I am new here and not sure if is ok for me to be posting this so soon, but I guess someone will tell me if it's not.

I also don't know if it's ok to say what happened to her because it was so very awful and people might find it too hard to read, perhaps someone could tell me about that too.

I have supportive friends and they are all devastated that she is gone, even moreso because of how she went.

I couldn't have human babies so she was my one and only baby girl and my most precious love. She was 15 but still so agile and full of life and she neither acted nor looked her age. She loved me, her other people and life so very deeply. She made people smile every day, from her extended family to total strangers out on her walks. Even people who'd say they weren't dog people seemed to make an exception for her.

I know I have to go on, but it has been me and her for so long now that I don't know how to be just me. Every second of each day I have to fight the urge to curl up in a corner and die. I just miss her so badly it feels like every cell in my body is distressed, there is an ache and an emptiness I think will be there forever.

I couldn't save my sweet little girl, she trusted me to keep her safe and cared for and I just couldn't keep her safe this one time she needed it more than ever.

I hope everyone else suffering the pain of the loss of their babies is as ok as anyone can be at a time like this.

rb

Hi there. Welcome. It's certainly not too soon to be posting.

As far as I know, you can post about what happened. If you think it might be really hard for some people to hear, maybe you could kind of put a warning at the beginning of the post. Then people can stop reading if they want to.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Kelly

Sorry for your loss - I think if you want to write, then it's not too soon for you. It is really gut-wrenching and for me the physical pain and heartache were unexpected ..... Perhaps if you try to focus on the good things you shared in the past week or so rather than the end you will be able to start to move forward.....not sure but it helped me.

Take care of yourself

Margie Jane

Hi, rainbohdi, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved companion. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company.

Rainbohdi, this grief journey is one of "adjustment", of re-defining our lives without the physical presence of our beloved companions, and it is a very painful journey - - both physically and emotionally. Our beloved companions become the center of our universe during their earthly journey with us. Our lives change for the better when they come into them, and they change again when they precede us to the angels. This time, however, we are blessed to have their precious memories and unconditional love to hold onto, and their sweet Living Spirits always within our hearts sharing our lives just as they always have, and always will.

Rainbohdi, unfortunately we do not have the gift of foreknowledge as to the circumstances of "how" and "when" our beloved companions will join the angels. Guilt is a part of the grief journey, unfortunately, and is one of the hardest emotions to reconcile, because guilt is the result of the "wisdom" that comes from hindsight. We are overcome with the "what if's" "if I had only's" "why didn't I's" "I should have's" "I should not have's" - - and on and on and on. Your precious girl knows that you love her with all your heart, and would move heaven and earth, walk through roiling lava or on hot burning coals to make sure that she was safe, healthy, and happy. We can only love our beloved companions each and every day to the very best of our ability, Rainbohdi, and this is all our beloved companions ask. Our beloved companions do not want us entrenched in guilt. Rather they want us to remember their earthly journey with us with a happy heart, and hopefully, as your deep grief passes, you will be able to do this. But this will take time, one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.

So it is important for you to know that you are among friends here, Rainbohdi. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

It's certainly not too early to post about your fur ball. I posted about our loss the same day, as hard as it was. But I needed to "talk" to someone else who went through the same traumatic experience. I am deeply sorry for your loss and understand how you feel, as does everyone else here. Please let us know how you are doing. We are here to help.

Thankyou for you kind and understanding words, though I am sorry you understand this kind of pain too.

I'm not sure exactly why but it feels important to speak about how she died, like I said above it was horrible and though I have tried not to include any gory stuff it might be wise to stop reading here if you think hearing about it might be too upsetting to you.




On Boxing Day morning I was taking my baby out for her daily walk, having a lovely time just the two of us like any other regular Sunday morning. Then a big dog came tearing around a corner and just got my little one and viciously attacked her. I screamed and screamed at the top of my lungs for some help and a lovely couple came. After mauling her, the other dog just took off. I picked her up, she had horrific injuries ... we're not sure when exactly she died, but for her sake I pray that it was at the beginning of the attack.

I held her for quite some time before we had to hand her over, a friend was able to wrap her up so her little face was showing but none of her injuries were. It was so hard to let go of her, I wanted to hold her forever. Despite the fact that she had still been so fit and healthy, because she was 15, I had thought about her passing sort of trying to prepare myself. I surely wasn't prepared for her to be taken so soon and absolutely nothing could have prepared me for her to be taken such a cruel way.




I have lost people I loved before, but this loss of my precious baby girl feels different somehow, like more gut wrenching or something I just can't seem to find words for. She taught me so much, loved me so unconditionally, entertained me with her antics, gave me strength I never knew I had and so so so much more.

I've written so much, but feel like I haven't even scratched the surface of what's inside me right now.

Wishing you all moments of peace where you're remembering something lovely about your precious baby/pet/friend/loved one.

Thankyou for this place which is helping me to process it all. I hope in the days to come I will feel strong enough to read about and comment in your posts.

Say whatever is in your heart, we are here to listen. Talk until you are no longer full of words, difficult memories, until the flow stops and you can feel a little bit of release.

That is what this site is all about, the sharing, those small moments of relief, those heavy times of loss.

I am so sorry for the loss of you wonderful longtime friend. I am glad you are here and telling us your story. Keep on writing, keep coming back.

