Wow. This pain is incredible. It's been so bad lately that I never even had the strength to reply to all those kind members (you know who you are) who responded to my thread about Nissa's 6th anniverary....my apologies, but it was SO bad, I just couldn't even write back. But I'm so grateful to all of you who responded with compassion for me! The support was very welcome indeed. The other reason I couldn't bring myself to write again was because I didn't get a 'direct' message from my darling girl the night I went to the Spiritualist event....some hints that she and her brother were around, and I think Sabin came through very briefly in one of the readings, but my girl didn't at all.....so I crashed badly after that. She was, of course, the reason I went. Today, I feel a need to write about what's been going on within me.

This roller coaster has gotten so much more intense lately, I'm feeling like maybe a manic-depressive person might feel...it better just be the grief, as I sure don't need any MORE problems to have to deal with! Any of the few 'highs' that I might temporarily experience are matched in equal measure with 'lows' that are of the same intensity. It's as if a totally equal balance between the two is trying to establish itself. MAN, it's rough going!! I've never gone up and down so fast and with such regularity as I've been doing lately! For just having such bad grief thrust upon me, at the same time that peri-menopause is rearing its head......I'd just BETTER be one tough cookie, to survive grief PLUS concurrent hormonal issues! (just in the space of writing these paragraphs, I've gone up and down twice already)

I also just heard from my first, and best, communicator (Heidi Peters, who has legally changed her name now, too!) and am so 'down' to hear she is "complete" with animal communication and won't be returning to it, and unfortunately doesn't recommend anyone else in particular, either. So there goes another hope I'd been keeping alive all these years.

That segues right into my main pain - that of feeling so much anguish and panic over both the present and future, and of having to mourn the loss of a lifestyle and the role I played in it (as Mommy to my girl/her brother), the loss of the hope for things within that life to improve while Nissa was still here, and most hugely, the ending of the entire era of any kind of family life (both my own personal one, and my family of origin, whom I pretty much lost in '04). All that keeps hitting me is that I'm not at the end of my chronological life yet (as far as I know), and yet everything's just GONE already!

There are no more chances for anything within the life I knew. It's all just gone, gone and DONE!!....and I can't face it. HOW CAN IT ALL BE OVER, JUST LIKE THAT?!?! I've never been so scared in my whole life, and there were plenty of things that happened to be scared of, but this tops the list. I'm not only feeling totally adrift, but terrified of drowning, and terrified of having to stick around and NOT quickly drown! Every sight I see, every sound I hear, every smell, every action I do.....it all reminds me of what seems like the last 'leg' of my life....my time with Nissa, who was all I had left, family-of-my-own-wise. Yes, I still have my husband, and I'd be insane if I lost him, too....but it just feels like only he and I DON'T make up a "family"....MY family. I have all this 'freedom' to do as I please now, but it feels like a prison. And I've been noticing that every time I might feel a little bit okay, or even good, about that relative freedom....the survivor's guilt for that okay moment takes right over. I can't win.

The intellectual understanding of all this just isn't making a dent because I FEEL so bad...like there's nothing of any real importance left, nothing as important, as wonderful, as fulfilling, as Heaven-like, as was having my kids to love. The longer this goes on, the more I don't believe that I could ever go through this again, with anyone new....only with my own kids, reincarnated to me, and only late enough in life that I wouldn't HAVE to live much longer than they when I lost them again.

I know I'll probably go on...what else can I do? But right now, my present is filled with dread, knowing we never entirely rid ourselves of this pain that lies awake and ready to be stirred into consciousness without warning. Even if it DOESN'T last as long each time it stirs, the thought of the probability of never, ever feeling as peaceful or content again.....oh my....it's just too much to cope with.

Furkidlets' Mom,

I am so glad I just checked in...I typically don't during the day while working but something made me do it between calls...

I don't know what to say other than that I am so sorry you're hurting so much right now. We rely so much when in pain on things to keep us going - a message from our babies, animal communicators... HOPE. When hope goes, it's an awful road.

You sound so scared, and I know what you mean about "freedom". I would give anything to return to being mom again and having the time with mine, no matter how consuming it was. It's out of love, and it was my purpose. And I'm sure even if I had a husband, I would feel the same way. I don't know what to do with myself much of the time.

You really have done an amazing job of facing it already. You are a tremendous help to us with our grief, always with kind and insightful words. We need you, because you give us so much consolation because of your own experience.

I know there are so many downs, and that it's so hard. But with every down, an up will inevitably follow it. My hope for you is that you will feel peaceful and content again... maybe not like it was during that special time with your babies, but enough that you go on because you want to, not because you have to.

I am sending you a huge hug and lots of light...

Jen (M&M's Mom),

It was such a help just hearing someone accept that I sound scared....cuz yes, I sure am. I'm so glad you 'checked in', despite your busy day!

When I feel like I do now, I can't believe that anyone thinks I've done anything for them, as I feel so useless and pointless, so thank you very much for the commendations....ones I don't think I even deserve. I find others' posts to be so much more helpful than my own!

I thank you for that wish for me, because that's about all that's going to really work, isn't it? And right now, it's only the "have to" in my heart. It's truly hard to feel this vulnerable, and even to express that to others. I've always been looked upon as such a "strong" person, yet now I feel anything but.

Both mediums at that Spiritualist event told me that I really was surrounded by SO much love from the other side and that those spirits were helping me and sending me so much support....but when I feel like this, it only sounds like alot of fancy, well-intentioned words. (although it helped some to hear that my Mother is so sorry about how "hard" she was with me while on earth) I suppose, if it's true, then I must 'meet them half-way' in their effort to support me, but I don't know exactly HOW to do that. I just feel like I'm so incredibly alone.

And tonight we went to a free theatrical play from my H's work. I insisted on leaving just after the second half was underway, though. I couldn't take it anymore. This play was so cruel....especially to animals, and most especially to cats. The sound of people around us laughing their fool heads off about a cat being deliberately killed for profit almost made me puke! (they call THIS "culture"?!?!?) Then they had an integrated film on killing sharks (and calling them "fish", the fools!). And a scene with a mother dying of liver cirrhosis (one of the things my own Mother had). And this was supposed to be a comedy! Then another scene of a crippled man dying from a lung disease (reminded me of my beloved Sabin). One memory of sorrow after another. I wanted to scream. Even the free liquor didn't help dull the pain.

And all this, after hearing some spokesperson from the Toronto Humane Society today, on radio, speaking ill of new, progressive business in Calgary, called "Pet Heaven" (cremations, ministerial services for full-service pet funerals, etc.), saying people should give their money (full services were only about $100) to a (kill) shelter, such as themselves, instead and just bury their animals in their own yards! The self-serving #!!@***'s!! I almost HONKED!! Some spokesperson for the validation of animals' worth!!! I'm so disgusted and fed up with society, it's killing me. I just sat there, shaking my head, wondering what the hell I was doing on this planet....so different, so opposite to most people.

So many don't think, about anything. All this doesn't help, when I'm already so down. All this, in one lousy day alone, really makes me wonder what I'm here for, when it seems like such a hopeless situation overall. When those who are supposed to be speaking for those who can't speak for themselves are denigrating honouring them......what hope is there? Who could I possibly ever meet who isn't a hypocrite, too? And why would I even want my own precious babies to come back into a world such as this, even IF they were with me again? They are worth so much more than this world can offer. It's too scary out there for them to return here. And most humans are such fools, who wouldn't recognize a miraculous thing if it slapped them across the face. I hate it here and I'd prefer to be given a chance to leave.

Most of the time, I really can't say all I truly think, because no one wants to hear the truth about how things really are, so for the most part I keep it to myself. For the same reason, no one knows how much I know about things. Even I wish I didn't know all that I do. This world is so dishonest and has deliberate blinders on, and there's nothing I can do or say to change any of that. Some of the greatest minds and biggest hearts in history have tried, and failed (Schweitzer, Einstein, Ghandi, etc.), so who's going to listen to me? So really, what's the point? I've already done the greatest thing I could personally do, that being making my kids' lives the best they could have been, given my own limitations...so what else IS there? I feel like I've just given up the fight and there's nothing left in me but pain.

FK's mom

I'm so sorry things have been so rough for you lately. I know that you have several things you need to do for Nissa's memorials and things like that, and for the most part you have been able to "put them off" through the winter, and somewhat, put off your grief. I think that is part of why this is getting to you so much more now, because its almost spring. Soon you will be faced with Nissa's burial and I think you're just now coming to terms with the Finality of her death.

Friday will be 3 months since I lost Alley and the thought of that makes me want to go crawl in a hole somewhere and give up. Like you said, I often wonder why I'm still here. People in the world with their careless att*itudes just make me so angry. If only there could be more people who were more like our cats.

Never be afraid to say what you really feel. Chances are, we feel it too. It has been harder for me to post lately too. Every time I read someone's thread, that grief soaks into me like its my own and sometimes it just becomes too painful. But then I think about how great everyone was, and is, when I make a post and I don't want anyone else coming along and being "ignored". Its a very fine line and you have to strike a balance between helping people, and helping yourself.

Thinking of you and Nissa girl.

Nissa's Mommy

I'm so sorry you are feeling bad honey. It is a roller coaster, good one day and bad the next, or like you, one minute to the next. It's hard to find reasons to go on.

Now I don't want to sound all 'positive' and crap, but well maybe I'm gonna. Focusing on the bad, what is lost, what you no longer have, is maybe not the way to feel better. Of course maybe you want to feel crappy and that's okay too. A wise man, Mr. Alan Cohen (I really recomened his books) said: The more you fight, the crappier you feel. Like I said, if you want to feel crappy, it's okay.

I still have my crappy times too, nothing will take them away, there are things that will help.

To feel better you will need to focus on what you have, like your husband, and what you can still create. I try to watch what I read and see on TV, to focus my thoughts on good things. This site is good too, some really bad things happen but OMG so many wonderful, understanding and really beautiful people here. My world feels better after a vist here.

One last thought, another wise man, Greg Levoy, said:


Love

Hang in there! We all know how you feel. Thank you for always being so encouraging to others. We are here for you!

Boogi

Paula,

Yes, almost spring....gawd. In fact, today I woke up to the sound of the 'honkers' (Canada Geese) outside our window....and I wanted to just die. I'd written about this once before, about how that sound always made me depressed, ever since Sabin left us. It no longer heralded the happiness of warmer weather and outside time, but only made me feel the absence of Sabin's go-get 'em 'spring fever'....and I never got over that melancholy whenever I heard the goosies honkin' up a storm. Even when I tried to focus on the fact that NISSA was still here to drag me around for spring sniffs and all....it was always mixed with that melancholy, too. Now?......oooooohhhhhh, the pain is so, so bad! I LOVE all the wildlife we have right at our doorstep, but those sights and sounds now....I don't think I can stand them. And those goosies will be honking for the next 2 or 3 months at least! Where I'm supposed to PUT all this pain, I truly don't know, but I see myself being brought to my knees with it, every day, for God knows how long.

And Nissa's burial?....I can' barely even think about that day, remembering how Sabin's totally felled me when we finally got to it. I wanted everyone in the entire neighbourhood to be magically GONE as we laid his body to rest, for all the wailing I was doing, not able to contain one iota of it. And again, the only thing that got me through the day? - my darling girl, acting normal, though, Little Grey Smartie that she always was, she holed up to nap upstairs.....right up until we were done the entire service...then came down to help her Mom come 'alive' again. NOW who's going to do that for, and with, me?!

All I can think of is how I never even wanted to haul them here in the first place. They hated it here, compared to where we started out and it took them quite awhile to settle in....but it was NEVER as good as 'home'. And yet the bulk of their lives ended up being spent here. And now it's just me left, out of our team of 3...all alone in this house, their yard, the riverbank. Nevermore to romp in the grass, listen for mousies scurrying, go for pokes along the riverside, no one to bring plates of food to outside, curl up with in Nissa's shady 'cave', crawl into my baggy clothes for a lie-down on the grass.....a million things, firsts, that I just don't know what to do with. I don't want to be spending the whole spring and summer bawling my eyes out, but I can't see how I WON'T be, either. I've never had NO ONE furry to 'lean' on. Nissa was the one who got me through everything. I don't just want her....I NEED her, just as sure as I need air.

This IS my time to lean on others. And you're right, it's a very fine line. That's why I haven't been able to give as much help lately. Thanks for the permission to talk about whatever is bothering me. That really and truly helps. I just need to be reminded of that every so often...that it's okay and acceptable. Thanks, Paula, for sticking by me. You're not furry, but you've got the heart of a cat!

Lori,

As you often do, you did make me chuckle. Your positivity IS actually welcome at times!

Yes, I like Alan Cohen's stuff, not that I remember what I've read by him now!....but I know I liked it. And yes, what you say is true, all of it. I know this, you know this, and we both know we both know this. I just don't seem to be able to drum it up right now, so that I can feel a bit better. In a way, I think it might even be the "fighting" to be more positive and hopeful that's exhausting me. In a way, doing that is NOT being accepting of the sorrow and fear. So, just like helping and being helped, it's another fine line to walk.

I'm just all over the place lately, and not liking it.

I do have trouble with focussing on what I want to see, especially since The Law of Attraction says that you need not limit, in any way, what you CAN create.....and that would, of necessity, also include those things that we on this earthly plane like to think are impossible to create, and have, in abundance. So I don't want to JUST focus on 'what's left', as that would be limiting what I shouldn't limit.

I do, however, think that my fears of NOT being able to create what I really want are too strong yet, and so that's what I'm being sent instead....just what I'm focussing on....that immutable law. So fighting to change this inside is creating its own set of anxieties. Gad, I can go up and down with THIS stuff, too, a million times a day! I do like what Greg Leroy said, though. That's a good way to refocus, and I'll try my best to remember it (okay....focus on having a GOOD memory again!).

Thanks, Lori, for trying so hard to help me out. You and Paula are real 'mainstays' here on LS...not just for me, but for everybody.....but no pressure! I actually try to be careful to NOT say that too often to certain people....cuz I know sometimes that can lead to a feeling of obligation to help when one's not up to it. So please, both of you, take it as just the compliment it's meant to be, and know that it HAS helped to always find you both here, to listen, to offer whatever you can at the time. That's GOLD.

And me?....I just got SLASHED in the leg by that darn Maggie-girl! (I'm trying not to feed her now and she doesn't LIKE it!!) Sigh......she's sure not at ALL like my Nissakins. Better go and see....I think she's trying to open the cupboard!

"There are no more chances for anything within the life I knew. It's all just gone, gone and DONE!!....and I can't face it. HOW CAN IT ALL BE OVER, JUST LIKE THAT?!?! I've never been so scared in my whole life, and there were plenty of things that happened to be scared of, but this tops the list. I'm not only feeling totally adrift, but terrified of drowning, and terrified of having to stick around and NOT quickly drown! Every sight I see, every sound I hear, every smell, every action I do.....it all reminds me of what seems like the last 'leg' of my life....my time with Nissa, who was all I had left, family-of-my-own-wise. Yes, I still have my husband, and I'd be insane if I lost him, too....but it just feels like only he and I DON'T make up a "family"....MY family. I have all this 'freedom' to do as I please now, but it feels like a prison. And I've been noticing that every time I might feel a little bit okay, or even good, about that relative freedom....the survivor's guilt for that okay moment takes right over. I can't win."

I really feel for you. It's so hard when your entire family dynamic changes. And pets fill such a unique void in all our lives, and makes so hard to not "dwell" on (as non pet lovers would say.). Especially for you losing two and like you said, all being gone. I know it's so hard to move past......or maybe just "through."

I think everyone here understands your pain and loss. Someone responded to my post that their cat puked all over the house and they had to clean it up everyday. But they wish they were still doing it. So, you aren't alone in your thoughts about having new freedom.......yes you don't have to worry about pets and can do as you please, but you give anything not have that freedom.......because the joy of Nissa was worth any "freedom" to you. I get it, I think others get it. We can't take the pain away here, but we can support each other. ....I just wanted to let you know that I can emphathize with all your feelings, and I am sending happy thoughts your way today......


I've had survivors gulit too. But we all can move forward with that Nissa, Misty, and everyone's pets would want us to be happy, and would thank us ten times over for the excellent care we provided. Be proud of all you did for her, it sounds like you were an awesome parent, and find some comfort in that as well.

Lots of Hugs, Misty's Mama

I think that is truly the nicest and BEST compliment anyone has ever given me!



"With their qualities of cleanliness, discretion, affection, patience, dignity, and courage, how many of us, I ask you, would be capable of becoming cats?"
- Fernand Mery Her Majesty the Cat

Had to come back and tell you what Maggie did, the little sneak. I heard a crash, and she'd opened the cupboard where the last of the dry (yes, I know...dry bad, but Nissa DID eat a tiny bit each day) food is, the bag opened (or she figured that one out, too) and spilled a whole whack on the floor, in the cupboard, under the fridge. Pretty ingenious she is, and determined! I had to sort of chuckle, but I was trying not to 'reward' her for being a little thief, especially so soon after she'd slashed my leg! So, she got her little snack anyway...boy-oh-boy....what a mooch! I guess that's all I'm gonna get for giving her nip, attention, playtimes, etc. I told her she's now giving cats a bad name that they don't normally deserve!

And now I'm in the mood to post another pic of my well-behaved, polite and GENTLE little girl now.....no wonder! Here she is one time, late winter, playing "I'm just another birdie seed....really."

LOL! Did Nissa REALLY think the birds were gonna fall for that?? What a little sneak she was.

Maggie souns like quite a demanding girl. I'm sure it was just an accident that she spilled the whole bag on the floor. She would never do that in retaliation for your lack of attention

LOL!
Recon Cat! I could barely find her in the pic.

Isn't it great how we forgive our buddies so quickly? Simba has a habbit of going to the windows when the blinds are closed and sticking his head and paws through them to look outside. I keep most of them up at all times now but there is a couple that I keep closed that he just has to try to look out of. When I raise my voice a little to scold him he jumps down and comes over to me with that look on his face and meowing and I just melt.

Misty's Mama and Boogi,

Thanks, you two as well, for the kind thoughts and empathy! I know it's so hard for so many of us and our sharing is one of the things that helps us feel less alone, even if it can't get rid of that feeling entirely. What would we do w/o each other?!

I, too, spent many a day cleaning up vomited-up stuff and although it was tiring from the perspective of always feeling so bad for my little girl's woes....it WAS a total act of love. I could always tell she sometimes felt so badly for having made a mess, cuz she was SUCH a tidy, impeccably-clean gal who hated to be dirty, or be in dirty places. So then I'd feel even worse for her, for feeling badly about it! If I could get there quick enough, I'd learned to throw down something easier to wash (or throw out) underneath where she was going to throw up.....unless that act was bothering her, of course! Then it was carpet-be-damned and I'd just shampoo it out. Yes, it was a very small price to pay for that love so large, it couldn't be measured.

And now Maggie's come back (she'd left before), to lay in the chair that has my Nissa and Sabin picture throw draped over it. It DOES feel not only more normal, but calming, to have a cat just hangin' out here....even if it's a 'slashy and hissy' cat! I DO wish her family would feed her more than once/day!

Simba's Daddy,

We must have been cross-posting....just saw yours. Now YOU made ME chuckle! "Recon Cat".....lololol That's why we called her our Shadow Girl! I'm a very detailed-oriented and visual person, but I'm telling you.....I could be looking all OVER the place and then stupidly find her having been sitting right in front of me somewhere, blending into the shadows. It was always very amusing indeed. She never did manage to fool those birdies, though, with this trick....

You need to get a PIC of Simba II wrecking those blinds! (oh, and I assume there are no cords for him to strangle himself with, by accident? one old neighbour of ours almost lost her boy to that, so snip-snip went the scissors after that!) Yes, why IS that that it's so much easier to forgive them than to extend the same tolerance to people, I wonder? They try SO hard to teach us how to be like them.....but it's not as easy unless it's THEM we're dealing with. I guess you might say we're as stubborn as......cats!

Here is a pic of Simba thinking he is on top of the world
He is quite the jumper!

You will notice that he is eyeballing the blinds. He stands on the kitchen table and sticks his head in them... They used to be perefectly nice looking blinds... LOL

I need the cords on them so I can raise them up and down. I have them raised though and make sure there are no "loops" in them.



BTW, the top right part of the glass cabinet is where "Simba I" ashes is.

Heh-heh-heh! Simba The Eagle, up in his aerie! Those dang blinds must be taught a lesson......and GO! Who put those there, anyway? Silly humans and their silly ideas! Sheesh! Human kids, or furry kids.....our houses often end up looking very well lived in! I think I'd like to build a house with bark walls.....for easier climbing and scratching!

Both Nissa and Sabin were avid and accomplished jumpers, too. We had a 6.5ft. fence at our first home that they could scale with ease...despite their small sizes. And I had to be vigilant with one of a pair of bookcases we have, that wasn't as steady as it should have been, or I'd find Sabin 'threatening' to topple the whole darn thing over.....so Mom would have to give him a lift, then leave a chair or something nearby, for the dismount, to save our walls. Cats want to eat birds, as that old song said, and they also might not mind being able to FLY like them, either!

To cut the cords, I believe you just cut them at the bottom of the pull, so they're still useable but just not connected together at the bottom....at least that's how my neighbour's looked to me.

Glad you posted this pic - it gave me a smile! Here's another one back, of Nissa......IF you can find her!

Is that a kitty paw I see sticking out at the bottom of your shirt?
That reminds me of "Simba I" when I would take him to the vet and he hated the vet so much. One time I was wearing a T-shirt with a small chest pocket. He would stick his head in my shirt pocket trying to hide. I guess he thought that if he couldn't see anyone then they couldn't see him... it was so cute.

Oh Furkidlets Mom, I know well the fear that there is no help and no hope.

Know that you have a good spirit, that has inspired me on this site. I wish I had something to offer you, all I can tell you is I'm thinking about you and that beautiful spirit that you will be able to feel again someday. The long dark nights of the soul always offer something.

I'm still waiting...not going to hold my breath, but I know something will come from all of this pain.

Thank you for being who you are.

Maybe we should start a kitty 12 step group for cats who have lost control over their blinds. Here is my Jackson, who removed the blinds from either corner for easy access:

Well, as you can plainly see, even those of us who may be encouraging at times, can also fall flat on our faces at other times!

But the good news is - you've all helped me to feel a bit better today (even though I'm still busting into tears left, right and centre!) and I stand humbled and grateful for the love that can pour from the hearts of those here. Thank God for you all.

Oh, and both our kids did that kind of thing, too, Simba's Daddy....trying their darndest to get into our shirts or jackets, and away from the scary doc and techs! We let them, of course! Much later on I learned how to use flower essences, chants, Reiki and other stuff to calm BOTH of us down beforehand, and I swear it worked wonders!

Dawn....just saw your last post - GOOD redecorating job, Jackson!

Me, I switched to drapes they could part, roll-up blinds and the verticals they can poke their heads through easily. Their tutelage was superb! (I know I have a pic of Nissa peeking thru those verticals, but it's not loaded into the computer yet...darn.)

FK's mom

I read this poem and immediately thought of you...

To Love Again

Oh what unhappy twist of fate
Has brought you homeless to my gate,
The gate where once another stood
To beg for shelter warmth and food?

For from that day I ceased to be
The master of my destiny,
While she, with purr and velvet paw
Became within my house the law.

She scratched the furniture and shed
And claimed the middle of my bed,
She ruled in arrogance and pride
And broke my heart the day she died.

So if you really think, oh cat
I'd willingly relive all that,
Because you come forlorn and thin
Well don't just stand there - come on in!

Author unknown

Nissa's Mommy

You are welcome for anything I have said or done to help you. Thank you for being a friend and helping me too. I printed out several of Greg Levoy's saying and keep them all over the house so that when I get really down and making myself miserable I see one and can 'adjust' my thinking.

Oh I love the pictures of Nissa 'hiding'! Gosh it's hard to find her, she is so cute in the birdfeeder. I see the little gray paw, LOL. She was such a beauty.

Simba's Daddy

Oh Simba II is an 'up' kitty, I can tell! He has done a great job with the blinds, they look very well used. LOL What a beautiful place to keep Simba's ashes.

Dawn (Jake's Mommy)

Well Jackson has done a wonderful job with the blinds too! They are so good and it! Jackson is a beauty too.

Alley's Mama

Oh great poem!

My Autumn has taken a corner out of my blinds too, I never thought to take a picture of it. Last summer we replaced all the blinds in the house except that one, we left it just for her. Of course it looks terrible from outside but...well the neighbors just have to live with it. Our new kitten, Majik, has made it a quest to see how many of the new blinds he can chew up. So far the score is Majik:2 Blinds:0. LOL hey they are just blinds and can be replaced.

Love

"The intellectual understanding of all this just isn't making a dent because I FEEL so bad...like there's nothing of any real importance left, nothing as important, as wonderful, as fulfilling, as Heaven-like, as was having my kids to love."

I totally understand where you are coming from here. I am an x-ray tech, I have another degree, and even 6 weeks after Misty died I tried to intellectually rationalize the loss into:

a. like Nissa, he was geriatric, 18

b. he had had other health problems which I nursed for 4 years

c. so, he lived a great life, we were there at the end

d. we knew it was coming, so time to stop being upset

e. Misty wouldn't want me to be sad

f. giving 200% when he was alive was more important than crying for 6 months

I tried this approach for about 5 days, and it just didn't last. Like you said, no matter how hard you try you can't just look at these factors and "move on," as others told me.

I feel the dent big time too. It's gotten better since I have gotten some support here and some new things in my life have developed, but I agree with you. There is no greater joy than Nissa, Sabin, or Misty running to the door, rolling around on the pool deck, or waiting near the "magic closet," where of course cans of every variety were kept.........

I think society's lack of empathy compounds the grief. You have been so helpful to others here from what I've seen......isn't it amazing how we can all help each other, but how diffcult it is to help ourselves??????

Hang in there, I know it's hard with the whole in your heart, a huge piece of your family missing, all i can do is say I understand.........

Hugs, Amy

Paula,

Yah, I've read that poem a few times in various places (it's so touching!), and I appreciate the sentiment of you tieing me into the gist of it. Of course, Nissa was anything but arrogant and prideful (nor did she ever wreck any furniture) ...not a vain bone in her dainty body! I used to hold her up in front of mirrors and tell her how gorgeous she was and to just LOOK! at herself, so beautiful, yet cute, all at the same time, and how I didn't know HOW she managed that,....but she was NEVER interested in her own reflection and would turn away & look at me instead and give me another kiss instead....as if to say, "No, Mommy, YOU'RE the beautiful one and I just LOVE you." And of course, there was that one ever so poignant thing she relayed in one communication when I'd asked her, just for fun, "What does God look like?", and she answered...."YOU...", giving a mental picture of my eyes to Irene (the medium), making both Irene and I shed tears of wonder.....oh gawd....I miss my precious, special little girl. She was also so polite, that she'd usually wait for me (or anyone else for that matter) to go out a door first, unless I told her "after YOU...". Nissa was always such a GOOD girl and it always amazed me how thoughtful she could be. She's one in a million.

Lori,

You're most welcome, too!

That's right....they're just furnishings and can be replaced, unlike our precious and unique kidlets. So now you'll have to work on getting some 'evidence' recorded on that redecorating job! After all, one must prove to them that we're PROUD of their ingenuity, good taste and self-reliance!

Amy,

I'm so glad you listed these 'reasoned' points, as it helps even seeing them in print, and knowing they still didn't do a WHIT of good, despite their numbers. I wasn't even trying to apply them in order to 'move on', knowing how unrealstic that whole idea is, but just to try and dull the pain a bit. And that method worked backwards, too!

What's so hard now is that I'm really feeling just WHY I was avoiding the depth of this pain. I've been through so much grief before, the worst having been Sabin's passing, but this....this truly IS so much worse than even I imagined it would be.....funny how certain losses always surprise you like that, even if you think you know full well how it's going to be. Last night, at bedtime, I'd crashed AGAIN, after having felt a bit better by coming here.....and couldn't help but think I'm NEVER going to be able to live with this. It was SO bad, I was completely panicking inside, wondering what in the world I was going to DO with myself....not wanting to live through this, not believing I possibly could, for the pain, wondering if I'd end up going completely mad and being put away in a psych-ward, forever doped-up to the gills and unable to function.....losing this already-unwelcome 'freedom' because I'd cracked for good. It went on and on until I HAD to push it out of my mind. Bedtime is becoming a real nightmare for me now.

Anyway, all those 'reasons' don't do me any good anyway, I realized, because that's not even the source of my pain. I DO believe in most of those reasons, but after those are reconciled in my head, what still remains is that I just miss my girl and our life together, and that can't be 'reasoned' away. What 'cure' is there for that? I can build a new life, which may even be rich with unimagined joys yet to come....but no matter how great it might turn out to otherwise be, it will never have one thing....my Nissa (or my Sabin) will never be a part of it in the same way again. Even if she/they comes back as she said she wanted to, she likely won't be quite the same girl. Those particular experiences, those particular ways of her and her and me together, will never be repeated. And I just can't seem to face or accept that. That's what my heart is recoiling in horror from.

And I know that even this horror may indeed pass, too, just as the saying goes, and as I've seen it happen, but man.....when you're in the thick of it, not even a gun to the head can make you really believe that, not even for one tiny second! Grief must be experienced through the HEART, not the head....and there's the rub, eh?

"I just miss my girl and our life together, and that can't be 'reasoned' away. "

This says it all. The bottom line is they aren't here with us. This is why no amount of intellect can make it go away.........

F.K

Okay F.K, firstly let me tell you something, you say there is nothing of real importance left since your kids have gone, well you are totally and utterly wrong - YOU are left - YOU are IMPORTANT! You HAVE to realise this because right now I don't think you do, I think you have ceased caring about yourself, feeling that you don't exist anymore without them, thinking, what are you without them, what is life without them? YOU are YOU, in this life there is YOU, and you need to look after her because she is very specially.

She has a specially ability to reach out and help others, her words are always spot on, her advice is always sound, she has a real gift in helping and counselling others but she needs to trust in her own words for herself, she needs to find belief in her own words.

Do not let the grief cave you in. Don't fight it, just ride it. There is no cure, there is no quick fix. If you stare at the world with hurt and anger thats how it will stare back at you. Embrace that beauty in the world once more because it is still there right where you left it.

Don't hate me for saying this becauseI don't want to speak out of turn, I know this is a difficult issue, but I feel you do need to lay Nissa to rest pretty soon, you will not move forward towards healing until her 'crossing' is complete. You need this for Nissa and for yourself.

Nothing changes yet everything changes when they go but it's up to us how we handle it. You are soooo strong, yes Nissa was one in a million, just like Sabin too, but don't you just think they thought the very same about you?



Take care F.K, good to see you back anyway.

Debbie,

Speaking of being "spot on", I think you've hit on something very insightful here, and I'm very appreciative of this deeper thinking on your part....even though it gives me some more issues to deal with! I could feel the truth of them just by my first reactions as I read them the first time over, thinking, "No, I'm not (important to anybody)....no, I DON'T think so, you're right....yes, I HAVE ceased caring so much about myself....yes, I DO feel like I don't really exist w/o them....no, I DON'T know who I am w/o them.

My 'reasoning' for this goes thus:
If I was important, my friends (and what's left of all sides of my family) would have stuck by me, helped me as I've tried to help them and others, let me know by action (and even more words would have been nice, too!) that this was so. They would have wanted to be with me in whatever ways, if I'm so special, or special to them. Some said I was (words) but didn't follow through in actions, which we all know are more important. So how important or special could I be, if they left me to struggle completely on my own? All common excuses aside, if I was as 'great' as some of them said, you'd think they'd have been more invested in my outcome. For all any of them knew, I could have killed myself in the long time it's been since they've even bothered to check up on me....but no. They didn't stick around. Even IF that says more about them than about me.....well, put it this way - there would have been no one even coming to my funeral, had I done myself in. Three lousy people would have attended, that's ALL. Three lousy people would have even KNOWN....the rest, I know my H wouldn't have even bothered notifying because of their lack of communication with me/us....so they would have missed even attending for his sake.

All this has only reinforced the belief that I was only really important to my kids. A couple of them said all the fancy, pretty words about my continuing importance to some people in this world, including them....but not ONE of them is even aware of the pain I've been in the last few months....because they abandoned me (if you wonder how I can relate so completely to abandonment issues for animals in this world, this is it), even before the worst of the pain arose. Some disappeared for unknown reasons; some, when I dared express UNhappy feelings. Some, right at the outset. Some, when I stuck up for myself. But they ALL abandoned me at one point or another. If this doesn't reinforce the idea that I either comply with their notions of who or how I should be, else I'm not 'acceptable', I don't know what does. None of them sought to know me more deeply than they already did, as if that wasn't desirable a notion. But the bottom line was that they were telling me that not ONLY were my kidlets not that important, but neither was I. I tried my hardest to celebrate these people for who they are and the parts they played in my life, despite our differences, but in the end, they wouldn't do the same for me. I wasn't worth that amount of effort. So it's really hard now not to be hurt and angry.

Now, I realize that one's sense of worth ought to come from within, for and by oneself and not from 'out there'. But in MY life, I was never given the key building blocks in the first place, as a child, to truly feel that inside. The blame for that happening is gone, but it still leaves a void where there should be belief...and I don't know how to find that strictly from within. Intellectually, sure, but not in my heart.....not w/o a whole heckuva lot of 'evidence' from 'out there' to go along with it. It may come in tiny spurts here and there, but not enough to fill the void.

The only thing that did, was the unwavering, full and unconditional love from Nissa and Sabin. So when I say that they were my LIFE, I mean it on so many levels it's not funny. The whole era of being with them was the only one that filled that void, let me feel that I had a meaningful and glorious purpose, despite the hollowness of the rest of my world. They made my existence matter, in tangible ways. It does me no good to think I'm important to something or someone if there's nothing tangible to 'prove' it....that just feels like denial of evidence to the contrary.

There's been very little 'beauty' in the world in my life, either....except for them. It feels like I "left it" with my kids. I know it was inside of myself, too, otherwise I never could have recognized it at all, but one can't 'play' with that in a void, w/o others to share it with. Wasn't that the whole point of our Source creating ways to experience the All That Is in the first place? IT was lonely, even within Itself as the All! That's sort of how I feel now, as I felt before my kids, too....desperately trying to find the beauty.

You also hit on another key point, and that is how they thought about me. Perhaps it's just me, but although they loved me deeply (of that I'm surer than sure), I also feel that I disappointed them all too often, when they were trying so hard to help me/us to change the less than desirable things. And I know I didn't always take their wise counsel enough to heart. So I sometimes wonder how much I contributed to their own problems. They are very often mirrors to our own selves, so....

Sabin got cancer. He also had many eye problems. If you believe, as I do, that there are emotional triggers to the predilection to acquire certain diseases, this speaks volumes to me. Cancer, at its emotional root, is about longstanding resentment, deep hurt and carrying hatreds. Conjunctivitis is about anger and frustration. Sabin often displayed anger and frustration, often towards 'interlopers' in his yard), or when he couldn't get his way, or when I/we wouldn't follow his wise lead in some issue. Part of this may have been 'just him', but I'm sure at least some of it was mirroring US. So, what did he REALLY think of me/us, when we were causing him some grief on some level, and not wisening-up as quickly as he wanted? (he was also quite impatient at times) In a nutshell, I don't think I'm anywhere NEAR as wonderful as my kids, or any animal, and can't imagine them holding me in as great a light as I do them.

As for Nissa's burial, yes, it might help in some ways. But I'm not sure how much, as I'd had Sabin's body for even longer, awaiting my decisions and our finding a way to do what I wished - a long project, that won't be so long this time because we know what we're doing and how to do it. What might be of more use is the actual planning of her ceremony....another thing I've been avoiding because of the pain. But regardless, we DO have to wait a few months anyway, until the ground thaws enough.

But how strong AM I, really, when I can't even bring myself to do even a few of the things I did for Sabin in the earlier stages? I feel like I've really let my girl down, even though what I've avoided does NOT say she means less, but that my pain is even worse this time around. I don't have the same guilt as I had with Sabin, but I have other things that are just as hard. My therapist thought the added pain was understandable, given that I've never been left w/o any kidlets at all before now, and we did a TAT session that seems to have helped some so far, but there's still a LOT of grief left to feel, as deeply as I can at any given time. I've never run from my other griefs in loss before now, so this time, being different, it feels like my strength has failed me and I'm not even understanding how others are seeing me as strong.

I'm going to be taking part in a teleclass put on by Lynn MacKenzie (communicator) tomorrow morning, dealing with how to contact our beloved furbabies for ourselves, after they've passed. It's free, so I've got nothing to lose....I hope. I AM scared it will net me nothing, but am trying not to focus on those fears, as it seemed that I was led there BY Nissa. So please wish me luck and good fortune with this, no matter what it might look like at the time.

I'm sorry this ended up so long, but I'm grateful, Debbie, for you bringing more to the surface some very important key issues for me. I'll be taking this list to the therapist's!

Just got back from business travel and thought I'd check in to see how you are doing.... sounds like lots of interesting and helpful perspectives in the posts. I know you've been abandoned by so called "friends" in the past, and I understand. MoMo was my rock through so much pain and loss when others turned their backs on me, so I can completely relate to the depth of pain that you're experiencing. I just wanted to tell you that (and I'm pretty sure I'm speaking on behalf of all of us) you have found a community of friends who won't turn their backs, especially when most people do - when grief is really bad and ugly and even uncomfortable to see/hear/read. (I think that's why people like all of us, who support someone no matter how long the pain lasts, and no matter how ugly it can be, have the capacity to love our babies as we do. And to care for them long past when others would have given up.) The best I can do is this: without your babies, you are still someone who loved them and gave them the best lives possible. You are someone who has helped countless people by sharing your grief and thoughts, and by encouraging and supporting others in various stages of grief even while you are still in the midst of your own grief. You are someone who we worry about and want to comfort and support through bad days, of which we know there willbe many, and (most importantly), you are someone who I would actually trust to raise my animals if I couldn't, which is a tough one to top. So I think that makes you pretty important.

Wow, M&M's Mom.....okay, you 'made' me feel pretty special there....oh my...my heart's been really touched, and I'm almost speechless! (some might that that was very GOOD thing! )

I guess that's one of the reasons I keep on trying....I hate to see others in so much pain, too. But what would happen if I just couldn't give much anymore (because of my own pain)? Perhaps that's my real worry.

I'm glad I've been able to contribute something of value here, if not in my local world. But I DO wish my local world was more reflective of that, too, and still don't get why 'it' hasn't responded in like fashion, even when I've felt those times of self-worth and confidence. Why 'it' leaves me when I don't, and need support, still pisses me off. That's like saying I have to be happy all the time, or else....and that's not realistic in ANYONE'S world. I guess I'm just so lonely, on a day to day basis, yet there's no one around here (home) who I can really connect with, so that just compounds everything.

I can't thank you enough for your words, though....to trust me to look after YOURS! Pretty darn flattering, that is! That's sure not something I hear around HOME, except from my H. THANK you. I just wish you were all here, just like I wish my kids were. All of you HAVE always been here for me when I needed a boost.....and you've come through again. Thank you, thank you, thank you...

Glad I could help, even just a bit. And please don't worry about not being able to support others - even through sharing your own thoughts and feelings, you help us all realize that we are not alone...

This world can be so unkind, and people can be so shallow, especially those who have never truly connected to a pet.

Please hang in there..

F.K,

The problem with so called friends and indeed family is they are so busy and preoccupied with their own selfish life that they don't have so called time for anyone elses, let alone when you actually need them, but don't let their selfishness or lack of understanding and support have any reflection on who you are and your own self worth. YOU are better than that and worth more than that.

Your kids showed you how to love in a world where you yourself were shown very little. You are important, your reasonings are wrong, don't expect your friends to show you this, they aren't really your friends are they if they let you down when you need them. Only the good ones will stick by you no matter what, the ones you can call on when you need them, they are the true friends, everyone else well....

Some of us are lucky to have a caring family and more than a couple of friends who really, actually care (and would know whether we had died or not!), some of us, like me, like you have very few people in our lives that care about us, but that just means you are better than most people you know, you have a bigger, better caring heart, you can always be there for someone one no matter what, when or how you are needed. That is a real friend, that is a true, selfless person who is able to give.

Do not judge yourself by the actions of those around you, do not let them make you feel like you are nothing, you ARE better than this.

You do need to feel you own self worth from within, I can tell you how great you are every minute of the day but you have to believe it for yourself. You have so many qualities that make you special, you need to have a bloody good look in the mirror and see them!

You existence does matter, and your kids weren't disappointed in you, how could they be, you already said you basically lived for them, and how great is that. Now you need to rebuild that world and start living for you, and you need to learn how to start doing this without them, no matter how difficult. It's a steep learning curve. The hardest lessons come to the strongest, otherwise what is the point of giving them easy lessons where there is nothing to learn?

Your strenght hasn't failed you, it is still there, hidden and not always obvious, but it is there, it has carried you this far hasn't it?

And yes, good luck with the class, confront those fears then they won't be fears anymore.

Debbie

And remember to look in the mirror and see who you really are!

Hi All. It's been awhile, as I've been thinking on what you last said, Debbie, and because the pain's been great. It's not much better yet, as I decided to take some action steps because of all this, and so it's still ongoing.

I read an article on lying the other day and it included this quote:
"Truth ups the ante for intimacy, says Lauren, and that's what conversation is all about."

It made me realize more fully that I couldn't just keep living, as is, with false hope about my 'friends' here ever coming through for me...the ones who've not called me in months. I'd recently contacted (in desperation and frustration) one whose actions and non-actions really hurt me all this time. I even emailed her, mentioning briefly how I'd been feeling so lonely, wondering where everybody was, and the like...giving her an easy opening to explain. She never 'bit' and carried on as if I'd said nothing.

I'd invited her to a spring event I thought she'd like and we even chatted on the phone once last week. BUT, she never offered any explanations of why she'd never called, or answered to any of my puzzlement or feelings about it. So I wrote her another email (begun with that quote), where I was clearer and more detailed about how I'd been feeling about this abandonment. I spoke mainly about my feelings and the reasons for them. I also reminded her of a time last fall when she got angry with me about a small matter (which she'd mixed up herself by not listening properly, thus causing her own distress), and of the things she'd claimed about our friendship and how we both really 'got' how grieving was. One of my therapists had really liked how I'd planned to incorporate these things into any 'confrontation' I might have with her in future, so I figured it was okay to bring them up. I asked her to try to imagine walking in my shoes the last while. I spoke of the hurt I felt since she'd never gotten a pic she had of Nissa in her last Christmas to me....not even mentioning that we'd asked 3 times for this picture, to no avail...and how if I'd had a pic of her dad (who died) I would have handed it over, no asking required. I told her this honesty was important to our friendship because w/o it, it would be shallow and false and that if I didn't care about it, I would have just walked away instead and said no more. And stuff like that, but focusing all throughout on my feelings and how I've been puzzling over the lack of calls. I even spoke of how I'd wanted, many times in the last 6 months, to just die, I've felt so despairing, and how no one (not just her) would have even known if I had, since my H wouldn't have called anyone who hadn't been around.

I haven't heard a word back in days now, and I know she's always on her computer so must have read it by now. I told her if I didn't hear back from her then that would be her 'answer'. So I guess I have it. She's decided to only be angry, or whatever, but I'm not worth opening up her heart over.

I feel good that I put into words and action the bit of worth I DO feel for myself. I reasoned that if I didn't act myself like I was worth something, then no one else would ever take that seriously, either. However, I'm angry as hell that what I suspected has been proven to be true - this friend (and certainly the other ones, too) doesn't care at ALL. She doesn't care that her lack of compassion has hurt me, doesn't care that I took responsibility for myself and tried to tackle this problem head-on while still being in grief, doesn't recognize the amount of courage that this took....she's CLUELESS, while claiming to really 'get' what grief is like for us!

It does put an end to the wondering and that's good, because I know, in my heart of hearts, that this friendship would have forevermore been strained and pointless, really, if this had just been swept under the carpet, as she'd been doing. What good is a 'friend' if they refuse to be there with you when you're going through the most horrible thing you've ever been through? She already knew about what I'd been through with my other losses, at least well enough to get the big picture. She knew I'd already been terribly angry about my Mother's pictures being withheld from me....yet she did the same thing. It's not for ME to worry about whether she simply forgot all about everything, and if she did, what does THAT say about her desire to remember the most important things to me?

But right now I'm still in the ANGRY mode! I'm angry I've been treated with such disrespect and lack of empathy. I'm angry at myself, for giving her more credit and believing that she had more HEART than she does. I'm angry that she's 'told' me that in her eyes, I'm not worth the time or trouble of understanding. I'm angry that this has now happened in every.. single.. major.. loss.. I've.. had, no matter WHO was around at the time! And most of all, I'm furious that this has happened with the WORST loss I've had to date and that NO ONE GAVE A DAMN about how important a loss this was for ME!!! (yes, I'd said that how I felt about Nissa was what was important, not how others might rate her importance) I'm in the revenge mode, hoping that when she loses her "precious pooch" (her dead dad's dog), she'll be similarly abandoned by the rest of her useless friends and family....cuz I sure won't be there to hold her hand! She'd told me that we'd been the ONLY ones who really supported her after her dad died....not even her closer friends had done for them what we'd done.....yet this is how I get repaid for all that caring!!???? Oh yes, I'm ANGRY, all right! Just what it is I'm supposed to DO for people, with people, to NOT be treated thusly, I don't know! I'm totally fed up with trying to be the understanding one! It's time for ME to be the one who's understood, treated fairly, and remembered in time of need! No matter WHAT the loss, I've never been 'allowed' to grieve naturally, for any even moderately reasonable time, by any of this 'chaff'. I'm angry at the unfairness, the selfishness, the cold-heartedness....at not even being allowed to feel the justifiable self-righteousness that comes from being so disregarded! I've kicked boxes, vented and I'm STILL angry!! PEOPLE REALLY SUCK! (but not YOU guys ) And MOST of all....I'm angry because of what's underneath it all ~ HURT and FEAR...that this is never going to end and I'll never find any good friends (locally) who are REAL friends!! I know I can't stay in this forever, but for now, it feels JUSTIFIED and I can't and won't minimize it. It feels like this stupid world OWES me big-time!

FK: Sorry about how you're feeling, I understand, I get the ups and downs too. She is obviously of the very common breed of so-called friends wanting people to gaze and wonder at her but doesn't care to open her eyes to others. Quit serving that mirror loving tart! Now you're not old enough to remember but in the sixties there was a band called the Animals and they sang a song about a lover having left 'One monkey don't stop no show' so when you think of that fair weather friend, think of that line. I have found friends to be practical, they do fill our house on New Years Eve but bottom line most are all in it for their own selves they're all tryin to be 'A very good friend of mine'
like Joni Mitchell would say. Be open to people, but keep that opinion that most of the time, they aren't worth the salt that's in a cat! Do yourself a good turn, buy yourself
a little something, even if it's only a five dollar plant. Hope it gets a bit more soothing

FK's mom

I know its hard. I'm dealing with the same lingering depression myself lately, and haven't been able to post or get involved here as much as I would like to, as you know.

As for your 'friends" all I can say is that, in general, people suck. That's why we miss our furbabies so much. We can't get the kind of love and devotion we had from them, from the humans in our lives.

Hang in there..

I haven't been able to come up with anything to share lately so I've not been all that active, but I completely understand your pain and anger. I really believe that most of us on this site are a different breed of people - I can't imagine any of us leaving a friend or even an acquaintance out in the cold, so to speak. I've run into a similar situation since Mo's death with my "best friend", who pretty much disappeared. When tactfully confronted with my feelings of hurt in an email, she responded that if I was feeling that low, I should get a prescription for something. (She is a Therapist).

It compounds the loss, though, doesn't it? Just when you're at the lowest point EVER, suffering through the worst loss of your life (your one constant source of unconditional love) when you should be able to expect your closest friends to rally, they certainly show their true colors. I was enraged, too.

I feel so blessed to have come to know everyone here ...this support has pulled me through.

I am thinking of you and your babies..

I'm finally feeling sort of 'up to' getting back to replying here. First off, I want to thank, from the bottom of my heart, all of you who have so graciously responded to my pleas for understanding and support! It's SUCH a marked contrast to these other people, no LONGER around me. I'd love to send them all your messages, just to show them what REAL friends do for one another in times of crisis and pain!

My therapist was trying to help me understand where people like that are coming from (to help ease the blow) and saying that people like US are in a lower percentile of the population....seeing as she's counseled hundreds of people for all sorts of loss. But I still maintain that whether it has to do with animal loss or not, there are those who are caring sorts, and those who aren't, period. After all, my heart can go out to all sorts of people who've lost whomever, whether I've had that sort of loss or relationship or not, so yes, that's what I expect from others who claim to care about me. SHE maintains that even THAT is quite rare! SO sad a commentary on today's world! But in any case, I'm tired of settling for crumbs and crumby people, (or should I call them 'Biscuit Brains'?) so I'm still glad I wrote that letter, even if it DIDN'T elicit any kind of response. My therapist says "give it a bit more time", but if she hasn't responded w/i, say, 2 months, forget about her. I told her I've already written her off, as unless she comes back REAL SOON with an abject apology and explanation for her lack of communication....she's not worth waiting for!

toonie,

Actually, I DO remember Eric Burdon and The Animals ~ who could possibly forget "House of the Rising Sun"? (just for fun, try singing the words of "Oh, Little Town of Bethlehem" to the TUNE of "House of the Rising Sun"!! It's a scream!)

I guess I just don't want to 'waste' whatever's left in of my life bothering with people who aren't serious about the things that really matter. And my H is even LESS inclined that way - he'd rather be totally alone than 'whore' himself out to these types, at least not willingly. Yes, it's true that most will 'party' with you, or anybody, but don't expect anything more of them. At this point, though, I'd rather be a hermit if I have to, cuz they just end up CAUSING more pain, than not. If I'd consciously chosen a friend as MERELY a 'good-time' friend, that's different. Then I'd have ONLY certain expectations of them. But this woman was supposed to be a real friend, not the loser she's turned out to be.



Alley's Mom,

I know you've been just about as down as I lately, and am even 'glad' for THAT kind of company! (in my books, there ARE times when "misery loves company" gets my vote!) At least we're both being REAL and not covering up how we truly feel, and I say we deserve respect for that, not forced isolation! We don't have a contagious disease, for Heaven's sakes! We're just sorrowful!

Yes, knowing all too well that people usually just don't live up to how wonderful animals are by comparison, really makes it harder to bear when we're deprived of their (our furkids') uber-companionship.

M&M's Mom,

Wow....that's sadder than sad! And crappier than crappy! If drugs were her only solution to her own failings, I think that (a.) she's not a very GOOD therapist!, and (b.) it's HER who needs the drugs, not YOU! Some sugar-pills might help, to sweeten her up some! She ought to stop and desist right NOW from daring to treat anybody else,until she gets some (better!) therapy for herself, is what I think!

I DO thank you for sharing this story as it always helps to know when others have had the same thing happen (the letter thing, too) to them. Let's just hope that we, and others like all of us, are the 'next breed' on this lousy planet.

"It made me realize more fully that I couldn't just keep living, as is, with false hope about my 'friends' here ever coming through for me...the ones who've not called me in months. I'd recently contacted (in desperation and frustration) one whose actions and non-actions really hurt me all this time. I even emailed her, mentioning briefly how I'd been feeling so lonely, wondering where everybody was, and the like...giving her an easy opening to explain. She never 'bit' and carried on as if I'd said nothing."

I related to your whole post......I too contacted people all the first two weeks in utter shock. I also got people ignoring anything had happened. Some did give a token I'm sorry, but immediately talked about something else.

I totally understand your anger. I have gone through the same thing. I guess my husband didn't care whether people cared, as men are much more private about the grief. But it really ticked me off, like you.

Then I ended up, also like you, feeling like my friends are gone. I feel like after Misty's death I will never trust people again to be there. I don't know about you but it wasn't like it was a big secret or something that Misty and I were inseparable.

I also confronted a few people to either get ignored once again or feeling worse. my sister told me to get over after only 5 weeks. She also is close to her pets, so I was a little confused why she would act this way.

So, I am with you. IT sucks not only to lose Nissa, but then lose friends that could have helepd through the grief period also. I don't know about you, but I feel like it compounded the grief and has made it more intense for me. Part of the anger may be that losing your friends has made the grief WORSE than it may otherwise been.

I stopped even mentioning it casually to people at 5 weeks because of the utter lack of response. I found this board at 8 weeks and it helped me so.

Are we all really left with no one???? Like you, I have my DH and of course my daughter, but to lose all friends when you've lost a beloved pet child can be a whole other grief process in itself........

You aren't the only one.....hang in there today!!!!!

Amy

Thanks, Amy. You obviously understand, too. I'm so sorry you're going through the same nonsense! To get that kind of non-response from your sister, in particular, whom you thought of as a fellow animal-lover....boy, that REALLY smarts! This 'friend' of mine still can cry when she thinks of her last dog....but for me, she seems to have no pity, so I don't get that, either. Of course, I already know that she also thinks of dogs as being 'more than' cats, but even IF I thought the same way, I'd still be able to feel badly for HER relationship loss, regardless.

I used to think that other people had some kind of 'secret knowledge' gleaned from their particular lives that helped them brave the storms better than I. Now I'm more than convinced that most of them just stuff their feelings, thoughts and ideas and that ends up making them shallow and more self-absorbed than ever! They don't allow themselves to fully feel or deal with the pain, and believe all the clap-trap about this making them appear 'strong' and 'in control'. And it comes back to bite them in the a** with every successive loss and in their daily lives and relationships. And they never stop to question anything.....or strive to improve upon themselves. Let them live this way, but I have no intention of taking that route, even though at times I wish I could just be that uncaring and unbothered, too.....like when I'm feeling so betrayed! But I also know that it's not morally right. Most of them probably just haven't grown a whit inside since their early years and have no intention of starting now. That, and people who are hurting, are just too much WORK for them....I'm sure they'd call us "high-maintenance" friends, missing the finer point entirely.

Yes, all of these people were WELL aware of how close I was/am to Nissa. In fact, one of them has even thanked me numerous times for opening up his eyes to a bunch of animal issues, including the care of his cat (still markedly deficient in my eyes, but better than before). We used to have arguments about animals that left me almost in tears and ready to punch his lights out....yet somehow I HELPED him to grow! ????? No one was more surprised than ME to hear such praise and grat*itude coming from his lips! But he's not offered anything, either, though I thought there was a chance he might.

So no, I won't ever trust people, in general, to be there for me for ANY kind of loss, ever again. There'd have to be at least as many sincere apologies (including remorseful ACTION) as there have been slights for me to change my mind about this. As they say, fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

I've never forgotten reading long ago that we don't GET time, but MAKE time, for the things that we value as important. And it's abundantly clear that none of these people MADE time for me, at least not quality time, but like your experiences, only time to talk about or do what THEY alone wanted....or to give me insensitive opinions about how I SHOULD NOT feel the way I do. No one wanted the truth, that's for sure. You know what they say about the truth hurting....well, it hurts worse if you keep running from it your whole life! My whole family is a living, and dead, testament to that! If you don't ever learn to make amends for anything you've done wrong, you become a pretty scary-a**ed human being!

And you are exactly right about another thing, too. This DOES complicate grief, of any sort. And any complication aggravates the intensity, at least overall. We're not designed to go through loss all alone, w/o support, so it's a given that with little to none, we'll fair more poorly overall. There are a couple of quotes that say it all to me:

"The most precious moments in friendship were not when I laughed with a friend, though those times are so good, but when I cried with a friend and she reached out and listened and understood." ~ Fran Morgan, and

"Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can, and common sufferings are far stronger than common joys." ~ Alphonse de Lamartine

So together, we'll all hang in here as best we can!


"

I am astonished to read all your comments and realize that we are all here in the same boat as far as our human bonds go. I too was disappointed with the lack of caring, I would even say lack of interest, on the part of my few 'friends' and my mother who doesn't understand pets at all. When I lost my cats, only one old friend replied to my email said she had cried reading my pain.Then she went on about changes being part of life and how more would come. Afterwards, we never mentioned the subject, I don't know if she even knows how depressed this has made me. A few other friends said they were sorry and the subject was closed. One supposedly close friend has never replied to my e mail about losing my two cats this fall yet when she came over to visit last summer she asked to see my cats and gooed about how sweet they were: hyppocritical to the max. FK's mom, I like your husband's dislike of "whoring" himself for fake friends-a very apt expression. Seems like when things are great all the people are there and when things are down no one shows up...Laugh and the world....But it's okay, I don't need them, not for what it costs. Good thing we have each other on this site, it helps more than anything else around.

FK one has to wonder who is the crazy loon who came up with singing "Oh, Little Town of Bethlehem" to the TUNE of "House of the Rising Sun"!Totally nuts.
I would give such a friend(even fake) some indulgence just for his/ her crazy thoughts, that kind crazyness helps even if just superficially -another genius : John about being afraid to hit someone's head in case pumpkin seeds would fall all over the floor!

Take care & positive waves to you all. B) <_< <_<

FK's Mom: "This 'friend' of mine still can cry when she thinks of her last dog....but for me, she" seems to have no pity, so I don't get that, either. Of course, I already know that she also thinks of dogs as being 'more than' cats, but even IF I thought the same way, I'd still be able to feel badly for HER relationship loss, regardless."

Ditto. I have friends where I flew to funerals, called several times to see how they were going through a problem...divorce, death, etc. One friend who had ignored anything had happened lost her DH last year....I called almost every week for over 6 months, listened, and went to the movies with her when she had no one else. Then I lose Misty and it's not even worth an "I'm sorry." What is wrong with people???? Another friend's Dad had a biopsy for cancer and I even called her parents to offer support. Again, this friend acted like I was interupting her morning coffee break! This went on with about 30 people....either I'm sorry, end of it, or nothing happened let's talk about such and such.....

Then, what hurt the most was his babysitter who checked on him 3 times a day when we were out of town, even rotated his flavors for him......I called her 45 minutes after Misty died and she practically hung up with no response. Later that week I called about the nw window seat cushion that she was making for him and she actually was mroe concerned with what I as paying her...can you imagine? In the midst of intense grief the first couple days????

However, when all her church people have the slightest problem, she is soooooo upset. I even called to listen about that several times, too.....yet she couldn't even acknowledge Misty had died.

Toonie:

My DH ran into the same thing with e-mails........he wrote a pretty long story to a buddy and his cousin, who is close to his own dog. IT was three long paragraphs. The friend e-mailed back nothing about Misty, and the cousin did too....no mentioned of what DH had e-mailed, just some words about his job!

What is wrong with people? Isn't it customary to say "I'm sorry" when someone dies??

Another point of your post I totally related to. How the friend that did say she was sorry forgot about it later and has no clue what you are going through. I had two friends willing to listen the first two weeks, yet any mention of it in January they would change the subject. I don't think anyone has a clue waht I am going through, and it has left more isoalted than I have been in my entire life......

Also, how people seem to flock in herds for the positive.....when I had a baby those that ignored we had a death in the family were all over it..presents cards phone calls.........yet with Misty some I couldn't even get a return call.

Sure glad I found you guys.........

More later, Msity's Mama

Wow. This is all SO bad!!!! And here I'd felt so alone in getting nothing from 'friends'!!! WRONG!! I'm blown away with knowing how much WE do for others, yet it doesn't return to us in equal measure, or even half-measure!, from those we do these things FOR! No kidding....."what's WRONG with people????"

It must be true, then, what my therapist said - those who just haven't established the same kind of relationship with their own kidlets (if they've even had any to begin with), just THINK they understand (if it even goes that far at all!), but they really just have no clue about the depths of our grief.....so think we're a bit 'off' in our deep reactions.

I've noticed the same things, too. For some OTHER losses (human, always), people can flock with aid, but not for animal loss, as if it's 'lesser'. However, for me personally, even with human loss, even with my Mother's passing, I got virtually nothing, even from w/i hers and my own family. It was a disgusting display of callousness and I will never forgive any of these relatives for that.....I can't. THEY helped teach me not to trust, and I can't forgive them for that, either, as I've spent my entire life trying to build up some trust in people, just to have my fears confirmed.....most people are NOT to be trusted with our feelings.

Oh yes, and toonie....this Xmas song aberation comes from "Bob Rivers & Twisted Radio"'s "I Am Santa Claus", a Xmax CD of really amusing 'takes' on popular Xmas carols. There are many priceless versions on it.....although it will probably be many years yet until I have the heart to listen and laugh at them again, cuz I'll be thinking the last time I listened to this, all was happy and Nissa was here.... and then I'll just want to throw up.....

"Those particular experiences, those particular ways of her and her and me together, will never be repeated. And I just can't seem to face or accept that. That's what my heart is recoiling in horror from."

Ditto here too. A good friend the second week just said I could get another kitty. But like DH said, another kitty would not be Misty, nor would it be the same experiences as Misty, Froggy, treat mat time, sleeping on his own pool raft in the summer, or dancing around the grill.......

Being there through school, buying our first home and new jobs.....these are all things that can't EVER be duplicated. And for that it is a loss in itself, that will take time to grieve......you can't just go get another one, as those experiences would be different, and might intensify the loss for me......

The loss of the uniqueness of the realtionship is part of the grieving process.....why do people not see this??????

Amy

"The loss of the uniqueness of the relationship is part of the grieving process.....why do people not see this?????? "

I'm with you Radgirl and all on this site. Our deep grief cannot be fathomed by those unfortunate (or thick) enough to have never developped relationships beyond superficial societal ones. There can not be a replacement, only long lasting grief as it etches the essence of that relationship onto our souls. It is indeed extraordinary that we understood and loved beyond our own species and the magic was returned by our pet's own love and understanding. If there is an afterlife , if a second chance exists, I know I will immediately recognize my cat no matter what form he will have taken-the essence of who he was is eternal.

How we wish we could go join our pets though this is not wise, we can not make such things happen, if only for the memory of our pet who would bear this awful responsibility. We have to go along with life and it's plans for us-we can only hope that fate will be kind, after all, it once was to have brought us the unique relationship that has marked us forever.

In another post Moose Mom speaks from experience (10yrs)
" I wanted to follow my Butch so much, I hated living in the world without him in it. I'm glad I stayed, I would have missed so much. So much love and joy. I would never have known and loved Moose, or lost him too. I know how hard it is to just make it from day to day." Just reading this, I see that we can evolve through it all, Moose Mom thanks for the inspiration.

I hope for all of you that one day, love and joy will come back. I hope that your pet's love will send you positive waves to make today a little easier. Take care all.
Be good to yourselves.

FK''s Mom" "those who just haven't established the same kind of relationship with their own kidlets (if they've even had any to begin with), just THINK they understand (if it even goes that far at all!), but they really just have no clue about the depths of our grief.....so think we're a bit 'off' in our deep reactions."

I have been told this also, but a good friend understands what is important to YOU, and is there in times of personal crisis. I have a friend that is really into biking,hiking, and fishing. I personally don't get invovled in that stuff myself. However, when her family cabin for these activities had significant damage and she was really upset, I offered support, listeed for two rather long conversations, and expressed that I knew how important it was to her.

The point is that I couldn't have cared less, but as a friend I took it seriously that this friend was upset. Same goes for losing Misty. IT was no secret how close we were. Whether someone was into pets or not, a friend should be there to listen and care. Maybe not for months on end, but at least the first few weeks, and maybe a mention around holidays and such.

I don't know about everyone else, but I got a feeling from those that ignored it, that hopefully I had learned a lesson.....that I put way too much into Misty, lived too much for him, and it was high time I learned a pet is just a pet. Therefore, they never even acknowledged he died, kind of as a statement of "you were ridiculous anyway, serves you right."

Toonie: "Our deep grief cannot be fathomed by those unfortunate (or thick) enough to have never developped relationships beyond superficial societal ones."

I totally agree. I realized through this how fake people really are, they can't function unless everything is self-serving, fake, or they are getting something in return from you, pets are either just objects or a liability to them.

Happy Sunday......Amy

"She has a specially ability to reach out and help others, her words are always spot on, her advice is always sound, she has a real gift in helping and counselling others but she needs to trust in her own words for herself, she needs to find belief in her own words"

That is so true E.M., I have problems communicating in detail effectively and I wish I could offer some comfort and support like she has given us. Sometimes when people dont know what to say it does not mean they dont care, they do but they cannot express their inner thoughts as well as they wish they could. Others of course are flat out cruel, there was a mantenince guy where I work who overheard that my cat died and mentioned that I could have one of the feral ones by his country house...before he SHOOTS one! How cold blooded, If he had just lost his child how would a joke about shooting children go over? Some people have no heart.

I can identify with the hopelessness, anger.. I have a job that is mind numbingly boring that is twelve hours at a time with the majority spent with only myself and my thoughts to keep me occupied and there are terrible things in my life and in our world that haunt me. All I can say is I understand and I wish the best of life comes your way FK's Mom

Being a sensitive, intelligent, caring person is not an easy thing in today's world. The bulk of the world doesn't understand or appreciate your particular gift or value what you value. You feel as though you are all alone and that the world has gone mad. People disappoint you and your pets give you unconditional love. When they suffer or die, you suffer too and feel as though you could die.

We may all get to this condition through different paths - mine involved an alcoholic father, a family tradition of Scandinavian melancholy, a controlling husband, and living as a aging hippie liberal in a conservative rural area.

Therapy has helped and I'm glad that you have a therapist you like. Letting go of "friends" that aren't there for you is hard. You want to enjoy the same relationship that you once had with them - the one that was rewarding to both of you, but people change. There are other people out there, finding them can be difficult. You have to kiss a lot of frogs...

One thing that has become clear through our latest losses with Abby and Sport is that I will make myself sick too if I don't find a way to move ahead from this. By the time Abby's lungs gave out, I had developed horrendous heartburn. Two months and Sport's illness later, the heartburn that had started to resolve came back. Stress=illness.

So at the ripe old age of 52 on this Sunday morning after reading (for the first time today) your painful post of early March, I want to tell you that you can and must honor your lost fur companions in your mind and heart even as you embrace a tiny but growing thought that there is a future for you, other furry children who will be your family and confidants, people you can count on. So much loss leaves you feeling drained and hopeless, and so first you must care for yourself and restore your own health on every level.

It's a daily struggle of course, fighting depression and being run over by obtuse people. Exercise, loving those who ARE there for you, doing things you enjoy, working to think happy thoughts about your lost loved ones instead of allowing the bad images to overwhelm you - all that helps.

"The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine Aron has been a great help to me, maybe you are familiar with it? It explained a lot about the way I see things and maybe would help you too.

I know that I'm new here and most of you have a well-developed dialogue so I apologize if I'm butting in. I just recognize the feelings that I'm reading in your posts.

In the spirit of remembering our lost babies in better ways I'll share the thought with you that our Abby in her 18 years, having been only the second stray that we adopted, never really liked any of the others that took up residence here later. Her prevailing att*itude was "who are all these cats and why are they on my deck?" She was bossy and arrogant and tiny - so funny! Even as she was breathing so badly it was time to let her go, the tip of her tail twitching and her expression told me that she was thinking "if I wasn't so sick I'd get up and kick your a**!. Classic Abby. Her grave has a plaque with the motto "Beware of" and a relief of a cat that looks like her - it's perfect and I smile every time I look at it.

Sending positive thoughts your way.

Barb

Wow....and double wow! I'm blown away by everyone's responses! In better moments, I would have been saying the same things myself, so not only have you all helped me feel so comforted and understood, but it's so good to hear those 'echoes' of my own thoughts, to lend me strength!

Barb,

My goodness! We had similar backgrounds, which I'm pretty sure contributed to our both ending up as HSP's! Yes, I have that book...I just forget its wisdom whenever down! (do you, by any chance, have Finlandian blood in your family? - the "melancholy" makes me wonder my Scandinavian portion contains Swede!)

As your good advise stated, I have been trying to focus, too, on getting back to better health (WELL aware of how 'sick' thoughts = sick bodies)...just as I was getting going on this, my KNEE got injured, on top of all that ails me besides, so now I'm playing the waiting game again! Figures!

Your Abby sounds like quite the character! Of course their own personalities shine through, no matter what the circu*mstance. Most of the time, I'm actually remembering more of the GOOD times, rather than the more challenging ones, but it is still a mix. But I still consider this an improvement over Sabin's passing, when I could barely even remember the good times for the first year or so, I was so stuck in the guilt I carried over his passing. This time, I'm discovering that even though it's good that more of the better times with Nissa are in my head...they just make me miss those good days all the more! Sometimes ya just can't WIN! Grief is what it is, and it'll 'get' you one way or another. Those depths just must be plumbed, no matter what. I thank you so much for your insightful words. We must be quite a bit alike, as everything you said rings so true for me, and it always helps to know there's another HSP out there who understands what it's like to live like this. (we ARE pretty special, too, though, aren't we?! )

macgrl,

UGH! These "cold-blooded" types take such great, twisted pleasure in sticking knives in us and turning them, don't they?! That maintenance guy is obviously one of those 'pumpkin heads' that John recently spoke of!

Yes, E.M. is right and I know it - but we all know how hard it can be to take our OWN advise when we need it! I also know that many folks have difficulty in expressing themselves, especially in the more delicate situations, but these 'friends' have, I believe, just gotten 'tired' of HAVING to 'bother'. One of them can be fairly eloquent in her sympathy when she wants to be, but just didn't like the fact that I wasn't healing as rapidly as SHE wanted....plus, all was left at the point where she ought to have apologized to me for something she did, and she obviously didn't think it was warranted, and never called again. Another one likely just feels 'taxed' by having to come through for longer than a month or two and her previous words of 'understanding' now sound like nothing but lies and deception to me. I could try to work with what's behind this mystery, but she obviously doesn't want to go there with me anyway, so....it's DONE. So while not out-and-out "cruel", none of them wish to understand any further than they already have felt they have. But at least I know where they stand now....and to hell with THAT! I deserve better - that's my story and I'm sticking to it! Thanks for the well-wishes - the same ones I wish BACK, for each and every one of us!

Amy,
Yes, this is the exact point, isn't it? If one really cares, even if you don't have any answers or your interest isn't on the same level, you at least TRY to make an effort, in SOME way, to understand and empathize as much as is possible for you....even if you have to say, "I can't really understand how you're feeling, BUT....I'll make an effort...." THAT kind of thing. Your example was a good one!

GREAT insight! I got that impression, too, and some even came right out and SAID that I'd 'fussed' over Nissa "too much" in the first place, while at the same time saying they understood that this was the way I was...but critiquing it at the same time - a real mixed message. But I still thought they'd look beyond our differing choices and focus on how I FELT, regardless. It DOES seem to be a sort of subtle way of 'punishment' they wish to inflict upon us for daring to care more than THEY thought was called for.....some kind of power game, rooted in ego. I often wonder if deeper down, they're maybe even jealous of the way we gave so selflessly to another, especially to someone who wasn't a self-serving HUMAN! It's like those people who get SO upset with us for daring to work for animal causes, RATHER THAN focusing on issues dealing with human children....as if it's some kind of contest, or we can't care about BOTH animals and people....I think they're scared of our ability to do BOTH, cuz that makes them seem 'less than' us.
That's about it, with so many people. What I was giving one of these women was someone for HER to talk to (when she wasn't working outside the home), which I enjoyed in its own way, too, but if I dared to be sensitive about Nissa, or anything around the subject of grief, it was apparent she didn't want to allow me that. I was no longer serving HER needs then, which was just to have me to talk to about everything else. So when I never got an acknowledgment or apology for that insensitive Xmas email from her....that was IT for me! I'd had enough of serving her needs, above some of my most pressing ones. I got tired of being treated as if her needs were more important than mine. It wasn't equal enough. So although she DID talk to me for quite a few months after Nissa's departure, it didn't seem to be for MY good, but for hers. In all this time, she probably only let me tell about 4 stories of my girl....versus a constant play-by-play account of the 3 cats in HER household....and never stopping to take my hint of discomfort (after a few of these) in hearing all about their "wonderful" ways, when I no longer HAD my girl, or anyone else, to delight in watching myself. She's also the one who put cost of care above their needs, which really made me sick! She hardly spent any time with them, either cleaning, gardening, doing health research or other projects for herself and her human family members (or friends), or going out for whatever....claiming she cared so greatly for them, yet not extending her wealth of health knowledge to INCLUDE them.....no matter how many times I gave her suggestions, helped her deal with one who'd swallowed a bunch of dental floss then had to have almost his whole bowel removed, or ANYTHING. She also plays martyr ALL the time and lives in total denial of that fact. The whole picture with her and OF her was making me sick! So talk about self-serving. It was obvious she was NEVER going to 'get' it, so I gave her up willingly....but angrily!

It's true, too, what you said about having to grieve each and every one of these losses, as they're part and parcel of the whole grief picture. Grief counselors know this, but the general populace is woefully uneducated about it. That's part of the reason grief takes so long....it's a really long process, having to feel and think about and somehow reconcile every little thing that we now miss and that is 'lost' to us except in memory. I have to keep reminding myself of the comforting words from "A Course In Miracles" that tell us that every thing we ever loved is preserved and saved for us, forever, and in reality is NOT just a memory. But it's hard to truly fathom the 'real reality' of this until we're not on this plane anymore, just as it's so hard to wait for the time when we can experience it as a more tangible truth. THEN I have to try and truly grasp Einstein's concepts of there really BEING no such thing as Time, with every event taking place simultaneously and therefore STILL HERE, still a reality, with everything we've ever wanted already given us, if ONLY we can have enough faith in that to actually receive it 'now'. I love Einstein; a really spiritual genius, he was/is, yet most people only know him as a scientist.

toonie,
This first part is so true, and yet we seldom if ever get credit for being so open to these possibilities or what we learned from taking this heartful path. Yet, apply that same openness to humans, and it's praised to High Heaven! It's SO unfair and hypocritical! In my mind, we've gone beyond the basic concept of human loving, yet we're sneered and jeered at, instead of applauded. I just don't get this closed way of thinking...well, I do understand how it can exist, but I don't agree with it!

And this IS what 'they' say, but even if no one did, I KNOW I'd recognize my kidlets anyway, no matter what form or non-form they were in. I'm used to actually sensing their individual energy 'feels', and I also know what the love from them felt like to my soul, so it's a given I'd know them anywhere. I used to be able to feel Sabin's presence, his particular energy, at times when he'd pay me a visit from Spirit. His energy was always SO strong and palpable - like getting the immediate effects from having taken a sedative or something....SO calming and firm in its steadfastness. Nissa's is softer, as if it's more 'rounded at the edges', and not as 'forceful'....hard to describe, so it's equally harder for me to sense it as I need to be calmer myself before I can feel it. Whereas Sabin's could MAKE me feel calm, just by its own properties. Part of my path here now is to get better at this sensing....so I will feel them around me much more readily and easily.

All along the way you get let down time and time again, the only one person who you can truely trust not to let you down is your own self, (with the exception of animals of course). And if you do let yourself down there is only one person to blame.....

And if you believe this as the norm then you won't be at all shocked when somebody lets you down, and some days you may just be pleasantly suprised when somebody is actually there for you when you need them.

Sad but true, well at least I think so, or I may just be super negative but who cares, it's about the only thing I have learnt in life. Oh and that a good proportion of life sucks too.

Must take my pessimistic hat off today.

Debbie,

Well some days that hat just fits, doesn't it?! You sound rather like my deceased brother, who always took the view that if you went into something expecting to see problems crop up, you wouldn't be either so surprised, nor as disappointed. I've waffled and flipped back and forth over this view ever since he first expressed it to me (in my early 20's) and still haven't quite made up my mind on it. But it scared me, as he wasn't the happiest of people and died very suddenly of a massive stroke in '04....which tells me his beliefs didn't serve him terribly well.

On the one hand, it's a good way to 'protect' your feelings. On the other hand, it's a depressing way to live and doesn't allow you to even TRY to view the world in a more positive way. And I've really been trying, as well as I can possibly manage while still grieving (which makes it REALLY challenging!) to attract better things and beliefs into my life...even through all this turmoil. Somehow, there always seems to be this 'vestige' or something of hope left in me, though many times it's buried under so much muck I can't even see it anymore. Or maybe it's not so much 'hope' as PANIC! Because if the world IS so horrible and hopeless to change, why would I even want to stay here???? So maybe I'm just tricking myself into believing that it can be better, kinder, nicer, or even more truly hopeful. Maybe it's just a survival tactic that's primitive and very subconscious. But it sure accounts for a lot of the roller-coastering!

I do think, though, for CERTAIN, that when one lets oneself down.....there's hell to pay! OR, if one lets one's loved ones down, it's most often even worse...but they're both intertwined, one with the other.

Other than that, I don't know WHAT to think, only what I'd LIKE to think....and therein lies the crux of my greatest frustrations.

How about you think what you'd like to think ;-)

Other than that, I am much to depressed right now to have any input. I seriously considered checking myself into a nut hut the other day.