Friday the 13th at 4pm, let the dogs out in the backyard and my toddler and I got dressed to join them.
At 4:30 noticed my husky/shepherd x struggling to catch her breath. I placed her on the grass and rolled her
gently over. She was in distress and did not have good colour. I rushed her into the vets office. I was there in 10 mins.
From my time of arrival to the the xray being taken and the terrible news "hemangiosarcoma"....was total time 20 mins.
I said "are you suggesting euthanasia"...to which the vet nodded her head. "What"???????????????????????????????????? I walked this morning and she was running around the yard and barking at 4pm....less than 1 hour ago.

I did not see this coming. She was the picture of health. Never vet related issues only yearly exams. Plus we just had her bloodwork done in July to make sure she was great. So she was 11 but had the energy, great body weight and playfulness of a 3 year old.

I work in a vets office so I see things. But...this is my dog. I cannot eat/sleep or function. I wished (in anger) my other left instead (German Shepherd) as she is dog aggressive and not as kindly towards my toddler on occasion.

I am looking for help...but don't know what kind. I am looking for answers yet know there are not any really. How will I get over this? Will I get over this? I hate everybody right now. I am angry and sad and starting to get mad.

How does a dog that is walked daily, is trim, fed excellent food, well cared for and extremely loved get this nasty cancer?
Why is cancer for dogs on the rise?

So so so sad

Oh Sheppie
What can I say? I so feel for you and believe me I do know and understand the pain you are going through.
I too lost my darling Samoyed Noushka, just over 2months ago, quite out of the blue, as she had seemed fine, still being walked and playing, even though 13 years old. The only thing that helps me is that in their going quickly like that , they didn't suffer for too long. But oh the shock of it is so terrible.
I too felt so angry at first, then guilty, had I missed something that needed treating , did the Vet do everything possible, and the worst thing that I wasn't with her when she passed as the vet said she had to stay in overnight for x-rays and tests. I got a call the next morning to say she didn't make it through the night. I couldn't believe it, no way did we think things were so serious.
This site has really helped me to get through these last few weeks. There are so many wonderful people on here that understand the pain and heartbreak of losing our beloved pets.
Please remember that you must not suffer alone. I wish I could do more to help. I am thinking of you.
Love Jan x

I'm so sorry. I know the pain all too well. I too lost my Callie to Hemangiosarcoma. It's a terrible sneaky disease. It's so hard to lose our loved ones. I was crazy with the pain. I couldn't breathe, my chest was tight and I couldn't stop crying for more than minutes at a time. Give yourself time to grieve. If I did anything right, it was that. I let my self cry when I needed to and immersed myself in the pain and somehow each day got a little easier until suddenly one day the chest pain was gone and not too long after that I realized I was breathing again. The firsts were hardest for me. The first night without her, the first morning without her, the first shower without her. After I got through the firsts it started to get easier. Best wishes to you.

Hi, Sheppie, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved companion. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the cirumstances or how long we had had the privilege and blessing of their company. Working in a vet office does not shield you from the sorrow of personal loss. What you are feeling is very normal - - the deep sorrow, anger, searching for answers, etc. Clinical studies now recognize that the stages of loss from a beloved furchild are identical to those experienced when we lose a loved human family member or friend. Eventually, yes, the intense feelings of loss and anger and guilt and all the other emotions we go through in our grief journey will lessen. Will you ever "get over" the loss of your beloved furchild? No. But eventually you will be replacing the feelings of loss with the loving memories that are forever yours to hold in your heart with your life with your precious furchild. In the past three years I have had three furkids diagnosed with cancer: My number one kitty son, Eli, was diagnosed with end stage Lymphoma in September 2006 and joined the angels on December 11, 2006. In July 2009 my beautiful baby kitty girl, Abbygayle, had a stage III Fibrosarcoma tumor removed from her left hip, and then in September - - 10 weeks exactly from her first surgery - - she had three new tumor nodules removed. Thankfully our vet has been able to spare amputating her leg so far. And also in September my handsome Black Lab Oslo was diagnosed with an Adenocarcinoma of a salivary gland on the right side of his neck. He is not a good candidate for surgery because of his advanced age, a diagnosis of Laryngeal paralysis, along with hypothyroidism, DJD in both of his rear hips, and neurological degeneration in his rear back and both legs. He is still with me hanging in here, and today is his 15th birthday. The tumor is growing as I feel it in his neck, but he is still able to swallow comfortably, so we are taking it one day at a time.

You ask why cancer is becoming more prevalent in our furkids. This is a very complex answer, but the root of it is that our furkids are made of the same material that humans are, and are therefore subject to the same illnesses. But knowing "why" doesn't diminish the deep pain and sorrow that we feel when our precious furkids precede us to heaven's perfect garden.

There is something else I would like to touch on with you. Please remember that children grieve differently from adults, so it is important for your daughter to know that she can talk to you about her feelings, and for the both of you to be able to comfort one another.

This grief journey you and your daughter are traveling is a one day at a time journey, and it is important that you do not suppress these feelings. And the most important thing to remember above all is to know that you are not alone in this grief journey. Each of us here knows first hand the pain and sorrow you and your daughter are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers, Sheppie, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

You poor darling, I feel so sorry for your terrible loss. I don't know why, but it's always the favourites that go first. I had to bury my much adored cat Ulriich after he was killed on the road and I was inconsolable. He was a black "tuxedo" sleek, young, healthy, adventurous and happy kitty cat that loved his life. He still looked so beautiful when we buried him and it was just such a damned utter waste of life. I know the sorrow, the disbelief, the anger and the 'what ifs" and " I hate everybody" mood swings. Apparently it''s normal, I thought it was just me until I came to this life saving forum. I am coping 6 months on but I still miss ulriich with a vengeance, but I can talk about him now without crying every time his name is mentioned. My husband is still upset too, but doesn't like me bringing things up all the time, because he said he is trying to cope himself, so that's why I come here to talk. I know it will take time for you to even come to terms with your loss, but feel free to vent here, because we understand. Hugs to you.

madi xx

My story was similar but with some twists. My pug, just turned 12, showed signs of this and they ordered a splendectomy. To their surprise, it turned out the tumor was benign--there was a chance my little buddy could live for a while to come! And then, a week out of the surgery, he seemed fine, and one morning he was almost dead. I rushed him to the vet, and he died on his own there three days later. Every day I had to decide whether to euthanize--it was horrible. They still don't know what killed him--could have been post-op infection, could have been reaction to the the post-op antibiotics, etc., and yet in both cases, they said it was unusual for symptoms to manifest themselves that many days after surgery. So, I went from worrying that he may have cancer and only weeks or months to live, to being elated at unexpectedly positive news, to him dying in days as a result of the surgery given to show that he did not have cancer. The surgery had to be done either way--his spleen was enlarged and the tumor had caused bleeding, so it may have ruptured even if benig. Still, the turn of circumstances was crushing.; It's been 4 1/2 weeks now, and I'm doing better, but still miss him like crazy, and it still bugs me that I'll never really know why he died. I was crazy about the little guy. SIGH.

grayman

Dearest Sheppie, please accept my deepest sympathies at the loss of your precious fur kid Husky/Shepherd. So unexpected and, from your post, it appears to me that you're looking for some answers to make at least some sense as to why this happened. I'll do my very best to help you, Dear One. The following may of some small comfort to you in the knowledge that there were no warning signs.

I'll put the link for you to click as well as type it out in just in case you find it difficult to get the link to pop up.

Here's the link for you to click ...

"Hemangiosarcoma - A (Usually) Silent and Deadly Canine Cancer"

The following is what you'll read there. I've underlined those things which may pertain more in the case of your beloved fur kid. Here goes ...

November is Pet Cancer Awareness Month. Among the most deadly of canine cancers is hemangiosarcoma, or cancer of the blood vessels. Hemangiosarcoma can either present as skin cancer, which can be successfully treated if caught early enough, or as cancer of the internal organs, particularly the spleen or the heart. The prognosis for splenic or cardiac hemangiosarcoma is extremely poor, even with aggressive treatment, as frequently the first sign of any problem is when the tumor ruptures and causes massive internal bleeding.

An additional complication arises from the fact that since it is a blood vessel cancer, the cancer cells have usually spread to other areas of the body by the time of diagnosis. As a result, the median survival time for internal tumors post-diagnosis is measured in weeks or months, even with surgery and chemotherapy.

Hemangiosarcoma can occur in any breed, but there is an identified pre-disposition in German Shepherd dogs, labrador retrievers and golden retrievers. Within my own circle of pet parent friends, in the past year we have lost a Siberian husky, an Australian shepherd, a golden retriever and my own miniature poodle, Tiny, to hemangiosarcoma.

What are the signs and symptoms to watch for? For skin-based tumors, any unusual growth on the skin should be evaluated by your veterinarian and biopsied if there is any suspicion of cancer. It is a good idea to check your pet's skin frequently, particularly as he ages, for any abnormal lumps or bumps. Many are benign, but only your veterinarian and a pathologist can identify cancerous skin growths.

Important: For internal organ cancer, the signs can be much more subtle, and sometimes non-existent. In the cardiac form of hemangiosarcoma, you might notice weakness, weight loss, loss of appetite, difficulty breathing or difficulty recovering from any kind of exertion. These can all be signs of simple aging, other heart or lung problems, or tumor growth. Again, a visit to your veterinarian is in order for possible x-rays, ultrasound, CT or other diagnostic scans to determine the cause of the problem. If not diagnosed, the heart tumor will eventually rupture and cause massive internal hemorrhage.

In the splenic form of hemangiosarcoma, unless the tumor is extremely large and can be felt on abdominal exam, the first warning sign might be total collapse when the tumor ruptures.

Also Important: In Tiny's case, he exhibited greater than usual "old man weakness" one evening at home, and could not stand up. He was seventeen years old at the time, and had a bulging abdomen to begin with due to loss of muscle tone associated with aging. I quickly rushed him to the veterinary emergency clinic (he was never one to have his emergency situations during regular veterinary clinic hours), where the doctor quickly tapped his abdomen and withdrew bloody fluid.

She talked with me about her suspicions that a splenic tumor had ruptured, and recommended an ultrasound to confirm her diagnosis. Ultrasound did show a very large spleen as well as some suspicious spots on the liver. We discussed the two options: surgery to remove the spleen and the suspect portions of his liver or euthanasia. Given his age and all of the potential complications, we made the difficult decision to say goodbye.

But, when they brought Tiny into the room for that final procedure, he had miraculously recovered from his collapse, was very excited to see us, and started asking us to play with him. The veterinarian suspected that the internal bleeding had stopped and that he had re-transfused himself. After more discussion of the other alternatives and based on the fact that he seemed to be telling us that he wasn't ready to go just yet, we brought him home and scheduled a specialist visit early the next morning.

Tiny had a splenectomy and partial liver lobectomy, and came through the surgery with flying colors, especially given his age. We opted for a shortened and low-dose course of chemotherapy, and for the remainder of his life he took several mild medications such as doxycycline and Deramaxx to help keep the cancer at bay.

He also received acupuncture and Chinese herbal formulations in addition to Western medicine. In spite of the six months or less that most hemangiosarcoma patients survive, Tiny lived another two and a half years until the cancer spread to his brain and his mouth. When he began to have difficulty eating and started having seizures, it was time to help him cross the "Rainbow Bridge." His outcome and length of survival with good quality of life was unusually positive, but he was a fighter with a strong will to live.

Survival in hemangiosarcoma is largely a function of how early it is caught and whether it is a surface/skin lesion instead of an internal tumor. Treatment options may be limited, especially if a tumor ruptures, and diagnostics, surgery and chemotherapy can be expensive. You know your dog better than anyone else, and are in the best position to make informed decisions (with the help of your veterinarian) as to the best course of action if this deadly cancer strikes your dog.

So, you see, Sheppie? There was no way you could have possibly know since the symptoms, if any, come on very, very fast then ... I am so very sorry! Please know and your Angel Fur Kid are in my thoughts and prayers as I wing many loving Angels to soothe and gently guide you though this most gosh awful time of your grief and sorrow.

Since you didn't post a photo of your fur kid, I hope I'm at least close to having captured her appearance. I chose it because she has one blue eye and one brown eye since I don't know your Fur Kid Angel's eye color. Also, she's smiling so big. Please let me know if she was lighter or darker in color so I can do it again better. Or, perhaps you have one or more photos to share. Okay?





Many Comforting Hugs!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Thank you all for your kind words. As I have been in vet clinics for years I feel somehow foolish that I should know better and certainly have 'seen it all'..but I tell you, I am just a blinkin mess. My little person (son) is only 2.5 years and still calls out her name.....loud. Which under normal circumstances would be cute but if absolutely jars us.

I hate cancer. Who doesn't though right?

And the what ifs are numerable. What if I knew it was her last day, her last hour? Well I would have held her a little tighter. a little longer and told her 1000x how much I loved her.

As she was a shedder (husky in her) there is hair all over the house. I find as I look at it it makes me smile and then just as fast makes me tear.

I know the grief process but reading some of your words has helped me.

Dearest Sheppie, we both posted at the very same time. Do take a look at what I wrote. Okay?

Many Comforting Hugs!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Click to view attachment

I saw that and will. Thank you. She is the lighter one. Taken last summer...............ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

How beautiful they both are!!!

Yes, I can crop that, enhance and do quite a bit. Thank you so much!

More Comforting Hugs!!!



Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Oh sheppie, she is identical to the beautiful German Shepard cross we had some years ago. Her name was Rani and she was one of the best dogs we ever had, we missed her so when she went. We got her from the dog pound when she was a puppy, she was the last one left and in our opinion, they left the best till last. All our cats have also been strays or unwanted by someone. Except for Ulriich, my daughter bought him from kids selling kittens on the side of the road and she paid $15 for him. Best $15 ever spent. Your other dog is gorgeous and the location is breathtaking, where is it?

madi xx

Hi Sheppie
So pleased to see you on here again. What a beautiful photo and as Madi said, what a lovely place. You must have lots of happy memories , and these will give you strength, even though , like me(and many others on here) you will probably cry when you look at the photo's. Hopefully as time heals it will be less painfull. I have a picture of my angel dogs as Desktop on here, and photos all around me, and I can now just about boot up PC without bursting into floods of tears.

I know what you mean about the hairs, as you can imagine having had two Samoyeds in the house , I have plenty of lovely shimmering white hairs around. Didn't even want to Vacuum at first. Still keep finding them, and I'm putting them in a special little memory box.

Your little son will be bewildered and wonder where his doggie is. My lttle grandson was 21/2 when we lost Tasha and he still remembers her, which is lovely. When Noushka left us and I was crying he said "Don't worry Nanni, she is playing with Tasha in heaven and they're fine". Bless him . He's just 51/2. Little granddaughter is 20 months and she keeps going to Noushkas cupboard and getting her ball and toys out, which I haven't got the heart to move. Children are very resilient and your little son will help you get through this I'm sure.
The 'if I only knew' I can also relate to, with Noushka going so quickly and unexpectedly. I gave her a big hug and told her I loved her as they took her through into nursing area, but I fully expected to see her the next morning.
Angel -one(Dottie) is helping us all with her lovely pictures and quotes. Lots of the wonderful people who have helped me on here have sent you lovely messages. Love to them all.
I found this poem on the Samoyed website

You cannot see or touch me
But I'm standing next to you
Your tears, I know are all for me
But your sadness makes me blue.

Be brave and show a smiling face
Let not your grief show through
I love you from a different place
Yet I'm standing next to you.

Thinking of you
Love Jan xx

Dear Sheppie.

I am so sorry for your loss. Cancer is such an ugly disease and it sneaks up on you. I too lost my precious angel to cancer.

June 24th, 2008 was a terrible, devastating day for us. We lost our precious Lily, 8, spaniel cross. She died so suddenly and so unexpectedly. We don't really know what happened, all we know is that we weren't able to save her. We watched the life fade from her eyes - an image I can see very clearly still today. Then within a few days we found out that Hunny, our 7 1/2 year old golden had cancer. We didn't even have time to grieve for Lily! Last summer was definitely a very stressful time. Losing Lily, and then months of changing bandages and the not knowing what was going to happen to Hunny. She had surgery to remove two toes from her front left foot. Unfortunately, all the cancer cells couldn't be removed, but she did well for months. Then she started limping around Christmas time. The tumour was back! But this time there was nothing more to do. Full leg amputation would have been the next step for a good candidate. She wasn't a good candidate. Her age, her weight and arthritis - well you know, she did not qualify. I didn't want to start taking bits and pieces from her. Hunny was a very proud dog. Her tumour grew quickly. She was on pain killers for the month of March. We let her join Lily April 4th this year. That decision was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But I know it was for the best. I couldn't let her die a terrible death. I've seen cancer in it's final stages in dogs - not nice.

I found this website the day we had to make the call to the vet. I wish I had found it when we lost Lily. I certainly could have used it then for sure. I've lost other dogs before and they all hurt, but losing Lily was so very hard. I felt like I let her down because she was a rescue and I was supposed to protect her forever. We got both dogs in 2001. As for Hunny, I believe I did most of my grieving for her while she was still alive, because we knew we didn't have much time left. I learned to live for each day - especially toward the end. Living with the fact that someday soon you have to make that final decision is terribly difficult.

I'm sorry I'm rambling. It's been seven months since losing Hunny, but I find sometimes, I still need to talk about her - and Lily. Each day gets better. There are actually days where I don't cry for them. And it's true kids grieve differently. My daughter took both deaths hard, but she's doing well. I find the hardest part is not knowing where they are. I'm not a religious person, I do like to hope that there is something else after this life and that we'll be together again. I like to think that Hunny and Lily are together again and that they are both happy and healthy.

I think working in a vet's office must be very difficult. I don't think I could handle it. Losing my own pets has been been hard enough (we lost two 8-year-old cats too this summer). I could see the tears in our vet's eyes when we let Hunny go. The assistants too. And they must see this pretty often too. But I think what you do is wonderful. The comfort offered by this profession is unbelievable. I'm so eternally grateful for people like you that's for sure. Sorry, rambling again.

I'm sorry I'm not so great at this kind of stuff. But I definitely feel your pain and I'm more than happy to listen. There are many wonderful people here. They certainly helped me through the pain of losing my angels.

Once again, I'm sorry for your loss. All I can offer is that you take it one day at a time. Just snuggle up with those new little puppies that come through your clinic. Those little puppy kisses are wonderful for washing away a little pain each time. I now have four babies. The youngest two just turned a year! They are certainly a handful, but just so wonderful.

Take care.

Lynette.

dear sheppie

wow my heart is broken for you. im so very sorry. my kitty riley died rather quickly too but it was two days versus your two minutes. i cant even imagine what youre going thru. the shock of it all.
please take comfort in knowing that she was so so loved and she loved you and yours as well. she had a beautiful home and just like you have to hold on to the wonderful memories, know that she is doing the same as well. she has her angel wings now and is looking over your shoulder to make sure that you are all ok.
i hate cancer i hate diabetes i hate all of it. diabetes took my last kitty of 14 years away from me. i wish we could live in a world where disease didnt exist. but unfortunately that is not the case and all we can do is survive and move forward, even if its a little step at a time.
i had two kitties that i had rescued. they gave me the most wonderful 14 years of my life but as is human nature, riley was my favorite. he was a little black cat that i had saved from a u'neath a moving car. they were both so beautiful but riley, even though we had a rocky start, turned out to be the most cuddly. he loved to snuggle, to be held while fred did not. like you i felt angry. why hadnt fred gone first. but i soon realized there was a beautiful lesson to be learned. fred was my surviving cat and him and i bonded so much more after riley passed. he dropped his little walls and let me pick him up and snuggle with him. he purred ever so loud and we developed a bond that to this day will never be broken. i learned that life is too short and that for whatever reason our favorites were taken first but sometimes we dont see what we have in front of our very own eyes. since i too felt the guilt of not telling my riley how much i loved him everyday, i told fred 10x a day. there is a special bond with your surviving furbaby that is waiting to happen. give your german shepard extra hugs and tell her how much you do love her every day and i know that she will send little reminders "upstairs" of how much she was loved. you will see how healing this will be to your shattered heart. i know that i wouldnt have survived if it hadnt been for fred. he passed awy not to long ago and i still struggle to go a day without crying. like an angel sent from above, i ended up with a little dog, lucy. she was especially chosen by fred to bring peace to my broken heart. i tell her 500x a day how much i love her because i dont know what tomorrow will bring.
im so sorry you are hurting. we all know what youre going thru. let go of your guilt, it doesnt do anyone any good. you were the best mom to your baby. she knows that
when fred passed away, i remember getting on my hands and knees as i cried. i just wanted to smell him, feel him and i prayed to find a little bit of his fur. i did and i put it into his little book that i still open, look at, cry over and hold very near to my heart.
perhaps you might want to save some of her little fur in a special little place where, in time, you will be able to touch and remember the good times that you had with her. this will happen, i promise. time will heal.
you are in my thoughts and prayers. may your tears turn to smiles. thats what she would want for you
patricia

Wow this is a great site. Thanks for all your thoughts. My 1st day back at work today and I had to pass the Veterinary Hospital where my darling is still...........in the freezer. The pick up is tomorrow. I was ok then I had some hard times. Not for the sweet puppies and kitties. But for the older healthy dogs/cats that came in today. I did not wish them ill but was so darn sad when I looked at their ages.....12 and 14 respectively.

I know to let it go. And I do. I talked to my vet (where I work) and she told me that this would have been fast.
I did tell her that my gal was following me around for past 3 months and it was driving me nuts. She nodded this could have been the start.

Now I wish she was my shadow again.

Oh......................................this is a long hard and sad sad sad road.


(:

Day 5 without her.................

My family I know thinks 'enough already'...but I just cannot help feeling so down.
I am trying to be up for my toddler, but i am really just acting.

I don't want to play in the backyard anymore. Her fur is all over the yard
as I had brushed her 2 days before.

I look out in the backyard and all I see is her. I am having a hard time being warm and fuzzy with
my shepherd. Jazzie. I know she feels the loss too....but I just cannot drum up the energy.

I chose the urn and will have it engraved. Today is the day they cremate her.

I have read many a post on here and it helps for a bit, then I just sink again.

thats ok. its perfectly normal. its only been five days after all, since you lost a family member.
please accept a big big hug from lucy and myself all the way from los angeles. its very hard when they get cremated and then they come home and thats hard too. oh boy do we know what youre going thru. but youre not alone. we all understand and care.
youre in my thoughts and prayers
patricia

Hey there.

It helps a bit when you bring home their ashes. For me anyway. Hunny was gone for two weeks, but having her home again felt better.

Please, oh please, give your other dog a hug. I watched Hunny mourn when Lily passed and it was so heart breaking. They hurt so much too. I know you don't have the same feelings for Jazzie but please just give her hug.

It will get easier. Just takes time.

Thinking of you.

Lynette.

Hi Sheppie-
I can relate to you, I'm so sorry for your pain. I am on day 8 without my Molly. She had just turned 14 and was diagnosed with Glaucoma of the eye. She was already blind but I had to make the decision to end her life because I did not want to go thru with surgery to remove the eye nor did I have the money for the expensive treatment that was not guaranteed to work for her. I could not see her in pain, and now I see signs that I didn't see when she was here. She was a Jack Russell Terrier and I had
her since she was 9 weeks old.

I know you will miss your dog as I will miss mine too.
Just know I am so there with you. I feel sometimes people don't understand how I feel, do they know how empty and cold my home feels now? I still leave the closet door open for her like I always did because her toy box was in there. 14 year habits are hard to let go. I have cried everyday.

I am frantically searching for something that will make me feel better and have yet to find it.
No luck at all. I don't know what to expect in the journey I must now take without her. I feel no desire to look for a job. I have been unemployed now going on 11 months. The recession hit me hard.
I am single and live alone and this dog was my child.
I feel I have been stripped of the things that were most dear to me.
I thought about it today and I asked God, what more can you take from me?
I do believe everything we go thru there is a lesson to be learned. I have to keep cherishing
the fact that I have alot of good memories with my little one and she got me thru alot of hard times
in my life. I only showed complete mercy to her ending her life without continuous pain and suffering.
It was her time to go, and it is my time to let go.

If you need anything, let me know.. Please know you are not alone in feeling the pain and loss..
I will say prayers for you..
Dawn

Hi Sheppie. I am so sorry for your loss. It has been 12 weeks since I lost my cat, Frasier. I understand the feelings you are having. I still have them. Although I function and work and laugh each day, I also cry each day. I totally understand your feelings about the back yard. I have yet to vacuum the room where Frasier stayed before his death. And even though I still have a wonderful dog, Buck, and Frasier's littermate, Niles, I still have a huge hole in my heart for my missing baby. I know you're probably confused about the way you feel towards Jazzie but don't be. I love each one of my pets as if they were my real children (I don't have any children) but for about 2 weeks after Frasier died, I just couldn't warm up to Niles. I've always considered Niles to be my soulmate kitty but something weird happened in those first few days. I can't really describe it but I think you know because of what you said about Jazzie. I was so confused but the weirdness did begin to wear off and now I just want Niles with me every minute.
I'm so sorry you're hurting. In the beginning it's just so suffocating and then it just hangs over you like black cloud. Last night I told my husband that it's really hard right now because it's been long enough that people don't expect me to still be talking about him and missing him so much. My husband just said that you don't erase 14 years in 12 weeks. He's so right. It just hurts. Again, I'm sorry for you. This forum is the best place to be because no one seems to think that anybody is "suffering too long". My thoughts are with you.
-Donna

I really do thank you all for your generous support. And in fact I have found some on here.
You all get it. I 'hear' the same feelings in many posts. It has not been a week and now
I think I feel nothing. I am numb. I keep making the mistake of saying "hi girls" when we come home
and "walkies girls"?...the quickly say "oh girl, sorry Jazzie".

I think I will die when I pick up the urn.


Again I appreciate all of you taking the time to write.....I have read each post many many times already.

Oh sheppie, what can I say. We had to wait 2 weeks before we could collect our darling Noushkas ashes from the vets.
I clutched the little box with her name on all the way home and sobbed my heart out. But as soon as we got home and we put her next to Tasha where they used to play, and planted the flowering shrub and snowdrops, I felt a sense of comfort that she was back home.
It's 12 weeks now. The days are more bearable, but I still cry at some time every day. Her ball and toys and food are still in her cupboard > I can't move them, don't think I ever will.

It will be a very sad time for you, collecting the urn , but please take comfort that you will feel closer to her again.
I will be thinking of you.

Love Jan x

Dearest Sheppie, just so you know that I'm working on that first image, here are the first steps. I'm afraid I sharpened both images too much and will fix that. I did make Molly's eyes more pronounced, removed the leash in one image and began removing the leash on the second, gave her and her surroundings more color by adding saturation. Well, it's a process and the larger the image then the better it is to work with. Here are the links to the beginning. Please don't dismay as it does get better. Please click on the links to bring up the images I'm working on ...

http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r166/My...Sheppie_C-2.jpg

http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r166/My...Sheppie_C-3.jpg

And, for BlessedByMolly, here's the very first step only of enhancing one of your Molly fur kid Angel's photos. I haven't worked on her eyes or anything else yet. I do want you both to know that I haven't forgotten and it just takes some time for certain photos. Plus, taking care of Styx kitty while he's so very sick is a big responsibility, too. No worries, he's only had a couple mild crises on the 17th and 18th then has rested comfortably up to and including now. Bless him! Just know that I may be gone for a couple days here and there. Still, I won't forget you!

http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r166/My...Blessed_B-1.jpg

Many Comforting Hugs!!!

I Wish You Peace With Your Rainbow Bridge Babies!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

picking up the urn is so hard. it was a week and a half before i got the dreaded call. i dreaded the call and the trip to the vet's. my heart was as heavy as a boulder. i sobbed all the way there and as i neared the door i slowed down. i didnt want to walk thru the door. it was so difficult. it symbolized for me the finale, the reality. it wasnt a nightmare. it was real. i dont even remember who was in there because the tears that poured out were blinding my vision. i didnt care that i was howling and making sounds that i didnt know i could make. everyone came and gave me a hug as i crumbled to the floor. i made the drive home thru more outpouring of tears. i cuddled and held the velvet box to my heart. but (and there is a but) as i walked thru the door, i felt such comfort that fred was home again. he was where he belonged; with his momma. his and rileys little boxes sit in a special place now where i can see them as i come in and as i leave. i cant tell you how even to this day, im glad they're home with me.
yes you will die a little as you pick up the urn. but your heart will find comfort and peace that shes home again…where she belongs. give jazzie extra hugs and kisses.
you are in my thoughts and prayers
patricia

Thanks Dottie- I will send another photo if I may?
Thanks Patricia and to all of you and your support.

I must open this site 3x a day. I read a post of two and then I have to stop.

I was doing ok these past 2 days as a friend is here visiting with me.
So we are up and out and just busy. But now she has gone out for awhile and
out of the corner of my eye I saw a clump of fur on the ground. Yes, hers.

I just stared at it then the incredible raw feeling hit again. And now I just want to
jump into bed and sleep b/c then I forget about it. But i have a 2 yr old so that is not possible.

I think I am at the bottom as I write this. No, I know I am at the bottom.

Sheppie, just to let you know that I am thinking of you. PLeased you have your friend with you. It's hard looking after a two year old, especially when you are heatrbroken, but she needs you to be strong. She will help you get through this terrible time. Remember at all times our angel pets would not want us to suffer.

Love and hugs

Jan xx

Hi Sheppie

Just realised that you have a little son , not a daughter, please forgive my mistake. Doesn't take much to confuse me these days. I referred to your toddler as 'she' in my previous posting.

I hope that you are ok. I had another bad day today, but then I came on here, again, and saw the picture that Dottie did of Tasha, it really cheered me up. I'm off to bed now (11 p.m. uk time) and hopefully will dream of Noushka and Tasha and their lovely smiling faces.
Thinking of you.

Love Jan x

"Hi, Mommy. This is from me to you and I mean it with all of my Heart! I wish all these Blessings for you and so much more ... And so much more ... And so much more! I sure hope you like the video I chose because all the Angels remind me of you! Please click on the golden, glittering picture that I made of you here at The Rainbow Bridge to hear and view. Wow, that sounds like you singing, Mom!"






Lay down your head and I'll sing you a lullaby. Back to the years of Loo-Li,Lai-Ley. And I'll sing you to sleep and I'll sing you tomorrow. Bless you with love for the road that you go.

May you sail fair to the far fields of fortune with diamonds and pearls at your head and your feet and may you need never to banish misfortune. May you find kindness in all that you meet.

May there always be Angels to watch over you. To guard you each step of the way. To guard you and keep you safe from all harm. Loo-Li,Loo-Li,Lai-Ley.

May you bring love and may you bring happiness. Be loved in return to the end your days. Now fall off to sleep. I'm not meaning to keep you. I'll just sit for a while and sing Loo-Li,Lai-Ley.

May there always be Angels to watch over you. To guard you each step of the way. To guard you and keep you safe from all harm. Loo-Li,Loo-Li,Lai-Ley.
Loo-Li,Loo-Li,Lai-Ley.

Oh my........these are beautiful. I don't know what to say. I cannot type thru my tears right now.
Thank you.

I am ok but so sad. We will have to p/u the urn Friday.

I think that will make it real.

You are very welcome, Sheppie. I wish there was more I can do. And, there is. Yes, your world is shattered! And, so true that picking up the urn will be yet another blow to you since, as you said, that makes it real. It really did happen, was so unexpected and you had no time to prepare yourself or even say your last farewells as many do when they know their fur kid's time is close to an end. That makes it all the more devastating!

I recall some time ago where a Fur Kid Dad and his lovely Wife lost their first dog and all the wonderful things they did with the urn, where they placed it, what they did with the paw print, collar and tags. So, I went in search of that thread for you. Please be sure to see all three pages for images and you can read all that he did. The images I made back then are far simpler than now since Photobucket, where I host images, didn't offer all the features and additional graphics that it does now. Again, please see all three pages and here is the direct link for you ...

New Here And About To Lose Our First Dog

It's very lovely, loving and may give you some ideas, Dear One.

Also, you're not alone. It helps to know you're not alone. I didn't talk much for quite some time about how devastating my loss was and so sudden just like yours. And, I didn't go into much detail. Sheppie, your feelings are normal. It may feel like you're going insane, but you aren't. So, when kanecutter, who is disabled like myself, began to share then I opened up a little on this short thread. Here's the direct link ...

Death And Dying Pet Support, Anyone else like this after 6 weeks?

When kanecutter was sinking deeper and deeper, I shared much more ...

Feeling Worse 3 Months Later?

Please read my replies to Paula in the link above. Please make certain to see all the links in my post above to kanecutter giving her information which validates all she's experiencing and also telling her ways to cope. All are written by doctors and Veterinarians who specialize in Pet Loss so please be certain to check out those links I gave kanecutter. Okay? Take your time. No hurry since they're in the Pet Loss Support Resources and Articles area here at LS.

I'll be back to check on you. I'm so sorry this happened to you and your Angel Fur Kid!

Many Comforting Hugs!!!



Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Dottie,

I just watched the video link about rainbow connection above, I can no longer see the keys.
Please know I will take some time read those links as you suggested....but now it all just seems too much.

Thank you

Hi Sheppie, I'm so sorry for your loss....so sorry....I lost my soulmate Brutus, 13 yr old black lab, a week ago Monday and I so feel your pain and tears. I sometimes feel like I can't go on...or maybe I don't want to go on. I actually laughed yesterday for the first time in a week and a half and I felt so guilty I couldn't stand myself. It feels like a part of me is missing as I'm sure it is, and now a part of you is missing as well. I know what you mean about others thinking "enough already"...I know that's what some think who know me. The easiest way for me to explain my pain is...it hurts so bad I feel like I can't breathe..it feels like I'm choking and not getting air.

Stay busy, it will help. And let it out, don't keep it inside, no matter what. I got Brutus' urn back within two days, he was euthanized on Monday evening and they called Wednesday afternoon to say he was back. I waited until Thursday morning to get him., and it was hard...hard to believe it was all that was left other than memories..believe it or not, it actually helps to build a little memorial, at least it did for me. So, I've had him a week now...I put him on a shelf in our bedroom above where his bed was, on the shelf I put a framed poem I wrote for him, a picture, his second fav toy (his favorite went with him) with his collars, and a flower and candle. I'm not crazy about the fake flower so I will keep looking for one that is just right. I wish I had put a bigger shelf for more stuff but my house is so small....at any rate, it helped me to put up this little memorial...I blow him a kiss everytime I enter and leave my bedroom! We went away for a couple days this past Monday and I cried hysterically, wanting to take him with me, but my husband talked me out of it...which now I'm glad he did, afterall this is his home and where he was most comfortable.

here it is:



Dotties graphics and pictures are really great aren't they? She is an angel I'm sure. There are alot of angels here.

Hugs to you.

-Sonya-

Brutus, thanks for that.
The clinic called and has her there waiting............
we are in no rush so will wait out the weekend.

I showed my hubby this site last night. We drank wine and read thru a lot of the posts.
He was all teary eyed as was I. I told him to take some time on his own and peruse thru the
postings...that there are some really great posts on here.

I showed him your box of your beloved and suggested that we too, hoist her up high and light a candel to celebrate her life.

Whew.........another day without her............whew.......breathe..........

Hi Sheppie

I've read all your posts. I feel our loss to be quite similar. I dont have to tell you how much it hurts.
I lost my baby girl Burnie 2 days ago. She was just beautiful! Friday afternoon she was fine...Just normal Burnie, not a worry in the world, (as far as I thought), friday night I go out to feed her and she is not interested in her food, I get her out of her kennel and she is staggering, I just got this hot flush come over me and I feel sick, this is not her at all. We call the vet emergency number as it was after hours, and rush her over to the vet. She gives her a check up, we were told it could be just the real hot weather we been having, just watch her overnight and if she is no better bring her back.
Early the next morning she is curled up in her kennel and would not come out. We rush her back to the vet. The do blood tests and x rays. We got a phone call in the afternoon. That dreaded phone call!!!. She has a massive tumor in her abdomen and it has spread all up into her lungs. She said we could take her home but she might last one day one week, she coudn't breath properly, she couldn't eat. She suggested that putting her to sleep was the for the best. We went to the vet, I held her I cuddled her and did not ever want to let her go. We were all with her when it happened, when she went to sleep. All of this in less than 24 hrs!! One perfect beautiful baby one moment and then she has gone!

I dont want to go into the backyard..Its like the backyrad has died with her...Her hair is everywhere and I don't want anything to touch it, it my little bit of her that is still there. I just want to cry all the time. It is so hard!!!
Today I was laying on the ground in the backyard with my head in her kennel crying and sobbing with her hair on my face and her smell in my nose! I just want her back so much.

Sheppie it is so hard...My heart is with you, I know what you are feeling, it feels it will never end! I just want my baby back!! I'm just happy that there is a site like this were we all understand how we feel and we all love our babies so much.

Just know that I am thinking of you and that we are hurting so much but we are not alone!!

Take Care

Ben.

Oh Farrie....I am soooooooooooooooo sorry for your loss.
I felt as if I was reading my own initial post. How awful and yes I know exactly how you are feeling right at this moment.

I will write more later but now sadly I make the trek to the vets office to collect her urn.

Thinking of you Sheppie.

Love and hugs
Jan x

All the best sheppie!
I have to pickup my Burnie on Thursday, I know it will be tough!

how are you doing?
lucy (my little dog) and i send you big hugs. please use them when you are feeling at your worst. we know what you are going thru.
patricia

Thanks Jan x I really appreciate it.

I did not go to pick up her urn. I was too chicken.

I will try again tomorrow.

Awww, Sheppie. Please know you're in my thoughts and prayers.



Please keep us posted and take baby steps. Okay? Be kind to you!

Many Comforting Hugs to you and your Angel Fur Kid!!!

I Wish You Peace!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Awwee Sheppie, hang in there. Getting the urn was rough for me, but once I got it home and started thinking of ways to honor my furbaby it was therapeutic (sp?). We are at our week-end house today for 3 days and I did bring Brutus with me this time. I didn't do it last week on the advice of my hubby, but last week I was in much worse shape. I said yesterday when we left to Doug, "I'm bringing Brutus with us this week"...he said "good". So he is sitting on my dresser now...I'm thinking I might make a shelf for him here too. I do have a framed picture of him here on my dresser with one of his toys, so I put the urn (don't know why it's called an urn, when it's a box) with those. I also framed my poem here and hung it on a wall with a picture of my pooh-man above it. Plus I have a beautiful painting of him here above my couch. I will have to post a pic sometime of it (on dial up now). Doing all these pics/poems/etc in both houses has really helped me alot.

I am also working on a large colliage (sp?) picture that I'm planning on hanging above his shelf at our home.

Hugs to you, thinking of you,
Brutus' Mom

Ah you people are amazing. Thank you so much. I hope in time as I remain on this board I will be able to assist others as you have all assisted me. I tear up everytime I read a post and to Farrie......(sp?) wow this is too fresh for you...no?

You are all just great and really know that you are helping me cope if just a little.


"Animal people" as my non animal loving friends refer to us, are really the best!!!

{{{{{Sheppie}}}}} Don't even think about trying to help others with their losses right now. What you're going through is all still way too fresh and raw. It's your turn now, Dear One. Remember: Baby steps and be kind to you. OK? For now, let's take care of you. Blessings!

Many Comforting Hugs to you and your Angel Fur Kid!!!



Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Well at a friends urging to bring my girl home, we finally did.
The urn is beautiful but I find that I am blank and feel nothing when i stare at it.
I truly think reality has not set in. Or I am nuts. Or both.

I had a hard day in vet clinic yesterday as we have 2 euthanasias and I had to
prepare the remains after. Yikes. Too soon. Too raw for this. But alas is my job
and no one else to do it. I found myself just feeling nothing again.....even as i held the still
warm bodies. I sure felt for the owners and felt like saying "been there sadly and only recently"
but un-proffesional and really they don't want to hear someone elses woes..they are aching themselves.

So my dear sweet girl sits on my dresser and I gaze at her urn with the engraving "gods gracious gift" as that
is what her name meant in gaelic...and think......this is nuts.....this is not real....I just want my dog back.

And my face frowns and I walk away....................

I know for certain I want to go to doggie heaven and not people heaven so that I can hang with girl again.

Aww Sheppie, same heaven, has to be, I'm sure of it.
Been wondering how you were. It must be so hard for you working at the vets, but as you say you can so feel for what everyone is going through. You are still hurting so badly. 14 weeks for me and still so raw. I think I'm doing better, then wham , back down again.

Love Jan xx

Dearest Sheppie, firstly, please know that I'm speaking with you as a fellow member and not as person in the medical field. Okay? Here goes. I can't be certain, however from all you've described, it sounds like your mind is employing a wonderful defense mechanism. This is not denial that it happened. It's your mind's way of coping with your terrible grief, loss and devastation until that point in time when you're able to actually face and deal with it. Whenever I refer to your mind, I'm talking about your consciousness, unconscious (or subconsious), ego, superego and id. Not the brain, but the mind. Our minds are an amazing thing and many times employ these and other techniques in order protect us both physically and emotionally until we're ready. This way, we're still able to function in our daily lives and is especially necessary for the kind of work that you do.

Not all people's minds have this capability and some people's minds have this capability regarding certain events but not other events. There are also cases in which it's all in the timing as to everything else that is going on in our lives. This includes memories of those events which have occurred in our past as well. Notice that I use the word "time" a whole lot? That's not a coincidence since time is key. Space and time are both of great significance when it comes to each and every event in our lives be it joyful, sad, terrifying, horrifying, anger inducing and so on. We all react differently and timing plays a big part.

My heart truly goes out to you and I wish I could reach through this PC screen and give you a big hug. Eventually, it will all sink in and you may either feel at peace while heaving a deep sigh of relief, or you may very well begin to feel a great void, grief and devastation again as you did when this all started. When will it sink in? I don't have the answer to that since it's different for each of us when our minds kick in to protect us by use of these coping mechanisms. Please know that we're all here for you. Please come back and talk about the numbness, other feelings or lack of feelings and what you're currently doing and thinking about your Angel Fur Kid's urn. Again, we are all here for you. Remember to keep taking baby steps and be kind to you. You are a wonderful person and a wonderful Fur Kid Mommy! Please never forget that. I Wish You Peace!

Many Comforting Hugs to you and your Angel Fur Kid!!!



Always,
Dottie xoxoxox