Hi everyone, I lost my best friend of 13 years about a month ago. I've been lost without her. I found this site a couple weeks ago and its been a Godsend as its helped so much to know that others loved their pets and miss them as much as I do. I was beginning to think I was crazy. I finally feel up to actually post my/Keesha's story. I had to have my lab/husky mix put down on July 1st and the pain has been unbearable since. I still can't believe she is gone.

I adopted Keesha from our local animal shelter in 1996 when she was 8 weeks old. She was the best dog a person could ask for. Other than going to work she did everything with me and anyone who came into contact with her loved her. Well on Sunday night, June 28, I let her out to use the bathroom before going to bed. A few minutes later I hear her crying so I run outside to check on her and see she's holding her front left leg in the air and appeared to be in a lot of pain. I carried her inside and called the vet. she said she probably just sprained it but if she's not feeling better in the morning bring her in.

She wasn't feeling better the next morning so i take her in and the vet immediately determined she broke her leg....she did an x-ray to confirm it. She told me she would need a plate put in and they don't do that locally. She got on the phone and attempted to set up surgery but nobody had the right supplies in stock and it would be atleast two or three days before they could get them in(which baffled me how none of these places had the right equipment and my poor dog is suffering with a broken leg). Anyway my vet calls me Tuesday morning and found a vet that could do the surgery....although it was 4 hours away!

So my wife and I borrow her sisters mini-van so we could put Keesha's bed in the back and she could have a somewhat comfortable 4 hour ride to this place. So we finally get there.....my wife takes the x-ray and paperwork inside and I sit on the back of the van with Keesha and comfort her. The technician comes out a few minutes later and asks me if my vet said anything to me about cancer. I told him no and asked him why. He said he's never seen a dog break their leg in that area unless they were hit by a vehicle or something along those lines....never just trotting outside. So he was going to go take a digital x-ray to see if they could say for sure. He picks up Keesha and away they go.

He comes back out and says he still can't tell for sure and they won't know until they go into surgery. If its cancerous he said they could amputate her leg and depending on how much its spread i could still get 6-12 months with her. So we were going to do that if they did find out it was cancer. I hated the thought of my baby only having three legs and most likely ending her days of going on walks with me but it was better than the alternative...putting her down. Anyway, they couldn't do the surgery until the next morning and wanted to keep her down there that day so we decided to go home and would come back on Thursday morning to pick her up....best case they don't find any cancer and go ahead and put the plate in and worst case they see a cancerous spot and amputate her leg but i still get 6-12 months with her.

They call me at work the next morning and say they still can't tell if the spot by the break is cancer so they were going to go ahead and put the plate in...obviously good news. Twenty minutes later the surgeon calls back and says he found a large tumor on the other side of her leg and a hole where the cancer started eating through her leg.....causing the break. My heart sank....he told me they could go ahead and amputate the leg but its most likely spread to her chest and lungs by this point and I'd get 3-5 months at the most and where bone cancer is so aggessive she would go down hill fast and it would be very painful for her. He recommended eutheninizing her while she was already under and she wouldn't feel a thing and would go out peacefully. As much as i didn't want to do that I realized it was best for her so that's what we did.

Besides missing her like crazy the worst part of this is I wasn't able to say good-bye to her. I feel now like i took her down there and left her with a bunch of strangers to die. Her last 16 hours on earth were with people she didn't even know. I feel horrible about that......the last time I saw her we were sitting on the back of the van and then they grab her and take her off so fast i didn't even get to kiss her or say good-bye.....Now I'm second guessing myself thinking i should have atleast drove the 4 hours down there and had the vet let her come awake long enough for me to see her one last time and say good-bye to her the way she deserved after the 13 great years she gave me. Would that have been fair to her though to wake her up just so i can say good-bye and then putting her through the whole euthenization process?? I don't know but I just miss her so much and hope she knew how much I loved her! sorry this is so long..my apologies. Just feels good to vent. Thanks for listening.

im so sorry for the loss of your beloved keesha. you know one of the things that i love most about my furry companions is that we can speak to each other without speaking. they know, they feel our love, our joy, our sadness, and our frustrations. everything happens for a reason although sometimes we just cannot understand why.

keesha passed away knowing how much you and your family loved her. you gave her the best years of her life. you cannot change what happened and perhaps it was for the best. you might be feeling really guilty if they had woken her up and she was in pain for you to say goodbye. you see, in these kinds of circumstances we never win. be comforted in knowing that she went peacefully and that she was no longer in pain. its not too late to say goodbye and tell her how much you love and miss her. tell her today. she can hear you. i believe they become our angels and the watch over us.

always remember that you gave her the best 13 years of her life. she knew how much you loved her. there is no question. they always know. and the decision you made over the phone? well it was made out of the utmost love. and she knows that.

take it one day at a time. you are amongst a group of people that consider our pets, our best friends. we know the pain you are going thru. please come back and write whenever you need to. we are here for you. you are not alone.

you are in my thoughts and prayers.
patricia

I am so sorry for your loss Trevor, what an absolutely dreadful time you've all been through. If only we cld see in to the future, hey?...but that isn't so....don't let the guilt rob you of your love for Keesha. The wonderful thing bout our fur companions is they love us no matter what. It's us that are left behind who have a lot to go thru to process the events. You did the best with the knowledge you had @ the time & that is all we can humanly do, though often it just doesn't seem enough, but in reality it is.
Making these life & death decisions in what seems like a blink is never ever easy & being so far away you did a most beautiful thing to let you Keesha go peacefully so she didn't suffer, even though you are suffering you did the right thing.
When my dog Buddy was put to sleep I had a lot of those 'why didn't I know' how sick he was.....blah...blah...thoughts....takes up to much energy to think like that, put your energy into processing the loss of your beloved Keesha and remembering the good times.
I'm glad you hve been able to share your story it's the start of processing all these emotions....which is not the sort of ride we volunteer for.
Go gently & keep sharing here with us.
elaine

i am also so sorry.

Patricia, Petmum and gailie, thanks for your replies and support it is greatly appreciated. I think what bothers me the most is this all happened so fast. There was no time to prepare for it. On Sunday I'm taking Keesh for her daily walk and we play outside some.....no signs whatsoever that she was actually in the process of dying from bone cancer.....then three days later she's gone. That first week was the worst week of my life. The pain has subsided somewhat but I still miss her so much and still think about her all the time.

I just feel so guilty for not being there with her at the end and not being able to kiss her good-bye. Maybe things do happen for a reason as the oppurtunity arose for us to get an eight week old siberian husky. I felt guilty getting her so quickly but I've told Keesha that I'm not replacing her but giving another pup a good home with lots of love.....i just had to fill the void somehow as it is just so quiet and odd around the house without our girl....everything we do reminds us of her! I talk to Keesh every day....I just hope she can hear me and God willing I hope to see her one day again...believing I will see her again is the only thing keeping me going at this point. I knew it would be hard losing her but until it actually happens you just don't know how much it hurts.

Thats so true Trevor until you go thru it, you just don't realise the impact our fur companions loss will hve, I'm glad you've got your little one, what's her name.
I know that void so well, when our companions aren't there. I applaud you for being able to open your heart whilst still in such grief, it say's a lot about the sort of person you are, well done!!
We also hve a new dog, Jesse James. I was also suprised by how fast he came into our lives after the loss of Buddy, I really didn't think I'de be able to to hve another dog so soon, but that aching void for my Buddy was just too much.
Yes we will be reunited with all those that hve gone b4 us, I believe this too.
elaine

So sorry about the loss of Buddy....what kind of dog was he? Congrats on the addition of Jesse James.....cool name! What kind of dog is he? We named our new one Maya...she's adoreable and I love her tons already. Like I said I felt guilty getting her so soon as it was only about 2 and a half weeks after Keesha's death but I think she would want us to love another one like we loved her. Did you feel guilty or disloyal getting another one so quickly?

Jesse James is allowed inside & Buddy wasn't (guilt! guilt!). He is a 3.5yrs old golden retriever from the animal shelter, he was surrended.
Buddy was a border collie x labrador, just the best dog.....so loyal....so everything......he was 14yrs when died.....It was bout 4 weeks I think after Buddy died that Jesse James came to us. I was finally able to look @ pics of dogs & the nxt thing I know I'm driving for an hour to meet a dog!!!! Then back on the following w/e with the family to see if he liked us........
Everywhere I looked all I cld see where ppl walking their dogs and I was so sad cos I couldn't do that anymore.
I can honestly say I didn't think I would ever be able to bring myself to love another dog after Buddy.....but I read on here somewhere bout not closing ya heart up just cos you are in pain, keep your loving heart open & that's exactly what I did & well the rest is as I've described.
I thought that ppl wld think I was heartless in getting another dog after Buddy & that it wld be disrepectful to Buddy's memory if another dog came in to our lives, but it's been a good thing & I'm glad I kept my heart & mind open.
I love the name Maya I think it's very appropriate.
Aren't you glad you kept an open heart?
elaine

I would like to add my voice to the others here about being so sorry for your loss of Keesha. It is never easy to let them go but you can have some comfort in that she did not suffer at the end. I think that you handled things the best way possible under the circumstances. Waking her up would have been better for you but harder on her so you did what was best for her.

We always got another cat when we lost one to old age or disease. I look at it like you do in that we are not trying to replace anyone who is gone. We are giving a good life to a new family member. Each furkid is so different that there is no way you could replace one who is gone. They are all special in their own way and we accept that the loss will always be there but we can rejoice in the new life we are bringing home with us. It is in memory of those who are gone that a new furkid is given a chance at having a good life. I believe that our departed ones would approve.

Take care,
Ken Albin

Thanks Ken, I appreciate it. You're right I can take some comfort knowing she didn't suffer at the end and waking her back up just so I could say good-bye to her would have been selfish on my part. I'm coming to grips with that but it still really bothers me that after 13 years together I was unable to say good-bye to her.....I think its a lack of closure. I didn't actually see her stop breathing so in the back of my mind its like she's still alive if that makes any sense. She was cremated and I have her ashes in an urn in our living room and I talk to her everyday but its still very difficult excepting the fact that she's gone.

Buddy sounds like a beautiful dog...hopefully him and Keesha are playing together now:) Its really great you adopted Jesse James from the shelter...I'm sure he'll be a great dog and you'll give him a great home. I know what you mean as far as seeing people walk their dogs and it being hard.....I would be sitting in the living room lokking out the window and seeing people contantly walking by with their dogs and me thinking that should be Keesha and I.....and of course i'd start balling. When we took Maya for a walk the first few times it was hard as well because all I could think was this should be Keesha i'm walking....I had to work really hard in changing my mindset because it certainly wasn't fair to Maya to be thinking that way...I still think it occasionally but I'm getting much better. Thanks Elaine, Trevor

Hi Trevor.

So very sorry for your loss.

I know you feel guilty for not saying goodbye, don't. Would you have said goodbye? When we had to put our Hunny down April 4th (also from cancer) I didn't say goodbye - just "see you later". I don't know if there is anything after this life, but I sure hope so and I sure hope to see my little angel again someday. Saying goodbye just felt like it would be so final. We also lost Lily last June suddenly and so unexpectedly. That was totally devastating. We didn't get to say our last farewells either so I know how you feel. But I know in my heart that she knew just how much we loved her. We found out just days after losing Lily that Hunny had cancer. She had two toes amputated in hope of saving her life. But unfortunately, we had to make that dreadful decision to let her be with Lily April 4th. She was on painkillers for the last month. I've watched a dog die from cancer and it is not anything I would want anyone, let alone a dog go through. They don't understand what is happening to them and they are scared. So we let Hunny go. I will always wonder if we did it at the right time. Could we have waited longer? Probably, but the tumour was wide open on her foot again and others were popping up. Maybe letting them go the way you did is better. I don't know - all I know is it hurts whatever way it happens. And we all move forward with some guilt. We just have to learn to live with it and believe that we did the right thing. I've heard of people with cancer wishing that they could end their pain and suffering. I just couldn't bear to let Hunny go through that. I miss her - and Lily with every beat of my heart, but I choose to believe they are together again.

Keesha knew she was loved and she had a good long life. Both of mine were only eight. Not young, but not old. I feel that I was ripped off - they should have lived years longer! Probably not the nicest thing to say to someone who is mourning, and I'm sorry, but that's how I feel. I miss them both so much. Cancer is just such a horrible disease. It robs us of our happiness.

Let the guilt go. She knew you loved her - why else would you have taken her to the vet? We too had a final long one hour drive - one way with Hunny. But maybe it's they who are in a better place - we get stuck here missing them and longing for them.

Once again, I'm so sorry. And I'm sorry to ramble on - my pain is still pretty fresh. I don't cry as much as I did when Hunny was alive. We knew since last summer that her days were coming to an end and believe me that is just so hard. Knowing that you will have to make that final decision soon - it's heart wrenching. But you do live each day to the fullest. It doesn't make the ending any easier though.

Just take it one day at a time - that is all we can do.

Take care.

Lynette.

Cancer! I lost my Peekaboo to it too. It's not fair. So sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You know, I really think you did what was best for Keesha. Yes, you could have had them let her wake up and wait for you to drive there to say good-bye - but would that have been best for her? She probably would have been scared and in pain. You spared her that. Sometimes loving our babies means making hard choices and putting their needs before our own, and I think you did that. It hurts you that you didn't get to say good-bye, but it was probably best for her.

Magdalene

Your comment Tevor "I didn't actually see her stop breathing so in the back of my mind its like she's still alive if that makes any sense.", I was with my Buddy when he stopped breathing & I still wondered if it was all a mistake & he was still alive, even after the vet checked that his heart had stopped & told me, I was right in the room & I still couldn't believe it.
Darn hard stuff to process that's for sure.
I'm glad you've got Maya she sounds very sweet.
elaine

Its hard to process for sure.....whether you're there or not. Its just emotionally draining. I still would have prefered to be there with her but under the circumstances it wouldn't have been in Keesha's best interest. Maybe being there and seeing her actually stop breathing and leaving me would have been even worse....unfortunately I'll never know.

Thanks Magdalene I appreciate it. I agree it wouldn't have been right to wake her up just so i could see her one last time and make her go through all the trauma.....it does comfort me some to know she went peacefully:)

Sorry about your Peekaboo...cancer is an awful disease and its unfortunate that it seems to be taking so many dogs lives prematurely.

Thanks Lynette I really appreciated your post. I'm so sorry about Hunny and Lily....and to lose them at such a young age had to have been awful. I'm thankful I had Keesha for 13 years although i still feel I got cheated as well. Its awesome that you didn't say goodbye but "see you later"...that's an excellent way of looking at it. I have been praying a lot since Keesha's death and I believe God is telling me I will see my girl again one day. I have to believe that....its the only thing keeping me going these days. At times I still wish I would have had them amputate her leg and allow me to bring her home and live out her life with us...even though it would be short and probably painful. I think she might have preferred to be in pain but with us than in no pain and far away from us....its very difficult processing everything. Deep down I know we did the right thing but I just miss so bad as you do with Hunny and Lily. Take care and hang in there.

Hi Keesha,

Its 5 weeks today(almost to the minute) when you left us for a better place. It sure doesn't seem like its been that long. It seems like it was just yesterday I had to make that gut wrenching decision to let you go be with God. When you died that day a part of me did as well.

Knowing you-you probably would have prefered we bring you home with one less leg and in pain so you could be with us for a few more months. As much as I would have liked to do that I couldn't put you through the suffering that would have inevitably took place. I just couldn't put you through that. I just couldn't allow cancer to destroy my baby girl in front of my eyes. I had to let you go where you will never suffer again....I'm sorry! As painful as it is now I would do it all over again....you gave me 13 great years and I thank you for that.

I've shed more tears the last 5 weeks than I have my entire life. Just goes to show what you meant to me Keesh.I'm so sorry I wasn't with you at the end and didn't get a chance to say good-bye-or see you later-(thanks Lynette). That will stay with me the rest of my life. I just hope you weren't scared and wondering where your family was the last 16 hours of your life.

I would do anything to be able to take you for one last walk and drive in the truck--the two things you loved doing the most. Its just not the same doing those things without you. We have a new puppy now named Maya....you would really like her.....I hope you aren't mad at us for getting another pet so quickly and I hope you'd be happy we are giving another dog a loving home like we gave you. She's not replacing you because you are irreplaceable she's filling a void you left. She reminds me of you in so many ways!

Its just not the same around here without you but I believe you are pain-free once again and happy and playing with other animals. I truly believe we will be re-united one day and that will be the happiest day of my life. I love you and miss you Keesh.

Your bestfriend forever, Trevor

I am so sorry about your loss.Its so hard to deal with.I have just lost my little sweetheart Magic to cancer on friday.I never said good bye to her,I just smothered her with kisses and told her how much I loved her.For me,I knew she would be coming back with me,so for me goodbye seemed final and I didnt want that.I take comfort from that.Its just so,so hard isnt it.I had taken her to the vets on monday as she was bringing up bile and my wonderful vet said it may be an ulcer in her stomach.By friday I had taken her back and she had an x ray and investigated.The vet found a tumor in her intestine.There was no more he could do.I understand what you are going through,its such a horrible suffocating sadness isnt it.They are so precious arent they.Best wishes with your new companion.

Zoe

That is such a beautiful letter Trevor. Made me cry because I understand all too well how you feel.

We could have let Hunny live longer too and possibly with one less leg also. But I couldn't bear to see her struggle. Hunny was a very proud dog. She was so mad last year when she had to wear the e-collar for months. At times, the look in her eyes said "just shoot me now - I hate this thing". She lost two toes to cancer and the vet said if it returned her only option (if she was a candidate) was to amputate her whole leg. I know she would have hated that. And I think she would have hated us for doing that to her. Fortunately she wasn't a candidate (if you call that fortune!!!). She was overweight, older and had arthritis in her hips. We decided last year that we wouldn't start cutting anymore off of her. But we had eight extra months with her, the vet wanted to put her down last summer. And if the cancer had spread, we would have had no choice, but it hadn't. I'm so grateful for the extra time we had with her. And we cherished everyday even though it was terribly stressful - and it was. I changed bandages at least once every day for two months. Hunny hated it. She loved being outside and walking through every mud puddle and ditch there was. Try keeping a bandage clean and dry in those circumstances!!! And last summer was a very wet one. Poor Hunny, she couldn't go outside without a plastic bag on her foot. I know she absolutely hated. I'm sure she felt humiliated. When I look back at the photos that we took of her since she got sick, I can see the sadness (or pain - not sure which one - maybe both) in her eyes. I know she didn't want to go, but I think she wanted to be with Lily. I know she missed Lily so much. I think she hung on for us. She was very stubborn too.

She was on painkillers for the last month. I know she needed them, because I cut back her dosage one day (just to stretch the pills - cheap and stupid and I hate myself for being so cheap). But when I did, she started coughing and this obsessive licking. She would lick whatever she was lying on, sometimes her foot. I could never tell if she was in pain or not, but the licking made me think that she was in quite a bit despite the painkillers. So, I upped the dosage again. She never did stop the licking. The coughing stopped though. But by then she had a huge mass on her chest, so it must have spread to her lungs.

My parents had a dog die of liver cancer many years ago. Jane suffered so much in the last week. It was awful, and I promised that I would not let Hunny go through that. We had two young pups in the house and we were afraid that she might snap and hurt them if the pain became too much. I hate that this was one of the reasons we let her go, but we had to consider the welfare of Barney and Casey too, right? The tumour on Hunny's foot was wide open, it was just as if someone had sliced the side off of it. And she couldn't walk without it bleeding. That had to be painful for her. We didn't bandage it this time because that meant that she would have to wear the collar again.

I remember telling her each night for the last week or so, that Lily was waiting for her and that she could go if she wanted to. That we would miss her but we understood if she couldn't fight any longer. This part makes me feel so bad, cos obviously she didn't want to go yet. I would wake up every morning and listen for her. Sometimes, I could hear her moving around, but sometimes, it was so quiet I would get scared and get up to see if she was still with us.

It's such a terrible decision that we had to make. I hope I never have to again. I know we did the right thing by letting her go. I often wonder if we should have waited longer. My husband thinks that she would not have had a good quality of life if we'd kept her here with us. Lumps were popping up in other places. He found one on the back of her neck just a couple days before she flew to heaven. If it was a tumour, then it was probably just a matter of time before it spread to her brain. And there was no way I could watch the awful deteriation that was sure to follow. Like I said Hunny had way too much pride and dignity. I wanted her to leave with her dignity intact. She knew we loved her. I just hope that she is not mad at me for what we did. I hope that one day she will forgive me. Lily too - because we couldn't save her.

I sent Hunny to heaven with a stuffed angel bear and one for her to give to Lily when she got there. I hope Lily flew down to get her. I also tucked a little letter in one of the angels for them. Hunny was cremated with these angels, but when I get to heaven (hopefully), I hope that these angels and the letter made it to heaven with Hunny. If there was no one there to read it to them, then I will read it to them when I get there.

I know this sounds really weird and crazy. And I'm bawling my eyes out as I write all of this, but I still have a lot of healing to do yet I guess After all it's only been four months since we gave Hunny her angel wings.

Sorry to ramble on and on. I think I may have gotten off track here too.

I miss them both so much.

So, I'm sending a hug to you. I know a hug feels so good when it hurts so much.

Take care.

Lynette.

that was so sweet and so hard to read. you said everything im sure we would all love to say to our loved ones that have passed. may the lord surround you with his love and give you peace
patricia

Thanks guys for your kind words. Today was a hard day...being the 5 week mark and all. I thought it might help if I wrote a letter to Keesha...it really didn't unfortunately. Something did happen today though that did give me a boost. I took Maya to the vet for her shots....a little background info first...my parents had a dog named sasha who passed away acouple years ago. Her and Keesha were buddies, they loved playing together. Well a girl came in behind me with her two huskies and sat down beside me. I asked her the names of her dogs...she said Sasha and Keesha. My eyes must have gotten as big as silver dollars....i couldn't believe it. Was it just a coincidence or was it a sign from God that Sasha and Keesha are with him playing together once again?? I'd like to believe the latter.

Patricia, thanks the letter definitely came from my heart and it was hard for me to write with the tears streaming down my face.

Zoe, losing two of your loved ones in such a short period of time is more than unbearable. I feel your pain. Give it time it will get better. You'll never forget them and some days will be worse than others but the pain will subside little by little. Hang in there.

Lynette, I feel the same way with Keesha....It would have been very difficult if I would have had to have her leg amputated. She already had two "bad' back legs as she had surgery done on both as she tore her ACL in both legs. Plus she was starting to get arthritus in her hips. If she lost a leg there is no way she could have went on walks with me again and that would have been very difficult for her. She, like Hunny, was a proud dog and to be minus a leg plus the pain and suffering she would have endured in the next few months would have been unbearable for me to witness. Be glad you got the extra eight months with Hunny. She appreciated everything extra you had to do for her and she loved you even more for doing so. She hung on as long as she could and you did the right thing when you did it. Like me and most people you second guess all your decisions....I guess its normal to do so. Take care.

same comment from my other post
WOW!!!!!! trevor I truly believe this was to help you, everything happens for a reason whether we can figure it out or not.
you pick pick your jaw up now!!!!
elaine

I know right?? What are the odds of something like that happening....it has to be more than a coincidence- I'm convinced it was a sign:)

as long as it left you feeling ok, then it was definately worth the suprise.
elaine

Thanks Trevor.

I cry so much when I visit this site and read all of the sad and wonderful comments.

I would take that as a sign.

We kinda had our own sign from Hunny. I was walking our other dogs one day about 2 1/2 weeks after Hunny had left and had commented to my daughter that we need another big dog to protect our beagles from the neighbours big guard dogs. Hunny was the protector in our family. She wasn't vicious, but just would keep others in place if she had to. Anyway, when we got back home, I mentioned this to my husband. But then, three days later while at work, a dog showed up there. Dogs often pass through here, but none ever stick around like this one did. It was 5 o'clock Friday afternoon and he was still here. He was super friendly. He looked to be a full-blood border collie. I phoned the local vet and police. Nobody had reported him missing and they wanted nothing to do with him. So, I took him home. I just couldn't leave him here all alone over the weekend. That was just cruel. So, he came home with us. We named him George. We looked for about a month for his owners, but not one person phoned. Needless to say, we kept him. He is such a sweet lovable, big baby. We believe that Hunny sent him to look after the beagles. He tends to growl and snap at Barney sometimes, but he also plays with him too. Every once in a while he makes a movement or does something that reminds us of Hunny.

I'm not really a religious person, but sometimes I wonder. Was George sent here to watch over Izzy, Barney and Casey? Did Hunny send him? I like to think so. And did Lily give up her place here so that Izzy could have a better life? Makes you wonder doesn't it? How many humans would give up their lives to give another a better life?

All though we miss our angels like crazy, these signs kinda bring a warm fuzzy feeling right?

wow! that was an amazing story. i certainly would take that as a sign from your little one. i think shes telling shes ok now. i believe that they are always with us, sending us signs that they are ok. sometimes mine come to me in my dreams and although i wake up crying, i feel as if they purposely came to say were ok. dont be sad anymore. youre so right lynette. they do leave us with a warm fuzzy feeling. im so glad you received your sign trevor. she knows how much you love her still and im sure shes "upstairs" smiling right about now.

youre in my thoughts and prayers.
patricia

Thanks Patricia, I really hope it was a sign from her telling me she's ok now.....for some reason it brought tears to my eyes when i read that sentence from you:) I really wish I could know for sure if she's happy and healthy once again and looking down watching over me.....I really try and believe that's the case. You're lucky to still have dreams about your lost one(s). I had lots the first week but none since and I pray each night I'll have a dream about her because I just want to see that pretty face and beautiful brown eyes again!!!

Lynette, that was really great what you did for George....most people would have left him right there and not cared at all about his well-being. And I would definitely take that as a sign.....signs can be very subtle and sometimes you might not even pick up on them at first. When that girl told me the names of her dogs I was just amazed but never thought much about it at the time but after a while I got thinking about it and convinced myself that it was a sign from God or Keesha or both. Do you ever have dreams anymore about Hunny and Lily? I was just telling Patricia I had lots of them the first week or so but none since and I miss having them.....its as close to real life as I'll see her again(in this lifetime anyway) and really wish I would have some dreams about her....maybe i'm not because i'm trying to hard to have them....I don't know! Its just so hard not having her around...its like for a few days I do ok then it hits you like a ton of bricks that she's gone....ok days, bad days....part of the grieving process I guess.

Hi Trevor.

I've only dreamt of Hunny and Lily a couple times since they left. I used to think that they didn't come to me because they were mad at me - especially Lily - cos we couldn't save her. I still kinda think that, but sometimes I think that it's just because they've moved on and that they are now happy, healthy and just too busy to visit me. And that's ok - my only wish is that they are both happy. Even though it hurt like crazy when Hunny left, part of me felt glad because it meant that Lily wasn't alone anymore. I needed them both to be together again. There were times when they fought so much and poor Lily always came out the worse for wear, but I know they loved each other very much. Hunny was just so sad until we got Izzy. Watching a dog mourn for their sibling is very, very upsetting. She hid under the basement stairs and hardly ate.

I don't dream of them - I wish I did or maybe I do and just don't remember, but when I look off into the distance I can see them walking in the ditch side by side. They loved to trek through the field across the road and along the ditches. We live in the country so they never wore leashes (except to the vet) and they could pretty much come and go as they please. They often went next door to visit my parents dogs.

I still have Hunny's ashes on our wall unit. I can't seem to bring myself to bury them next to Lily. I keep asking myself if it's being disrespectful to Lily by not laying Hunny to rest next to her. But I don't think I can do it. I didn't "rest" until we had Hunny back home. It was two weeks before we got her ashes back. It just felt weird having her away from us for so long.

Anyway, things are getting better - slowly.

Do you ever wonder if an animal knows it's time is near? I ask that because for the few months before Lily slipped away she became almost obsessive about following my daughter everywhere. She always worshipped Carly and always followed her everywhere she went, but it just seemed that Lily became even more obsessive about being near Carly. And Lily had developed a lump on her side the previous year. It was about the size of a golf ball, firm, not hard nor soft. It didn't seem to bother her and then it went down by itself, then came back and then went down again and then we never saw it again. We never did get it checked out - maybe we should have - maybe it was a cancer and it moved inside her body and maybe that's what actullay killed her that day. I guess we'll never know. She seemed to be fit right to the very end. So, I've always wondered if they have a sixth sense about their timing running out.

Anyway, I'm gonna change the subject - that kinda freaks me out a bit - cos if I'd known her time was near I would have loved her even more than I did - if that was even possible. At least we had no regrets with Hunny, apart fromt he fact that we couldn't cure her, and I'm so grateful for the extra time we had with her (even though that time was sad cos we knew the end was closing in on herJ).

I'm rambling. Sorry.

I hope today finds you better.

I pray each night I'll have a dream about her because I just want to see that pretty face and beautiful brown eyes again!!!

trevor, if you believe it then its true. have no doubts. sometimes its hard to comprehend that because we are still grieving and trying to not feel guilty. we are left behind, drowning, and we struggle to stay afloat. but our wonderful furbabies are ok now. they no longer have to deal with the discomforts they felt during their last days. keesha was such a happy one while here with you, and of course she is happy "upstairs" watching you. hold on to this trevor. this will carry you thru on your darkest days. and when you least expect it you will dream of little keesha. you will see her face again. i dont immediately have dreams about them when they go. they come in time.
our pets are put here to teach us so much. they do not understand anything of what we have to deal with on a daily basis. they just know how to love. thats it! so where would they go after they pass but back home with their maker. that is their reward. i also believe that when they return, the big man upstairs is joyful. keesha is there now most likely chasing my fred and riley. her legs are fine and her arthritis is all gone.
trevor, my heart breaks for you. i can feel the love you had for keesha. what a blessing you both were to each other.
believe that shes ok now.
youre in my thoughts and prayers.
patricia

Patricia and Lynette, thanks. You've both been very helpful during this difficult time. The weekends seem to be the hardest....too much free time to just think. Right about now Keesha, my wife and I would be heading out to get something to eat and get groceries....that was our friday routine and Keesha always knew when it was grocery night....I have no idea how but they just have a way of knowing things that you wouldn't think they should. Now that we have the new pup she goes by herself and I stay at home with the pup as we just don't dare leave her in the truck by herself yet. Small things like that really get to me.

"keesha is there now most likely chasing my Fred and Riley. her legs are fine and her arthritis is all gone." I sure hope you're right Patricia. I do try to think positive like that but its still so hard not having her around. I still think she would have preferred to come home with us and deal with the pain than to leave us for a better place. She was a tough girl and would have been willing to deal with the suffering to be with her family. I do know though that wouldn't have been the right decision.

"I used to think they didn't come to me because they were mad at me." That's what I've been thinking lately....is she mad at me because I wasn't with her in the end? Is she mad because I didn't bring her home?

"Do you ever wonder if an animal knows its time is near?" I think they do know....or i hope they know. After Keesha broke her leg on that Sunday night and I couldn't get her into surgery immediately I had to consider putting her down on tuesday morning. She was in so much pain. I was going to go see my vet and ask her if she could do it now. I told Keesha before I went over that your pain was going to end today....I won't let you suffer anymore. She perked up a little and licked my face. My vet talked me out of it and was able to find someone to do the surgery. As we driving that 4 hour ride she was laying down but had her head perked up the whole time watching me drive. I was so proud of her knowing how much pain she was in...she was in such good spirits. Once we got there waiting for them to come out and get her we sat on the back of the van. She plopped down beside me and laid her head on my lap for about ten minutes looking up at me occasionally with those beautiful brown eyes. I think she might have known something.....I think she might have been saying good-bye to me. I don't know for sure obviously but maybe they do have that sixth sense and know when their time is up. The technician took her from there and that was the last time I saw her. I'll never forget that moment.

I believe animals know, how else cld u explain my Buddy's 2 last visit's to the vets.
He never liked going & always pulled away from the door & when we got in he wld sit right @ the door wanting to go out, he didn't want to go into the examining room & always pulled on his leash trying to get out the door.
Not so on the his last 2 visits.
His last visit he walked straight up to the front door of the vets, went in sat down & waited, walked straight in to the exam room & sat.
Animals are amazing!!!!
elaine

Elaine, I think you're right.....it sure seemed like Buddy knew what was going on. As sad as that is. I think Keesh might have known as well. I kind of hope she did and hope she realizes we did what we did because we loved her so much and didn't want to see her suffer any more. Sounds like Buddy hated going to the vet as much as Keesha:)

you are in my prayers Trevor.
elaine

Thankyou for your words of comfort.I hope things get a little easier for you over time.Its very hard isnt it.Take care.

Zoe

[quote name='trevor' date='Aug 7 2009, 02:54 PM' post='52166']


"keesha is there now most likely chasing my Fred and Riley. her legs are fine and her arthritis is all gone." I sure hope you're right Patricia. I do try to think positive like that but its still so hard not having her around. I still think she would have preferred to come home with us and deal with the pain than to leave us for a better place. She was a tough girl and would have been willing to deal with the suffering to be with her family. I do know though that wouldn't have been the right decision.

"I used to think they didn't come to me because they were mad at me." That's what I've been thinking lately....is she mad at me because I wasn't with her in the end? Is she mad because I didn't bring her home?



i know its so hard not to have her around. i miss mine every single day of the year. yes and i know weekends are the hardest. too much time to think right? your right, i think keesha would have come home with you in a heartbeat. they are so brave. but i think you made the right decision out of your love for her. and i dont doubt she knows that. and i can tell you 100% that keesha's not mad at you. they are not capable of having that emotion. they are born all love. thats the beauty of it all. they love us deeply till their last breathe. let go of that guilt trevor. i know its easier said than done but just remember that sometimes we project our own feelings on to them, because thats how we would feel. but we have to remember that they jus know how to love us. thats it. forgive yourself. thats what she would want for you....

you are in my thoughts and prayers. how is the new little one doing?

Thanks a lot Patricia. You're probably right about Keesha not being mad at me. I can't remember once where she actually got mad at me. I guess I just feel so guilty for not being able to be with her and hug and kiss her one last time. When the tech took her from the van that day I didn't even get a chance to say anything to her or kiss her or anything. It just happened so fast. And of course we never expected that to be the last time we'd ever see her. It kind of makes me angry now that he grabbed her and went with her so quickly. I know there is nothing I can do about it now and I am trying to not feel so guilty about it but I think its just something that will bother me the rest of my life.

As for the puppy she is doing pretty well....I forgot how much work they are and how easily they tire you out:) I try not to compare her to Keesha but its hard sometimes. And of course you fight with the guilt of getting a pet so quickly......I was really hoping that she'd help me take my mind off Keesha but that hasn't been the case....but overall things are going well with her.

Puppies.

Yes, I forgot how much work they are to. But they are just so cute aren't they?

I have two of them, beagles - one's a cavalier cross. But man are they alot of work. They chew everything!!! I don't find I compare them to Hunny, but I wonder if they miss her. We got Barney last November and although he and Hunny had a rocky start - I know she loved him so much. We got Casey just two weeks before she died, and I know she loved her too.

I like to think Hunny and Lily are watching over them. Lily never had the chance to meet any of them, but I know she would have loved them to pieces.

Good luck with the new puppy!!

just take it one day at a time trevor. its a slow process for most. and there will come a time where the negative thoughts will be replaced with the positive happy ones. im so sorry you werent able to say your proper goodbyes i know how deeply that is weighing on you and i think maybe if you look at it from a different angle: what a wonderful dad you were. accept that. you gave keesha wonderful wonderful years. years that she might not have had if she had gone to someone else. but you were brought together and during that time you loved her with all your might. thats what she took with her. i hope that helps even a little. of course you cant remember a time when she got mad at you. thats because they are incapable of that. the other day i was frantically looking for my phone: the phone was only two days old and got it only because i had lost my old one after four years... i was so mad. earlier that morning i had seen Lucy trying to get to it and now i couldnt find it. i yelled at her something awful. although i immediately regretted it, i could tell she was hurt (i was stressed because i had to go in to work on a weekend and now i was having to waste time looking for my phone) i picked her up immediately and she tucked her little head down. as i kissed her and hugged her and told her how sorry i was and how much i loved her, she picked up her head looked at me square in the eyes and gave me one giant lick. they do not understand the concept of being mad or hating. they love and love and love. stupid me found the phone later. it had been all my fault. trevor, please be kind to yourself. we cannot bring them back but believe that she is in a better place.
im very glad you have a little one. yes they are a lot of work arent they. although we also have guilt for getting a new one so quickly, i do believe our little loved ones are happy to see us smile (even if its through the tears). and although you may not know it but the new baby is helping you heal. embrace her, love her. she cannot replace keesha but she will soften the pain. (if you think about it, i bet youve smiled more with her than if you didnt have her, right)
trevor youre in my thoughts and i pray that with time your pain will lessen.
patricia

"........i hope that even helps a little." It did, thanks Patricia. I know I gave Keesha a good life and I did everything I possibly could for her. For some reason that just doesn't seem to be enough. I read all these other stories where people were able to say their last farewells and be with their beloved pet right to the end and I feel robbed of that. I feel I let Keesha down at the worst possible time. I just wish it could have played out differently. I hope you're right about eventually the negative thoughts will be replaced by the positive ones. I mean I think back and remember the good times we had together but the last couple days are what I think of the most and that is just so depressing.

Your story about getting mad at Lucy over something stupid brought a smile to my face....how you can yell at them and the next second they just want to kiss you.--such forgiving creatures:)

And you're right the new puppy has helped quite a bit. She's a handful at times but she's worth it. She has definitely helped fill that void Keesha has left. Take care.

one day and one minute at a time trevor… like my friend elaine (petmum) says "breathe in and breathe out". you will get thru this most horrible time. we are here to hold your hand. and you know that story abou the stupid phone and Lucy? well, keesha is looking down and giving you one giant lick. she forgives you and so should you.
thinking about you!
patricia

Keesha,

Hey baby girl, its 7 weeks today- I just can't believe you've been gone for almost two months. I miss you as much today as I did the day you left. The intense pain has subsided for the most part but there is an emptiness and sadness that will most likely stay with me the rest of my life. That's ok though because it will just be a reminder of how much you meant to me and the relationship we had for those 13 years.

I miss everything about you Keesh- waking up in the morning and seeing you lying in your bed ot if you decided to get up first seeing you laying your chin on the bed telling me its time to get up:) I miss coming home for lunch and having you great me at the door. I miss having you sitting by the kitchen table as we eat supper waiting to clean my plate off. I miss our daily walks after supper and seeing how excited you'd get when i said that magic word-walk! I miss taking you in the truck. I miss seeing you laying on the lawn or under my truck. I miss you laying in front of the tv in the evenings. I miss just being able to play and cuddle with you. I just hope you're able to do some of those things where you are now.

I hope you are watching over us--feel free to show up in my dreams from time to time. I love you very much and miss you more than words can say. Talk to you later Keesha. Love Trevor

trevor, you are missing the same things I am missing about Callie! Our lives were so integrated with our dogs that there was no line of separation. Now we've lost part of ourselves and we're lost. I wish I could make it all go away, for you, for me, for all of us here.

Chele, until you lose them you just don't realize how much your world evolves around them. Everything changes....from the emptiness of your home to your daily routine. Whenever I had to do something I always thought of Keesha first....can I take her with me do to this and if not how long will it take before I get back home to see her. Except for going to work I hated leaving her at home...I always wanted to take her with me. Maybe that wasn't healthy because now with her gone I'm lost. My life is so different now. I put on a pretty good front to the people around me but inside it kills me knowing I will never see her again(in this lifetime anyway). Literally when she died a part of me died.

Like I told you in your thread about Callie the intense pain will subside and it does get somewhat easier but life will never be the same again. I don't think i go more than 15 minutes at a time without thinking about her. I just can't fully concentrate on anything 100%. Its only been 7 weeks for me and maybe things will get better but I just don't know. Hope you're doing ok, take care.

"I breathe in, I breathe out, I put one foot in front of the other" - not sure what the rest of the lyrics are, but that sure captures how I'm coping. You know, yes - it's killing us to be without our girls, BUT I won't change a thing about how I build my life around my dog! My next dog will be as loved and as spoiled as Callie was! I got Callie to have someone to spoil and that's judy what I'll do with the next. Dogs deserve that! I'm glad you have gotten another pup to spoil too! Don't hold it against her that she isn't Keesha, she doesn't have to be! Just love her and enjoy her. I'm looking forward to when I will be able to do that too.

Hey Keesha, its 8 weeks today. I can't believe we've been apart from each other for that long. It really sucks! I miss you so much. I just wish this was a bad dream and I could wake up and you'd be back with me. I talk to you everyday I just hope you can hear me.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately-about the last couple months of your life. Did you have the cancer for a few months and were you hiding the pain from me? Some symptoms of bone cancer are loss of appetite, loss of weight, less physical activity than normal, lameness, etc.. You would always lick the milk left from my cereal in the morning but two or three times a week for the last month or so you wanted no part of it. You started eating less in general. Your last visit to the vet you weighed in at 51 pounds as opposed to your usual 60 lbs or so. You wanted to sleep a lot more than ever as opposed to playing around. You still loved your walks but you tired easily and we had to start cutting them short. After laying down it started to become difficult for you to get back up. I guess I just chalked this stuff up to you getting older but the cancer probably played a role as well. You were a tough girl though as you didn't want us to know anything was wrong with you did you?

If you didn't break your leg that Sunday night we still wouldn't have had any idea you had cancer. But the cancer was what caused the break so I guess it was inevitable. I just hope you weren't suffering much. It killed me to see the pain you were in the couple days we had to wait to get you into surgery for your leg....unfortunately you never got the chance to come out of the surgery. I had to make that gut wrenching decision to let you go when they found the cancer. I still second guess myself some thinking I should have had them amputate and bring you back home even if it would have been for a short time and probably painful for you. I think you would have wanted it that way but it just wouldn't have been fair to you Keesh. You would have suffered from that awful disease and I just couldn't put you through that- I hope you understand and forgive me for ending your life. I hope you knew how much i loved you and that i always did everything in my power to help and protect you. Sorry I wasn't with you at the end and that I didn't get to say good-bye-that will always bother me. I pray everyday that I will get to see you again one day.....see you baby girl, I love you!

A very beautiful letter to Keesha. I'm sure she understands that you did what you had to do because you loved her too much to do any less. It's so hard, having to make "that" decision, believe me I know, but I just keep telling myself that even though Callie would have come home with me and suffered for me just to be with me, that I couldn't let her do it. You couldn't let Keesha either.