This is going to be very difficult for me to type, but I need to get it out so please bear with me.

Cinder's condition went down very rapidly last night. Everything seemed fine and I was content and peaceful and then she threw up around 10:30. I stayed up with her all night by her side as she continued to be sick throughout the night. I knew in my heart it was time. I cleaned up after her and told her it was okay, she seemed so ashamed (she never did mess in the house), I told her it was not her fault.

I fought with the decision to take her to the emergency 24 hour vet, but my mother talked me out of it and I'm glad she did. I didn't want a stranger putting her to sleep, although I would have allowed it if necessary. I talked with her a lot over the course of the night/morning. I told her it was okay to let go, that I would always love her, how much happiness and joy she had brought me and what a great, amazing, wonderful dog she was. I told her soon she would be able to see again and run wild and free. Her sugar dropped out around 5 am and I had to rub Karo syrup on her gums, but I finally got it back stable. She rested peacefully from about 6 am to 8:30 am, then started getting sick again. Dad spent all morning preparing her a spot by the edge of our woods. I wanted her vet to come to the house, but unfortunately it just didn't work out that way. His schedule left his only free time after work today so I made the decision to take her in to his office.

We gathered her favorite doggy blanket and a pink towel and sat her in the back of my dad's Bronco, the same truck my first dog, Lady, passed in. I rode in the backseat and talked to her the whole way. She didn't shake and tremble as she normally did on the way to the vet. Her wonderful vet came outside to the truck, we didn't even have to get out. I stroked and held her head as her precious life ended. My mother was also petting her. My dad couldn't watch. She went very peacefully. The moment she stopped breathing, I felt like my heart had been ripped out, my vision blurred with tears and I could not speak. Our vet told us this wasn't supposed to be easy and it's okay to be sad, that's how we know how much we love her. He told me not to have any second guesses because he agreed that it was time. He gave me a hug and said he loved us. I thanked him (best I could) and stroked Cinder's soft fur all the way home.

We drove her out to the woods and said our last goodbyes. My mom sobbed into her fur then walked back to the house to get some of her toys. I laid with her and told her she was finally home for good. I told her I hope she was already running and playing. My dad brought her favorite torn up football. We picked her up and laid her to rest. She looked at peace and is surrounded by her favorite toys: her football, tennis ball, green rope (her first toy as a puppy), and her red rubber chew toy. I kissed her on the cheek and told her, "I love you, Princess." My dad covered her up, his own therapy, we left him alone so he could finally cry over her. I thanked him for working so hard to give her a good spot. It is the most peaceful spot. In a grove of trees, shady, breezy, no noise but the wildlife around. We are planning on getting a bench to put in the grove of trees with Lady's and Cinder's names on it.

I walked back to the house sobbing and went straight to her doggy bed and curled in it. I could smell her and see her black hairs all over it. Everything in the house reminds me of her: the ledge in the kitchen window she scratched up as a puppy, the spot in the dining room she used to lay as we cooked supper, the rug in my floor she loved to sleep on, her food bowls, her brush and shampoo laying on a ledge outside, her plethora of food and treats in the laundry room, and so much more.

Her life played before my eyes last night, from the day I brought her home as a tiny puppy up to her last days. We grew up together. She was there during middle school, junior high, high school, college and a year after college. She was my best friend and confidant, she knew everything about me and still loved me. She never judged and always offered a shoulder (or belly) to cry on. She got me through many rough times. She loved me, an imperfect human being, perfectly. I told her last night I don't know what I did to deserve her, but I'm so blessed to have experienced this kind of love. She truly has a piece of my soul with her, and I a piece of hers. I know now that she is free and running with all the other angelic creatures. She is so beautiful.

I never imagined it would be this hard to let go. We love so hard and it makes it so painful. I ache all over for her. I swear I can hear her in the house. I just want to run to her and bury my face in her hair and feel her kiss on my cheek, but I can't. I am sharing Cinder's last picture again. I absolutely love it and I am so thankful my dad was able to capture this peaceful moment of us together.

Thank you all for reading this, I will get through it, but I will need help and time. I want to especially thank Kristina for talking me through some hard times last night, I was so glad to have her to talk to and she gave me some comfort when I needed it most, so thank you. I told Cinder to look for Dixie and tell her that her mama loves her very much.

I love you Cinder, always will. You were the sweetest girl there ever was.

Cinder's Mama

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Rae I am so glad you were able to recreate your post! I have been thinking about you a lot. I still love that picture of you and Cinder. I hope you are having as good of a day as can be expected. Today is a rough one for me for some reason. Much love to you.

Well it has been two days since we lost Cinder. I don't feel much better, maybe a little, but not much. Everything in my house reminds me in some way of her. I keep trying to fill her water bowl up. The first night without her was very rough. I kept thinking I needed to kiss and love her goodnight. I finally walked back to the woods where she is buried and told her goodnight and then went back to the house and wept into her doggy bed. My dad put up a lighted cross at her grave and we can see it shining from the house. He wants to eventually get her some type of marker.

I gave Danny (boyfriend) all of her leftover food and treats to give to his dog, Max (also a black lab). I broke down packing up her food, it was so hard to give it away. I looked through pictures all day yesterday and my dad talked me into making a scrapbook so I hope to get started on that soon. Danny finally talked me into going to dinner and a movie. It was nice to get out of the house and try and get my mind off of things, but I still felt a dull pain in midst of everything. I broke down on the way home because I knew she wouldn't be there waiting for me. My mom is still pretty weepy too. She bonded with Cinder in her later years. I was living in an on campus apartment my last 2 years of college and both my dad and brother were working the night shifts. So it was just my mom and Cinder at home. She said she talked to Cinder all the time and Cinder got her through being alone every night. She misses her deeply too. I know my dad does as well. He just hides it. I caught him looking at puppies online last night, but he knows we're not ready for that yet.

I just wish I could hold her and kiss her one last time. But of course, that one last time would never be enough.

I love you, angel.

