I'm just sitting here pondering the nature of the grieving process, and it has occurred to me that it seems to be true for a lot of us that what we are missing so much and longing for are our young, healthy, energetic, joyful pets--not our old, ailing, pain-ridden, somewhat miserable pets. Not that we don't love them right up until the last minute, and then beyond--but I know that I wouldn't particularly have wanted poor old Ladywolf, with her heavy tumors and diabetes, to have lived a whole lot longer. She couldn't walk very well, she was uncomfortable, she knew that she was compromised and couldn't do what she used to--she was happy to be in my presence, and I her's, but her quality of life had definitely deteriorated, and she was ready to go when she did.

So I, and perhaps a lot of us, are really longing for the "old" fur-kid--the one who didn't have pain and limitations. That's why it's SO painful when a life gets cut short suddenly--it's a major trauma that can cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Happy, bouncing, joyful animal here one minute and gone the next...

When I want Lady back, I want the Ladywolf who was somewhere between three (when I met her) and thirteen--the companion who could do anything that we wanted to do, and with enthusiasm and great energy. So I'm yearning for the impossible! THAT Lady left me about two years ago...

Just a observation--not all of you may agree, but it's something to think about...

Big Hugs to everyone--

Margi and Spiritwolf

Hi, Margi, I absolutely agree with you about this observation. I came to this realization a few years ago, too. In my younger years immediately following the physical death of one of my furkids my gut-wrenching grief desperately wanted them back. But as I have gotten older I have come to understand that to have them back would mean that they would still be trapped in their painful ill-stricken physical bodies with no quality of life.

Of course this intellectual understanding doesn't take off the painful edge of the physical loss of any and all of my beloved companions. The grief journey is still very hard, particularly in the beginning, and my life and heart are still empty without the blessing of their sweet physical presence, but I better understand in my heart of hearts that my precious furkids are much better off in heaven's perfect garden where they are once again restored to their youthfulness - - never again having to endure the effects of an aging ill-stricken physical body. And that's why I do the memorials - - so that I can focus on their lives BEFORE their bodies were burdened with the effects of irreversible age and illness. And I know this is how they want to be remembered - - when they were able to enjoy both quality and quantity of life during their journey with me on this side of eternity. With this I can hope for the time, my appropriate time, when I can join them in heaven's perfect garden where there is no grief or pain.

Thank you so much, Margi, for sharing your observations. I'm also glad that things have quieted down a bit for you around the homestead. You are frequently in my thoughts and prayers throughout the day, Margi. I do so hope that life will begin to be kinder and gentler for you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Margi,

Having a bad Kota day, don't even know what to say when friends call on the phone. I know what you mean about having the energetic, lively, young, full-of-life Ladywolf back. I can picture Kota the day I got her, see her in her younger years, picture us together as she got older, remember all the companionship we gave each other. And yet, I would still take her in her old age, just to be with her. The years never lessened my love or need for her. I'm even having trouble just looking at her picture today. I understand though how much fun it must have been for you guys, over the years, just being able to get out and walk and play and drive anywhere together. I want out of this house as it just doesn't feel like it's home anymore. Yet I'm realizing that no place is going to feel like home. I feel like I'm a downer today and don't want to be around anyone. Hope your day and job opportunities are improving.

D

Margi, I agree with your observations. And as Niles and Buck were getting near their ends, I had to keep reminding myself that if I could help each new affliction that arose, I still wasn't restoring their youth. Nothing can cure old age. And that's what each one of them succumbed to, in the end. I also, like you, think back a few years and wish for those times again. When there were no worries (even though I worried then too). After each one has died, I've gone through and am still going through a phase of just repeating, "I want to go back, I just want my old life back."
So, I get what you're saying. An on another note, one of my bosses asked me the other day if we were going to get another dog. He wants a dog himself but he's not an animal person like my husband and I are. I immediately said, no not right now. He was shocked. I thought about it later and wish I would have thought to say that we don't have a dog void in our home, we have a Buck void in our home. I didn't have Buck to have a dog. I had Buck.
I hope things are looking better for you with your home and job situation. I think about you alot and worry about you.
-Donna

Margi

I know what you mean. For me seeing my cat so sick the last few days was worse than after he was gone. I would not have wanted any more time seeing him like that. I would have wanted more time with him healthy, even if not so young. Hope things are looking better for you on the job front as well-for me not so much especially losing unemploymnet while the government debates the extensions but I'm hoping I can find something soon as well-so many of us are in a bad situation right now.

Hi Margi,

I know exactly what you mean. I have had this very subject on my mind a lot lately, even quite a while before Chico died. I miss our old times, when Chico was an energetic healthy dog! When he would take me for walks, leading the way and dragging me behind him. When he'd bounce off the storm door barking furiously at any noise he heard outside. His 'great escape' game, where he would fly out the door if he got the chance. Then he would just run and run and run and it was so hard to catch him. Sometimes he'd allow us to get close, then dog-laugh and take off again. He thought it was a game. He was such an energetic dog to end up laying on the couch unable to walk for his last 6 months. But yes. That is what I want back!

I have been wondering how long it will take to start remembering the healthy Chico more instead of his most recent months of being sick, ailing and helpless. I miss him desperately, but I would not want him to be back in that state. I think I had already begun my grieving for him months ago, when he was no longer able to do the things he loved.

