Thank you both so much. I do feel your support and hugs. I think that the magnitude of all my losses both pet and people over the last year just came down on me today. I feel better but as you all know, it will be back. But thank you all. It's immensely helpful to know that some people really really do know exactly what I feel.
-Donna

Hi, Donna, it's late Sunday afternoon here and I'm just checking in to say "hi" to let you know you and your husband are in my thoughys and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Donna--

It's mid-Sunday afternoon here, and I'm just checking in too. I am hoping that you are having a better day today. I know--there are days of strangling and days of breathing freely, and you never know ahead of time which kind of day it's going to be!

Sending you lots of love--

Margi and Spiritwolf

Hey Moonbeam and Margi. I'm ok. Just been spending time with the husband. It's been very quiet as you might imagine. I hope you both have a good day tomorrow.

And to my boys:

Dear Frasier, my little bean bean. BEANPOLE BENAPOULOS!! I'm clapping my hands as you bounce down the hallway. I hope you're being a good boy now that Buck is with you. You haven't visited since Niles came to you except what I see of you in little Daphne. She loves to be chased just like you. And she's very jealous, just like you. You little worm! I miss you so much. You were the only one I got to grieve separately. And now I grieve for you with the others. I'll never stop. My love, sleeping will never be the same. I miss you snuggling up against me. The rest and peace I knew with you nestled in my side is one of God's greatest gifts to me. I cherish every minute of your life with us. You stole my heart so many years ago. And you never gave it back. I love you, little man. I love you.

Dear Niles, Mommy's special friend. My precious little king. I've not written to you, really. My very first baby, you were. I'm still blocking out so much of your death. Other than the white feather on your grave, you've given me no signs. I wish you would visit and let me know you're ok. Please know that the "lack" of grieving for you isn't a lack at all. I'm avoiding it still. You deserved a better passing than you got. It wasn't my choosing. A light went out inside me that morning. I've turned away from the scar it left on me. I can't look at it yet. I've also not written because our communication went much deeper. I don't know how to communicate with you now. I can still picture the little mouth quiver you'd give me every single morning when I'd come back to the bedroom before leaving. I'd stand in the doorway and point to you and pat my heart. And then you'd just barely open your mouth and your whiskers would quiver. I miss that so much. The only comfort in your death was that Frasier needed you. And maybe I'm kidding myself into believing all that. Maybe none of it's true. Maybe each one of you has just returned to the earth. I don't know but I'll take comfort wherever I can get it. And I choose to believe that Frasier needed you. You were such a fighter. And it was because of that, that I let your battle go on for so long. You'd come back from certain death before, how could I not give you the chance again? Please forgive me. I tried to help you. It didn't go at all the way I wanted. Please forgive me, Niles. I love you, little man. I love you.

Dear Buck, BD. THE BOO! There just aren't words, big guy. It's still too soon. I look around and all over the house are your things. Everything is still in it's place except for your blanket from the living room since we buried it with you. All of your toys are here just as you left them except for the soccer ball you have with you. Daddy says we'll leave your table and bowls as you left them forever. He doesn't want them moved. It's painful to look at your little table. It's painful to look at everything. I can't breathe without thinking of you. As with Frasier and then Niles, I wasn't done being your mommy. I wasn't done taking care of you. I had more work in me to do for you. As I'm sure you knew it would be this way, the neighborhood is missing you. You had quite a fan club. You were the first dog in the neighborhood. We're about to enter a new week without you. You're still a part of the week we're in. I don't want to move forward. I miss spooning you. I miss giving you massages. I miss hearing you eating in the kitchen. I miss you interrupting daddy and me while we're trying to talk. I missed you desperately yesterday morning when we went for breakfast. I haven't finished a meal since you left. The list goes on and on, Boo. Just writing this is giving me that suffocating feeling again. Thank you for the white feather. You've each given me one. But I want more. I want to know you're still here. Please, BD. I miss you and your brothers desperately and completely. I love you, big man. I love you.
-Mommy

Heaven to me:
Click to view attachment

Ditto to everything you just said. I couldn't have expressed it any better. Like you said, you are almost starting your second week without Buck (I'm starting my second month without Kota), and you don't want to leave that week behind. I know that the longer time goes on, the farther we get away from when they were with us, and then they really become a memory. And it hurts to think of them as just a memory, when the real thing is the only comfort there is. You've suffered so many losses...thank god that you and your husband have each other to share in the pain and grief.

As I've stated before, from the end of The Lord of the Rings, when Frodo says, "Some wounds go to deep...some hurts never heal." In your last posting to your "kids", you expressed what you, I and many others here feel and think. I wish everyone on this site, could go back in time, bring their lost loved ones, and all of us meet and see each others pets as they were in their prime. But alas, these kind of wishes don't come true. All we can do is listen to each other express their grief, loss, pain, and hopes. And in that, we don't have to be totally alone. Thanks for what you wrote, it expressed the words that were stuck in my throat and heart.

Dennis

oh Donna, what a great pic! Thinking of you. Hugs.

Sonya

That is a lovely picture of Buck, Frasier and Niles, they all look so happy and relaxed. It's amazing how dogs and cats can live harmoniously together like they do. I have three dogs and two cats and they all lay around together. I am so sorry for the grief you are going through, I just wish I could do more to help you, but I know this journey and I know there is no quick fix to how you are feeling, so I just want you to know I am thinking of you and sending my support and prayers to you and your husband. xx

madi xx

Hi Donna,

I love the pictures you have posted. I was not able to get on the forum this weekend. We were working on a garage and Saturday evening I had to take one of my foster babies to the ER clinic - she is not thriving at all. I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I can only imagine how hard it has been on you. I am so sorry you have suffered so many losses in such a short period of time. Remember you are not alone, we all know how you feel. As you know all too well, it is a very difficult journey we are on. I am still having a difficult time accepting Shelby is gone. Sometimes I just do not think it is real.

Karen

Hi, Donna, Thank you so much for sharing that wonderful picture of your babies with us. They truly look like they are the "men of the manor."

Your letter to Frasier, Niles, and Buck brings a lump to my throat for what you express from your heart is true love from a mother's heart. It is important to take comfort in your heart in what is best for you.

Donna, you did the very best you could for your precious babies, and I know Frazier, Niles, and Buck are smiling and remembering the good life they shared with you and your husband during their journey with you and your husband on this side of eternity. I can just envision what a joyful reunion they are planning for you and your husband when it is your appropriate times to join them in eternal joy.

But for now it is painful to make it through the adjustment of not having their precious lives here with you. Donna, you and your husband are frequently in my thoughts and prayers each day, and I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you again everyone for checking in on me. Moonbeam, thank you so much for your eloquent reply. You described the way I feel exactly correct.
We're doing o.k. It's just hard, you know? All in all, I guess we're doing well. I'm working all week so I've got something to focus on, at least. We've received so many sympathy cards from co-workers and neighbors. Buck had quite a following. I called the vet's office today to find out how bad the damage was on our bill so I could prepare myself as they said they'd send me a statement. And although I still owe for the bloodwork and fluids, the vet waived the euthanasia and house call fees. He said it was on him because we'd had enough. He's a class act. Especially knowing that he cut short a dinner date with his daughter to come to our house that night. I'm so grateful we have him.
Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know that we're muttling through. It comes and goes, as you all know.
-Donna

Donna, I am so glad your vet has a compassionate heart and is waiving some of the expenses. And I'm so glad that you are getting support from Buck's "fan club." This must surely be a source of comfort to you and your husband.

I know what you mean about the muttling through. Still for me the only things that make any sense to me are my Noah, my home, and each of the wonderful friends on this forum.

Donna, thank you for sharing how things are going. You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers frequently throughout each day, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Donna and husband,

I think that it's very cool that the vet was so attached to Buck that he waived the fees. It's could you have a job, and a place to go to get away from the house each day. And also that your co-workers are sympathetic to your losses. I imagine the week-ends are fairly lonely at your house. For me, living alone, the late nights are the worst. I really hope your three amigos are together, looking down on you, barking that they are OK. You've been thru so much. Just wanted to know I'm thinking of all of you.

Dennis

Hi Donna,

What a great picture! I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you during such a difficult time.

Rhapsedy

Dear ((((((Donna))))))

I am so very sorry to hear about your precious Buck . The photos you posted are so beautiful! So handsome.
The picture of your Buck, Frasier & Niles is absolutely priceless! Heaven, for sure .

You always took such wonderful care of Buck -- I know that he will ALWAYS live on, right inside your heart!

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband.

God Bless.

Denise

Hi, Donna, just checking in with you to let you know you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you so much, everyone. Thank you Moonbeam for checking in on me. I've been off the computer all day because our air conditioner is broken and with the temp outside at 95 degrees, I didn't want to turn on anything today! It's been miserable. Hopefully it will be fixed tomorrow - hopefully!
We are doing o.k. I had a minor breakdown the other night when I was suddenly hit with the feeling that I really wish these girl kitties weren't here. I know they can't help it but I just sometimes feel like I need true alone time now that my babies are gone. As weird as it sounds, I feel like I need to feel the complete fullness of my loss. Before I fell asleep that night, though, I prayed that the boys would visit me. The next morning, Daphne (who I'm almost convinced is perhaps possessed, in a good way) did some things that were out of the norm for her but distinctly normal for each of the boys. It was strange. She had never done these things before but it was things that were part of Niles' and Frasier's morning routines. And then she went and laid down in a spot that Buck used to lay that is just not a place a cat would go. I don't know, who knows? But at any rate, I felt like my prayer had been answered and I guess that's all that matters.
I hope everyone is doing o.k. I hate this road we're all on. I really believe that the pain we feel is directly proportionate to the joy our pets gave us. And if that's true, I'm in for a long haul as I'm sure everyone else is on this forum.
-Donna

Donna and husband (still don't know his name)

I just read the post you put on Margi's (Ladywolf) site, regarding having our dogs when they were young and healthy. You hit it exactly right on the spot when you said "it's not a dog void, it's a Buck void". I feel the same way about Kota. They weren't just dogs, they were a way of life. With them gone, for me, it's like someone cut out a piece of my heart, that I'll never get back again. Today I've just been holding Kota's picture against my heart, and crying. I wish I could get some sign, as you did when you said that one of them laid down in Buck's spot. And yeah, it's a very long road we are on. I wish there was somewhere along the road where we could sit and rest for a bit and ease our pain. You talked about all the joy we got from them...that's so true. Yet I feel my sadness and missing of her is geometrically worse than the joy I had. Hopefully this'll pass...not for a longtime though. Yep, it was a life with Buck, not just a dog.

Dennis

Hi, Donna, I hope by now your AC is fixed, or is at least in the process of being fixed. I grew up in a time when AC was not part of the daily life. We kept cool with fans and shade, and I seemed to be able to endure the summer heat much easier. In my teen years AC was beginning to come into office buildings and shopping establishments. In my younger adult years AC was incorporated into housing, but I still preferred open windows for fresh air. Now in my older years during the heat and humidity AC is a comfort, although I still try to use it as sparingly as possible. With the more extreme climate changes AC is now more of a necessity for survival.

I also agree with you that we have our beloved companions for their individual selves, not for the life form they happen to be. Unfortunately we live in a world that considers anyone "non-human" as a possession to "have" instead of as a precious individual life to share. About a month ago my sister in law called to ask me if I wanted a kitten to replace Abbygayle. It was all I could do to keep from hanging up on her but instead I managed a courteous response that neither Noah nor I are ready to embrace a new little life in our household yet. So I do so much understand about your home being Buck, Niles, and Frasier-void. They are not "replaceable" under any circumstances.

I also understand how it must feel to you that Daphne and Sera are "intruders" at a time when you feel the need to be emotionally detached. But it sounds to me like Daphne is truly sensitive to your needs, and I believe also to the "spirit aura" of your boys, and she is trying to be a source of comfort to you - - trying to be a bridge to you and your boys' sweet Living Spirits. I truly do not believe that physical death is the end to life, but rather a new beginning - - a transformation into a life form that no longer is confined to a physical body and is free of the boundaries of time and space as we know and experience it in this "physical" life. And I believe that God comforts us in our grief in the way that He knows our hearts and souls and spirits need it. I hope and pray that Daphne can be a source of comfort to you and your husband.

Donna, this grief journey is a long one for sure. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us, Donna, as in sharing your heart and thoughts is a source of comfort, encouragement, and inspiration to us who walk the journey with you. Please know you and your husband are frequently in my thoughts and prayers, and I will look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi, Donna, just checking in with you to let you know you and your husband are close in my thoughts and prayers. I hope life is treating you kindly, and that your AC is still working okay. I hope you and your husband will have a peaceful weekend. I am looking forward to being home with my Noah all weekend. I will look forward to hearing from whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Donna--

Me too, just checking is to say hi and hope that you are staying cool. It's hot as Hades in Arizona right now too, though finally the clouds are building up that are the precursor to our monsoonal summer rains...

I'm still so sorry about your loss of Buck. He and Ladywolf left in the same week, and I like to think of them as good friends by now. He was obviously a very special dog.

Big hugs from Margi and Spiritwolf

Thinking of you Donna and your precious Buck, hoping you and hubby are doing well.

Hugs,
Sonya

Thank you everyone for checking in on me. I'm ok. Things have been busy around the house again. As if I need more changes, we are needing to get rid of a vehicle & have purchased a more fuel-efficient one. Since my husband, David (that's for you Dennis), is commuting further now, the truck he has just doesn't make sense. The bad part is, we are contemplating selling my vehicle. I know that doesn't sound like much but this was my dream and I got it 3 years ago and haven't really had a chance to enjoy it yet. We've had one trauma after another so there's been no "normal" life yet. To let it go feels like a small death to me. I don't have to do it but it makes the most financial sense and I'm trying to think practically. When I told my best friend, she gasped and said, "what! all the loss you've had! and now this!!" And I feel the same way but I know I have to think logically. I can't live in my pity party forever.
Anyway, I'm still feeling very low, of course. Like you all, I'm missing my boys terribly. The only good thing is that I've dreamed about them each night for the last week. Not necessarily good dreams but not bad either. It feels good to see them.
Dennis, I know you've talked alot about how hard the nights are for you. I hope they're getting better. For me right now, it's the early evenings. I seem to break down each day around 7:00. I think it's because that was Buck's time with us. The loss of that boy has left a hole too huge to even describe. But I know you all know.
I hope everyone will feel good tomorrow.
-Donna

Dear Donna

Thanks for letting us know how you are. I'm so sorry that you have had to go through so much and I think of you and your 'angels' often.
My Husband is also, David. He just had to change his pride and joy, our Jag which we had from new, for a Land Rover in order to accommodate our Pixie, who is still growing....... hopefully not much more. We too felt a wrench, I even shed a tear, what a sentimental being I am. It made me feel a little relieved when I read that you too feel sadness about parting with inanimate objects such as Cars. But I am sorry that you have to go through this too, at this time, when you are hurting so badly.
It's great that your boys are visiting you in your dreams. I have the same, sometimes not all good dreams but I usually feel a sense of comfort from the fact that they did manage to 'visit' in my dreams. The dreams are mostly 'happy' ones now, probably because I am moving on at last and the 'hurt' is gradually passing to make way for the realisation that Noushka is with my Angels now and together they will always be with me in my heart and soul.
Take care, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs
Jan and my Angels and Pixie x

Hi, Donna, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your husband are doing. Like you I also feel a lump in my throat and a quivver of my chin when it's time to part with my car - - my trusty chariot that has taken me and my fur kids safely in our travels. I have always taken a picture or two of every car I have owned just for sentimental reasons and put them with the purchase papers.

The evenings are still a challenge around here, too. The evenings were our special time - - getting everyone their dinners and then snuggling down together after all the chores were done. It was so interesting - - my kitty kids wouldn't eat until Oslo got his dinner, and Oslo wouldn't eat until the kitty kids had their food. Noah still hesitates to eat - - he still looks around as if he's still making sure that everyone has their food before he digs in. What a precious little soul he is. Perhaps he feels them gathering together to keep him company while he has his dinner and he's welcoming their sweet Living Spirits to join him.

I hope things are going okay for David with his new job, and I hope you're able to get a good price for your car.

Donna, please know you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers. This grief journey is a long one for sure, but I assure you it is nowhere close to being a "pity party" - - it's real and you need to give yourself the time you need to travel through it as you need to grieve, Donna. I will look forward to hearing from you and to knowing how things are going for you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Oh boys, today is a hard one. I feel so sad and have to keep forging on at work. I love you guys.
-mommy

Hi, Donna, I know how you're feeling. Today is 7 months now to the date that Oslo joined the angels. I feel the hole that is in your heart, Donna, and am lifting you up in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Donna, I'm so sorry you had a bad day yesterday, I hope today is better for you. I too have been not feeling great lately, don't know why, but I'm forging through.

Hugs,
Sonya

Moonbeam and Sonya, I'm sorry y'all are having a hard time too. I don't know what is going on this week but I feel like a ton of bricks is on my chest. The sadness is just so heavy. When I say that Buck was a part of everything, it doesn't quite describe what I really mean. He was just literally and figuratively a part of everything about my husband and me. I miss his presence near me. I miss hearing him pant. With David's new job, we find we have so much more free time than we did before. It makes me so sad to think that all Buck ever wanted was to be with us and we always felt so guilty leaving him all day. And now we have this extra time and he didn't get to experience any of it. And we have nothing to do. Nothing to do but miss him and his brothers. Next week my husband will get home nearly 3 hours earlier each day than he used to. All that time that could've been Buck's. I feel so heavy and bad about that.
Well, I've got litterboxes to clean (yippee). And I can't go to bed until that's done. Daphne and Sera still hate each other. There's been no improvement at all. Sera barely comes out of the bedroom. If I was certain that she is happy, it wouldn't bother me. But I don't know. She has so many issues. Daphne is inching closer and closer to sleeping next to me. It's really kind of funny watching her change. She's a funny one! She has Niles' soulful glare and Frasier's funny bone. She's a good mix, I guess. The only sad thing about her is that when one of us goes outside or leaves, she goes to the door and howls for a long time. It's the saddest sound and very disturbing. It's the same sound she did during the night the first few weeks she was here and we knew she was missing someone specific. She gets her feelings hurt very easily.
I hope tomorrow and next week are better for all of us. Goodnight.
-Donna

Hi Donna--

Just checking in to say hi. Sorry you've been having such a hard time lately. And sorry that having all the new free time is making you sad. The ONLY good thing about my unemployment this summer was that I was able to be with Lady pretty much 24/7 before she died. Now I have nothing but time on my hands, and no one to take care of. (I do a rotten job of taking care of ME!)

Sorry too that you may have to sell your car. That IS another loss, and it can be very painful. I once had to sell my almost brand-new SAAB convertible in order to make mortgage payments, and I sobbed as if I had lost another family member...

Your photo of Buck, Niles, and Frasier is really a treasure. Everyone looks so happy and relaxed!

Well, as I said, I just wanted to check in. Sorry that your kitties still hate each other--hopefully, time will ease that problem. Daphne sounds like a real character!

Big Hugs from Margi and Spiritwolf

Can I just say that no matter how much you think you're prepared for what it will be like, you're never prepared? I feel like I'm stuck in a waterfall and memories and routines keep washing over me. I can't break the routines. I can't stop thinking he's still here. We haven't moved any of his things. We just can't.
It's quiet at work right now and I just want to be anywhere but here. I just want to be sitting in my backyard talking to my boys. It's the saddest and most peaceful place.
I'm not trying to get replies to this, I'm just writing my thoughts, I guess. Like the other days this week, I feel the lump in my throat all day. I'm functioning fine and no one would even know what's going on. But I just want to sit and stare. Today is especially hard because we always gave Buck his heartworm prevention on the first of the month so I keep thinking, "oh yeah, we have to do that today." Then, no.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned this yet but I wrote a thank you note to the people we got Buck from the day after he died. They are both patients at the office where I work so I've seen them since and talked to them. But when the lady came, she brought us a picture frame with the words, "Pick of the litter" on it. That's really sweet because I'm sure she felt her boy was the pick of the litter. But, of course you all know, Buck was the best one in his litter!

To my boys, the ache is massive today. I can't wait to get home to you. I love you so much!
-Donna

Hi, Donna, I'm so sorry you are having a challenging week, in addition to all the other challenging days you've had to get through. I do so know what you mean about your home being the saddest and most peaceful place to be. It's where my heart longs to be whenever I leave for work or do errands.

Of course Buck is the best boy of all his siblings - - how could he NOT be?!!??!! I do understand what you mean about having extra time and the ones you would so enjoy sharing it with are no longer physically with you. It's one of the many hardest adjustments in this grief journey. I haven't put all of Oslo's things away either - - just can't bear to put his toys away, and I still have his raised feeding station in plain sight. It's comforting for me to have them out and about - - it's like his sweet precious Spirit knows he's still very much a part of his earthly home. I like that feeling.

As others have mentioned I wish to add that I, too, am sad that Daphne and Sera are still not friends. By the way, has Sera grown her fur back yet? Does she enjoy being brushed now? It does sound like Daphne is trying to work her way into your heart, Donna. I do understand how difficult it is giving your home, and heart, to someone else when it is not ready to do so. You are to be commended for giving these two homeless waifs a safe home. Sometimes love is more than what you can feel in your heart alone, Donna. Compassion for a living creature in need is also the action of love - - a genuine universal love that you have for all creatures. And Daphne and Sera know that you care about their well-being, Donna.

Donna, I hope you and your husband will have a peaceful evening. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Donna, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you ever so much, Moonbeam. You always know just what to say to not only comfort but to explain how I feel better than I do.
I hope everyone is having a better week emotionally than I am. Although, from reading the other posts, I don't think they are. I just feel rotten. I'm at that place where you truely feel you'll never get better and that if you laid down you could literally die. I know I'll survive and I know I'll get better but that's where I am this week.
Thank you so much. What would I do without this place to express my feelings? Explode, I suppose!

-Donna

Dear boys, Mommy's having a hard time. You guys were all of the right in the world. There's none left. It feels that way anyway. I can't describe the depth of my longing for you. Each evening I can't control my tears. It just hurts to even breathe.
-Mommy

I'm not having a much better week than you are, Donna. I'm deeply depressed again, particularly today, which marks the one-month anniversary of Ladywolf's death. I'm hiding out at home, in the tiny home that I can no longer afford, trying to maintain some shred of sanity. I feel really rotten too, but it has as much to do with a lack of money as it does to do with Lady, unfortunately.

But I feel like you do--I don't know what I'd do without this marvelous Forum. This is the only place that I can let people know how truly rotten I feel without fear of reprisal or judgement. I have good friends who understand to a degree, but not to the degree that people here do.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, Donna, but it seems, somehow, like it's right "on schedule," judging from the postings of others.

Keep the faith!

Hugs from Margi and Spiritwolf

Donna,

You put it simply and to the point, "It feels like we can never get better and could lay down and die." Some nights I go to bed and say that it's OK if I don't wake up anymore, just don't make me suffer anymore. What would Buck tell us right now? What would any of our lost loved ones say to us or tell us to do? Probably nothing...they would just accept us and want to be with us as much as we with them. It's just hard. Just wanted to say hello, thinking of you.

Dennis

Hi, Donna, just checking in with you to see how you're doing today. It takes a very long time for life to be "right" again when the source of our joy for life has been physically removed from us. And our lives are never "right" the same way - - the way we desperately want them to be right - - ever again There are so many things that I wish with all my heart that could be different - - for the better.

Donna, with everything that you have gone through wtih Frasier you did not really have a chance to grieve for him and find a peace in your heart before you had to face the reality of losing Niles, and then Buck. So now you're grieving all of them at once, and I know you are feeling like you are in a dark abyss of grief and loss. I share the pain that is in your heart, Donna - - I sincerely do, and I wish with all my heart that I could take it away from you.

I wish there were some words I could say that could help comfort you, Donna, and bring some peace to you. I wish your heart wasn't so filled with despair, for this deepens the grief you are feeling.

The only thing I can offer you, Donna, is my friendship and reassurance that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray with all my heart that you and your husband will have a paceful evening tonight, Donna, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever you feel up to posting. And I hope with all my heart that somehow you can feel each of us reaching out to you across the miles holding onto you. Hold onto us, Donna, so that we may be your strength. We are here, Donna, for as long and as often as you need us.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moonbeam, thank you for your friendship and as always for your right-on-the-button words.

Dear Buck, I hope you enjoyed the fireworks Daddy lit for you last night. I could almost hear you barking at them. Every year we enjoyed setting them off for you. Although I always worried you'd bite one! I miss kissing your face. I can't even begin to find words to describe the loss.

Love, Mommy

Donna and Dave,

You said it all, "I miss kissing your face." That tugs on my heart strings. What amazing creatures that we could feel so connected by just nuzzling them nose to nose.

Dennis

Hi Donna
I'm sorry that I haven't posted in your thread before today -- I see that tomorrow it will be one month since you've lost your beloved Buck -- that's still a hard place to be in at that point in time -- everything is so raw and new and painful. Tomorrow it will be 7 months since Sammy's gone. I'm going through the closet tonight to clean out clothes that I'm not wearing anymore and I"ve just come across some t-shirts that I wore when I walked Sammy -- quite often we drove to a walking trail about 6 miles from home -- it followed the Missouri River and it truly was Sam's favorite place to walk. I'd hold her on my lap on the way there and back so all my t-shirts had tiny holes in them from her nails breaking through the shirt. Even after 7 months this almost brings me to my knees Donna -- it just plain old hurts. What I wouldn't give to hold that little bundle of fur in my lap again - to see new holes punched into a shirt! I wish you peace and a sense of knowing that your beloved Buck knows how much you love him still.

Take care
Sharon

Hi, Donna, just checking in with you to see how you are doing - - to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Life here is hot and dry in the Virginia Blue Ridge / Piedmont Mountains. There is a region wide burn ban except in the national park camping areas that are patrolled by park rangers. With the exception of a couple of days I haven't been able to have the big door open for Noah because of the need to run the upstairs AC unit, which helps to keep the basement cool. This evening however I may need to turn the basement AC on just to freshen the air a bit and get rid of some of the humidity.

Noah is doing well, basically. He's been having some tummy upsets but I think that has been due to furballs. Since Abbygayle joined the angels I haven't been giving him the kitty laxative for furballs as frequently - - because he always would groom her long plush fur. But I think he still needs an occasional dose to compensate for his own grooming. Those furballs can be very treacherous on the tummy and overall emissions system. He goes in for his teeth cleaning on the 22nd, and I must confess I am a bit anxious about that. I will be so glad when it's done and he's back home safe and sound.

Donna, your posts always touch my heart, my friend, and I know your responses are a comfort to the other Forum participants. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Donna, and will look forward to hearing from you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Sharon, thank you for your response. Your photo is so beautiful. Because I know the memories it represents, it's hard to look at it.
Moonbeam, thank you for your update and for checking in on me. I'm anxious for Noah too about his teeth cleaning. I so hope it goes well. Sera needs it too but we're trying to recover a little financially before we take her back in.
I haven't been reading anyone's threads lately and only come to lurk a little. While on the outside everything looks fine, I'm really hurting on the inside. I'm missing my boys so much. I haven't been writing because I just don't have words to describe what's in my heart right now. It's just too deep.
I want to read what others have written in hopes to respond to them and offer some comfort. But, everytime I try, I just don't have anything to say that would sound comforting. Not a good place to be.
We went to pay our vet bill yesterday and return a few things. As we got closer to the office, I knew I wouldn't be able to go in so I asked David to do it. Thankfully, he did. I sat in the parking lot and found I couldn't even look at the building. It represents so many memories for me. I know I've mentioned that I used to work there. Well, I didn't just work there. I helped to start the practice and it was my baby for a long time. As the office manager, I gave it everything I had until I didn't have anything left to give and had to move on. But I got all of my babies there while I was working there. When I left the practice, I felt a dream die. It was very difficult for me. Losing the boys not only closes that chapter of my life, but closes the book as well. Needing to distance myself from the office for my emotions' sake is one of the reasons I didn't want more pets.
So, anyway, I'm in a difficult place. So forgive me for not writing as much but I'm thinking of everyone on here many times during the day.
-Donna

Hi Donna,

Sorry to hear you're not doing so well at the moment. It's completely understandable why you couldn't go into the vets office. Don't worry about not feeling able to post much - we all understand. Just take care of yourself and take each day as it comes.

Thinking of you and sending you hugs. Cheryl xx

Awww, Donna, what a heavy thing to have to go through. I really feel for you. As you said, it's not only a chapter that closed but a whole book, and that is incredibly difficult and painful. I'm so sorry that you're having such a rough time. You DID give your all, and you should feel proud of that...

We understand when it's just too painful to come here, we really do. So we appreciate hearing from you when you can, and won't expect anything when you can't. I'm sorry that your heart is so heavy these days.

Big big hugs from Margi, Spiritwolf, and Leopold the Terrible

Hi, Donna, thank you so much for letting us know how things are going for you. I can so understand how difficult going back to the vet's office was for you, and how totally empty and devastated you're feeling. It certainly does feel like the life you have known has died. Change of any kind, and particularly the drastic changes you have experienced, is a type of "death" or "loss." It takes time to "re-define" ourselves - - to figure out "where do I go from here" and to feel comfortable in the process of establishing the "new" life, routines, etc..

Donna, as Cheryl and Margi have already said, I, too, add my sincerest encouragement for you to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you - - that you are NOT forgotten - - that you are NOT "falling through the cracks." We are here for you whenever you're up to sharing with us whatever is in your heart and on your mind.

Please take care, Donna, and please know you are frequently in my thoughts and prayers every day.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Donna,

I too have been doing some "lurking". I was really impressed that you were a founding father/mother of the vet office. Think how many lives, animals, hearts and souls you have touched and made a difference in their lives due to your foresight and motivation. Like the movie, Pay It Forward, what you started spreads out geometrically. You are one of the very special people here, among the special people here, expressing your sincerity, pain, sorrow and coping skills. Going thru Buck's old age and last days was a saga that we all went thru with you. It's always been evident your love for Buck. Please take care.

Dennis

Cheryl, Margi, Dennis, and Moonbeam, your words have touched me beyond my ability to respond sufficiently. The support I've gotten here has been unbelievable! Thank you all so much as we all hold hands through this hard journey. The good thing about this forum is that when one is down, others are in a "up" place to help. It's just incredible. You're all great friends. Thank you so much.
-Donna

Dear boys, this song says it all (although I changed a few words around to fit)

I sheltered you from harm
Kept you warm, Kept me warm
You gave my life to me
Set me free, Set me free
The finest years I ever knew,
We're all the years I had with you

And I would give everything I own,
I'd give my life, my heart, my home
I would give everything I own
Just to have you back again.

You taught me how to love,
What its all, what its all
You never said too much
But still you showed the way
And I knew from I'm watching you
Nobody else will ever know
The part of me that can't let go

I would give anything I own
I'd give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give everything I own
Just to have you back again

Is there someone you know
You're loving them so
But taking them all for-granted
You may lose them one day
Someone takes them away
And they don't hear the words you long to say

I would give anything I own,
I'd give up my life, my heart, my home,
I would give everthing I own
Just to have you back again
Just to touch you once again

Sweet dreams, baby boys.
-Mommy

Angel boys, thank you for the white feathers this morning. I hear you loud and clear. I love you each and every one. Kisses to you.
-Mommy

Hi, Donna, your letters to your boys always touch my heart. I can feel your love reaching out to them - - I hope you can feel their forever love reaching back to you.

I hope this weekend will be a peaceful one for you, my friend. Please know you are frequently in my thoughts and prayers every day, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi, Donna, just checking in with you to see how you're doing. I hope that life is treating you kindly these days, my friend. Please know you are frequently in my thoughts and prayers every day.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Moonbeam. Can't say that life is treating me kindly but it could be worse. I won't go into all the boring details but I appreciate you checking in on me. My computer is back but I've been trying not to get on it that much. I realized while it was gone that I'm it waaaay too much. Need to be more productive, I think. Just can't figure out what I should produce!
I'm sorry about Hank. But I'm glad that Noah is more peaceful now. That's all that matters. Take care of that little booger! And take care of yourself. I'm sure the whole experience was upsetting to you.
-Donna

Dear boys,
Frasier, it's been 11 months. Niles, it's been 4 months. Buck, it's been almost 2 months. When I first started reading this forum, someone said that our grief becomes a part of who we are. It is so true. It doesn't go away. Frasier, it moved in when you left and it decided to stay. I can never be who I was before. I had you before. Now I only have memories. I still can't believe that you're ALL gone. I need you guys to talk to.
Buck, all of your things are still here. Just like the grief, I think they will always be here. I just don't see us getting rid of anything. Boys, I just don't have words. I'm sorry. Sweet dreams, little men.
Mommy