I had to put one of my kitties to sleep on Thursday. Wicket would have been 7 next week. I found him and his brother Benny as kittens along with 3 others. They had been abandoned in a cardboard box on the side of a normally very busy road. I was a volunteer for a rescue and found homes for the other 3.

Wicket had his first urinary infection at about 1 year, didn't think much of it. He had one or two more over the next 3 years, all treated and back to normal. We changed his food, watched out for any symptoms. Then at about age 5 he had a kidney stone. He had surgery, he recovered. It was soon after that, we learned that Wicket only had one working kidney and not a very good one at that. The other kidney was not formed right, small and well - useless. I just knew something wasn't "right".

We started him on fluids, changed his food again, medications, etc. He seemed better, happy & playing but the numbers kept going up. In March he stayed at the vet for IV therapy for 4 days. We kept up the meds, fluids every day at home, etc. then in July, he decided he didn't want to eat. We added appetite stimulants, we begged, coerced, whatever to get him to eat. When he stopped drinking on his own we gave him water with a syringe. When he refused to eat I syringe fed him. He started to hide, he didn't want to walk to the box so I'd carry him.

Then Thursday he could no longer urinate, he could barely walk without having to stop every few steps. We ran back to the vet who felt that there was nothing to be done but help him go. He went very peacefully thank goodness and he passed in my arms.

Not only do I feel horribly sad at the loss of my kitty, not only do I miss him terribly, not only do I feel a gaping whole in my heart but I feel horrible guilt. Like I should have done more, like I didn't do enough. Like it was my job to protect him and I let them put him to sleep. I have 4 other cats and have never had to deal with this with one of my own pets. I feel such a crushing sadness, it's more terrible than I could ever have anticipated.

Thank you for reading and for this amazing forum.

Dear Petunia, I am so very sorry about the loss of your Wicket - please don't feel guilty, my Mischief cat was diagnosed with cancer a year before I lost her - the meds for the cancer ended up destroying her kidneys and I lost her in a week. The way your Wicket was sounds very similar to Mischief at the end, I couldn't bear to see my girl like that and our vet agreed it was a quality of life issue, it seems to me to be the same for Wicket, the decision you made was all about protecting him. Your heart is already breaking please don't punish yourself anymore - Wicket knows how much you love him and knows you made the best decisions for him always, sending you some huge hugs Leejaye

Thank you for your kind words.

It's such a lonely place to be. I'm so used to trying to "fix" things that it seems so hard to accept that I couldn't fix this. I know that playing the "if only" game is useless but nonetheless... I find myself doing it.

I would do anything to see my little bundle of love again. I don't think I've ever been this sad.

Hi, Petunia, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Wicket. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Petunia, what you are feeling is very normal for this deep grief. There are so many emotions associated with this grief adjustment journey, and unfortunately guilt is one of them, and can be one of the hardest to reconcile. But I wish to affirm what leejaye has so comfortingly said: You did EVERYTHING that is in your power to give your beloved Wicket a happy and healthy earthly journey filled with love. Unfortunately our companions physical bodies are not designed for immortality on this side of eternity. As a result, there comes a time when the only thing we can do is to release them from their failing, fraile, painful physical bodies. Your unselfish love for your beloved Wicket enabled you to do what was best for him at the right time, and he is eternally grateful to you for being his FOREVER MOM. The love bond you share is eternal, Petunia, and no amount of time of your continued earthly journey will ever change this. Your beloved Wicket will always be with you in your heart and your memories for he is forever a part of you - - he is always a heartbeat close to you.

Petunia, this grief adjustment journey is one of the most painful experiences we can know on this side of eternity. It is filled with so many ups and downs, twists and turns that can overwhelm us all at one time. It is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone in your journey. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. You are among friends here.

Petunia, thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Wicket with us. Perhaps some time you will feel up to sharing picture(s) of him - - but only if / when you are ready. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Petunia, and am looking forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Petunia, I think that was one of the hardest things for me with Mischief too - I'm used to being the "fixer" but I couldn't fix the one soul who meant the most to me in the world, kidney disease is a really hard disease to manage (especially in the end stages), the "what ifs..." are endless, but the way you talk about Wicket you didn't let him down or sell him short at all, he knows this...I still miss my girl but it does geta little easier with time, you are just at the beginning of this road and I well remember how hard and nightmarish the trip is, sending you some good energy and hugs Leejaye

Petunia,

I too recently lost a soulmate cat to kidney disease complicated by lower urinary tract problems. My Dzambala was just over 7, and I went through a lot of the same second guessing of my actions. I didn't do nearly as much as you did in the way of veterinary care, and it has taken time but I have gradually come to recognize that I did the best I could with my very limited finances and lack of first hand knowledge of these kinds of health issues. Being of an an-alytical, science-oriented mind, I obsessed over learning every detail about his condition. In the first few days I continued to torment myself with the Google detective work - as if I was doing some kind of forensic investigation to pinpoint exactly where things went wrong, and as if even knowing that would have been a real consolation. Little by little my guilt was replaced by bittersweet remembrance of him, my desperation over his death to fond recollection of his life.

I wish I could transfer this positive turn in my outlook to you. Unfortunately, we each have to go through the process ourselves, on our own time, in our own way. But what I can offer is some hope as someone who has been there, that the days do eventually get brighter. There will still be times when a pang of guilt or regret strikes, but, like waves that slowly subside after a storm has passed, they become less frequent than the happy memories of the good times. One other beautiful thing that has happened is that I have bonded with my surviving cat Loki in a way I'd never anticipated. It is like the love I felt for Dzambala has been added to Loki's share, without taking anything away. True love is immeasurable, and what is immeasurable is indivisible.

I want to say first and foremost how grateful I am to those of you who have responded and to this forum. So many "non pet" people just don't or can't understand. thank you for helping a complete stranger with your kind words.

This whole experience has left me rather humbled as I usually think of myself as a pretty resourceful person. The vet said to me that night, that this was one fight we could not win. How I wish I felt certain that he knew how much I love him. Probably going to sounds crazy here - but I would do anything for some kind of sign, something that I could say - see he's ok. For the first time in my life I wish I was more religious or spiritual or something, something that would give me comfort.

Also, because of my experience with my sweet Wicket - I took my oldest kitty Smokey (18 yrs. 4 months) to the vet this past Monday (while Wicket was still alive) and asked her to run blood work. Smokey has zero symptoms, I just had a feeling. Sure enough her BUN and Creatine levels came back elevated. I dread getting back on this roller coaster but I am grateful to know now, while it's still early. If it wasn't for Wicket I would have never taken Smokey in.

Hi, Petunia, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. When we are enduring through a traumatic event, and losing a beloved companion qualifies as a traumatic event, part of the grief adjustment journey does involve a lot of "questioning" about things we thought we would never question, and spiritual beliefs - - whatever they may be - - is one of them. Even those who profess to have a steadfast faith can find themselves seriously questioning their beliefs when faced with a traumatic event. So please try to find some comfort and peace in knowing that this is a very normal part of the process, because when one is in deep grief the entire core of our life has been turned upside down and inside out and ripped apart. It takes time to put ourselves "back together again" - - while knowing that our lives are permanently changed once again.

When our companions unite with us in our hearts and home our lives are changed for the better. We are blessed with their precious physical presence and their unconditional love and undivided attention. We, in turn, surrender to them completely without reservation. When they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again. We are faced with the incredibly difficult process of re-definining our lives without the privilege of their physical presence with us. The good news is that we are blessed with the eternal gift of their love, and the honor of holding their sweet Living Spirit forever in our hearts and memories. No, it isn't the same as physically holding them in our arms, of touching their soft fur, of gazing deeply into their eyes, of feeling their soft caresses and kisses, of hearing their purrs and soft breathing while they sleep. But we are blessed with being their earthly caregiver, and of the recipient of their eternal love. Your beloved Wicket is forever with you, Petunia - - he is always a heartbeat close to you. And I promise you, Petunia, your beloved Wicket knows you love him beyond all shadow of a doubt.

I am sorry about the results of Smokey's tests, but am ever so grateful that you were able to find out early enough so that your precious Smokey can continue to share with you a good quality of life.

Petunia, you are among friends who truly do understand what you are going through. Although we will probably never have the opportunity to meet "face to face" during our earthly journeys, we share a common bond through the most wonderful friendships we will know on this side of eternity - - our beloved companions. So please let me reassure you, Petunia, there are no "strangers" here.

Petunia, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing, and how your precious Smokey is doing. I hope today is being kind to you both, and that you will have a very peaceful evening. Please know you and your precious Smokey are in my thoughts and prayers, Petunia, and look forward to knowing how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I feel very much like I have been broken - and like I'll never be right again.

The vet sent a lovely card today, along with a book and my babies paw prints in a ceramic white circle. It was very sweet and heartbreaking at the same time. They also left a message that Wicket's ashes were ready for me to pick up. I dread going, it makes it all so real. I fear what I'd be like in the vets office, I'm scared I might throw up.

I can tell my other cats are upset and then they see me upset and it makes it worse. I'm trying to just shower them with love.

I bought a book today that I would never buy under normal circumstances about life after death and pets. It might sound kind of wacky but I saw it in the bookstore and it looked like it might offer me some comfort so I didn't hesitate.

I went into work today for the first time, I just felt sort of numb.

I think I was able to add 2 pictures of Wicket - one was when i found him as an abandoned kitten and the other was Wicket before the kidney disease wreaked havoc on him.

Hi, Petunia, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing and for the adorable pictures of your beloved Wicket. Thank you so much for sharing him with us.

Getting our beloved's ashes back is a two-sided coin: On the one side, it is comforting to have their ashes back, while the other side of coin it is yet another blatant reality that they are no longer with us in their physical body form - - which is what our broken hearts yearn for. I know how upsetting it can be going back to the vet's office after a loss - - it took me several months to be able to take my little Noah in for his routine checks without tears welling up in my eyes. It's another step in this painful grief journey, and I hope you can feel us with you holding you up, offering you our strength and courage, when you decide to go pick up your beloved Wicket's ashes.

"I can tell my other cats are upset and then they see me upset and it makes it worse. I'm trying to just shower them with love."

Petunia, your precious companions are also going through an adjustment to Wicket's physical absence. In comforting them, they will also be of comfort to you. So - - shower them with all the love you can, as they will return the blessing to you.

Petunia, I hope today is being kind to you, and that you and your precious companions will have a very peaceful evening. Thank you again so much for sharing your beloved Wicket with us. Please know you and your precious furkids are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Still have not been to the vet. Just can't do it yet. Feels to real and terrible. It's a long weekend here and I just find myself thinking about how much I miss my little Wicket.

I have had a horrible headache for days and can't do much. Can't even look at this screen much longer. :-(

Hi, Petunia, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Stress, including from deep grief, can manifest physical symptoms such as lingering headaches, migraines, cluster headaches, etc.. I hope you are being able to get some relief. Don't worry about not being able to pick up your beloved Wicket's ashes yet. You will do so when you're up to it. Until then, they are in safe keeping with your vet.

Petunia, I hope this evening is being kind to you, and that you will be able to get some rest. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you so much for your kind words.

I picked up Wicket's ashes today. The little box looks so sad. I think when I feel up to it I'll get one with his picture on it. For now I put his picture next to it and his footprints and a few cards I got from family. I'm sort of in shock. Like I still feel like he is going to come into the room any moment.

Today my other cats were all upset and behaving badly. I think the loss of Wicket has disrupted their normal and they are kind of acting out. A fight broke out (there's normally some hissing if someone gets in someones food bowl but nothing like this). Someone got scratched, fur flying sort of fight - totally not normal. I ended up putting my 2 older cats in my bedroom and one cat in the 2nd bedroom so only one cat was left out with me.

A few minutes later I heard the blinds on the sliding glass door rustle behind me like they always do when a cat will lay on the floor and look out the glass doors. I was on the computer and turned around and saw a couple of the blinds were out of place but I couldn't see the bottom 1/2 of the blinds because the couch was in the way. I assumed that the cat out with me (her name is actually Petunia) was looking out the window. Well, like 30 seconds later Petunia comes walking down the hall in front of me. So, it couldn't have been her and everyone else was put away.

I think my mind was playing tricks on me because Wicket always loved to look out the glass doors and I would always hear him rustle the blinds in the same spot.

Hi, Petunia, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your fur family are doing. Ah yes -- the "time out" discipline - - how I remember that oh so well with my Eli, Noah, and Abbygayle - - with my precious little Noah ALWAYS being the middle somehow, and usually ending up with the battle scars.

Receiving our beloved companion's ashes is a two-sided coin - - on one side it's comforting to have them back home, while on the other side - - it is another stark "reality" that they are no longer with us in their precious life form as they shared their earthly journey with us. Another step in this very painful adjustment journey.

I firmly believe that your beloved Wicket was letting you know that he is with you now just as he always has been and always will be, and he wanted you to know this by doing something that you would recognize - - like rustling the blinds. It's not your mind "playing tricks" on you, Petunia. Hopefully when you experience your beloved Wicket's "presence" with you it will be a comfort to you.

Thank you again so much for sharing with us how you and your fur family are doing, Petunia. I hope today is being kind to each of you. Please know you and your fur tribe are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how life is treating each of you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you moonbeam.

Just trying to put one foot in front of the other.

I need to go back to the vet to take my older cat Smokey (18 years old) to have her blood work redone to see if her new food and her Azodyl are helping her kidneys but I'm too scared to get any bad news. Just can't take any bad news at the moment. I just miss my kitty and would do anything to see him again.

Petunia... I just wanted to say, you protected Wicket from suffering greatly for what could have been a long time. You helped him go peacefully even though it was so terribly hard for you, because you loved him just that much. How could you have protected him more? How could he not know how loved he was? You rescued him from the roadside, got him the best health care you could, and loved him enough to let him go peacefully even though it hurt you because you would rather suffer yourself than have him suffer. He knows he was loved.

Hi, Petunia. I so do know how you're feeling about not being able to take anymore bad news right now. Is there someone who can go with you when you take Smokey in for his check up - - if for no other reason than to just be there for you - - perhaps drive you and Smokey so that you don't have to focus on anything else except Smokey's needs? And I can so understand how Smokey's health needs are weighing heavily on your heart about your beloved Wicket. I wish there was a way I could help make all of this easier for you, Petunia. The only thing I can offer you is my sincerest friendship, support, encouragement.

I hope today is being kind to you and your precious Smokey, and that you will have a very peaceful evening and weekend. Please know you and your precious little girl are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hello Petunia

My heart goes out to you in the passing over of your precious Wicket. No one - NO ONE - who has not know the love of a special, soul-animal like your Wicket - can even get close to understanding what this grief is about. For those others, it's in their heads. For us, it's in our hearts - big time and all the time.

One thing you said particurly stuck me - that Wicket was in kidney failure and one day he couldn't urinate and could only walk a few steps. That's EXACTLY the way my Gretta (the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived) passed over. She had incipient Cushing's disease - not enough to make her go through the treatment (which is chemotherapy). She crashed in a single day. At 5 AM she could walk around the block. At 10 AM we were struggling to make it - step-by-agonizing-step - around the block. At 3 PM all she could do was stand up. I rushed her to our University Vet School clinic (it was a Saturday) and they kept her overnight ('cuz I was too scared to take her home - ask me how guilty I feel about THAT!). The next day the Vet School vet called me and said she couldn't stand up and by that time she hadn't urinated for 36 hours. She said she could "express" her bladder, but what that really told me was that her systems were shutting down. I made the awful decision, held my baby in my arms and tried to ease her way into the Perfect World.

Petunia, being able to "save" a beloved animal has NOTHING to do with the amount of vet care you're able to give them (provided they get at least some). I used to joke with my vet (the best in the world) that I was single-handedly keeping his son in medical school and that I could always tell when a tuition payment was due. But whoever made this universe, made animals' lives much shorter than ours. And so if we take the risk of loving them, we WILL experience this awful grief. I guess it's the price of love - and who would give that up!

