I lost my cat unexpectedly on New Year's Day and I am in so much pain, and still in shock. He was only ten and a half and I only had him for four years. He was my best friend, my life revolved around him. I'm struggling with intense guilt/remorse as he had a sudden breathing problem two days prior, I took him to the vet immediately and he got a medication, and then two days later - gone. I will never forget how it felt to come home from work, open the covers (he loved to sleep in my bed) and find him dead. Every time it comes back into my mind I feel stabbed in the heart. I had an autopsy done and they couldn't find the cause of death and so i had lab samples sent out, I find out tuesday if they show anything. i may, despite how much i loved him, not have been able to tell that he was ill until it was too late.

What hurts the most is that he didn't have the chance to get old, it just feels so WRONG, like this wasn't supposed to happen. Every so often the flashback of discovering his lifeless body, of realizing he was dead, hits me again and it is hellish.

I never took him for granted, I always played when he wanted to, bought him the best food and treats, I kissed him a hundred times a day and had two dozen names for him, he slept next to me every night, he followed me literally everywhere and I know that he loved me too. And yet I couldn't see that something was wrong. He had had some strange wheezing periodically for several months, I thought it was "reverse sneezing" and nothing to worry about. Now I wonder if it was a sign that I should have paid attention to. I can never forgive myself. Even though the autopsy showed his lungs were normal. The only possibly abnormal thing she found was a possible thickening in his heart and his pancreas looked somewhat strange. He had had irritation in his larynx and that's why the vet had given him a medication. He was too stiff for her to cut open higher and check his larynx area. But he was found in a sleeping position, with no signs of struggle.

The house is so quiet now. He was so beautiful and loving, he was so perfect for me. It seemed as if he was made for me. He had so many sweet quirks - he loved being warm and sleeping in the bed. In the mornings, he would get up when i did, i would make coffee while he ate his breakfast, and then we would sit in front of the heater together. He loved it blasting in his face! he loved sleeping with his head in or resting on my hands, and he loved to chew on my ear while purring, to roll on tissue paper, to sit at the window and cackle at birds. He had a unique purr - it had a high pitched vocal component to it. And so many other things. When I came home even from being gone one night, he "lectured" me with special meows and stayed extra close to me. Seeing his things - his dishes, his special castle-shaped scratcher, his toys shaped like desserts and birds, his litter box - it's excruciating. He was an orange tabby and was so orange, even his nose was orange, and he had a pigmented "freckle" in one of his green eyes. Riding in the car holding his body on the way to the vet is when my tears fell on his fur for the last time, and it made me think of all the other times I had been sad and lonely and he had comforted me. I hated being away from him for even a night. I've never had a connection to any other living creature like I did with him and it has been ripped from me out of the blue. I've struggled for many years with anxiety and more recently, depression, and now something truly horrendous has happened. And he was always there for me, he never judged me. And now when I feel the worst, he isn't there, which is truly horrible. How am I supposed to go on? Knowing that his fur will slowly disappear from my clothes and the house. His smell will go away. The rest of his food remains uneaten. I was supposed to find a new apartment soon, and I thought of how lovely it would be to come home to him in our very first new apartment together. Now it will never happen. I am so heartbroken. He's not here to take care of, so I have no reason to get up.

I'm scared to death that somehow this is my fault. I'm so scared to hear the lab results. Everyone is telling me this isn't my fault and there's nothing I could have done.. This wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to get old. He deserved to get old.

Hi, Heartbroken, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved companion. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion unexpectedly intensifies the grief.

Hearbroken, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the emotions we all struggle with is guilt / remorse because this comes from looking back when we are so emotionally vulnerable at a time when our hearts are engulfed with the deepest sorrow and trying to reconcile all the things that didn't quite make sense at the time they were happening.

I can imagine your shock when you arrived home to find that your beloved companion's sweet Living Spirit had transitioned home to the angels. Hopefully in time you will be able to find comfort in knowing that his transition journey happened in a place he loves the most: his home surrounded by the sights, sounds, and smells he cherished during his earthly journey with you.

As with human medicine unfortunately autopsies sometimes raise more questions than provide answers. I hope the results of the lab tests will offer both you and your veterinary care provider some insights as to what happened, and hopefully will bring some peace and affirmation to your heart that you did everything in your human and humane power to give him a happy, healthy earthly journey.

I can so relate to your feelings of both your beloved companion and you being "cheated" out of a long earthly journey together. Throughout my life I too have experienced the sorrow of losing companions at very early tender ages, and it is heartbreaking - - even when we know they have an illness that is in its final stages.

Our companions have inherited a genetic trait from their wild cousins when it comes to disguising how they are feeling physically. Because of this genetic trait, our companions do everything in their power to hide the early signs of illness / injury until they can no longer do it. Unfortunately this is of little help to us as their human guardians and veterinary care providers. Sometimes, as with human medicine, our veterinary care providers can prescribe medicines and / or perform medical procedures that will restore a good quality of life for our companions. And sometimes, sadly, there comes a time when there is nothing left in the veterinary medical arsenal except offering compassionate assistance to ease our precious companion's journey home to the angels.

