I'm so glad to have found this website and the opportunity to grieve along side others. Two days ago, I said goodbye to my two cats, Steve and Joe. Steve was 15 years old and had been diagnosed with kidney failure in April. Despite all our efforts with food, medication, and sub-Q fluids, his systems continued to shut down and his health was failing. Joe was 20 years old and had been diagnosed in June with a large cancerous mass in his chest that was pushing on his trachea, making it hard for him to breathe. My husband and I decided that we didn't want to drag out their lives to the point of extreme suffering and wanted to let them go when they were still in moderate, but declining health. Even still, the decision was agonizing. I wanted them to tell me when they were ready and though their bodies were telling me, they themselves were not. They still socialized and wanted to eat, so I just wasn't sure how to make the decision. Then on Wednesday, they both told me they were ready. It was clear that the time had come, so I let them go.

I thought the letting go part was going to be the hardest, but now two days later, I realize that the real pain comes in the unfolding of memories and the absence of them which seems to scream it's presence throughout the house. My heart is absolutely broken. Yesterday I ordered some garden stones engraved with their names and four little paw print stones to put in the flower garden where they loved to sleep. When I clicked to confirm the order, it was like being punched in the chest. So final.

As I look through photo albums of the last 20 years, I find pictures of them sprinkled throughout the memories of our marriage and it occurred to me that that sprinkling was like they really were in our lives. Cats are kind of elusive and do their own thing and their presence is sprinkled throughout each day, each week, each passing year. In their older years, they were more home bodies and hung out with us and the dogs. Last night I cried so hard I could barely breathe and while I know the pain will eventually lessen, it's hard to believe it ever could. A part of me almost doesn't want it to lesson as that signifies a greater depth of letting go and I never want to let go.

So, I'm rambling and I'm going to stop now, but it feels good just to say it. Thank you for listening.

Jennifer

Hi, CritzyJ, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical losses of your beloved companions Steve and Joe. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels. Losing two, or more, companions at the same time or within a short period of time intensifies the grief.

CritzyJ, please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both physically and emotionally, yes - - still very normal. This grief journey is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - it is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride.

This grief journey is not one of "getting over" or "moving on" or finding "closure" to the physical loss of our beloved companion but rather is a journey of "adjustment to" their physical absence - - and it is a very painful adjustment to make - - for you are now enduring all the "first withouts" and the continual reminders of "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" that right now are very painful and only seem to intensify the deep grief that is in your heart. It is a journey filled with the heartbreaking task of having to "re-invent" the routines of our daily lives that no longer includes the physical needs of our beloved companion - - and during the very deep grief it feels like every minute of every hour of every day is a painful reminder of this sorrowful "reality."

But I promise you, CritzyJ, that it will not always be this way. One day - - very probably when you least expect it - - you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Steve and Joe and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and your heart will once again feel the warmth of your treasured memories. And slowly but surely you will feel your beloved Steve and Joe reassuring you that it is okay to once again enjoy your continued earthly journey - - for your happiness is always their greatest delight. But it will take time for you to come to this point in your grief adjustment journey - - one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time. But this journey is one that you do not travel alone, CritzyJ. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

The good news in the midst of all this pain is that the love bond you and your beloved Steve and Joe share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Steve's and Joe's sweet Living Spirits continue to share your earthly journey as they always have and always will, CritzyJ - - for they are always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - they are always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep sorrow that there really are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow that is in our heart. Still, I hope and pray the words I share with you will be able to offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Steve and Joe with us, CritzyJ. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing pictures of them with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, CritzyJ, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you, moon_beam, for your kind and comforting words. It means a lot to me. Here is a picture of my boys.

Jennifer

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I saw a sign today with a quote from the Winnie the Pooh book. It was especially touching and comforting to me since I had a bad night of crying last night. It was like my little kitties were speaking it to me:

If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.

Thank you, Joe and Steve. I miss you.

Dear Critzy]

What dear and darling kitties! You can hardly tell where one ends and the other begins! And theres a reason for that: they are soulmates. Each carries a part of the others soul. And the best news is that YOU are their soulmate too. All of you carry parts of all of the others souls. Thats been so from the beginning of the world and will be so until its end. These amazing kitties seearched all over the unverse to find the one and only being who carried the piece of their souls - until they found ... YOU! Then they put themselves in your pathway so you would meet. And the rest is the most wonderful, loving time of any of your lives. It can never be "un-so". You are joined forever.

Now your kitties have gone back to where they came from: the Perfect World. Where there is only happiness, health, warmth, good food, warm sunshine, cool rain, millions of friends. Only one thing is missing .... YOU ... but just for a time. Someday, when you cross the bridge to the perfect World, they will rush to meet you and you will never again be parted.

As MoonBeam says, we humans live in a sensory world. if we dont see, hear, or touch something, we say its not there. But thats not true. Joey and Stevie are right where thye ever were: right beside you. But theyre there in spirit form. They can see you but you cannot see them. Sometimes you can sense them - maybe just for a fleeting moment. They are still on their job - watching over you, keeping you from harms, and most important of all, loving you.

For the first weeks or maybe months, youre in what I call the shock and awe period. Your heart feels like its been shot to pieces with a high powered rifle and is shattered. Thats right - it has. But the heart cant sustain this kind of pain, so the razor edge will dim a little - leaving you with an ache that I don't think ever passes. Some people say - and for them its probably right - that the pain is replaced with good memories. But I haven't found that to be true. The aches for my Gretta and my Rufus is just below the surface all the time and I shed tears for them easily - like now. But would I have given up the wonderful years I had with them .... NEVER.

Winnie the Pooh is one of my favorites, too. Just keep in mind that Joey and Stevie are always just a breath away and theyre sending down love and strength rays to you all the time. And someday you WILL be together again.

One hour at a time ....

Gretta and Rufuss mom (this site and my computer dont like apostrophes!)

Thank you Gretta and Rufus's mom,

Your words are comforting and I believe they're true. In the past days, I have felt my kitties near me, thought I heard scratching around in the litter box that is no longer there, and felt "phantom" kitty feet at the end of my bed where Joe slept every night of his life.

They are not the first pets I've lost, nor will they be the last (I have 13 and 10 year old dogs). And while the pain of losing them is so gut-wrenching, it's somewhat comforting in a weird way because it's a constant reminder that they were here. They left imprints on our lives and they will always be with us. What a gift!

Thank you again!

There's a song I listened to after the death of my beloved cat, Jake, 13 years ago. I found it on utube today (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjespGPhoMw) and decided to torture myself with it. It's beautiful. And while, I believe I WILL see my kitties again (unlike what the lyrics say), I dedicate this song now to Joe and Steve. Here are the lyrics:

Goodbye My Friend
Oh we never know where life will take us
We know it's just a ride on the wheel
And we never know when death will shake us
And we wonder how it will feel

So goodbye my friend
I know I'll never see you again
But the time together through all the years
Will take away these tears
It's O.K. now
Goodbye my friend

I'd see a lot of things that made me crazy
And I guess I held on to you
You could've run away and left, well maybe
But it wasn't time and we both knew

So goodbye my friend
I know I'll never see you again
But the love you gave me through all the years
Will take away my tears
I'm O.K. now
Goodbye my friend

A life so fragile, a love so pure
We can't hold on but we try
We watch how quickly it disappears
And we'll never know why

But I'm O.K. now
Goodbye my friend
You can go now
Goodbye my friend

There's another sad song I love by Beth Nielsen Chapman called Say Goodnight (Not Goodbye). It's on utube, too (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IjR2vk1jzC4) and it fits so well with the photo I posted of my sleeping kitties. I don't mean to torture everyone with sad songs, but for me there's something healing and comforting about embracing the grief. This one is written like our sweet babies are singing to us about how they will always be with us. Here are the lyrics to that one. --CritzyJ

Say goodnight not good-bye
You will never leave my heart behind
Like the path of a star
I'll be anywhere you are

In the spark that lies beneath the coals
In the secret place inside your soul
Keep my light in your eyes
Say goodnight not good-bye

Don't you fear when you dream
Waking up is never what it seems
Like a jewel buried deep
Like a promise meant to keep

You are everything you want to be
So just let your heart reach out to me
I'll be right by your side
Say goodnight not good-bye

You are everything you want to be
So just let your heart reach out to me
Keep my light in your eyes
Say goodnight not good-bye

Hello CritzyJ

Please allow me to add my deepest condolences on the loss of your beloved Steve and Joe. And to comment what a handsome pair they are indeed; obviously the best of friends. It's never easy letting go of our companions regardless of how long we are blessed with their physical presence.

I too experienced signs of visitations after Sir Thomas passed in December 2010. The litter box, the flapping blinds to the sliding doors, and the phantom paws. These visits can be very comforting and I'm glad they are making their presence known to you. You are correct about the sad songs being cathartic and healing, so please feel free to post as much as you like. We are all here for you. Take care.

TTT

Hi, CritzyJ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for the wonderful pictures of your beloved Steve and Joe. What sweet kitties they are, and that they are so content is a real testimony to the loving home you gave them during their earthly journey with you. They are forever blessed to have you as their Forever Mom.

Winnie the Pooh was one of my favorites so many years ago in my much younger years, and the lessons learned from the simple wisdom expressed way back then are still valid today. Thank you so much for sharing the quote with us, CritzyJ.

It is very normal that you may sometimes hear or feel or see your beloved Steve's and Joe's Living Spirits with you, for these are ways they find to let you know they are still close to you and continuing to share your earthly journey as they always have and always will.

It really doesn't matter if our grief journey is our first experience or our thousandth - - each grief journey is uniquely painful because each relationship we have with each of our companions during their earthly journey is uniquely individual. Grieving can make us feel alone, isolated, and abandoned. Please know you are always among friends here for as long and as often as you need us, CritzyJ - - you will never have to travel your grief adjustment journey alone.

I hope today is treating you kindly, CritzyJ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steve's and Joe's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you, Tom's Dad. I love to hear that others have felt the presence of their babies after their passing.

So I'm interested in what others have to say about how their surviving pets handle the death of a companion. I have two Boston Terriers (Vanessa--12 and Chloe--10). They didn't all absolutely adore each other all the time, but Vanessa and Joe loved each other as did Chloe and Steve. And, of course, Vanessa and Chloe never knew a day in our house without those cats.

The day the boys died, Vanessa knew something was different. She started jumping around and was making deep guttural noises. I only very slowly began to remove the cats' things because I didn't want to upset her, so even the litter boxes stayed for a few days. The second day, the dogs didn't seem to react at all. Then we had company for the weekend and they were distracted. When Monday came, they seemed to start moping and had no appetite. Vanessa even went to a place where Joe used to sleep on the carpet beside a chair and she laid her head down on that spot and then started licking the carpet.

Today, no enthusiasm about eating (although they ate eventually) and Chloe often sits with her teeth chattering. I know it's normal for pets to grieve, but is there anything I should be doing besides loving on them? I've upload a few photos. Joe and Vanessa sleeping in the sun. Chloe and Steve doing what we called "kiss a kitty." They both loved it and Steve would end up soaking wet.

By the way, there were noises in the non-existent cat box again last night. Happened twice.

CritzyJ

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Hi, CritzyJ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious Vanessa and Chloe are doing. Please let me try to reassure you that it is perfectly normal for companions who remain in the home to grieve for their housemates who have joined the angels.

From my personal experience the best thing you can do is what you are already doing - - comforting them, spending more quailty time with them, talking to them, and sharing their grief journey with them. They, too, experience the physical symptoms of stress of grieving as evidenced in their lack of appetite, vocalizations, lack of interest in normal activities. It is okay to encourage them to eat if they show no interest and to try to engage them in some of their activities. As long as they are eating fairly regularly, drinking water normally, and being able to take care of their personal needs properly the best thing you can do is offer them loving encouragement, comfort, and patience as they adjust to the physical absence of their beloved housemates Steve and Joe.

How long does their grieving last? Like with us so it is with our companions - - their grief journey is a personal experience. My precious Noah grieved deeply for his big adopted kitty brother Eli who joined the angels in December 2006 from end stage Lymphoma. Even though my precious Noah still had his beauitful baby sister Abbygayle with him who he adored and doted on in a loving brotherly way, it took him close to 2 years to stop sleeping on the comforter that Eli had slept on during his final weeks and days, and to stop going around the house crying and looking for his beloved brother. It broke my heart to see my precious Noah grieving so deeply, so as frequently as I could each and every day I told him how much I love him and how proud of him I am for being the best little kitty brother Eli could ever have wanted.

You will want to keep your precious Vanessa and Chloe under observation to make sure their grieving is not causing them physical harm. If you suspect they are not eating properly or are losing interest in their daily routines despite your best efforts to comfort and encourage them, then you may want to take them to their veterinary care provider for a check up. As with humans, the physical effects of the stress of grief may / can require some temporary medical intervention.

I hope what I have shared with you will be of some help to you, CritzyJ. Thank you so much for sharing these wonderful pictures of your beloved Steve and Joe with Vanessa and Chloe. They are truly precious, and I know you cherish these memories with all your heart. Thank you so much for honoring us by sharing them with us.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Vanessa and Chloe kindly, and that each of you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steve's and Joe's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you and your precious Vanessa and Chloe are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

It's breaking my heart to watch my dogs grieve for their kitties. In particular, Vanessa seems so sad without Joe.

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I title this post "Open Doors."

I've lived with cats for almost my whole life. Over the years I learned never to completely close closet doors or pantry doors. You never know when you're going to unknowingly close a cat inside. When I married my husband 17 years ago, he would say, "Why do you always leave doors cracked open? Can't you just shut the pantry door?" My response? Of course not. There might be a cat inside. Then he's say, "there's no cat in there." "Did you check behind everything? Because you never know," I'd say.

Since saying goodbye to Joe and Steve a week ago today, I've had an interesting "relationship" with doors. Sometimes I close them just to remind myself they're gone and to get myself to accept this reality. But sometimes, on purpose, I leave them cracked open. Just to remember them. Just in case their little spirits want to sneak into a closet and then come out again.

Boy, I miss them. I cry everyday. I can hardly focus on anything else, but them and the sadness my dogs feel without them. They were old and had to die of something at some point, but it sure doesn't make it any easier.

CritzyJ

Hi, CrtizyJ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious Vanessa and Chloe are doing. I am smiling with you about leaving the closet and pantry doors cracked open "just in case" there might be a kitty inside. It really is okay to continue this ritual because as you so aptly noted you just never know if / when your beloved Steve's and Joe's sweet Living Spirits might be visiting.

Yes, during the deep grief it is very hard to concentrate on anything for any prolonged period of time as the waves of sorrow are always so close to the surface. I promise you, CritzyJ, it will not always like this - - but it will take time for you begin to feel like you have regained some control over your deep sorrow. It really doesn't matter how long we are blessed with the privilege of our companion's physical presence - - it is NEVER long enough - - for we will always want one more minute, one more hour, one more day - - one more lifetime with them. The good news is that we are forever blessed to be the heir of their legacy of eternal love which nothing in heaven or on earth can ever take away from us.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Vanessa and Chloe kindly, and that each of you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steve's and Joe's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you and your precious Vanessa and Chloe are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Guilt, Regret, and Candle Conversations...

So when I said goodbye to Joe and Steve 8 days ago, I felt I had no regrets and I told them so in conversations I had with each of them on their last day. I took good care of them. They lived long, happy lives. I gave them lots of care for their illnesses in the end. So, while I was shattered inside to let them go, I had no guilt, no regrets. Until today. I was doing pretty well this morning. No tears. Then I was slammed. I should have noticed something earlier than I did with Steve. Maybe if I had noticed something that would have told me he was in kidney failure, I could have treated him sooner. Maybe I wasn't giving him fluids often enough. Maybe Joe would have been breathing easier months ago if I had known what was happening to him and could have started him on steroids sooner. Tears, tears, tears.

So, since Monday, I've been having candle conversations with my boys. Everyday at 4:00 I fed wet food to them. They would saunter downstairs to let me know when it was time. I'd put two salad plates on the dining room table and let them eat up there so the dogs wouldn't steal their food. So, all week at 4:00, I have been putting out two salad plates, but instead of food, I put a candle on each plate and I sit and talk to them. (My husband would think I'm insane.) I feel like it's a sort of portal and maybe they are looking at me from the other side of the flame somewhere. I tell them I miss them and that I'm sorry if I didn't do enough. I ask them to visit me in my dreams. And I ask them to visit Chloe and Vanessa in their dreams so they can explain why they're not coming home and where they are and that they, too, will join them some day. It's comforting somehow.

Gosh, I sure miss them.

CritzyJ

Hi, CritzyJ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Your candle conversations with your beloved Steve and Joe are sooooo very special - - what a WONDERFUL way to share your dedicated time with them. Thank you sooo much for sharing this special time with your beloved Steve and Joe with us.

Unfortunately guilt / remorse are a part of the many emotions we ALL experience at some point in time during our grief adjustment journey, CritzyJ, so please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is a very normal part of this grief journey. Hopefully in time you will once again have comfort in your heart that you did everything that is in your human and humane power to give your beloved Steve and Joe happy and healthy lives. Unfortunately our companions are very adept at disguising how they are feeling until they can no longer do it - - it is a genetic inherited trait they still receive from their wild cousins - - any sign of illness, injury, weakness is interpreted as making them vulnerable and easy prey. Unfortunately this is of little comfort to us - - their human caregivers. So please let your heart be at peace, CritzyJ - - you ALWAYS did the best you could for your beloved Steve and Joe.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Vanessa and Chloe kindly, and that each of you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steve's and Joe's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you and your precious Vanessa and Chloe are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Memorializing my Kitties...

I ordered a necklace to memorialize my kitties and noticed that they featured my necklace with Joe and Steve's names on it on their website. I would much rather have my cats than a stupid necklace to remember them by, but at least I can where it and keep it near my heart. Thought others might be interested in ordering some kind of memorial for their beloved pets. The website is remembermegiftboutique.com and you click on Pet Memorial Gifts and then on Pet Memorial Jewelry. Here's what mine looks like:

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Hi, CritzyJ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and your beautiful necklace that you can wear in loving honor of your beloved Steve and Joe. Sadly, no, the necklace is no "substitute" to having your beloved companions, - - but it is a loving reminder for you that they are always and forever close to you in your heart and memories.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Vanessa and Chloe kindly, and that each of you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steve's and Joe's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you and your precious Vanessa and Chloe are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Oh thank you so much CrtizyJ. I'm going to look into it right away. Poor kelly is a rescue dog and as you probably know, all rescue 'stories' are lies that shelters tell you to get you to adopt a dog. Kelly was said to have lived with an elderly lady who died. Well, if that's true, I'm pretty sure I know what she died of - starvation - after kelly stole all her food. I just know he knows he's not loved by one of the two people in the family so I'm trying to give him some extra love and I have earned a friendship = but not enough to make a dent in the food stealing. I love the little guy. How sad is it that a dog has to live in a place where he's not loved? Where he's actively disliked?

Thank you so much for looking out of your own terrible sorrow and thinking of my little Kelly.

God bless you, CtitzyJ

So tired...

So, I'm guessing exhaustion is normal in the grieving process, but holy cow! I have cried every day for the past 17 days and although it hasn't been as uncontrollable as in the early days after Joe and Steve died, I'm so tired... all the time. Trying to make a conscious effort to eat, drink water, exercise. I have to force myself to do all three (and believe me, eating has never been a problem for me in the past!). People tell me I look great. "Wow, you look so thin!" Yea, well, whatever...

Weird things set me off these days. A pair of my husband's black boots was sitting on the deck last week. When I would see them with my peripheral vision, I would think it was Joe sitting there. Today, I took plastic grocery bags and stuffed them into a box in the pantry. We always used them for cleaning out the litter box. It occurred to me I had no reason to save them and then for the next hour I had this horrible knot in my chest. Ugh! I HATE this!

The world just keeps going and I'm in a fog. I pull myself out of it for a bit to function and then... SLAM! It's back again. I've actually been doing a good job of grieving. I have allowed myself time to process, time to cry, time to talk to my kitties, time to look at their pictures. I'm okay with this. I'm probably grieving better than I ever have with the loss of fur-babies in the past. I have decided that embracing grief is the only way through it. I feel like I am honoring them well. What I'm finding, though, is how difficult it is to get through those times when it isn't appropriate to grieve. We have guest in town this weekend and so I'm holding it together, but the knot in my chest keeps growing. Can't wait until Monday when I can let it all out again.

CritzyJ

CritzyJ -

I can so empathize when you say this whole grieving experience is exhausting. Our Scarlett passed a month and a half ago. I'm seeming okay one moment and then the next bam out of nowhere I'm wailing away. Last night I cried and wailed for over a half hour, my husband could only come and put his arms around me, there was no stopping the tears. In those times that are not appropriate to outwardly grieve all I can do is breathe - but its so, so hard not to break down and sob. I share this with you so you know you are not alone.

Hi, CritzyJ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me add my reassurance to you that what you going through is very normal deep grief. Grieving is both emotional and physical, and the physical symptoms you are experiencing - - inability to concentrate, living in a fog, uncontrollable emotions, lack of appetite, etc., - - are all a part of the physical symptoms of grieving. It is good that you are keeping yourself nourished and hydrated as best as you feel up to it, for you can easily become dehydrated during the grieving process which can lead to needing emergency medical treatment.

It is hard keeping what I call the "public face" on when you feel the grief emotions swell and all you want to do is just cry or scream or crumple onto the floor. I remember so well the driving into work and sobbing - - gut wrenching sobbing, and being thankful for the privacy of the restroom where I could retreat to gain some measure of control over myself so that I could go back to my desk to resume my work. And then when I got into my car to drive home the floodgates of sobbing would burst open. You are right when you share with us "I have decided that embracing grief is the only way through it." I promise you it will not always be this way, but until the minutes, hours, days, weeks are easier for you please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, CritzyJ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Joe's and Steve's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I didn't cry for two days. Then yesterday it just hit me so hard that they are never coming back. I can remember them. I can memorialize them in every imaginable way. I can think of them, talk to them, but they are never coming back.

I found this quote today:

"Going through grief is like going through a tunnel. The bad news is the tunnel is dark. The good news is that once you enter into that tunnel, you are already on your way out."

Tomorrow will be one month since Joe and Steve left. There is still no light I can see at the end of the tunnel, but I suppose there is comfort in knowing that it is there, somewhere.

Hi, CritzyJ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing the quote about the grief journey tunnel. How so very true indeed.

Today is your and your beloved Steve's and Joe's one month angel-versary. I know so very well during these hours, days, weeks how nothing really seems real - - the things that brought joy into our lives and seemed important now seem meaningless - lifeless. Unfortunately there is no easy way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, CritzyJ - - there are no fast forward or delete buttons to press to speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. Hopefully knowing you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief journey.

I hope today is treating you kindly, CritzyJ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Joe's and Steve's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, CritzyJ, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Memorial to Joe and Steve...

I had two stones engraved for my kitties to put in my garden, along with little engraved paw print stones. They arrived over the weekend, but it has been raining for the past four days and I had envisioned placing the stones in the garden on a sunny day. It rained all day today, but this afternoon there was a break and the sun poked through. It was the perfect time.

Paw prints in the garden, which once were real and now are there in spirit. Soon they will be covered in snow, but when spring comes, they will show themselves again and I imagine I'll be in a much different place by then. A place where I can smile when I think of them instead of cry.

I am better than I was four weeks ago. No less sad, but I am truly grateful for the long years we spent together. Their presence still lives in every corner of every room in my house and always will. I miss you, my beautiful boys.

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Hi, CritzyJ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and these wonderful pictures of your beloved Steve's and Joe's garden pawprints. Such a beautiful way to honor the enduring eternal love you and your beloved boys share.

There will be many ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds as you travel your grief adjustment journey, CritzyJ, and I hope you will know we are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step you take.

I hope today is treating you kindly, CritzyJ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Joe's and Steve's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Critzy,

What a beautiful way to memorialize Joe and Steve. Having them in your arms would be so much better than the necklace and stones, I know, but what a great testament to the love you've shared with each other... what a wonderful way to celebrate them. And the thought of the Spring thaw revealing them again brought tears to my eyes. This process is so very hard. Fumbling with words at the moment but just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and hope you are having a peaceful, restful night.

So, I've been praying that I would see Joe and Steve in my dreams. Nothing for four weeks until last night. I woke up yesterday with a cold, and decided to sleep in the guest room so my husband wouldn't be bothered by my coughing. The boys used to sleep on that bed for their mid-day nap.

Anyway, there they were in my dream. Both of them laying side by side. I was so excited in my dream. The most surprising thing, though, was that my cat, Jake, was there, too. He died 13 years ago when Steve was 2 and Joe was 7. Jake was standing on the bed with his paws on the windowsill, looking out. He turned and looked over his shoulder and just locked eyes with me for a few minutes while Joe and Steve laid there with their backs to the window. Then Jake looked out the window again as if to say, "Come on, guys, it's time to go."

It's such a nice thought, the three of them together again somewhere. Joe and Steve wanting to take a nap in their old house and Jake leading the way to their new home.

CritzyJ,

Wow, what a beautiful dream. I've been praying to see Scarlett in my dreams too - haven't had that yet but could have sworn I heard her walking around in our living room. Yesterday I heard what sounded like her nails on the the floor. Made me so happy.

Sorry to hear you are sick - sending healing energy your way.

Hi, CritzyJ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing the wonderful dream you had of your beloved Joe, Steve, and Jake. I am so glad you found it to be comforting, and hope this will be the first of many more dreams of your beloved companions.

I hope today is treating you kindly, CritzyJ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Joe's and Steve's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moon Beam,

Just wanted to say thank you for all the wonderful, comforting, and consistent replies you have posted to me and so many others over the past weeks. You have such a caring soul and this site has been a big part of my healing process.

CritzyJ

Oh, the waves of grief are insufferable! I was feeling so good today. Wanting to encourage everyone. My mother's brother is within days, weeks of passing and I'm giving all this great advice on how to grieve. Not feeling like I'm past it all, myself, but feeling like I'm doing okay. Then this evening, I was slammed again. I saw my kitties in a dream the other night and felt like maybe this had given me a great moment of closure. Wrong! I'm just hit with the depth of this sorrow. I look at my two remaining puppies and wonder when their time is coming. It's all so sad.

We, the lovers of furry ones, accept the relatively short nature of their lives. And, in addition to this, we accept all those people who don't quite understand how much we love them. "Well, it's not like losing a child." (I heard this in the last week.) It's like a knife in the heart because for me it IS losing a child (two children, for me).

And the journey continues...

CritzyJ

CritzyJ,

As you know I heard that same horrible sentence from my Aunt - "it's not like losing a child" and when she said it I felt a searing pain in my heart. So sorry you had to endure this as well. They do not understand. I haven't spoken to my Aunt since but when we do talk next I'm not going to address it with her because she just won't understand and I need to conserve my energy.

Someone recently pointed out to me that when it comes to our furry ones: "we live in THEIR lives, they don't live in ours" - I never thought of it that way and felt it was a good change of perspective for me and my husband, wanted to share it with you.

I am very skeptical of this grief process - I feel like a child learning to walk - and just as I start to feel somewhat confident and steady I fall to the ground once again.

Keeping you in my thoughts - hope today is a good day for you...

Hi, CritzyJ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. While clinical professionals recognize that the physical loss of a beloved companion is as painful as, if not more so, as the physical loss of a human family member or friend - - and that the grief journey is identical to the physical loss of a human family member or friend -- sadly our society in general does not and unfortunately this can include the people who are closest to us emotionally and geographically. I add my sincerest sorrow to Scarlett's Mom that you had to endure the very painful and insensitive comment "it's not like losing a child". How wrong they are!!! I know how upsetting this is as I have experienced the same thing from most of my family members - - so I limit what I share with them for my emotional self-preservation.

CritzyJ, this grief adjustment journey - - particularly during the deep grief - - has many twists and turns, ups and downs, and turnarounds. Just when we think we are past the "worst" - - something can happen - - a song, a memory, etc., - - that can find us feeling like we are once again back into the depths of sorrow. The encouraging news is that eventually the intensity of these episodes will ease - - and they will become briefer in nature. Even 20 years down the road you may find yourself thinking of your beloved Steve and Joe and feel a mist come to your eyes and a quiver to your chin - - but I promise you it will not be devastating as it is now. As Scarlett's Mom has so appropriately described - - during the deep grief each of us are "toddlers" learning how to walk in our daily lives without the precious physical presence of our beloved companions. The good news is that none of us are learning how to walk again alone - - for we have the comfort, support, encouragement, and hope of others here in this wonderful forum to sustain us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, CritzyJ, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Joe's and Steve's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moon Beam,

You are so right about misting up over our lost pets years after they are gone. My cat, Jake, who I mentioned was in my dream the other night with Joe and Steve died 13 years ago. His sudden passing caught me off-guard and I cried and cried for him, but he never came to me in a dream. It's been years since I've cried over him, so when I saw him in my dream a few days ago, while excited to see him with my other kitties, I cried over him again, too. Just seeing him so vividly made me remember how much I have missed him, how much I loved him, and how much I had lost. In fact, in grieving over Joe and Steve I was worried I would lose touch with them as I had felt had happened with Jake. But seeing him in that dream and sensing him so vividly helped me to realize that Joe and Steve will live on in my heart just as Jake has all these years.

CritzyJ

Scarlett's Mom,

So, I've been contemplating what you said about how we live in our pets' lives, rather than them living in ours. Never thought about it that way before. It makes me think of a few things. First, it shows how significant we are to them (and they to us) because their world is in our homes, essentially, and we leave and come back, leave and come back. No wonder they're so delighted when we come home. It also makes me think about how others don't really understand how much our babies mean to us. Primarily, our relationship with them happens "behind closed doors." They don't regularly see the love we share with them, see us act silly with them, hear the silly voices we use when talking to them. So, it stands to reason they wouldn't quite understand. Like you, with your aunt, I realize it's not worth trying to make them understand. We're all low on energy dealing with loss as it is.

I'm reminded of a favorite children's book of mine by Tomie dePaola called Now One Foot, Now the Other. And that's it for us right now, one step at a time. So, as you said in a previous post... here's to us finding the light at the end of the tunnel, but also here's to us learning how to walk again.

Now one foot, now the other...

CritzyJ

I read a cool quote today that I thought I would share:

"What you are doing in the process of grieving for your lost loved one is also grieving for the lost you. You are no longer the person you were, and what’s more, you never will be again."

I've been thinking about that a lot. Not that my whole identity was wrapped up in my kitties, but I was their mom and now I'm not and that has left a hole in my life. I'm still the mom of two sweet dogs, but each has it's own special place in my heart and each plays a role in my life and has such a strong presence in our house and in our family. Sometimes I sit and think and realize I'm not feeling particularly sad at the moment, but just not feeling quite "right." So, I think that quote is quite true. It's a lot about grieving the loss of Joe and Steve, but it's also about grieving the loss of a part of me. A part of me I'll never have again.

That said, every wound leaves a scar and I welcome the scar my kitties will leave on my heart as I heal. Scars always leave us with memories and stories to tell. They stay with us forever and so this scar left by the love and loss of my sweet boys will remind me of them always.

Hi, CritzyJ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing the quote you found. Indeed, there is a part of you missing - - a part of you that belongs only to Steve and Joe - - which they took with them when they joined the angels - - as they have left a part of themselves indelibly imprinted on your heart and life. One analogy that may help is thinking of the "broken heart" pendant - - you are holding the piece of the pendant that belongs to Joe and Steve - - and they are holding the piece of the pendant that belongs to you. When it is your appropriate time to join them in eternal joy, this pendant will be permanently reunited when they greet you in heaven's perfect garden. For now, though, you are their living legacy of their earthly journey - - and we are blessed to have the privilege of sharing their "eternal flame" of remembrance through your treasured memories of them.

I hope today is treating you kindly, CritzyJ, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steve's and Joe's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, CritzyJ, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

That quote is so accurate. We are definitely not the same. We are all forever changed by our furry ones. What a great testament to their lives, right?
I would always call Scarlett "my little guru." We learned so much from her short life and continue to do so with her passing.

Today's been a rough day for me... just stopped by to say that reading the quote you posted helped.

Left foot, right foot... breathe....

Steve sightings...

So the last few days, I keep thinking I'm seeing Steve in different places. Last night as my nephew was leaving the house, I went to flip on the front porch light and the dark shadow my arm made on the floor made me do a double take. Thought Steve was trying to slip out the front door (as he always did). Then today, there was a separation in the leaves of the raspberry bush in the backyard. The dark opening looked like him crouching under the leaves. (Not very realistic, though, since it's raining and he hated being in the rain.) Anyway, just makes my heart hurt a little bit. I miss that little adventurer. And Joe, too, who I think I see almost daily sitting on his favorite chair. Thought I felt his little feet walking at the end of the bed last night, too.

On a rainy day like today, they would both be here in the living room with me, snuggling on my lap and keeping me from typing. Oh, how I miss that.

Critzy J

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Hi CritzyJ -
Just saw your post to Russ and me. Thanks for the reassurance that it'll get better. I have had a similar experience to yours of feeling like I've grieved well...and now Vienna should be here. Like she's just gone to visit someplace. The hard part...and I guess the acceptance piece...is knowing they're not coming back. I'm a little too &%^ytical to have had thoughts of Vienna literally coming back from the dead (or maybe I've seen too many horror movies). But I guess I'm hoping that time reverses itself or that this just never happened. Which isnt &%^ytical at all now that i think of it. Anyway, it's good to know I'm not the only one who has these types of thoughts and feelings.

Also, I know what you mean about those moments where you thought you saw Steve. Vienna had a habit of popping up and putting her paws on the chair if I wasn't paying attention or had fallen asleep. I could've sworn I felt her jump on the chair the other day while I was watching TV. I kind of like the idea that it's their way of letting us know they're still here for us.

I hope things continue to get better for you. And thanks again for your comments. I always find comfort and learn things from others on here. And although I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it's nice to have others who understand and care about how hard this is.

Take care, Tara

Hi, CrtizyJ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and these wonderful pictures. One of the most difficult adjustments we have to make during this grief journey is to the physical absence of our beloved companions. Still, in their own way their sweet Living Spirits find a way to let us know they are still close to us - - still very much a part of our daily lives - - proving once again that love is eternal.

So I hope you will enjoy your beloved Steve's and Joe's sweet Living Spirit visits. There may come a time when they may not be as frequent or as noticeable - - but I assure you, CritzyJ, they are always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, CritzyJ, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steve's and Joe's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, CritzyJ, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi CritzyJ -
Thanks so much for your post about Vienna. Your comment about grieving who we were with our loved one has resonated deeply for me. I keep thinking of it throughout the day when I feel sad. It's so true. I may have already said this but I'm afraid I won't ever be content again in the way I was with Vienna. That quote helps explain why I feel that so strongly.

I thought of you many times today because its been rainy here. You mentioned how the rain made you miss Joe and Steve. I had no idea that there would be such a strong association for me between Vienna and the rain as well. But she used to get scared during storms...not bad...but she'd be kind of skittish. I hadn't realized how protective I felt of her and how much I tried to give her extra attention when it stormed. The rain today reminded me how much I cared about her and her comfort. That loss of something to protect and share the experience with has bothered me all day. So I can see how you'd also miss the opportunity to share the experience with Joe and Steve.

I've had a really tough evening after a surprisingly good day. I guess it's one step up, two steps back right now. Hopefully we'll both get to full speed ahead someday soon. Thanks again for your support and kind words. It makes a huge difference at a time when it feels like nothing can help.

Tara

Hi CritzyJ,

Thank you for checking in on me reading your comments and those from others is the only way I've been staying sane during this mourning process. I just read this post and was struck by how similar our experiences have been.

We haven't had a rainy day here since our Scarlett passed but I'm dreading that too. I had to put on a rain coat for her because he hated the rain so much - she didn't like getting wet BUT what she did like was when we got back home I would get the hair dryer out and comb her out and dry her wet fur... OH did she love to be pampered, she absolutely loved every moment of that.

Wanted to share another Scarlett experience with you:

Just the other day - it was two months to the day that Scarlett passed - I could have sworn my husband was carrying her down the stairs. He would do that sometimes... it was what a shock to my system, day's before I swear I could see her from the corner of my eye but that day it was as if he was carrying her. Then later that night - my best friend came over to the house to lend her support and she also brought her furry baby Cody. My husband was home too and we were all hanging out in the living room. My husband was on a leather chair on one side of the room and me, Cody and my best friend were on the other side, sitting on the couch. Cody was laying on his mom's lap sleeping and out of nowhere he sat up, jumped down from the couch and b - lined it to my husbands chair. Cody jumped onto my husbands lap, then made his way to his chest, put a paw on either side of his neck and started to lick him non-stop. The thing is Cody has NEVER done any of this behavior before, we've known him for years now, we have watched him at our home when my friend had to go out of town and he has never done anything like this before. My best friend was in shock because she's never seen him do this before either - we all sat there stunned and sobbing because there was only one furry one that did do this behavior - this is the exact same thing Scarlett would do to my husband. My husband then told us that when Cody jumped down from the couch he said that Cody's eyes looked like Scarlett's eyes... how amazing is that. We are still stunned by this... we were given a little more time with Scarlett through this experience, and given more proof that her sweet soul is still with us.

What we all wouldn't do to have our furry one's with us, snuggling up to us just one more time, right? I truly believe this is what Joe and Steve are doing for you... with all the signs you've been getting they are showing you that they are still with you as well.

I hope you are having a good day... and love the photo of Joe and Steve... what handsome boys they are.

Hi, CritzyJ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I read in your response to Scarlett's Mom and Dad about your precious Vanessa: "My biggest fear right now is with my dog, Vanessa. She will be 13 in January and has always had elevated liver enzymes. Just found out last week that they have now skyrocketed. High-normal level is 200 and she is at 2800! No other signs of illness, though, so the vet just wants to support her liver with some kind of supplement (I'm picking that up today). I try to just enjoy every day I have with her, rather than living in fear that I will go through all this again in the near future."

CritzyJ, I do soooooo understand from first hand experience how you're feeling, as I have been there with my beloved canine companion Oslo and my beloved beautiful baby kitty girl Abbygayle - - who joined the angels within 4 months of each other - - Oslo at 15 years and 2 weeks due to a sudden stroke and Abbygayle at 6 years and 10 months of age from end stage Fibrosarcoma. I hope and pray your veternary practitioner will be able to help your precious Vanessa with her liver levels, and please let us know how she's doing. And please know your beloved Joe and Steve are keeping a loving vigil over their sister.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Vanessa kindly, CritzyJ, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steve's and Joe's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your precious Vanessa are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks, Moon Beam, for your kind words about Vanessa. We'll just take each day as it comes!

CritzyJ

CritzyJ,

I am so very sorry to hear about Vanessa's elevated liver enzymes. I can't imagine what you are going through - dealing with her health on top of your grieving for Joe and Steve... has to be difficult. I pray that the supplements bring Vanessa's levels back down to normal. Let me know about her progress.

I also pray that you keep your strength up and please trust that Vanessa will be well.

Sending you healing thoughts and energy.

Dear Jennifer,

I'm so sorry for your loss of your two handsome boys.
Thank you for your kind reply to my post and for the quote you shared, which rings so true with me. I know I definitely am no longer the person I was before losing my baby, though I'm not quite sure who I am right now or who this new person is. We lose such a big piece of our hearts when they leave, but I tell myself that it's not really lost, it's in their safekeeping, until we can meet again.
Hugs, I'll be keeping you and Vanessa in my prayers.