My name is Christine and I lost my dog, my child, my love on the eve of her 9th birthday. Cleo was an Australian Kelpie. My husband and I rescued her from a shelter when she was 10 weeks old. From the very beginning, poor Cleo was cursed with health problems. As a puppy, Cleo was diagnosed with a liver shunt. She went temporarily blind, her liver enzymes were out of whack, and she was having outrageous fevers for months. We were told her chances were small in making through the surgery. All these docs told us to put her down, but we just didn't have the heart to do so. Thousands of dollars later, we saved her life. The second we picked her up from the hospital, she was a brand new dog....but moreover, she was incredibly loyal. She knew we had saved her.

As she grew into a bigger dog, her personality just shone through. She was the kindest, sweetest, most obedient, loyal and loving animal I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Every person that was fortunate to meet her knew she was a "one of a kind dog". She did so many activities, of which she loved the most, swimming, hiking, playing at the park and playing in the snow. Anywhere we'd go and we'd let her off leash. Dog owners were just in dismay of the loyalty and obedience Cleo possessed. On our daily walks or swims, people would stop and ask where we trained our dog.......we just told them that we invested our time and love and in turn she has always had this amazing disposition.

At the age of 5, Cleo was diagnosed with arthritis. We increased her time swimming to keep pressure off of her joints. We took her weekly, if not 2-3 times a week, to a rehabilitation facility with a pool and all. She was a super star there. In fact, she was so well behaved and loved there that when CBS evening news did a spot on the rehab facility, Cleo was chosen as one of 10 dogs to represent their facility. I couldn't have been more proud of my Cleo.

Two and a half years ago, our family grew and we had a little girl, Isabel. Everyone warned me that the love for my child would outgrow the love for my dog.....that my dog would take the back seat. But when my Isabel was born, my love for Cleo grew even deeper. It was true that I never felt this kind of love for another human in the way that I love my daughter, but my love for Cleo grew with that was well. Of course it was true that Cleo didn't get as much attention as she did before Izzy was born, but my husband and I made it a point to continue to take her out every single day and do the things she loved. In fact, Cleo was so attached to me ever since my 1st pregnancy. She followed me everywhere and in fact, she got me through the first three months of my post partum depression. Cleo would stay up with me all night long when I was getting up every half hour. She was by my side while I cried. She comforted me at my lowest points in my life. Cleo was the ONLY things that kept me going. No matter how I felt and how anxious I got or how I felt I couldn't go on, Cleo made me realize life was worth living. Her comfort, including her hugs and kisses, were so special to me and I treasured them. There wasn't a night that went by that I didn't kiss her good night and tell her what a wonderful dog she is!

Back in late January, Cleo got very sick. She was very lethargic. We thought it was her arthritis getting the best of her. We took her to the vet and the diagnosis we got was devastating. Her gums were pale and they said we needed to take her in right away. We took her to the teaching hospital where she received treatment and surgery for her liver shunt as a puppy because it was a lot cheaper there. They diagnosed her with IMHA. We were devastated. We learned as much as we could about this destructive auto immune disease. She did not have cancer or a parasitic infection, which placed her in the category with 65% of other dogs where the cause of her IMHA was unknown. This of course still haunts me as I want answers as to WHY she got sick. She was placed on prednisone/azothiaprine therapy, which suppressed her immune system. She responded well at first to therapy, and I had to drive her 1 1/2 hour one way every week to the teaching hospital with a toddler in tow to check her PCV, liver enzymes, etc. Those trips were tough. We finally got Cleo balanced on her meds and she stabilized. However, her activity was severely restricted due to the possibility of a pulmonary embolism. That was her death sentence. How could I not ever take her swimming or hiking again? I couldn't even take her on a walk to the park????? We were just beside ourselves, but Cleo kept her head up and was such a fighter. About 5 weeks ago, Cleo took a turn for the worse. She got a urinary tract infection and crashed. I ran her, with toddler in tow, to the hospital. We were there for 8 long hours. Long story short, she was admitted to the ICU that night. I never cried so hard in my life....or at least not up to that point. I thought we'd lose her for sure. We didn't get a call in the middle of the night, so that was good news. They called at 9am that morning that Cleo responded well to antibiotic and prednisone treatment and that she could come home. We were ever so happy! But was she? Last week, gosh......this is so hard...........my husband told me that he woke up and that Cleo wouldn't come downstairs. He left for work and when i got up, I noticed that Cleo had thrown up ALL over the house. I thought she ate something weird. Later that day, I took Izzy to see a movie because it was a chilly day and I wanted Cleo to rest up without a screaming toddler in the house. I regret going to that movie. When I got home, she had thrown up more. I called the vet. They said that she just needed anti-nausea meds, but that i should bring her in for the 1st dose so they could inject it so she wouldn't throw it up. I took her and I noticed her breathing wasn't right. The vet checked her and said her lungs were fine.....the proceeded to giver her fluids and the anti-nausea meds and sent us on our way. I kept telling the vet that I thought her breathing was off and the poor thing couldn't even STAND UP?!?!?!? She said it was due to her stomach issues. So I took Cleo and she was barely limping behind me. I paid for the visit and while most dogs would be running out the door to go home, Cleo just laid there. I knew something was wrong. I would have picked her up, except that she was a 50+ lb dog and I am pregnant again. So I just encouraged her to follow me........and then......she was stumbling in the parking lot. Just as we got to the car, I looked at her, she swayed once, she put her nose to the ground and collapsed under my car. I screamed for help. People in the parking lot scrambled and I started screaming and crying to save my dog. They got her on the stretcher and took her to ICU. They stabilized her....her PCV was fine, her liver was fine, but it looked that she had another infection. They said they'd have to keep her overnight. So I stayed with her for another half hour or so in ICU just petting her and telling her how much I loved her. Her breathing was still very labored and didn't seem right to me. I left to go home. My husband I cried, but knew she was a fighter. I went to bed around 8:50pm that night and I distinctly remember telling my husband that Cleo was coming home in the morning because she is a fighter and that she always makes it. Just as I said that, the fateful call came in. I will never forget it. My husband answered and I could hear the vet say "Cleo is not doing good". She had gone into septic shock. We rushed to the hsp. We saw here there and she lifted her head to greet us, which she hadn't done all night according to the vet. I held her face in my hands and kissed her so many, many times and told her what a good girl she was and that i loved her so much. She looked at me and laid her head back down. That was the last time I would ever hold her! They said they could try a transfusion. Of course, I said "do whatever you can to save her life", but my husband was more realistic "even if she does make it, what kind of life will she have". But I didn't care. I wanted my dog, my child back in my arms in the morning. I couldn't say goodbye yet. It was her BIRTHDAY the next day and she was only going to be 9!!!!!! She had many years ahead of her in my mind......she had to move with us into our new house the following week......she had to be there when the new baby arrives. We drive back home......at 11pm we got the news that the transfusion did not work and it was time to say good bye. This is where I feel the most amount of guilt and shame. I couldn't go. I couldn't go say goodbye to her. I couldn't get it through my mind that she was leaving us. I gave my husband her blanket and her favorite toy. I sat there and was so out of control upset that I didn't know what to do. I know I just saw her, but because of my pregnancy, I was afraid that being there would tear me apart to the point where I was afraid for my baby's well being. But I know she needed me. I was there through EVERY treatment, through EVERY one of her pains and I saw her through EVERY crash when we almost lost her due to this STUPID disease. It emotionally tore me apart, yet I couldn't even go to hold her when she passed. It haunts me every day that she was looking for me. It tears me apart that I didn't get to tell her that I lover her. I cry morning, noon and night and I cannot function without her. It pains me even more to know how much she was suffering over the past 4 months, but she wouldn't even allude to any pain that she was going through.

Here I sit in my new, beautiful house. Ready to bring a new baby into this world. Raising my wonderful daughter. Yet I cannot get past the pain of the guilt and the pain of losing my "1st child". She meant the world to me. I loved her with every thing I am. I miss her. I miss how close we were. Cleo was the most affectionate dog. She would give hugs and kisses. She would smile. She would love us incredibly and I challenge any person to tell me that animals don't have the capacity to love. I cannot even put into words the relationship I shared with this incredible animal and now I don't know how to go on without her.

Loci, I don't even know where to begin. Your story brought a lump to my throat. What a wonderful mommy you were and are. Cleo sounds like an exceptional dog and friend and child! I'm so sorry you're going through this especially while being pregnant. It sounds like you've had alot of changes at once in your life and I hope the very best for you. Any one of those events is stressful enough but all at once is another thing!
I know you know that time is going to help this ease a bit. Gosh, you did so much for her! If she was really bad off during those last moments, maybe she didn't realize you weren't there. She had your scent on your husband, I'm sure. It sounds like you had one of those one-of-a-kind connections with her that I'm sure physical presence isn't necessary. She was obviously a brilliant dog so I'm sure she knew your condition being pregnant. They know so much more than we realize. There's no way she would blame you. But the blame isn't coming from her, is it? It's coming from you. It's easier said than done, I know, but you have to try to ease up on yourself a little. (And believe me, I'm a big one talk as I still blame myself months later) Now isn't the time for hurting yourself. This grief will take you over whether you place extra guilt on yourself or not. I think each person on this form has blamed themselves. I guess it's part of the process. I don't know.
Anyway, I'm so sorry about your 1st baby girl. There will never be another 1st. She loved you deeply and beyond. I know you miss and ache for every little thing about her. I pray that you will be able to get some rest. Just keep breathing in deep. These waves of grief are so hard. Everyone here understands. Please let us know how you are doing.
-Donna

Hi there Christine,

I just could not read and run - like you I have small children and recently lost my first doggy aby, Storm, who was 14. Anyway, I just wanted to say how sad your story was for your sweet Cleo, it's so terrible losing our first babies. You sure were a good Mommy to Cleo, my goodness, she could not have asked for a better home to go to! You and your husband deseve medals for all you have done with your doggy, especially with a wee one and another baby on the way! But I know that love, that wonderful love you can only get from a pet, so I can see why you did what you did.

Just wanted to say hello and let you know you are not alone, there are so many of us who are caught completely off guard when our pets pass on. Please take care and know that you did EVERYTHING possibe for your sweet doggy Cleo. I am so sad for you as I know that sorrow and sadness only too well.

Take care,

Moira

Christine,

Your love for Cleo is so evident. I am so sorry for your loss. I understand how you feel, as I am feeling the same way. It is very hard, I know. You and your husband took very good care of Cleo and did a lot more than most people would do. You gave her every opportunity in the world. She had a wonderful life and that was because of your love for her. Give yourself time to heal and take care of yourself. I know the feeling of guilt, as Donna mentioned we all feel it for one reason or another. Cleo knew how much you loved her, you have nothing to feel guilty about. She is no longer suffering and is happy and healthy once more.

Your and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Karen

Dear Christine
I am so sorry for the loss of your darling Cleo. I know that nothing we say will take away the dreadful pain and heartache that you are feeling, but please know that many of us here on this forum understand and send our heartfelt wishes of sympathy to you and your family.
Cleo knows how much she is loved . She'll always be such a big part of you, she has helped to make you who you are, and she'll be watching over you and the rest of her family from that beautiful, safe place where all our Angels are healed and free from pain.
You have so much to look forward to, and just think about how Cleo will want you and your husband, little Isabel and your new baby to be happy. Our happiness and well being are of paramount importance to our soul mate fur babies, whether they are 'physically' here with us or in the next phase of existence. Our Angels.
It's so hard I know but try and focus on the 'Happy' and less on the distressing times that you have just been through. Each day hopefully the pain will lessen. It is so plain to see that you did everything possible to love and care for Cleo, all through her precious life.

Thinking of you and your Cleo and your family.
Love and hugs
Jan and My Angels and Pixie x

Wow, thank you ALL for your thoughtful words of love and support. I cried through every response that I read here. It is amazing how animals enrich our lives and it sounds like every one of you have had the fortunate experience of sharing that bond. I find the most strength in knowing that there are those out there who share my immense pain, but also know that there is the belief that our pets are still very near to us, even though we cannot see them.

My daughter, who is only 2 1/2 was very confused when Cleo passed. At first she was even quite mad at Cleo because she thought that somehow Cleo has hurt us. She didn't understand that our hurt stemmed from us missing her. Three days after her passing, Izzy said to me "Did the doctor put Cleo in heaven with God?" I said "yes, she was very sick". She said to me "Don't cry Mommy, God will give Cleo wings so she can fly." So wonderful what comes out of the mouth of babes sometimes.

In any case, I attached a picture of our beloved Cleo.

Hi again!

Ha! What a cute picture! She looks like she was having a ball in the snow - maybe having a little taste of snow! Ms. Mischief trying to look innocent! My Storm LOVED the snow too, what fun we had when it snowed, which it rarely does around here, being on the West Coast and all! Anyway, what a nice picture of your little fighter.

Hope you have an okay day today, I know all that crying business only too well - and I am guessing pregnancy hormones don't help out too much on top of that....try to have a good day at least!!

Moira

Thanks Moira! Those dogs just LOVE snow. I swear it's like crack to them.

Hi Loci--

Let me add my condolences to everyone else's--I am so so sorry for your loss of your beloved Cleo. She looks like she was a marvelous girl, having a really good time.

I know what you mean about snow--my Ladywolf, who is dying now, is about 90% Alaskan Grey Timberwolf, 10% malamute, living in southern AZ. We do get snow here but not very often, and even this winter when she was already compromised by big tumors on one of her hind legs, she cavorted and played and made snow angels and just generally had a fine time!

You went through so much with Cleo, it does seem unfair that she died at only 9. I am so sorry for the guilt you are experiencing for not being with her, but I do understand it. Try to be gentle with yourself--you acted with the best possible motives at the time. Maybe it would have been just entirely too painful for both of you had you been there when she passed--maybe it was gentler the way it was.

It's awful, isn't it--all this newness in your life, but your thread to the past cut off like this, so young. I am, again, so very very sorry.

Big hugs from Margi and Ladywolf

I cried while reading your post. It is so obvious how much you loved Cleo.
You did so much for her. You gave her a wonderful life. My story was similar, in that I got a kitten that was very ill and near death and we saved her with help from the ICU and hourly feedings etc. My kitty loved me more than any other cat I ever had, so I know how you feel. It is quite a loss.
Take comfort in knowing that you gave Cleo a great life! Also know that Cleo is now at peace and not suffering anymore.
(((hugs)))

Today has been especially hard. My first Mother's Day without my baby. Today I miss her cuddling in bed with me. I miss her kisses and the way she would wake me up in the mornings by nudging my hand. I miss her face, her beautiful eyes and the smell of her paws. I miss her soft ears and the way she would love when I rubbed them. I miss the way she would roll on her back because she wanted me to pet her tummy. I miss her howl and the fact that she would sneeze after every bark. I miss her bringing me her floatie and dropping it at my feet telling me it was time to go swimming. I miss how she used to lay by my shower every day and would leave my side just so I wouldn't leave her at home. I miss the fact that she was obsessed with rocks and loved to chase them. I miss her wet nose nudging my arm to lift up so she could get a hug. I just miss everything about her.

My husband made me a video a couple years back for Christmas: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvvkjoHnF1g I had to share it because it actually made me smile and made me realize at the same time how sick she actually was the last 4 months......she was so happy and her spirit was so alive and free. I only hope she is as happy as she was back then.

Needed to vent. It's been a rough one.

Thinking of you this Mothers Day , Christine. I felt the same when we had our Mothers day here in Uk, back in March. The first Mothers Day without my Noushka.
I watched the video, it's marvellous, what a great memento you have of your precious Cleo. I loved watching it as it's so clear that she had the most wonderful life. What a beautiful girl ! You will be able to show it to Isabel and your new baby.

Love and Hugs

Jan and my Angels and Pixie x

Hi Christine! Happy Mom's Day to you, hope you are enjoying it with your little one. I watched your video, how cute! I love the swimming pool shots - what a great swimmer your doggy was, geez, I would have thought she was a Labrador the way she swam so well. That was very kind of your husband to do, it was very sweet. I also love the rain coat she wore! Ha! Stormy would have gone nuts if we put something like that on him, although around here it would be great as we get so much rain!! The scenery is beautiful too, wherever you live is gorgeous and Cleo seemed to like it just fine (I know it's that crack addiction!!).

So have a good Mother's Day, so sorry your Cleo is not here to celebrate it with you.

Bye for now.

Moira

Christine,

Thank you for sharing your video. I loved it, brought a smile to my face. It is a very special gift your husband has given to you. Happy Mother's Day!

Karen

Hi Christine--

Oh, what a marvelous video!! How lucky you are to have it now, and out there for the world to see too. Cleo looks like she was one intelligent, mischievous girl! I too loved the water and snow scenes--she was so BOUNCY and happy.

I wish I had something like that put together honoring Ladywolf, but I just have still photos, and I've never been able to get the "perfect" shot that really shows who she is completely...

I'm so sorry for your feelings of loss on Mother's Day, which should be a time of celebration, but they're totally understandable. I'm feeling them too--sadness over the loss of the "real" wolf, even thought she's still alive. I'm going to a Mother's Day Tea Party at a friend's house, and I can't take Ladywolf, 'cause she can't get up from my friend's slippery floor, so she will have to stay home alone while I'm gone. Pooh! She's the only child I have...

Oh, that video is terrific!!! Try to have a Happy Mother's Day, in spite of it all.

Big hugs--Margi and the Wolf

Thanks so much Margi! Your words mean so much.

I am so sorry to hear about your Ladywolf. I don't know what's going on with your baby, but it sounds like she's not doing so well. I am sending many hugs and much love your way. Just hold her and love her as much as you can!!!!!!!!

Thank you so much! I definitely treasure this video. Poor Cleo let us do ANYTHING to her, as she was so trusting. That was the first and last time she wore that rain coat. She hated that thing. Weird to find that rain coat when we were packing.....but it made me laugh.

Thanks Jan! It's weird how we used to celebrate Mother's Day WAY before we had kids, isn't it? We're just as much mother's to our animals as we are to our children.

Today I had a revelation of sorts about the immense guilt I still carry about not being there when Cleo actually passed. I did EVERYTHING to save Cleo's life. From months of taking her to the doctor, to seeing her crash several times in front of me to finally telling the doctor's to do everything that they could to save her life that night. It dawned on me that even when I saw her for the last time at 9pm, that although I knew deep inside that spending another $2,000 on the transfusion was a waste of $ because more than likely she wasn't going to make it, I had to try. I know, for a fact, that I would have NOT been strong enough to let her go and tell the doctor that it was time. My husband, who craddled her in his arms, told her what an incredible girl she was to us, told me that Cleo gave him the sign that she was ready to go. A lot of people say that. But for me, I don't think I would have seen the sign and seen passed the fact that I wanted her to come home with me. I don't think I would have been able to go through with it and for some reason, it was better that I said goodbye to her two hours earlier. As hard as it was knowing that she was looking for me as she was so attached to me, I have to be kind to myself knowing that she has to know how much I loved her and how I will ALWAYS love her.

Now I feel like my hurt is geared towards pure anger about a disease I have no idea about. Some say that the ingestion of onions and garlic can lead to IMHA. Of course, I think about all the times I let Cleo lick my plate and it had onions on it. Or the time I gave her my steak wtih a ton of garlic on it. Then I start to feel responsible that maybe I killed my child. I hate it. I hate the disease.

I just had to get that out..........................

Hi Loci,

I too read your post with bug tears in my eyes - Cleo's story is simular to mine but more so the guilt that I carry around (and still do!!). That plus the fact that I am going through this grief like you with a little one inside of me also!! I lost my baby boy Tonka when I was 14 weeks pregnant (I am 20 weeks now) and it has been one of the most highly emotional times I have ever experienced.

My Tonka was diagnosed with a tumor of the spleen just by the vet feeling his tummy - it was that big that no xrays were needed (about the dize of a football) and that is where my guilt comes from - I never had the tests! What if the vet was wrong? Could I have done more to save my boy? We made the decision to put him to sleep Friday morning so that he would no longer suffer. My point is, no matter what we do for our pets, we all feel guilty for some part of the process. Did we do it too soon? Did they suffer for too long? I should have been there? You know, even if you were there - you would naturally find something else to feel guilty for -unfortunately, it's all a part of the grieving process!!

I am so sorry that you lost your Cleo, he sounds so much like my Tonka that I could so relate to how you are feeling! I have to say, that is the cutest photo that you put on here!! My Tonka was a Rottweiler and even their colours were simular!!! I too felt the pain of spending my first Mother's Day without my boy in 10 years but I know that they are still around and would not want us to be upset.

Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself time to heal.... Please don't feel guilty about anything, it's the evil part of the grieving process that takes a hold on us all at some stage but please be strong enough to shake it off!! I say that and I am still trying myself

Take care and please let us know how you are going (as well as you pregnancy!!!)

Kristy

Hi Kristy!
I am so sorry to hear about your baby Tonka. It's so hard to go through the grieving process and being pregnant on top of it doesn't help as you feel the stress, pain and emotion coursing through your body and affecting your baby. I try to tell myself often times to stop allowing myself to think all these thoughts and feel this immense guilt and be good to my baby (I am now 16 weeks pg and lost Cleo when I was 13 weeks pg). Everyone tells me "Cleo wouldn't want you to be so sad and she would want you to take care of that baby!" But I cannot help it. I miss her as if I lost my own child.

But.....I will (and I am sure you will too) make an effort to at least try and be more kind to ourselves. Your boy was suffering for a reason and he was suffering badly! Tumors can be felt through the abdomen, so they probably did not misdiagnose him. In fact, when they wanted to rule out a tumor as one of the causes for Cleo's IMHA, that is exactly what they did to Cleo as well.

On that note, I hope we can be a support for each other through this hard time and being pregnant. I ordered an engraved head stone for Cleo for the garden in our new home. I want her here with me in some way.

Hope you're having a good day!!!!! For me, I seem to do pretty well during the day, but the nights seem to be the worst!

Cleo is coming home today. I don't know how to feel about this! My baby left me sick and dying and now she is coming home in an urn. I don't know what I will do when I see her like that. I am at work and tears are just streaming down my face (how embarrasing), especially after my husband called me and said that the vet said she was "ready". In my mind, even though I know she passed on April 23rd, a part of me always had this weird thought that she was just gone for awhile and that she would be back. Now there is proof that she is most definitely NOT coming back. This is truly the end. My heart aches and I am NOT looking forward to seeing my baby in an urn. I don't know if I can bear to see it.

Hi Christine,

I know how you feel, as I received that call today telling me that Shelby's remains are ready to be picked up. My husband will go and get her - for some reason I am not able to pick her up. When my husband brought Casey home, it gave me a feeling of peace - like he was home where he belongs. Hopefully you will feel the same way about Cleo and me with my Shelby. It is so hard to tell with these emotions what we will feel - it's a roller coaster to say the least. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care.

Karen - Angel Shelby and Angel Casey

I wanted to add that I truly believe we will be reunited with our fur-kids someday.

Oh Karen, I really hope I feel like that too. A part of me wants her home so badly. Another part of me sees how final this all is. Such a beautiful creature now confined to this urn. But.....I have to realize it is just her body.....nothing more, nothing less. Just a shell....a sick body that has no use for this world anymore. Her spirit is all around me and I hope I will feel some of that when I "see" her.

Thanks for your response. It means so much!!!
-Christine

Last night was almost as hard as the night that Cleo passed. My husband called me crying hysterically.....I never heard him like that before......he had picked Cleo up. They placed her in a bag, which surprised me initially since we ordered an urn for her. My husband ended up getting her bed and placing her on her bed where she would have slept and then covering with her blanket. I wasn't quite ready to see her yet and it was a little too eerie for me. For me it was the image of her body no longer looking like her body, but fitting into a bag. It was unreal to me. I went upstairs, crying like the day she left us, and I saw her laying on her bed and all of a sudden a calm came over me. To me, she wasn't there in that bag, how could she be??? To me, she was sitting next to me.....her spirit was all around me......she was finally home. I am not sure what we will do with her remains, but it really doesn't matter to me at this point. I have had such vivid dreams of Cleo where she has come to me....happy and healthy and full of life. That tells me that she is free of her body and that is how I want to see her and remember her. I have ordered a head stone to put in our garden so I can sit and talk with her whenever I want to and know that she is there with me always.

Loci, I'm so sorry for you and your husband that this was so hard. I'm glad though that you were able to get some peace while you were lying down. I wish I'd have good dreams like that. I know it would help. I seem to only have eerie ones. I hope her spirit stays with you and comforts you always.
My thoughts are with you as you go through this. Unfortunately, we don't get over it, we have to get THROUGH it. And that stinks.
-Donna

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Hi Loci
Your video was wonderful. Your girl was very talentedYou will always have that to watch and see you angel. I wished I would have taken videos along the years to see my angels running and doing what they loved. I have alot of pictures but it isnt the same as seeing them alive and having fun. I am glad you found peace when you brought her home. That is how I felt when I went back to get my Max I was having him cremated then changed my mind and went back to get his body I had been crying for 2 days after I left him at the vet then I called and ask if they still had his body and when they said yes he hadnt been picked up yet I rushed back to get him. I held him as my husband dug his grave and I cant tell you how much at peace I was that I went and brought him home. With our Dozer we had to have him cremated and when we went to get him it was very different we took a 145Lb dog and picked him up in a urn the size of a coffee can which wasnt even the size of his head. My husband and I cried all the way home with him. But I have a sense of peace now knowing he is here in the house with us. I try to tell myself like you, its just the remains of the body he occupied. His spirit and soul is what really matters. I feel his presence and have heard him here several times. Many times since bringing him home I can be in bed or in the other room and I can smell a very strong odor of burnt ashes as if it was right under my nose. I will say to him I know you are here my angel. Please dont feal guilty for not being there, you said your goodbye's earlier and she knew how much you loved her that is so plain to see. I can tell you had you went back then you would have that last vision of her to deal with and beleive me that isnt easy either. I can still vision my Smokey and Max taking thier last breath and it is still hard to deal with. So please dont feel guilty. Thinking of you and your pretty angel girl Cleo

Hugs
xoxo
Anna & My Angels Dozer and Max Smokey,and Lady

Hi again,

Yes, you are right about being pregnant and feeling the extra emotions really takes it out of you!! I am sure it is no easier mind you for those that aren't pregnant!!!

I hope that you are finding the days easier and like you, I find it harder at night time. Every night I cry, without fail even though I think that I am doing good throughout the day!!! Cleo wouldn't want you to be sad but I know how hard it is to get that through sometimes!

I also fully believe that they are around us all the time, still protecting us as though they were here. I might have mentioned this but I have 1 out of 6 down lights in my main living area that doesn't work and hasn't worked for months before Tonka went to sleep. Anyway, when we returned home from the vets, my husband and I were sitting on the lounge suite (right near this light) crying and comforting each other when all of a sudden this damn light came on out of the blue!! We both looked at each other and cried even more as to both of us, this was a sign from Tonka! These days, that light works occasionally and to me, it's Tonka coming home when he pleases. Strangely enough it brings me some peace in knowing that he can come and go and that where ever he is when he is not home, he is having a great time!! In fact, we had an electrician come around the other day to check some other lights in our house after a recent major storm and there was no way that I was going to let him fix my Tonka light - that's Tonka and he'll let us know when he wants to that he wants to come home - probably for a rest from all that playing he is up to. My point is, yes, I am sure that they are around us in their own way and to me, that is comforting!!!

Anyway, I sure hope that you are coping ok now that Cleo us home. It is hard to get used to, afterall it is so hard to get over your best friend that you have had for so many years in such a short time!!

Hang in there, you are one day closer to coming through the other end tough time and we are all here to help each other, afterall I'm nowhere near it myself

Take care

Kristy

Donna, Anna and Kristy- Thank you SO much for your kind words. You have NO idea the kind of comfort I have received from your words and from others here. It's so amazing the comfort you find from people going through the same pain.

Today we received a card from our vet. It was actually really sweet and the vet made sure to let us know that we did absolutely everything in our power to save her. For some reason, to hear that from the vet made me feel really good. But God, I miss Cleo so much! It's a cold rainy day today and I was listening to Tom Petty and Wildflowers came on. The lyrics made me instantly think of Cleo for some reason (I know not all the lyrics apply, but still).....

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
Sail away, kill off the hours
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, find you a lover
Go away somewhere bright and new
I have seen no other
Who compares with you

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
You belong with your love on your arm
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, go find a lover
Run away, let your heart be your guide
You deserve the deepest of cover
You belong in that home by and by

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong somewhere close to me
Far away from your trouble and worry
You belong somewhere you feel free
You belong somewhere you feel free

Thanks Anna for that beautiful picture of Cleo!

Out of curiousity, what do you feel about spreading your beloved pet's ashes? I cannot have Cleo's ashes in our bedroom. It makes me SOOOO upset seeing my once happy and healthy baby confined to a small space. I am beside myself. I want her spirit to surround me, not her ashes. I wanted to bury her under a tree in our back yard where I plan to place the headstone we bought to commemorate her. My husband, on the other hand, feels like we should go to the reservoir where Cleo loved to swim and spread her ashes there instead. He feels that burrying her in our back yard will be too painful and our new house wasn't her home any way. He feels that "letting her go swimming one last time" will set her free and she will be able to go wherever she wants now. I don't know how I feel about this. I part of me wants to keep her home and always have her presence there in our yard, but then I can see that releasing her would be wonderful because that is what she always loved. I guess I just don't know how I will react if I see her ashes released. I am not sure how I will feel passing by that reservoir EVERY day to and from work.

What are your thoughts? What have you done, or are you planning to do, with your pets?

Hi Loci--

Here's what I've done--separated the ashes into two or three bags and scattered/buried them in different places. Maybe someone else could do it for you if you don't want to do it yourself--the dividing up part.

I always told my beloved Poco Loco that someday we would move back to Colorado (from New Jersey and Cape Cod where we ended up living with my parents the year that she died.) I wanted to bury her in my parents' yard, I wanted to scatter her ashes over the sea in Cape Cod, and I wanted to take her back to Colorado--so I ended up doing all three things, and it was immensely satisfying! Solved the dilemma right nicely, it did.

So that would be a simple "solution" to your "problem"-- do both! Bury part of her in the yard right near you, and release part of her to the freedom of the water...

Whatever you end up doing will be the right thing, anyway. The idea is to somehow return Cleo to nature, and feel good about doing so. I too have always either buried or released ashes, instead of keeping them indoors, where it felt "unnatural" to me to have them...

Blessings to you with your decision, and your feelings of grief--

Big hugs--

Margi and Ladywolf

Margi,
That's a great idea. That way I know that part of her is still here with us, but still we are allowing her to be scattered in a place she loved so much. I actually live in Colorado. We just love it here. Glad to know you loved it here too. Again, I really like the idea and I will talk it over with my husband.

I am having a hard "Cleo day". It's been over 4 weeks now. So hard to imagine. The weekend wasn't too bad with its ups and downs of course. I was able to get out and spend some time with friends and with my family, which always helps. But I completely lost it today. I cannot stop crying. I miss my baby so much and it tears me apart. Although I see her pictures and watch her video, I get scared that I cannot remember what she felt like when I pet her or how her paws smelled. Almost like I am forgetting her or something. I don't know. I am just blabbering. I just miss my dear, sweet girl.

Dear Loci--

Unfortunately, the grieving process is a prolonged, drawn-out process. I'm sorry you were having a "bad Cleo day," but a month is nothing in the overall scheme of our grief. I have found that it came to "attack" me at the most unexpected moments and places--for example, I'd be in a shoe store--not a place that you would normally relate much to dogs--and I'd see the running shoes and remember that I could never go running with Diva Dane ever again, and I'd suddenly become a blubbering idiot and stay that way for two days--long after she had died. There's no way to control it, not that I've found. One just has to ride the tides of grieving, which you are doing...

But again, I'm sorry you had such a rough day. Be gentle on yourself--do some nice things for yourself--this grief episode too shall pass.

Much Love from Margi and the Wolf

That's so funny you say that Margi because that is when I lose it the most. When I walk down the pet food aisle and I catch myself reaching for her treats that I used to buy her......or when I pass a Petco.....or when I see all the dogs swimming in the reservoir. Or like you said, in the most unpredictable places......when I am taking a shower and I look down and I am so used to seeing Cleo laying there waiting for me. I just think how unfair it is that my baby is no longer here. I know the grieving process takes time.......I just don't want to lose these fond memories I have of her.

Dear Loci--

The trick of the mind, a GOOD trick, is that you will never lose the fond memories, but the PAIN will fade in time. Mostly our minds are totally unbridled creatures, out of our control, focusing mostly on the worst things they can, but when it comes to grieving, they seem to have some logic to them. We suffer for a long time, and then we don't, and we never know when that transition will happen.

("My mind is a dangerous neighborhood that I should never wander into alone" Annie Lamott.)

Keep the faith--you will always remember Cleo vividly and fondly, forever and ever.

Big hugs from Margi and the Wolf

I know we all suffer for such a long time, but the past few days have just been horrible. It's been a month and a half and I think my grieving is much worse recently. I am so unbelievably angry at the world and at every person who still gets to enjoy their dog. I get so mad when someone tells me to get another dog to help ease the pain because I want to scream and yell "how could you even tell me that????? There is no dog that could replace Cleo." I know getting another dog isn't necessarily to replace Cleo either, but to me it's like saying "you've lost your child, why not try for another one" or "it's JUST a dog, get over it".

I get upset that Cleo got this disease when she was totally healthy a year ago. I keep thinking how she should have been with us for at least 3-4 more years. I keep thinking of the days to come......I enjoy my time with my daughter and I am starting to realize how wonderful it will be to add another to the family in 20 weeks from now, but I cannot help to think that one of my children is missing........ I cannot help to think that I am so lost without her. She was my rock in SO many ways.

I don't know how to cope. We still have not spread her ashes, although I do think it's time. So sorry for lashing out. I just miss her beyond belief. Although my husband is extremely supportive and misses Cleo as I do, I think he'd worn down from me talking about Cleo, so I had to just get it out somewhere. I have always been able to keep it together. I have always been so strong. But losing Cleo has totally broken who I am and I have fallen to pieces. It's so weird to say, but she was definitely my soulmate of sorts. Someone who understood me and comforted me in ways no human ever could.........

dear loci
i just read your post for the first time and it completely brought me to tears. i am so so sorry for your loss. as i read your story, i could touch the love you felt for your first child. i completely understood when you said that cleo was your soulmate and its not a wierd thing to say. our furbabies are gifts on loan to us. they teach us so much and at the same time offer nothing but unconditional love without expecting anything in return. you were a wonderful mom to cleo. unfortunately our "gift's" are only with us for too short a time and then we are left with the incredibly deep pain. There will never be another dog that can replace Cleo, but she can and will live in your heart forever. and you know, i still have my babies ashes in my house. i dont know, i just feel better knowing he's still with me. its comforting in a way. the only way to cope is to allow yourself to feel everything youre feeling. you dont have to be strong. you will only make yourself sick if you try and cover up youre grief. youve suffered a very big loss and its ok to feel everything that youre feeling. i certainly know what youre going thru–i remember going into my bedroom and screaming as loud as i could into my pillow. there were times when i thought i would never ever see the light; i felt like i was drowning and i couldnt reach the surface. i couldnt breathe. i would end up in fetal position and sob and every part of me felt like it dying but i can tell you that i see the light now. i can promise you that time heals. take it minute by minute and dont forget to breathe. cry when you have to. scream when you have to. and know that cleo has her wings now and is looking out for you and your family and especially your new little one that is yet to come.
write often. this is the place to write your feelings out. we all understand and we are here to help you get thru this most difficult time. my last baby fred died a little over a year ago. when i miss him the most, i like to think that he is laying underneath a tree. the sun gently kisses his little face as he cuddles with his brother riley. perhaps cleo is with them now.
you are in my thoughts and prayers
patricia

What a beautiful post, Patricia. Thank you for your wise words--I'm sure Loci will appreciate them as well.

Margi and the AngelWolf

Hi, Loci, please permit me to offer you my belated sympathies in the loss of your beloved Cleo. I have been reading through your topic. One thing I want to say up front: clinical studies show that men grieve differently from women. This does not mean that they don't care as much, it just means that they grieve differently - - you know - - "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus" syndrome.

Like you, it's hard for me to avoid the dog food aisles in the pet store or grocery store. It still brings a lump to my throat that my handsome Black Lab, Oslo, is no longer here. My precious little kitty son, Noah, is my sole surviving fur child in a household that used to have 4 thriving fur kids 4 years ago, with two of them recently going to join the angels within 4 months of each other.

Your journey is still so very current, Loci. The emotions are so ready at the surface, and anger is one of the hardest grief emotions to deal with, along with all the others. Illness is one of the few things we have absolutely no control over, and unfortunately the physical bodies of our beloved companions do not always respond to treatments as we want them to, as we pray for them to, as we bargain for them to, as we expect them to with all the modern treatments at the disposal of our beloved's veterinary practitioners.

Loci, our beloved companions offer to us their undivided attention and unconditional love. We, in turn, surrender ourselves to them completely -- the better part of ourselves - - that is only reserved for and shared with just them. We do form a bond with them that is deeper and richer because of this. So, what you say about your precious Cleo being your soul mate is quite normal and natural, and nothing to feel apologetic about. This is not a negative reflection on the bond that you have with your husband and other loved human family members and friends.

Loci, I know I'm new to your topic in posting, but I have been following your topic. Please know you are close in my thoughts and prayers, and I pray that you will have a safe pregnancy and delivery, and a very healthy and happy baby. Cleo will be there celebrating this new life with you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

P.S. I tried to post this last night but my ISP went down and lost all internet access - - very frustrating.

Patricia and Moon_beam, I cannot thank you enough for your kind, heart-felt words. It's individuals like you who realize and have experienced that bond with their beloved pets that can truly understand the grief. I closed my office door and just sobbed reading both of your posts. It comforts me in so many ways. I do allow myself to grieve (I just try to do it in private), but I just get these spurts of anger about my loss and I get so frustrated that I get blinded by that anger. I try to focus on the good times and remember how very happy Cleo made me, but then the anger just sets in, and like my 2 1/2 year old, I just think it's unfair. I know it will pass. I know these are just the stages of grief. I guess I just didn't realize how incredibly difficult this was really going to be!

i have said this many times before; i am so blessed to be part of a wonderful community of people that truly love life and consider our furry friends to be a big part of our lives. they are our family. you are a part of this community, dear loci. every once in a while though, i wish i was like others, that disregard the passing of our beloved family members as if its nothing, they feel nothing. they get over it so quickly. its only fleeting because i quickly realize how truly blessed we are to have our wonderful furbabies with us. even if it is for a short period. i truly believe we are better people for having them. you are a better person for loving sweet cleo. and you are so right: it is so much harder than we realize. in my lifetime, i have lost my father, which was incredibly hard but when i lost my babies, well, words cannot describe. it went so much deeper. for the longest time i wondered why that was and it is BECAUSE they are gifted to us in order to teach us love. they are 100% pure love, thats it. we can get angry with them, brush them aside at times and anything else and they are still by our side. they teach us how to live life to the fullest. they are such amazing creatures.
its ok to be angry. be angry. scream if you have to. it IS unfair. they are taken from us too soon. if only we could have them for even one more day... what we wouldnt give! i wish i could tell you something, anything that would take your heart ache away, but i know there isnt anything. i wish i could tell you how to cope but i cant. i still have days where i just dont want to get out of bed. so give your wonderful sweet baby girl and husband big hugs. you all need each other right now. cleo had a beautiful life because of her family. you will always be a part of her as she will always be a part of you. tell her that, talk to her. she's upstairs watching over you.

