I have a lot of photos of Holly around and a candle I sometimes light. I particularly like the photos that capture the essence of her that I loved, I did various dog sports with her so I have some awesome photos of her and me working as a team.

Her supplements and medications are still around because my next oldest dog has the same medications. I actually find that hard especially as I just ordered a new supplement specifically for her.

I know where you are coming from with the age situation but I did lose a dog I loved at less than 3 yo and it feels much the same, although I think Holly hit me a lot harder because she had been in my life for more than a quarter of it and I knew her so well. It almost seems unreal that she is gone, no matter how much I tell myself I had her for 14 years, I expected more.

I think this age thing seems to be the aspect we struggle with most. It is the one that I am trying hard to let go as I have other dogs coming up behind Holly that I could lose at any age. I have a lot of deadly snakes out here and am too far away from vet help for a dog to survive a bite. It is a 3 hour drive for me to get any form of vet help in an emergency. I am very careful but I have had some close calls.

I am now trying to focus on the fact that a dog is not aware of how long he or she lives. It is all about quality, time and age is purely something that tears us up.

The whole thing is very hard and we each have to try and find a way through. I think about Holly everyday but I think I am getting much better at putting aside the thoughts that bring me down and thinking more about the ones that make smile.

Hope you are doing better although it sounds like you having a really hard time trying to find a way through all this.

As per the age aspect, I'm just trying to form an anchor for you. Me, I'm a hopeless case. I simply will not accept that Steffie is gone forever, as sad as it is to think like that. I just feel I have unfinished business in taking care of her.

I hope your mornings are getting a wee better. I'll assume that thats the most trying part of your day. It is mine. I just look forward to going to sleep, but I toss and turn most of the night.

I sure wish I could do what you do and think about the goodtimes with a smile. Interesting,....When I do, it defaults back to 'Steffie's Gone'.

Yes I understand and have tried to form that anchor with age too but in the end I have had to let that go as my other dogs lived quite a bit longer and I keep asking why not Holly. I wanted her for ever.

I feel terrible that I didnt pick up the subtle signs that Holly was sick. I feel cheated out of saying goodbye properly or being able to help her. I was totally blind sided by what unfolded in a very short space of time. I simply didnt see it coming.

Yes the mornings are the worst, I would wake up very early and play the events that unfolded scene by scene untill I thought I was going to go mad. I guess I just know that is not healthy. I just coulldnt keep doing that, seeing the fear and confusion in her eyes when she could hardly breathe, looking to me to help her which I couldnt. I trawled the internet, I exhausted every scenario about how I could have helped, what I did wrong and what type of cancer it was etc. etc. I basically got it all out there till I was exhausted. Then I knew I had to move forward.

I had to realise that there is nothing I can do now because it is done. I now have to concentrate on what a great life she and I had together. She is the only one of my dogs that shares an important watershed time in my life which made losing her all the more painful along with her sweet trusting personaility.

I make myself try not to dwell on those last few days and losing her anymore, and by doing that I am feeling like I am moving forward. I also have my other dogs, so unlike you I do have them to focus on. I am determined to learn lessons from Holly and move forward in my relationship with them.

There will never be another Holly but I am positive about having fun with my other dogs. I hug them all much more now.

I am not sure how to help find your anchor in your loss of Steffie. You have a lot of work still do do in coming to terms with her age and that unfinished business of caring or her. I think it will either try and consume you or one day you will start to adjust and think more about what an amazing dog she was in your life and celebrate that.

There is nothing easy about any of this. I had to totally torture myself and exhaust myself in my quest for answers and what ifs, before I just couldnt do it any more and had to move on.

We will always miss them and shed a tear for them even down the years, but I believe that I can't go on being consumed by it. Holly would want me to be happy and to take could care of my other dogs and enjoy them.

I haven't written/emailed the breeder yet. I will shortly. The woman deserves to be punished by some means. I've come to the conclusion that dealing with ANY breeder 'Now' as compared to the past is 'risky', 'very risky'. Never in my life have I had or seen a dog with so many back to back problems like Steffie. It was just so damn sad to see her get so tired of pills being shoved down her throat. Steffie wasn't easy to deal with as per any form of administration of such. She would pick out most vitamins, like vitamin E out of food, etc.. You couldn't just put anything in her food and expect her to eat it.

The breeders have ALWAYS been in it for the $$, nothing else. 'NOW', the Vets are eating into their expected profits. I think they would do almost anything now to preserve their profits. 'ANYTHING', and thats 'Sick', if not criminal.

SummerHolly, I will never be able to get it out of my mind watching Steffie deteriorate to a walking skeleton, her stomach sounds/nausea waking me up at nights, even with medications, and even way before her kidney failure went to stage 4. I could go on and on. For 6 years of never really getting the high triglyceride problem to normal range. Yes, it consumed me. Yes, I need to move forward. As I said, the wounds are very deep and deep anger for sometime now. It has totally destroyed 'Any' desire to 'Ever' get another 'Puppy', in fear of this happening again. As I said originally, CKF leaves total devistation in it's wake. It destroys and devours all that is or was good. It has the potential to bankrupt the owner. You walk on pins and needles 24/7 days, months, years not ever truly knowing WHEN the end is near, until it hits. Yes, there is cancer, etc., that is horrible, but, none can hold a candle to CKF. No, my head won't explode as per trying to move forward. At some point, like you said, you have no choice. But, CKF wounds never heal.

For some time now I've seen a small abandoned dog that hangs out at the Home Depot/Tractor Supply store locations. He looks healthy and no weight loss. He just roams around the parking lots with no place to go. Always moving. I suspect someone is feeding him, but with it being so cold now, I figure he hardly ever sleeps, but instead moving to keep warm. I saw him in the Home Depot parking lot this AM, and I stopped and got out to see if he would come to me. He wanted to but didn't. I'm sure he trusts no one. I usually keep some spare dog food in my trunk but I was out. This particular scenario is really sad. Theres a lot of pain out there you never see, but when you see it, it hits hard.

Have you ever thought of becoming a foster carer - provide safe haven untill a suitable owner can be found? or even taking on a rescue dog? So many dogs in need. I have 3 myself all working line dogs that were facing the bullet.

Your stray is certainly no exception. One feels sorry for them because they probably have so much love to give but have been denied that by circumstance and unpleasant humans.

Yes the struggle with CKF sounds pretty dire. So many so called breeders chasing the almighty dollar. A good friend of mine who was a specialist vet tells me that breeders have a lot to answer for.

She was always trying to fix up problems that were a result of poor breeding practices although she said the breeders nearly always blamed the owners, very few accepted any responsibility. She got really tired of it. She ended up herself with the occassional special needs dog or cat where it was going to be impossible for the owner to care for them, but they had a wonderful personality and she was in the position to give the specialist care they needed.

Very sad really. Dogs are certainly not being bred with longevity as a breeding criteria either.

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can certainly understand your intense anger about what happened to your beloved Steffie. Several years ago I experienced a life-changing traumatic event which not only permanently affects me to my last breath on this side of eternity but also resulted in the physical death of my mom. The individual responsible for this tragedy was legally released of all responsibility, and I still struggle with the anger from time to time as there was no legal appeal process - - the judge's decision was final.

I have learned in my earthly journey that there are specific life changing events we experience that leave a permanent impression on us. It is inevitably up to us to decide how we respond to these experiences - - if we choose to become embittered by them or if we choose to try to find a way to bring something "positive" - - however limited that "positive" may be - - out of the negative. Sometimes it is a part of the lifetime "new normal" adjustment journey rather than a "short-term" resolution.

If I may make a suggestion about contacting the breeder: Instead of contacting the breeder, perhaps you may want to contact the breed specific AKC headquarters division in your area / State / region. If she is not an AKC approved breeder, but is a licensed breeder - - then you might consider contacting the State breeder licensing organization. These organizations can begin an investigation into her methods of breeding - - if she is "inbreeding", etc.. They will do an on-site inspection of her premises, etc.. While she may inevitably continue to advertise herself as a breeder, she could lose her license and accreditation - - which could leave her prone to lawsuits for improper breeding and could eventually lead to her losing her business. It's just a thought.

I can relate to how you feel about the effects of CKF as many, many years ago a feline companion succumbed to CKF after 2 years of initial diagnosis. Back then the veterinary care provider blamed me for not recognizing the symptoms earlier and threatened to take her away from me. I was already devastated and my mom was furious with the veterinarian. There was another veterinary physician in the practice that spoke with my mom and me when we went to pick her up from hospital. My mom confronted him with what the other veterinarian had said, and he told us both that neither of us was responsible - - that the symptoms were not obvious until they did a blood panel check on her. For the last two years of our companion's life she was under the care of this compassionate veterinary care provider who took the time to thoroughly explain what care she needed at home and the follow up care she needed from him. And he stood with us when it was time to release our companion from her frail, failing, painful physical body.

Earl, please know that what you are going through is very normal deep grief and anger about how your beloved Steffie suffered from her medical challenges. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Schatszie's and Steffie's, and all of your beloved companions', sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moon-beam I could tell a similar story about the death of my dad from some of the most incredible incompetence ever. My mother in particular still bears those scars. The anger is very difficult to deal with and it was impossible to get any justice at all over what happened. Neither of us can talk about it still even years later.

As to the vet who tried to blame you for missing the signs, all I can say is WOW. We are not trained vets, the majority of us miss the subtle and not so subtle signs, even vets and doctors do.

SummerHolly, I'm going to give a dual reply to Moon_Beam for both of you. Hope this is OK with you, that I'm not forgetting you.

Moon_Beam, I really can't put into words how badly I feel for you living with the wrong doing of your Mother, leaving with you no place to turn, because of the 'System'. Yes, as you have said, as well as SummerHolly, as a result in moving forward, there is a choice for the 'positive' or 'negative'. In reality in not trying to fool ourselves, there is truly never any 'positive', there is only 'negative'. Someway, somehow you attempt to 'live with it', but you are forever wounded.

