i haven't been able to say any words for a while now, it's like they all just got zapped out of my head whenever i went to talk. since i woke up from that sleep really, just so empty and lost. the day she was killed we talked about the memorial and every minute after i think i used the planning of it and thinking of it to almost fool myself into thinking my baby was not really gone. now i don't know what comes next, i don't know how to be anyone or anything without her. i just don't. i should be glad the memorial was so beautiful, it also just made me feel how final it all is. she's gone, forever and ever. my sweet precious baby girl who taught me all about love, the good and pure kind. it's too sad even for crying, you can't cry when the sadness is so heavy that it makes you not know how it is you are even still breathing. this probably makes no sense, but it's where i've been and where i am as best as i know how to say. it's ok if noone says anything back, i just needed that to be somewhere else outside of this place i'm in.

Hi rainbohdi,

What you're saying actually makes PERFECT sense. As I was reading your post I was nodding my head -- because that's exactly how I felt when I was at your 'stage' of the grieving process. I remember going through all the same emotions -- wondering how I could ever feel happiness again, struggling to find out who I was without having my Daisy to love and care for. I remember feeling like nothing had any meaning anymore, and that all the things I used to enjoy meant nothing to me. For the first couple of months, you're kind of just going through the motions of life, but not really living. There seems to be a dark cloud that follows you everywhere. In time, this dark cloud will slowly start to lift. You will start to get glimpses of sunshine, though every now and again it will return. In time, you will start to feel that your baby has never really left you, because she is still etched so strongly in your heart and memories and being, that it feels like a part of her is still with you. Unfortunately, you can't rush through all this. You just have to take it each day at a time and try to ride with it.

We are all here for you, every step of the way. Offering you a cyber shoulder to lean on when the dark cloud is all-consuming, and sharing your joy when you see a glimpse of sunshine.

Take care of yourself and please continue to let us know how you're getting on whenever you have the strength.

Big hugs -- Cheryl xx

Hi, Rainbohdi, just adding my support to what Cheryl has so beautifully written in her response to you. This grief journey is a very painful one. It is a process of re-defining who we are now that our beloved companions are with the angels. It is an adjustment journey to defining the "new normal" - - a very painful process both emotionally and physically - - which is one of many reasons why this grief journey truly is a one day at a time journey - - sometimes a one moment at a time journey.

And as Cheryl has so comfortingly assured you, so I wish to echo her wisdom: each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. We are here with you, for you, beside you every step of this journey, and hoping you will feel both our individual and collective support, encouragement, and comfort bringing hope to you at all times and in all circumstances of your adjustment journey.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Rainbohdi, and please do let us know how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Rainbohdi,

Your writing made sense. Cheryl and Moon_beam have so eloquently expressed their support and understanding. When our love and reason to be is connected so closely with another being, we feel completely lost without them. It is through this darkness that we struggle to re-define ourselves.

The post traumatic stress can make it difficult to even cry. There are animal companion grief counselors who do phone sessions as do some of the veterinary schools for little or no cost.

I'm glad you took the time and had the energy to write to us again and trust that you will continue to let us know how you are doing. Please know that you are not alone in this grief journey. I hope you will be gentle with yourself.

With peace, and healing thoughts and prayers,
Juturna

thankyou cheryl, moon_beam and juturna for understanding and for giving of yourselves, though i sure do wish that none of you ever did have to suffer like this.

every time i close my eyes i see the dog ripping my baby apart, i see her tiny ravaged body where she lay when the attack was over, i see my entire body covered in her blood and more from holding her even held together by towels. i hear myself screaming so loud. i guide my mind away from that to one of the endless beautiful memories of her, but it just goes right back to the gruesome memories and plays them over and over. it's 3am sunday morning here now, less than five hours away from exactly 8 weeks since she died so horrifically.

on monday i'm going to ring the vet hospital that i took her body to and ask about getting some help dealing with this.

take gentle care
rb



my precious little poppet

i'm so so so sorry. i know you wouldn't blame me, but it was my job to keep you safe and i couldn't and for that i'm so sorry. you didn't deserve to go in such a brutal way.

i miss you so very badly, i just hope that you are safe and happy wherever you are now. you were my angel here on earth and now you are my angel up there.

big cuddles and smooshes and a long tummy rub.
love forever and always from mummy xoxox

Hi, Rainbhodi, thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing. I do understand how traumatized you are from what happened to your precious Bohdi. I hope your vet is able to give you some recommendations and referrals that can help you. When a traumatic event has happened it does take time for the pain in the memory to ease, and sometimes this requires some form of therapeutic assistance.

Rainbohdi, our beloved companions know that we can only do the best we can. Your precious Bohdi knows that you had no idea what would happen that morning as you took your walk together. She knows you love her with all your heart and would gladly have taken on the attack yourself to spare her any harm. I know she truly does want your heart to be at peace so that you can focus on the many years of wonderful memories you share of her earthly journey with you, and I hope and pray with all my heart this will happen for you. I also know this will take time, Rainbohdi, and each of us are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step you take in your journey.

The anniversaries are hard, Rainbohdi, for they are intense reminders that our beloved companions are no longer physically with us, as well as reminders of the events of how our companions joined the angels. I wish there was a way I could erase your pain and bring peace to your heart, but unfortunately I do not have that power. The only thing I can offer you is my sincerest friendship, support, and encouragement hoping that it can bring some hope and comfort to you.

Rainbohdi, I hope today is being kind to you, that you are surrounded by your precious Bohdi's sweet Living Spirit filling your heart with joy. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Rainbohdi, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon-beam

Dear Rainbohdi,

I loved your note to your precious little poppet. It is soooo full of love. I believe your precious girl has forgiven you and wants you to forgive yourself. As Moon-beam so eloquently stated, she wants you to be at peace.

I'm so glad that you will be asking the vet for a referral. Hopefully he/she can be helpful in guiding you to someone. This is a courageous step and something I believe your precious Bohdi would want for you.

Anniversaries are very difficult. Please know that my heart aches for you, and I share your pain. (Today is the one month anniversary of my beautiful Victoria's passing.)

Hope you are able to sleep tonight.
With peace, hugs, and healing thoughts,
Juturna

My dear Rainbhodi,

I cannot imagine what it was like for you that morning that a tragedy took your baby from you. No one else can walk in your shoes and know the horror of what you experienced. I can only hope for you that with time those memories will fade and happier ones will take their place. No life should end the way your precious babies did. I do hope the dog that attacked her will never hurt anyone else. I don't remember if you said the dog was euthanized.

I had spoken with my vet after Zoe was killed but she did not know anyone in our area that I could see for counseling. I have found a support group but it is too far for me to drive at night. I am just grateful to all of you. I hope you have found some comfort from this cyber support group, too. I am glad that you were able to post about how you are feeling on the 2 month anniversary. I hope things will begin to get easier for you soon.

Joanne

the ranger called me back today and i was on the phone to him for ages. he has still not been able to speak directly to the dog's owner, who is apparently doing all he can to evade the ranger by going into hiding. the owner of the property the dog escaped from has apparently been actively trying to help find him (it is his daughter's boyfriend's dog). after they found out about the attack, they said the dog's owner had told them that the dog had been moved to a rural property, which the ranger said is not an adequate solution, even if it was true. more recently he has claimed that the dog was taken to the pound in a different suburb and euthanized there. the ranger does not believe this to be true either, he said that the dog owner would have no reason to be making himself unable to be found if it were and also his story isn't making sense. the daughter works away and has been out of contact, but in the next couple of days will be home and the ranger is hopeful that she will lead him to the dog's owner and also the truth about where the dog is.

whilst speaking with me today, the ranger said that he had discovered that the owner had been using the dog in illegal hunting trips. i find this really very disturbing, though not surprising at all. it does make me want to ensure that all is done to ensure that the dog is actually euthanized, purely and simply for the safety of other living beings. i am not angry at the dog, but i do want the owner to have consequences that will make him think about his choices in the future. i wish that he could be prevented from owning another dog or at the very least have to pass certain criteria and have some sort of monitoring if he got another one. that won't happen though.

it is a complicated mess as it stands at the moment. i gather from what i can research that our laws make it very difficult for rangers to do their jobs adequately. it is possible i may never know the true outcome and that the right one might never be reached.




it turned out to be a busy day and i didn't end up getting the chance to make that call yet, but i will.

i took the heart with bohdi's name engraved on it from her collar today and put it on a piece of leather around my neck. it is heart shaped and feels nice to have hanging close to my heart. i had a blood test today and the lady who did it asked me straight out of the blue when bohdi died, i think because she saw it.




dear forum angels
i wrote and rewrote something to each of you, but my words feel so clumsy and wrong and i'm scared that they will end up being hurtful instead of helpful. so instead, please know that i am thinking of each of you and your precious angel furbabies with the very gentlest of care wrapped in super magical rainbow fairydust. during my day time, i am sending you rays from our beautiful summer sunshine to warm your hearts and bodies.


joanne, is there a phone counsellor you could talk to ... it can work quite well for some people, just an idea you may or may not have thought of.

Stopping by to see how you are doing today.

I was worried about that dog being able to injure or kill another animal or person. We had a lady here in South Carolina killed on Friday but a neighbors 2 dogs who got out of their yard. She was working in her garden. She knew the dogs but they still attacked and killed her and then turned on their owner and put him in the hospital The police were there and had to shoot the 2 dogs. So sad that animal pets can become so dangerous. You do wonder what kind of enviornment they are living in and if they have been abused.

Today is 6 weeks for us since we lost Zoe. We were very busy this morning so didn't have time to think about it but now back home. I am feeing better emotionally today but back is hurting. Are you sleeping?

I hope that the dog who killed your baby is found and that it may bring you some peace but I know you will still miss Bohdi. There really are no magic words I can say to make you feel better. If there were I would say them to myself but it does help to "talk" with you and the other friends here.
Please take care.
Joanne

Hi, Rainbohdi, thank you so much for sharing with us about your conversation with the ranger. It's always amazing to me how perpetrators of animal - - and human - - cruelty always somehow manage to elude responsibility. I, too, am hoping and praying with all my heart that the girlfriend will be able to help the ranger bring some justice for you and your precious Bohdi.

Here in the United States there are some individual States that have laws making the owner responsible for their animals that attack other animals and people with legal charges that are felonies instead of misdemeanors. This is relatively new here in the US, and is a very slow process for the individual local courts to uphold, but still there is a growing recognition that responsibility is paramount in tragic and traumatic circumstances. Also, some jurisdictions do have laws preventing a repeated human offender of owning any animals in the future, and if found to break this ruling can be imprisoned. There have been quite a few cases here in my rural area of Franklin County, Virginia, over the years that have resulted in felony animal cruelty charges and imprisonment. It sounds to me like the owner of the poor unfortunate dog who murdered your precious Bohdi needs to have the harshest penalties processed against him -- and follow him for the rest of his life. He obviously has very little care for the dog, and probably any animal in general, so I'm seriously wondering what level of compassion he has for another human being. Both Scotland Yard and the FBI have profiled that sociopaths and sociopsychopaths have a proven history of animal abuse. Just from what you shared with us today, Rainbohdi, I cannot help but wonder what other abusive behaviors the owner of the dog might be doing. Perhaps if the ranger could get some history on this person he might be able to present a case of repeated offenses that would bring the judge / court to render the harshest judgment possible against him.

As for the dog, I agree with you that the most humane thing to happen is for him to be euthanized, for at this point he is probably not a candidate for behavioral rehabilitation. This is so sad because as a puppy he was an innocent little being who, if he had the fortune of a loving human caregiver - - the circumstances of his life - - and yours and your precious Bohdi's - - would be much different.

Rainbohdi, my heart goes out to you, for you are being subjected to one of the most horrible experiences on this side of eternity. I know what it's like to lose beloved companions as a result of cruelty by others, and I pray with all my heart that you will come to know that what happened to your precious Bohdi is NOT your fault - - NOT EVER - - NEVER - - your fault.

Rainbohdi, I am so glad you are wearing your Bohdi's heart ID tag around your neck, close to your heart. I hope this brings you comfort and peace, my friend, for you so deserve it. I hope you will have a peaceful evening, Rainbohdi, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Rainbohdi,

Thank you for sharing your conversation with the ranger today. You are showing much strength and courage going through this. The owners of the attacking dog need to be punished severely and I only hope he/they are found with the dog before there is another tragedy.

As Moon-beam expressed so eloquently, what you have gone through is a most horrific experience and it was not your fault AT ALL. I love how you are wearing Bohdi's heart tag and know he is happy with that, as well. I hope wearing this brings you closer to his spirit offering you some peace.

With peace and healing thoughts from my heart,
Juturna

thankyou so much for your responses. i know i wait a while between writing, but i do think of you and your furbabies often. it has been quite hot here, so if you feel a sudden warmth, it's thoughts from me.

i am in australia. he will have a number of infringement notices placed on him but i have been told that even they wont end up being alot of money and he cannot be prevented from owning more pets. so not alot will happen to him really. it makes me so incredibly sad and disheartened that in the eyes of the authorities, my precious baby girl really had no value. her life was taken in the most horrific of ways, she did absolutely nothing at all to cause that, but the person ultimately responsible for it will suffer a only small financial loss. i think his poor dog was just a possession to him that he will be able to replace.

i am having trouble sleeping. while i am awake i can steer my thoughts away from the horror of her death and make myself remember her whole and beautiful and clever and funny and just absolutely perfectly bohdi. in order to fall asleep though, you need to let go and it is in that moment that i get flooded with it full strength which jolts me awake. also, once i am asleep there are the nightmares and this trauma has unearthed old traumas too (ones i thought i had dealt with but find returning anyway).

i think my friends expect me to be moving on and so i find myself pretending to be coping. it is only here that i feel i can say how i really am.

i like wearing her heart id tag and i have a rolled up blanket i snuggle that i think i can still smell her on (not sure if i am deluding myself, not that it matters really so long as it helps). i talk to her and i find myself stroking her picture on my laptop.

i struggle with the fault thing. it is one of the reasons i will not get another dog. i don't trust in my ability to keep another one safe. more importantly though, i would be so paranoid and have to wrap it in cotton wool so much that it just would not be a good way for a dog to live. i could not knowingly subject a dog to that kind of life. but, like i said, that is not the only reason.

words can be so inadequate at times, especially in times of grief and especially when the grief is for the being that meant more to you than any other ever had or ever will, when you loved her so much you hadn't known it was possible to love someone so much and especially when her death was an act of senseless random violence that should never have been allowed to happen.




this is for bohdi and all your furbabies (i didn't write names, because i didn't want to accidentally miss someone out when the intent is for ALL of them, except of course if you don't want it)
Click to view attachment

take the gentlest of care
rb

Hi, Rainbohdi, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I do so understand what you're going through, for different traumatic circumstances. What you experienced with the horrible attack and fatal consequences of your precious Bohdi is a life changing event. I pray with all my heart that in time you will be able to feel peace in your heart once again.

I'm so sorry that the laws in Australia are not as strict about protecting companion furkids as they must surely be for the protection of livestock. Perhaps this is something you might be able to change - - or begin the process of changing - - if / when you feel up to the challenge of researching and making contacts, etc.. I'm just thinking that if you could bring public attention to the circumstances of what happened to your precious Bohdi then perhaps your precious Bohdi's bravery in her final moments can be a source of inspiritation and perhaps set in motion the upgrading of the protection of all beloved companions - - including the removal of furkids from people like the individual who had the poor unfortunate little soul who attacked your precious Bohdi. And this may in some way bring justice for you and your precious Bohdi.

Rainbohdi, I wish there was some way I could take this horrible pain from your heart, mind, and soul, but I do not have that power. I deeply feel your sorrow, for I have been where you are and know first hand the deep sadness that is in your heart - - and emptiness that is in your life - - and so truly understand why you feel it best for you to not have another furchild. Please know that whatever "decision" you make now is not engraved in stone, - - it does not have to permanent, for in time your precious Bohdi may be able to help you find some peace and comfort in your heart and reassure you that it's really okay to have another fur companion in your heart and life. But wherever your journey leads you, Rainbhodi, I can only reassure you that you are not alone, my friend, and to reaffirm to you that this is one place where you do not have to put on a "public face" with us.

Rainbohdi, I hope and pray that you will have a peaceful night tonight, filled with the sweet presence of your precious Bohdi's Living Spirit to keep you company. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Rainbohdi, and look forward to knowing how your doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Rainbohdi,

It is very disheartening that the authorities are not willing or able to protect companion dogs. You must be soooo
discouraged. Here in the US when there is an injustice to an animal, I've contacted PETA, and they have given me direction. I know there is a PETA in Australia. Also, as a member of animal rights groups, I know that if one of them decides to take on a case, the authorities will receive thousands of letters and emails, making it hard to ignore.

My heart feels your pain and emptiness. And as Moon_beam said, you are not alone. The sleep disturbance must be so very difficult on you. Your willingness to continue sharing your pain is a step towards healing, even though the pain seems endless right now.

I love how you roll up Bohdi's blanket. I often smell my precious Victoria's blankets, and at this point refuse to wash them. And I agree with you that words can be inadequate when the love and grief are enormously overwhelming.

Wishing you peace. And thank you for the candle.
With healing thoughts, and hugs,
Juturna

Dear Rainbohdi,

My heart fills with such sadness at the injustice of what happened. I've wanted to write another response to you for a while now, but as you so eloquently said, words are just so inadequate at times, and I just couldn't find the right ones. So, I just want to say that I'm sorry for all you're going through, and that I'm thinking of you. Please continue to let us know how you're doing whenever you can.

Take care as best as you can,
Cheryl x

Cheryl, Juturna and moon_beam - i can't thank to each of you enough for your time and your support and for sharing of yourselves. the world is a better place because you and people like you are in it.



i've been struggling to find words yet again which is why i've been so quiet.

i typed and deleted paragraph after paragraph so many times.

not sure why i'm even posting this, maybe someone will understand all of what i seem not to be able to say.



take gentle care
rb

me again

writing to others has opened up a path to me. interesting how this site works in so many different ways.

for now i am going to let the ranger run the full course of his investigation and see what solution comes from it.

i've spoken to a neighbour recently and she had a dog seriously injured by another dog when she was living a couple of suburbs away. the ranger from that council did nothing and told her that they never did anything unless a human was involved, even if there was an animal fatality. she went to the newspapers and did some campaigning for action, all to no avail. so it's apparently lucky to even have a ranger that will take any action.

although i've been collecting information from various sources about the handling of dog attacks and dog laws in my state, if there isn't a satisfactory resolution through the ranger, im feeling very uncertain about me being able to do anything to change that in any way. for one thing, due to safety issues (for separate reason) i cannot be part of any media campaign. it also has been difficult to get alot of specific information from the ranger. i don't even know the breed of the dog that killed my girl. ugghh ... i'm rambling. i certainly have not given up on doing whatever i can to make sure the right thing gets done.





my bohdi girl

i miss you more than ever. even though you had just a wee little body, you had such a big presence and i miss that space that you filled with your joy and your cutenss. i miss your kisses and licks and snuggles. i miss how soft you were and how you looked at me full of love and knowing. i miss you being my nurse when i was sick. i miss watching you chuck your toys around and the awesome greetings you gave all your people. i could write forever of the things i miss about you.

i'm so blessed to have had you in my life for the time i did. you healed me, you taught me and most of all you loved me. you were such an amazing little poppet.

i hope you are happy and bouncing about all over the place. i hope you met up with your 'him', he would have been so overwhelmed with delight and love to see you again.

i'm sorry baby, so sorry.

remember my one and only baby girl that i love you with all my heart, forever and always
snuggles and kisses and the biggest loves

Hi, Rainbohdi, thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing and how things are going. You are very wise to let the ranger handle things, particularly since there are safety issues for you if you were to try to go public. Just remember there are many different paths to obtaining "justice," - - sometimes it's the smallest thing you say to someone who can then relate your story to someone else who is "higher up" in the judicial system, who can then share your story with someone else who can actually begin the process to change the law - - which takes a very long time. Here in the US it took literally YEARS for specific counties to even discuss the problem of dangerous animals unless it affected livestock - - there was NO interest in the emotional value of a beloved companion unless it was of Pedigree, and then only financial compensation was offered for the "cost" of the companion. Only within the last 15 to 20 years have the laws here in the US begun to recognize that companion animals have "worth" - - both physical and emotional - - and the laws that have been changed to reflect this are now slowly in the process of being uniformly upheld in the courts. It still all depends on the judge who gets the case.

The thing for you to remember is that you are TRYING to do what is right for your precious Bohdi, to obtain some form of justice for the both of you. This is all you can do, Rainbodhi, and I promise you your efforts will not go unnoticed by the most important person of all - - your precious Bohdi who is watching over you and loving you with all her heart.

Please believe me when I say this can also be very consuming - - both physically and emotionally - - and I know your precious Bohdi would want you to focus on your loving memories of the earthly journey you shared together - - not just on the horrible moments that took her physically away from you. I say this because I know how deeply a traumatic event can change a person emotionally - - I live with it every day, too. So, please know that you have an advocate on your side - - although on a different continent. I wish there were something more tangible, more real, I could do for you, Rainbohdi. I wish I could hop a plane and come visit you and look in your eyes and tell you face to face how very sorry I am for all that you are going through, but that isn't in the finances, I'm sorry to say. Nonetheless I hope and pray with all my heart that you can feel my heart reaching out to you across the cyber miles offering you my sincerest friendship to comfort and encourage you.

Thank you so much for sharing your loving letter to your precious Bohdi with us. Believe it or not your love bond will grow stronger through your continued earthly journey - - for she is always with you - - always a heartbeat close to you.

Rainbohdi, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Rainbohdi,

You have a course of action now in your search for justice. And the ranger seems to have a real interest in this. Trauma such as you went through is more than an extremely difficult life experience. As Moon_beam said, it can change you forever.

I adore the note to your precious Bohdi girl. Your memories are so dear and full of love. I believe she is smiling and happy.

And thank you for supporting my feelings with my new canine adoption. It was just too soon and I will be taking him back to the shelter tomorrow. I trust that he will be adopted very quickly by someone who is ready for him, as he's a little love. I'm anxious about it, and need to work on forgiving myself. Your friendship is so very much appreciated.

With gratitude and peace,
Juturna

I have not posted to you as I have been away with no computer.

I can't imagine what a horrible experience you had when your baby was attacked. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and hoping with time things will get easier.

the dog who murdered my precious girl has been euthanised. the owner will receive infringement notices amounting to several hundred dollars (dog causing a nuisance, dog not on a lead & dog not wearing registration/id).

i feel empty and sad and angry and confused and lost. i don't think it was enough, the owner was at the very least incredibly irresponsible and this resulted in two dogs dying. what is with 'dog causing a nuisance' ... it savagely mauled my girl to death.

i don't think that justice was served for the loss of my most precious baby girl.

i miss her more than i can cope with. it feels like i just lost her all over again. my thoughts are constantly overtaken by the horror of that day, no matter how hard i try to make it otherwise.

i'm sorry to you all, i'm sorry to my sweet bohdi girl, i'm just so so sorry.

Rainbohdi,

I'm so, so sorry for this terrible outcome. I really was hoping and praying for a more just punishment. I cannot believe that they can label what happened as a "dog causing a nuisance". That's just disgusting. A dog barking all night long; a dog constantly tolieting on somebody else's garden -- these are all things that should be labeled as a "dog causing a nuisance" -- not a dog taking the life of somebody's baby. This is so, so sad and all I can say is -- I'm sorry.

Rainbohdi, I hope you're getting some help from conselling services. You are going to need all the support in the world to get this through. All I can say is, try not to worry about your precious Bohdi now -- she is in a wonderful place, full of sunshine and happiness, surrounded by all of her favourite treats. And she is sensing your heartache and thinking, "Don't be sad, Mommy, I love it here. It's great! And I will keep coming to visit you. I'll never leave you! And I will wait for you, here at rainbow bridge, until it's your appropriate time to join me; and then we will cross the bridge together..."

Hang in there, Rainbohdi. Keep taking it one day at a time. We're all here for you.

Hugs, Cheryl xx

Dear Rainbohdi,

Justice was not served. What a disgusting outcome that the owner was fined so minimally, and received no jail time. Karma will take place in due time for him.

This has brought the trauma to the surface again for you. And the pain must be so overwhelming. Please know that I only wish that I could take it away for you. My heart aches for you and with you. I am so very sorry that you have to go through this. You are not alone here.

As Cheryl said, your precious Bohdi is in a wonderful place. And she wants you to know that.

With peace and prayers,
Juturna

Dear Rainbohdi, please permit me add my sincerest sympathies in the outrageous injustice that has been done to both you and your precious Bohdi by the "judicial" system. I, too, am very sad that more penalities were not invoked against the "owner" of the dog who brutally murdered your precious girl. For different tragic reasons many years ago I do understand your anger and frustration and desolate feelings. For me, I had no healthy way to vent my anger, and everyone around me was telling me it was time to "move on." This only deepened my anger, and eventually I ended up in a crisis situation that took a lot of counseling to get me to where I can function.

As Cheryl has already so compassionately mentioned, so I also wish to add that I pray with all my heart that you will be afforded the assistance of a compassionate counselor who can help you through this trauma. And as both Cheryl and Juturna have reassured you, so I add mine to theirs: We are here with you, for you, and beside you every step of your journey, Rainbohdi. I hope and pray with all my heart that you can feel both our collective and individual support and encouragement reaching out to you across the cyber miles to comfort and strengthen you in this time of deepest sorrow.

Rainbohdi, I know right now things look very dark in your heart, and you're questioning how you can possibly continue on in your earthly journey. Please believe me I do understand your pain. Hopefully with a lot of support from each of us here and your friends, and the assistance of a compassionate counselor, you will be able to find an acceptable answer to this question, and others, that are burdening your heart. Your precious Bohdi does not want you overcome with grief and guilt with what happened to her - - it is NOT and NEVER WILL BE your fault.

Rainbohdi, please know you are close in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

*~*~*~* i can feel your support and caring and i really don't know where i'd be without you. i have read this thread many times, trying to soak up the comfort and validation and great advice you've offered. i can't thank you enough for hanging in with me. i wish i could offer you more ... please know that even though i may not post in your threads much, i do think of you and your furbabies often and send you gentle healing thoughts. *~*~*~*



the ranger is supposed to contact me to arrange to show me evidence that the dog was euthanised (the right dog, as much as anything). he was waiting for proof of it when i spoke to him on friday. when i see him then i plan to tell him a little more of what i think about the fines, especially seeing as he told me a couple of weeks ago that he would be giving the owner every infringement he possibly could (and i am sure the dog act gives him scope to fine for much more than just 'dog causing nuisance').

i'm angry at the owner and at the system, like really really angry. i don't know what to do with that at all. i hate being angry, it's not who i am. i have had plenty of bad things happen to me that most people would get really angry about but i haven't. this is different because it happened to my sweet innocent baby girl. she was so fit and healthy, walked for miles every day, played and ate well, loved with all her huge heart and found joy in every moment she was awake for. nobody ever believed her age when they were told, they guessed her to be so much younger. it was not her time to go and it would never have been the right way for her (or any furbaby) to go.

sleep is a real problem, even with medications. when i close my eyes i am flooded with visions of my precious bohdi being so violently attacked. try as i may i can't seem to stop it happening. during the day i can control it more. i'm so tired.

tomorrow (well actually later today as it's 1.50am now) i have an appointment with my doctor and i am going to ask him for help regarding finding some counselling. he has been very supportive, helpful and compassionate over the years with various physical and emotional issues. he also knows that bohdi was my world. i hope he can help, it's not easy to find someone good that i can both afford and get to (i can't drive). i need help so badly though, i know that and i know it needs to be soon.

i talked with my 91 year old aunt yesterday, she isn't really my aunt and she's actually much more like a grandma. she adored bohdi and used to brag about her and talk about her antics to everyone she met. she babysat bodhi for me many times. her health isn't great and her family didn't think she could cope with knowing how bohdi died. it makes it so hard. she said something about bohdi dying without suffering and i had to hold on tight to stop from breaking down in tears and telling her that was as far from the truth as possible.

Hi, Rainbohdi, thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing. Please believe me when I say I do so understand how you're feeling with the anger, "i'm angry at the owner and at the system, like really really angry. i don't know what to do with that at all." For different reasons I do so understand, and it is something that even now I sometimes still struggle with the anger of the U.S. judicial system. But it no longer is a daily obsession, and for that I am very grateful.

As for the lack of sleep, I also know what you mean. It took quite awhile for the nightmares and "stuck needle in a groove of a vinyl record" to ease for me, too, when I tried to sleep. But I promise you, Rainbohdi, the nightmares and flashbacks do subside - - it just takes time, my friend. I know it seems to you right now that things now are the way they will always be, but I promise you, my friend, they will eventually get better. It's just going to take time, and lots of support from those who truly do understand, and believe me - - - each of us here truly DO understand. I"m glad you have an appointment with your doctor today, and I hope he is able to offer you both some encouragement and a referral to a compassionate counselor.

I am so sorry that your elderly friend is not cognizant of the trauma you are going through, although for her fragile situation it is so special of you to continue to protect her from the shock. Your selfless compassion is admirable, Rainbohdi, and is a testimony to the very special person you are.

Rainbohdi, I hope and pray with all my heart that you feel my friendship reaching out to you across the cyber miles. I truly do understand what you are going through, my friend. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Rainbohdi,

I am new to this site and just finished reading your story. I lost my sweet Golden Retriever, Peggy, 2 weeks ago and my heart is broken into a million pieces. Reading your story, the pieces shattered even more. I am so sorry for the loss, pain and the horrible memories you've been forced to endure. I wish I could hold you in my arms and rock to you to a gentle,peaceful, healing sleep. I truly hope your Dr is able to help direct you to a compassionate, skilled counsler who can help you through this incredibly painful time. I wish there was a magic phrase I could offer, which would help ease your pain.

Please forgive me if what I'm about to say is out of line but from what you said a little earlier, working on Bohdi's very touching memorial service offered you an opportunity to focus on something other than those final moments. I'm wondering if it would help you to initiate legal action against the owner? Since the true consequence of the event was to his dog, who paid with his life, and not the owner, maybe taking legal action and forcing him to accept some consequences for his irresponsible disregard would help you gain back some of your power - which was cruely ripped away. I think the injustice of the situation is adding further to your pain and frankly, the owner of the other dog should be paying for any counseling you need. He is the only one responsible for the entire situation - his dog wasn't taught to be social and safe, his dog wasn't properly restrained and if the dog was used for illegal hunting, he clearly encourged aggressive behavior against other animals. There is nothing you or anyone else (except the owner) could have done to prevent this horrible tragedy. It may be possible to create some legal/civil repercussions for him. And usually with irresponsible, uncaring bottom-dwellers like this owner, making them pay out of their wallet usually is the only thing that gets their attention and possibly changes their future behavior - this type bonds stronger with their money than they do with other living things. I know suing for money won't really help you or bring your beautiful Bohdi back, but maybe it would help empower you again and force this irresponsible owner to change his complete disregard for the safety of others.

I pray with all my heart that your pain and horrific memories ease and that someday soon you are able to celebrate Bohdi's life with only fond memories and smiles. It is totally understandable that you have been so deeply traumatized and it's taking time for those images to fade to the background. Please know that anyone who has a special bond with their furry family member would be going through exactly the same pain. It is completely 'normal' and there is nothing you have to apologize for, to anyone.

Please be assured that Bohdi is healthy, happy and missing you but patiently waiting until the day you are reunited and probably trying to find ways to ease your pain. I am positive he is safe, and knows he's safe so please don't worry about where he is and if he's okay. Animals hold a special place in God's eyes and heart and he loves and protects them when he calls them home. Bohdi and the other dog will never cross paths again, so please rest easy on that account.

I will keep you and Bohdi in my prayers, asking that your heart be granted the peace you so desperately need and deserve. Please hang in there. I know it's almost impossible to breathe or even move forward at times but I promise you, you are not alone. You will never forget him but the pain and horrible memories will eventually move back enough so they're not the strongest memories of his beautiful life.

Please know that you are in my heart and I will continue to pray for you.

Peggy

Dear Rainbohdi,

Of course you are angry. You were expecting justice and this was not what happened. I'm sorry that sleep is so difficult. Sleep deprivation feels so awful.

I'm glad you are asking your docotr for a referral, and hope he knows of a compassionate couselor who you can work with.

Please know that I'm sending you healing thoughts and prayers.
With peace and gratitude,
Juturna

not sure why, no words coming so we got a picture instead

Click to view attachment

12 weeks today, 3 months on the 26th

Hi, Rainbohdi, sometimes words just cannot express the depth of our heart's feelings, but a picture says it all - - as does this picture of your precious Bodhi.

Truly our hearts do not need a calendar to cross off the days - - for our hearts know exactly the number of hours, days, weeks, months, years - - lifetime - - of not having our precious beloved companions with us. I am truly very sorry that you are having to endure not only the deep sorrow of not having your precious Bohdi with you, but the tragic event that took her away from you as well - - and now the added burden of the injustice imposed by the court system.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Rainbohdi, each and every day. I hope your doctor is being able to help you, and that he / she was able to refer you to a compassionate counselor to help you as well. And Rainbohdi, please know each of us are here for you ALWAYS - - we are ALWAYS on YOUR SIDE.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Rainbohdi,

Thank you for the beautiful pic of your precious Bohdi. Her spirit looks so strong.

I understand how the deep grief continues. Please know that I share your pain.

With peace and healing thoughts,
Juturna

saturday was 3 months since bohdi was killed. the violent and horrific way she died still haunts me as if it just happened this morning. i still haven't seen proof that the right dog was euthanised, i did find out that the fines the owner gets amounts to only $250. i have not done anything new since i wrote, the grief and the trauma loop are paralysing. time doesn't heal, maybe makes it easier to pretend that it does which i think actually hurts even more.




*~*~*~* my dear sweet bohdi

i miss you so much in so many ways. i miss you from the moment i awake to find you not here, all through the day knowing you are not with me or at home waiting for me, at night when i'm trying to fall asleep and while i sleep in my dreams. people think i'm ok and if they get a sense that i'm not they let me know that i should be finding ways to move on. they don't realise just how precious you were to me, they can't understand that you were my child in every way.

i miss your excited face when i woke in the morning and you waited for me to get ready for your daily outing. i miss watching you trot confidently alongside me while i rode on the gopher, and the times you just had to stop to fully investigate a smell and then if it was good enough you'd roll in it. then you'd stand up and shake yourself and look up at me with this proud look on your face, while you had the messiest wee body. i miss having you stand between my feet on the gopher, watching carefully to see where we were going. i miss how you knew when you had to jump on and when you could jump off. you were so clever and so well behaved, people used to comment on how well behaved you were (along with all the compliments on how adorable and cute and incredibly young looking you were).

i miss watching you sleep and listening to the sweet baby snores and suckling noises you made and the occasional funny little yip sound you'd make. i miss when you woke during the night if i had to get up and your face would be all smooshed in on one side and your whole face had a fuzzy, sleepiness happening. i miss putting my hand on your chest while you slept so i could feel your heartbeat along with the gentle rise and fall of your breathing. i miss being able to bury my face in your super soft and sweet smelling fur. i miss your sweet belly that you loved to have rubbed and how those little legs would kick around waiting to make contact with something to hold them if you were lying on your back.

i miss watching you play with your toys and having you bring your sock to me in the middle of the night. i miss knowing that if i blew up any balloons you'd have to have one of your own and you'd play to and fro with it with me and tear around the house chasing it (it was amazing how you almost never popped one).

i miss your awesome welcomes to me and to all your people. all your people miss your welcomes too.

i miss your licks and kisses and the snuggles. i miss how you when anyone picked you up you sort of jumped a little and tucked up your end half, helping them lift you. it was cute that you really thought you were in a big body and we needed help to pick you up.

i miss the space that you filled with your presence, the vibrant energy of your character, the way you loved with all your might and the healing you gave those around you.

there are still so many more things i miss, but i have to stop somewhere ... for now at least.

you were the ulitmate baby girl, my most cherished love. i love you with all my heart and more. i hope you are safe and happy and with him.
forever and always
mum

ps - i am crying now and i miss that you are not here to lick the tears from my cheek *~*~*~*

"time doesn't heal, maybe makes it easier to pretend that it does which i think actually hurts even more."

Hi, Rainbohdi, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and your heartfelt letter to your precious Bohdi.

I wish there were words I could say here, words I could write here, that could take this piercing pain from your heart, but unfortunately I know there are no adequate words in any language that can do that. I wish I had the power to turn back the hands of time to that horrible day so that your precious Bohdi could still be with you - - healthy and happy - - but I don't have that power. All I can do is try to offer you some comfort and reassurance that this deep grief you are feeling is normal, and try to offer you some hope that your heart will not always feel this tragically devastated. One day, when you least expect it, you will find yourself being able to focus on your precious Bohdi's LIFE with you, instead of the tragic event that ended her earthly journey with you. It is true you will never forget it, for this event is very much a part of your memory, but it will not always be your central focus.

Getting to this place in time, however, means navigating some very treacherous waters with waves that seem horendously unrelenting. It means sometimes forcing our hearts to be brave when the howling winds of this grief journey storm are so loud and frightening that all we really want to do is shrivel up and die.

Rainbohdi, one of the most important things for you to remember is that you are not alone navigating these treacherous grief waters and the darkest storm your heart will ever know on this side of eternity. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. We are here with you, for you, and beside you every step of the way, holding onto you through each of the fierce winds and crashing waves.

Rainbohdi, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Rainbohdi,

Three months is not that long when we have lost our little girls who are so very much a part of our hearts. I feel how much pain you are in, and only wish that there were some words of comfort that I could offer. Language seems only to understate. It is perfectly OK that you have not "done anything new". Yes, grief and trauma can paralyze us for a time.

I love the beautiful letter you wrote to your precious Bohdi. It brought tears to my eyes.

Please be gentle with yourself and know that we are here with you every day on this extremely painful grief journey.
With healing thoughts and peace,
Juturna

hello my beautiful baby girl

today is 8 months since your life tragically ended. it feels like an eternity since i held your sweet soft warm body in my arms. at the very same time i can remember the horror of the brutal attack that killed you as clear as if it had just happened this morning.

i will never understand why you had to be taken in such a cruel and violent way. my heart breaks thinking how terrified you must have been. it haunts me that i don't know how much of the attack you were alive for, how much or how long you suffered. the one time you needed me more than ever and i couldn't do anything. i'm so so sorry my precious.

i miss you more than ever, the gaping hole in my shattered heart gets bigger as time passes. i feel lost and broken and alone.

the only reason i'm still somehow here is because you've managed to make yourself felt to me so strongly and in so many ways. i can't thank you enough for that, my loving little angel. please make sure you don't use all your energy connecting with me, i want you to be spending loads of time enjoying the freedom of that perfect health world up there.

i can't control the intrusive flashes of your death, they come without warning and hit hard. as a counter-measure though, i make sure to remember you whole and healthy and happy as much as i can, there are so many awesome and cute and funny and adorable memories to choose from, so it's something i can do easily.

i'm sorry i'm not doing better. as much as i was your mummy, you gave me so much. you made everyday difficulties with mental and physical health issues so much more tolerable.

i will love you completely and totally, forever and always
goodnight my one and only baby girl
sweet dreams
love and big cuddles
your mummy

Click to view attachment
even though this picture of you is my wallpaper on my laptop and i've spent so many hours gazing at it and talking to you, i only just noticed the other day that in it you have a halo, you really are my bohdi angel girl

Hi, Rainbohdi, thank you so very, very much for sharing your and your beautiful Bohdi's 8 month angel-versary with us. You are in my thoughts and prayers very frequently.

"i can't control the intrusive flashes of your death, they come without warning and hit hard. as a counter-measure though, i make sure to remember you whole and healthy and happy as much as i can, there are so many awesome and cute and funny and adorable memories to choose from, so it's something i can do easily."

"the only reason i'm still somehow here is because you've managed to make yourself felt to me so strongly and in so many ways."

I do so understand what you are feeling. Post-trauma flashbacks are very hard to deal with because they do attack from nowhere - - and everywhere. I'm encouraged though to know that you are now able to focus on your many memories of your beloved Bohdi, and that you are blessed with feeling her sweet Living Spirit with you. This is comforting for the both of you, Rainbohdi - - for there is no other place your beloved precious girl would rather be than in your heart and your memories. I know how hard it is to endure the days of physical separation, and your beloved Bohdi wants you to know that she is forever with you, and that you are forever a part of her as well.

And thank you so very much for sharing this beautiful picture of your beloved Bohdi with us. Indeed - there is a halo encircling her head with her sweet angel face. Thank you so very much for sharing this beautiful picture with us.

Rainbohdi, again, I am very thankful and honored to share your and your beloved Bohdi's 8 month angel-versary. Thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. I know this is a very difficult journey for you, so please know you are NEVER alone, as each of us are here for you. There are no "expiration dates" here for sharing your heart with us, - - you are ALWAYS among friends here. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Rainbohdi, and please do let us know how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Rainbohdi,

I am so sorry that you're still in such pain. I think of you often and you and Bohdi are always in my prayers. I wish there were something I could do or say that would help ease the pain in your heart and the trauma you're experiencing. The picture you posted of Bohdi is beautiful, Her sweet soul shines through her eyes and I'm glad she's able to let you know she's around. She clearly loves you, as much as you love her. I understand why you miss her so very much.

Please know that you both continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I send you a big hug ((((Rainbohdi))))

Please take care of yourself,

Peggy

I was drawn to read your story and am so heartbroken for you. I just lost my beautiful doggie and your words are exactly what I feel - I want to go into a corner, curl up and die. And then i feel guilty again because i have other babies to take care of and i try to focus on them and its hard. I just wanted to let you know that you and your baby are in my thoughts and prayers. I will pray for the horror to somehow leave you alone so you can have peace. I don't understand why this world can be so cruel. So I will pray for you and your baby to have peace.

dear moonbeam, peggy's human & cindyp

thank you so much for your messages to me, i'm just so sorry that i took so long to reply. i'm also sorry that you all are suffering the most profound heartache of your beloved furbabies having passed.

i think of you and the others here often, even though i don't manage to be able to tell you that.

i'm so grateful for you and for this place, it helps me to have this safe and special place for bohdi and i. at the same time though, i find myself overwhelmed from the combined grief when i come here and am then usually rendered unable to find words to write. i wish i was stronger to fight this so i could offer support back, i need and want to try to be at least.

sending gentle, caring, healing thoughts your way




anyway, today is nine months since bohdi was killed. i miss her more than ever. it feels like forever since i snuggled her soft warm body into mine and yet i remember the attack like it happened this morning.

i'm still wearing her heart id tag around my neck and i fall asleep holding it tightly in my hand. i talk to the picture of her that is my laptop wallpaper as if she were really here with me, i even stroke the screen lovingly.

i'm still having trouble with sleep and flashbacks. i'm also still so angry at the owner of the dog that killed my baby and at the system for only handing out a minimal fine and at the fact that we think the right dog hasn't been euthanised but unfortunately despite trying we can't prove it and so have had to let it go. my baby was healthy and fit and happy, then all of a sudden out of nowhere she was violently snatched away from me before her time. that is so not right and yet nothing can be done about it (not that 'any'thing could ever make it right, but appropriate action against those responsible would at least make the statement that my precious loving baby girl was worth something in the eyes of more than just those who loved her).

even though i have well thought out and realistic reasons for not getting another furbub, i can't help but feel a little like maybe there is something wrong with me because of it. it seems most people either already had another baby or if they didn't then they get one after a few months.

i apologise for any randomness and for making this somewhat rambling ... i am a bit sleep deprived which doesn't help.





hey there sweet poppet

i hope with all my heart that you are safe and happy up there wherever you are. you will always be my one and only bohdi girl. i love you more than i ever thought it possible to love, you taught me all about love in a way that noone else ever could have.

i cherish every moment you spent down here with me. thankyou for making yourself known to me from up above and to your other earthling people too, and for getting so creative in ways to show us that you're there watching over us.

i have little bohdi pawprints etched on my heart and my mind is full of memories of you in all your cute clever loving awesomeness.

i am so incredibly blessed to have had you in my life, my magical ball of black fluff ... a wee little body with a great big personality and an even bigger heart.

i'm sorry i couldn't keep you safe and sorry too that i couldn't get some semblance of justice on your behalf. i'd go to the ends of the earth for you if i knew how to.

truckloads of love
forever and always, always and forever
your mummy
xoxoxox

Hi, rainbohdi, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please believe when I say that what you are going through with post-traumatic stress is VERY NORMAL. Unfortunately, this doesn't make it any easier to handle. I wish there were a way I could reach through this cyberspace and make all of your deep sorrow go away. All I can do is offer you my deepest and sincerest friendship hoping in some way it may bring you some comfort, encouragement, and hope.

Rainbohdi, there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with you for not wanting to adopt another furchild - - for whatever reason. They are YOUR reasons, and they are LEGITIMATE to you. Please don't compare your situation to anyone else. Some people adopt right away - - that's fine. Some people foster and pet sit for friends and family - - that's okay. Some people never adopt again, and do not foster or pet sit - - and THAT'S OKAY. YOU must do for YOU what is best for YOU, Rainbohdi. You will NEVER be judged here. You will ALWAYS receive our individual and collective support, encouragement, comfort, and friendship.

Rainbohdi, you have suffered a very tragic and traumatic loss. It is just going to take time for the post-traumatic stress to ease. Unfortunately this doesn't happen overnight, or within hours, days, weeks - -. It will happen over time - - in YOUR time - - in the course of your journey. Please know we are ALWAYS here for you, Rainbohdi. There are no "expiration dates" here.

Thank you again so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing with us your heart-filled love letter to your beloved Bohdi. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Rainbohdi, and please do let us know how things are going for you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Rainbohdi,

It's so good to hear from you. I've often wondered how you're getting on. My heart still breaks for you, and what you're going through, to this day. I'm sorry you're still in so much pain. But as moon_beam says, this is perfectly understandable. It will probably take a long time for your heart to heal, but you will get there, my friend, I promise you.

I also agree with our dear moon_beam about you not having to feel 'weird' for not adopting another pet. It's been a year and a half since I lost my precious house-bunny, and I soo miss having a bunny to love and care for, but I still don't feel ready to adopt one, and I'm not sure if I ever will. And that's fine with me. As moon_beam said, you have to do whatever feels right for YOU! Please don't worry about what other people are doing/feeling. You're going on your own personal journey, and you have to deal with things your own way.

Rainbohdi, you and your precious angel-girl are frequently in my thoughts. Please let us know how you're getting on whenever you're able.

Big hugs, Cheryl x

Hello my dear Rainbohdi,
So good to hear from you. I am not here much any more either. Still busy with work so I don't get on the computer much.
I am not surprised that you are still having flash backs and anger about the way your baby was killed. I do hope that some day that will fade into the background and only the love that you felt for each other will be in your mind. I say that to you but I have not reached that place yet either.
Zack and our new furchild, Kasper do keep us busy but that does not lessen the loss of Zoe. Some day you may be ready to open your heart to another furbaby but only you will know if this is right for you.
Please take care,
Joanne