Hello everyone. My name is Audrey and I'm new here.
It's taken a lot of courage to post here...but I feel so lost that I need somewhere to turn. I've read some posts here and everyone seems so supportive.
I lost my German Shorthaired Pointer, Jasmine, on Monday night. She was going to be 10 yrs old next month. I can't believe it's only 4 days...it seems like an eternity ago...and eternity of hell. She died suddenly and unexpectedly, with no previous signs of anything wrong.
One minute she was fine, the next she was not. She was breathing funny and just didnt' look right. I think we all as pet-owner know when our children aren't feeling well. Not sure what was going on, I tried to confort her. She allowed me to, and then tried to go off in the corner. Then she started pacing the house and within minutes, starting losing her balance. It was then I knew I had to rush her to emergency vet. In less than 5 min we were carrying her into the car. I have another pointer, a male, Bailey, who is going to be 8 yrs old. I took him with us because he was so confused and knew something was wrong. Luckily I have a male roommate so he was able to carry Jasmine for me. The ride to the vet was maybe 12 minutes. As we pulled up, she lost consciousness. We grabbed her and ran into the hospital. They immediately took her and whisked her into the ER. The last image I have is her head falling to the side in the vet tech's arms. I had no idea she had just stopped breathing. The next thing I knew, they were telling me they had the crash cart out and were trying to start her heart again. They asked me how far I wanted them to go. Need I say I was in complete shock!!?? How can I tell them to crack her chest open to try to get her heart beating again, when no one knows what's wrong??? So I held off on the decision.
About 10 min later, the vet came out. From the look on her face, I knew. She told me that they had a breathing tube in her, and they had been trying to start her heart, but couldn't get a steady beat. She advised me that given her experiece, and Jasmine's symptoms, she strongly believed that she had a hidden tumor that had broken free and caused organ failure and possibly even a blood clot. She said that cracking her open really wouldn't do anything. So I had to give her permission to stop working on Jasmine. It was at that moment that my world shattered.
The vet came back in shortly after and told me she took the liberty of taking a fluid sample from Jasmine's abdominal area. There was free blood....a confirmation that she had organ failure. The reason she lost her balance back at the house was because her blood pressure was crashing. I thanked her for doing all she could. I called my boyfriend and he immediately drove up to the hospital. There was no time to call him before. My roommate had Bailey in the waiting area and he was whining and crying, very confused.
When I was ready, they brought her out. It was the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. She looked like she was sleeping....yet in some respects it wasn't her. I could tell her spirit was gone. We all spent time with her, though I opted to keep Bailey out of the room. I felt it would upset him to see her.
So there's my story......my baby girl is gone. I never got a chance to say goodbye to her when she was still alive.
The vet told me that it was a blessing in disguise. Many pet owners who find out their pets have cancer have to make hard decisions....and Jasmine spared me of that. I'm trying to be grateful but it's so hard. I'm also trying to be grateful that I was home when it happened. I don't think I could have forgiven myself if it happened while I was at work.
The past 4 days have been a nightmare. I took the week off from work. I'm a teacher and I just couldn't stand the thought of trying to put on a happy face for my students. I cant' even imagine going back on Monday, to tell you the truth. I had to call the crematory on Tues to arrange for them to pick her up. I got the paperwork yesterday and sent it back to them today....approving the cremation and picking out an urn. Yesterday I didn't cry much...I thought I was doing better....today I'm in a black hole. Im' trying to be strong for Bailey...he's such a baby as it is. He's never been without Jasmine. I left him alone today for the first time for a couple of hours. He seemed to do okay. I'm worried about him though. I know he's picking up on my sadness. I cried for hours in bed today. I feel like I will never get out of it.
I got Jasmine right after I got out of college. I did have a childhood dog and I mourned her passing while I was in college...but Jasmine was "my" dog. We've been through so much together. She was my girl, my girlfriend, my baby, my love. I can't see getting on without her. I can't believe she left me and Bailey. All around the house, I have 2 of everything...and now only one dog. I feel sick all the time. I can barely eat. When I do, I feel even worse. I went from not sleeping, to sleeping too much. It's my hope that coming here will help. I wish I could find group support in my area...north of Boston. Either that, or I think I might need some counseling.
Thanks in advance for listening everyone.

dearest audrey,
i'm new also- my beloved cat of 16 years died a month ago today. i know the depth of pain that you're expressing and i am SO sorry for your loss of Jasmine. your description of your experience made my heart leap up and rush towards you. please know that you are not alone and that it will transform.
i'm sending you the deepest comfort and love

Thank you, thank you so much.

Dear Audrey,

I cried as I read your post about your baby, Jasmine. I lost Shiloh 6 months ago to lymphoma. Although I'm pretty far along in my grieving process, I still have days when I miss Shiloh more than words can describe. Like Jasmine, Shiloh was "my" first dog (I'd had dogs growing up, but Shiloh was my first), so I completely understand how you're feeling. I'm also a teacher and I remember how hard those first few days back at work were.

This is a wonderful website, with very caring people. Please post here as often as you need to...share your thoughts and feelings...it really does help.

You're in my thoughts,
Kathleen

Dear Audrey,
My heart just breaks for you. I am so sad for the tragic loss of you dear Jasmine.
I am glad you found LS. The people who post here are kind and gentle and have helped me immensely.
I lost my beloved 10 year-old Aussie Terrier, Indy, almost 3 months ago.
I remember the early painful days very much as you describe them. I also had difficulty sleeping and eating. I was unable to work.
I did seek professional counseling to help me deal with my grief and subsequent depression. My vet recommend a pet loss support group in my area. Perhpas your vet knows of one.
As time passes there are still some difficult days but they are becoming much less frequent.
I have seen many people here progress through the grieving process and become strong as they adjust to life after loss.
I am moving forward in my healing and know, in time, you will too.
Thinking of you during this very difficult itme.
Love & Hugs,
Fran

Hey Audrey,

I'm so sorry about your Jazzy.

My Luba's vet said that he believes that sudden deaths take the longest for people to get over. Obviously, there are execptions, but for people like you and me we must first get over the shock and disbelief before we can even start to grieve.

Your thread brought back the horror of Luba's sudden health crash. We went from playing ball one night to her collapse the next morning. It was insane. She held in for about 40 hours at the vets, but I too received the devastating news that changed my world forever. And this after she had stabilized. I tell you that was the worst day of my life, and I am no stranger to deaths.

Believe me though, it does get a lot better.

Come here and post often.

Hi Audrey, I am so sorry about the loss of your precious Jasmine. I know how hard it must have been with her getting so bad. When I lost my Chili Bean I had no idea she was going to have to be put to sleep when I took her to the vet. My Snookie had over 10 month of fighting cancer and cushings disease. So I know the pain and heartbreak. Your post made me cry as I read how bad your baby was. You did what was best for your baby but it just hurts so much. Please come and share your feeling with us. We know what you are going through.
Ann

Dear Audrey,

I'm so very sorry for the sudden loss of your precious Jasmine. You're on the beginning end of this sad journey and it is so difficult, but you will get through it. I'm sure your students will understand your sadness Monday when you return to school. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you strength. Everyone here is so kind and caring, so come to read and post often.

Thinking of you and Bailey, too.

Lynn

I am just so overwhelmed with all of your kind words. Thank you SO much. I can feel you all reaching out to me over the span of webspace. Would it be silly for me to say how unbelievable it is that we as strangers can reach out to each other in this time of need. Thank you all for sharing your own stories..I've read a lot of them in different threads. I've felt so alone in the past few days...feeling that my pain was SO personal and private that no one could understand, not even other pet owners. But coming here has helped me to see how not true that is.
Yesterday was a bad day...I spent most of it alone, in bed crying. Bailey was depressed too. Probably my fault, as he picks up on my feelings. That of course illicits guilt which further feeds the spiral of sadness and pain.
Today, so far, I feel okay. It's sunny out and Bailey keeps looking out the window. I think I might try for a walk with him. It'll only be the second one without Jasmine. But I have to do it for her, because if she was still around, she would DEMAND we go out for a walk. She was that kind of dog. If any of you know the personality of a German Shorthair, well...that was her. I don't have any pics in my computer of her. I'll have to find someone with a scanner. I got professional pics taken at Xmas time of the two of them. She looks so beautiful in it. Speaking of pics, I've been panicked the past few days...I never took enough pics of her! And I don't have any really of ME and her! I always kept saying, this year I need to take some nice pics of me and the dogs. Too late now. I'll do with Bailey I guess...but I'll never have the nice shot of me and Jasmine.
I wrote a thank you card to the emergency vet today. I wanted to thank them for all their hard work and compassion from the other night. It was hard to write.
Next month Bailey is due for his annual exam. I plan on asking the vet what kind of tests we can do so that I know he's okay for sure.
Thanks again everyone for reading this and helping me. I hope I can return the favor in time to others.

Hello Audrey,
Reading your story about Jasmine broke my heart, as well.
Thank goodness you were home with her and able to do get her to the vet.

I lost my Esabella in a moments notice it seemed. Like Jazzy........she was fine then all of a sudden she had breathing difficulties and I rushed her to the animal hospital. Hours later..........she passed on.

I share your feelings and sorrow.

Please know that though it doesn't seem like you will make it without Jazzy......... you will. The loss of a dear loved one is beyond words in description. Each day is different in feeling the loss and adjusting to live without that love. I have traveled each day where you are going ........as everyone here. Together.........we care and will support you.

My deepest sympathy.

Sincerely,

Litebrez

Thank you Litebrez. It means a lot...truly.
Hit a new thought today. I have to do laundry today...but somehow I don't want to wash my comforter where she lay moments before I took her to vet. Is that betraying her?
I don't want to clean the dog hair off my backseat where she lay when I took her to vet. Her hair was so short that it was impossible for me take a clump before I left the vet.
I don't want to vacuum up the rug. (I know that sounds like I'm living in filth..but I think you know what I mean.) I feel like I'd be erasing her. I haven't been able to put her food bowl or sweater away yet. I can tell you I'm NEVER washing that! Her fur is all over it!
So far Bailey has been chewing on all the toys...they never really had their own so I guess that's good.

What you're feeling is perfectly normal. It took me a long time before I could wash my comforter. Honestly, I still have some Shiloh nose smudges in my car. It's been 6 months and I can't bear the thought of washing them away.

Thinking of you,
Kathleen

Thanks Kathleen.
Yeah I have nose prints in my car and on the windows in my house.
Yesterday was a better day. I actually did some "normal" things. I play in a community band and I went to rehearsal last night...more like forced myself to. My boyfriend is the conductor so atleast he was there too. A lot of people knew what happened, some didn't. I found myself distancing myself from people whenever they asked "how are you". I'd just nod and look away...a silent message not to talk to me about it. I feel bad pushing people away but I just don't want to have a meltdown in public. At the end of night when a few people who didnt' know, asked why I wasn't smiling all night...I just said, "I have my reasons." Then my boyfriend went and told them. I shot him a look. And its' in that split second after you tell people, where you're not sure what the reaction will be. I braced myself for stupid comments, but everyone was sympathetic. It was all I could do not cry. The pain is personal I almost feel like I don't want to tell anymore people. Tomorrow will be hard because I go back to work and I know my students will say something. I assume they know, because I told my co-worker last week he could tell them if he wanted...might make it easier for me. I have seniors in high school and they're very caring and I know they'll probably make me cry. We'll see....
Hope everyone has a happy Easter if you celebrate it. My thoughts are with you all.

Hi, Audrey-

I know my first few days back at school were very difficult. My students (I have mostley 10th graders) knew how important Shiloh was to me, so I opted not to tell them about her passing for at least a month. Then, about 3 months after she died, I had my students do a project on various kinds of cancer found in animals. I told them that their projects were part of my healing process and I wanted them to dedicate the project to Shiloh. 10th graders are usually not known for their kindness, but my students did great and were so very sweet about the project. I told them that if this project inspired just one person to become a veterinarian, veterinarian oncologist, or a people oncologist, Shiloh's life would have a major impact on generations to come.

Good luck tomorrow. You'll be in my thoughts.
Kathleen

That's a really sweet idea. I do teach one class of 10th graders (Biology) so I can relate. The rest of my classes are Seniors (Enviro). Like I said, I think they know, but I'll find out for sure tomorrow. I don't think I could hide it if I tried honestly...but we'll see.

Hi Audrey-
You feelings are perfectly normal. It took me a long time to wash anything of Indy's. In fact, his pillow and favorite blanket are exactly as he left them. I moved them to a guest room so I wouldn't have to look at them but I am just not ready to wash and pack them away.
Indy suffered from chronic illness and I was very close to my vet and her staff. Yet it took me almost 8 weeks before I could return and bring the gifts and thank you cards I had for them.
There is something inside us that lets us know when we are ready for new milestones. We all seem to progress at a slightly different pace. So don't vacuum your rug or wash away noseprints until something deep in your heart lets you know the time is right.
Thinking of you.
Fran

Dear Audrey,
I am so sorry to hear of the sudden loss of your baby Jasmine. I had my little girl Hannah put to sleep almost one year ago, and the pain and missing her still overwhelm me at times. There is never a good way to lose them, no easy way to let go, I know. Just remember that Jasmine had a beautiful life with you, and you were so lucky to have each other. Jasmine was loved and when you think of that, I hope it will bring you some peace and comfort, although I understand totally that is almost impossible to come by for any length of time.

I am glad you seem to have some support with your boyfriend and some of the other people in your life -- and that you have Bailey. I had a little bird named Babe too, but after Hannah died, I just missed Hannah so and I was so despondent -- I thought I would have lots of time with Babe, but then I adopted an 8-year old poodle from the shelter three months after Hannah's death, and the poodle killed my little bird. It certainly reminded me that we must love those who are still in our lives while we can. So, now I still have the poodle and a little kitty, but often I find myself still missing little Hannah so much that I don't feel like I appreciate them enough even now. It's so darned hard sometimes, I know. It takes time, but things will get better.

Try to take care of yourself and keep coming here and talking about your feelings. We've all been there and I know there are others here on this board now who are right where you are -- in the very beginning of this sad, sad, sad journey. I don't come on the site so much anymore. It just brings all of the pain and the memory of Hannah's last day back to me and, of course, my heart just breaks for everyone when I read their stories and SO understand the feelings.

I am sorry you didn't get good pictures of you and Jasmine, but happy you got their Xmas pictures. For SIXTEEN years, I meant to get Hannah's Xmas picture taken with Santa, and I NEVER did. That just makes me so sad. Every year, I'd see the sign or read an ad about the photos with Santa, and I would think, "I better do it this year. It might be the last time I'll be able to" -- but I never did.

Oh, I put my clothes, the blanket I took Hannah to the vet on and some other things from that day and put them into plastic bags where they still are. I also had a cashmere coat from the week before that has some little saliva (sp?) marks from Hannah on it, and I will never wear that coat again because I do not want to have it cleaned, ever. And the sleeping not at all, or too much, and the not eating, I can certainly relate. I also met with a couple of counselors too. It helped some, but I so wish we had a support group in this area. I hope you find one there. Muffins/Denise may know if there's a group up that way. When you do "clean up" the hair, try to save enough of it to put in a locket or something.

Keep coming here and reading the old posts. That really helped me a lot and, of course, everyone here is so understanding, so kind and it's really pretty incredible to see that there are so many people who do understand and care.
You and Bailey and Jasmine will be in my prayers tonight.
Love,
Marcia

Dear Audrey,

I know how precious Jazzy must have been to you, and I'm so, so sorry that you lost her. My heart just breaks for you. I know exactly how you're feeling having lost her so suddenly. It is a horrible, devestating blow when a dog gets sick so quickly and the next thing you know, they're gone.

Your story sounded so similar to my experience with my Allie. On Thursday the 10th, I came home from work and took Allie to the park. Everything seemed totally normal. She played with the other dogs and was her usual happy self. That night however, she started breathing heavily and she was droopy and "didn't look right" just as you said with Jazzy. Allie went and laid in the corner too, which is so unlike her. She was also hyper salivating. Did Jazzy have this symptom? We took Allie to the emergency vet place -she had started to cry in pain.

They x-rayed her and the x-ray showed an abornmal intestinal pattern. The symptoms she was showing were shock, because her organs were failing. As her condition progressed, the blood supply was cut off to her organs, and hemmoraging began. They had to do a blood transfusion. In the morning they still hadn't been able to stabilize her, but they opened her up anyway to try to figure out what was wrong. They discovered that her small intestine had begun to twist upon itself. There was nothing they could do and they had to put her to sleep. She had an extremely rare condition called mesenteric torsion. It is most common in large breeds, such as German Shepherds. Allie was only 30 lbs., but she did have a very deep chest, and that apparently made her somewhat prone to this disease, although the chances of it happening to her were still slim to none. There is no known way to prevent this condition. The dangerous effects of it come on very quickly, and by the time the dog shows symptoms, most of the damage has already been done. They haven't discovered yet what the causes are.

I'm not saying Jazzy didn't have cancer, but the way you described it I just had to tell you about my experience. The diagnosis helped me in some small way, to accept what happened to Allie with a little more ease. It just helps a little to know.

Again, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Take comfort in the fact that you gave Jazzy a beautiful life and you loved her and cared for her more than anyone could have. And you took her right away to the vet so you did everything that a good Mommy would have done. We are here for you and we know how hard this is. Post as often as you like. The people here are wonderfully understanding and supportive.

(((((Hugs))))))
Jenny

Marcia I don't even know what to say. But it sounds like you've been able to move past it and love the new dog, so for that I'm glad. Thank you so much for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers. Tonight will be the one week anniv. I know the crematory was scheduled to pick her up at the vet today.
It tore my heart out to leave Bailey today. He seemed SO sad when I was getting ready to leave. I left my stereo playing with a "soothing music for pets" CD (I got it for free years ago and ironically found it by accident in a drawer this weekend). I had it set to repeat the CD all day for him. When I got home, he was fine...hopefully he was fine all day. I'll never know I guess. The only blunder I did was when I came home I was distracted by my mail and I said "c'mon baby girl, let's go outside" Then I quickly said "oh, I mean baby boy" Ugh.

Jenny,
Wow you are so right...the symptoms are practically the same!! No, Jasmine was not salivating that night. I only remember because at one point I opened her mouth just to make sure nothing was wrong with her mouth or stuck in her throat.
I suppose since I didn't have an autopsy done I'll never know the real truth. The vet did mention to me that night that bloat and twisting intestines are common in barrel-chested dogs, which she definitely was...but she didn't feel it was that because she wasn't swollen at all. And mostly that comes on after vigorous exercise I believe? Jazzy was sleeping on the couch next to me right before she started to feel ill. But who knows...I just couldn't bear the thought of someone cutting her open. Perhaps that was a quick judgement on my part due to me being so distraught at the time. I have to just trust what the vet said and move on.
Honestly, I believe she had some sort of tumor because she developed a lot of fatty lumps on her as she aged. She had surgery 2 summers ago to remove one from her neck and a couple from her mammary glands. They said it was just fat deposits but we'd keep an eye on her. Since the surgery she had develped a few more...a couple were pretty prominent. I always worried that one of them wouldn't be fat. I don't believe my vet would NOT run tests if they suspected something. But to be honest, next month when I take Bailey in for annual exam, I'm going to inquire about what kind of tests are out there to see if he has anything hidden. He has recently develped a small fatty lump in his lower neck...it feels the same as Jazzy and I'm not going to panic yet. I'm going to have them do a quick biopsy and like I said, do whatever tests are necessary.
The rest of your post made me cry (hell, everyone's did). I've successfully put my feelings in a jar over the past 2 days and have focused on living again. I'm sure it's only temporary though. Going back to work was okay. My students were very careful not to mention anything. A few of them asked "how are you doing." I put on a small smile and said "okay thanks". I'm glad they didn't flood me with sympathy. I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I also found I was able to leave my pic of her and Bailey up on my desk. I thought I might have to put it away, but I was okay. Once I get that pic scanned, I think you'll all see why...she looks so pretty and honest in it. It's comforting in a way.
Thanks again everyone for your support.

Hi Audrey, I'm so sorry about Jasmine. Reading your post just broke my heart, I cried from start to finish. What an awful experience to go through. Your experience sounded so familiar to my own. I lost Teddy unexpectedly 4 days ago, so I know the shock and disbelief that you go through. One minute he was with us and perfectly fine, the next he was gone. I have never myself experienced grief this deep before, so I can't even try to tell you what is "normal" or what to expect, but I can say that like you, sometimes I feel numb, other times I can't stand the pain. I teach also, and will be returning to school tomorrow. I'm dreading it.
I am so glad Jasmine had a person who cared for her as much as you obviously do. Take care of yourself and Bailey. You are in my thoughts.

Thank you...I read about Teddy in your other thread. I'm so terribly sorry.
Going back to work wasn't quite as bad as I thought. I dreaded getting up this morning, dreaded getting ready, dreaded going into the building, dreaded going into my class....but once the kids started coming in, it wasn't so bad. Like I said before in another post, they weren't all over me with sympathy...I guess it shows that they truly understand the depth of my pain. Luckily I was so busy today that the day flew by. It looks like the next couple of weeks will be crazy too and then FINALLY April vacation will be here. You'll get through it....just focus on what needs to be done.

Hi, Audrey-

I'm glad that your first day back to school went well. I remember when Shiloh first died, I looked forward to being at school...it gave my emotions a little break from my deep grieving. It was the ride to work and the ride home that were so difficult.

You continue to be in my thoughts.
Kathleen

PS-I teach biology too

Thanks Kathleen.
Wow I've posted on here a few times today, feeling pretty strong for once.
Now, as I type this....it was one week ago tonight...it started about this time. I was going to bed...she was fine...then not. My stomach has suddenly knotted up. Sorta unexpected...but not because I've read how so many people on here have reacted to anniversary days. Guess I was in denial.

Audrey-

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby Jasmine. I overwhelmed by your story and am so sorry that you and your precious little one had to experience that. I lost my chocolate lab Lucy on February 4th. She had lymphoma, same as Kathleen's dog Shiloh and was also 5 years old when she died. It took me awhile to find the courage to post, but it helped so much.

Everything you wrote about the way you were/ are feeling was and still is so familiar to me. We received Lucy's diagnosis in January then lost her in February. I went through shock, sickness, denial, devestation, you name it. At first I didn't want to eat, but gradually that passed. I also distanced myself from people, even though most of them were well meaning. I couldn't relate to anyone who wasn't suffering as much as I was at the time. To be honest, I am still in a place where I am not terribly social, as it was such a traumatic event, and I feel that recovering is an ongoing process.

It's funny how many of us are in the educational field. I work part time at a school as a speech therapist and I didn't think I could bear going back to work, but as Kathleen said, it was somehow a little therapeutic to give my emotions a little bit of "down-time." I even told a couple of my students and they were really supportive.

When we found out that Lucy was sick, I told my husband that I never wanted to get another dog because the pain of losing Lucy was so intense. As it turns out, we found out about a dog that was going to be put down at a local shelter that looked a lot like Lucy. I know you are never supposed to try and replace your lost pet, and I don't think we did that, but something about this dog drew me to him. To make a long story short, we adopted him. I thought he was at least part lab because he looked so much like Lucy, but he is actually a German Shorthair Pointer mix. I am learning many new things about this breed and while "Fergus" is no Lucy, I wouldn't expect him to be. He is a different animal, but he is bringing joy to our lives and helping us deal with the grief of losing Lucy. Somehow, I think she would approve of us opening our home to a dog that truly needed it.

I know what a painful time this must be for you...I am thinking of you, Bailey and your beloved Jasmine. I light a candle every week for Lucy, it helps me feel like her spirit and memory live on...sometimes a little ritual like that helps with the grieving process. Take care of yourself...

Caroline

Hi Audrey --
It's like that . . . one minute feeling sort of okay and then . . . all of a sudden . . . the bottom falls out and you fall to pieces all over again. I still do it sometimes almost one year later. So, I've been on this site for almost a year now, and it's pretty much been the same for almost all of us. Hang in there, sweetie. You have a very long way to go and many more tears to cry, I expect -- but things will get better gradually. It won't always, continuously feel so unbearable.

By the way, I did pretty much pack Maggie (the poodle) up that night and was going to take her to some friends or something, but I realized that she didn't mean to kill my precious little bird. I blamed myself, of course -- I was right there in the next room trying to find a poem to post for Hannah's 3-month anniversary. Babe was singing one minute on top of his cage, which I had placed high up in the center of a table -- the next minute he was screaming . . . Maggie didn't understand what she had done. When I adopted Maggie, I felt so sad for her. I told her I knew she had lost someone she loved and that I had too. So . . . yes, now I do love little Maggie. She's a good little dog, really. She just can't be around birds!

I adopted a little feral cat a few months ago too. They are wonderful to have, and they both welcomed me today when I got home. No one will ever take the place of my tiny little Hannah girl though -- not ever -- but there are so many little animals out there who need love and good homes. So I want to do my part and try to help and, of course, they do help me too. It's awfully lonely without my Hannah, but it would be even worse if I didn't have Maggie and Sophie, even though still I hardly ever look at them or touch them without thinking of Hannah. They are a constant reminder of the precious little girl that is no longer in this world with me. I sometimes slip and call Maggie Hannah too and I actually have called Sophie "Phoebe," who was my kitty and Hannah's kitty who lived to be 17.

I am glad things went well at school today. I know this is a really rough night for you. I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts. -- I'm really looking forward to seeing the photos of your baby!
Love,
Marcia

Caroline....a GSP mix?? Since both my dogs are GSP's (well past-tense for Jasmine I guess), I can tell you anything you want to know about the breed! Especially since Jazzy was the typical crazy independent GSP and Bailey is the slower-moving clingy snuggle bug GSP. So I know both extremes! I also recently started volunteering for GSP Rescue of New England. In time, it's my hope I'll be strong enough to give a great life to another GSP...for Jazzy. She would want that I think. Email me or PM me if you want to talk more about GSP's!
Marcia, thanks for sharing all that. And thanks for thinking of me last night. I went to bed shortly after that post, although I admit I was almost paralyzed with fear. I felt like I was re-living it all over again. I was so afraid that Bailey would go outside and then come in and collapse. Needless to say, I slept like crap...I kept waking up every hour. At one point, I awoke with a start, looked over and thought Jasmine was sleeping next to me. When I reached out, I realized it was just my other pillow.
Today was better at work. Actually, one of my classes bought me a card and they all signed it. It was so sweet and they wrote such beautiful things. I got it in my school mailbox this morning and naturally it made me cry. That class meets last in the day so I had all day to prepare a little thank you speech. Then, as I started talking....I got choked up with emotion. Teaching high school, you don't usually get gifts or stuff from your students. So the fact that one of them went and bought me a card is so special to me.
I will work on getting some pics scanned for you guys.

Audrey, I'm so sorry for your loss. As I read your posts, it was scary how similar our stories are. Nikki was "my" first dog when I got out of the Police Academy. I had her for eight wonderful years and then she was ripped from us. We had no idea that anything was wrong until about two days before her death. The vets at the hospital that I've been going to for 26 years (since I was a child) took a sample of the fluid in Nik's chest and found that she was bleeding also. They did do exploritory surgery, however, and found that her liver and pancreas were destroyed by cancer. She died in my arms two days after entering the hospital. And I, too, have another dog at home. I completely understand. Two sets of everything, but only one dog. I 've gone through the house and collected all of Nik's toys and placed them in a box. I can't bring myself to throw them away, but don't know what to do with them. Kasha won't touch them, as if out of respect for her late sister. Anyhow, know that you are certainly not alone in your pain and that we are all here for support. The people on this site have been such a source of comfort to me in the past two weeks. I'm not generally good with words and I'm still very early in the grieving process myself, but I hope to be able to return the favor someday. Take care of yourself and again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Dawn

Thanks Dawn. I've been following your story in your posts and I also feel your pain. Your Nikki was beautiful.
Isn't it funny how so many of us have similar experiences? I feel like your story further confirms the vet's diagnosis of Jasmine's condition. All the roads lead back to cancer. Aren't dog's amazing that they never let on that something is wrong? They truly are incredible creatures.
Bailey has been playing with all the toys in the house because they never really segregated their stuff. Part of that was probably due to the fact that Jasmine was SO dominant and she would take what she wanted and Bailey was so submissive to her that he just let her. Poor guy. LOL There was only one toy that she absolutely LOVED and he never really cared about so it doesn't surprise me that he ignores it now.
This aside, I took Bailey to the pet store last night to get some more food. I usually didnt' take them both that often because they'd be a handful in there...Jasmine pointing at the guinea pigs and Bailey lunging for the toys. LOL But last night I took him and spoiled him ROTTEN! I got him a new stuffed toy that he loves...for some reason he loves this green pepper that grunts. LOL I also got him a new smoked bone. He has 3 others but they're wearing down and Jasmine chewed them too so it's probably best he get a new one of his own. THe girl at the register loved him and when I told her I had just lost Jasmine, she felt so bad she bagged up those free treats they keep on the counter for the dogs! LOL
Anyway, I think I'm in the denial stage. I've been able to tell people at work what specifically happened with Jasmine and not get choked up. It feels like a dream and another life.

I feel sad today...nothing in particular sparked it...I just woke up this way. I just finished a short cry session as I was reading other people's posts. I miss her a lot today.

Dear Audrey,

I was just reading your last two posts and I remembered how I felt in the days that followed Shiloh's passing. Like you, I remember it feeling like a dream, or something that really didn't happen. My vet is only about a mile from my house and until I got Shiloh's ashes back, when I'd drive by her office, I'd think that Shiloh was there. Getting her ashes back was like the first big step in accepting the fact that Shiloh had died.

The first few weeks and months are so hard...you'll have good days and think that you're doing really well, then out of the clear blue sky, you'll have a really bad day. I remember doing really well for a while, and then about 3 months after Shiloh died, I had a major set back and laid on the floor where Shiloh used to lay and just sobbed. All of that to say, this grief thing is a long process...you'll have good days and bad days, but as time goes by the good days will out number the bad days.

Hang in there,
Kathleen

Thank you Kathleen. Yeah, yesterday was one of those days. I cried alot last night. I kept looking at her pic and saying to her "I'm sorry I couldn't save you." Needless to say I'm not sleeping well at all. This morning you could count the bag under my eyes. I finally scanned in the pic I had done of them Nov-Dec 2004. Jazzy is on the right. You can kinda tell because she's doing her primadonna look. She was such the queen. I miss her pretty face.
And Bailey, well, he's just a big goofball.

Dear Audrey,

What a beautiful picture of Jazzy and Bailey. They're so perfectly posed We all go through the denial stage when we lose our precious pets. It's easier than facing the reality of it all. But eventually we have to do that and it's so hard. It does seem like a strange dream without our furry friends in our lives. Hang in there and know that this emotional rollercoaster you're on is all part of the process.

Lynn

Audrey- wow...they are a beautiful pair. You can tell from Jazzy's eyes that she had a lot of character. What a nice picture to remeber her by. I am sure that Bailey is taking it hard too. Today is 8 weeks exactly that Lucy passed. I miss her so much.

Fergus is fitting in nicely with our family. He is almost all chocolate brown, with a white frecled patch on his chest. He has a lot of energy which I hear is typical of the GSP breed. Unfortunately, we can't let him off leash to run in a field or dog park because he will just take off and we would never be able to catch him. He doesn't come when he is called outside of the house. We have enrolled him in obedience classes and hopefullay he will learn to mind us off leash a little better. In the house he is perfect. I guess after being locked up in a shelter, he craves the freedom of running and exploring. He is a beautiful dog and I am excited to learn more about the breed...There seem to be so many GSPs that need homes around here (in Northern California). I wish I could take them all...

You will have your bad days and your better days, and after awhile, you will actually have "good" days again too. It is a difficult process that I still struggle with. Lucy's 6th birthday is coming up next week, and I know that will be a hard day for me to get through...

Take care of yourself...Caroline

Thank you Lynn. Yeah, it took a lot of rearranging and shifting but I finally managed to get them side by side and I had to help the camera guy get their attention. Jasmine kept looking away like "Ho, hum." LOL So I stood right behing the lens and said "wanna cookie?" and that worked. It was total luck that they both ##ed their head in the same direction.
And thank you Caroline. Yes, when I look at this pic, it's her eyes that get me. My sister always said "When Jasmine looks at you, she's looking right down to your soul!" She was very intense and intellegent. You can see in Bailey's eyes he's a bit more silly. Jasmine also had some of my own facial expressions believe it or not. LOL
Yes, GSP's need to run and they crave freedom, especially ones that are in shelters. A GSP in a shelter is worse than jail for them. And unless they are well trained, you can't fully trust them off-leash because if they see something they perceive as prey, they take off. That was a great idea to sign up for obedience. They are pretty good with that...although Jasmine was super stubborn at times. It took me a long time to wean her off the leash. I was always SOOOO lucky though...because 90% of the time in a field she would come back. A few times she ran off if there was a distraction, like birds, etc. For the past 7 yrs, I have been taking them in the woods on the hiking trails...safe from any roads and cars. They amazed me how fast they learned the trails and never left my sight for more than a few min. They would run ahead but always come back. Bailey learned from her. They really don't like being too far from their owners. The one thing that took me a while to learn was that Jazzy always knew where I was, even if I didn't know where she was. I had to learn to trust her. I would say the only time she really blatently ignored me was on the beach. For some reason she used to bark at the waves. She would let them hit her and she would bite at them. When I tried to get her out of the water, she would ignore me. TOTALLY. I would get so mad! And this is a dog who HATED water...even rain. But if there were waves, forget it.
So I guess what I'm saying is that go with the lessons, stick with it and it will all work out.

Well it's been 2 weeks today....or it will be tonight. I cried myself to sleep last night. I tried to "talk" to Jasmine as I was laying there, but it just hurt so much. I don't feel her around me at all. But then again, another thought occurred to me. When I imagined her spirit around me, I suddenly felt afraid. I don't know why. So maybe that's why I dont' feel her? I'm afraid to? Does that make sense?
I called the vet today to make Bailey's annual appt for 2 weeks. It was harder than I thought it would be....to only make an appt for ONE dog. I told the receptionist that I wanted to spend some time talking to my vet about what happened to Jasmine. So I told her to make sure they had all the records from the emergency vet. I just think I'll feel better talking to him about it. And also maybe find out if we can test Bailey for anything "hidden".
I found a professional pic of Jasmine I had taken when she was 7 months old. Even then she had intense look...and she looks like such a baby! They really do change like kids do. I'll see if I can scan that in for you all, and also some other ones I have around.
Hope everyone is doing well.

I just wanted to post again today....it's 2 weeks right NOW. It makes my stomach tighten up still. Yet at the same time, it feels like another lifetime. I'll probably cry again tonight in bed. I can't help it. I wish I could kiss her head one more time. Her ears were as soft as velvet. My favorite spot to kiss was on her temple. She would lean her head into me when I was loving her. I miss her energy. I keep playing with Bailey and walking him and trying to be normal. It still rips my heart out every time I leave the house and have to leave him alone. He gives me that sad look and I just want so badly to run back in the house and back into bed instead of going to work.
Speaking of work...I have this HUGE festival I'm organizing for next week and I've barely started working on it. I just have no motivation for work or much of anything. Life just seems so blah now. I almost feel like I'm lying to Bailey...trying to pretend like our life is good and happy.
Coming here helps me so much....to know that people actually care and have taken the time to read my posts. It helps more than you know. My closest friends here have barely shown me any sympathy. I'm a bit shocked to tell you the truth. Anyone who knows me, nevermind my CLOSEST friends, knows how much my dogs mean to me. How much I sacrificed for them. Never going away on overnight trips...always having to go home first from work to take care of them before going out with my friends. They always came first. ALWAYS. Hell, I've barely taken a long vacation in the past 8 yrs. And yet not one of my friends here has even given me a sympathy card??? I got one from my sister and my dad/stepmother. IMy students gave me a beautiful one. I even got one from my vet!! So I guess I'm shifting into some of the anger part of grief. Angry that Jasmine is gone, and angry that while verbally people showed support in the first few days, hardly anyone has made that extra effort. Am I being selfish?? I could cry right now as I write this.
Like I said, thank you all SO MUCH for caring enough about me to read this. I'll be forever grateful.

When we suffer so much; it is so difficult dealing with the silence. I need support and You as well. Sometimes the internet can be silent to me . In the early moments of grief and loss it is so dark. Paulina is having much suffering and grief over the loss of Ollie. We also found some suprises about who was really there for you. And also not many could really feel your pain and grief for you.I can only hope that the lives of our loved pets and the times we spent together will shine from our hearts.

Tory&Paulina

I just joined this forum tonight and already I've seen so much consideration and compassion here. We are all here because we love animals. You have a gift of words; when I read your first post, it felt like it was happening to me. My cat was elderly when he died last November. It was something that I knew would happen and could anticipate. Not that THAT made it easier. But to be happy with your pet at your side one minute, and the next minute in a frenzy at the vet's office, and then BAM, your angel is gone. I don't know what I would do in that situation.

Anger is a natural part of the process, so I'm told. And because here there is so much sympathy and support, it contrasts greatly if elsewhere in our lives people -- especially people who know us well -- don't even give us the consideration that virtual strangers here at this site do. I don't know what to say about that.

Dear Audrey,

Those who don't love animals as we do simply can't understand what we go through when we lose them. Only true pet lovers can can understand the pain. It's not that your friends don't care about you. They just don't know what you're feeling right now. I'm glad your students understand and your sister, dad and stepmother, too. That must have made you feel better. You either feel the way we all do here or you don't. I don't think there's any "in between". Thank goodness for LS.

Hang in there. It will get better.

Lynn

Thank you Lynn. You're right....it's just hard, as I know you know. Perhaps when I'm in a better place emotionally I can communicate to my friends my feelings of disappointment. All I can do now is be grateful to those who have shown compassion.

Joni...welcome to LS. And thank you for your post. Yes this place is amazing in how much we support each other. I hope you continue to come here and share your stories about your baby.

Tomorrow is my 4 week, or one month, anniv. I think I prefer to say 4 weeks. I'm not ready for the "month" thing.
I don't have a lot of time to post right now, but I will (hopefully) tomorrow. I've had a very busy week and haven't been able to post here much in the past few days. I've been going through a gamut of emotions and thoughts.
I took Bailey to a park today where TONS of people go with their dogs. It's not a dog park but it sort of is unofficially. It's funny because there's a sign that says "All dogs must be on leashes." THen you look past the sign, to the big open area and every dog is running around off-leash. LOL I knew about this place for years, but never took them there because Jasmine was unpredictable. She HAD to be the alpha of the pack. And if someone jumped on her she would totally pin them down on their back and make this horrible growl noise that sounded worse than it was. Jasmine was a SWEET dog but she was dominant. Thankfully never to the point where she hurt another dog, but sometimes you just don't know how other dog owners will respond to that type of behavior. And also, she would take a ball and not give it back to the other dog. So I never bothered with going there. Well, today I took Bailey. I felt he needed some playtime with other dogs. I was nervous and hesitated to let him off-leash. But I trusted him and he was fine. He played for a while, then played frisbee with me for a few min. He wiped out twice trying to catch it (he is so clumbsy sometimes!) and then he didn't really want to play anymore. We stayed for maybe an hour and left. It was a good day overall and I will take him there again. I want him to have fun again and make new friends.
Actually I had one of those moments today where you see something of the dog you lost, that you haven't seen in a while. I have those electronic collars for them. I used them to train them off-leash and then I kept using them just as a back-up. I rarely had to use them except if I had to get them back ASAP. I had it on "tone" mode and it would only put out a slight shock if they didn't come after the tone sound. THey always did when they heard the tone. Well I decided to use Bailey's today, being the first day out in a new park. I opened the case where they are kept, and of course there's 2 of them. Jasmine was Dog 1 and Bailey is Dog 2. Looking at her bright yellow collar, still dirty from the last time we used it...probably last year on the beach sometime. Some of her hair was on it. Dog 1. That's what she was...my first. I wound up not even using Bailey's. He was SOOO good I didn't need to. I'm so blessed that he learned good off-leash manners from her. I was proud of him today. So I bought him a pig ear (which he just partially threw up before I started typing this. LOL)
Anyway, just wanted to share my day. I'll post more tomorrow...maybe share more about Jasmine on her anniv. Oh, and another thing coming up....her bday is next Sunday the 24th. I'm sure that will take its toll on me too.
Thanks for reading!!

Four weeks ago, I lost my love, my babygirl. She was the best of me and I can't believe it's been a month. I tried to picture her today: running, looking at me with her inquisitive face (see pic under my name). I remembered how soft her ears were, and how she would mush her face into my chest when she wanted her neck massaged. It hit me all over again that I will never touch her again, nor will I see her intense facial expressions.
I just got back from Bailey's annual vet visit. It was harder than I thought it would be. Walking in there without Jasmine for the first time, I started crying in the waiting area. When my vet came into the exam room, he took the time to discuss what had happened to Jasmine, and confirmed that yes, it definitely was a hidden tumor on her spleen or liver that suddenly burst. He said it was quite common and there was nothing I could have done. He was very compassionate about how hard it is to lose them so fast, but also tried to help me be glad that she did not suffer. He said that when something like that happens, they don't suffer, they just get disoriented and sleepy...and that's what happened. Although I know she was a little scared, I can only hope that my touch and words brought her some comfort before we left the house. I am only sorry that I was driving during her last moments. I am sorry, Jazzy, that I wasn't holding you.
Bailey's check-up was fine. He has 2 small fatty lumps. Jasmine had them too but they're non-harmful. The biopsy came back as all fatty tissue. So that's a relief.
I took Bailey to the park earlier today. I'm trying to get him to play with other dogs and be a dog again. He played some, but he always looked at me like "Is it okay, mom, that I play?" Hopefully with time he'll play more.

I don't have any other pics scanned of Jasmine but I'll try soon. I have to find her puppy pics and any others I took along the way. How I wish I took more, especially of me and her. I hardly have any. Today at the park I took some of Bailey running around. I don't want to make that mistake again.

Jasmine was born on April 24, 1995. I got her in Sept. 1995, Labor Day weekend. I had just graduated college and I was working at a pet store until I could find a more permanent job....and that's where I met her. She was 4 months old. Something about her immediately caught me. She would stare at me whenever I was near her. I read up on GSP's and realized I would have my hands full. But I told my mom (whom I was living with at the time) that there was something about this dog. So, I got her.
She was immediately a handful. She would race around the house, tearing up things. I didn't originally crate her and what a mistake that was! Over the course of a few months she tore apart a couch, and chewed the molding off 2 walls/doorways! She was crazy! So I started to crate her and she was much better. I took her to obedience school and decided to train her for competition. We trained for a year and she did many shows. She never got a title though because this dog was STUBBORN. She would never do the recall in the ring (come to me). That is an automatic disqualification! So after months of this, I gave it up. It was too costly, both emotionally and financially. But Jasmine's advanced training always made a difference. When she aged a bit, she was well mannered whenever we went somewhere. And it helped to influence Bailey, whom we got 2 yrs later. The only title she was able to get was the Canine Good Citizen one. Now, this is ironic because Jasmine was so NOT well-behaved when no one was home. Even up until the day she died, I would come home to find paper or whatever all over the house that she stole from the trash. This dog was sneaky. Sometimes she would do it when I was home, just to show me she could.
When I tell you this dog was SMART, I do not exaggerate. Jasmine understood the word "revenge". If I did something she didn't like, she would get back at me somehow. She had the ability to pick-pocket, she could distract you enough so that then she would go and steal whatever she had her mind set on. Many people don't believe me when I tell tales of her, but it's TRUE. So you see, I always had to stay one step ahead of my dog. LOL Needless to say, while I loved her with all my soul, she also tired me out. It was like having a toddler. Whenever I was leaving, I would have to make sure anything on the end tables was put up higher. She loved to chew pens, go figure. I couldn't leave anything out.
Bailey is the opposite...he never touches ANYTHING. Amazing how a breed has certain characteristics, but also can vary so much. Bailey is a piece of cake compared to her.
Jasmine was affectionate when SHE wanted to be. If she wanted to be pet, she would come to you, and then demand it. If you started to scratch her chest (her favorite), and you stopped, she would grab your hand with her paw and put it back. She would also give you this look like "well???"
I could go on forever but I think you get the point. She was spoiled, and she acted it. My sister always said that she has never seen a dog that has facial expressions like Jasmine. She said that when Jasmine looked at you, she looked through you down to your soul. She even had some of MY expressions. Like when I said "Wanna go bye-byes?" I would look at her with my eyes wide and eyebrows raised, like I was excited. She would do it back to me. It always made me laugh.
One of my favorite stories of Jasmine is the one I put in another part of this forum. She loved butternut squash. I have no idea why but she did. So you can imagine at Thanksgiving time or in the Fall, she would go nuts. Well, one December, after Thanksgiving, my mom had made it fresh. She threw out the rinds and put them in the trash, and then put it outside. We got a blizzard the next 2 days and with the snow drifts it was 3 feet in some places...including over the trash. Jasmine walked off the porch onto the snow drift and DUG through the snow, ripped open the bag and grabbed the rinds. We didn't realize it until she came in and spit out the rind. UNREAL!
That Thanksgiving actually, she snuck up on the counter, and started to eat my mom's blueberry pie. We moved it to the laundry room off the kitchen and she snuck in there and did it again! So now I had a pie with a hole in the middle!! My sister loves blueberry pie so I had to make up a lie and say that something fell onto it and made the hole!!! LOL
Then after we were eating the pie, my neice left her seat and had left a little pie on her plate. Next thing we know, Jasmine hops up on the chair and starts chowing down on the rest of the pie!!! I was mortified! My sister quickly realized the "lie" and flipped out. LOL!!! Oh well!!
Well, I suppose that's enough for now. I'll post more as I think of things and/or as I find my pics.
Thanks for reading everyone!

PS. I do have more to write about, pertaining to some recent feelings about getting another dog, but I'll hold off for now.

Dear Audrey, When I saw your avatar picture I thought it was a picture of a picture of dogs on it. I had no idea it was your babies. I told my husband I wondered where you got a wonderful painting like that. He said to ask you and usually I am one to ask anything but now I know it was your Jasmine and Bailey.

What a wonderful picture of them you could win a contest with that photo. Here I thought I was admiring a painting and it was your babies. I hope you go make a second post in the Memorials, Tributes, and Eulogies and put the larger picture in the Please Post Your Furbaby's Name Here. It is breathtaking.

I loved all your stories about Jasmine they were all just so precious and she was a little fiesty and so charming. And Audrey, the story of the blueberry pie, well it was just delicious, LOL, I loved it.
Love, Ann

Thanks Ann. If you scroll up within this thread, I did post the real picture (not as squished). I posted about Jasmine where you suggested, but I'll add the pic there as well.
Yes, I am SO grateful I had this portrait taken of them. I have an 8x10 here at home, a 5x7 at school, and a wallet in my wallet. In case you didn't know, Jasmine is on the right. You can kinda tell it's her because she's a bit smaller and she is looking rather intent, as opposed to Bailey, who's a big goofball. LOL

Dear Audrey,

Thanks for posting a little of Jasmine's history. She sounds like such a wonderful dog. I loved that she dug through the snow for squash rinds...what a cutie!

I'm thinking of you on Jasmine's 1 month anniversary.
Kathleen

Thank you Kathleen.

I posted this in the Cyber Shoulder area, because I have been talking to Sue about our furbabies coming to see us after they've passed. I was telling her that I have had no signs, and it was hurting me so much. But then something happened today....so I wanted to put my post in here too.

I got a sign today....and I'm a mess. LOL I can't stop crying.
I was out in the yard, looking at the dandelions that I mentioned in my post yesterday. It is so beautiful out today and I kept thinking how much Jasmine would have LOVED to be outside today.
So I stood quietly, and started talking to her. I walked over to the dandelions, and said "Is that you babygirl? Are you trying to cheer me up with flowers?" Then I walked away, and stood at another part of the yard. I took a deep breath and said "I miss you Babygirl...please give me a sign."
About 15 seconds later, I was looking down and I heard the sounds of a mourning dove's wings. That high pitch noise they make when they fly. I looked up and there was a mourning dove, sitting on the metal grapevine holder. I almost fell over. If you recall from my earlier post about the sign from my other dog, it was also a mourning dove. I have always believed these birds were signs.
So I started talking to it. I said "Is that you Jazzy? I miss you so much." The bird turned its head and looked at me. Then it started preening. Now, mourning doves are ground birds, they prefer to be on the ground, not perched. So I KNEW it was her. I started telling her that I loved her, and I missed her. I told her I was sorry that I wasn't the one who was holding her in her last moments. I told her I was so sad without her. Bailey was with me and I said to him, "Look, Jazzy came to see us." He sat down and looked up at me very calmly. Then I asked her if she was okay, and that I hoped she was. Then I said "Be free, Baby...run like you have wings...be free and happy and know that I will always love you and I'll see you again. Thank you for coming to me." The bird turned, and flew away.

Man, I'm a mess right now!!! I'm going out in a couple of hours to see Phantom of the Opera and I hope I can pull myself together!!
Thanks for helping me have faith, Sue. Maybe now she'll come see me more often.

So it's become painfully apparent that I am truly alone in my grief....with the exception of this forum, I guess.
My boyfriend of 2 yrs told me today that I've been negative lately. When I asked him to elaborate, he said there's nothing to elaborate on...he said nothing but negativeness has come out of me in the past week or so.
My reply to this was "Well, I think you know I've been having a really hard time lately." His reply was "Well how long is this going to last? I mean, I lost my grandmother in February but life goes on. You don't see me carrying on like this."
You can imagine my shock. I said "Well that's a real nice way to validate my feelings." And I left the table to cry quietly to myself. He still lives with his parents (long story...it sounds worse than it is....it was supposed to be temporary so he could save money for a house, which we are "supposed" to be going in that direction soon). So anyway, his mother was at the table when this all went down. We had just gotten some fresh lobster to eat. So after I composed myself, I sat back down and ate. Things smoothed over a bit, but I"m still really hurt and in shock. If he doesn't understand, who can I expect will? I can't express enough how it feels to have the person closest to me basically tell me to "get over it". I feel so alone right now, like no one understands or cares here. Needless to say this could uproot some serious issues for me and my boyfriend...the person I planned on spending my life with (we're not engaged yet). But I suppose this isn't the place to discuss that. And of course, my friends here haven't one asked me how I am doing.
I just felt like I had to come here...where I feel safe and my grief is accepted and not looked down on. I feel like this has set me back a lot in my recovery. I'm sorry to post such a sad post....I'm just so sad right now.

Audrey,

Oh my, I am just in shock too that your boyfriend would say that to you. I'm speechless. Have you told him that he has no business saying that? I don't know what to say except that you are totally right and justified to be incredibly mad and sad right now. I think you are a wonderful person and you are my "best LS friend!!!" And the fact that you are mourning over Jazzy right now is a testament to the kind of person you are, and if your boyfriend doesn't see that then, I'm sorry to say, he isn't truly deserving of you.

And by the way, I just now read your story about the mourning dove -OH WOW!!! Audrey, this brought tears to my eyes and I have actually never once cried over someone's post on here before. (I've started to tear up many times, but never a cry like this.) This is an amazing story and I'm so glad for you that it happened. Now you can truly know that Jazzy is free and happy and that she knows how much you love her.

Take care and write to me to let me know how you're doing.

Love,
Jenny