Incompetence is rampant with bot Medical and Vet Doctors. In my whole lif, I've NEVER had a Doctor tell me the importance of 'WASHING MY HANDS'. ANYONE with any sense knows the extreme importance in dodging medical upsets via washing your hands. Take Vets for instance, Other than possibly Holistic Vets, I've NEVER had a standard Vet tell me about 'Titers', Titering your pet AFTER their initial vaccinations, to avoid further unneeded Vaccs. I've come to the conclusion that there is a basic elementary REASON that neither Doctors ever tell you this.....$$$$$$$$$. Yes, I know I keep beating my drum about the greed thing, but, it is the absolute truth. It has nothing to do with incompetence. It is imperative that a person, whether they are a patient, or the owner of a Pet 'KNOW SOMETHING'.....'ASK QUESTIONS',.......'REASEARCH'. The 'System' is not fair out there, never has been. Even my previous statements saying that if you wanted to get 'directly' to the bottom of what is wrong with your Pet, go to the clinic of a Teaching Vet University. Yes, this isn't possible for so many people for many reasons, BUT, if you have one close, GO THERE. In the long run, you would have spent less than being bled by your local Vet. This of course, is having to do with a problem that you have to know requires such, or that you feel that 'Isn't Going Away' with your Local Vet's treatment.

BUT, having said all this GOOD about going to the University Clinic, THEY have NEVER mentioned 'TITERS', and when they ask me if my pet is UP on all Vaccinations, I tell them yes, they had their initial Vaccs but 'I Titer'. They say nothing in response, there is silence, as if, how do I know about that top secret area. It's the 'System'.....it's rotten to the core and we or our Pets pay the ultimate price eventually. My Father wouldn't be alive right now if he and my Mother decided to move to where my Sister is located in San Antonio. I had been taking care of them since 3-2008, and they moved in 4-2014. It turned out that his care here was bass ackwards, but it was hard to deal with my Father. He never has questioned his medical care.

As per writing the breeder vs. AKC, etc., if she is licensed. Thanks Moon_Beam for the pointer. In 2012 Tx passed the 'The Dog or Cat Breeders Act', and it was co-written by the AKC. As you would expect, it has a HUGE escape hole(s) in it that allows most breeders to escape licensing. Well, what would you expect with all the AKC and Dog Club lobbyists controlling the write-up.....$$$$$$$$. In the act, the guidelines, You have to be licensed if you are producing 20+ puppies in a given year, and, you have 11 or 12 male and female intact dogs on site. Basically, the 'Act' is a joke. No, my breeder is not licensed. The only possible recourse is to write AKC and include with that letter every single copy of my 2.5 inch thick stack of Vet Bills with Steffie. Actually, I like the idea of writing the Breeder, then CCing it to AKC, Weimaraner Club of America, and ALL the other organizations she is affiliated with.

This AM was a bad morning for me, and I don't say this for sympathy, for I know I'm among friends here. My mornings are hot & cold, but, I woke up thinking about how I used to grab Steffie's rear legs and say "Look at those Muscles!" She would stick her leg out stiff as I did that and have this big smile on her face. Then this AM as I thought about that, I then thought about her pooe emaciated back legs with just skin wrapped around bone. Jesus Christ I worshipped her, and she me, and I've NO ONE to discuss such with, except here at this sight. Moon_Beam, SummerHolly, if you two only truly knew how truly grateful I am to have had your company with all of this. Somehow, I hope I have contributed to you.

Moon_Beam, I hope you and Noah have a peaceful day, and SummerHolly, you as well.

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I'm glad you found my suggestion helpful about writing letters to the AKC, which offered you inspiration about other organizations you could write to as well. It helps work through the grief journey when we feel we can "do something" that will honor our beloved companion's experience.

Earl, please understand that when I say we ultimately have a choice in choosing a "positive" or a "negative" response to our experiences, I do not say that glibly - - for I know so well that we cannot ever forget the horrific experiences we - - and our beloved companions - - have. In your efforts to try to "do something" that will honor your beloved Steffie - - and perhaps eventually help other companions who are adopted from the breeder - - you are trying to do something "positive" - - and your beloved Steffie is so proud of you for this. There are experiences we have in this earthly journey that cut to the core of who we are, what we used to be, and changes us forever. Please believe me when I say that I know trying to work toward a "positive" respose from that point forward is a life time journey - - one that is filled with many ups and downs, trials and errors in the effort to achieve a "positive" response. Because of the permanent effects of PTSD with the traumatic event several years ago, even to this day I do know what it is like to wake up in the morning and ask "where and how do I go from here". With the help of a very wise and compassionate professional counselor who helped me through a time of very dark depression, I know that each day of trying to live it as best I can is a victory for me, and I am thankful for the blessings each day brings.

I truly wish there were some words I could say that could take the horrible pain in your heart from you, Earl, but even if this isn't possible I hope the words I share with you can offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope in your grief adjustment journey.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Schatszie's and Steffie's, and all of your beloved companions', sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Moon_Beam, Make no mistake, your words of wisdom have been very helpful to me. I've looked forward to each day communicating with you as well as SummerHolly.

Stange as it is Moon_Beam, I have zero desire to talk to anyone except my Parents. I really have nothing to talk about. Only here, with you and SummerHolly do I feel free to talk, but anyone else, I feel as if I have to put on that 'Public Face' and be somebody else. It's not as if I'm depressed, its more like I'm saddened and nothing really has any significance. I eat and cleanup behind myself, etc.. Strange thing though, I've never had a drinking problem. Just a social drinker, taking in a beer here and there, especially in the summertime. Every since mid October when Steffie was loosing weight, I haven't had one beer, etc., and still do not have a taste for it or any alcohol. I sometimes wonder if my mornings will ever go back to normal, like what you were going through after your Mom passed.

For sometime now I've been needing to replace my pole that I have a guard light mounted on here. I spent the first part of this week completing that project, but the whole time I was doing the work there was just no enthusiasm on my part. I didn't hate the work while doing it, it was more like I was a robot. Strange to explain.

I was thinking today about your unfortunate encounter years ago with the Vet that threatened to take your companion from you. When I had first read this the other day, my first thought was that the Vet was trying to put a guilt trip on you, because he knew he had misdiagnosed previous signs/indications of CKF, whereby he was protecting himself from any potential legal problems. I have never heard of anything so outlandish in my life.

Well, I hope you and Noah had a wonderful day, and evening together as well.

Hi Earl, yes I understand what you mean about the positive and negative choices. Yes you are always wounded from loss, I know that feeling well. However I believe that you can choose to move forward in a positive way. After the loss of my 3yo dog, I took everything that I had learned in dealing with her issues and made some radical changes in my life. I could say that she changed the course of my life. I am who I am today because of the influences that each of my dogs have had on my life. I hopefully will continue to allow my dogs to help shape my life for the better.

Yes every morning if Holly was still in bed I would bend down and run my hand over her sweet soft body and she would give a huge stretch with the biggest grin on her face indicating to me how safe and loved she felt. I miss that so much.

Yesterday I spent quite a few hours backing up all the video I have of her and my other past dogs to make sure I always have a copy. I spent a few hours watching my sweet dogs as well. I lie in bed and picture in my mind the special moments I had with them. I try very hard to focus on these and it becomes easier with time. I try and use these memories to replace the terrible days and moments I had with them all leading up to their deaths.

I also intend to donate when I can to a shelter that does some awesome work rescuing and rehoming dogs.

Yes your comments on finding a teaching hospital are well founded. My friend who was a registrar at a big teaching hospital told me to go straight to where they have the equipment and specialists or you can spend a lot of money on tests only to be referred on eventually often having to start from scratch. For potentially serious or orthopedic situations I get a referral from my friend who is retired but still has her vet licence and straight to a surgeon I know and trust.

I have found these conversations with Moonbeam and yourself very much a life line in dealing with the loss of my Holly. It is great to be able to say how you are feeling over a period of tiem to people who dont get fed up with you or just think you are slightly crazy for making such a fuss over a dog. We didnt know each others dogs or cats but we do understand how deep the feelings for our special animals run and we share that knowledge.

I believe that there are ~500 genetic defects today in purebred dogs that affect the quality of life and longevity of them. Just like the AKC co-writing that 2012 Texas 'The Dog and Cat Breeders Act'. The problem with politicians, they are at a deadend in their lives, with no place to go, so they get into politics. Then they find themselves bored and pass laws that don't 'Go All The Way'. Their laws ALWAYS leaves an escape hatch for the wealthy. As per the AKC, one wouldn't really think their organization would allow their breeders to be handcuffed would you? $$$

The AKC, etc, could care less whether the breeder is doing in or linebreeding. They just want those new puppy registration funds coming in steadily. The AKC could EASILY and QUICKLY 'END' this insane in and linebreeding by not allowing any registration of such. Other than people like Moon_Beam, you and I, does anyone else really actually care about the health, longevity and wellbeing of our pets? Not really, ....there just a dog or cat....an animal with no soul, etc..

As I told Moon_Beam, other than this site, with you and him, I have nothing to discuss with anyone else. I can talk to my Parents/Sister about pets, etc., but seemingly no one else, either because they aren't really, truly animal lovers, or they don't look at a pet the way we do, as if their pet is just something hanging on their key chain. Never have understood WHY people like that have a pet. Beats the hell out of me.

Hope your days are getting better SummerHolly.

Hi Earl,

I think the problem is that anybody can breed showline dogs. You just need to register a prefix and buy a couple of pedigree dogs and off you go. There are some rules where I am, regarding having to do genetic tests on breeds where there has been a lot of written complaints which as forced the kennel club to take action. These include breeds like Rotttwiellers, labradors and other popular at risk dogs.

In terms of inbreeding, in working dogs this is sometimes used by knowledgeable working breeders to fix certain working traits and is a valuable tool. However the same breeders are not adverse to say mixing in a little bit of kelpie into their Border collies if the it strengthens the working line. They have their own working breed registers which have nothing to do with AKC style registers.

Above all the dogs on working registers have to be physically strong and sound or are culled quickly from any breeding program, the best breeders generally sell to stockmen and their reputation hangs on the quality and health of their dogs. Some working breeds registers can be quite difficult to register a prefix with and have many assessments and can take 2 years or more. Shonky breeders of working dogs are quickly exposed.

I suspect once you start breeding for looks and winning ribbons and selling to the ususpecting pet market things have gone bad for many breeds over the years. Inbreeding and line breeding have been increasingly used by people who have no idea how to use it or even how to calculate inbreeding coefficients I would suspect. Fashions in the showring have also lead to some bizaree features not always healthy for the dog.

Yes sadly we are going through the post Christmas dumping period at the moment with scores of puppies and young dogs being offloaded to the pounds. It also always apalls me as to how often people dump their old dogs when they tire of looking after them and want a young fun dog again. I think people often have pets for the wrong reasons.

I know one couple who treated their dog, who was sweet, loving and loyal like it was the most important thing in their life for 7 years untill they had kids and then the dog got booted outside and ignored. Fortunately a friend took action and basically adopted the dog and payed for any vet visits and surgery. These people would have left the dog outside too die or had her put down at the first hint of even a simple infection. The poor dog must have been very confused, from loved pet, to being booted outdoors in the freezing cold and boiling heat with not a single thought to her physical and mental welfare. I cant even begin to get into the head of someone who would do that.

My old dogs are incredibly precious, I couldnt imagine offloading them, how terrified and confused they would be. Maybe when I am too old to consider another pup, I will foster or rescue old dogs who deserve a peaceful loving retirement.

I do fortunately know some like minded people among my doggy friends, but I think we are likely outnumbered.

I guess you just have to write to the AKC if your breeder was registered with them, if enough people complain change can happen as I have seen here. Perhaps not to the extent we would like though. The best way would be to educate the buying public about what to look for or demand. Most people buying a pup trust breeders and have probably never heard of these terrible conditins untill they end up with a pet that has one.

And as for politicians OMG is all I can say. Their interest is purely short term to get elected at all costs, some of the things they do and say are astounding.

My Hero has always been Dr. Jean Dodds of Hemopet. She has devoted her life to 'Make Change', her against the world. Like her, I hope one day that 'Titers' will be acceptable in exchange of shooting up our pets with additional unneeded vaccines. But, it's doubtful because of Drug Company Lobbyists and slimeball politicians. I've tried to educate some people here and there about such, but it goes in one ear out the other. I don't even bother anymore. This includes my Sister. Shes always had very good luck with longevity with her pets. She has no clue as to the pain loosing one at an early age. She would never write a site like this one. She would consider a person doing such to be off balance so to speak. I don't tell anyone about writing this site. Here again, everybody is different, even you and Moon_Glow and I are technically different in some small way. As I've said before, being an introvert is a whole different world and you are outnumbered bigtime. Only another exact person with the exact same set of circumstances would understand the situation 1000%. I feel that you and Moon_Beam are about as close to an understanding friend as I could ever find for the situation at hand.

In fear of repeating myself SummerHolly, for me, Steffie dying at only 9 yrs old will forever haunt me, regardless of me knowing back in March 2011 that her life would be cut short. I have no more pride, spirit. Maybe I chose the wrong breed to fall in love with, but as I told the Lady with 'Big', every since I saw that Weimaraner riding to school on my bike, that was the dog for me. It has never had anything to do with all the hooplah that wellman created with his pictures of them. In fact, most GOOD Weim breeders have never liked Wellman for what he did, exploiting the Weim Breed.

With the cost of Vet care now, the situation of abandoned dogs will get extremely worse. You think it is bad now? Just wait. A snowball affect. The cost of going through Vet school and then tooling up your clinic, etc, etc......you are left with massive greed in the minds of these new vets entering the market. You think Vet care is expensive now,....Just wait.

I considered myself to be extremely lucky and fortunate for my Father helping with some of the expenses. Those days are long gone. One can dodge the issue as long as they desire, but, the average person will not be able to afford a pet and care for it like you, Moon_Beam and I have managed to do. I am yet to understand HOW my Sister affords the animal care bill she sustains. Yes, she has a good job at 62, but her time is coming, a time she will have to make a decision that will rock her world. Maybe at this 'time' she would have looked back and had more appreciation of the true pain I sustained in loosing Steffie, and especially at such a young age.

Yes the titer is still to be accepted. Because I trial my dogs I have to have vaccination certificates but the 3 year vaccines make it so you only have to vaccinate once every 3 years which is what I do.

I too have a favourite breed, Holly was a cattle dog and although I need Border collies for sheepwork I will always have a cattle dog in the mix. My latest recue dog is a farmbred cattle dog puppy dumped at the pound with her litter mates.

Yes the cost of becoming a vet and setting up is pretty big. I am fortunate that the small country town practice closest to me charges very affordable rates given the area does not have a lot of wealth with the droughts etc. The only catch is it does not offer an emergency or after hours service.

Yes we are all different with our own particular personalities and events that have shaped our lives. Over the years my family have lost young dogs to tragic accidents so it is certainly not an unknown feeling to me or my family. We are all animal crazy. I think it is just certain animals that really get to you regardless of age. Holly was one of those dogs to me. A dog so special that the pain of losing her has been very great. The fact that I didnt see it coming is what really haunts me. Yes being an introvert can almost certainly heighten the pain as they are often your world.

Yes I can understand your feelings about Steffie and the circumstances of her death. I guess that is where we differ somewhat in out approach. For me although the pain of losing a special dog or a young dog is very real, I am also driven on to love other dogs and to have them in my life. A life without a dog in it would be the end of me. It is as simple as that, I would find it hard to function. Therin lies who I am.

I love my dogs, I lose them, I carry each one in my heart, I grieve and cry for their loss and then I love another. I dont forget any of them, I collect them in my heart. They make my life richer, that is their gift to me. My gift to them is to kep them safe and loved. My spirit is uncrushable when it comes to loving dogs. Came close with Holly but I know she would want me to continue on.

As I age however I will aim to just have one dog I think.


I have no problem writing on a site like this. You just have to read the other posts to know there is real pain and that quite a few people are on their own and looking for support and understanding that is likely difficult to get in their normal lives. Sometimes you just need a place to talk about what you are going through with out fear of being looked upon as slightly crazy. It is acceptable to grieve for a person publicly but less so for a pet I guess.

I dont know much about the Weim breed. They are not very common where I live although I do know a very handsome Weim bitch that I see at dog sport trials.

I know you feel that you will not recover from the loss of Steffie I dont really have anything useful to add to that except that there is always this site to talk things through.

As you know, there is zero difference between '1 yr'....'2yr'....'3yr' vaccines. It was just the politician's ways of 'giving ground' from all the pressures/complaints of 'Overvaccinating'. All of them know the longevity of vaccines and it all goes back to drug co. money.

I never said that life was fair. I'm glad you are making progress concerning Holly. The seven years of dealing with Steffie's issues left me branded. You would have to walk in my shoes to truly understand my outlook on so many things. I sure as heck don't want to go through the rest of my life being paranoid about getting another companion, but, it's inevitable. I will always wonder, out of ALL the dogs, why Steffie. Why?

The older I get the more I come to realise that there are many challenges in life and not all have a happy ending for sure. We all have our stories and events and tragedies that have shaped who we are and I also think our own personalities will determine often how we process our lives. Nature and Nuture.

I think we all think at some stage of our lives why this particular animal or person dear to us has got the rough end of the deal. The only solution to an event that we had no eventual control over is within ourselves, and may simply be unsolvable.

Yes I feel I am making progress dealing with the loss of Holly. I talk to her every day and I miss her like crazy. I want her back and I still find it quite difficullt to really acknowledge that she is not coming back. There are echoes of her every where and every day as I go about life with my other dogs. She is never far from my thoughts.

"and I still find it quite difficullt to really acknowledge that she is not coming back. There are echoes of her every where and every day as I go about life"...........Yes, as with you of Holly, these are my daily obstacles I try to deal with. Yesterday, I had to get all of my invoices together to pay the State Comptroller the State sales tax, and as I was going through them as well as all other receipts, I would progress through the 2014 months. Looking at the baby food on tickets that I bought for use as a carrier for supplements in the oral syringe. As I progressed through the months knowing she was still alive and doing fairly well, until I got to Setember through November.

Summerholly, I had told Moon_Beam early on that I didn't want to become a nuisance on this site, and it is apparent that I'm becoming somewhat of one. Its a great feeling to know you aren't being perceived as 'Crazy' when discussing such at this site, and you and Moon_beam have been a God Send. I hope, somehow, I have contributed to you, etc.. I would hope to think that we all could remain in contact with each other, being friends. Someone that you could contact, a shoulder to cry on, someone that wouldn't perceive you to be 'Crazy'. I hope I haven't worn out my welcome here, for I know I couldn't have talked this long about Steffie with anyone else, period. People like you and Moon_Beam are rare.

I will leave my email address if thats OK. I would like to think that we all have become friends and we can 'check-in' on each other as time flys by.

I wish you and Moon_Beam the very best.

Regards,

Earl Email: <L88RAT@NETSCAPE.COM>

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please know you are NOT a nuisance. Your deep grief is perfectly normal - - and individually painful - - each of us understand this. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. There are no "strangers" here, Earl. Although we will never personally meet one another during our earthly journeys, we share a friendship that is especially unique - - for we are brought together by the eternal love of our beloved companions who guide us here to be among others who truly understand the deepest sorrow we will know on this side of eternity.

Please know you can always personal message me through this site, Earl, and I will always write back as soon as I can. I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's, Schatszie's, and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Earl, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

" Your deep grief is perfectly normal "........Moon_Beam, Yes Sir, it is normal here as both you, SummerHolly and I(others) know it, but no where else, except maybe your Vet, depending on your relationship with them. 'Its Us against the world'.

It was that I haven't been making very much progress, whereby probably talking somewhat in cicles about Steffie.

I will share this with you before closing. I had previously mentioned I had been through some dead end relationships. I had gotten Schatszie in 1993. Whenever I couldn't take her with me somewhere, it was the biggest welcome home party at the gate, upon my return, that one had never seen,....AND IT WAS 'FOR REAL'. After all the previous lies, manipulation, falsehoods,....Schatszie convinced me there was a better way to live. Then came Steffie. Through all of this, I've dodged many arrows from friends, etc, telling me to get dates, relationships, I needed to be married, and even comments that when Steffie was gone that to start living., and on. No doubt I have a lonely life ahead, but, for me, guess I wouldn't have it any other way.

You and Noah have a blessed evening.