Cinder's Mama

Dear Raerae......Again I am so sorry for your loss. I am crying as I read your story again....That is such a beautiful picture of you and Cinder.

You are still in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you are doing better. It will take lots of time to feel better.

Hugs,

LoveMyMickey

I have been thinking about you a lot tonight Rae. Earlier today I was sitting outside and there were two clouds that looked to me like the shapes of two labradors. Was it Cinder and Dixie giving me a sign they were together and playing? I don't really know but I like to think they are together. I hope you have a peaceful night and I am sending all my love to your family.

Oh Kristina, that is such a wonderful thought. I know in my heart that they must be. I keep waiting for a "sign" so that I know she's okay, but haven't seen it yet. I should probably stop trying to look. My mom saw a big black butterfly flying in the flower bed where Cinder loved to lay (and tramp through the bushes like a dinosaur), was it her? I don't know, but my mom was convinced. I spent all day looking at pictures. I think I'm going to make a scrapbook. I literally have 100s of pictures. I searched for this one pic all day of me holding her when she was a tiny puppy. I couldn't find it anywhere and I got so upset. I ended up finding it on the last place I looked. I'll post it soon. I've broke down a few times today. I guess that's better than crying all day right? Maybe tomorrow will be easier. Thanks for your thoughts. Always thinking of you and sweet Dixie. Thank you to everyone else also for your kind words. I'm so glad I found this forum.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

Hi, Rae, as our other wonderful friends have mentioned, I too wish to thank you for re-creating your topic with the wonderful picture of you and your precious Cinder. That is a beautiful picture, and a memory you will forever treasure.

Rae, this grief journey is one of adjustment. I'm so very glad you were able to give your boyfriend Cinder's food, yet I share how difficult this was for you. When my first canine companion Samson joined the angels I took his food to the shelter. I was okay driving there knowing that I was doing the right thing but as I was driving up to the shelter I started feeling the wave of deep sorrow begin to swell, and by the time I got the food out of the car and was taking it over to the animal control officer I was in deep gut-wrenching tears I couldn't even talk. I just handed him the bag with all the food in it and walked away as quickly as I could. When my Oslo joined the angels the setting was different - - I returned his unopened food to PetsMart, but the experience was the same.

The food is an important gift to others - - and your precious Cinder is so very proud of you for thinking of others at this very deep sorrowful moment - - when you are wishing with all your heart that your precious Cinder were still physically with you and able to enjoy this food which was bought for HER. But this is the ONLY "immediate" decision you need to make, Rae.

Making a scrapbook is always a good way to offer yourself a path to remembering your precious Cinder's earthly journey with you and your family and friends. I found it very comforting as I worked on scrapbooks for each of my beloved compainons, and with my Oslo and Abbygayle I did video slide shows set to music, and shared them with family, friends, and made copies of them for their vets and vet techs - - who also deeply appreciated them. I hope you will find making a scrapbook of your precious Cinder as comforting for you as I have found it to be for me.

Rae, this adjustment journey is often compared to a horror roller coaster ride - -there are so many ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds - - sometimes it feels like there is no end to it. I assure you, Rae, one day when you least expect it - - you will find yourself thinking of your precious Cinder and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling, - - and your heart will be warmed by her sweet Living Spirit softly saying to you - - "yes, mom - - that's what I want - - I want you to be happy so that you can feel me always with you." It's just going to take healing time, Rae, one day at a time - - one moment at a time - - but I promise you it will happen.

Rae, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, as are your mom and dad. I hope today is being kind to each of you, and please know I am looking forward to knowing you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Rae I am always looking for a sign. To the point that I am definitely trying too hard. When I was sitting outside yesterday I wasn't really thinking about anything, and looked up and saw the clouds.

We could never plant anything nice because as soon as we got something in the ground she would go stomp all over it then smile because she was really proud of herself.

I saw something somewhere where you can get personalized photo albums, the one I saw was really cute. It had the name and bunches of bones and paw prints and hearts all over it, I will see if I can find it again.

I hope you are doing as well as can be today. You are never far from my thoughts. Sending all my love my friend.

Thanks y'all. Today was a pretty good day. We all went to church and it was so hard to make myself get up and do something, but I did. We all talked about Cinder all day and laughed and teared up a little. I even kind of looked at puppies with my dad. He's dying for another beautiful black lab, but I just don't know yet. I felt guilty even looking at the pictures. We all know there will never be another Cinder. I even wonder if I will ever have that same kind of bond with another animal?

I still keep trying to fill her water bowls up and I almost dropped some leftover steak in her food bowl, but caught myself. It's just so hard. I go visit her and talk to her at least once a day. I miss her so much. I crawled in her doggy bed again last night and just smelling it brought so much sadness back. It has stormed everyday since she passed. Which is weird because she HATED storms. She would crawl under my bed or go hide in the bathroom. So now, every time it storms of course I think of her and probably always will.

Moon_beam, thank you for your comforting words as always. It gives me hope to know that you have felt how I feel and that I will get through this and be able to think of my girl without pain and sadness. Sometimes I think of a funny memory like her as a puppy jumping through a window screen and laugh and cry at the same time.

Kristina, thank you for your thoughts. My mom said she saw that black butterfly flying across our big kitchen window today, but of course as soon as I turned around to look, it was gone. Maybe we just have a lot of black butterflies around here? I don't know, but I've never noticed them before. I saw a really cute idea for a scrapbook where they had used the dog's collar as a fastener, but I'm not sure if I can find the right kind of book. I've also thought about finding one that has a print on it like you described. I'll probably go look around tomorrow.

I guess I better try and get to sleep, I have to drag myself to the doctor for physical therapy tomorrow morning (bad back). It feels weird to be doing normal things. I also have decided to go on our camping trip this weekend. We'll see how that goes...

Much love to you all.

Cinder's Mama

"I felt guilty even looking at the pictures. I even wonder if I will ever have that same kind of bond with another animal?"

