Two weeks ago today my world was changed forever. It seems as though the pain will never ease. I'm desperate for some relief, but also want to hold on to the vivid memories. Is it possible to have both? The memories without the awful pain and loneliness? At this point, no. I pray it will get easier. Right now it feels like it's getting harder.

Yesterday I had some repair work done on my car and needed a ride from my husband. As I waited in front of the dealership, it occurred to me that he will never come to pick me up with Wolfie in the car again, that I'll never see his smiling face in the back of the car. I began sobbing, standing there on the side of the road, raw with grief. The hits just keep coming; weekends are especially hard. Being at home is both comforting and so very painful. Memories everywhere, reminders that he is gone (at least physically). I do think Wolfie has visited, like when I could swear I felt him come through the door when my husband opened it, or when I was planting flowers for Wolfie yesterday, and it seemed as though the sun was a spotlight, shining right on me.

I try to do things that will help. Planted daffodils in his memory. Ordered a journal to record anything and everything. Posting here and reading the supportive replies. Knowing that people here understand all too well makes me feel less alone. I try to remember that this is a roller coaster, and that it will take time, but I get scared when a new day brings new lows.



Missing you every second of every minute, every minute of every hour, and every hour of every day, my sweet Wolfie.

Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. My heart aches with yours as you travel your grief adjustment journey. I do so understand how you're feeling when you share with us: "Being at home is both comforting and so very painful. Memories everywhere, reminders that he is gone (at least physically). I get scared when a new day brings new lows."

Right now, Kelly, this deep grief sorrow does seem like it will never end - - like the minutes, hours, days will not get better. Please let me try to offer you reassurance that one day when you least expect it you WILL find that the deep sorrow in your heart is not quite so painful - - not quite so unbearable. One day when you least expect it you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Wolfie and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - even though there may still be a mist come to your eyes.

Things that used to bring enjoyment to our lives now seem empty - - meaningless - - without purpose during the very deep grief. Life continues - - bills get paid, groceries are purchased (which is also a painful reminder when you no longer need to get that special treat or food or toy), laundry gets done, jobs get done - - but it feels like life is on what I call "automatic pilot." This is our mind's and body's natural "survival mechanism" to help us endure through the very deep grief for however long we need this protection.

It is also very natural that as the holidays approach you may find your deep sorrow intensify. Please let me try to offer you reassurance that this, too, is very normal. What is supposed to be the "most wonderful time of the year" can in reality be the "most horrible time of the year" when your heart is breaking with sorrow. With all the flurry of activity and social gatherings it is important that you give yourself the private time you need to still grieve for your beloved Wolfie.

And once again I promise you, Kelly, that one day you WILL find that the deep pain in your heart is not so overwhelming. And you WILL be able to once again greet the day with a happy heart.

But until this time comes for you, Kelly, please know each of us are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of your grief adjustment journey. We are here to share the difficult days, the not so bad days, and the days when you feel like your heart can no longer bear the deep seering pain of sorrow and loss. By our individual selves this grief journey would be more than any of us could handle. Together we can find the strength and encouragement to endure one more minute, one more hour, one more day.

Kelly, I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Kelly! Wolfe was a beautiful boy! I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my Silas unexpectantly at the age of 5. I went to a family reunion out of town. I left him in great hands but less than 18 hous after I said goodbye for what I thought was the weekend....he was gone. My husband and son laid him to rest before they told me. He passed while I was at the reunion and my guys didn't want to tell me at that time. had I known I would have requested a necropsy. I blame nobody but because of the circumstances (no one was home when Silas passed) I will never know what happened. I can only guess. I can't believe he's gone....not even 4 months later! I've wished many, many times that I would have spent more time saying goodbye. I was only going for 48 hours! I was running behind on getting on the road so my goodbye was brief. I wish I had skipped the reunion. I'm still devistated! Still cry everyday. Last week I had to let my 14+ year old basset hound go. Also devastating but he wasn't young. I knew it was coming. Still hard...but not as hard as loosing a seemingly vibrant, healthy & young puppy dog. Know that because you loved Wolfie so much....you did everything in you power for him. Wolfie knew he was loved.

