Today I had to say good-bye to Sarah my first and only dog I've ever had. I got her as a puppy from the humane society in 1998. She has been more than I've ever dreamed a dog could be and by having no children of my own she was my baby girl. It has been just me and her living alone for the past seven years. I can't believe I won't see her anymore. I've been grieving for the last year knowing I was going to lose her. I've cried and cried many, many times but nothing prepared me for the crippling emptiness I have inside now. I miss her so much and I told her I was sorry again and again. The medicine she was taking wasn't working anymore and this morning she was yelling in pain and I couldn't stop it any other way but to rush her to her vet. It was a horrific experience to see her go and I want my baby girl back. I'm almost 50 years old and have been divorced from my wife for 7 years and now I'm alone. I LOVE YOU SARAH Daddy loves you so much baby girl.

Russ -
I'm so sorry for your loss. I had to let my dog Vienna go exactly a week ago and am still heartbroken. Like you, it was just her and me for just over 8 years. The house seems so dark and lonely even though it had previously been my refuge and place of renewal and happiness with Vienna. Like Sarah, even though Vienna was only 9 and had a sudden unexpected illness, there was no choice but to have her put to sleep. I can tell you that even though the grief lasts, the horror and chaos of that decision fades. Just last night, I had a dream that I was holding Vienna tight and she was happy. Even though I thought today would be horrible, I've felt more ok than I have rest of the week because the idea that I did the best, most loving thing I could for Vienna has started to sink in. I still miss her tremendously and it takes my breath away when I approach my door expecting her to greet me as she always did.

I had to put my previous dog Keith to sleep before igot Vienna. Now I only have good memories of him and I know this will come for Vienna in time. By the way, I'm also getting ready to turn 50 later this month. I expected to have Vienna here with me and age is no protection from this pain.

All I can say is that the people who understand unconditional love will understand and support you through this pain. I know it feels unbearable and like you can't go on. But the people on this site have helped me get through the same feelings and I hope they can do the same for you.

Take care, Tara

Hi, Russ, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Sarah. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Russ, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - it is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in your own way and in your time for it is now a journey that is filled with all the "first withouts" and the memories that right now seem all too painful that include "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure.

But as Tara has so comfortingly reassured you, please let me add my reassurance that it is a journey you will never have to travel alone, for each of us here truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

When we know our companions have chronic / serious health challenges we find ourselves in a journey that is called Anticipatory Grief. This is similar to the post-loss grief journey except that our companions are still physically with us, and we do everything that is in our power to keep them happy and comfortable and healthy as their medical situation permits. But you are so right that NOTHING in heaven or on earth can ever prepare us for the moment when our companions transition home to the angels - - and we are left behind to navigate the pain and sorrow of adjusting our lives to their physical absence.

When our companions come into our hearts, our lives are changed for the better. They literally become the center of our universe and everything we do from that moment forward revolves around their physical, medical, and emotional needs. Whenever they lick / kiss us, rub against us, etc., they are literally chemically imprinting themselves on us so that they can identify us from all the other millions of people that inhabit this planet. When they precede us to the angels, we literally go through a physical withdrawal from this chemical imprinting, and it is very painful both physically and emotionally.

But I assure you, Russ, as Tara has, that it will not always be this way. One day when you least expect it you will be thinking of your beloved Sarah and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and your heart will warm once again with all the treasured memories you and your beloved Sarah share - - for the love bond you and your beloved Sarah share is eternal, Russ - - it is not dependent upon or restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will - - for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Russ - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there really are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still, I hope and pray the words I share with you will be able to offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Sarah with us, Russ. What a beautiful little girl she is, and you are so honored to be her Forever Dad. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Russ, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you both so much for your kindness it helps me to focus on the hope I have to be with her again someday. I've been up for 2 straight days now and still am not tired, just in a daze I think. Sarah was the very first and only dog I've ever had and she gave me so much, just so much. My divorce brought an end to our life in the only home that Sarah knew, it was a nice place in the country where she had 3 acres of fenced in yard to play. After me and Sarah moved out we stayed in 3 different places and I got very depressed with all the changes and financial woes. And Sarah knew I was getting worse so that little girl came up to me and demanded I take her for a walk which is something I hadn't done in a long time. But every evening she would get her leash and tell me it was time to walk. And then she didn't want to just walk around 1 block but 2 then 3 and 4 blocks. And then without realizing it she had lifted my depression and then we'd go on 2-3 mile walks at night when it was cool. I always brought a collapsible bowl and bottle of water for her on our walks. Well then last year I bought us our own house and told her this was going to be home. Soon after that her back legs started getting stiff till finally we couldn't take walks anymore. At about the same time I was layed off from my job of 24 years and am still not back to work yet. But being home this past year was a blessing because Sarah needed help to stand and then it got to where she lost too much muscle to even stand so at that point she needed someone around all the time and I'm so glad I could do that.
I then went and bought a good size wagon, filled it with pillows and we were able to take our walks again. And she loved the wagon as she was too weak for the waggin-wheels-chair I got for her but never could use.
But for the last several months she became weaker and couldn't take wagon rides anymore. She had to lay on her side on top of a supportive bed I had for her. That's when the sadness really started to hit me knowing she was frustrated being unable to sit up. Then I've been hand feeding her whatever she wanted and she learned how to drink water from a bottle I placed in one side of her mouth. It is very hard to watch her in that condition, but up to that point the only discomfort she had was when she had to potty and I learned how to help her do that. But this last month she wasn't doing good and her pain increased, I was able to relieve her pain and discomfort with the ultram and tranzene she was on. But at the last I had to give her a lot, a lot of medicine to make her comfortable until Saturday morning the medicine quit working and I had no choice but to rush her to her vet yesterday unannounced. I knew this was coming and have been reeling with deep sadness, regret, guilt and all that for the last few months. Now my home feels cold and I have feelings I can't describe, feelings I've never had before even when I've lost people close to me the pain was not like this. She was my world, my friend that went everywhere with me aside from work. And after-work I'd dash home to her cause that's where I wanted to be. She never bit anyone or done anything wrong. When I had to work over and was gone from the house for 13-14 hours she'd hold it in until I'd get home even though I laid down pads and showed her they were there for her to use. That's when I realized she had not been drinking any of her water until I got home. That broke my heart and I didn't work over after that. She knew me like no one ever has and we communicated effortlessly. I'm sorry for going on and on I just want her so bad just to hold her. I miss her so much and it's only been a day, I fear how much more I will miss her as time goes on. Thanks to all of you very much. I Love You Sarah with everything that I am.

I'm so sorry Russ. It's clear how much you loved her, and you obviously took such incredible care of her, I hope that gives you some comfort. The wagon story is beautiful, not everyone would do that and I bet she appreciated it.

I can related to the unbearable void that's left, and I'm sure it's strong in your case because you were SO involved in here life in her later years - taking giving her medicine, buying the supportive bed. I didn't realize until this week just how accustomed I'd become to giving my sweet Meatball insulin twice a day.

I'm thinking of you and can relate to what you're going through.

Russ, I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet, Sarah. Almost six weeks ago, I lost my two kitties, Joe (age 20) and Steve (age 15). The bond formed over such long years, as you had with Sarah, is incredible and I, too, know the anticipated grief of knowing the end is drawing near. Like you, my husband and I have no children, so our furry ones ARE our children. These first weeks and months are so difficult. At first I almost felt like I couldn't breathe and like I was moving in slow-motion every day. I can assure you, though, that the pain eases a bit, becomes more bearable. I still feel sadness every day and miss them terribly, think I see them and hear them in the house, think it's time for me to feed them or give them medicine. The triggers are everywhere.

This forum is a very comforting place to be during this time of grief, though. The people here are so supportive and understanding. I've been hanging out here a lot in the past six weeks. We all know what you're going through and will walk along side you.

I hope you will have a restful evening.

CritzyJ

Hi, Russ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and your beloved Sarah's picture. It is very obvious how happy she is to have you as her Forever Dad. All any of us need to do is look into her eyes and the smile on her face to see her eternal love and devotion to you.

Clinical professionals now recognize that the physical loss of a beloved companion is as painful, if not more so, as the physical loss of a human family member or friend, and that the grief journey is identical. Why? Because our companions give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them without hesitation or fear of rejection. They accept us for who we are without reservation or expectations for us to be "better" or "different" or "more" than what we are. They do not care about our social status or financial wealth - - they just want us to love them back - - everything else is a bonus.

So please permit me to try to reassure you that what you are going through is very normal deep grief. It is especially painful during the deep grief as we can literally begin to think we are going out of our minds with sorrow. This is one of the many reasons why it is so important for you to know you are not alone - - to know with confidence that we are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of your grief adjustment journey.

Russ, I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, but unfortunately there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the journey make it immediately disappear. Try not to look down the "future road" too much right now but rather focus on taking one day at a time - - one moment at a time - - as what is best for you. And if I may offer a suggestion that has helped many people, including myself: When you feel the deepest sorrow overwhelming you, you may find it helpful to hold your beloved Sarah's collar and leash, a toy, a blanket - - something - - that belongs only to her. For many weeks after each of my companions joined the angels I slept with their collars under my pillow, and when my arms ached to hold them I held the collars in my hands and arms as I cried. It does help to ease the brokenness - - to "bridge" the physical absence until we are strong enough to adjust to it.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Sarah with us, Russ. I hope today is treating you kindly and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hello Russ,

I am so sorry to hear about Sarah. From what I have read about you, you must have meant the world to this wonderful dog.

I am struggling with my own loss from Rocket, my cat of 5 years who I had to put to sleep on August 30th. I barely ate the first few days and got sick and rundown from both the grief of his passing but also for the month of taking care of him with a feeding tube diet and all that stress and money worries too, but mostly my fear he would not get better and that I would lose him.

I also can't really explain how empty my life has been these past 10 days or so since I had to give him back to a higher power.

Like you and TaraG (I am sorry for your loss too!) I am about to turn 50 in November and did not plan to be alone and also did not consider I would lose my little buddy so soon. I sometimes feel my other male friends think I am nuts to be as sad as I am about this. But I don't care - I just feel what i need to feel.

I try to give him (Rocket) a voice now, a thought I keep focusing on is if he could talk to me now, how much love for me would he express? The comfort comes from knowing he would share with me those same memories and feelings that I had for him.

They always tell us that pets love us unconditionally, but what they fail to tell us is that often we humans love them just as unconditionally too - remember this when you think of Sarah like I do when I think of Rocket:

The sadness you feel and the loss and grief you are coping with could have easily been lost on another that might have ended up with your beautiful pet and not shown them the kindness and love you did - it is far better to be a person who feels and grieves for these innocent creatures than to be a person who casts them aside by not grieving with the level of pain you are having. This and only this is the reason we found these wonderful souls to take care of - there was simply no other person(s) who could have measured the same loss or the weight of their unique value in the universe besides ourselves. Eventually I think the grief will turn to honor and thankfulness for adding to and enriching our own precious lives and making us better human beings.

I smile and cry at the same time these days because missing him does not subtract the happiness I had for knowing him - it resonates like a ringing bell inside me still and I think it always will.

I share your loss with you (and all of you) and I hope you heal well from this in your own time needed for you to do so.

Best wishes,

-Doug

I am so sorry to read about Sarah and your pain following her passing over. I could lie to you and say that it will soon disappear - but I won't do that. If you really loved Sarah that much (and to me it is obvious that you did) then the grieving period may take quite a while. Just try to live one day at a time, and when you become flooded with grief, immediately try to balance it by thinking of the many happy times you shared - and feel strongly grateful for that happiness. Positive emotions can help the pain.

You say, "I can't believe I won't see her anymore." Please keep your mind and heart open to the possibility that only her physical body has died, and that she is happy and out of pain in another dimension. If you choose to believe that she is still alive, albeit elsewhere, and restored to vigour, then that will give you a lot of comfort. Remember, too, that you gave her the very best of loving care here on earth, and that she is out of pain.

You will meet again in due course. My warmest best wishes to you!

Thank you all so much, hearing that others loved their special ones so much makes me feel better about the state of this world which can seem so cold and uncaring at times. Yes the emptiness I'm feeling is something I've never known. I got to sleep with the help of some medicine last night about 3:30am. I'd been up since Friday night, I just couldn't relax. Sunday I went to visit my parents whom are in their mid 80's and I'm thankful they are still here. They lost their cat of 17-years almost a year ago and they know how bad it is, especially since they know how much I love Sarah. My dad was concerned about me not sleeping and took my blood pressure that was 195/125. So I decided I needed to force my body to rest.

