I'm turning here hopefully for some support and a shoulder to cry on at this time of pain. I think everyone around me is tired of seeing me sulk and cry, but I don't know how to stop. The tears come and go, but the 'pain' in my chest stays. This is my story:

We got Omar as an 8 week pup from a friend of family. The mom was a husky/shep mix, and they think the father was a chow. This was in June 94. He was lucky we loved him so much, because as a pup, he tore EVERYTHING up..including digging two holes in my carpet down to the floor board. (how I would love for him to do this again). We had a 6 mos old baby at the time, and they were so cute together. He was a great dog that never had accidents in the house. He was a healthy dog and didn't cause any medical issues. Until the last 2 yrs or so. He first developed heart disease, but was never needing any meds because I was told his body was compensating for it very well. He developed liver issues shortly there after, but because of his heart issue, the vets didn't want to put him on meds...said it could cause more damage then good. He was seen regularly to make sure he was not getting progressively worse. He did well. Within the last 6 mos or so his weight seemed to go down...enough for me to really notice. But he was eating well...the vet said it's from him being a senior dog...to be expected. In Feb we were advised he had liver cancer...and they really didn't think he would make it much longer. I was advised to just keep loving him like we were. So we did..2x more. About 3 weeks ago he stopped really wanting to eat...and had a day of vomiting. (later I was told by my 11 yr old that he got in their bathroom trash that is hidden). I was worried because I really didn't know what was in the trash...is he sick from something he ate?? The vomiting stopped. I put him on a bland diet of chicken and brown rice. That was a Thursday. Sunday he was vomiting again. It also stopped that day. I called his vet Monday morning...and I was told to continue with his bland diet for 2 days. I did this, but then he wouldn't eat anything after that...and he started with runny stools. I called the vet again Friday morning and was told he would get him on an antibiotic and some meds for his liver...probably bial now in his blood stream...making him not want to eat. I started him on the meds Friday...a week ago...and his appetite seemed to get better, and by Sunday his stools got more normal. Monday night at about midnight, he woke himself, me and my 14 yr old up by making a grunting hacking sound and a gage. He did this off and on til 3:30AM. It seemed to really scare him, and I couldn't help him. I just laid next to him stroking his head. Fell asleep this way. I had to go to work the next morning...but called the vet first. I was advised it sounded like the cancer had spread to his lungs. It was okay for me to let him go. I about died. What? Let him go? I went to work...to get calls thru the day from my 11 yr old crying because he was scared Omar was choking. I called the vet and scheduled him to be euthenized at 6PM. But then I beat myself up all day thinking "what if he just had a cough?" "What if he just needed meds?" So I decided to call the vet and tell them I was bringing him in for an exam at 6 instead. My husband and I did this...and got some sad news. Xrays showed his liver was so large now it was pushing his stomach UP and that is probably why he didn't want to eat...his heart was so large that it was pushing up on his trachia...which was some of the hacking sound...and his lungs were now not clear...and showed signs of cancer. He really wasn't showing any 'illness' by looking at him. Wagged his tail at the techs that came and went...sniffed the room to check what was there...trying to find the treats he knew he got when he left. The vet offered to give him a diaretic that night to make him comfy at home with his breathing...and I could bring him back the next morning. Alone. So we took him home...where he still made his breathing sounds...needed to go out to go potty every hour through the night and drink a ton of water. I left with him the next morning...my kids said their good-byes, but I think they thought I was coming home with him again...he didn't seem "sick". When I got to the vet...the dr was very good to me...but put me on the spot. Left it up to me. Said either way would be "okay". He was not suffering...yet. But could I go through this again? He was having signs of heart failure. What if he did this at home with just my kids home? They would be frantic. But I couldn't bear the thought of making the decision on his life. I called my husband. He told me he was leaving it to me. He really felt Omar needed to go...before he was in pain. But he seemed happy still. It was breaking my heart. After a long 45 min, I decided to let him go...peacefully. They brought in a fuzzy blanket and he sad there on it...while a tech was next to him...and I was at his front...with his face in my hands...while kissing his nose. He eventually started to slowly lay down...and then the vet whispered he was gone. I opened my eyes...to see Omar looking at me peacefully. I stayed there with him for 30 min...crying my eyes out...not taking my eyes off his. Trying to find 'life' in him I guess. There was none. I just stroked his head...his paws...his ears. I'm dying while typing this. How does it get better? I am now angry with myself for making the choice too soon. Who gives me the right to take a life before it's time? I don't know if it would have been easier waiting until he showed signs of illness or not. I couldn't be with him all day like I would have wanted to be. I couldn't bear the thought of losing him while he's alone..but now I am so mad at myself. I'm mad at having to make that choice. Did I jump too soon? He was 14 and 4 mos. Had him longer then my youngest son. Any words of encouragement are welcomed. I feel so alone...but I know I'm not. It's hard to be home...because he was always under foot. Always begging for something. "Talking" to me every time I sat down, because he wanted attention. I miss it all. I was sitting outside last night...starring up at the sky...watching the clouds go by for about 20 min...then I whispered "If you are okay in Heaven Omar...pass a bird my way"..and immediately a bird flew over my path. None had the whole time I was out side. I then whispered "If you still love me Omar, pass a bird my way" Then 4 birds flew over me. It gave me chills...and I'm trying to believe he's truly okay with my decision..and is happy. I hope. His picture is attached from the other month. So sweet. Thanks for reading this if you got thru it. I know it's long. Sorry.

-Marcie

What a beautiful dog. Never doubt yourself. You gave him the a wonderful gift of letting him go in peace. Without strugle.

I know it seems so hard right now. (my loss is still fresh 2 months), but I still feel I can offer a little.
I still feel like peole get tired of me when I have my crying moments. It is ok through I can come here and vent, cry, or talk to my sissycat. Everyone here is willing to listen to anything. Even if it is just babbling. Most of us has been through some sort of loss. We love to read posts of your remembrance stories and look at pictures.

Please post often we are here.

Many hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!

sissycat
"kim"

Thank you 'sissycat'. I'm just at a loss still. The pain is so intense, but I have to be a strong mom to my kids...but it's so hard to hold the tears back. I can't eat...and want to sleep all day. I wish it didn't have to be my decision to take his life while he seemed so 'well'. I know the pain does subside...as I did this 14 yrs ago with my 13 yr old dog Rocky, but he was sick...and I felt it was 'ok'. Omar didn't seem sick...just pictures told me he was.

Hang in there Marcie, I went through something similar with my Candy. In my situation, Candy was barely able to stand by the time I had to make that decision and so far, I still have memories of her in that condition as opposed to her health go-lucky self. I think you made the right decision as awful as it was. I know the level agony you must have been through. Take it from me, memories of her waisting away is alot worse, so the fact that you had time to really think about this and had to make this decision on your own . . . I commend you. You are a wonderful mommy. I had to struggle through tears while reading your post. It brought back alot of memories.

Take care and I'm very sorry for your loss.

Candy's Dad

Hal

Thank you Hal. I followed your story too. Had a good cry. I wish loving something wasn't so painful. It's only been two days, but it feels like eternity he's been away. He relied on me so much...and I miss being there for him. My kids don't need me as much as he did...so I feel alone. The pain is so hard. I'm trying to not feel so much guilt..but it's hard. I'm a giving person..not a taker. And I feel like I took his life.

Omarmommy, I'm so sorry. I am right there with you. I just lost my 16 1/2 year old kitty girl on Sunday. It was a hard decision but in the end I'm sure I made the right decision. I don't have much I can say to comfort you, I'm also hurting terribly right now. But I want you to know how sorry I am and what a cutey your Omar was. Take care.

Thank you Starbellied1975. I'm very sorry for your loss too. We all feel so alone during this time, but as I can see here, we are not alone. It just hurts so very badly. I wish I was the same as you thinking I made the right decision. I'm not there yet. I feel terrible. I thought Omar was a cutie too. We were afraid he was going to be a big dog...but he only ended up being at the most 43lbs...26.6 at the end. We were blessed with him...and I know time will heal.

Omarmommy, please permit me to extend to you my sincerest sympathies in your loss of Omar. Having to decide to let go of a beloved furbaby is never easy. Euthanasia is comparable to deciding to stop life support for a loved human family member or friend. But, it is the last gift of love we can give to our furkds - - at great sacrifice to us - - so that they may go home to the angels with their dignity still intact. Omarmommy, you truly did the right thing for your furbaby. I know this grief journey feels like it will never end, but eventually when you least expect it you will find yourself thinking of Omar and you will find yourself smiling. That is absolutely beautiful about the birds, and yes, our furkids do have a way of communicating with us still because their sweet living Spirits are with us in our hearts and in our memories - - our relationship with them has simply transformed temporarily to a different dimension. Please know you are not alone, Omarmommy. We are here for you for as long as you need us.

Peace and blessings,

moon_beam

Thank you moon_beam. I do find comfort here at this site, because the rest of the humans around me don't seem to be grieving like me. I got a sympathy card today from the vet. And a bill. Nice. I know it can't be free...but man it hurts. I sit here at home now...keep looking down at my side to look for Omar. He would curl up on the floor next to me...or stand in the window like in the picture above...watching kids play outside...or bark at the occassional dog walker. I wish I recorded his bark. Sound corny? I really do wish. That reminds me...I have old baby videos with him in them...jumping on my sons back when he was learning to crawl. Oh how I would give anything to be back in those days. Is it normal to be fine one second...then bawl the next? I'm so up and down with emotions. It's harder I think when I'm home...because I just miss him so. I am looking forward to the day I can think about him and smile.

I know what you mean. Even though Candy was in discomfort, I still feel that I was the one that took her life because it was my decision even though she was obviously not doing well at all. I think the guilt for me is . . . . wishing I stayed with her more after her passing. I know of lot of folks stayed 30-60 minutes with their pet, but I stayed only 5-10. When her bladder was emptying that hurt alot to see her lifeless form like that. So I left with the image of her body on that table and going home feeling like I abandoned her in some way.

I know in time it suppose to get better, but for me right now, remembering her is still a bit painful.

You're right though . . . it's hard. So very difficult.

Hang in there kiddo.


Candy's Dad

Hal

Thanks Hal. Don't beat yourself up for not staying longer. I couldn't walk out. I was thinking he would empty his bladder there on the table like my last doggy, but Omar did not. Probably because he used the bush out front before we went in. I still see his face looking at me while on the table. I hate the guilt. I so want to know I did the RIGHT thing...but really it would have to come from Omar. I hear from everyone it was the right thing to do for him...but it felt so wrong. I regret it and wish I could have waited just a little longer. But really I have no idea how much longer he had. Driving home after I wanted to turn around and run back and tell them to bring him back!! I changed my mind! Is there something we can do now to bring him back?! Oh how this hurts.

I"m so sorry to hear about Omar. I saw his pictures and he has such a sweet face..it is easy to see why you would adore him.

When a loss like this occurs...everything you are thinking and everything you are doing is normal to think and do. It is what you need to do...so it is normal.

You made the right decision and in doing so, you spared him a lot of suffering and pain. You say you took his life...I say you gave him peace. I read about the diagnosis of liver cancer, possibly spread to the lungs, and creating problems by shifting his organs so maybe that's why he didn't want to eat.

I know you think of him wagging his tail and acting normal (when he wasn't coughing) but that's what they do...these babies...they are so full of love..they can't help but wag their tail and act normal in some ways.

You didn't let him go before his time. I know it is hard to make the decision by yourself..I have been there also. But I never could erase evidence, like x-rays, and many times that is what made the final decision. My boy, Little Guy, was an emergency..my first emergency to make the immediate decision. They did x-ray him to find out why he had trouble breathing and found his chest full of fluid and his lungs could not expand like they are supposed to when we breathe..the fluid trapped his lungs. It took that x-ray to let me know he was suffering and there was no cure. I have lost more than one baby, dogs and cats to cancer and that is a battle we don't win.
All we can do, since people have written how painful and awful it is when they are dying of cancer..even though our babies can't speak to us to tell us how they fell...they cannot feel better than a human who has cancer and the human suffers unspeakedly toward the end.

Animals are good at hiding illness and pain..to a certain extent. The vet and the xrays showed you..you made the right decision. If you were waiting for your baby to show more outside signs besides not eating...it would be because he couldn't hide it anymore. You would not have wanted that. So do not feel any guilt. And you didn't abandon him at the end because he wasn't in his body anymore. I have never had the emotions in check enough to be in the same room when my babies went to sleep but I never left the office until I was told they were at peace. I did not want to upset them since I was always hysterical at having to make the decision even when I knew it was the right one..and if they were upset by sensing me...they might fight the drug and suffer because of it. I can't have any of those pictures in my mind because it is hard to forget what we have seen and I can't do it.

You asked is it normal to be fine one second and bawl the next.....OH YES IT IS VERY NORMAL.
That goes on a long time. We need to cry, to vent, to get those feelings out in the open.

And your ideas and thoughts...nothing sounds "corny" when one is grieving.

I smiled at your story of the birds...what a beautiful encounter you had.

I would say you saved Omar from a lot of suffering and pain. Years ago I had a Shepherd who one day stopping eating. I took her to the vet. She had acted normal except she didn't want to eat..which was not like her. The x-rays I saw showed...tumors the size of grapefruits...one next to her heart, one in each lung, and one pressed against the inside of her throat. She showed no other signs when this happened. I don't know how quickly that cancer came but she was x-rayed less than 12 months earlier and had none of this. I didn't know I wasn't bringing her home because I would never have thought I would see x-rays like that.

They just can't have all that going on inside and not be suffering. Their love will not let you see it as long as they can help it..until they can't hide it anymore because it is overwhelming them.

You did the right thing. I always will hate that decision even though I know it is the right thing.
That does not make everything hurt any less at all. We can accept we saved them from being worse but we don't want them to be sick at all in the first place.

Keep posting...telling us your thoughts and feelings...it helps. We are always here listening.

Hugs to you and your family...and to your new Angel.....Omar. His love is part of your heart now and he can never leave you..he is always there too...listening.

Thank you LoveThem. I'm getting more at peace that I did the right thing. It still just hurts so bad. The house is so lonely. I'm used to him following me everywhere I go...or barking at me for attention when I'm on the computer...or putting his paw up on my leg nudging me to pet his head. Oh how I miss that. I'm afraid the people around me aren't understanding my grief. My husband is handling it okay, but when I'm breaking down...he walks away. He feels guilty because he wasn't there with me...and left it to me to do what needed to be done. Not sure if he didn't think I would be strong enough to do it. Who knows. He keeps Omar's chain collar in his pocket...which I think is cute. He says he likes the noise. Here's another picture of Omar...doing what he loved best. Sitting at the window...watching the world. He didn't have a lot of 'favorites' other then snacks and me. He had toys...but was never a good fetcher. He loved getting a burst of energy and running around in circles in the house...just to stop...put his butt in the air and bark at you...then take off again. He did this almost to the end. I was afraid to walk him when his heart was getting bad, for fear he would over do it. So he spent the last part of his life...laying low...but he seemed to love it anyways. He was also a protector of the kids. When ever we would be wrestling them...or even just tickling them...he would get so upset and bark and try to bite our hands...not hard of course. He loved us. This picture was just taken April 25th.

Please allow me to say also that I am so sorry for your loss, God, he looks soooo beautiful in the pics, oh! Omar is an Angel just looking at him brought me some good memories of my Beloved Son Buster. I also had to make that decision and also like Candy's Dad feel that I am resposible for Buster's death some how becouse of me he is not in this world anymore and it hurts very bad. You know, it will be not easy from now on for all of us but we most do it, really I wish I have more words to make feel a little better but I feel as bad as you do right now and it hurts me to see some hurting as much as I am. Please write as much as you like 'cause we all love to see that, God bless you, your family and Angel Omar in Heaven, always here for you, Jorge Click to view attachment

Good evening Omar's mommy,

Please accept my sincerest condolances on your loss, he was a beautiful doggie. It's terrible when everything happens so fast, I'm sorry that you were forced to deal with such a wrenching decision alone. Oliver had cancer which came on VERY rapidly and others here have spoken of cancer in their animals spreading fast. For all you knew it could have happened in a week with no one home, which in that case I am sure he would gladly give up a wee bit of time to have you there with him. I know I would to have my favorite people and animals around.

That is a lovely story about the birds. True signs are so obvious that you can't deny it. For a time afterwards with mine, I just felt lots of love and the sadness was minimalized.

Take care and post everyday if need be.

Sarah (Oliver's mama)

I'm so sorry about your Omar. He really was a beauty!
I think the guilt gets us not matter what happens. I had to put my beloved golden retriever to sleep two weeks ago today. His kidneys and liver were fine, but his heart was failing, and his lungs were filled with fluid. It's so hard. I keep thinking that I could have done more.
Four years ago I lost my border collie to sudden death ie. I did not have to get her euthanized, she had a heart attack. Nevertheless, I was ridden with guilt.

Does it get easier? Yes, though I'm having a particularly bad day today, so I'm saying it to myself as well as to you.

Somehow we get used to a life without them, though we miss them forever.

I am so sorry for your loss. He's a beautiful dog. Yes, the guilt will haunt us forever in someways, even when we know in our hearts we did the right thing. Your luckly you were able to share a part of this life together. And Congrats with the sign he gave you. I got a good one too..It's kind of bittersweet in a way. I hope you receive many more.. Hug to you and Omar.. Ann

Thank you all for such kind words. I had a rough evening last night...took an ambien and slept away. Just to awaken to such a gorgeous sunny morning...the one's Omar loved to lay in the sun in the back yard while I drank my coffee. I tried to look for some birds again...didn't get any. I hear them though, which in a way is bittersweet still.

I'm also sorry for everyone's losses. We are all together here, which is very nice...but a sad way to meet. I'm here for anyone else that needs a moment. As I can see you all are here for me. I'm hoping every day gets better.

Take care.
Omar's Mommy
(Marcie)

You said:
Just to awaken to such a gorgeous sunny morning...the one's Omar loved to lay in the sun in the back yard while I drank my coffee.

Reminds me of a thought that always occurs to me...when we lose our sweethearts...it always seems as though the world could just stop for a moment..out of respect..but, of course, that will never happen.

And so, I look out my windows and see everyday life is still everyday life out there but our lives are changed forever. Sometimes it hurts..just looking at how "normal" everything seems, when we don't feel normal at all.

And so we do the best we can..and times helps to lessen the intensity of the pain..and, if we are lucky, we have other furbabies at home to remind us just how special they all are.

But it is the Angel we have just lost that is squeezing our heart and it is a hurt time will help somewhat but time will never be able to take away the love and the missing we feel for these best friends of ours...there is nothing anymore that can take that away.

Take care and just know any feelings that come up...will be normal ones..and it is okay to cry and grieve from missing them.

We will truly love them and miss them forever. Such very special ones..how could we not feel that way?

Hugs and post your thoughts and feelings...say what helps you to feel a little bit better to say.
You are not alone here. We all share the same hurt, the same pain, the same intensity, and we also have our good memories and the joy of having them to help us heal.

Judy

Thank you Judy. Something else I really truly miss right now is his fur. I loved putting my fingers in the fur by his ears and scratching away. He would love it too...and his right hind leg would start to move like he was scratching...or it would get him to sit down. It was his favorite spot for you to scratch. Then I would grab him by the side of his head gently of course and kiss his nose all over and tell him I was going to eat him up. Usually he would just sneeze on me. He wasn't a licker dog...he didn't give kisses back...but I knew he loved me. That's something I really miss today. I can look at his pictures...and see his face...but I yearn to feel his fur again. Sigh.

I had the same tough decision to make with my Shenley and decided to let her go. Here was my rationale: The chances for survival were (according to the vet) slim to none. Even if they had operated, Shenley would likely have had to bear a certain amount, maybe a lot, of pain only to wind up leaving anyway. I thought about telling the vet that I'd just take her home and let her pass there - maybe the next day, maybe the next week, who knows. On the other hand I couldn't bear the thought of her being in pain and didn't want Shenley to end her life sick and not able to do the things we so loved doing together.

Omar probably wouldn't have had much time left either and, as difficult as the decision was, I think you did the loving thing and let him go in peace. You can't keep beating yourself up for making a decision out of love for your Omar. He's in heaven now, perpetually young and healthy and he loves you for the decision you made - after all, it was a decision made out of love. He'll be waiting for you on his side of the rainbow bridge. I know that when my time comes it will give me solice to know that my Shenley will be waiting for me just like all the others that meant so much to me during my life on earth.

OmarMommy, please don't think I'm trying to diminish the significance of your terrible pain. I just thought sharing my philosophy regards my Shenley might help you in working down the slow road to peace.

My prayers and thoughts are with you.

ShensFriend

Dear Omarmummy

I have just joined this forum as I had to make the same decision as you - and have my baby chihuahua Marilyn put to sleep last Monday. The image of her lying there will stay with me for a long, long time. But as others have said, please don't beat yourself up about it. You did the kindest thing, the biggest act of love we can do for our animals is to let them die with dignity, and put a stop to pain and suffering.

Having said all that I am still going through the what ifs, what if I'd tried something else, what if I'd taken her home. And I also felt like running back in the vets and begging them to reverse it, even though of course they can't...

I could relate to all you said in your posts. I loved the one about stroking Omar's fur - Marilyn loved it when you gently pulled the fur under her chin (she was a long coat chi), she would fling her head back to ask for more, sometimes I'd joke and say this is my day taken care of, tickle-under-chins for the rest of it. And if you gently blew in her face she'd fling herself at you as if to bite your nose (she never did of course) and make mad squeaking noises. We wish we could turn back the clock don't we?

I know how much you miss your Omar, cos I miss my Marilyn the same. The hurt seems to go on and on.

My thoughts are with you x

That kitchen picture you just posted is adorable. I can see why you would just want to scoop him up and plant some kisses on him. Never mind he is not a kisser back...he gets them anyway. And the nose was my favorite place with my dogs.

I smiled about the leg moving when getting scratched...they are a lot alike...these canine sweethearts.

I know what you mean about the fur. I saved some from hairbrushes and put it in a ziplock bag..one for each of my 3 kitties. The oldest is from 2002 and it is still as soft today as it was then. Sometimes I "visit" them by taking the piece of fur out of the bag and running it back and forth between my fingers and there is something about actually knowing that was theirs..for real.
Just a piece of fur but, like their pictures, it came from a time they felt okay.

It is so easy to understand so many feelings here in the forum because so many of them we all share are so much alike.

Hugs and I wish you peace and healing. It is hard because they love so easily and never wanted to let us out of their sight and...we miss that...a lot.

Judy

Thank you all for your such kind words today. I kept busy today...and it was a little easier today, but now I'm home again...and I just let loose. I found a 'piece' of Omar's fur today in the kitchen floor...and I put it in a baggy. It's only one...because I 'thought' when I came home last Wednesday I should 'clean house' because his fur was everywhere...and I thought I couldn't handle it here...but now I really regret cleaning, because it's hard for me to find the 'chunks' his coat would leave on my carpet. He had husky in him, so his undercoat was like a cotton ball. It would come out in chunks. He would let me 'pick' at his coat to get those out.

I miss him so much.

Just a quick hello to let you know I am thinking of you.

Hugs To YOU!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you Sissycat. This is the time of day that it seems to be the hardest. The house is quiet...kids are sleeping, and it was just me and Omar. I went about my morning...and he followed my feet. Last thing I did was let him out back...while we enjoyed the morning air. I brought him in...gave him a treat...kissed his nose...told him to be good and I loved him. Then I left for work. I would call thru the day to ask my kids how he was. Now I call...and it's like I have nothing to say.

I'm reading the posts here, and it seems like so many have dreams of thier furbabies. I want to have a dream of Omar so bad. I lost my mother-in-law two years ago to colon cancer. She was the savior of my life...and my boys. It was very devistating to see her go. I would have dreams of her, and find such comfort. I haven't had any of Omar. Hopefully someday soon.

Hugs to all.

Omarmommy
Marcie

Something that I need to ask...so I know I'm not the only one I guess. Over the weekend we went to the lake with our boat. Something that I have not been able to do now this summer because Omar was hard to leave alone, and I would be the 'mother hen' and stay home while the family went out to enjoy because I didn't want him to be left behind. I 'enjoyed' myself out there...like a relief. But then I would feel guilty for feeling relief. It's hard to explain. I wasn't feeling 'happy' he was gone, but could relax there knowing he wasn't home alone for a neighbor to come let him out...or that we needed to hurry home earlier then we wanted because he was alone too long. Does this make any sense???? I beat myself up yesterday thinking I was being awful for these feelings. Don't get me wrong. I would bring those days back in an instant if I could. I would sit home on a sunny day if I could do it all over again. But because I can't, it was nice being away and not worrying. Is this normal? Anyone else feel this at all? It hasn't been a week yet. He's being cremated today. I don't know how that makes me feel. I hope bringing him home brings me some comfort. It's to a point I HATE being home. I hate the quiet moments.

Oh, Yes....I understand about leaving the house and not worrying anymore. Very normal. It is nothing to feel guilty over. It was a normal routine that was part of being a Mom (maybe something like other Moms call empty nest syndrome..I don't know).

We had that with my Little Guy and you know..I DO have a relief I don't have to worry. I was grateful that when he was in the most distress and dragged himself to where we were at 3 in the afternoon....that we were home. I often think about if we hadn't been..he would have suffocated to death and the fact we weren't home to help..would have crushed me. It is not a relief that he is gone..it is a relief that he can never suffer again and it is a relief that he will not ever suffer because of something I didn't think to do.

When he was well, in the summer with very bad heat here, we would worry the A/C would go off and we weren't home and the heat would kill him. It is part of being a Mom....it was a part of us that was there automatically. Now the reason to worry is not there but not because we could have done anything about what happened..cause we could not have prevented them being taken from us.

I guess you could think it is really a relief to know for sure your baby is not suffering while you are not there. No reason to feel guilty about that but I know it can be normal to have some guilt trickle in...part of human nature, I guess.

And, to tell you the truth, even though I don't have the little guilt anymore, I still resent the fact very much that my baby is not here FOR me to worry about. (I don't mean worry meaning he is sick..I mean worry..like about the A/C shutting down in the Summer..things like that.)

Hugs...we all can use these..and it is okay to enjoy yourself. You did everything you possibly could to help your sweetheart. He was taken in spite of everything. Give yourself permission to enjoy yourself now and do not feel guilty those worries are not there. He is at peace and you know with all that love he had...he would want you to be too.

Judy

Thank you Judy. You made perfect sense to me. Exactly how I was trying to say it...and how I feel. I'm a 'human' mom too...so you would think the 'worrying' is a normal part of my being. But having a furbaby is almost like having an infant...for years on end. They never grow out of being needy on you...and they can't tell you what is wrong. You feel like they are very helpless. He was my baby I will never have any of again. My kids grow up...less needy, and I find I need something to be needy on me. I guess this is the time I should be giving back to ME, but I find it hard to do.

I'm having a hard day today with your passing Omar. I thought I was on the road to peace, but it looks like I'm going down hill today. Maybe it's because a week ago I was agonizing with the decision do I let you go...or not? I don't know. I look at your picture all day while at work...you are my desktop picture. I find I just sit here staring in your deep brown eyes...and yearn to pet your sweet fur again. Just one more time if I could. I miss your barking at me when you wanted to have some attention..go outside or to get a treat. I never knew which you wanted...but when I would open the door to let you out...you would just stand there looking at me...then the pantry door...like "lady...you should know me by now". One ear up...the other down. I love you Omar. I will never forget you. You touched our family forever.

Is denial a part of grieving? I feel like I'm denying Omar is gone...forever. When I'm home...I tell myself he's with another family member...where I can't see him. When I'm at work...I try to think he's at home. Of course there are times of the day I can't trick myself...but I seem to be doing more of this. Not facing he's actually 'gone'. I did this when my mother-in-law passed away. I told myself she was on 'vacation'. Over and over again.

So sorry for the loss of your beautiful Omar. I loved your story, it was so touching and the photos say it all.
I know the feeling of someone (usually non pet lovers) not understanding our grief. You go ahead and cry and morne all you need to, as you have earned that right for loving him so much. I can really relate to the birds you saw, as I had read that if you see a Monarch Butterfly it's supposed to be sign that your beloved is near. A few days after we lost our precious Simba, we went out for coffee and we went to get back in the car and the most beautiful monarch hovered over our car! It made me smile. Take good care, and know you are in my prayers.

Deb

Omar's Mommy,
Sorry I'm late in responding to your story. I read your story and it brings tears to my eyes. What a beautiful dog. I love all the pictures you have posted. I completely understand what you are feeling, the empty, quiet house, not being able to share a sunny morning outside, calling home and not being able to ask about how your fur baby is doing. Having children that are not needy. Missing the unconditional love Omar provided. You are not alone.
It's been two months since I lost my sweetheart, Zoe. I miss her terribly. I'd give anything to have her in my arms again, even if it's in a dream.
Take care of yourself.
Cyber hug to you and Omar
Deanna

I'm so sorry you lost your beautiful Omar. I/we all know everything your going thru. I had to put my Arthur down due to an injury. I never thought I would have to go thru that. I avoided it with 2 other cats I had. It was extremely hard. It's a memory that's so hard to let go. All the should have, could haves drive me crazy. Funny about the fur thing, I did ask for some and even though, I was horrified when my boyfriend hosed down the door mat where he use to lay. Getting his ashing wasn't as bad as I thought. Putting him in the ground was just too permanent and I knew doing that at that time would have crushed me beyound compare. This way I feel I have time, to keep him or bury him. A little is buried in the garden by his catnip where he loved, the rest still in the baggie in a memory box with some of his toys. I pick it up and kiss it everyday. I understand about the guilt. Arthur was afraid of everyone and we could not leave for even a night. I make plans in my head to "go away", but just haven't the happiness to do so. I use to think what a pain in the ass, that's the least of my pain now. Be patient about the deams, they will come, and you will wake up to a smile on your face and tears on your pillow. And keep an open mind and heart about the "signs' they are all around you. Arthur gave me a sign the day after I asked for one. (It's in my forum the furry love of my life I know he hears me)It was the most special gift I ever got. I wish you so many "gifts" to help with your healing..Ann

I'm so sorry you lost your beautiful Omar. I/we all know everything your going thru. I had to put my Arthur down due to an injury. I never thought I would have to go thru that. I avoided it with 2 other cats I had. It was extremely hard. It's a memory that's so hard to let go. All the should have, could haves drive me crazy. Funny about the fur thing, I did ask for some and even though, I was horrified when my boyfriend hosed down the door mat where he use to lay. Getting his ashing wasn't as bad as I thought. Putting him in the ground was just too permanent and I knew doing that at that time would have crushed me beyound compare. This way I feel I have time, to keep him or bury him. A little is buried in the garden by his catnip where he loved, the rest still in the baggie in a memory box with some of his toys. I pick it up and kiss it everyday. I understand about the guilt. Arthur was afraid of everyone and we could not leave for even a night. I make plans in my head to "go away", but just haven't the happiness to do so. I use to think what a pain in the ass, that's the least of my pain now. Be patient about the deams, they will come, and you will wake up to a smile on your face and tears on your pillow. And keep an open mind and heart about the "signs' they are all around you. Arthur gave me a sign the day after I asked for one. (It's in my forum I know he hears me)It was the most special gift I ever got. I wish you so many "gifts" to help with your healing.. Ann

Thank you Deb. It's been a week today...well in a hour and 50 min that he's been gone from me. The tears are still coming. I guess today is a harder day. I can't believe it's been a week already. I now sit out back almost every night...looking for birds. It's funny. My back yard is all trees. You hear so many birds but don't see any. So now when I do see a bird I really think of Omar. That's so sweet about your butterfly. I never see those around me. Maybe I will now.

Take care.
Marcie

Deanna,

It's okay about being late. We know here we are all grieving the loss of a furbaby. Some days it's just hard to say anything. Thank you about my dog. Today is a week he's been gone. I miss him terribly. The house is so quiet. He would bark in the AM to get someone to let him out. None of that now. I'm sorry about your Zoe. I would do the same.

Thanks for the hug. Hug back.
Marcie

Ann,

I'm sorry about your Arthur. I'm so sorry you had to lose him so tragically. I knew Omar's time was coming...I was just denying it. I hate that they can't live as long as us. Even my 14 yr old acknowledged that. I get his ashes next week. I hope they bring me some comfort. I'm still waiting on the dreams. I yearn for one. I will keep looking for some signs. There are times I feel real 'calm', and I feel he must be near.

Take care.
Marcie

It's been a week...to the time to be exact Omar you have been gone. I miss you so very much baby. I hope you are playing in doggy heaven as I type this and are looking down on me with a smile. I wish I could feel you still...and smell your fur. You were just bathed before you left me...you were so soft and smelled so good.

Take care Omar baby. I hope you are with NanNan and Rocky up there. I will see you again some day as we cross the Rainbow Bridge.

Love you bunches.

Your Mommy

Omarmommy, the anniversaries are so hard to get through. The first hour, the first day, the first week, the first month, the first birthday, the first of everything is a reminder that the physical presence of your precious Omar is no longer with you. There are no adequate words of comfort that can fill the void in your heart right now. But please know you are not alone in your grief journey, and hopefully someday, the void you feel in your heart will be filled and overflowing with the warmth of friendship extended to you in this time of great sorrow along with the many sweet memories of Omar's living Spirit. One day at a time, Omarmommy. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Peace and blessings,

moon_beam

Thank you moon beam. I can't believe it's been a week already. A week seems like forever to me...but I feel like he was just here with me. I still very much miss petting him. I don't know why so much I miss that. I must be a touch person. I loved his coat...and I loved how he just enjoyed it so. Man I miss him.

Hi, Omarmommy, one of the reasons why the grief journey is so difficult and intense, particularly in the beginning, is because of the physical separation. This is also true in the loss of a loved human family member or friend. Clinical studies have shown that, in the case of married couples, when one spouse dies, there is an increase of death for the surviving spouse within the first year of being widowed - - due specifically to the physical separation. The physical and emotional stimulation that was given and received between you and Omar is now lost for you, and it physically hurts not to be able to hold him and run your fingers through his hair and do all the physical things that bonded you together emotionally. This is one of the many reasons why so many folks, including myself, find it comforting to hold something of our beloved furkid in our arms from time to time - - a favorite toy or blanket, etc. - - because it helps to ease this loss of physical touch. The toys, blankets, etc., are definitely NOT the same, but the fact that they belonged to our beloved furkid is what helps to ease the loss of the physical connection. In time, this physical pain will ease as your memories of Omar become more dominant emotionally, but for now - - the physical loss hurts. This grief journey is one of the hardest experiences that we can ever have. You are not alone, Omarmommy. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,

moon_beam

That makes a lot of sense. Are you a therapist? I wish I still had his bed. I was so distraught, I got rid of it right away. Now I know I should have just 'moved' it, but it's too late. Makes me very sad. I look around my house for SOMETHING to see of him...but I can't except for his food and leash. I'm so happy when I find fur, but that is hard to come by. I always wondered how people could have their pets stuffed...but now I can see why some would.

Hi, Omarmommy, I am so glad I was able to help you better understand why it hurts so much physically when we lose our beloved furkids. No, I'm not a therapist, but I do have two certificates in Veterinary Assistance and have taken courses in grief and loss. My Oslo (Black Lab) and I used to do Animal Assisted Therapy volunteer work, and we did a lot of visits in many different forums. I found the courses in grief and loss very helpful because it helped me to better understand the different situations that we were asked to work in. I have found that the same principles of grief and loss apply to us fur parents when we lose a beloved furkid. And many clinical studies are now confirming this, which is helpful. So, if what I share with you and the others here from what I have learned - - and still keep learning - - is helpful and comforting for you, then I am content to know that I can offer each of you some form of comfort during a very painful and sorrowful time in your lives. Omarmommy, you can certainly hold his pictures close to you, right? I slept with my Eli's leash and collar - - kept it under my pillow - - for several weeks after he went home to the angels. When you find some of Omar's fur, you can put it in a zip lock baggie to keep. When my Eli was having chemo, he lost most of his whiskers - - not his fur, just most of his whiskers- - so I started a "Whisker Box." When I found one of his whiskers somewhere, I would pick it up and put it in my "whisker box" for him. I still have his whiskers. Whatever brings you comfort right now, Omarmommy, it's okay. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let me know how you're doing, Omarmommy.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I know what you mean. I kept all her toys and her food and water bowl are right where we left it. It's a constant reminder whenever I"m in the kitchen.

The first week was so bad, when I got home from work each day, I actually cried in front of my house everytime I saw Candy's droppings (yes, I know, I didn't have the heart to pick them up for over a week). Even now, I still wonder the yard to see if there's any remenants of her. Just the little dried oval spots where she peed is all that's left.

Though I still see Candy's hair all over my friend new car (sorry Mark.).

Thanks moon beam. That is really nice what you did. I feel like volunteering at a shelter now. Get my furbaby fix. Yes, I have lots of pictures of him. His leash and collar. That is sweet about his whiskers.

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

-Marcie

Well Omar, today is 2 weeks since you have been gone. I miss you so very much baby. We went to the beach for 4 days, and it was great therapy, but I kept seeing so many beautiful butterflies...and I would just smile and think you were with us. I like to think you were wanting to be near. I came home and got a call your ashes were ready for me to pick up from the vet. I hope bringing you home gives me some peace. I hope you're having a great time where you are and know that you will be in my heart and thoughts forever, and ever. I miss you to the moon and back.

Love you.

Hi, Marcie, I can just picture Omar playing with the butterflies, and having them land on his nose. What a wonderful memory. Butteflies are a symbol of new life. Will someone be able to go with you when you get his ashes? It will be healing to have him home again, only differently. Marcie, you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how it goes for you when you bring Omar's ashes home.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

The butterflies were so pretty too. They were monarchs and some were a yellow. They were even following us out on the sound in a fishing boat. I found that odd they were out that far, so I like to think Omar was with us, since he never could go out with us fishing. He wasn't a water dog.

Nobody could go with me yesterday to pick up Omar's ashes. I went on my way home from work. I pretty much lost it out in the parking lot before even going inside. The poor little girl behind the counter asked me if she could help me...and I had to say in my sobbing...I'm here to pick up my dog Omar's ashes. The waiting room quieted. My hand was shaking as I signed my name to my last vet bill...from that day. She handed me a pretty dark plum velvet bag, I opened it up to take a peek inside, and it was a very nicely made cherry wood box, and a card from the pet cremation place stating I can guarantee it was a private cremation and they handled Omar with care. So I closed the bag up...carried it out to my car..put him on the passenger seat where he rode with me that day (I still have his slobber marks on my window from his nose. I can't wash them off). When I got inside and started to drive away, I put him on my lap and drove home with him there. He was too big to ever be on my lap while driving...and I felt comforted. He's at home right now on my kitchen bar...trying to think of a good place for him. We are going to attach a frame to the top with his picture and get a brass plate made to glue to the front.

I still have moments of confusion that he's really 'gone'. There are moments I still think I need to get home to him...and there are times I catch something out of the corner of my eye and I think it's him...then I look and it's just a blanket on the floor...or a shadow outside and I remember he can't be there.

I miss him terribly.
-Marcie

Oh! Omarmommy I was reading all your posts one by one and you took me back to the last May the 20th and saw my self again loving and missing my Beloved Buster. I too felt and feel the same way you did and do, sometimes I feel bad {and it hurts me} when I see other people going thru what I am going thru and going thru also the physical separation that one has been the worst for me, I am so so sorry you have to go thru all this too, if you need me always here to listen too, Jorge