Steph,
Your original post at the top here was so helpful to me when I first came to this site 5 months ago when Ellie died. It gave me the hope that one day I would begin to heal and not be consumed with grief and that I would be able to look back with happy memories of the time we had spent together.

I am now 5 months 3 days down that road and I look back and read your post today, and I can see that every word you spoke was true as to the different stages of grief.

You were at the 5 month 5 days mark when you posted it, and I am exactly at that stage now.

I am sure that your post continues to help others who perhaps have newly arrived at Lightning Strike. I hope it helps them to realise that although it is a very long and hard road, that slowly and very gently things do begin to get better.

with love
jilly

Hi Steph.
I'm so happy I found you!... I've been lost - Reading your story is the first
twinge of relief after searching for anything to alleviate the grief of losing
my best friend Sunne two days ago, my beautiful Great Pyrenees boy...
the kindest person I knew.

He died of cardiac arrest after multiple surgeries on the same leg in the last
month, the last one two days ago, 5/4 to amputate it, which he survived, but an
hour later died as his enlarged heart just couldn't take any more. I just knew he
was going to return home to us, to play in the yard with his sister Cleo and our kids,
but it was not to be... I was totally unprepared.

Now have this hole in my chest... It hurts so bad. I wish so badly I could hold
him again... I miss him so much. I'm breaking down again as I write this-
I have a bit of his fur that I've been holding and smelling... God I loved him
so much. He was an amazing friend to me... like a saint, always there for
me, so loyal, trusting, loving, everything you could ever want in a friend.
I'm having a hard time breaking this cycle...

Your story is so real, a rare gift to see this do%%ented over time, something
truly comforting... it gives me hope and ideas.... I hope to dream of him as
you did with Luba.

I thank you so much, and everyone else on this thread for giving me a small
breath from this feeling.

I'll return with a picture of Sunne here so you can see my beautiful boy.
Next time I'll come back more composed without these ridiculous puddles
all over my keyboard.

Hi Jilly,

It's quite something how the grief is so personal, and yet there is such a common underlying thread to all of the stages. I'm glad that you are doing better.

Ben, I'm so sorry that you lost your Sunne. Yes, please post his photo here. I'm glad my thread was a help to you.

Hi Steph
I read your journey of grief perhaps because mine seems like it will be forever, I lost my little boy Perseus in October then 3 weeks later my husband, I never had time to grieve properly for Perseus as my husband was dying from cancer, but now 6 months later I miss them both so much.

I am in some sort of phase where I do not know who I am or where I am going in this world, I have another 4 dogs at home and one is quite sick I am so scare she too will be taken from me, I have tried to take little steps to put my life back on some sort of functional routine, but there is no point, I exist day by day but not living, I leave in fear I may lose another one.

I do not know why I am saying all this ever, but I have seen the picture of your girl and my heart felt for her beautiful loving eyes, somehow I could relate to your grif journey, I am glad for you that finally you can see some peace, for myself I know it will be years, before Perseus I had lost 4 other dogs and now with the death of my husband I am grieveing everyone of them.

Kind thoughts

Lilith,

I can't imagine what you must have been going through these past months. I'm so sorry that you have had to deal with such devastating losses.

I am glad that my journey has helped you in some way. I'm just re-reading it. My golden retriever has taken a turn for the worse again today. I'm hoping he'll rebound again, but I have to prepare myself. It's so difficult.

Steph,
It's a wonderful thing, the legacy that Luba has left...
With your starting this forum, and continuing to support
people like this... This is quite profound I think... your
giving in this way over the months... I'm sure you relive
your grief in some form every time you console a new
member. This way of paying respect shows much integrity...
You've helped so many strangers... Myself being one of them,
I really thank you for that. Luba will never be forgotten.

Still working on my pictures of Sunne...
No need to reply, just wanted to give you a sincere thanks...

Lilith, your story is heartwrenching... I hope these pages give
you something to hold on to as they have for me...

Day 1 - Awful. He was taken unexpectedly from us. He seemed fine in the morning but passed by 3 pm. I went home and wrote a colorfully worded letter to the Banfield vet home office about how it took over and hour to even begin treatment on my dog. I looked down when I felt something lying on my foot where Kamikazi always slept. I saw gray fur and for a split second I thought it was Kamikazi. I hyperventaliated till I passed out.

Day two - mothers day. I have always refered to my furbabies as my babies..... so this day is for me. My husband and I can not have children... so my furbabies are it. Spent most of the days crying or just just feeling numb. I keep finding his stuff everywhere. I think about him constantly.

I will fill you all in as the days progress if you are interested.

Thank you Steph for this thread. It's helped me immensely. I should probably make one for myself and maybe it will help.

Kamikaze's mom...since Steph started this thread for Luba, you should probably make one for Kamikaze and we can follow it easier and support you along the way.

Conclusion:

Month 11-12: This month seems to have been very similar to the last, with the exception to the last ten days or so. I found myself re-living Luba's last weeks/days. This "year anniversary" has been quite rough, however, it was bearable. I took some time to take a walk by myself and think of her. I also busied myself doing other things, so I had a nice balance and did not trip back into depression.

I thank all who have read my journey.

Steph

Thank you for this post...
Tomorrow is day 7. One long, bitter, sorrowfilled week. One week since I've held him, kissed him, scratched behind his ears... One week since I've felt whole. I've done well the past few days.. but I can feel it welling up in me again... I still come home and expect that he'll be here... and when he is not it's like a knife has stabbed me. I think about him constantly... I put on a good act for the world but inside I am still falling apart. I feel completely alone without him. The one thing in this world I could always count on is gone. I'm constantly whispering the words "I miss you baby"... Lord how I miss him.
While hard to believe right now, one day I hope to be able to look at this post and feel that there is hope. I can't imagine ever feeling ok without him here... 1 week feels like a lifetime... There are many moments where I just want to go to him, wherever he is, and I don't care what I have to do to get there. I would do anything to be with him again... I would do anything to rid myself of the pain I feel. I just want him back..

I'm so sorry Jenn. I know exactly how you feel. I was there too, but he wouldn't want you to be with him yet. Not until your lifetime has run it's proper course. You must take it one hour at a time. You need to honour him by living life, and enjoying as much of it as possible.

Again, I am so sorry.

Steph,

Thank you for keeping this thread going for your year of grief. When I first lost Saki & Freyja two years ago (their deaths were 3 weeks apart, but in my heart its always just felt like one big ache), I honestly thought I might die from the pain....I was sure that if I somehow managed to NOT die, I would most certainly lose my mind.

In any case, as I've read through your journey, I really like your terminology of being "calmer." I have found it difficult to describe what happens-- you don't miss them less, you don't "get over it,".... but in my experience it does get "calmer." That's a good word.

I also appreciate your discussion of over protectiveness of surving fur babies. That's a big issue for me.

Anyway, no need to reply, I just wanted to thank you for the thread.

Hello Steph,

I want to thank you for this thread too, you are very good at articulating the feelings. I am at month 10 and I have found your descriptions to be spot on at every step of the way.

For everyone else out there who just lost their furbaby, please hang in there and know that it slowly gets better with time. No not better maybe but like Steph said, calmer. You learn to accept life without your pet... you can't force it, it just happens naturally and passage of time seems to be the only salve for the pain.

I still would give anything in the world to have my Jake back here with me, I have said those very words many many times: I just want him back. I cried my heart out for the first 6-8 months and I still have a moment occassionally.. but I know how much he loved life and how happily he lived it. I can't be exactly like him, but I am trying...

Peace and blessings to everyone.

Steph,

I add my thanks to all the others for your post.You speak for many of us in our journey throuh grief. Some think that when they understand their pain that it will be over and that's just not the case. I'm glad you are on that journey to healing. Some day I will hopefully be at that point too.

All the best,

This morning I had a suprise - an email from Lightning Strike from someone who had read my journey. I am very honoured to have had people read this epic emotional trip of mine. I am glad to hear that it has helped some of you. I did it to honour Luba, and it seems, that it worked.

Best wishes to all - Steph

I thought I'd bump this up to the top again. I know reading through Steph's journey has certainly helped with my journey. I hope it might help some new members.

Hugs,
Kathleen

I am an ew member and it did help me to read this. it makes me feel like I am not crazy. Thanks.

Steph,

I can understand what you are going through. I am new to the forum and I just recently lost my cat and I am still in the intitial stages of my personal grief. What happened was unexpected and I was not prepared to face a life without my Odin. I feel sorry that you did not have an opportunity to say goodbye. I was given that opprtunity and I am very grateful for it. Not only am I suffering with my own sadness but also with that of his brother Loki. We spent, rather I spent, 15 mintues sobbing on the kitchen floor watching him pace and meow looking for his brother. I have been a complete mess at work. I have pictures of my cats everywhere at work and whenever I think about what happened or what I could have done to prevent this I break down. The best that I can do is to share and pass the time with Loki and give him all the love and then some that I would have given his brother. I think its important, especially when other animals are involved that you need to be strong for them as well. Give them an extra hug or kiss or spend some extra quality time with them. It is time well spent and will help them through their grief as well. Its never easy to lose a companion. They give you unconditional love and support and ask for nothing in return. I've lost a few cherished pets along the years and the pain does get better with time. But I look at them knowing that they made my life happier and fuller.

Best of luck to you Steph,
Cynthia

Hello, I've just returned to town after a lengthy time away. I am glad that this thread is continuing to help people.
Luba is still greatly missed, but Falkor and I are doing well. I am grateful for each day that I have with him.
If anyone wishes to speak to an "old-timer" of LS, just send me an email at:
steph_g@sympatico.ca

HI STEPH,
YES , I SURE WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK WITH YOU. AND ASK SOME INFO OF YOU AND OR ANYONE ELSE. FIRST THOUGH, LET ME SAY THAT LUBA ~IS~ BEAUTIFUL. ALL OF THE MEMBERS PETS HAVE THAT`LOOK` THAT BEAUTIFUL LOOK THAT SPEAKS VOLUMES FOR THEIR CARETAKERS AND LOVING HUMAN COMPANIONS: NAMELY US.

I LOST "DOLLY", A 13 YEAR OLD BEAGLE GIRL ON JUNE 29TH OF THIS YEAR. MY REACTION WAS/IS SO BAD I'M ACTUALLY CONCERNED AND FRIGHTENED. I HAVE ALL THE HORRIBLE SYMPTOMS THAT YOU SPELLED OUT. AND ONE IN PARTICULAR THAT REALLY , REALLY TORTURES ME. SEE, I LIVE IN THE COUNTRY WHERE DOLLY WAS IN PARADISE. ACRES OF FIELDS TO RUN ETC. A BIG FENCED IN BACKYARD ETC. AND HER "HUSBAND" AS I CALLED HIM "FREDDIE" A LOVABLE LITTLE 12 INCH BEAGLE IS LEFT SURVIVING HER AT 13 1/2 YRS. OLD. AND IN GREAT SHAPE THANK GOD. HE IS IN GRIEF ALSO, WHICH TEARS ME APART. I GIVE HIM ALL THE ATTENTION , TREATS , I RUN HIM EVERYDAY , BUT STILL, IT IS THE SADDEST THING I HAVE GONE THROUGH.

MY QUESTION: DID YOUR HOME TORTURE YOU ?? WHERE THEY'LD LIED DOWN ETC. I CAN SEE HER WALKING AROUND .I LOOK AT THE FIELD ; SHE WON'T BE THERE EVER AGAIN. I LOOK AT THE RUG WHERE SHE'LD "PEEP" AT ME. I USED TO PEEK AROUND THE CORNER AT HER AND SEE HER EARS FLARED "LOOKING FOR ME" WHEN SHE SAW ME SHE'LD DROP HER REAR AND CIRCLE WAG HER TAIL. NEVER EVER HAVE I FELT THAT LOVED, NEVER. NO DIRESPECT TO ALL MY "HUMAN" LOVES GIRLFRIENDS ETC. BUT THEY DON'T COME CLOSE. REALLY.
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS STARE AT A SPOT AND START THINKING/REMEMBERING VISUALIZING AND BANG ! THE TEARS START . IT'S BEEN ALMOST TWO MONTHS...
DID YOU OR ANYONE ELSE HAVE THIS ?? AND DOES IT ~EVER~EVER~ GO AWAY. I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL PROPERTY THAT I SERIOUSLY AM THINKING OF SELLING OR MORE LIKE ABANDONING.
I DO BELIEVE SOME EMOTIONAL DAMAGE (LIKE PHYSICAL DAMAGE) CAN LEAVE PERMANENT SCARRING ?
DOES THIS GET BETTER ??
THANKS IN ADVANCE,
PHIL. L

I know that I wrapped up this thread at my one year anniversary, but I feel that I must put down the latest change in my grief:
I used to think of Luba intensly on the month anniversary (the 5th) of her death. For the past two months, however, the 5th has come and gone, and I've completely forgotten the death anniversary.

At first I felt badly, but then a friend of mine (who I actually met here at LS!) pointed out to me that I was now fully focussed on Luba's life, and not her death anymore. It is true. I think of her so much, but really, it's almost always about our happy times together. I miss her more than words can say. But I'm healed now.

I hope you all get to where I am at.

Hi Steph :

Isn't being healed such a pleasant feeling??

I am very happy for you, Steph.

It goes to show that, "YES, HEALING CAN & WILL HAPPEN, BUT FIRST...YOU MUST GO THROUGH A JOURNEY"


SOME JOURNEY'S ARE VERY LONG......SOME CAN BE SHORT.....FROM BEGINNING TO END....THE LENGTHS ARE DIFFERENT FOR ALL OF US------ BUT..... I SINCERELY BELIEVE THAT, GIVEN THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF TIME, LOVING YOURSELF, BEING KIND TO YOURSELF - THERE WILL BE HEALING!!!

Thinking about you & yours,

Love, Denise

Thank you so much for this! I am just into my third week of missing my lovely girl, Winnie. She was with me for most of my adult life, and her absence is so incredibly painful. Being at home and looking at all of the places she used to sleep, her toys, pictures of her... it is all so overwhelming. I miss her so much, and I often hear myself saying over and over "Oh, I miss you, Baby Girl, I wish so much you could be here with me!" I cry every day, sometimes several times. But, I do have moments of peace (for which I felt guilty at first, but now know are gifts from her!), but the grief always comes back so strongly that it feels like the first day again!

Anyway, it's really helpful to know that we all go on a similar journey. And although I understand that it will be a long one for me, I think I can at least face it (a day, or an hour, at a time) knowing that I will feel "calmer" in time. She will always be in my heart, and I will be forever grateful for all of the wonderful years we shared and all of the lovely memories we created together. She was the light of my life and taught me so much about true love. I agree that human love, while it can be wonderful in its own right, is not the same as the love we share with our furbabies. I look forward to the day that I can think of her with less sadness. I do believe that we will be together again in time. It's just that getting through until then can seem too much to bear. Thank you again for letting me know that it is, indeed, possible. I think that we do need to honor them and all that they taught us by living a full and meaningful life and to learn what we were sent here to learn. Maybe that will help us to feel more prepared and peaceful when our own time comes.

It helps so much to get all of this out and to know that so many caring people understand.

Eliza

Thanks for that. It helps to know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Luna

Steph, thanks for your post about Luna. Although over a year old, it comforted me to read about your journey and to look at her beautiful picture. I identified especially with two things you wrote, first, remembering just how long it has been (one day, one week, etc.) and the obsession with looking at pictures. I just lost my sweetheart Rudy on September 25, from cancer. It was just 8 days after his 10th birthday, and a week after my birthday. He wasn't my first dog (I've had at least one dog since I was born, and had two before Rudy), and as your vet told you, I remember intense grief for about a year afterwards, and many sad thoughts for many years afterwards. It is only in the past few years that I can think of either of those dogs (gone 10 years and 6 years, respectively) without tears.

What is worse for me this time (although I grieved deeply for the others also) is that his death wasn't on my radar screen. My other dogs, Howie and Penny, lived to be 15 and 16 respectively and failed gradually, dying from old age. Rudy was like a young dog until July, and he was active until two days before he died. Although I knew he had cancer since late July, and he had some symptoms (that our vet was unable to diagnose) since January, I guess I was in denial. He was a happy dog, and I didn't want to be sad around him. Maybe I also believed he would beat the odds with holistic treatment (conventional had nothing to offer us).

I feel guilty in a way I did not in the past, because of his age. Could I have done something different? Did I somehow contribute to his cancer? Rationally I know the answer is probably not, but emotionally is a different story.

A few post ago Phil asked if it will get better, and I want to say, I know from experience that yes, it will. I don't think you have to sell your house to accomplish this. But I also know that those words are easier to write, than to feel.

Thanks for this wonderful site.
Gina

I'm so sorry for your loss, Steph, and I feel so much for everyone else on this forum who has lost a beloved companion. Thank you for this thread.

I lost my amazing, beautiful, intelligent and affectionate Dusky Conure, T-bird on June 5th, 2005--one year after you lost your Luba. She was 16 years old. Her death was due to neglect by a certain person who had been entrusted to care for her for the four days I was gone at a reunion. She was my best friend throughout my entire adult life (I'm 37 now.)

Soon I will tell my story here, but I'm not ready yet.

Thank you Steph. That was really moving... I am crying tears of hope and relief for you. xo Allison

This thread is amazing...I am touched so by darling Luba and your love for her. I am losing my precious heart Freddy to cancer and I am terrified of the great abyss of grief I will face soon...I know I will be coming back to this thread often. Through your grief and loss you have helped so many. Thank you.

Wow, I'm always amazed when I pop in here, and see that my thread is still up.

I'm sorry that so many more have suffered such devastating losses.

I've been thinking of my girl a lot lately. Falkor has been feeling stronger, (he has arthritis) so I took him to one of the local spots where I used to go with Luba. It was a very peaceful experience. I feel so lucky to have had her in my life.

Hi there Steph! You're the only familiar face I see on here! I'm happy to read that Falkor is doing well.
I'm popping on here because I am having a scare with Max.....waiting for test results, it's maddening. So
I know I can always be comforted and understood when I come on here...

Take care everyone,

Karen

steph- YOU are a godsend !!! feeling your love for Luba and hearing of you overcoming continual grief and actually being able to live life again gives me encouragement that the seemingly impossible might at some point in time actually be possible for me , also. i haven't been able to hold my baby bear bear for 12 days now and i honestly don't know what to do. i'm a 48 yr. old man and have been with my wife for 20yrs. now. i can't help but put blame on both of us; me for screwing up and having to be locked up for 5 days, and her for not honoring my wishes concerning the care and protection of my sweet angel boy, bear, a beautiful 4 yr. old black lab. he was the most gentle , loving animal i have ever been blessed to know, and he trusted that nothing would want to hurt him as he was incapable of hurting anything, even though the 1st yr. of his life he was abused. it is definately putting a strain on our marriage as although we both loved and miss bear, we grieve very differently and she feels i should just get over it- he was just an animal, a very loving animal, but an animal just the same. we have lost other pets and human family members together and have been able to grieve together and support one another, but this time is much different and i am going crazy.
i am sooooo empty and cannot get him off my mind for even a brief moment. he loved life so much-he was so strong, and he loved to run. everyone in our country town knew and loved bear. please keep bumping this thread to the top, as it a wonderful memorial to Luba. please give Falkor a big hug for me and may GOD continue to bless and keep you. ron(and josie kitty) in pa

18 month anniversary:

I've been a bit weepy over this latest "landmark date". I think of Luba a lot, and have been dreaming about her.

My Falkor has been off and on sick, and naturally I've been quite worried.

It's strange thinking back over these 18 months. So much has happened since my girl died. Life has gone on, and yet, I'll always miss her.

Hey there Steph......

How are you my friend?



Yes, life does go on...and, I know that your gorgeous Luba will always, always be a part of who you are..... She's right inside your big heart!!

It is comforting to hear that Luba has come to you in your dreams... She's letting you know that she's well and happy..

And your sweet Falkor.... Is it his arthritis kicking up?? He is soooo adorable!!

You've been in my thoughts, Steph...
You & all of my wonderful friends that I have met here at LS

I had a serious illness in October that had been coming on for months, but I feel (and pray), that I'm turning the corner....
Life is SO VERY, VERY PRECIOUS!!!!!

God Bless You & Yours, Steph..

Give Falkor a big hug from us.

Love, Denise, Ben, Ms. Lucy & Mr. Yoster

It's sad for me reading through this thread because when the thread started I still had my baby and was living in paradise. Then the dates in this thread got closer to that terrible night and boom, I felt like I was living in hell.

Steph:
I lost my little guy on September 11th. I wish it hadn't happened on THAT DATE because it isn't one that will ever be able to slip by me unnoticed. Whenever I see an old receipt laying around I am afraid to look at the date on it.

Phillonne:
I know what you mean about seeing them everywhere you look - everything has a memory. That's the hardest part and still is for me. Most of the time the memories that come up now are good ones but you feel so devastated on the inside that it is too painful to dwell on and you shed a tear and try to put it out of your mind. Then those "last moment" memories sneak back in and torment you again. At first I had to leave everything that reminded me of my baby out exactly as he left it - but then it became too much of a reminder that he wasn't coming back.

I'm at month 3 1/2 and I am starting to feel some peace but still cry - though thankfully not as often. Isn't it strange though, after you've been crying every day for so long - you really miss that deep emotional breakdown. And when you are experiencing the emotional breakdown you wish it would stop because you feel you cannot survive any more heartbreak. Does anyone else feel like that? If someone reading this is in the first days or weeks of just losing your sweet friend, I hope that some how you can let the deep sorrow and uncontrollable sobs that pour out from deep within your broken heart cradle and comfort you. I'm sorry for your loss. I know how it hurts.

Feb. 2006 - 19 + months: why am I suddenly having vivid dreams about Luba again?????

Hi Steph
I know what you mean - why after some months does everything come flooding back and dreams start becoming vivid again? I dont know the answer I'm afraid - but I feel it too. maybe subconsciously we are starting to heal in some way and maybe even feel a little guilty for it - I still miss my baby so much and every time I come here, it starts afresh but it still helps to know that we are all in the same place really.
Maybe its a sign from our babies too - if our minds aren't so clouded with grief, maybe theres room for other things to reach in and comfort us? if anyone knows, please tell us.

for all of you
Fiona

I read this thread and wonder how I will get through this journey, or even if I want to, especially now at the 1 month mark. Tomorrow morning is 1 month since my kitty Fig died. His death was unexpected. He had hypertrophic cardiomyopathy (enlarged heart), diagnosed the year before, but his condition was deemed "stable". He'd been on meds daily for 1 year and was outwardly a very healthy, active, vibrantly alive being. On January 19th, I took him in for the highly recommended 1 year follow up ultrasound of his heart to see if his condition had remained stable or worsened.

I could describe my 30 day journey this way:

January 17th- tossed ball for Fig while he was perched on his cat tree. He reached out and snagged the ball out of the air. 10pm, Fig and Bean (my other kitty) did their usual nightly run through the house with tons of energy.
January 18th- worked at home today and so Fig got lots of attention. He may have slept in my lap at my desk; can't remember. Played with catnip toy for a little while. I was worried about the upcoming appointment (tomorrow) to have an ultrasound of his heart done. Late evening meeting for work, come home tired. Restless night's sleep. Fig slept in his cat bed, rather than his usual spot on my feet.
January 19th- Have to ignore Fig's insistent pleas for food this morning because he has to go in fasting for this test. Take Fig to vet. He doesn't want to go, but I put him in his carrier and we leave before my husband or Bean wake up. Just like the day I adopted him 6 years ago, he stares at me through the cat carrier bars with a look of total love and devotion as we drive the few miles to the vet. In the exam room, they give him a mild sedative in hopes of avoiding the use of anesthetic. Emblazened in my brain are a few last images of him in his carrier, looking a lit nervous, but being brave. I lift him up to hand him to the technician. That is the last hug I get from Fig. He was a good hugger. I sit in the waiting room.
The sedative is not sufficient to calm him for the ultrasound. The vet, not his usual vet but one who specializes in reading EKGs, asks for my authorization to use anesthetic (gas). I am sick with worry. My subconscious is screaming 'no', but both doctors keep recommending the procedure to see how his heart is. Finally, I sign it, feeling like I'm rushing myself through it just so it will be over with and he can come home. The receptionist sees that I am almost in tears with worry, and tells me that they will have a heart and oxygen monitor on him the whole time and will take good care of him. I go home to wait. Within 20 minutes, they call. "His heart stopped beating, please hurry back". I watch the vet manually pumping his heart by squeezing his belly area. I am numb. I trace my finger along his nose and head, along his back and legs and his long fluffy tail- my last chance to touch him while he's still, well, warm, but not even really alive anymore. I can barely speak, I can barely breathe. "heart stopped beating" doesn't quite register as a death sentence yet; I beg them in a barely audible voice to do something, anything to help him. My husband has to go back in to tell the vet to stop because my voice has left me.

I think back now... DID THAT REALLY HAPPEN?
I can't believe it. The denial is still so strong. The disbelief is so strong it almost has a solid quality, as if it's something so big and bleak that I could touch it.

Fig was only 6 years old and, as I said, outwardly young and healthy and extremely playful. Obviously his condition had worsened, but I didn't expect that he'd die. Still, I've felt unbearably guilty for not listening to my gut feeling that day when they asked me to okay the use of anesthetic. The guilt is fresh and raw every day.
I didn't listen to my gut. What kind of idiot am I? How stupid! How unfaithful to Self! I am so angry with myself, so disappointed, so devestated, so sickened by my decision. Especially today, the eve of the one month mark of his death.

Fig had a personality that was bigger than any animal or person I have ever known, and so my home, my head, my heart, my spirit are empty. There is a void that sickens me. He talked in the way Maine Coons do- with chirps, coos and humms that punctuated his every move. And so the silence is deafening.

I visit his grave every day, and hope that I can find some peace, hope I can commune with his spirit. But I still see him lying on the vet's table, I still see his body as it was right before we buried him. And I wish I could curl up down in the ground with him. He could "spoon" in bed the way 2 people do, all curled up nestled with his back against my belly, holding onto my hand with his paw. I want that again.

I don't want to move on or get through this. Because if I do that means that I'm letting go of the life I had with Fig. I have read about how stages of grief can involve periods of disorganization and reorganization, where you encounter new daily routines in your loved one's absence, and you adapt and learn new routines. Well, I don't want to. I want to pretend that he runs into the bathtub to beg for water whenever I walk into the bathroom, I want to pretend that he stretches up to the counter whenever I get the shredded cheese out, I want to pretend that he greets me at the door, that he sleeps on my feet at night, that he's lying on the back cushion of the couch when i sit down to read a book, that he's lying in the sunbeam behind my desk or watching birds out the window, his long whiskers twitching. I don't want to engage in this new life, this new routine where it's just me and my husband and lonely little Bean. i want to hold onto what it was like. I am SO afraid that I will forget him. I was so happy in the life we had, and now I am just painfully sad and don't see the point of anything.

Tomorrow morning is 1 month.

Chris in NC

Chris in NC

Your post really hit home with me. Jan 19th at 6:35 I lost my Tillie very much like you was clueless that death was at the door but then again a gut feeling of something is not right. I took her to the vet they said a internal infection even gave me a choice to keep her at home and treat her I insisted she be hospitalized and given antibotics by IV's. I dropped her off kissed her and the tears flowed the girl said she'll be fine come back in a hour if you want. I did'nt I could'nt I was afraid she would think I was gonna take her home so my daughter went instead. Tillie seemed to be sleeping comfortably so I keep imanging the worse then would tell myself NO your over reacting. We got the call that she was dieing and they were breathing for her and we would not make it in time. My baby died without us there it was awful. Like your post which explains so well where I am at. I don't right now want to find acceptance I don't want to forget for a minute my Tillie I am afraid of all of the healing I guess.

I cannot imangine another day without her but yet I know tomorrow she won't be here let alone 1 yr or 50 yrs. I almost feel like it is a dishonor to her to heal I hope this is a normal part of the grief and I am not gonna stay this heartbroken forever but then again I feel like I should be this heartbroken forever does that make any sense to anyone?

Steph I read this whole thread and thank you it did give me a hope that I will get through this but then like Chris do I even want to?

Today is the 1 month mark for us too Chris I am angry ,sad ,I sit here and try to find words I can't I miss my girl sooo much I sleep with a pillow which has her picture on it and her collar every night not one day has gone by that I don't weep and I don't care if my family and friends don't get it. When life got tuff I would come home grab my Tillie and go to the bedroom and play and cuddle with her and now life is as tuff as I have ever known and Tillie is not there to grab and play with. Yes I have two other dogs I love and adore but Tillie .....she was my heart and a part of my soul. How can I even get better? And why would I even want to? Well guess I'll end sounding a crazy as I feel today.

Tillie

Tillie's mom,
It's not exactly a comfort, but somehow there is something in the connection we have in our shared losses that makes me feel less alone. (The connection being that we lost our little ones on the same exact day, unexpectedly). Next year at this time, I know I will think of you. And probably on the 19th of every month I will wonder about you.

You said-
[I almost feel like it is a dishonor to her to heal I hope this is a normal part of the grief and I am not gonna stay this heartbroken forever but then again I feel like I should be this heartbroken forever does that make any sense to anyone?]

I hear that. Moving on, healing is something that I simply don't want to do. Not yet, and I can't imagine that it will happen any time soon because I'm afraid that means I've let go of him a bit more. And right now, I am clutching onto my life with him, all the habits and routines of our daily lives together.

You said-
[/When life got tuff I would come home grab my Tillie and go to the bedroom and play and cuddle with her and now life is as tuff as I have ever known and Tillie is not there to grab and play with.]

Amazingly, my furkid was a cat, not a dog, but he was as snuggly as most dogs are. We had the same routine for sustaining and supporting each other. I used to have a job I hated and would come home exhausted after a long commute. The whole drive home, I looked forward to seeing Fig. Fig would greet me at the door (like a dog) and I would scoop him up and head for my bed. He was, as I said in my previous post, good at "spooning". And on days when I took a nap or slept in, I'd say to my husband, "I need a cat", and of course he knew I meant "I need Fig". (my other kitty, Bean, snuggles on her own terms, as she is just a hair more typical cat in nature). He'd bring Fig in and plop him down on the bed, where he'd scoot his back against my belly and collapse in a dizzyingly happy purring state. He was a big cat- 16 pounds (maine coons are big) and so there was a lot to hug and snuggle with. I miss that immensely. He was such a comfort.

I looked deep into his eyes more than I look deep into the eyes of my other cat, my husband, my best friend, my mom. Fig and I exchanged something when we looked deep into each other's eyes. It was the most profound, heartfelt unconditional love I have ever known. And I know that he knew how much I loved him, and I knew how much he loved me.

Tonight, I visited his grave, as I've done every single night in the last month. I wrote him a note, "Figgy, I love you and I miss you, Love Mom." My husband added, "Ham (his nickname) you're the best". I folded the note and tucked it into a tiny seashell and set it on his grave. I stood there silently for longer than usual, letting my head quiet down so my soul could listen for his spirit, and when I walked away, I really felt his presence by my side more than I have in weeks. I talk to him still, not just the speech of grief (e.g., "I miss you") but the typical way I used to talk to him, "Come on Fig. Check this out. Did you see that bird?" etc.

I swear, I don't feel crazy even doing that. I've read a lot in the past month about pet loss and how people who have lost pets grieve and how the counselors try to validate their grief. I guess I never questioned that it was okay to love and grieve for an animal that much. For me it, his loss is more profound and devestating than any human loss I've experienced. I know this reaction might be foreign for some people, and so I've avoided those types because I would have little tolerance for their ignorance and coldness/lack of empathy.
Well, peace to you, though I know it is hard to feel.
Chris

Yes Chris I too feel a connection to you . There are some pets that have such a depth to them that I think we all feel here. I have lost before my mom and my dad it was very hard but I think this too has maybe even been worse for me. My parents did not live with me. Every move in this house I made involved Tillie and my other 2 dogs. But Tillie was by my side every minute I was home. If I showered every day she would lick my ankles to help me dry off If I went to the bathroom she went she slept right above my head every night from the day she came home with us and snored like a frieght train. I think this is where the difference is our parents were not stuck to our side like Fig and Tillie.

My other 2 dogs well Betty the collie is 15 since Tillie passed she has had a trama I guess it complicated but she is quickly losing her site and well I am afraid she won't make it much longer. And my Golden Molly has been ok but 2 nights now she has slept by my head just like Tillie did she never did this before and she is kinda big LOL but I let her do it. Yes I understand exactally where you are at and quite frankly it is horrible. I pray for comfort but maybe now is not the time yet I don't know but I hope and pray we both we can endure it all. Take care and next Thursday I will be thinking of you too.

Tillie

It has been five months (and four days) since I lost my Rudy and I thought I would visit the lightning strike board again, and re-read Steph's post about her journey though grief after Luba died. I found it a great comfort when I first joined. I am just about where she was when she started this thread. Overall, I am OK, but for the past few weeks I have been having one of the "down" spells. I miss him so much.
Gina

Just wanted to thank Steph for this thread. I keep checking and seem to be following the grief pattern ok I guess. Been 9 weeks and well I hurt so much but I am almost looking foward to less hurt as time goes on. I have so many dreams of Tillie can't always make sense of them the last was her and I laying in a life raft but not on the water? But she was there next to me that was all that mattered. Thanks again Steph for sharing your most painful experiances to help all of us.

Tillies mom

Two years and one day:

I'm rarely here anymore though Luba lives on in my memory. I've been blessed to have Falkor carry me through these two years.

In April I lost a dear friend to suicide, and I hope that if there is an afterlife my Luba has gone to him to help him on his way. He needs her guidance more than I do at this point. I sent her a prayer, and asked her to find him. I hope she heard me.

She was a wonderful dog. I shed a couple of tears at yesterday's two year mark.

She will be missed forever.

Good God, here I go again starting with week 1. Though, I suppose this time round I'm less in denial because Falkor did not die suddenly.

Reading what you just said...all I could think of....running through my mind...was

But the Pain is not any less..........................

Miles and I were just like that. I knew she was waiting for me in her little window bed, and would jump down and pretend she had been awake all day. I hated my job so much it was the last job I ever had working for someone else, and she would make things all right and gave me a hero's welcome.

She was also the first animal with the eye contact thing, and it is just as you say. The first time it happened, it almost scared me; "There is someone living in there!" One day, as if she had something urgent to tell me, she just jumped up in my lap and stared into my eyes, and I saw it.

I have more and more good days, as everyone does in time, but had a horrible lapse yesterday. We have another long-haired black cat who walked around a corner unexpectedly, and my mind just slipped and I was sure it was Miles, and began singing one of the songs I wrote for her....Then to my horror realized what had happened. I was VERY upset at myself. I calmed down by making a funny picture on that New Beginnings Thread, but still did not sleep too well.

thank you Steph for your post. It actually helped out a bit. It's been only a month but I'm still having a difficult time in dealing with Candy's death. At least I have a general idea of what to expect.

Thank you again!

Candy's Dad
Hal