Hi Jenny,
Thank you so much. Your post meant the world to me. I'm feeling a little better since I got to write out my feelings. But I know it's probably temporary. I think I have some issues I'll need to work out with John (my b/f). This week is also emotional for me because Jasmine's birthday is on Sunday. She would have been 10.

I went to a baby name site (Baby Names)
and this is what Jasmine means: jasmine flower, gift from God

Bailey means: bailiff, fortification, able

I looked up Allison (Allie) and it means of noble birth.

Dear Audrey,

Oh dear, my heart just breaks for you! You have such an uplifting and exciting moment (when Jasmine visited you) and then you were brought down to crash emotionally from John's reaction to your pain.

First, I am so happy for you that Jasmine came to visit you! Such a beautiful furbaby!!! I just LOVE the picture in your avatar of Jasmine and Bailey. I hope her visit helped to bring you some comfort and peace. I can't say I have experienced a "real" visit from my Rachael. However, I totally believe that Rachael shows herself sometimes through my little Brandy.

I am so sorry that John said that cruel comment to you. I think there are still many men that have a hard time dealing with emotions. Maybe he is just upset that you are still in pain and he thinks he can "fix" it by snapping you out of it. Men tend to be "fixers" and always want to solve problems, fix things, etc. They have a hard time just listening and feeling with you and NOT trying to "fix" it. My husband never made such comments, but after about a month, I noticed he stopped talking about it. He will mention Rachael's name, mostly when Brandy does something Rachael would do, but we stopped talking about the "feelings" around her death. I just accepted that he has a harder time expressing it than I do. Maybe a calm talk with him would help. Maybe if you let him know that you just need him to listen. I would suspect that your friends don't ask anymore because they are afraid it will upset you. If they "think" you are feeling better, they may think that bringing it up will upset you again. There could be some serious issues there with John, but there could also just be a problem in expressing pain and knowing how to help you through this. Let him know that part of healing is being able to talk your precious Jasmine. Let him know it's okay for you to still cry. Maybe you could let him know what you'd like from him that would help. MAybe you could suggest that all you will need in those bad times, is a hug. I bet he is the type that pushes pain away and shuts it out. That could be how he deals with pain in his life. When two people come togther, there are ALWAYS areas where they are completely different. Talking it out, understanding and respecting the differences, is what I think makes it work.

M thoughts and prayers are with you!
I would suggest coming here on Sunday and posting a beauiful Happy Birthday message in the tribute section to your Jasmine. I would just LOVE to see another picture of your angel

Cheri

Dear Audrey, What a wonderful visit from your baby that you had. You hold tight to that when you are feeling so alone.

I don't like to stick my noise in to other people's business but I think John has a bit of a problem. Maybe he thinks you should be over it as most people on the outside world does. But to complain about it when your heart is broken is just plain terrible.

He should show more respect and love to you than that. What would happen should you have children with him and one should pass away. Would he support you in your grief or get uptight and ask how long was this going to go on.

Ok so maybe I am getting a little wild here but things like that do happen. Yes, many men sometimes put away their feeling. But at least most don't get upset when someone is in pain. He should be hugging you and speaking tender words to you. Wiping away your tears as they fall and telling you he understands your pain.

I would think twice about spending my life with someone like that. I would not want to be reprimanded or made to feel belittled because my love for my fur baby was great. I would hate to think my feelings were something that someone cared so little about if they claimed to love me.

Life is to short to not be with someone who thinks the world of you. You need one who cares about and loves what you do and is able to comfort you. You need one who will not put you down because he thinks you should just let it go, get over it, get on with it, it does not work that way.

