Click to view attachment

This is my sweet baby girl, Vienna. She was born on February 21, 2004 and I lost her on August 31, 2013. She was my best friend, constant companion and protector for 8 years and one week, since I got her from a Sheltie rescue organization. I got her the weekend before I started grad school and she got me through that as well as many other hard times. More importantly, she gave me joy every day of her too short time with me.

The people who had her originally didn't want her because she barked a lot and was high strung...as Shelties often are. I think she was mistreated. But we lived alone so I was able to minimize the things that caused her stress.

I loved her more than I could've imagined. I treated her very well and was conscious every day how lucky I was to have her. She was definitely queen of the house...and that was fine with me.

Here are the things I'll remember most about her:

• How she crossed her paws in front of her when she lay down
• How she loved to play on the bed
• How she'd put a paw on my leg when I wasn't paying enough attention to her
• How her head would pop up above the edge of my bed...or above my iPad when I was reading...when she wanted attention
• How her rear end swayed when she trotted to my back door to go out
• How much she loved chasing squirrels...but never caught one
• How she'd stare intently at me while I was trying to watch TV or read
• How she was always here to be hugged when I had a bad day or bad things happened
• How she'd lay down in any soft grass if I stood in one place for more than a few seconds when we went for a walk
• How she loved to go to my neighbor’s house to get treats
• How excited she got when I got the leash out
• How she used to put her paws on my shoulders or swat me in the nose with her paw to show me who was the boss (she obviously was)
• How joyful she was when she got to roll in something nasty
• How much she loved walking in water...particularly in Oak Park (I wish there would've been water in the creek when I took her there a few weeks ago)
• How she'd sleep under my legs when it was cold
• How she’d lay in the back yard, looking beautiful and perfectly content

Vienna got really sick with pancreatitis on Wednesday, August 28. She started throwing up every 30 minutes or so during the night. Even though she'd had this before, I had no idea how sick she was until the morning. I laid on the floor with her, waiting for the vet to open, and thought she was going to die right there. I wish I had thought to take her to the emergency vet...but she'd had this before and came through it very well. When I took her to the vet, I thought I'd get her back after a couple of days...so did he. But every day, he called with worse news. She just wasn't responding to treatments. On Friday, August 30, when I thought I'd be bringing her home, he called to tell me she needed to be taken to the emergency vet for more intensive treatment. The emergency vet tried a number of things that should've turned things around, but she was so sick her organs had started shutting down. Every time I saw her, she was worse. I was hopeful the treatment would work. But after her first day at the emergency vet, I woke up early that morning with a clear sense that I'd have to let her go that day. I prayed that they'd give me good news and that my feeling was wrong, but it wasn't so. The vet told me that she was suffering and the inflammation had gotten so bad they couldn't turn it around.

When they brought Vienna in for the last time, it was clear beyond any doubt that I had to let her go. I can't even bring myself to call it anything else. All I wanted was for her to be well and come home with me. But I made the only decision I could and my mom was there with me as Vienna died in my arms. She was so sick I was begging her to let go. I kissed her head the way she liked as she lost consciousness.

I know her suffering is over and the pain will lessen for me at some point. But I feel so empty and lost. My house feels dark and lonely. I can't believe my baby girl is gone. One day she was happy and healthy...a few days later, she was gone. It's inconceivable. I loved her so much and will never forget her.

Hi, Tara, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Vienna. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Tara, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is filled with many different emotions that can literally overwhelm you all at one time - - it is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride - - or as one of our correspondents describes it as being in a dark tunnel. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in your own way and in your own time because you are now on a journey that is filled with all the "first withouts" and the memories right now that can be all too painful that include "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year, etc." to endure. But I assure you it is a journey that you are not traveling alone, Tara - - for each of us here know what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

The good news in the midst of your deep sorrow is that the love bond you and your beloved Vienna share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Vienna's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Tara - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief that there really are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still I hope and pray that the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so very much for honoring us by sharing your beloved Vienna with us. The picture of her is adorable and it is sooooo true that our companions are our "masters" - - and who would want it any other way? Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Tara, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks for the kind words moon_beam. I'm a psychologist and understand grief pretty well. But that doesn't help much when I'm the one going through it. I think I'm doing a little better day by day. But it still takes my breath away when I go in the bathroom (Vienna's favorite place because of the cool tile) to pet her and realize she's not there. I know what I'm going through is normal. It just sucks (the clinical term). Thankfully, I have a great family who've supported me through this. But they don't live with me. So it's lonely here without Vienna. She was a very good girl and I just wish she were here.

Thanks again.

Hi TaraG,

Your precious Vienna is just beautiful and I'm so sorry you are going through the pain of losing her. I lost my two kitties (Joe and Steve) exactly a month before Vienna. I have lost pets in the past and although I know what it's like to grieve, it didn't make this loss any easier. At the beginning, I told myself it wouldn't be as hard because they were old and because I had been through this before, but the hole in my heart and in my life was just overwhelming. I spent the first two weeks doing everything I could think of them to memorialize their lives... it gave me something productive to do, but I just wanted them back.

If I have any advice to offer at all, it's just to let yourself go through the grief. As a psychologist, you know this already, but there doesn't seem to be a lot of "reason" in this process. It's just plain hard and it does suck. You think you're doing fine and then the pain slams you. This forum has been so helpful to me. I feel validation that what I'm going through is normal and when others in our lives don't quite understand the depth of our relationship with a furry one and how sad we are to have lost one, the people here do. This has been a very healing place for me to hang out over the past several weeks, so I'm glad you're here.

I hope you'll have a peaceful evening.

CritzyJ

Thanks CritzyJ (hope I spelled that correctly) -
It's very helpful to talk to others who understand what it's like right now, in real life...not in theory or books. I lost a Sheltie, Keith, before Vienna but its been long enough ago that I guess I forgot the depth of the grief. He was also much older and had lived with cancer well beyond when the vet expected. As your experience proves, that doesn't necessarily make it any easier. It just didn't blindside me the way Vienna's death did.

Like you, I've been trying to do what I can to honor Vienna and document how much she meant to me. As you said, I'm glad I found this site where there's no judgment about the magnitude or quirks of each individual's grief. And it helps to hear from others to help relieve the guilt and the other feelings that impede healing.

I'm sorry about the loss of Joe and Steve. I read your post about them. I've always had dogs but I love cats as well. They sound like they had great personalities and were very much loved. Just like Vienna.

Thanks again for your kindness and support. I hope the path to healing brings good things for both of us.