Jan

Rainbohdi my heart goes out to you. If you want to write about how you feel or what happened go ahead. I am also quite new to this site but everyone is really supportive. Take care, you and your baby are in my thoughts and prayers.

Margie

I'm so sorry for your loss, Rainbohdi. You're in my thoughts.

Again, thankyou for your warmth and understanding. It helps to know that there are other people out there who understand just how incredibly difficult losing a furbaby can be.

Yesterday I was interviewed by the Ranger and although he was nice, I had to retell the whole story of what happened ... right down to exactly how she was attacked and the full details of her horrific injuries. That was heartbreaking enough but it is apparently quite possible that it will go to court and the whole inquiry will go on for months. It is all very messy, confusing and distressing.

I miss her so much ... miss waking up to her excited little face that knew we were going out for a walk as soon as I was dressed, miss seeing her throw her toys, miss just watching her sleeping and listening to her tiny sweet little snore, miss falling asleep with my hand touching her soft black fur and most of all I just miss knowing that wherever I was she was just a step or two away.

I want to be remembering all the amazing and adorable things about her, but because she was killed by another dog and because I might have to go to court I have been told I have to keep it all fresh in my mind. Normal advice to a grieving person is to try only remembering the good things and happy times, but I can't do that.

I'm sorry if I come across in a negative way, I'm kinda numbed out and confused.

Take gentle care of yourselves
rain

Rainbohdi,

I'm so, so sorry for you loss. And to have your baby girl taken away from you so cruelly -- I can't even imagine what you're going through right now. You're probably suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; which would be no surprise considering what you've been through. I'm also sorry that you will have to keep re-living it. Perhaps you could write down everything that happened? Then put the note away until you need it again. That way you can try to focus on the wonderful memories of your precious girl. The memories and the love are yours forever -- nobody can take that away from you.

Take care and please continue to let us know how you're doing.

Cheryl xx

Hi, Rainbohdi, losing a beloved companion is never easy, and losing them in such a tragic way compounds our grief and shock.

Rainbohdi, one of the many important things for you to focus on is the truth that your precious baby girl KNOWS you always did the very best for her to keep her safe, healthy, and happy. This situation was something you could NEVER EVER have anticipated, nor provided any adequate protection against. Therefore, there is no burden of guilt for you to carry, Rainbohdi.

I'm glad you have made an official report on this tragic incident, and that the inquiry will proceed. I would like to suggest that you write down everything you said to the Ranger so that if you are called to testify you will have it for a reference, and perhaps it can be read into the record without you're having to testify. AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY, this will give you the opportunity to re-focus your thoughts and memories to what YOU need with the assurance that you have a written account that you can refer to in the future if needed.

Please believe me, Rainbohdi, you are not being "negative" in any way. What you are feeling is grief in the traumatic physical loss of your beloved companion.

Thank you so much for sharing your precious girl with us, and for sharing with us the events that so abruptly ended your earthly journey together. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Rainbohdi, and please do let us know how you're doing and how things go for you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thankyou so much for the idea of writing it all down, it has helped alot. I still see the horror of that time when I'm not concentrating, but when I do now I know I can try to refocus my thoughts to something beautiful about my Bohdi baby girl instead.

I got her ashes yesterday, I wasn't expecting them so quickly. We plan to have some sort of service like thing for her, there are others that were very much in her life and hers in their's too. Not sure of the when and how of that, it will be very hard but also very beautiful. After the horror of her passing, there needs to be some beauty because she was such a beautiful little girl.

I really wish people wouldn't talk about how much I need to get a new dog, I know their thoughts are well intentioned but they don't know me well enough to know that is the absolute last thing I need right now. One lady in particular is really pushing it and I don't want to be rude, but it's quite upsetting to me.

So badly I wish that on Boxing Day I had stayed at home, then I would still have my awesome little girl safe at home with me.

I went home briefly the other day and got my mail and among other things I had a card from the Vet Centre she went to. The words were really beautiful but what was just so so precious was that they had put two of her actual paw prints in it (like inked).

Anyway, this is all over the place, but I am so glad to have this place with you wonderful people to share this journey with (even though I wish more than anything that noone had to suffer like we are).

Bohdi's mum

This is her, but she didn't like having her photo taken so she either looked away or looked really serious or both
Click to view attachment

sorry to be posting yet again, but i think there is something wrong with me. my heart feels broken beyond repair, i don't want to take another breath without my baby girl breathing softly beside me, i don't want to do anything at all unless she knows exactly where i am, i feel an emptiness that's come from a hole left from a massive sucker punch to my gut, i cannot believe that i wont see that adorable little face looking at me with love and trust and enthusiasm for life, i don't think i can bear to put away her bowl and toys and blankies and assorted other stuff when i return home, i don't think i will ever recover from this and i don't think i want to because i don't want to put you far enough out of my mind to do that. despite all this and much more, what i've written up to now doesn't even nearly begin to captiure the depth of despair i feel

Hi there,

I lost my precious LuLu 17 days ago. I have some good days, and I have some bad days. I am so sorry to hear about your tragedy. Pet ownership is a gift, and we are responsible for our dog's actions. I hope the right thing comes out of all of this and the owner is held accountable.

Don't kick yourself for feeling grief. Grief manifests in different ways for different people. At times I feel dead and numb, like I am sleepwalking through life. Read my latest post in "Brand New and Hurting" and you can see that it can change in an instant.

Do what feels right for you and yours. I thought I should take forever to grieve, but I have not ever been without an animal in my life and think LuLu's memory would best be honored by re-focusing my energy into a new pup. But that is just me- if it takes a year for you, so be it. I too, get angry that no one else feels the same amount of pain that I do. How dare the world go on!!????

You are in the right place. Everyone, and I mean everyone, on this forum either feels just like you or has been through it. Keep posting, it will make you feel better.

Hugs to all of us -
Christie

There's nothing wrong with you. If there is, we're in the same boat. I understand the despair you feel because I feel it, too. Our vet told us that, while Bruiser had heart disease, he was on the best medication and would be around for another five years. That was a month before he died. His passing wasn't even close to the traumatic experience you went through, but I think both of us thought we were going to have more time with our furry kids. The fact that they were taken from us so abruptly makes it all the worse.

I don't know what to tell you to make you feel better because I, too, feel like there's a hole in my heart. All I can say is that there are good people here who have made it through what we're going through. You and I will make it, Rainbohdi. We'll make it. It's going to take us time and it's going to be rough, but we'll get there.

You're in my thoughts & prayers.

XOXO
Chrissy

Hi, Rainbohdi, thank you so much for sharing this wonderful picture of your precious Bohdi with us. I'm smiling at your description of her not liking her picture taken. My Oslo was the same way - - so very shy when it came to having his picture taken.

Having a memorial for your precious Bohdi is a wonderful way to honor her earthly journey with you. If possible you may want to think about video recording it, so you can put it with her things.

Rainbohdi, there is no hurry in putting away your precious Bohdi's things, if having them out is comforting to you. It has been 13 months and 10 days since my Oslo joined the angels, and I still have his toys in the toy chest, and his ashes in the velvet case on the shelf next to my bed, and I still have his medical records in the drawer along with Abbygayle's and Noah's. Several years ago I bought a life size stuffed Black Lab, and it is wearing Oslo's seatbelt harness and his collar with all of his tags. And I still have his life-size rabbit - - Oslo's very favorite toy we named Harvey (from the James Stewart movie of the same title) at the foot of my bed where Oslo slept every night.

So you see, Rainbohdi, you must decide for you what will help you through this very painful grief journey. Some folks do put things away because that is what is best for them, but it's okay to do something else that brings peace and comfort to your heart, and that's what your precious Bohdi wants for you, and that's what each of us here also want for you.

As to the matter of people "encouraging" you to get another companion, it's okay to say "Thank you for your concern, but this is not appropriate for me, and I ask you please to respect my wishes and not talk about this again." - - Or whatever words you wish to say. And if they persist, then you have the right to walk away from them and leave them talking to the air.

Rainbohdi, I promise you that you will never ever forget your precious Bohdi. I promise you that every second during your continued earthly journey that your precious Bohdi will be in your heart and your thoughts, for the love bond you share with her - - yes, share - - is eternal. This beautiful love bond you have with Bohdi is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space, and I promise you that not even when our minds grow dim with age - - our beloved companions will always always always always be a warm glow in our hearts and memories. I promise you this, Rainbohdi.

This grief journey is not about "moving on" or finding "closure." There is no "closure" to love. As for "moving on" - - this has implications of "forgetting," and it is impossible to forget the ones we love. More to the point, this grief journey is about "adjustment" to the physical absence of our beloved companions. And this "adjustment" is a very painful one - - both emotionally and physically. Unfortunately there is no easy way through this "adjustment" grief journey, Rainbohdi. Our lives change for the better when our beloved companions come into our lives, and they change again when our beloved companions precede us to the angels. This time, however, we are blessed to have our beloved companions' sweet Living Spirit with us wherever we go and whatever we do, and the cherished memories of their earthly journey with us. They are forever a part of our lives, Rainbohdi, for they are forever in our hearts and memories.

But I do understand that this is little comfort to your breaking, shattered heart, Rainbohdi, at least right now. You have suffered a very tragic loss, and I am so sorry this has happened. If I had the power, I would gladly turn back the hands of time for you so that you and your precious Bohdi would still be together, but I don't have that power. The only thing I can offer you is my sincerest support and encouragement in the hope that somehow you will find comfort and hope as you endure this journey of deep sorrow.

This grief journey is one of the most painful experiences we will know on this side of eternity, but please know you are not alone, Rainbohdi. I hope and pray with all my heart that you can feel both our individual and collective support and encouragement embracing you across the miles, and that it can bring some comfort to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Rainbohdi, and please do let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

sorry i dont have words to ssay back to you right now, cept thankyou so much and i will be back when i have more proper words

***yucky stuff***

its 1.30am and i can hardly keep my eyes even barely open but every time i let them shut i see my baby being brutally mauled and then her laying on the ground all twisted and torn and broken. i remember hours later that i was told to shower and change cos i was literally soked in her blood, i really hadnt noticed. i had just wanted to hold her til the last minute i could before we had to take her the vet to be cremated. there were four towels she was wrapped in too. so tiny and sweet and vulnerable and the bravest little soul. i dont know exactly when it is she died, she looked still alive when i first picked her up and for a while after, but the man and woman who came to help me said they thought she died during the attack. im not sure if they are just saying that to make me feel better or if its true, but for her sake i hope it is.

i am so so so so so sorry my most precious baby girl that i couldnt protect you. my heart aches that you were such a loving gentle girl who didnt deserve to go in such a violent savage way.

i keep trying to put happy memories of her 15 and a half precious years with me there instead and it works, right up until that last moment i relax enough to fall asleep and then im awake again. so i start over the sasme process again.

i guess i just have to keep trying until it works. sorry if this doesnt make any sense and sorry if its too intense, i tried to put it as nicely as i could but it was so not nice its a hard thing to try to do.

thankyou for letting me have this space, even if noone can read it, the fact i have the space to right it and put it somwehere outside of my head hleps.

Hi, Rainbohdi, for different reasons I do so understand the intense trauma you are feeling, including not being able to sleep because of the horrific memory that invades your mind. I truly am so very sorry for this horrific experience for you, - - for this horribly tragic event for your precious Bohdi.

I know one of the questions you must be asking is "why" - - and rightfully so, and I wish I could give you an answer. "Why" is comprised of - - why was the attacking dog running loose to begin with. "Why" is comprised of did the attacking dog have a history of this behavior. "Why" is comprised of did the attacking dog have legal owners, and if so, were they aware they had a dog with a capability for being vicious. "Why" is comprised of were the local animal control officers aware of this dog's capability of being vicious, running loose, and if so, were they trying to do something about it. "Why" is comprised of - - in spite of all of this, why did your precious Bohdi have to suffer this horrific attack at all.

Answers can help, eventually, and I hope and pray with all my heart that you are able to receive answers that will help bring some comfort to your heart, and bring some justice for your precious Bohdi.

Rainbodhi, please do not hesitate to talk to your doctor if you find that you need some medicinal assistance in getting sleep. What you are experiencing is part of post-traumatic stress. It is not a sign of weakness to talk to your doctor about this, - - what you are experiencing is real. Right now trying to focus your thoughts to pleasant memories may not be enough. Your physical body, including your mind, need to get rest for this grief journey is very stressful and takes a lot of energy to endure. You can't maintain a good balance of energy if you can't sleep. And clinical studies prove there are serious physical side effects to sleep deprivation.

Rainbohdi, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers every day, and please do let us know how things are going for you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

im so sorry that i dont visit more often and that i havent reached out to hardly any people, i want to but the mix of all the grief here and my own makes me feel even more like im drowning in sorrow. so i come here intending to try and help someone feel heard and cared about in their pain and leave having not done it, except in my own head and heart which is of little use to you if you dont know. again, im so sorry.

i had to come say this somewhere though ... at this time exactly four weeks ago my baby girl was being viciously attacked by a dog that had escaped from the his backyard. it was violent, brutal and fatal. my precious baby girl's life was ended in the most horrific of ways and yet she had always been such a sweet friendly girl in all her 15 and a half years. i wish with all my heart that i hadnt taken her out that morning or that we had taken that bit longer to leave or something that would mean she hadnt died like that.

i know everyone's furbaby is the most precious wonderful clever adorable furbaby that ever was, but there really was something just that bit extra special about bohdi, so many people said it and it was so apparent in the way she lived each day. she had a real zest for life and a massive delightful character inside a pint-sized body.

i try so hard to make myself think about all the amazing stuff about her, but the horror of her last few minutes just takes over like it is seared on to my brain. why, i mean i know she had to die at some time but like she did, why??

inside my head is chaos and i dont know how to fix that. maybe the memorial service next sunday morining might help, we are going to have a few words and then release some black and pink (she was totally black, except for her tongue) balloons with a little note inside and then some cake and coffee and some talk about her life.

i love you my baby girl and im so sorry i couldnt save you.

thankyou for this space, i hope in time i can maybe help someone. i wish each and every one of you a moment's respite from the pain that will be filled with a favourite memory of your furkid and for further on, i wish you many many of those moments.

take care as best you can

Hi rainbohdi

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss of little Bohdi. The photo your posted of her is beautiful. A lovely little dog.

Your memorial service sounds really nice. Will be a a lovely tribute to her.

I hope you're having a relaxing weekend. Take it as easy as possible.

Peter

(((HUGS))) to you, Rainbohdi...I just read this thread and my heart goes out to you. I cannot even begin to imagine what you went through in losing your beloved Bohdi in such an unexpected and shocking way; I do agree that this would surely have triggered Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

For anyone who loves a pet and shares that deep soul connection with them, losing them is truly like losing a child of your own. This is something that only one who connects with animals so completely will understand...and with such a loss can follow overwhelming grief, pain, guilt and blame. The hardest part in all of this is acknowledging that the self-blame - no matter the circumstances - serves no purpose other than to keep our hearts shrouded in pain. Of course you will feel it; but being able to release that blame and acknowledge instead that you were the best mom in the world to your wonderful Bohdi is what counts.

Unfortunately, such tragic losses occur often, leaving the animals' owners completely frozen in the moment...replaying (as much as they do not want to) the events over and over and over again. I used to know someone online who - several years ago - lost her beloved cat in a similar way. She and her husband owned a magnificent, long-haired beauty; their cat was 16 years old and completely deaf. She was a house cat; never ventured outdoors, always remained inside and would lavish long hours sleeping in the sun's rays in their living room. One day, however, when the woman and her husband were getting ready for work, their kitty somehow, and for reasons they will never know, managed to slip outside unnoticed when one of them opened the garage door. Because their cat was elderly, as well as deaf, her defenses were poor...and two dogs who lived next door (and were constantly allowed to run loose) spotted her at some point, and attacked her.

My friend tortured herself relentlessly over this, blaming herself over not watching more carefully; not noticing that her cat had left the safety of the house; not reporting the neighbours earlier to authorities when their dogs, shepherds who were known to be unfriendly, were menacing the area. But the truth is, no one can predict the future, and for all that we do to protect our beloved pets, and as much as we pray that we could...we cannot always prevent tragedies from happening.

What I see in your posts is someone whose heart is aching profoundly, and who is torturing herself over not only witnessing such a horrible event, but over blaming yourself for what did take place. What I see beyond this....what I see in you, through your words and your heartbreak, is a beautiful soul whose heart has always brimmed over with love for this gorgeous little girl. One thing I do believe without doubt is that the animals who come into our lives choose US, not the other way around, and Bohdi chose you. She knew that you would love her deeply, completely, and without condition. You gave her everything that she needed in life, you gifted her with pure, absolute love, and I am positive that she would never want you to hold onto any blame or pain in her passing. No matter how they leave us, our gift of love to them - and theirs to us - is what matters. Nothing else. She is forever with you, in your heart, in spirit...and in love.

Hi, Rainbohdi, I hope you can feel me reaching out to you across the cyber miles holding your hands and sharing your sorrow. I truly wish there was something I could say that could help take this painful burden of grief from your heart, and remove the horrible terrifying last moments of your sweet Bohdi's life with you from your memory. For different reasons I do understand the trauma you are feeling and the haunting helplessness in not being able to save your precious girl. I hope and pray with all my heart that the beautiful memorial service you and your friends will share will help to bring some peace and comfort to your heart.

Rainbohdi, each of us can only travel our grief journeys in our own way and in our own time. When we are overwhelmed with grief, we must allow ourselves time to heal by drawing on the strength and encouragement of others who honestly do understand what we are going through - - for however long that takes. We are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, Rainbohdi. And we are so glad you are here with us so that we can get to know you and share your heart's love - - your precious Bohdi.

Rainbhodi, I hope someone will be able to take pictures, or maybe a video, of your precious Bohdi's memorial service so that you can have it to put with her other treasured things. Perhaps in time having it will bring comfort to you.

Thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, Rainbohdi. Sometimes holding those you feel close to in your heart and prayers is all we can do, and I thank you for thinking of me in this time of great sorrow for you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Rainbohdi, and please let us know how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

i really dont know what i would have done without the support i have gotten here. i am so thankful for you being here and for giving of your time and your selves.

i will try to get someone to video our little memorial for bohdi. so badly i need there to be a nice sendoff for her. she gave me more than any other person has ever given me and i will be forever so grateful for the 15 and a half years i was blessed with her presence and her love.

during some soul searching about the course my life has taken, i have just recently wondered if perhaps my lesson (or the reason bad things keep happening) is that i have to allow my feelings space to be expressed and more importantly not just feelings in general but all of them (including the messier ones). i think ive used a number of different mechanisms to cover them up and hide them away over time, terrified of becoming lost in them and also of pushing people away with the uncomfortableness or ugliness of them. sorry, that is just some sleep deprived ramblings, probably doesnt even make sense.

i so miss falling asleep with my hand on her soft warm furry little chest able to feel the rise and fall of her breathing and my ears being able to hear the ever so soft sweet little snore with the occasional little yip noise. i miss that expectant and excited face i used to see first thing in the morning, i miss watching her confident trot when she was out walking and the look of pride she'd have when she rolled around in some grotty stuff and then stood up to show me. i miss her curiousity and playfulness, her loving and generous heart, her clever and alert mind and then also the occasional dopey things she would do in a moment of over-excitement or sleepiness. it was like there was an invisible string attached to her and my ankle, cos she was always right there with me but if she had to be somewhere else she still knew where i was and what i was doing. more sleep deprived ramblings.

my doctor did give me some medications but they arent working terribly well.

sorry for rambling, but from the bottom of my heart i thank you for hearing me with such open hearts and minds. i am also sorry that for you to understand so well can only be becuase of your personal losses and pains and i wish that you hadnt had to of suffered so.

take gentle care

Hi, Rainbohdi, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing today. We are here together - - there are no strangers here, for we share a common friendship - - the wonderful love bonds we have with our beloved companions, and through them we meet here to share what is in our hearts.

Sleep deprivation adds to the stress of grief, so it is important that you get some restful sleep, Rainbohdi. This is important for your health, and to give your body the strength it needs to endure this grief journey. If the medication your doctor has given you isn't helping you, then I would like to encourage you to give him / her a call so that he / she can give you a different medication to try. Sleep deprivation can also take a toll on your immune system leaving you more susceptible to colds, flus, that can have complications. So, please talk to your doctor again if the medications you currently have do not work for you. It is also important that you eat something and drink fluids - - even if it's just soup broth - - your body needs this in order to endure the stress of grief. Please understand I'm not trying to tell you what to do. For different reasons I do understand the horrible impact of trauma you are going through. I know what it's like to have to force myself to eat even though I had no appetite and being afraid to sleep because of the nightmares. I just want you to know that I do very well understand what you're feeling, and am just trying to offer you encouragement that I hope will help you.

This grief journey is a very difficult adjustment to the physical loss of our beloved companions - - both physically and emotionally. Scientific studies prove that every time they touch us, rub against us, they are leaving a physical chemical on us that imprints us as belonging to them. When they are no longer physically with us, our bodies do go through a painful withdrawal from this physical contact. The ache that is in our hearts is real, Rainbohdi, for our hearts literally ache to feel our beloved companions' sweet physical bodies close to us.

Rainbohdi, our beloved companions give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention. With them we do not have to put on a "public face" to win their acceptance. You do not have put on a "public face" here either, Rainbhodhi. Each of us here understands what it is like to not be able to rely on some people who are the closest to us and who we thought would be our foremost source of comfort in our moment of need. So please know we are here for you, with you, and beside you, Rainbohdi.

I hope in some way what I have shared with you will be a source of comfort and encouragement to you, Rainbohdi. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi, Rainbohdi, just want you to know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. I hope your memorial service for your precious Bohdi will bring some peace and comfort to you. I will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Rainbohdi,

The trauma that you went through with your precious little Bohdi, is extremely painful. A vicious attack was not something you had control over. Please be gentle with yourself.
I'm so glad that you will be having a memorial service. She was so adorable. And I totally understand how she was your baby, just as Victoria was my baby.

Post traumatic stress can follow such a shocking horrific attack. It is something that usually needs brief therapy to heal.

With healing hugs and thoughts,
Juturna

hi again

thankyou for your kind words and also sharing. i wish noone else knew this kind of pain, i hate to think of other people hurting this much.

we had to postpone the memorial because we are on a cyclolne alert for tomorrow morning, so it will be the following sunday now.

i seem to have lost all my words, sorry.

take gentle care


ps: i found some words and am writing some responses but my words feel clumsy and not quite right - i sincerely hope i don't write something that makes it worse for someone.

pps: it's sunday here now and sunday's used to be our favourite day of the week, now each one seems like some kind of torture, with the images of that day playing over and over no matter how hard i try to turn them off (happens the other days too, just not as bad). maybe i am going to have to see my doctor again and see if he has any ideas (different medications and/or counselling).

Hi, Rainbohdi, I know what you mean about the days of the week - - Mondays are hard for me. It was the morning my mom died from her injuries, and the days that I started a week either having to send one of my furkids to the angels or knowing that there was an appointment with the vet during the week to send one of my furkids to the angels. My heart goes out to you, Rainbohdi - - I do understand how you're feeling.

I'm sorry your memorial service has had to be postponed but I know your precious Bohdi wants you and those she shared her earthly journey with to be safe.

I hope your doctor will be able to offer you comfort, encouragement, and hope, Rainbohdi. And I hope you feel our comfort, support, and encouragement reaching out to you across the cyber miles, and through this your heart can draw on our strength and feel hope.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Rainbohdi, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Rainbohdi,

My heart feels your pain, and I share in your grief. I feel how intense this is, especially on a Sunday. (It was last Sunday that I lost my precious Victoria.)

I hope you do not find this too direct as it is only meant with love and sincere compassion. Asking for a counseling referral for trauma sounds wise. What you went through was extremely traumatizing and that is why the images keep replaying in your brain. This compounds the grief, and can be so painfully overwhelming and shocking to your very being.

Postponing the memorial service must have been a let down. I know that Bohdi would want you to be safe. I trust that the service will take place when it is time.

With healing thoughts, prayers, and hugs,
Juturna

thankyou for your replies.

turns out the cyclone had fizzled out before it got anywhere near us, but it does work out that this next sunday is a better day for a couple of the people coming, so i guess it was as it was meant to be.

i am hoping that having the memorial will help some with the trauma part of my baby girl's death ... sending her off in a positive, loving way ... making nicer memories to put in place of the horrific ones. not sure that is how it works, but i will try.

i do know that the couple who came to help us on boxing day are still deeply affected by it. apparently the man told my friends that he will never ever forget my screams. i went to see them the other day to drop off a card and invite them to the memorial and the lady was crying when we left. given i saw the whole attack and that she was my one and only baby of 15 and a half years, i guess it makes sense that it would still be very difficult for me too.

finding a counsellor/therapist is a bit tricky though. where i live there are virtually none available, especially at a price i can afford. after the memorial, i will look into it more if i still need to. i know if things don't get better i have to do something because inside my mind and even outside (but behind closed doors so noone notices) things are a mess.

i feel quite robotic and as though i'm watching myself from above.

thinking of you all with care

i made a powerpoint slideshow of pictures from when she was a puppy right up to days before she died. it will be running on my laptop during the memorial.

i got the balloons for the release in black and pink, because she was completely black with a cute pink tongue. there will be 15 because she had that many years alive.

a friend who does services is going to read some stuff that is actuallly quite nice, then i am going to read "just a dog" (not sure where i found that but it has a message in it i want everyone to hear and when i read it to my friend who can't come, she thought i had written it because it was so fitting for me and bohdi). i hope i will be able to read it and not have to have my friend take over, it feels important i say the words.

i am making some little cards so the people can put their name on and also a little memory they have of bohdi ... i plan to use these in the scrapbook i do for bohdi.

i have a friend who is taking care of cake and coffee for after. we are having it at the far edge of a special picnic area because it was a place bohdi could always spend ages investigating and also because there is a little bridge right by it and my girl loved bridges. whenever we saw one she wanted to go across it, never did figure out why but i think it's kinda cute.

have a friend who will video it. i hope it will be nice and that we have everything covered.




it's 12.55am, i have been awake since 12.30 the night before ... i've upped the dosage on my medications. i need to let myself cry but i'm so scared of the feelings swallowing me whole and then me ending up in lalaland.

Hi,

The memorial sounds like such a wonderful tribute to your beautiful baby girl. I hope it brings some peace to your broken heart -- even if only for a while. Just know that your precious Bohdi will be right there with you -- feeling all the love that you have -- and will always have -- in the part of your heart that will forever belong only to her.

We would love to see more photographs and anything else that you feel comfortable sharing.

Please let us know how the memorial goes. You will be in our thoughts and prayers.

Take care of yourself and I hope you manage to get some sleep soon.

Big hugs, Cheryl xx

Hi, Rainbohdi, just adding my 2 cents to Cheryl's wonderful response. The memorial service sounds absolutely beautiful, and your precious Bohdi will be with you. It's alright if you need to take a break reading the selection "just a dog", - - just take it slow and easy.

I truly hope and pray that Sunday's weather will cooperate with your plans, Rainbohdi. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing wheenver possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Rainbohdi,

I love how your little Bodhi wanted to cross bridges. I see that as a metaphor of her bright spirit.

The service you have planned sounds so loving and beautiful. The edge of the special picnic area sounds perfect. If you feel you would want to share any pics of the day, I'd want to see them. Your reading will be special, and its Ok to take it slow and easy. Please be gentle with yourself as that is what your Bodhi would want.

With hugs and peace,
Juturna

it's coming up to six weeks and there are still people to tell ... telling people that your precious little bundle of black fluff was attaked and killed by another dog is so hard ... i feel so guilty for upsetting them.


thankyou so much for you kind and encouraging comments about the plan for bohdi's memorial. i needed to know if it was enough and your comments seem to indicate that it is.


i'm really don't know what to do with myself right now, so i decided to post another two pictures of my girl. she always looked scruffy even after a bath and brush, but it was part of her charm and strangely enough she always felt soooo soft. the second one is an odd one to love, but to me it shows my curious little investigator doing her very important work along the way of her morning walk.

Click to view attachment

Click to view attachment

i have to keep looking at photos of her whole and unharmed to counteract the horrific visions of her during and after the attack. so i needed some in here too.

i wish i could curl up and die, but i at least have to be around to make sure that dog is properly dealt so others aren't at risk of attack by it and also to see that the humans responsible for the dog are dealt with too.

i think this is getting harder, not easier like they say it's supposed to with time.

not sure if any of this makes sense, but i just needed some of the chaos in my head somewhere outside it.

Hi, Rainbohdi, when there are legal issues involved in a tragic event it does prolong the agony. I'm speaking from first hand experience from different circumstances, but I do understand how you're feeling when you say: "i think this is getting harder, not easier like they say it's supposed to with time." Your feelings truly do make very much sense to me, Rainbohdi, - - I truly wish you were not having to go through any of this.

Thank you for sharing your wonderful pictures of your precious Bohdi with us. What a cutie she is!! Oh - - how well I know the "explorer" picture!! My Oslo was an explorer too when we went for a walk on our property. Everything needed a good sniff, and when he got a scent he followed it for as far as I could go with him, and then I had to softly tell him we needed to head back - - so, he sniffed and explored all the way back home. I can just hear your precious Bohdi saying, "Hey, Oslo, over here - - check this out!!!" I know they are enjoying exploring all the wonders of heaven's perfect garden without any fear of getting lost or hurt for the angels are watching over them.

Rainbohdi, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers each and every day. I know this Sunday is going to be one of many mixed emotions for you. I hope you will feel your precious Bohdi's sweet Living Spirit with you at all times and in all circumstances, and especially on Sunday. I hope you will be able to get some peaceful rest tonight, Rainbohdi, and I will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Rainbohdi,

It is understandable that this painful loss could be getting harder for now. I am so much hoping that the beautiful memorial you are planning helps with some of the intense grief.

Thank you so much for posting the photos. She is sooooo adorable! Bodhi would be pleased that you are sharing her precious investigative skills with us. I know you must greatly miss touching her soft coat, just as I miss touching my cottony Victoria.

I will be thinking of you on Sunday and sending you healing thoughts and prayers.
With peace and hugs,
Juturna

oh dear, i was typing out replies to you both and something came into my head and now i'm really freaking out. i don't really understand the whole thing about what happens to our babies when they go or where they go. but what if the dog that killed bohdi ends up there, i don't want my baby to ever have to see that dog again or to feel that terror and pain or even to have to remember it. do dogs that have done really bad things end up somewhere different? it's probably not the dog's fault, but still it ripped my baby apart without hesitation so how is my girl going to be safe up there if this dog is forgiven and sent up there. i don't hate the dog, i think it was either treated badly or taught to be violent or that it had some sort of untreated condition. i think it was up to the humans that knew the dog to enusre it was keep in a properly enclosed environment, not somewhere with virtually no fence. oh god though, i can't bear the thought of bohdi having to see that dog even it has had the violent part of it cleansed or something. i want her to be somewhere safe and happy and free from that horror of her passing. she was one tough little cookie, but even the toughest cookie would be afraid of the thing that took their life. maybe i don't understand right how the whole thing works on the other side, but right now i'm so confused and scared. i'l come back later and write the replies i was doing before, so sorry.

Hi Rainbohdi,

There are many different beliefs about where our babies go after they physically leave us. I personally think that something as wonderful and pure, as a precious animals soul, can only go to a very special place. A place where they are safe, and happy, and free. A place where the cruelties of this earthly world cannot touch them. A place where they know no fear or pain --- only happiness, and joy, and love. The dog that attacked your baby will have a place of his own --- but it will not be with your darling Bohdi; so please do not worry.

When I think of my Daisy, I like to think of her in a place full of rainbows and sunshine. I picture her happy and healthy, running free. I believe our babies can visit us anytime they wish -- in the form of love and energy (which knows no boundaries). So when we get a certain "feeling", or a certain memory pops into our head, or a certain warmth consumes our heart -- that's when they've taken time out from "play-time" and have come to say hello. They will always be with us, as we will always be with them -- as they take a part of us with them to their special place.

I hope this has put some comforting images into your mind. All I know is, a soul as gentle and beautiful as your precious Bohdi, will surely be in the company of, and protected by, angels.

Sending you hugs -- Cheryl

Dear Rainbohdi,

I feel how afraid you are for your precious Bohdi. My belief is that your little Bohdi is being watched over in her new life by her higher power and angels. I believe she is in a place now of great joy and peace, along with my beautiful Victoria, where they can run free and their spirits can dance. This place that I envision is filled with light and our little ones are healthy and happy there. In terms of the dog that killed precious Bohdi, I believe eventually his soul will be annihilated.

Also, there is something else that I wanted to mention. When a being is subjected to an horrific attack oftentimes they do not remember it. This was certainly true with the Central Park jogger who years ago was raped, beaten, and left for dead. She had no recollection of the attack when she awoke from a coma. I believe your precious little Bohdi was protected in the same way.

Hope this is helpful. I'm sending you warm hugs, and wishing you a peaceful evening. I trust that Sunday will be loving and serene.

With healing thoughts and prayers,
Juturna

Hi, Rainbohdi, just want to add my reassurance to Cheryl's and Juturna's wonderful responses. Please do not fear about your precious Bohdi's safety. There is very little I can add to Cheryl's and Juturna's wonderful responses for they eloquently express what is in my heart as well. So read them often, Rainbohdi, and take comfort in them.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Rainbohdi, and will look forward to knownig how you're doing and how Sunday's memorial service goes whenever possible. And please let your heart and mind be at peace, for your precious Bohdi is with the angels in heaven's perfect garden.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

thankyou, thankyou, thankyou

you helped so much that i can't begin to even express

i will surely be reading these last few posts again many times

Hi Rain

I totally feel that Bohdi is completely safe and wagging her tail with no worries whatsoever. She's acting as your guide. Just like in the photo you posted of Bohdi investigating, she is forging a way through the dense foliage of life to create a clear path for you to ensure you can live your life on her behalf with as smooth as journey as possible.

Take care, have a lovely weekend, and I hope Bohdi's memorial service gives you comfort.

Peter

hi everyone

just popping in quickly to let you know the memorial was beautiful. i came home and fell asleep for 7 hours and think i am going to be able to sleep more soon too, which is really great because i've been surviving on so little sleep of late.

i couldn't have asked for anything to go better than it did and on top of all the stuff like the readings and balloon release, the people there just made it so much more precious by spending time after having coffee and cake and talking about bohdi and her antics. i managed to read the just a dog poem with only two little stumbles.

i have more to tell you, so i will come back later after some more sleep. i just couldn't wait to tell you that it was a very special day.

thankyou so much for your ongoing kindness and support
take gentle care

I'm so, so pleased that it went well. You've been in my thoughts. I hope it has managed to bring some peace into your heart; and I just know that your precious Bohdi was with you in spirit the whole time.

I hope you get some more restful sleep.

Take care,
Cheryl xx

Hi, Rainbohdi, thank you so o o much for sharing with us how the memorial service went. I am so o o glad things went so well, and will look forward to sharing more with you as you're up to writing. For now though let your mind be at peace and I hope your rest is peaceful. Pleasant dreams, dear Rainbohdi. Your precious Bohdi is always keeping a loving vigil over you, and please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, too.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Rainbohdi,

So glad to learn that the memorial service for your precious Bohdi went beautifully and you were able to get through your reading. And now sleep for you is possible. Your precious Bohdi's spirit was by your side with her angels on your shoulder.

With peace, prayers, and hugs,
Juturna

I also wanted to let you know how glad I am that the memorial service was what you had anticipated. Sounds like it was lovely. Hoping you will be able to sleep peacefully now. I think what you did was a wonderful tribute to you furchild.