Petunia is, in the words of my vet, "in a safe place not." So is Gretta. Having experienced the sharing of love with an amazing animal I don't just believe that's true, I KNOW it is! Please take a little of my strength (I'm further along the grief road than you are) and use it to comfort you and your kittie-cats today.

And BTW - you DID receive a visit from Wicket! Absolutely not doubt! See, Wicket is still taking care of you and loving you and being loved by you - the same as ever.

Blessings,

Gretta's mom

I was so pleased to check in today and see such kind words. Thank you all so much. My husband has been away for work since about a week before Wicket passed and it is so hard to go through this alone. Your kindness means so much to me.

I am very, very pleased to say that Smokey's check up went very well. Her levels were pretty much exactly where they were a month before, which was truly wonderful. My marching orders are to keep Smokey on the same routine for another 3 months and to come back to check her levels then. She has been a real trooper and we have our system of meds down pat. Everyone at the vets office was impressed with how spry my little gal is for 18 years and 5 months.

With Wicket his kidney disease was just unstoppable, it surprised even the vet how quickly it progressed. So, I am grateful that Smokey seems to be responding better.

I did have a little freak out when I got to the vet, they have about 8 rooms and the left side is normally cats and the right side is normally dogs. For whatever reason they went to take me to the right side (dog side) which I have only been ONCE on the day Wicket passed. When they wanted to take me over there I just panicked. They were very understanding and nice and even added to my chart NOT to take me to that side of the office anymore. Just too much.

I saw Wicket in a dream for the first time, I have been hoping that I would. I just saw him for a few seconds in my dream, and just from the back as he was eating from the food bowl. Getting him to eat was such a major accomplishment that I guess that is the best dream I could ask for. To see Wicket with an appetite, eating.

And I have not heard the blinds rustling since that day. I listen for them all the time in hopes that I will.

Hi, Petunia, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you and your precious Smokey are doing. I am so o o happy to share you very good news that her check up went well. I know how much of a blessing this is to you.

Our furkids who are with the angels do find a way to let us know they are still very much a part of us, and I'm so very glad you have received communication from your beloved Wicket in your dream. He is letting you know he is well, and I hope this brings comfort and joy to your heart.

I hope today is being kind to you and your precious Smokey, Petunia. Thank you again for sharing Smokey's great news with us. Please know you and your precious Smokey are in my thoughts and prayers, and always look forward to shairng your news whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you moonbeam! Yes it was very good news.

I have attached a picture of Smokey I took with my phone. Not too bad for an 18 year and 5 month old kitty. That's about 90 years old I figure!

She has been with me since she was 3 months old and a fellow college student found her and her siblings in a dumpster. I took her and hid her in my on campus apartment and she has been sleeping by my head every day of her life since!
Click to view attachment

Hi, Petunia, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you and your precious Smokey are doing. What a beautiful little girl she is!!! Thank you so very much for sharing this wonderful picture of your Smokey with us.

She is very blessed to have you for her Forever Mom, Petunia, and I know you feel equally blessed to have her faithful companionship. I hope today is being kind to the both of you, Petunia, and that you will have a very peaceful evening together. Please know you and your precious Smokey are in my thoughts and prayers, and always look forward to sharing with you how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I had to rush Smokey to the ER last night. I thought it was her kidneys but turns out it is her pancreas. They kept her at the hospital.

I guess they only thing they can do is give her supportive care - fluids, pain killer, anti-nausea medication, medication for her tummy. They told me that it's impossible to say if she'll get better but that many cats do recover fully after an attack and that others may not.

I don't understand why this happened. They said sometimes it's eating something they should be eating but she only eats the same thing every day, her kidney food.

I am just praying that she'll make a full recover and I can bring her home soon. It's been 3 months since my Wicket passed away and now having Smokey in the hospital is particularly hard. :-(

Hi, Petunia, thank you so much for sharing with us about your precious Smokey. Please know you and your precious little girl are in my thoughts and prayers, and that the veterinary staff will be able to help stabilize her so that you both can continue to enjoy a good quality of life for a long time.

If there are other chronic health issues like kidney disesase this could affect the digestive tract - - which includes the pancreas. So please do NOT blame yourself for this new health challenge you and your precious Smokey are facing together. I know this is easier said than done, but I thought I would say it anyway. She may need an adjustment in her diet because of this episode, but this is in no way a NEGATIVE RELFECTION of the excellent care you give to your precious Smokey. It would simply mean that her body at this point in time in her health needs a change.

I hope when you call the vet later today that you will be given some hopeful encouragement. Thank you so very much for sharing your news with us, Petunia. Again, please know you and your precious Smokey are in my thoughts and prayers, and please do let us know how things go.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you so much moon_beam.

I went to visit Smokey today and although she still isn't eating the fluids and pain killers seem to be helping her feel a bit better. She got bright eyed and started walking around when they brought her to the room and she realized it was me. Even kind of drugged and wearing that Elizabethan collar she kept walking over to the door as to say get me out of here.

I should get a call from the Vet in the AM and I'll go see her again tomorrow. I am just praying that she will eat.

I really do like the 2 vets that I see but I did get a little upset today. When I asked what do we do if she won't eat in a day or so, the vet made a couple of suggestions and then said that she has had some patients that have to get a feeding tube to give them time to recover. Which she followed with "if we want to go that far". I know she didn't mean anything by it but it's like she wouldn't be saying that if Smokey was a 3 year old cat!

I just feel like just because she is old doesn't mean she doesn't deserve every chance. She was doing really well and from what I understand some cats can make a full recovery from this and be fine with some dietary changes. Her kidneys aren't perfect but her blood work showed very little change in kidney values from 2 months ago, so her kidneys are not the main problem right now.

If she can get thru this she has a great quality of life. So, I want to give her every possible chance to get that great life back. I knew with Wicket there was nothing we could do to bring his kidneys back but this is different and if she can get thru it I know she has a few more great years in her!

I couldn't sleep last night. Other than vacations we never sleep apart, and it's been that way for over 18 years. I know we were both missing each other.

Today was not good - she won't eat even with appetite stimulants and me doing everything I could. I went to see her twice today.

She has an ultrasound to look for cancer or a tumor tomorrow. We discussed a feeding tube.

I feel destroyed. I can't believe that I am here again. It has only been 3 months and 5 days since Wicket passed. This is too much.

They did an ultrasound - she has 3 masses. They assume cancer one mass has started to press on other organs and thus the pain.

They are trying to get her stable and decrease the tumor with steroids to see if she'll eat and I can bring her home for a little bit.

My husband is trying to see how quickly he can get home. He is scheduled to be back home a week from tomorrow but I don't think she will make it that long.

I am in a combination state of shock and despair. I can't believe that I am going to loose my baby so quickly and so quickly after Wicket.

Hi, Petunia, I'm just being able to get caught up on your and your precious Smokey's news. I am so very sorry about the diagnosis of tumors. I do so understand your feelings of shock and despair. I also very much understand how totally destroyed you are feeling with the prospects of losing your precious Smokey so quickly after Wicket. It's difficult enough to adjust to the physical absence of one beloved companion - - adjusting to the physical of two or more companions in a short period of time compounds the grief and sorrow. I truly am so very, very sorry.

About the feeding tube - - if I may offer you some insights about that. There are medical concerns involved with a tube. It can become clogged with the puree food. It can also move and puncture the stomach - - which then becomes a medical emergency. When putting food into the tube the patient has a gag reaction - - even when the tube is placed in the neck. My number one kitty son Eli had a neck feeding tube post surgery for cancer in September 2006. Both my Eli and I were VERY RELIEVED when the tube was removed during his post surgical follow up several days later. I was NOT informed that a feeding tube would be inserted BEFORE it was done during his initial surgery. If I had been informed I would have emphatically said "NO" and been very glad to orally syringe feed him instead.

Feeding tubes are an option, - - definitely - - but they are not always a benefit to the patient. So please understand that the vet was trying to let you know what your options are, but was trying to alert you to the reality that a feeding tube is really an "extraordinary measure". Please know that whatever you decide for your precious Smokey is the RIGHT ONE - - and that you have my TOTAL SUPPORT.

Please know we are here for you, Petunia, to help you as best we can. I am hoping and praying that your husband will be able to come home much sooner so that he can be with you and Smokey. I am so, so very sorry that you are having to go through this, Petunia. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you and your precious Smokey are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

thank you moonbeam, I am so deeply appreciative of your counsel and your kind words.

The vet feels that the tumors have grown to the point that they are pressing on her pancreas and her small intestine and causing the pain and her not to eat. They gave her a steroid shot in hopes that it might reduce the tumor for a few days. She got pain meds, stomach meds, fluids till 10pm tonight and then I took her home. My husbands professors have all be very understanding and he is driving home tomorrow and will be here by Saturday afternoon. He'll be finishing his papers and such from here.

My hope is that she can make it comfortably till then and that we can spend some time together just being. I have opted to syringe feed her what little she will keep down. I've managed to get little bits of the baby food in her.Considering her condition, and the additional stress it would bring the feeding tube did not make sense. Thank you for sharing your experience moonbeam, it was very helpful in understanding what it would really be like.

The other tumor is by her kidney which is probably what was causing her elevated kidney values. Because we thought her only issue was the kidneys, I thought that her experience would be like Wicket, a slower decline with lots of advance warning. Not sudden. And she was doing so well I thought we still had years together.

I have had Smokey my entire adult life, I had barely turned 18 when I got her from a friend who had found her in a dumpster. She lived in my on campus apartment (hidden from the staff) and has been with me ever since. A constant devoted companion, truly my best friend. i would do anything for her.

Hi, Petunia, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you and your precious Smokey are doing. I am so happy that she is home with you. Whatever happens, - - please keep in mind that this time home with you and your husband when he gets back home will be treasured time for her as well as for you - - for she is where she knows she is loved with the sights and sounds and smells of familiar surroundings and the love of you and your husband to comfort her.

I am glad that sharing my Eli's experience helped you to come to a comfortable decision for your precious Smokey. I do so understand how you feel - - that you would do anything and everything for her that is best for her. This is what true love is. I am so very, very sorry that you are having to go through this at all, but particularly so soon after your beloved Wicket joining the angels. It is incredibly painfully hard to know that there comes a time when all we can do for our companions is to keep them as comfortable as possible knowing that they are on their journey to the angels. I hope your husband will have safe travels home, and that you, your husband, and Smokey will have time to share together.

Please know you and your precious Smokey are in my thoughts and prayers, Petunia, and that I look forward to knowing how things are going with you, your husband, and Smokey whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I wanted to give an update on Smokey. My husband came into town two weeks ago on Saturday and we were scheduled to bring in Smokey to put her to sleep. That day I decided that I wanted us to spend one day all together so I told the vet we'd be back the next day (Sunday). I decided to stop giving her the pain medication to see how she would do without it and I could get a better idea of how she was really feeling.

When I took her off the pain killer she actually seemed a little better. She started to lick food off my finger and eat a little out of my hand. Since she hadn't eaten in so many days I was surprised. A few hours later i got her to eat a tiny bit more. I kept feeding her every few hours a tiny bit. We didn't take her in the next day to the vet. We kept feeding her by hand until she started to eat a little out of the bowl on her own. She started to drink water on her own with our encouragement.

It has been two weeks since we were scheduled to put her to sleep. Although I know that she is on borrowed time, the last two weeks we have spent some quality time together. She has been eating, drinking, using the bathroom, sleeping in her favorite spot and for the most part being herself. I have kept her on the Pepcid and I can tell some days are better than others.

No matter what happens or when it happens I am very grateful to have this time with her. We are just taking it day by day right now.

Hi, Petunia, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you and your precious Smokey are doing. I am SO THRILLED at your news that she is doing better off the pain medication. This is not entirely surprising. All medications have side effects, and what works for one patient can be a hindrance to another. How wise you were to give this a try - - and with wonderful results. Enjoy this quality time you have with her, Petunia, as I know your precious Smokey is grateful for this quality time with you and your husband. Please know you and your precious Smokey are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowoing how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you moonbeam. Today did not bring news unfortunately. We brought for in because she started sneezing. They did a chest x-ray and she is filling with fluid between her lungs and her chest cavity. It's not why she's sneezing but they picked up on it because of the x-ray. And they had her other x-ray from 3 weeks ago to compare it to.

The vet said that if those masses are cancer, it's not unusual for this to happen. She also got an antibiotic in case she is also getting upper respiratory. Which the vet said also can be related to the cancer as animals with cancer often have compromised immune systems. None of my cats are sick and none of my cats go outside so I have no idea how that would happen.

The vet said she could tap the fluid but it would just come back and it would be very stressful for her and might have to be put on some anesthesia. We decided not to put her through that. We brought her home. We are just going to love her and keep her comfy for as long as we can. Sadly, I don't think it will be very long, maybe a couple or few weeks at most.

As sad and heartbroken as I am - I am grateful for this extra time I have had with her.

My other cats can tell I'm upset just like they could tell after Wicket passed. Anyway, thanks so much for listening.

Hi, Petunia, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you and your precious Smokey are doing. Unfortunately what your Smokey is experiencing is a normal progression of the cancer. When the immune system is compromised, the body is unable to fight off exposure to the normal germs that exist in the environment. Hence, infections take hold, and with a suppressed immune system the infections become more pronounced. Your other cats have a normal immune system, so they are better able to cope with the normal germs that exist in the environment.

I'm glad you feel comfortable not opting for the chest tap. This would indeed be very stressful for both your precious Smokey and for you. The relief would be temporary - - perhaps only minutes before the procedure would need to be done again. Sharing this time together as comfortably as possible is very important for both you and your precious Smokey.

Petunia, I do so know the heartbreak you are feeling, - - I so wish there were some way I could take this away from you and your precious Smokey, but I do not possess this power. The only thing I can offer you is my sincerest friendship and all the support, encouragement, and comfort that comes with it. I hope you and your precious Smokey will have a very peaceful and comfortable evening. Please know you both are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how things are going for you and your precious Smokey.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your support and kind words. I feel so lucky to have found this site with such kind people who understand.

Smokey is moving a little bit slower each day, and eating a little bit less each day. I don't think she is in pain - thank goodness. She is still as cuddly as ever however and my goal is just to keep her comfortable for as long as I can. She now seems to prefer baby food over the Fancy Feast that I had been giving her (because Fancy Feast was all she wanted to eat). Whatever she will eat, as long as she's eating is ok by me.

I didn't know the tap would be so short lived. I feel even better in my decision not to do it. If it was a situation that could be fixed of course I would have done it. But knowing it was just going to come back - it didn't seem like something I wanted to put her through.

I know the best thing I can do for her now is just keep her comfy and let her know how much I love her.

Hi, Petunia, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you and your precious Smokey are doing. The appetite does become fussy, so you are doing the very best thing in giving her whatever she feels like eating. It is important for her to remain hydrated, so if you see that she's not drinking as much water, you can make a sugar water solution with the clear Karo Syrup and syringe feed it to her. This may even help to perk her up for a little bit, as it did my beautiful Abbygayle the last week of her earthly journey. It's just a thought. If you think this is an option you can go online to get the formula for making the "sugar water" solution.

I know you and your precious Smokey are savoring every moment together. Please know you and your precious Smokey are in my thoughts and prayers, Petunia, and that I look forward to knowing how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moonbeam - I didn't know that about the Karo syrup?! I would have used that on several occasions if I had known. That's a GREAT tip. Thank you so much.

It's been almost a month since I updated so I'm a bit superstitious and afraid to jinx myself but here it goes... Kitties really do have 9 lives. My Smokey somehow pulled out of that horrible respiratory infection. She just woke up on Christmas day, like 100 times better. As you can imagine, I could not have been happier.

We waited every day for something horrible to happen that week after - since we have basically been told our cat has cancer and it's just a matter of time. But, thank goodness, it has not happened yet. I stopped all of her medications, everything - they just seemed to be causing more issues.

She has had almost a full month of doing really well. Following me around like a puppy actually! I even decided to take her out on my back patio for supervised 10-20 minute outings several times a week. She has NEVER been outside and she just LOVED it. She just walked around the patio sniffing and then laid in the sun. I followed her around like I was following a toddler, making sure she didn't get into trouble.

She has been eating well and for the time being quite active. I know that it's a gift. Maybe Wicket had something to do with it! I don't know. But I am just so deeply grateful for this time with her. I am trying to enjoy her as much as I can and spoil her. Feb. 1st she'll be 18 years and 9 months old!

Petunia, I have been reading your posts and I am so glad that you have been able to have some great quality time with Smokey. I am glad that she is feeling well. Blessings to you. Jennifer from Texas

Dear Petunia,

I wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your precious Wicket. I too lost an animal companion to kidney failure - my Jack - in 2007 - so I feel I speak from some experience in trying to reassure you not to feel guilty. Kidney failure takes them quickly and is very devastating. You did what you could with diet changes, fluids and medication. In the end, there was sadly no more that could be done. Your Wicket was so beautiful. I truly understand how sad you feel. I too am struggling with a more recent loss at this time - my Sweetie, whom I had to let go on 1/14 from bone cancer. It feels like a kick in the stomach. I know the turmoil and pain you feel and that it takes hold of you and will never let go. At least we can all be here for each other to support each other, whatever comfort there may be in that. I really am so very sorry you are feeling badly and hope you can find some peace in your grief.

Petunia, I read your posts today and can relate exactly to how your Smokey is doing. I put my baby Diego (13 years) down on New Years Eve at home with the help of a wonderful mobile vet we had come to love over the last couple months.He was a wonderful kitty companion. He was diagnosed with an intestinal mass over a year ago, I took him home thinking I had at most two weeks to be with him, but I got about 14 more great months. I prayed for more time and god answered!! I too stopped almost all his meds, but kept him on prednisolone (not prednisone). The only reason I know how well this worked for him was when we tried tapering him off it, he was hiding and walking slower within one day. When i put him back on, he was himself again the next day!!! This steroid is pretty good at stopping inflammation and increasing appetite immensely. I guess I am saying it could help even more to improve smokeys condition, only because we had similar circumstances. I loved reading how Smokey has come back so well. She has lots of life left and it makes me sooo happy to know she is doing better. I will pray for you that her condition stays stable and you can share much more happy times together, she is a great kitty and you are a great mom!
Cheri in San Diego

I can understand Petunia. My beloved cat died six days ago from a renal failure. We trying to give him medication for several years, but eventually he started to get weaker of the Xmas, and got very sick last week, until his body could not hold anymore and died. He was on this world for 18 years! Longer than any job, house, friends. He was with me when I was in college through the time I worked on grad years later, moved several times.. he was always with me. I took his passing with a deep sadness and heartbroken. It is normal to feel very sad and guilty, and question all your actions that you do for saving your pet.

Hi, Petunia, just getting caught up on your news of January 18. I am so o very thrilled for you and Smokey!! What a WONDERFUL blessing for you both. I am positive that your beloved Wicket had a talk with our Heavenly Father Creator and asked that you both be given more time together. How much time? Unfortunately we on this side of eternity are not granted that knowledge - - only the opportunity to embrace each day together and cherish every moment. And it sounds like you and your precious Smokey are. I am so oo very happy for you both.

I hope today is being kind to you and your precious Smokey. Thank you so ooooo very much for sharing your wonderful news with us. Please know you and your precious Smokey are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I always look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Jennifer - thanks so much for your kind words! Both Smokey and I thank you!

Merlin - I am so sorry for the loss of your Sweetie. It is such a deep grief we feel and I also am grateful for the support of others who understand. Please take care of yourself during this hard time.

Cheri - I am so sorry for the loss of your Diego. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It gave me so much encouragement knowing that you were able to spend 14 wonderful months with him! I also feel like my prayers were answered in getting more time to spend with my dear Smokey. I'll be sure to ask my vet about the steroid. I am not sure what steroid shot they gave her but I really think it made all the difference. Please take care of yourself.

Mysacek - Oh, I'm so sorry about your kitty. Yes, renal failure is such a frustrating illness. I remember when my vet looked at me the night I had to put Wicket down and just said, "this is a battle you can not win". I felt so useless. I'm sorry for your heartbreak. My Wicket was only with us for 7 short years but we miss him terribly. My Smokey who is 18 (and almost 9 months) has been with me my entire adult life and she has been with me for so much. I understand and am deeply sorry.

Moonbeam - Thank you! I am trying to just spoil her rotten. Just like a cat, she often tries to sleep on the keyboard while I'm trying to work. I used to put her down or take her into the other room. Now, I take a break and stop working to let her know how much I love her. She's going to be the queen for as long as she has left.

I am SO grateful for this time with her, and for all the wonderful people here who have helped me SO much during these past months!

Went back to the vet today with Smokey. She is doing poorly. Her pancreas is still irritated but now the real problem are her kidney values are thru the roof.

We tried another shot of the steroid (which has helped her tumors or masses twice before), the vet doesn't want to hospitalize her for the kidneys because of her pancreas she thinks it'll just be too much stress. So we are trying to keep her comfortable at home with fluids and pepcid for her tummy. I was on that whole kidney ride with Wicket for so long that I know the drill.

Smokey's kidneys were holding up pretty well back in Sept. but after we almost lost her from the pancreas problems in Nov and then again with the fluid in her chest in Dec, I guess it was just a matter of time. After Dec & Jan - we decided to stop the kidney food she didn't like and allow her to eat whatever she would eat. And we decided to stop all the kidney medication because we were afraid it was all contributing to the pancreas problems. Now of course I am blaming myself for having stopped the kidney treatment.

She is 1 month and 3 weeks shy of her 19th birthday and it is 6 months and a week since Wicket passed.

Hi, Petunia, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious Smokey are doing. I am so very sorry that she is not doing well. Please do not blame yourself for stopping the kidney treatment. You are so right that some medications and foods can actually CONTRIBUTE to the medical problems - - particularly when there are multiple medical issues involved. I know so well how your heart is breaking with the way things are going, but if you had continued with the kidney treatments and things had not worked out, then what? You have done the ABSOLUTE BEST by your precious Smokey, and she knows this. Treasure this time with your precious Smokey, as I know you are.

Petunia, you are not alone in this time of Anticipatory Grief, and you will not be alone when your precious Smokey transitions home to the angels. Please know you and your precious little girl are in my thoughts and prayers, and please do let us know how things go.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hello Petunia, please allow me to offer you my sincere sympathies on the loss of your precious Wicket. I like the two photos of him that you posted, one as a young kitten, and the other as an adult. He sure was a handsome looking little fella! I am sorry that you lost him at such a young age. I'm praying that your little Smokey will be alright and that the medicine will help him. I find myself in a similar situation. My sweet Danny boy passed on just a couple months ago, and my surviving cat, Tina, has been having health issues. So I can very well understand that you are ill prepared to lose another cat at this time, and hopefully you won't.

Take your time to grieve, Petunia. Grief work is hard, and when those waves of grief come and sweep over us we feel so overwhelmed and want to fight it. It helps to embrace those waves of grief and to cry the tears. Some days will be better than others. Sometimes a favorite toy or a blanket will trigger a wave of grief. Be especially kind to yourself and try to get enough rest. Try to find peace in the beauty of nature.


Hugs,
DannysMom

Moonbeam - as always thank you for your kind words. Yes I guess I would be beating myself up about it either way, if the kidney treatment had made her pancreas flare up again I would have blamed myself for that, so yes, you are right. And her levels already show that her pancreas is still irritated so it would be easy to set it off. It's so hard to know what the right answers are that you just to second guess everything you do.

Danny's Mom - I'm sorry about the loss of your little Danny. Having a surviving cat that is facing health challenges can indeed be difficult. It's like you don't really get a chance to heal before you get thrown into it again. I hope your little Tina soon feels better.

Smokey certainly doesn't like the sub-q fluids but she has been handling it ok. Although she isn't eating anything like normal she at least will eat a few tiny portions for me each day. She is weakened buy still tries to follow me around the house albeit very very slowly. Cats with end stage kidney disease get a particular smell to them (it's not really offensive but distinct) and even my other kitties can smell it and so they know something is wrong.

Hi, Petunia, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious Smokey are doing. Please know that the words I share with you come from first-hand experience. I often lament how much easier it would be to make decisions on behalf of our furkids if only we could talk to each other in a common language - - they could actually tell us where it hurts and how we could help them feel better. Wouldn't life be so much easier???? But unfortunately we don't have this privilege on this side of eternity, and so we must try to make the best decisions we can with the informaton and resources we have available to us at the time.

Sounds like your precious Smokey still has a determination to share as much quality time with you as she possibly can. I know you and your precious Smokey are cherishing every moment you have together.

Petunia, I hope today is treaing you and your precious Smokey kindly, and that you and your precious Smokey and furkids will have a very peaceful evening. Please know you and your precious Smokey are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Petunia, I am so sorry to hear that your little Smokey is getting worse. Have you tried holistic treatment? I know that something called "Marin" will help regenerate the liver, and it might help the pancreas too. It has milk thistle as the ingredient, and "Marin" is especially made for cats. You could ask your vet about that. You could also give her some Nutri-cal. It's a high-caloried paste, and it will help if she doesn't want to touch her food. It also has a lot of nutrients in it. I hope this helps.

Danny's Mom - thank you. I tried the Nutri-cal and she just turned up her nose at it. I just kind of put a little in her mouth - better than nothing! I've given to other cats I've fostered in the past and they all liked it but she just doesn't like anything these days. Hope you are hanging in there.

Moon Beam - as always thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

It's been another 6 weeks of ups and downs. We went back to the vet because she is getting worse. Her kidneys are getting worse, the levels that usually indicate pancreas problems are getting worse. And now she is very anemic.

The vet gave me more medications including iron supplementation (Hi-vite drops). So we now are on - Azodyl (for kidneys), Pepcid (for stomach), Cyproheptadine (appetite) Hi-vite drops (anemia), and sub-q fluids daily. She is quite a sport about it all but I know she feels badly.

It's like all her systems are just starting to break down. The vet said that in her case a blood transfusion would not give long term help and might cause more problems so that was ruled out. So, we are back home now and just taking all of our medications and fluids and hoping to keep her as comfortable as possible.

It's like a bouncing ball and the ball is now more like rolling than bouncing - the high bounces aren't very high now and there seems to be more low days than high days. She turns 19 May 1st.