I'm dying inside. As I type this I can't stop crying. I never would have thought I would come to a forum and pour my heart out. The only posting I've ever done is on a sports forum. But I can't stop hurting. This past Sunday Nova died. He was a three year old -I swear- little human being. Poor cat just went downhill so fast...Within the hour when we realized something was wrong, he passed on. Poor fella..

My wife and I saw somewhat erratic breathing from time to time in the weeks leading up to this but it was so subtle and would quickly subside. I SHOULD have taken him to the vet then. But I didn't put it together. I've never owned a cat before.

The vet thinks he suffered a heart failure and he quickly filled with fluid.

When we were at home his breathing had become noticeably quick and shallow. We decided to take him to a 24 hour vet clinic in Staten Island. Normally he was such a great vehicle passenger, but about 5 minutes into the ride he started meowing ferverishly.I knew something was wrong and it was getting worse. My wife drove while I did my best to calm him down in his carrier. As we got closer, the fluid buildup was now coming out of his mouth and he was obviously having great difficulty breathing. I can't get the sight of him or the horrible sounds out of my head. We got to the clinic but there was no doctor on hand and the receptionist couldn't get anyone on call. She gave us an address in Brooklyn to an emergency vet. At this point Nova was continuing to deteriorate rapidly. I took the keys from my wife and drove like nobody has any business doing. I just didn't care. As we turned onto Atlantic Ave. in Brooklyn, he let out a very faint meow and then became silent. He died here. I looked back and saw him and this image stabs my brain like a knife.

When we got there they attempted CPR but it was too late. They brought him in to the room my wife and I were in and I couldn't let go of him. My wife and
I just held him. He was still warm, and soft and his nose was still wet...I'm not a religous person but I couldn't stop asking God 'WHY?!"

My wife and I stayed home from work Monday and just held our other cat Jade for hours. I don't know what to do. I SHOULD have taken Nova to the vet when we saw his breathing was off. I SHOULD have called ahead to the first clinic we visited to ensure a doctor was on staff. I SHOULD have driven with even more urgency.

That's why I'm here. Because this hurts and I know many of you have or do feel the exact same way I do. Sad, hurt, guilty...this pain is unreal. It really is. I hope I can, six months or even a year from now, come back here and read a post from someone else and offer some guidance or comfort. That's how I know I'm healing, but I just don't know if I'm going to able to.

That little guy meant the world to me.

I'm so sorry Nova. I love you so much.

Friend.

I cried inside when I read your post. Don't feel ashamed to come here. We all know how deeply one can love a pet.

You did all you could. As soon as you knew something was wrong, you rushed Nova to the vet. You have been through a horrible, horrible ordeal as you describe it. Others will write here to tell you of their own similar pain and grief.

You say you are not religious, yet you turned to God. I believe in God and must trust in everything He does. Every day life is vast with happiness, sadness, suffering and joy. We know that pain, suffering and injustice is part of life.
It is always easy to look back and second guess "If I had driven faster" Certainly, you were not driving slow on purpose. "If I had only taken him to the vet a month ago" but how would you know at the time? You didn't.

I am so sad for you that little Nova's heart gave out at such a young age. My prayers are with you during this time of grief.

Nova Jade, you have come to the right place, we will be with you as you try and cope with this horrible event, it has all happened so fast for you and I know how much you loved your Nova. I can frankly tell you that losing a pet can be the hardest thing you have to go through in your life: it was for me and I am 55 years old. Please don't feel guilty, I know how much you will be going over and over the if I had done this, if I had done that....etc..Look at your heart and think, most honestly with yourself: what did you do? What were your intentions. Just the best for Nova. With what you knew at the time, you were giving Nova your best. Now you would have changed some things, but as they say, hindsight is 20/20. My little Felix died of heart failure too. He had had a bout of (,,,asthma?) when he was about Nova's age, we'd found him dying outside almost buried in the autumn leaves and rushed him to the vet-hospital where he was kept for a weekend of tests etc...they thought they would lose him then he got better: when he was released the vets said they didn't know for sure what he had had, they figured it was seasonal asthma and he went on to be well until he was 13 years old. During his last three months, we noticed Felix's breathing became laboured. We had so very little money to spend so after talking to the vet we supposed it was either his heart or asthma. We didn't do any tests and took a chance it was asthma so gave him steroids for this, he hated those little pills and soon it was a real fight he would use all his strength to fight off and I discovered he'd hide and spit it out a little bit later. His breathing became worse and when we took him back to the vets she said he was filling with fluid in his lungs and dying, that he wouldn't last another 48 hours and he would suffer. I was in shock about this, I never expected this. Felix saw my reaction and this is when he reached for my hand that was next to him and put his little paw on my hand as if to say with tenderness and love toward me ,'it's okay mom, let the vet do this, this is what I want'.

Now you also have Jade and I worry about her too, I will tell you why. She will feel your emotions. She will also realize that her buddy is gone though it may take a little bit of time for it to sink in, if she is like my other cat, Yukon(lost three weeks after Felix), she will hope to see him come back for a dozen days or so. So I just don't know how you and your wife will be able to handle this, but Jade will need your love and attention so much as you do as well, you three have all this grief to handle. Yukon my remaining soulmate cat grieved alone the poor baby. After Felix died, I was in a fog,absolutely lost in the kind of grief you are in . I could only think of my own grief , of Felix, Felix gone, forever,and had we neglected him?, couldn't we have done better?I had hoped to keep my cats for so much longer ..Had I taken better care of them, paid for more tests etc..maybe things would have gone better. I had such a hard time accepting what had happened to Felix I would spend a lot of time by myself, outside into the cold night, aching for Felix, crying for my loss, I was really good at focusing only on myself. An acquaintance came over, we told her about Felix, she towered over Yukon I saw that he felt threatened (now I realize it was because he couldn't move very quiqkly with his developping neuropathy that he was hiding so well)and she commented that he had no feelings... about Felix.
I should have seen that he was traumatized but I was just blind! He had been filling his litter box a lot, and eating tons not because he was feeling 'normal' but because he was having a bad bout of diabetes. He was striking his water bowl with his paws to check the level and we just thought he was being his usual comical self, just like when he would eat his cat food out of the can using his little paw as a fork... After Felix had died he didn't go up the stairs to sleep with me any more. I noticed and thought he was blaming me for Felix's death so I ignored that. He became blind and lame by the time I realized he was sick. I think he was also so depressed that he did think he just wanted to die, but that wasn't true. The rest is long and painful and need not retold here, but my mistakes culminated in deciding to euthanize my love. I was most probably insane with my grief, my health was suffering also because of a long work period too. At times I felt tempted to blame the others in my entourage who encouraged me to decide what I did for Yukon but deep down inside I know that the responsibility was all mine, it was all up to me and I was the one to blame. I should have been there to see him through this,to shake him out of that, but I wasn't up to that level. My heart goes out to all those who take such good dedicated care of theirs, I hold you in high admirations folks. Today, I realize that the only one who will be able to hold Yukon and Felix's memory in them is me, I'm the only one who was that close to them. So I have to be a better person so that even when I'm an old lady I'll be able to transfer the memories of those two soulmates of mine. But this is all easy for me to say, to advise, after a year of grieving, meditating, changing. All is just raw for you, but I hope you will be able to do better than I did. Nova will be in your heart forever and you can do right by Nova by being Nova's magnificient marker, when you are an old man you can tell people your story and they will love Nova as you tell them what Nova meant to you. Hugs and try to be well, it is so very hard. Courage to all of you!

NovaJade,

I am so glad that you found this board as I feel it will bring you comfort. I know you & your wife are in alot of pain now. I am so sorry for your loss of Nova. It is so hard to make sense of a young pet becoming ill and passing on. I feel you had some very unfortuanate cir%%stances when you reached the vet. But you and your wife tried your best to help Nova. So often animals have underlying health issues that we aren't aware of.

We go through so many emotions when we lose our beloved pet's. They were a member of our family.

I lost my dog Lizzy to cancer last month. Taking her to the vet to put her to sleep was hard for me. There were no other options left and Liz was ready. At first I dwelled on the night before when her breathing was labored. I continued to look at all of her favorite places in the house. I cried my eyes out and was sick for days. Then I remembered something very important. Liz never liked it when I was sad. I took Lizzy's pain away and she left me with tons of happy memories. I went through all of the pictures I had of her...she was always happy...smiling. I went outside and looked up at the sky and told Lizzy I loved her. I believe she is in Heaven with the other dogs that I loved.

It will take time for this pain you are feeling to ease. You will soon rejoice in Nova's life and laugh about the silly things he did.

NovaJade, I'm so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your wife. What a terrible stressful situation that must of been for the two of you to finally reach help and to be practically turned away. I think I would of freeked out and broke down in total despire right then and there. But you did not give up. You rushed Nova to yet another clinic. Both you and your wife did all that you could for him. I know that it is hard not to blame yourself for Nova's passing, but please don't. Our beloved furry friends are masters at disguising their illnesses and by time we realize that they are ill it's to late. Sure sometimes there are little signs but the signs are so brief and subtle that you think everything is fine. Then you look at them and they look and act so healthy that it varifies to us that they are healthy. You didn't know Nova was ill and when you did you went to great lengths to try and save him. I know how you feel like "your dying inside" I think a part of us does die when we loss someone that we love so dearly. I send you my sympathies and come and post whenever you need that shoulder to lean on. Because we have all been there and we understand your pain and grief. Take care k9pal

I know your pain...it sounds like our kitties died in the same way...gasping for breath. But I want you to know and believe that there wasn't anything you could have done to prevent it. My kitty was diagnosed 6 weeks before she died so I had an idea of what was wrong and I knew she was in "hospice"...there wasn't anything more that could be done.

I really believe that she left in her own way to spare me taking her to the vet and giving the order and I believe NovaJade did that for you as well.

No matter how they leave us...on their own terms or our bringing them in to free them from their pain......it's a blessing for them. The hell is only for us now...the shock of their leaving and the big hole it has left in our lives.

I believe that in deep grieving we honor them and ourselves.

I have NEVER felt the pain I have right now.

Be kind to yourself....and do not blame yourself...there was not one thing you or I could have done to save our beloved kitties.

Donna

As others have said, you have come to the right place. We have all suffered and also had others help ease some of the pain. I will write again but your story is too painful for me right now. You might want to read my topic "How do I stop crying?" to see how I can share some of your horror. You can also see how so many here responded. You went through a terrible terrible experience! Believe it or not, it seems like guilt will surface as part of your sadness even though it has no place there. We all wonder what more we could have done. All I know is I still feel guilty thinking I should have known more to do even though I realize, and I think you will in time, that we all did the best we knew how to do at that moment in time.
That thought really doesn't make me feel better because I still have a hard time accepting it but deep down I believe we had no choice. We think we did but if we truly did, it would have happened. My baby's breathing problems were something I never experienced with other animals in years past. The hints I asked the vet, they apparently didn't know. All I know is he is not suffering anymore. He is at peace. That's a comfort of a sort but it doesn't stop my suffering because I wanted to help him more and I could not. YOU DID THE VERY BEST YOU COULD AT THE MOMENT! Never forget that. What is left is grieving and human suffering and we are all here to help get through that to maybe a time of acceptance of the finality of it all. So, come back and write as often as you need to. This is my first forum and you found a truly terrific place to vent as much as you need to! Take care.

NovaJade.
We are all here for the same reason..we lost a furry friend or child too. We will all be here to listen to your stories and look at your pictures when you are ready to share them. Right now you are suffering the worst of the grief. It is a very dark lonely place and all I can say is we reach out to you and hug you collectively to help you get through your time with the pain. It has been almost 3 weeks for me since we lost our kittyson, Orion. He was sick a long time before and we knew it was coming, but it does not make it any easier to lose them. We have good days and bad days now. My hubby had a very bad day yesterday and I was more stable. Sometimes it is the other way around. But I won't forget those first days without Orion, the excruciating emptiness in our lives and hearts. Our cats were acting very strangely and we needed to give them LOTS more love and reassure them that they were NOT going anywhere. Orion's best buddy, Oliver is still mourning the loss of his best friend and all I can do is cuddle with him and kiss him and talk softly to him.
You and your wife MUST take care of yourselves. This means eating even if you don't feel like it, getting sleep and rest and making sure you are okay. You need your strength to go through the grief and keep coming here to read what other's have to say. It WILL help you get through this time. We are here and will be as you need us. I wil pray for your family and I mourn with you the loss of another of God's beautiful creatures. I send warm hugs your way.
susan

NovaJade,
Don't burden yourself with guilt, you did absolutely everything you could have and more. How could you have known that your little guy was sick, I wouldn't have taken one of my cats to the vet with the same symptoms at first either. It's so hard to lose your friend so quickly and unexpectedly. I lost my little Fuzzy-bob last week when he was accidentally hit by my neighbor. I thought I would die too. I felt so guilty that I let him outside, although he loved being out and we live on a very quiet street. I also realize that he had four wonderful happy years on this planet and that he was so loved by me. Remember you gave Nova a wonderful life and he was obviously happy and loved. You did so much for him when he needed you, I hope you find peace in that. This forum has helped me so much, I encourage you to continue checking back and keep us updated on how you're doing. For me doing a tribute to Fuzzy was so helpful and therapeutic. Spend lots of time with Jade and your wife, I know that my other kitties have been especially needy lately. I think that having them with me whenever I can has helped me so much. I hope you realize that it's okay to be so upset over the loss of a pet, many people don't understand that, but that doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid. I have cried so long and often over Fuzzy, and even my closest family members don't understand and have been unsupportive. Come back and let us know how you are doing. Fuzzysmom

I am so sorry that you lost Nova. You know, we all just do the best that we can with what we currently know. I have made mistakes with my earlier furkids. The way I look at it they helped me to do better with the furkids who followed. In that way their legacies live on and benefit a number of beloved guys we currently have here. Know that you did the best you knew to do with Nova. Learn from the experience and watch carefully for signs of heart problems in any future furkid. Vets go through the same type of training only without the emotional attachments we have. They make mistakes and miss things with their early patients. The good vets want to learn from these mistakes and they are the ones who become great doctors. We do much the same. As much as we want to do all of the perfect things for our guys we still are limited by what we currently understand. We also get better with time. Now I jump on sniffles, breathing problems, and any other changes, and we take them straight to our trusted vet. We read a lot and try to keep up on the latest in rabbit and cat medicine (the two animal types we have here). We learned early on to bring them indoors, have regular checkups, and watch them like a hawk for any irregularities. We can thank our early pets for this knowledge. You will one day thank Nova and your other pets that you know much more about furkid problems. There is no need to feel guilt about this as long as you are trying your best, as you are. Instead, thank Nova for this gift that you will share with future pets. Bless you and may your grief lessen in time.

Take care,
Ken Albin

Ken, fuzzysmom, kittymomma, LoveThem, mykittygirl, k9pal, LuvLabs, toonie, paris - thank you so much! You're all extremely thoughtful and caring.

I continue to feel distracted and disjoined since going back to work this week. My world is upside down. I don't want the world to continue to move forward. Every second that passes is a second that Nova doesn't get to play with his buddy Jade. It's a second that we can't hold him or that he can't look at me like 'hey, feed me you idiot!" He fetches. I never knew cats could do that but Nova could. I found his toy that he's kept since we got him three years ago. My wife and I broke down again. I'm just a mess.

I told my wife today that Nova's last painful hour is trumping the three years we spent with him in my mind. It's as if I can't bring myself to think of all the good things. I'm only focused on the 'what if's' and his last moments. I'm doing the best I can with replacing the horrible images of him suffering with all the good ones over the years. I'm struggling with it though. The sight of him laying on a sterile, stainless steel bench in a vet's office with no life in him continues to haunt me.

Time was not kind to me that night, but I'm hopeful it will be in the long run.

God is it hard.

Again folks, thank you so much for the support. I promise I'll post pictures someday. I can't right now, I'll lose it again and never get this post out.

I understand how you feel. I lost my Jorie almost 2 weeks ago and I still cry when I think about her. I miss her terribly and morn her loss daily along with her buddy Heather. I can't tell you it get's any easier even after 2 weeks but the tears don't come as often. Don't get me wrong... Istill cry for her and miss her terribly. This is a good place to come to help with the sorrow of losing your beloved pet. I will keep you in my prayers...

It will take time. Those last moments are traumatic, certainly for me they were. I could no longer have that loving feeling because I felt like I had so much let Yukon down. I was stressed and couldn't sleep but one night I semi-dreamt that he was clawing at the side of my bed and meowing in a pleading way. I interpreted that this was Yukon who wanted us to return to the state of love we had lived in all our lives, to try and put aside the bad images and the guilt that were interfering with the continuity of this love that had grown from the moment we were first together and over those 13 years. After that dream or message, I have indulged in 'imaginary' conversations with my soulmate Yukon and 'we' have concluded that had roles been reversed, that is Yukon having the responsibility of taking care of me instead, of guessing etc...that he might well have made the same mistakes, done it wrong the same way etc...we were so alike... Ask yourself, if roles had been reversed and Nova would have been the one to have the responsibility of taking care of you during such an emergency, and things would have turned for you out as they did for Nova, would you blame Nova, find fault in him or rather UNDERSTAND how much Nova tried? I BET YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND AND YOU WOULD TRY TO CONTINUE TO LOVE
NOVA in his new form, he lies quiet in your heart, there for you. Believe that.

NovaJade,
From reading your post, I have tears streaming down my eyes. I am so sorry for what you had to endure. I live on Staten Island so it sounds like we are pretty close to each other. You did all you could for little Nova and I am positive that he knows this and he loves you and is thankful that you loved him as much as you did. The last day always seems to play in your mind over and over again. It does for me-it is my worst nightmare and seems to always be at the surface of my conscious mind. But as each day goes by, you realize that you are a day closer to seeing Nova again. My deepest sympathy for what you have just went through. I know it hurts but I know that within these forums, you will find some of the best people who will understand your pain and through that, you can try to heal. I know how hard it is.
Hugs to you and your wife and little Jade during this hard time.

Oh man! I'm so sorry Novadude. I do know how you feel. My girlfriend and I got a little kitten that we fell in love with instantly. She only lived a week. We even took her, Bessy, to the vet several times but they couldn't find anything wrong. They would put some fluids in her and give us some medicine for her and send us on our way. Bessie was taken from us in a week and I was a wreck! I couldn't believe how attached I got to this kitten.

Even if you did take Nova to the vet for the shallow breathing they still might not have thought it was anything. They might not have known unless they did a battery of tests, and most of the time if the animal is pretty healthy otherwise they won't put them through that.

My Sadie used to breathe fast and shallow quite a bit when she was very little...I never thought anything about it and she was fine. Don't beat yourself up with guilt and get rid of the should ofs and could ofs. There was nothing You could have done. You have enough to deal with with the grief over the loss of your Nova.

I'm so glad that you have your wife to talk and cry with. That is very therapuetic. You also have us. None of us can take away the pain and devastation that you are going through right now, but you can be sure that we understand and are here for you to help you through it.

Take care
John B

NovaJade,

I think that when a pet dies, it can be the same as losing a human relative. But society does not account for it. You had to go back to work the next day. There is no 'funeral' with dozens of people sending flowers and cakes. Yet you are going through the same mourning process, perhaps with people saying "oh it's only a cat".

Your story was so painful to read, I can only imagine for you......

We all die, and we all wish for a quick and painless death. This doesn't always happen. Most of us have been sick and suffered physically, so it is rare for a person or animal to live an entire life without some pain. Nova may have suffered somewhat at the end, we don't know. We do know it was a short amount of time, the suffering was not because of your negligence and everything was done to save him. I am responding to your focusing in on the one hour of suffering vs. a lifetime of what I am sure was total feline happiness. A cat that has human qualities only does so as a result of some extremely wonderful human interaction.

I am praying for you. I know how you are hurting, and you are in the worst part of it right now. I know it sounds foolish, but this phase will not last forever and you will remember the good memories of Nova. Sometimes just looking at a picture or a particular item can send you into grief and crying so bad. I know, I am there at times for Orion. You can NOT blame yourself. Sometimes Vets do miss things, because to run a battery of tests on an otherwise healthy animal is just not the right thing to do. You did EVERYTHING you could for Nova and believe me you have nothing to feel guilty about. Sometimes it is just their time. God needs them for wehatever reason and though we hurt and cry, we have to believe that our furry friends/children are doing what is needed of them across the Rainbow Bridge, where we will be reunited with them when our time comes to cross.
I continue to pray for you and send warm hugs to you and your wife and Jade.
susan

NovaJade,

I am soooo sorry! Nova sounds so much like Nickels. He fetched and brought the toy back. It was so wonderful. It's hard to look at his toys, even after a year.

I pray that you soon find peace and smiles in his memories. I also pray that you are able to put the awful last moments behind the precious happy memories. In time, sounds impossible I know, it will all settle.

The guilt IS THE WORST!! It really coincided with anger in the grief process for me. In my opinion, probably more than half the wonderful people on this site have and are going through guilt. I've been on this site for over a year. I'm still healing but it's a lot better now. Half of my healing came from reading the tragedies everyone else is, and has endured. When you go through something as horribly tramatic as you and your wife experienced, it helps so much bonding with others going through the same thing. I could have gone to a therapist but that wouldn't have helped. She hadn't just lost the love of her life so how is she going to "instruct" me on my feelings. The only people that truly understood were the ones that had really been in my shoes here.

You may not be able to come here too much at first, but know when you are ready, there are so many of us here that would love to hear Nova's story and see his photos. It took me 6 months before I could even look at Nickels picture, much less, post his photo. Your grief is raw right now but know that it will get easier.

Prayers and Hugs
Michelle

Forgive my tardiness in responding to your post. I know of your sadness and guilt. We have all felt it here. You are in the company of people that understamd and will empathize with your feelings. Let me speak first of guilt. Although a normal part of the guilt process there is no room in your profuse grief for it. It will damage you, sicken you. Search yourself inside. You have loved and cared for this great creature and now in death you are "second guessing' yourself?....Let me tell you from experience, guilt will crush your soul. Please my freind....don't waste any time on it. It will prolong your grief and take it in a direction you do not want to go. Do not worry about if you can come back here and post....that is not what this is about. If you are able to you will and when YOU are ready. I feel your pain. I know what you are going through. I know the emptiness that you fell and I am truly sorry for your loss.


Take care mt freind.........

You guys are truly amazing. Thanks for your support and taking the time to post your comments. It helps...

It's been a week today and we put together a little memorial for Nova that includes his blanket and toys. We're waiting to get his ashes back and we'll feel alot better once we get them. It's still a very painful thing and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't talk with him. There will never be another 'Nova'.

I worked up the courage to pull up a couple photos. You guys don't have to comment or anything. I just wanted you to meet my buddy...

This is when we got our baby:

Just broke down a little bit posting these photos...sheesh...

Love you Nova...

One more here, at the ripe old age of three:

What a gorgeous, gorgeous cat! And that face as a kitten, oh my that does it for me. I am a wreck today too. I am having a real rough time remembering Orion, so we can give each other hugs and remember our babies together. I wish you peace.
Hugs!
susan

He is soooooooooooooo beautiful! that picture as a kitten in your hand, with him so tiny..........when you look at the expression on his face.... one can't help but smile back. And the other.......his black and white coloring.........just gorgeous.

I just wish they could be with us so much longer than they are but I guess we have to take what is given to us and be thankful for the memories we experienced with them.

They are unique individuals.......can't duplicate that. You should get more photos together and put them in the Tribute section along with your comments on what was going on at the time. I have done that for Little Guy and lately also for his sister and I find it helps to have them out there for others to see and for me to stroll down that lane time and again.

Keep in touch!

Hi - I know exactly what you are feeling and you have worded it so well. My post is on the missing cats forum, but I am positive my Zita is in spirit. I relate to the guilt and the helplessness. I found out after my Zita went missing that remains from cougar kill were buried in the neighbours yard, and as I went from neighbour to neighbour with posters we heard the same story. "Cats go missing all the time here at night - cougar get them." We have lived here for a year and a half and were completely oblivious. We could have prevented her death if we'd just kept her in at night (we have a cat door). When you talk about the sounds and images of Nova dying, I also empathize because I have even more horrible images of how my Zita passed. It just rings in my head over and over again and the only thing I can do to deal with it is to send her love every time I feel this awful pain. It's like a mantra "Zita I love you". It is the only thing I can do to focus.

Zita was also super special like Nova. I will never find a cat like her again. She exuded love and joy. She didn't deserve to die in this way. Like Nova, she was only 3 years old. Zita and her brother Zeus's birthday is February 14th. I used to take great pleasure in watching them cuddle together and it pains me to see Zeus alone.

It seems like certain "extra special" animals get taken way too soon. I would like to believe that it is because their special souls need to be shared elsewhere.

But like you, I don't want to go on without Zita. I don't want to share her, I just want her back. And because of ignorance and naivety I never will.

You did everything within your power for Nova. There is a point where things just happen and there is nothing you can do. Nova sounds super special and maybe there is a special purpose for him elsewhere in the universe....

take care of yourself

Jan

Jan

Jan, I think this is very true. I had two cats that were free to go as they wished.
Illness took them instead at 13 years old. We have lots of predators here, but i had always thought that cats could be careful and they are but as you just said, sometimes fate has other ideas. I'm very sorry for your pain.

And that's just the thing, the world and life and time are going to move on with or without you. But the guilt and sadness in me tranforms into greed. I tell Nova every day that he's missing nothing. Each day since he's past was just like all the other ones. No special events or grand celebrations. Just a static world, my world, that I refuse to move out of.

Ironically, it was my wife that talked me into getting a cat. I was always raised with dogs and still considered myself, up until a couple of years ago, as a strict 'dog guy.' But that day at the shelter was perhaps different for me than others. Nova picked me. It wasn't the other way around. I decided right then to go for two cats instead of just one. And so we also left with Jade. Why not jump into the cat world with both feet I was thinking...I suppose...

The good thoughts are slowly, very slowly, coming back. I hope the same starts to happen for you (perhaps they are already). But every now and then, an image of him suffering shoots through me and I physically have to shake them out of my head and make a conscious effort to immediately replace it with a good image of Nova. I imagine the same goes for you. At a minimum we can take solice in the fact that we're in the same boat. As little as that may seem, it is something.

I know death is the one thing we all share in common. But death seems to take logic and reason and literally throws it out the window. It's immediately replaced by grief, 'what-if's', and guilt. An interesting phenomenon indeed.

I feel exactly like that - time is moving on but life will never be the same. I am so glad for this forum because I don't think anyone around me, except my husband, really gets the intensity of my pain.

I am a dog person too and my last cat was quite indifferent, though her death was difficult in a whole other way. She slowly faded away with cancer. When I picked Zeus and Zita they came as a package deal -brother and sister. Zita gave me total joy. Having lost my other cat and also dealing with a horrible break up, she was so healing to me. I used to tell her she had to live to be at least 18 years old! My last cat died at 12 and I felt that way too young. What a shock that she won't live past 3 years old. Not just a shock, but a blow.

I was painting pictures of my animals before this happened and I had started 2 with the cats. One is of Zita and Zeus cuddled together. I don't think I will be able to continue that one for a very long time, if ever.

I always thought I was pretty philisophical about death. But as soon as something like this happens I doubt all of my beliefs - what if she isn't in a better place? People want to believe that Zita didn't suffer at the and say that cougar attacks are fast, but what if this one was long and painful? The other philosophy that I begin to question is that it is "their time". What if it wasn't her time, but my ignorance that created this time for them to go? Whatever philosophy I choose, I can't change the fact that Zita is gone. I guess we create beliefs to help us to cope. I do believe special cats must go to special places. I can't imagine the spirit world not recognizing how these particular souls are so exceptional...

I think it is how we use our pain that is important. I think we need to grieve and to share empathy. Pain can cause us to crawl into a hole, but over time, maybe we can use it motivate us to creating something positive. Right now I'm not sure what because it is all too close, but maybe it will become more clear as time passes.

Jan.

I couldn't agree with you more.

Nova is absolutely gorgeous! It is so hard to watch these little babies from so close to birth live out their lives. It hurts so much. Going through the pictures invokes so much. Nova was a beauty! I am so sorry.

Nova's dad,

I looked at the photo of Nova and wow, what a gorgeous, gorgeous cat! His fur is beautiful, and yes, I can see how this cat is very human-like. His expression in the eyes....

Nova is a bright star....when you look at the sky at night, one of the stars out there is your Nova.

His coat was even softer than it looks...my wife and I couldn't help but bury our faces right in his white, cloud-like tummy....He loved it...He was so affectionate (some would say downright needy..lol). Whenever my wife was on the couch, he would jump up and just throw himself right down on her. He was such a good boy...

We continue to miss him dearly.

Thanks for all the support folks!

nova's dad,

i am so sorry for your loss. 3 years just doesn't seem like enough. remember, quality not quant*ity. i can feel your emotions through your words and can tell you and your wife loved that kitty enormously. i began posting here a few weeks ago, one week after my eddie passed. i couldn't stop crying, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't focus. tomorrow marks one month, since he's been gone. i still cry everyday but i do feel like i am getting better and better. you will too, though i know it feels like you will never. these furbabies have stolen our hearts, we have loved them like our loved ones. keep thinking of the funny little, nova-isms and continue to post pictures of him. what a beauty! posting pics, i've found to be extremely therapeutic.

i keep thinking of the rainbow bridge story(petloss.com) and meeting my eddie again one day. helps keep me going. their spirits live on within us and the memories are ours forever.

take care.
~eddies mom

I lost my "daughter", Miss Kitty, on October 23. She had been through many health problems but was doing well at the time. Only days before, we had been again cleared for travel by our vet. The night before she went, she had developed a bit of a sick tummy. When it hadn't cleared up by early afternoon the next day, I called the vet and made plans to bring her in for a shot of Reglan to help her tummy. We left the house around 1:30 and arrived at vets just before 2. Miss Kitty had gotten herself into her carrier - Upon arrival and opening the carrier, she was nearly unresponsive. They immediately brought her to the back and took her blood pressure. It was 50. Yes, 50. She had had some hypertension thus normal for her had been running 160 to 170. And now it was 50. They worked on her a lot for hours. After about the first hour I was allowed to come back to be with her. It was also in hopes that it would help her. At one point, when I was talking with her and sang her her "kitty song", things actually started looking promising as her blood pressure climbed all the way to 64. But then it went back down into the 50s. This was after so many shots of things like epinepherine. Nothing was bringing it up. She was on oxygen the whole time there with a little tube that one of us held up to her little nose. She was essentially holding her own though.

I guess it was around 5 and the office was closing and the people who worked there had to go home. They asked me what I wanted to do at that point and said I could take her home or over to the very nearby emergency room. There was not much, if any, hope of her surviving if I took her home at that point so I asked them if there was any chance if we brought her over to the ER. They pointed out that she was holding her own for the most part and we agreed we had to give her that chance. Now comes the part I so regret.

One of the vet techs drove us to the ER in my car. Another one followed so she could get back to her car. The ER was only about 4-5 minutes away. This became one of the worst 5 minutes of my life. Once Miss Kitty was taken off the oxygen, (and I still don't understand why they couldn't have sent one with us!), she couldn't breathe. She began gasping and getting scared. We rushed to the car with me holding her wrapped in a towel. She let out some raspy gasping sounds as we drove and stopped breathing altogether a couple of times. I was panicking and the girls were telling me what to do and helping give her CPR as we drove. Her little face was becoming all contorted and she was scared.

We got into the ER and they took her from me. I made them wait a half second while I kissed her little face as I knew I might not see her alive again and wanted to kiss her one more time that she could know about it. They would not allow me to go back with her no matter how much I insisted it would help her.

After a while they told me I should have them stop trying and giving her cpr. The doctor acted like I was cruel to continue attempts for her survival. I told them again I had to wait to hear from our regular vet. It had been his day out in the field and the vet office we spent the day at was the office of our backup vet. The backup vet office was wonderful but our regular vet had known Miss Kitty almost her entire life and had in fact saved her life several times over the years. There were also some procedures to be followed if she died as she was to be taken to a special research facility if that occurred. This ER doctor was refusing to assist with that. Her regular vet works with this ER's "sister" ER in another town and has much clout so he needed to let them know to do it. Calls were put in to him but he was still out in the rural field.

A very long 15 or 20 minutes after we got to the ER, our vet called me on the ER's telephone. He told me he had looked at all the readings and had spoken with the folks there to get all pertinent facts. I asked him what I should do and he said we needed to let her go this time. I knew if he said that then there was truly no chance. I knew this vet had always wanted to save her almost as much as I had. So if he said it then it must be so. He also told me to tell the ER doctor that he was okay with the extra procedures and that he should do them and to let him know if he continued to say no.

I let the ER folks know all this and even though she was being taken off life support, they would not allow me to be with her right away. She was pretty much fully gone by the time they allowed me to the back with her. I apologized to her for not being there. I apologized for bringing her to this ER. I feel now that had there been any way to know what would happen, we would have been so much better off to put her to sleep right there at the backup vets where she was calm and surrounded by love.

Anyways, the reason I write all this is that I too have issues with that last hour. It does so often feel like it almost negates everything that went before it. It feels like I messed up so badly in the end. It feels pretty horrible actually. I never wanted her to suffer or be scared and in the end, I panicked and allowed myself to be kept away from her. It feels like I let her down in the end.

Also, we just don't know why things went as they did. She had been doing good. I keep wondering how much it might have had to do with a medication she was on. She had, months before, been on this one plus another and had had a bottoming out episode. We had thought it most likely the other med or the combination of that and this one but still, I allowed and in fact even volunteered the usage of this med again when the cardiologist was going to put her on daily baby asprin. I'd asked if maybe this drug was a better one and offered that we still had a non-expired full bottle of it. She said yes it was better and prescribed it instead of the asprin. So if it was due to the med, then I actively contributed to her demise.

I had spent decades protecting this little girl. I would truly have done anything in the world for her. I have never loved anyone or anything so much as her. She taught me how to love. She gave me everything that was good in my life. My life worked around and with her for almost 19 years. She was so much more than a "pet" or even a friend. She was my partner and my reasons for continuing anything at all. She was my motivation and my heart.

The yearning for her is almost unbearable at times. I am not a depressive person nor a suicidal one but I do know that if something came up, I probably would not try very hard to save myself these days. I just hope that someday we can be together again. I don't believe anything or anyone will ever matter to me as she has - and that is probably in a way a very good thing. I always knew I was probably almost too close with my kitty but that never stopped me. She was the most precious and special little being I have ever had the priviledge of knowing.

If only that last hour had not been so horrible. I wish I could have done better for her at that time. I so regret the choices made that hour. And I wish I could wipe it from my mind. But I can't. And I just hope she forgives me for it. I never ever meant any harm to her ever. I just loved her so very very much. And still do. And almost certainly always will.

Dear Devastated: These are the kind of stories that one cannot read without crying throughout. I am so very sorry about Miss Kitty. I noticed you just joined. It might help if you begin a new topic here about you and Miss Kitty..that way people will know where to find you so they can comfort you as best they can. There is a lot of caring and sharing here. The name you picked..devastated...completely fits this story. I don't have the words now I would want to say but I do want to find you again and talk to you.

Take Care..........you have been through a horrible experience. And there are many here who can help start the healing process. You are still in the very dark moments of this sadness. We always suggest to cry, to vent, to keep coming and writing your thoughts..............it really does help over time.

Little Guy's Mom

devastated,

I can completely relate to both your feelings and your thoughts. The pain comes in waves, from painful to unbearable for me. The day after Nova passed away, I remember just sitting on the floor in my living room, completely numb. I was, simultaneously, extremely mournful and cried out, angry and sad, guilty and...well guilty. All these emotions seemed to cancel themselves out and at one point I just sat there, staring at a frozen wall. I didn't even want to think.

I felt like nothing mattered.

Sometimes, when I think about Nova, I still feel that way.

I want to give you words of encouragement, but I haven't found them yet.

All I can give you is this: I know.

I can be as philisophical as anything about my Zita, but I still wake up in the night like I'm in a nightmare and I can't accept it's true. I have moments of acceptance, then suddenly that all goes out the window and it's "why her", "why me". I've paid two animal psychics and heard their stories and I'm still not really satisfied with the answers. Maybe I never will be. The self-blame thing is such a hard one to overcome and so easy to fall back on. But as someone said to me last night "Guilt is a complete waste of energy." That might be true, but as you said earlier, these are not rational times....

Thank you. And yes, you do know. I wish for you that you didn't but yes, you do. I don't know if it will ever get easier. Frankly I'm not even sure that I want it to.

Everything else seems so trivial - and really always did when placed in light of Miss Kitty. I think it was always largely because of her that I've been a person with such an easy time not getting caught up in "stupid human tricks" and have found it relatively easy to maintain discipline and dedication to things many others would have given up on. She was the important beam of light lighting the way and if it could benefit her then it was important and if it had nothing to do with her then it was quite trivial.

Right now, I have a few projects for and about her. I am making some "memory books" for some people who particularly cared about her and/or were ever close with her. I am making a couple for myself too. The ones for others, in some cases, are a bit of a thank you for the effort and dedication shown to this little cat. We were privileged to have some of the best vets anyone could ever hope for and two of them, especially her main one, cared dearly for her so I want to give them something like this. But when these are done, I am again faced with the "now what?" as so much else seems so small, trivial and insignificant.

Thank you again - and if you read the intro I have now posted, you will see that it was you who brought me to this board so thank you for that also.

Thank you. I have now posted something of an intro. "Everything is hers" is the one. I hope it didn't become too long but once I got started I just kept going. This is all probably somehow good for me as I've always been a person to write things and since she has been gone, well actually even during this past year with all the health issues too, until today I've not written anything at all about it all, not even in my little online journal. I'd started a few paragraphs for one of the memory books I am working on but stopped after only writing a bit and an outline. Thus once I got started in that intro I just sort of let myself keep going. Again I hope it isn't too long and thus also rude and obnoxious for a newbie here but it just kind of came out that way. Its probably good in a way to start seeing my usual long winded self appearing.

PS - it is now 2:30 am, (I am very much a night person), and I am alone in this house. It seems so stark and empty and this is the kind of time and place I find myself missing her the most. I just want my baby. And that seems to be the one thing I cannot have right now. There is nothing to console this yearning aside from her.

I'll be picking up Nova's ashes tomorrow from the vet. I miss him dearly. I'm putting together a memory book in the meantime.

My wife has already mentioned getting a 'playmate' for Jade. I can't right now. Nova can't be replaced. I hope this doesn't cause an issue between us....

Devastated: Write as much as you need to. There are no rules when trying to cope with grief. Pictures...words...whatever it takes to help us get through the sad and lonely times. You mentioned being a night person and how empty it seems. Everytime I walk into our empty home, day or night, it hits me how empty it is.
If I was by myself..I believe I would have probably filled the home already with another one...not to replace my Little Guy...but a little bit of fluff to make me smile and demand attention, thinking they are the only ones in the world and you just gotta pay attention to them. The time will come but I want to wait until we are both ready here..it would be fairer to a new baby.

So when you are there at night and it is quiet..until you are ready to maybe bring in another who needs love and attention...use this forum and write to your baby and say how you feel. Take Care.....they never leave our hearts.

NovaJade: you mentioned your wife wants a playmate for Jade and said Nova can't be replaced and hope this is not an issue between you.......

You are right...Nova can NEVER BE REPLACED! When you take another into your home...they cannot be and never will be "replacements". They are just another who needs to feel loved by someone and are an "addition". Maybe it would help your wife's grief to be distracted by another. That does NOT mean she would ever ever forget Nova..but we all grieve in our own way and if one's way is a little different that does not mean it is wrong.

It might help Jade also...who must be wondering where Nova is and you can't explain the absence.

Just think about it and please, do not ever THINK of the word "replace"..that is just not possible. Take Care.........

Nova and Jade's Dad,

Firstly, I'm so very sorry about the sudden passing of Nova and the heartbreak losing him has naturally brought with it. Before I say more, I'd like to tell you that Nova was/is one of the most beautiful cats I've ever seen (I'm quite choosy in my preferences)...but oh my...my heart simply melted, and unlike the more common reaction, this was especially upon seeing his older picture. What a gorgeous boy! He has the most beautiful face, as well as his striking colouring and pattern.

Secondly, I just wanted to offer a referral to a product I'd just posted about in another forum here, that I think might do Jade some good as you all try to adjust to the void Nova's departure has left behind. The listed product would be for Jade, but if you follow the link to the entire "Flourish" line of products, you'll also find one called "Grief Relief" that you and your wife could use to help you both start to integrate all these feelings and changes into your emptier 'new normal.' (for cats, these products must be properly diluted first, and I've posted how to do this under other flower essence topics....or you could just view Teresa Wagner's site or ask the F.E.S. people about how to do that properly for a feline being)

I offer this resource especially in light of the fact that, like me, you aren't yet prepared to distract yourself from your necessary pain by adopting anyone else right away in an effort to 'fill that hole', and therefore you might greatly benefit from some natural aids to take a bit of the 'edge' off. As well, naturally, any animal who's lost their pal usually needs help in integrating and adjusting while they grieve, too, so this could be a real boon to Jade healing successfully as well.

You can find this information here.

Others have already offered much in the way of understanding, so just know that I, too, know how it is and went through much of this myself when my darling girl's (Nissa) brother (Sabin) passed quite suddenly almost 8 years ago. It was SHE who got me through that, and other subsequent losses, trials and tribulations, and now I'm dealing with having lost her, too, with no one else (furry) left. So please believe me when I say that Jade likely holds a very big key to your eventual healing and if you honour the process you and he/she (sorry, I'm not sure what gender Jade is....must have missed that somewhere) are now joined in, I'm sure you'll both find many, many blessings and lovely surprises in your relationship down the road....more than you can possibly imagine today, whether you ever adopt again or not.

I am sorry for you! It is impossible to understand how we are to survive this horrible grief. I am trying to myself. I will think of you.
annie's mom

Novajade - How are you doing with christmas coming up and all that? Me, well, I wish it would just go away or something. Trying to ignore it as best I can I suppose. Thanksgiving was more our thing though and that was difficult in itself. I hope you are finding comfort and company in this whole holiday thing. At least it gets over soon, right?

HI NovaJade,

Today is the first time I have seen your posting. I haven't been here since last year when I lost my very old cat. I have been so lucky to have had so many years.

I cant express how I felt reading your story. I will never take for granted one single minute I have with mine again.

The pictures of your baby look identical to my Aspen as a kitten. Aspens black mark goes through the other eye. I guess thats why your story touched me so much. Yes I'm a guy...a very tender sensitive one when it comes to my cats.

I pray your family of humans and pets is healing.

Pepe and Aspen's dad

It's been awhile now and on a day-to-day basis, I'm fine. But at night when I start to fall asleep, I begin to think about Nova. I do this every night and it takes me a long time before I fall asleep. It's those quiet moments alone that are real killers. I still ask God 'why'? And then I find myself cursing at him....

...I still do this, even after a few months.

I haven't even considered another cat. I still can't. I have Nova's ashes on my bookcase but I have not put together a scrapbook or looked for old photos or videos. I don't know why. I bought a photo album, photo paper, even extra color ink...but nothing.

I suppose it's still part of the whole process.

I know this reply is so late, but if you get it - thank you so much. And yes, don't ever take anything these friends of ours do for granted. I know I won't. Jade is still with us and when he starts with his 'Pet me Dammit!' - I gladly do, each and every time.

And a BIG WOW to Aspen - stunning in that photo. I thought I was looking at a lion...

It's great seeing everyone's friends on this site. Thanks for sharing a photo of Aspen.

I did get another cat, not to replace Zita because that can't happen. But because her brother Zeus was lonely and this cat was just the "right" cat.

However, like you I can't do a memorial for Zita. I had started 2 paintings of Zeus and Zita before she disappeared and I don't know when or if I will complete them. A friend of mine suggested to make a memorial on our property, but I just can't do anything like that. At this point it doesn't seem to help.

But the new cat has her own relationship with Zeus, much different than Zita who used to cuddle and love everyone. Ziggy plays with Zeus and they do like each other so I feel better knowing he isn't so lonely.

It doesn't replace Zita, nothing will.

Jan

I started crying reading your post. Not sure why but I think it has something to do with letting go a little.

But also holding on.

I envy you to a certain extent. You have managed to fill the void but at the same time, you realize nothing can fill the void. Me? I'm in still in a state of utter void. It kills me in the morning when I leave for work - to shut the door as I see Jade staring back at me, lonely.

Or at least I think he is. Jade's a strong cat though. My wife and I pondered if it were Jade that left us behind and Nova was the one left alone. There's no way Nova could have survived we're convinced. He thrived on contact; human or otherwise. And I love both of them for those very reasons.

Jan,

Thanks for the response. I know Jade should have a buddy. It's the very reason why I specifically got two cats from the shelter originally. But this is Nova's house! Only he can approve - I can't.

How did you know Zita approved of Ziggy being in her house? I don't mean to dig up any emotional struggles you went through, but rather to understand the moment you decided it was, to use your word, "right."

I looked again at your beautiful photos of Nova. What a precious baby.

In your last post you said:
I know Jade should have a buddy. It's the very reason why I specifically got two cats from the shelter originally. But this is Nova's house! Only he can approve - I can't.


Your first 2 sentences show what you want to do. As far as your last two sentences, all I can offer is:

Nova does approve...that's what unconditional love is all about. That's what he gave you and that's why he would never want you to be sad about anything. If he was able to stay with you, he would have NEVER left you but something beyond his and all our control decides these things. If he can't be with you...his unconditional love would want you to do what makes you smile (and it's hard not to do that when you look at a new baby). He would not want you to suffer in any way. So it stands to reason that he does approve of Jake having a friend, of you moving on...because he knows he is a part of you and in your heart forever and you will never ever forget him or not miss him but you have room for another who will help you to heal.

As to your question about Zita's Mom's comment about getting the "right" cat...I just adopted one from a no-kill shelter and when I looked into his eyes...it felt right and I knew. I picked him up. I sat with him in my lap and he was contented and so was I.
But he couldn't take his eyes off of me and that contact made me feel I wanted to give him a home and the love he was lacking and get that special feeling of love from him in return. When you find him or her...you will get that feeling of it being right. I just remember thinking "I want him" and for a second I felt whole again. I went home and told my husband that I had found a cat that I wanted to bring home. He said if I found one that made me happy to go get it and I did. He's not perfect and he will never ever replace what I had but he has his own ways and we will have new memories and I can look at him without pain and that also makes it feel right.

Look into your heart..after all Nova is in there and can be happy only when he knows you feel the peace you need. Good Luck in your decision. Please don't agonize over it....Nova gave you unconditional love and that means he would not want you suffering over something you had no control over. We make the final decisions but we are not really deciding what happens...it was decided for us the day their quality of life changed.