Although you are now faced with the most painful task of re-inventing your life that no longer includes the physical presence of your beloved companion there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved companion share. Love is eternal, Heartbroken - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved companion's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will for he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are engulfed in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Hearbroken, thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved companion with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel like sharing a picture of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Heartbroken, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I am very sorry to hear about your cat. What was his name?

I recognize everything you are saying. I just lost my orange tabby cat Percy on October 23rd, when he was a bit less than eleven years old. You mention your cat's pancreas. I am pretty sure it was pancreatitis that killed Percy. He had survived it once before. I found a few suggestions on websites that orange cats have more sensitive digestive systems than most cats, but I didn't find any actual evidence for that. The state of cat medicine is fifty years or more behind human medicine. The autopsy may or may not give you answers as to what happened.

Guilt is part of grief; it comes with the territory of taking responsibility for animals who don't know how to take care of themselves. However, based on what you have said here, you almost certainly didn't do anything wrong. Your cat got sick, and you took him to the vet: That is what you are supposed to do with a sick cat. Any mistakes made from there are the vet's responsibility. Cats can be hard to diagnose, and you can't expect yourself to be on the same level as a professional.

Going through this is like living in a nightmare, but you can't wake up from it and have everything be right again. A cat like that supports you through all life's troubles, and when the cat is no longer there you have lost the one you want to turn to for comfort.

I don't have any answers for you on what to do. I can tell you that I collected some of Percy's fur, and made a collection of all my pictures him. I am writing down all the things he did so I won't forget them.

I can't make you feel better, but maybe I can distract you for a moment. I found a list of things that make orange cats special, and most of them applied to my cat. Here they are:

1) Love children.

2) Very tolerant and adapt well to their surroundings.

3) Loyal; once the orange tabby cat is a friend, it will be a friend forever.

4) Orange tabbies, especially males, have giant roaring purrs.

5) Very intelligent and inquisitive.

6) Energetic and exhausted, with extreme differences in energy.

7) Playful, and excellent hunters.

8) Well behaved, learn the rules easily, and accept their roles.

9) Sweethearts with gentle sweet-natured personalities.

Percy fit eight out of nine of these -- he wasn't thrilled by children.

Do you recognize your cat in this list?

Thank you both so much for your kind words.

My cat's name was Smedley and I absolutely recognize those traits in him. Never saw him around children, I'm not sure how he would have been, but he was always so loving and sweet to people. I've noticed that the orange cats I've met seem to really love people noticeably compared to other types of cats. He did have a roaring purr that was different from any other I've heard. It had a vocal component to it and the happier he was, the louder and more high-pitched it would get. He was so wonderful.

You're right, I'm not able to make judgments/decisions like an experienced professional, but I do work in the veterinary field and have some knowledge, so I feel tormented that I may have not realized or brushed off signs that he was ill. And the guilt has become so intense that I feel as if I am responsible because I took too long to get home, because I live too far from work, etc. etc. If I loved him so much then why isn't he here anymore? The vet was just as shocked as everyone else that he had died. It hurts so much - how could this have happened? He deserved so much more. So many horrendous what ifs in my mind. Like what if he had been a tiny bit alive when I found him (he was still so warm, but stiffening, but maybe..?) and had I rushed to the emergency vet instead of calling my friend panicking for a few minutes, he could have been revived? If I had just been home...?

I'm doing the same things you mentioned - gathering all the pictures and videos, and I have some whiskers and when preparing his body we shaved some of his fur to keep. He had really unique stripe patterns and on his sides he had two swirls that looked like spiral galaxies. I love astronomy so this was particularly delightful to me. I also set up an area with mementos, toys and candles, and some fall themed items because I adopted him in the fall.

This is the third day since his death and my home seems so dark and lonely. Reminiscing and looking at pictures has helped, but it still hurts so badly. Still so worried about the test results.

Again, thank you.

{{{Heartbroken}}},

My most heartfelt sympathies to you! I am thinking of you and sweet Smedley tonight. I am going to write more tomorrow (I'm falling asleep right now and so can't quite express what I want to say).

Suffice it to say, for now, that you and Smedley are, and will ALWAYS be together. You are an amazingly rare parent and there should be more like you in this world. You did NOTHING (!!!!!) wrong! I'm just so sorry you are in this pain.

To be continued tomorrow.

Huge hugs of comfort and peace coming your way. Please try and sleep tonight. I understand the pain.

Kathy

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

I have a strong support network and no one has told me anything other than they had never seen such a bond between a cat and person as he and I had, and that I did my best to take care of him. I still don't believe them about the second part of that...but I'm trying.

I've attached a picture of Smedley. He was the most beautiful cat. Why did he have to leave me?

Hi, Heartbroken, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and these wonderful pictures of your beloved Smedley. Please permit me to try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal.

One of the many traits our companions possess is the ability to accept us for who we are - - mere humans who are not infallible and who are not omnipotent. We are not gifted with foreknowledge as to what, when, and how our companions will precede us home to the angels. It is perfectly natural for us to want to keep our companions with us forever. Unfortunately, neither we nor our companions are immortal on this side of eternity, and since we live in a physically oriented world governed by the five senses of taste, touch, smell, sight, and sound adjusting to the physical absence of our beloved companions is excruciatingly painful. The good news is that our beloved companions ARE with us forever even when we are physically separated from them - - for love is eternal, Heartbroken - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. When they precede us to the angels our relationship with them transforms to a different dimension - - the dimension of eternal love.

Unfortunately there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up this grief adjustment journey or make it automatically disappear. The only way to navigate this grief journey is one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time - - with the reassurance that you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and who are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you again so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Smedley with us, Heartbroken. I hope today is treating you kindly and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

You absolutely DID do your best, Heartbroken. If you're anything like me, you expect perfection of yourself. That is humanly impossible. Keep that in mind when you find yourself questioning whether you did enough.

I am so glad to hear that you have a strong supportive network in your life. And you have us.

Smedley is absolutely gorgeous. My cat looks ... almost identical !

One thing that might help to remember is that humans have much more complex lives than pets do. So on the day of Smedley's passing, in hindsight you wished you had gotten home sooner, didn't live so far from your job, etc. But you, being the responsible parent that you are, held that job BECAUSE you are a responsible parent. You worked to provide for his food, shelter, vet care, everything!

If the roles were reversed right now, and it was you whose physical body had transitioned into pure Spirit, you would want Smedley's remaining time in his physical body to be as happy, joyful--everything good--as it possibly could be. In your own shoes right now, there unfortunately is the excruciating grieving process to go through. But, as soon as you possibly can feel even a shred, a split second, of happiness, the glimmer of a smile - celebrate that and know that it's EXACTLY what Smedley wants, just as you would want for him.

Smedley, being a pure Spirit right now, is in absolute bliss and, as Moon Beam mentioned, is not bound to our time-and-space laws. He will never have a second of sadness or ill health or anything negative in the slightest.

Sending you much peace and understanding!! Please be gentle with yourself, Heartbroken!

Kathy

Smedley has an endearing look to him. There really is something special about orange cats. Did you know that about three-quarters of orange cats are male? The color/sex link turns out to be a classic example in genetics textbooks. I had no idea until Percy died and I started doing research.

Smedley was young, and the things you have mentioned that might have indicated something was wrong are so minor that nobody would imagine he would die like that. If you are not able to identify warning signs even in retrospect, you certainly shouldn't feel guilty not having recognized them beforehand. The breathing issue might not even be connected to his death. And if he was already a little stiff when you found him, he had been dead for at least a quarter of an hour, and possibly more. There is no way you could have brought him back. Yes, it is tragic that you didn't get home a little sooner so you could say goodbye to him, but it is tragic no matter how it happens. My Percy died in my arms, and I still feel horrible. If you had been with him you would be thinking you could have done something, and most likely there is nothing you could have done -- you would just have something different to feel guilty about.

I know another woman whose orange cat died suddenly a couple of weeks ago. She is a "cat lady" who knows more about cats than most vets, and she is taking care of a dozen or more cats at her own house at a time for adoptions, as well as feeding cats in several alleys. She had a favorite long-haired orange tabby of her own named Scrubby. Because she was taking care of the other cats, she didn't realize he wasn't eating for two days until he started yowling in pain. She took him in to the vet immediately, but he was already in liver failure, and he died in her arms within the hour, purring the whole time. If someone with so much experience isn't able to spot the signs of trouble, the rest of us are even less likely to figure it out.

For all that we think we know and understand them, cats are inscrutable when it comes to pain. They seem to take it like the weather: They can't do anything about it, so they just live with it until it is too late to do anything to save them. The only exceptions I have seen are for cats with viruses and cats with failing kidneys. In those cases, the symptoms are obvious enough that you can recognize something is wrong. (Pro tip from the cat lady: If a cat gets a virus, it may mean that it has a more serious problem, since most cats don't get viruses unless they are weakened somehow; take it to the vet even if it seems to be getting better.) Also, from what you say, it doesn't sound like Smedley was suffering much, if at all, before he died; death may have taken him by surprise.

I feel very guilty for better reasons than you, since I didn't take Percy to the vet until he was in crisis, but I sometimes feel like the guilt is a way of occupying myself with myself, instead of focusing on the fact that he is gone. If I don't distract myself with other things, the pain of missing him is almost unbearable. The pain is easing with time, but the guilt remains. Work on forgiving yourself for not being able to recognize whatever was happening with him, and for not being in the right place at the right time: It would have been pure luck if things had been otherwise. Some things are so far beyond our control that we have to take them as fate. It sounds like Smedley's death was one of those things.

You have probably heard of the "five stages of grief." Even Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who came up with them, has said that they have been misused; they were originally meant to apply only to patients diagnosed with cancer, and they aren't actually a sequence, but rather a set of potential responses that may happen in any order, or not at all. A model I have found to match my experience better is three stages: Shock and disbelief; yearning for the beloved; and reorganization, where you learn to live with your loss. I have been oscillating among these, but I am mostly past the point of shock, and trying to get to reorganization. I think it will take me at least some months, since I am past ten weeks already. I still think of Percy waiting for me at the window, or making his little "mrrf" noise to call me into the living room for petting, or nuzzling the clover growing out of a crack in the concrete on the back walk, and break down crying. I won't say it gets easier every day, because none of it is easy, but the pain changes over time. Every day carries us farther away from them. I hope to eventually look back from a distance and be able to be thankful for having had Percy in my life, and you should be able to do the same with Smedley, but we both have a long way to go. Good luck to you.

Thank you all, so much.

Ritch - I have been hearing that and I didn't really know about animals and cats in particular that they don't show illness outwardly. How I wish that wasn't the case. And yes, those little triggers. Was able to empty out his water dish the other day, but when I tried to dump out the food...I broke down. I saw how he would always eat his food - make a little hole where you could see the bottom of the dish, and the specific sound of how the food tinkled against the ceramic. Looking at it and knowing it would never be finished. It just hurts too much to get rid of it yet. I have to return to work tomorrow, as I've mentioned I work in the veterinary field, and am not sure exactly how it will go. I'll also be hearing back from the lab tomorrow or Tuesday...

LittleGirl'sMommy - you are so kind. I did have the experience this morning of hearing birds singing for the first time in months, and thought of Smedley. He was an angel to me. I don't know where he is now (wish I knew, so confused), but he is very much still "alive" in the sense of his energy and my love for him - my friend told me that his own pain over Smedley's death inspired him to spend more time with his father and help him with things instead of brushing him off. I think that's very beautiful.

Today I haven't cried as much, which bothers me, have I really started to "get over it" so quickly? I just feel so empty, confused, numb and meaningless, and my heart hurts badly and my stomach just feels sick constantly even when thinking of him it's almost too hard now. I was struggling with depression before this happened and now it's even worse. I've moved past the shock of his death or so it seems and so have stopped begging him him to come back...and I hate this horrible dead feeling. It's like my heart/mind just couldn't deal with it, it's too much, it hurts too bad.

And the routine that I had is just gone. I have nothing to come home to anymore, it's just quiet and cold. No routine of making sure the house is secure before leaving so that he stays safe. It doesn't matter if I leave out flowers, ribbons or other things he could have gotten into. It will be easier for me to find an apartment now that I don't have a pet. I can stay out without that wish/tug to go home and spend time with him (huge introvert here). I would so rather have those worries back instead of this emptiness.

Hi, Heartbroken, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very painful.

Heartbroken, contrary to what our society tries to force us to believe there is no such thing as "getting over" the physical loss of a loved one - - whoever the life form. The phrases "getting over" "moving forward" etc. imply "forgetting" our beloved companions, and this is impossible - - because - - love is eternal, and our beloved companions are always and forever a part of our heart and memories - - they are always and forever a heartbeat close to us. This grief journey is not about "getting over" the physical absence of our beloved companions but rather is one of "adjusting" to it. Even 20 years down the road there may be a time when you are thinking of your beloved Smedley and you will feel a mist come to your eyes and an ache of sorrow in your heart once again missing his sweet precious physical presence. But I assure you, Heartbroken, that this sorrow you feel then will be less intense because your heart will be filled with the warmth of the many treasured memories you and your beloved Smedley share. And rest assured that every time you remember him he is simultaneously sharing the same memory with you - - for he is always and forever keeping a loving vigil over you.

Heartbroken, I hope today is treating you kindly and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you so much moon-beam.

Found out today the cause of death. My little angel had heart failure. According to my vet we would have to have gotten as far as an ECG in order to find it, because she never heard heart murmurs, and during the autopsy his overall heart shape was still normal, so apparently it wouldn't have shown on an x-ray. I asked how long he would have lived if we had caught it in time, and she told me that the longest she ever had a patient live with this after diagnosis was a year. She predicted he specifically would have lived a few months more. I still feel absolutely awful and wish I could have been able to tell something was wrong, to do more. But I also feel a bit more peaceful. He got to spend his last 4.5 years with me (I rescued him from a shelter) cherished and loved immensely. Thinking of his sweet innocent little heart giving out hurts me so badly. He deserved to live so much longer, I would do anything to have him back with me again. I loved him so much, he was such a gift and I am so happy and grateful that I found him in this life.

Hi, Heartbroken, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and the results of the lab tests on what caused your beloved Smedley's sudden physical death. Sadly our companions cannot tell us "hey, I feel this way or that way" so the only thing we and the veterinary care providers can do is respond to the symptoms as they occur - - and as with human medicine so it also happens with veterinary medicine when there are sudden events that happen that result in our companion's transition home to the angels. I hope knowing what happened with your beloved Smedley will offer you comfort and peace in your heart.

I know how deeply painful it is to adjust to the physical absence of a beloved companion. Your beloved Smedley is blessed to have you for his Forever Mom, and you are blessed to be his sole, and soul, heir to his eternal love.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Heartbroken, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you..the results did give some measure of closure.

I miss him so much. It hurts so much and I feel so lonely and empty. Nothing has changed for anyone else, they carry on and are going about their lives, but mine is completely changed and I'm expected to just go back to a "normal life". Like looking at an apartment today. I was just thinking of how from now on I won't have him to come home to. I felt so lonely and wanted to just leave. What's the point. I wish so badly I could hold him in my arms again. I love you Smedley.

Hi, Heartbroken, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I do so understand how you're feeling when you share with us: "Nothing has changed for anyone else, they carry on and are going about their lives, but mine is completely changed and I'm expected to just go back to a "normal life"." It never ceases to amaze me how life continues on - - bills get paid, jobs get done, errands and chores are done, etc. - - but now with the feeling of being "disconnected" and not having any "purpose" to the activity around us because our hearts are grieving for the absence of our beloved companion who brought joy and purpose and meaning to EVERYTHING in our lives.

I can perfectly understand how looking for a new home now has no joy or excitement for you, Heartbroken. Still, I hope you will come to know in time that your beloved Smedley is with you wherever you go and whatever you do because he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you -- so his sweet Living Spirit will be with you in your new home, too.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Heartbroken, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Click to view attachment



I know your feeling----I have been there-----The loss never goes away--but with time--it will get better---

Thank you both... I feel like his death has changed everything in my life. I feel depressed and empty. "Life goes on" but I don't feel ready at all. Everyday life is so much more draining. I still get occasional flashbacks to finding his body and they hurt so much. Still keep thinking he'll be waiting for me to get home, meowing to "lecture" me about being gone like he always did. The closer I get to home, the more my stomach twists. It's been hard to think at all about what I want/need to accomplish this year, especially because he passed on New Year's Day. It still seems so unfair and wrong. I have been able to focus more on happy memories, but I feel so lost and empty without him. I just want him back...

Hi, Heartbroken, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief journey but unfortunately there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the process of make it automatically disappear. Please know you are among friends here for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Heartbroken, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Smedley's parent:

Thank you very much for your post. Today, I found my very dear cat Mai dead. I am devastated and the guilt is awful. I realized last night / this morning that she was not right. I made an appt for the vet this afternoon, she was dead. I found her under the bed. She never went under the bed. I pulled her out... The image is horrible.

Anyway, as I read your post, it is so darn clear to me that Smedley's death was totally beyond your control. Even with your latter posts confirming this, even from your first post, I could tell that it obviously was not your fault. Everyone out here has told you this, and I hope you are starting to internalize it. Maybe I will, too. Probably not today, though.

He was a gorgeous boy. Thank you for rescuing him and sharing his last years with him. I can tell by the pics that he loved you very, very much.

Thank you for your kind and compassionate words in the midst of your own raw grief. I am so, so sorry to hear about your cat Mai. That horrific feeling, that shock is the worst thing I've ever experienced. I completely understand what you are going through right now. It's hellish.

Once I learned that Smedley's early death was basically inevitable (through the lab tests), it did bring me some peace (especially because if he had to go, a peaceful quick death meant less suffering than a gradual physical deterioration), but some of that guilt does remain - I love him so much that I still feel like I failed him.

Please take care.

I got Smedley's ashes back, they are in a beautiful wooden box. It's so hard to understand that he is actually in there, and it's not just some kind of symbol. I miss him terribly. I feel like everything has changed completely. I would give anything to have him back with me, to be hugging him right now. It really hurts and him being gone is still such a shock sometimes...

I cried and I cried reading your post...I too have the guilt as I am a nurse and feel like I failed my beautiful Morning Glory…. I am afraid I made her live too long, probably in pain and did not see how she had declined….i was a hospice nurse for godsake and should have seen…I do not feel like l told her enough how much I loved her and gave her all the time I needed and should have and I feel just sick and heartbroken over my selfishness…her last two days I hardly spent with her as I knew it was coming and I could not bear it and had to distance myself…what a horrible ungrateful selfish thing to do…how could I do that to her?? The only thing that EVER loved me enough to stay when things got so bad, who never judged me or thought of herself instead of me, who always loved me no matter what…how could I do that??… I will never forgive myself for that. ..I too am lost an empty and the house so cold, dark and lonely….when I finally vacuumed it was so very hard….i felt I was dishonoring her by doing it and did not like that life and time went on as it showed her no honor....my life revolved around her too as she was a rescue and had very bad anxiety, was blind I finally realized, probably had IBS and was hyperthyroid and on meds for all of these…she kept me alive several times when I wanted to kill myself as I knew there was no one to take her and give her what she needed…I too have depression, anxiety, I lost my career to a hereditary disease that has taken the feeling in my hands and feet away and left me on disability…..she got me through so many sad and hard times and I will never forget her little ears that were balding…. wet with my tears as I left her on that table at the vets….she had let me cry and cuddle her so many times when I was so sad, scared and did not know what to do…. I had an orange tabby named Pumpkin as I got him on Halloween at 16 yrs old and he was a total surprise as I had wanted a cat for years and was always told no....Your baby looks so much liked him I cried as it could have been him…I remember doing my math homework at my desk with me hugging him over my shoulder and how he purred and was so happy to just be with me…..and I have pics of him with my mom who died two months after I had to put him to sleep when I was 27....I feel for you so bad as finding him in your bed had to be devastating....he passed in the place he loved the most, with the smells of his mom all around him, knowing how much he was loved, how you gave him the very best of everything you could and he seemed to have died peacefully it sounds...I know it does not make the pain go away and I am sorry as I wish I could…I hate to think of anyone suffering like I am….through my grief I am starting to see that there is never ever going to be a way that our beloved friends, companions, soul mates and babies could have passed and left us that would ever feel ok and not hurt and make us feel guilty and that we failed them…..it killed me to have to take my beautiful girl to the vet to be put to sleep…..the place she hated and was scared the most of all….to die in cold, clinical surroundings, I begged her and pleaded for her not to leave me all alone.......I wanted to crawl on that cold tabled with her and go where ever she going…..it seemed that was what I was suppose to do….my mom had knitted a blanket for my future kitties she told me before she died and I send this with Morning…I just could not bear to take it with me and I did not want her to be cold….I too took some of her hair to keep like you, her dishes, blanket, medicine reminded me of how alone I am now and how lost....the last thing I took away was her litter box and that was just a week ago and she died on 12/15….i wish there was a way for those like us grieving and suffering such deep losses to be able to give each other the time together, talking, care, hugs and reassurances we all need right now….it feels so very lonely out in the real world where you are expected to act and be normal though you heart has been ripped out and there are so many people who have never had a relationship with a pet like us…..i believe animals are mankind’ s undeserving and unasked for gift from God….nothing in this world will ever love you as unselfishly, unconditionally, and completely like an animal…..i believe they are here as our example of what we are to learn and do on this planet and that is love….pure, giving love…I pray for you some peace from your guilt as I do mine and try to find the thankfulness that we were so very blessed to have this wonderful being, connection and love in our lives though it was never for long enough…

Hi, Heartbroken, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, getting our beloved companion's ashes back is a two sided coin: the one side it can be comforting to have them back with us where they belong, yet the other side of the coin is yet another "reality check" that they are no longer with us in the physical form that our arms and hearts long for them to be. It is yet another "first without" to endure in this painful grief adjustment journey.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Heartbroken, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you - - for even though he is no longer physically with you, his sweet Living Spirit is forever a heartbeat close to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Heartbroken, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi, Thanks for responding. I relate so much to what you wrote, I cried too. I really wish I could have met Morning Glory and Pumpkin. I think you are right that no matter what happens we always think we didn't do enough, and I bet you are thinking you were less attentive than you were in her last days! I'm certain she knew how much you loved her! I know you probably don't believe me. But I'm sure of it. I hope that you're getting help with your depression and anxiety. I'm trying to get back to a therapist but am waiting on insurance stuff.

I'm moving out tomorrow morning and so today was cleaning everything and packing, and finally had to throw out his litter box. It's strange, isn't it, that something like that would be one of the hardest things to get rid of. It feels disrespectful to him to be moving to some new place and leaving behind the last space we shared so happily. Even though the new place is much better for me, I'd give up whatever I needed to have Smedley back. I just want life to go back to the way it was. He started having problems suddenly one night and two days - gone. He was so unique, so unlike any other cat I've known, and SO loving to me. One of the last videos I have of him, he was playing with gift wrap, and when I reached out to crinkle it for him, he would just stare at me and rub my hand instead. Sometimes he would even look into the shower and meow when I was in there. Plus, he had asymmetrical toes, his front paws were teardrop-shaped. Cleaning today I found toys, a single piece of cat food behind a door.. and yes his ears were balding too...

People are already asking me when I'm going to get a new cat or telling me to adopt such and such cat...it's only been two weeks. And these are people who have otherwise been sensitive to my loss. I just say, "Not ready."

Hi, Heartbroken, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief. From similar circumstances I know how much you were so looking forward to your new home with your beloved Smedley's sweet precious physical presence to share it with you - - only now to have to make this change in your life carrying your beloved Smedley in your heart. I hope you will be able to find peace in your heart that your beloved Smedley is happy you have found a better place to live - - and that you will feel his sweet Living Spirit with you wherever you go and whatever you do.

"Not ready" is an excellent response to people who truly have no understanding of the grief journey for a beloved companion. Having people say "you can always get another cat, dog, bird, horse - - whatever" is similar to someone telling a couple who have lost a human child "you can always have another." It's insensitive. Only YOU will be able to determine when / if you are ready to embrace another companion into your heart and home, Heartbroken, and whatever decision you make will be the RIGHT ONE for YOU.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Heartbroken, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you - - for even though he is no longer physically with you, his sweet Living Spirit is forever a heartbeat close to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Heartbroken, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you for taking time to respond I feel so disoriented and lost still. I miss him so much.

I understand the part about wondering if we could have done more---but they do get sick without us seeing anything until it's too late---Sometimes, there are nights, when I think of all of them---and the tears still come---we still had 2 of our large brood, so it wasn't like I was left with nothing--but then---about a year later--this tuxedo boy came into our lives---to join Stubby and Adam and he took the hurt away---His name is Booger and he is a pistol---Sometimes you never know---

It's hard to imagine--that the time will come that you won't feel the pain you are feeling now--I hope the best for you---

Mary

I sent you long mess via message and am not sure if I did it right or not....let me know you got it or not

I did receive it, I'll respond as soon as I'm able. thank you!

Did you receive my response, morning glory?

It's been almost a month and it's still shocking to me sometimes. Sometimes I still get the flashbacks to finding him, and that feeling feels raw again. Things have "gone back to normal", but the "normal" is different and so much emptier without him. I still don't understand why it had to be this way. I don't understand why he had to stop being alive. We loved each other so much. He deserved to live so much longer. I miss him terribly. I think about other people who still have their pets and I hope they truly appreciate them while they have them, because even if you already never take any time for granted, you will still miss them as if you did.

Hi, Heartbroken, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, adjusting to the "new normal" is a very painful journey both emotionally and physically. When our companions come into our lives they literally become the center of our universe, and when they precede us to the angels we are then faced with the agonizingly painful process of re-inventing our daily routines that no longer includes the physical needs of our beloved companion. Our thoughts become focused on "it was now that my beloved companion would have his / her breakfast, that he / she would keep me company watching TV," and the heartbreaking list goes on and on making every minute of every hour of every day feel empty.

I promise you it will not always be this way, Heartbroken. One day very likely when you least expect it you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Smedley and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and your heat will fill with the warmth of your and your beloved Smedley's treasured memories once again. But until this time comes for you, please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Heartbroken, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Heartbroken, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you :'(

It's been one month... I can't believe it. It feels like so much longer without him. Getting used to coming home to a Smedley-less house, to nothing, is very painful. It used to be so wonderful to come home to him. I spend time with his ashes every day - I don't know if it's healthy but I feel like it's important to "interact" with him somehow, to hold space for him, and not forget him. I still can't believe he's actually in that box. He really was my best friend and my sweetheart. I loved him so much and just wish he was still with me.

Hi, Heartbroken, please permit me to try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief when you share with us: "It's been one month... I can't believe it. It feels like so much longer without him. Getting used to coming home to a Smedley-less house, to nothing, is very painful." This grief journey is one of the most painful adjustments you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts. I also know how difficult it is to adjust to the "reality" that your beloved Smedley is no longer with you in the physical form your heart and arms long for. The good news is that his sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will - - for he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Heartbroken, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Heartbroken, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you... today was really hard. I went home from work early feeling physically ill but mostly emotionally. I didn't expect the 1-month mark to hit me so hard. I feel so depressed and am feeling his loss strongly, the unfairness and incomprehensibility of it.

It has been three and a half months for me, and I am still crying every day. It's only in the past four or five days that I have started to get past the insomnia -- I'm up to six hours of sleep a night, from three to five or none at all. My stomach was upset every night for three months, too, and that is slowly passing, although I still feel twinges from time to time. Thursdays are really hard, because my cat died on Thursday morning. It feels odd at first to get blindsided by things like that.

I expect you will get through this slowly, like me. It never seems any more fair, or better; you just learn to live with it day by day. I am sorry I don't have anything else to say.

Heartbroken -

As I read your first entry, I realized it could have been written by me. My orange cat Henry (who was only ten) died unexpectedly on June 1, 2014, after a seemingly normal Sunday. He was the best cat ever, he loved me like your Smedley loved you - we had special activities and games, sleeping and napping rituals, he waited for me to come home from work, we would "talk", etc. -- all the things you describe. He traveled with me through many airports, helped me through some really rough times and some very happy times. he went to my sisters wedding (She is a vet, so it is not as weird as it sounds -- several animals were there.)

I thought he was so special, and nicest of all, it was clear he was convinced that I was the most special person he ever met.

Like you, I'm heartbroken, I'm furious/sad that Henry, like Smedley, didn't have time to get old. Worst of all, I too am terrified that I should have noticed something was wrong, and if I had, he could have stayed with me longer. I'm scared I let him down and that the horrible pain I feel of missing him is deserved -- some kind of cosmic punishment for being a bad cat mom. You were smart to get an autopsy to have some answers. At the time Henry died I was so upset I could not bear of thinking of him being cut up (even though I know "he" was not there anymore, and would not care!). Plus, I am not sure if I could bear it if it had turned out to be something that I could have helped and and should have noticed!

I'm sorry this post is so much about me - but reading your post was so close to how I feel and I have not ever send it out loud or
written it down in the 8 months since Henry died.

Everyone tells me: Think of the time you had with your pet, and ask it it was worth it, even though you are now separated - of course, the answer is always "yes", and that is supposed to make you think of the good times you had rather than the loss. I keep trying and sometimes I find comfort in that. Right now, even 8 month later, it is still pretty hard (especially the 1st of each month).

I hope you feel better soon.

- K.

Hi, yes, I really didn't expect the month mark to be so hard. I have never been much into celebrating the new year, but I now know January 1 will always be very difficult for me. I'm still getting over the shock and having occasional flashbacks to finding him. My sleep hasn't really been disrupted to such an extreme degree as yours, but sometimes it is harder to sleep due to loneliness and emotional pain of him not being there with me.

Wow - those are some crazy similarities. Thank you for sharing your story with me and I am so sorry for your loss. I relate SO much to what you describe, especially the guilt and feeling like I failed him.

Yes the vet (who I work with) had to coax me to let him go to do the autopsy as soon as possible, and at first I wasn't sure if it was the right thing, but overall I'm glad I got answers. It was so horrible to have to do that...the whole thing is horrible. I can't believe it still. I've been pretty balanced between grief episodes, remembering good times, some traumatic flashbacks to finding him, and just a general sadness and emptiness. I feel sad that others get to go to bed cuddling their pets at night and I can't anymore. I worry that the other animals in my life that I see regularly will "replace" his memories. I talk briefly to his ashes every night before bed. I miss him so terribly..

The idea of orange cats at a wedding is so sweet, I love it.

I bought Smedley flowers today for the holiday. Two-tone (light and dark) orange daisies, tuberoses, and orange tulips. I miss him so much. I put them by his ashes. I used to take "holiday" funny themed portraits with him. I wish so much I could do that today. He was so wonderful.

That is heartbreaking indeed. At least you have the pictures to remember him from. I hope the flowers cheer you up a little bit.

Hi, Heartbroken, indeed, the "first withouts" that include holidays can be very painful to endure. Not being able to take your precious Smedley's picture is one of the many painful reminders that he is no longer physically with you. I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, Heartbroken, but unfortunately there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here - - a safe shelter where we can come to share what is in our hearts with the resassurance we are not alone.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Heartbroken, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you... living a Smedley-less life is hard, and jarring at times, when it hits me again that he isn't here. I'm pretty busy right now and so I get distracted, but then the grief is always there waiting. I miss him so much.. and it hurts so much that he deserves to still be here, and isn't..

I've been getting flashbacks to finding Smedley sometimes when I see very relaxed cats, and it's been very difficult. I'm around cats constantly for my job, and sometimes seeing a cat sleeping in a certain way--plus I'm often around a cat who likes to make ample use of her third eyelids while sleeping, not really closing her eyes completely--seeing that causes an instant, unavoidable flashback to finding Smedley, which was a truly traumatic experience. The grief I have from losing him is so intense that I have to "go on" with life and sort of repress it, and then as soon as I have a quieter moment, it shows up, and then I get scared to grapple with it. I've accepted that I can't get him back, but the feeling of loss and pain is just indescribable.

Hi, Heartbroken, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. It is very difficult particularly during the deep grief to have to put on the "public face" to get through the daily routines and expectations of jobs, shopping, gatherings with friends, family, colleagues, etc., and then needing to release the deep sorrow when we are finally in a "quieter moment." I remember all too well when I was working thankful for the privacy of the restroom where I could retreat to regain my composure so that I could return to my desk to resume my work - - and then getting into the car for the drive home having the floodgates of gut-wrenching sorrow burst open no longer able to be contained. Scientific studies show that it is healthy to cry for the tears we cry are literally healing tears as they literally cleanse our bodies from the toxins that build up from the stress of grieving. So - - cry as you need to, Heartbroken - - even if you must wait until you are in the privacy of a "quiet moment" to do so.

For different traumatic reasons I can also relate to your episodes of flashbacks to when you found your beloved Smedley. It is perfectly normal particularly during the deep grief for you to have a heightened awareness of similar circumstances with other companions that you experienced with your beloved Smedley. I promise you that as your deep grief eases the flashbacks and panic reactions will not always be so intense. I promise you that one day very likely when you least expect it you will be thinking of your beloved Smedley and your heart will fill with the warmth of your many treasured memories and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - which is what your beloved Smedley wants. But until this day comes for you please know we are here for you, with you, and beside you to share with you your not so bad days, the not so good days, and the days when it feels like your heart can no longer bear the burden of your deepest sorrow.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Heartbroken, and that you will have peaceful evenings blessed with your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Click to view attachment

Thank you


I've been really missing the presence of a cat in the house. It just feels so empty without one. Even though I'm around cats all day long as part of my job, I still miss having one here at home. I miss Smedley so much. He should still be here.

Thanks I have a mixture of sad, traumatized, and happy memory moments much of the time.

Hi, Heartbroken, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can so understand how you're feeling when you share with us: "I've been really missing the presence of a cat in the house. It just feels so empty without one. Even though I'm around cats all day long as part of my job, I still miss having one here at home. I miss Smedley so much. He should still be here."

One of the many difficult things we endure during our grief adjustment journey is the profound sound of silence that invades our home and lives when our beloved companion is no longer physically with us - - even when we have other precious companions still sharing our earthly journey. Scientific studies prove that every living being has an "energy". When this "energy" is no longer present - - for whatever reason - - there is a profound grief response to the physical absence of that "energy." In addition to our own grief response, it can feel as though the very structure of the home is also grieving. Those who remain are now faced with the task of "re-inventing" and "re-structuring" their lives in response to the loss. This is one of the many reasons why this grief adjustment journey is so painful both emotionally and physically.

Sadly there is no easy way to navigate this grief adjustment journey. There are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the process of make it automatically disappear. The good news is that your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit is always and forever with you - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you. And we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Heartbroken, and that you will have peaceful evenings blessed with your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam