I'de give anything, ANYTHING just to look into those loving eyes and share a hug with him again..

But yes, without a doubt, hammering it out on my keyboard and getting it out here, althought it brings me to tears, i do feel a little lighter. Reading other people's post's detailing their own personal loss, does remind that their are other people out their in the States and other places, that are going through the same process. Because of that, i feel compelled to post some words of comfort, but for the life of me, i dont know what to say.

You just DID! What a blessing that dream was.

Remember the story about the two boats and the helicopter earlier in the thread?

Now that you have had that dream maybe it will make more sense.

When a gift is given, you are supposed to accept it. Don't question it and turn it over looking for a price tag. Many on here would love to have had a dream like that.

You got your visit!

What happens is we meet one who becomes special and we bond with them. BUT..and it is a big BUT.... we don't look unless we feel in our hearts we are ready for another unconditional love (not to replace what we had but to add something to our lives that at present, we don't have and we want to have it).

LoveThem,
Yes exams are over. My previous exams took place just before my Raggs went.

Yeah, Sunday July 6th, the day my Raggs went. I remember every second of that day.
I understand that i have to keep myself occupied and fill my time so that i dont get swallowed up completely, but everything just seems like...So much effort now. Even the walking and just getting out of bed in the morning. A big part of me just wants to lie down, cry, and not move again...
For a week or so it was a little different. I couldn't keep still. I mean i couldn't stay in one place for longer than ten minutes or so without panicking. I would have to move then another ten minutes or so i would have to move again. I still feel that daily, its just not as 'constant' as it was.

But yes, without a doubt, hammering it out on my keyboard and getting it out here, althought it brings me to tears, i do feel a little lighter. Reading other people's post's detailing their own personal loss, does remind that their are other people out their in the States and other places, that are going through the same process. Because of that, i feel compelled to post some words of comfort, but for the life of me, i dont know what to say.

To be honest, i hope that i am able to connect to another special friend someday. And i do miss that unconditional love only a special friend can provide. But for me, that unconditional love is called Raggs.
I understand the enormatiy of how many babies are out their just wanting to give their love to somebody/a family and recieve some love. And it is exactly that why i am so scared at the thought reaching out for another special friend, opening my home, and not being able to give them an honest piece of my heart. I would feel devastated (for them) if i wasn't able to provide that, the most important thing.

I had a very strange dream last night...Its been on my mind all day..

My Uncle came to visit (i haven't seen him in a number of years) and we were sat in our front room. Well he was sat and i was leaning against the fire place.
I started to tell him about that awful day Raggs had gone (he last saw him when he was just a pup).
The thing is, as i was going through what had happened, Raggs was their. He was still their laid asleep against the sofa.
I thought nothing of it, their is my Raggs fast asleep like most days. It was just like any other time he was still here. And yet i was still explaining to my Uncle that he had gone and how that day played out. I felt just as bad as i do now explaining to my Uncle. Then his sleepy eyes began to open and slowly began to focus on me leaning against the fire place. I saw out of the corner of my eye that his eyes were open, i glanced over to him, taking a pause from STILL explaining to my Uncle. I give him a quick wink followed by a smile (as i would always do), i then turned back to my Uncle and carried on explaining the events of that day. Again, out of the corner of my eye, i saw him stand, stretch himself and make his way over to me with his loveable tail wagging and his usual licking of the lips. I turned my head, crounched and held out my arm. As soon as he brushed himself up along my arm and into my chest where i could put my arm around him, i turned back to my uncle and carried on explaining...I then remember standing and leaning against the fire place again with Raggs snaking his way around my lower legs, Just like he would do. Which i always found strange (in a good way) as cats tend to do that.
I lowered my arm to stroke him, all the while looking at my Uncle explaining the events of the 6th...
Thats all i remember...
I was explaining to my Uncle that terrible day and feeling as bad as i do now doing it...But he was still here, he was still being..Raggs...Turning to him i would feel the joy he gave me, turning to my Uncle, everything i'm feeling now would kick in...
I dont get it...

I woke up with a shock and sat on the side of the bed in confusion. For a split second i thought...'Maybe, just maybe he is still here'...He wasn't...And it hit me all over again.
The dream was as clear as day...Every stroke of my precious Raggs, his soft fur running through my fingers to the 'loved-up' sick feeling i would get when looking into his sleepy eyes..

I'de give anything, ANYTHING just to look into those loving eyes and share a hug with him again..

I mentioned this before but its starting to bother me a little now..
I have a number of bird boxes/stands in my garden which would always attract a number of birds every morning and early evening. My Raggs and the birds would share the garden. The birds didn't mind that he was their and my Raggs didn't mind that the birds were their.
Since the 6th, NOT ONE bird has landed in the garden or used a bird box. The stands are still loaded with bird seed and havn't been touched by the birds since the 6th.
Its almost like their avoiding the garden now.

I remember you talking about the birds. All I can think of is......when I had a dog in my yard...there were birds around..none of my dogs ever bothered the birds. But when my last dog had to leave and there was no animal in the yard...guess who felt safe to be there? A feral mom cat who birthed her kittens there. Now I don't know of any bird that feels safe around a cat. You just might have cats passing through that you are not aware of..but the birds are. It's a thought. They know cats can climb. I don't know how high your feeders are or whether the now empty yard just felt safer to them when Raggs was there.

As far as confusing feelings and saying it is harder to remember your feelings before July 6th....that is what we use our pictures for...a strong reminder that won't allow our memory to dim of a happier time with them. Also, telling stories of things like your walks, etc., those are the good memories that we can think of over and over again. As you have said...you would never trade those 15 years with Raggs...well, 15 years has to have lots of good memories. Vacation times, Summers, whatever times you were able to spend the most time together.

It is easier to feel the pain and sadness right now because it has not even been a month since July 6th. We work on pushing this pain down and do what it takes to remember the good times and be thankful for them rather than let them cause us any sadness. It is really not so confusing to remember that Raggs and you were together and that was a good thing. Unfortunately, it was his time to find peace from what old age does to the body, and so you physically had to part and that is a painful and extremely sad thing.
The present is when you are reminded everyday that a beautiful physical presence is no longer there and that is the time we all already dread but we feel having them is worth the pain and it is up to us to learn how to deal with it in a way best for us. It is harder when you haven't been through it before. But we were all there for a first time and that loss and sadness didn't keep us from loving and having others in our life. Maybe you might want to think about a puppy....any "kid" is definitely a distraction and I have seen such a thing truly help others. I know what it was like to be single and living by myself and losing a canine best friend and I have to say for me....I needed that distraction then and it worked....just like now I still needed the distraction because the pain alone just hurts so badly.

For me, the distraction means a lot more of my time is taken up taking care of the new one...by his demand...and I don't have as much time to sit and think and grieve and allow the hurt I can't stop to be so much a part of my thinking that at times I don't know where the pain stops and I begin. It helps me a lot because I don't have to work so hard to push away the pain...I am distracted and I can't deal with both at the same time so the distraction of the new one's demands wins....to his benefit but more so, to mine.

I think of Jorge and Buster. Jorge still has the pain of missing his boy but now he also has the distraction of taking care of his new family so he is not physically alone anymore. And that will help him everyday because he has the distraction everyday. And so the pain stops being a constant 24/7 overwhelming hurt. It will still be there and hurt at times but as he remembers his good memories of Buster and sees his new family everyday and knowing he has given them a home when there was none left for them...and feeling them loving him and needing him.....that is a lot of outside help to push down the pain. But...he will never ever forget his best friend who was by his side the longest part of his lifetime.

Just examples of what has helped me, what I see also help others, and maybe just thinking about it all...will help you. (Wouldn't that be something if you had a new doggie in your yard AND your birds came back?). Just a thought that made me smile.

Here is your cyber-HUG!

Been a hwile since I posted to you. Just wanted to say hello and hope you are feeling a tiny bit better.
Not many words from me tonight. It is the 8 week mark since my loss.

Many hugs to you!!!!!!

Steve,

you said:

I dont know how to cope or what level of pace i should be on.

The thing that really...hits me head on is that...He's gone...
Looking at the pictures...
My God' he's not here anymore...
Its just unbelievable...
My one and only best friend isn't here.
I cant describe how i can't get my head round this.


----------------------------------------------------------------
about your first sentence......there is no such thing as "should" in grieving. You are where you are and things only change as time changes and mostly depending on how your feelings begin to change. The pain doesn't go away but after a while (and this goes
with your other comments above)....you kind of "accept" that Raggs really is physically gone. My way of accepting is I don't think about it. I don't allow myself to think about it. That's how my distraction helps me. Before him.....each day seemed like the day before and I didn't feel any different.....I didn't want to think about losing my boy and what happened and that he truly is gone forever..physically. I don't want to think about it now. I can look at his pictures now and somehow just feel like he "is" in that picture so he is not gone forever. Grief can result in strange thoughts. I have his healthy happy pictures in frames in all my rooms but the pictures I took of his last days..I can't look at. He always looked directly at me through the camera and I remember snapping a couple of pictures a few days before his last day (which I didn't know was coming) and he didn't want to look up and that's what the pictures show me. That means he wasn't well and seeing that is when it hit me that I was looking at him then and really didn't accept he wasn't well...I still had hope.

But the healthy pictures I can look at.....he WAS feeling good there and he looked right at me. I don't know if you looked at my Tribute Little Guy in Pictures but I can look at that now and I do know he felt good those years and I want to remember that.

Thoughts like....he is not here....I don't allow...I push them away because I don't want that pain that doesn't do any good.
But looking at a picture when he is healthy...I can do and think....he loved lying on that blanket..what a sweethheart.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I guess my coping was finding Lucky because he was a way out of my pain. A pain that helped nothing to go through.
I read on a forum someone said: Death is only a tragedy for those left behind. That tragedy is the pain that never
ends until we consciously use whatever we can to push it away...and a good start..is using the happy memories whenever
we feel the pain. And...don't end the happy memories by allowing the sadness to come back. There are more happy
memories than sad ones and they are left with us maybe for the that reason...use them to help accept what you cannot
change....and move on as best you can.

There are no rules or time limits on grieving. Going at your own pace is simply whatever is happening to you is your way.
Maybe someone else can say..they took a month to get over the pain.. maybe others say it took longer. Whatever
happens to you is the right way for you. There are no gauges as to...where should I be right now? You can use
should as a guide as to where you should be is where you want to go and think about what might help getting there.
Knowing....it will take time and baby steps....it just does.

Here is your cyber-HUG today!

Judy

Hey guys,
I lost my best friend, Raggs, a rescue pup that was found abandoned and neglected in the streets. His coat was matted and mangled. Hence the name.
I was first introduced to Raggs at the age of 7 when my Dad brought him home. He was approx. 8 weeks old. I'm now 22, Raggs passed last Sunday. I had the pleasure of his friendship for 15 years.

We quickly became friends, then best friends and soon enough we were inseparable. He was part of the family..We both grew up together. Now he's gone and i'm completely lost.

During my late teens i battled against an eating disorder. I was very sick. And he knew that, he knew that i was sick.
Resting his head on my chest a little more gently than usual, his big green eyes would stare into mine and they would beg me to get better, his eyes told me i needed to fight it and get better.
He pulled me through that dreadful time. After all, we were a team. A unit.

We bounced off each other, protecting one other when either of us fell.

Over the years his eye sight began to dim and his hearing wasn't too good...He was getting old...
Something of which was easily over shadowed by liveliness and playfulness.

Through out Last Friday he was puking violently, drinking lots, not eating and seemed...'sluggish'.
I comfortred him through the night into the early hours.
After an hours sleep, i woke up to find that he had perked up alot. Throughout Saturday he wasn't puking, he was eating and he seemed a lot happier. I went to bed that night relieved that my best friend was ok, foolishly putting it down to something he may of eaten.
The following morning i woke to find him in much worse condition than on the Firday. He was puking again, drinking lots and could barely walk. When he could stand and walk (with assistance), He couldnt balance and couldnt walk straight.
My Dad called the Veterinarian hospital in the neighbouring town while i comforted him, and told him what he told me 2 years previously...'Get beter'...'Please get better'...'It'll be alright'.
Soon enough my Dad had scooped him up off of the carpet in a wrap around, we were in the car and heading to the hospital.

My best friend has always had a...'rebellious' streak towards being examined or when getting his shots. This time was different, their was no fight...No need to calm him.
After an examination, the Vet said that his kidneys had completley shut down and that the kindest thing we could do for him was put him to sleep.
'No! No he's fine! He was fine yesterday!', i kept thinking. It hadn't hit me what was going on or what was about to happen.
My best friend of 15 years wasn't about to leave me...He couldnt.

The Vet asked us to leave the room while she did her thing.
That wasn't going to happen.
She shaved a small piece of fur off of his leg...Normally he would try his best to avoid that happening, but still..Nothing.
The rest...I just cant write...

I'm completley lost. The earliest memory of life i have is when i was 7, the day i met my best friend.
I can honestly say that i've never known life without him.
The bottom of my world fell through last Sunday. My heart feels so heavy and yet a chunk of it is missing.
Part of me still cant get my head round it...

I will never feel the same way he made me feel ever again. Only he had the power to do that. Words cant describe those feelings...And their gone.
Half of me has gone.

Since Sunday i just havn't been able to function...I cant stop crying, i cant stop panicking, i just...I cant cope much longer.

Even if just one person reply's to this...Please just say anything...Anything to let me know that someone is their..

Just me,

Thanks for asking. For the most part I feel better. I do have many moments still. When I am on here reading everyone's posts to each other is my worst times right now. Seems like I have the biggest tear drops ever. Still miss her so very much, but the pain is not as intense and as often. I am not forgetting her, just is easier now days to remember all the good times we had in the 2 short years together.
Again Thanks for asking. IT IS GOOD TO KNOW PEOPLE CARE IF ONLY A COUPLE WORDS!!

Many Hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Raggs. You are right when you say a part of you is missing because that is what they become to us. They are here on loan to us from God, and when he needs them back it makes us so sad. Let the tears fall freely and don't ever hold back. I lost my precious cat Simba just 3 weeks ago, and I still cry for him and miss him very much. In time you will start to feel better and remember the good memories with smiles instead of tears. Take good care, and know he smiles down on you with love.
Deb

I understand about the adopting of a new furbaby. I think I want to, but I've been several times to the adoption ceneter. I just cannot make a connection yet. Don't know if it is too soon yet or that I just haven't found the right furbaby. Sometimes I think it would help fill the void, but what if I get the wrong one.
So guess I agree we should make sure before we bring a new pet into our lives.

Thank You Again Justme!!!!!!!!!!

I am glad we can give each other some comfort.

Many Hugs to You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi, Steve

Well, last year in August and September was when I was losing my Little Guy and these months still make me cry. Ultra-sensitive I guess. I felt Beth was criticizing my grief and my solution for me...there is a difference in a recent loss and one several months away and you and I are not at the same stage of grieving but I have been where you are and I was reaching my hand back to help you get through what I have already been through.

Before I forget I wanted to tell you I liked your answer to Sissy about her going to the shelters to look for a new friend where you
said: Well i guess, (and anyone correct me if i'm wrong), by going to the adoption centre several times to look around, i think part of you may be ready but still maybe a little reluctant.
------------------
That made me smile. I think your thoughts are right on target.

-----------------------------------------------

I have read your replies of comfort to others here and you are doing so well and it makes me feel you are feeling the comfort like I get from hoping our words make someone else feel better. Which is why I see no reason to take a break unless you aren't feeling better by coming here. But I thought you are doing well....baby steps....as I read your responses I see a relaxing in your thinking and know some things are coming together for you...even if you don't consciously see it.

Don't be scared wondering what to do next. Don't wonder...just know you do have to take everything one day at a time and when you occupy your mind with positive things...like visiting here is positive...looking at Raggs pictures is a positive step. There are no instructions for us on what to do. That's why during my crying and grieving and realizing the pain was still controlling me...that's when I started forcing myself to think....what would make me feel better? Coming here and joining this forum was a tremendous help for me. As you can tell from other posts...this has helped many....I think because when you are here...you really realize YOU ARE NOT ALONE in your grief. That things you think........ others will tell you are normal. It is a way of passing the time that has to go by to help dull everything. And my final help was getting Lucky. He is not my Little Guy but he loves in his own way and best of all, he is the distraction I need to stop thinking sad thoughts.

I remember you last saying about your scanner wasn't working and you were going to put Raggs pictures on a CD and think about posting one here..or more. That's something to do.

Posting here in your topic and also posting to others where you want to simply ask...how are you doing?...things like that occupy time. I don't think being by yourself would help...I wouldn't want to be by myself when I am hurting. Sharing that hurt...just helps relieve some of it...as least it does for me. And I find if I am thinking by myself...well, I fill my mind with so many thoughts and questions..it drives me nuts. But posting things like this is therapeutic....I just can't do 2 things at once in my mind...post like this and feel any pain....and I would rather post.

I wish the summer were over too...you want to be back at Uni and I want it to be past the time my Little Guy had to leave..for me that date is Sept 10. Maybe we could just get through the summer together....by posting here and letting the days go by.

By taking it one day at a time...it is like when you get up...what do you want to do with the day? Whatever makes you feel better to do...do that. Cry and spend the day crying and getting exhausted? I've done that. Sometimes that is the thing that helps.
Coming here and trying to encourage people who are getting ready to make that final decision. See....they have yet to get on the road you are already on....There is a sweet gal here, Victoria, who will soon be losing her dog, Goose...they are waiting for her husband to be able to get back home. Like she said, it is hard to be doing this when you are alone. Trying to make others feel better...takes time from my day and that makes me feel better too....using time...and making someone feel better.

I like to go look at my Tribute to Little Guy in Pictures.....I put myself in the time frame of those pictures and that's why I can smile looking at them...instead of allowing myself to think the sad thoughts that could naturally come. He was fine then.

Just keep doing what you are doing...even if it feels as though you are doing nothing...doing nothing IS something. There is no right or wrong way to spend your time. Sometimes if you read what others do...you might think...I may try that.

The forum occupies time. Posting occupies time. taking a walk occupies time. Maybe writing a little journal each day about how you feel or write it to Raggs about how you miss him.....it takes time and if it brings tears...that is normal. We don't run away from tears. We just find after so many (and they will never be exhausted in our lifetime) that doing that is exhausting physically right
now and we try to find other outlets to relieve our pain.

I guess it is just that right now the only thing I can think of where one does not feel alone ...is coming here and feeling part of a family that understands, that has the same pain, and who are waiting for the same....time....to pass. And by the replies you see here...you can see what I am saying.

So, Steve, I think being here is the best place you could be right now...that is my opinion. Only you know what makes you feel better. That is the goal....to feel better when you think you can never feel better again. You can find you will get back in control of the pain and the sadness. Right now is too soon but not too soon to work at filling your day.

Well, now I have talked so much ...you might be nodding off....so I will stop for now...but I will be back and unless you say differently...I will expect to see you back too.

Here is your cyber-Hug.

Judy

Hey Steve,

Sorry for the confusion in my not separating the quotes. The back and forth posting confused me, however I will stand by what I said no matter who I was quoting. If it sounded as though I was yelling softly or otherwise, it was not the tone I intended. Yelling in any fashion or telling another what they should do or not do is not my style. To make it simple, I was just saying that for me it was important to work through the acute stages of grief before I even thought about bringing a new addition into our family. Experience tells me that pushing down feelings eventually come out in a very ugly way. One way or another they are going to come out. I never meant to offend anybody.............so I am very sorry if it was received in that way.

Each person is different. When I was still in a state of disbelief and deep mourning I was in no postion to even think about another puppy. My head was too discombobulated and I needed time to get my thoughts somewhat straight again. Browser came along about 6 months after Goliath passed away. If I remember correctly, it has not even been a month for you. When you think you are ready you will know it.

Just as there are others here to lend you support, I am too. Though I may not be here as often as I used to be, I come and read about how you are coming along. I do this because your story hits me right square in the heart where it still hurts and always will because I can understand completely why you feel the way you do.

Browser definately changed my life. I would be the first to acknowlege that and have no regrets. The right time is measured differrently for each individual. Only you and you alone will know when that time is.

Much love with comfort from my heart to yours,
Beth

Oh, what a BEAUTIFUL letter to Raggs! You did a fantastic job putting it all together and all your thoughts were so wonderful.

And your picture of Raggs.....Thank you for finding that one. What a gorgeous boy. When you are ready...I can't think of a better avatar picture so you and everyone can look into those eyes every time you post anywhere.

Just an wonderful, wonderful tribute. I loved reading every word of it...and I will again, I know.

This is really your one month time and you said you would do something special...for Raggs..

and he is truly listening to every single word....for that's what Angels do.

Hugs to both of you, today and everyday....

Judy

Hello again justme or sure I say Steve? I just finished reading your last post and I felt the pain you are feeling just as mine. The love we feel for our sons "like someone told me once" is out of this world it sure is, while reading at the end saw the beautiful picture and anderstood I was not alone on this and start it craying alot for you and for me. The way you expressed your self it felt like also was made for me too, like you were telling me exactly how I feel, thank you for allow me to remember one more time my Son Buster, I seems like I can not leave withour him, take care my friend, will be here always for you if you need me, a big hug, Jorge Click to view attachment That was just so beautiful, thanks.