I slept about six hours and my head doesn't hurt as bad. I've never cried so hard as to make my head feel like it was on fire. I stayed at a friends house last night and will tonight also. Their dog came up to me forcing kisses and stayed right beside me the whole time I slept. They said their dog of 12-years has never behaved like this. Their dog knew mine quite well and has never seen me without her. But I feel so much guilt for getting angry at times over the last six months because I didn't know what I could do for Sarah to make her better. I had so much frustration from being powerless to help her. And when she would cry out I fell to pieces and would yell please, please don't, please stop it. I would apologize to her for me not being mature enough to cope with what was happening and I would sleep next to her and hold her. I'm afraid I hurt her feelings. But over time I slowly learned to keep calm and was a better dad. But when she cried out because it hurt to go potty I just couldn't take it and I think back now and see where I was not accepting the situation and just wanted things to be like they used to. And that is now really eating me alive.

I don't know if I was crazy or what but I became so overloaded with emotion during these times of her crying out that I would do things that I now hate myself for. It's hard for me to talk about this but I can only think I was being selfish and would lose it because I didn't want to accept that I was going to lose her. I'm so glad that God must have seen my struggle that he gave me the strength to deal with what was happening and I changed my behavior. Going through the last 6-8 months I was met with so many strong emotions that I'd never had before and being alone during that time worked against me.

I don't know, now I'm very distraught and when I came back home tonight I cried out for her to please come home. I also feel bad about having to put her pictures away because I can't handle it right now. She was on my screen-saver, the wallpaper on my phone and everywhere I look she's there. About a year ago I built her a long ramp off my back porch that has a gradual slope and lined it with guard rails and an anti-skid surface for when she wanted out. Back then I could help her get up and she could walk and do her business. I have so much around me like you guys have described that is hers.

Some people don't understand how much my little girl means to me, but she is a part of me and I did what I needed to do to take care of her. Like during the last month when I would go to the store before I left home I would call my home phone from my cell phone and leave it on so I could hear if she got in a bind while I was gone. For not being able to walk she could maneuver herself into the darnedest places and get herself stuck. Like somehow getting completely under the dresser that I had blocked off with boxes. She would get scared because she trapped herself in and cry out. I'd come home and get her out it and then it all seemed a bit comical and I'd say girl would you please tell me how in the world are you able to move these boxes and squeeze yourself under there.

Anyway thank you so much for taking the time to relate your experiences and wisdom. Things are overwhelming right now and even though I know there are things in life that will happen no matter how much you don't want them to it still seems unreal when it does happen. Russ Noblesville Indiana

Hi, Russ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to offer you some words of encouragement as you continue in your grief adjustment journey.

From first hand experience I do understand your sincere remorse for the things said and done in a moment of frustration and feelings of inadequacy that later on pierce our hearts like a flaming sword. Each of us find ourselves asking our companions for forgiveness for being "mere mortals". The good news is that our companions DO understand that we are imperfect humans, and unconditionally accept and love us in spite of our imperfections. A moment of venting frustration does not negate a lifetime of devoted love and attention. Your beloved Sarah is now with each of our beloved companions in heaven's perfect garden sharing her story of all the wonderful things you - - her Forever Dad - - did for her during her earthly journey. All the "unpleasant" things are forgotten. Hopefully, in time, your heart will be able to know this and will be able to focus on the many treasured memories you and your beloved Sarah share.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Russ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Russ -
Even though I'm still hurting tremendously over losing Vienna, I've thought of you many times and wondered how you're doing. I know how tough it is to walk up to an empty house when it had been filled with everything you shared with your Sarah. I spent several days at my mom's house, like you did, because the loneliness and silence was too much. I think the difficulty of facing an empty house...and maybe even worse, walking in expecting to see your girl happy to greet you and realizing that she's not there (this has happened frequently in the past week since Vienna passed)... Is probably a sign that we haven't yet reached the stage of acceptance. I don't know a lot about grief...but I know that's a step. I guess it just takes time and will hopefully ease the pain. I don't know. It doesn't feel like it could but something has to.

I don't understand why it's so hard right now to remember the good times rather than all the stuff that makes you (and me) feel guilty. But you said some great things about Sarah in several of your posts that shows that you have those memories. And that you went way beyond what most humans would do. I think she couldn't have had a better life. And it just sucks when our best friends get sick or old and there's nothing we can do. But I have to keep telling myself that the bad stuff (which I know is just a natural part of life) was far outweighed by the good stuff. Vienna didn't need nearly as much care as Sarah since she was younger when he passed. But I know I did everything I could to give her a good life. And, like you, I learned the lesson a while ago...before it was too late to make a difference...to always treat her gently and without anger. I think what always mattered most to them was that we were there...even if we were frustrated or imperfect.

I'll just end by saying that I still have moments where I just break down each day because I miss her so much. And some days are much better than others. But I do think it gets incrementally better. The love you had for her will never go away. Unfortunately, that means the grief, which is basically just another name for missing her, never will either. But it shouldn't be so painful at some point. You can miss something without being sad. I'm sure we'll both get there someday. Keep hanging in there. This seems unbearable sometimes but the strength you showed for her will pull you through. At least this is what I'm hoping for both of us.

Take care.
Tara

Dear Russ and Tara,

Just wanted to offer you a little bit of hope during this difficult time. When I lost Joe and Steve six weeks ago, I didn't think I could get through it. I cried so hard I almost couldn't breathe. The knot in my chest felt like it was going to explode. I didn't think it would ever go away and I didn't want it to go away because I thought that it would mean a lost connection between me and my boys.

What I have found recently, though, is that the intense pain does ease up. I'm still sad and still cry a little bit most days (even today), but I am able to think of them fondly. I don't dwell all day about their last days and that final day. The pain and missing them is still there, but it's manageable somehow.

I do have one reoccurring thing, though. I process and process, I work through the grief. I journal. I light candles for them on most days and then all of a sudden I get this feeling like, "Okay, I've worked through this. I'm doing better. Now, it's time for them to come home." Like grieving well should somehow have the reward of my kitties returning to me. And the pain hits all over again. I guess that means that deep down inside there's a part of me still in denial that they're gone.

The one thing I'm not doing is stuffing my feelings away. I lost a precious kitty 13 years ago, grieved for a few weeks and then stuffed all my feelings in a box and moved on. I wouldn't really recommend that as I felt I did lose a connection to him (until he came to me in a dream a few weeks ago with Joe and Steve). I still feel Joe and Steve with me and I intend to continue to keep that connection going because I loved them so completely and they were such precious companions to me for such a long time.

I hope my experience gives you hope that you can get through this. The day will come when you feel like you can do this. And you'll probably cycle back and forth, but the happier times will come. I'm hoping for all of us that those days will come.

CritzyJ

Hearing what you guys (gals) are going through and how you are dealing with it is truly appreciated. Last night I was miserable and though those around me said it'll be ok, I replied that I didn't want it to be ok because I too am fearful that getting past the pain means I'm forgetting her and losing the bond we shared. So hearing that my grief and concerns are not unique does give me comfort. You all have the same intense feeling for your loved ones that have passed on as I have. And I do thank you for relating your personal stories and love in them.
I can relate to not fully accepting what has happened and I found myself talking to Sarah as I normally would day to day. Not really pretending but acting out that she is with me. Like helping her into the truck and asking her if she wants to get a cheeseburger. Doing this is being in denial I guess but it comes from wanting to be with her so badly.
I would love/need to just know she is alright. If she would somehow let me know that she is fine and will be waiting for me to be with her again and forever. It's so hard to try and make sense of how and in what fashion we will see each other again and how our special love will be related one another. I guess the mechanics of it all is out of my hands and out of my grasp of understanding. Still I wish I could see her if only for a moment then I truly think a great weight would be lifted.
I know we all want, need that assurance, and I do believe it comes to us, I just want to be able to recognize it when it comes.
One of the hardest feelings to endure has been one of feeling scared. The empty shaky feeling in my stomach along with a chilling cold that radiates through-out my being. Getting cold feet and wanting to run away from everything and everybody. I've had similar feelings like this before at different times in my life but never at this unbearable intensity. I guess this is what comes from letting the emotions come as they do. I'm just me and have always been an open book because I never understood the act that I've seen some around me put on. That is why this outlet is such a blessing, you all have the same type of love, albeit we are all different but it all amounts to the same thing. Life is no picnic and I am so unbelievably slow to the learn lessons that I feel I should've already known. But now I clearly see how each moment we share when we are with are our unconditional loving angels is a gift from above. I wish there was a different term to use besides pets because they are so much more than that.
To me, my Sarah was/is a teacher, a healer, a companion, a friend who knows me better than I know myself and a guide who helps me overcome obstacles and so much more They give so much more than a person realizes. I guess the best way to describe them is to knowing what they are, Angels. God bless each and every one of you for you are Angels too.

Hi, Russ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can so relate to how you feel when you share with us: "I never understood the act that I've seen some around me put on." One of the hardest things to do when we are in our deep grief is putting on what I call the "public face." I remember oh so very well the deep gut-wrenching sobbing while I was driving into work and being thankful for the privacy of the restroom where I could retreat to during the day so that I could regain my composure and go back to my desk to resume my work. And then once I was back in my car driving home the floodgates of uncontrollable tears would burst forth once again. While clinical professionals agree that the grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is the same as for the physical loss of a human family member or friend, our society in general - - and sadly some of the people who are closest to us emotionally and geographically - - do not.

And this is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here for us as a safe place where we can come to put aside our "public faces" and share with one another what is in our hearts without fear of reproach.

I also want to reassure you that as your deep sorrow eases you will NEVER forget your beloved Sarah - - for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Russ. Even now in my very older years I can still remember my companions as a very young girl, and even now sometimes there is still a mist that comes to my eyes with the good memories because there will always be a part of me that still longs to be able to hold them again. The good news is that I have the hope of joining them in eternal joy, and this is a comfort to me - - as I hope and pray it will become a comfort to your heart with your beloved Sarah.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Russ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi, tonight I'm going to bible study and talk with my pastor afterwards. I am having a very hard time and everyone has helped give me hope of a happy life somewhere down the road. I'll talk to you all soon. Love Russ I Love You Sarah....... so very very much sweetheart.

Hi, Russ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Many years ago I did a Bible study on my own regarding the creation of the animals and their place in eternal joy. I would be very glad to share this with you, if you would be interested. Unfortunately many main stream religious denominations promote the teaching that "heaven is for humans only." I assure you from my personal Bible study this is not true, and hope your pastor is able to give you this reassurance as well.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Russ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi, yes talking to my pastor helped some as he thought in heaven we'd be re-united with all our loved ones. But what is really making me feel better right now is a real sense that Sarah is still with me, and that she just isn't limited by her physical body anymore.
I've always kept her yearly dog tag on my key-chain. I've done this for years and years. But yesterday I was at a friends house and went to grab my keys and noticed her tag was gone. I looked around and didn't see it and I wondered how it could've fell off with it being situated between several keys on the key-ring. Well when I got home I looked around the house but didn't see it so I was going to look along the sidewalk for it. Well as I started towards the door there it was, her bronze heart-shaped tag face-up in the middle of the floor. I know it could be a coincidence, and I'd just over looked the tag, but it has given me comfort just the same.
I truly feel my Sarah hasn't left me, instead she is still right beside me better than ever. She always was an angel and she is still teaching her daddy important lessons of life. I think true love is the bond that keeps our loved ones near. Our love for them and their perfect love for us is something that doesn't go away. Take away these physical bodies and what is left is that love which is what comprises our spirit. I know they know love. When I would tell Sarah that I loved her she would look into my eyes and would hold that look for a few moments afterwards, and many times when I said that to her she would walk over and rest her head on me and look up. Yes they know love and nothing, not even death can separate that one perfect circle of love.

Hi Russ -
That was a beautiful post. It gave me a lift in the midst of a really bad night. I'm glad that you've experienced some things that have given you at least a little peace and comfort. It reminded me that i've had some similar occurrences since Vienna passed. It's easy to get caught up in the physical loss and be unable to see what remains Sarah was clearly an extraordinary dog but thanks for the reminder that our beloved pets were so important to us because they gave as much love, if not more, than they received.

Tara

Yes, I quite agree. A wonderful post, Russ! I couldn't have put it better myself. Dogs are often on the higher levels of the astral after passing over. Why? Because they have learned the lesson of unconditional love. Many humans have not learned that lesson yet!

Warmest best wishes to you.

Hi, Russ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and that your pastor is offering you comfort and reassurance. I'm also very glad that you found your beloved Sarah's license tag. I can imagine how upsetting it was for you to find it missing from your keychain - - finding it again was a blessing that words cannot describe.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Russ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you, The one thing above all else that I'm glad that I did was to tell Sarah often that I Love Her while I hugged her and gave her a kiss. I told her at least every night before I went to sleep. And told her I Love You everytime I had to leave. Towards the last few months I began to say I Love You verbally while I was saying it with my made-up sign language.
It means so much when you know they feel that honest love you have for them. Sarah was so patient with me because it took me a long, long time to understand the things she was communicating to me. Like it was easy to tell when she wanted something but it took quite a while before I could recognize what she wanted. Early on I thought I had her all figured out, but time showed me I had a lot to learn. Taking time for them is very important in showing our love.. We naturally sense when they are saying I Love You, and some other things are easy to understand, but it's tough to know when they are hurting or having a physical issue that you're just not aware of. But think how quickly they understand what we say to them, even if they choose not to do what you ask they still know. Yes they pay attention to even little things and when I finally realized that then I started paying a lot closer attention to her. Sarah took me on amazing journey to educate me and she continues to amaze me today. And I continue to tell her how much she means to me and I thank her for being so patient as she patiently waits for me.

Finding this forum has been a huge blessing. I was scared at first thinking this outlet was going to make me sadder but everyone is so uplifting and has let me discover new things about both Sarah and myself. It really is a great to feel that connection with others who know what you are going through. It is a very, very tough time and I thank you all for helping to take this great loss in a healthy direction. I couldn't of a nicer place to come to honor our special loved ones.

Hi Russ,

I have felt the same about this forum. So much support. No one telling us to "get over it." After losing my two kitties (Joe and Steve) six weeks ago, I have found that hanging out here has given me so much support, care, and inspiration. We can grieve as long and as hard as we need to and everyone here gets that. I don't think I've missed a day in six weeks. Sometimes I just read other people's posts and their stories from beginning to end. I so often find stories and journeys that mirror my own. People write to me with encouraging words. I have even found healing in encouraging those who have lost their furry ones more recently than me. At first it killed me to see someone else post that they lost a fur baby. "Oh, no," I'd say, "another one. Oh, no. Another one." But as I read the stories of fresh grief and shared my journey, I found greater healing. I think you'll find that, too.

There are a few books I've read that may be helpful to you. Being a Christian myself, it meant a lot to me to read about our pets in heaven. One book, which is fairly "light" is The Rainbow Bridge: Pet Loss is Heaven's Gain by Niki Behrikis Shanahan. She also has another book that I have not read called There is Eternal Life for Animals. Both have a scriptural perspective of proof that animals will meet us in heaven. I wasn't sure how I felt about that before reading the Rainbow Bridge book, but now I feel pretty strongly about it. There is another book I got that has been helping me work through my grief called How to Roar: Pet Loss Grief Recovery. It's a workbook that helps you work through why it's worth having a pet, how you picked out her name, what her name meant to you, how you picked her out, what she loved to do, what you loved most about her, etc. Some questions are hard to answer, but I work on it a little bit a few times a week and it has helped me quite a bit. Sometimes I cry when I write, but sometimes I find that I don't, which tells me I'm healing more and more.

I know how hard this is. It's just an awful process that I wouldn't wish on anyone, but I can tell you this, "You WILL get through it." You won't get OVER it, but you will get through it. Take as much time as you need. We're all here for you.

CritzyJ

I appreciate the words and suggestions. I'm going to get the Rainbow Bridge book because by knowing deep down without a doubt that I'm going to be re-united with Sarah will give me much needed hope for the future.
It was 1-week ago that my sweetheart passed and it was a tough day. I can't stop re-playing in my mind the the trip to the vet and carrying her in for the last time. It's burned in my memory. I am so thankful that I became more in tune with her needs. I don't know what I would do if we parted on a down note. I still get a knot in my stomach when I think about that it was me who decided when she was gonna go and not nature. But then I think of the pain she had when her medicine would wear off. I literally ran out of medicine to keep her sedated enough to where she wasn't hurting, because I had to give here 2~3 times the prescribed amount of medicine the vet gave her to provide relief, and I knew he wouldn't ok more medicine. I just had no choice.

I feel bad about focusing to much on myself afterwards and how I feel rather than honoring Sarah. I am going to make something for her to let her know she will never be forgotten or that my love for her will ever diminish. Our special friends are blessings of pure love with no negative earthly influence to be found in them. They are love straight from God to us and what a wonderful opportunity we have to take and nurture the love they give us as they become a part of us.

I started to read about the loss others are coping with on this wonderful forum but couldn't get past the first sentences without a panicky feeling of emotional overload setting in. Perhaps that will pass but for now I guess my cup is filled to the brim and can't hold anymore for the moment. I am just very happy to know so many others love their life-long companions as much as I do. This is a roller-coaster ride as mentioned in an early post, it's not a ride we want to get on but it's really a ride that validates the sincere love we have for our angels.

Russ, you have already come a long way. Many blessings to you and to Sarah!

Hi, Russ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and your and your beloved Sarah's one week angel-versary. Please do not be concerned about focusing your thoughts on your feelings right now, Russ, for this is what you - - and each of us - - need when our hearts are filled with deep grief. And this is one of the many reasons for this wonderful forum - - to be a safe place where we can come to unburden our hearts with others who know the pain and sorrow of physical separation from our beloved companions. And it's perfectly okay to not respond to other's posts right now - - in time as your deep grief eases you may feel stronger to be able to do that - - if you want to. But for now, Russ, you need to focus on what YOU need - - and we are here for you.

Many people find it very helpful to make something special in loving honor of their beloved companion. Some plant gardens, some make scrapbooks, some write journals, some make videos, some donate funds to their local shelters / veterinary providers in the name of their beloved companion, - - there are endless ways to honor your beloved Sarah, and we would enjoy sharing with you how you choose to do it, Russ - - if you'd like to share it with us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Russ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Over the last couple days I've had feelings of like a near panic desperation to get to and see Sarah. It's the feeling you would get if you were at work and found out some disaster has happened and all you know is that you want to get home to your loved ones. It's a sensation similar to that, but I know I cannot get to her. It's almost a claustrophobic type of feeling. I miss her so much and that gut-wrenching pain comes quite often. I get some relief when I get home and tell her I love her, which I do a lot.
The frustration of knowing you can't go back and live those happy times we've shared is overwhelming. I also have feelings of regret for having chose cremation. When they asked me at the vet what I wanted to do I really wasn't in the frame of mind to make a decision like that. I just wanted this to be over and to run-away from the place as fast as I could. But I know there is no-way that I could handle what is all involved in putting her to rest at home. I guess it comes down to the faith that someday she and I will be reunited both more fit than ever. I just miss my little girl and I'm starting to realize that life here without her is going to be tough. She gave so much to me and I did so little for her. I wish she could know all of the things she is to me and that somehow I could let her feel those things through love. These days love is a word used to often in the wrong way, and it takes away from it's meaning. The love I have for Sarah is a love that is unique to her and I cherish it beyond words.

Hi Russ -
You exactly captured how I've been feeling as well - like I'm desperate to find Vienna and hold her, like I'm trapped in my own house (or wherever I may be) without her, etc. I also had the same feeling you did right after Vienna passed - I just wanted to run away so I'm left wishing I'd spent more time with her even after she was gone. I'm ok with the decision to cremate her because like you, I knew there was no way I could handle a burial. But I'm agonizing over what to do with her ashes and how to memorialize her in a way that honors how much she meant to me but doesn't make me overwhelmingly sad every time I see it. I don't really want to even part with any of her ashes because I want all of her here with me. But I've taken some of her hair, which she left everywhere anyway, and buried it in a couple of her favorite places. But every time I walk in my backyard, just seeing the place where I buried it makes me cry. It brings up that panic and desperation you referred to.

I didn't mean to get off on a tangent about Vienna. Just to say that I'm having the exact same experiences. I'd been taking care of my dads dogs while he was out of town, which was tough because it made me miss Vienna even more. But after he came to pick them up last night, my house felt unbearable without Vienna. But I stayed and this morning is another empty one without her. I just have to have faith that the desperation and emptiness will pass.

I've had some fairly good days recently so I know things'll get better for both of us. I hope you have a better day today and that some of the peace you've expressed in your previous posts comes back. If there were a choice of getting our loved ones back, I know we'd take it. But we have to just put one foot in front of the other (as someone else has said...and I keep repeating to myself). It'll be OK because they're still here with us in spirit. And that's what we both loved about our girls most.

Take care, Tara

Hi, Russ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please permit me to offer you some words of encouragement along with Tara's.

First let me say that what you have experienced in the physical loss of your beloved Sarah IS a catastrophe, so what you are feeling is very appropriate deep grief. And as Tara has already so comfortingly reassured you, please let me also reaffirm to you that one day - - very probably when you least expect it - - you will be thinking of your beloved Sarah and you will find yourself smiling -- truly smiling - - and your heart will once again fill with the warmth of the many treasured memories you and your beloved Sarah share - - and you will feel her close to you again. Right now, though, it is very difficult because your heart is consumed with deep grief. And hopefully, in time, you will come to find peace in your heart that your beloved Sarah DOES know how much you love her and is eternally blessed to have you for her Forever Dad.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Russ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

This morning I feel the anxiety and sorrow of a great loss. I think during the first week after Sarah was gone that the prayers of others shielded me from the shock. Now I am having a hard time handling life without my baby girl. With tightness in my chest I look around me as though I'm searching to find my girl who has gotten lost. Crying out to her in desperation hoping she will come running up to me.
Late last week I thought my age had hardened me, and that the grief I felt was at it's peak and that each day forward would get easier. But this is not so. I've been trying to make sense of my emotional state so as to chart my progress but this is not that easy.
A week and a half has past now and I'm missing Sarah badly now. I want the wait to be over and want her back again. All this hurt has left me exhausted yet unable to rest. The chores I once did without a thought seem a hundred times harder now and I have to force myself to do them. Over the last 6-months many things I used to enjoy I simply don't care about anymore. Taking care of Sarah and doing what I needed to do day to day so that I could take care of her was my one focus, and I neglected several people because of my inhibility to cope with anything other than taking care of her. I felt very small for being unable to emotionally block things out and smile when I'm supposed to smile and laugh when I'm supposed to laugh. But that's not me, I cannot pretend to be or feel any other way than I am. I went through un-ending emotional stress during Sarah's decline. That period of time has taken it's toll on me in many ways, and finding the way back to a balanced state of being is something much harder than I ever thought. My love for Sarah has changed my perception of what has real value in this life. And those things which are most precocious are not the things this world wants you to focus on.
I know my writing and train of thought is often hard to follow. I've always had difficulty trying to communicate with others. My thought continuously jump from one thing to the next, and I apologize for that. I'm just missing Sarah greatly now. Coupling that sadness with day to day life is very overwhelming and makes life feel very heavy. With my girl beside me I had the will to do what-ever it took. Now alone I don't have any desire to do or to be.

Hi, Russ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes -- still very normal. During the deep grief NOTHING seems important. We function on what I call "automatic pilot" - - jobs get done, bills get paid, groceries are purchased, meals are fixed, - - but clearly without any feeling of being connected to or an willing participant of the activities. Putting on the "public face" is painful - - emotionally and physically - - and the thoughts focus on anticipating when we can take it off and just release our deepest sorrow.

I promise you, Russ, it will not always be this way, although right now every moment of every hour of every day is a burden on the heart and mind and spirit. Grieving is stressful on the physical body, so it is important that you do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Sometimes the stress of grief can also transition into clinical depression, so please do not hesitate to talk to your doctor if you think this might help you. And please know each of us are here for you to share with you the not so bad days, the not so good days, and the days when you feel your heart is breaking under the enormous weight of your deep sorrow.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Russ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I was concerned about my grief, and that concern can make your mind run wild if you don't know those strong emotions are symptomatic of grief. I sincerely appreciate that information very much.
I also want to thank everyone for your prayers, they made all the difference. I know how strong my feelings of love are for Sarah and last week if it wasn't for those prayers answered I would've been in really really bad shape. So I know it was something other than me that took the initial shock of losing her. Because I'm amazed that I didn't have a complete breakdown. So yes, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart and I will be back to share what's going on. You all are a true blessing.

Hi, Russ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. This grief journey is not an "intellectual" one by any stretch of the imagination. The trauma of losing the sweet precious physical presence of our companions is REAL - - and it affects us to the very core of our heart, mind, soul, and body. This is one of the many reasons why we need each other here to help us understand we are not going "insane" - - and where we can find comfort, support, encouragement, and hope from others who truly do understand what we are going through.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Russ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

It's been two weeks now and I am missing Sarah more and more. Coming here is a big help because you all know how I'm feeling. This is a lonely sorrow and at times it pulls you under. I've not had a tear-less day so far and I wonder if the first one will be something I look at as a good thing or bad.
So many little things I do in a day brings Sarah to the forefront of my mind and a wave of fear and insecurity pulses through me. Right now she helps me around the house and I take her with me wherever I go. We sometimes stop and re-trace one of our favorite trails to walk on while I tell her stay close by. I wish I could her call to me from the other room or come running down the hall excited as when we'd go for a ride. I Love You Sarah... and miss you greatly.

Hi, Russ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. During the deep grief it can seem like the tears will never stop, but I promise you one day you will be able to think of your beloved Sarah and smile - - truly smile - - even through the mist may still occasionally cloud your eyes. But until that day comes for you, Russ, we are here for you, with you, and beside you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Russ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Tomorrow I'm going to the vet to pick up Sarah's ashes. It's going to be a rough day I would imagine. For me having her earthly remains reside at home whether I decide to place them in the ground or not is the right thing to do. I've still not fully come to terms with losing her physically, I'm just glad that I can tell her as often as I like that I love her.

Hi Russ -
Just wanted to say that I dreaded getting Vienna's ashes and I even had my mom go pick them up for me. But once she was home, in whatever form, I felt better. It just made me feel like I could care for her again and she didn't have to be with strangers. I hope the same thing happens for you. It doesn't really make it a whole lot easier...but it gave me back a sense of her presence.

Take care and I hope things get easier for you each day.

Tara

Oh Russ - Sarah is such a beautiful girl - my heart goes out to you. My Baby girl Scarlett passed on July 11, 2013. The night before she passed me and my husband went to visit her at the ER. She was making a full recovery and should have come back home with us in 48 hours. We went to the ER to visit with her and afterwards on the way home we passed a new outdoor restaurant in our neighborhood. I saw the restaurant and I said, " We are all going there for dinner to celebrate Scarlett's home coming." Unfortunately she passed away suddenly the next morning. Honestly, taking home our Scarlett's ashes was a crushing blow but we were happy to have our baby with us in any form we could have her.

I just wanted to let you know that I am so sorry for your loss, and that I understand.

I'm keeping you in my prayers Russ and sending you healing energy.

~ Scarlett's Mom

That news would be crushing, I do know what kind of pain you feel. I had to have someone go and pick up Sarah's ashes as well. And when I first saw the nice little bag that the container was in I had a wave of silent emotion crash over me. It was scary and at first I didn't want to deal with it because it was all to real. When I took the bag home I put it in my china cabinet and have yet to look at the container or the paw print and lock of hair that was in the bag too. It was extremely emotional to know that was my baby girl in there. I know it is only her physical earthly self that resides there and that her spirit, the real Sarah is whole again better than ever.
I am glad to have her back home, she belongs here. And it does bring part of a closure. I love her so much, we are so tightly bonded together and now I'm in a sort of fog, time has stopped for me and life has taken on a cold unfamiliar feel. It'll be 3-weeks tomorrow since she left me physically and I'm still just wondering how I can get her back. I do believe she is with me and always will be, I guess I have to go slow and live what feels right. I thank you for your prayers and I pray for you as well, I know that prayers are what has got me to this point and I'm very grateful. Russ

Hi, Russ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. As Scarlett's Mom and Tara have already so comfortingly shared with you, bringing our beloved companion's ashes home can be a two-sided coin: On the one side it is comforting to have them home again while the other side is yet another blatant "new reality" that they are no longer physically with us in the way that our arms and hearts desperately long for. It's another part of this grief adjustment journey that is very painful both emotionally and physically for us.

I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, but sadly the only way to do it is one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in our own way and in our own time - - with the reassurance that we are surrouded by the comfort, support, encouragement, and hope from those who truly do understand what we are going through. Russ, you are among friends here, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Russ, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

It is a two sided coin for sure. I'm glad she is here, it's where she belongs but it does bring a lot of emotion and I've yet to take the container out of the decorative bag. I'm still very much lost and my spirit is deeply crushed. I tell Sarah that I Love her several times in a day and at least I can do that. My stomach stays knotted and I force myself to do things but with limited success.
People tell me to think about something else and I try to explain to them that it's not a matter of thought but rather it's a "state" of being. It's in a real sense like being physically ill and no train of thought is going to automatically cure you. I tell them that I truly have no control over how I feel, my emotions are simply there and feeling better is going to take as long as it takes. It's frustrating and insulting when you are told to snap out of it. I guess they've not experienced love so deep.

Hi, Russ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. You are so right when you share with us: "I try to explain to them that it's not a matter of thought but rather it's a "state" of being. It's in a real sense like being physically ill and no train of thought is going to automatically cure you." I am so sorry you are having to endure insensitive comments who are unable to truly understand - - for whatever reason - - what you are going through. I hope and pray you know you are among friends here who DO understand, and know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

It is important that you do not over-extend your physical, emotional, and mental endurance right now - - to not try to do things that you simply do not have the energy and concentration to do. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are experiencing are very normal symptoms of deep grief - - both physical and emotional which also include your ability to concentrate. I promise you one day you will feel the weight of your grief begin to ease and you will be able to find new energy and renewed ability to concentrate on other things you want to do - - but for now it is important that you do not over-extend yourself. As for looking at the container that holds your beloved Sarah's ashes - - there is no rush. One day you may want to - - but that day will come when YOU are ready.

I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Russ, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hey Russ,

Most people just don't understand the deep love some of us have for our pets. When they are not pets, but children, it is so normal to feel the way you feel. It's been 9 weeks (today) since I said goodbye to my boys and I still cry. In fact, I had a few weeks where I was doing better and then I've found myself a mess several days in the last week. Grief is such an unpredictable process, but embracing it IS the way through it, so give yourself the time you need and don't worry that others don't understand.

I hope you'll have a restful evening.

CritzyJ

Thank you both for understanding where I'm coming from. It's hard to put feelings into words. It's a comfort to hear that others can relate to this struggle, although I wish we never had to face it.
This past week I've found myself becoming increasingly depressed and along with that goes a constant state of exhaustion. It truly is difficult to do the simplest tasks. Tomorrow will be 4-weeks since I lost my Sarah. Honestly it feels like she has been gone for months and months. My heart continues to beat and I take in breath but it's not my doing as I am just existing in a world that is dark and so very lonely. Yes grief is unpredictable, a few weeks ago I was doing much better than now. The time that is passing is like an arrow plunging deeper and deeper into my heart. I love Sarah so much, and I would hate her to think her passing is to blame for my agonizing state. It's not her fault it's just something unavoidable on this Earth.
I'm blessed that both my parents, now in their mid 80's, are still here and have been helping me to get by since this happened. They lost a cat last year that they'd had for 18-years so they can relate to my loss. I hope this improves sometime soon as I'm feeling guilty for appearing like I'm not attempting to move ahead with my life. But like I've said, just standing up can feel like I'm lifting 1,000 pounds and nothing looks important to me. So much that I used to do has now lost all value and meaning. Intense stress related dreams have been becoming more frequent this week and leaves me in a daze when I wake. Thank you all for listening.