Hi, Rae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. It is normal to feel uncomfortable looking at pictures of furkids anticipating a new home right now. It's all a part of trying to reconcile the grief and adjustment to the "new normal" - - the absence of your beloved Cinder's physical presence. Some folks find adopting a new companion quickly is helpful for them. Some folks prefer to wait until their grief has eased. Some folks - - for whatever reason - - elect to not adopt at all. And some folks find it helpful to pet sit or foster companions while they are adjusting to their "new normal".

Each beloved companion is a precious, unique individual, and the relationships that we have with each of our companions is unique. Therefore, to answer your question about having the same kind of bond with another companion as you had with Cinder - - probably not. But different isn't bad - - it's just different and unique. But you will love a new companion deeply and richly - - and whoever your new companion may be - - he / she will have his / her own special place in your heart. When you're ready to welcome a new companion into your heart you will know it, Rae - - in your own time.

Rae, I'm so sorry that you are having back problems. I hope the physical therapy will be of some help to you. Sometimes a change of scenery - - the camping trip - - is helpful, and I hope you will enjoy the camping trip with your friends and boyfriend.

Rae, I hope this evening will be kind to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I'm feeling a little better day by day, but there are still hard moments and I know there will still be hard days. I am trying to keep myself busy which sometimes makes me feel guilty. Yesterday morning was hard and emotional for me for some reason. I just didn't want to get up. But I did and I did get some good news about receiving a job for this fall while I go to school. I visited Cinder yesterday and there was a black butterfly flying all around me. It looked so happy and free. I like to think it was Cinder, but who knows. I ordered a scrapbook to start working on too. I still find her black hairs everywhere. Sometimes they make me smile, sometimes they make me cry. I just miss her so much.

I am going to busy myself with camping stuff, we are leaving Thursday. Thanks to everyone for listening.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

Rae I am so glad you are doing ok. I still find Dixie's hairs everywhere and like you, I either smile or cry. I pulled a bag down from our closet the other day that we used for dog supplies when we went on vacations and her hair was everywhere.

I hope you have fun camping, hopefully it cools off a bit for you. That is so great about the job. We are still waiting for some good news for our little family so hopefully something happens soon. When does school start back for you? For me it is August 22nd. I am also taking two grad level classes, which will be a new experience for me.

I have never seen a black butterfly. Maybe it is Cinder's way of letting you know she is ok, that she is still around you.

I hope the days keep getting better for both of us. I am always thinking about you and your family. Much love to you my friend.

Hi, Rae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Adding my congratulations to Kristina's about your job. This is very exciting news, and I am so glad for you.

Butterflies are considered a symbol of new life - - rebirth - -. Although I, too, have never seen a black butterfly, it is an awesome thought that the black butterflies you are seeing now are a way of your precious Cinder letting you know she is enjoying her new life without the painfulness of her physical body -- and is thanking you for all your unselfish, eternal love. She knows it saddens you deeply right now to adjust your life without her precious physical presence, but is trying to reassure you that she is always with you - - forever a part of you. What a wonderful blessing!!

I'm glad you found a scrapbook you like so that you begin putting it together for your beloved Cinder. I hope you will find it comforting working on it, and that it will help you to focus on your earthly journey together, as well as helping you to know that she always beside you and within you - - she is always a heartbeat close to you.

Rae, I hope you will have a very pleasant and peaceful camping trip with your friends and boyfriend, and that you will have good weather for it. I hope you and your mom and dad will have a very peaceful evening. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Rae, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Rae, you sound like you are hanging in there, and I'm glad to hear it. I am trying to do that myself. You and I lost our furbabies in such close proximity! I hear you about looking for "signs". I'm glad you keep seeing that black butterfly, it seems like a sign to me! I hope that is something of a comfort to you. I'm still waiting for some type of sign...

You and Cinder are in my thoughts. Wishing you a peaceful heart!

Thank you all for your kind words. Today has been crazy. My dad had to have an emergency appendectomy this morning. My mom took him to the ER last night and we figured it was his appendix. But he is doing really well and should come home tomorrow. He was pretty out of it when I got there after his surgery, but he mumbled Cinder's name several times (along with some other funny stuff) so I'm guessing he's been thinking of her a lot. It made me smile and tear up of course.

We had a bottle of Cinder's insulin left that my god-mother will be able to use for her diabetic dog. My mom called and left her a message about the insulin and she called back crying. She stayed here one morning in late May to prepare for my brother's wedding reception at our house while we were at the church. She said she and Cinder had a good time and she found herself talking to sweet Cinder the whole time. She told my mom today through tears that she could tell that Cinder was so happy and loved her life and her home. It made me smile and I felt happy to know that my wonderful baby had this effect on others not just me and my family.

I went to lunch with a friend before I headed to the hospital today and we reminisced about Cinder. She has been my friend for a long time and was there when I brought Cinder home. She talked about how I called her screaming that she had to come over NOW because I had a PUPPY (I was 10)!! We talked a lot about when we were younger and wherever we went, Cinder was right there with us. Even before Cinder, I always had a dog around me. Lady followed my brother and I around everywhere, mom called her our babysitter. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Lady Bell, but that's another story for another day Anyways, my point is that it is very different to not have a dog around me. This is the first time in my life I haven't owned a dog and it's very hard to get used to, I'm not sure that I ever would get used to it. I can't stand being home alone anymore because the silence is so LOUD. I miss my Cinderella. Until next time friends, thanks for listening.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

I just realized tomorrow is Thursday and it will be one week. I have been so crazy today that I didn't even know what day it was! It saddens me to think that a week ago, I was spending my last night with my sweet puppy dog. That was the hardest, but also the most precious night of my life so far, if that makes sense. I can't believe she has only been gone a week, it seems like it has been an eternity.

I miss you sweet girl.

Cinder's Mama

Dear, dear Cinder's mama,

I am sending you love and peace on the one week anniversary of Cinder's passing. May the good & happy memories of a gorgeous, incredible girl fill your heart with light. And may the other memories that must surely flood by remind you that you loved and were loved by one of God's most magnificent creatures!

