(Joanne)


(Mage's Mamma)

For over a year after my loss, I would go off by myself in the middle of nowhere and cry my eyes out over my mistakes with my soulmate Yukon. Alone but feeling him so close in my own heart, I would beg him to forgive me, I would ask him over and over how I could have done so wrong, why didn't l allow him to sufffer through all he had to , why did I prefer to put him out of his misery instead of keeping for as long as possible, why why why I kept asking him. I will always be grateful for what may have been a telepathic answer from him, and this is what he may have told me: That he didn't know himself what would have been, that even God can not know what might otherwise have been , yet he confessed that he would have wanted to go through it rather than be protected from an unhappy end of life, as this is what I tried to do, with the best intentions towards him. We can not know we can only do our best , we will never know what may have been as opposed to what was and whether it would have been worse or better.


Furkidlets's Mom

FK are you sure you are not a real cat, your insight is so well honed in, it's purrfectly feline!

Yes, Wendi, you sound so much like me, as does the way you process things, it's uncanny, and comforting to me. You might want to get that cup of tea NOW, before you sit down to read.

Even though I have a husband, like you, the quiet and ever so loving times I had with my girl were ONLY about her and I, and my heart would nearly explode in my chest with the palpable flow of love between the two of us. It could make me literally cry with both the heavenly beauty of it, and the terror that lay behind it, knowing that someday I'd have to give her physical presence up, no matter when that might be. She and her love for me, so tender, so huge, was a shield for me, too, from the world's harshness....from the jagged edges of too many ugly people and the things they did. She was my refuge. And like you, I covered Nissa in kisses, too, and she loved it, just as Sabin had as well. Our love was so complete, I could kiss either one of them anywhere, even places where cats and other animals are normally quite defensive about.

Plus of course, Nissa kissed me on my lips all the time, too - her signature un-cat-like characteristic. (I've posted pix of this on LS before) And not like one or two quick ones as some cats will, but for 10-15 mins. straight and often as if she wanted to climb right INTO my body (we used to laugh ourselves silly over her "deep throat" kisses for me) ....*sigh*....I lived for our daily and often multiple w/i a day, and as our bedtime routine, kiss-fests, as did she. She would also often simply stop and rest her lips on mine in the middle of these and we'd both sit or lay there motionless like that, in total bliss, for minutes at a time. Her eyes would glaze over and she'd usually being doing her famous "double-purr" at the same time - a regular, deep-seated purr overlaid by a breathy, soft purr - I don't know HOW she did this and I've never heard any other cat ever do this, either. She and I definitely kissed more than most human partners ever do in a lifetime and I miss that so badly, still, I could scream. I feel SO incomplete without them. I actually counted our kisses/love-fest a few times, just to see, and came up with #s around the 140's!!! I always told her that, if there had been no other way (but there was, in spades), THIS was how I knew for CERTAIN that we'd been meant for only each other, as we were always both total kissers! (bittersweet smile) But I swear it's been HER who's come through in other cats since, to plant a few upon my lips every now and then, as these other cats have never repeated their 'indiscretion' since.

I was extremely fortunate (as was Nissa) that I was at home the whole time, and I count my lucky stars every day for that. Nissa had so much care to see to in her last few months that I can't imagine how I could have done it all otherwise. Between her one med. (that I had to use as there was no alternative for it, though I tried to find one cats could use), her supplements' regime and multiple feedings schedule, it would have been impossible to properly slot everything in, had I not been home.

Because of the lengthiness and often the depth of my own numbness, I began to get a little worried, since I wasn't seeing anyone else with 'pet' loss being numb for that long, and I also became panicked because when you're numb of course, neither can you feel a normal depth of ANY emotion, so that included the LOVE. It was underneath the shock and numbness, but of course I couldn't tell for sure at the time because, for one, I couldn't isolate it at ALL from the searing pain, and for two, it was dampened by the numbness. I began to long for a release into the pain, full-bore. But when that finally came, thankfully still only in waves, I thought I would honestly go insane from the mind-boggling intensity of the pain, and then understood just why my mind had used that defensive manoeuvre for as long as it had!

And like virtually everybody else, when I finally began to experience little bits of minor joy, I felt guilty for that, and even though I knew this was a common reaction, that didn't stop the guilt. I think it's only once you're finally SO worn out and tired of feeling so terrible overall, that you begin to allow that guilt to start to lift, again, in baby steps, a little at a time. So feeling more like yourself becomes more acceptable and attractive, but then you find that the "me" you were used to no longer exists anyway. Of necessity, it has been changed by your loss. And then you mourn the loss of your old self as well.

And again, like you but despite having a spouse, both of my kids played multiple roles in my life, and were/are the proverbial "greatest loves of my life", too. So having a partner doesn't necessarily stop or change any of those important roles from developing regardless. Most humans just choose (from all their accu mulated baggage) to not love the same ways our beloved animal-people do.

"...and hope for another visit. It's just that I had that every day for 17 years and now it is moments." Yah, I feel the same way, too. While I 'only' had my boy for 13 yrs., Nissa was my constant for 19 yrs. and 7 months, so a huge chunk of my life, and it's been VERY hard to adjust. And while we cherish their spirit visits, however they may be, those alone are never enough to fill the void. The "crashing" does seem to lessen over time, though, while the "high" lingers a bit longer. I also know what you mean by feeling their presence more when keeping up the routine of talking to them as if everything's still the same. I think I need to go back to doing that more often, as it's faded over the last year. Although I do still sleep with a "stuffie" I had to buy (couldn't sleep at ALL w/o some semblance of my girl), and also have 2 "stuffies" to plunk on my lap in the evening as I sit on the couch. I still miss terribly, being covered in cats....but MY cat-kids, not other ones.

Funny you should mention wondering about passing anxieties on to Mage.....I don't normally talk about this whole concept to most people because it's both so painful and many don't even understand the concept, but I already knew for many yrs. before Nissa 'left' that this was actually very common, i.e. them picking up OUR emotional issues and internalizing them. (and keeping in mind that other humans often do the same) They do this to serve us, so the ACers say time and again, as do those spiritual teachers who speak to what humans do, too. They mirror our issues back to us as a way to make them more obvious to us so that we'll work on them, for our own benefit. In fact, I began 'ordering' Nissa to NOT do this for me, as I was aware of most of my own issues and would work on them as I was able, in my own ways, and I didn't want her to suffer because of ME and mine. She then 'said' she wasn't doing that anymore. But we also have to keep in mind that, as individual souls unto themselves and in their own right, they also came here to work on their OWN issues at the same time. And, we aren't here to control everyone else's issues, either. So it's a fine line, but there IS a line somewhere. That said, I actually have wrestled many times over whether or not MY thoughts and fears could actually CAUSE them to get so ill and/or then leave their bodies. I don't usually want to admit to it here, though, simply because I definitely don't want others to start wondering the same thing and add to their guilt and regret!! I still don't have a firm answer for this, either, but have to recognize that we EACH have our own parts to play on this plane, and underneath my worries over this I still do believe that if someone has chosen a certain time to go Home, there's nothing that will stop that. And yet it is still a paradox in my mind, too, and don't know if I'll ever have THE answer until I,too, return Home.

I struggled mightily over this when one of my best ACers said that Nissa knew her time was coming "in awhile" and that I should begin preparing by practicing Acceptance. And so I did begin, because SHE asked. But then those worries crept in, too, just like with you, and I wondered if I'd done the 'wrong' thing by 'giving in' to such thoughts. In the end, I had to trust what my HEART was telling me, and what my SOUL just felt/knew inside. So I just played around the idea that I still didn't really know WHEN this would be, so tried to live with acceptance of what was each day, while at the same time suffering with and going through the process of anticipatory grief. It was HARD....really hard. And what made it even harder was that there were very few outlets for me with those who understood anticipatory grief in the first place. Now, I can say that as part of Nissa's legacy, I was one of the players instrumental in getting a forum for this very topic begun on another grief board, as I bemoaned the lack of resources for this quite often there. So once again, because of my girl, something positive became manifest. And also like you, I tried to talk on the phone to whomever, I hoped out of earshot of my girl...although not as easy as if she was outside, so was I, although she could be snoozing several yards away in one of her spots as I sat at the patio table or walked to our 'nook' around one corner of the yard.

I'll leave the whole vibrational "ladder" thingy for another time.

"But maybe I do question them when I say I don't really want to adjust to him not being here. But I do want to honour him and I can't do that if I feel so low, but I don't question it, just feel it." This is something people often say that I never really agree with. Who says we can't and don't "honour" someone we love just because we're feeling lousy? If THEY were feeling lousy, didn't we love and honour them all the same? Didn't our hearts open up ever wider to accommodate their discomfort or pain and support them in it? I say, whatever our feelings, I truly believe our loved ones don't sit there judging them as dishonourable. We feel that badly because it seems they've left, so isn't that an honour to their importance in itself? And isn't honouring ourselves, in...our....process a freedom they'd WANT for us to claim? No, I never feel I'm DIShonouring my kids by grieving for them. While they may, indeed, prefer to see me happy, if the shoe were on the other paw and I was watching THEM grieve, as I indeed DID with Nissa (over Sabin), I would love them all the more because of the depths of their own feelings. So sure, we can work on feeling better, however we may do that, but I don't think we ought to feel like what we're doing or feeling is somehow dishonourable. That's just applying another cruel judgment upon it. Also, nobody ever really wants to adjust to a loved one "not being here". But we DO usually at some point want to return to higher vibrational states, because that's just our real nature - to want to feel good. If we deny where we are, though, we just create more resistance and make it even harder on ourselves.

Those circles of thought and feelings....again, absolutely normal, even though it feels like hell to be stuck in them. Don't worry, you will work them out in time. Do whatever you feel you have to because that's what will be right, or best, for YOU at any given time. I don't think anyone really "fails" anything, though. We make errors in perception and sometimes don't use the best discrimination, but that is all that is, and the very fact that you've gotten illumination about something, even IF it's in hindsight, that was a success eventually. We're given those opportunities over and over again, because our soul wants us to remember Who and What we really are. So if can we stop thinking about things that don't work out well as "failures" and starting thinking about them more in terms of chances to experience and learn, we take a lot of unnecessary pressure off ourselves and things flow easier. I can choose to say "I failed Sabin miserably" or I can instead say "It was all in Divine Order and that experience was as it was in order to once again let him LEAD us (as was his mission and way) into many more loving, glorious, fulfilling and growth-producing experiences." I actively choose the latter perception, as that's the one that serves me AND therefore the Whole better. If not for what happened with him, Nissa would not have received what SHE did from me. And so love is all that there really is.

And I would like to think we have become more compassionate and loving because we had such great role models who gave us unconditional love and asked for nothing back in return.

Hi Joanne,

I wondered what happened - I sent you an email a few days after Christmas after I turned on the PC again and received your pre-Christmas one. I hadn't heard so thought you were busy. Anyway, thank you for posting.

I have been changed because of Mage, indeed. The relationship we had has brought about someone quite different in me. For when I first met my boys I wanted them, I may have already said this, but I wanted them to feel safe and have no fear, because that is how I felt as a child, there was a lot of fear and I didn't feel safe. This was the first difference with these two than with the other two I had had at different times. Many years later it became important to me for Magion to truly know he was loved, to really feel it, for again, I had not experienced this. Then over the last while it was important to me that he was happy - not that I didn't want him to be happy all those other years, I did, but in terms of what I gave to him, it was important now to me that he had all the things I wanted for him in the beginning and over the years but that he also was really happy. As I write this I don't know if I achieved those things for him, only he would know. Sometimes I think I created fear in him when I didn't want this, when I would be outside with him over the last few years and he would go off around the front and I would follow and sometimes he would just stop and wow, as if to say, 'am I allowed to be around here?' And that wasn't what I wanted, to create a fear in him about his own behaviour when I wanted him always to feel safe and secure.

Anyway, I still need to take a leaf out of his book and be laid back like he was, taking everything in his stride. When he wasn't well in those last weeks he did become a bit upset about not being able to walk as well as he could and sometimes being caught short going to the toilet. I could see this sense of exasperation come over him when he had always taken everything, even is lessening ability to jump, in his stride. It was then I knew it was my job to help him be able to take this too in his stride and tried to let him know that everything was okay. He became quite okay with it all and would let me know when he needed to go to the toilet. I miss him so.

Yes, we can become changed people, when we allow ourselves, because of these amazing individuals.

Take care.

Wendi.

yet he confessed that he would have wanted to go through it rather than be protected from an unhappy end of life, as this is what I tried to do, with the best intentions towards him.

Thank you Toonie.

What you say is interesting. I was in despair over watching Magion experience would he did before he left. And although I could not end his life, in my mind it was his life to live completely and having wanted everything to make him well it didn't make sense to me to do a complete turn around in that moment, although I didn't want him to suffer and if need be would have given him the valium or pain relief even though they would have had implications. However, I worried in the midst of all this whether this, what appeared to be agony, would eradicate all our beautiful years together and he would move to the next world with only the experience of these moments and not our life together. The doctors and specialists assured me he wasn't in any pain and he was in my lap as I sat cross legged on a couch in a quiet room at animal emergency, with me singing him his songs in between feeling agony over what was happening, but not wanting to be upset for his sake. Love was the overriding emotion and connection the strongest feeling.

As I write this, I realise that those moments for me, although have not eradicated our beautiful memories, have left an indeliable mark on me, that sometimes is just so completely agonising that I am so clearly reliving it I break down in disbelief that he could go and that I didn't do more. I remember the specialist saying at the time, abit later, which I couldn't really hear at the time, something about how these moments will fade and the memories will come. And all I could think of at the time, is 'I've just lost my boy, how can any of these moments fade?'

And I do try to realise, that in my 'grass is always greener' mode of being that things may well have been not as good had I moved north or done whatever. As much as I never really settled in this place, I kept being drawn back to it on the internet when I was looking for a place and Mage liked this end of the complex rather than the one I was looking at originally down the road a bit. So I bought this one. Maybe it wasn't a mistake, it is just that I never really settled. I thought it was a mistake as soon as I had paid the deposit. I think over the years, especially since Dad went in some ways, I didn't trust the universe as much as I used to. It certainly would have been much much worse had I bought the one down the other end of the complex and I was ready to do that, only a structural issue was pointed out to me. I know now, with the people who live next door to that place and how ill tempered and disliking of felines the fellow is, that Magion could well have been very seriously hurt.

As you say -
We can not know we can only do our best , we will never know what may have been as opposed to what was and whether it would have been worse or better.

I don't know if I have ever done my best. I believe I could have done things differently with many others including my father had I been a much better organised person and truly taken opportunities as they presented. But, you are right - we don't know. I do suffer abit from 'grass is always greener' what I refer to as a 'syndrome' and yet when I have ventured forth, expecting things to be better, much of the time they haven't been.

Thank you for writing Toonie. Talk again.

Wendi.

Hi F.Ks Mom,

Uncanny indeed! I had just put the kettle on for a cuppa and came and logged on to find your post, saying I better get that cuppa before I read! So, kettle having just boiled, I did just that.

You talk about your kisses. I changed alot with Mage over the years, and discovered more and more how much my own raising influenced my being with these four legged ones (in my response to Joanne I've said abit about my raising). So it took me a long time before Mage and I really kissed. A regret now - as I could have had that sooner. But maybe he taught me this, I don't know. Anyway, kisses started off as his kisses for me, the classic nose to nose touch or moochle and I would do a nose touch to the top of his head as my kiss to him. And when I was going out I would do these my nose to the top of his head kisses 5 times. This way he knew I was going out for abit. That's if he was around at the time, as back then he went off and did his own thing. But after he had his surgery in 2004 alot changed, and I let him sleep on the pillows (which I didn't before - another regret, when all he wanted was closeness and I drew the line at the pillows), and kisses became me kissing him with my lips on the top of his head, heaps of times. And the kisses all over him with my lips. His kisses to me changed too and he would do the nose touch to my nose and moochle my nose so hard at times it could hurt a little and it would be very much a marking, wet and sloppy, he would then reach up to me and I learnt to bend my head down and he would kiss me, try to reach, on the top of my head and he would kiss my eyes and then come back to my nose and moochle it again and then he would face down and raise his head to me for me to kiss him on the top of his head. This series of kisses could happen a number of times and it was so beautiful. In more recent times I would look at him sitting whereever he was and I would be so full of love for him that I just wanted to lean forward and give him a kiss on the lips. I thought this would take him by surprise and so didn't do it. And wondered whether this was overstepping a boundary, even though I said to myself what is the difference in kissing him on the lips to giving him mouth to mouth if he needed it. Anyway, I had this thought/urge a number of times when I looked at him, of wanting to kiss him on the lips. Then one evening he had backed himself onto my lap, like a human person would sit down, and we were having our kisses, lots and lots, really sloppy ones on his part and he lent up and went to kiss me on the lips. It took me by surprise, because I had wanted to do this for so long. And it was wet - my memory of it now, is that I turned away out of surpirse and said 'that was a wet kiss.' It was the only kiss on the lips we had and because my memory is of me turning away, I feel regret. It was not what I wanted to do. In those last weeks we were together, and I rarely went out for those 6 1/2 weeks and eventually had neighbours getting groceries for us, Mage asked for so many kisses - my kisses to him on the top of his head type kisses - kisses, kisses and more kisses for minutes at a time, my lips would tingle. At the time, it was like he was asking me to give him enough kisses to last a lifetime.

Most humans just choose (from all their accu mulated baggage) to not love the same ways our beloved animal-people do. Isn't that so true. And I have come to think though, are we too more accepting of our four legged ones than we are of people - I was probably much more tolerant of Mage and any indescretion than I am of a human person. There was only one time that I didn't like what he did much and I looked at him differently at the time because of that behaviour, and shared with him my concern - now I don't know whether it was about a bird or a baby possum, but he went through a spat of teaching me how to be a feline, probably a lost cause at the time, I learnt better later, but I was really upset with what he had done, and told him it was the behaviour and not him and that I loved him all the same. It took me abit at the time to adjust to it, but I do wonder now, whether I would have been so forgiving of the behaviour of a human that upset me or whether I would have held onto the angst and created even more issues on top of all the issues all humans have in the first place. I did say to someone years ago, and have said to people recently, that I think a tail is one of the most descriptive parts of a felines anatomy. Excuse me if I've said this before, but I think a tail would come in very handy. All Mage had to do was give a minor flick of his tail to let me know he didn't like what I was doing and I would alter my behaviour. He didn't need to get up and move away to communicate that he didn't like it. And I never took offence to his wants. How many people can we say to them, 'please don't do that, I'm finding it abit disconcerting' without them taking offence. So clearly, even though felines do not speak the same language they sure know how to communicate.

But it is reassuring to hear how you feel about your kids and your husband. When I feel so alone I do remind myself that the two people I would have turned to, do not really understand and do not have the emotional ability to be able to respond to my pain. (I'm not saying your husband doesn't, I'm just relating to me in this moment.) Yes, one can have closeness with our four legged ones and be in a human relationship as well. When I was with the last guy, I met him when Mage and I were together, he knew well that Magion came first, before him, always would.

I understand completely when you say

I still miss terribly, being covered in cats....but MY cat-kids, not other ones.

It is Nissa and Sabin you miss, like I miss Mage, no other can come close. It is not just feline company we miss, it is that relationship that was built over years, that connection that is missed.


By the way, what is a "stuffie"? I come from the antipodes remember.

I actually have wrestled many times over whether or not MY thoughts and fears could actually CAUSE them to get so ill and/or then leave their bodies.

Indeed. I used to think he wanted me to get over my OCD type behaviour and sometime it would be less than other times. To possbily think that my anxiety induced thoughts and behaviours could affect him so, is awful. I suppose I just need to keep taking a leaf out of his book on how to be so laid back - more than ever, if there could be anything in it. I won't say anymore.


Now, I can say that as part of Nissa's legacy, I was one of the players instrumental in getting a forum for this very topic begun on another grief board, as I bemoaned the lack of resources for this quite often there. So once again, because of my girl, something positive became manifest.
How wonderful and more of what I mean by saying I want to honour my boy. I want him to be proud of me. I used to want my parents to be proud of me, but my mother kept saying when I was a teenager that pride was a sin even when I tried to disagree and say that maybe it is when a person has pride in themselves but surely not when it is in another. Anyway, my Dad said he was proud of me, when he was living in residential care and he introduced me to someone and they said, 'you must be very proud' and he said he was. I was then in my mid thirties and it was the first time I heard anyone say they were proud of me. I was soooo proud of Magion and I said this to him so many times when he tried so hard in those last weeks to do things. But now, I want him, like I haven't wanted anyone, to be proud of me, I want him to be able to look up at me and say, 'hey, that's my mumma.' And so because of what he gave me, I want to honour him with my life now, and in order to be able to honour him with my life I have to get up off the couch and it is so hard to just put one foot in front of the other most of the time. And I can't, and don't want to force anything.

I remember as I write, that that is what I had been thinking among all the regrets, that how could he look up to me, with all the things I felt I had done wrong, and it was that night that I realised he was here, his presence was here and he was saying to let go of all the past stuff and the regrets.

I want to be to be proactive in achieving things in Mage's honour and yet I have been such a disorganised person to date and now with how I feel much of the time, just lost without him, I don't know how to go about anything. I don't feel at all that I am dishonouring him by my grief. No, the depth of our connection is reflected clearly in the depth of what I feel now his physical self is not here. And we were very close and the pain then is so deep.

I had been saying at one point about how I was in this job, I had left jobs where I felt inadequate or I didn't like many times before and this time I needed to know whether I had been running. As a result I had to stay in the job long enough to know that. It was an intense learning for me, to stay in one job in one place for over a year as I hadn't done this before. Studied alot, worked little. And I really wanted to be home for Mage and me. I didn't ever anticipate staying in the job for very long overall but didn't know what other job to do. By the end of 2005 I had secured one day working from home for 8 weeks (started job in May - after only working couple of mornings a week in other job for couple of months - school hols before that as I had been teaching part time). Each year I took lots of leave, doubling my four weeks by taking it on half pay. I was working full time and had a friend come around twice week to be with Mage for a while. He would ring me and Mage and I would get to talk on the phone. By mid 2006 I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. By early 2007 I was able to work from home two days a week. In all this I had to address my fears and inadequacies and there was alot of personal issues being addressed in all this, communication, confidence all that. And yet my desire was to be with Mage and I refused to be away from him anymore than I had to. I finally went part time (0.8 EFT) early last year after 7 weeks leave and still had my work from home days. I have kicked myself for not going part time sooner as it had been offered to me and is what I wanted but because of the extended leave I would take I didn't think we could afford it and I didn't want to get us in a problematic financial situation as I had done before. Emotionally none of this was this clear cut at the time. I had been awarded a scholarship (small one) for my PhD study in 2008 and was waiting for that money to come through so I could be home with Mage more - I was going to take 4 months off work to study and be home. But the money didn't come through till just after Mage went. I say now, if there is some higher purpose in all that personal stuff for me than maybe I am okay with it all, but if there isn't, it all just appears to be a waste, when all I wanted was to be with my boy, not be going through some personal growth which I could have addressed years ago with Mage healthy rather than leave those jobs then. I had left jobs because of inadequacy before and there seemed to be a pattern emerging. But I do say, if I had to go through all that 'crap' at some point, then I was glad Mage was there because I couldn't have done it without him. Anyway, I only offer this in light of what you were saying regarding things of a 'Divine Order.' I did believe we are all on a journey of personal and spiritual growth/development, but somewhere, I think maybe a bit after Dad went, and then when Mage became unwell in 2004, I somehow just closed in around Mage to some degree and wanted to push everything else aside.

I will leave it at that, as what I have just written has raised need for reflection and apart from that, this has become a very long post.

Hope to talk again.

Wendi.

Hi all. Thanks for posting. I'm going off this site again. I am just not coping at all.

Wendi.

(((((((((((((Wendi)))))))))))))

Ditto to all that Joanne said!