OOOOOOOH. What a cute baby kitty!!!!!!!

She was a trouble maker as a kitten. Into EVERYTHING. Intentionally naughty. A friend of ours was on her way over to her house, and saw her and a sister cat in the middle of a busy street. So she pulled over and got them and Saki became ours. I didn't want her. I actually tried to find another home for her. We already had two cats and a dog (I never mention Bagheera, our first cat, and pet, do I? We only had him for a year... he had some behavioral problems and we were not so determined about having STRICTLY indoor cats at that point, and we let him out and... I think someone took him. That's what I tell myself anyway. I went door to door through out the neighborhood, and advertised with fliers and in the paper, and went to the pound and did everything I could to find him. But he was beautiful and I think someone took him...)

So yeah, I was looking for another home for her, then Bagheera disappeared, and I sorta lost my motivation to relocate her. Thank the stars in heaven. She was my dearest most wonderful companion.

She was a naughty kitty. And I guess had obnoxious tendencies as an adult. I don't remember. Actually, as an adult, she only did things to irritate Tim!!!!! Once she pulled all his ties off their hook and peed on them!!! But she never did stuff to irritate me.

We would have these long, drawn out conversations. I am quite fluent in Siamese (I've never quite mastered Electra's noise). She'd talk to me. Not wanting anything -- except to talk. And every night when Tim and I would sit down to watch TV, she'd curl up in my lap... always facing me. It was years before she would sit in Tim's lap (he was the play mate) but when she finally did, she would face out, facing me. If I had to get up, or shift positions, she'd adjust with me, or just wait for me to return. Then when I'd go to bed, I'd carry her off with me. She liked to sleep under covers.

Last night we went to dinner and there was a siamese scavenging in the trash bin outside. I had a talk with it, too. I haven't forgotten Siamese, yet. She was shy though and wouldn't come near. Just stood at a distance and talked...

Saki called me "mama" and Tim always said I was silly (daft!) but she really did. All of her conversations began with "Mama---"

She loved to eat. Everything. And she ate like a horse or a wolf or a pig or something. Not graceful or feline. But after we fed her, with her mouth full of food she'd always say "thank you." Tim thought I was silly on that one, too, for a long time until he finally fed her once and understood nothing would stop her from that food -- except a thank you.

I HATE that she's not here anymore. I mean, I really really really HATE it. I know I am never going to have another cat like her. And that pisses me off!!!!!

And I HATE that she had cancer and I didn't know. How could I NOT KNOW?????

And she was the baby and how could she die???? She was only 12. Cats can live much much much longer than that.

She was diabetic. Have I ever mentioned that? I guess she was diagnosed in 2000. She was not using the litter box, so I took her to the vet to find out why. The vet noticed she'd lost some weight and ran some tests. When she told me Saki was diabetic, I laughed. I thought diabetes was a "lifestyle" disease -- her lifestyle was fine. She never ate sugar, or drank and she got plenty of exercise!

So Tim and I had to give her insulin two times every day. We didn't go out much, those days, bc we had to be home to give her the insulin. And we didn't mind.
It was no big deal; that's what she needed and so that's what we did. We got where we could give the shot in under 30 seconds (including getting it out of the fridge, getting a syringe, measuring and injecting...)

Everybody always coos over electra. I could post a pic of Electra (with Sue's help) and everyone would go "Ohmigod that is the most beautiful cat..." Yeah, yeah. She is. But Saki was prettier. She was so big, she couldn't use a normal litter box, so we got a big plastic storage box at the store and cut a door in it!!!! It worked. She just needed a queen sized box for a queen like cat.

Wow, this is a long post. Sorry! I guess seeing that avatar really set me off. It's a good thing tho. Thank ya'll...

--Jennifer

thats page 4 A C T U A L L Y.

I was pushed to page 2 of the d&d topics! Even WITH 4 pages of posts!

But -- everytime I log on, it says "SJ&S" is "the leader of the forum." I think you shoudl be the leader of the pack.

Now with Sue's help, I'll post a pic of adult Saki. This was the week before she died. It's weird though -- in the hard copies I have of it, she does NOT look so unhealthy....

Ok, here is the epitome of catdom, the queen feline... our surviving cat Electra... She's 15 in this photo...
(Thanks again for your help, Sue!)

And this is a baby picture of Freyja. This was in the first month we got her, December 1988.

And here is a photo of Freyja as a grown dog.