You and Cinder will be in my thoughts and my heart, especially tomorrow, but always.

Friday will be mine & Trevor's 1 week anniversary.

Love to you!
Bobbie

And another strange thing that makes our lives so very similar. I had surgery today too, although it wasn't emergency.

I can't type alot right now, but wanted you to know I am thinking about you. Tomorrow marks one week for you, and 4 weeks for me without our beautiful black girls. I had a sign from Dixie this morning, it's in my thread, and I hope the black butterflies keep coming around you.

Have fun on your camping trip, it will be good for you to get away for a bit.

Always thinking about you my friend, sending my love to you.

Thanks y'all. Today has been okay so far. I've kept myself pretty busy packing for our trip. This morning was hard, I kept playing Cinder's last moments in my mind. I went and visited her today and sure enough when I turned around to walk back to the house, that black butterfly flew right up to me startling me a bit! I actually laughed and smiled about it.

I forgot to mention that I went over to Danny's house Tuesday night. I was a little apprehensive about seeing his black lab, Max. When I walked in the door, Max was standing right there waiting and I was okay at first. I had brought him some leftover steak and gave him a few bites. When I got down in the floor and started loving on him, I lost it. He started licking my face and when I really looked in his big brown eyes, they reminded me of Cinder's eyes. I figured I would cry when I saw him, he is the first dog I had been around since Cinder passed. Danny told me he figured that would happen too and gave me a big hug. After I cried for a minute, I realized Max had gotten sad too so i got back down with him and loved on him, laughing at his goofy self through my tears.

I hope you all have a wonderful and safe weekend and I will post when I return on Sunday. Thank you all for being here.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

Hi, Rae, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. Each day - - each thing we do during this first year of our adjutment journey - - will be a "first" to remind us over and over again that our beloved companion is no longer physically with us. Max can never ever fill your heart as your beloved Cinder does, but I know your Cinder would want Max to be a source of comfort to you.

I hope you, David, and your friends will have a very good camping trip, and please remember that your beloved Cinder is now joining you in all of your activities - - sharing your earthly jounrey in real time. So, don't be surprised if you hear softly singing along with the camp fire songs.

Rae, thank you again so much for sharing your beloved Cinder with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and am looking forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Rae,

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you, on your precious Cinder's one-week 'Angel-versary'.

I'm glad you managed to go to your boyfriends, and get to see Max. I completely understand how agonizing it must have been for you, but you should feel so proud of yourself for getting through another 'hurdle'. I know Cinder is proud of you. Take one small step at a time, that's all you can do.

I hope you manage to enjoy your camping trip. Please know that your beautiful girl is with you wherever you are, whatever you do. There are no earthly boundaries restricting her now.

Take care of yourself,
Cheryl x

Hi, Rae, just stopping by to say hello to let you know you, and your mom and dad are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you were able to enjoy your camping trip this weekend, and that you were able to feel your beloved Cinder's sweet Living Spirit there with you keeping you faithful company.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Rae, and I will look forward to knowing how things are going for you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Rae

I'm sorry to learn of the loss of your beautiful Cinder. The photo you posted of you and Cinder is lovely and happy. A special memory that you can always cherish.

I lost my Bruno on January 5 this year and now, while memories of him are often in my mind, I've learned to embrace all the sadness I've had over him, absorb it, and naturally process it into a more positive outlook. I guess what I'm saying is, as time goes on after our initial shock and grief, instead of feeling like we're getting further away from our loved ones, in a way we are almost getting closer. Cinder will become more and more a part of you like never before, as Bruno is becoming with me.

Cinder's love for you really comes across in that photo. She looks like such a lovable friend.

Take gentle care of yourself.

Peter

Rae

I hope your camping trip is going well. I just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and hope you are having the best time. i also hope your dad is feeling better after his surgery. I bet Cinder and Dixie are having so much fun watching you enjoy yourself on your trip. They know it will do you so much good.

Sending my love to you my friend, and to your whole family.

Hi all,

We made it back safe and sound yesterday afternoon. We had a blast, but it was difficult coming home and not having Cinder there to get all excited and sniff everything down. Danny even said it felt weird and he wished she was there so they could curl up and take a nap. It was nice to have a change of scenery and (sort of) get my mind off of things. I still thought about her a lot and we even had a black butterfly hanging around our camp. I teared up a few times, but managed to hold it together. I was even able to play with a friends yellow lab, Saddler. We played fetch and swam in the river. I think she helped some. I cried last night before bed thinking of Cinder. I almost feel like she is slipping farther away from me and I don't know why. Maybe it's just my way of getting through this, but I still always think of her.

Peter, thank you for your kind words. I love that video of your sweet Bruno. He was so handsome and he looks so happy! His gray whiskers remind me of Cinder when she was older. I do hope that I start feeling closer to Cinder instead of farther away.

Cheryl, thank you for your sweet words. It is a comfort to think of Cinder being with me every step of the way now. I know she had a blast on the camping trip.

As always, thank you Kristina and moon_beam for your thoughts. You guys have helped me so much. Kristina, I hope you are feeling better after your surgery. My dad is doing pretty well, he's up and walking around a lot.

Thanks again to y'all and everyone on this board.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

"I almost feel like she is slipping farther away from me and I don't know why."


Hi, Rae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and how things went on your camping trip. When our hearts are grieving it is hard to feel our beloved companions close to us - - for our hearts are in the full force of adjusting to the loss of their physical presence with us. Hopefully as your deep grief eases you will begin to be able to feel your beloved Cinder's sweet Living Spirit with you in your heart.

I firmly believe the black butterfly is Cinder's way of letting you know that she is with you. It's one thing for you to see them so active in your own property - - but truly awesome for you to see them on your camping trip. If this isn't Cinder's way of letting you know she is with you I'll eat my hat!!!