If we could only turn back the time. Impossible of course, but I sure wish I had that happy little dog in the pic on my avatar back.

Berta

Hi Margi:

So enjoyed your intelligent thoughtful post. Thank you for that.

Thank you all for your comments, they mean a lot to me. I find that this grief journey is a sad, but necessary part of the total journey when choosing to take an animal partner into one's life. We hate this part, but we don't get the other part without this part. For me, it is a bittersweet experience--a mix of sadness over my loss, and joy that I was lucky enough to have had such magical beings in my life for so long.

That's why I'm not incapacitated by grief right now. I knew at the beginning what the outcome would likely be, and it was part of a contract that I signed with Poppers and Ladywolf, and all my other critters from the past. That I would not abandon them in their times of need, or after they had passed on. That I would be true to their memories, and carry on with my life in the ways that they would have wanted me to. Spiritwolf just loves to see me laugh, and so I do. It's a tribute to HER for me to feel good when I can these days. It's impossible to laugh and suffer at the exact same moment...

Just some more thoughts on the matter. I have a poem on my wall, with a picture of my old VW van, that seems to relate to all this:

How long the road is.
But for all the time the journey has already taken,
How you have needed every second of it,
In order to learn what the road passes by.

Big hugs to everyone--

Margi and Spiritwolf

Good poem. You must have a lot of memories with your old VW van. After reading your poem, a line from a book, The Little Prince (or as it is in French, Le Petit Prince), came to me: "It is only with the heart that one can see clearly...what is essential is invisible to the eye." It's good you are finding some joy in your memories already. You said that you knew at the beginning what the outcome would likely be. For me, it was the opposite. From the day I got Kota, I never once thought about her getting old and dying...at least not until she got really old. I guess that was a good thing cuz it kept me in the present with her, just thinking that there was always tomorrow to take another walk together. But now I feel sad that if someday I am able to open up to another pet, I will have it in the back of the mind that they will leave me all too soon. And that scares me. I guess at least you are a realist. Me, I've just never been too good at accepting reality, especially when it comes in the form of the passing of our loved ones. Robert Frost said, "Everything I've ever learned in life can be summed up in three words...It Goes On..." G'nite

Dennis

Thanks for the lines from The Little Prince, and from Frost, Dennis--they're really spot on, aren't they? (Oooh, I think I'm picking up some Brit' from Janika!)

I guess I AM a realist, or have become more of one in recent years. All the losses over the years have wounded me, but most are scarred over by now. I lost my last family member in my thirty-seventh year, and have been totally alone in the world since then, but for my dogs and cats and my friends. This has been very hard for me, especially since my mom committed suicide, but the losses have receded into the past and I don't feel them all that keenly anymore. I guess I figure that if the death of one's mother by suicide can be scarred over, then so can the loss of a beloved wolf...eventually...though not yet...

I called Spiritwolf over to my bed last night and she came, and I talked to her. I am kind of shocked by this, as I am not religious, nor even particularly spiritually-oriented. But she is here in this house, she is palpable, her energy is in every room, and in my car, and at my friends' houses, and everywhere I go. On the other hand, I am not surprised, because the human/wolf bond is unlike anything I have ever experienced before--it was unique for me. What a lucky girl I was!

Big hugs to everyone--

Margi and Spiritwolf

Hi Dennis,

It's been over 9 months since I lost Callaway and what a difficult and scary ride it has been. I first didn't think I could survive without him but very slowly things got better. I still miss him like crazy and would do anything to be able to hug him once again. I have changed alot since his passing and have become a stronger and better person.

I had thought about losing callaway since he was 2 years old, I didn't dwell on it but thought about it quite often and even more so in the past couple of years. How wonderful it was that you didn't let those thoughts come into your head with Kota. The one thing I wish I could do is go back and enjoy every second I had with Callaway and not worry about him dying someday.

I now have my dogs Oliver and Barney and I honestly don't think about them dying, I think that's one of the lessons that I learned with Callaway, live in the moment because that's all we really have. I also have a very sick dog Brando, he is 15 years old. I don't even dwell on his passing, I think about the wonderful life I gave him and all of the joy that he brought me.

Like you, I always had a hard time accepting reality but with Callaway's death I had no choice but to accept it and eventually and you will do the same with Kota. And I believe that the next dog you adopt (and I do believe there will be another dog) will be one lucky dog and that you won't dwell on he or she dying because that would take a way from all the joy and happiness that you two will share.

Hang in there Dennis... you are in the beginning stages of grief which are the hardest. You can make it thru and we are all here to help you.

Rhapsedy

I have never dwelled on the idea that my pets were going to leave me, not when they were young and healthy, anyway. I have totally lived in the moment with them, always, at least until they got old and sick, and then I tried to dwell in the moment too. It's just that I know when I take on a pet that I am likely to outlive it, and that's why I'm not taken by surprise when they leave me, unless they leave in surprising ways. I've had dogs who lived to be very very old: one was 17, my Great Dane, Diva, lived to be almost fourteen (!), and Ladywolf and Poppers lived to 15. It was inevitable that I would have seen some deterioration in those latter years, some loss of faculties, that would have tipped me off to the fact that they were not going to be with me forever. That's just me and how I look at things.

Now, at 60, I couldn't be so sure that I would outlive a puppy or a kitten. That's an odd feeling. Not the reason that I am not getting another dog or cat right away--but a factor to be considered. My main reason is that I want to be free to relocate without having to find pet-friendly housing (at first.) I'm sure that eventually some new magical being will find me, but I would hope to be more settled and stable by then...

Hugs to everyone--

Margi and Spiritwolf

P.S. The night before last was the night that I called the Spiritwolf over to my bed, and she came, and I petted and talked to her. Last night my neighbor's dog came strolling into my bedroom and right up to my bed for cuddlies. She had never been in my bedroom before! (Just let herself in.)

Hi, Margi, I also share with you a part about embracing a new life right now - - the age part. I have been in a situation where two precious furkids were almost instant orphans (the automobile collision). That "fear" - - unreasonable as it may be to others - - still haunts me, even though I have provided for all of my furkids in my Will.

I am so glad that your precious Spiritwolf comes to visit you, Margi, and that she invited your neighbor's doggie child to come visit as well. I hope you know that Spiritwolf and Poppers and Sweet Pea will be with you wherever you go, Margi. They will always be with you for they are now no longer confined to the laws of time and space on this side of eternity as we are.

Margi, I am so sorry for your losses over the years, - - for the tragic loss of your mother. I hope and pray with all my heart, Margi, that GOOD things will begin to happen for you. You have been through so much over these months. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Margi, and I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you so much, Moon Beam, for being so compassionate and empathetic. You are truly extraordinary--you always have such wisdom to impart and such a heart-felt way of expressing it. I feel a little bit like I don't belong here, because I am not grieving so deeply. But you make me feel included.

Our histories are somewhat the same, aren't they? Tragic loss of our mothers at an early age. We will never fully "recover" from those losses--we just have to keep on truckin', I guess.

I'm struggling right now to find peace amidst obnoxious neighbors. I'ts hard--I have a big front porch with a birdbath, fountain, etc. that I considered to be sacrosanct--and now I'm "invaded" all the time. I don't want to be mean and tell them to go away, so I just go indoors myself, at times when I don't want to. My life has been radically altered, and I don't know what to do. I can draw boundaries and keep them off my porch, but I can't keep them out of their own front yard, which is right in front of my front porch...What to do?

Hugs to all--

Margi and Spiritwolf

Hi, Margi, of course you belong here with us. Each of us grieve differently and our grief is different at different times. You are so important here in offering your wisdom and encouragement and compassion.

You have been through so much over recent months, years, Margi, including not having employment which I know is a MAJOR concern, and now with your peace and solitude horribly disrupted it's amazing to me that you are enduring everything so well.

It is inspiring to read your posts about Spiritwolf, and to have the benefit of your insights. Thank you so o o o much for being here with us, Margi. And hopefully through our posts to you you will feel comforted, too, however you may need it.

When you talk to Spiritwolf, please tell her that moon_beam sends her best regards. And Margi, you are in my thoughts and prayers frequently every day. Please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Margi,

Please don't feel that "you don't belong here" because you don't feel you're grieving as deeply as some. Please know, that you're an integral part of this community. Your wise words and support has helped me more than I can express since joining this forum. You're dealing with your loss differently to others because of your life experiences. And because of these experiences you have gained great wisdom to help comfort others. You are living proof that no matter what life throws at you, you can "keep on truckin'".

Thank you.

Cheryl xx

Thank you, Cheryl and Moon Beam--

I was beginning to feel like "persona non grata" around here, because I'm not so deeply immersed in my grief. But I guess you're right--my perspective can be of help to others who maybe think that they are in denial, when in reality, they are in acceptance, because that's where I am most of the time. I'd lost my entire family by the time I was thirty-seven--that counts for something in the world of human experience.. I've lost 11 dogs--that counts for something in the world of canine experience...

I think that I've been feeling a bit sorry for myself the past few days, and projecting it out into this Forum as well. My circumstances are quite unbearable, so I am looking for other places where I "don't belong," while you guys are trying to convince me that I DO belong!

Thanks for your words of affirmation--they mean a lot to me!

Margi and Spiritwolf

Hi, Margi, it is an honor and a pleasure to be of encouragement to you. With everything that you have been through, I don't perceive how you're feeling as "self pity." When life has not been kind over a period of time it's hard to keep a "positive mental attitude" about anything. I have been where you are, Margi. You are an integral part of this Forum, so please know you are ALWAYS welcome here. I know it can't give you a job, I know it can't change what you're living through with your obnoxious neighbors. But we are just a "click" and a log in away, and are blessed to have you among us.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Margi. And please let us know how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks, Moon Beam. I shouldn't let just one post throw me off track so much, I guess. It's a hard time right now for me, just barely managing to survive. I decided to start a new blog today, on rising above poverty. I called it divingforbrie.blogspot.com . The title's about DUMPSTER diving for food, which I haven't done recently, but used to do a lot...

I'm having a BLAH day, don't feel very motivated to do anything. The summer heat is really getting to me this year. Paradoxically, the neighbors are gone today, but it's too hot to enjoy my peaceful front porch. That's June in Arizona.

Anyway, thanks again for assuring me that I belong here.

Hugs from Margi and Spiritwolf

Hi, Margi, it's so good to hear from you. Margi, I am proud of you for starting the blog, and know that it will be of help to many folks who are struggling with unemployment and financial difficulties in this country, perhaps including some folks on this very forum who have mentioned their challenges in these very same things, and perhaps others who may log on sometime in the future and read your post.

I hope that you and Spiritwolf will have a very peaceful evening tonight. May gentle breezes come to cool and refresh your tired heart, and perhaps Spiritwolf will bring Poppers' and Sweet Pea's sweet Living Spirits to come for a visit tonight.

Please know you are close in my thoughts and prayers frequently throughout the day, Margi, and before I close my eyes for sleep at night. You are a very important part of this Forum, Margi, and you are a very important personal friend to me.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks again, Moon Beam, as always. You are a very special friend to me, too.

I'm feeling really funky today. Lonely and sad, lazy and dysfunctional, just not enjoying being awake today. I'm not aware of grieving, particularly, but maybe on some deep level, I am. It's been three weeks and a day since Ladywolf passed on, but it feels like a lot longer.

I'm affected by the weather too--hot and muggy, which is normal for Arizona when our first thunderheads of the summer begin to build up. This can go on for days before we get any rain--and I am like a finely-tuned human barometer--I really feel the pressure changes. When it DOES rain, it rains more than anywhere else I have ever lived. We can go from bone-dry to flooded in minutes--it's amazing!

Not a lot to report, really, except that I miss my Ladywolf!

Hugs from Margi and Spiritwolf

hi margi,
i've been wanting to leave you a few words of encouragement b/c it sounds like you've been going through a particularly hard time lately. so sorry to hear about the horrible weather over there--i find that weather has a HUGE effect on how i feel, way more than it does on most people it seems. are there any nearby air-conditioned businesses where you could hang out w/o having to buy anything, to escape the worst of it? i don't know, maybe it sounds funny, but i remember one heat wave where i finally just decided to hang out in the grocery store (this was before lucy came to live w/ me).

oh, & i also wanted to join the chorus of people telling you that your presence is most definitely needed here! it's already been invaluable to me.

take care,
soojung

p.s. will go check out your blog, good for you!

Margi, I know that feeling....I have been there....just feeling totally useless, sometimes like nothing matters anymore. I've contemplated "Why?"....and there is no answer other than I think deep down we are always thinking of our furangels even when we don't realize it. They are always there in our minds....but remember always in our hearts too.

Love,
Brutus' Mom

Hi all--

MORE bad news in my circle. My closest friend and neighbor, Mark, has AIDS and is on the very last remaining regimen of meds there is for him to try. After these, there's nothing else. He looks remarkably well, but is really very very sick, and today he was TURNED DOWN for SSI Diability. How DARE they!? He is DYING. He can't work! What is WRONG with this country?!

This sure didn't help the funky mood around the neighborhood, I'll tell you. I want to go out and beat someone up or smash windows or something!! (I won't, of course.)

Thanks for listening to my rant.

Margi

Hi, Margi, I'm so sorry about your friend and neighbor Mark. It does seem like your neighborhood is going through a very dark time right now. You do live in a desert environment - - so I'm sure there are plenty of rocks to throw. My mom always used to tell me that when I felt angry about something I could not change to get a tin can and kick it around until I had no energy left. It didn't do anything to resolve the problem, but it did provide a positive outlet for frustration.

I know one thing for sure - - Mark has a good friend in you, and I know you will try to help him in any way you possibly can. Just remember to save some time and space for yourself, okay?

Margi, please know you are frequently in my thoughts and prayers throughout the day, and before I close my eyes for sleep at night. I hope and pray that gentle breezes will come to soothe your tired heart and spirit, and that you will feel the presence of your precious Spiritwolf always with you at all times and in all circumstances.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Oh, no - Margi, that's terrible news. I'm so sorry.

Maybe you need to get your neighborhood blessed or something, because of all the bad luck you've all been having. I hope Spiritwolf will come to you and give you the strengh you need to get through these trying times.

Thinking of you. Cheryl x

Thanks Moon Beam and Cheryl--

Well, the depression has finally arrived, big time. I think this last bit of news finally sent me off the deep end, because it does't just pertain to Mark specifically, but to how the government is dealing with poor folks who are struggling to stay alive, in general, including me. I was turned down for disability too, about three years ago, for ridiculous reasons, and I just gave up the fight. I'm not going to "let" Mark do that--I'm going to help fight for him.

But I guess the loss of everything is hitting me right now: my summer teaching job (and income), my possible college teaching job for the summer that didn't work out, any and all sense of financial security, the peace and quiet of my front porch, the loss of good weather in "favor of" high, high heat, the fact that I have no family, my gain this year of about 20 pounds, my loss of my former best friend to her new man friend who hates me, ladywolf, poppers, sweet pea, and another dog I used to spend a lot of time with, Domino (he's okay, but was giving back to his former home a long distance away, so I never see him anymore), big-time allergies--the list goes on and on. Am I grieving all this--you bet, though I'm still not grieving the dogs very much, no consciously, anyway. I'm "just" in a deep depression.

Words of comfort would be much appreciated, as my energy level is about zero.

Thanks, everyone.

Big Hugs from Margi and Spiritwolf

Dear Margi,

With everything you are going through, it's not surprising that you feel so low. I am so sorry that you are having to endure such tough times - and I genuinely mean that from the bottom of my heart. Isn't it strange how I've only spoken to you through a few posts on this forum; and yet I find myself caring about your situation, and feel sad that you are going through these sad times? Our grief has brought us all closer, and we all care about, and are all here for you.

Margi, you are at an all-time low -- the only good in this, is that you can only move upwards from here.

Tough times don't always last, but tough people do.

I came across this poem, and would like to share it with you:

--

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.


Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.


Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver lint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worse,
That you must not quit.


~ FRAN YOUNGBLOOD ~

--

I hope this helps. Hang in there, Margi. Keep us updated on how you're getting on.

You're in my thoughts. Cheryl xx

Hi Cheryl--

Thank you so much for the wonderful poem. It really is right on topic, isn't it. Very inspirational, and a good reminder that better times will be ahead...

I wish I could agree with you that I was at an all-time low, but this depression doesn't even approach some I've had in the past. This one is circumstantial--at least it can be attributed to "real" things. Some of my biochemical depressions have been totally horrifying, when there wasn't even anything particularly wrong, and I was still completely non-functional. No, sadly, this is fairly mild compared to what my mind is capable of creating. Actually, today I am feeling a bit better and actually got a few things done, although one was bittersweet--I sent off my mother's most beloved pearls for appraisal at an auction house, and I may never see them again. Oh well, you do what you gotta'... And yes, I AM on antidepressants, and have been for 46 years, off and on. That's part of the problem, the length of time I've been on them.

I agree that we do develop real friendships here, and really do care about each other. I have particularly appreciated your loyalty, as well as Moon Beam's. I haven't made the time to post in your thread recently, and I apologize, but I'm not posting much in anyone else's threads right now--am too locked in to my own stuff to be of much help. But I really care about you too, and so appreciate your words of comfort and wisdom.

I wish the best for you and everyone here, all the time!

Big hugs and thanks from Margi and Spiritwolf

Hi, Margi, getting caught up on your posts. I'm sorry about you're having to sell your mom's string of pearls - - just for the sake of needing the money to pay bills. I can identify with your standing up for Mark, but not always for yourself. We seem to mirror one another in many ways.

Margi, the energy levels will ebb and flow through the grieving journey, so just do what you feel up to doing when you feel up to doing it. You have been on an adrenalin rush for so long that now you are feeling the effects of the let down effect. It can actually exacerbate depression, so don't feel guilty about taking things at a slower pace for awhile until you actually feel a steady flow of physical energy again.

I hope that gentle breezes will come this evening to soothe your tired and weary heart and spirit, and that your feel the sweet presence of your precious Spiritwolf with you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Yes, Moon Beam--We do mirror one another. A friend and I have already contacted our congressional representative to try to get help for Mark, which they say they may be able to provide. But he's also getting a lawyer, and we don't want one action to jeopardize the other one. Anyway, it was something tangible that we could do for Mark, whereas for myself...? Well, I go on work-hunting...

I feel like posting some more pix today, so will try, though it doesn't always work for me. I'll start with this one:

If that worked, I'll do a couple more.

Thanks, as ever, for your support and encouragement!

Love from Margi and Spiritwolf

Here are two more:

Margi
I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so down but glad you are doing a little better today. I imagine the heat is sapping your energy (along with everything else) and I imagine like me you have no AC. It makes everything seem even worse when you have no energy. And it is awful that so many people are falling through the safety nets now. I'm not sure that many people that are still secure with a steady income realize how bad things can get. But I guess all any of us can do it just give it our all and hope for the best. I wish I had some words of wisdome but all I can say is I hope that you have some happier days ahead soon.

Actually, hon, what I do have is a large evaporative swamp cooler, which is what we use out here in the desert until it gets too humid for them to work anymore.. I am sorry that you have no AC!! I don't use mine much, because of the electric bill, but I gotta have it on, I have it on. It's sometimes unbearable without it.

Yes, many are falling through the nets--in fact, the nets are so worn and torn that don't really operate as nets anymore, anyway. The system has been broken for so long that I don't know if it can ever be repaired...

You too, I wish you great success in finding work. People who have steady secure jobs may not realize how BORING it is when you don't have work to go to. when I substitute teach, I complain a lot about how obnoxious the kids are, but at least I have somewhere to be and something to do. I don't have the sense of futility that I feel when I'm not contributing anything and have nowhere to go. And I've been an artist and writer all my life, but my current depression, which is an old familiar beast, is keeping me from creating anything new.

I'm doing a little better today though. Thank you for your input!

Hugs--Margi and Ladywolf, uh....Spiritwolf

hi margi,

i'm so sorry that you're getting hit on so many fronts all at once, it just seems so unfair. i think what moonbeam said earlier makes sense--that perhaps you're also coming down from an earlier adrenaline rush? at any rate, it's no wonder that you're feeling exhausted and depressed after all the recent events, combined w/ the ongoing stressors of unemployment and trying to get by somehow on so little.

things are horribly difficult for you right now--more difficult i'm sure than i could even imagine. and yet i also feel sure, just from what i've seen of you from this forum & your blog, that you WILL find a way to get through this somehow, the way you've managed to survive so many times before. in the meantime, i wish so much i could shoulder some of the burden for you. yesterday (or was it the day before?) i randomly thought of you while i was in Trader Joe's (do you have that in AZ?) and worried about whether you were doing ok. i hesitate to write that b/c it might seem creepy, but really it's not--i just want you to know that there are people out there who are thinking of you and pulling for you.

i have to run now, but please hang in there and hopefully we'll meet up in chat sometime.
soojung

Hi Margi,

I'm back home, was at my sister's for a couple of days. Gotten up over the 100 degree mark here, and my house too gets baking. I've a small portable window A/C which only cools off the kitchen a bit. I tried a lottery ticket...was gonna send you a few hundred grand...but it didn't hit. Heading back to the doctor's tomorrow, having another relapse, been a month now, basically I've been sick since I've been on this site and met you.

Finally read some posts, and saw how you are feeling. Those are the first close-ups I've seen of Ladywolf. Such a gentle face. I'm sorry everything is hitting you all at once. I get so angry, and disappointed with our medical and governmental system, when I hear what you said about you not getting disability or work, and especially what's going on with your friend, Mark. We should have some kind of, at least, temporary socialized medical care, for times like these and situations like your friend is in. Plus just so we can get meds when we are out of work with no coverage.

Sounds like everything...no work, depression, realization of your losses, the heat, neighbors, lack of work, and trying to come to the aid of a friend...is way too overwhelming. I'm amazed you can still write here and keep a sense of coherency. I'd offer you to come visit for a couple of week...get out of the heat and have some company...though I know it's bad timing while trying to get some work. I've put in some applications, one at an old job with mental health up here, where I worked 10 years ago. I don't think I'll get back on there plus it's kind of a let down thinking about having to go back and work there for the county. I'm ready to make a move somewhere just to get some work. I've been thinking about you daily, and now finding out how intense things are for you, I really wish I had some money or the magic pill to help you get through these times. Sending you some thoughts and energy of peace.

Dennis

hi again margi,

just posting again b/c i forgot to say: what a sweet face! i love her white eyelashes. thanks for posting the pics. agree w/ tahoeden, she has such a gentle expression on her face.
soojung

Hi Margi

The photos are beautiful, what a dear , sweet face. She will always be your 'wonderwolf'. Thanks for sharing them with us.
I am sorry to hear about the depression which you are understandably suffering as you have been through so much these last few months. I just wish I could reach out with a magic wand and wave away all the troubles. Think of your Spiritwolf, she will be willing you along. Look how you fought for her with all your might, giving her such a wonderful life. I know you have that fighting spirit as you have overcome so much and come through with the ability to help others with your words of wisdom and compassion.
I was hoping to hear that you had a good day at the River, did you manage to get there? I have been to the chat room a few times and chatted with a few people on there. I will keep looking in and hope to see you soon.
Thinking of you.

Hugs
Jan and my Angels and Pixie x

Hi Margi,

Just checking in with you again to let you know you're still in my thoughts How are you feeling today? I know nothing has changed in your situation, but it's strange how your moods can change on a day-to-day basis for no reason at all!

You know, I was thinking about your situation and find it strange that there are no benefits out there that can help you through. I have no idea about the benefit situation in the US, but over here in the UK there is a set amount which each person is said to need to live on, and if their income doesn't meet that, there are a number of benefits they can apply for to 'top it up'. I'm unemployed at the moment (but hopefully will be starting college in september) and get something called "Job Seekers Allowance" Providing I am available for, and seeking work, I get money each week to live off. It's not an awful lot, but it's enough to get by. Plus, I get free medical prescriptions, free dentist, etc. Surely there must be something like this in the States? I find it so sad that they can just leave a person to struggle so much. It isn't right. What do people pay there taxes for!

Well, hope to hear from you soon.

Big hugs -- Cheryl xx

P.S. I love the pics of Ladywolf! Such wise, gentle eyes! What a Lady!

Margi... Ladywolf is so BEAUTIFUL!

Thanks, all, for your compliments on my gorgeous Ladywolf. Yes, her beauty was over the top--her kindness and intuitiveness and playfulness too--not to mention what her lovely fur FELT like! I still have some that I combed out of her coat right before she died, and I can still smell her in it...sigh...

Cheryl, you said, "You know, I was thinking about your situation and find it strange that there are no benefits out there that can help you through. I have no idea about the benefit situation in the US, but over here in the UK there is a set amount which each person is said to need to live on, and if their income doesn't meet that, there are a number of benefits they can apply for to 'top it up'. I'm unemployed at the moment (but hopefully will be starting college in september) and get something called "Job Seekers Allowance" Providing I am available for, and seeking work, I get money each week to live off. It's not an awful lot, but it's enough to get by. Plus, I get free medical prescriptions, free dentist, etc. Surely there must be something like this in the States? I find it so sad that they can just leave a person to struggle so much. It isn't right. What do people pay there taxes for!"

No, there is nothing like this in the states, believe it or not. This is one of the reasons we are so messed up. Many of us can qualify for foodstamps, $100-$200 a month. Free medical is harder to get, and there's no free dental care at all. If I earn more than $850 in any one month, I lose my medical. (So where's the incentive to work a lot, I ask you?)

Unemployment is only available if you get fired from a job, or laid off. Teachers don't qualify, because we normally don't work in the summer anyway, so are considered to be "seasonal" workers. Disability is theoretically available to those who are disabled, but, as in the case of my neighbor, Mark, the system is seriously currupt. Almost everyone gets turned down the first time they apply, and has to go through several rounds of appeals and eventually hire a lawyer in order to "win" disability. I've known people who have waited ten years to finally be granted disability, which is not enough to live on anyway.

If you have children and are unemployed, especially if you are a single mom, you can possibly qualify for welfare, but that's really hard to do too. There's no cash aid available to unemployed single teachers with no kids. We just don't count. For people who DO get unemployment, it runs out eventually anyway, after about six months, I think. There are some agencies who can help with utility bills, but you have to jump through rings of fire in order to apply for that help, and then you may not get it anyway. You are considered a serious slacker if you can't find a job. Minimum wage is, I think, $7.25 an hour, and right now, there are few jobs available, even at minimum wage. I guess we single folks are just considered scabs on society. Social security kicks in at age 65, or earlier if you take a serious pay cut, but it's usually just a few hundred dollars a month. We who are younger are just s..t out of luck.

That's Amurrica for you. I have seventeen pieces of teeth in my mouth, and can get no help in having them extracted, and dentures made. So I suffer from chronic oral infections and feel like carp most of the time. I've been tempted to extract some of them myself. I actually HAVE filed down some of my own teeth, so they wouldn't hurt me so much.

Is it any wonder that one gets depressed when unemployed in America? I was supposed to maybe have a college teaching job this summer, but that didn't work out. Come fall, I'll be employed again, but only sporadically, unless I get the college teaching post then, along with substitute-teaching. I need $1000/month to pay my bills, but am not allowed to make more than the $850, or my medical goes away. What kind of system IS this?? No wonder America is in trouble. It is trying very hard to kill off its poor people, and particularly its teachers!

Oh, I could go on and on, but won't. Many of us are trapped in circumstances that we just can't yet see our way out of...

Thanks, though, everyone, for your moral support. It really really helps. I spend every day searching for online work, have had just one lead to a possible job I've applied for, but haven't heard anything about yet. Weeks of searching, to find ONE job possibility, work that I could do at home.

I'd better sign off before I really go off on a wild tangent here. Needless to say, the whole situation in this country is pathetic and infuriating, designed to make the rich richer and the poor poorer!

Again, thanks for your kind thoughts. Now that I've ranted about it all a bit, I do feel better!

Big hugs from Margi and Spiritwolf

Hi, Margi, what you have shared is an accurate account of the state of America - - for its citizens. People can come from other countries and receive FREE health care - - including major surgeries that cost millions of dollars - - but a citizen of the US is plain out of luck if he / she has no health coverage - - or even worse - - if the health insurance provider considers the surgery or medical treatment to be "experimental" or denies the surgery / medical treatment simply because it can.

I have been paying for my own health insurance coverage since the automobile collision in August 1985. In order to afford the premium I have a high deductible. I have switched insurance providers several times through the years - -because of the ridiculous cost of premiums due to my now "pre-existing conditions." I just have a few years to go until I am eligible for Medicare when my "pre-existing conditions" aren't supposed to be an issue. And no doctor has encouraged or supported my applying for disability. I wouldn't be able to survive on disability alone, and from what I've read on the website I wouldn't be eligible for SSI or SSD because of the monthly allotment I receive from the settlement of the automobile collision - - which alone doesn't cover all the bills - - which is why I'm struggling - - both physically and emotionally - - through holding a part-time job.

This country has enjoyed the reputation of being "the best" on the planet, but no one country can enjoy the reputation of being "infallible", and this includes the United States. The politicians and individuals who are in the position of "decision making authority" really need to do some significant improvements for providing for our poor, disabled, unemployed, homeless, - -. Historically, this country was built on immigrants who were healthy and strong to literally build it. The poor and ill and disabled who came through the gates at Ellis Island were either shipped back to their country of origin or institutionalized in a sanitorium under horrendous conditions. This is history, folks - - sad but true.

There are States who do provide occasional free dental services. Virginia offers free dental services for ANYONE about once a year in the late summer, early fall. Once a year, and you have to pre-qualify for this. The civic center in the city was overwhelmed with people who showed up for the first time this service was offered, and the dentists just could not physically provide services for everyone who showed up. So, now folks who want / need this service have to go through a pre-qualification process. At least the area dentists are trying to do SOMETHING for the poor, unemployed, homeless, - - etc. And this makes me proud to be both a Virginian and a U.S. citizen. We may not always hit the mark on the bulls eye, but when I see an honest attempt made, it overwhelms my heart with joy.

This country has called itself "The United States," but this is one example how services differ from State to State. Even national programs like Medicare and Medicaid and nationally operated insurance providers (like Blue Cross Blue Shield) differ from how they are implemented and administered from State to State. I think we are now at a place in our national history where there needs to be less disparity on how common-based services - - such as health care - - is offered and administered from State to State. I am very upset with what the Virginia State Government is doing to try to sabotage this very integral and universal need with all of its citizens that was voted as necessary by our National Government. I am not a politician, and I just believe with all my heart that "politics" should not even enter into providing care - - whatever care is needed - - for our poor, homeless, ill, etc..

These are issues that are in desperate need of attention and resolution. Will it happen in my lifetime? Probably not, unfortunately not, sadly probably not. The national health care reform doesn't take effect until 2014 - - and that can change if a new Congress and President decides to rescind the reform - - OR the separate States that make up this "United States" succeed in their movement to rescind the reform through their separate and collective lawsuits against the Federal Government.

So, Margi, yes, I do understand what you are saying about how services are offered in this country. Unfortunately I can't give you a job, and I can't provide you with health coverage, and I can't pay your bills. But in spite of these deficiencies, I hope you know that you ARE a very valuable part of this Forum, you a VERY VALUABLE friend to me, and I am thankful for the privilege to know you and to call you my friend.

I hope and pray that cool breezes will come to soothe your tired heart and spirit, Margi, and that you will be blessed with the comforting presence of Spiritwolf's sweet Living Spirit at all times and in all circumstances.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

You know, I really can't believe how bad things are you for guys over there. People in the UK moan about our government, but from the sounds of things, we have it easy compared to you guys. It's made me realise how I take things for granted. We have the NHS (National Health Service), which is free health care for all - nobody in the UK has to pay to see a doctor, or to have hospital treatment. I just don't understand how a Country cannot have a scheme like this. How can somebody who is ill be refused treatment because they cannot afford it? It's disgraceful. You are human beings! And we have it pretty easy over here in terms of benefits. I have been unemployed for 3 months and get around £94 a week (don't know how much that works out in dollas) and will continue getting it until I find a job or start full time eductation (which the government is giving me a loan for, we don't have to pay for our tuition fees up front here). How can it run out after 6 months? You still need to live.

Oh, Margi, I guess the only thing you can do -- and the only thing WE can do -- is hope and pray.

Good luck with your jobsearch. You will continue to be in my thoughts.

Cheryl xx

Just checking in and testing my new Avatar. I just LOVE this picture.

Today marks one month since Ladywolf left me. I still kind of can't believe it--sometimes I feel like she's on a trip somewhere, and she will be coming home soon. Guess I'm in denial at this precise moment...

I'm doing...okay. Just barely. Being unemployed is monstrous, because I'm so READY to get back to work, and SO bored and sad.

Hugs from Margi and Spiritwolf

Dear Margi,

I haven't been on much lately, my home computer is about shot. But I wanted to check in say hello and I absolutely LOVE those pictures of Ladywolf. Gosh, she is just so beautiful.

I am so happy that she has come to visit you. That is wonderful. Take care of yourself Margi, and the best of luck in your job search. I sincerely hope things turn around for you soon. You're in my prayers.

Hugs,
Berta

Margi,

Your Avatar picture is STUNNING. Such a wise, beautiful wolf.

Glad you are doing 'okay'. Sometimes, at times such as these, that's all we can ask for.

Hugs, Cheryl x

Hi, Margi, your new avatar is WONDERFUL. Your beautiful Ladywolf was so photogenic in her physical body. I know first hand how the anniversaries can be challenging.

Please know you are close in my thoughts and prayers frequently throughout the day and before I close my eyes for sleep at night. Margi, I do so hope and pray that you will hear from your job inquiry sooner than soon, and that it will be a positive response. I hope that gentle breezes will come to soothe your weary heart and spirit, Margi, and that you will be blessed with the precious presence of your Spiritwolf at all times and in all circumstances.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Berta, Cheryl, and Moon Beam--

Thanks for all your words of support--they mean a lot to me.

I'm just sad today--plain old sad. I'm pretty non-functional because of it, though I did go swimming this a.m. I think I'm about to go back to bed for awhile--at 3 in the afternoon...

Hugs--Margi and Spiritwolf

Margi,

I'm kind of going down the list of postings, to see where people are at. I'm trying to get the nerve up to go for a a late night walk, but can't seem to do it, having never walked alone at night without Kota. By the time you get this message, I hope you were able to get some sleep from your 3:00 nap. It's only been a month, it's only natural that it's hitting you in this way...plus all the other stuff (Mazlow's hierarchy at the bottom level...food, shelter and clothing) that is hard to attain. I used to read this off-the-wall writer, Charles Bukowski...he wrote a book entitled, Sometimes You Get So Lonely, It Just Makes Sense. Don't ask me what makes sense, except like you said, coming to this site and writing. Live long and prosper.

Dennis

I'm doing better today--am glad that that anniversary has passed now--it seems like the most important one, just for me personally. (I know that your experience has been different, Dennis...)

But I feel liberated today from some of the sadness. It helped to find out that I may have another editorial job coming in in time to pay the electric bill, so I maybe won't have to live in the darkness. That I was NOT looking forward to. Really, I just have to somehow get through the summer without much work, and then in the fall I should be marginally okay again. This summer sucks. Last year, I was teaching children's art at this time; this year, there's nothing.

I've read Charles Bukowski, but it's been a long time. Is he worth re-reading again?

Thanks for everyone's support during the sad and the glad times!

Big Hugs from Margi and Spiritwolf