Hi, Tara, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. Because you are a professional therapist some people may think that you already know everything and therefore are unaffected by whatever the circumstances may be in your personal life - - and therefore do not need comforting, encouragement, and support when you endure life's experiences. But you are a person with feelings, too, and therefore DO need support, encouragement, and comfort. Unfortunately our society in general, and sometimes the people who are the closest to us emotionally and geographically, do not understand or accept the reality that the physical loss of a beloved companion is as painful as the physical loss of a human family member or friend. And this is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum was created as a safe haven where people like you, CritzyJ, and each of us can come to share what is in our hearts and on our minds without fear of rejection, judgment, or recrimination.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Tara, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Vienna's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Tara, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Tara,

I am so sorry for your loss. Your memories of Vienna brought a smile and also tears to my eyes, our Scarlett did similar things. Sadly she passed suddenly in July - she was only 7. Scarlett had been given a misdiagnosis of Pancreatitis the day before she passed. We later found out the cause of her death after a lengthy talk with her ER Vet. My husband and I are devastated. My heart goes out to you... they are our precious babies, they fill our lives with so much joy, so much love, just so much more than words can express. When they are gone the emptiness that we are left with is overwhelming and unbearable.

I can understand when you say you "have a great family who've supported me through this. But they don't live with me. So it's lonely here without Vienna. She was a very good girl and I just wish she were here." I have wonderful friends. At home me and my husband cling to each other and this site has helped us both so much and more so in those times when I am home alone... I've come here and found comfort and support.

Keeping you in my thoughts and sending you healing energy.

Hi Scarlett's mom and dad -
Thank you so much. I read your story as well. At the time, I was still so devastated about Vienna I felt like I couldn't even post anything for the benefit of others. But my heart goes out to you as well. I'm sure you were like me and continued to harbor hope that something would fix your baby. At this point, it doesn't help me that much to know that there was nothing I could do but give her the final act of love of helping her pass. But it's so hard to not dwell on all of the things I wish I would've done differently before...and maybe one of those things would've changed the course of her life. It's such magical thinking but I guess it's just a stage of grief. I had the same kind of thoughts when my grandmother was killed when I was many, many years younger. As silly as it was, because my grandmother was murdered, I thought if I'd only eaten something different the day before, or worn something different, etc. in hinsight, thats so silly. But the strange thoughts and similar pain are as present with Vienna's death as much as with my grandmother's. Didnt mean to digress...but getting the wrong diagnosis must fuel similar thoughts of "if only." I know we both did the best we possibly could for our dogs, much better than many humans would do. but I'm definitely feeling how grief makes you think somehow you could've done better. And how much you wish you had another chance to do so.

It's getting better for me although I still have at least one meltdown a day. It helped a lot to get Vienna's ashes and footprint yesterday because I feel like she's home now. At least I don't feel like I've left her alone with people who may have cared about her but whom she wouldn't have preferred to be with. She was a one person dog and she spent her last 5 days with strangers. I know I have to let that go. But I know that made things even worse for her.

I definitely agree that this site, as well as the support I've received from friends and even acquaintances on Facebook, have been about the only thing to help me get through these long, lonely days. What I appreciate about the support here is that I know others feel exactly the same about their pets as I did. And you understand the depth of the pain and emptiness. I'm dreading Saturday morning because that's when she passed. I don't know how I'll fill my time that day because I don't want to be distracted by other tasks. I want to be able to cry and remember her. But I know it'll be tough regardless of who I'm with or what I do.

My heart and heartfelt thanks go out to you and everyone else on this site because you're experiencing the same pain but being so kind at the same time. I learn something valuable from every post and am comforted by the thoughtfulness of others who care so much for their own beloved pets.

Thanks again and I'll keep you in my thoughts for your continued healing.

Tara

Tara,

I remember taking home Scarlett's paw print... and I remember we took home her ashes the following day. At the time they were reminders of our harsh reality. Now, I find myself laying my hand on her paw print saying "I love You" and we are now happy to have her ashes - happy she is home with us - in any form.

Just like you we "continue to harbor hope that something would fix our baby" and continue to question our decisions and mini-decisions even though we know none of this will bring her back.

I, like you, had many losses in my life. Both my mom and dad died when they each were 28 years old. Each passed one year after the other, my dad was murdered and then a year later my mom died from Lung Cancer. My brother and I thought we each wouldn't live past 28... and when we both out lived our parents at 29 it was shocking but their deaths are a constant reminder to us to live life to the fullest.

I firmly believe that everything in life happens to teach us how to LIVE, I continue to try to understand Scarlett's death from this prospective. And I am trying to stay open for those answers to come... but then, just as I think I've moved from my deep grief emotions will come without warning and I am sobbing for our baby girl once again. This sorrow is a testament to their lives, a tribute to all they brought to our lives. And what an honor that is - right - they had and continue to have such a profound effect on our lives.

I just read the reply you wrote to me and wanted to thank you for taking the time to write back. While the images do continue to come they are coming less and less. Thankfully.
It makes sense that the images are a form of PTSD, never thought of that. I try to remain present and focus on my breath when they do come.

I hope today is treating you well and I continue to send you healing energy.

Hi Tara, I came across your story and just want to offer you my condolences and tell you I'm thinking of you as I know how overwhelmingly difficult this can be. I'd type more but I'm so wrapped up in my own grief right now, but I recognize a lot of the feelings you're experiencing so just wanted to let you know I feel for you.

What a beautiful dog! I love the way she has her paws crossed in the photo.

I add my condolences to those above and there isn't much I can add - except to assure you that you haven't really "lost" your beloved Vienna. She has just moved on to another dimension and you will be together in due course - only next time it will be forever. In the meantime, you have lots of happy memories and your undying mutual love to help you.

Warmest best wishes to you!

LPC - thank you so much for your comforting words. You said many things, in a few words, that are really, really helpful. It helps to think that Vienna and I, along with my previous dog Keith, will be together forever someday. Even though they never met, they'll make a good pair.

Thanks again and take care -
Tara

It's been exactly 2 weeks since I took Vienna to the vet after a horrible night of her vomiting every hour. Although I try not to feel guilty about it, I just keep wishing I'd have understood how serious it was and took her to the emergency vet much earlier. But I don't think my vet realized how serious it was either and, two days later, when I did take her to the emergency vet, her body had started shutting down. It's still hard to believe she's really gone. For some reason I have this sense that this is temporary...like she'll be back from the vet soon. Then the reality hits and I start crying again. . But it seems to be getting better day by day even though I think I have a long way to go before I'll feel ok.

I know I never took Vienna for granted. I knew how important she was to me and that it would be a huge loss if she weren't with me. But I'm constantly struck by what a big hole this has left...even in the smallest of things I do. She used to lay in the bathroom on the cool tile. I've found myself feeling this kind of excitement when I go into the bathroom because I'm anticipating seeing her. And then I realize she's not going to be there. Walking up to my back door, where she'd always jump on me from the top step, takes my breath away when I realize she's not on the other side. In general, I feel like I've lost the thing that gave me confidence and strength in this world. I'm a successful person who's physically strong...but I feel totally unsure of myself without her at home waiting for me. Like I've been unmoored from my dock and am just drifting.

Part of what's difficult is that I'm grieving for the life I had with her. I was really happy and she was my partner in this good life. I live in Kansas which tends to be incredibly hot in the summer. This past summer, we've had much cooler weather. So I took Vienna for a lot of walks. While we were walking, I'd just be struck by how good life is. Now I don't even want to walk the block to my friend's house because it was Vienna's favorite place to go (because they gave her a treat every time). And I used to come home from my kickboxing class in the evenings and sit with Vienna at my feet. That also made me think what a good life I had. Now I can't imagine feeling that way for a long time...and I'm dreading going back to kickboxing tonight because I won't have that same comforting experience with Vienna when I get home.

I'm just rambling because even if no one reads this, it helps me work through this. But another thing on my mind is how I feel myself moving toward getting another dog...probably too soon. I got Vienna almost exactly one month after my previous dog, Keith, died. He was 15 and had had cancer for about 6 months. So it may have been a little different in that I was somewhat prepared. But he was my partner as well. So even then I knew I may have been rushing things. But the outcome was so good. I couldn't have had a better new friend than Vienna. So I'm struggling with the desire to honor her and work through the grief fully...and this idea of how comforting another dog would be. I think I need to hold steady awhile longer. While I plan to get a rescued dog, I have to keep telling myself that I don't have to "save" one right now. I think I'd feel guilty if I move too quickly.

So that's where I am right now. Thankfully I have people who've been understanding and supportive through this. And this forum helps tremendously. I cry too hard when I have to speak to someone about Vienna. It's good to have this opportunity to give voice to my feelings in a way that allows me to say everything needed. Thanks to all.

Tara,

I can so relate to the feeling of a big hole in your life. That is how I've felt since my kitties left me six weeks ago today. Even though cats are so elusive compared to dogs, they were a presence in my life that was loving and consistent. Not seeing them in their favorite places feels like a kick in the gut. I read a quote recently that basically said we aren't just grieving the loss of our loved one, but we are grieving the loss of ourselves. We lose the self that we were when we were with them and we'll never have that again. That's just another layer in what makes this so hard, I think.

I'm glad to hear you're considering getting a new dog, but I think you're right in waiting a bit. The wonderful distraction of a new furry one in your life might have the effect of stuffing your grief and having it pop up in some other place in your life. I believe you'll know when it's time. I lost a puppy almost 13 years ago (before her first birthday... so sad). It was about 8 weeks before I started obsessing over a new puppy and another month before I found Vanessa. For me, it was the right time and as I said before, I think you'll know.

I know everyone grieves in their own time frame, but I have found that after the first month, I felt myself healing. Not that I'm not sad anymore (because I still am), but just that I feel the pieces of myself coming back together again, if that makes any sense. It has just been in the last couple of weeks that I can walk into the bathroom and not be struck by the fact that their litter box is not there. I can glance at the chair where Joe used to sleep and not be slammed with his absence. I can roll over in the middle of the night and not be startled by the lack of them sleeping beside me. These are steps I'm making and I know, in time, you'll start to notice some of those things in your own life.

Thanks for sharing your journey after losing Vienna. It helps all of us to know we are not on our own in this.

CritzyJ

Hi Tara, I'm relating so much to the things you're saying.

At least we're at the point now where we know we're going to be okay, although we aren't yet. I said similar words to a friend on Monday, that "I'm going to be okay, but I'm not yet." I think this will be with me a while in fact.

Everything seems to be a "first" doesn't it? The first kickboxing without her waiting for you when you get home, and for me the first thunderstorm without him was tough. Little things that we didn't think twice about before. Like you said, we never took our pets for granted, and you always know how much you'll miss them when they pass, but nothing can prepare you for when it actually happens.

As for rescuing another animal, it's crossed my mind too, just not right now. I feel bad because I KNOW there are other cats out there that do and will need rescuing, but it just seems like right now is too soon for me. It might not be the best environment anyway at the moment, at this point I'm struggling just to function and it's probably not fair to bring an animal in right now.

I'm glad to hear you're doing a bit better, I'll be thinking of you.

I'm having a tough night tonight and just needed to express it where I won't be told to get over it. I unexpectedly got basically that exact comment from my dad earlier tonight. He called right after I'd just received the nameplate for Vienna's ashes and I also got a citation from the city for a tree I didn't even know was dead. I was just overwhelmed and when he asked how I was doing, I started crying. I was totally shocked when he told me that I needed to get past this because he's such a dog-lover himself. He has three dogs of his own who he treats like his babies. And he loved Vienna dearly and always took care of her when I had to go out of town. I think he doesn't like seeing me sad so I imagine his comment was more about his own pain rather than insensitivity. But it felt like he was rubbing salt in my very open wound. I really thought that he, over anyone else in my family, would understand if it takes a long time for me to get past the crying and sadness.

After nearly two weeks, it still seems so unreal that Vienna's gone. When I talked to the vet and found out there was nothing else to do for Vienna, I kept telling my mom that I couldn't believe this was happening. I feel like I've backtracked on accepting what's happened.

Man...tonight is just really bad. I've been doing pretty well for a couple of days. But I've cried enough tonight to make up for the last few days. My birthday is in a few weeks and people keep reminding me that there's a party...as if that's going to make up for everything. I just don't care. I just want Vienna to be with me. And I know that can't happen.

I've had a lot of support from the people around me. But I think they're ready for me to move on. I'm just glad I have somewhere I can continue to work through this without judgment. Thanks to everyone on this forum who've been so kind while you're going through your own grief. What a horrible club to belong to...but I'm glad it's here.

Tara

I am so sorry that you have had a hard day. You will find that the intense grief comes and goes. Little things will remind you from time to time. Please try to remember the good times and not think "They're gone!" They haven't gone; they are still in your memory, and Vienna's. Treasure the good times.

It's entirely up to you, but if I were you it might be best to wait a little longer before thinking about getting another dog. It is best to get the grief into proportion first, so that you can give lots of love to the new dog.

But in a sense, Vienna is with you. You can't touch her, but be sure that she loves you, is aware of your current grief and wants you remember her; but because of her love for you she does not want you to be sad. She would not want you to be crying all the time; she would want you to remember her forever, with a warm, enduring love.


It's a group of loving, caring souls who offer each other support. I am so glad that you have been supporting others on this forum. Helping others is also a good way to work out your own grief.

I send you my warmest best wishes. Try to sense Vienna's closeness to you, even now. She is right next to your heart....

Hi, Tara, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please permit me to try to offer you some words of comfort and support as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

One of the many difficult things looming before us in our grief journey is establishing a "new normal" that no longer includes the physical presence of our beloved companion. This doesn't happen overnight, or in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - it happens imperceptibly at first and then gradually over time. As our other forum correspondents have shared with you, I also understand from first hand experience dreading coming home knowing that there is a very important companion no longer physically here to greet me - - while on the other hand wanting only to be here at home because this is where I feel their precious sweet Living Spirits with me.

During the deep grief it will feel like you will be taking a half step forward and ten steps backward, but I promise you it will not always be like this. One day you will find yourself taking a step forward, and then another and another - - each step forward stronger than the one before. Does this mean you will NEVER have another sad day? No - - for your heart will always long to have your beloved Vienna physically with you, and even 20 years down the road you may feel a mist come to your eyes and an ache to your heart when you are recalling a treasured memory with your beloved Vienna. The good news is that the sadness will pass quickly, and you will find yourself smiling through the sadness.

Until this time comes for you, Tara, please know we are indeed here for you, with you, and beside you as you travel your grief adjustment journey to share with you the not so bad days, the not so good days, and the days when your heart feels like it is breaking under the unbearable weight of your sorrow.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Tara, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Vienna's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Tara, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Tara

I wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and hope you're having a good day. I know the pain that comes from the "What If" and "Should Have" questions. They are still rolling around in my mind. And I think they always will in some way.

I've recently had experiences with Scarlett - yes - present tense. She came to visit us on the two month anniversary of her passing.

Earlier in the day I had a crushing Scarlett sighting... it was so real all I could do was cry. Later that same night Scarlett came to visit us again. My husband and I were having a heavy grieving day so my best friend came over to the house to lend her support and she brought her furry baby Cody with her. My husband and I always called Cody our nephew and so we also called him Scarlett's cousin. We were all hanging out in the living room sharing Scarlett stories. My husband was on a leather chair on one side of our living room and me, Cody and my best friend were on the other side, sitting on the couch. Cody was laying on his mom's lap fast asleep and out of nowhere he sat up, jumped down from the couch and b - lined it to my husbands chair. Cody jumped onto my husbands lap, then made his way to my husband's chest, and once standing on my husband's chest Cody then put a paw on either side of my husband's neck and started to lick him non-stop. The thing is Cody has NEVER done any of this behavior before, we've known him for all of his life, and we've baby-sat him in our home when my friend had to go out of town and he has never done anything like this before. My best friend was in shock because she's never seen him do this before either - we all sat there stunned and sobbing because there was only one furry one that DID do this behavior - this is the exact same thing Scarlett would do to my husband. She would stand on his chest, place one paw on either side of his neck and kiss him and on top of that Scarlett would only like to kiss her daddy on his forehead (of all places) and guess where Cody was kissing him? Yup, you got it. We used to call it the Scarlett facial...

I just wanted to share this story with you - it was reassuring to us to know that her soul is still with us. To have just another moment with our furry one is such a blessing. I know Vienna is still with you and that she is leading you to adopting another - I can feel Scarlett doing the same for us. When it is right you will know. And as for your fathers comment. I had to deal with similar comments from a family member - I agree with your assessment - that "he doesn't like seeing me sad so I imagine his comment was more about his own pain rather than insensitivity." He means well, it just shows you that he's probably not the right one to lean on for support right now.

I am still in the deep grieving period so I don't know what it will feel like when it lightens up but hearing from everyone here on this site makes me hold onto the belief that it will... and having the experience with Scarlett's sweet soul reassures me that she is still with us. I know Vienna is still with you.


Hope today is treating you well - sending you healing energy and keeping you in my thoughts.

Tara, I'm so sorry you had such a bad night last night. Boy, it's all too familiar with me. A few good days, then a meltdown. And I, too, have experienced those comments that are crushing... "They were just cats, it's not like losing a child." Ugh! Even from a few pet-loving friends, which is perplexing to me. I agree that coming to this forum is so helpful. It's a place where we can vent, cry, share experiences of our babies' presence, and grieve as long and as hard as we need to.

Hang in there, Tara, the tunnel is dark, but there is a light out there and we're all moving toward it together!

CritzyJ

Dear Tara,

I'm so very sorry for your loss.
Your list of things you will always remember about Vienna brought tears to my eyes. I could totally relate to what you were saying about grieving for the life you had with her, I feel the same way, I can vividly remember all the times I would hold my baby in my arms and feel there was nothing more I could possibly want from life.
My birthday was a bit over a week ago and I could barely bring myself to pick up the phone and reply to people's "Happy b-day" messages. We had a little low-key get together with a friend born on the next day and all I could think of was this year my baby won't be home to greet me.
I still ache for his physical presence, but lately there have been fleeting moments when I nearly feel him. I asked him for signs and I believe he sent me a few.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is we've got a long road ahead and some days are going to be harder than others, but we've got to put one foot in front of the other and hope that every day takes us one step closer to healing. People tell me that, gradually, as the cloud of grief becomes a little less oppressive, we may finally begin to feel their presence around us.
Thank you for generously finding the time to comfort me in the midst of your own grief.
Hugs, sending you thoughts of peace and healing!

Thanks again to all who continue to send support through this forum. It's been exactly 2 weeks since I lost Vienna and I've been pretty good most of the day because I volunteered to give surveys at a Farmer's Market (a project for my job) this morning to occupy my mind. Everytime I'd be by myself for a minute, I couldn't stop thinking about Vienna's last minutes and how she relaxed into my arms when she died. I'm not sure whether that was comforting or distressing today. I knew I had to let go. But it's still so hard. The funny (not really) thing is that each Friday has been harder than Saturdays, the day she actually passed. I got the really bad news that she wasn't doing well on Friday. So that was the day that it started to become real that I'd probably lose her...no matter how hard I prayed or wished for her to come home.

I started cleaning when I got home today, which helped for a little while. Then when I got to the spots where Vienna used to lay against the woodwork to keep cool, or just brushed the woodwork as she walked through the room, I saw the dirty smudges she left on the white wood. Because she had such long hair that trapped dirt, I'd gotten used to having to clean the woodwork in those places from time to time. But it felt like erasing her presence when I cleaned them off. I know that that's not the case. Still, it was hard to think she won't lay in those spots again or brush the woodwork as she excitedly runs to see what I'm doing in whatever room I'm in.

It's really nice weather here today. And I think that's adding to my sadness because Vienna would so enjoy going for a walk. With her long hair, the hotter weather was tough. Unfortunately, the last few months didn't allow her to walk as much as she'd have probably liked. So it feels like she's been cheated...and so have I.