“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.”
~ Will Rogers

you will see cleo again loci. please take comfort in that. it is what i hold onto most dearly in this life. i know that one day i will be reunited with my beloved babies. it is going to be such a wonderful day when little fred jumps into my arms and i will call out cleo's name because i know that she will lead me to you and i can give you a big big hug in person.
you are always in my prayers
patricia

Here come the water works. I cannot express how much I truly relate to what you just said. I have lost people close to me as well, and never has it affected me in the way that Cleo's passing has affected me. And you're right.....it's because Cleo's love (our furbabies love) is 100% pure. There is no judgment. There is no recourse. There is always forgiveness. There is always love there. If we could only be MORE like our animals, what a wonderful world this would be. I do feel at peace knowing that we gave Cleo a great life and we never went a day without telling her how much we loved her. All I wish, is that I hope she understands just how special she was to us. Like you said, the unfairness stems from seeing other people not caring for their animals and it does come from "what would I GIVE to have my baby back in my arms".

I would love to meet you in a place where both Cleo and Fred reside. I cannot wait until that is a reality!

Patricia - what a beautiful post. And so very true.

Hope you are feeling okay today, Loci. Your topic is so very touching because the LOVE you felt (and still feel) for Cleo just jumps out from the pages.

Big hugs, Cheryl X

My dearest Cleo,
I write to you here because it seems like while so many have moved on, I am still in so much pain. I watched a video of you that I'd never seen before this weekend of you playing with Izzy. To see you reluctantly play with her, as she was only about a year and a half, touched me so much because you were so kind, sweet and trusting. You sure had a heart of gold that was unmatched. In the video, you came up to me telling me "ok, I have had enough can I come cuddle with you instead?" and I held you tight and scratched your ears and pet your fur and oh, how I miss doing that every day! That killed me.....watching us interact like that. I just don't know why I cannot cope with your loss.

Tomorrow we find out the sex of the new baby. I know you would be following me around the house and keeping me safe and watching over me if you were still here. You would have loved our new house. I keep missing you on every hike I go on or every time I pass by the reservoir, your favorite place to swim. And to think how far we drove to take you there every weekend and that now we're only a mere 5 minutes away from it ........but you are not here anymore and I cannot take you like I loved to do and watch you do one of your most favorite things in the world. We're even going up to the mountains to the condo this weekend for Father's Day. The first time since your passing. I don't know how I will feel when I enter that place and you're not there with us. Kills me.

In any case, I must go. I hope you can hear my words even though they are typed. I hope you know that I think about you every day. I hope you know that I dream about you every night. I hope you know how much I still, and always will, love you.

you are very kind cheryl. and loci, thru tears, i read and loved what you wrote for cleo. be assured that she "hears" everything that is in your heart, because thats where she lives now. youre so right when you said if we could be more like them. how true that is! we would be more tolerant of each other, we would love so fiercely, we would listen to one another, never judge, never accuse. what a wonderful world we would live in. perhaps there would be no more wars.
im so glad that you lived everyday to its fullest, telling cleo how much you all loved her. i learned that lesson the hard way but never again will i miss an opportunity to tell my new furbabies how much i love them and cherish every moment i have with them. please be assured that cleo DOES know how special she was to all of you, you just told her. and by no means dont ever doubt, even for a second, how special all of you were to her. whenever you feel like telling her, tell her. shes only a "voice" away. and now with the new baby on its way, she will unwrap her little paw around the three of you, if only for a second, to re-wrap around the four of you. how blessed you were to have her in life and still are to have her watching over your family.
its so hard to cope. one day were fine and the next we cant stop crying. we miss our routines with them. we miss their kisses, their unconditional love, their presence, their nails clicking on the tile, their wagging tails, their beautiful smiles. but lets hang on to that day ok? that happy day when you and i will meet face to face with our beloved furbabies
you know, i cant help but think that cleo did a wonderful job teaching you so much about life and love. here you are expecting your second child and i bet that one day when your children look back on this, perhaps looking thru a photo album, perhaps just walking down memory lane with their mom, they will be forever grateful because cleo helped create an even more special mom, a mom that is so very special because of her four-legged faithful companion and teacher. we are better people for having them in our lives and they are worth all this pain that we endure when they are gone, for i would go thru all of this pain again; gladly; if i could hold fred again and feel his little tongue on my face, rub his little ears, and have him cuddle at my feet every night.
keep writing to cleo. let her know how hard this is on you, how much you miss her, how much you love her and how special she was to you. give hugs to your family. let them know how special and loved they are. cleo will love that.
big hugs ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) from someone who cares and understands.
you are in my thoughts and prayers
patricia

Oh Patricia, you just know the right things to say. Your post brought me to tears once again. How lovely to think that Cleo will still be "present" in our lives although I cannot be physically with her. I know she has opened a part of my heart and loved me for who I am. I cannot say that about anyone else but her, at least in sense of unconditional love. I will forever and always treasure our bond. I will always be thankful for having her in my life, even though it was for a shorter period of time than I wanted. I guess it will take a lot of time for me the heal and move on. I just have to come to terms with that. It's been almost 2 months and it hurts even more now for some reason. It's that ache that grabs a hold of me due to the incredible loss I am experiencing. I just love her so damn much!

Oh and by the way, we found out we're having another beautiful girl!!!! I am so fortunate.

Loci,

Congrats on your upcoming new addition. Two months isn't that long, after such a loss as you have had with Cleo. Your first posting, May 7, was the day I put down my Kota, almost 17 years old. I'm now in my second month without her, and like you, when the pain comes it hurts just as much as it ever did. Various friends and people look at me and say I'm doing fine, but when I talk about the loss, it goes over their heads. I know that nothing will ever replace the void left by Cleo. It's great you'll soon have a new living being to focus your love upon, and I'm sure you'll tell her all about Cleo. Thinking about you.

Dennis