Warmest regards,

Treebyrd

Moon_beam,
Thank you so much once again for your extremely kind and comforting words. I am so grateful for your guidance and insight; your support has helped ease my fears and worries. Yes, automatic pilot is what's helping me put one foot in front of the other right now. I do have faith that the intense pain and shock will lessen and that love is stronger than anything else.

I hope you are well, and that you are experiencing the peace and comfort that you bring to so many others.

With gratitude,
Kelly

Hi Treebyrd,
Thank you so much for your very kind words. Wolfie definitely did know he was loved. I'm trying to focus now on that more than anything else. It's hard sometimes, but I try.
I'm so sorry about Silas and your Bassett hound; my heart goes out to you. To lose Silas so unexpectedly is so heartbreaking and devastatingly sad. It's so hard to feel cheated out of a goodbye, out of years spent loving a cherished family member well into old age. I think focusing on the love helps, at least eventually. I'm sure Silas and your Bassett Hound know how incredibly loved they are, and they're watching over you, loving you right back. That is something that can never be taken away.

Hugs to you,
Kelly

Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Love is a growing, thriving, living presence in our lives - - whether or not we are physically with the ones we love - - whoever the life form. Even though it may not feel like it right now, Kelly, I promise you the love bond you and your beloved Wolfie will be as strong - - if not stronger - - 50 years from now as it is at this moment in time. I promise you, Kelly, that nothing in heaven or on earth can ever diminish the eternal love you and your beloved Wolfie share.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Kelly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you so much, moon_beam. Every single word of your replies is so comforting, and I do believe in everything you write. I'm finding that I need to be patient and accept that this is a huge adjustment, and that it is going to take time. A lifetime, in fact.

I hope you and Noah had a wonderful weekend.

Best wishes always,
Kelly

Tomorrow will be three weeks since Wolfie died. The weekends are the hardest, as I have more time on my hands, and because I relive the events of the weekend I took Wolfie to the hospital, and when life as I know it began to suddenly unravel.

I know grieving is hard work, but I'm starting to feel tired and worn down. I feel worse lately, and am trying not to panic and think that the grief will never ease. Lately, it does feel like this darkness that casts a shadow over my life will never fully lift.
I sometimes feel consumed by the pain, especially when I notice that I had a brief moment or two, when at work or when I force myself to keep plans with friends, where I can catch my breath before I go under again.

Certain emotions that I thought I had begun to resolve have popped up again. I thought I was getting over the guilt, but it's back with a vengeance. I thought I had begun to heal from the circumstances of his death, but I find that I am bitter about the fact that he died before old age. We were only able to love Wolfie for four of his approx 6 years on this earth. We weren't able to give him the gift of passing at home, with us by his side holding him and reassuring him, telling him how much we love him, and thanking him for coming into our lives and for being the sweetest, most loving dog. The last face he saw was a stranger's. He passed on a cold operating table. It's not fair. He deserved so much more.

I'm angry that just as life begins to settle down and make some sense, tragedy and trauma strike. Again and again now, it seems. I'm having great difficulty with remembering the positive, as hard as I try.

I hope my words don't offend anyone. Please know that I don't mean to say that having to decide to help ease a beloved pet's suffering is any easier; I just wish we could have been there when Wolfie passed. While I know we are so blessed to have had him in our lives for any amount of time, and that others have gone through far worse, the pain I'm feeling over the way he went is really getting to me. How do I honor that pain and then begin to put it behind me?

Keeping all of you in my thoughts tonight, and wishing all of you peace.

-Kelly

Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please permit me to try to offer you some words of comfort and encouragement.

Kelly, three weeks is hardly any sufficient time for you to even begin to think that the deep sorrow of your grief journey "should be" easing. In fact it is right about now that your heart and mind begin the process of both emotionally and intellectually understanding the depth of the sorrow you are rightfully experiencing in the physical absence of your beloved Wolfie. Clinical professionals universally recognize that the first year of our grief journey is extremely difficult because our minds and bodies and hearts are undergoing a tremendous physical and emotional adjustment. One of our forum correspondents summed up the adjustment journey very well in one of her topics titled, "just when I think I'm doing okay . . . ".

Our grief adjustment journey is not a straight line by any stretch of the imagination - - it is more like a graphic chart of the stock market - - many ups and downs -- some small and some very drastic. But I promise you, Kelly, that one day when you least expect it you will begin to find yourself in a calmer, more stable place where you can think of your beloved Wolfie and will notice that the sorrow in your heart has eased. You WILL come to a time when one day is better and then the next and the next - - and you will begin to find a new stability in your life. But it is just going to take time for you to come to this place in your grief adjustment journey.

Many years ago I experienced a very life changing traumatic event. During the early adjustment journey for me in trying to put my life back together as best as I could there were people around me who were telling me "it could have been worse." This was insulting to me because they failed to acknowledge the depth of my sorrow and the permanent effects the traumatic event already had on my life. So please do NOT measure your grief by what others may be or are going through, Kelly. YOU have a right to your feelings, and you have a right to have your feelings validated and comforted. Anyone who does not understand this needs to step back from you right now so that you can be surrounded by others who DO understand and are able to offer you the comfort, support, encouragement, and hope you need as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

You ask a universal question in times of great sorrow: "How do I honor that pain and then begin to put it behind me?" First I want to tell you that you will probably never entirely put the sorrow of losing your beloved Wolfie's physical presence behind you. This "theory" of "moving on" and "closure" was developed when professional counselors in this country initially began talking and writing about the stages of grief as hospice care began to be offered. These words conjure up the fears of "forgetting" our loved ones - - whoever the life form -- and I assure you, Kelly, that you will NEVER forget your beloved Wolfie. This grief journey is one of ADJUSTMENT to the physical absence of your beloved Wolfie.

Your goal is about honoring your beloved Wolfie as you continue on with your earthly journey - - not the pain of losing his physical presence. And the reality is you are already honoring him by enduring each day to the best of your ability right now - - and will continue to honor him as the deep sorrow of not having his sweet precious physical presence begins to ease - - BECAUSE you will ALWAYS have his sweet Living Spirit with you in your heart and your memories - - your beloved Wolfie is ALWAYS and FOREVER a heartbeat close to you.

Kelly, I wish there were some miraculous words I could say to you that would make the nightmare of your grief journey disappear - - that would take the horrible pain and sorrow from your heart. But I do not have that power. I can only hope that the words I share with you offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep sorrow - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. I promise you, Kelly, that eventually the deep seering pain in your heart will ease and life will once again hold promise for you - - it is just going to take time for you to come to this place in your journey - - with the comforting knowledge that you are NOT alone - - for each of us are here with you, for you, and beside you through every step of your journey.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Kelly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi moon_beam,
Thank you so very much for your kind words and thoughts. You are so right-we have a right to honor our own experiences and grief without comparing to anyone else. Thank you. I feel so blessed to have found this forum and people who understand.
I hope you and Noah are doing well. Keeping you in my thoughts.

Many thanks,
Kelly

Today is four weeks. Four weeks-I can't believe how time somehow goes by. I pray for the strength to get through each day, and then as the days turn into weeks, I become more and more sad about the passing of time and the growing distance between Wolfie's last day on earth and the present. I know our bond is everlasting, and that he is in my heart for all time, but it hurts so badly to think of how much time has gone by. I'm starting to feel the need to do more to actively honor his life and look at photos more often. As crushingly painful as it is, looking at pictures sometimes helps, makes me feel closer to him. I haven't been able to write in my pet loss journal yet, but want to start.
Thanksgiving was rough. We spent the weekend with relatives, at my aunt's family vacation home. A cherished place became a source of pain as we mourned the recent loss of my uncle as well as the loss of Wolfie, and dealing with so much loss and change was surreal. So many firsts and reminders-the first car ride without him, and driving past all our usual Wolfie pit stops, constantly looking out into the yard he played in just a few months ago, remembering all the places in the house where he loved to curl up and sleep, and seeing the confusion on my aunt's dog's face when we walked in without Wolfie. The pain weighed on me all weekend.
Had to almost literally drag myself to work today. So many work pressures and deadlines, and I honestly don't want any part of it. The weight of the grief is just about all I can handle right now.

Missing you with all my heart and soul, Wolfie, throughout every minute of every day. You are my sunshine. Thank you for everything.

Kelly,

No words will come close to easing your pain, I have found and currently do find a bizarre solace in knowing I am not alone in my extreme grief and pain, that there are people like me all across the globe suffering in the same way I am. I would never wish this pain of my worst enemy, but knowing I am not alone and I can share without fear of repercussion or judgement is a vital part of healing.

If you are anything like me the word 'healing' and 'get over' burned me like acid, you don't want to get through this, you don't want to get over it .... But you do get through it .. And one day, and no one knows when, there is not date or time, but one day you will be sitting somewhere in the sun and Wolfie will come to you and you will smile instead of cry, you will speak of him with immense pride and love and no tears will pass.

But until that time, be kind to yourself, surround yourself with kind hearted folks who will provide you with support and space to grieve your loss.

I find silence helps me at work, I too had to go back in to work too quickly, I have started finding quite places to regain composure and my lovely colleagues have kindly not asked "how are you?" Knowing it is a bloody redundant question.

There are some great people on this site, many of whom have unfortunately experienced your overwhelming pain, sometimes more than once, we are all here for you, pour your heart out, tell us all the most amazing stories of Wolfie, make us laugh, make us cry, we are your wailing wall.

Take care

Cryss
Mum to Sassy, Evie and Jedi all angels

Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I, too, share your heart-filled sorrow and pain as you continue your grief adjustment journey to the physical absence of your beloved Wolfie. Sassy has shared with you what is in my heart - - I cannot say it any better. So as you read her response, please know that her words of comfort are shared by me as well.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Kelly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Cryss,
Thank you so very much for your reply. I so appreciate your support and kind words. Yes, I am so sad for everyone's losses and pain, but am so glad to be able to share my feelings and sorrows with people who get it. I hope to learn more about your precious Sassy, Evie, and Jedi as I share my Wolfie stories.

While the simple words 'thank you' don't really express my gratitude fully, I don't know what else to write but that...THANK YOU.

-Kelly

Dear moon_beam,

Thank you so very much for your kind words. Your ongoing support has helped me so much, and has given me hope in my darkest hours. I know I need to be patient and gentle with myself, or at least I need to try to be.
You are an exceptional human being, and I am eternally grateful for you and all the kind people here.

Warmest regards,
Kelly

Six weeks and two days. I can't believe how quickly time is going by. The distance between the present and when he was living with us is ever increasing. Now I do think about how I am also getting that much closer to the day when I will see him again. Don't get me wrong, I will complete my journey here and do the best I can to be a good person and live a meaningful life, but I look forward to seeing my sweet angel and other loved ones when it's my time.
It's becoming a little easier to focus on the love and not be as consumed by the pain, but there are still so many days where the grief is overwhelming and I still can't believe Wolfie's gone. It's still so surreal so much of the time. I have yet to start journaling and figuring out exactly how we're going to honor his life and amazing spirit. I'm thinking a tree and a stone marker of some sort. Daffodils. A donation to the shelter where Wolfie spent five long months before we adopted him. I think the pressures of life and possibly me needing to just be with my grief for awhile have prevented me from doing all that. I will get to it in time.
I talk to Wolfie a lot. It helps some. I feel him with me. I do. I just wish he were here. That wishing will never go away.

On Friday, I'm going to meet an 11-year-old dog who is in need of a home. Her story was posted on facebook by one of the out of state rescues I follow. She looks so much like Wolfie it took my breath away. When I found out she was only 15 min away, my husband and I decided we had to at least offer to foster her. I'm a little afraid of meeting her and it being painful, but I want to help this poor girl. Funny, her name is Biscuit, and at first I didn't think anything of it, but soon after I realized that the night before I saw her post, I was thinking about how I was craving biscuits and how I would probably make some soon. Not a typical thing for me to make. So, I decided it was a sign from Wolfie, and while I'm nervous that it may be too soon, I feel that if she's meant to be with us, it'll work out.

Wolfie, we are loving you and missing you every minute of every day, sweet boy.

Thinking of all of you and wishing you peace.

-Kelly

Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I am glad to know you are beginning to find it "a little easier to focus on the love and not be as consumed by the pain, but there are still so many days where the grief is overwhelming and I still can't believe Wolfie's gone. " Kelly, please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal grief. This grief adjustment journey is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride with many ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds. One of our forum correspondents has a topic titled "just when I think I'm beginning to feel okay . . . " She talks about how the grief even months down the road can be overwhelming - - particularly when she is now least expecting it after several months into her grief adjustment journey. There is a part of you that will always miss your beloved Wolfie's sweet precious physical presence with you - - even years down the road. The good news is that as time progresses you will find yourself more and more able to "focus on the love" you and your beloved Wolfie share - - which is eternal.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers as you and your husband go to visit with Biscuit. You can always begin with fostering her - - if you feel comfortable doing that at this point in time. The decision to adopt will come in time - - at the right time - - be it with Biscuit or with another waif later on. The same is true about beginning your journaling and honoring your beloved Wolfie. All of your suggestions sound wonderful: "a tree and a stone marker of some sort. Daffodils. A donation to the shelter where Wolfie spent five long months before we adopted him." Perhaps you can find a combination of ways that you can honor your beloved Wolfie - - in time you will know what and how you want to do.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Kelly, and that you and your husband will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing and to sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Wolfie. And please let us know how things go with Biscuit.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Six months today. I cannot believe it's been six months. Time somehow goes by, and life somehow continues. I miss Wolfie so much, and think of him every day. The pain is still overwhelming at times. I'm trying to figure out answers to questions like Where is Wolfie now? Can he somehow still feel my love? Is his spirit still here, or has that passed on as well? I struggle with his physical absence and the unknowns/questions. Questions whose answers I guess everyone has to decide for themselves. I guess you could say I'm fortunate to have not experienced any significant losses up to this point in my life. Losing Wolfie has been by far the most traumatic and painful. I read a quote recently: "Dogs come into our lives to teach us about love, and they leave us to teach about loss." When I'm feeling particularly in need of making some sense out of this, one thought I have is that Wolfie is my ultimate teacher. Who better than the most precious of beings to teach me such an important lesson?

I also read that at some point it's important to let go, and it brought me immense pain. I take great comfort in picturing Wolfie being connected to me still, and in "talking" to him. To imagine giving that up is something I can't do. Maybe that's not even what the sentence means, but that's how I interpreted it.

Reading through all the posts from the fall brought back all the unimaginable grief and pain, but it also reminded me that the support on this site is truly incredible. I hope everyone here ultimately finds peace and some measure of comfort.

-Kelly

My husband and I are in the depths of grief over the loss of our furry baby Scarlett only 4 days ago. Reading your story helped a little as we have some similarities in common. We've been racked with guilt and are heartbroken. We keep repeating over and over why didn't we question the Vet more, why didn't we bring her in sooner, why, why, why's are the only thoughts swimming through our heads right now. Our Scarlett was mis-diagnosed, we were told she had pancreatitis even when we told the Vet she was dealing with recurring UTI's - I asked the Vet in the ER if they were linked he said "no" I asked if there was a mortality rate in this diagnosis and he said "no". We took our sweet baby home with an IV patch - the next day our baby showed no signs of improvement - we brought her back into the ER and a new doctor saw her this time - needless to say our sweet Scarlett did not have pancreatitis we are waiting for the results but the new Vet at the ER suspected it to be related to her UTI - I keep wondering if I'd okay'd an ultra-sound would that first doctor had changed his diagnosis? Would it have been in time - should we have taken her in sooner.... should... should... should's and why, why, why's are the only thoughts I have right now - that coupled with the incredible loss of our baby. My husband and I decided not to have children we loved our Scarlett so much - she was our child.

Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you were doing on your and your beloved Wolfie's 6 month angel-versary.

Please let me try to reassure you that you NEVER need to "let go" of your and your beloved Wolfie's eternal love bond. It is PERFECTLY OKAY for you to continue to talk to your beloved Wolfie for the rest of your earthly journey as you talked to him while you were sharing his earthly journey - - for the sound of your voice is forever a sweet sound to his ears as he continues to listen intently to every word you say. I promise you that your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know you and your beloved Wolfie will soon be commemorating your 9 month angel-versary. I hope life is treating you kindly, Kelly, and that your evenings are peaceful with your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Kelly, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam