The past five months (and five days), have been quite the journey. I'm reflecting on the different phases my grief went through:

June 2nd: playing ball with Luba - all is well
June 3rd: Luba collapses in the morning
June 5th: Luba dies at the vet's - I'm totally unprepared

Here is a rough breakdown of my grieving period

Week 1 and 2: complete meltdown. not working (at all in week 1, only a few hours in week 2), not sleeping much at all, crying almost non-stop, wish I was dead, bizzarre headspace (she's not dead, that wasn't really her body I saw at the vet's)

Week 2 - month 2: "zombie" phase: going back to work, going through the motions of life, but utterly devastated inside, absolutely no joy of life wish I was dead, sleep riddled with nighmares about my girl , GUILT ridden, go into "photo crazy" mode: look at all of Luba's photos again and again, OBSESS about my surviving dog dying too, keep re-living Luba's collapse, the phonecall from the vet, her body lying at the vets.

Month 2-3: a somewhat milder version of week2 - month 2, still GUILT prevails,starting to enjoy my surviving dog again. Pixxed off at the vets for not letting me go see Luba to say goodbye (even though they were very good to me, I was still pretty mad)

Month3 to 4.5: slowly starting to enjoy a few things in life again, able to sleep without sedatives at times, dreams less devastating but still disturbing, starting to see that I may not be as guilty as I thought, occasional intense crying spells, unable to look at Luba's photos

Month 4.5 - today (5 months and 5 days): I've had a dream of "closure" ie. Luba dies in my arms in the dream, but I am at peace and I say a very loving goodbye to her, guilt is almost all gone, life begins to have meaning and fun times, still cry for Luba but am able to think of her in terms of happy memories now and then..

I have no idea why I wrote all of this out, but here it is anyways -

THANK YOU, IT HELPED ME TO READ WHAT YOU WROTE, THE FEELINGS ARE SO SHARED, YET SUCH A PERSONAL JOURNEY. I CANT LOOK AT MOOSE'S PIC'S YET, THT IS WHY I HAVE NOT POSTED ANY OF THEM. IT WAS ONE MONTH THIS EVE MOOSE WAS HIT AND PUT TO SLEEP BY 10AM THE NEXT MORNING. THANKS PAMELA

I'm glad it helped you a bit Pamela. Writing it made me cry for Luba again, but I'm ok now.

I think it takes a different amount of time for everyone, but it's not unusual for the grief to go on for much longer than society accepts as "normal".

Luba's vet told me it was over a year for him, and that he still has dreams about a dog that he lost 20 years ago. Except that the dreams don't make him sad anymore. I didn't get what he said at the time, but it's making more sense now.

Also, the counsellor that I'm seeing said that for people who have had experiences with deaths of loved ones before, it can bring it all back again when your pet dies. Your pet is your constant companion through all of the tragedies, and when thet are gone you feel completely alone.

Hi Steph,

I'm glad you took the time to post how your grieving process has improved with the passage of time. This gives me hope and inspiration that I too will reach this stage someday. Thanks for sharing you feelings.

__Jim

Thanks Jim,

I'm glad it's given you some hope...

Steph, I felt your pain when I read your journey step by step. Seems like i have cried off and on all day long and have been looking a Chili Beans pictures. I do get a little worried more now that Snookie will go any minute. Your post will give a lot of people hope. Hugs
Ann

Steph,
Thank you for posting this. Like Jim said, it gives me hope, too. I still miss my little guy sooo much. Some days it feels like an eternity since I've held him, then others I catch myself looking for him and it hits like a ton of bricks. I'm just hoping to get through the Holidays, as he was such a big part of the season for me. I'm so sorry to hear about Kimba and hope she is doing better.

Love
Libby

I'm bumping this, because I've had a few people ask me about the grieving process.

I hope that it is of help.

Update:

Month 5 - 6: Work, life etc back in full swing. The occaisional dream of Luba persists. The death seems to have hit my subconscious. I now deal with her dying in my arms, or I am reacting to her death in my dreams. Anniversary month dates still are very hard, but I no longer am counting weeks on Saturdays.

Month 6-7: Feelings of sadness are more removed to a more distant state. Able to look at photos of Luba again. Able to laugh at happy memories (like when Falkor used to tease her, and she him). The odd intense moment of grief (sadness, anger, despair). Christmas without Luba goes ok, due to the recovery of Falkor. I am counting my blessings. Once in a while, I dream of Luba, but it's more distant. More like she's visiting, rather than me trying to save her. I am starting to realise that Luba's death has changed me forever, and will have lasting repurcussions although it's too soon to say exactly how.

Hi, Steph-

Thank you for bumping this up again and adding to it. It really does help me keep a perspective of my own grief.

I'm so glad that Falkor is doing well.
Take care,
Kathleen

Thanks! He was such a joy to be with over Christmas. He was so into the little stuffed toy we got for him. He started "singing" with joy when he opened it.

Month 7-8: Acceptance seems to be kicking in. Life is now "life without Luba", not "life can't be without Luba". Experiencing much joy with Falkor. Having "fun" dreams about Luba ie playing ball with her. Nightmares on occaision (ie when I had a toothache I had a doozy nightmare about Luba). Have ceased going to counselling. Thinking of Luba with a sad acceptance. Still rather over-protective of Falkor.

Thank you for this. It somehow helps me feel that there may somehow be relief for the intense grief I feel for my Lucy who died so peacefully in my arms last night. I miss her so. I know I have a long ways to go, but having this timeline gives me some sense of hopefulness.

Caroline

Thank you for keeping us updated on your feelings. It has only been one day for me and I, like you did, feel awful. I am also scared to death that my other dog Skipper( she is almost 13) will die also. I also am really wanting to be protective of her as I don't think I could take it if she left me now.

I am glad you are feeling better. I Don't think the hole in your heart ever goes away, I think you just learn to live with it somehow.

Nancy

Dear Steph-
Thank you so much for sharing this intensely personal log of your progress.
It is so helpful to me.
I'm coming upon 6 weeks and still have days where the grief is overwhelming.
I miss my best friend and wonder if the hole in my heart will ever heal.
I see that in time my pain will lessen.
Fran

Hi Steph:

Thank you so much for adding to your earlier post, & letting us know how your experience
on grief/loss, of your darling Luba has been going....
It is personal, but it definitely is a gift from your heart --- and, I THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!

As Abby's mom said:



That is sooooooooo very, very true!!!!
It's always extremely helpful, I feel, for people to know "what is ahead, in the healing process!"...
And, by your sharing..........you have done just that!
Extremely loving and unselfish on your part ---- Thank you, Steph!!

I'm happy to hear about "handsome Falkor".....

Take Care, my friend....

Love, Denise xo

Thanks Steph for adding the update. I am glad that the pain will not always be so intense and hope that happy dreams might follow for all of us. At least playing with them in our dreams would be a great joy until we woke up and the pain hit all over again. Hold tight to Falkor and love him all you can, better to be over protective than under protective. I could not sleep tonight although I tried but kept waking up.
Love, Ann

Dear Steph,

I really am happy that you update us all on your progress throughout the months. It really gives us an idea of what to expect.

I can really relate to being over protective of Falkor!!! When we recently had our new puppy spayed, I was terrified! I thought after just losing Rachael, I would die if anything happened to Brandy during surgery. However, like Ann stated, I would much rather be over protective than under protective.

I hope you continue to have sweet dreams of your precious Luba

Please keep us updated!

Cheri

Month 8-9:
Intense "relapse" early on in month. I am back into full-on blaming myself for not being with Luba when she died. Later on, a feeling of peace takes over. I start to feel that Luba is, indeed, somehow still a part of my life from wherever she is. I wish to keep her memory alive. Nobody else seems to miss her at all anymore, and this makes me sad. Overall, I'm doing a-ok though.
Dreading the upcoming months: her birthday, and re-living her one-year death anniversary.

Dear Steph, Your mom must miss Luba a lot too but maybe she just doesn't want to say to much to upset you. I still miss my childrens furbabies that are at the Rainbow Bridge but I don't say to much to them. Maybe I am afraid I will upset them. Sometimes we as mothers just don't always say the things we would like too.

To often fear causes us to keep quiet, fear of upsetting them, for of opening old wounds, fear of more pain we might cause. Well I'm sure you get the picture. Three out of my four children have lost furbabies. Maybe they don't think I miss them as much as I did in the beginning.

You know what, today I am going to go tell them all how much I still miss Chili Bean, Tan tan, Charcoal, Ginger, etc. I guess I will get off and go pay them all a visit. I don't want them to ever forget how much I loved and still love their furbabies. I guess I just needed to hear what you had to say thanks Steph.
Love, Ann

Dear Steph,

I just now read this thread for the first time. It does help to follow your "progress" on your journey through grief.

I feel that I have regressed lately and reading about the ups and downs you've experienced has been encouraging. I know my life will never be complete again without my precious pal, Rusty. It has changed forever and I have to accept that. I hope, for the sake of my family and my other pets that I can return to a somewhat "normal" life one day. It will take time - lots of it. As Nancy said - you have to learn to live with the hole in your heart.

Thank you for such an insightful post.

Hugs,
Lynn

Thanks for checking out my update Ann and Lynn. You guys have been such a wonderful support.

Ann, definitely tell your kids that you still miss the babies. It hurts more thinking that they have been forgotten then someone bringing them up! It's nice to remember them. Again, I thank you for remembering about Luba's upcoming birthday.

Lynn, the ups and downs will remain for a long time I think. I'll never forget what Luba's vet said: for him it was over a year when he lost his special dog. He was guessing it would take me at least that. I'm so glad that he said that to me, otherwise I'd be feeling quite worried about all the ups and downs.

It was exactly nine months ago today, within the next hour, that I got the call from the vet that broke my heart forever.
"...when I got back from my lunch break your Luba had died. I'm so very sorry. Do you want to come see her."

Those words.

Dear Steph,

Nine months without your pal, Luba. I know it seems like an eternity...I'm so sorry. I'm coming up on Shiloh's 6 month anniversary, and I, like Lynn, feel like I've been regressing lately.

Thank you for posting this. Seeing your journey through grief has helped me keep tabs on my own.

Take care,
Kathleen

Hi Steph,
I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and your precious Luba. Nine months is such a long time without your little girl. Yet I know you must hear the words from your vet over and over again that broke your heart. I am sending you big hugs. Love, Ann

Kathleen, has it almost six months for you? My gosh, it doesn't seem that long since I saw you joining. Didn't it just seem like we'd never even make it through the first MONTH, let alone half a year and beyond.

Certainly relapses seem to be an ongoing thing. I am trying not to let them rattle me too much.

Thanks for checking in on me!

Over and over again is right. That and seeing her little body.

Thank you for thinking of us, and for sending hugs.

Steph

Hi Steph,
I just wanted to say that I come back to this post often, I have just finished my fifth month without Moose and I seem to be right where you were at 5 months, Yesterday, I had a huge cry, it came out of nowhere, I missed him so so much.
I am starting to find the joy in my life again and it is odd, when ever I look at a new home I automatically think of Moose there, I have to remind myself he is not here. I am able to smile and laugh now and just feel a huge saddness when I think of losing him.
Anyway I wanted to thank you for this thread, I have used it often, and it has been kind of a gauge for me. Thanks again Steph. Love, Pamela

Steph, now that I have expeienced an unexpected loss of a pet I see your stages of grief mirroring my own. It makes me feel more normal in my grief, reading you posts.

Our own border collie is the heart and soul of our home. Her intelligence, wisdom, and intuition never cease to amaze me. I can't imagine life without her. They truly are remarkable dogs, aren't they?

I'm very glad that this grief journal has been of some help. I think that my Luba would be happy that I have done this.

Pamela, isn't it something how the overwhelming grief can hit you so hard, even if overall you are feeling better?

Yes, Margo, border collies are quite something. They are SO very smart and alert and so EAGER to learn. How old is yours?

I have a "surving dog" too, his name is Falkor and he is a wonderful, cuddly, love-bug golden retriever.

Dear Steph-
I am so grateful for the experiences you have shared.
Next week it will be 3 months since I lost Indy. I have been dreading the "anniversay"
and perhaps doing some avoidance so as not to have to deal with my deep sadnees.
It is a comfort to me to know that I am not alone in my roller coster of emotions.
You, Luba and Falkor are in my thoughts.
Love, Fran

We got our border collie, Nikki, at the shelter seven years ago. I knew almost nohing about border collies but I liked the warm intelligent look in her eyes.

She quickly grew into a beautiful golden colored collie with a shock of white fur on her chest. What amazed me was that she picked up things so quickly. She taught herself how to catch a frisbee in mid air. She quickly established dominance with our cats, keeping them off the counters, breaking up cat fights between them and the neighbors' cats, etc. She has her own cat-herd. She identified the "problem" cats on our street and kept them away from our yard. Her vocabulary is impressive--she picks up new words all the time.

I know your Luba was special because I see the same warmth, humor and intelligence in her eyes. What a great picture--her personality really comes through.

Thank you for posting your journey. I feel like it's a torch guiding those of us who are just starting this journey of healing. I'm in day 4 and feel there's no end to it. Your post gives me a little hope.

I know what you mean about extreme guilt, fear, nightmares, etc., being followed by feelings of peace. What I don't know is, when I have these extreme guilt feelings, are they justified---do I deserve to feel this guilty ( I know I should feel some guilt because of bad decisions I made) or is it an overreaction, do I deserve instead the peacefulness I feel sometimes? I feel like I'm on the same sort of rollercoaster you describe and I don't know what to make of it.

Margo, thank you for seeing that special border collie "look" in my Luba's eyes. That is quite something how Nikki keeps the cats in line Luba kept Falkor in line when he arrived as a pup.

Here is a Luba little story: One time, during Falkor's early days with me, I had a pork chop dinner sitting on a low counter. I had told Luba to "leave it", but had not realised that Falkor was up from his nap. When I came back into the room, Luba was sitting right by my pork chop, baring her teeth at young Falkor, protecting my dinner from him. I was so impressed that neither dog had touched it that they ended up sharing the chop with me!

Luba's vocabulary was astounding too. It's amazing what they can learn.

I don't know how one deals with the guilt feelings best. That was my biggest hurdle to overcome. I don't get it much anymore, but it pretty near destroyed me early on.

Jazzygirl, I'm glad the thread is helping you. As lame as it sounds, time does help. I know it sounds impossible, but I'm sitting at nearly ten months. You wil get there too. BTW - I'm really sorry that you lost your friend.

LOL, Nikki will "guard" my plate too, from the cats, when I sit on the couch to eat. A cat will get up on the next cushion and try to encroach, but Nikki will poke it with her nose and nudge it off the couch, all while maintaining her "begging" look.

Border collies are the kind of dogs that are not at the mercy of their own instincts. They have that intellect that can override their animal impulses. I can leave my plate on the couch or table and she will not even think of touching it.

I'm just bumping this for a new member who I've been emailing...

Hi, Steph-

This is such a great thread. I remember when I first joined LS, I would come back to this post over and over again. It really has helped me.

Thanks!

Bumping this up.

I'll do an update in a day or two. I'll be at ten months on April 5th.

This month my girl would have turned 10.

Month 9 - 10:
This past month, Luba's death has been overshadowed with the death of Michael's mother, and Falkor's illness.
Nevertheless, she remains strongly on my mind. I don't think I've gone through a day yet that I have not felt sad about losing her. However, it does feel as though I have "adapted" to not having her around.

Forgot to add:
The occaisional dream of Luba pops in. Some happy some sad, but they aren't as powerful as they once were anymore.

THANK YOU for posting these steps of grief it truly is a torch guiding the way for those of us who are experiencing our losses so recently ~ since my Amber tabby girl has only been gone less than 2 weeks it gives me a light in the dark to be able to see what will evolve over the next months if I am brave enough to continue to let myself feel and express my sadness and guilt over having to make the decision I did as Amber's kidneys failed her ~ after nearly 20 years of being there with me through all of my happy times and being a friendly and loving presence through all of the painful and difficult times as well ~ I now find myself thinking I failed her in the end because I could not save her ~ I find such comfort in knowing I am alone or odd and somewhat strange because of my feelings ~ One day I will post a photo of my sweetie petey ~ at this time I have no way to do so ~ but picture a beautiful tabby girl with a pink nose and a white blaze and mustasche and four white feet ~ and you will know my girl~ Peace Be With You ~ Kathryn, Angel Amber and C.C.

P.S. I too am so over protective of my 12 year old Angora C.C. now - and also find myself over compensating ~ I couldn't handle it if I had to lose him too ~ thanks again

I'm glad to hear that this thread is helping people. I'll probably keep the thread going til I get to the one year mark.

A special note in this thread: Luba's birthday.

Tomorrow, April 29th, 2005 would have been Luba's 10th birthday.

I am remarkably busy in my life right now, and I am coping ok. However, I have made reference to Luba to several people today, so she is obviously very much on my mind.

I wrote a thread regarding her birthday in the tributes section.

Overall, I was expecting this month to be much harder. Am I in for a major crash??? I hardly cry for her at all any more, although I miss her terribly.

I guess I can only wait and see how I'll cope tomorrow.

A few days after after Luba's birthday I'll be at 11 months. It's un-freaking believable that it's been that long.

Steph,

You and Luba will be in my thoughts tomorrow for her 10th birthday, and for her 11 month anniversary.

Thank you so much Kathleen. I appreciate it so very much.

Thank you for sharing your emotional journey after your loss. It has only been a week for me and already have been on a roller coaster of sad and relief. Most of the emotions come out of the blue, which makes it even more difficult to handle. I look at my remaining baby, patches, the only one left out of three dogs and i worry about her and have been smothering her with attention. I slept for almost 18 hours yesterday, recovering from the exhaustion of not sleeping well for the past week, and i dreamed of Sandy. I still see her everywhere. It is going to be a long hard journey and i know that. Not knowing what each day will bring. I am glad you have found the strength to write down your grieving process, it helped me to understand, and i'm sure it will help others. I know it has made me feel better at times to post here and let the emotions out to people who care.
Dawn

Month 10-11: I suppose this is how it will be from now on, or at least, for a long time to come. Life has become a different life. There is always a sense of missing her. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, but it's all so much calmer now.

Sometimes there is a feeling of unreality. Can it really be 11 months ago that she died. Sometimes I stop to think about her, to really remember her because the little details are fading. What did the texture of her coat feel like, what did she do when I scratched her ears, how did her feet sound on the floor etc etc.

I had one intense crying spell this past month. It lasted maybe ten minutes. Maybe less. Sometimes when I'm on my work I'll get a little misty eyed because I miss my "little colleague" so much.

There are still dreams of Luba, and dreams without her. In one dream I was telling someone that Luba died. It's in my subconscious now. The dreams are much calmer. I look at them as trying to teach me something.

Overall, I guess this is what it will be from now on.

It could be worse.

Dear Steph, I am thinking of you on this day that you lost you sweet Luba. I am so glad you kept this post going and I think it has helped a lot of people. Give Falkor a hug from me and I am sending hugs to you too Steph.
Love, Ann

Thanks Ann, and thank you all who have let me know that this thread has helped you. It has helped me in trying to sort it all out. Sometimes I felt a bit stupid for posting all of this, but if it's helped even one of ya, it's worth it. Luba would have wanted me to do it.