Hi Mommy
I dont want you to be sad I am ok and having fun doing my new job in heaven? I know how proud you are of me. I am sending you lots of love sealed with my little paw print.

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Love Your Angel Niles
xoxo

Donna
That is a wonderful picture of Niles and Frasier they truely were beautiful. They both looked
like true angels. Hope you have a better day.

Anna and my Angels
xoxoxo

Thanks Anna for the picture. That's really cute. Thank you for commenting on their picture, too. They were and still are angels. And devils at the same time.
Thank you to everyone for supporting me. Losing them and facing losing Buck is some of the biggest stuff I've ever dealt with. And it's all come at a very volatile time in my family so there's just stress upon stress.
Thanks again.
-Donna

Donna
I hope you are doing better today. I know what you mean about stress. I have tons of it myself and I just wish something good would happen for a change. Your kitties were so beautiful-I have not figured out how to do the picture thing here yet. I can see why you want to kiss their belly. They just look so content in that picture. I wish I could say something more encouraging-right now I am having a very rough time as well so I know how you feel. I hope your new kitty settles in more soon.

sad, thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry that you're having a hard time too. Yes the stress of so many things on me at once is about to break me. When it rains, it pours.
I hope you'll have a better day tomorrow.
-Donna

My boy Niles.

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Hi, Donna, what a beautiful boy Niles is. I hope today has been a decent day for you. I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Niles, Mommy's special friend. Kisses to you on your forehead where I linger and breathe in your scent. I ask you if you can feel it. Can you feel the love pouring to you as I hold my face against yours? I miss you so much, little worm. I didn't want you to have to cry. I didn't want you to see it coming. Frasier and Buck didn't have to. I didn't want you to. I wanted there to be no distress. That night I watched you trying to sleep. I watched your sides breathe in and out. I kept watching for the last breath. I kept willing for the last breath. I prayed for the last breath. I didn't want it but I knew it was coming and I wanted it to be when you were sleeping. My little man, it didn't happen that way, did it?
It's been almost 6 months and I'm just beginning to let the memories of that night come forward. I've been trying to hold it off all this time. And all I keep telling myself is that I didn't want you to have to cry. Forgive me, I did the best I could. I wanted you to pass here at home. It just didn't work out the way I prayed. I don't understand why God allowed you to suffer because of my decisions. Daddy keeps reminding me that you died here surrounded by our love. You died in his arms. He wrapped himself around you and you slipped away. It should've been me. It should've been me wrapped around you. When push came to shove, I fell to the floor and prayed like a lunatic. I kep wringing my hands over and over begging God to just take you. In my mind I lifted you up to Heaven and held you there for eternity until He took you. But in reality, I laid on the floor rocking back and forth. I couldn't hold you. It should've been me holding you. You were my precious angel. My precious angel.
I didn't want you to have to cry. I can still hear your cries. I'm so sorry. My precious angel. Please forgive me.
-Mommy

Hi Donna
I am so sorry that you are feeling all the pain that you are feeling. I know we try
so hard to forget that awful day, night. But somehow it comes rushing back with
no warning. Your Niles had the most forgiving eyes and I know he has forgave you
he knew how much you loved him. I know we dont understand why and how some
of our angels leave us but hopefully we will know gods plan one day. Sending you
a big hug.

Anna and my Angels
xo

Oh, Donna. I cried while reading your post. My heart goes out to you, it really does. We know, while here on this Earth that animals live in the moment. They don't hold grudges. It must be that way in heaven too, right? Niles knew how much you loved him (and he knows how much you still love him). He knows you would never intentionally do anything to make him suffer. You did what you thought was best for him. You weren't to know how it would end, Donna, there was really no way of you knowing. Niles has no need to forgive you -- there is nothing to forgive you for. It wasn't your fault, it really wasn't. I wish I could take all your guilt and pain away. I'm so glad that you managed to write that letter to Niles and that you're starting to process everything. As painful as it is, I think it's the only way to move forward.

I'm so sorry, and I really hope you manage to find some peace soon.

Sending you big hugs -- cheryl xx

Dear Donna, your letter to Niles brings tears to eyes and a hard lump to my throat. I can feel your pain and aguish in your letter, deep seering grief in your heart and soul. I'm glad you are finally beginning to process your grief, Donna, a little bit at a time. Cheryl has said what is in my heart so well - - so please read her post frequently, print it out and put it up on your refrigerator to look at often - - every day.

I do understand your questioning God about how Niles died, for I find myself still burdened with how my mom died. And I also know that God understands. People would come into my hospital room and tell me that what happened was "God's Will." I looked at them and said that, if this is truly the case, then I have nothing left to say to God for as long as I live - - both now and for all eternity. Many folks looked at me as if I was being blasphemous, but God knew that what I said was very much a part of me, and He knew I wasn't kidding.

Donna, as Cheryl said, so I confirm it: As painful as it is to process the grief that is in your heart, it really is the only way to begin moving forward. This does not mean that you will forget Niles or Frasier or Buck. It doesn't mean that the way Niles joined the angels won't still tug at your heart. But what it does mean is that, eventually, the events of the last moments, hours, of your precious Niles' journey on this side of eternity will not be the only dominant memory you have. It does mean that you will be able to remember your precious Niles and be able to smile - - which is what he wants for you, especially for you, always for you.

Donna, we are here with you and for you and beside you. I hope you will feel our collective as well as individual encouragement reaching out to you across the cyber miles as a source of comfort to you. Please know you are frequently in my thoughts and prayers every day, dear Donna, and always look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you all so much for your replies. They are very comforting. Moonbeam, I understand what you mean about not wanting to talk to God about your mom's passing. My mom has said many times, "Go ahead and tell Him you're mad at Him. He can handle it." And I believe that it's ok to be mad and to tell Him you don't understand and you don't think something was fair. He knows our thoughts anyway so you might as well say it out loud and make yourself feel better in the process, right?
After Frasier died I gave my thanks that it was peaceful for him. After Niles died, I just told God that I wasn't ready to talk to him about it and that I wasn't thankful yet. I know his passing could have been alot worse but that's really not a comfort.
The guilt I feel over not holding him in his last moments isn't really about him, I think. I think I'm just disappointed in me. I tend to put blame on myself no matter the circumstances, logical or not. He was MY special friend. He was my soulmate kitty. I expected more from myself in his greatest moment of need. That's all, I guess.
Thank you again for your words of comfort. I really don't know what I'd do without this forum.\
-Donna

Dear Donna, when someone experiences losses so closely together the spirit can handle just so much grief and deep emotion - - and then it does what it needs to do to protect itself from irreversible damage. Niles knows you love him, deeply and eternally. He knows you would have moved mountains if you could have to protect him, keep him healthy, and give him a peaceful journey to the angels. You had made those arrangements - - but the vet did not get there in time. There was no way you could have predicted this, Donna. I also firmly believe that there comes a time in the process of physical death that the physical body is no longer in conscious awareness of what is happening. I wasn't there with you to hear Niles' vocalizations, which I know haunt your heart to this very moment in time. I wish there was some way I could take away your sorrow, Donna. I wish there were words I could say that could bring some peace to your heart and mind about Niles' last hours and moments. And I wish there were words I could share with you that would help you to know what I and all the others on this forum know - - you are an incredibly loving, caring, committed guardian of God's sweet precious creatures. You would walk on hot coals or flowing lava to spare your precious companions of any harm and hurt. The only thing I can do is continue to say what I know in my heart, hoping that someday your heart and spirit will be able to believe it as well.

Dear friend, I hope and pray that each day will bring you closer to peace in your heart and spirit. And may you know each day that I am there with you, beside you, thinking of you across the cyber miles, and hoping that you know you are frequently in my thoughts and prayers.

Donna, I hope that you will have a peaceful evening and a pleasant weekend. You do deserve this, my friend. Please let us know how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moonbeam, I bow my head to you and give a humble thank you. You can't know what your wisdom and words do for me and all of us on this forum. You have incredible insight into just what to say at the right time. I am so thankful for your gifts. I am thankful for you. I only wish that your words didn't have to come from the suffering you have endured and still endure. Thank you, my friend.
-Donna