I'm also taking care of my dad's three dogs. They're very sweet and loving. But they're not Vienna. She used to try to herd them and was very jealous if I showed them any attention. I'm trying to take as good care of them as I did Vienna and treat them with as much love. But it's just a reminder that the dog I really want can't be here anymore.

A few days ago, I thought I was really doing a lot better. But things haven't been so good since then. I know it'll turn around but it's a reminder how deep this is. I just have to keep telling myself that I enjoyed immense unconditional love for 8 years with my sweet girl. And I guess what goes up, must come down. It just sucks. I think part of what's been tough the past few days is that the people around me haven't been as present - either physically or emotionally. Some kind of think it's time to move on and others, like my mom and dad, both happen to have left town at the same time. My mom called yesterday and hadn't realized I was having trouble. So she said she'd call each day to talk. That's incredibly helpful and just reminds me that I still have unconditional love even if Vienna isn't here.

I'm just rambling today. Lots of thoughts and feelings that I just wanted to get out. I'm going to go play with my dad's dogs now and appreciate that they love me as well...even if I don't "belong" to them like my dad and step-mom do.

Tara

In the spirit of trying to keep the good in mind, I thought I'd share one of my favorite photos of Vienna at her happiest - rolling around in her own leather chair (or so she thought it was hers):

Click to view attachment

Hi, Tara, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing and your and your beloved Vienna's two angel-versary. And thank you so much for sharing this wonderful picture of your beloved Vienna stretched out so peacefully on her favorite chair.

During our deep grief it does feel like we and our beloved companions have been cheated from having more time together, particularly when we lose their sweet precious physical presence so young. It is very natural to think about the "what could have / should have beens" - - and the world doesn't seem fair. Sadly we are not privileged with the wisdom of foreknowledge - - which includes the how and when our companions will transition home to the angels when we embrace them into our hearts. Yet this is a good thing for, if we knew ahead of time the circumstances that would lead to our eventual physical separation, we would then be faced with the decision of not having them in our lives - - which would then deprive them of knowing a loving human heart, and deprive us of their unconditional love.

But none of this - - and everything else - - makes little sense when our hearts are deeply grieving. I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, Tara, and if I knew of one I most certainly would share it with you and everyone else on this wonderful forum. Unfortunately, though, the only way to navigate it is one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, knowing that you are surrounded by people on this forum who truly do understand what you are going through, and who are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Tara, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Vienna's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks moon beam and everyone else for your kind words over the past few weeks. Everyone always leaves comments that makes me think deeply about something that seems to be exactly what I need at that time. Because its raining again today and is cool - the kind of weather during which I loved to sit with Vienna right beside me - I've felt Vienna's absence very intensely. But your words about not being guaranteed a certain amount of time (or something to that effect) have become a bit of a mantra as I feel myself getting sad or angry. The reality of how things are...and were certainly meant to be...is just different than what I would've chosen.

When I came home to a house full of my dads dogs today...who are very sweet but obviously not Vienna...I was pretty sad and feeling very sorry that Vienna isn't here with them. But I found a card in the mail from the emergency clinic where she passed. It was so comforting because it was signed by every one of the staff. All of them mentioned how sweet Vienna was and how hard she fought against what was ultimately too tough for her to overcome. It helped me be assured that she spent her last days with people who treated her with love and kindness and who understood how precious she was to me. I don't know if this is common practice at places like this but they couldn't have done anything more kind to help me after Vienna's death.

So that's where I am today. Struggling with the complicated feelings that come from taking care of my dads dogs, dealing with the sadness that Vienna can't be here too, and appreciating the comfort provided by the people on this forum as well as those who provided such loving care to her in her last days. This is truly the horror roller coaster that's been referenced by many...and I've never liked roller coasters at all! But I'm keeping the faith that the unpleasant part will eventually end and the memories of the sweet, feisty girl I and others loved will remain.

Hi, Tara, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I'm so very glad you received the card from the emergency vet, and that it has offered you comfort. During our very deep grief it is the final weeks, days, hours, minutes of our beloved companion's earthly journey that weigh heavily on our hearts and minds. Please let me try to reassure you that one day you will be able to focus on the many treasured memories you and your beloved Vienna share - - and you will feel the warmth of these memories once again in your heart. But as the song goes "you can't hurry love, you just have to wait" - - also applies to this grief adjustment journey -- for it is a journey that is also filled with love.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Tara, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Vienna's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Today has been a really tough day for some reason. With everything I've done today or at work, all I can think is "Vienna was alive the last time I did this." I woke up sad this morning and have never gotten past it. I was planning to go back to kickboxing tonight after getting injured this weekend. But I don't feel like I can make it through the class without crying. For some reason, everything feels unsafe and hostile right now. Like I lost all my emotional, mental and physical strength when Vienna died. She was my shield and comfort.

I guess I'm kind of fortunate that things are a little slow at work right now because I can't focus for more than a few minutes. And, just like with just about every other place I went today, it feels unsafe. I've always really enjoyed my job and the people I work with. But I just want to be at home. Even though its lonely without Vienna, at least it feels more safe than anywhere else.

I don't even really know what to say other than I really miss her and can't imagine things getting better...at least not given how I feel today. This just seems unbearable even though I know I've had better days than this in the past couple of weeks since Vienna died. It's still very unreal that this happened.

Wow - I normally try to stay focused on the idea that things will get better. But I just can't see it today.

Sorry to hear today has been so tough. Who knows why some days are worse than others. I find no days are particularly easy, but some are just much, much worse than others it seems.

The one thing that gives me hope that things will get better is that the bad days are spaced further apart now, as opposed to every day in a row. But yeah, when they happen they're so intense. I hope your bad days are a little less frequent than they were at least.

Thinking of you.

Today's been another really tough day. I feel like I'm backsliding because I had a couple of days last week where I felt a little better. I feel like I've fallen in a hole or something. I find myself thinking about Vienna constantly and worrying whether she was scared or hurting before she died. I'm sure she was and I just can't stand it. And I just miss her so much. I knew how deeply I loved her and how connected we were. But I just had no idea how immersed I was in caring about her.

Today it's been storming and I kept finding myself thinking "I need to get home and be there to comfort Vienna." I never really even did that much for her when it was storming because she kind of hid. But I always felt like I should be here just so she wasn't alone. If you had asked me before whether I lived my life around her, I would've said no - without a doubt. But I guess I did. I think I really miss being needed...and I know I needed her for comfort as well.

This always helps me to write how I'm feeling on this forum. It not only helps me feel like I'm keeping Vienna's presence alive but it's also a consistent source of support. A lot of my friends and co-workers think I should be totally OK by now and my dad told me I need to stop crying. People keep telling me to focus on my birthday next week. i just dont care about that at all. I cant imagine feeling any differently for awhile. But my mom has been incredible - although it know it hurts her to see me so sad. But she's been out of town for the past week and has been pretty busy. So I don't have as much direct access to support right now. So - as I've said many times, thanks to all who've sent such kind words, thoughts and prayers my way. I hope I can do the same for others.

Hi, Tara, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are experiencing with your deep sorrow is NORMAL. Some people think that if they suppress their sorrow that it will make the grieving less painful. Clinical studies have proven that this is very harmful - - both emotionally and physically. Scientific studies prove that the tears we cry are literally healing tears as they literally wash the toxins out of the body that build up from the stress of grief. So please continue to release your sorrow as you feel the need - - even if you need to wait until you are able to do it privately. Your heart and body NEED this release. I promise you the tears will subside as the stress of your grief eases - - but only your body can determine when this happens for you.

Yes, when our companions come into our lives they become the center of our universe for they are totally dependent upon us for their every need - - food, medical care, emotional nurture, etc.. Their needs become second nature to us and our lives revolve around them. This is one of the many reasons why this grief journey is so painful when they precede us to the angels because we are faced with the incredible painful task of re-inventing our lives that no longer includes the physical care and attention we have devoted to our companions.

It is very normal for milestone events - - such as birthdays, anniversaries, etc. - - which have normally brought us pleasure to lose their excitement when our hearts are grieving - - particularly during the deep grief, as they represent the "first without" our beloved companion to share it with us. Once again, Tara, what you are feeling is very normal deep grief. This may be one of the experiences you will need to put on the "public face" to please others around you. Hopefully in some way you will feel your beloved Vienna's sweet Living Spirit sharing your birthday with you, and if so, I hope this will bring comfort to your heart.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Tara, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Vienna's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you moon beam for your comforting words. They're always so helpful and healing. The last couple of days have been much better although I've still had moments of feeling like this is unbearable. But I think back to when I was just numb and could barely go more than a few minutes without crying, and I guess it's better. It still seems so surreal that Vienna's not coming back. I've adjusted somewhat to not having her here. But it's like I'm just waiting for her to come back. I think it's going to take some time until I can wrap my head around the reality.

My mom is really concerned about me being alone at home. She wants me to consider getting a new dog fairly soon. Given that it still doesn't seem real that Vienna's gone, I think I need more time. Contrary to how I felt a week or two ago, I don't want to rush into anything because I feel like I need to be further along in grieving Vienna before I bring another dog into my life. Right now, even though I'm constantly dreaming about dogs and have even done some research on rescued Shelties that are available for adoption, I just think I wouldn't be able to see what's special in a new dog because I'd be mourning what I miss about Vienna. She was such a character - both feisty and sweet. I want to take more time to truly appreciate and remember what was so special about her. But I do really understand and appreciate my moms concern. And I think she's totally supportive of what I feel I need to do. On the plus side, I think the dreams about dogs are a good thing. In a weird way, I kept thinking that Vienna wouldn't want me to have another dog because I was hers alone. But the dreams make me think that it'll be ok. At the very least, some of the dreams involve Vienna and I'm able to hold and comfort her again - like I'm making up for her last few days of being so sick.

Anyway, just wanted to express how I've been feeling the last few days - even if just for myself. But I hope others are doing well and finding comfort during this tough time.

Hi, Tara, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I am so glad your mom is being supportive of you during this time of great sorrow. I do agree with you that only YOU can determine when the "right time" is for you to embrace a new companion into your heart and home. While some people find it comforting to adopt quickly after the physical loss of a beloved companion, others - - like you - - need to take the time to adjust to the "new normal" without the physical presence of their beloved companion who is now with the angels. Other people bridge the absence by pet sitting for family members or friends, while others become foster parents for homeless waifs who are waiting for a Forever Home. Only YOU can decide what is best for YOU, Tara. And rest assured that your beloved Vienna is already guiding a new companion to the moment in time when you will meet and you will know beyond all shadow of a doubt that he / she is the RIGHT companion at the RIGHT TIME.

About a year after my beloved canine companion Oslo joined the angels it was the time when County ID tags were being issued. When I went into the treasurer's office to pay my taxes I knew I would not be getting a new license for him. As I was leaving I looked at the electronic bulletin board which was scrolling the notice about needing to get new ID tags and for that split second I thought I had forgotten to do it and realized I did not have his Rabies information with me - - and then I remembered again that I did not have to do this - - and it was with a heavy heart for several moments that I walked back to my car.

So please know that it is perfectly normal for you to have moments when you will experience a "new awareness" that your beloved Vienna is no longer physically with you. It's a part of this grief adjustment journey - - which is a roller coaster ride sometimes.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Tara, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Vienna's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi TaraG

Stopping by to see how you are doing.

I can relate to so many things you're going through. Me and my hubby are talking about bringing another furry one into our home - but we know its not time yet. Our Scarlett will lead us to the new member of the family when we are ready and I feel Vienna will do the same for you.

I continue to try to navigate through this grief journey as I know you are. Some days are better than others. Sometimes I see the last image I have of our Scarlett's body and the pain from that image cuts like a knife. Losing a furry baby is a harsh reality to adjust to - all we can do is to breathe and take it one day at a time.

I continue to hold you in my thoughts and prayers.

~ Scarlett's Mom

Well...I think I may actually go to kickboxing tonight. I've been intending to go every week since Vienna passed but I've just felt too vulnerable to go do something so intense when it comes down to it. I lost my foundation of safety and comfort when Vienna died so it's been really hard for me to go back to this one thing in my life that's super-challenging and draining. But I had a good talk with a friend earlier, who lost her dog about 4 months ago. We both just sat in my office and cried for a long time. But I feel a little more "solid" tonight than I have in awhile.

I had a horrible meltdown on Monday that was basically precipitated by the fact that I couldn't find anything on TV I wanted to watch. I felt so silly. But I think it just reflected the fact that my main source of comfort is gone and anything unexpected or out of the ordinary right now feels really threatening. The good thing is that after I bawled so hard I thought the neighbors would hear, I felt better. And my mom came over, because I called her and told her I was having a rough time. So that helped as well. But I think she's about at the end of her patience with me being so focused on the loss. I understand that she wants me to be happy and I think she understands the magnitude of this loss. In some ways, I think it was good for her to remind me to pay attention to the positive things that remain in my life. But I also feel like I'm doing what's right for me and I'm going to come through this ok.

I had to travel to several different cities around the state yesterday. One of them was where I got Vienna from the Sheltie rescue. It was tough to stay focused on work when I was so distracted by this overwhelming longing to go back to that first day when our life together was in front of me. My co-worker and I stopped to eat right across the street from where I stopped to let Vienna go to the bathroom. I could remember everything so clearly and it hurt so bad to know that I couldn't go home to her. I knew I would have those thoughts when I scheduled this trip a few weeks ago. But I had no idea they'd still be so strong.

Well...it's been some good, some bad lately. But I think it's getting better overall. I'm still hit several times a day by the reality that she's not coming back. I guess if I cant go back in time, I'll have to move forward. But I'll always miss my special little girl.

Hi Tara,

It's all so hard, so many reminders, so many firsts without our babies. It's amazing how many things can catch us off guard. For me, the other day, it was passing the cat food aisle in the grocery store. Then I went to Michael's to buy frames for a few photos of my kitties that I've been meaning to frame for a while. I couldn't buy the frames. My heart just hurt so badly thinking out the finality of it all, I just couldn't buy them.

It's eight weeks today since I lost my boys and while I'm soooooo much better than I was weeks ago, I still cry. I still find that the raw emotions are so close to the surface. I feel absolutely fine and within seconds the tears flows.

Good for you for taking steps to get back into your life. You do have things to look forward to in your life. You will have happier times in the future. This is just a lousy process that we have to go through.

Keep moving forward. Step by step we'll get there.

CritzyJ

Hi TaraG,

Wanted to Thank you for taking the time to send me a message. This grieving process is so unpredictable - you're right "It would be nice if this were a linear progression where we could count on each day being a little easier than the last."

I keep going back to a quote that CritzyJ posted:

"Going through grief is like going through a tunnel. The bad news is the tunnel is dark. The good news is that once you enter into that tunnel, you are already on your way out."

I've been looking at this quote a lot lately and I realized I've been mis-interpreting it - I saw it as a linear journey and its not saying that at all. Its stating that at some time in the future, in our own time we will each emerge from this dark, grief space (tunnel) and we don't know how long it will take but we will. I have to believe it will get better for all of us at some point.

Hope you did go to your Kickboxing Class. I'm about to go for a workout myself - the last couple days have drained me so much, my workouts are the only thing that have been recharging me - if that makes any sense.

Hi, Tara, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, as you have so poignantly shared with us: " I'll always miss my special little girl", no matter how much time continues with your earthly journey there will always be a part of you in your heart that will miss the precious physical presence of your beloved Vienna. This is what eternal love is - - and nothing in heaven or on earth can ever diminish the forever love you and your beloved Vienna share.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Tara, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Vienna's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks moon beam for your continued encouragement as time goes on. It's been exactly one month since I lost my sweet little girl. I didn't think I'd ever get to the point where I'd feel relatively ok...but that's where I am today. I celebrated my 50th birthday yesterday. While there were times when some sadness caught up with me because of the awareness of the lack of Vienna's physical presence, it was a good day with good friends and wonderful family. I still miss her terribly...and I even had several of those weird moments last night where I woke up and thought I saw or heard her. But I'm getting through the days without the intense sadness and feeling of desperation about wanting her back. Not that they won't come back. But life is moving forward even though I didn't think it could just a few weeks ago.

I've even been having some discussions with the person who runs the shelter where I got Vienna regarding adopting another (or two!) Sheltie. There's a 10 year old Sheltie she's offered to give me if I'm willing to adopt an older dog. Oddly, I'm seriously considering this because he needs a home...and I'd go into it with more mindfulness of appreciating the present rather than counting on having a certain amount of time. Any decision is still a few weeks off because they have to check out my yard, etc. But I've gotten past feeling like this would be some sort of betrayal of Vienna. However, I'd welcome any thoughts on the wisdom of adopting an older dog so soon after such a tough and unexpected loss. I may do it anyway...but I do value input.

Anyway, things are getting better as everyone said they would. As an &%^ytical researcher who deals with social issues that touch the heart, I know very well that what you know to be true is often hard for your heart to accept. But you eventually get to it if you have kind support along the way. So thanks again to all who have helped me and others.

Um...not sure why it looked like I was cussing in my previous post (i.e., all of the weird symbols). But I meant to type "&%^ytical researcher."

Well...never mind. The weird symbols keep coming up.

Hi, Tara, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I'm so glad to share your news that your birthday was a pleasant experience, even though your beloved Vienna could not physically share it with you.

Don't worry about the symbols showing up when you write "a n a l y t i c a l" - - that has happened to me as well in my posts.

I am so glad you are feeling stronger in considering embracing a new companion into your heart and home. Please know your beloved Vienna is guiding your path in this endeavor, and I think it is WONDERFUL you are seriously considering giving a home to an older companion. The important thing is that YOU feel comfortable in your heart as to when you will embrace a new companion into your heart and home. Please let us know how things go.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Tara, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Vienna's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Tara,

I think giving a home to an older dog is such a beautiful idea and it really depends on how you're feeling about it. In some ways, I almost think bringing an older dog in within a short time of losing Vienna is almost better than bringing a younger one home. With a younger one, you might be adopting a dog to fill your emptiness only to realize what you wanted was Vienna and not the new dog. With an older one, it's like having a different purpose. Doing something special for the dog instead of filling a hole in your life. Although, I'm sure this new companion will bring much love and joy to your life.

I don't know if any of this helps, but just some thoughts I was tossing around. I continue to think of you as your heart heals.

CritzyJ

Thanks moon beam and CritzyJ for your support and thoughtfulness. I'm in the process of moving forward with adopting 2 Shelties - one that's older and one a little younger. It'll probably be another week before I can pick them up but I'm really looking forward to having a living presence in the house again. Vienna is always here - it'll always be her house as much as it belongs to anyone. But it's a pretty lonely place with only me here. However, I've had a number of vivid dreams about petting her and having her near. So it's kind of helped me feel like she's guiding me to have another dog to pet and love.

Things are getting much better and I feel like I'm more stable than I've been in quite awhile. Up until now, I almost felt wobbly - not physically but just like I might crumble at any time. Ironically, I fractured my foot the other day...so I really am wobbly. Just not for the same reason. But I find that mornings have become the hardest. It's just so quiet and I really miss seeing Vienna do her downward dog stretch in front of me when I got out of bed. She'd also push her way through the bedroom door before I could even get it open wide enough for her. I just miss those little things she did. Every morning, I just feel emotionally sore. It's like when I've had knee surgeries - I may go to bed feeling fairly ok...but things hurt badly when I wake up. It's still better than it was.

I'm sure there'll still be tough moments. I still have trouble believing she's really gone. It's just unfathomable...as is death in general. She was such a huge part of my life and such a special little character. But it'll be ok. I was very, very blessed to have had 8 years with her. And I'm going to be sure to appreciate every day with the new dogs (Reagan and Rascal) the way I did with Vienna.

Hi, Tara, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please accept my sincerest congratulations on your new companions Reagan and Rascal. I know your beloved Vienna is smiling in total agreement having two brothers to lovingly look after, and will guide them in showing them how they can look after you. I look forward to sharing your news in the New Beginnings forum when you and Reagan and Rascal formally become a family.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Tara, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Vienna's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Read your post and wanted to Thank you. I'm okay... I think you worded it correctly when you said that you feel "emotionally sore" - yeah, I feel that way too.

We were and are blessed to have had that unconditional love in our life. I am so happy to hear that you will be bringing two furry one's into your home and heart soon. I feel like we are being guided to bringing another into our home and I anticipate that when we do, having that sweet soul with us will help us in our healing process.

Hope today was a good day for you and I am looking forward to the photos of Reagan and Rascal.

Have a wonderful night.

Again, thanks to all who've responded to me and posted elsewhere. Although I'm doing better, and just recently brought home Regen, my new dog, today is kind of tough. It's been 6 weeks exactly since Vienna passed. As I somewhat expected, having Regen here has been both a joy and a reminder that Vienna's not here. Regen is wonderful and has had a rough life for the past few months since her human mom was given a poor prognosis with cancer. She's been shuffled around to various family members who didn't care for her as well as she needed. So I think she really needed me and I'm very happy to have her..
It's nice to have her sweet, gentle presence in my house. I feel much safer. But I miss Vienna even more than in the past few weeks. Regen is definitely more friendly than Vienna so people keep making comments about how she'll be better for me than Vienna was. That's really hard to hear because some of what made Vienna special was what other people saw as a problem.

I keep going back and forth between thinking maybe I rushed into getting another dog and thinking this is the way it was supposed to happen. I tend to more strongly believe that this is the way it was meant to be - things happen the way they do for a reason. If it weren't meant to be this way, events wouldn't have unfolded the way they did to bring Regen into my life at this point. I kind of think that I'd have similar feelings even if I'd waited longer to get Regen.

In general, I really believe that sorrow and happiness can co-exist. I know I'll come to love Regen as deeply as I did Vienna and she's a joy to have with me right now. At the same time, I just want Vienna back. Since I can't have that, I'm just going to keep moving forward and trying to focus on the good things - Regen, my family, my friends - I have right now.

Hi Tara,

So glad to hear the update about your adoption of Regen. I'm sure it is very hard for you, while joyful at the same time and I believe you're right that sadness and joy can coexist. I think you might want to just not entertain the idea that it was the wrong decision. You were led to adopt her, you did, and now the two of you are in each other's lives. That's the situation and that's the path for the future. You will grow to love her.

When I first got my cat, Joe, he was 3 years old and his owner (my neighbor) was going to take him to the pound because her new roommate was allergic to cats. I couldn't bear the thought of that, so I looked for a home for him. I was unsuccessful. So, even though I already had a cat and just lost a cat a few months before, I took him in. He was a nice boy, but he didn't adore me and while I thought he was sweet, I didn't particularly adore him either. It was over time and even years that he fell madly in love with me and then I fell for him. I find myself now, 10 weeks after his death, still so desperately sad not to have him with me. And here he was a kitty I took in just because he needed someone. He ended up stealing my heart. So, I believe this will be true of you and Regen.

Allow yourself to continue to grieve for Vienna. As you know, it gets easier, but I don't think we just stop all of a sudden and move on. We revisit the pain and, of course, having a reminder of Vienna with the new presence of Regen may make it harder in some ways, it may also be just the thing to keep you on the path to working through your grief.

Hope all is well with you and Regen tonight.

CritzyJ

Hi, Tara, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please permit me to add my congratulatioins to your new family member Regen. As you and CritzyJ have said, sorrow and happiness can co-exist. It sounds like Regen needs you, for her heart is also broken. In comforting her hopefully your heart will also find comfort. CritzyJ has shared with you what is also in my heart, "Allow yourself to continue to grieve for Vienna. As you know, it gets easier, but I don't think we just stop all of a sudden and move on. We revisit the pain and, of course, having a reminder of Vienna with the new presence of Regen may make it harder in some ways, it may also be just the thing to keep you on the path to working through your grief."

I hope today is treating you and your precious Regen kindly, Tara, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Vienna's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks CritzyJ and moon beam for your perspective on the grief and joy I've been having since bringing Regen home. I really appreciate the comments - particularly the reinforcement that theeightening of grief for Vienna in light of starting a new life with Regen is normal. I'm definitely enjoying having Regen but have been missing Vienna even more. But that's OK. I think it would be strange if I didn't think of Vienna - as though she could be replaced.

I absolutely agree that Regen is probably mourning as well. She was with her previous mom for about 6 years and she clearly wasn't treated that well when she was shuffled to family members. I'm sure they did their best given the situation but she wasn't given her daily thyroid meds, got fleas, gained a lot of weight and lost a lot of fur. She got good care at the shelter but is still on the mend. So we're definitely kindred spirits in healing from a significant loss. She's a sweetheart in spite of this.

Although my most recent memories of Vienna were of how deeply connected we were, I'm sure I was unsure of adopting her initially. I got her only a month after my previous dog died. I kind of remember struggling to not constantly compare her to Keith. So I have no doubt this will pass with Regen as it did with Vienna.

Poignantly, Regen just walked up and laid down on Vienna's bed beside me. She's been laying with her head or paw on it...but not her whole body until now. I think Vienna would be OK with sharing.

It's been almost 2 months since I lost my sweet Vienna. I still can't fathom that she's gone. I think death is the ultimate mystery because none of us have directly experienced it. So there are no answers to any of the questions we might have. In particular, I worry that Vienna was hurting or scared...or that she just doesn't exist anywhere anymore. Although I do think there's something beyond this life, it still worries me about where she is and whether she's ok.

Even though it may not sound like it, I do think I'm much better. But today I had one of those moments that come out of the blue where I felt like I couldn't breathe due to the enormity of the loss. I've been crying off and on since then. But I know it's just a temporary set back in the movement forward.

I've been enjoying my new dog Regen. She's such a sweetheart. Every once in a while, she does something that reminds me of Vienna. That both comforts and hurts. But I know that Regen really needed me as much as I needed her. I didn't realize how much I must've talked to Vienna because I talk to Regen all the time. Just silly stuff. But it breaks the emptiness that was here with Vienna's absence. There still a big hole where Vienna was...but a new "thing" (whatever it might be called) is taking shape with Regen. I'm glad to have her.

I feel like I've come a long way in healing over the past 2 months. But it's amazing how much further it feels like I need to go. I'm just trying to really focus on the good in each day. Vienna brightened my life every single day I had her. I owe it to her, me and Regen to continue to find joy in her memory and the new things that come along each day with Regen.