Hi Sheppie

My heart goes out to you. The pain is undiscribable I know just had the same diagnosis myself last wens. for my max he was perfct health up until days before still eating and no weight loss and he had the same thing on his spleen. God bless you. I am not dealing well with this myself. I cant tell you it gets better because I am still a mess. But the only comforting I have been getting is the kind words from everyone here that knows the pain we are feeling. If you need to talk please send me a message. try to hang in there I am right there with you.

God Bless
Anna

Hi Sheppie
The more I read your post the more we sound like to peas in a pod. My max 2 weeks before this event he would come in to where I was on the computer at 1 in the morning sit beside me and take his paw and scratch at my leg I would look at him and say what do you want baby do you want to go out I would get up and he would walk away I would sit back down and he would do it again. He had never did that in 7 years I even had told my husband and he told me he did the same thing to him now I know he was trying to tell us something was wrong if I had only known. Its been 8 days now for me and I know just how you feel about the hair I look at it on my carpet and I dont even want to vacum it away. I also have a bullmastiff to which we got 3 months after max and they grow up together and he is depressing me even more every sound his ears goes up and he watches like he is waiting for max to run in. I feel so guilty for him also because I find it so hard to luv him because of my own suffering. I cant shake my guilt my max had alittle bump on his skin that was the size of a tick and I just thought it was a little bump Now I read all these things about the kind of cancer our babies had and it was one of the things to look for so now I am blamming myself. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I am sure you feel like me all these wonderful people telling their stories seems to comfort for a short moment then the tears just start. Just want to let you know I hear the same thing I need to go on and there was nothing you could do thats the things I hear. I respond and say everyone greives different and I guess I am one of those people. The feelings of euthanashia is the worst experince in the world. Atleast that is my feelings. I am having so much trouble dealing with it is my fault he got cancer because of the bump my fault hes gone why didnt I do the steriods to have him alittle longer I diffinetly am having would ifs, why didn`t I. Well my emotions are starting to get the best of me sorry I just wanted to try to I share your pain with you it is sure testing us on what we can handle.


Please Know I feel your pain and hope your doing better
Anna

Oh smokey/lady/max.....oh boy yours was a tough one to read.
I am so sorry for you. I am so sorry for all of us that really get robbed of the kindest
unconditinal loving any human could ever hope to have in their lives all rolled up into
between o-20 years. Yes we bond sadly over this one for sure.

'Angel' you are. That is all I can say. So upbeat and positive. I wish I could share 1/2 of what you have.
Perhaps in time.

I am now in the angry stage. I feel nothing but rage. And it is silly b/c it has now been almost 1 month (tomorrow).
But there you have it.

I see at least weekly (vet clinic) and have ALWAYS had the most empathy for those about to trudge down this
non returning path.....but still when it hits you...it is always a shock.

I don't take her urn anywhere now. I don't even look at it.

I did make the mistake the other day to tell my hubby to put the "girls downstairs so they don't bark and wake the baby" as I was driving home. As I realized my mistake I began to sob then the floodgates until I arrived home. My hubby looked at me but did not ask, as he knew.

This sucks. But I know you all know this.

What a kind a supportive board. I thank you.

Dearest, Sheppie, I'm going to copy and paste the first three paragraphs that I posted to Brutus's Mom as well as my poem I shared with her. However, your case is quite different. So, what follows after the poem is what I've written just to you. Okay? Please, take a deep breath in through your nose and let it out slowly through your mouth. Really, please do this and also, stop reading at any time during this post to again sit very still, breathe in deeply through your nose, then slowly exhale out through your mouth ...

At any point in time that you do not feel able to continue reading, then stop. Do not continue. Remember to take those baby steps and be kind to you. For sure. However, if you feel you can continue reading without crying hysterically, but only weeping somewhat, then do try to continue. What I'm going to say will still be here when you're ready, Dear One. Take your time and drink in only what you're able. I do understand that losing a beloved fur or feather kid feels just like losing your very best friend, your soul mate, your flesh and blood child. Please know that I realize that only too well. Hugs!!!

Sheppie, one more thing I want to cover with you before you go to the copied and pasted top part of what I'm going to say, please allow me to address your terrible anger issue. Firstly, it's normal. Secondly, allow yourself to feel that anger and to express it hopefully when no one is within ear shot or you may scare the bageebies out of them. If you have one or more cushions on your sofa, those will do great. Pillows from your bed will do just as well. In the following exercise, the most important thing ... I am going to repeat that ... It is most important that you do not injure yourself, nor anyone else, of course ...

If you want to take the lamps off your end tables in your living room when no one is home, go out into your yard when no one is watching, then smash them to smithereens there on your sidewalk while screaming, just make sure it's a silent scream if any of your neighbors are in ear shot. Afterwards, when you've calmed down, take your broom, dust pan, sweep it up and make sure not to touch any sharp edges. Me? I'm lucky. No one heard me years ago when I did that. Ha. Back to the sofa cushion or pillow, hit it. Hit it hard, hard, hard, but do NOT injure your hand, arm, shoulder and so on. If your child and husband are out, scream, yell, curse if you want to do that.

My point is to allow yourself to feel and safely express that anger. If you don't, it will only take you longer to begin to find that Healing Path. By the way, you very well may not experience any other of the stages of grief mentioned ... Or you may. We'll take it one baby step at a time as you continue to share your feelings either here or, if need be, to seek professional help. Okay? Okay. Now, on with the upper part cut and paste I made to Brutus's Mom and the rest that I wrote for you. Let's begin ...

{{{{{Sheppie}}}}} Of course you feel that way. It's all still so raw in your mind, heart and soul. Hey, it's been a little over two years since my sudden loss and I still feel consumed with guilt and only began to feel and express rage after over a year had gone by. It happened on my watch. There were so many 'red flags" screaming in my face that it was going to happen, but I didn't see them at the time. Then again, I didn't know then what I know now. Still ... Dang!

Will I ever get over feeling this guilt and rage? I don't know. What I do is to ask Alex again and again to please forgive me. Also, I'm doing everything I'm able to put those three culprits behind bars who did what they did to my Buddy dog, Styx kitty, Alex parrot, my home and myself. There's plenty of concrete evidence, witnesses and I caught them in the act as well. How dumb of them. But know this, it was planed. I found that out later, too. So, I looked into the sky and promised Alex he'd have earthly justice if it takes the rest of my life and as long as there's one breath left in my body. As for Heavenly justice? Well, that's not my call, but I'm certain that "The Supreme One" will take care of that and it won't be pretty. The legal process is slow. Very slow. That's okay. I'm a very patient person.

What I need is to find some way to forgive myself. It's very difficult for me to feel much less express anger. I find it frightening. A lot of people here would love to go feed those three some asphalt. I'd never heard of that expression until one member said that it's a good thing I left out certain names, locations and email addresses or they'd have to go on a "road trip and feed someone some asphalt." Bless everyone here for all their wonderful support to me! Here's one of the many poems I wrote early on in an attempt to express my feelings, all I was experiencing on a daily basis and trying to find some way to forgive myself. Yes, I chose the title as I do for all my poetry and short stories. Here it is ...

"Mend These Broken Wings"
By: AngelCareOne

What do you say when you can't talk?
Where do you go when you can't walk?

It's useless to communicate.
Not capable expressing hate.

And so you sleep to get away
From all the troubles of the day.

But that's a stupid thing to do.
Troubles wait and still haunt you.

Perhaps it's best never to slumber.
But woes are patient. Return. Outnumber.

Your mind keeps racing to and fro.
So which direction should you go?

The past is nice at times that's true.
But mostly horrors do you view.

Staying sane in present time
Cannot be done. A thin, fine line.

The past and present you perceive
Brings wish of good things to retrieve.

You know that you must find a way
To conquer sanely just today.

Must be somehow which can be found
Stop vicious circles round and round.

There's one road back to sanity.
Forgive and that will set you free.

Sheppie, of course, I'm referring to forgiving myself. Also, I choose or create illustrations for each of my poems and those I post that are written by others. I hope my sharing the above has given you some small solace to know you're not alone. You're really not, Dear One. And, you're not going insane. More Hugs!!! Sheppie, I already gave you some links in the beginning. Here's one of them again. It's post number 2 and I'm going to copy and paste a snippet for you ...

It's a long snippet, however you are dealing with a whole lot of anger right now as well as sorrow, grief and devastation. The top of the exert begins with quotes from people just like you and me expressing a whole lot of the same as what you and I are expressing now. Then Moira Anderson Allen, M.Ed. goes into the different phases of grief over the loss of a fur kid. No, these stages do not necessarily follow in the same order for each of us since, usually, there is first denial. Right? Also, these stages can jump back and forth, go in circles and up, down and all around full circle until you really feel you're going insane. But, you're not. All you're experiencing both emotionally and physically may appear bizarre to some, but it's perfectly normal. Now, on with that long snippet ...

Found in "Pet Loss Support Resources and Articles" area here at LS ...

"Your Fur Child Loss Devastation - You Are Not Going Insane - Emotions and Behavior Caused By Pet Loss"

Direct link so you don't have to go hunting it down ...

http://lightning-strike.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=4893

Please See Post # 2 ...

The Emotions of Pet Loss

By: Moira Anderson Allen, M.Ed.
Excerpted from "Coping with Sorrow on the Loss of Your Pet."

<<Snippet>>

Anger

When a person is hurt, a natural response is to look around for the person or thing that is causing that hurt. Pain is something one often sees as being inflicted from outside, rather than something that just happens. Historically, when no obvious cause for trouble is found, people have made scapegoats out of strangers, supernatural forces, or even God. Finding something or someone to blame for one's pain enables one to "strike back," if only by declaring, "It's your fault, you did it."

Focusing anger on a target of blame is a distraction. On her national radio talk show, psychologist Toni Grant often noted that a person can focus on only one strong emotion at a time; thus, if you have focused all your energy into anger, you have little time to feel your pain. Striking back can be gratifying; you may get a surge of satisfaction from telling off your "persecutor." But acknowledging your pain is an essential part of the grieving process, so while the distraction of anger may temporarily seem to ease your feelings, in the long run it only serves to prolong an already difficult situation.

Whom can you blame for the death of a pet? Pet owners have come up with a surprising number of possibilities. They may blame pet deaths on veterinarians, animal shelters, the person who caused a fatal accident or injury, the illness that was responsible for the death, and even the pet itself.

Veterinarians frequently come under fire for the loss of a pet, because a vet is often the last person to be responsible for a sick or injured pet. Instead of asking the logical question, "Why couldn't you save my pet?" a grieving pet owner may ask, "Why didn't you save my pet?" as though the veterinarian had a choice. Since so many treatments seem virtual miracles, why couldn't the vet have pulled off the final miracle needed to keep a beloved pet alive? To some, this failure may seem deliberate, neglectful or uncaring.

Susan G. of Nebraska blamed her veterinarian bitterly for the death of her St. Bernard, Junior. "Was surgery the only alternative?" she wrote. "At the time it seemed that we could trust this vet. Now I feel he couldn't have cared less about my baby! We thought he would save Junior's life. Instead I felt like he murdered him and put him through torture by that surgery... If he felt his surgery might kill my dog, why did he decide on it in the end? Do they do this just so they can practice on helpless animals?"

To read Susan's letter is to read the story of a dog with virtually no chance of survival--but to Susan, the dog's killer is the tangible, accessible veterinarian who had the final responsibility for her pet, not the mysterious disease that brought the dog to the hospital in the first place. Two years after her original letter, Susan wrote to me again, and her anger and pain still simmered beneath the surface: "I feel I will always be bitter about what happened and I could never trust any professional (medical or other) again!"

An assumption of negligence, ignorance, cruelty or lack of care on the part of a veterinarian makes the death of a loved one easier to understand than if one had to write it off to fate or an incomprehensible act of God. It makes the question of "why did this have to happen to me?" or "why did my pet have to die?" easier to answer, enabling one to say, "Well, it wouldn't have happened if only..."

When Laura P. of California lost her pit bull puppy to parvovirus only a few days after she adopted it from an animal shelter, she felt considerable anger toward the shelter. "They were so concerned about whether I had a secure yard that they didn't even notice the pup was losing weight and getting dehydrated," she wrote. Yvonne M. of New Jersey had a similar experience, and demanded, "Why does the state allow such places to exist?" She was infuriated by the shelter's promise to replace a pet if anything went wrong. "How can you develop a love for an animal and then replace it awhile later?" she asks.

If someone causes the death of your pet through a malicious act or through carelessness, it's certainly natural to feel anger toward that person. When Vivian R.'s dog was shot near its New Hampshire home, "all my husband and I could think of was to go home and find whoever did this terrible thing," she wrote. Vivian's situation demonstrates the need to maintain a level of common sense along with one's anger. She and her husband did locate the shooter, a neighbor, who was eventually required to pay damages. She stopped short, however, of having the man arrested because of her concern for the suffering this would cause the man's wife and two young children, who had nothing to do with the incident.

In this case, Vivian's anger was channeled into a constructive action that eventually cleared the way for her grief and for sympathy toward others. But Vivian was fortunate: She and her husband were able to track down the person responsible and had the legal resources to achieve a certain amount of justice, though no amount of money can ever replace a lost pet. All too often, the person who caused the death of a pet cannot be found, or no legal means of retaliation may be open to you. You may cause yourself far more suffering if you try to retaliate by taking the law into your own hands. If you are spending an inordinate amount of time concentrating on rage and hatred toward the faceless, untraceable driver of the speeding car that struck down your pet, you may be seriously impeding your recovery from your loss.

Some people feel anger toward the illness that kills a pet. It isn't fair; why did it have to happen to this pet? One person wrote that she felt fate had played a cruel trick on her: Her dog died of coronavirus just weeks before she read a magazine article about the disease and the new vaccine that had been developed for it.

It is even possible to feel anger toward the dead pet itself. "The only time she ever hurt me was when she left me," wrote one pet owner. You may feel angry at it for dying and leaving you, thus causing you pain, or for doing something that caused its own death. For example, if your pet escaped from the yard and ran into the road at the wrong time, or ate a poisonous plant, or provoked a fight with another animal, you may blame the pet for the "stupidity" that took it from you.

One pet owner felt a certain amount of anger toward her dog for appearing perfectly healthy on the morning of its death. This pet owner felt that if only the dog had shown, somehow, that something was wrong, the owner would not have left it home alone but would have taken it to the vet, who might have been able to save it. If no other target is available, the pet may become the focus of blame for the anger and hurt you're feeling at this time.

You may also feel anger toward yourself, perhaps seeing yourself as the cause of the pet's death. Anger turned inward, into self-blame, becomes guilt.

<<End Snippet>>

Sheppie, then she goes into detail about Guilt, Denial, Depression and so forth. After you've digested the above a bit, and I know it may take days, weeks or months ... After that, we'll talk some more. Let me add that, along with explaining these stages of grief as well as the why and how it's manifested, she also tells us how we can begin to cope. There is hope, Sheppie. Please don't give up on hope just yet. Okay? Okay. Do you have any specific questions for me at this time? Please don't hesitate to ask. Again, we are here for you, Dear One. I Wish You Peace!!!

Many Comforting Hugs to you and your Angel Fur Kid!!!



Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

No I am not upbeat at all I can hardly function the reason I can right on here is because I know everyone is experinceing the same pain which makes it eairer to express our feelings. Others dont understand. I have totally isolated my self. I had to call the vet yesterday I was a total wreck. She was kind to talk to me but I felt no better I just want my baby back even if it was just going to be for the holidays. I really am hateing myself more as the days go. There will be no tree there will be no happiness at this home thats for sure.Everyone keeps telling me that I need to do something well I tried today to go with my son shopping and my heart wasnt in it. My son is 33 and all he did the whole time was mom cheer up and all I did was cry. I am not looking forward to when the weather gets nice my boy just loved to go out and lay and sun bath by the pool. I cant get past the moment and I am dreading the future. I am so glad you brought your sheppie home. That was the only day I truley felt good. I was going to have him cremated but then couldn't so I went back 2 days later and brought him home. I held him and felt at peace knowing he was home. Everyday since it just gets worse. I talk to an empty spot on the floor at night and tell him I know your laying there and how much I love him. I guess max was my little rock for me when I puy my smokey down 3 years ago and believe me I suffered with him after having spent 14 years with him. Max filled that void and became my crutch. I guess I miss all the love he provided me with. I pored all my heart and sorrow out to him and now he is gone. Well having another tuff moment so I will talk to you later. Hang in there and I will try to do the same. I guess we dont have any other choice.

Hugs from one broken heart to another
Anna

Dearest Anna,

I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to put the above quote on your thread since that will make it easier for me to follow and respond to you. Of course, please leave it here as well. As I always say, it's by sharing and caring that we help each other to get through this most gosh awful difficult time in our lives. Hugs!!! I'll meet you at your thread, Dear One.

Many Comforting Hugs to You and your Angel Fur Kid Max!!!



Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Hi All

Happy New Year. I have been absent because I had a hard Christmas without her. I know each and every one of you on here had one too either this year or years gone by.

I don't cry much anymore. I am just so sad. I have begun a new relationship with my shepherd b/c she has never been an only dog so that is interesting.

I have had well intentioned people ask "so are you gonna get another one"...and I know they mean well but I feel like saying...she is not a sweater that was ruined in the wash ya know...but I just usually shrug or say no.

Working in a vet clinic makes things that much trickier. This Monday passed as I opened the clinic I heard the beep bee from the IV pump (the alarm) and I opened the door to see who was in clinic for the weekend. I knew even before I opened the kennel.....poor dear passed away. I instantly felt soooooooooooooooooooo sad that he was alone. The owners had left him in the doctors hands but she felt this may happen. He was a 15 year old guy but I dunno...who cares. I had to take the poor people in the room when they arrived and there it starts all over again.

I see my dogs file in the files but I refuse to remove it. Stupid I know. Like she is coming back....not. Just my one defiance against this stinker of a deal I was offered.

Anyhow I will take some time in the next little while to peruse the board and get to know other peoples stories.

I feel all your pain and I know you feel mine.

Hi Sheppie

Glad to see you back. I wish I could say that I wasn't still crying. I know it does me no good to cry it wont change a thing or bring my Max back. God bless you for what you do. Its nice to know that there are peole who work in your field that truley care about our babies. I too have one dog now he is so lost without Max that it breaks my heart. Dozer is my husbands baby. I still just cant come to crips with the suddeness of it all. We do have alot of new members since you last visited. I wish that we never had to be here, but I am so thankful that we do have each other. Hope you had a nice Christmas, well as nice as it could be. Thanks for shareing your progress with us. Every little positive is a good thing these days.

God Bless you and your angel sheppie
Anna

Hi friends.

Have not been on here at all lately. I am moving forward some days and back, others. My 2.5 year old boy occasionally asks "where is Sine"...to which I have to reply.....she has died love. Her heart stopped beating and she no longer breathes. We won't see her again....only in photos.

My parents were witness to this 3 days ago...out of the blue he asks. My mom just looked at me in the rear view mirror and though we spoke no words....we spoke.

Anyhow I am appreciative to all of you that took the time to write to me on this board and in time,,,,I hope to give back.

Here (raising a glass) is to all of our dear and cherished friends.......................

My hello & introduction: http://lightning-strike.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=5727

I just lost my dog Maggie to hemangiosarcoma on New Years Day 2010. I can relate to all that Sheppie & smokey/lady/max have written. Maggie's illness came on suddenly.

Maggie was about 12 years old (a rescued dog) and had always been a pretty healthy girl. Earlier this year (Feb 09) she had two very minor seizures (tests were run but no unerlying causes were found). In June 09 she had a bout with pancreatitis, we almost lost her then because she went into shock, but we got her to the vet and then cared for her at home and she rallied from it.

She has been acting normal for several months prior to her death. In fact on Christmas eve she was hoping around, playing with our 2 other dogs. She had been eating and drinking, nothing seemed wrong with her at all.

On Monday (Dec 29, 2009) she slept all day, which was not unusual for her. When I got her up around 4 pm she was having trouble walking, she was staggering and having a hard time standing. I thought she was about to have a seizure so I made her lay down. I watched closely for the seizure but nothing happened. She was content to lie down for a bit but after less than 2 minutes she got up on her own and went outside to go potty.

Since I thought the episode might be a mild/small seizure I called her vet. He advised me to keep an eye on her and give her phenobarbital if another seizure occurred.

Two more times that evening when she got up to walk she would stagger and almost collapse, but if you gave her a moment to catch her breath she could continue to walk, just slowly. Otherwise she seemed fine, her gums were pink, her vitals were normal, and she was eating and drinking water, so I did not feel we were in the midst of an emergency and did not rush her to the emergency vet.

I thought pneumonia or congestive heart failure.

First thing in the morning on Tuesday (Dec 29, 2009) we took her to our close vet who we use for annual exams and shots. He ran a bunch of tests, heart monitor, xrays, ekg, did bloodwork. He thought pneumonia, planned to treat for such with antibiotics, and sent us home with her. She was to be kept quiet and warm.

Once at home something was not sitting right with me about the diagnosis, or Maggie's overall condition. I could not put my finger on it, but I just was not comfortable with anything. I began reaching out to people I know in rescue and discussing what had gone on and the diagnosis. A few of these people agreed and so I decided I would take Maggie to another vet in the morning for a second opinion.

However, later on Tuesday Maggie seemed to be a bit worse so I took her to our other vet who does all the surgeries my dogs need and he specializes in strange things, he is a very experienced & smart vet. He looked over all the test results from the 1st vet, and also thought Pneumonia, but thought her pancreatitis was acting up. Ran a snap test and the results showed positive for pancreatitis.

He said she could go home with us, and prepared us to care for her at home with IV fluids and injectible shots of antibiotics. He told us to bring her back in within 24 hours so that he could run more blood work and see her to determine if she was making progress.

Late morning on Wednesday (Dec 30, 2009) back at the 2nd vet her blood work had improved. The vet thought she would slowly progress and let us take her home again.

On Thursday morning (New Years eve) she appeared to be getting worse. Her gums were pale, her abdomen looked swollen, she was reluctant to get up and she refused to eat. We rushed her back to the 2nd vet. He took some new xrays to find her heart was enlarged (more so than on the xrays from Tuesday), and since her abdomen had filled with fluid he wanted to drain it.

He said that he believed there was an underlying cause over and above the pneumonia & pancreatitis and suggested an Ultrasound. Being almost noon on New Years Eve the vet clinic we needed to get her to for an ultrasound was closing. We would not be able to have an ultrasound done until Saturday (Jan 2, 2010) morning. He wanted to try Lasix in the meantime.

Fearful she'd get worse over the holiday when we would be forced to take her to an Emergency Vet that had not treated her previously we admitted her (hospitalized) her at the vet clinic so they could care for her.

The vet started treating her with Lasix (to cut fluid retention), drained the fluid from her abdomen and said he'd monitor her condition and make medication changes as needed. The vet promised to keep in touch and call with any changes. We were supposed to go back first thing Saturday (Jan 2, 2010) morning to see her, see if her condition was improving, get her in for an Ultrasound and go from there.

Her vet called us early in the morning on New Years day to let us know that her condition was declining rapidly and he felt it was best to let her go peacefully. We made arrangements to meet the vet at the clinic to say our goodbye's and euthanize her.

When we arrived, Maggie had already passed. My heart sank. The vet let us see her to say goodbye. I apologized to her as I held her in my arms. I told her I was sorry that I was not there with her. I asked her to forgive me.

The vet wanted to know the cause of death as did I so gave him permission to open her up to explore. He found a hemangiosarcoma on her heart (ruptured) and found the cancer had also spread to the lungs. He explained this cancer to us and said it is a fast moving deadly cancer and with it's location, even if we knew it was there, we would not have been able to save her.

Knowing what I know about the cause of death has not made things any easier. I cannot shake the sadness, guilt and anger.

Maggie was such a great dog. I've more to say/share but will save my thoughts & feelings for later.

Thank you to Sheppie & smokey/lady/max for sharing, it was your words that made me feel like I could share.

BullyMama