I wrote this site back in May 2005, after I lost my beloved Weimaraner 'Schatszie'. I lived alone then at 50, as I still do now, and still have a small business operation from my home. At ten years old Schatszie started having Liver issues, which then turned into kidney problems. Two days before I had the Vet put Schatszie to sleep, she had a major siezure.After rushing her to the Vet for treatment, she was revived but couldn't walk. It was a gut wrenching experience, but I got two more days with her, so that I could look her in the eyes to tell her I loved Her before she passed. After Schatszie passed, I swore I just couldn't get another friend, but after ~8 months, I woke up one day and decided to search for another Weim Puppy, which turned out to be dead ends every where I searched......no new or expected litters anywhere. Then, I got a lead, that a Very Reputable Weim Breeder here in Texas just had a litter and there were two pups remaing, unspoken for, and one was a female! I was so damn excited,......My pitiful loneliness would now be gone. After arriving at the breeder's home, I observed some of her other weims in her kennel. Something didn't seem right with their looks, as per what most standard Weims that I have had look like. We then proceeded to see my new puppy, 'Steffie'. We took her outside to let her run with another male adult dog, and I was sold......she had a feisty way about her,....not a quitter to the very end, as she kept trying to take the cloth toy from the other dog's mouth. 'Steffie' was a very healthy looking puppy. The first two years I had her, there were zero health issues. But when she was ~3 years old, she got a lower respiratory infection, contributed mostly by the exteme pine tree pollen in the air here in the spring. Well, the Vet got that corrected, but there would be another flareup of this respiratory problem later, got it fixed, then never had anymore issues of such. Then when she was ~3.5 years, she developed some small circular lesions on both eyes, and after tests were run, they found that her triglyceride levels were very high. The Vet or Tx A&M Vet Clinic could never pinpoint the cause of the high Triglycerides, and I had to start her on expensive prescription 'Low Digestive Fat' food, plus a precribed medication given daily the rest of her life. When Steffie was almost 6 years, one day I was going to give her some of my banana, but she looked the other way, as if her sight/hearing was malfunctioning. Prior to this, she showed no signs of any health issues. Being an emergency, I rushed her to Tx A&M Vet Clinic. After IV's and many, many tests, she regained her sight, etc., and then they gave me the bad news, that they found a UTI(I hadn't observed anything in her actions telling me of this), and that she was technically loosing protein in her urine. They then told me that it was Chronic Kidney Failure and it would shorten her life by months or years. My first thought upon hearing this.....This can't be! Steffie is my new life, my salvation! This simply can't be happening! That was the longest drive home that day I've ever made. I had to return to A&M for followup visits so that they could get the new dosages correct on her medications that she would have to take the rest of her life. I had the Vet put Steffie to sleep this November 17. Steffie survived this insidious disease for 3.5 years, having given her one medication three times per day, four other medications twice per day, then her vitamins. Steffie got so tired of taking pills, not to mention I had to administer them down her throat or mixing them in baby food fruit products with a 60ml syringe......twice/day for 3.5 years. In early October of this year, she started loosing weight, muscle. I knew the end was near, and all the rescue drugs were now not working.....she was entering the fourth stage of kidney failure. Yes, I had the Vet give IV's as well as I at home, as I witnessed seemingly daily the unbelievable weight loss. Her poor body was dwindling to nothing. At ~8 days prior to her passing, she developed a secondary infection in her upper respiratory, mainly in her throat, whereby there was green mucous emitting from her nostrils and somewhat at her eyes. The Vet put her on antibiotics, and at times, one would think that it kept the infection in check, but in the end it came back. In the last 48 hours of Steffie's life, I was in contact with my Vet, letting her lead the way as per when the time was right. Hours before the Vet came to my house, Steffie had lost the use of her legs, and I had to carry her outside to urinate, etc..

I'm writing this lengthy story for a reason. I want all those poor souls that have or are presently going through this, that 'I Understand'. I understand 1000%. No one else but your Vet will understand. You can't talk to anyone about it, unless they have BEEN THERE. I also wrote this lengthy story for those that live alone with such happening to them. Living alone and loosing your Best Friend is another world in itself.

A month later I find myself lost,.....Nothing has meaning or purpose anymore,....I'm not needed anymore. Yes, I'm fully aware that only time can heal such wounds, but this was a very deep wound this time, regardless of how many times I've previously gone through having your Best Friend put to sleep. But, then, I try to grasp ahold of the positives,.....Steffie lived another 3.5 years, my Father helped me through the financial strain of ~$8,000.00+ I spent in 7 years keeping Steffie Healthy/Alive,.......I was with Steffie 24/7,.....BUT, in the end, I realize how lucky I am to be able to bury her here on my property, and place a headstone on her grave.

In closing, Chronic Kidney Failure is absolutely an insidious disease that wears many hats. The desperate things you do towards the end, thinking you can buy time, etc., but knowing the clock is ticking so damn loud you become desperate, you'll do anything but sit there and let your Best Friend die. Looking back, I'm at peace knowing I was able to hold my Benevolent, Sweet Steffie, and look her in the eyes....."I Love You Steffie".

Hi, Earl, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Steffie. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Earl, as you already know so well this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It doesn't matter if it's our first experience or our thousandth - - each experience is unique because each relationship we have with each of our beloved companions is uniquely individual. Each experience happens at different times in our lives, and each new experience can once again arouse the memories of previous losses adding to the sorrow of the present grief adjustment journey.

Although you are now on a journey of adjusting to the physical absence of your beloved Steffie, there is one thing that will never change: the love bond you and your beloved Steffie, and Schatszie, share. Love is eternal, Earl - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Steffie's, and Schatszie's, sweet Living Spirits continue to share your earthly journey as they always have and always will - - for they are always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Earl - - they are always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow and emptiness that engulfs our hearts and lives coping with the "new reality" of adjusting to the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure - - the longing to hold our beloved companion "just one more time." Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey, and please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Steffie with us, Earl. Perhaps sometime you will share a picture of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Moon_Beam: I sincerely appreciate your very thoughtful and kind words. Yes, everyone's situation is unique. I just wanted those, that are going through the 'Chronic Kidney Failure' ordeal, to know that 'WE' are out there and 'KNOW' what you are dealing with. I've often said, "I don't know what is more insidious, CKF or ALZ. In my particular case, it became quite obvious that Steffie had genetically inherited issues. The luck of the draw when getting a new puppy. The past six years combined with the first three years of raising Steffie from a puppy, created a VERY, VERY strong bond between her and I. Consequently, I'm having a very hard time of 'Letting Go'. It's just all so sad, so very sad, that our beloved friends have such a short, short life span in considering all that they give and never complain, even when they feel terrible.

There is no doubt, that in this sick world in which we live, our beloved friends have and will always be the ONLY sane thing thing in one's life, and when they are gone, THEN one truly realizes this. It takes a lot of courage to get another friend after loosing one. In my case,....my age, etc., I really do not think I can go through this again. Sure, 'We all say this', only to adopt, etc., again. But, as aforementioned, that one's situation is always unique, my Heart & Soul went with Steffie
as well as with Schatszie. I tried again, but this wound will never heal.

I just wish the best to all those that are either getting ready to go through this, or are trying to find peace. It's just all so Very, Very Sad.

Thank You for letting me express myself.

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can so understand what you share with us: "In my case,....my age, etc., I really do not think I can go through this again. But, as aforementioned, that one's situation is always unique, my Heart & Soul went with Steffie as well as with Schatszie."

I am a single retired senior citizen, and now have my sole surviving precious feline companion Noah with me. Since December 2006, we have endured the physical losses of three of our companions: My number one kitty son Eli joined the angels in December 2006 at 6 years of age due to end stage Lymphoma; in November 2009 my handsome Black Lab Oslo joined the angels at 15 years of age due to a sudden stroke; and March 2010 my beautiful feline baby girl - - and Noah's sibling sister - - Abbygayle joined the angels at 6 years of age due to end stage Fibrosarcoma. My precious Noah is 11 years old now and I treasure every moment of every day we have together. In September 2012 he required emergency surgery for what turned out to be a twisted intestine, and November 2013 he was diagnosed with diabetes. Several days after his diagnosis I nearly lost him due to a near fatal hypoglycemia event from the insulin injections. Fortunately the ER doctor was able to stabilize him and recommended to his regular veterinary care provider that she either keep him on the insulin without the diabetic food, or keep him on the diabetic food without insulin injections. I am very thankful he is doing very well on the low glucose maintenance food without the need for any injections. When Noah is no longer physically with me, I know I will not be able to embrace another companion into my home - - due to my age, physical challenges, and limited finances. So I do perfectly understand your decision, Earl - - because whatever decision you make is the RIGHT ONE for you.

The holidays can be difficult to endure particularly when the deep grief for the physical loss of a beloved companion is still very new. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers that you will feel your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's sweet Living Spirits comforting you, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Earl, so sorry for the loss of your girl. I also recently lost my true heart dog and often feel that the pain will never end.
I can understand your sentiment about not being able to go through it again. I have a small team of working dogs to help me run my sheep farm and I love them all as they are also my companions in the house. However my HOlly was so special in her bond with me that even their love and kisses can't free me from the intense and endless feeling of loss over my special girl and I also know I will have to say goodbye to each of them one day.

Although I like to think of it that STeffie was also lucky to have found someone who cared so much for her and ensured her care. Holly too had to have several expensive surgeries and I often wonder what might have happened if she had ended up in the wrong home.
So although it hurts so much to lose them, it was also a life that you gave your STeffie that she may not have otherwise had. This is the thought that helps me to try and feel peace with my girl's loss.
My mother is 85 and also recently lost her special dog and with my encouragement has recently adopted an older dog from rescue. Although she still mourns her girl she is starting to find joy in the older girl she rescued.

Anyway sorry for your loss and both your girls had such a wonderful life and bond with you, that in its self was a gift although it does make the parting so hard, like a huge hole in your heart.

Dear SummerHolly, I'm terribly sorry to hear of your recent loss of your beloved best friend. Whats left of my heart goes out to you, for I know you have apparently been bombarded with issues(with your Mother's dog, etc.) with abolutely bad timing. I sincerely appreciate you taking the time in writing me. Your writing, tells me we have much in common, we both would give our right arm, etc., if thats what it took to make our friend well again. Yes, you are right, I know that if I hadn't taken Steffie that day in 2005, irregardless of what I saw with some of the breeder's adult dogs, and Steffie's subsequent medical issues, that she probably wouldn't have lived as long as she did, due to the costs and the fact that I was here 24/7 with her, which is rare for most owners. Believe me, I have A LOT to be thankful for, for I know there is much pain out there of past and present, because the owner had to be at work and not able to take care with 24/7. Yes, I should be thankful that Steffie fought her ckf very hard and I never missed a day of administering her timely medications, but in the end, it doesn't matter if Steffie only lived to be only 9 yrs old, if our friends lived to see 3 or 15 yrs old, we all feel robbed. It doesn't matter how long we have had friends in our lives, knowing full well their life expectancy, we all fall into that trap expecting them to live forever. That trap is called a 'Bond'. That 'Bond' can inherently grow in strength via certain circumstances.

As I've always said, "The Greatest Crime Ever Committed, Was That Our Beloved Friends Weren't Granted A Longer Life Span."

Take care of yourself while you try to find peace. Finding peace is a personal mountain to climb, for as you know, you are only allowed to discuss such once or twice with other people, and after that, you would be deemed to be of need of professional help. Theres a very cruel world out there, and we are literally on our own as we attempt to blaze our way through this fog.

Regards,

Earl

Hi Moon_Beam, I'm basically speechless after reading what you have been through. You know that I understand your non-ending pain from the past, and now with your precious 'Noah'. I know you are taking it a day at a time and you are literally walking on pins and needles while you do your best for Noah. You Sir, are a Very, Very Strong person that one rarely meets. I am sincerely so damn sorry that you have had to go through all that you have. It's just not fair for any caring human to sustain such.

I don't know why that most bad things seemingly always happen during the holidays. For me, to constantly hear 'Merry Christmas' lately, or soon to be 'Happy New Year', it's almost toxic to my ears. I somehow 'fake it' in my response, but it has no meaning. Nothing has any meaning when you hurt so bad. Cooking meals for oneself has no meaning, other than the fact that you know you must eat. It's just all so sad.

When I rushed Steffie to the University Vet Clinic that day in 2011, that trip cost ~$3,000.00, but it saved/extended her life. They suggested to do a kidney biopsy for an additional $1,000.00, but I declined because it wouldn't have had any results to reverse CKD. Sir, I know that you have financially strained yourself with your beloved friends. I do not have many good things to say about our changed Veterinary Care as of late. They KNOW we love our animals to the nth degree and they will charge you anything via that weak link. My retired Vet would ALWAYS do the following things upon a wellness exam: Examine the mouth & teeth, Examine the ears AND CLEAN THEM, Clip ALL the toenails, take a temperature, stethoscope internals,.........NOW, .......I've experienced two different Vets, and they do none of these. 'I' have to ask them to do it. Yes, don't get me wrong, there are many good vets still, but, thiese overlookings of a traditional 'Wellness Exam' seemingly are becoming a trend.

Sir, I appreciate you telling me about your past for that takes courage. I feel priviledged that you put trust in me to do so. As you know, our society doesn't allow us to talk about such with anyone. We are all on our own as that clock ticks in the background. I wish you and Noah the best. Keep up the good work in caring for Noah. He has only you.

Regards,

Your Friend Earl

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for your kind comfort and encouragement with my own experiences enduring the physical losses of my beloved companions.

I can so well understand how you feel when you share with us: "For me, to constantly hear 'Merry Christmas' lately, or soon to be 'Happy New Year', it's almost toxic to my ears. I somehow 'fake it' in my response, but it has no meaning. Nothing has any meaning when you hurt so bad." Indeed, clinical professionals now recognize that what is supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year" can in reality be "the most horrible time of the year" when one is grieving the loss of a beloved companion - - particularly when the holidays are the "first without". This grief adjustment journey is a painful one both emotionally and physically as we struggle to re-invent our lives that no longer includes the physical presence and needs of our beloved companion(s).

I know what you mean about the cost of veterinary care which reflects the many advanced technological medical procedures now available in veterinary medicine that many years ago were only available to humans. But as with human medicine just because a procedure "can be done" does not mean that it is always beneficial to be done. Whatever decision we make on behalf of our beloved companions at any given time is the best decision for them at that time.

It is our enduring love bond that transcends the physical laws of time and space that helps us to eventually find the "new normal" to continue our earthly journey in a way that honors them. I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I Thank You for your kindness and understanding, for I know 'You've Been There'. I'm extremely grateful of this site, for when you have no other ears to listen to you, the pain gets worse.

I want to share something with you if it's OK. This has never happened to me before. Two days after I released Steffie from her pain, I had a very short and 'VERY True to life dream, the type of dream that every second of it will remain vivid for the rest of your life. I was out in my work shop sitting in my normal chair located just inside of the overhead door, working on something in my hands. I caught something out of my eye, entering the shop towards me, and it was 'Steffie'. She was wagging her tail and had a huge smile on her face while she approached me. As I reached down to grab ahold of her, I said, "Steffie how are you back with me", and while hugging her, I said, "Steffie! You are so cold!". I then woke up.

I will admit to you Moon_Beam, I'm not the most spiritual person, but, I 'HAVE TO BELIEVE' that this was not a dream, it was really Steffie in spirit, letting me know that she was finally at peace, and to give me peace. Again, I've never had a dream that remains so sharp in my memory. Out of all the pain and torment in grieving her being gone, I try to grasp upon to her visit and find peace with myself.

Oh well, Thank You again for visiting with me, etc.. It helps very much.

Regards, Earl

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, please let me try to reassure you that the "dream" you and your beloved Steffie shared is REAL. There is no doubt in my mind that your beloved Steffie's sweet Living Spirit came to reassure you that she is restored to her former youthfulness thanks to your unselfish love that released her from her frail, failing, painful physical body - - and that she is with you now as she always has been and always will be - - for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

Some people feel quite unsettled when they experience "visits" from their beloved companions. Like you, however, I embrace them when they happen and find great comfort in knowing they still find a way to let me know their sweet Living Spirits are still with me - - that I truly am not "alone" in my continued earthly journey.

I so understand what it is like to have to put on the "public face" so that others around me will not be embarassed by the deep sorrow in my heart - - as well as to avoid as much as possible the hurtful comments from others - - including my family members - - who believe that animals are "expendable creatures" and unworthy of feelings of loss. I, too, and very thankful for this wonderful forum as a safe place where we can come to share what is in our hearts without fear of judgment or rejection. Please know we are here for you, Earl, for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Moon_Beam,( that animals are "expendable creatures" and unworthy of feelings of loss.).....So sad is it not. A friend of mine went through a divorce some years back, and they had a dog while married. His ex remained in their house as well as the dog. Within months, she started having financial issues and their dog(only 7 yrs old & totally healthy) became an issue with her, and without contacting my friend she had the dog put to sleep. When I was being told this story, I simply couldn't believe what my ears were hearing. 'How' could anyone be this heartless?! I came to the conclusion back when I lost Schatszie, to have no communication with anyone concerning my personal pain, and 'Yes', even with family members. Again, the relationship/Bond between the Owner/Companion is a VERY PERSONAL and DETAILED experience.

I will tell you, I'm having a very difficult time trying to get past the fact that Steffie was only nine yrs old, even though 'I Realize' many things, such as 'I Knew' her life would be cut short due to CKF,.......'How Lucky I/She was to be blessed with a 3.5 yr extension of life after that March 2011 Diagnosis',........Owners, such as yourself whom lost their beloved friends at a Much Younger Age, etc.. With Schatszie, I finally found peace with myself, due to the fact she lived to be 12. I'm not a selfish individual, and I take all of this into consideration when I speak of Steffie being only 9.

Moon_Beam, How did you finally cope,....find peace, when you lost your friends at a very young age? The pain had to be absolutely devistating! I know you are a very strong individual from what you have told me, but 'How' did you finally move forward?

I sincerely appreciate you tolerating me. I do not want to be a nuisance at this site. It seems that I have made some headway, but, there are too many activities from that point through the rest of the day that Steffie and I did, like clockwork, and the waves of pain come and go. I just simply cannot get past the feeling that 'It wasn't fair that Steffie was only 9'.

I hope your day today was a peaceful one,

Regards,

Earl

Dear SummerHolly, As you know, these Holidays have not helped you or I making progress, especially today. As Moon_Beam had stated about putting on the 'Public Face' during all the happiness, glee, festivities that these Holidays bring. Both of our situations prior to and after have much in common with both Holly and Steffie. I too had many, many negative things occurring weeks prior to Steffie showing signs of going into fourth stage CKF. I was juggling many issues while trying to get Steffie's appetite back on line. I feel for you as per your location in regards to accessibility to a Vet.

As with your strong Bond with Holly, Steffie and I were literally attached at the hip after so many health issues, with each one being conquered except the CKF diagnosis in March of 2011.

Yes, I too can't really accept the fact that Steffie is gone. I make progress, but then, I'm bombarded each and every morning, then off and on during the day, of things I 'Said To' or 'Things I did' to/with Steffie, and......SHE's NOT THERE!

I must tell you, you must concentrate on the fact that you had Holly for '14' long beautiful years, you have to. I finally used that approach in making headway when I lost Schatszie. For Steffie, I'm having the most difficulty in getting past the fact that she was only 9 yrs old,....I simply feel that she was robbed. It's just simply not fair, especially due to the fact that she spent the last 3.5 years with off and on stomach growelings, nausea, regardless of the medications.

If it wasn't for this site to write to, and speaking to such a wonderful human being like Moon_Beam, I would only feel like crawling into a hole somewhere to die, for, the only possible annecdote, would be for me to waive my magic wand and bring Steffie back to life in my arms.