I think you can talk as much about Steffie as you like on this site without becoming a nuisance. This where you can come to talk about how you are feeling about it all.

You know there are statistically a lot of people who live on their own. Being on your own doesnt neccessarily equate to being lonely regardless of what other people say or think. No one needs to be married or with someone to be happy living life.

Honestly, I felt like I was going in circles as com pared to your progress SummerHolly. As probably with you, I'm surrounded by married friends. I've never let any of their comments affect me as per living single. Besides, at some point everyone will be by themselves eventually, unless both spouses pass at the very same time.

I'm fooling myself to think I couldn't get another companion. I've NEVER been without one, or 8 months at the longest after Schatszie.

I tell you what though, and I don't know how your mornings are at the present, but, something has got to get better for my mornings. They are still just hell after I wake up. Then it hits again before going to bed. I just simply cannot shake my problem with Steffie dying at 9. I just can't accept it.

I texted my Vet last Friday and told her that I was still having a problem adjusting and that I suspected the breeder long ago, before Steffie's kidney problem survived. That I really couldn't trust another breeder, even though there are good ones.

My Vet responded, "I'm sure you had to have been frustrated living with Steffie with all the issues. There are bad experiences with breeders, just as there are good ones. Same as with a shelter, pet store, although more with a pet store. When you feel you are ready, let me know and I will help you find the right one."

SummerHolly, the truth of the matter, for my situation, I'm obviously at a crossroad, and I simply do not know how to get past Steffie being robbed of a longer life. If my mornings would get better, that would be a monumental improvement.

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please believe when I share with you that it can feel for a very long time during the grief journey that you are going in circles - - that "nothing" is getting better. I know that from first hand experience. I also TOTALLY SUPPORT the wise words SummerHolly shared with you: "I think you can talk as much about Steffie as you like on this site without becoming a nuisance. This where you can come to talk about how you are feeling about it all. You know there are statistically a lot of people who live on their own. Being on your own doesnt neccessarily equate to being lonely regardless of what other people say or think. No one needs to be married or with someone to be happy living life." Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I am a single, never-married, person as well, Earl. I grew up in an abusive atmosphere and in a religious denomination that supported the ideology that women have no rights. Sadly, my siblings occasionally let me know that they think I personally have "no rights" to live my life as I feel the happiest - - that I am not "acceptable" as I am for who I am. And I have been told by both my siblings and numerous others throughout my life that "everything would be okay if you would just change." They are entitled to their opinion - - and thankfully I am now at a point in my life when I embrace the fact that I am entitled to my own life regardless of what anyone else thinks.

I am so glad you received the response from your vet letting you know she is there for you to help you - - if ever - - you may consider embracing a new companion. Her offer for assistance does NOT mean you "have to" adopt another companion. Whatever decision YOU make regarding this, Earl, will be the RIGHT ONE for you.

I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, Earl. I know all too well from first hand experience how very painful the deep grief is. But I promise you it will not always be this way. For now you just need to "hang on" and keep focused on just taking one day at a time, one moment at a time, and know that we are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step you take. Don't worry about the "half step forward, ten steps backward" - - because that's a part of this grief adjustment journey.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's, Schatszie's, and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Earl, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moon_Beam, sounds like we could co-author a book. No one in my Family ever divorced except my only sibling, older Sister. She's been married 3 times. Half of my old friends have been married twice. Me, just never was in the right place at the right time, etc.. Actually, my hobbies, etc through the years would have never mixed with a serious relationship, etc., and I do not regret the direction I chose. Actually, most darts that have been thrown my way through the years were jealousy related. I really don't think many people are as happy in their marriage as they would lead you to believe.

I appreciate your Positive guidance Moon_Beam, and maintaining the 'Welcome Mat' here for me, as with SummerHolly. As you would assume, I reached the 'Dead End' of the road weeks ago as per discussing Steffie with anyone else outside this site, and I'm sure SummerHolly has too.

Moon_Beam, I think about your situation of Noah probably being your last companion. I know this is not easy for you to accept, but, you're being responsible/logical. Even though I'm 60, I still do the math if I was to get another companion. I and no one else in my family has ever put their pet in a boarding place. Our pets either went with us on vacation, or we didn't take a vacation. Even though my health is good, I could never accept having to board my pet in the next 10-12 years if I had to go into the hospital, etc.. I wouldn't trust anyone to leave my pet with them.

There are so many 'positives' when I had Schatszie and Steffie(being with them 24/7, etc) that should be helping me get better, but, its not. I do truly realize that they were extremely lucky to have come to my home, as well as myself.

Things could be a lot worse, as my Vet didn't have to respond to my text, as well as offer to help me find another companion.

I think I have been reasonably lucky. Independence in women in the family was encouraged even back in a different era. I have some very interesting great and great great aunts who pursued amazing careers, and a very eccentric grandmother. The men were fabulous too. No divorces that I know of.

When I was a little younger I liked pursuing extreme sports which were not entirely conducive to getting married when you are a female extreme sport addict. I had good male friends and in the end it was less complicated to keep it that way. So I am entirely comfortable with being single. People just accepted me for who I was and if they didnt it didnt bother me. I have a mix of married and single friends. By nature I am a risk taking introvet LOL quite happy doing my own thing on my own and didnt pay too much mind to what people thought

My dogs have been central to enjoying life as a single and they travelled far and wide with me as I pursued my sport passions. Camped out in the tray of my truck with me in some wild and extraordinary places. Quite a few of my good friends did the same with their dogs as companions.

These days I trial my dogs through the year with and equally interesting array of people both single and married with one passion in common being dogs.

Getting back to how I am dealing with the loss of Holly, you know I miss her and think about her everyday. What helps me move on is that I have my other dogs to consider. They welcome me enthusiastically when I get home and I do stuff with them, training for trials. I am never alone when I have them. Work also keeps me busy and my mind from dwelling too much.

So although I am always thinking of Holly and sometimes an echo of her hit me pretty hard during the day or night I still have a lot of stuff that I enjoy about my life and my other dogs.

The reason I stay on this site is because I most definitely havent moved on from missing her and it gives me the opportunity to share the pain with other people who are feeling the same pain.

Earl I know you are struggling with coming to terms with losing Steffie at her age, moving past this and questioning if you could ever have another companion. I guess you just have to keep sharing those thoughts if it helps. Time may help eventually and maybe one day things may come a little clearer. It seems that we each have to go through an indivdual process based on our unique set of circumstances and personalities. One thing is clear that it does help to share those thoughts with people who do understand even though you have never met them and it perhaps lets us explore what we are feeling more readily.

I truly didn't want to quit communicating with you and Moon_Beam. I look forward everyday to replying. It has to be healthy vs. total silence. I can't really talk to anyone else about 'everyday topics'. I receive joke emails from other people but I can't get myself to laugh at it. In fact, a retired Air Force Col called me last week to see if I was still alive. He lives in Alabama. The last time I communicated with him was mid Oct, and told him about all the negatives that were happening at the same time, and that Steffie became terminal with limited days left. He told me he knew something was wrong when he sent me an outrageous email and I didn't respond. Since Oct, I've never opened anyone's emails, unless it was business related. He used to be President of his local SPCA and he shared many stories as well as his own personal companions.

I used to have a great sense of humor, even through the past 3.5 years, as I tried to not think about Steffie's longevity, but instead, that we were both immortal. Now? I only force myself to smile/laugh if put into a public position to do so.

Don't know if you have ever faced this decision with any of your companions. I often think back in 2011 when I took Steffie to the A&M University Clinic, after they found the Protein-Losing kidney problem, and the lead Vet came into the room to discuss options with her issue. One of which was a kidney biopsy to dtermine the 'Cause'. He explained the risks of the procedure and the cost would be $1,000.00. The cost was alarming, but I asked him,..."So if the biopsy is successful, and there are no complications during or after the procedure, and you can treat the 'Cause', will that put the 'Protein-Losing' into remission?" He said no, that it was irreversible, and if the treatment was successful, it would help to add days or months. I told him 'No'. Since Steffie has been gone, I constantly relive that day when I said 'No', that maybe I should have agreed, but then, She lived another 3.5 years where it is at best 4 years expectancy with this form of kidney disease. I still think I made the correct decision to say no, for hemorrhage was one of the possible complications and would require surgery, as well as the biopsy sample is not always successful in being diagnosed. Besides, I didn't think it was good to create a wound in something that was already stressed. Money was not the issue,.....I would have robbed a bank(so to speak), whatever it took to make Steffie survive. Needless to say, I have beat myself up unmercifully since shes been gone, over things that are simply unwarranted. Yes, she was blessed the day she came home with me as a puppy. I've always done things to perfection, and I've always taken myself for granted,....call it a form of geed,...'I always expect more out of myself'. SummerHolly, I think you can relate to this carbon copy, from what you have told me about yourself, especially relating to your sports background.

When I got out of college, the very first thing I did was start looking for an old corvette(late 50's to mid-60's models) to restore. I had already taught myself many, many things, whereby I would do all the work myself. My goal was to totally disassemble and reassemble. I was already a perfectionist, distilled into me via my Father and his Father. I'm simply &%^ytical by birth and habit. It has been rediculous for me to beat myself up, questioning myself 'IF' I did everything I should have for Steffie. To 'Me', her not living out her life doesn't work with me, I must have missed something, but I know I didn't. The sad thing is, that PLN Kidney disease 'Cannot Be Beat',....as of now. It devours the best of the best and it takes no prisoners. It beat me, and I just can't accept it. For the rest of my life, I will forever wonder 'WHY' it had to be Steffie. Everything about Steffie was unique, mostly because of her size being smaller than most Weims. She was always selfconscious of her size, but she never gave in. Steffie was in a category, that you never see in dogs, and I never will again. I know everyone thinks that about their companions, and I'm not portraying her to be better or superior than any other one. Not at all. The story is just too complicated and long.

You had previously spoke about how you were resilient by nature. I can relate, I've had to be resilient in my life, except for one huge weak link,........Companion Death. It literally disassembles me leaving a pile of bolts and parts, and it all originated with Victor. My family never grieving has been a factor too. I never have been able to understand how and why my other family members could be so compassionate towards animals/pets, but not grieve after they are gone. Then there is me.

Hope you have a blessed day.

I was reading an interesting perspective form a vet today whose own personal beliefs are that we probably inflict unecessary procedures on our animals in the quest to delay their deaths by months. This may involve risky surgeries and having to stay in vet hospital, brutal drugs etc.

Your story of you being offered the kidney biopsy reminds me of this. I know my vet friend said to me, "if you had known about Holly's cancer earlier would you seriously have inflicted major surgery on an old dog?". The answer is probably not.

I still beat myself up for not recognising that there was a problem though. I have had situations like that through my life of owning animals and they can still haunt me today.

On the subject of prolonging a life by months with high risk treatments I am pretty sure now that I wouldnt inflict that on an animal of mine. Our gift to them is reduce the amount of time they feel unwell and stressed. We might choose to endure such treatments for ourselves but our pets dont understand and they are happiest safe at home with us for what ever length of time they have. They dont measure that time, it is only us that does that and suffers guilt trips, thaty we didnt do enough. Sometimes it is kindest just to ease their passing as comfortably as possible.

I think we do meet particualrly unique animals in our lives. I have had quite a few animals in my life and there have been several that have stood out by their personalitiies and interactions with me. For me Holly was one of those. She was an incredibly special dog to me, Idoubt I will ever experience a dog quite like her again. So I understand it makes theit passing all the more difficult, like an extension of yourself has been cut away. I still get flashes where I think Holly is still here, just for a few seconds and then I remember she has gone.

We are the keepers of that unique soul, no one else will grieve for them like we do each for our special one. They live and die with us, but I am eternally thakful that I had my Holly in my life.

The trouble is that one eventually learns in life that there are some things that are simply out of our control. It doesnt matter how &%^ytical you are or rich you are, they are simply organic and will unfold in a way that leaves us feeling somewhat helpless. I think that was the hardest thing for me to understand that I simply couldnt fix what was happening to my special girl. Just like you with your Steffie. I am a fixer by nature, regardless what the problem is I always believe I can find a solution, this time however I was completely unable to do a thing except give Holly the release from sickness.

I know people who love their pets but find it reletively easy to move on. I guess that is a fairly practical approach. Love them, care for them, give them a great life , let them go and do the same for another animal. These are often family dogs and perhaps not so tightly bonded to one person. Perhaps we have a different relationship where the dogs become part of the fabric of us.

Mind you a lot of stockmen are like that even if they do have a very close relationship with their working dog. They remember them fondly and tell stories of them but they move on to a new dog and a new bond.

Today was a really missing Holly day for me. I hope you are doing okay although I know you are struggling with why it had to be your special Steffie. I guess it was either the rotten luck of the draw or some design to it depending in what your belief system is. Steffie had the best life possible with you and maybe that is why she came to you.

Those were very wise words from your Vet friend. A good example is approving 'canine kidney transplant'. Survival rate of such isn't promising, and if someone approved it for their pet and they died as a result, THEN they would be ridden with guilt that they could have had those remaining days/months/etc with their companion. I also think that $1,000.00 is rediculous for a kidney biopsy. I shouldn't say this, but lets face it,......you are desperate for your pet's survival and Vets know this, irregardless if you are at a University Clinic or the local. Technically, it boils down to $$, and 'That Ain't Right'!

I suspected sometime ago that we are both going through some 'extended hard times' BECAUSE both Holly & Steffie had personalities that we've never seen before. They did all these different many things we've never seen. Things that only you or I would know. Only you and I are privy to 'these things'.This, of course, as you know, is what I was talking about. 'This' and what Steffie went through, especially at the last, is 'Why' I said I couldn't ever do this again. There is pain and there is a different form of severe pain associated with the grief with such a loss, and theres not another soul that would understand all of this except, simply, 'You about Holly', and 'I about Steffie'. An example for me with Steffie,....EVERY SINGLE TIME we would go riding in vehicle, when I would be coming back to car from store, Steffie was ALWAYS sitting in the driver's seat behind the wheel for 9 straight years. I will tell you,....Now.....when I return to vehicle and not seeing her head above the steering wheel,.....it's like running a wooden splinter under my fingernails. I'm sure Holly did many things that others pets you've had never did.

As per you not seeing something wrong with Holly ahead of time,...Animals, especially dogs, are magicians at hiding pain or problems from us. Sometimes they make it obvious with 'not eating'.....'cough'...etc..

Yes, theres no doubt that both Holly and Steffie became part of us totally. I will tell you, and again, I'm not looking for sympathy or feeling sorry for myself,......If I was to come down with a serious, life threatening illness right now, it would be a blessing to me. As my Mother would say, 'Quit being Morbid'. Well, maybe I am being extreme, but, I can't lie about how I feel. Loosing Steffie and the aftermath has been the very same ordeal that spouses go through after many, many years of marriage together, just like your Mother. So many times when one spouse paases the other one is soon to follow. Where has it been written or documented that we should be different about a 'Just A Dog'.

I wish there were many, many more people in this life like yourself, Moon_Beam and I, but, you gotta search really hard to locate them.

I hope these 'waves' of pain get better for you. The 'waves' for me are usually triggered by something, many things. For me, I think I will know I'm getting better when I can once again laugh at something.

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief when you share with us: "If I was to come down with a serious, life threatening illness right now, it would be a blessing to me." Painfully, this too is a part of the excruciating process of re-inventing our daily routines that no longer includes the physical needs of our beloved companion. During their earthly journey with us our companions literally become the center of our universe. When they precede us to the angels, our lives are literally turned upside down and inside out. This grief journey cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - for we are literally faced with the enormous task of re-defining our lives - - which can only be done one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.

The good news is that one day - - very likely when you least expect it - - you will find yourself smiling - - and laughing - - and you will feel your heart fill once again with the warmth of your beloved Steffie's sweet Living Spirit smiling and laughing with you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's, Schatszie's, and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Earl, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

This is so true about 'Re-Inventing Our Daily Routines'. Its literally a total revamp. Today I had to look for something in my documents on the computer and came across a pic I took of Steffie 10 days before she was gone. We had gone somewhere in vehicle and I had already pulled in through gate and got out to close the gate. Steffie ALWAYS got out of car to snoop. She just sat there in the back seat with no interest to get out with lack of entergy.

Its really very, very hard for me to look at any of her pictures. Some might suggest putting all pictures out of sight while grieving. I couldn't think of doing such.

Thanks for taking time out of your day to give me a booster shot Moon_Beam. I sincerely appreciate all that you do.

I hope you and Noah had a peaceful day and evening too.

Yes Holly always got the front seat while the others were in the back of my wagon. She would often tuck her head next to my leg. Lots of things that only she did and it is hard when they are no longer there. I think what I miss most is her eyes and the way they were always searching to make contact with mine. If we did something fun together they would literally sparkle like diamonds as she looked me in the face, big grin on hers.

With Steffie being your only dog I can understand that it would be like losing a long time partner and that it is hard to carry on without them. I had flashes of that when I lost Holly but I have the responsibility of my other dogs so I had to shake that feeling.

My youngest dog is the same breed as Holly and the same colour. She is incredibly cheeky and loves to sit at my feet and turn her head, look me in the eyes and grin from ear to ear. She has many of the same breed traits as Holly but has her own cheeky little personality. She makes me smile. She is not the same as Holly but I am really starting to connect with her which alleviates some of the pain.

Sometimes I like to look at photos of Holly other times it is actually quite painfull.

With Holly her appetite was so good that when I heard her give the very occassional cough only when she was eating, I didnt think it was anything to worry about. I just gave her moister food as her teeth were quite worn, and that seemed to fix the coughing. It was not untill I thought her breathing was a little more laboured than usual that I took her to the vet and the vet didnt think it was anything too serious either. It then all happened so fast , she only lost her appetite the day before she died. That whole scenario is what I find hardest to come to terms with, it was completely unexpected. That and hoping she wasnt in a lot of pain in the days and weeks leading up to it all.

I knew she wasnt quite her usual self and seemed to be sleeping more and didnt quite bounce on her walks, but she did have arthritis that I thought that it might have been getting worse. I was fortunately giving her some pain medication when I noticed her slowing down from what I thought was arthritis so hopefully that helped. I had also started on a gentle program of massage and gentle exercise to help tone her hind legs. I didnt even consider a life threatening illness. She hadnt lost weight, her coat was very glossy and her body funtions were completely normal. She was just slowing down. Now I realise that increased lethargy could be the sign of something a lot more sinister than ageing.

So I guess we have scenarios with losing our dogs that we have to come to terms with.

The more we disclose about Holly and Steffie, they both had similar personalities. When Steffie and I went riding, she layed her head on my leg. Early on I thought she might be prone to motion while driving, where she would sit up when the vehicle came to a stop etc.. Schatszie was always sitting up in vehicle and wanted a window down so she could stick her head out and bite at the air.

I think that a lot of times that Vets know exactly what is wrong with our Pets but will hold back from telling you so you can enjoy the last days with them. With Holly having a good appetite to the very last, that to me would be GOLD......when they quit eating or show signs of being picky, then you start worrying and call the Vet. SummerHolly, you did good. I never have liked leaving my companion overnight at a Vet Clinic. Sometimes you have no choice. I never have liked a crate or 'cage'. Some people think they are great. Would you want to be in a cage? I think not.

For me, tomorrow will be two months since saying goodbye to Steffie. It still seems like it was yesterday at times. I'm still dealing with 'waves'. I've been communicating with the Retired Air Force Colonel in Alabama. He reminds me of you and Moon_Beam. He's a Vietnam Vet and was a FAG(Forward Air Guide) over there in '68. He's had his share of bad there, and in his personal life. Lately, he's been attempting to guide me to 'Going Back To The Well' and get another puppy. He and his wife adopted a Sheltie puppy 10 years ago. Before 'Annie' was ~4 months old, she required major surgery on her legs, requiring the tendons to be relocated around the knees so she could walk. Their situation has been the same somewhat with what I went through with Steffie.....rollercoaster. 'Annie' still doesn't walk with ease and arthritis is now her enemy. They got another Sheltie puppy 3 years ago and they feel that 'Belle' has helped to keep Annie alive longer.

SummerHolly, I'm glad that you have your other puppies with you. Can you imagine what shape you would be in, still, considering not only loosing Holly, but all the other negatives that happened at the same time.

I compare your situation with mine, and I know that I should consider another companion, but, I just can't get past the feeling of 'betrayal' of Steffie. I finally found peace with loosing Schatszie months later, with her age. As with Steffie, I consider how they were blessed to have come home with me, and all the many other positives that wouldn't have existed at any other home, but, it does absolutely no good as for Steffie. I simply worshiped her. As Moon_Beam has said,....'One Day'......'One Day when you least expect it'........'Peace'.

Holly would lie all the way on the 3 hour journey to visit my mother, then in the last few streets before we got to my mother's house, she would sit up and start barking, she did this always. She loved visiting my mother who spoilt her rotten.

Glad the retired Colonel is proving to be a good friend and understands what it is like to love a dog.

I dont think Steffie would view it as a betrayal to get another puppy when and if you are ready. I would think Holly and Steffie would want us to be happy. You just have to wait for that time when you do feel at peace. Missing them will always be there and will hit in waves every now and then for ever, but I do believe there comes a time when you are more at peace with it. I went through that with my dad. That was the worst time ever but years later I now only think about all the happy times I had with him in my childhood.

I think about Holly everyday and miss her, because I am trying to adjust to not having her in my life, but I dont wake up with that horrid feeling in the pit of my stomach so much anymore. I dont know when there will come a time when I dont think about her everyday but it probably will, a bit like my dad I guess. Doesnt mean I love them any less.

Its ALL so much harder when you get older. So much harder. The Col, in his words of wisdom, told me 'I WON'.....'Steffie Won'......that I should go out and prevent another puppie from being thrown away. He and his wife are in for a very dark day ahead with their Sheltie, and it is almost a carbon copy of Steffie and myself. But, they are in good shape so far, because 'Annie' has reached 10 yrs old, with no 'Etched In Stone Prior Death Sentence' put on 'Annie'. They have spent the past ten years absolutely keeping Annie 'mobile'.

There are so MANY variables in loosing your 'Best Friend', and most people do not take into account these variables as to why someone might have a tougher time in finding peace. When someone suggests to go out and get another, etc., yes, they mean well and I appreciate their good thoughts. As I said before, ONLY 'YOU and Your Companion', as well as your Vet KNOWS......KNOWS EVERYTHING that took place.

Yes, the Col was right, there was a mission 'for Steffie and I both'. Yes, I am glad I originally came home with Steffie as a puppy. Was I frustrated at times the past 7 years dealing with Steffie's issues? Yes, but only because I wanted her to be problem free, to not have to take pills all the time, to live life without going to the Vet so often. Thankfully, our pets have no idea what their future holds, only the owner.

As per my 'mission', you don't just turn that off, and most people just do not understand why, but, thats OK, for they weren't there in the trenches. For those that were on a similar 'mission', yes, they FULLY understand, but that doesn't mean ALL the variables are in place to truly understand.

SummerHolly, theres no doubt that I hope to see that day that 'IF' I ever had a desire to get another puppy, that it wouldn't be in betrayal of Steffie. Thankfully for you, you have your other friends. As I've mentioned to you before, you and Holly were blessed to have been together for 14 years. I don't think you could have accepted her reaching a point where her mobility was minimal, cataracts or limited eyesight, etc., of old age. I think that most people that have been blessed with longevity with their pets recover much more quickly. Their 'mission' was completed with an ending chapter of their book.

For me, considering 'every single variable' from the day I got Steffie and Schatszie as a puppy, till the day I said Goodbye, I finally found peace with loosing Schatszie because the 'mission' was complete at 12. I wouldn't have wanted her to succomb to problems of eyesight, mobility, etc, etc. With Steffie, the mission WAS NOT completed. I will forever be haunted when the Vet was here on Nov 17, and I was hugging Stefie and looking into her eyes when the Vet inserted the needle. Steffie gave me a look of total horror, as if to say,...'This is the end!!!....Isn't it??!!'

Most would say,..."QUIT thinking about that, Put it out of your mind, Don't dwell on it". Really? Who's fooling who. You might not dwell on it, like I do not,...BUT....You NEVER erase it from your mind, EVER, because for me, the '7 yr mission' was still 'ongoing'.

I just pity anyone that has been on a 'mission' for a very long extended period with a human, pet, etc., and then they are gone forever.

You just don't turn it OFF. Time might heal the surface wounds, but never the deep ones.

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are experiencing is a very normal part of this deep grief journey when you share with us: "I just pity anyone that has been on a 'mission' for a very long extended period with a human, pet, etc., and then they are gone forever. You just don't turn it OFF. Time might heal the surface wounds, but never the deep ones."

This is known as "Caregivers Syndrome" - - and you are precisely on target in your feelings. We are the human caregivers of our precious companions during their earthly journey because they are totally dependent upon us for their every need - - physical and emotional, - - and when they precede us to the angels we experience the IDENTICAL "Caregiver Syndrome" as those who have been the caregivers of a human family member or friend. iI was blessed to be the caregiver of my mom, as I have been blessed to be the caregiver of several precious companions through the years, as I am blessed to be the caregiver of my precious Noah now. When our loved ones - - whoever the life form - - are no longer physically with us does not separate us from the labors of love we shared with them through their earthly journey. But it does take time for the physical relationship we had with them to transform to a different dimension whereby we hold onto the treasured memories and the painful ones are not quite so intense. This doesn't happen in a day, a week, a month, a year - - it only happens one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.

Earl, please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Schatszie's, Steffie's, and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Earl, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I think with me Holly was my soul dog, we were part of each other. I dont really see her as a completed mission, I see her know as a missing part of my soul. The echo of her bounces around the inner most part of me. It is a weird feeling. I think if I didnt have my other dogs I would be in much worse shape. I could never imagine a life without my Holly, but I have to although I still feel her in me, I can almost touch her, as I said it is a very weird feeling.

The young dog I lost, she had many extreme issues, both physical and mental, and I spent a lot of time with her dealing with them. I felt incredibly guilty when I lost her because of not getting her to the vet sooner. Then I felt guilty for wondering if it had played out the way it was supposed to, that she had been sent to me for a reason, her short life changing my life forever by getting me into dog training and facilitating my move to my farm to continue training dogs. I was at a real crossroads in my life at the time, wondering what to do next.

As you say our journeys are all different as is the way we approach and deal with stuff.

Moonbeam again has very wise words.

Hi Moon_Beam, I feel exactly the way SummerHolly has stated in the following,..."I think with me Holly was my soul dog, we were part of each other. I dont really see her as a completed mission, I see her know as a missing part of my soul. The echo of her bounces around the inner most part of me. It is a weird feeling. I think if I didnt have my other dogs I would be in much worse shape. I could never imagine a life without my Holly, but I have to although I still feel her in me, I can almost touch her, as I said it is a very weird feeling." I went a bit far using the word 'mission', but I hope it wasn't misconstrued as a crude, out of place descriptive term.

As you say about the 'Caregivers Syndrome', about their dependency on us,.......so many times Steffie would want to do things, but, would turn back to look at me for permission to follow through. Its all hard to explain. As with SummerHolly with Holly,.....Steffie and I became 'One'. She knew my every move, and I knew hers.

It is simply hell when you are forced into a staight jacket and FORCED to not having a single option in getting them back in your life. It is also hell when you know that without a shadow of doubt, that your life will never have the 'spark' that it once had when they, were, in your life.

Thank You Moon_Beam for your unending, authentic wisdom.

I hope you and Noah are doing well.

Yes, Moon_Beam comes through with true words of wisdom. As I spoke with him, I shouldn't have extended the use of the word 'mission' as I did, but I'm sure you probably knew what I was saying.

I feel exactly the same way as you have described Holly being your soul dog. These are feelings I've never had before, or, let me say they are feelings more intense. As I've spoken before, Schatszie would stand at the front gate/fence area looking down the road, awaiting my return....EVERY SINGLE TIME, regardless of the weather. To this very day, .........even when Steffie was alive, I still look at that area as I'm approaching in my vehicle, expecting to see something....see Schatszie. When I would visit my Parents place,......there Schatszie would be, standing at their gate upon our return. Steffie was different no doubt.

I guess to sum it all up, when you live alone and you have only one companion, you BOTH become ONE, and you are BOTH dependent upon eash other 1000%, no exceptions. Maybe I should have gotten another companion for both Schatszie & Steffie. I've always been somewhat scared to go that route because of possible jealousy, etc, between the two. The perfect scenario would be if you you got both at the very same time as puppies.

I guess I'll go to my grave always thinking,...."Why Steffie? Why?"

Mission is often a very male way of expression and I do get what you mean although for me it is more a journey probably with a physical end but not a journey end.. My other dogs lived another 2 1/2 years longer, why did Holly die younger. That haunted me for quite awhile but I have now managed to look at it from another angle, trie to get awy from the completion of a mission scenario.

I had my first dog Jess and after 6 years of her and me, I welcomed another puppy. Jess was very sweet about it but she never really forgave me as it was no longer just her and me and it did affect our relationship to a degree, but there was never any fighting. When Jess passed I got Holly and my other dog having always been with another dog was unaffected by it. Holly in turn welcomed every new puppy into the fold with a loving sweetness. She knew she was number one and never felt her position was in jeopardy.

The problem with getting 2 puppies together is that it can go wrong. The puppies will often form a close bond with each other and unless you put in a lot of separate training effort you may never have a total bond with either. Or in my case where I had a pup and then rescued another of the same age, there is suddenly a fight for domination as they grow. My 2 boy dogs who are the same age do not like each other and are openly competitive with each other for my attention. So it can be tricky. I think probably best to get one dog and once that dog is trained and past adolescence, think about adding number 2. You will also have a better idea of temperament by then.

I tend to believe that every animal that has come in to my life has come for a reason. I have only ever selected 2 of my dogs, the others have arrived by circumstance. Each one has come with a different set of challenges and personalities, from frightened rescues and my seriously damaged young dog that I lost young. My dog I lost young changed the course of my life so drastically that I named my farm after her. She loved me and my mother to bits but was incredibly terrified of anything else that moved. She tested my dog training skills at the highest level as well have some bad medical issues.

I try and look at each of my dogs life as a journey enmeshed with mine. I do my best to help them and love them and their gift to me is to teach me things and make me a better person. I have increasingly come to look at it in this context at what ever age I lose them.

Holly ripped part of my soul out but as the weeks have gone by and I can feel her alive in my heart, I think she has taught me much and I can feel her still with me. Maybe I am becoming a more spiritual person, maybe that is what my animals do to me. Not in a religious sense but in a personal journey and growth sense.

I have decided not to ask why they die when they did, but why they came into my life and what our journey together has taught me. The positives for them is a given, they were born to love us. The grief of losing them will always be there but they give us many gifts as well.

The more I think like this the more alive I feel each of them in my heart, it is really weird. I guess my way of dealing with it.

I agree that the lack of control we have over losing them is by far the hardest part. I couldnt belive it that I was going to have to put my beloved Holly to sleep when a few days before I had no idea anything was wrong. That was a complete nightmare. My lovely Holly. But I believe there will be more sparks in my life and I have my Holly in my heart.

There is no doubt that we are all different to some degree with dealing with the bad. I don't think there is ever an acceptible ending with our companions. The only non-traumatic scenario would be your pet reaching a VERY old age, they quit eating, their mobility is limited, etc, but to actually put them to sleep would then be traumatic, but your recovery per grief would be somewhat better. This scenario is rare unfortunately.

Honestly, I just don't think I can raise another puppy. I have sufficient deep wounds from Schatszie and especially with Steffie. When you get a new puppy, you should be ready in your life for a new exciting beginning. All the emotions, 'watching over', training, laughter and joy, are endless, THEN they become full grown and somewhat settle down. I cried and cried and cried after loosing Schatszie. But, repeating myself, I recovered by adhering to her age of 12. I accepted the 'life & death' journey. Steffie's situation just simply drained me of any future spirit or pride or joy and excitement with possibly getting another, especially a puppy. My Father's Father remarried after my Grandmother passed away(Pancreatic Cancer) after 55 years of marriage. I never accepted his actions. But, I think different than most and have lived a life much different than most on the average. With me, and everything that happened with Steffie, I 'would be' betraying her to get another, and/or I could never love another pet like I did Steffie, because there will always be a default barrier in place. Plus, I still have a very rocky road ahead with my Parents, especially my Mother. I'm presently on hold with my Father, for he could pass any day.

When you get a puppy, your life should be flowing smoothly as best as could be expected, so you can 'take-it-all-in'. Love every second of it. Steffie was the only sane thing in my life since 2005, as was Schatszie since 1993. This time around, I just don't see a ladder to exit the pit I find myself in. All I can do is stay as busy as possible while I grind my teeth.

SummerHolly, I'm really glad you have made progress in coping, or chosen a stategy to help in coping with Holly. Me? I just cannot figure out what direction to go. Nothing makes sense, not even time.

You know just thinking of your grandfather. My mother never remarried after losing dad because I think he was a man ahead of his time where most men of his generation are very conservative, but if she had found a nice, caring man that made her happy that would have been okay by me and my sister. Dad would have been fine with it, he just wanted her to be happy. One thing I have learned in life is that sometimes you just have to be happy that someone you love has another chance at happiness. I would think differently if it was a bad person.

I understand how and why you are feeling like you do about Steffie. I have been through those feelings myself particularly after losing dad at much a younger age than he deserved and watching him fade away over time and watching my mother dealing with, that was so hard but with a lot of time I have been able to climb out of that pit. He is still in my heart and memories.

Like you with Steffie, my mother has struggled to climb out of that pit. She didnt deserve to lose him that way and I can sense the same elements about your loss of Steffie. My mother has struggled at times to find a way through as she is ultimately always more pessistic than me and suffers bouts of depression and dad left me in charge of looking after her. Her dogs have been a real blessing. I have had use to a lot of energy at times to inspire and encourage her and I think that has helped her move forward which she has.

I have often had to wrack my brains for ways to inspire her, even had to drag her kicking and screaming at times, figuritively speaking of course. I think she thinks I am quite crazy at times but it seems to work. My dad was also a little crazy pushing her way out of her comfort zone so I think it is good I am my fathers daughter.

Yes I cant imagine loving a dog as much as I loved Holly, she is my default sure, but it wont stop me trying.

My life has often been chaotic and I have taken risks because that is what makes me feel alive. I can be impulsive although everything has been a calculated risk. Same with my dogs of recent years, with unexpected rescuing of several abused puppies. I just take it as it comes and deal with it on the run. I am a master at building ladders out of pits. I look for the meaning in things and am the ultimate optimist really. Doesnt mean I miss Holly or love her less, but I can let certain things go and embrace her essence into my self.

This way of thinking has taken a lot of soul searching and years of considering the universe, the world and what it means, but it is in my nature to resolve it in as positive way as possible. It is just how I work, but it hasnt been easy.

I understand the difficulty with aging and ill parents having lost my dad and my mother is now 85 and I dread losing her more than anything. That is going to be my biggest challenge of all.

I know I will cope but I still dread it, as although we dont always see eye to eye, one thing about my mother is that she loves my sister and I and always has our back if she can. We share many amazing and scary memories of a life that took us around the world to different countries and several areas of high conflict, a very different childhood to many and because we were always on the move, memories shared only by my immediate family.

Earl you just have to be true to yourself in all of this. I am a bit crazy, eccentric and wildly opptimistic, that is just who I am. So how I deal with this is going to be different to the way you do. All I can do is be here if you want to talk. It helps me as well. I find writing down what I am feeling helps to solve things for me.

Moon beam has a calm considered knowledgable approach which also puts things into perspective.

It appears that your childhood travels have given you a more logical outlook on things, your resilency. I admit that my outlook or my direction concerning Steffie is quite negative. Seems as though I've done nothing but &%^yze things my entire life. Look ahead before you step.

I haven't had many good things to say about the human race for sometime now. Even though, many would call me a hermit, nonsocial, but, I'm not that at all. They think they have me pegged, but most are way off course. Believe me, I take both your's and Moon_Beam's advice and comments like it was plated in gold, because, I know we all three have very much in common, being single and unmarried. We are 'Free Thinkers'. We do not have to get permission from someone else in our lives. I see so much of this 'getting permission' with married people of today. I NEVER saw such growing up, like with my Parents/Grandparents. I can't live like that, and I won't. This is why I have simplified my life starting back in the early 90's, after I got Schatszie.

I can tell you this, ....I wouldn't still be communicating on this site if it wasn't for both you and Moon_Beam.

You might say I'm a self-taught gunsmith. Theres ONLY one person that I'm good friends with, concerning this business and life in general, and he's 10 years older than I. He is a self taught jack of all trades.....an absolute vanishing breed. A VERY INTELLIGENT person with zero college. Other than my Parents, he and my companion are about it on my list of who I wish to communicate with or did. As the years passed, I KNOW Steffie understood most of what I said to her. I knew when she didn't understand, because she would cock her head to the side and stare at me. I sure do miss Steffie, in so many, many ways. I would give my life to restore hers. I put all my eggs in one basket.

Yes I was brought up by parents who worked as a team. I remember a man that I spent a lot of time with telling me that the thing he found hardest to take about me was my free spirit and need to do the things that I loved. Huh? That is what attracted him to me in the first place. Needless to say I got fed up with that attitude and free spirited out of there. I dont expect to give permission or ask it, it is about mutual respect and understanding what makes each other tick.

I think a dog that you really connect with it is about that. Holly absolutely knew I loved to make her happy and that I would try my best to take any pain away and keep her safe. In return she gave me all of herself and she loved to do stuff as a team. There was nothing she loved better than working with me. We understood and trusted each other totally.

So I can well relate to your Steffie understanding what you said. Dogs that are very close to you can absolutely read you like a book. I remember my old Jess became completely deaf. I never gave it any thought untill she stayed with mother for awhile when I had to go away. When I got back my mother told me that there was a difficulty in communication because she was deaf. I realised then that because we had become so in tune with each other it was as if she wasnt deaf.

I am sure people think I am rather eccentric. I just like to keep clear of the sometimes illogical goings on of the human race in general. I hate getting embroiled in drama and avoid it where possible. Dogs are what they are, there is no pretense what so ever.

I am a pretty &%^ytical person but I also like to test myself so I take calculated risks. My parents did everytime they moved, some of the best times didnt always pay off financially but they paid mightily in experience and happiness.

I am just a sucker for dogs. I just love having them in my life. Holly is now part of me. I can feel her and see her in my mind. She has transitioned into someting that is real in a non physical kind of way.

I know you miss your Steffie but she was a wonderous creature and you alone will hold her specialness. She would want you to move forward from this. Imagine if you had decided to call it quits with dogs after Schatszie then you would never have known Steffie. Steffie might have come to you for a reason, maybe to look inside yourself and work out how you can grow from this. We have many chains that bind us mentally. You dont have to set aside your core beliefs but you can grow from experiences. You may never be ready to welcome another companion but then again you might be missing out on something very special. Dogs have a great capacity to become special when they are one on one with us. Sometimes it is simply about taking a leap of faith and not over &%^ysing.

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can so relate when you share with us: "we all three have very much in common, being single and unmarried. We are 'Free Thinkers'. We do not have to get permission from someone else in our lives." While I was growing up I had to act like an "adult" - - was frequently in situations where I had to make decisions that no child should. Consequently I became quite independent minded, and through my life I have been informed that this made me "undesirable" as a woman. One man asked me why I wasn't married. I told him "I haven't met anyone who could measure up to the standards of my dog." He then proceeded to inquire if it was because no man would "surrender" to me. I responded "no - - it is because I haven't met any man who would genuinely and completely love, honor, protect, and cherish me above all others." This man had no reply. One of my siblings told me in recent years that my "standards" for a human life mate were "too high."

Our companions enlighten us in so many ways through their exuberance to be with us and accepting us for the mere fallible mortals we are. They show us how relationships "should be", and because of this, this is one of the many reasons why the adjustment journey is so very painful when they precede us to the angels.

I can so understand how you feel when you share with us: "This time around, I just don't see a ladder to exit the pit I find myself in. All I can do is stay as busy as possible while I grind my teeth. I just cannot figure out what direction to go. Nothing makes sense, not even time." I remember this same feeling many times in my life, including after the automobile collision when everyone was telling me "to get on with my life." I kept asking "how", and no one could, or would, give me an answer. It was a very dark time in my life with little hope for anything good. It took a very long time - - literally years - - until I was able to begin to find hope in the process of rebuilding my life. And each day now continues to be one more victory - - one day at a time. Sometimes when we find ourselves in intolderable circumstances all we can do is grind our teeth and endure through the darkness one step at a time. You are not alone in your journey, Earl.

I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Schatszie's, Steffie's, and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Earl, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

" Sometimes it is simply about taking a leap of faith and not over &%^ysing."..........I will admit that taking that 'leap' is my greatest fear at the present. There are many emotions flowing right now. My total devotion to Steffie, or as Moon_Beam explained, this 'caregiver's syndrome'. As we both know, Holly and Steffie did things or things to us that no other had. Its just very hard for me to accept Steffie is gone. Its just a bad situation, one I've never been in before. You are probably still trying to adjust in your daily routines, where everything you did daily like clockwork, Holly would do certain things in each of those tasks. The same thing here. I think of the situation of getting another, and their personality would not be the same as Steffie's during these daily tasks, and I would forever think of Steffie doing things in such a unique manner. I know this all sounds weird. As I said before, I put all my eggs in one basket, with no provisions for relief.

We could all write a book about living single. As with your Parents, my Parents & Grandparents worked as a team. There was never any of this present day paranoia that you see in these marriages. About 7 years ago, three of my old friends and myself organized(by me) a get together one afternoon at a mexican restaurant. Three of us were in one of the friend's wedding. Yes, the other three were married. One of the three didn't show, but called me on cell to tell me that he couldn't find our location. This was an outrageous lie. A second one got a phone call from his wife after he had been there only 2 hours, and he said he had to leave(via his wife's paranoia that he might be cheating). That left just the one friend that we were in the wedding and myself. Just before he and I left, his phone rang and it was his wife. I went away from that night thinking of how glad I was to be single, and HOW these other three friends could live like that. Two of the friends hadn't seen some of us for ~15 years!

In my business, I see it all the time where the married buyer trys to hide his purchase with cash, etc.. I'm even seeing an increase of people wanting 'me' to call them instead of the 'customer' calling the business! My Parents/Grandparents NEVER lived like all of this, and I won't either. Just like I see some married people, where their pet passes and the husband or wife is taking the death very hard, then the other spouse tells them they are acting foolishly in their grief!? I mean, what is that type of relationship all about??

Moon_Beam said it right as per her response about not being married, etc.. Our pets have never been given credit on what a major role they play in our daily lives, and then you look at their pitiful longevity with us.

Can you imagine what a beautiful world it would be if our companions, AT LEAST, lived to 20-30 years?

" One man asked me why I wasn't married. I told him "I haven't met anyone who could measure up to the standards of my dog." He then proceeded to inquire if it was because no man would "surrender" to me. I responded "no - - it is because I haven't met any man who would genuinely and completely love, honor, protect, and cherish me above all others." This man had no reply."........Moon_Beam, this man had no reply because he is part of the human race that is lost in their journey, even though they think they are heading in a 'right direction'. He had no clue what you were talking about.

"Sometimes when we find ourselves in intolderable circumstances all we can do is grind our teeth and endure through the darkness one step at a time."........This 'sometimes' has definitely come home to roost with me. I knew way ahead of time that loosing Steffie would me really bad. It would be 'one day at a time'.

" I remember this same feeling many times in my life, including after the automobile collision when everyone was telling me "to get on with my life." I kept asking "how", and no one could, or would, give me an answer."......When you had no response to 'how'?, this automatically reminds me of people the past weeks telling me to get another puppy, etc.. I didn't respond to any of them but I would think, "How, How could I get another one 'right now'? "What in the heck are you thinking?" "Is that all your pet represented to you while they were alive?"

" One of my siblings told me in recent years that my "standards" for a human life mate were "too high."........So you are to 'keep up with the Jones' and lower your standards so you can be like the majority. This somewhat reminds me of what I saw recently. I was driving near a nearby small university and had to stop at a red light. there were ~10 students waiting to cross the road in front of me. ALL of them had a smart phone in their hand staring at it, even as they proceeded across the intersection.

I refuse to be 'like everyone else'.

Thanks Moon_Beam for all you instill into me. You and SummerHolly have been God Sends. I don't know if I've contributed in anyway. Kind of why I thought I was previously being a nuisance. Kind of hard to give good coordinates when you're adrift in the middle of an ocean.

Above all, I hope you and Noah are doing well.

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me reassure you that you are not a nuisance. There are times in our lives when we need to lean on the comfort, support, encouragement, and hope through others while we strive to restore / re-establish our life's "bearings". Although there may be visitors to this website who read your forum but do not respond does not mean you are not being helpful to them - - it simply means they are either not ready or are unable to share their thoughts and feelings at this time. In sharing your journey, Earl, you are helping others - - many unknown to you now - - to find a way to cope with their loss as well.

Like you I have always preferred to be accepted for the unique individual I am instead of as another body in the "crowd".

I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Schatszie's, Steffie's, and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Earl, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Now that would be a fine thing if Holly and Steffie had lived all of our lives with us. Pets do play a major role and it is unfortunate that more credit is not given.. But that is humans for you. Dogs were an intergral part of our success as a species and have been intertwined with us for a very long time.

Yeah I like being single. I too have seen some weird stuff working in a male dominated industry and sport. I remember going on my yearly seasonal trip to an extreme sporting location with another girlfriend also into the sport, and my dogs. Most of my male friends would be there on their boys trip. Well one of the girlfriends rang me up and demanded that we didnt go, in case we tempted her man I guess. I told her that was her problem and nothing to do with me or my friend. I was going to do the sport, the last thing on my mind was her man, who by the way had been good friends with me long before her, and he was just a friend. We all had a blast and no man stealing went on LOL. If you cant trust and share with your partner then you have a problem I reckon.

Yes everyday I miss the things I did with Holly and the ways that she responded. I often try the same things with my other dogs and they obviously respond in different ways. I have to deal with this for sure and every day I miss and talk to my Holly. However my others and particularly my youngest have funny little ways of their own. All I can do is tune into this. There is a uniqueness about each dog.

Unlike you my first response when I lose a dog is to get another puppy. This time round I havent as I already have other young dogs. I just find puppies refreshing and enchanting and revitalising. For me it has nothing to do with the dog I lost. I hold each of then tight in my heart and remember them in detail. For me it is about renewing the joy I have in loving a dog. For me it is aboout giving another dog a chance of being loved. I think Holly would approve of that. In fact it almost heightens my feelings about the dogs I have lost. I cant explain it but that is how it makes me feel. I find it healing. Life is short and we deserve to be happy. Holly and I were happy, I loved Holly and made her happy. I want more dogs to be happy. I will never forget my Holly or any of them. Holly loved puppies and she always welcomed into the house, and she loved to play with them.

Yes I too had a serious head on high speed collision it took me out of my sport for nearly 2 years. It was the pits but no one died thank goodness. You do realise that you do have to get on with your life because no one really cares that much after a little while, as everyone is dealing with stuff in their lives. You kind of have to figure it out for yourself most times. I am always on the lookout for stuff and reinventing my life. Sometimes professional help can be really useful, I prefer to figure stuff out myself if I can..

Yeah the whole smartphone and selfies culture amuses me. I see a group of people out having lunch together and they are all glued to their phones. What the heck is that all about? I would have to keep getting my glasses out. Must be getting old. I like modern technology but I draw the line at that.

You deserve to be happy again Earl. I know the loss of Steffie has taken its toll and I understand the caregivers syndrome, which is probably a bit different to my experiences, although Holly had some major surgeries, it was not the same as with you and Steffie.

I dont know how you will work through this but it will be in your own way. The desire to be happy again is not to dishonour Steffie. If she looking down on you now she will want you to be happy that is for sure. It is unbearable sometimes their loss, I know but it is just not something we can control. What we can control is what happens next, we are masters of our destiny. I think each of my dogs have made me stronger, my Holly makes me stronger because I knew her and her pure love.

"Unlike you my first response when I lose a dog is to get another puppy. This time round I havent as I already have other young dogs. I just find puppies refreshing and enchanting and revitalising. For me it has nothing to do with the dog I lost. I hold each of then tight in my heart and remember them in detail. For me it is about renewing the joy I have in loving a dog. For me it is aboout giving another dog a chance of being loved. I think Holly would approve of that. In fact it almost heightens my feelings about the dogs I have lost. I cant explain it but that is how it makes me feel. I find it healing. Life is short and we deserve to be happy. Holly and I were happy, I loved Holly and made her happy. I want more dogs to be happy. I will never forget my Holly or any of them."......... Everyone knows whats best for them, so please don't think that I think less of someone else doing different than I. I know you and Moon_Beam 'now' understand why I'm having residual problems in consideration of getting another. It could be that I'm over-&%^yzing my situation, but, it's hard to explain really. It has to do with so many things,....1) 'Knowing' Steffie's life would be cut short and 'living with that' for a long, long time, 2) NEVER knowing 'when' the end was near, 3) Living with Steffie's 4th Stage Renal failure for 1.5 months, while watching her poor body dwindle to skin and bones. This particular health situation, I truly believe it is silently eating away inside of not only your companion, but 'you' yourself. You do not realize the damage to you till AFTER they are gone.

I simply cannot quit repeating myself as to how insidious 'PRIMARY' 'Protein Loosing' kidney disease is. I've often wondered which is worse, A) That your Pet is given a death sentence over an extended time period,...OR....2) They suddenly die.

" Sometimes professional help can be really useful, I prefer to figure stuff out myself if I can.."........For me, myself, the time spent here at this site with you and Moon_Beam has been totally beneficial for me, for. 'Professional Help' outside this scenario with you two, wouldn't accomplish a thing for 'Me'. Only 'I' can work through all of this.

Day by Day, I keep reminding myself of my age. Life is shorter now by the day. I 'KNOW' that 'IF' I ever consider another puppy, it will have to happen in the months to come.