My husband Clair and I could not have made it through all these years if we did not care about each other's feelings. He has never once said anything so hurtful to me. 31 years later, 4 children, 6 grand children and another on the way we are still madly in love.
Love, Ann

Hi everyone. Sorry it took me a couple of days to reply...I haven't been around much.
First off, thank you all for your responses. I'm truly touched. And please dont' feel you're giving unwanted advice...that's the beauty of meeting new people...they give their own life experiences and that's how we learn, isn't it? By sharing knowledge and compassion.
Cheri, I think everything you said is right on the money. John is a typical guy in that sense where he doesnt' express his own feelings. He also thinks things are "fixable". I do need to have a conversation with him and express my disappointment that he would not value my love for Jasmine. And yes, I need to express my needs. It's something I'm not very good at, as all my life I've taken care of myself and it's hard sometimes to tell someone what I need.
When John's grandmother died in Feb, he held in any tears. I urged him to cry and let it out but he kept saying she was better off (she was ill for a while and they were very close...she lived with the family). The only time he cried was when his mother lost it and wept uncontrollably at the funeral. I was relieved. But he has shown no remorse since. He deals differently and he needs to understand that I don't deal that way.
Cheri, I must tell you that I thought you today...I was at the dog park and someone had a black lab and called her Rachel. I did a double-take when I heard it. I smiled and thought of you and Rachel and felt like I was given a living memory of her. It's funny, being at the dog park has helped pick me up a bit. Today there was a 4 month old puppy who was rolling around in the grass with other dogs, the way only puppies do. It made me laugh and renewed my spirit a bit. I've seen so many dogs in the park that remind me of people's babies on this site. So I guess it's also shown me how much in common we as humans have...especially pet owners.
Ann, thank you for your thoughts and again, you're not sticking your nose in where its' not wanted. John only knew Jasmine for 2 1/2 years...he has plenty of experiences with her...both good and bad. He loved her too and he was definitely upset the night she passed away. He was there with me at the hospital when I said goodbye to her body. He cared for me that first week when I wouldn't eat. But I guess he just doesn't fully comprehend my attachment to her. Since we dont' live together, I don't think he has a full sense of responsibility that I had for her. Although he did understand to an extent when I had to return home for feedings, etc. Who knows with men.

I will do a Birthday tribute to Jasmine on Sunday. I'll see if I can scan in some pics. I do happen to have another professional one of her that was taken when she was 7 months old. I have that one right in my room. The other pics I'll have to search for.
I was also thinking, I'd like to start writing about Bailey. There's so much about him that I'd love to share...and I'd rather do it when he's here, so that if I keep a journal on my computer, I can refer back to it some time.
Thanks again all for your love.
Audrey

I had a stress dream the other night...I didn't remember it until last night. I dreamt that I had left "my" dog outside. It wasn't Bailey...he was on the bed with me. But it wasn't Jasmine either. Someone in my dream told me that I left the dog outside and I better go get it. IK could see the dog outside, tied up. It was a German Shorthair but didn't look like Jamsine. So I actually got up and walked into the kitchen. I turned on the light and went to open the door. I then came to full consciousness and was like I went back to bed and was a bit shooken up by it. I'm not sure what it meant.
I've actually had something good happen in the past week. I didn't have a chance to post about it because I was very sad last week. But it was something that I believe was fate.
I was at the dog park and a guy came who had a German Shorthair female. She was colored similar to Jasmine but not the same face. In talking with him, he said he had to give her up because he was moving. I informed him I am a volunteer for GSP Rescue and I gave him my coordinator's phone #. Well, he called that night and we were able to place her with a woman up in Maine who has been wanting an older female! So I saved a dog!
So it makes it even more strange that I would dream that I left a dog behind.

I found some pictures tonight. My roommate is going to scan them in so I can post them. They really brought back pangs of pain and grief. I have the professional one of her when she was 7 months old. Then I found some I took a year ago...of her on my bed with her head on my pillow (as usual). Then there's one of her with Bailey on the bed.
Then I found some from 2000. Her face is less white and she looks so vibrant. Just seeing her again turned my stomach. Seeing her little brown butt patch...her soft ears...her face...the look in her eyes...wow....it's really all gone.
Also, I have this impending feeling over me because it's coming to time when her ashes should be coming back. The cremetory said it would take 6 weeks and well, this is week 5. How will I react? What will happen to me? Will I fall apart again as I hold my baby in a box? I almost dread it.
What's worse is that the woods where we used to hike, where I want to spread some of the ashes, has coyote sightings. I don't want to go in there with Bailey....omg if something happened....
Anyway...I'll post the pics probably by tomorrow.

Dear Audrey,

I am SO happy to hear that you are getting some pictures scanned for us to see! Your babies, Jasmine and Bailey, look so pretty! I don't see that breed of dog in my area. What beautiful markings! I can't wait to see the pictures

I understand your pain while looking at them. I immediately put up a memorial at work for my Rachael and it was VERY hard to look through her pictures when the pain was still so fresh. However, after a few weeks of looking at them, it got easier.
It does bring back all those memories, seeing those details again, like her little Brown patch butt (I got a giggle from that!), soft ears, etc. Someday you will be able to look at those without so much pain. It just takes time and lots of healing.

Since we buried Rachael and didn't deal with ashes, I don't know how you will feel when you get hers. I have read in here that it could go either way. Some were relieved to have them back. They felt like their furbaby was back home with them again. Then, others fell apart, realizing this was so final. I pray you will find some comfort having your Jasmine back. I think spreading her ashes in her favorite place is a wonderful idea! I would wait until the coyote sightings have stopped, though

Hugs,
Cheri

Thanks Cheri. Btw, did you see my post from April 22? Scroll up if you haven't. It has to do with Rachel.
I am hoping the pictures gets scanned today. I told my roommate to do it when he had a chance. He works sometimes from home and last night he was doing stuff.

Oh yes, I am SO sorry that I didn't reply to that. I was too wrapped up in all the other things you had to say. I was concerned about how you were doing and how your relationship was surviving your grief.

I can't imagine the odds of you coming across a black lab with my baby's name! How special!!! I have never met anyone yet that had named their dog that, much less another black lab!

I take that as a wonderful sign from my sweet angel Rachael!!!
Thank you for sharing that with me

Cheri

You're welcome! I was surprised too. What's funny is that I've come across a few other dogs in the park that remind me of babies on here that people have lost. But "Rachel" was the only one who had the same name.
My best friend did something very special today. I got an email that said:

Dear Audrey,

A gift has been made in memory of Jasmine by Tanya Carlino.

"For Jazzy, a beautiful GSP, most beloved "child" of Audrey and big sister to Bailey. She was smart (scary smart!) with an unusal affinity for butternut squash and blueberry pie and calculating enough to find a way to get it no matter the challenge!...able to wreak havoc and blame it on her little brother just for fun! She was the epitome of a best friend, there for good and bad...able to make you smile in spite of yourself. May the pain of loss fade but the love and memories be forever bright."


There are about 1,500 dogs and cats and other animals from all over the country at the sanctuary on any given day – most of them in need of special attention. Your sponsorship helps make sure we can give them the best care possible.

Of course, the work of Best Friends reaches far beyond the sanctuary itself. Best Friends works with communities, neighborhoods, cities, and states all across the nation to set up No More Homeless Pets programs that will soon bring an end altogether to the killing of abandoned animals in shelters.

Kindness to animals helps build a better world for all of us. May your membership keep all loving memories of Jasmine close to your heart.

Thank you for caring about the animals.

Best wishes from all of us at Best Friends Animal Society



I have to give her a call tonight and thank her. I'm so choked up!!! I can't believe she remembered that I was a member of Best Friends! They have a Rainbow Bridge memorial there. I mentioned this in another part of the forum, but you guys should check out the site when you get a chance. Best Friends

What a WONDERFUL gift!!! I think that organization is great. I sponsor a dog there myself

Cheri

What a wonderful gift...with such thoughtful words. I cried as I read them...and I'm still crying as I type this.

Yeah I cry every time I read it too.
Tanya has been the only person that has really supported me...the problem is that she lives in Philadelphia and I live in Boston. We were college roommies so I've known her for about 10 yrs. After college, she used to come up to visit and she got to know Jasmine "quite" well. In fact, she was there when the incident with the butternut squash happened.
Tanya lost her beloved cat Loki 2 yrs ago. She was up here visiting me because it was my graduation party for my Master's degree and she wanted to come up. Loki had been a bit sick but he was hanging in there. The night before she was supposed to drive home (to NJ at the time), he took a turn and her mom called her to say they were at the vet, and he was suffering and would have to be put down. Tanya wanted to drive home immediately to say goodbye but the vet didnt' know if Loki could hold on for another 5 hrs. So Tanya wasn't able to be there with him. It was gut wrenching to hear her talk to her mom on the phone, and tell her mom to kiss Loki for her, and give him one last snuggle. I had met Loki many times myself so we were both upset. But I always felt guilty that Tanya could not be there for Loki in the end. Tanya told me not to feel that way, but I always felt bad. She said she was glad I was the one who was with her that night.
So when I called Tanya and told her about Jasmine, she was right there with me, emotionally speaking. She called me everyday that week. But it's so hard when the person isn't there in person. Thus, I have always felt alone in my grief.

So I called Tanya last night to thank her. Then she told me something amazing....she said she found a letter I had written her right after I got Jasmine. I am a year older so she was still in college. She said she found it in the back of a drawer, and I had written her to tell her all about Jasmine...how special she was, how happy I was to have gotten her.
What makes this SO amazing is that Tanya is a nurse. Currently she is a Medevac flight nurse in Philly, but before that, she was a travelling nurse for 2 yrs. She went all around the country. She had her "stuff" in storage all this time, but moved everything else every 6 months. Prior to that she was working in a couple of different hospitals, lived with her mom or friends. The fact that she JUST found this letter in a drawer, after all the moving she did is absolutely amazing to me. Especially since it was mailed to her when she was living at college.
Could it be a sign? I mean, what better gift could I receive than to be able to read my own words from 10 yrs ago about Jasmine??? She's going to make me a copy so I can read it. She said it made her cry, so obviously it will make me cry. LOL
Makes me think...I have tried to keep journals in the past but never kept them up. I have online journals from the past couple of years. Perhaps I should start a Bailey journal so that I never forget the "little" things.

Anyway, sorry this got so long, but I HAD to share all this.

Wow! I think that's totally amazing! And, what a wonderful gift to be able to read your own words about Jasmine 10 years later. I can't help but think Jasmine had a paw in Tanya finding that letter.

LOL! What a great way to say that!

Dear Audrey, Oh that is so wonderful that she found that letter and is going to send you a copy. I'm sure you will treasure it always.

It is good to keep a diary and I have done so for close to 40 years. My family calls me now and then to see what day a certain event was done on.

This is the first year I have been having trouble keeping up with it. I guess my heart is just so sad after losing my girls.
Love, Ann

I can imagine, Ann. I know for myself, the pain makes it hard to remember things about Jazzy. Sometimes I'll get a memory randomly and I'll say to myself "how could I have forgotten about that?"
Example: all her life, whenever Jasmine would get really excited she would chatter her teeth. Like, when I was about to throw her ball or frisbee. It was so funny. Well, for some reason, over the past 6 months or so, she would do it more often...like daily. When she wanted to go out, or eat, or play...she would chatter. Sometimes she would do it to tell me she was cold. We had a miserable winter up here in Boston this year, and she liked the blanket on her. LOL I totally forgot about her teeth chattering until something made me remember. I don't even know what made me remember. But it did make me simultaneously happy and sad...happy because it's funny, sad because I'll never hear her do it again.
I think I'll try to write stuff down randomly as it comes to me. I really should make one for Bailey now. I think we all can agree that life can change in a blink.

I've been feeling really emotional over the past few days. Like even commercials can make me cry. LOL I've been thinking a lot about Jazzy. A few people at work have asked me how I'm doing. They are dog owners and understand my pain. Funny how the people who ask me are just work friends...not friend friends, if that makes sense. But it makes me feel good nonetheless. I just feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat and I hate it.
Today at the dog park there was a dog, a mixed breed, who reminded me of Jazzy. I don't even know WHY she reminded me of her. She wasn't the same color, but she was the same height. She had a similar shaped head and legs, but she was fatter than Jasmine. I really can't explain WHY she reminded me of her. I know that sounds insane but I just can't explain it. She came over to me and leaned into me, like some dogs do. Jazzy did it sometimes. As I petted her, I just got REALLY REALLY sad and started missing Jazzy intensely. I mean, I miss her EVERYDAY, but this week it's been more intense. I just want to touch her one more time...to kiss her head, her ears. To see her "look how good I am" face when she sits for a treat. I want to not get a good night's sleep because she wakes me up to put the blanket on her. I want 2 lumps under the blankets next to me, instead of the empty space next to me and my Bailey lump at the foot of the bed. I want to hug her, and have her give me that look like I'm bothering her, but then cuddle anyway. I miss my friend.
Perhaps I'm just anticipating getting her ashes soon. It should be next week some time.
I also feel like I am just not the same person as I was before. I feel like I will never be that Audrey again. Jasmine took a piece of me with her...and I just don't know if I'll get it back.
I'm looking at a potential career change soon. I applied for a job with the city doing environmental stuff. It could be a GREAT opportunity for me to do more with my life. It's not that I hate teaching, but I have always yearned to do more. I sent my resume in and hopefully I'll get an interview. I feel like my life is changing (or could be) very fast and I yearn for the way it was before. Change is hard for me. (Hey, I'm a Taurus!) I don't even know if I'm making sense right now. I just felt the need to type all this out. Thanks for reading.

Hi, Audrey-

I know that feeling of having lost a part of yourself when Jasmine died. I feel the same way about Shiloh. It so hard to explain...there are no words that can describe the relationship that we had. And, I also know that feeling of seeing dogs that kind of remind you of Jasmine. Whenever I see dogs that have no tails, I think of Shiloh and her little "wiggle waggle nub" and I still get very sad...I think I always will.

Hang in there.
Kathleen

PS - Shiloh used to chatter her teeth when she'd get excited too...especially when we were getting ready to go for a walk.

Audrey, You are so fortunate to have a friend like that. I'm sure the letter will bring back fond memories of the early days you spent with Jasmine.

I just read through your entire post, as so many things reminded me of my Abby. The "chewing" stages I guess you can say, and the stubborness.

I know the letter will be a special thing to you, and I am glad that your friend kept it through all these years.

Midwest

Thank you Kathleen and Midwest.
Kathleen, I have a sad smile on my face as I think of Jasmine and Shiloh chattering their teeth. And ironically that dog I mentioned who reminded me of Jasmine had a really short docked tail, as you described Shiloh's.
Midwest, yes I am so fortunate that I've had Tanya...a good friend regardless of the distance between us.

Still feeling sad today. In fact, I think it's rubbing off on Bailey. Went to the dog park and he was like Eeyore! He would NOT play with the other dogs. Even the other regulars noticed he was acting VERY clingy to me, and mopey. Other dogs would come and try to play with him and he wouldn't. He did play a bit of frisbee with me, but that's it.
He was doing so well too...the past week he's been playing so much more...he even chased a greyhound the other day! I knew he would never catch her but he was close...closer than the rest of the pack behind him!
But today....nope. He just wanted me. I am concerned that he'll get "too" dependent on me and give himself more anxiety separation issues. We'll see.

I sit here in tears...on the 7th week anniversary of losing Jasmine. As the weeks go by, it still seems surreal. In fact, when I was telling someone at the park the other day that I "lost my other one", I went to say "I lost my other one last month"....and then realized no, it was March, not April. How can time go by so fast, yet so slow at the same time?
I also sit here in tears because I feel a deep loss of those who are leaving this site. I am in no way taking away from the people who are staying, and have been SUCH a great source of hope and comfort for me....but I think we can all agree that the people who are leaving really gave us a lot of strength. They were way ahead of me in terms of their losses. They always posted and I felt so welcomed. Now I've lost them too.
Again, I don't mean to take away from Jenny, Kathryn (both), Rusty's mom, jilly, kimberleyheide, and so many others. I have such a headache I know I'm forgetting so many names so please forgive me. I'm just so emotional today...I guess it's been building up all week. Bailey has regressed at the dog park. He doesn't want to play with the other dogs. Today he stood by my side and just cried and whined. Dogs would come up to him and try to get him to play but he just looked away. Thankfully one "wild" dog ran up to him and got him going for a few minutes, but other than that...nothing. He's always been a "momma's boy" but I feel like he's getting worse and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like he needs another companion but I can't even fathom it. There's so many pointers available thru my Rescue too. I feel so guilty that they need homes but I'm just too torn up.
I feel like my recent posts are so inadequate. I try to help others but I feel almost hypocritical because I too am in so much pain. I have read so many new stories and I can't even reply to some of them because I get too upset. And for that I feel guilty too. And now this post is turning out to be a wishy washy one, and I dont' mean it to be.
I guess it all comes down to: I miss her.

Hi, Audrey-

I, too, am feeling an incredible loss over everyone who is leaving. Such wonderful, caring people...I feel like I've just lost family members.

Please don't feel that your posts are inadequate. I think any reply lets someone in pain know that you're thinking of them, and let's them know that you took time to read their post.

I'm thinking of you and Jasmine on her 7 week anniversary.
Kathleen

Thank you Kathleen. Oh damn it, how could I have forgotten to include you in my last post. I was in such sadness last night, I KNEW I had forgotten some. I'm so sorry. You've always been there for me too. Man, I felt like I forgot Shiloh by doing that. *smacks self*

Not to worry, Audrey. I think we're all having a tough time right now. No need for any smacking!

I had my first dream about Jasmine last night. It's hard to remember as most dreams are, but it's the end that sticks out. I dreamt I was in my house and both dogs got out. I ran out to catch Bailey and I did, and put him in the house.
Then I ran out and saw another dog. I think I thought it was Bailey so I ran after it, not wanting him to get hit by a car in the street. When I got close, I remember saying "STAY". The dog stopped but looked like it was going to bolt away any second. I lunged forward and caught it by the collar. Up until this point, I couldn't "see" who it was. The face was fuzzy (you know how dreams distort things). When I grabbed the collar it was then that the dog looked up at me, right into my eyes and it was Jasmine! She seemed SO real. I thought to myself "I have her, she's safe" but then immediately I got freaked because she's gone. I snapped awake and sat up in bed. I've thought about it all day. Her look was so intense as it was life...like she was trying to tell me something. But I was too freaked/scared and woke up to end it.

I too lost a dog that one day was fine... and the next day he was dead. I can understand your feelings. I dont think I am going to say anything the others have not. But I am glad you have peace knowing everything was done for Jazzy that could have been. In time the void in your heart will heal.

I remember my first dreams of Shiloh after she died...in the dreams I was always obsessed with feeling her neck for swollen lymph glands, and much to my horror, the glands were always huge. Then I stopped having dreams about her. Months passed, and then one night, one wonderful night, I had a dream...I've posted this dream before, but I love talking about it, so I'll post it again. In the dream I was laying on the floor and all of a sudden I was laying next to Shiloh...I could feel her fur, and the most amazing thing, I could smell her. I rubbed my fingers through her fur and then I started crying and I told her how much I missed her, and then we made eye contact (Shiloh had one partially blue eye, and in the dream her eye was sky blue), she looked at me, reached up and licked my chin and nose, that's when I woke up. I really feel like she visited me that night...it was amazing. I think she was telling me that she missed me too, but that she was okay.

I hope that Jazzy will make an appearance like that in a dream for you.

Thanks Kathleen. What a wonderful dream you had! I believe it was really Shiloh too!
I remembered another detail about the dream yesterday when I was at work. I was looking at the professional picture (my avatar). I have a 5x7 of it at work. Jazzy's face had become SO white in the past 2 yrs. You can really see if you look at some of those pics I posted in that other thread. Anyway, it was then that I realized in the dream, her face wasn't white! It was back to brown again, like when she was younger. It was like she was reverted back to her younger, healthier years. Not that she was in bad health before she died, actually she was in pretty good shape...she lost some excess weight and it helped her not be stiff in her back legs after a long run. But of course being younger she was more vital. And that's the way she was in the dream. So maybe she was telling me that she's been restored to full health and she's doing great and that she's with me and Bailey.
Kamikaze's mom...thanks for your post. I've been following your story and I hope you're doing better.