Hi Russ -
Sorry to hear things seem to be getting tougher rather than easier. Maybe "easy" is the wrong word to describe the loss of these special friends we loved so much. But I completely understand your experience. It's been 5 weeks tomorrow since I had to let Vienna go and I still can't believe she's gone. The words "she's gone" are so incredibly heartbreaking even now. But I've been through a similar experience of feeling like I was better then just falling into this dark hole of despair. I literally didn't think I'd survive at times. And it was hard to understand how it could get worse rather than better. I really think we get numb...even though we're definitely grieving...right after the loss. I remember feeling totally lost and disoriented...and also having these weird bursts of feeling like "oh well...it'll be ok." Then the reality started setting in. I think that's what caused the overwhelming despair. And, like you, I felt like I couldn't do anything, nor did I want to. The reality of it is a heavy burden.

It may sound like I'm talking about my experience as a distant memory but it was just a week or so ago that I called my mom just bawling for her to come over and help me. I was so distraught I didn't know what else to do. But right now, I feel better than I have since Vienna passed. There's still a dark cloud and I'm sure I'll still have some really low spots. And every day I have to stop myself from dwelling on the really sad memories when she was so sick. And I still have moments where I just can't believe she's gone. It's so surreal to have loved her so much and received so much in return. And now my house is empty. It sounds like you're experiencing the really low spot right now. But it may be the dark before the dawn kind of thing.

I'm not suggesting this is the path for you, but it's really helped me to start thinking about adopting another dog. At first, this felt like a betrayal of Vienna, who I was always sure would've been so possessive of me that she'd never want me to have another dog. But Vienna...and your Sarah...had no other intention than to love and be loved by us. That doesn't change now that they're not physically with us. So the love stays the same even if other dogs come into our lives. Anyway, thinking about adopting another dog has given me some hope. I hope you find something to look forward to as well.

I obviously never saw you with Sarah but it's so plainly obvious that you loved her more than anyone could ever hope for. You took good care of her when she was on earth and are protecting and loving her still. All the important elements are still here...except the physical presence. That's really hard for us. But Sarah and Vienna are completely at peace and without any pain. Hopefully your pain will lessen soon. Take care...and cry as much as you need. It heals.

Tara

To me it's like I'm in a fog and everything is in slow motion, yet the world just whips by and I can't even fathom getting up to speed.

I don't actually feel that way now, but at 4 weeks, I certainly still was feeling that way. Now, I have mostly good days with moments of sadness that hit me. Sometimes I'll have just a few little tears or feel a heaviness in my heart and sometimes I'll just break down and sob. I'm feeling like I'm almost ready to donate the cans of food I have and some other things I've been hanging onto, but I'm only ALMOST there.

I miss my kitties, I dream about them a lot, I wish they were here everyday, but I'm getting my life back, so I just wanted you to know that it WILL happen for you in time. Just be good to yourself. Do what you need to do to stay connected to Sarah and don't apologize for going through intense grief. It is a sign of the depth of your love for her.

Scarlett's Mom shared a quote with me that I just love. It's from Winnie the Pooh:

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

This grief is so awful, but how lucky we are to have loved so deeply.

Take care, Russ.

CritzyJ

I get much needed clarity from the replies that each of you post and it is very, very appreciated. You all have such great love for your special friends that have passed and that is wonderful to see in this world as it is today. Your losses are just as recent as mine and I am uplifted tremendously from your words and you don't know what a real difference it makes, thank you all so very much.
The similarities of emotion in us is so very real. I come here and feelings pour out of me, everyone needs someone to talk to who really does understand. I hope I can be so brave as to help others as all of you help me.
I've thought at times about getting a dog or cat but I too have those same thoughts of wanting to keep the love I have for Sarah in a special guarded place. It's kind of scary to think of adding additional love when all of it was given to Sarah. I'm going to make it my focus to help as best I can the ones who rescue dogs and cats. I don't have what it takes to help in a physical way as it would be overwhelming emotionally to be around those who have been rescued. The people who are helping day in and day out are far greater than I, so I will do what I can in a financial way. Of course presently I'm far from being in that position but it is something that I used to do and want to do again only better. I certainly have a long way to go in coming to terms with losing Sarah in a physical sense, I knew I loved her very much but I never knew the extent of that love until she was gone. And now I need to find a way to express that love to her.

dear russ, i just read your post. it has been years since i have been here. this place was a God-send when i lost my babies. i have since rescued my very first doggies: lucy and ethel and they are the light of my life. however, i still cry when i think of my riley and fred; two of the sweetest kitties ever. permit me to offer my deepest condolences. i am so sorry for your loss. she was a beautiful little girl and i thank you from the bottom of my heart for opening your heart and home to a rescue doggie. i wish i could tell you that the pain will go away soon but i cant. it stays with you forever but please know that she lives in your heart forever and she knows how deeply deeply you loved her. i hold on to that day where we will be reunited with our loved ones: human and furry. i cant wait to call out my babies names and open my arms to them. i know you will see your baby too. sending you hugs. patricia

Hi, Russ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can so understand how you're feeling when you share with us: "I knew I loved her very much but I never knew the extent of that love until she was gone. And now I need to find a way to express that love to her." Please permit me to try to reassure you that, even though it seems during our deep grief journey that we were not aware of how deeply our love bond is with our companions during their earthly journey with us, - - our companions ARE - - and they know the love bond they share with us is ETERNAL - - which nothing in heaven or on earth can EVER change, diminish, erase, or take away from us.

Each time you share your love for and treasured memories of your beloved Sarah - - you are expressing your love for her. WHATEVER you do for another companion - - to help them find a loving Forever Home, to help an individual / family who is financially struggling to KEEP their companion with them instead of having to surrender them to a shelter - - you are expressing your love for your beloved Sarah. You are now her living legacy - - her living testimony - - to the eternal flame of love that is your hearts, and whatever you do out of the love that you share will honor your beloved Sarah.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Russ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Russ, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam