentation was centered on the science behind why and how this is so. It also showed how a person's DNA strands have, in controlled experiments (some done by the military, too), shown immediate changes that matched a person's FEELINGS even if that person was hundreds of miles away. And these experiments all showed, in essence, that there IS an underlying 'web', now often called The Field, around absolutely everything in the universe, and that (the most important point) it is the feelings that we produce in our heart-center that drive everything we see and experience in the world around us. Distance makes no difference to what is manifested, either, as it's all manifested throughout the entire universe, everywhere and all at once. His thrust is using this knowledge for world peace and individual and global healing, of course.

Today, at 7:25 GMT (this was 12:25am Mountain Time here) also saw the ushering in of The Age of Aquarius (if anyone old enough here remembers The 5th Dimension's famous and portentous song - yes, I'm ****** myself! ), with the moon in the 7th house, Jupiter and Mars lining up and all those details exactly in place as sung about - if anyone's not familiar, Google the song to read all the words. So at 12:25am, I lay in bed with my new "Holy Harmony" CD playing, and tried my best to align my HEART feelings to seeing the world as already healed. Now I'm wondering if Princeton's Global Consciousness Project recorded any correlating data at that time? There was a moment when my heart felt like it was crying in total JOY, so I'm hoping....

So I'm not even thinking of this as Valentine's Day in the classic sense, Jan, but rather in the planetary and universal sense - more like just HEART Day! The more of us who start to "entrain" ourselves to this newer consciousness, the more we'll be able to access those other dimensions/realms with greater and greater ease. And just as you've been catching more glimpses of Zita &/or Ziggy, while I haven't been as blessed that way, Sabin has been making his NAME more visible to me AND to a friend of mine in the last few weeks (detailed in my recent thread for Sabin/Boo-Boo). And so let the 'magic' begin/continue!

As for poor Ellie.....oh, crap, my heart is just breaking for her, and I'm thoroughly disgusted with your ex regarding her situation. But I completely understand where you're coming from regarding her care and how you can't handle all that, too, on top of everything else you have to do. I, too, would be considering that, despite the ex's lack of concern and connection, would she prefer anyway to be with those she started out with? Is there maybe something she has yet to try and teach them both? (they sure could USE some growth that way!) Of course he agreed that after his almost-free trip, he'd take her then. Wasn't about to give his trip up for anyone, was he? Ugh....I just don't know. I'd be as torn as you, is all I can say. Is there an ACer or someone you might be able to use to check in with Ellie about what's up with her, what she really wants, or anything along those lines?

And hey, realizing all the trouble relationships can harbour and how many males are cut off from things, even my own H is always asking me and other women, "Why do you women even WANT a man?! You'd all be better off with each other as partners!"

Btw, this is the original source of the info. I'd received regarding the dawning of the Age of Aquarius:


In mid February a rare astrological concentration brings together a number of planets together with the North Node - denoting higher purpose - in Aquarius that energizes and inspires the possibility for transcendental breakthrough in some perhaps seemingly intransigent situations.

We measure our global sense of both space (latitude and longitude) and time (universal time - UT or GMT) from the prime meridian located at Greenwich, England. So we can perceive the collective influence of this momentous astrological event by looking at the alignment from this globally ‘centered’ perspective.

When we do something extraordinary and exquisite emerges.

At dawn on 14th February the day dedicated to St Valentine, the patron saint of Love, the Moon in Libra enters the seventh house of relationships. And Jupiter and Mars are aligned in Aquarius in the twelfth house of spiritual transformation.

Forty years ago, the intuitive words of a song called Aquarius, brought the dawning of the new age into our collective awareness:


When the Moon is in the seventh house

and Jupiter aligns with Mars.

Then love will rule the planets

and peace will steer the stars [my note: she's got the words a bit mixed up here -- supposed to be "Then peace will guide the planets, and love will steer the stars."]


At dawn on 14th February the Cosmos actually embodies this perfect alignment to support our collective manifestation of love and peace and dawning of the Age of Aquarius.

The Aquarian chart of 14th February reveals an incredible concentration of cosmic influences blending with the energies of Aquarius in the twelfth house. Expansive Jupiter and energetic Mars are aligned with the higher purpose of the North Node. The presence of Chiron the wounded healer offers us the opportunity to heal the schisms that have separated us for so long. Neptune emphasizes collective humanitarian movements and the co-creation of social justice. And the presence of the radiant Sun enlightens the entire alignment.

Mercury also in the twelfth house but just beyond the cusp in Capricorn, allies with transformational Pluto to communicate and anchor the Shift throughout our global structures and institutions.

The Moon in Libra in the seventh house emphasizes harmonious real –ationships.

Venus in Aries in the first house energizes and empowers dynamic co-creativity.

And whilst Saturn the great task master in opposition to Uranus the unexpected awakener is suggesting an ongoing confrontation as the dregs of the unsustainable old paradigm reluctantly give way to the untested hope of the new, their placements in Virgo and Pisces brings practical altruism and visionary inspiration to the transition.

At 7.25am on 14th February – and for the 18 minutes of the alignment, I invite you, in the universal heart, to add your own intention for love and peace and to co-create the dawning of the Age of Aquarius to that of the Cosmos. In whatever way feels appropriate for you, you may choose to align with7.25am (UT) or 7.25am local time energizing a wave of intention that will surge around the Earth.

Please feel free to circulate the Aquarian chart and its cosmic invitation to birth the Age of Aquarius.


With love, joy and gratitude in the universal heart,

Jude

Jude Currivan PhD

Wow. Are you serious?

I do wonder.... he even said at our one and only counselling session (the one where everything turned out to be my fault) that things changed after that operation... somebody asked me if he was on drugs when they found out how he bolted out of here (you could see almost see the smoke coming out his ... well you know.) I don't know but his thinking isn't exactly what I would call "normal", or healthy...

I still think that maybe aliens used him as a test project and somebody took over his body at some point.

I wonder if some of the drugs he was taking for this operation might have altered some things... but no that gives him too much of an excuse... In some ways, I actually feel sad for him. I can see him being the cause of his own demise. Despite that, no way do I ever want him back! I'd rather be alone than be with someone capable of treating me like that.

I had an epiphany yesterday that people like him and sd who cause pain, are simply unaware... If they were "aware" they wouldn't do it; it ripples out and eventually back on them....

thanks for your thoughts!

Jan.

Oh F's Mom... that's so caring of you... you have such a big heart, always empathetic... thanks a bunch.

But don't think I have not been overwhelmed also! I was just saying to someone that today was the first day that I actually felt happy since before December...

I had an awesome reading with that medium... she was so encouraging - gave very specific evidence from passed loved ones - names, specific cir%%stances, stuff there is no way she could have known. She also said, among other things, that I would be doing spiritual type things for animals. I am doing a talk in May about that, so I think she's right.

One of the things she said early in the reading... "There's been some upset. There is ego involved." Oh yeah... She hit so many nails on the head about what was specifically going on, I was practically bawling from minutes after the appointment started. The main thing is she said that x-h would have held me back and that I have bigger spiritual things to do...

Oh, and this is cute, she saw a man, with connections to Greece. hehe. Then she talked about the "other" husband, x-h. Haha, so maybe I'll end up married to some Greek "god" in the end. snicker snicker. I can't stop smiling about that one. Because I've already decided that if men are like "that" then I don't want one. So this guy would have to be pretty good. I don't even care if it comes true because it's making me smile.



Weird. I googled "stent operation" and "personality change" and there does seem to be a correlation. I know that x-h was rather depressed right after the operation. It didn't help that construction was going on in the house all around him while he was recovering. I do wonder if those drugs he was on did some mind altering stuff... but I also have to say that I've had an unusually large number of people, some I didn't even know, tell me that they saw him acting in demeaning and unappreciative ways to me for a long time, and that he was pretty disconnected to me. When I hear what they say, I too can recall many times in public when he did not "honour" me. But it's a bit like cooking a frog with a very slow temperature change. It keeps getting more dangerous, but it happens so subtly that you don't notice...



Wow - that is really amazing... I want to learn THAT! The things you said about distance making no difference kinda fit with the quantum physics ideas too.


>So at 12:25am, I lay in bed with my new "Holy Harmony" CD playing, and tried my best to align my HEART feelings to >seeing the world as already healed. Now I'm wondering if Princeton's >Global Consciousness Project recorded any correlating data at that time? There was a moment when my heart >felt like it was crying in total JOY, so I'm hoping....

Neat - I'd heard about this and TOTALLY forgot about it.

I'll go and read your thread soon. I was busy today again, watching this medium do a talk and demonstration. But the reading yesterday inspired me this afternoon to get x-h's stuff gathered in one place in preparation for the mover. I can't wait to get rid of this stuff. There is still more to do, and still some snow in the way, but it's getting closer.


>I'd be as torn as you, is all I can say. Is there an ACer or someone you might be able to use to check in with Ellie about >what's up with her, what she really wants, or anything along those lines?

To be perfectly honest, maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think she'll be long in this world. I could be wrong, but she's slowed down a lot since x-h left. She was still checking sd's room up until recently. She loves me and is very bonded but I think she is very disappointed in them. This is why I also think it's important for her to spend her end days there. She may feel I abandoned her while she's hear on earth, but I wonder too if the blue-print of her soul knows that she is there for their lessons also... I will just love her to bits while I can.

>And hey, realizing all the trouble relationships can harbour and how many males are cut off from things, even my own H >is always asking me and other women, "Why do you women even WANT a man?! You'd all be better off with each other >as partners!"

Or even better, just with our loyal and loving furbabies! Who ever heard of one of them"walking out" saying they had no feelings for us anymore.... They appreciate us, and they don't care what we wear, how we look, and I've never seen one with a pumped up ego... I am so lucky for THEM, because they have kept me alive these last months, despite my grief over those in spirit.

And by the way, I kind of think it was Ziggy I "saw" from the corner of my eye. I don't know why, just a feeling. But it could have been Zita. It's nice to know they come around.

Jan.

That's SO good about your reading. I don't suppose any furbabies came through, too, did they? (just asking cuz I know many human-oriented mediums don't often pick up on animals) When you're not so overwhelmed & busy with all this work, I'd be interested in getting more details on this medium, in a PM if you'd rather, if she does readings by phone. (am also assuming she's in Canada) About the man w/connections to Greece, that's especially good that you're not attached to any particular 'outcome' or happening with that possibility, as that will keep that channel more open. For all you know, this may be something more along the lines of a work partner or something. I'm also gratified to hear that she echoed what I'm sure some of us have felt all along, that "....x-h would have held me back and that I have bigger spiritual things to do..."

Speaking of which, your sense that " it happens so subtly that you don't notice..." is something I've heard (and experienced myself) from other women many times before. When you look back afterward, it almost seems insane that on the whole, you allowed it all to happen, unchecked, but you can also see more easily (once you're out of it) how you might have gradually "gotten used to" or become less aware of these incremental and insidiously destructive things. And that can become yet another way of forgiving yourself for being duped, as well as a way to recognize your possible patterns of being somewhat willing to be duped by people. It's all fodder for thought and change, anyway. And not wanting him back, regardless of what may have caused his behaviour, is perfectly fine. After you've been so betrayed, that would be sheer folly. And btw, I was just listening to more talks this week that mentioned how HIGH "betrayal" (BIG ones) has come up for so many of us in the last while during The Shift....so again, you're certainly not alone in that! It seems MANY of us have things to learn from and let go of with this recurring theme.

Re: the heart-based healing thingy, one method that might be similar (not positive cuz I haven't signed up for it to check it out more thoroughly) is something called Global Coherence, that Gregg Braden is promoting. I know it uses Heart Coherence as its core and if you join, you get some kind of lessons in it online, plus ways of measuring it in yourself, somehow. It sounded really intriguing to me, but I just haven't had time to try it out.

Seeing that you're already pretty 'connected' to your intuition and stuff, I'm sure whatever you do for Ellie will be heart-centered and therefore the best thing(s) for her on her own journey. It's very hard when we want to "solve" everything for those we love dearly, but as always, we can only do our best and leave the rest up to Source. That's one of the single most difficult things I struggle with as well, especially in my healing 'play' (as do many "Lightworkers"). I recently worked with a good friend's cat, just once, right before she transitioned the very next day, and I had to recognize and accept that at the least, my 'play' with her seemed to have allowed her to cross with great ease and peace (according to what I'd been told about it), and THAT was the gift I'd been able to facilitate for her, rather than 'saving' her physical life. And so it became an honour to have been given this opportunity to serve, despite how it LOOKS to us in this (limited-seeming) plane.

No - I did ask about Zita and Ziggy. But there were people in spirit I thought may come through who didn't either. However she did say this... that she had a visit to the spirit world in a dream, and she was told in the dream that she would be given proof this was real. They said that a cat with no eyes would be coming there soon. She described it as a beautiful place with people who loved animals in life who continue to help animals in spirit, until their owners return with them. Warning - this part is pretty bad, but with a happy ending.

The next day on the news she heard that a cat had its eyes burned out by its sadistic owner. But she knew very deeply that this cat was in this beautiful, beautiful place, and that they'd been expecting the cat.



I will pass on her details in an email tomorrow. And as for the greek, well I prefer the greek god idea. It keeps me smiling. Except that I talked to someone today who was married to a Greek guy. She said that in the beginning she thought he was a Greek god, then after many years she realized he was just a god d*m Greek! haha. I'll put the Greek god picture on my vision board. hehehe. I don't know why that makes me smile so much!

I think there are big shifts universally. I can't say I know why, but it does seem true to me.

I'll check out links when I get some time to do that... I'm going out of town for the day Weds and so lots is piling up.



Yes, "surviving" isn't always the "best" thing to happen. As this medium, Georgia said, this life is more of an illusion than the spirit world, because this is temporary, whereas our souls go on forever... I've even been able to look at this whole situation with x-h and see where it fits in my development. His learning is up to him.

Yes, I'll just love Ellie to bits while I can. She is a very quiet dog most of the time and really doesn't expect much. I just hope Ellie knows that on a soul level I don't wish to "abandon" her. I love her very much.

talk later.

Jan.

This underlying "web" around everything in the universe, then connects us all together. It would go back to the "membrane" they call that connects our universe (from quantum physics), and the 11th dimension that surrounds us at all times. So, in fact, we are just in the infancy of starting to "tap" into these other resources we have. Perhaps some of the discoveries and finds will be what takes us from a Class 0 society (as quantum physicist Michio Kaku refers to us now) to the Class 1 society, which we are in the process of becoming. As we become Class 2 and Class 3 society, imagine the kind of advancements and knowledge we will have. Michio was saying we would be able to harness the energy/power of a black hole, and perhaps be able to bend time and space.

Just more evidence we are all connected, in ways we can't even begin to imagine yet! How exciting!

Ren, Zorro, and Nemo's Mom

You'd probably also enjoy "The Field" by Lynn McTaggart, and her "The Intention Experiment" too. I'm in the midst of reading the former (wild and exciting do%%entation!) and will be getting the latter soon as well. I also took part in her most recent The Peace Intention Experiment, online.

Haven't heard Michio's talk yet, but I know he's another one 'up there' in recent advances - have seen his name everywhere, including on YouTube videos.

I really liked that part the medium told you about the animals and being in a beautiful place until we are reunited with them. And it was so sad about the cat that lost its eyes (seriously, how does that person sleep at night that did that? It's beyond me how someone could do that), but it was good that the cat had a happy ending. Now at least the cat will be with people that love and cherish animals.

And what an interesting thing Georgia said about out souls going on forever, and how this is temporary. Yes, we do choose to either learn or not learn as much as we can in our lifetimes. And either become the best person we can or not. For me, I think it's all about learning and connecting with everything. The more we learn, the more we advance and become closer to our potential of what society really can achieve and think.

As for Ellie... yes, just give her hugs and kisses, she knows she is loved. And I do think x-h and sd will love her. She can re-connect with them before she goes to the other side.

And about the Greek... that will be interesting to see if that plays out! And I do think X-h would have held you back from the bigger and better and learning journey you are on. Just like my ex would have! It totally makes sense! Both of our ex's are still in their "infancy" of self-discovery and bigger awakenings, which is somewhat sad, but that is up to them. As for us, Quote, "We took the road less traveled on.. and that has made all the difference" by Robert Frost

“The greatest undiscovered resources in the world lie under our hats and stand in our shoes.” -Kenneth Hildebran

HUGS!!
Ren, Zorro, and Nemo's Mom

Hi Nemo's mom

I've been sick with some kind of laryngitis throat thingy!



Yes, it's comforting that she got this message before the cat was killed, letting her and others know that this beautiful place is where the cat would be. It's so easy for me to replay the moments about Ziggy dying and instead I need to remember the dream I had where she was bright vivid orange and shiny. I just miss her, and I still miss Zita. I found a pic of Zita the other day and I still think Zeus gets lonely for her. They were such special, special kitty cats, and still are. But I know where they are they are far safer than they would ever be here and probably feeling much more joy than we feel here as well. I look forward to our reunion one day.



Yes, it's also comforting for me to know that x-h will keep repeating the "lessons" until he one day sees the light. He is just unaware or he could never want to cause so much hurt.




They had her for 12 years, so you'd think there would be some connection. I think there is, I just think x-h doesn't love the same way I do, it's more of a surface "convenient" love. It will be hard for Ellie, she won't understand, but for many years in her life she was with x-h and sd in different places, so it will just be one last adjustment. I will tell her soul often how much I love her, and pray that I will be heard....

>And about the Greek... that will be interesting to see if that plays out! And I do think X-h would have held you back from >the bigger and better and learning journey you are on. Just like my ex would have! It totally makes sense! Both of our >ex's are still in their "infancy" of self-discovery and bigger awakenings, which is somewhat sad, but that is up to them. > As for us, Quote, "We took the road less traveled on.. and that has made all the difference" by >Robert Frost

Yes, absolutely. I think that both you and I, knowing what we know NOW, know that these ex's needed to leave our lives because they were not on the same journey. It's funny but someone I respect a lot who hadn't said much about x-h told me she thought he was threatened by my spiritual growth and that I was growing much more rapidly than he. I didn't see this, but maybe it's true. Whatever the reason I know that ego played a big part. But this is his to deal with now, and I just need to get through the separation agreement.

Hugs back to you Nemo's mom!

Thanks for bein' there!!!

Jan.

I don't know if anybody's still around following this thread, but...

I had to give Ellie up today. I packed her stuff, typed out instructions and this morning I helped load her into a friend's van. I feel so sad. Divorce is really devastating to all involved including the pets. The losses over the last couple of years for me have really tested me to the max. In 2006 I lost my old Merlin, then Tiffany was killed, then in 2007 Zita went missing and never returned. In 2008 Ziggy was shot, then Rosie euthanized. Now Ellie is going back to x-h.

I am just so sad.

Jan.

I am so sorry for this having to happen, I remember you talking about it, this is the day and I suspect that Ellie is just as sad as you. Hugs Jan. May it get better, much much better. Hugs again.

Thank you Toonie.

I keep telling her soul that I love her and that she can come back to me any time in spirit. But that now she needs to be with x-h and sd. I hope she'll be okay. Even x-h admitted she was more bonded to me than him. But it's just impractical for me at this time. She has lost a lot of mobility and she can do stairs now, but not easily. Because she is dog aggressive it was really tough to find anyone to look after the pack if I want to go anywhere. Now at least I have some options. I have to keep remembering what I did offer her - 3 and a half very good years with a lot of freedom. And when she passes to spirit we will meet again.

thanks again.

Jan.

My heart is breaking right along with you, Jan...for all the pain, all the losses, and another heart-rending "good-bye." I, too, hope they look after her needs well, but don't forget, no matter what -- everyone, even our faithful friends, has their own soul path to travel and you'll always be a part of her spirit family, as she will be part of yours.

Yes Jan........I'm still with you. Lord knows you've had more than your share of testing. BUT, from reading your postings....I can see that you've chosen to take a higher road that indeed will lead you to greater spiritual places. It's what we chose to do with whatever is thrown our way that really matters. We can let it destroy us physically, emotionally, and spiritually or we can look deep within ourselves and accept the challenge to become better enlightened humanbeings.

I'm so sorry you had to give Ellie back to your X. Your sadness is more than understandable. There is a woman in my neighborhood who I saw out in her driveway one day and she was crying. That was about 3 months ago or so. I stopped to see if there was something I could do to help. She broke down in my arms crying and I stayed with her for a long time. Her husband had left her with no explanation except that he said he didn't love her anymore. Just before he left, he made alot of very expensive improvements on their home. The more she talked, the more I thought of you and how similar your stories are. I told her about you and what an exceptionally strong woman you are. You've grown so much. Through your story I was able to pass on some hope that she too will overcome the obstacles that have brought her so much sadness. She and I have become great friends over these months and our friendship grows stronger everyday.

You have been such an inspiration to me and others. You have survived and triumphed over the unthinkable. I hope your bright light shines around LS for a long time to come.

Hugs of love and comfort to you Jan,
Beth

Jan-------I am so sorry.......your weariness must be overwhelming..........God be with you.........
Bubba........

Hi F's Mom

Thank you for reminding me that Ellie has her soul path too. I do feel the light went out from her eyes since x-h left, even though she was very bonded to me. I think she knew something dramatically had changed forever. When she lay next to the bed one day I asked her what she was thinking and I "heard" in my mind the words: "I was supposed to protect sd". I hope I heard right and that she now is able to do what her soul was meant to do. She did used to sleep in sd's room when I first met them, then later slept near the staircases and places where she could guard all of us.

Now she can guard sd again.

Thanks for caring.

Jan.

Wow, Beth. What kind words - I do have such good friends here at LS!

And I agree about letting it destroy us or accepting the challenged to become enlightened. I've definitely accepted the challenge, full board. It's been rough, but it's proven to me that I can be very strong also.

That's amazing your neighbour is going through something similar - why do these guys feel the need to spend a fortune on renovations, just before bolting... that I don't get. And Beth, you are so kind to be there for that woman - she will appreciate your support beyond words she may be able to express. I get teary, just thinking of those pillars of strength who have been there for me, telling me how well I'm doing, or about gifts they believe I have. Those words mean everything to a person in these situations. They can make the difference between destruction and transformation.

This evening I was cochairing a meeting - the only meeting - that I attend where "guess who" always shows up. Someone told me I should just stop going to those meetings. But you can tell your friend that I decided I would make sure I did go. In the beginning I started to stand up and make just one announcement, and now I'm chairing some of the meetings. I almost thought that would be impossible with him sitting there. But I just make him invisible and open my heart to the people there who care about me in a genuine way. So maybe that is something to pass on to your friend. I heard that he told someone he hoped I wouldn't be forever wallowing in my sadness. But ironically I've done the total opposite - I've pushed myself harder to face any fears. And funny enough, my fears of things like public speaking seem so trivial compared to other issues I've had to recently face, while he hasn't even begun to look at whatever it is he fears. It almost seems like life is kind of a big game, so why not just live fully and see where it goes.... I sometimes even wonder if in the end I will look back and see that x-h did me a huge favour. I do hope some day he will find his heart though... like the tin man. For his own sake, not mine.

Thanks Beth - you brightened my evening!

Jan.

Hi Bubba

It's so nice to hear from you. Thanks for your wishes, and I do feel a deep closeness to God right now. These transitions are just so sad, but that's what divorce creates....

take care you too.

Jan.

Hi Jan!!!!

I have been wondering how you were. Sounds look you are doing really good! And I think you are right about Ellie's soul path- she is needing to protect sd now, and has had a wonderful journey with you, and knows you love her so much. And you will meet again.

I think in the end you will look back and think that x-h did you a huge favor. It's so funny, my ex had told me that long ago when we first broke up, and low and behold... yes, I totally think he did do me a favor! I have grown so much and had so much self-discovery since then. And you are too! Just look at you go! Wow! I'm proud of you for continuing to go to those meetings, and not backing down. This is your life and you can go and be where-ever you want to! I'm glad you just think of him as invisible! I'm sure he sees your strength, and is probably somewhat envious of it, even if he will never, ever, ever admit it. I bet his ego is hurt just a bit too, realizing you are going on and not missing a beat. Bigger and better things! Just living life so that you experience all the wonderful things it has to offer. Let the joy and all the opportunities flow in and be open to you!

Happy Friday to you!
~NM

Hi NM! Nice to hear from you. I think you are right that we will meet again. I also told her if she could come back as a little dog, it would be much easier for me as she got older. It was at least reassuring to hear that she wagged her tail when she saw x-h and sd and that she had settled in by the time the friend who dropped her off left. I hope she does understand on some level. I keep justifying things to myself because in the end it's an awful thing to let any dog go under any circumstances and I never dreamed I would have to do this. But I also know that I can't take the weight of the entire world and it's my job to take care of my own furkids in the best way I can as well as take care of me! That for once is a priority in my life.



I think when they say these things they think we are fragile little dolls that will break and it gives them some sort of power. When I told x-h earlier on that I wasn't feeling secure in the relationship, he said I needed to find security within myself, kinda similar to your x-guys "words of wisdom". But they actually need to learn this stuff themselves - walk the walk, not just talk the talk. I actually think x-h enjoyed the fact that I had no 4 wheel drive and no winter tires and that I was stranded in the snow. I think he enjoyed the idea that I was suffering here.... But this has been my theme song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB7pQpNx-F4

Fighter

After all you put me through
You'd think I'd despise you
But in the end I wanna thank you
'Cause you made me that much stronger

Well I, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
Guess I, I couldn't trust
Called your bluff, time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmm

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you, cause it...

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Oh, ohh

Never, saw it coming
All of, your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard, you're going around
Playing, the victim now
But don't, even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave

After all of the fights and the lies cause you're wanted to haunt me
But that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust, so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
You won't stop me

I am a fighter and I
I ain't goin' stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Thought I would forget
But I, I remember
I'll remember, I'll remember

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter





Thanks so much! Yes I think he believed I would just shrink away and die because he erased me from his life... but guess what - it's made me grow, at a very fast and intense rate. And it's made me realize that I have friends, like you, and all of you here that are able to put ego aside to share and care for someone who is in need! You are all so special and I really am so grateful you are willing to share your authentic, loving and sometimes vulnerable selves.

I am so, so grateful.

Thank you

Jan.

Sometimes we feel like that dark cloud over us will never go away. I always try to believe things in our lives happen for a reason. Sometimes we figure it out and sometimes we don't. Sadness has followed you around too long. Happiness will move in soon, it's inevitable. Your in our thoughts and prayes here daily. .by the way, I caught your post to Dottie. Your receiving some wonderful "signs". Could it be the possible start of new happiness? I think so..Hugs..Ann

Thank you Ann.

I think there are signs around me telling me that my passed loved ones, fur friends included, are close and support me in these challenging times and that a bright future is around the corner.

I had an amazing, amazing dream... I will tell you about it.

I was at the ocean and some people I knew were on the beach. I looked up into the sky and I saw exotic red marlins (you know those swordfish type sea creatures) flying through the sky. I was amazed and enthralled. I asked the people I knew if they had seen them. They said no, but a lady I had never met came to me and said she saw them too.

Then I continued looking up and saw dolphins flying through the sky... it was spectacular. I wish I could project the images because it was simply awe-inspiring.

Then after the dolphins flew by, there were walruses in the sky. There were so many of them that they completely filled the entire sky and all I could see anywhere were these brown bodies. They were diving into the ocean and as they dove they were brushing against me. It was overwhelming and beautiful and maybe even a little frightening, but the very moment I felt overwhelmed they all subsided into the ocean.

I don't know what this dream means, but I believe it is about transformation to new and wonderful things. Dolphins represent love and spirituality to me. I looked up the meaning of walruses in a dream dictionary and it spoke of strength and having a "thick skin". I think this is a sign that I am surrounded by protection.

I have had so many vivid dreams lately, it's just amazing. So there is something going on and something deeper that is very connected to my soul. I love dreams and these ones have been awe-inspiring, and no I wasn't eating or drinking (or smoking) anything "weird" before I went to bed!! Honest!!

thanks for thinking of me Ann.

I hope you are doing okay?

Jan.

Hi Jan yes dreams do hold significant meanings. Keep a log of them and there meanings and I bet you'll find it to be like putting peices of puzzel together. Very cool!..I just noticed something and appologize for not picking up on this sooner. I love your avatar so much. I think it's so precious, but I just noticed the little pillow in the background, that of an angel. They truely are and you've got one on each of your shoulders to guide you though it all..Ann

Hi Ann - dreams do tell us a lot and I do keep a dream diary. I had some disturbing ones last night about x-h, and I feel quite distraught today, and very teary about so many losses in my life. Sometimes it just hits me and I feel like weeping endlessly, though I know I'll pick up and go on. Sometimes I feel like my whole life has been surreal the past couple of years. I just can't quite grasp all that's happened. So I just let the tears flow today. At least my dogs and Zeus don't mind.

And yes, I have often thought the photo in my avatar was maybe a message to me that I wasn't aware of at the time. If you look closely you'll see the angel's finger is pointing at Zita. Perhaps it is a message that she was chosen for me, but that the angels couldn't give her long on earth. She was such an angel, that kitty. I remembered today accidentally locking her in the bathroom and finding her just peacefully sleeping in the sink. She was so trusting and content.

take care

Jan

Hi Jan,

Very interesting that you chose this for me to tell my friend. Yesterday she called to tell me she would not be attending the board meeting that she thought was scheduled for last night. The meeting actually isn't until next Monday night. Her husband sits on the board and she didn't want to face the neighbors or him as yet. After telling her what you said, she WILL be going along with my hubby and me next Monday night. Thanks again......it's amazing how one can touch another and boost them up without even knowing it.

Keep plugging away girl because you truly set an example that is to be followed. I'm so proud of you and the path you've chosen.

Hugs,
Beth

Hi Jan,
LOVE the theme song! I clicked on the link and watched the whole video. Haaa haaaa That is GREAT!!! I don't think I had paid attention to the words before. Good song! It is perfect!

And yes- I know when my ex told me that it was supposed to be a "put down", but in the end it just ended up being a wonderful thing and made me so much stronger. I think deep down maybe they never truly want us to get "over them" so we when go on with our lives, they are like, "wait, what happened... I thought she was a small, helpless person.". Heeee heeeee Definitely NOT!!

And we are all so grateful to you for sharing your story and I am SURE you are helping others, like Beth posted about her friend. It helps to hear what other people go through, we are in this thing called life together!

I'm glad you are making YOU a priority. It's something we tend to forget (as women) I think. We are always so busy taking care of everyone else. I have to take a step back every once and a while and pay attention to me. It's so important!

Hope you are having a great day!
~R,Z,N Mom

Oh thank you Beth!

Tell her that it gets easier - those meetings. I felt physically nauseous the first couple of times being in the same room with x-h. But the last time I actually felt warmth inside and strength. (I also had hypnotherapy from someone I trust - that helped me quite a bit.) That strength is always there if she remembers it. By going along to support her you will help her a lot! It's a reminder that she really is not alone. I had support from friends and even my mom to go to those meetings. x-h also always brought sd, I guess as his emotional crutch. She never enjoyed those meetings but always wanted to be there with her dad. Now that there is no "competition" I think she'll attend less. Also, that song "Fighter" - it really has helped to remind me of who did what to who. x-h is crying and whining about not having his original house and that marrying me was the biggest mistake in his life... yadda yadda. Oh play me those violins - barf! He is so out of touch, he takes no responsibility for the fact that he is the creator of his own circumstances. It's almost beyond belief.

I have to think of him like a small child that really has no awareness. He is playing with poison and has no idea why it's hurting him. I have to see him that way because if he were even remotely aware of the pain and destruction he is causing, not just for me, but for sd and for himself, he could never do all that he's done. He has alienated so many people. He gives people the impression that the separation was mutual because I suppose admitting he left me might make him look bad. He has never been able to give an explanation for it other than - "it wasn't working for me" or "there was nothing to work on". He really can't take any responsibility for anything. He has turned out to be the exact opposite person to the person I thought I had married. I am still flabbergasted about how I could have believed he was nurturing and caring, protective of me and on a spiritual path. He is totally self absorbed, like a 3 year old, except not so honest. Despite all this I send him wishes for his higher good that he will open his eyes, see truth and admit truth. This is the only way he will ever progress. But in the meantime I know that communication with him is nonsensical because he is not honest and he is not aware. I keep things neutral and only deal with what I have to deal with. He is not safe for me to be around.

If your friend wants to email me, just pm me and I'll send my email address.

thanks Beth and I'm glad you are going with your friend to that meeting. It will be a step in the right direction.

Jan.

Hi N's Mom

Well it turns out I didn't know x-h, but it looks like he didn't know me very well either. I wonder even if that's why he bolted. I was just supposed to go along with everything, as his "Trophy Wife" (which is what he actually called me in front of some friends once when I wasn't there), and his playtoy that he got bored with. It's very easy to spout
"words of wisdom" but the proof is in the example. x-h's whining and blaming don't seem very spiritually evolved to me. I like that Fighter video because it shows the pain and difficulty of getting through this kind of betrayal from someone you trust, but also the determination and strength to transform it into something to learn and grow from.

I am looking forward to getting the separation agreement over with. I hope it has now stopped snowing so I can get a realtor to assess the house. It was snowing in the a.m. on Monday here, but it looks like it's pretty much melting now.

I am looking forward to starting a new chapter in my life. I do hope x-h comes to some sort of awareness at some point in his life. I know it's not my responsibility anymore, but if he continues on his path of destruction he will create so much pain and hardship for all those around him. So I do send him, and especially sd, healing. The world needs more awareness, compassion and love.

take care.

Jan.

Hi all.

I had a dream last night that I want to share. I have been asking for guidance, and my little Ziggy showed up in my dream - it was so great to see her! I really felt she was there with me and that really meant a lot to me. There was symbolism in this dream, still trying to figure it out.

I was holding Ziggy is my hands. She was just tiny, but she was purring and purring just the way she did with her big huge purr that was so loveable. I was thrilled to see her and telling everyone (I was apparently in a vet's office) "this is my Ziggy!" She was tinier than before but vibrant orange and she sat in the palm of my hands purring and purring. Gradually when I looked down she was a caterpiller, but still fuzzy and lovable. Then when I next looked in my palm I realized I couldn't show her to anyone anymore because she had turned into a maggot. I wasn't disturbed by this but I knew she wasn't really there anymore. I put it down on the table.

I believe our dreams give us spiritual messages and I'm not sure what that one is yet. Something to do with Ziggy's transition to death maybe, maggots represent death to me. It may sound like a disturbing dream but it really wasn't, I just realized Ziggy was no longer there at that point. The joy of seeing her and feeling her purring in my hands was wonderful.

If anyone wants a stab at dream &%^ysis, go for it! I'm having lots of them.

Jan.

Hi Jan, very interesting, here's what I found. Pherhaps not knowing what happened to Ziggy is "eating away at you".. Hmmm, just a thought. ..Ann

To see maggots in your dream, represent your anxieties about death. It may also be indicative of some issue or problem that you have been rejecting and it is now "eating away" at you . You need to confront it for it is destroying your sense of harmony and balance.

In particular, to dream that you are stepping on maggots, indicates guilt and impurity. You are trying to repress your immoral thoughts or behavior . On a positive note, it may symbolize your resilience, persistence, and your ability to bounce back from adversity

Hi Ann

I did read that interpretation, interestingly I had another dream where someone else was stepping on maggots - a woman. They stuck to her shoe and (in my dream) I told her and someone else (who in real life I have a lot of respect for) about the dream I had....

It could maybe relate to x-h's reaction from Ziggy's death. It was one of the triggers that seemed to set him off. He could in no way handle my grief. But the thing I keep thinking about the symbolism in my Ziggy dream, was that it seems almost the opposite to what a larvae does - to change to a caterpillar and then to a butterfly. It was like Ziggy's change was in reverse like a backwards transformation. I guess she wasn't able to stay long in my dream. Maybe it has to do with acceptance of physical change for me - which I've had to deal with in an incredibly dramatic way.... Also, I ask to be given answers to certain questions before I go to sleep. That night I asked if x-h's soul had anything to say to me. A few people have told me he is taking steps backwards. The timing of Ziggy's death was part of what started these backward steps (though probably something was there long before). But I still don't know if that's what the dream actually means.

My preferred explanation is that she is reincarnating and coming back to me! That's what I'd like to believe anyway.

Jan.

Hi Jan,

Your offer to talk to Tracy is more than kind of you. This is just another one of your kind gestures that reveal what a warm loving woman you are. Sometimes I feel a little inadequate to give her much advice because I've never been in the kind of situation you both have been forced to cope with.....and hope I never am. Spending time with her is the best I can do for now. Actually now she is much more mad than hurt. Her husband took $30,000 out of his retirement fund without talking to her about it first. She filed for a divorce last week.

I'm glad she has her doggylove, Poncho though. At least she is not completely alone in her home. Her husband actually has suggested in the past that Poncho was faking a problem with his back left leg. WHAT A JERK! That tells me all I need to know about him. Poncho looked around for Tony for a long time after he abandoned them. He seems now to have adjusted to Tony's absence.

I'll be seeing Tracy over the weekend and I'll let her know you have offered help for her. Again, your thoughtfulness for others shines through and through. Your X lost a fantastic catch when he let you go.

Huggers,
Beth

I believe our dreams from our beloved pets are so different than other dreams. They are vivid and when we hold them they seem so REAL. I think they are visiting from the spirit world. My take on it is that Ziggy was visiting you, and she was vibrant and tiny to let you know that she is healed, whole, and happy but could appear slightly different to you. This is one reason I think it was Ziggy. When you said she was vibrant, that's how my dreams of Ren and Zorro have been. Ren had these spots and all kinds of marks and bumps on him, and I saw them all CLEARLY in detail, every spot, mark, bump (he was a sphynx). My dreams are never like that. I also remember holding Zorro in a dream and I could feel him, feel the joy and the love. It was so real compared to other dreams. I think that is what you experienced, too.

Anyways, I think the fact that she changes to a caterpiller and then to a maggot, says to me that she may appear in different forms to you. That you may not always know that it is her, but she is there with you regardless, even when it may be something small that happens, it's still Ziggy's spirit coming through to you.

I think that is pretty profound. I think it just means that after they lose their physical body on earth, they can still appear to us as we knew them, but they also may appear to us other times that we don't recognize, but the message is that they are there, regardless, with us.

That's wonderful Jan!

~RZN's Mom

Hi Beth

I've pm'd you about talking to Tracy. Aw Beth, that makes me want to cry - thanks for that. Those kind of things are so important to hear when you've been through this. I guess x-h thinks it's not bothering me enough because he's tossing all sorts of nasty remarks around about marrying me being the "biggest mistake of his life." But someone pointed out to me that I get a huge gift from his decision. I have got to grow in a huge and rapid way - it was either shrivel up and die or transform. I chose to rise to the challenge. He is still acting like it's possible just to erase me from existence. But that will follow him around since he hasn't dealt with any of it. I just have to get the separation agreement underway then a new chapter will begin, actually a new book!

thanks so much for being there!

Jan.

Hi Nemo's Mom

Wow, that's a great interpretation. Yes, it's like they continue to exist even though we don't always sense their personalities. In my other Ziggy dream, she was vibrant orange too. She was tiny in my hands, and in real life she was a small cat. Her tininess was very endearing to me, so it's like she was showing me she can still be in a form I can recognize and even with enhancements. Maybe it really is about acceptance of the transitions - from larvae to caterpillar to butterfly, but then the butterfly eventually becomes larvae. So it's like she changed form, but just because I don't recognize her doesn't mean she isn't there. That's a comforting message. I found it intriguing that the "progression" was backwards - instead of larvae to caterpillar to Ziggy, it was the other way around. But perhaps this is death - just life in different forms.

I find these dreams very fascinating, and I do feel sure she was with me, and that there was also a deeper message for me.

Thanks for your thoughts - they make a lot of sense!

take care! I am going away this weekend. Yay!

bye for now.

Jan.