Just try to concentrate on the fact you had Holly for 14 long years.

I wish I could say that about my Steffie.

Earl

Hi Earl, yes I had my Holly for 14 years but her breed is notoriously long lived and I had one live to nearly 17 so I still feel ripped off. I dont think it is ever enough time. You want them to be with you always. However I know realistically 14 is a very good age and that does bring some comfort. I think I was just so shocked at how unexpected it all was. If it had been at 9 years old yes I would have felt really ripped off for my dog, so I can understand how you feel about Steffie, just extra hard.

Now I lost one of mine when she was only 3yo. She had been through a few health issues with her elbows and pyometra but one day she picked up a toxic marine slug. Through a series of circumstances that still make me shudder and leave me feeling partly responsible, I left her at the vet at midnight fully expecting her to pull through but there was a novice vet on, it was a very hot night and the airconditioning had failed and she didnt receive adequate cooling and it was too much for her little body and all her organs overheated from her shaking and failed. I was shocked when I phoned the next morning to be told that she had died. 7 years later it stills haunts me to a degree that a combination of me not getting her to the vet sooner and then the situation at the vets resulted in her death, even though I know that many dogs die after licking this particular creature. She was only a baby and I feel that I let her down big time.

Going back to your visitation dream from Steffie that is indeed a blessing. I am not a particularly spiritual person myself but although I have unfortunately never had a visitation dream from my dogs, I have had 2.

One night I had a dream that my horse came to me and I felt like he was saying goodbye. I had him since he was 2 and he was at that time 25. I hadnt seen him for at least 2 years as he was agisted at my BIL's horse stud, living the good life while I was working far away. He was a very special horse, very quirky and we were pretty bonded. I woke up and about half an hour later I received a phone call telling me that he had passed peacefully in the night in his paddock. I was quite stunned really. It seemed such a weird coincidence. After my father passed I had the same thing. He came to me in a dream and told me to tell my mother and sister that he loved us and we would see him again. There was then a loud knocking and a bright light and he told me he had to go and passed through a door.

Both visitations whatever they might mean bring comfort. I just wish I could have had something similar with my dogs. Maybe that would be too greedy.

I visited my family for Xmas and I carried with me my favourite photo of my Holly. My family seemed to understand as they are animal lovers. I often talk to her and tell her how I am feeling. I think I am gradually feeling more at peace but I think it will take a long time still.

This is indeed a wonderful site to share how we are feeling. Moonbeam has certainly been through it all and takes the time to show caring and understanding and wisdom to all of us who come here. Not many people would take the time to do that for others.

Yes if I could wave a magic wand and sometimes I too feel that it is hard to go on and that life is much poorer without my special Holly. I do take some comfort in my other dogs. One in particular my baby dog is making a real effort to connect with me and is becoming my little shadow. She is the same breed and colour as my Holly and I have to be careful not to expect her to be the same but to get to know her personality. I think my other dogs are what keep me going, although Holly will always be my special girl.

Yes I still cry for her and mornings are the worst when I wake up and cant quite believe she is gone, or when I an getting ready to go on a walk I miss her enthusiastic barking and her being first to welcome me at the door and the special looks we shared between us. So I totally get how bad it is when they are simply not there to share those daily routines.

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. From my personal experiences with losses, I have come to realize that this grief journey is one of "adjustment" to the physical absence of our beloved companions - - instead of one of "moving forward / moving on" - - for these words imply "putting behind / forgetting / letting go" of our beloved companions - - and this is just not possible for they are always and forever a part of our hearts and memories - - they are always and forever a heartbeat close to us.

I was totally devastated when my number one kitty son Eli was diagnosed with end stage Lymphoma. He had come through so much in his life needing the benefit of Valium for the feline version of Severe Personality Disorder / Schizophrenia. Yes, even our companions can be subject to mental health disorders. When he had an episode even the physical bone structure in his face changed to distortion. With the Valium he was able to live a reasonably healthy and happy life. When he was 3 three years old Noah and his beautiful baby sibling sister joined our home, and Noah and Eli bonded immediately. For the next 3 years Eli blossomed into the happiest best big kitty brother Noah could have ever had. And Noah simply adored his big adopted kitty brother. When Eli joined the angels, my precious Noah deeply grieved for Eli, as did I, but I also grieved for Noah who had a very difficult time adjusting to Eli's physical absence. The good news was that he and his baby sister were also inseparable, and he continued his role as caregiver for her. And then 3.5 years later he became the sole survivor, and that was another huge adjustment for the both of us.

You ask a universal question: "How did you finally cope,....find peace, when you lost your friends at a very young age? The pain had to be absolutely devistating!" There is no such thing as "getting over" the physical loss of a loved one - - whoever the life form. Eventually, hopefully, there comes a time when the deep grief eases and we are able to think of our beloved companions with a happy heart. But even now in my senior years as I recall my beloved companions with whom I have been blessed to share their earthly journey many years ago there are times when a mist still comes to my eyes and an ache to my heart to hold them "just one more time." But these moments of sadness are short-lived for I now feel the warmth of our memories, and am comforted greatly as I realize that each of them who are now with the angels are restored to their former youthfulness - - no more pain, no more suffering of their former physical bodies to endure.

I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, Earl, but unfortunately there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. The only way to get to this point in our grief adjustment journey is one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in our own way and in our own time. And hopefully along the way with finding comfort, support, and encouragement from others who truly do understand what you are going through, and will be with you, for you, and beside you for as long and as often as you need them.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi SummerHoly, I'm not a very spiritual person either, but that visit from Steffie, I have to believe it was very real. It's all I have to grasp onto, for some form of peace.

When Steffie and I were at the University Vet Clinic in March 2011, and after they had completed all the tests, then told me her life would be cut short by months or years, I felt like I only weighed a couple of ponds, and after a minute, all I could say in response was,...."I hope she lives to at least 9 yrs old."(She was almost 6 then). Isn't it very strange that she passed or her kidney condition went to stage 4 just a month past her 9th birthday. Maybe a coincidence, but, I wonder.

All I know, I really do not think I can sustain this pain again. Vet care is so damn expensive now, and no, I couldn't imagine a person shooting their sick dog vs. finding another form of financial aid to make them well again. I knew of a person that always had a doberman. He never put up a fence around his property, so he kept his dog on a chain. He would always give bones to his dog, until one time they got lodged in his intestinal tract. He had his vet come out to diagnose, and said they would have to do surgery to remove the bone(s). This person instead put his dog down with a .22 round then buried him. Theres a lot of people out there that proclaim themselves as pet lovers, such as this individual. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I brought this up, because I know both you and I have beat ourselves up, saying we should have done this, done that, etc., but, irregardless, we would have given our souls away if only we could have saved Holly and Steffie.

If only I could get past the fact that Steffie only lived a pitiful 9 yrs and such a sweet, benevolent girl.

SummerHolly, I'm truly sorry that we both(as well as others that had a very special loving bond with their companion) have had to sustain such pain. If I could only waive my magic wand and make it all right again.

As time marches on......

Take care of yourself.

Regards,

Earl

Hi Moon_Beam, I Thank You for spending some time with me. To be honest with you, I'm down to you and somewhat with my Vet, as to the only ones I can discuss Steffie. My Sister, whom surrounds herself with many animals, is no longer dependable....."I need to move on, It's in the past,...It's Done." Well you know the feeling. Don't think my Sister nor my Parents ever shed a tear when loosing a companion. Yes, they loved and took very good care of them, but, they 'move on', 'let go', they do not believe in grieving. So, yes, if it wasn't for you Moon_Beam, and a text message from my Vet yesterday, I would be on my own. My Vet sent me a text yesterday PM and told me she was praying for me, and to wish me a Merry Christmas & Happy New Year. This made me feel better and created some progress. As you know Moon_Beam, we all want to blame ourselves to a certain degree after the loss, as if we should have done this and that via medical issues. I hate to repeat myself, but being single, with no kids, etc., this 'world' and 'such grief' is unknown by others with wives/kids/etc.(Such as my Sister). They think their grief is equivalent to mine. They have not a clue.

"The only way to get to this point in our grief adjustment journey is one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in our own way and in our own time. And hopefully along the way with finding comfort, support, and encouragement from others who truly do understand what you are going through, and will be with you, for you, and beside you for as long and as often as you need them." Yes, you are so right Moon_Beam, especially,...."in our own way and in our own time".

At the Post Office today, the clerk asked me how my Christmas was. They know me well, as do most around here, because Steffie was with me everywhere I went/drove. I haven't told her or the Bank Drive-Thru Tellers, etc., about Steffie. The tellers still send out milk bones thinking Steffie is in the car. I can't tell them Moon_Beam because I'll break out in tears. For whatever reason, I went ahead and only told the Post Office Lady that I just spent Christmas Day by myself, Well she asked me about Steffie, and it was all I could do to tell her that I put her to sleep, then I had to politely say my goodbye and exit the lobby before I started crying.

Damn, I move forward 6 or seven steps getting better, then 10 steps backward. As you said, "somtimes one moment at a time". Moon_Beam, I think sometimes if I could only find a hole to crawl into and die. I know time will offer final peace, but you sometimes wonder for how much longer can one sustain this.

I hope you and Noah had a peaceful day yesterday and everyday. I know that everyday that you and Noah are together are golden ones. You have sustained too much pain in your life and I admire your courage to move forward one day at a time. Your words express your nonending wisdom.

Regards,

Earl

Earl, I can understand your situation and why you would not want to experience the pain again.

With me my life is so entwined with my dogs that despite the pain of losing them I dont think I could be without them in my life, they almost define who I am. I couldnt run my farm by myself without them. I train them, I work them, I trial them, I hike with them and the friends I have met through trialing them them have been great and understand the pain of losing a dog, even the married ones when they lose their special dog parther. I now usually always insure them for the first couple of years of their life which has in the past caught a few conditions.

Holly has been the worst loss because she was extra special. I grieve for her every day and often shed a tear, wishing she was back by my side, I still cant really belive she is gone, but I also am starting to regain the joy I get from my other dogs. They are my family really. Each one a gift. I know I will go through more painful losses but the joy I get from them and in giving them a very rich life is what helps get me through it all.

Unfortunately you have to move through this painful journey at your own pace, but you are certainly not alone. I have read quite a few peoples journeys with the loss of their pets and they all make me shed a tear because of the huge depth of feeling some people have for their special animals. We simply love then so much.

You just have to keep writing and expressing your grief for Steffie, we all know how it feels. Everytime I read your post I know how deeply it hurts. We all have different ways of coping but it is always hard.

Dear Summer Holly, Theres no doubt that without this site to express ourselves, 'let it out', it would be so much harder, so much. Me myself, I have other issues in the background. Steffie was my power base. She kept my chin up and I her's. I had to move my Parent's into a retirement facility, barely escaping the need for 'Assisted Living'. My Father is just barely haging on with only one kidney and my Mother has mid + stage of Alz. I do not bring this issue up for sympathy reasons. My Father could go any day as his condition gets weaker, requiring dialysis. If he should go, I fear my Mother's condition will freefall, and will automatically require assisted living.

They say that bad or negative things happen in 'threes'. My record since October has put that theory to rest, and I know you can relate to this, as to what you've been through lately. It's like,...."WHEN WILL SOMETHING 'GOOD' HAPPEN!".

I loved Steffie more than anyone could ever imagine, for I will never truly know how much you loved Holly, ONLY you know this. I know my Vet realizes my situation.

All I know, life will NEVER be the same again, regardless how well you try to 'Wax Eloquent'. I respect many of these theories on how to move forward, etc, etc.. But, they are not universal, as well that I know while I'm thinking my situation is bad, there is some poor soul out there whose situation is shaddowing mine. I do not want to make my situation unique to anyone else's. Guess you might say 'I'm Airing Out'. Steffie was the only peace I knew for only 9 short years. If ONLY I could have had her just one more year, for I fear 2015 will be no better than 2014 was.

Yep, the whole bad things happen in threes was blown out the water for me in 2014, things seemed to go from bad to worse with no end in sight

Yes I loved Holly more than anything else and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't shed a little tear for her and want her back. However I am by nature a fairly resilient person. You have to be out here, hammered year after year with droughts as the climate change takes hold. Although I got a taste of what depression might be like as I felt my heart and soul disappearing with Holly with no way to change what happened.

This site is wonderful for being able to share you thoughts because everyone is going through their own journey and there is only support.

Yes it is a personal journey that only you can make. I find it helpful to read other people's stories. I think I have read most of them on this site and the poems that people have written to express how they feel. I don't know why but it actually helps me. I have also started to think about all the positive things in my life with Holly and feel blessed I could give such a gentle loving soul a reason to completely trust me which she did.

Yes watching your parents age sucks big time. I dread the day I lose my mother. Alz is a terrible disease, I can think of nothing worse to watch a person go through this. At least here you can keep airing how you feel if you need to.

I sure am happy for you that you are making some technical headway SummerHolly. I guess each individual keeps searching that massive ring of keys in hopes of finding at least one that unlocks some relief. Like you, I've tried to concentrate on the good times but it defaults back to 'She's Not Here'. Like you, my mornings are absolutely the worst. Steffie slept with me in my bed, her head next to mine with her own pillow. The past couple of days I've tried to concentrate on Steffie's 'Visit'/Dream, with her big smile and her tail wagging. It seems to help, but, then I go outside and every damn thing I see or do just drags me back to square one.

I don't know where you are located, but it sounds like with the droughts, farm activities, etc., etc., that this is helping you also. I'm sure everyday is a different and new day for you. This site was helpful to me back in 2005 and here I am back again. Its nice to know you among friends that have been there or are going through it. The prognosis isn't good when you can't talk about it.

I never told you about my horse 'Victor'. When my Sister and I were young, my Father bought a mare('Ginger')(became my Sister's horse) then bred her and then 'Victor'. I still have my/his saddle in my closet. His name was tooled into the top back edge of seat. I will tell you the story at a later time. What happened to Victor forever impacted me when loosing our pets.

I will chat later, but I'm again, glad you are doing better. Its nice to know when something works as such.

Whats so strange about this process we are going through, I personally have a guilt conscience whenever I prepare my meals. There is absolutely nothing exciting about 'eating' anymore. Then when I eat, its like I'm forcing the food down not enjoying each and every bite. Everything(work, projects around here) you have to force yourself to start it, let alone finish it.

Yes, make no mistake about it, Holy, Steffie, Schatszie and all of our beloved friends were literally attached to us. We lead them and they lead us.

Regards,

Earl

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is a very normal part of this deep grief journey when you share with us: "There is absolutely nothing exciting about 'eating' anymore. Then when I eat, its like I'm forcing the food down not enjoying each and every bite. Everything(work, projects around here) you have to force yourself to start it, let alone finish it." When we are in very deep grief, we go into what I call "automatic pilot" - - chores get done, bills get paid, jobs are done, errands are done, etc. - - but it is without "feeling" a part of the activity. It's like we are functioning on "remote control." Also, when we are in deep grief, our minds and bodies literally go into survival mode to cope with the stress of grieving - - which produces physical symptoms of lack of appetite, lack of concentration, lack of energy / enthusiasm, etc.. This is one of the many reasons why it is important to keep the stress levels as minimal as possible and to not make any life changing decisions until the stress of grieving hs eased - - unless the decisions are vital for survival / protection, etc..

I can also relate to what you share with us: "I still have my/his saddle in my closet. His name was tooled into the top back edge of seat." It was only until this past summer when I was able to donate several items to a local no kill shelter that belonged to several of my companions who have been with the angels for several years now - - things that could indeed help make another companion's life easier. I still have other items that I will never part with during the remainder of my earthly journey. Because we are still in the physical realm of this side of eternity we need the tangible things that we can see and touch that can keep alive the memories we share with our beloved companions who are with the angels.

I perfectly understand how the physical loss of your beloved Victor impacted your responses to the future losses of your beloved companions, Earl. I still remember the day my little "brother" kitty companion William Ferocious transitioned home to the angels, and why. I was a very young child and even then I felt like a part of me had gone with him. Willie had a brave spirit - - hence his middle name "Ferocious" - - for nothing dissuaded his curiosity - - and was always gentle with me. Unfortunately there was no such thing as grieving for the loss of a beloved companion, so I was alone in my grief, and no patience for it. It was not until my early adult years that my mom began to understand how much I hurt from that and how much it had affected me, and she grieved with me when my feline companion who had shared my teenage years went home to the angels. Even though our society still struggles with acknowledging the grief felt for a beloved companion, fortunately now clinical professionals recognize that the physical loss of a beloved companion does form the process of how a person copes with losses in the future.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's, and all of your beloved companions', sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Moon_Beam, "Unfortunately there was no such thing as grieving for the loss of a beloved companion, so I was alone in my grief, and no patience for it".......Yes are so right about this and I got to thinking back when I was young and all the funerals I attended on my Mother's Mother family. It was a large family. I NEVER saw anyone crying, never. As per myself growing up, when we lost a pet companion, we were not to grieve. Then when I lost Schatszie, my Mother made a comment to me that "I was being Morbid". Her comment hurt, hurt really bad, as if I was to move on. I believe I've even spoke of my Sister how she reacts when loosing a companion,....'I've NEVER seen her cry'. I must be like my Father's Father. He always buried his dogs in a wooden box and put a toomstone on their grave. I think he was a magician in hiding his emotions, for I know he always took it hard.

But it is so true that years ago, you didn't or you weren't allowed to grieve, especially after loosing your Pet Companion.

Moon_Beam, I didn't really feel like writing the full story about 'Victor' today, but I will in the next day or so. After reading it, I think you'll understand my inability to handle death like most and/or my 'morbidity', then not wanting to go through this again. I think that a human can sustain just so many major wounds. I admire your 'Old School' abilities to move forward, which were inherited from your generation. Without your generation for leadership, there really is no hope left for this country. As per my generation(60 yrs old), from what I see, there are only a few of us benevolent stagglers left.

It was good to hear from you, for, when I didn't hear from you yesterday, I thought something might have happened to you and Noah.

Hope you and Noah have a peaceful evening at home.

Regards,

Earl

Yes for a long time Holly slept on one side of my bed. I had to cut the legs off when she had cruciate surgery so she wouldn't hurt herself getting on.

She always rode in the front seat of my car with me round the farm while the others were in the back. I must say I lost a lot of interest in doing things after she was gone but with sheep to feed and other dogs to take care of and outside part time work I had to keep going although my heart was very heavy. People at work were quite good as they know I live for my dogs and they coped with the odd tear or two in the early days.

Yes a lot of ones daily activities holds such strong imprints of our beloved dogs that it can set you right back. Everything I do holds echoes of my Holly as does Steffie for you. She was my best friend, I don't think anyone knew me better than my dog. They also accept you unconditionally for who you are and you are their world.

So many memories of them are so etched in out life, I often feel guilty about all sorts of things. I know for me things will get better but it is hard work. My other dogs give me comfort but also remind me of what I have lost. However I don't think I could exist out here without dogs in my life. I have resigned myself to dealing with each of their loss as part of the joy they give me from their being in my life. I know I will have to go through this at least 6 more times and some will hurt more than others but they will all be hard.

Sounds like you must have had a very traumatic experience with Victor. I know it doesn't help much but that dream you had of Steffie was a gift. Maybe a gift from her to help ease the pain. I think our dogs would like to see us happy. I do hope you are able to find a way forward to find some peace from all this. I am struggling but I know I will get there in the end. I hope the same for you.

Moon_Beam brought up a subject that I guess I never thought about growing up, guess because I was somewhat 'programed'. No one grieved or didn't show signs years ago. As I told Moon_Beam, of all the family funerals and lost pets, no cried. To this day, my Parents have just now become somewhat 'Soft' but they still shed no tears. Not even my Sister.

Hearing you speak of Holly riding up front and sleeping next to you, I know these have been special areas to overcome in your grieving, and I'm sure like me, the mornings are the worst, for they still are for me. Talking about Holly being able to jump into your bed, reminds me at a couple of days there at the last for Steffie, when she was becoming weeker, one night she just HAD to show me that she was able to jump onto the bed by herself. She backed off to get a running start and made it. I commended her and patted her saying 'You Made It!" and she got the biggest smile on her face. When Schatszie was in her final days, I would have to lift her up onto the truck seat. The look on her face doing so was one of total embarressment. Dogs are very proud creatures, proud of their abilities on their own.

Yes, it was an extremely traumatic event loosing Victor. At some point I'll tell the story. No one in my family ever talked about it from day 1.

What gets me SummerHolly, and I'm being totally honest, I keep hearing about how one should think about all the good times, but it simply does not work for me. Interesting how certain things work for certain people or maybe their particular situation. I just fear that this is going to be a long, hard road ahead with not even a shed of light at the end of the tunnel for a long time. I wish against wish that I could show some form of positive like you real soon, but it just ain't happening. I DO NOT say this for personal sympathy from anyone. I wish I had Moon_Beams abilities to overcome.

Have a good day with all your buddies SummerHolly. I'm sure their smiles and wagging tails each morning when you wake, help you a great deal. They make you feel wanted, they want you to lead them, they need you. That in itself is a wonderful feeling.

Earl

No it doesnt work for everyone. My mother lost my dad her soul mate some 20 years ago now. We watched him battle with cancer and lose. She told me that from that day forward she basically lost interest in food and life in general and has battled depression ever since as he was her rock. I think it is myself and my sister that have kept her going.

She has missed dad from that day forward and although we talk about the good times we shared as a family she really cant take to much of it before she doesnt want to talk about it anymore as it always slides back to those last days.

It has been very difficult for her and I recognise that perhaps even more so after losing Holly. Even though I missed and dreamt about dad for many years, his coming to me in a dream like your Steffie seemed to help me and I was able to move past the grief eventually.

However she has coped and done many things, it just has been very hard for her. From what you are saying I suspect it is somewhat the same for you at the moment. My mother and I tend to have very different personalities and I think maybe therein lies the different ways people deal with grief and loss. I tend to be innately more positive than my mother about many things. Although perhaps not so much about the way the human race is heading which is why I like to stick to my farm surrounded by my dogs and nature, it gives me a lot of happiness as well as more than the odd headache!.

Yeah I cant really say anything to help you out because I know from experience it can go any way and when and if it will end I dont know. I just do understand the pain you are in and it is indeed a dark place.

And yes dog are indeed proud creatures Holly thought she was invincible even when her body was becoming frail and would attempt things really only suited to a younger stronger dog. Occassionally she would hurt herself and cry and I would hold her tight to me until she felt better. I loved the feel of her soft body and the trust she had in me to make her better.

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for your concern about my precious Noah and me. I shared most of Christmas day with my brother and his family who live in the next town, and so I take time to get Noah adjusted back to his normal routines, which limits my computer time until things are back to "normal."

I so do understand your lament to our forum friend SummerHolly when you say: "I just fear that this is going to be a long, hard road ahead with not even a shed of light at the end of the tunnel for a long time." Clinical professionals recognize that the first year of grieving the loss of a loved one - - whoever the life form - - is a "long, hard road" because it is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure - - and all the special events such as anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, vacations, etc.. It seems that every minute of every hour of every day is a constant grievous reminder that our beloved companion is no longer physically with us. It can indeed feel like there is "no light at the end of the tunnel". And as you commented in one of your recent posts, just when you think the worst is behind you then "something" - - a song, a memory, - - "something" happens that can throw us back into a cycle of deep grief again.

This is a normal part of the grief adjustment journey, Earl, but I promise you it will not always be like this. But for now - - and for as long as you need us - - please know we are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of your grief journey to share with you the not so bad days, the not so good days, and the days when your heart feels like it can no longer endure the deepest burden of your sorrow.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's, and all of your beloved companions', sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Good Morning Moon_Beam, Glad to hear you and Noah are doing fine. "and the days when your heart feels like it can no longer endure the deepest burden of your sorrow".......yesterday was one of those days. The mornings when I wake up are just pitiful. I am certain that most all others have the same problem with their 'mornings'. I'm getting very tired of 'faking it'.....putting on my 'public face' whenever I go out into the public. Then yesterday evening when I called my Parents, my Mother, bless her heart, asked how Steffie was doing. She loved Steffie very much as well as Steffie her. Alz is such a hideous disease. My Mother detected that my voice reflected unhappiness, and suggested that I needed to get another puppy. My Mother in particular has never shown signs of grievance. Although she meant well, her suggestion was not helpful.

Moon_Beam, I don't have much to say today. I guess I'm trying to 're-group'. I sometimes think I should have a visit with my Vet, hoping that she would say the words I need to hear. It seems that no matter all the battles I fought for Steffie's health, as well as her for her own, I'm still 'Lost' because I no longer have that young child to make well again. My 'Young Child' died before I did.

Hope you and Noah have a wonderful day and evening together. I envy your mornings when you awake with Noah. It 'IS' a grand feeling, is it not?

Regards,

Earl

I'm very, very sorry about your Dad, being taken at such a young age. You do not see a marriage like your Parents any more. I know that your Mother's depression wears on you and your Sister. Actually I never got married because I never found anyone whom could meet the standards. Standards of women like my Mother and Grandmothers. I finally threw in the towel after dead end relationships, and about the same time I had gotten Schatszie as a puppy.

With so much on your platter, Holly was your escape and/or solitude.

I don't know how your Mother has coped as such for such a long time.

For some time now, I've observed our society as one massive conglomeration of zombies. When Steffie was alive, it was water on the ducks back, and I went on down the road. But now, I just hate things more. I do not like most people and have become somewhat of a recluse. I can't tolerate the majority of TV shows. Maybe my Mother is right, .....maybe another older friend was right, when suggesting that I should get another puppy. Is their wisdom superior to mine?

I go by what my gut tells me. Like your Mother, my gut tells me that I will never have another dog like Steffie, let alone Schatszie. Steffie broke the mold for so many reasons and the way she did things. There is simply no way around this fact, and it would forever haunt me with a new friend. I would expect too much.

I personally am just so tired of hurting, with seemingly no relief seen up ahead. If only someone would come forth and supply the miracle anecdote. But, in reality, it doesn't exist.

I apologize for being so negative today. If only I could find a way to be 'positive' about 'something'.

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can very much understand how you're feeling when you share with us: "The mornings when I wake up are just pitiful." Waking up to the "new reality" that our beloved companion is no longer physically with us is indeed heartbreaking. When our companions are physically with us they literally become the center of our universe for they are totally dependent upon us for their every need physically, emotionally, and medically. Our routines revolve around their needs. When they precede us to the angels, we are now faced with the horrendously painful task of "re-inventing" our lives that no longer includes the needs of our beloved companion, and this is one of the many reasons why this grief adjustment journey is so very painful both emotionally and physically, and one of the many reasons why this journey can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.

I'm so sorry your Mother is challenged with Alzheimer's, and sorry you are having to cope with her insensitivity to your sorrow. Please know we are here for you to share whatever is in your heart - - whatever you feel comfortable sharing with us - - whenever you wish to share it with us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's, and all of your beloved companions', sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Earl, I too have had dead end relationships in my life and like my current life on my farm with my animals. I find dogs and a few close friends much more satisfying.
Holly was also a one off for me. I don't think I will ever love another dog as much as I loved her but I still enjoy the company of dogs far too much not to have them in my life. I currently have my youngest asleep on my foot as I write this.

I would never presume to tell you what you should do as I do not know you but I personally would be looking for another puppy. You still have many years ahead of you. Each dog has its own personality and we also influence the dog that they become.
Sure I have been comparing Holly to my other dogs but I will slowly get over that as I allow their personaiities to unfold. My youngest dog is particularly engaging, with a very quirky personality that I am really starting to enjoy.

I also get tired of hurting and my innate nature is to find something positive and for me having a dog or dogs in my life does that.

You have had two much loved dogs each with their own personalities and each bringing you much joy. I can't see why you couldn't love having another in your life. It sounds to me you are just plain miserable without one in your life. It will never devalue the memories of Schatszie or Steffie. My Holly will always burn brightly in my heart and I can never replace that amazing dog but I can love others and allow them to bring me joy.

Believe me when I say that I value your opinion very highly, just as I would Moon_Beam. I feel that there are many parallels with your's and my situation. I'm fully aware that I could never replace Steffie, as I knew I couldn't replace Schatszie when I got Steffie. I do know that Steffie brought many, many joys back into my life that were hidden in grief. As I have stated before, I do not think I will ever be able to shake Steffie only living to be only 9 yrs old, with only having her first three yrs of life with no medical issues.

I just read the present ongoing situation of the person's weimaraner 'Big'. The situation is an absolute carbon copy of Schatszie, except Schatszie quit eating. God, I feel so badly for them, especially due to the fact that Big is still eating. Unfortunately, the decision is centered around Big's 'Pride' and their inability to run, jump, etc., etc.. I feel this person's pain like it was happening to me and Schatszie in April of 2005.

Like you, I will know that things are getting better when I finally can wake up to a new morning without tears.

I Thank You SummerHolly for your wisdom at a time when you are hurting also.

Regards,

Earl

You know I like to to think that the dogs I have had in my life have been there for a reason. I have had a gentically incredibly fearful dog who was very hard work but taught me so much and in doing so completely changed the course of my life in her very short life. I also have 3 young working dogs I took in to save them from a bullet and all 3 have turned out great little workers for me, and also taught me so much.

Most of my dogs have come to me by circumstance including Holly. I ponder on how their lives would have been if they had not come to me and for some of these lovely sentinent creatures it would not have been good. So I help myself get through all this by focussing on this.

Your Steffie very likely would not have lasted to 9 years without you so you likely gave a very special dog a chance at a longer life than she might have got anywhere else. I know this is cold comfort but it is very real. You gave her something very special and she responded in turn with everything she had.

Yes the person with the Weim is having to make a very hard choice. I once had a 16 1/2 yo dog whose back legs had given way but was still eating. But she would look at me helplessly from her bed and I just knew that I had to end it. We spent a lovely morning together and the vet came to my house. That was so hard. I have also been through a very traumatic ending with one of my dogs due to a vet making a wrong call, still upsets me.

This is very hard for all of us. Like you, I will miss my girl for a very long time, I tear up often during the day especially thinking about her final days. I do know though that she had the best life ever as did your Steffie. Dogs do not know if they have lived 3 or 15 years, they live each day as it comes and as long as we are there with them they are as happy as they can be, even when their health isnt always as good as it could be.

Our job is to make sure they are as safe and loved as they can be and they will return that in spades. We have to shoulder the heartaches because we are the humans. But I always think of the safety and love I gave them, and that makes me happy.

I hope you too can take more and more comfort in the love and care you gave to your Steffie and you start to find some peace rather than be haunted by the unfairness of it.

"Dogs do not know if they have lived 3 or 15 years, they live each day as it comes and as long as we are there with them they are as happy as they can be, even when their health isnt always as good as it could be."....So very true Summer_Holly, so very, very true. There in lies the ruthless pain we sustain when they are gone. They never demanded a single, solitary thing. Guess thats why I finally gave up on the human race as a whole.

I will admit to you that I know deep inside me, that I can't survive without another 'Best Friend' in my life. I realize that there are so many horrible health issues that our Pets have to sustain, but, to me, CKF is absolutely insidious. A roller coaster ride direct from hell. I will never be able to be at peace thinking of Steffie's emaciated body in the end. Sure, I know, "Quit or don't think about it." Interesting, how do you not think about it when 'You Were There'.

Like so many of us of our generation, I've seen some horrible things in my life concerning dogs. Heartworm disease when there was no preventative. Then, today, people will not give it to their dogs!?? In my area!?? Theres a man that lives just down the road from me. College Graduate, married, big beautiful home, plenty of money in family. I do not know him personally. He drives a crew cab dodge truck with a flatbed(no side railings). He is ~in his late 40's-early 50's. He takes his dog with him while diving......his dog is free-standing on the flatbed. I've even seen him on the interstate at 70+ mph. Of course, there are no Texas laws preventing such, just for 'children'. I've seen this 'person' drive by here and his dog is standing on the very back edge of the flatbed. I have no reservations in telling you, that he should be found in a ditch somewhere face down.

Yes SummerHolly, Holly, Steffie, Shatszie, Victor And ALL of our Pets that we have had were blessed the day they came to us. I/You can go to bed and wake up knowing that we did our best to the very end.

Hi, Earl, as always thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I totally share your concerns for your neighbor's dog riding in the back of the truck without protection. Virginia is slowly coming into the realization that both companion animals and wildlife need protection from abusive humans, and there is a law that requires animals to be safely restrained while riding in the flatbeds of trucks. Just as a thought you might contact your local humane society / State representative to see what can be done in Texas. Perhaps this could be one way you could honor your beloved Steffie and Shatszie.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's, and all of your beloved companions', sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Moon_Beam, There is no animal control in my county, etc.. ASPCA in Houston will not claim any jurisdiction this far North. I had talked to my Vet concerning Tx Laws and she had confirmed what I already knew. It is assuring to know that Virginia is progressing with such. Yes, contacting a State Rep would be worthy, but my opinion on 'Any' politician is not good these days. I would have to have a lot of steam backing me......such as the ASPCA. My opinion of the ASPCA is not good, especially after recently seeing that their 'CEO' makes a very healthy 6-digit salary, not to mention that they are NOT a 'No-Kill' shelter. Never have quite understood how the ASPCA claims to be so benevolent, but, they are not a 'NO KILL'. Like everything these days, ...$$.

I guess I'm doing a tad better, but I still revisit March 2011 and why I didn't detect a UTI in Steffie. Next week, I'm requesting a call from my Vet to discuss it. I simply will not rest till I 'KNOW' what most likely was the cause of CKF. I suspect it was simply genetics or the UTI went 'Somehow' unnoticed too long. Yes, I know I should leave it in the past, but then, what about the knowledge aspect for the future? I was a science major in college. Its part of who I am 'To Know'.

I'm glad that you suggested 'Big's' Mom to contact her Vet for reassurance. I failed miserably to mention that to her, so she WILL NOT be left with any 'Direct Guilt' in her decision. As you know, a 'Good Vet' will wait as long as is best for a Pet, strictly so the Owner 'Will Not' hold themselves accountable. I feel so terribly sorry for her and Big.

Thank You Moon_Beam for all you do.

I hope you and Noah have a good evening together.

Regards,

Earl

Yes I do not understand how some people treat their pets. That is why I am glad my dogs came to me. I am not perfect but have always tried to keep them safe and loved. Yeah I am not particularly keen on people any more, which is why I live on a farm.

I can understand that you will never forget the toll that CKF took on your beloved Steffie. I wouldnt have either. The thing I hate about dog breeding is that there are so many irresponsible breeders out there who dont do the neccessary gentic tests and often in breed or line breed innapropriately. I myself have been caught with this with a dog with huge issues and she died before she was 3 but her short life was filled with surgery. It makes me mad because most of these genetic tests are available and affordable to breeders.

Unfortunately there are a lot of breeders who are just interested in the money and do things as cheaply as possible with scant regard to the puppies and their future owners. This is a huge bugbear of mine.

Apart from the odd working dog I rescue I now do a lot of research when getting a pup and insist on all the relevant genetic testing being in place and I also use my contacts within the dog world to check out breeders that are less than reputable. My dogs are mainly working bred these days form reputable working breeders where it is difficult to get away with health problems in their lines. My next working dog in a couple of years time when my current working dog are likely to be looking at retirement, is from a planned breeding from a friends bitch where all due care has been taken to do all the genetic health testing and scans, research into the lines of both dog and bitch and the puppies will be raised in the house, well socialised and cared for and placed in the right homes.

I am sorry you had to go through this with your Steffie, it really makes me mad when I see people breeding dogs with no care what so ever. Yourly lovely Steffie and you are the ones that pay the real price and already know what that price is.

You know maybe one day you will be able to welcome another friend into your life, I guess you just have to let it run its course and see how you feel further down the track when things are a little less raw. It is such a personal journey do to what feels right for you.

Yep, you are so right about a lot of breeders. Their cost are sky high now and they will cut corners. At the end of the day though, its all about money....profit. Theres no doubt in my mind that Steffie's problems were inherited. One of which was High Triglycerides. With all the expensive tests that were run, they never could find a cause. Gemfibrozil was given, but it had medium affects......her level was never in the normal range. Basically SummerHolly, I'm worn out.......beat to a pulp of worrying......fix.....worrying....fix, for six long years. You were right that Steffie wouldn't have lived as long as she did if it wasn't for my 24/7 watch over her.

As with you probably, I still will never understand WHY, WHY, ALL the negative things were dropping from the sky like bombs, when our Holly and Steffie were taking a turn for the worse. I will forever hate the month of October, let alone November. 'And Now'? No arrows being shot my way, none since Nov 17 when I said Goodbye to Steffie. Apparently we were being tested, but for what?

I recently went to the breeder's website where I got Steffie. She is still blowing and going, on the board here and there, showing off all her championship ribbons, etc., etc.. All about the $$.

Yes, call me greedy, if only I could have had Steffie another year, there is something magical when your pet reaches 10 yrs old. It must have been very hard on you when you lost your dog before 3 yrs old. Very, Very hard on you,.....something you never get over. That would be a death blow to me, period.

One thing that is etched in stone SummerHolly, with all the holistic home diets, over-vaccination, supplements, etc, etc, to supposedly keep our pets healthy, it doesn't hold water if the genetics are bad.

Regards,

Earl

Yes a family I know is having to euthanaise a loved 14 month old Rotweiller because after thousands of dollars worth of surgery to deal with elbow dysplasia, both her cruciates have now ruptured. Bad genetics and breeding practices is at the core of it all. I think they have shown that life expectancy of certain breeds has actually gone down. With all our improved knowledge I find that despicable.

Yes I know what you mean about the the magic age of 10. For my breeds it should be at least 12 or I feel ripped off.

I know how you would become worn down. I was starting to feel that way with my genetically compromised dog who reached 3. It was hard work with both elbow dysplasia and genetic temperament issues to deal with. Relentlessly ongoing. Not that I begrudged my dog that care, and I loved her but it shouldnt be like that.

Yeah lot of negative bombs for me also since the end of September and not really improving much. I dont know if we are being tested or it is just simply the natural order of life. There seem to have been a lot of really negative things happening world wide the last few months.

I guess I just try and take a positive view of it all as much as I can or I would do my head in. I went out today in a 50 acre paddock and did some herding training with my working dogs and watched the sunset over the hills. There is something magical about wide open spaces and working your dog under a red sky. I will scatter my beloved Holly's ashes along the creek that comes alive with wildflowers in Spring.

I find nature is very important in the healing process. Try and spoil yourself a little Earl. It is such an exhaustingly hard process this grieving and you need to look after yourself as much as you can as you have given so much of yourself. Not easy when all sorts of other stressful things are going on. Steffie and Holly were incredibly loved which is in its self a small miracle in the melting pot of life.

I know that Family is hurting very much, for who would think you would be going through such with a 14 month old puppy? After I finally found the courage to get another companion, Steffie, after losing Schatszie, if this would have happened to me, I would NEVER be able to be positive about anything.

I think that your creek area will be very colorful this Spring. I know that it will be hard for you to say a final goodbye to Holly with her ashes.

SummerHolly, I really don't what what it is to spoil myself. I do what I do because I have a conscience. I know that if I do not perform the correct way, I will have regrets. No, I'm not perfect, but I attempt to be 24/7.

I think our journeys with our beloved friends, especially as we get older, become one of immortalization. Then reality knocks upon your door one dark day. You can retemper a chisel time and time again, but, it has taken a toll on me this time. My soul literally went with Steffie on Nov 17. WE both thought we were immortals as time went by.

I will NEVER be able to sustain the pain again as I watched my Sweet Steffie's Body turn to a walking skeleton, and her not really realizing how critical things had become. Their desire to keep going, to survive is unmatched by any other power. You become that desire to survive, immortality. Then, when they are gone, you are simply powerless. You have no anchor, no roots. You just drift with the wind, trying to make sense of it all.

Actually, this time around 'For Me', my set of circumstances of not only with Steffie, but overall,......loosing Steffie left an unhealable wound. It would be the same if she would have been born with better genetics. I think once in your life, maybe twice as I was blessed with both Steffie and Schatszie, you are blessed with a pet companion that meets all your expectations and you both connect, knowing what is 'right' and what each other expects from the other. Total communication, love, respect, benevolence, kindness, etc..

I'm sure that you can relate to most of this with Holly. I'm afaid that this time around, time will not be the miracle cure as in the past.

SummerHolly, I admire your abilities, as with Moon_Beam, to be so courageous in seeking that glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

Earl to spoil yourself can be very simple and correct. A hike in an area of natural beauty, going for a surf, a day relaxing with a good book with your favourite food and music, learning to play a guitar. Might not be everyones idea of spoiling but I like the simple things in life, it is about taking time out to do stuff you love or perhaps learn something new.

Shortly after I lost Holly I saw that a woman who was expert in the art of yoga and meditation was coming to my nearest town to hold a day retreat, a very rare event out here. I thought that might have been a good thing to treat myself to and maybe to learn a few things I didnt know about that might help me, except I had just my fractured leg from doing sheep work so that wasnt going to work sadly.

I do understand what you are saying and I know as you get older, hey I am in my early fifties and the reality of mortality starts to stare you in the face, especially as friend and reletives start to pass. I thought Holly was immortal, I put it from my mind that she would be gone one day.

Yes Holly met all my expectations but then so did my first dog Jess another wonderful creature. Because of my situation with livestock and the farm I have a number of dogs so I have to work harder to know them all well. Holly was around when I only had one other, a dog I also loved, so we had a lot of opportunity to carve that bond.

I do feel that she is going to be difficult to match given my current situation, but I am just an overly optimistic type of person and am very much trying to explore the bonds I have with my other dogs and they are responding, so I just have to work with that.

Yes that sense of loss and having absolute no control or power when they leave you is truly horrible. That is really what plunged me into the depths. You do drift in the wind but me being me, tends to grab at anchors as I drift. That might be a sunset, or a pair of owls I see on a night walk or the full moon rising up over my wheatfields, my young dog smiling at me with love, my Border collie joyous when I take him to work sheep. I wasnt interested in anything when I first lost Holly but bit by bit it is coming back. I talk to Holly a lot too.

I am more an more starting to see Holly as a gift and we enriched each others lives, and that in it self must make me happy and be part of lifes journey. It is horrible that it is now gone but her legacy of who she was and the joy she bought me was worth having her in my life and funnily enough that makes my soul happy even though I can no longer feel her soft fur.

I hope you do start to heal Earl because I know well what a dark place it is after the loss of your precious dogs. If I was to personally dwell there too long I would become severely depressed which is why I have to find a way out. However know that I am always around to talk about this pain because it is very real and I understand well where you are.

"I am more an more starting to see Holly as a gift and we enriched each others lives, and that in it self must make me happy and be part of lifes journey. It is horrible that it is now gone but her legacy of who she was and the joy she bought me was worth having her in my life and funnily enough that makes my soul happy even though I can no longer feel her soft fur."........You are so right in 'Grabbing Hold of an anchor as you drift in Grief'. Oh, how I've tried in vain to 'grab ahold of something'.

Every since the March 2011 diagnosis and I was told Steffie's life would be cut short, everytime I hear someone say that their Pet is 12, 13, 14+ yrs old, my skin crawls, I want to run away, I can't tolerate hearing such. Why? Believe me, it's not jealousy,......its 'Severe Sorrow' and 'Envy'. 'Severe Sorrow' for Steffie.....She just doesn't deserve this. Even though CKF is prevalent out there, when it happens to your Dog, no one else seems to be going through it with their Pet, you are seemingly alone, totally abandoned.

Steffie's Parents were cleared of all the major things like hip dysplasia. This was 2005, and I cannot remember there being any DNA tests as per Renal. I'm not to sure that it is now included as a normal test by breeders outside you 'requesting the test'.. I can assure you though, in Steffie's name, if I or anyone else were to get a puppy from a breeder, there would be a DNA Test on the mutant gene of Renal Disease, in particular,....'Juvenile Renal Disease'.

SummerHolly, every since 2011 as well as after I said goodbye to Steffie, I haven't been able to 'shake-off' her living only to 9. I don't think I'll EVER shake it. It follows me wherever I go, 24/7. I've tried to acknowledge any and all positives of her 2nd chance extension of life, etc., but, it doesn't help. I understand that life's journey is not an interstate highway of no bumps.

In reality, as I stated in my first posting, "I saw something at the breeder's that I didn't like". As sad as it all turned out for Steffie, yes, as you have stated, as well as Moon_Beam, if it wasn't for me taking Steffie home that day at the breeder, she never would have lived past ~6 years old. Very few if any people would have spent the money or had the money to save/extend her life. I try SO DAMN HARD to CONCENTRATE on this FACT and it all goes back to 'She Didn't live long enough'. My Father has said many times since 2011 that the breeder should be taken out and hung. Well, he is right for all the pain and suffering she caused and most likely there are many other sad stories other than just Steffie from her litters. But, Again,...."I saw something I didn't like'.

At some point, I HAVE TO grab ahold of something, something that is positive in all of this.

"If Only Love Alone could have saved/cured our Holly and Steffie"....If Only.

Earl from my own personal experience and reading others I think this age thing is par for the course. I obsessed about losing Holly at age 14 for weeks. My other old dogs of the same breed lived till they were nearly 17 and 16 and a friend lost hers at 21. 14 seemed very young and I wasnt prepared for it. I fully expected her to live another couple of years. So when I see others living that long it cuts me up for my Holly.

Rich has just posted that his Percy was 10 and he fully expected another 2 or 3 years. Someone else lost their cat at 18 and was expecting 21 at least. I think it shocks us when we lose them younger than we expected. My own research has basically shown me that really anything from 6 onwards is likely.

What I have learned from this in regards to my other dogs is to appreciate them day by day and never expect that they are going to reach a certain age. It doesnt bother them as long as each day you are there for them.

Steffie doesnt know that she lived only to 9. She knows that each day you were there and that is all she wanted. I think we have to walk in their shoes. This is how I try and find peace. I wanted Holly to last a few more years but really she didnt know or care as long I was there in her life each day. I too wish love had been enough to save them, but it was enough for them in their lives. For me it teaches me to value time more. I know now that I could lose my dogs at any time so rather than have expectations I need to value them more in the present and try and let go of this concept of lifespan. I think this was what Holly helped me understand.

When one of my young dogs was going through the nightmare of elbow dysplasia which is very unpredictable and it was difficult to find anyone else going through similar issues. A friend of mine who I initially met on an orthopedic site started a yahoo group for dogs with ED. Quite a lot of people landed on the site from around the world seeking answers and information and I made some very good internet friends with ED dogs and it was nice to share their journeys. It would surprise me if there wasnt a similar support group for CKF. You certainly do need support from people travelling the same road with their dogs or you do feel very alone especially when it is serious.

Yes, there is no doubt that sometimes you go off course with life's ups and down and then realize how important it is to give full attention, day by day, to them.

I didn't mention yesterday, and I wouldn't disclose this to anyone except you or Moon_Beam, as well as on this site, but, like you with Holly, I talk to Steffie every night before I fall off to sleep. Whenever I leave here, I go to her grave and assure her 'I will be back'. Everytime I had planned to go to the store, etc., the next morning, just before we would go to sleep, I would tell her that we were going riding tomorrow AM. She woke the next AM knowing exactly what we were going to do. I think all dogs love to go riding in a vehicle. Whenever I wouldn't be able to take her with me, which was very seldom, I would assure her that I would be back and to 'Stay Here'. Then there was your return home and the Grand Welcoming-Back celebration at the gate. Unconditional love at it's finest.

Nothing beats the sight of your beloved companion eating each of their meals with zest and pleasure, then they exhibit 'Thank Yous' after they finish. It is a horrible feeling when that day doesn't occur.

Ah yes I talk to Holly often when I am around my farm. I tell her I love her and wont forget her all the time. I think it is totally healthy to talk to Steffie and Holly. I hope they are listening!

Dogs do love riding in cars and Holly was no exception and she always got the choice spot. Love the return home too. Holly was always first to greet me, barging the others out of the way. Yes meal times always brings a lump to my throat when preparing it for my other dogs. Holly always got hers first and was always super enthusiastic.

So many things that we miss about them.

Hi, Earl, stopping by to say hello and let you know you're in my thoughts and prayers as you continue your grief adjustment journey. Like you and SummerHolly, I too talk to my beloved companions for it is comforting for me to lift my voice heavenward where I know they continue to listen as they did when they were physically with me.

I smile when I read your, and SummerHolly's, posts sharing your memories of your beloved Schatszie and Steffie, and SummerHolly's Holly. I can so relate to your experiences with your precious companions enjoying their travel / errand time with you. If I may share with you one of my memories of my beloved Black Lab Oslo. Oslo enjoyed a distinguished career as a Special Needs Service Partner for someone who had both physical and vision challenges. When he retired from this and I was chosen to adopt him from Guiding Eyes for the Blind in upState New York he enjoyed a second career as a Therapy Partner pioneering an Animal Assisted Visiting Program in his community with the local hospital and several long term care facilities. On the days he visited patients in the local hospital he would accompany me to work so that we could make our visits after my work hours. He KNEW the days he was to go with me to work and the days he would go visiting at other facilities after I got home from work. When he had to retire from this activity due to his age and medical challenges, he still would get that "look" in his eyes and face on the days he "remembered" he used to go visiting. For about 3 years I continued to keep the mattress that he would settle down on in the back of the van because I just couldn't bear to remove it. Finally this past summer I was able to take the mattress along with other items to the local no kill shelter knowing that some other precious companion could benefit from the items.

I know so very well from first hand experience how very excruciatingly painful it is adjusting to the physical absence of our beloved companions who are now with the angels. What helps me even now as I'm writing to you is knowing that each of my companions are always and forever a heartbeat close to me wherever I go and whatever I do. I hope in time you, and SummerHolly, will also find this comfort.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Schatszie's and Steffie's, and all of your beloved companions', sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

It's been my observation for years now, that women seem to somehow pull through or handle their grievance much better than men, in regards to loosing a pet, let alone a human companion.. Of course, I'm referring to those individuals that are eligible, those that have a conscience. It could be that women are masters at hiding their grief.

I had a person email me via private message on this site. I replied back to her but haven't heard anything. Her beloved dog had passed ~1 year ago, and she is still trying to regroup. Her profession, etc, etc, created a scenario of massive grief when her companion passed. Her dog was literally the 'Only Sane Thing' in her life. Oh, how I could feel her pain, in a very direct way.

I know myself very well. I know my limitations. 'I Know' that my mornings will 'Never' be the same, ever again. As we discussed, me, myself, I have mortality staring me in the face, even though my health is excellent. I managed to eventually crawl out of the pit after loosing Schatszie, and I was younger. But now, older,......and what Steffie and I shared together, my wounds will never heal. Certain people can be wounded so many times. I am simply one of those people.

If I was as wealthy as a Bill Gates, etc., I would, without exception, create the worlds largest 'NO KILL SHELTER(s)',......NO CEO.......NO 6-Digit Salaries. It wouldn't be about money, it would be about saving the lives of countless animals. Donations would pour through the roof.

I think it very much depends. Men I know can go either way. Move on very quickly without a backward glance or take it very hard.

My dogs are also my anchor in this life which is why I couldnt be without one. I know I can give them a safe haven and 3 of them are rescues. I also regonise limitations in myself and try and push through them, that is just who I am. I try and look outside myself for positive ways to move forward.

When Holly died I made a donation in her name to the no kill rescue organisation where 3 of my dogs have come from, saved from a bullet, and plan to continue doing so as resources allow. This is my motivation, to not only have the companionship of dogs but also to give them safe haven and of course I couldnt run my farm without them.

There is currently a wonderful story from a woman who founded and heads up a big rescue organisation. A woman called Julie lost her very special dog who was also blind. A traumatised blind dog of the same breed came into a local pound, picked up by animal control.

He had been living wild and was a right mess, in constant pain, absolutely terrified and likely abused. There was a mad scramble from his breed rescue networks to pull him from certain death. Julie pulled him immediately and with kind donations got him fixed up and out of pain and gradually gained the trust of this terrified dog in a beautiful way for the next 3 years. He recently passed from cancer and she is immediately set to take on another special needs dog. She feels it honours her original special needs dog that she loved so much. Her way of dealing with grief.

So the way my mind works is to hold all my dogs that have passed tightly in my heart. I remember each one and the day that I lost each of them. I still shed a tear for all of them even years later and that is how it should be. However to keep me sane in this life I need to keep giving safe haven to dogs.

I tend to be a practical person and although I grieve for ever for each dog I cant let it sink me, I need to keep moving forward and honour them in the only way I know how to and that is to keep offering my love and safe haven to others. I kind of feel it is part of my purpose.

So yes each passing wounds me. Holly's loss was particularly wounding probably because I am older, but I am still driven forward to do what I can for dogs in my own small way. It does break my heart but for me it is really all about the dogs and I know they are happy with me for how ever long I have them.

I think Holly's gift was to cement this in me.

I am with you on the no kill shelter. I would also add that I would spend a lot of money on education of people about owning and caring for dogs and cats. Shelters no matter how good are still very traumatising places and some special needs dogs languish in them for years. Many dogs are there because they were innapropriately bred, people got the wrong breed, had no idea how to train them, the animal got sick, they wanted to go on holiday, the animal got pregnant, the reasons are often gobsmacking.

You are a good person Earl and you gave safe haven and love to your dogs. I think this is always a measure of someones character. I hope you can find a way through this. I think these conversations are great, for me it helps to talk about loss. It helps me clarify in mind the way forward. I hope it does the same for you.

Yes it helps very much to 'talk'. I'm so glad you are able to find a 'Way Point', a Goal to reach as per finding peace. You remind me of my Sister.

SummerHolly, I wish I could find a 'Way Point', I search for one daily, but to no avail. I don't think I will ever find peace in accepting that Steffie lived only 9 years. Our bond became too strong from all the ups and downs. I don't mean this, but for some time now, I keep thinking if I would just die and get it over with. Nothing is easy being an introvert.

Theres no doubt that there are MANY people out there that should NOT have pets. With the 6 friends I grew up with, not one of them had a family pet. I always found that sad. The animal shelters have probably seen it all, as per why so many shouldn't have pets, most of which goes back to their childhood/family. Thats why, probably, most shelters have a strict screening process BEFORE they allow adoption.

I've NEVER had a Pet with so many medical issues like Steffie. I'm thankful that they weren't surgical related, but a death sentence of CKF over an extended agonizing period does things to you, to your SOUL. It creates damage deep within. Just like her high triglyceride problem, they never could find the cause. Then she had lower respiratory issues, but that FINALLY cleared after NUMEROUS trips to the Vet. Then she had hair folicles growing down on the bottom edge of her eye lids, which in turn, off and on, irritated her corneas. Yes, it was obviously Genetics, but how in the hell could Steffie be so unlucky? It eats at me daily. Its not that she lived a miserable life, not the case at all. She lived a good life, considering everything. She simply didn't deserve all of what she lived with. She was just too sweet and benevolent to have had all these issues, and I will forever feel like 'Why Her'? Now you can understand my feelings on the breeder. Its on my agenda to email the breeder. Call it revenge if you like. No animal should go through what Steffie went through. Not because of the owner, or the environment in which the dog was raised, but because of greed and to disregard the potential health risks of 'New Lives'.

Sorry SummerHolly, its been one of those days for me. I hope you had a peaceful one.

No being an introvert is not always easy, you have to look deep inside yourself to find a way forward. I look for it in nature and wide open spaces and my animals. Without my animals I could not be happy.

Yes it is not fair that Steffie had to deal with all those issues. Holly too was a sweet, pure spirit and I hated to ever see her in pain. She had 2 major surgeries but was always an upbeat dog. I can understand how the continual issues that Steffie had would be heartbreaking for you. I thankfully didnt have that with Holly.

I can also understand why you would feel why her. I obviously didnt know Steffie but I have found that dogs are remarkably resilient and they obviously dont ponder on these things as we do. They just live their lives as best they can and having a person who cares deeply for them is often all they need to be happy. I think you will always feel "Why Her" because you are human and you loved her.

Glad you will email the breeder. Anything that may reduce the chances of another dog and owner going through the same heartache. I did the same with my elbow dysplastic dog along with the owner of a related dog with the same issue from the same breeder, unfortunately the breeder denied it had anything to do with her dogs and my dog's sisters were used in her breeding program. Grr, we even reported it to the main governing body of the pedigree breeders, to no avail, although they have responded with certain breeds because of the number of complaints and for some breeds certain genetic testing is now compulsory.

My first dog had ongoing skin issues until finally towards the end of her life they come up with a new medication that was fantastic for her. I sometimes catch myself thinking about how great it would have been to have had that all her life. It didnt shorten her life just made her uncomfortable at times.

I think Earl that although it is hard, there will come a time where you should probably try and focus on all that was good in Steffies life. The negative bits always bring one down and we seem naturally drawn to agonise over them. They are a one way street to sadness and this is never productive as it is something we cannot change, no matter how much we wish we could.

I still do the same with my past dogs. However I am trying really hard now to focus on the good. I look at photos and videos of my Holly and my other dogs I have lost and I like the ones that make me smile about them.

It is not easy to do this but it is my current journey to try and deal with this. It is often not possible early in the grieving process, but I am finding it gets easier with time for me. But I did have to try and let go a little of all the guilt I felt over not recognising that Holly was so sick till near the end. I often tell her out loud that I am sorry.

I also felt like dying to get over it, I missed my Holly so much. However I have my other dogs to think about and I just kept working my way through it trying to find a way forward. To do this I just had to let go of agonising over some of the unproductive stuff.

I know it is hard.

Yes SummerHolly, I daily tell Steffie 'I'm Sorry'......'I did all I could do'....., usually when I go to bed and in the morning as I go to the refrigerator door and see her picture(s).

On the window ledge above the kitchen sink is still a set of tweezers. I used it to remove the dried mucous excretions from her nostrils(the secondary infection in her throat, etc) the last 4-5 days. For some reason I refuse to put them away, out of sight. I also haven't put away the remaining container of Epakitin, sitting on the kitchen countertop, that I gave her for 3.5 years. I put away all the other medications, but not these two items.

I know it doesn't help, because our relationships with Holly and Steffie were ones of immortality. As I've suggested to you before, never loose sight of the fact that you had 14 loving years with Holly. I lived for 3.5 years on pins and needles not knowing when Steffie would leave me. That was no way to live except Steffie wasn't aware of it.

My Father got a Blue Tick Hound from a local No Kill shelter back in 1997....Blue. Blue was ~1 year old at the time and when my Father took him to Vet to get checked, Blue had Heartworms. Blue survived the treatment and lived to 15. When Steffie passed, my Father couldn't really understand the major difference in grief between Blue and Steffie. Even though I told my Father he was blessed with 15 years and Steffie with only 9, he just didn't see any difference. Here again, this site is really your only outlet to talk and discuss.

I hope you have a good day Summerholly.