Wow what a beautiful ball of fur…….. how did she cope in that hot weather you guys have?
Come to think of it how did you cope with brushing her.
I think Saki is definitely cuter than Electra , but then I cant see Electra’s eyes.

Love Sue

I love Electra. I do. But Saki was my soul-mate. And that dark fur around her blue eyes -- it melted me every time. I loved how big she was. And she was just gorgeous to me. Electra -- well, she's perfect. She's 15 and looks like a kitten still. And her features are just-- perfect. She looks more like a cat than a cat should (her personality is also the perfect cat stereotype...) I recognize her purrfection. But Saki was the beautiful one to me.

But thank you, Sue. I am not sure if I believe you, but thanks for TRYING!!! :-)

Brushing Freyja was not so bad. Quality time!!!! She probably did not get her first matt/knot until she was over 10. Her fur was actually quite silky and easy to brush (though it did HAVE to be brushed). Dirt also never showed up on her... We never shaved her until she was old. She was getting resistant to the brushing and she was such an old lady that I kinda let it go. Then it DID get matted and it was summer and hot, and the vet STRONGLY recommended it... So we did. That's actually how we discovered she had Cushing's -- after several months it still had not grown back. She had cushing's for 2+ years, and actually it never fully grew back. Not like it was in that photo.

Tim and I were talking about that last night. He had fuzz on his beard and I pulled it off -- and it was one of Freyja's hairs. Believe me, 14 years of vacuuming and etc up that hair -- I'd know it anywhere. I made some comment and Tim said "She's always visiting..." which was very sweet. And we talked about her and about Saki and I cried and cried. Tim feels guilty bc we were poor students when we got Frey and she had two toys, this puppet thing and a "ball sock" (ball in a sock). Now Hathor has 20 toys. Silly Tim -- they don't care about the toys or how much the toys cost. That's part of what makes them so lovely. But he feels guilty anyway.

As for the heat, Freyja HATED the heat. And she was very fair skinned under all that fur and would break out in rashes if she got too much sun. American Eskimos are bred for snow and for sledding. When it would snow she would get so excited. She would go outside and roll in it and bury her nose in it and dig with her nose in it. She was outside a LOT more in the winter than in the summer. In the summer she was an indoor dog!

Thank you for asking, Sue. Remembering still makes me cry. But it feels good at the same time.

I finally "fixed" Saki's urn today. We put her in it -- I don't know -- a month ago or something. After we got her in, though, the screw in bottom plug thing would not screw in. So she's been sitting upside down in a pitcher. (She couldn't sit on her bottom as the bottom was uneven bc the screw plug wouldn't go in...). It was very distressing. We tried oil, and pliers and etc... So finally today, I just took a hammer to the plug!!!! I felt kinda bad about doing that. Loud noises always scared her. But I couldn't figure out what else to do. Anyway, once I did that, the plug screwed right into place, tight.
I've put her back on the computer table. The urn sat there for weeks while we waited to get her cremains back and put them in the urn. Every day, I'd type out here and she'd sit and stare at me (the urn is shaped like a cat). I kinda like it. Tim wants to put her on the mantle, which is fine, I guess, but I kinda like her here where we can watch one another. I miss her so.

Also this afternoon, I've been working on her collage. I'll have to get some prints of some of the older (baby) photos, but I've got them all selected and half of them in. Actually, I just noticed that half of the pictures I selected are from the week before she died, and the other half are baby pictures (including my avatar). That's kinda funny (odd). I didn't select them that way intentionally (the beginning and the end and no middle...) I like the ones I've selected. I'm noticing also that I sort of (subconsciously) captured all of her moods/behaviors -- playing and eating and drinking and lounging and wide eyed, and sleepy and...

Several years ago, there was this phase in my life -- I think of it as "when everyone was sick..." Of course, not EVERYone was sick. Just lots of people I love. Years have passed since then, but I still think of it that way. And I think I will always think of this summer as "when everyone died..." Someday, I might not even remember that it was in 2003 (I already can't remember which year it was that everyone was sick), but I'll still recall "that summer when everyone died..." I think it will always feel that way to me, even if, of course, NOT EVERYone died this summer. This summer I learned the intensity of loss and grief, and learned it threefold. ...

Anyway, when everyone died, I bought matching collage frames for Freyja and Saki -- and Electra. But I think I might wait to do Electra's. She aint dead yet!!! It's given me a great deal of comfort to put them together, and even though it seems somehow odd, to have this grouping of Frey and Saki's collage and then an empty frame with it...

I think I'd also like to do a collage of my grandma (and probably my grandpa, too). I'd like to make duplicates of it also and give them to my Dad and my Aunt.

Actually, I've never done anything on Memorial day. But I keep losing people (Tim said the other day in regards to the pets "They're not quite people..." It doesn't sound funny there, but he said it so matter-of-factly and so sincerely -- like he didn't quite believe it... ) Anyway, pets are people too...

But maybe I'll make collages of all the people I keep losing. And get them out every year and say special prayers and rememberances of them. When we were in Louisiana, we took a cemetary tour and people can take the stuff quite seriously -- upkeep of the gravesite and honoring of the dead.

Does this sound hokey? Maybe I AM losing it....

It's just -- losing Saki and Freyja-- I think I learned something. It's so hard to explain. Bc I've lost humans before. Humans I love, humans that I was close to, humans whose funerals I attended and cried and humans who I tried to honor before they died... But I've never lost anyone I was responsible for-- like a spouse or a parent or a child. And suddenly, what happened to their bodies and such became very important...

Tim always has said "It doesn't matter (what you do with the body) -- they're dead!" But he was absolutely adamant about where Freyja had to be buried... And adamant about doing (part of it) himself. And all this stuff. ...

I never understood the importance of this stuff before. I understood dying. More or less -- as much as anyone can understand such a thing. I understood missing the one who was not there. I understood (sociologically) the importance of funeral rites and closure... But all this soul stuff and body stuff -- it really hit me with Saki and Freyja. Suddenly, what happened to their bodies and their souls seems vitally important. What they are wearing, what you put in their grave/casket, the songs, and quotes and passages -- all that is IMPORTANT. It seems kinda silly from the outside, but it is important to the one responsible...

So maybe I will start doing something for Memorial day...

Today was hard again.

Somehow I ended up messing with Saki's photos. Putting them away -- I guess they were the ones that didn't win the collage contest. But then I found one -- it's not even very good, didn't make the finalist selections for the collage, not even a runner up... it's not very good. But in it her eyes are so big and so round and so blue. And I put it in a single frame I had and cried and cried and cried. The frame is small-- 3"x3" -- and I put the photo in and not even her whole face fits, just those big blue eyes. How many times did I drown in those eyes...

So I've just been having a hard time in general and it was bugging bc usually there is some reason, some THING that gets to me and leads to reliving all the grief...

And I think -- I took Hathor to the vet today. She went in for her 2nd round of shots/boosters. And that's always kinda hard in general. But everyone's annual vaccinations are due about now... and not everyone is here... Actually, after we got home from the vet, the mail had come and there was a post card in the mail reminding me that our shots are due-- there was one for Electra (as she is due) , but also one for Freyja... I guess they forgot to take Frey off their records. So then I had to cry about that, too. And just the fact that they should all be going in now -- I've spent the last 15 years taking them in now and they should all be going together...

I don't even know how long its been. I guess close to 2 months for Saki and near 3 for Freyja. That doesn't seem possible. It FEELS like I've been mourning for 100 years. The pain feels like it has always been there, this big rock I carry around. But I guess it hasn't been very long, after all.

I guess I'll just have to deal with bad days for as long and as often as they come...

My youngest niece is still grieving for her little dog Wolfgang who ran off and disappeared. She loves animals so much; she always has. It's weird bc her sister doesn't really. I wonder if that will be ingrained into their adult personalities.
I guess I will just treat her grief like I do my own, or Tim's--something worthy of compassion and respect...

I understand funerals. When I've lost humans I love, I have wanted and needed to be around other people who feel that loss. To lose someone -- its a lonely feeling. So I want to be around people who will understand if I cry, and probably cry with me. People I can reminisce with. People who also have that big hole and are wondering how they will get by... People who are NOT going to hurry you up to "move on" with your life... People who won't try to distract me with idle chit chat... Funerals are good bc they provide you with that time and that process of grieving...

When a pet dies, I think it is qualitatively different. Humans may have friends and siblings, and parents and children and spouses -- there's all these other humans. But a pet only has a few humans....

And I think that is the power and the comfort of this board for me. When I read other people's posts, my level of "empathy" is so intense. I feel like we are all talking about the same pet, the same companion... the same love... I feel connected to everyone who posts the same way I feel connected to all the loved ones at a funeral...

Sue pondered the other day if maybe she'd be further along in her grieving process if she were not on the board so much... I think the opposite is true. I think the board helps the healing process. And I think without it, we'd be more sad, and more lonely to boot...

I must agree, I think that if I hadn’t found this site I wouldn’t say as much which would probably mean I would have thought a lot more (if that’s possible) and as I always have in the past bottled up those feelings and then later would have had to let them out some other way. Except as the past has proven I did not.

I think that the grieving process is taking a more natural course than I am used to, before I took it all, bottled it up, got on with my life and cried at night with Sadie and Jude, god bless them, now I guess I cry with you guys, god help you.

My nieces visited this weekend, and overall we had a wonderful time. They were not as good with Hathor as I'd hoped-- I'd hoped they'd all just play together and wear each other out. But they don't really understand that she is a puppy and not a dog and so can't respond to commands and such. But Hathor still loved them and they still loved her, and that's all the matters...

I did cry in front of them at one point though. I've heard people say (post) about not crying in front of the kids about a pet's death, but I just can't do that. So they had seen Freyja's head stone and Saki's urn and were asking questions about their deaths and burial and cremation, and I was doing my best just to answer their questions as straightforwardly as I possibly could. I believe that it is important to be as honest as possible with kids, especially with the hard stuff (and as honest as they can understand...). So I was trying to repress the sobs and just answer, but then I couldn't anymore and bust out. The kids got really quiet. When I could finally talk again (after a minute or two), I just said "I just miss them so much." And then 10 year old patted my back and said "It's ok..."

So I hope I handled it ok. After that, they didn't ask me any more questions. So I am hoping that they did not feel like it was a taboo subject or anything. Or that they didn't think they upset me.

Not showing a child grief can make them believe that grief is something to be suppressed. Although I agree that we shouldn't go to pieces in front of them, they deserve to see the depth of our emotion and to learn that it is okay to cry.

It's ok to cry. It really is. People should not try to hide their emotions from children. Thank you for showing them that. They also will learn to handle OTHER people's grief ONLY if they are exposed to it. Just make sure next time they visit that they know it's okay to ask those kinds of questions - anytime. They didn't make you cry - you just miss your friend. Their questions help you remember those friends too.

I think you handled it fine.

I'll try to add a picture of Hathor

Hathor is gorgeous and I see what you mean about the big paws.

I guess, oddly enough, I am still here...

To be honest, I didn't think I would survive. .... I know I have babbled on and on with this board.... but : I am still here. And a couple of months ago, I couldn't see that, that life goes on....

Life does go on. I think that is the key. People say that eventually you will be able to smile when you remember..... maybe they are right... it hasn't been that long for me. Only a few months. I sure as hell don't smile when I remember. When I remember, all I feel is loss-- and pain...

I still want them back...

But-- when the pain first hit, I thought I might die. Not in a suicidal way, it's just that the loss was so intense that I really thought it might kill me.... but I am still here...

Yes, you ARE still here. (that was a CUTE pic btw - what an adorable face!!!)

I remember when all I wanted to do was curl up in a corner sobbing - I also remember a night when I went to sleep hoping I wouldn't wake up. That I'd just pass on and catch up to my guys.

To be truthful, over a year later it still hurts. When I talk to people whose grief is fresh, mine comes rushing back to batter at my heart and soul again. Like a vengeful demon on the other side of a door, it pounds to get in. And it hurts. It hurts so much I can hardly stand it.

But we're all still here. It would betray the memories of our loved ones if we didn't keep trying to heal. So keep coming on here and helping people and talking - the pain DOES lessen in time. For some, a few months, for others it may take years. But what do we have OTHER than time? It may never go away but you'll learn to handle it better and you'll learn to teach other people how to handle it too.

Remember that your love for Freya and Saki never died - it lives on in your heart and soul and it lives on in their eternal souls as well.

What the heck is wrog with people????

I think it was Anna who was saying that she doesn't understand how people could abandon their pets when she'd do anything to get hers back...

Yeah.If I could have Saki back ---I would cut off my left breast if that is what it took to get her back. And yet these people....

My neighbor refuses to have her dog spayed. If that were not bad enough she lets the dog run leadless, fenceless, collarless around the neighborhood. AND we live on a major thoroughfare. Still, she seems to love and adore her dog. She's just got confused notions of "natural" -- it IS natural to have a litter, it is NOT natural to wear a collar....

Hathor is doing ok. I am missing Frey less, but Saki is still a big gaping hole.

What a beautiful dog hathor is! He has a cheeky little face! I'm sure he is helping you keep busy!

Yeah, I am getting better....

I wish I could articulate how it can still hurt so much and yet be getting better at the same time, but it does. In some ways it seems like it was ages ago that Saki and Freyja passed-- surely it must be years (ha-- try 4 or 5 months) at the same time it feels like yesterday....

Anyway, I am writing on my old post again bc I realized something horrible today. Electra is dying. I don't mean necessarily that she is in the throws of death right now (although we did go to the vet today and get some antibiotics for what looks like a urinary tract infection). I just mean: she going to die.

Of course, we're all going to die, and that is not what I mean either.

There was a day once when I realized freyja was dying. She moved so slow and... I can't explain it, I just knew that I didn't have that much time left with her. It was probably a year before she actually passed... But that whole time I knew that her time was near... During that whole time, if it was a year or 6 months, I really can't remember, except that it would make me cry when it occurred to me... Tim knew it too, though we didn't talk about it much. He gave her pig ears every night. We never scolded her anymore -- even if she did naughty things.

And looking at Electra today, it was that same sense. She does not look healthy. She still acts ok -- she is still agile and active and eats and pees and poops and cuddles when she wants. But... I know the day is going to come and its going to be sooner rather than later when she won't be acting ok.

Oh, I do hope the spirits that be don't make me put her down. As much as I know it was the right thing with Frey I don't think I could stand to ever do it again. I hope I am strong and wise and compassionate. But please let them take her before I have to make that decision.

Electra and I have not been the best of buds in her time with us. She's a bitch... I mean that with the utmost respect and affection. She's never been one of those "Whatever" cats -- she wants it like she wants it and not a bit differently (like her mom, I guess...) But as long as you do things the way she wants, she is such a sweetie. She loves EVERYONE. Tim calls her our little diplomat. "Hi, I'm Electra. Let me lay in your lap and make you feel very special... You're my best friend ever..."

And I don't want her to die. I am 36 and she's been with me since I was 21 and I like having her around. Bitchiness and all.

She's so small now. 4 lbs. At her height I think she was 12. She was a pudgey thing then. She's FIV and from what we can gather has always been (she's never been outside...)

She was the runt of the litter. ...

I need to hug her more. Spoil her more. Sing to her more.

I would say that you are preparing yourself for Electra’s death.

My nan was the first person I loved to die, she was ill for a few months before but having never experienced death before I wasn’t prepared when it finally happened.

Then I started imaging how I would react when it happened to my granddad, this obviously would lead to tears and in the end I thought I was an evil ~B~ for having such wicked thoughts.
Then I did the same with my dad, Jude and Sadie, finally I think ive figured it out that I am preparing myself for the dreaded day. Our minds work in mysterious ways.

What frightens me is that I am know thinking of my mum AND sister. I think that although I will be very upset if/when anyone else goes these two are the ones I know I will not be able to cope with and loosing Jude and Sadie so close together my mind is trying to figure out how I will cope when their times come!!!!!!!

In a way (I think) you go through the worst in your thoughts then cope ‘better’ than what your thought when it happens, because believe me in my thoughts ill be suicidal.


Love Sue

Saki, Freyja, and Electra's mom,
I'm in your boat. My chicken Onion is not doing well. She was diagnosed with cancer of the kidney. She limps around all day, when
she's not lying down; she doesn't eat well either.
She get's the same ration that Sweetie gets (Sweetie is twice her size) but she is still skin and bones. I think the neighborhood birds
are eating most of her dinner because she cleans up every scrap, yet she still is too thin.
I dread having to pts another, I've had to do 3 in the last year, not to mention the one's I lost numbering 6 now.
Does it never end?

I think there are only two ways it ever ends: 1) you go to the bridge 2) you lock your heart up tight and refuse to love.... I am sure we will join them at the bridge eventually so there's no rush for that... and who wants to live a life where your heart is sealed off????

Still -- it's been a rough year, hasn't it????

I am sorry to hear about Onion. Give her hen pecks (the nice kind) and hugs.

I know how you feel. I'm in the process of making the decision. I'm going to love and hug and cry over her tomorrow. I've had to do three of mine

Scott- my horse
Hennie- my chicken
Fish- my cat

This will be the forth of my children that I've had to set free. I am dreading tomorrow.

When it was cold, Saki used to go in the bedroom and get under the covers. You had to be careful if you sat on the bed not to sit on the lump bc that lump was the kitty. Yesterday, Tim was in the bedroom and there was a lump in the covers, and without thinking, he started petting it. But it was just a lump and there was no kitty there. I know we are going to miss her for such a long long time..

Ha!
Well, it happened. Just now, in fact...

I was looking at old photos of Saki and I laughed. I **LAUGHED**!! It is two days shy of 6 months, and it is the first time I've remembered her with something other than sorrow. I mean, Tim and I have shared old stories, and I've -- smirked --? Something. But not laughed. Even when the story was funny. I could only feel sorrow at her loss. But I was looking at photos just now and remembering what a wild naughty fun kitten she was -- she'd play such silly games (even alone) to amuse herself. And I laughed....

And tho I've read that it happens eventually. That eventually you remember them and SMILE (instead of cry) -- I guess I just never believed it. But I guess it is true...

Keep the faith, ya'll...

So how are you today, I wish I could advise you to keep Electra until after xmas but we both know you just
don’t make plans for these events, they have a life all their own run by a little bastard whose only
happy on someone’s misery.

All I can say is I love you and Electra loves you and Saki and Freyja are looking forward to having Electra with
them as they are you – eventually.

I’ve never wanted to go to America – too far to fly – but Id love to come over and support you and give you a big
hug and take away some of the pain from you.

Keep well and im so glad that you finally had that laugh, maybe now a few barriers are coming down and they will
be able to get through to give you some signs that they love you and are still around.

Love always
Sue

I love you, too, Sue and thanks.

I think Electra ate last night. Tim thinks the dog got in her room and ate her food. So I dunno. The vet said the pred might stimulate her appetite and so we gave her one last night and I am thinking she ate.

Yeah, the vet said that she had to eat in a week. So... that would be after xmas.

I don't know what to do. I felt like, with Frey, watching her, some of my thoughts were ways of preparing myself, and yet when it came down to the tacks, I was not prepared at all... So part of me wants to run myself ragged and not think about it and ... the other part wants to wallow in it... So I think I am alternating!

I wish lec would snuggle with me. That's probably the worst part. Saki was my snuggle bear, even when she got sick. She spent a couple days in the closet, but when I'd drag her out she would snuggle with me. And then she just did it on her own, per usual, after she got tired of the closet. Lec-- I can go pick her up and sit down with her, but she'll just run off.

So I can feel your hug across the miles and across the ocean, and thank you.

So its morning now and when I got up and checked on Lec, most of the food we had laid out for her was gone. We had her normal fare of (human) baby food, and some canned food, and some cheap dry food and some expensive dry food and some cat milk. ha, that sounds excessive, but it wasn't really -- only a couple table spoons of each, we just want her to eat and had to have it all available for her in case SOMETHING sounded good. So most of it was gone this morning (it had been sitting out all day and she wouldn't eat it) but I don't know if the dog got in there while I was sleeping (we keep it such that Lec can get out but the dog can't get in... but sometimes Hathor manages to get in anyway)... We gave her her pred last night and antibiotic. So can I pretend she ate it all??????????

During the day she has been drinking some cat milk. Not enough, but some. I KNOW this bc it dribbles on her chin, and I see her drink it. She's also still drinking water, and we have IV fluids to give her, but she won't let us do that...

Hope....

Gosh, you guys, I know it hurts so badly...

I still try to read your posts regularly, even if I am not replying as much as I once did...

You see, at one point, I was out here writing A LOT EVERY DAY.... Heck, I've got 6 pages of posting just on this here personal topic of mine...

But I don't anymore... I am still here. But I don't have to write it all out a few times each day...

For months and months (and months and months) I swore it would never get any better... Bc, for me, it did not. But it has been nearly a year now... at least for Frey, she went first. It's been 10 months... And yes, it does still hurt. But not in the same way it did for the first few weeks... or few months...

But I can talk about them without crying now. I can look at their pictures without crying. I am NOT to the point where I can say "I only remember the good times..." Unfortunately, I still remember each of their deaths and it still hurts. A lot.

BUT IT DOES GET EASIER.

And I am posting this now in hopes that YOU will have hope of that.

Because in those first few weeks and months for me, I did not have hope. I thought the pain would never ever ever end. And I still cannot say that it does END. But -- it does get easier. You do reach a point where the grief is not so severe. You do reach a point where you are no longer counting the days or hours since they have left you. Your point might not be 10 months -- it might be 28 months or 4 months or something else. But it does happen.

Keep the faith.

--Jennifer