Hi, Joanne, just stopping by to see how you're doing, and am so glad for Juturna's compassionate and eloquent note to you. She has said everything so well, and I just want to affirm to you that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you have a peaceful night, and I will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

By the date it will be one month tomorrow-the 10th since Zoe was killed.

I have so many mixed emotions. I am angry at times that she was able to get loose and run in front of that car. I still cry every day and miss her so much. I still feel the unfairness of the tragic accident that took her away from her family. She should have had many more happy years with us and we with her.

I keep asking why she is gone. There are no answers. There is still a large empty place in my life where she used to be. I am not yet at a place where I can replace that with the memory of her or knowing she is in a beautiful place. I still want her here with me.

Thank you all for your support. This is a journey we all have to walk for ourselves but it helps to have friends along the way.

Dear Joanne,

Each day is a struggle when the wounds of lossing one as precious and young as Zoe are felt. There seems to be no explanation for a sudden loss so great.

I totally understand and relate to the emptiness having lost my beautiful Victoria only a couple weeks ago. And feeling all the anger and sadness is part of this grief journey. I'm glad that you are sharing it with us.

Please know that I'm sending you healing thoughts.
With peace and prayers,
Juturna

"I am not yet at a place where I can replace that with the memory of her or knowing she is in a beautiful place."


Hi, Joanne, anniversaries are so very hard as they are blatant reminders that our beloved companions are no longer physically with us. And when the reason is because of a tragic event the loss feels deeper and unconsolable. "Why" is a question that just doesn't ever seem to have any adequate answers. All the rationalizing in the world cannot answer the deepest void that is in our hearts - - the physical absence of our beloved companions, or a human loved one be they a family member or friend.

No matter how much time passes, Joanne, our hearts will always want just one more minute, one more hour, one more day, one more - - lifetime - - with our beloved companions. The good news is that, with time, the deep grief does ease so that we can remember our precious babies with a smile in our hearts filled with the warmth of their sweet Living Spirits. This is what they want for us, Joanne, but it takes time to reach this point as we travel our grief adjustment journey. And this is what it is - - adjusting our lives in a way that will honor the unconditional love and undivided attention we are privileged to have during our beloved companions earthly journey with us and the eternal love we share with them as we continue our earthly journey in honor of their physical life with us.

As Juturna has so compassionately shared with you, so I wish to echo her words to you: I, too, am glad you are sharing your grief journey with us. I hope and pray you feel comforted by our individual and collective responses to you, that you feel each of us reaching out to you across the cyber miles sitting next to you, holding your hands, and finding encouragement, strength, and hope knowing that we are with you, beside you, and always on your side through every step of your journey.

Joanne, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks to you both. Moon-Beam I was worried when I did not see a post from you yesterday. Hope you are OK.
I think today was easier than expected because the date does not matter to me at this point. Every day is hard. Monday was 4 weeks and that was harder than the calendar date fo the "10th". I have been crying a little less the last couple of days and starting to look forward to meeting Kasper this Sunday. He does not come to live with us until March 13th but at least he will be more than a picture on the computer after Sunday.
I still have to remind myself not to call Zack and Zoe as one word. They were always together and when we called one, we called both. Almost like one name. Now it is just Zack but he is a love and I am so grateful to still have him.
One more day I have made it through without my little girl.

Dear Joanne,

Yes, everyday can be difficult in the grief journey for now. It is a struggle when we miss our precious companions so enormously. I trust that there must be some lesson to be learned from all this heartache and work.

I'm glad that you are looking forward to meeting Kasper this weekend. And your gratitude in having Zach is powerful. I believe Zoe wants you to be grateful.

Please know that I'm sending you healing thoughts.
With peace and serenity,
Juturna

Hi, Joanne, yes - - I am okay -- recuperating is more like it from all of the rearranging of furniture and having the security system updated yesterday. I am very thankful today is Friday and I am home from work for the weekend with my little Noah snuggled beside me. This weekend will definitely be very very very low key for me.

I can so relate to your "twin" calling of Zoe and Zack. My Noah was inseparable from his big adopted kitty brother, Eli, and his beautiful baby sister Abbygayle. So, normally when I called for Noah for whatever reason I was also calling at least one other name as well. Eli has been with the angels since December 2006, and Abbygayle almost 11 months - - and there are times when I call Noah I also find myself calling either Eli's or Abbygayle's name as well. As I get older I truly believe this happens because our beloved angel furkids still enjoy hearing their names called and so something somewhere sometime - - for no apparent reason to us - - we find ourselves calling the names of our angel furkids. When I still look outside in the yard I find myself still looking for my precious Oslo to make sure he's okay. Our beloved companions are truly forever a part of us.

I'm glad you are looking forward to meeting your new furchild Kasper this weekend. It is important for him to imprint on you as quickly as possible, and vice versa. March 13 is only a month away -- 4 weeks - - 30 days. Just remember that your precious Zoe is forever with you and will be right beside you helping you nuture your new family member. I will look forward to knowing how things go with your "meet and greet" with Kasper on Sunday whenever you're up to sharing.

Joanne, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you will have a peaceful evening warmed by Zack's sweet loving presence and your precious Zoe's sweet Living Spirit.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Again thank you, moon-beam. Glad you are OK. I have come to expect to see your name on the posts every night when I log on. Strange how we come to rely on each other in so short a period of time and under these circumstances.

I think I come here last thing in the evening because that is now when it is hardest to accept that Zoe is gone. Getting ready for bed and winding down after the busy day. I used to cry off and on all day but lately it is more in the evening. I know when I come here, I can sit in a darkened room at my computer and share, read about other losses and cry by myself. I still look for her to come to get her treat, go out for the last time at night and get ready for bed. It still hurts so much when I realize again that she is not here. I have never had such a hard time with the loss of a furry companion. I think I have said before that I never lost a pet who was young and healthy. In the past I knew that their loss was due to age and illness and they were no longer suffering. This time was so different.

It is getting easier to concentrate on my job when I am at work. I don't start crying now whenever I have a moment to let my mind wander to Zoe. I guess that is progress. I just wish I could rewind the clock and have her take that morning walk a few minutes earlier or later. Unfortunately we don't have the power to change history and she is still gone.
Well, enough said for tonight. I am getting nervous and excited about taking on another baby. Housebreaking, getting up at night, puppy food for Kasper and dog food for Zack, etc. All the joys and frustrations of being new parents again and we are not young parents. At least my husband is now retired and will be home with the furchildren all day while I slave away at work.

Hi, Joanne, just now being able to get caught up on how you're doing. Progress, however slow is still progress, and being able to get some of our concentration back is certainly a step in the right direction. It is an indication that the deep grief is easing a bit, and this is one of many things that our beloved companions want for us - - for they want us to continue our earthly journey unburdened by grief and sorrow - - so that we can embrace the cherished memories we have of them and that we can feel their sweet Living Spirit continue to share our daily lives just as they always have and always will.

This grief journey is filled with so many different emotions from one day to the next, sometimes from one moment to the next. I do so understand what you mean about the evenings being hard, for the evenings are our opportunities to re-bond with our precious companions after a day's activities, and I am so glad you know I am here for you, along with all our other wonderful friends on this forum.

I'm wondering how your visit with Kasper went today. I know the "expectant mom" feeling so well - - as I experienced this when I was "waiting" for word from Guiding Eyes for the Blind about an adoption. It gave me a purpose to continue the project of finishing off the basement living quarters, and I knew my precious angel Samson was advocating on both Oslo's and my behalf for us to be together. And I know your precious Zoe is also actively participating in bringing you and Kasper together. Will Zack be going with you today to meet his little brother, too?

Joanne, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I am looking forward to knowing how you're doing and how your visit with Kasper went whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

To answer your question, moon-beam, we did not take Zack with us. Don't think that would have worked out well. The breeder has many dogs of her own. We were able to meet the entire litter and, of course, I fell in love with one of Kaspers brothers also. The last time that happened I ended up with 2 babies but not this time. We can't take on 2 puppies at this time. My daugher and her family were with us and I tried to convince them to take the brother but did not happen.

Kasper is so cute and sweet and I fell in love immediately. I think I mentioned that this is the same breeder who produced our wonderful Zack and Zoe but different parents this time. I cried as soon as we got there thinking back to that happy time when we first saw Zack and Zoe at 4 weeks old and picked them up at 8 weeks. The breeder was very supportive and sweet. We had a nice long visit but in a different room than we had been in with Zoe.

I am so missing my sweet Zoe tonight. Just writing this to you I am crying again and I have hardly cried at all today. I wish she would walk into the room now and see me at the computer. Will it ever get easier not to have her here with me? I know you say it will but I can't feel that yet.

Need to get to bed so I can try to be awake at work tomorrow.

Happy Valentine's Day to all my L-S friends!

Dear Joanne,

The pain of grief is so intense and it does feel as though it will never end. The sadness and crying can last awhile and this is understandable. I believe when Kasper acutally enters your life, you will notice a lessening of the pain and sadness. I'm so glad you fell in love already with your new little Kasper companion.

Please be gentle with yourself.
And Happy Valentine's Day!
With peace and healing thoughts,
Juturna

Hi, Joanne, I'm so glad your visit with Kasper went well yesterday, and I can so well understand the emotions that once again surfaced from the "last time" you were there on the joyous occasion of meeting your Zack and Zoe. I'm so glad the breeder was supportive for you.

As Juturna has so compassionately shared with you last night, this grief journey is so unpredictable - - which makes it often referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. I can only echo Juturna's wise and comforting words to you: eventually, with the emphasis on eventually, yes the deep grief does ease - - but it doesn't happen overnight, or in a week, or a month, - - it happens when you least expect it and when your heart is ready for it. Until then, as Juturna so compassionately encourages you, so do I: "Please be gentle with yourself."

I hope today was a peaceful one for you, my friend. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Back pain has kept me away from the computer this week but I needed to stop by and see how everyone is doing. I must have twisted wrong on Sunday because I have been in severe pain all week. I could not take off of work as we are going on vacation next Thurs and I need my leave for that so I have been miserable at work.

I am still missing Zoe but the crying has eased up a bit. We watched the Westminster Dog Show and enjoyed the different breeds. The fact that Schnoodles can't be shown might have been a help because none of the dogs could have looked like Zoe. Zack was bored with the show and slept through it.

Little things still can make me cry and when I let myself think about her I am angry again that she was taken from us at such a young age. She was so full of life when she went out for her walk that morning. I know she was excited when she got off leash but could not have known what would happen to end her life. Such a tremendous loss for us. She knew she was loved from the firs time we saw her. We had gone to the breeder to buy 1 puppy and my husband piced Zack out because he was feisty for a 4 week old. I just knew I could not let another family have the little girl. I told the breeder we would think about it and the next day let her know we wanted both puppies. We never knew how much work or how much fun was coming our way.

It just ended all too soon. I know Kasper will bring a new little light into our home but Zoe will always be with us.

Dear Joanne,

Hope you back starts to feel better soon. Working when in pain is difficult.

Anger is a part of grief as you probably know, especially when an animal companion as young and precious as Zoe is taken from her earthly life unexpectedly. Crying that is prompted by little things is natural for now. I share your journey.

Please take care of yourself.
With peace and serenity,
Juturna

Hi Juturna,

Feeling a little bit better. I know that I twisted my back the wrong way. I do have back problems since I was in a car accident almost 2 years ago. I also know that the intense pain I have experienced at losing Zoe has taken it's toll on my physically. I wish I could do something to stop pushing the pain down into my body. As I have cried less, I have hurt more physically.

Knowing why something is happening does not always help me make it stop. We are going on vacation Thurs and maybe being out of the house for a few days and relaxing will help. Just have to feel well enough by then to enjoy the trip.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

Hi, Joanne, finally being able to get caught up on how you're doing. Yes, stress can certainly add to an already existing medical condition, so your back is feeling the intensity of the stress of your grieving for Zoe. This is normal - - and adds to an already painful experience. I'm so sorry you are having this to contend with in addition to the physical loss of your precious Zoe.

You are so o o o right when you say, "Knowing why something is happening does not always help me make it stop." If we had that ability then there would be a LOT of things changed or done differently - - for sure. When we are faced with circumstances over which we have little or no control we are faced with having to "accept" the reality of our human limitations, and when a circumstance involves a traumatic, tragic event, this is very very very hard to reconcile. I truly believe there is no such thing as full "acceptance" - - it is more a matter of "adjusting" so that we can continue our earthly journey in a way that will honor our beloved companions and the eternal love we share with them. And yes, your new little Kasper will bring new light into your home, and he will feel the presence of his sister there guiding him in his life's journey with you and your husband and his brother Zack. Please know your precious Zoe is very proud of you, Joanne.

Joanne, I hope you and your husband will have a wonderful vacation - - a peaceful and restful one. Will your little Zack be going with you, or will he be staying with family / friends? Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Joanne, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi moon-beam

No Zack cannot go with us. We are flying to Fla, staying with friends for a few days and then taking a cruise with them. Zack, and always Zoe with him before this trip, stays at a Kennel/Spa. He has been staying there since he was 5 months old. We had booked a trip before we bought the puppies. I am worried because he has never stayed there without his sister. He is pretty spunky but they have always shared a room together at the kennel. We will be gone just over a week and I know he will be in good hands but I still feel badly that he has to learn to do things withut her. I thought they would be together for many more years.

I had a bad day today with a lot of anger that I cannot express. I was just nasty and evil much of the day because I have not been feeling well and I still cannot accept what happened to Zoe. I know in my head that I have to move on but some days it is harder than others. Wish I had a punching bag to hit. That would probably put my back out too. I need to find some way to deal with the anger and pain. Maybe tomorrow will be easier. I hope so. Just a lot of stress this week. Have to pack, go to work Tues and Wed, take Zack to the kennel on Thurs morning and fly out on Thurs afternoon. Of course my husband will be with me but he no longer has to work so he has more time to get things together.
'
Anyway, thanks for listening to me whine.It is just still soooo hard to be here without her.

Hi Joanne,

I'm glad that you are aware of the anger as that could be making your back feel worse. There are ways to release anger without hurting your back. Writing is one way, and ripping up a phone book is another that comes to mind. I hope your backpain eases as the week progresses.

It is very very difficult to be without the physical presence of our beloved canine companions. I understand how you miss her so much, and share the pain of grief with you.

Sounds as though you have a busy week ahead with getting ready for your trip.
With peace and healing thoughts,
Juturna

Hi, Joanne, oh how well I do understand your frustration of not having a "healthy" release from the anger. Juturna has given you a couple of great ideas - - I'm particularly chuckling at "ripping up a phone book." I have thought about getting a dart board, but my aim is so poor - - truly - - that I'm afraid of a dart hitting Noah.

I do hope and pray that your vacation will be one of leisure and much needed rest for you - - both physical and emotional. Sometimes a change of scenery helps. I hope your travels are safe, healthy, and immeasurably enjoyable.

Your precious Zack will be okay for he will be in familiar surroundings with familiar people. This is a positive. And the next time he needs to be there he will have his little brother Kasper for company. But I do so understand your feelings of sadness for Zack as I have the same sadness for my little Noah with him missing his big adopted kitty brother Eli and his beautiful baby sister Abbygayle.

Joanne, I'm sorry today has been a bad one for you. I hope that you will have a peaceful and comfortable evening tonight so that you can get some much needed restful sleep. Not being able to get sleep - - for whatever reason - - and being in chronic pain do make one very out of sorts - - and understandably so.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Joanne, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Wanted to stop by and wish you all peace while I am on vacation. I did start having back pain in a new spot today. Probably pulled something while I was packing last night.

I am really going to miss Zack and worry about him but I know my husband and I need this trip. I believe Zack is doing far better than we are with Zoe's death. All too soon he will have to get used to being the big brother and that is going to be an adjustment for him.

I am going to try to really rest and relax while I am away. I have good books and good friends to be with. The sun will be warm and the breezes will be blowing. I will check back in when we come home. I have found vacations go very quickly so I will be back here soon.


Joanne

dear joanne

i hope that you are able to really have some deep relaxation and rest, you need it after the incredibly stressful time and intense emotions you've endured.

i have issues with chronic pain and mobility, so i understand how that adds another layer to it all for you. it would be good if you could talk through some ways that might work for you to release some anger safely, because when we hold it in we hold our muscles tightly and that doesn't help already in pain bodies. let us know how you go with that when or if you can or want to.

i look forward to hearing just how much more rested you feel and how well zack coped when you return soon.

take the gentlest of care
rb

Hi all.
MIssed you while we were on vacation. I managed to irritate my L eye and can't wear my contact lens until at least this coming Monday. Spent the whole vacation using one eye so the trip was not crystal clear but had a good time anyway.

I still cried every day while we were gone. We were in beautfiul, relaxing places with good friends but Zoe would pop into my mind and the tears would come again. I have a hard time trying to rest during the day-we were on a cruise ship and it is so relaxing to sit by the pool, listen to the music and read. If my eyes closed, I could see Zoe but still with pain and tears. I guess some day I will get past the daily tears but not there yet.

I met some very sweet dog owners while shopping and they let my husband and I talk to their little dogs in strollers. Yes-I did say strollers. They were very pampered but also very nice dogs. It did help to connect with other owners who understood where we are right now.

Glad to be back home and back on this forum. We can't pick up Zack until tomorrow morning so we are without our little boy for another night.

Joanne

Hi, Joanne, so good to see you back home safely. I'm sorry about your left eye - - I hope it heals okay. It sounds like your trip was okay, but - - there is one thing about deep sorrow - - it doesn't take a holiday. I can so imagine how much you're looking forward to being back with your precious Zack.

I'm smiling at your description of the strollers. I have one for my Noah. It's ever so much easier on me, and him, getting him in and out of the vet's office. I can't use a hand-carry crate because with him in it it's too heavy for me to carry and pulls me off balance - - which isn't good for either one of us. And everyone who sees him in the stroller in the vet's office think it's a wonderful idea.

Joanne, it is so good to know you're back home safe and sound. I hope your back is feeling okay. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi moom-beam.

Still can't wear my contact lens so I am hoping my typing is not too bad. We did pick up Zack today and we were all so happy to be back together. This was another first for us, as I had said. Zack had never been boarded without his sister. He seemed to do fine but it was hard to see him coming out of the back-running toward us but she was not with him. The house is so empty without her. Zack and my husband have gone to bed and I am sitting here writing and crying about how much I miss Zoe, my little girl.

We pick up the puppy, Kasper, next Sunday but I can't remember what it is like to have a puppy in the house anymore. I know I will love him for himself but I will miss Zpe and cry for her for a long time to come.
Life can be so unfair. I still feel that she was cheated out of so many loving and happy years with us all because of some stupid accident that put her in the road in front of a car instead of safe on her leash. One second can change everything I am so grateful that I can come here and express how I am really feeling because I do not have any where else to talk about any of this. I feel that my friends would not understand grief for a dog going on this long. Even my dog lover friends would not understand. I know my husband also misses her every day but we don't talk to each other about the accident. I also try not to cry in front of him because I know how badly he feels.
Thanks again for listening and being there for me.

Hi, Joanne, it is so good to know that Zack is back home. Adjusting to a new "family unit" is difficult, and I am certain that your husband wishes every day that he could go back to that day so that he could change the events that would keep Zoe safe. I know how you feel when you say, "I still feel that she was cheated out of so many loving and happy years with us . . " I feel the same way about my number one kitty son Eli who joined the angels in December 2006 at 6 years of age because of cancer and my beautiful baby girl Abbygayle who joined the angels almost a year ago (March 15, 2010) at 6 years and 8 months of age because of cancer. My little Noah is my sole survivor in a home that used to have four furkids, and my heart breaks for him sometimes because by all rights he should still have his big adopted kitty brother Eli and his baby sister Abbygayle with him. But now he has just me.

Well, this time next week your home and life will be changed again with the new energy of your little Kasper. This will be another "adjustment" in your routines. Joanne, please know that we are here for you through every "adjustment" in your journey. While Kasper will certainly bring a "new energy" into your heart and home, your precious Zoe will always have her speical place with you that belongs only between you.

It is so good to have you back with us, Joanne. I hope today will be a peaceful one for you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

dear joanne

even my dog lover friends don't 'get' just how devastating the loss of my girl has been either. i'm not sure why it is like that for you or for me, but i do know that all the other people who post here get it.

i'm glad you feel safe to come here and say how you really feel, i hope that you know you don't have to hold anything back here.

i knew a lady that used to take her dog out in a stroller. she liked long walks and her dog couldn't walk far, but loved being wheeled along for the ride. it does look so adorable.

take gentle care
rb

I think there are places in Florida that require strollers for dogs so their carpet/floors are protected from accidents and the dogs are confined. It does look cute and enables them to bring their dogs to places they otherwise could not.

Both of my eyes are working again so I can see what people have written and what I am typing tonight. Have to go back to work in the morning so cannot stay on here too long.

I know that bringing Kasper into our home will never erase the pain or memories of Zoe, I just hope it does not make it worse. I am being careful not to get a dog who will look like her. I have had some questions from people about the type/color of the dog we are getting but I am hoping for the best. I know it would not be fair to bring a dog into the house who in any way would remind me of Zoe. It would not be fair to the new dog. Every day is still a struggle to accept the fact that she is not with me. As i say every night, this is where I can come to say how I feel and cry about her loss. I saw a car flying down the street near us where she was killed and it made me so angry. So many people walk their dogs near that street and I know they feel safe.

The man we know who works at PetSmart said we should only walk the dogs with a harness and that collars are for tags. Wish we had known that before the accident. We had tried harnesses with them before but Zack would chew through his and then his sister's. We have purchased a new kind of harness and he is a little bit older now.

moon-beam-I know my husband would like to turn back the clock and so would I so that we would have Zoe here with us and things would be like they used to be with our little family. Everyone on this forum knows that none of us can have that. We have to learn, as humans, to deal with the losses and it remains very tough to do.

Wishing you all a peaceful night and sweet dreams of happy fur children.
Joanne

Hi, Joanne, I'm so glad your eye is feeling better. That must help to make life a little bit easier to bear. I hope your day at work was a decent one for you, and that you were not overwhelmed with "backlog" work. I agree with the PetsMart customer rep who told you about the harness. I caught onto that as well, eventually. I hope the harness works better for Zack now, and for your little Kasper.

Joanne, I hope you will have a peaceful evening. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Joanne,

You seem to have carefully thought through the choice with Kasper. Harnesses do work better. My beautiful Victoria had gotten off leash twice (she acutally broke one leash from pulling) before I switched to a gentle leader, then a harness.

I understand how angry you must have been when you saw the car speeding down the street. That angers me, as well, since all my neighbors have dogs.

Glad your eyes are working again. Hope you have a peaceful evening.
With peace and gratitude,
Juturna

Thanks Juturna,

Yesterday was a very bad day. After seeing my husband and Zack on the same street where Zoe was killed and almost in front of another car, I was not happy-to say the least. I have asked that my husband not take Zack to that area again as it makes me very nervous. I could not go through this again, ever. I tried to talk to him about it last night and ended up crying all through dinner. He also was very upset and emotional and said he still cannot understand how Zoe got loose. Does not really matter now but does matter that it never happen again. He still sees the accident every day and I can only imagine it with horror every day.

I still have to think we are doing the right thing to bring Kasper into our lives. Zack needs a new furry friend to play. I have told Zack that he may not understand right now why we are doing this but in a year when Kasper is grown, I hope he will. I know Zoe understands. I also know she feels my pain and sees me crying for her every day. I would give anything to have her back with us but that cannot happen.

Have to work tomorrow so need to try to sleep now. As always, wishing you all a peaceful night with pleasant dreams.

Joanne

Hi Joanne,

I am sorry to learn that yesterday was a bad day for you. The pain of that day is so vivid for you both. Addressing your concerns with your husband was wise, even though it must have been difficult. I totally understand how you would give anything to have precious Zoe back. I share your grief and tears daily.

Hope all goes well this weekend in bringing little Kasper home. Please know that I'll be thinking of you.

Hope you have a serene night.

With peace and gratitude,
Juturna

Hi, Joanne, I, too, am so sorry that yesterday was a difficult day for you. I absolutely agree with you that it would be beneficial if your husband did not continue to walk Zack, and soon both Zack and Kasper, in the same place that claimed your precious Zoe. This is for both his benefit -- as he does not have to continually re-visit the site of the traumatic event - - as well as for Zack's and Kasper's.

From personal experience due to a different traumatic event several years ago, I know it is going to take time, Joanne, lots and lots and lots of time for this horrible vision to ease in your memories, and for this I am very, very sorry. If there was some way I could take this painful memory from you both I would do it - - as well as for Zack as he too witnessed what happened to his sister. Here in Virginia the State has allowed people who have lost human family members due to tragic highway events to place a marker in the off road grassy areas at the site of the fatal event. I'm wondering if you would be allowed to put a bouquet of flowers or a stone with her name on it in the grassy area in the vicinity of where your precious Zoe was fatally hurt. Would this in some way help you and your husband? It's just a thought - - for whatever it might be worth.

Joanne, I hope your day was a better one today, and I hope tomorrow will be a good one as you bring your new little Kasper home. I know it may be hard to think of it this way right now but you are bringing Kasper home to be a new little brother to both Zack and Zoe - - because Zoe is still with you in your heart and memories and you can tell little Kasper all about his big sister - - it's okay - for her scent is still fresh in the house and he will sense her presence there and he will want to know all about his big sister. And hopefully this will be another way Kasper and Zoe can comfort your heart.

Joanne, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend, and look forward to knowing how you're doing and how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you moon-beam,

I had thought about putting up a marker but I think it would be harder for me and our neighbors. At some point I will think of a place to plant something-a bush or flowers in Zoe's memory in our yard where she used to play-and dig up the flower bulbs.

I worked all day today which is always hard on Saturday. I am back in physical therapy, also 2-3xwk and had to explain that the back and neck pain are not just from my work but also the grief over losing Zoe. I know that the pain had become much worse the week she died as the stress just moved from the neck down the back. I am trying to remember to do the exercises she has taught me to relax the neck and shoulders but I don't always remember.

Tonight is difficult. Our family unit will change tomorrow and I am looking forward to our new "baby" but ....not even sure what the but is. As I have said before, I think Kasper will be good for us and I know we will be good to him. He will be loved and cared for and I hope he and Zack will eventually form a bond. Zack still sleeps on Zoe's blanket every night and I know he still senses her presence but maybe Kasper will bring some fun back into his life.

Time changes tonight so I need to sign off as it is later than I think.

Take care of yourselves.

Hi, Joanne, thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing. I'm glad you're back in physical therapy, and hope that it will bring you relief from your pain. It is important for you to the exercises, though - - this comes to you from one who has personal experience with physical therapy. If you need a "cheerleader" I'm offering you my encouragement.

I'm smiling at your account of how Zoe used to dig up the flower bulbs in the garden. My Samson was a digger, too, so I'm sure they are together in heaven's garden digging to their heart's content and enjoying each other's company in the process. And I hope this brings a smile and comfort to your heart, too, my friend.

"Our family unit will change tomorrow and I am looking forward to our new "baby" but ....not even sure what the but is." Perhaps by now you are home with your new fur child, Kasper. Every new family member also brings a sense of uncertainty to the family unit until everyone is once again settled into the "new routine." So, your hesitancy of "what the but is" is quite understandable. And I hope Zack will adjust to Kasper quickly, and preferably immediately. It will be important for him to continue to have Zoe's blanket for his own personal "comfort zone" though, at least for awhile. I hope you will feel Zoe's presence with you as your busy-ness to adjust to your new routine with Kasper.

Joanne, I wish there was some way to make this time of adjustment easier for you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Joanne, and look forward to knowing how you're doing and how things are going for you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

hi joanne

i hope all is going well in your new family unit and that everyone is getting along and settling in together. we here are all cheering you along, all of you.

i'm so sorry you're having to deal with a loss that was such a traumatic one, i know how hard it is to relive the horror over and over. you're not alone.

look forward to reading your next update.

take gentle care
rb

Hi, Joanne, just stopping by to say "hello" to let you know you're in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you are having a decent day, and that your evening will be a peaceful one.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi to all,

Have not been here this week as I have been so tired with the work required to take care of a new "little one" . Kasper came to live with us on Sunday afternoon. Zack is not sure about any of this. I have already seen some of the same behavior in him that Zoe used to show. He likes one of her old toys that had been "gently used". We have laughed more this week than is the whole 9 weeks since Zoe was killed. Feels good to play with a puppy and laugh again.

Still crying every day for Zoe but not as hard or as long. Glad to say I am not feeling guilty for bringing a new puppy into our lives. I love him-only took a few minutes to fall in love. I still have fleeting thoughts that if things were different we would still have our Zoe and some other family would have Kasper.

I do know wishful thinking from reality. Zoe will always be with us in our hearts and memories but Kasper and Zack are here with us on earth and need our love and care.

Very grateful for the 2 furboys that we now have but my husband keeps calling the puppy "she", thinking of Zoe. Guess this too will pass when he realizes Kasper is his own little self and not a new Zoe.

Joanne

Hi, Joanne, thank you so much for letting us know how things are going. I suspected that you were experiencing a bit of "new mom" exhaustion. I am so o glad that Kasper is settling in nicely, and equally important that you are enjoying his presence in your home. I'm smiling at your description of Zack's behavior with the toys. It sounds like he is living by the adage "possession is nine tenths of the law" - - and he's got the nine tenths of the possession.

Joanne, Zoe is looking down on you and smiling - - because she sees you and her dad smiling and laughing - - and remembering her close in your hearts. This is what she wants so much for the both of you - - she is always with you. And it is no surprise that you are seeing some of Zoe in Zack - - for her sweet Living Spirit is there with you, your husband, Zack, and - - Kasper.

Thank you again so much for letting us know how you're doing. I hope you're being able to continue with your physical therapy, and that your back will begin to feel better very soon. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Joanne, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Joanne,

So glad to learn that you are laughing and enjoying little Kasper. Please know that I wish you much joy with him.

With peace and gratitude,
Juturna

I have a question for the dog parents out there.

My trainer came over yesterday to set us on a smooth path with Zack and Kasper. Things are still going very well.

Of course, she had trained Zack and Zoe with us when they were little guys. Zack remembered her and was so excited to see her. I broke down and was crying just before she was ready to leave. I asked her if she knew of any kind of leash that might have prevented Zoe's accident. She told us that there is a double hook leash that can hook to both collar and harness at the same time. If one hook fails, the dog is safe because of the other hook. She reassured us that Zoe's accident was a freak one and very rare. I am still so scared that something will happen to Zack and eventually Kasper on a walk.
Does anyone here know of the kind of leash she is talking about? I can only find the adapter to walk 2 or 3 dogs at at time but not a safety device the 2 hooks on 1 leash.

Thanks, as always, for all of your caring and support.

Hi, Joanne, certainly going through the same training, etc., that you did with Zack and Zoe brings back all the memories and the painful loss of your precious Zoe. It's another "reminder" of your loss, and another step in your "adjustment journey" to the "new normal" you have with Zack and Kasper.

I did a quick internet search under "double dog leash" and I found a website Alibaba.com that might have what you're looking for. Of course I found a lot of the connector leads for walking two or more dogs at one time, and I know this is not what you're looking for. But I also saw what looked like double-connecting leashes that can be used independently for each dog to both the collar and the harness. Perhaps if your trainer could give you a picture or better still - - a website - - you could locate what she referred to and order the leash accordingly.

Joanne, I do so understand your need to try to keep Zack and Kasper as safe as possible during their walks. I hope the Alibaba.com website can be of some usefulness to you, - - if nothing else than to double check with the trainer to make sure this is what she was talking to you about.

Joanne, I hope today has been kind to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moon-beam
Thanks so much for your help. I have asked at pet stores but cannot find what the trainer is talking about. I wil try the website you mentioned. I would never have thought of this if we had not lost Zoe so tragically.

We love and adore Kasper, and of course, Zack but I still miss Zoe terribly. I am trying to put those feelings on the back burner and enjoy our little one and his puppy time. He is very smart and sweet but needs to learn to teethe on toys and not his parents.

I have been so busy and tired at night I have not been here much but still think about all of you every day. This is my lifeline to surviving the grief of the sudden loss of my Zoe. I have cried on this site many, many times. No one really asks how we are doing with her loss any more. People just assume you get over the loss of a pet pretty quickly but we all know that is not true.

I have given the address for this site to quite a few people who may be reading but not ready to write yet. Thankfully, we have found this place to come and share our grief.
Thanks again so much for being out there in cyber land.

Joanne

Hi, Joanne, it is so good to hear from you. Thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing. I was thinking about the double lead hook, and actually the double hook that is used for two dogs can also be used on one dog, like Zack - - hook one end to the collar and one end to the harness, and then hook the leash to the middle. Then use the other separate double hook for Kasper. It's just a thought, for whatever it's worth. The only "problem" with that is that you have the force of their collar pulling against their throat, which can make them choke if they pull against the lead. That is the only thing I haven't been able to figure out how to avoid. You really might want to check with your trainer to make sure you're getting what she talked to you about.

I know how challenging it is to have a new fur child to bring up. Hope your trainer is being able to help you with the "chewing" stage.

Unfortunately most people in our lives stop talking to us about our beloved companions for various reasons: it might upset them if I ask, it's only a (whatever) - - they're over it by now, etc.. I, too, am very thankful for this wonderful forum.

Joanne, I hope today is a decent one for you, and that your evening will be a peaceful one. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Joanne,

I'm so glad that you are enjoying little Kasper! He must be so adorable. Since he is smart, he will catch on to the teeting toy thing soon.

And of course you still miss your precious Zoe. It's a sensitive subject, so others shy away from it fearful of getting to close to your feelings or their own. Like you, I believe this forum has been a lifeline in the darkest days of my grief.

Hope you have a peaceful weekend.
With peace and gratitude,
Juturna

Hi to all,

Having more problems with my health. I have a pinched nerve in my shoulder,neck area and swelling, stiffness in one knee. You would think I was 90! My therapist thinks using the cane put more pressure on my neck and caused the pinched nerve. She also thinks getting up and down off the hardwood floors with Kasper caused the knee issue. Oh well, it is always something. Seeing a doctor about my knee on Monday.

Kasper continues to do well and I do love him so much already but just want to mention to anyone reading who thinks a new pet will cure the grief-not so. Sometimes when it is quiet, which is almost never, I think back to when Zoe was still with us a few short weeks ago. I also still think about her when I have to drive over the spot where she was killed. I drive there almost every day and it causes a zing of emotion. The good thing is that it does not last as long. I do not spend all day crying for her but just a short time. I still can't talk about her without tearing up. Someday that will come, too. She was a wonderful companion and I wish every day she had not been taken away so soon. I will always miss her.

Wishing you all a peaceful, quiet weekend.

Joanne

Hi Joanne,

I'm sorry to learn that you are having more health issues. It sounds painful. I'm glad you will be seeing a doc on Mon. Please keep us posted.

Little Kasper will never replace precious Zoe in your heart, even though you love him dearly. The emotional zing when you drive over the place where you beloved Zoe was killed is a consistant reminder. How difficult that must be. I so understand, and share your tears and your pain.

Please take gentle care of yourself. It is my hope that you have a serene weekend.
With gratitude and peace,
Juturna

Hi, Joanne, thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing. As Juturna has so eloquently and compassionately mentioned, so I wish to share her words of comfort. I, too, am sorry that you are having additional medical challenges. I know exactly what you mean when you say "You would think I was 90!" Since my injuries 25 years and 8 months ago, my physical body has felt aged well beyond its chronological years. I hope your doctor and physical therapist are able to offer you some medical assistance that can help relieve your pain. Chronic pain is debilitating - - both physically and emotionally.

From my personal experience 25 years and 8 months ago, I do understand your feelings about having to frequently drive through the area where your beloved Zoe was fatally injured, and am comforted by your good news that you are not quite so traumatized by the visual reminder. This is very good news indeed. Your precious Zoe wants you to be able to remember her for the joy she brought to you during her earthly journey with you, and for the joy of the many precious memories you cherish in your heart.

Joanne, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. And thank you for letting us know how Kasper is doing as well. I hope this weekend will be kind to you, and that you will be able to get some relief from your pain. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Joanne, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I'm sorry you are having health issues also. I have a pinched nerve that acts up only when I'm doing hours of yard work or heavy lifting. But when I lost Daisy, it came full force just due to stress. That can be so painful. It was a challenge to drive just using my mirrors, but at times I would forget and look over my shoulder then scream in pain. It took a good 4 months before it disappeared (that's how long it took to finally sleep through the night and not cry everyday anymore). It's amazing what stress does to our little aches and pains.

Be kind to yourself. Zoe would want you to be healthy for you, and for her fur-brothers.

Lots of Hugs,
Annette

Thanks to all.

I got a cortisone shot in my knee today and am going to lie down with an ice pack. My PT really helped my neck and arm pain + some muscle relaxers and nonsteroidal meds. Some of this is from a car accident where I was rear eneded 2 years ago but the knee is goold old aging process + arthritis.

Found some pics of Zack and Zoe when they were little-the first time we met them, the day we brought them home, their early days with us. Same kind of pics I am now taking of Kasper. I just could not help myself from crying and crying. She may want me to be happy and I am most of the time now but I still can't talk about her or look at her picture without crying. I also cry every time I am on this site writing about my feelings.


Kasper is doing well and so funny but Zack still does not think so. Kasper went for his first puppy grooming and I am sure Zack was hoping he would never come back. I just hope one of these days Zack can accept Kasper.

Missing my little girl, Zoe, every day but putting one foot in front of the other and trying to move on. So glad we got Kasper. He has really brought a new light and fun into our lives. My husband just marvels at the things he does and we both are able to laugh.
Wishing you all peace and love,

Joanne

Hi, Joanne, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I do hope and pray that the cortisone shot helps along with your other medications.

I had to chuckle about your comment about Zack regarding his little brother: "Kasper went for his first puppy grooming and I am sure Zack was hoping he would never come back. I just hope one of these days Zack can accept Kasper." That reminds me so much of my kitty Holly when her baby canine brother Samson joined the household. It took two years for Holly to stop heckling Samson. Finally, one evening as she was heckling Samson beyond endurance she realized that Samson, now bigger than her, would not raise a harmful paw to her under any circumstances, and from that point forward she decided "the dog can stay." Hopefully it won't take two years for Zack to accept Kasper. However, from Zack's point of view Kasper is an "intruder" into his domain. Zack and Kasper are sorting through the normal "alpha" pack pecking order, and Zack is letting Kasper know that Zack is "in charge" - - Kasper is just going to have to wait "his turn" for acknowledgement. Under your and your husband's supervision and loving care they will be just fine.

Joanne, I know it's still very painful looking at pictures of your precious Zoe, for your heart still aches for "what could have been." I know that ache, too, my friend. Hopefully as your deep grief eases you will be able to look at your precious Zoe's pictures and find yourself smiling, even if there is a mist in your eyes and a little lump in your throat. It's okay, Joanne. This is normal.

Joanne, I do hope that your meds and the cortisone shot will help you to be more comfortable. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam