My story is long so please bare with me. I rescued my dog, Roman from the highway in May of 2004. He had ticks and fleas all over him. I found him in my home town visiting my mother. I took him to the police station and they said more than likey the animal control would put him to sleep. He became my dog that day!! I brought him to OKC where I live and took him to the vet to get him cleaned up and looked at. He had 2 tick blood diseases from being out on his own for so long. There were ticks all over him even between his toes. They gave antibiotics and we got started on heart worm prevention. They guessed he was 2 years old by looking at his teeth. They also determined he was half black lab and half ##er spaniel. He is sooooo cute. He weighed only 30 pounds when I found him and before he passed he was at least 55 pounds where he should be. I brought him home and he became the best dog, best friend anyone could ask for. I was coming out of a terrible relationship and felt broken. I feel like Roman and I were both broken and we put each other back together again. He was my shadow. I believe when you rescue a dog they know how lucky they are to have a home. He was so loyal and loving. Never once did he have an accident in the house. He only growled and barked when someone was around the house. Protecting me like only Roman could. (I named him Roman because he was roaming around when I found him....lol!) I got married in Nov 2005 to a wonderful man that Roman became to love just as much as I did. We discussed starting a family even tho Roman was our son and we treated him like he was. I became pregnant in late March of 2008. I found out I was excpecting twins. We were overjoyed and hoped Roman would love them as much as we would when they came. I ended up having some complications in my pregnancy and had to be on bed rest for 4 months before I delivered in Nov 08. Roman was at my side day and night. He slept with my husband and I anyway but, when I went on bedrest he would not leave my side except to go do his business outside. I know he knew I was pregnant! Fast forward to the babies coming home. I had a boy and a girl. My son had colic for the first 2 months and cried all the time. It drove us all crazy and I think it really made Roman nuts. He still cries but not as much as before. Roman has been fine and in good health I thought. We started our daily walks back up last week. He was fine. He did not show any sign of being sick. I woke up at 7am on 2/11 and Roman as usual was on our bed. I got up and went to the babies room and came back into the hall and saw Roman's legs buckle under neath him and he collapsed. He was dead instantly. I still have NO idea what happened. I was screaming my head off and begging God to not take him. I called my vet and they said it was more than likely a heart attack or a brain aneurysm. They asked if I wanted an autopsy and I said no. I did not want him cut open. I pulled myself together enough to find a pet cementary and that is where he is. We got a beautiful casket. I cannot understand WHY this happened. He was fine. The only thing I can think of is the night before we had some terrible weather and tornadoes. He hated storms and always hid and shook all over. I feel so much guilt that I could not comfort him like I wanted to. I have 2 babies to take care of and Roman always seemed to be third. I feel sooooo guilty right now. I now he hated the babies crying. He was my first child and he was spoiled. I know he was sad that he was not first anymore. It makes no sense to me that this has happened. Why so soon after the babies came home. I was so looking forward to them growing up with him. He was my world. I have become so depressed that my mom has taken off work to come here to help me with the babies. I do not feel like doing anything. I see and think I hear Roman all over the house. I am still in shock and I have been wearing his collar around my wrist. I cannot quit crying. I have read alot of the posts on this board and they have been so comforting. I hope I can come here and feel some sort of peace and comfort from all of you and try to put my life back together again. I just started a new normal with the babies and now I have to find another new normal without my Roman. It is too much too soon. I feel so overwhelmed. I miss my Roman dearly and just want him to come back home. Thank you for listening to my story.

I feel so overwhelmed.

It has been less than a week when everything happened. Of course, you feel overwhelmed. That is exactly what happens when everything is so fresh. It is a feeling of overwhelming devastation and it is normal to feel that way.

I am so sorry about your loss. That is such a sweet picture of your boy and his toys. I can see why you miss him so. When such a loss comes so unexpectedly....it is even more devastating. I went through that with my boy, Little Guy, whose emergency came out of the blue. You had no clue of what was going to happen.

Your story of rescuing him was so sweet. If the vet thought he was about 2 years old at the time, I assume he was about 4 or 5 right now......young enough that we can't conceive of losing them at that age..so it comes as a shock. It sounds as though he went very quickly without suffering, and without you having to make the final decision we all dread when something goes wrong with our loved ones.

He was such a part of your life and he still is with you because his spirit now lives in your heart and his memories and love can never be taken away. It is the absence of the physical presence that hurts so very very much. We want to talk to them and hug them again and again.

It takes time for things to become more bearable. Eventually for me, I adopted a rescue cat so I could have that furbaby galloping through my home. He is not my boy but he needs a home and has love to give and deserves to be loved in return. If I can't have my boy back, my new one helps the physical longing I feel. I have pictures of my boy everywhere and that helps me also. I can tell him I am sorry it was his time to go but I am glad he is not suffering.

It's like a part of you is missing. And you don't know how to fill that emptiness. You have your husband and your new twins, and for some reason, it was Roman's time to leave. That's what I call the cruelty of life. But I feel there is a time these friends have to leave us, we don't know when, but when it comes....we will have no control over it...we can't stop it. All we can do is be grateful for whatever time we had with them. If it is not their time...then the vet has an answer for us and it works and we have more time. That's the only way it all makes sense to me.

One "Mom" here said something that helps me and has helped others to think about: She said:
The pain of losing him will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing him.

I hope that thought gives you some peace inside. This is not a grief we get over quickly but we deal with it one day at a time. We do what makes us feel better to do. If it is cry, we cry. If it is venting, we vent (usually by coming here and writing our thoughts and feelings).

Hugs to you and your family. You are not alone in your grief. We here all share the same pain and that is why we understand how you feel. We can only let you know what has helped each of us in our own way and maybe something that is said...will help you too.

Your boy is an Angel now and so he can watch over you and your family...24/7. Cause
that's what Angels do.

Judy

oh gosh I'm so sorry for your loss. Reading your post made me cry. It must be so hard for you. There is nothing like that feeling of shock along with grief when they are gone so suddenly.
We lost our Jack suddenly too and the grief you feel is quite horrific.

But please stop feeling guilty if you can. From what you have written, you gave Roman the best life ever. I don't think anyone else could have loved him more. When you have a baby (or 2 in your case!) you have to put them first. Babies are far more dependent on us than pets and we have to meet their needs or they won't survive! What else could you do but put them first. It seems very clear that whilst doing that, you still made sure that Roman was loved and cared for. I know so many people who have totally forgotten about their pets once children came along and you clearly did not do this. Its so obvious from your post how much you loved him.

The problem is, no matter what we did, it is normal to feel guilt when we lose them. Its all part of grieving I think. When we lost Jack I felt tremendous guilt that I had been so stressed at work and not even spoken to him that morning. And I felt guilt that for years we had suffered infertility and I had been consumed by this instead of being grateful to have my first baby, Jack my dog.
But when I calmed down a bit I remembered how shortly before he died when I was stressed out, I said to him "Thank god for you Jack, what would I do without you" And I knew he knew how much I loved him.
These moments will come back to you too and you will know that Roman knew what he meant to you.

He is such a beautiful dog, I love the photo. He has the kindest face.

As you said, you are still in shock. Lean on your mum for a while and get all the help you can whilst you get through this.

take care
Von

Thank You Love Them and Von 72 for replying. I am crying so hard right now. Your words mean the world to me. To know that you have other people that understand what you are going through somehow helps so much. Th thing I am struggling with so much is do you think Roman died of a broken heart because he was not #1 anymore. I know that sounds crazy but, he was adjusting like we all were to 2 new babies. I just could not stand it if he felt neglected and was hurt by that. I loved him so much and never ever thought he would go so soon. He was so scared the night before and I could not give hime the much needed attention he normally gets. I don't know. I think the babies crying all the time and the storm made him anxious. I am trying really hard not to think this way but, it just does not make sense that he would die so suddenly. He was so healthy I thought. I gave him the best dog food and hardly ever gave hime people food because I was trying to extend his life. Now I wish I would have given him steak everyday.

I am so sorry for your losses as well. I will read your posts. Thank you again for being there for me. Some people just do not get how hard this is to lose a pet. Roman was my son and a member of this family. Not everyone sees it that way.
Thank you again. I look forward to getting to know each of you.

Hi, Jules02, please permit me to offer you my sincerst sympathies in the loss of your beloved Roman. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the cir%%stances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Your emotions are running exceptionally high right now because your body is adjusting to having recently given birth to your twin babies. The sudden loss of Roman by itself is emotionally draining, but it is being compounded by other physical adjustments. I am so glad your mom is there to help you with your twins while you make this physical and emotional adjustment to your life. Unfortunately the emotion of guilt is a part of the grief journey. Hopefully in time you will come to realize that you did the very best you could for Roman at all times and in all cir%%stances. There are many things that make our furkids very special to us. One of them is their understanding the changes in family dynamics, and patiently waiting for their "turn" in the attention circle. Roman's sudden death has nothing to do with the arrival of your precious twins. Your vet's assessment of an aneurysm or heart attack will hopefully help you to understand that these happen without warning signals - - and without symptoms there would not have been any need for any tests to determine heart disease or blood clots. And even with tests there would not have been any guarantee that any sign of illness would have been discovered. I wish there were some words that I could say that would help comfort you right now, but right now it is hard for a broken heart to feel comforted by "words." The good news is that you are not in this grief healing journey alone. Each of us here understands what it is like to lose a beloved companion, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Perhaps at some point in time you will want to do a memorial for Roman - - like a scrapbook or a garden or a service - - or a donation to the local humane society to honor Roman's memory. And hopefully in time you will come to know that Roman's sweet living Spirit is still with you - - that your relationship with him has only temporarily changed to a different dimension. Jules02, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

What a beautiful dog. You and Roman were so lucky to have found each other.
I too live in Ok and those were some pretty ugly storms. My cats did not like the weather last week either.

The pain is still really fresh right now. It is gonna take time. You had a long time together so you can't expect to be better overnight. Sounds like you took care of each of. Bet you have lots of good memories. Maybe someday when you feel like it you can share more with us.

Cry and vent all you want. It is part of this ugly healing process you have to go through.
Glad you found this sight. It has helped me so much!!!!!

Hugs to you and you Angel Roman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I absolutely love your new picture of Roman. What a handsome, handsome boy.

you said:
The thing I am struggling with so much is do you think Roman died of a broken heart because he was not #1 anymore.

I would say most definitely, the answer to that question is NO. I am positive.

And if you wonder how I can be positive, my answer is because Roman would never ever have felt he was not #1 because that's what "unconditional love" is all about. When you are loved as these babies love.....there can't be any negative thoughts in their minds because that kind of love doesn't even recognize such a thing. They only love....they are incapable of judging..unlike humans do.

I remember in your story you said: I was coming out of a terrible relationship and felt broken. I feel like Roman and I were both broken and we put each other back together again.

Sounds like you and he found each other at the right time in your lives and that created a special permanent bond that can never be broken.

As far as being #1 or not, I'll tell you a secret thought I have about these babies: I always have gotten the impression that no matter what is going on, they all really believe they are all #1 all the time, probably because they know how cute they are..and irresistible.

Your boy absolutely always felt love in your home. He may have had a weak heart or a blood clot as the doctor said...something you would not have known about.

I am so sorry about his loss. We truly want these sweethearts and best friends always for a lot longer than their time allows. And so, we are grateful they were a part of our lives, for we can't imagine how things would have been without them there...they complete us at the times we need that.

Take care ..... we are here and your family sounds beautiful.

Judy

I am so deeply sorry for your sudden loss of Roman. I also have to agree with Judy that Roman did not die of a broken heart. He was very much loved and knew it. Don't blame yourself over the cir%%stances. Roman had unforseen health issues that no one could ever know about. These things also happens to us humans too. You gave him the best life which is all you and Roman could ever want.
The emptiness is so very hard. And wanting him to grow up with your children, never knowing the joy he would bring them, again very hard. But you were given a special gift of his love to hold onto forever. Roman will always be with you and although you didn't have him very long I'm sure you'll have lots of fun bed time stories of him to tell your children. He's so cute, I can understand taking him home even with his luggage of fleas. Please post as often as needed. I hope this site helps with your healing..Many hugs.. Ann

Thank you everyone for your replies. Moon Beam thank you so much for your words. I am sure my emotional, mental and physical health is still recuperating. I know a pet dying is never the right time but, I honestly can say this was very wrong timing for me. I am getting resentful that I cannot just go crawl into a ball in my bed and cry for 2 weeks. I have to take care of the babies and it is taking its toll on me. I just want to grieve Roman. Every morning at 7:10 am my heart just aches. He past away right in the hall by our bedroom. It makes me sad that I did not get to take him outside to do his business. I am sure he was needing to go so bad. I wanted to feed him one more time so he was full and happy before he left me. In the mornings after he would eat he would play so intensly with his "WOOBIES" that was his stuffed animals that we gave him. He had many and he just loved to chew them up. What I would give to have played with him one more time. We did indeed have a special bond that Ann talked about. I always have felt that way. He and I put each other back together again and I feel so very lost without him. I miss him so much it is excruciating. I am going to give a donation in his memory to the humane society. Thank you Moon Beam for that idea. My heart is breaking and I feel so selfish in my grief. I just want to be left alone and just cry. I love you Roman and I miss you dearly. You are my best friend and my first child. I wish I could of known their was something wrong. You were my responsiblity and I feel like I failed in keeping you healthy. I am so sorry!! I am so grateful I found this site and that you all are so kind when you are going through your own grief. I am so sorry for your losses as well. Thank you again to everyone that has responed to me. Your words mean the world to me and I hang on to every thing you say. It is helping me beyond belief.

Oh Jules, what a touching story. You must be so proud of yourself for saving Roman and giving him a loving home for the time that he was with you. I know he is thankful that you saved him and that you gave him so much love. It is awful to watch someone that we love so unconditionally be taken from us, but you have the babies now to keep you going and hopefully bring your heart some peace. My thoughts are with you Jules. Take care of yourself!

It has been 1 week to the day that my Roman has passed. I sat in the spot at the time he passed and held his picture and just cried. It is so hard to look at the spot where he took his final breath. It is in the hall right by our bedroom. I miss him so much. I am going to the cemetary later this afternoon and take some roses we bought and just visit him. I wish he was not in the cemetary so far away. I wish I could have buried him in our back yard or "Roman's Yard" as we like to call it. We will be moving soon and I could not leave him here. Please say a prayer for Roman today that he is happy and okay. I miss you Roman and mommy loves you so very much!

A week is truly "a blink of an eye". What you are doing and feeling is so very normal.

We all will send hugs and prayers to Roman. We know he is okay now. He misses you too but being an Angel, he can look down from his cloud, and watch over you and your family.
And, he is also listening to every word you say to him. His soul and spirit can never leave you.
His essence surrounds you everyday. It is in the warm feeling that fills your heart when you remember him, healthy and happy, and I'm sure, whose tail just never seemed to stop wagging, sometimes with the pink tongue hanging out...just as if they were laughing happily. Now there's a picture. You probably have one of him like that too.

Take care and write to him anytime here, and to the rest of us. Let us know how you are doing, by taking it all one day at a time.

Hugs and peace
Judy

Yes, sending your Roman and Hugs and prayers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course he is doing fine-he is at the Rainbow Bridge with all the others waiting to be re-united with us. I can just picture in my mind all the animals running playing having so much fun.

Hugs and prayers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Juleso2, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your furbaby Roman .He knows how much you love him and I am sure that he is watching over you right now from the rainbow bridge !! I know exactly how you feel we lost 2 of our furbabies last year and I will never get over the losses . I became very depressed and lost 20 kg .It has been a bit over one year since we lost Freddie in a tragic accident .I think about him and his mother (who we lost in Oct 2008) every single day. like you we miss our babies so so much it is like a piece of me died with them ! If there is any advice I could give you is that as soon as I realized that this was something I will never get over but try to move forward this was the start of the whole accepting thing ! Please come to this web site as often as you need the people on this site are wonderful wonderful souls they really do care and understand the pain you are in right now .My heart goes out to you god bless !
Hugs from Warren ******

Thank you Freddie, LoveThem, sissycat, FarleyBear, Ann, Von72 and Moon_Beam. All of your words mean a lot to me. I am trying to figure out in my head what went wrong with Roman. It will drive you crazy the what-ifs.... I wish I would have known if something was wrong with him. I have played out the day before he passed in my mind a thousand times. I know we had some terrible storms that day and he was so scared. I tried to take him out twice and he would not go that afternoon. I am so mad that I cannot even remember feeding him that evening. Even tho I am sure I did. I never forgot but, for some reason I cannot remember with all of the commotion with the tornado sirens going off all afternoon. I also have been struggling with knowing that animals hate change or atleast my expierence with pets have been that. I think Roman was trying so hard to adjust to 2 new members of the family being with us. I just have to wonder if all the changes and the storms were just too much for his little heart. He was my responsibility and I feel like I failed him big time. I should have helped him adjust to not being #1 anymore. I just hate that I had NO time to tell him goodbye and that if he could of held on a little longer things would have been better. I just keep seeing him walk past the nursery looking at me............SAYING please pet me....pay attention to me. My heart just aches. I cannot quit crying thinking he was feeling so left out. He would just look at me and turn around and walk off. I would call him to come and he would not. I hate remembering all the stuff that makes me feel like so bad. I would do anything to have all of those days back and somehow try to make the adjustment for him better. I blame myself for his death and I wish I didn't.

Jules02...
You know there is no logic to why these things happen, and there is no cause, at least that had anything to do with you. It is a terrible thing to lose someone who is loved so dearly. And worst of all , the pain can be so bad, that we lose our zest for life! I don't think there is one magic thing that can be said that will lesson any of it.

That big emptiness in your heart will not always consume your days, and I think it is almost imperceptible when the heart learns to accept what has happened. I know that death is a permanent state, but my heart still yearns for the living being who was my friend. I am not sure it helps if there are other pets living in the house-I keep missing the one who I loved most.

But there is an ac%%ulation of support and love from people at this site, and life experiences that will gradually help us deal with the emotions we feel, and help us move on from day to day. It is wrenching but cathartic to mourn. It is also comforting to hear from all those who also have as much respect and love for animals as ourselves.

I truly hope that your sorrow will become less a burden, and the memories of your lovely Roman will bring a smile instead of a tear. Please do not despair too much, for I am sure you have people close to you who can give the support and love that you need so much right now.

(I too tried to figure out what killed my child, but it only made me more heartbroken, becasue is was so incurable-metastatic cancer.)

It broke my heart to read of your handsome Roman passing so suddenly. Devastating to happen so suddenly but then again it is also devastating for them to linger.

Is it possible that he waited for the babies to arrive and stayed long enough to make sure you and the babies were OK?

I worked later than usual one night when I had a cat with cancer and she tried so hard to crawl to me from under the bed where she was struggling for breath. I knew she had waited for me even though I was late getting here. I was mad at myself for waiting too long to put her to sleep (she died in my arms 1 block from the vet's office....screaming & struggling) I grieved longer than any other pet I've lost. It was a guilty grief and I beat myself up a lot. With my recent loss I did not wait too long (in fact I foolishly wonder at times if I couldn't have done more to keep her longer) and though it is very difficult, I do know the time was here for her. I miss her & cry a many times still, but I don't have the guilt that I let her suffer for selfishly wanting to keep her with me longer.

Roman knows how much you loved him, he knows you had two babies to look after and he did not feel left out. Why do some humans die young? We don't have the answer to that either. A friend died recently at age 43 of cancer just 10 months after diagnosed. Our neighbor, 73, was fine when his daughter went to work & was dead right in the entry hall at 7 that night when she came home. He had taken the tree down & moved the furniture back in place, was dressed like he was ready to go someplace. Which way would I prefer to go? Like the neighbor and your wondrful Roman..... quickly, without suffering.

Don't feel guilty, remember the good times with Roman and be grateful he did not suffer. Quick is hard for you..... but not for Roman. Slow would be hard for both of you.

Roman wants you to concentrate on the babies now..... he's OK and watching over you all.

Thank you Flossie's Mom. My best friend said the same thing to me. I know if this had happened while I was pregnant I may have gone into labor a lot earlier and had some serious complications. I have thought of all of this. I guess sometimes we just beat ourselves up because death is hard to deal with and we never want to see our loved ones go. Thanks for reminding me of this. I have got to quit obsessing on the negative. I even called my vet again today and talked with him in detail. Roman had his annual exam in August 08. He looked over everything again for me today and said all blood work was excellent except for his tick blood diseases. Roman was up to date on every shot and everything. I guess I was still looking to blame myself for his death. The vet put my mind to rest and said there was some underlying problem he had that no one could forsee. I am trying to get this through my head and try to let it go and just be happy for all the good times we had with Roman. Thank you for sharing your story with me as well. It is best to let go of the what ifs and just be happy that we had these beautiful animals in our life and your right I would want to go quickly. I just wish I would of had a little more time with that wonderful dog!

Hi Jules, Right now this is the hardest part. Still so fresh. I understand so much of what your going thru. There are so many here, myself included who wish we could have changed something, anything to avoid what lied ahead. For me, I keep thinking if only I changed my routine for 1min that day, perhaps Arthur's routine would have changed and he would not have gotten hurt. My friend has been doing some business with the neighbor and has taken a liking to him, but I can't help but think, and I don't know why, that he is the one that hurt my baby. If true, I know it was an accident and he probably wasn't even aware of it, but I'm trying to stop beating myself up over it. It happened, he's gone.
As for wishing you could have spent more time with Roman, it's never enough when we love them so much. It's the time we DID get to spend is what we should be so gratful for. We'll miss them forever for sure. Take care.. Hugs.. Ann

Thank You Ann for your kind words. I will miss him forever and I am having a really hard day today. I miss my Roman sleeping with me at night. Night time is the hardest. It was the time when I put the babies down to sleep and I would go to my bed and Roman would follow and I would hug him and kiss on him and go to sleep. It was one of the few times of the day he would have my full attention since the babies have arrived. I love you Roman and I miss you so very much.

Hi, Jules02, I am just being able to get caught up on your posts. I wish to add my support to what others have already shared with you - - Roman did not die because you neglected him. Roman did not die because you now have two precious human babies in your household. Roman died suddenly because of a very sudden medical event that happens to people, too. And as Ann has so eloquently shared with you, there is NEVER enough time with our beloved companions on this side of eternity - - we will always want just one more minute, one more hour, one more day - - one more lifetime with them. Unfortunately they, too, have physical bodies that are subject to the same medical challenges that human bodies are. Guilt is a stage of grief that we ALL go through as a result of a loss - - it is a very painful stage to process and move beyond. For whatever it is worth to you, clinical studies have proven that the brain "saves" the memory of a traumatic event and then "replays" that traumatic event over and over again. The more traumatic the "event" is the more the brain will "replay" the event. Witnessing your beloved Roman's death was a very traumatic event for you. The memory of where he died also is part of the trauma. It is a "vision" that your brain has not yet processed and is therefore not allowing you to emotionally begin the healing journey of losing Roman's sweet physical presence with you. There are some things you can try to physically change the area where Roman died that may help you to focus differently. For instance, can you place a table in the hallway in the vicinity where Roman died and cover it with a table cloth that will let your eyes and mind focus on the design of the table cloth - - maybe put a vase of dried flowers - - or fresh flowers - - on the table. Or - - could you hang a picture on the wall that will draw your attention away from the floor and spot where Roman died and have you focus on something "pleasing" to the brain. I know this may sound off the wall, but it is a matter of re-training your brain to stop "playing" the traumatic event of Roman's death. This is a technique that is used with PTSD and Survivor's Guilt patients - - I know from first-hand experience from being in an automobile collision several years ago that permanently changed my life physically and emotionally, and caused the death of my mom. And I totally agree with Flossie's Mom - - Roman wants you to focus your energies on your precious twins and be happy with them. I know this is going to take time for you to understand but I will say it just the same: Roman's sweet living Spirit is still with you -- he has not left you. You will always have his sweet Spirit in your heart and your memories, and this can never be taken away from you. His legacy to you is to focus on taking care of your human family now which you can do freely without having any guilt or sorrow. His sweet precious Spirit is right beside you helping you with your twins and sharing everything that is taking place in his family - - for you will always and forever be his family. Jules, I hope what I have shared with you will be helpful to you in some way. This grief heaing journey is both physically and emotionally painful, but hopefully by now you know you are not alone. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Your Roman reminds me so much of my dear Mack, who died of cancer Sept 2, 2006. Mack didn't die quite as suddenly as Roman, but he only lived a week after we had a confirmed diagnosis. I kept asking myself where was I and what was I doing when this evil thing crept into my house to steal my treasured boy. But Mack's cancer was caused by a genetic mutation... it came into my house with him...if anything the care and love we gave him may have delayed the expression of it, and prolonged his life. And so you know it was with your Roman...the glossiness of his coat shows how loved and cared for he was. It shows in his eyes.


I miss Mack every day, and sometimes his pictures bring back a memory so tender and sweet that it takes my breath away...and tears follow. But they double my determination to go on in strength, because from the moment we met every breath he drew was for me, and his sister Birga who is still with me at 12. You and your healthy babies are sweet Romans legacy. I know he is watching over you with love and pride.


Thoughts and prayers,
Dayna

Joanne,
Thank you for saying that I extended his life. I am starting to feel better every day. I still have my days when I cry my eyes out but, I do feel his presence and I somehow feel peace when I do. I loved him so much and my heart will be broken for a long time. I will indeed pick up this book. I bought several books to help me through this time. I am currently reading Cold noses at the Pearly Gates!

Thank you for your words!

Moon_Beam,

Thank you for sharing your knowledge on survivor guilt. I am very sorry about the automobile accident and your mom. Did that happen recently? I know that was not an easy thing to go through and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

I do feel Roman's presence with me. It is weird. I do feel some peace. I still cry and miss him so very much but, I feel him here in this house and even thought I heard him last night walking up the stairs. I know that sounds crazy but, it makes me feel better to think that just maybe Roman's spirit is here. I cannot do anything where Roman passed in the hall. It simply is right in the middle and I could not put a table or anything there. You know I was thinking that I am starting to think that he waited for me to come around the corner to see him before he left us. I do not know what I would have done had I not seen him collapse. If I would have came even a sec later I would never have known what had happened to him and that would have haunted me more NOT knowing. I hope that makes sense. I would have gone crazy wondering how long he had been there even if it was minutes.......but, seeing it as traumatic as it was I know he died quickly and was in no pain.

myhrtisbrkn,
Thank you for saying it showed how much he was loved and cared for. You have made me really think about how much Roman looked after me and the babies when I was pregnant. He was at my side the whole way when I was on bedrest 4 months. He was my protector and gave me so much company and strength to get through that lonely time. I am crying now just thinking how the babies are his legacy. He was so special and we had such a unique bond. I still talk to him daily like I used to and I hope he hears me. I am going to miss the spring when we took so many walks. I am crying so hard right now. I loved him so much and I miss him terribly. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since he passed. I miss you Roman and I hope you are okay. I pray for you every night. Mommy loves you!

I still talk to him daily like I used to and I hope he hears me. I am going to miss the spring when we took so many walks. I am crying so hard right now. I loved him so much and I miss him terribly. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since he passed. I miss you Roman and I hope you are okay. I pray for you every night. Mommy loves you!


Roman hears every word you say to him. That is because he is such a part of you, he really can never truly leave you. He is in your heart and his essence surrounds you and your family each and every day. Only the physical can be taken away from us. The bond of love between us and our special ones cannot be broken by any power. I talk to my boy and look in his eyes in his pictures and feel a connection when I do so.

2 weeks is such a very short time for a loss to even become bearable. It takes a lot of time but we can help it along by remembering the good times and be thankful they became a part of our lives and lived in our home and now always of course live in our hearts.

When you walk in the Spring I could believe Roman is still walking beside you because I feel he is so much a part of you that he will always be with you...wherever you are.

He is okay. He is without illness, without pain. Although with the kind of love these sweethearts give us, we know they would gladly go through all that to be with us again...such is the kind of love they have.

I read about the nights being the hardest. Try to sleep imagining he is lying down not very far away from you...but feel his love and his spirit...and know he is watching over you all the time but especially at night still sharing that special time with you. He will always be with you.
And, he is listening to every word you say. Angels may not be able to speak to us but I am sure they can hear us.

Hugs to you and your family...and your special Angel...Roman
Your pictures of him are truly precious.

Judy

Oh does my heart break for you, I just had to have my rottie put down on sunday night, as he busted out both knees in his back legs, they say it was a freak accident, but my god I cant stand it, I cant stop crying, cant sleep, hardly eat, and I want him back! My entire person hurts! My Jasper was not what everyone thinks of when they hear rottie, he was the biggest lap dog you can imagaine, he would give you a kiss and rub noses with you, and if you didnt do the nose rub, look out cuz you would constantly be being kissed, and what I would give right now to ignore that nose rub and be kissed to death!
I have been searching for a chat room on pet loss but cant find one. And it really dont seem anyone understands what I am going thur! While he wasnt a rescue, or a found puppy, I paid alot of money for him, and to be told even if they did the surgery on both legs, I would have to keep him in one area, and not let him move for weeks, and even then they could not guarntee he would ever have use of those legs again, and recommended if I did do this to be living in a ranch type house with no steps. Well I dont. And to make things even worse, I didnt lie when I called off work on monday, I actually told the truth, and after picking my baby up to take to get cremated so I could always have him near me, Imy job called and fired me as that was not a valid reason to call off work! Only death of a family member! DUH-what do they think he was!
Anyway, I am very sorry and I can feel your pain, and sorrow, I hope my Jasper is up in heaven playing with your baby!
Hugs and Kisses, Rottiemum

JackJackBoJack, LoveThem....

Thank you so much for always saying the right thing to pull me through another day. Roman is missed so much and I still see him everwhere in this house. I think I am doing better and WHAM something will bring me to my knees again.....a memory that makes me so sad. I know someday those memories will make me smile and be happy that I had Roman in my life, but for now all it does is make me sooooo sad. I hate going in my back yard.....I still have his favorite blanket in my car when I would take him for rides. I cannot even think about taking it out. I miss you Roman and I love you very much!!!

I still have his favorite blanket in my car when I would take him for rides. I cannot even think about taking it out.

I still have my Little Guy's favorite blanket on my living room couch and even though it has been over a year....I can't think about putting it away.

We see when we lose such special ones...that there are so many things we all think alike about.
That's probably because our love and our pain is so much alike also.

Take care and I am glad you are coming here and it is helping you.

Hugs,
Judy

It will be 3 weeks tomorow that Roman passed away. Wednesday is always so hard for me. I am so dreading waking up and seeing the place in the hall where he collapsed. I miss him so much and it hurts so bad. Mommy misses you so much Roman. I have not even been able to go on any walks without you. I cannot even go in the backyard yet. I see you everywhere and my heart just breaks. I think about you everyday. I love you with all my heart!!

OK...I am having one of the hardest days so far today. I thought I was doing better and WHAM I have not been able to quit crying today. I think I am just so pre-occupied with babies that I have tried to put it out of my mind. I guess I am in the denial stage. I miss him so much. My heart i just breaking. When does this pain subside? I have lost many close friends and family members and this hurts more than that. I think I am doing better and then I cry all day.........We took the batteries out of our doorbell because I just could not stand that Roman was not here to bark and growl at whoever was at the door. He LOVED it when that thing rang.......I miss you Roman and I think about you every minute of the day. I wish you were here........

Very, very normal feelings. My boy has been gone over a year and yet I can have a "breakdown" day. Time does help to make us feel more in control and basically we are but then..wham....we get overwhelmed with feelings of missing our boys and some days it seems like so many things remind us of them...and that adds to feeling overwhelmed. Yes, you will have hard days but as you said...there are times you began to feel more in control. Again...all normal feelings and thoughts.

When does the pain subside? It can't do so completely because we will always love them and miss them and that causes the pain. It is just that in time...it is pushed into the back of our minds and we think of the fun times we had with them...when they were healthy...those very special days that we never want to forget. And so, the pain becomes less intense and does not take over our days and nights like it does in the beginning.

They would always want us to celebrate their life with us because there were so many happy times there and because they are so full of that special unconditional love...they are happy when we are happy.

If we cried, they would want to lick away the tears.....and...we would let them.

But when they see us smiling....their world lights up...and in Roman's case....there would be the distinct sound of a tail thumping. (My Little Guy being a cat..had a big tail..but it doesn't thump..not like doggies do (not like my doggies did)).

Why does it hurt so much more than losing a family member or a friend? Maybe because these babies are the only ones in our lives that ALWAYS loved us for who we are, never judged anything about us, and there were no conditions at all..attached to their love for us. Humans cannot do that. So such a loss is hard to compare to a human loss.

I have a postcard on my wall of a dog lying in a chair and a kitten lying next to him with its paws kind of hugging the dog and it says simply..

" A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same."

That's why it hurts so much...for all of us.
Hugs.....you will be okay...but cry anytime you feel like it, it is an okay thing to do.

Judy

Judy,
Thank you for replying and always saying the right thing to make so many of us feel better. You are truly appreciated for all your kindness.
I am having a breakdown day for sure. It started out with me consumed of thinking of Roman and then my husband went to dinner with friends tonight and I realized this is the first time I am here alone with the babies and Roman is not here. He always kept me company. The house feels so empty without him in it. I still am sleeping with his collar......I am sure that sounds strange but, it gives me comfort and it still smells like him....once again probably sounds strange. He gave me so much happiness and I hope he was happy here. I am visiting him tomorrow and maybe that will make me feel a little closer to him.

When we are grieving for these sweethearts...........NOTHING can possibly sound strange.

Whatever makes us feel better is the right thing to do for us and there is no judging about what makes us feel better.

Hugs,
Judy

Hi Judy,
Thank you always for your words. You always make me feel better. I went through my first thunderstorm without Roman last night. I always tried to comfort him and he always alerted us when bad weather was approaching. I was so sad last night. He would be under my feet the whole time. It made me want to go to his grave and tell him everything would be okay. I just wanted to be with him. Tomorrow will be a hard day. It will be a month to the day that he passed. I hate Wednesday's now. It is so hard because he collapsed right outside our bedroom. I miss you Roman and I love you very much!! Mommy thinks about you every minute of every day!!

Julie

Hi Julie,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I am grateful you were at the right place at the right time to save Roman. You gave him a wonderful home and he was lucky to have you. Just try to remember the good times and try not to do the "what if's", as we all do. There wasn't anything you could have done differently and one day hopefully you will realize this. I too try to &%^ize things when there really isn't a answer. I still do it over the loss of my Casey in November to Cancer, my husband just told me the other day, no matter how much I think about it there just wasn't anything we could have done. I just want to make sense of it all.

Karen

My "day" is Monday if I allow myself to remember. My boy's collapse was dragging himself into our living room at 3 in the afternoon. I put it out of my mind as much as possible because it doesn't make me feel any better to remember. There is nothing more we could have done. There is nothing more you could have done.

It was their time to leave us and that simply hurts so very much, it is hard not to think about what happened....but whenever we can, we should remember the times we loved to be together.
I know what you mean about thunderstorms. There are so many things we have to remind us of our very best friends. The healing begins as we concentrate on the happy moments...those are the ones they would want us to remember..and so...we try. Sometimes we fall back into tears..but then again...we will try.

Hugs,
Judy

How are you doing, Julie?

One big cyber-hug being sent right now!

Judy

Hi everyone. I just wanted to check in and say Hi. Thank you Judy for keeping up with my thread. I am having a really hard day today. I have been really sad and crying all day and missing my Roman. I have my good days and my bad days and this one has been hard. The babies take up all my time and I feel like I had to put away all my sadness for Roman. Then it just comes pouring out when you least expect it. I miss him so much. Spring and summer will be very hard around here. I miss walking with him so much. I have not been on one walk yet since he passed. I love and miss you Roman!!!

dear Julie
i had to start a new thread tonight, about my beloved cat Jim.
so i got to know your wonderful lovestory with Roman.
what a beautiful soul
what a beautiful dog
i love his photos, i can see all his love for you in his eyes.
feeling with you
Eva

Thank you Judy for keeping up with my thread. I am having a really hard day today. I have been really sad and crying all day and missing my Roman. I have my good days and my bad days and this one has been hard.


You are very welcome....I do check in on you when I can. Those "really hard days" are very natural and normal. No matter how much time has passed....we will still have one of those days from time to time....when it happens..remember it is okay and let yourself go..go ahead and cry..let your tears help wash away the sadness. I could even believe that as you cry your Roman is there ...licking away your tears with special Angel kisses. I know my dogs always looked more upset than I felt whenever they saw me cry. I think "it's a dog thing". A special thing.

Your babies being a distraction is such a blessing....I find distractions help me...it is hard for me to grieve and cry at the same time I have things to do and take care of.

Do you have a dog tag or a small picture of Roman you can carry with you when you decide to take a walk? It is a way of having him be with you...of "touching" him as you walk and talk to him.

He really is there beside you...his spirit and personality can never leave you...he is and always will be as much a part of you as your very breathing. I know it feels good and special to have something to hold that makes you feel they are so very close by.

You will be okay. It is a very hard thing to go through but we know they are worth everything...just to have had them in our lives and love us...and are there for us to love...as time permits.

Hugs to you and your family....and your special Angel...Roman

Judy

I am very sorry for your lost. Roman had a loving family and he loved every moment he had with you. There was a reason you where there that day to pick him up from the street, there was a reason he was called home. We don't understand why, but there is a reason why it happens.
I could tell you the sadness it will go away , but it might not. He is as much a part of "your" life then anything that will cross your path threw life. He was there for a reason, so where you. I also lost part of my life and it is a struggle to make it threw a day without think of her, but it will always be part of who I am, and he will be a part of you that make you,, you. He was loved my a stranger and he went somewhere to return the favor to someone else. He's happy, no more pain, no more suffering. He plays all day and is always thinking about that kind soul who helped him and love him the short time he had there. Don't be afraid to love him again and again in your memories. He feels the love where he is now.
I hope peace finds you soon..
George

I have been following your story (and the beautiful photos of Roman) and I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. I have been having one of those days today myself. I lost my sweet Doberman Austin on May 18th. I will be honest, the entire first week I survived on coffee and xanax! Now I save the Xanax for only the really bad days or sleepless nights. Most days I get through work okay, it's when i come home and he is not here that my heart breaks all over again. As with Roman, Austin seemed fine and was playing ball with my husband when he suddenly sighed, layed down and was gone. i was not home and I while keep hearing his awful phone call in my head over and over, he lives with the horror of seeing it again and again in his memory. I am normally a bubbly, outgoing and chatty person and right now even when i am not crying I do not feel like talking to friends or even doing any of the things I used to love to do. I am aware that these can be signs of depression. Right now I feel it is normal grief but I do plan to keep an eye on these issues. We just came back from a vacation with friends, which if it had not already been paid for I would have cancelled. Needless to say. I wasn't the best traveling companion but fortunately the friends we were with are also a childless couple who dote on their golden retriever - so they get it. Hopefully the good days will soon outnumber the bad ones, but until then remember that there are many of us out here who understand and care what you are going through. This website has been a blessing since I lost my baby boy.

Iam so sorry for your loss.... Roman was so lucky to have you as his Mom...Iam sure he loved you dearly ....You saved his life...You fed, him loved him, gave him shelter...You my dear are a doggie angel....I have a dog that I have been fighting to save for the past two years, but my snow Angel is losing the battle..She has been with me 12 years.. My vet says I must put her down....Iam consumed with grief, she is my best friend... Now I must choose when to end her life to ease her suffering.... I don't think Roman suffered and he new you loved him and did not abandon him..... You will grieve because of your love for him... but in time when you think of him,instead of tears, you will smile, remembering what a good dog he was and the good times you had.....I...am about to lose my fur baby and I have lost others...I know how you feel and I feel your pain....Don't feel guilty. Roman had good years because of you.... GOD BLESS

Thank you to all of you for your kind replies. I have not been on in a while. I have been reading posts and I am so sorry for everyones losses. It has been 6 months to the day I lost Roman. I still miss him everyday. Life goes on of course no matter how you feel. I wish I could say it has been easier but, it hasn't. I constantly wish the babies could have met Roman. He was my first son. Roman taught me how to be a mom. My heart still aches for him so much. I love and miss you Roman and think of you everyday!!

jules02 that is exactly my story too, your words describe just how you feel, firts baby thing.
you are in my prayers
elaine

Your story has some common things that I can understand, I also found my dog Ceaser abandoned and took him home instantly....long story short....I also went through some relationship issues and he was there for me...when things got better and I had my first Son...Ceaser was there and I also looked forward to see them grow....together. I also felt very guilty because I couldn't spend as much quality time with Ceaser the last 6 months because Cale was such a handful...I tried but it wasn't as much as before. Our stories are not the same and th circumstances are very different but I can relate to the feelings of wanting the dog to be there with a new baby and wanting them to grow together and the guilt of not spending as much time with the dog due to taking care of the babies...

At least he died quickly and he didn't suffer too much...My dog went through a day and a half of suffering and I feel so guilty over it...but I will talk about that later...I feel very sorry for your loss and can totally understand the pain you are going through......losing a dog is very very hard! They are not just a dog they are a family member and a soul friend!!

It is awful and it will take a while since I am not over it at all!! But do no feel guilty, Roman knows your heart!!

I am so sorry for your loss. I just lost my Magnus last Friday, August 7, and the last few days have been the worst of my life. He was with me for over 14 years, through my marriage and the birth of both of my kids. I got him when I graduated from college, and I feel like we grew up, in the adult sense, together.

Reading replies on this board, though, has been comforting because I've been able to see that there are so many of us who've felt that pain. I've found this to be really important because not everyone around us is lucky enough to have a pet and form that special bond, so they can't sympathize or empathize with what it's like to lose this type of love.

I suppose we can cry together in between laughing at the good times and just feeling generally sad. Please take care.

It has been 6 months to the day I lost Roman. I still miss him everyday. Life goes on of course no matter how you feel. I wish I could say it has been easier but, it hasn't. I constantly wish the babies could have met Roman. He was my first son. Roman taught me how to be a mom. My heart still aches for him so much. I love and miss you Roman and think of you everyday!!

We have been together since you first came here and you know I am thinking of you often.
All you said above is so very normal and yes, it doesn't seem easier until more time has passed. Six months is not very long. All those feelings will never go away...aching..loving..missing..because Roman is that much a part of you.

When you feel down and miss him so terribly.....try to think of some happy times together and feel in your heart how much it means to you to have had him as part of your life.
I find doing that helps the ache. I am so sorry it was his time. I wish, too, your babies could have known him. I can never understand why they have to go when they do.

It is still early in your grieving so all your feelings are very normal...it is normal to still feel that hurt almost as much as when it happened. Time will help so you don't feel overwhelmed but there will always be times when he comes into your mind and you remember something and it is okay to allow yourself to cry and grieve again...no matter how much time has passed. He is your boy and always will be. What you and he shared, nothing can ever take away.

The only comfort I can offer you is just a BIG HUG! I can easily share hugs and tears with you, cause I think of my boy often also.

Take Care, Julie

Judy

I replied to this letter but cannot see it here at all...what happened to it??

I stated in my respond that I am very sorry for your loss...I know the feeling!
First I can relate to the having a child part and not have spent enough time with your dog and feeling guilty...I have that too....all the ifs and what if...
I also understand the feelings of having a soul friend who you rescued and felt that you rescued each other emotionally....and that the dog came into your life at the right time....I also know how it feels like to have gone through relationship issues at the same time and having the dog with you during those challenging moments in your life.

I have a different but yet similar emotional story that you can read about at http://ceaserthings.blogspot.com
Let me know what you think....I really also feel guilty of not being there for Ceaser the last 6 months before he passed, I was so busy with my son who was a a year and a half at the time and it was difficult...I wasn't able to have the type of quality time spent with him like we used to before.
But do not beat yourself up everyday I mean...I realized that I gave him the best years and we spent a great time together and we have to give ourselves credit, for if it wasn't for us they would not even had made it out of the shelter or street...if you had a real connection you will know that the dog knows that as well; and is very thankful for your time you had with him.
It takes a long time to realize this, and I still have a hard time thinking about Ceaser sometimes...and what I am telling you now..goes out the window...
So...it is ok to mourn and feel sad....scrapbooking and writing helps...you have received very good support here...I didn't get nearly as much support when telling my story so you are blessed and lucky...maybe it is because my dog only had 3 legs?? I have met...a wonderful friend here and I am very lucky to have met her and it makes coming to this support group all worth it for me because of her and I also like to read other stories of people with similar experiences.
It helps to know that you are NOT the only one!!!
hang in there..............
things