Rae, it is an honor and a privilege to be among our friends here on this Forum to try to offer you some comfort, support, and encouragement during your adjustment journey. I hope today is being kind to you, and your mom and dad, and that each of you will have a very peaceful evening. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Rae, and look forward to knowing how you and your mom and dad are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Rae, I'm so glad you had fun on your camping trip. Sometimes it is nice to have something to be distracted by so we can "escape" the deep grief for a while. It makes me happy to hear you also had a black butterfly at your campsite. I truly think thats Cinder hanging out with you!

I totally get how hard it is to come home from a trip, and back to the reality of our situations. It's tough not to think about the other times we've returned home from a trip when our furbabies were still alive, and how they would react to our homecoming. It seems like everything now is a comparison to "when she was alive" and now...and that's very tough. As we continue to experience the different "firsts" after our losses, I'm so thankful to know I'm not alone in how I am feeling and grieving.

You and Cinder are often in my thoughts! Hang in there!

Well today was just okay. I felt a little blue and unmotivated to do anything. It has been really hard to get out of bed lately. Cinder always woke up early with my mom and once she went to work, Cinder usually (loudly) busted my door open if I wasn't already up and she was wanting me to wake up. I am NOT a morning person, but of course I always got up for her. I miss her so much. I thought I saw her laying in our dining room earlier today.

I am reading a book called A Dog's Purpose by W. Bruce Cameron. It is such a sweet book and is written from the view of a dog. I read a part of it last night where the dog talks about how his sole purpose in life was to love "his boy" and make him happy and stuff like that. I broke down because it made me think of Cinder (the dog thinks all of this right before he dies). The dog in the book says he would never want the boy to cry over his death and be unhappy because of him. I think that is exactly how Cinder feels, but I cried over her for a while last night. I wonder if this will ever get any easier. I have a stuffed black dog that I have had ever since I was born (you think I was always meant to have a big black dog?) and I've slept with it almost every single night of my life. I have been hugging it so close to me every night, it comforts me a little bit.

My mom and I talked about puppies again tonight. I think we have all decided we want another lab. I told her I thought I was almost ready. I'm not sure she is though. I think she still can't get past the "replacement" feeling. I told her Cinder would want us to be happy, not sad over her, but I'm just not sure yet either. I think dad has been ready for another dog, but we might wait until he is better healed from his surgery.

Cinder, mama loves you and always will. You'll always be my #1 girl and soul mate. We grew up together and no dog can ever replace our time with each other. I will never ever share the same bond with another animal as I did with you. But I will always give them all my love and hopefully bond with them in different ways throughout my life. I know that is what you would want. I love you stinky head.

Much love to you all.

Cinder's Mama

Hi, Rae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you, and your mom and dad are doing. You are so right, Rae, that the bond you have with your beloved Cinder cannot be replaced. Cinder shared your life during a different time with different needs. Each of our beloved companions come into our lives at different stages in our lives, so no two or three or - - fifty - - relationships with our beloved companions can ever be the same. When you and your mom are as ready as your dad to embrace a new companion you will know it - - and your beloved Cinder will guide you and your new companion together.

I hope today is being kind to you, Rae, and that you and your mom and dad will have a very peaceful evening. Please know each of you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi rae. Im glad you got to have fun camping. Cinder would be happy that you were able to get out and have some fun. Im going to have to looke into that book. It sounds like it would be alot of fun to be in a dogs head as he runs around all day. I know that when yall are ready for a new dog cinder will be there with you the whole time. Helping look after the new guy or girl. Heck I know cowboy will be there with cinder helping. Well have a good night and know that I keep you and cinder in my thoughts.

Thanks so much y'all. Your comforting words mean more than you will ever know. I've been okay today. I broke down last night. I was walking Danny out to his truck and thought he was leaving so i walked back to see Cinder. I figured Danny would follow me if he saw me walk back there. I cried and talked to her some and Danny hugged me and told me some comforting words. He said "you gotta let her go (physically), but you know she's always right here in your heart." He's so right, I know she is with me all the time. I just want to hold her and feel her and smell her again. The house feels so empty all the time. I am starting to feel a little less depressed though I know I will have good days and bad days.

Thank you all for being here and listening. I hope everyone is doing well.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

PS. Cowboy, the book is great. I find myself laughing out loud at it. It is also very touching and sweet. I would definitely recommend it.

Hi, Rae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. This adjustment journey has often been described as a horror roller coaster ride - - so many ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds. Just when you think you're past the spirals and upside downs - - and it feels like you're slowing down - - something can come along to speed up the ride again. The good news is that slowly eventually the ride does become much slower, and the intervals of the spirals and turnarounds become more spaced out. This adjustment journey is not one of "letting go" - - but adjusting to the physical absence of our beloved companions. This is not an easy process by any stretch of the imagination - - it takes time - - one day at a time - - in your own way and your own time. For some there is a need to have some "connection" - - and they find comfort in being able to have their beloved companion in a beautiful resting place where they can go visit. Rae, you must do what is comforting for YOU, and whatever that decision is, my friend, please know your beloved Cinder is nodding her head in approval and sending you all her love. And you will always have our support, encouragement, and comfort, too.

I hope you and your mom and dad will have a very peaceful evening, and a pleasant weekend. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Rae, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi all,

Sorry I haven't posted in a bit. I think I have a sinus infection and have been a little under the weather. I'll probably go to the doc tomorrow blah. Anyways, I've been okay the past few days. Had a few breakdowns. Friday night, I was looking at puppies online and cried. It just breaks my heart to see all of the dogs abandoned and without a home, I wish I could take them all. Somehow I stumbled upon the Rainbow Bridge poem and of course it made me sob. I could just think of Cinder running and playing with her youthful body, but still feeling that a part of her is missing. That's how I feel. It's like I'm going about my life, but I still feel the ache inside. It seems to hit me at random moments. I can just imagine us running and crashing into each other again one day.

I am struggling with the "replacement" feelings. I don't want to feel like the new puppy is replacing Cinder and I'm not sure how to get past those feelings. There will never be another girl like her and I guess I can't get over that she won't ever be back. Sometimes I feel as if she is just gone away somewhere and will be back soon.

Mom and dad are doing okay. I think mom is more ready for a puppy now. She has been looking online a lot. Dad seems a little depressed after his surgery; maybe he's wanting a puppy too.

I hope you are all having a wonderful weekend and I am always thinking of everyone. I'm going to add the Rainbow Bridge poem in case someone has never read it. It comforted me to think I will see my baby again one day.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama



When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

Hi, Rae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I'm so sorry you're not feeling well - - a sinus infection can indeed make one feel "blah." I hope your doctor is able to help speed up the process for you to feel better.

Rae, the "feeling of replacement" will eventually ease when your heart has come to find a peace in your adjustment journey. It's just a matter of taking one day at a time and allowing yourself to go through your journey in your own way and in your own time. You and Cinder shared a very special bond that was only between you two, just as Cinder shared her own special and different bond between your mom and dad.

I hope your dad is doing okay. Sometimes anesthesia can bring feelings of sadness / depression. It takes awhile for the full effects of anestheia to work out of the body - - I've had enough surgeries in my life to identify with how your dad may be feeling. I hope he's doing well in his recovery.

Thank you for sharing the Rainbow Bridge poem. I cannot read it without sobbing, too. But it does bring comfort and hope to the heart that one day - - at our appropriate time - - we will be reunited with our beloved companion(s) in eternal joy. Thank you so much for including this poem in your note to us.

Rae, I hope today is being kind to you, and that you, and your mom and dad, will have a very peaceful evening. Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, Rae, and always look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Rae. Yeah I love that poem too. It was first shown to me the day cowboy passed and it still makes me cry. A little funny story, I posted on facebook about my cowboys passing and on one of my posts a friend of mine said something about him waiting at the rainbow bridge for me. I took it as a religious view at the time because of the whole norse mythology having a rainbow bridge in it but later that day I was with some friends and one of them was telling me about this poem and she said it was entitled the rainbow bridge. Thats when I first got to read it. So I told my friend on facebook later that I loved the poem. I dont know anything to tell you about the replacement thing. I myself am afraid of that feeling too. I think given some time we will see other furry friends as being individuals with their own loving personalities instead of seeing our lost loved ones in them. I hope your sinus infection gets better soon. I get those on a regular basis and get to go a few rounds with antibiotics. Well I hope you have a good night.

That poem always gets me. Our doggy funeral home sent us home with a bunch of poems, and I framed them and put them on the shelves with Dixie's urn and belongings.

I feel you 100% on the new dog thing. Taking the first step and filling out applications was really hard for me, but I know in my heart that I am ready. In turn it keeps my mind from being sad all the time. I think about what it will be like to bring our new puppy home, and all the things we will do with her, training her and playing with her, and everything. I admit I am getting pretty excited. I am on pins and needles waiting to hear back if we will get one of the two we have applied for.

I am glad all of you are feeling more ready for a new dog. I think the whole family has to be at that point, or else someone will feel bad. I think Aj was ready before I was, but he was waiting for the go ahead from me before we started seriously looking. We knew we wanted another lab, but that she definitely could not be black. It is way too soon for that.

When your family finds the right one, you will know, and I know you know that.

I hope you are feeling better. I have been getting stuffy due to the weather, it is blazing hot, then will cool off and get incredibly humid and gross. I am definitely ready for fall.

I am always thinking about you and your family. Much love to you.

Well I'm struggling a bit today. My dad is finally starting to get back to his old self. We went to see Cinder last night and walking back he asked me when I wanted to get a dog. I told him I was ready whenever they were. He is being picky though! We are struggling with the decision of a shelter dog or a pure bred pup. I have been looking at the shelter dogs and although I would love to have them all, none of them are really "catching" my eye. Maybe I'm being too picky? I just don't know. I know I'm ready to let a new dog into my life, but why is it so hard to pick one? I have absolutely fallen in love with some Weimaraner puppies, but again I feel the guilt of not "rescuing" a shelter dog. Anyone have any advice?

And then I think about Cinder and how there will never be another. It's just tough to swallow sometimes.

On a good note, I finally got her scrapbook in the mail today so I can start working on it. It is just a plain white book as of now. I plan on painting it tonight and then sifting through pictures to pick my favorites. That will be hard because I love them all.

I hope everyone is doing well!

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

Rae if you guys want another Labrador there are tons and tons of labby rescues all over the place. I get on petfinder, and then I also look at individual rescue pages. Shelters don't always post all of the dogs they currently have, so maybe taking a trip to see what they have would be good. The only reason we haven't gone to look at the shelter yet is because I am not feeling up to it yet, plus we have applications in on the two girls already.

I can't wait to see what your scrapbook looks like when it is done. I spent a lot of time today looking through pictures of Dixie.

I am glad your family is ready to move forward. It's hard, but it will be rewarding in the end when that new baby comes home. Cinder will be happy that you are sharing your love with another in need.

Thinking about you always.

Hello RaeRae

Follow your heart! Do NOT feel guilty about choosing the Weimareiner (sp?) puppies instead of a rescue dog! I know that probably flies in the faces of many people, especially animal lovers. I think it's a matter of the heart. When that rush of love comes over you it's not an accident ... it means something. Of course we dog lovers can love any dog ... but somehow I trust that totally irrational feeling you get in your heart over one particular dog. That's how I came to have Rufus after my Gretta passed. Gretta is the first dog I have had as an adult - she is truly my spirit double. After all that emptiness, all that love with nowhere to put it, like many others I looked on the web site of the rescue agency from which I'd adopted Gretta. Here was Rufus ... his eyes were incredible ... they looked at you right out of the picture. But I'm only a couple of years from a fixed income (as they say) and vet bills being what they are, I was looking for an older dog (Rufus's write-up said he was a 7 year old black lab weighing about 90 pounds). So I tried another local site and they had an 'emergency dog' - a nine-year old Chessie-Chocolate lab mix (so they said). i thought that would be perfect - Gretta was a chocolate lab and my other 'best dog' was a Chessie who lived next door to my dad. Everything seemed right. Until I met the dog. No lab blood that I could see. I think she was a chessie and some kind of large terrier. Stong, a puller - but I can cope with that. But ... she attacked the store owner's mild mannered boxer and earlier that day had been unable to be placed in an foster home b/c she'd done the same thing to the foster's 11-year-old lab! (WHO cannot get along with a lab, particularly an elderly one!). It wasn't a "match". I felt I couldn't guarantee my own safety let alone the safety of others around me with this dog.

Back I went to the first site and here was Rufus, staring out at me still. Something in me snapped (in a good way) and I just had to have him. Because I'm known to the agency, I didn't have to go through the usual rigmarole of qualifying .... I practically begged the head of the agency to NOT let Rufus get adopted the following Saturday at an adoption event. Rufus lived in Wisconsin (I'm in MN) so the foster mom and I arranged a time to meet and I could take Rufus home. Big surprise! He's part Newfie (says my vet) and could knock off a few pounds at 102#!! He has the hugest ears and paws I've even seen. Even though he has some pretty meaningful neurological problems (giving him shaky legs), I knew he was the one for me. A boy dog is SO different from a girl dog and it's taken me some getting attuned to ... but I know we're meant to be together. Rufus is psychic about one and only one thing: when I'm crying at the computer (usually when I'm on Lightning Strike) he'll awaken even out of a sound sleep and come lumbering over and stick his (rather large) nose between me and the table and do the snuffing-and-snorting routine. If I don't give up, he gives one or two big, deep barks - not exactly welcomed in an urban fourplex!

I know the decision to get another dog will be a family decision for you and I know you'll make the absolute right one. Whatever you do WILL be the right path to take. Cinder is constantly present in, among others, the form of black butterflies. (I didn't even know there WAS such a thing - it's definitely Ms. Cinderella hovering about - same as she did when she was in this mortal world. As my vet (the ultimate man of science) said about Gretta, "She's in a safe place now." Those words, coming from that person, blew me away and continue to do so. Cinder, too, is in a safe place now - waiting, playing, wondering, guiding you on the right paths and ,most importantly, loving you and being loved by you. Love is forever - in both directions. You WILL be reunited. This I KNOW!

In peace and love,

Gretta's mom

Hi, Rae, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. Rae, whichever way you look at it - - if you adopt a shelter dog or a "blue blood" - - you are "rescuing" them by giving whichever touches your heart to embrace them as a lifetime companion. So, as Gretta's mom said, follow your heart - - you can't go wrong doing that - - and this is precisely what your beloved Cinder would want you to do.

I'm glad you have received the scrapbook to begin your loving memorial for Cinder. I think once you begin it you will find a peace come into your heart - - hopefully, - - as I found when I worked on scrapbooks and video slideshows for my beloved furkids who are now with the angels. There is no "rule" as to which pictures you choose - - choose them ALL if you want to - - make that scrapbook as big as you want to - - whichever way your heart leads you to make it. And, as you feel a peace come into your heart, I am hoping you will also be able to know that Cinder is saying, "it's okay, mom - - you have so much love to give - - go ahead and enjoy the company of new companion. I'm always with you, I always love you - - and equally important I know you always and forever love me."

Rae, I hope you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Cinder's sweet Living Spirit to comfort and cheer you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and am looking forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear RaeRae, When I thought about getting another cat child I fully intended to get a rescue kitten, there are so many of them...I saw my new Purszival in a pet shop, the last place i wanted to get a kitten from, but that surge of feeling when I saw him, and then when he threw himself back on my shoulder, purring, outdid all my good moral intentions...our heart knows what it knows, I'm sure Cinders is there guiding every decision - there will never be another Cinders, just like there will never be another Mischief, but there are entirely new little souls just waiting to meet you, and again, I'm sure Cinders will play a role in guiding you to them...I'm so glad you got your scrap book, I'm sure you will have tears and smiles as you compile your memories, but making this creative memoir of your Cinders is such a positive, healing thing to do, it definitely needs to feature that big black butterfly your girl has sent you! I really hope it's getting a little easier for you, sending you some hugs today Leejaye PS I love weimaraners too!

Hi all,

Thank you all for your kind responses. I'm still on the fence about what dog to get. I have kind of decided to leave it up to my parents as this dog will really be their dog since I will (hopefully) be moving out one day and since my dad is retired and home a lot. I know he wants another lab puppy; I can just tell. So I think that is probably what will happen. We have a few people that have lab puppies so I'm just sort of waiting on him to call them. I still feel some guilt about it though. Maybe once I see the puppies I won't though, I don't know. I guess one day when I have my own family I can rescue a few babies of my own. One of the people has a "white" lab which I've never heard of, could be interesting.

Anyway, I have been working on picking out pictures for Cinder's book. Man, it is hard to pick just a few!! I love them all! I finally got the front cover finished tonight and I think it looks pretty good. I'll post a pic of it soon and see what y'all think. I'm just trying to take my time on it and enjoy the memories. I have been a tiny bit weepy today looking through her puppy pictures and thinking of a new puppy in our house. I still miss her so much and feel that ache whenever I think of her.

Tomorrow (technically today I guess) will be three weeks...it still seems like it has been an eternity without her.

I miss you binky bear. Mama loves you.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

Well dad and I are going to look at puppies this evening. My mom is really wanting the white lab. She says after our first dog, Lady, passed she had dreams about a white lab and that has always stuck with her. So maybe this dog is supposed to be her dog who knows. I'm a little emotional right now. Just the anticipation is making me a little nervous I guess. My dad is talking about maybe getting a white and black one, we have plenty of room. So maybe this will work out. I will keep y'all updated. Thanks for being here as always.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

"I'm still on the fence about what dog to get. I have kind of decided to leave it up to my parents as this dog will really be their dog since I will (hopefully) be moving out one day and since my dad is retired and home a lot. I still feel some guilt about it though. Maybe once I see the puppies I won't though, I don't know."

Hi, Rae, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. The uncertainty you are feeling is very normal. Although you will probably enjoy the company of the new youngsters, the bond that you will develop with them will be entirely different from the bond your mom and dad will have with them. And that's okay. This doesn't mean you won't care about them - - it just means that your relationship with them will be different.

I'm so glad you're finding some comfort working on your beloved Cinder's scrapbook. I will look forward to seeing the picture of the cover you have designed. I know what you mean when you say "I have been a tiny bit weepy today looking through her puppy pictures and thinking of a new puppy in our house. I still miss her so much and feel that ache whenever I think of her." I know as you look through the pictures you wonder how could the years pass so quickly - - just yesterday my Cinder did this, learned this, needed this - - and so on - - and the ache to have every moment of those years back again - - and more - - with her physically with you. This grief journey is a challenge adjusting to the "new normal" - - of transitioning our relationship to embrace their sweet Living Spirit when our arms ache to embrace their physical bodies. I assure you that no matter how much passes in your earthly journey that your beloved Cinder continues to share your earthly journey just as she always has and always will.

Rae, I hope your and your dad's visit with the puppies will find you coming home with a bundle of joy. Wish I could you send you pink and / or blue booties for the new family members as a "baby shower". I hope this trip will be a peaceful one for you, my friend. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Rae, and will look forward to sharing your news.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Well what a night! We drove about 45 minutes to look at the pups. The guys were really nice and they had 6 puppies and mom and dad there and they also raise cattle. Anyways, we came home with two! A black boy and white/yellow girl. The boy is Axel (my mom's maiden name is Axelson and so she's always wanted a boy dog with this name) and we debated forever on the girl, but finally decided on Nala. Their mama was such a good mama! I have never seen a mama dog so attentive and tolerant of her puppies. She was a stray that someone dropped off in the owner's yard. They are pretty sure she is full blooded. They already owned a black male and well I guess they hooked up. The babies were born on father's day, June 19. The daddy was pretty wild still, but very sweet. The puppies are both super sweet and haven't messed in the house yet (knocking on wood). They are tuckered out now.

I went and talked to Cinder about it before we left. I have been searching for that butterfly the past few days and haven't seen it. But sure enough, I saw a black butterfly flying through the air when we were looking at the puppies. I knew it was her. I still miss her so much. The babies sniffed her bed down and I told them all about Cinder. I have done a little more work on her book, but it is slow going. Probably because I am a perfectionist

Anyways, I'm including a pic of the cover of Cinder's book (her collar will act as a fastener for the book once it's finished) and of course a pic of Axel and Nala. Thank you to each and every one of you for your support and advice.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

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I already told you this on FB but I am so glad you got two new babies!! I also love the fact that both of us received a sign from Cinder and Dixie while we were getting our new pups. It really shows that they want us to have new babies to love in our lives. I still say you are brave to have gotten two! Lily has both Aj and I completely exhausted.

I really love the cover of her book. You have done a fantastic job. I hope you will share some of the insides when it is complete.

I am looking forward to hearing about Axel and Nala. We can swap puppy stories. Lily also hasn't had an accident in the house either. I am pretty shocked at that actually.

I think Cinder and Dixie are very happy. I bet they are together watching us with our new puppies that they guided us to. Always thinking about you and your family. Sending all my love.

Oh, my! I can't take all these cute puppies, it's making me want one so bad! They are both GORGEOUS, and I love their names. This must be such an exciting time for you, and I know your precious Cinder is just as happy and excited about her new brother and sister. Congratulations!

I love the idea about Cinder's book. I have a little memorial box for my Daisy, where I keep photographs, some of her toys that I still have, some fur clippings (she had A LOT of fur), and even things like vet bill receipts, etc. It really does help to get it out and have a look through it when I'm having a bad 'Missing Daisy Day.' I hope when your book is completed that it brings you the same comfort.

Rae, I wish you the best of luck with your new additions to the family, and please know that you and your family are in my thoughts.

Big hugs, Cheryl x

I love the pic. They are so adorable. Im happy that cinder was able to give you a message. I keep looking for ones from cowboy. I think he is a bit more subtle and just guiding my heart. The book looks awesome and I cant wait to see more of it. I wish I had enough pics to make one for cowboy. Anyways axel and nala look like a great pair and im very happy for all of you.

Hi, Rae, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. I absolutely LOVE the cover to Cinder's scrapbook, and using her collar as the fastener when it's done - - how INGENIOUS!!! This scrapbook is YOUR love tribute to the love story you and Cinder shared during her earthly journey - - AND continue to share with her sweet Living Spirit always with you in your heart and memories - - always a heartbeat close to you. So, you just be as "perfectionist" as you want to be.

Thank you so much for sharing the adorable pictures of Axel and Nala. May your home be filled with the joy of these two little fur kids, and may they be a comfort to you as your beloved Cinder would like them to be.

I hope today is being kind to you, Rae. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks everyone. They are definitely a handful, I'm exhausted, but happy. We took them to get their first shots and dewormed today. They did well at the vet. Both actually fell asleep on the table. They both checked out perfectly and our vet just loved them. He gave us lots of advice on dealing with two dogs in the household.

Nala is feeling a little bad after her shot. Anyone else have experience with that? I don't remember Cinder getting sore. Nala was shaking and yelled when I picked her up. They're both sleeping now and shes stopped shaking. She ate her food though. I also gave them a bath. Nala wasn't too interested, but maybe because she was starting to feel bad. Axel didn't mind though. Hopefully Nala will be back to her self tomorrow.

Maybe I'll get some sleep tonight I wonder if Cinder is smiling and laughing with me watching me chase these babies around. I hope she is.

I hope everyone is doing well.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama