good morning to you, lynette! what a nice surprise. i was visiting again, re-reading posts regarding madelynne.

thank you for the compliment. i'm not a writer, per se, although the gift of writing runs in my family for many generations. i am an artist, however, and have always strived to write to present everything is the clearest and sincerest way possible. i was schooled in studio art and art history, although my working life landed me in a completely different venue. this has been a good thing, so that i can separate myself properly every day. creating is very personal to me, and selling it was very difficult. i had to stop. so, the jobs i've had over the years are a means to an end, which is really to care for all my peeps and me somewhere in there.

i do feeling better today. i put on something fun, albeit muted in color, and look forward to spending some time with my friend, kristen, after work. she is 34, which is significant, as there is a huge world of difference between her and my daughter, who is 32. there is no replacing my daughter, to be clear. however, i see in kristen the healthy relationship i have always wished for with my daughter.

it's all so interconnected, losing madelynne and all the paths crossing in my life.

i believe i'm heading into glorious sunshine and sunsets.

the next few entries will be pics of some of my peeps, starting with jasper...

this picture is my dolly, aka l'il peep, sitting on top of madelynne, and my sweet sammy jo... this is one of my favorite pics of all time. total peace and harmony.

this is tess, the first at intake when she was heavily pregnant, and the second, fully rehabilitated and happy...

my sweet sammy jo,... regal and wise, bedecked in pearls...

sweet madelynne,...

l'il peep,... a little 6.5 pound chi-doxie mix i rescued who was living outside!!! she runs the house, telling everyone what to do. any disturbance, like rabbits sparring, and she's on the job, alerting me that something is amiss. she is by my side all the time and sleeps deep under the covers. i only call her dolly when i need to correct her. other than that, i call l'il peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, and she comes running. during the worst first days after losing madelynne, when the tears flowed, she would rush to my side, jump in my lap and hug my chest. tears well up as i write this...

jamy and sebastian... jamy is the light brown bun-bun. i lost him this past may to old age- he was about 10. he had a host of health issues, to include debilitating arthritis and an inoperable ganglion cyst on his wrist that broke his skin open a month or so before he passed. i used manuka honey to treat this and the tumor reduced to a third of its size in 12 days. had he not passed away, he would have fully recovered from the cyst. he had many companions over the years. here with sebastian. they loved, loved, LOVED each other. i am still so very sad for sebastian. i have paired him with fern and they just now tolerate each other. no snuggle love... yet. i'm hoping.

my sweet, tormented fern... in 2012, a rescue contact sent me a craig's list ad about a bunny for sale. i didn't need another bunny. something prompted me to pursue. the picture showed a horrible habitat, outside, filthy beyond words. i contacted the owner and he said "a guy" was coming that afternoon to pick "it" up. "it" was no longer suitable for his daughter. "it" started nipping and biting. i can only imagine the trauma this poor little thing suffered at the hands of this child and her parents. i was instantly alarmed. doom. this bunny was going for bait or food or something bad. i raced over there, handed the guy the $ and he handed "it" over like a piece of garbage with the plague. i rushed home with "it," easily lifted "it" out of the transport box, and upon examination, discovered "she" was very young and very, very thin. i immediately offered her fresh greens, water, hay, a snuggle bed. she didn't know what to do. over the course of the next few days, i found urine outside the litter box. this is very unusual, as bunnies are pretty much instantly litter box trained. she slept and slept and slept. at times, i thought she was dead. i inadvertently startled her several times and she was in an instant panic and full attack mode. then i saw her drinking her urine!! omg, this poor thing survived with virtually no food or water by "recycling" her urine!!! then the behavioral issues came into full bloom. any time i neared, and esp. my hand, she lunged and bit viciously. this poor baby had been traumatized to the point she did not even recognize a kind hand!

at this point, i realized she was going to be with me forever. we have come a long way. i can easily pick her up and pet her now. always move slowly and preface with a soothing voice. she has completely recovered physically and has perfect toileting habits. given her dire beginnings, my hope is for her and sebastian to become snuggle partners.

the first pic shows her habitat before jamy passed away. it has expanded to include the wing next door. lots of romping room. she loves the second floor of her habitat. the last pic in the series is her habitat with her previous owner (her fur hides her emaciated state...).

sabine, my sweet, sweet little peep. she passed away last year. way too early. in 2010, i rescued her and her brother sebastian from a feed store, where they were for sale. sabine had a stroke the following year and she was under my constant watch and care. she had to learn to navigate and eat with a permanent head tilt. i started her out in a small kennel and increased her living space as her healing progressed. i ended up putting her with my guinea pigs boebs (boops; boebs is a dutch spelling of a made up name i gave my very first guinea pig when i was a little girl- the name boebs has been used many times over the years...), betty, and snuggles. she needed a habitat that had a blanket and towel floor to offer her stability when she hopped. she struggled with recurring "snuffles" which is a bunny cold, and common for bunnies with head tilt. there was no known cause for her stroke. perhaps congenital, perhaps an infection i was not aware of. i miss my sabine...

the pics show sabine with her brother sebastian before her stroke, betty and sabine, and boebs and sabine

betty and boebs (pronounced boops). i found boebs at petco in 2007. she had an infection on her front leg and of course, i had to take her home at that point. i had a lot of animals to care for and soon realized boebs needed a friend. i have had guinea pigs since i was a little girl. my first boebs joined me when i was about 5. i found betty at a local kill shelter. love at first sight, these two were the happiest little piggies! betty lived to be 7 and boebs 7.5. that is really ancient for piggies. the last pic of the week boebs died. she had difficulty moving and to ensure she ate her fair share, i put her in the kitchen sink, where she happily munched away at greens and water mellon. my cat, heath, kept her company. he was a rescue from 2002 when he was a tiny kitten with his siblings. they were headed to a kill shelter. he has been my species integrator and head of the social committee his entire life. great, great spirit. boebs was happy until her last breath. i miss my little peeps...

my little, tiny sweet snuggles... my vet comes to my house to treat my dogs (exams, blood work, rabies, etc.). during a visit in nov. 2013, the vet tech told me she had a little guinea pig, a few years old, that needed a home. she had outlived her children's interest and little snuggles was basically neglected. i immediately agreed to take her. it surprised me coming from a vet tech, that this little peep had an infection on her bottom and was rail thin. i only had her a month. her infection cleared up and she loved, loved, loved all her food, esp. the fresh greens, and the love and companionship from betty, boebs, and sabine. her years of neglect were too much for her to overcome. she had one month of pure heaven on earth and then God took over. this still breaks my heart.

snuggles is the tiny little white peep. her fur hides how very thin she was. she did gain a little pooch from all the munching. there is a pic of her and boebs, and one snuggled with sabine while munching away.

this pic shows heath visiting with his friends sabine, betty and boebs. snuggles had not yet joined the family. fern is in the habitat right next door- you can see her little head checking out the action next door. where heath is, is where jamy and sebastian eventually lived for a time when betty, boebs, sabine, and snuggles went to heaven. when jamy went to heaven, this area was opened up for fern and sebastian. dizzying, all the shifts in habitat inhabitants.

awwww, my sweet little bubbles! she hailed from a local kill shelter with her brother and sister. boebs and betty were nearing the end of their lives in as much i didn't want to believe it, and i happened across this little family needing a home. i decided it was time to upgrade betty and boebs to a much bigger habitat. i found a twin bunk bed at a local thrift store and converted this to habitats for piggies and bunnies. previous pics show some of this habitat complex. the three siblings lived on the top bunk area. happy and thriving. then bubbles suddenly fell ill and died. just like that. i searched for answers. all i ever found was, Well, they sometimes just die like that. horrible heart break. i still have blossom and barley, who now have petunia and daisy to round out the floor, who hailed for petco where their previous owners "just didn't want them anymore."

the first pic is bubbles right before she died. no indication whatsoever she was ill. just a happy, snoozing peep after her morning salad. the second pic shows her with blossom at the shelter during a photo shoot to try and find them homes. the third pic from the same photo shoot is barley. they were babies then! i had barley neutered so he could live with his sisters. i don't spay females as it is literally life threatening and they mostly pass from other ailments than reproductive cancers. the last pic shows blossom and barley with petunia and daisy (long-haired black and white). a happy, happy little group.

and then my molly... what a trip down memory lane. molly was one of the most difficult losses ever. last year, in jan., i lost 4 within 10 days, the first three within 4 days of each other: nicholas, sabine, snuggles, and molly. molly hit me the hardest, harder than any loss to that date. she was not only my constant companion for the previous 4 1/2 years, but she was a rescue with her pal, max, sitting on death row riddled with health issues and no place to go. angels were on the job to spare their lives and intersect with mine. my million dollar babies, who gave me their love in 50 million ways. i lost max in january 2013 to mouth cancer. i had to make the very difficult decision to hand his care over to God and end the suffering that i could no longer ease for him. i still had molly then… during periods of loss i always still had molly, my sidekick, my love. and then she was gone… just like that. i was in fierce denial and questioning my very reason for being on this earth. how could this happen? i struggled to go on living… one step at a time and some days, backsliding. so many more needed me at home, i kept telling myself… to this day, losing molly is still painful...

the first two are molly; max the second.

posting these pictures and stories about other peeps who have gone to heaven has been quite a catharsis and took my mind off the pain of losing madelynne. each loss is different. going down memory lane, i felt a lot of love for all my departed,... and pain, and then a kind of awe of the number of animals i have rescued and rehabilitated. there are so many more, those who graced my world before mackenzie. for another day...

Hi, Monique, thank you so very, very much for honoring us in sharing the blessing of your beloved, precious companions with us. How so very blessed they are to have you for their Forever Mom, and you are equally blessed to have their eternal love. People come and go in our lives like a revolving door - - our precious, beloved companions are with us until they take their last breath - - at which time they continue to share our earthly journey through their sweet Living Spirits.

I am so glad to share your news "severing contact with my daughter after this brief reconnect, as much as this is against all natural order... i feel relief. my anger is gone. she took the anger phase with her. i can now heal in my own way without toxic intrusion and start to rebuild. i don't want madelynne's death to be in vain. i want positive things associated with her passing. my dog family is already much calmer. i am able to crate less. they are rearranging where they sleep. i'm working several issues with my small dogs that have needed attention for some time, and am seeing positive results." I know so well from first hand experience how difficult family dymanics can be. Your daughter needs to take responsibility for herself - - she is an adult and needs to assume that role. Likewise, you, Monique, are entitled to a peaceful lifestyle and focusing on what brings YOU joy.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Monique and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and all your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

thank you, moon_beam, for you faithful and comforting support. i am so grateful for this forum.

i found this article on huffington post today:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/steffen-bald..._b_8032366.html

this is what championing for the pitbull breed is all about.

Hi Monique.

Love the pictures of your family. Beautiful little angels.

Lynette.

thanks, lynette.

my mind, heart, body and soul are weary today. just plainly worn out. this has been a very emotional week. much has happened.

i found myself breathing a deep sigh of relief when i finally finished my morning animal care routine. i could have literally sat down on the spot and fallen asleep. keep moving, don't give up...

i'm going to stop reading articles about pitties and clean up my computer caches. i know that the internet is very adept at tracking everything we do. banners, ads, articles, and a host of information streams we are not even aware of at a conscious level, all are in response to one's browsing history. every click is a mini record. the more articles and info links i click on regarding pitties, the more the web pages i visit stream this info! i have done something as mundane as look up a type of pet food on the petco website at work, and when i got home that evening, ads for this food from petco came streaming across my screen. the computer at work is not related to the one at home. i don't need or want to know any more about this breed. i have a vast stash of knowledge and firsthand experience, and there is nothing new "out there." and nothing will fix what happened to madelynne or bring her back.

i caught the tail end of a newscast of an interview of a katrina survivor. he lived only about a mile from the mississippi river. he lost everything. he said that the blessing from this disaster was that his insurance company paid a settlement that essentially paid off his house and allowed him to rebuild his life. he said that all the trials he had endured were intended to offer him moments of grace. how very fitting to my life, and most recently, to losing madelynne...

Good morning Monique.

I can understand how you feel - totally worn out and just spent. Been there, done that as they say. Such an empty feeling sometimes though isn't it?

Well, just thought I'd drop in and say hello. Not much to write about this morning. Smokie still hasn't come home. He doesn't usually disappear for this long. My husband thinks the other two males we have have chased him off. He's getting older now and they were trying to take over I guess. That's too bad. We had Smokie when Lily and Hunny were still with us. So, he's a part of them sort of. We had Lily, Hunny, the two mamas and him. He was the only one left from that era. Not sure how old he is, but he's gotta be eight at least. Lily's been gone seven years now. God, I still miss her like it was yesterday. Mitzy was my first loss, and that one was extremely hard (I was only 13), but Lily's death was probably the hardest of all of them. I can't get into that now.

Anyway, I hope the rest of the day goes well for you. The weekend too.

Take care.

Lynette.

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. It is good that you are "turning the page" in respect to deciding not to continue researching information on Pit Bulls. This is another positive step forward in the grief adjustment journey, as you share with us " i have a vast stash of knowledge and firsthand experience, and there is nothing new "out there." and nothing will fix what happened to madelynne. . . " Your beloved Madelynne does not want you immersed in trying to "figure out" what more you could have done for her - - for it is perfectly clear that you did EVERYTHING in your power to give her a happy, safe, and healthy environment. Indeed, when all is said and done - - when we have done everything we can do, hopefully we will know the comfort of grace to soothe our hearts and bring us encouragement to continue in our endeavors.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

thank you, lynette and moon_beam, for your tried and true dedication, love, comfort... it means the world to me. i reread your words often. lynette, i'm sorry for all of your losses and that smokie has still not come home. i know you are still struggling. trust that their spirits are with you, as i read moon_beam telling so many, inc. me. very hard when what you really want is to feel and smell their fur, and revel in their kisses.

i'm very out of sorts this evening. at my job, friday evenings means i'm one of the few still there towards the end of the day. everyone else apparently has gotten their required time in. i don't have the luxury of working extra hours earlier in the week and then cut out early on fridays. same goes before and after holidays.

i was met with a mostly empty parking lot leaving work and felt depression flood over me. driving home, i thought of a million and one things i could go do. all were excuses for not wanting to go home. i landed at home via some sort of auto pilot. no talk show or music to keep me company. i don't remember most of the drive. once home, the usual flurry of activity, meet n greets, helping fallon and andy use the bathroom and their diaper changes (extreme manx cats who can't relieve themselves on their own), litter box care, give guinea pigs more water, etc., etc.,and feed the dogs their evening meal. cale was not interested at all. i tried everything. nothing. she then became restless where she was resting and kept sitting up, stretching her neck towards the ceiling, and panting, only to resume laying back down. gave her pain meds and part of my sandwich, which she ate eagerly, and then turned her nose up at more. hypersensitivity due to all i went through with her recently and of course, my ill at ease regarding losing madelynne.

*sigh* always something.

i had an extremely fitful night w/ nightmares. woke up in a fit of anxiety. i'm exhausted and the day has barely started. cale was a large part of that. when she stopped eating last time, we were in an emergency state with syringe feeding and pitting edema. recall what all my vet found when i took her in for diagnostics to try and determine why she was having difficulty urinating. she did eat a little bit this morning and is no longer open mouth panting. always something. and another weekend of heavy work while trying to process madelynne not being here.

i find it beyond exasperating that so many negative emotions are attached to loss. why can't we just feel a sense of loss from missing them? the negative emotions are so debilitating and what function do they have other than to make the loss even more miserable?

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious companions are doing. I am so sorry you had bad dreams last night. Cetainly having bad dreams does not help one feel refreshed to begin another day. I can soooo relate to your lament when you share with us: "i find it beyond exasperating that so many negative emotions are attached to loss. the negative emotions are so debilitating and what function do they have other than to make the loss even more miserable?"

Some clinical studies indicate that the dreams we have - - both good and bad - - are our minds' way of trying to reconcile events that have happened. When we are grieving we are extremely emotionally vulnerable, and I believe from first hand experience that the bad dreams we have - - particularly when we are grieving - - are our minds trying to reconcile the whys, what ifs, and if onlys that haunt our heart and mind which are tormented with deep grief. The good news is that eventually, hopefully, as we become emotionally stronger as the deep grief eases, the bad dreams will also eventually disappear. It's the grief process, Monique - - which is one of the many reasons why it is important for you to know you are not alone in your journey.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Good morning Monique.

Sorry you had such a restless sleep the other night. That sure makes for a stressful day.

We all have days - and nights like that - unfortunately. Hope you feel better today.

Smokie still hasn't shown up. It's not like him to be gone for so long. I hope he comes home. He maybe just hiding in the busy, but I miss him and would like him to come home.

Today is kind of a sad day. The anniversary of the death of Princess Diana. I remember vividly where I was when I found out of her death and what a shock it was. I know she was very popular worldwide, but I'm originally from England so I like to think that I have a bit of an attachment to her. She was such a lovely person. And I love her sons and their families. I don't know what it is, but ever since we lost Lily I find myself getting very emotional over everything, especially stuff like this. I remember watching PS, I love you just months after losing Hunny and bawling my eyes out the entire movie.

I wish all my pets could come back so that I could just hold and kiss them. I would be so happy and life would be so great. But I guess there will always be a piece of my heart missing.

Anyway, better get back to work.

I hope you have a better day today Monique.

Take care.

Lynette.

hi lynette,

thank you for stopping in.

i, too, remember exactly where i was when princess diana died. i couldn't believe it for the longest time. it was the most unnatural possible order, for her two sons to lose their loving and doting mom. from what i gather from her personal life, her death was the outcome of a disastrous perfect storm. she will always be the people's princess.

i'm also so very sad that smokie has still not come home... :'(

i'm continuing to struggle mightily, as losing madelynne was also the result of a disastrous perfect storm. i'm having to process many things that tanked at around the same time. weekends are the worst, as that is when we spent so much time together. madelynne was my shadow in the house while i cleaned habitats. i cannot find a way to reconcile the extremes, all that was so very beautiful about her, and then the part of her that snapped and was driven to kill. how can these two extremes co-exist?

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. You ask a very poignant question when you share with us " i cannot find a way to reconcile the extremes, all that was so very beautiful about her, and then the part of her that snapped and was driven to kill. how can these two extremes co-exist?" Sadly, they can't which is why severe behaviorial problems are one of the top five reasons why animals are euthanzied. Clinical studies are just barely beginning to research the behaviorial patterns of humans who are challenged with schizophrenia, ADHD, etc.. I don't know if there are any veterinary studies being done on similar problems our companions suffer with, but - - at some point in time you may want to do research on this to see if there are, and if so, you may want to make a donation toward this study in loving honor of your beloved Madelynne. This is just a thought - - for whatever it might be worth.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

coincidentally, i started reading a bit yesterday as to the causes of dog aggression, thinking what could be out there that i had not read before. i would have had to spend a great deal of time digging and at this point in my grief process, it is more than i can bear in the aftermath. regardless of what i read now or later, madelynne is gone. i feel deep pangs of regret and betrayal at times. she was so well behaved in the day to day rhythms of things. i was never able to channel this good behavior into that area of her brain that was driven to maim and kill. on a few occasions, i was able to call her away from a confrontation, or was easily able to separate her. she willingly went with me to the vet that fateful day. i cannot linger on these thoughts for very long. they are so very damning. if i could have done something else, i would have. for the 8 1/2 years i had her, every single day was a challenge on so many levels. i really lived in a kind of super human state. it was not natural on any count, not for her, not for everyone else, and not for me.

i feel as though i have exchanged one form of *** for another. i had always hoped madelynne would ease out of this world. her muzzle was almost completely gray; she was a senior dog. and, yet, in the twilight of her life, i forced an unnatural end. it is a haunting, to be sure.

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can understand how you feel about your beloved Madelynne's transition from this earthly realm as you share with us "i had always hoped madelynne would ease out of this world. her muzzle was almost completely gray; she was a senior dog. and, yet, in the twilight of her life, i forced an unnatural end. it is a haunting, to be sure."

When I was younger - - much much much much younger - - I thought euthanasia under any circumstances was "wrong" / "unnatural" / "playing God." Now in my senior years I have come to think of euthanasia as a blessing - - it is a way of releasing our companions from the effects of serious / terminal illness / injury enabling them to regain their former youthfulness in the company of the angels - - and for some being the first time ever that they know freedom from pain and suffering. This is truly more merciful than forcing them to linger in agonizing pain and suffering - - which is what the judicial and medical system inflicts on humans. Although Madelynne's physical body was still relatively healthy and she enjoyed moments of freedom from the "killer" aggression that tormented her brain and personality, she had NO CONTROL over the horrific aggression behaviors that emerged without warning. You would not allow a human person to threaten your or your companions' life - - and the same applies for another animal whose behavior is uncontrollably aggressive. I know your heart will always carry a sadness about the circumstances that evolved leading to the need to release Madelynne from the torment of a very sick and tormented brain, but I do hope and pray that eventually you will be able to find a peace in your heart that Madelynne's transition was merciful - - for her, for her housemates, for visitors to your property, for you.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

thank you for your words of kindness and insight.

i feel a sense of urgency this morning to let all this go. had madelynne killed one of my dogs, i suspect i would not feel the levels of guilt and regret i do now. things have eased tremendously among the dogs and tess has healed beautifully. my panic moments of where madelynne is are getting less. she knew what i wanted her to do without my even saying anything. still, i always double checked. is she with me, is she in her crate while i'm doing this or that, is the crate latched properly, are the security clips in place... i have turned around halfway to work more times than i can count, fearing i had not secured her crate properly, esp. the last year or so that i have started leaving my very senior dogs out to be able to drink and relieve themselves as needed, and find the most comfortable spots to sleep. we have all been very fortunate at my house over the years, except for baby love. at least now, after working this aggression issue from every possible angle and getting well versed on it, i can hopefully find a way to forgive myself, and soon.

that then begs the question as to why i did not put her down after killing my ex's dog, baby love. after all, that was a death. i loved this dog, she was such a beautiful spirit. and i really don't have a truly valid reason, only an endless string of justifications, and all of them sound weak to me now. i was not home a the time. madelynne actually broke out of her crate. some of the other dogs who were out had superficial wounds, nothing serious. had i not been home for the attacks in the years that followed, there would have been more "baby love" deaths. extremely sobering.

looking back, i do know that had i put her down after baby love, my grief and hauntings would have been even more severe. i have guilt and regret about so many animal situations, none of which were even close to the madelynne chapter. hindsight always offers a better way.

as christine kane so beautifully stated about guilt, "In the highly charged situation of a sick pet who doesn’t have a voice, guilt is always available to fill the silent spaces. And it serves no purpose. You find your pet, you love your pet, and you do the best you can. That’s all you can do," and about second guessing, "I was able to catch myself and remind myself that all I needed to do was be fully present to this moment, and we would both get through it. That’s all you need to do, too. Your presence is more powerful and more healing than your untrue thoughts."

that is one of the hardest things for me to reconcile, the fact that madelynne did not have a voice, esp. in that last moment of her life.

i believe i will always feel pain over losing madelynne. in fact, over the whole madelynne chapter. all the hurt inflicted on others. i just wonder what all the life lessons are here and why this path crossed mine as it did...

the endless point, counter point.

exhausting.

Good morning Monique.

Hope today is a good one.

I have to admit I cry when I read your posts. I can totally feel your pain, plus I think it brings up some very painful "guilt" from when we said so long to Hunny. She was sick, but she still had all her senses about her and she was still getting around and doing every thing just fine. I always wonder if we could've/should've waited longer. I knew she was in some pain, because she was constantly licking her foot and without her pain killers she would cough. But still, did we send her to be with Lily too soon? That decision will haunt me for the rest of my life. The only thing that gave me some peace was knowing that she was going to be with her sister again. God, I miss those two.

You gave Madelynne many years of love and I know she'll love you for all eternity for what you did for her. I'm sure without you she would have died many, many years ago. And that would be even sadder. Sad that no one loved her enough to give her a chance at love and happiness.

This guilt is just horrible. I think it's because we really don't know what happens when they leave. Is there another life after this one? Or are they just gone? I hope there is another life, cos I so desperately want to see them all again. But the doubt nags at me. If there is nothing after this life, how will they ever forgive me? They will have died angry at me. Sounds terrible, but maybe I just need their forgiveness. I don't know. All I know is how much I miss them every single day.

Anyway, I hope you have a good day today.

Take care.

Lynette.

hi lynette,

i'm sorry you continue to cycle through your struggles and that smokie still has not come home. :'( i understand this very well. the only passing i have completely reconciled and did, in fact, have no trauma associated with it whatsoever, was when my sweet jasper traveled with his angels to be with God. i have and continue to have issues with all the others. the only thing that silences and numbs in most of these is time in that i think and feel the pain less for those long since departed. outside of jasper, i have never been able to enjoy just fond memories. there is always that looming last moment of their lives that continues to haunt. and i think, as you mention, it is the unknown that is bothersome. i have always resented the limitations of my "human-ness." for ex., madelynne's last day, the drive to the vet, that last moment. i so wanted to have a one on one conversation with her, where we both clearly understood what had to be done, or to be able to reason with her and agree, Madelynne, never again, OK, so let's go home... in this, i am convinced madelynne was far more advanced in knowing what was going on and had been communicating, and i, the human, was the one who fell short. how many times has it not happened that my gut told me something, and then i could not figure out what my gut was telling me for all the stuff my mind threw on top of it to muddy the entire picture?

i hang on moon-beam's words of the everlasting, that the spirit world rewards us whether we realize it or not, that the physical form ceases to exist and leaves the purest form of the spirit, devoid of all that ailed him/her while in the earthly realm of existence. i just want to understand and respond better during the earthly phase.

i had to help my max to heaven. he developed mouth cancer. this is an extremely aggressive and fast growing cancer. treatment is so horribly medieval. cut off the jaw. that will only buy a little more time. the cancer is already very busy infecting the entire body regardless of a clear margin biopsy result. the night before, max and i still walked down the path in the backyard. the difference was that he was having difficulty eating that night and barely managed a few bites. the tumor had so far advanced as to force his tongue out one side of his mouth. he was uncomforable and restless. the next morning, he went outside to do his business as usual, sweet boy. he could not eat breakfast at all. i tried syringe feeding him. not only did he resist this but he nearly choked. i decided it was time. i helped him eat his beloved treats and we went to the vet. i took molly, his side kick. he walked into the vet's office as if just going for a walk. i was so, so tormented by this. still am. dr. jolley emphatically told me it was time, in fact, it was past time. she said, do not wait. he may appear to be managing ok right now, but the cancer will now quickly start to cause extreme pain, and you do not want max to go through this. these words cycle through my head every time i think about max and his sweet and can-do attitude. he left this earthly realm so peacefully, snoozing in my lap. i hope this helps you regarding hunny. you helped her before it became an emergency. i hope you can realize this one day soon.

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious companions are doing. I can soo relate to your insightful question about life's lessons as you share with us "i just wonder what all the life lessons are here and why this path crossed mine as it did... " There are many "lessons" I have experienced along the way that I still ponder "what was the point in that?" I have come to realize in my senior years that there are some experiences we have that we may never know the "point". Yet - - even though the "point" to a specific experience may remain questionable to us, each experience, good and bad, leads us on a path that may be of help to someone else along the journey. No, it doesn't stop the sadness in our hearts for our individual experiences, - - but at least some of them can eventually have a purpose of bringing hope, comfort, encouragement to someone else. I promise you this very sad experience with Madelynne has not been in vain. You have been blessed with the opportunity to know her, to love her, to grieve what happened to her - - and you will - - at some point in time very likely when you least expect it - - be able to offer the benefit of your experience to someone else who is going through a similar sorrow.

As always, I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks Monique for your words regarding Hunny. I doubt that I will ever be okay with the choice we had to make for Hunny. But we weren't going to let her die without her dignity. Hunny was such a proud dog. She would've hated us for letting her suffer to the point of not being able to go to the bathroom by herself for example. I think she was happy to go be with her sister again at the same time she didn't want to leave us. Lily was all she knew except for the last nine months when Izzy came to live with us. And Barney - she knew him for a few months, but as much I as think she did love him, I think he was just too young at the time for her to tolerate with her being sick and all. And she only knew Casey for a couple of weeks. If there is another life after this one, I know (I hope) that Hunny and Lily are together with all of my other pets. And I hope my nan and the two babies I lost are with them also.

You will never forget Madelynne. She will be with you forever and hopefully, one day we'll all be reunited. And live happily ever after with no pain, illnesses, stress, etc.

Thanks again.

Lynette.

on a whole different topic, i wanted to share some of the habitats i told moon_beam about. after losing madelynne, my mind has traveled many years back and over so, so many animal experiences i have had. this is adding to the trauma of my grief, and then there is a cleansing in the diversion, as it also brings with it much that has happened that is truly good, remarkable, and worth celebrating. it does help to write about the good things.

i designed and built the condos using a double bunk bed i found at a local thrift store. the bottom floor shows betty and boebs right after i built it. it is now home to sebastian and fern (explained in a previous post). the bird aviaries became a necessity when 4 kittens joined my household in 2013. the intent was to give a home to only miranda, who has cerebellar hypoplasia. she was born to a mom living outside. an elderly couple was trying their best to care for this mom and her babies, as well as another mom, who had had babies about the same time. they lived along a busy street. it was crucial to get miranda to safety, as with her disability, she would not survive long outside. i initially adopted marloes from the second mom to keep little miranda company. i then found out that her brother, neelix, and sister, natalie, were living in a crate in the basement of the home of the woman who had rescued both families,... and nowhere for them to go. last i was in contact with her, over a year ago, she still had some of the kittens (now adults) and they were living outside in cat condos her husband had built. i saw pictures of how they lived,... and let me just say, i was not ok with it. grateful i had taken in the ones i could. these 4, even miranda with her disability, were climbing the bird cages and of course terrifying the birds. the habitats in the pics were designed for optimum quality of life for the birds, full protection from cats, and easy cleaning. none of my birds have ever flown into the lexan (high quality plexiglass), and are mostly not bothered if a cat pounces. any fluttering from being startled is shortlived, thank goodness. my extreme manx, fallon, and natalie have found ways to get on top of the aviaries, which have flat tops that fit snugly into the frames. they will peer over and extend a paw, but cannot get to any of the birds. so the aviaries have become cat tvs. and my heart no longer skips a beat when the cats get near the birds.

here is fallon, one of my extreme manx cats on top of pip and nadia's home (ringneck and mourning doves), and then hanging off the top of the love bird aviary, which is right next door. you can actually see my other extreme manx, andy, in the one picture with the two lexan aviaries. both wear newborn diapers. fallon has the added accessory of a small dog collar that she wears as a belt around the waist of the diaper to keep it on.

Hi, Monique, thank you so very much for sharing these wonderful pictures of your precious companions with us. I am always awed and inspired by the wonderful stories you share with us about the precious souls under your care.

As always, I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Monique,

Thank you again for replying to my thread about my silver persian, Murfy last year. I only saw it recently as I have just passed the 3rd year anniversary of losing Murf, and and although I haven't written about it here yet, am also close to losing another. My 17-year old "Sassy".

I'm currently reading through your thread and already know that we are kindred spirits. Just the title heading alone nearly made me go to tears.

this just brought me to tears, for murf, sassy, the mention of kindred spirits... tears of pain, joy, relief,... oh my goodness, thank God people here understand the crushing pain of the loss of a furred or feathered loved one. i will keep sassy in my prayers.

From a link posted by Inessence, http://www.tickld.com/x/old-man-explains-d...eving-young-man. So very valid in the grief journey. It brings it to life and it brings hope.

He Was Grieving Over The Death Of His Best Friend, Until An Old Man Told Him THIS. Mind Blown.

Bobby Popovic
Content Writer

From the depths of old internet comments comes another incredible gem of a story. One user wrote the following heartfelt plea online:

"My friend just died. I don't know what to do."

The rest of the post has been deleted, only the title remains. However, the helpful responses live on, and one of them was absolutely incredible. The reply by this self-titled "old guy" might just change the way you approach life and death.

I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not.

I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents...

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. But I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it.

Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too.

If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing this wonderfully poignant obervation of life - - and sorrow - - and with us. I hope it is one of many ways that brings comfort and encouragement to you as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you and your precious fur family will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you and your precious fur family are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Monique.

I just read the story you posted. How touching and real. I certainly have a lot of scars. And I am proud to have them, even though it means that I've lost so many loved ones.

A young woman in a nearby town passed away suddenly on September 1st. I did not know her, I know her father a bit through work. But I did not know her at all and yet her death has been haunting me since I found out Thursday. My daughter knew her through her work. She was in her 20's, has a very young daughter and was to be married in 18 days. They said it was a blood clot. How devastating. I have lost many, but I cannot even fathom losing a child. Well, not one that I've met. I've lost two to ectopic pregnancies, but I never even knew them. Sure I grieved for them, but I never had the chance to know them at all.

Still no Smokie. I fear that he is gone forever. Another scar.

I hope today is a good one for you and your precious little babies. Sorry, about writing about this young woman. I just needed to "let it out". Her name was Elsa. Life (sigh)...............sometimes, I wonder how we go on at all.

Anyway take care.

Lynette.

i understand how a story like elsa's would grip you and the need to write about i understand as well. you need to reach out and share. it is a way of celebrating the life that was lost. i think in grief we do that, in part. it made me think of a story in national news. recently a murderer was executed in missouri. his partner in crime had gone the year before. their act was beyond reprehensible. a 15 yr old girl, waiting at the end of her driveway for the school bus, waiting patiently next to her books and flute. these drug crazed men in a stolen car, decided at random to kidnap her. the crimes against her were reprehensible beyond words. her mom was inside helping the younger sister get ready. she looked up when she heard the bus and all she saw were her daughter's school books and flute. they found her body 3 days later in the trunk of a car. her name was ann. it happened in 1989. she would be 41 now... it took all this time to put these monsters to death. there is no fair justice for the crimes they committed against this innocent life. and keeping them on death row for 25-26 years was an added insult. i will carry ann with me for all time. the crimes against the innocents resonate particularly deeply to me and i believe that's because i have championed for the plight of innocents for as long as i can remember.

i'm so sorry smokie still has not come home. it would help if you knew something, so you can work on closure and rest your heart, mind and soul. i had a similar experience many years ago. when i see a picture of a pet on the neighborhood stop sign, i always think of my toby. i saw remains of the tape i used for years. i have an idea of what happened to him, but no proof. and for all the flyers i put out and people i spoke to, ... one neighbor (whoever he was) knew, and said nothing, and it was his dog... you have to know he saw the flyers for months on end and i probably talked to him as well!

i have been in a foxhole of sorts this weekend. it's a federal holiday today so i'm home and will have to finish up a slew of things i did not get to this past weekend. i tried to rest and feel even more exhausted. much churning through my head and i wake up in some sort of panic after every nap or night's sleep.

more silent screams... how incredibly tragic. these magnificent animals starving to death. hungry and desperate 24 hours a day...

https://www.thedodo.com/emaciated-polar-bear-1330557679.html

i feel completely helpless and hopeless...

Dear Monique.

How horrible that these polar bears are starving. I feel your pain too. I live in Manitoba where there are many polar bears wondering around the north. They are magnificent creatures. Very disturbing indeed.

Life sure can be cruel - can't it?

Lynette.

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Humanity - - each individual human being - - has been given the privilege of being stewards of this living planet and all creatures inhaibitating the earth. Sadly, humanity in general has been brainwashed to believe that it is the "be all and end all" of creation. Thankfully, there are individual human beings who do not subscribe to this philosophy and dedicate their energies and lives to not only preserving the survivors of humanity's plundering but try to improve the surviving inhabitants' quality of life. Some do this on a global level, some do this on a national level, some do this on a local level, some focus on a particular species / breed - - and some do this on a very personal level each and every day tending to the physical and emotional needs of their precious companions - - and /or community waifs. To have a heart that still has room to grieve for the abuse of those we cannot personally take care of is a heart that has a huge capacity to feel compassion - - even though it grieves us that we cannot stop the plundering of humanity in general.

There are several reliable organizations that dedicate their time, energy, and financial resources toward the survival of our co-inhabitants of this living planet. Most of them participate with online petitions where people can add their voices to those who care about what happens locally, nationally, and globally. Financial donations, although solicited, are NOT required to participate in these online petitions, and you do not have to participate in social media either. You can also request updates on the status of the petitions which are provided via e-mail. For some, like me, this is all I can do - - but it is gratifying to be able to add my voice to others who share a genuine concern about all inhabitants of this living planet. I do not share this to boast about what I do - - but solely to offer information as to what is available.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you and your precious fur family will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you and your precious fur family are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

thank you for checking in, lynette. you have been a beacon for me for quite some time. your presence gives me comfort.

thank you so much for writing, moon_beam. i am comforted by your letters, full of comfort, insight, and non-judgement and i see your loving presence all over the site. i particularly appreciate your mention of how humans help animals, from the grand scale, to the microcosm. that is my sanctuary, a mere blip on the radar, a tiny microcosm in the grand scheme of the plight of animals. i was so overwhelmed at times trying to field 500 - 1000 emails per day from across the u.s., canada, and some overseas, while tending to my large and complicated household of rescues. i was extremely well connected. i worked to pull 1000s upon 1000s of animals to homes and safety over the years from 2002 - 2009. i had several periods where i lost compassion for my fellow man. i would see a school bus pass and think, There goes the next generation of abusers. in 2009, i left active rescue to focus on those still at home. i could not give them the love and comfort they needed while part of me was rotting from the infection that was (and is) man's inhumanity towards his own kind, all species, and the planet that provides so beautifully for him. being away from the active rescue scene now for 6 years had dulled this global kind of pain. it's still there, though. when i saw the picture of the starving polar bear, it all came barreling back to me. putting my head in the sand does not resolve any of the global issues.

i remind myself of the starfish saver. there are many versions of this story. a young boy was walking the seashore after the tide had receded, picking up one stranded starfish after another, and tossing them back into the ocean. an elderly man happened along and watched. he asked the young lad why he bothered. there were thousands more, as far as the eye could see. he could not possibly save them all. as the young lad picked up the next starfish and tossed him back to safety and life, he said, To this one, i have made all the difference. and that is how i had to realign my involvement. to focus on the one, rather than the masses, as to that one, i made all the difference. my capacity to help is finite.

if i could take in all of the orphaned children in the world, i would. there are orphanages in russia, for ex., where children languish in cribs, devoid of human contact and love. my heart just breaks. another... there was an email going around a while ago, about an elderly parent who had to sit at a little table by himself with a wooden bowl and spoon, as he was clumsy and messy and his caregivers were impatient and cruel. i want to help all of those people, stripped of their dignity, their bodies no longer functioning fully. i know my limitations. i long ago maxed out what i could physically do for animals and will maintain my commitment to ensure love and quality of life for those still with me. i used to sign my name w/ comments to petitions. that, too, had to stop. i lived all the pain. the hauntings became too much to bear. i found i could manage my household, and little beyond that without great sacrifice to my mental well being. i had to set boundaries. someone else had to pick up the plight of animals and our planet while i stepped down to care for those still with me.

this time, with madelynne, i have read extensively on this site. i'm on it several times a day. i need help and find comfort in reading here. the kinship is unbreakable. people here know what if feels like to lose a furred or feathered child. i leave comments here and there. i am in such a strange place. i need, i need, i need, and then i don't know what it is exactly and what i'm feeling. a general ill at ease, fatigue. i feel and look faded and as if i've aged 50 years the last few weeks, drawn and just.plainly.sad.

i don't know where i am and just kind of mindlessly going through the motions. i do not trust anything anymore. future losses. when is it going to ease? i really had no idea it could get any worse,... and then madelynne. just horrific. i am speechless when i think back on that last drive, on her heart stopping. it's all just too much. i believe i released her and my animals and me. the part i cannot reconcile as of yet, is giving permission, the playing God, the determining life or death. i don't want this on my docket, and now i own it!

interestingly, i don't think so much about madelynne specifically, but rather the sheer magnitude of this loss and all the components of the perfect storm. the totality of it all that has left me feeling so completely spent and devastated.

it rained heavily here today. i became more and more unsettled and disturbed as i was driving home from work, first in driving rain, then met with huge, blinding splashes as opposing traffic raced through puddles that were way too deep to drive through safely. when i got home, i didn't want to go inside. the backyard, as usual, was flooded. mud had collected from the neighbors. several of the little dogs had messes in their crates. three baths and many cleanings later, i finally was able to sit down.

another day has passed and i somehow survived. the shipwreck in the harbor. i'm hanging on to pieces of the ship, and then i have a moment here and there when i'm on a raft drifting into the sunset.

and i'm crying.

Hi Monique.

So sorry you were feeling out of sorts yesterday. I hope you feel better today. We all have tough days and somehow we manage to get through them. It will get easier as time passes. We just learn to live with it.

Your comment about playing God - I get that. I've done that and yes it's something that we have to live with that haunts us forever. But then look at these old people who are slowing dying without dignity. How many of them would love for someone to make that decision for them? I don't think I'd want to live that way. Life is just so tough some days. I know I can be having a good day and then all of a sudden out of the blue I'm hurting and longing for my little angels.

I'm like you I think when it comes to animals. It breaks my heart to see animals being abused or neglected. I know there is nothing I can do for them. Sure I donate to local animal rescues, but it doesn't seem enough sometimes. But that's all I can afford. I've liked and joined all of kinds of animal rescue shelters but I've hidden their feeds because I just cannot bear to see the disgusting things that humans do to these poor innocent animals. It stays with me for days and just makes me so mad and upset. I can fully understand why you retired from this. I salute anyone and everyone who does this, but it must weigh pretty heavy on them. They must be terribly strong people. As you are.

Life will settle down and things will get easier. I'm sure your animals are feeling the same too. They were scared of Madelynne but I'm certain that they loved her and are missing her.

Anyway, I have to get back to work.

Take care and don't be so hard on yourself. You are an amazing person. What you've done and what you continue to do makes you an Angel on this cruel planet.

Lynette.

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious companions are doing. I TOTALLY understand how you feel as you so eloquently share with us "i know my limitations. i long ago maxed out what i could physically do for animals and will maintain my commitment to ensure love and quality of life for those still with me. i used to sign my name w/ comments to petitions. that, too, had to stop. i lived all the pain. the hauntings became too much to bear. i found i could manage my household, and little beyond that without great sacrifice to my mental well being. i had to set boundaries. someone else had to pick up the plight of animals and our planet while i stepped down to care for those still with me."

It is vitally imperative that each of us know our limitations and set boundaries so that we can care for those who are with us - - as well as ourselves. If we don't take care of ourselves then we are unable to care for those who are with us - - whoever the life form. We need to focus our time and energies on the example of the starfish saver "To this one, i have made all the difference. and that is how i had to realign my involvement. to focus on the one, rather than the masses, as to that one, i made all the difference. my capacity to help is finite."

Monique, it is clear as you write that you are physically and emotionally exhausted from everything you have been through - - to feel as though there is no end to the "rip tide" that continues to drag you under the swells and further out to deeper water without any rescue or refuge in sight. It is vitally important for you to take time - - if it's just a few minutes each day - - to focus on YOU. Back in the 1970's, 1980's there was a clinical awareness of how our lives are affected by our "biorhythms". The Native Americans rely heavily on music - - particularly the beat of the drum - - for the center of their life which becomes their "life beat." When the automobile collision happened my life was totally devastated - - I had lost my "life beat". Because of the extensive destruction my life experienced, it took several years for me to find a NEW center for my life - - a NEW "life beat" - - a restoration of a healthy "biorhythm". And this continues to be a daily journey.

Monique, grieving takes a HUGE amount of energy, and it literally affects every aspect of our physical and emotional stamina. Scientific studies prove that every living being has an "energy" - - and when that "energy" is no longer present the family unit - - of whoever life forms are involved - - experiences the void to varying degrees, and needs to "readjust" the dynamics of the family unit to compensate for the loss of the "energy" presence - - because the "energy presence" is now transformed to a different dimension - - is no longer part of the physical realm. This takes time, Monique - - one day at a time one moment at a time. It is vitally important that you try to find some time for YOU.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you and your precious fur family will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you and your precious fur family are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam