I'm sitting here wracked with tears, a mere 3 days after telling you all the good news about the signs I just got from my sweet Nissa, 3 days after finally having one lousy better day. (and never even having gotten the chance to respond further to all your warm posts!) Then I opened the mail and all that changed.

The pet loss support group here had sent me their winter newsletter, which I hadn't been expecting. I'd met in person and chatted with their current President (whom I'd also spoken with a number of times in the past) at the fall Blessing of the Animals event. This is where she learned that Sabin's sister had just passed, too. We'd first spoken after Sabin's passing almost 7 yrs ago, and she remembered him from their newsletter. I told her I'd be trying to write a similar tribute for Nissa, to be included in the next newsletter, but didn't know if I'd be emotionally able to get to it in time. Well, I still haven't been able to 'go there', so never sent anything in for submission. But I guess she remembered us anyway and when I turned, just moments ago, to the "In Loving Memory" page.....there was Nissa's name (first and last), staring at me in black and white.........and I've completely LOST it now.

In a flash, I'm back to seeing her sweet, but so ill face at the moment that needle entered her loving heart....the light fading from her adoring eyes, the eyes that I'd gazed into so many times each and every day for almost 20 years...the eyes that loved me more than any human ever did....not even my own Mother ever looked at me the way my girl did. The pain of her loss is too excrutiating for words and I'm paralyzed with sorrow.....for what was and will never be again for me on this earth. I've been concentrating so hard on making myself focus on her still being alive, even though in spirit form, that I think I've been pushing away the utter devastation her leaving has felt like for me....and now, oh gawd...the cat's out of the bag, so to speak! I'm seldom at a loss for words, but I can't even find the ones that can describe how empty and so totally ALONE I feel at seeing her name written there. That's my girl's own name.....how can that be???? It's a living death sentence for me, to be forced to continue existing here without the love that sustained me through everything else that life threw my way...even her own brother's death...and I love Sabin more than Life Itself, too! Nothing's ever been as hard as this.....nothing. The horror of this new reality is just so incomprehensible that I have to keep pushing it away because it feels like my mind will implode if I allow it to touch me for more than an instant....like the instant when I saw her name.

Furkitlets' Mom How I wish I had the words to comfort you as you did for me when I first came here. I don't know if it's the same thing but when my Mom died I was never able to go to her grave and I know I never will. For me, to see her name on a gravestone would make it real and final. Even though I know she's gone and has been for a long time but I don't want to see it made into a reality. I wonder if maybe that might have happened with you. You just aren't ready to make Nissa's loss real-it's too painful for you right now. All I can do is hug you in spirit and let you know I am thinking of you with caring and understanding.
Your friend always, Kathi

Thank you, Kathi. You hit the nail on the head. That's what I feel, all right. Although I've spoken her name many times since, I've never put both her first name and our last, family name together in this context (under a memorial notice). And I guess that's also why I haven't been able to yet write a tribute for her, either. I don't want to make it that final, as you so aptly put it. I....can't, because it will rip my guts out. I want to, but also don't want to, be like the ones so many counselors see who've lost their children, or spouses, and not get out of bed for about a year. Deep down, despite all this fighting to get beyond my worst feelings....this is killing me, and I feel like I'm the only one who's doing this poorly with my grief. So it's somewhat reassuring to find out you feel the same way about your mom's gravesite. Thank you for that, too.

And 2 other things happened, too. Tonight I found out that the casket company who didn't pack the casket properly, resulting in damage to it, won't do more than give us a lousy discount on building a new one.....and my H doesn't want to fight with them about it, nor does he want me to give them hell about it. What THAT'S about, I have no idea. So now I feel we should just look for a more deserving company.... but all over again, and pay again? I shouldn't have to be going through this process again!! So I also feel like no one's by my side and truly understanding how upsetting and unfair this all feels. Nissa's name on this newsletter didn't upset my H, either. It's already real to him and it just doesn't bother him, he says.

I also tried going to a local grief program that was supposed to be for ANY loss, and had talked to the coordinator beforehand, explaining what my loss was, just to find out later that every other person there was dealing with either divorce or spousal loss, and that this was the norm for this program in my town. The workbook they handed us didn't even cover any other type of loss! They ended up giving me a different one...so I'm different, again! I sat there feeling like that song, "Alone Again, Naturally." Not only that, but my neighbour, the one who had the friends who made those terrible remarks about cats....SAW me there, and is friends with the stupid coordinator who encouraged me to attend! I can hear him now...."She's still having THAT much trouble with her grief?......over a CAT?!?! She really IS a crazy cat-lady!" Soon, I'm sure this whole, stinkin' town will be laughing at me.

I feel like I can't take care of myself anymore...the whole world (as in the little one I'm in here) seems to be against me getting better, no matter how hard I try to find help for myself, or to make things easier for myself. The pet loss support group probably won't even be having a bimonthly meeting, either, as I discovered later that they're having their annual general meeting at the end of Jan....likely instead of a regular meeting; their phone message hasn't been updated since November!

I just can't keep going with so much going wrong, and worse, I can't understand WHY so much is going wrong, just when I need to be nurtured more and not left to deal with everything all by myself. I'm losing ground despite having done so many of the 'right' and suggested things. I don't even dare hope to feel better now because everytime I do, something else goes against me. It's starting to feel like some kind of punishment for daring to complain about things and daring to feel so grief-stricken in the first place....sounds crazy, I know, but I'm getting totally paranoid now. I don't even want to suggest I may feel better next week, or tomorrow.....cuz that might jinx it. Maybe I should just stop trying to reach out for support....maybe it'll all go away then.

Dear Furkidlets Mom,

I just had to respond to your very sad note...my heart goes out to you, I understand seeing the name in print, when I first posted my dogs picture it was like a surreal experience, it just can't be true...I still feel that way. You're not a crazy cat lady, you are a special, warm, loving and caring person who is so blessed because of your big heart, which of course makes us all vulnerable to big hurt. I wish I had the magic words to ease your pain, hey I wish I had them for myself too...I think you're right that you can't find a group to help you, except here of course, this has been an unbelievably helpful experience for me, you get instant understanding and support, I had a beautiful tabby with my husband named Frank, he passed four years ago, our hearts still ache for him. He was the crustiest, toughest guy, alley cat kind, always getting into fights, constant grease on his forehead from sitting under parked cars, lived till he was 22, with about zero kidney function, and sub Q fluids he lived until he developed cancer...anyway, I do understand. I understand how it feels to be so alone in your pain, today, i spoke to our vet to let her know about my dog's passing, as he was PTS in an emergency vet hospital out of town. She said the usual "I am so sorry" and bearly let me explain what happened before she rushed off the phone to get back to her busy schedule. It felt so cold, I had taken him there for over 12 years of his 14 1/2 yr life..bummed me out. I am sure she hears it every day, I guess they get used to it... anyway, I will say a prayer for your Nissa tonight when I light my candle for Hrudey boy, peace to you..

Tory, Hrudey's Momma

Tory,

Thank you, too. No, there are no magic words, but there are words of compassion spoken (or typed) by those with equally-big hearts...and for that I AM grateful. I just wish I could pick up the phone and simply call any or all of you here....it's much less draining than writing, I find. I can't even seem to keep up with posts cuz I just don't have that much energy lately. (and for all those I miss out on...please know that I DO care, but I've had to limit my responses as part of self-care)

Yes, I remember reading about Frank and his grease-spotted head....I did laugh at the time! It reminded me of the ONE time Sabin got some gasoline smell on his head...oh, the horrors this Mom put him through, washing his head about 6x's before the smell would go away! He wasn't impressed...but was usually so tolerant of my fussings, and constant apologies for same, that he put up with it and took my 'bribe' of getting him clean so he could enjoy Nissa's loving baths as usual. As for Nissa, I think the worst she ever got into was getting one of those sticky bug-strips inadvertantly stuck on the end of her tail.....definitely NOT funny until after we'd finally caught our poor, freaked-out gal and cut the dang thing out of her fur...not the easiest thing to do with a swishing, panicked tail-part and the loudest screaming in the world in your ear! (we were waiting for a call from the SPCA that day!) My hands were shaking so hard, worrying that she'd make it stick to yet another section of tail and snap her spine in two! Yup....only funny AFTERWARDS! Thanks for helping me to remember some of our own stories. Certainly no one around here ever wants to hear about them, or help me even remember them....it's as if they WANT her to be forgotten, or NOT be so important to me.

I'm glad someone can understand...especially when you've shared so large a chunk of your life with your furchild....a bit less than 1/2 of my life I spent with my girl, to put it in perspective, and certainly a large part of my adult life. And your time with Frank had to have been at least that long, too, I imagine. It's no small wonder to me that you're still aching over his loss! And I know Kathi is in this 'old-timer's club', too.

Your vet's lack of what I would consider to be a proper response is very repulsive to me. I don't really give a damn how overworked or whatever they are...compassion doesn't have to take a long time. A simply-stated but truly sincere gesture can still go a long way towards helping someone in their grief experience, rather than adding to their misery. It's not really a 'helping' profession if they leave that part out, now is it?! WE are the ones who paid their bills and helped them make a decent profit all those years, and whereas our furkids were their patients, we were their clients, and I'd like to see where they'd be without us! If nothing else, that deserves a little more respect. Had they even sent a condolence card to you, or did they overlook that, too?

Thanks for the prayers, too...I believe they help, even if we don't know exactly how they'll make themselves apparent. My heart is almost always in prayer-mode for everyone using this site. Compassion itself is a form of prayer, I believe. When I think of Nissa, I also think of everyone here, and how much I wish we could all be in the same place for even a few minutes, for one, BIIIIIG group hug, and a market share of the Kleenex corporation! Peace be with you tonight, too, Tory. Tomorrow's another day...for what it's worth.

Don't give up the ship, Furkidlet's Mom!! We're here for ya! Your kind words helped me when I needed it, when I first came here. Don't know what I would have did without you and the others. You and all my new friends here have helped me so very much, and I mean that. I know some people are so unfeeling. But *we* are here for you. And when you need us, reach out to us. I'm at the place of hurt where you are, when it comes to seeing your Nissa's name printed where it shouldn't be. I can't even think about that. I also wanted to make some sort of tribute page, even on this site, but I simply can't do it. It was a milestone for me to even make my first post here, for that reason. Please don't ever give up the ship. You're not alone, honey.... we are here for you. *tons of hugs*

AmarnA

FK's mom -

I can understand about not wanting to do or see things to make it "real" that Nissa is truly gone. I feel the same about my Alley. We had been apart for several months and sometimes I can almost pretend that she's still there, waiting for me to send for her to live with me. Soon I will receive the pictures of her grave. I look forward to having them, and dread them all the same.

I know it hurt to see it, but I think its lovely that they remembered, and included Nissa's name in the letter. It just goes to show that she was special and is remembered by more people than you realize.

big hugs to you hon. We'll get through this somehow.

Furkidlet's Mom,
I know it's so hard for you to be somewhat in the middle of nowhere and not have access to the "big city" things that I can get to so easily. Being right between Chicago and Milwaukee, if I can't find it here, it's just a stone's throw away. I wish I could just take you in for a month or two so you could just be surrounded by it all.

Sweetie, I think you are worrying a little too much about what other people think. People who matter don't judge and people who judge don't matter. That being said, don't go to the grief group if you're not comfortable there, especially if you think it's going to stir up more gossip about you. (Really, just because I say to stop worrying about what other people think doesn't mean you'll suddenly stop doing it. That would be like saying to stop grieving your kitties and you'd suddenly stop doing that. Not gonna happen.) If there's not going to be enough pet loss support groups for you, have you considered a professional grief counselor? There are a lot of great benefits to this. First of all, they absolutely cannot repeat anything you say, so no worries there. Second of all, because it's not a group, all the focus gets to be on you alone. Third, you're only getting one opinion, so you don't have to try to pick and chose who might actually know what they're talking about. I saw a grief counselor after my Dad died. It was very helpful. In fact, some of what I learned I'm using to help me through the loss of Copper. Think about it, okay?

Take care of yourself.
Love,
V

Furkidlet's Mom,

Sometimes, when you can't find the support you need, you have to turn to...yourself. I know you are stronger than you think you are. I know how much you have helped people here. Maybe it's time to do the same for yourself? I understand how hard things are for you right now. I know your kids birthday is on the 20th, and the 5th month for Nissa's leaving just 3 days later. Those anniversary's are probably some of what is going on. No one understands how you truly feel but you.

I feel so sad that Nissa's name written out was so hard for you. Our community has a newsletter, they put Moose's name in, and a little saying "he loved this time of year' for the autumn. He lived here his whole life. Oh it made me cry like a baby for sure, but I also found comfort in it. And in the fact that his was the FIRST pet name ever in that newsletter. People yes, pets, not until now. Comfort that they were recognized can be healing thing.

Oh I so don't mean this to sound cold, I hope it doesn't. I know you have thought about how we create things in our lives, have you thought that you are perhaps creating some of these situations, or attracting them? Perhaps because you dread them so much? One of the things I have read a lot of lately is that we can become victims of our lives, or create them. It's so easy to be the victim, our culture is so full of it and encourages it. I find I feel much better when I start to see what my responsibility is in 'victim' situations, how I attract them, and try to stop what it is I am doing. I'm I good at it? NO Maybe never will be, but when something comes up over and over I try to stop, see what responsibility I may have, and then try to create something else, something better. I also think that something that keeps coming up is a lesson, one we HAVE to learn how to deal with before it goes away. I'm not trying to teach you anything, honey. I hope you can think about some of it and maybe try to feel a touch better. And no I don't think you are wrong or crazy to hurt so much. I well remember 10 years ago when my Butch died, I came so close to ending my life to go be with him on the year anniversary.

WE can't make ourselves sad enough, sick enough, angry enough. We can't deny ourselves enough, refuse to accept enough or even love enough to bring our babies back. Sucks but it's true. I know if love could do it, we'd all have them to hug and kiss. Thinking of you.

Love
Lori

Dear Furkidlit's Mom,

I'm so sorry for your grief. When I lost my cat Boo in 2003, and two other cats in 1997 and 1998, I thought my heart would never heal. Everyone deals with grief in their own way and sadly, although doctors and other medical specialists, more and more, are stating that people can and WILL grieve over the loss of their pets with the same impact as the loss of humans, too many still undermine the amount of grief pet lovers go through whenever they lose a precious member of their family.

I was going to ask you if you've asked at any local vet offices if there is a pet grief support group in your area at all, as opposed to just a 'grief support' group.

This site seems very, very good for people like us who ache over our loss and need the kind of empathy and understanding we often can't find out in 'general society'.

Perhaps it might help to think of seeing your baby's name as a monument of honour for her?

I hope you can start to feel better soon. Please take care.

You're all such sweethearts, caring about me and my feelings. I just can't help but wish, all the time, that at least some of you were right here, as there really is no subst*itute for having someone close at hand, physically......much like the difference between having our babies physically here, versus having only a spiritual relationship with them now. And besides....it's well known that people don't do as well, with any kind of challenge, if they don't have at least one (and more, the better) caring individual around to lean on when times are tough.

Actually, V, I'm using 2 therapists right now (one from my past losses, twice; one new one who does some different adjuncts to treatment), but while it certainly has its benefits, it's still not the same as just having a friend....to go for walks, go for lunch or coffee or dinner, who might cry with you, or laugh with you.....you know. A therapist, while caring about you, doesn't really fill all the gaps, and is getting paid to help you. It's not spontaneous and coming from free will, so to speak, so you can't help but wonder if they'd even really LIKE you as a person if they weren't playing professional helper. And I sure can't just call them up to yak whenever I might need to. You see, I'm trying to build a real, and new network for myself...one that will also take me into my future, w/o my girl. I'm also only a stone's throw away from the city, where I do most of my 'business' (cuz it's so pathetic in our town), but the pet loss support group IS in the city.....it's just this part of the entire Province that's so wacko, unfortunately. Edmonton, to the north (3.5 hours) has more than they do down here, animal-wise...but that's too long a haul.

As for worrying about what others think, well, I think most of us suffer from that at least to some degree, or at certain times in our lives....but more to the point right now, for me, I'm just PISSED RIGHT OFF that I seem to be surrounded by ONLY those whose hearts are so closed-off and ignorant, and (you'll get this, Paula) who actively choose to not respect my feelings.

I only tried that local grief program hoping I might connect with someone there. I didn't think the program itself would be of much use to me, since I've been through one before, done extensive reading about grief (because of all my previous losses), and found most programs here to be lacking. I was really friend-searching, because I think it's true....the depth of a relationship that's formed when grief is shared is inherently stronger and deeper than those formed through only the good times. I don't have any intention of returning to this one now that I've seen how pathetically it's being run. The facilitator for the adult group wasn't even going to BE there the 2nd week!....so even SHE couldn't make the full committment to attend! What does that tell you?! Talk about a break in trust in a peer-support group! They're just total putzes out here, I tell you.

I will be thanking the President of the pet group for including my girl in their newsletter. I like her personally...but the group as a whole still sucks, as do most of their phone volunteers, at least this year. You now have to leave your name and # and they get back to you....if you're lucky, which I wasn't last time.....sometime w/i the day, or the next day. With me, it took over a WEEK, and then the woman couldn't get off the phone quick enough! I shoulda phoned a general Crisis Line instead! They're also partnered with the Calg. Humane Society...a big, corporate organization and kill shelter who I've always had great trouble with, for the things they both do to and don't do FOR animals. They're funded mainly by the city, so tow the political line, rather than truly help animals out. They kill thousands every year and have no intention of ever stopping....they don't even believe it's possible, ever, to stop...cuz they think they'd lose their jobs, is what I think. I'm really just living in the wrong place, but it can't be helped right now. However, it's filling me with utter frustration and added pain. There have just GOT to be some people out there who love animals as much as I do! I just can't stand living in this vaccuum anymore, now that Nissa isn't here to cushion the reality. I've played quasi-hermit for so many years as it is....and I just can't take it anymore. I'm a really sociable person and fought to get over my shyness and fears, and now I can't even utilize all the hard, gruelling work I did to get where I am now....needing some people, as well as animals, in my life.

And I know it wouldn't feel half as lonely, or as despairing, if my H felt more similarly to how I do when it comes to loss....but that's just not him. There's lots I love about him, but unfortunately, this isn't one of them! I've heard enough people talk about it to know that our furbabies are the ones most of us went to when we were frustrated or angry with our spouses, or other people close to us. And now I don't have that option anymore, nor do I have someone who is there to either kiss the stuffin' outta me OR goad me into a good play session, to take the edge off and help keep me happier, fitter and healthier. (and no, I still can't handle the thought of health concerns, etc. with another) My kids were so many things to me....ALL of them good, except for their illnesses, though even through those, we bonded even more. I can't play Hide and Seek with my H.....trust me, I've even asked! I even tried to play with that maybe-stray cat a couple of days ago, and while I finally found a toy she liked, despite her much younger age, she sure wasn't even HALF as spritely as Nissa was, even in her OLD age! I can't do a ton of things I used to do that made me happy...all the little, but most important and most precious things. That's where I derived my greatest happiness (I'm no dummy!), but it's all lost to me now and I don't know how to pick up the pieces that have crumbled into dust. No, that's wrong....I DO know how, but I just can't get it to work for all my trying! THIS is why I can't allow Nissa's passing to be 'real'...I have no real fallback position to catch me every time I stumble, and my knees have gotten plenty bruised in the last few months! It'll be their birthday in 2 days, and I guess I'll be having to do something commemorative all by myself. If I'm not crying too hard to manage it, I guess I'll be coming here, to share that pain, too. Or maybe I should try working on that tribute.

From the bottom of my heart, thanks to you all, kind friends, for the opportunity and encouragement to share. I guess I can say that if not for this site and the people on it, I'd be....well, I might be in a psych-ward! I'd also wanted to add some of my own kidlet stories to that other recent thread, but just couldn't manage it last night. Maybe later....thanks for being here.

Dear Furkidlet's Mom,

I am still trying to write this post to you, which I started last night, but just could not get completed on account of the emotion. My heart just breaks for you so much, being surrounded by so much coldness and indifference as you are. I wish I could help you. About all I can do is to tell you that I understand every word you are saying in this thread.

My new avatar was really, really hard to post tonight...and so is the picture I am going to share with you when I get to the conclusion of this message. These were hard photos to share, because some of that same stuff you are talking about was painting my wounds with its icy brush at the times I could least cope with it.

In my avatar, my dear Larry embraces little Atticus, the red-gold kitten whom he took such tender care of, who was never strong. Atticus' kidneys began to fail when he was 10 years old...after Larry and I had nursed him and mothered him all his life. His tenuous health fell apart while I was on medical leave to have surgery, and I was recovering at home from surgery when this happened. Needless to say I was not an emotional superwoman at this time.

In the photo below, Atticus is sunning himself with Roddy, a sweet cat that I adopted in 1994, when his original mom married a man who was allergic. Roddy was already 6 years old, and he was devastated and depressed by having been removed from what he had believed was his forever home...but my sweet cats helped him heal.

Roddy passed away one year, and exactly to the day, after Atticus. No one ever found out what was really wrong with him, he just grew weaker and weaker, smaller and smaller, and eventually, in spite of all the efforts and money that I poured into the situation, the time came.

I'm not really ready to go into the details of why I say I was treated to coldness, indifference, and even hatefulness during this period of my life with these babies. These are things that I am still working on, within myself. I don't think that I was ever as completely surrounded and trapped by it as you have been, but believe me, every little action (or inaction), every wrong word, every card or call that did not come...I don't know how to forgive these things, and they will be lodged in my heart like stone axes until the end of my life. At the time, they were all but overwhelming. I won't forget. Sometimes I feel a strange, sick pity for the perpetrators, I would not want to have their reward at The Judgment.

I hear you, oh how I hear you, when you write about the love that you saw in Nissa's eyes for you, truer and purer than any love from any human. I hear you, when you describe the one thousand things that your babies could do for you that no one else could do. And I hear you when you say that no one around you cares to try to at least respect what you were losing. Even if they don't comprehend the loss, they could at least acknowledge it , because they can clearly see that it meant the world to you. But no. They don't even try to do that. There is something really, truly horrifying about this, I know, I have felt it. You are hardly crazy to be horrified in the presence of the Dark Side.

I am just so grateful for this place, this site, I don't have the words to explain. I'm grateful for you, and your words of comfort to me from your place of pain.

Neither of us, I guess, has as much to live for as we once did, but our lives still have meaning. We still have love to give, and to receive. I hope that you can hold onto that thought, it seems so little and lame right now, but we will get through this, hour by hour. Hold onto the memories. Here are some of my most beautiful memories of Larry, Atticus and Roddy...I hope that seeing the images of the pure, sacred love between these babies gives you heart.

Take care of yourself, we need you

lynda and the babies left behind

Lynda

Oh I just had to tell you what a beautiful picture this is! Your Roddy was so handsome! It must have been tough for him to lose his 'forever' home, I'm so happy, and I'm sure he is, that he found all of you. The beautiful love between your babies is so wonderful.

I'm so sorry you have been treated to indifference at a time when you needed love. Why do we do such things to one another? It seems to me as easy to love and support as to hate.

Love
Lori

Lori, Lynda, ratlover,

Oh my goodness, it's so GOOD to get this out and be heard, understood and still accepted! That means the world to me! Not only that, but to hear and feel the emotions in your words coming back to me....a REAL response, from people BEING real, and in touch with themselves, yet still able to think intelligently and then reach out from their hearts.....sigh .....it's not often enough that that happens, and I SO appreciate everything all of you (and others, previously here) have given to me.

Lori, aside from what I wrote you already, another thing you said strikes me:
Yah, I think that, too, but I'm just hoping that this possible lesson isn't that I need to learn how to be even more ALONE for a long time! I suppose though, that it could be that the Universe is setting things up for me to have LOTS of time for myself to 'get quiet', get on with delving into animal communication, meditation, other energy work, etc., and accomplish everything I've planned to in Nissa's (and even some stuff left for Sabin) honour.....I suppose. But I'd still rather have someone around/available as I do these kinds of things. Maybe time will tell.

Lynda,

It means an awful lot to me that you cared so much to take that amount of time to respond in such a meaningful way. Bless your big heart! But before I say anything else, I want you to know that I LOVE your new avatar and the additional photo of Roddy and Atticus...and what you did so selflessly for little Roddy (the poor guy!). Naturally, I have an extra interest in grey (and black, and even white!) cats! However, that said, Atticus' colour is simply stunning, as well as unique! The gold in his coat is really apparent....so unusual and beautiful! And I know how upsetting it can be to look at photos, especially so early in the grieving process, so I recognize what an effort this was for you. (but at least you now have a wonderful avatar)

Frankly, for me, even if I myself stood the chance of having a deathly reaction to one of my kidlets, I would have done anything and everything else I possibly could first, before I could even start to consider giving them up...and even then, I'm not sure I ever could have, regardless! Can't really even imagine it. I'm so glad YOU were there for Roddy to go to, though ~ he had at least that much luck and I'm sure was content enough, and probably much more, to be with your family. Certainly he got a lot of care and concern from you and your other babies. The fact that his condition was a total mystery must be terribly hard to take and I'm so sorry you have to live with that now. Btw, Nissa's main illness and probably the cause of her passing, was also kidney failure, so she and Atticus have something in common.

Even w/o details, it helps to know that you, too, have endured the same kinds of things that I'm dealing with...and I feel sorry for us both! And when there are too many, they have a %%ulative effect on us, like we're being kicked when we're already down. It also helps me to hear that you, too, don't know how to, or if you even can, forgive them. I know real forgiveness doesn't have to mean you forgive the actions/inactions of another, but sort of just their ignorance about the matter....but still....w/o some kind of apology, whether in words or better yet, good action, I don't think anyone deserves any such consideration. At that point, all we can do for ourselves is to try and realize that they "know not what they do". But I find that even that is too hard at times because I'm still so ANGRY about the lack of caring they exhibited....again, they don't deserve any understanding on my part.

However, I've just had a session of an energy technique called TAT with one of my therapists that I think will benefit me a LOT, as I was able, for the first time in my whole life, to get beyond the total rage I've always felt towards my father and brother for things they did to me when each of my budgies died, many moons ago. It's pretty remarkable! Now, a few days later, I can't seem to drum up the usual feelings I'd always had when recalling these events! Hope it lasts as it's claimed to do. I'll be trying it at home with each of these other incidents with people, and see if I can get the same kind of result. See, I have a history that sensitizes me to uncaring events and people, which makes for a more intense reaction in the present. One day, I hope to get well beyond this...if I can just hang on long enough to get there.

The other things you said that REALLY helped a lot were all the ways you could "hear" me. Oftentimes, it's just that validation that we need to hear back from someone. And the fact that you really 'get' what I said about Nissa's eyes (especially!!), and the vital importance of her and her brother in my daily life (the ways they filled me and helped me)....that was SO important for me to hear echoed back. When I share such deep and meaningful (and now painful) parts of her/their life with me with others, it's so personal and sacred a sharing that receiving validation and connection with someone about that becomes tantamount....and if I don't get it, I can easily crash and burn. You clearly, clearly understand the hugeness and gravity of this and of how 'insanely' much they meant to me, and still do, and always will....as well as the huge meaning their lives held, and not just to me, but to any way I myself might affect others in a positive way from here on in. You're so, so right...it feels "horrifying" (good description!), demeaning, UNsacred, incredibly insulting and even blasphemous(!) when this isn't recognized and respected....and handled delicately.

I know full well that after an important loss we have to REdiscover, rework, and sometimes even invent new ways to give our lives some meaning again. I think that's the very hardest part about the entire process. And since the biggest meaning for my life always came from being a Mom to my precious kids (just as it often is for any parent, especially the mothers), I'm adrift in a sea of confusion now as to what possible purpose I could even serve. I'm not discounting any skills and talents I possess and I'm quite aware of those, but by themselves, THEY don't give me MEANING and PURPOSE. So I don't yet know where I'm to go from here. I really hate this part of the journey. It's in the mornings when I first wake up that I really wish I hadn't even woken up, ever again. I'd even started to feel this way when Nissa was getting more ill (the last year, in particular)...now it's that much worse. I was only going on for HER sake at times, the anticipatory grief was already so hard to deal with. This part is indeed just as bad, and sometimes even worse, than I'd imagined it to be....that's pretty bad, as I have a pretty darn good imagination for such things! In the few better moments I have, I can feel like I'll make it through this, but there just isn't the same incentive to do so now. And it doesn't feel like there will be any reward for having survived. It's like my life doesn't really matter to anyone in the same way it did to Nissa and Sabin. That's when it feels more like that living death sentence...knowing I will most likely survive, but not of my own choosing, and for an as-yet-unknown reason. And THAT'S why I think I need to surround myself with fellow animal lovers. They need to fill that role as buffers from the harsh realities I'm finding in too many others. They need to fill in for my babies' role that way. And if they could possibly be delightfully furry, too, that would be even better!

I think there has been no more appropriate a place so far to now make my first-ever attempt at posting a tender pic of me and my girl, so I'll give it a go and hope it works. If nothing shows up I'll have to get my H to come to my aid later and see if he can get it to work properly. Here goes nothing!

Furkidlets' Mom

What a wonderful picture of you and your Nissa! So much love. Oh and congrats on getting it up! Somehow I really don't think the universe wants you to be alone, you have so much to give.

I know it's your babies birthday today, it would have been 20 years. I know it's hard, the first without your Nissa. I just wanted you to know someone remembered and is thinking of you.

Love
Lori

Thanks, Lori, for remembering, and for the nice comment about me and my gal. I truly appreciate your kindness. Looks like you're the only one who's noticed my first (large) pic of my darling Niski. I also added one of Nissa and Sabin under ratlover's first thread, since she'd asked for one. (also switched around my avatar so they're facing each other, as it should have been in the first place ~ we weren't thinking straight then)

Today's been really hard, just as you said. I lit 20 tealights out on Sabin's grave and where Nissa will be laid to rest, too. We sang Happy Birthday to them (I'd already done this earlier in the day as well), I lit candles inside the house, too, and we did some work on compiling some of the voice recordings of Nissa, which we'll put some of on the talking Christmas ornament I bought this year...never got that done over holidays. And we watched some of her video's from '05....our playtimes together managed to make me chuckle a few times and it always feels sort of like I've had a little visit with my girl, but it kills me inside at the same time. One scene of her and I kissing almost did me right in. I've not yet looked at whatever we've got from '06. I'm kind of saving it, ekeing it out slowly....plus, it's gonna really hurt, knowing that as we progress from there, that it's getting closer to the last bit we have....and what that means. Our very last footage was from her 3rd last day with us. It could be many years before I'm strong enough to stand seeing that again.

Sat down later to watch a recorded TV series that had restarted this week, and my heart started pounding really hard in my chest, knowing that this time last year when it restarted, my girl was on my lap, just like always. Had to stop watching for awhile 'til I could calm down some. All these little 'firsts' are so horrible, too.

It all still cuts like a knife. I miss my kidlets so horribly much and the pain is beyond description, but I'm sure everyone here knows what that feels like. Thanks again so much for noticing her picture...that was important to me.

Oh, what an awesome picture! It must have been so hard for you to share, but I am deeply grateful for your effort. It is hard to put into words how profoundly this beautiful image affects me. So much love between you and your girl...how could anyone with a living, beating heart fail to see the significance of the bond between you? There is so little of this kind of pure love on this earth that you would honestly think that people would recognize it as beyond price, and exalt it, protect it, hold it sacred. But I guess that would make too much sense, and some people wouldn't employ common sense even if they had some.

The two of you are so, so beautiful, Furkidlets' Mom. The lovely decorated tree behind you is so poignant, how it speaks of a warm, loving home, another rarity in this world (that anybody with any sense would trade any amount of riches and peer approval to have.) I weep to think of you surrounded by ignorance and idiocy. I'm so sorry that you hurt for your girl Nissa, and your Sabin, in such a lonely place of the heart, when you are one of the spirits who make this earth bearable. I pray that we here can communicate to you how deserving we know you are, and thank you enough for sharing such an intimate image of love with us. If you don't mind I would like to save the picture in my computer because I want to include it in Larry's Memory Book. This is a book that I am making a little at a time that I want to keep forever just for me. It has the sad things in it but also the precious, unforgettable things, among which are the thoughts and condolences of people here. This photo is such a powerful symbol of the kind of love I want to remember by keeping the book.

Thank you, ever so much, my heart has been touched and warmed by your sharing.

Take care,

lynda

Fk's mom

Lighting all those candles sounds like a beautiful tribute for your darlings' birthday. I haven't peeked at the other thread you mentioned yet, but I'm anxious to see the picture you posted so will be going there next.

I know you talked about how hard it is to watch the recordings of Nissa but I'm so thankful that you have them. I have about a dozen pictures of Alley, but no video footage or voice recordings. I would give anything to have those since the pictures don't really convey her personality.

I know you have been studying a lot of different subjects related to pets and loss and I was just wondering if you had given any thought to reincarnation? Its something I've been mulling over lately, because I've always somewhat believed in it (I don't 100% believe in anything, still searching for my answers). Its just that I love the idea that someday my Alley might be reborn into another little body and come back to me. I know that you have mentioned you might never get another cat which is sad to hear because you have SO MUCH love to give them, and I think its a shame that there is some little kit out there, someday, who would love to be loved by you! But I wonder if you would feel the same, if you looked into the little eyes of a kit and felt Nissa's presence?

Alley was the younger sister of my cat Wiley, who I only had for a year but loved a lot. He was run over by a car one morning and I was devastated. When I ran into the people I got him from and they mentioned they just had kittens, it seemed like a sign. When I got Alley, and she was all black like Wiley, they even shared the odd trait of one single white whisker on the left side, it seemed like even more of a sign. Alley turned out to be long haired rather than short, and her personality was nothing like his but I still felt like he wasn't truly gone when I had her.

Just another thing to ponder I guess....

Furkidlets' Mom

Both your pictures are just great, your girl was so pretty. The videos are a wonderful memory and a heart shattering time. We only have one, of Moose at his first Christmas. He was about 3 months old. It's been our habbit to watch it and laugh every Christmas. We did manage to watch it this year, but it just made us sob. He was so small and cute and precious. It's a tresure no matter what, I wish we had more video. You'll watch the 2006 stuff when you can. The treasure and the knife, it's so hard.

Lighting the candles and singing happy birthday was so sweet. I'm sure they heard you.

Moose's BD was only 3 weeks after he passed. I was so sad and mad at him at the same time. I was wishing he had just waited, but I guess no time is a good time to lose them. We managed a candle.

AlleysMama

I believe in reincarnation. It would be wonderful to find some of my guys again, but that is one thing that had never happened to me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not looking hard enough. I agree with you, it would be a great loss if Fk's mom never got another kitty. Not just to her but to the cat world. There just aren't enought people who take such good care of their kids.

Love
Lori

Lynda,

To borrow your own words...it is hard to put into words how profoundly your reply affects me! I'm SO happy you responded to this picture of mine.

Yes....oh, YES! You really 'get' it, girl, and put it in such a wonderful way, especially the "exalt" part!! That's exactly how I feel about our love, too. But unfortunately, NO ONE who's not on this board seems to realize the profoundness of it.

In fact, I've seen too many people who were right there in the same room with us, when Nissa finally changed her mind and decided that it wasn't too private and personal a thing between us to sometimes allow others to witness, actually recoil in disgust at the fact that I was allowing a cat (not my feline daughter, but 'just a CAT') to touch my lips with hers....you know...that silly, old idea that because they bathe themselves, they must be absolutely filthy! (probably never think about where their young human children's mouths have been!) Beyond that, they could understand nothing more....definitely not thinkers OR feelers. And even telling them that Nissa very rarely ever had the need to clean her private parts didn't make any impact. They certainly didn't consider the FACTS that tell us the human mouth is usually far more germy than theirs, nor the utter sweetness and blessings behind these kisses, which was more to the point anyway! And in all UNfairness....some of these people didn't feel the same, negative way about canine kisses.....more prejudice. There were only a few who went, "Oh, LOOK!! AAAaaawwwww!!.....", as I and my H beamed with total pride about how incredibly loving our girl was, and how she demonstrated that. And of course, how could a Mom not feel so incredibly special, when her kisses were given ONLY to me?! How could anyone expect that I would NOT miss in an all-consuming way such a, dare I say, Creator-like individual when deprived of her physical presence by 'death'?! And kisses or not, our babies are ALL Creator-like...if only humans have the eyes to see and the heart to open to the Truth. I like to think, though, that it was my heart-rays that allowed Nissa to feel safe enough to be true to her own nature in such a wonderful manner in the first place. That, plus believing that she and I (and Sabin, of course!) were absolutely made for each other. I loved kissing, and so MY girl just had to as well! It was written in the stars that she and I were to be together....I feel this with all my soul. How do I ever write a tribute that even comes close to explaining the wonder who was my Hun-Bun?

I would be completely honoured to have you help immortalize my sweet Nissa in your Memory Box! And what a wonderful idea that is to include condolences from here, too! I'd never thought of doing that, but now may play copy-cat, if that's okay! (hey, ALL the cat-games are good, no?) To use this image of us to symbolize profound love....holy crow...it made me cry tears of grat*itude...I'm just blown away...this gesture, this concept, makes me almost feel like Nissa is kissing me, though you.....wow.

Your generous and giving heart has touched me deeply, too, Lynda. I see Larry and you were 2 peas in a pod as well, and I'll bet that if he could have typed, he would have sounded just like his mom!! Saying, as you did, that I "make this earth bearable"....something about that particular phrase just made me feel more useful, even though others have said similar things (for which I'm equally grateful)...it just hit me differently, somehow...and I thank you for that and will try my best to use it for strength in carrying on as best I can. Speaking of those who make life more bearable....count yourself at the top of that list!



Paula,

Yes, I AM so very glad we at least have this much of Nissa's life recorded in so many ways, and you're very right that all these different mediums help memorialize our loved one's personalities. I just went hog-wild after Sabin passed and I realized with horror that I hardly had anything at all to remind me of his hugely important life....it was a lesson learned the hard way. My boy taught me so much, it isn't funny. I AM so very sorry that my talking about this ended up inadvertantly causing you (and who knows how many others?) added grief and yearning. Despite having some very wonderful things on my 'list', I also end up feeling this way often, too, depending on what it is I'm missing out on. I do wish we all had absolutely everything we each need or want, to make mourning a bit easier to live with. I've still got my fingers crossed that you'll get those pics of Alley ASAP and that they'll help you feel a bit more like you've regained a little piece of her. It's funny, though...no matter that I have so many pics and other stuff....I still end up feeling like even THAT wasn't nearly enough, or they're not all good enough....because what we really want, in the final an*alysis, is to just have our babies back HERE, and to have our old lives with them back. If it helps, NOW I worry about a possible fire or other catastrophe, and losing any or all of these things , now that I don't have to worry about losing her, herself. Everything physical in life is a double-edged sword.

As to reincarnation, why yes, I do believe in it, strongly. Not to say that it's a given, but I believe every soul has the choice to come back to the physical or not. I don't think it's a mandatory thing, as some religions do. I've not only read of but have personally heard from others I know who've made a very good case for either themselves or people they know having experienced a loved animal come back. Sometimes they look strikingly similar...other times they don't, or are a different species entirely. I remember one cat who loved, of all things, fava beans ....and the similar-looking cat who came into this woman's life a few months later.....loved fava beans, too! And their personalities were quite similar, but it was the beans that finally convinced her!

And yes, since it was Nissa herself who already expressed the desire to come back to me, with Sabin in tow, and together as they were before....AND that they'd BOTH told me thru communicators that I'd "know them through their EYES" (!!), this is a strong possibility in my mind. THIS is what I'd ultimately be holding out for. And if they came back as territorial as before....well, I'd just better not have anyone else already in THEIR home, cluttering up THEIR space, eh?! I honestly believe that they are simply waiting for their Mom to say she's ready again, and to 'dream up' what I'd like them to look like again, just as it was the first time! So of course I'd feel differently (can we say instant recognition and heart like buttah?) if I saw their souls in their eyes, in new bodies!! I'd be jubilant beyond measure! So this possibility is really all that keeps my heart ticking into the future. And actually, the vet who performed Nissa's euthanasia told us of his own dog's reincarnation....he was completely positive about it, as those who've experienced it always seem to be.

You, too, might want to get Kim Sheridan's book (Animals and the Afterlife) and read what she's compiled from other animal lovers about their own experiences with reincarnation. I think you'll find great comfort and hope from it. For me, it was just another of countless confirmations about it, as I'd already known, w/o a shadow of a doubt, that I'd been with Sabin (at the very least, and likely Nissa, too) in another lifetime....if not more. My SOUL knew it, period, no debate, though not when I first adopted them, but later, when I got to know them. And suddenly, one fine day, it hit me like a rock, a knowing out of 'nowhere'....here was one of my soulmates from eternity. So I also believe that it's true that we form energetic families of souls who we meet time after time (like the song Nissa sent me as a sign) and are linked with each other forever....at least the ones we love deeply. Others, too, even some of the 'problem' souls, might stick with us, to teach us things we need to know, but they may not be eternally bonded with us in the same way. I find it all incredibly fascinating, as well as comforting.

So who knows if Wiley may have come back as Alley? Their personalities aren't always the same, depending on what purposes they've come back for. So it's a possibility that I wouldn't discount. And that unique whisker may have been the clue....sorta reminds me of Sabin's white tip on the end of his tail, which I like to ponder about being present again if they come back. Often it IS how we FEEL inside that's the biggest indication of what's really going on. Perhaps you could consider that all that's happened, through your kids, has partly been for the purpose of opening up your mind to all sorts of wonders....and more to come....

Lori,

It's so lovely to hear my girl being called "so pretty"! Naturally, me and my H always thought she and her brother were gorgeous kidlets, by anyone's standards! And of course, they DID come to me just as I ordered, so I guess I have pretty good taste!

Oh, I can certainly see both why your treasured video of Moose was a wonderful Christmas tradition and why it would cut so deep, yet be even more treasured now. You have more courage than I....I don't think I could have dared to keep that tradition in the first year, at least. Your poor hearts....

I'd actually wanted to find and buy a couple of chocolate mice for their birthday, but all I could seem to find locally online was chocolate hedgehogs, so gave up since my energy was dwindling (and I don't really need to be eating any MORE chocolate). As usual, I was hoping for some kind of sign of their presence all throughout the day, but especially when we sang the B-Day song for them....but nothing became apparent....sigh....

Yah, a candle would have been all I could have managed, too, if Nissa's birthday had been anywhere near the day she crossed, like Moose's was. That would have been harder than hard, and your mixed feelings are more than understandable. Do you feel like you're torn between what age you should think of him as being? I find I tend to think of Nissa as more like 20, rather than the 19 and 7 months that she really was....just because she'd lived a greater proportion of the year than she didn't. With Sabin this wasn't an issue that way because he passed only 13 days after their birthday, and at age 13.

It was really uncanny. His #'s are 02/02/2000; age 13, 13 days after turning 13. So when he started sending me his #13 all the time, it was highly significant. He obviously has a 'thing' for numbers! And after that, so did I. And it was Sabin, in a communication soon after he passed, who'd told me that "the one who works with numbers" would be the one to decide when to help Nissa cross, and that it was most likely she'd need help. At the time, I erroneously first thought that would more likely be my H, who's great at math, but was puzzled because I couldn't imagine NOT being the one to decide such a thing on her behalf...even though I also couldn't even imagine having to decide such a thing by myself. But not only did I end up working with #'s in my daily recording of Nissa's health and welfare, but I was the one who'd realized the significance of #'s ever since his passing and so 'worked' with them foreverafter to find meaning in events. And so, it WAS me who made the final determination about helping Nissa. And Sabin, the ever-wise soul, was right...again. I find this all extremely profound. My kids stir my soul like no one else ever has.

So far, though, I haven't reconciled any meaning to Nissa's having gone on the 23rd of the month. I keep thinking it should have been the 22nd, which was the day we'd requested at first. I hope this didn't screw anything important up.

That's so sweet of you (and ALL of you) to think it would be a waste if I didn't do the Mom-role again. I do know what you mean, though and intellectually I agree, too. So I guess my job is to get beyond the fears associated with that responsibility, as well as find a vet here who I'd trust implicitly to help with that task. And I'd still rather wait for my original kids to come back, because I'm afraid all others would simply pale by comparison....and after having kids as great as mine?....how could I NOT compare????

Furkidlets' Mom

Well of course your Nissa was gorgeous and beautiful! I don't know why that picture made me say 'so pretty', she just was. She just looks like a wonderful darling.

I never would have watched that video if it had been up to me. Moose really was my husbands 'special friend'. So I'm trying to do what helps him the most. He wanted to watch it, he thought it would help him, so we did. I loved Moose so much, but my 'special kitty friend', Butch died 10 years ago. I well remember how bad that hurt, still does. I'm trying to do everything I can to support my husband. Some of what helps him and gives him comfort just tears my heart right out. I'm trying to be strong. I guess you guys know what a wuss I really am.

You do compare, you can't help it. What I try to do is be delighted with what they do that is similar to the one who passed, and be delighted with what they do different. It amazes me that they all have such different personalities.

Well Moose would have turned 10 on his Birthday, which wasn't his Birthday really. It was the day we got him from the petstore. He was about 5 weeks old so he really passed his Birthday before he died, but we were thinking of him as 10 anyway by then, it was so close. My poor baby.

Love
Lori

FK's Mom

I don't know if its all your stories of Nissa or what, but I've found myself eyeing the blue kitties on the petfinder site a lot lately! I had one for a short time when I was very young. I only have one picture of him when he was a tiny kitten, but oh it is the cutest little thing I ever saw! I'll have to dig it out and scan it for you! So now I am torn between a black one and a blue-grey one when I do move and am able to get a kitty!

At the moment, I only have time for one, short reply, but just HAD to when I read your post, Paula....

What a great compliment to Nissa!! As Anne of Green Gables said (I think it was that character in the L.M. Montgomery series)..."There's no true cat like a GREY cat." But why not get BOTH?!?!? Black and grey worked for ME! And if they have some Oriental blood in them, they'll also be REEEEAAALLLLLY conversational, and affectionate, to boot! We thought that Nissa may have had some Russian Blue come through in her, too, as her fur had that downy, thick and fuzzy undercoating, too, whereas Sabin's was just sleek, sleek, sleek...and velvetty as heck!

Yes, DO dig that picture out if you can ~ I'd LOVE to see him! In the meantime, here's the very first pic I ever took of Nissa. I was always too busy playing with them when they were little kidlets (got them at 9wks.) to think of picking up my camera.....stupid, stupid, stupid. Missed all those shots of them fitting into our pockets....dang!

Oh, and I HAVE to include the very FIRST picture we got of Nissa's kisses....my girl hardly ever changed, at least in her Mommy's love-filled eyes. (I, on the other hand, don't look much like this anymore! ) She gave me my first kiss the day she was spayed, so was only a few months old here.

Oh what perfect pictures! Nissa was such a little doll! I absolutely love them, thank you for sharing them with us. I used to try to give Alley kisses but she would just look at me like I was insane or something!

Here is a picture of my grey kitty Simon that I had when I was about 10. He was run over on purpose by a mean neighbor after only a year I have another picture where he is sitting up in this little chair looking at the camera but I think it must be in my mom's photo albums because I can't find it. This one doesn't show him as well, but he was such a little cutie. Losing Alley has brought back so many memories of other kits I have loved and lost over the years. As special as they all were to me, none were more so than my Alley.

Before I go to bed, just wanted to let you know what a bundle of sweet cushiness your Simon was! It makes me absolutely sick about what your #%!!**! of a neighbour did to him and I can well imagine how that might still haunt you, and be brought to the surface again with the loss of Alley. I think I might have plotted to kill that neighbour, even at such a tender, young age, if I'd been you.

That's okay though, about Alley not wishing to be subjected to kisses. As you said, she lived life on her own terms! And Sabin only kissed me once, by mistake. He'd let me kiss him on his "smoochie lips" (or anywhere else), and liked it, but he was never the kissING type himself. He left that up to us gals. His 'bit' was getting rubs, all kinds, everywhere, as many as possible in a day, for as long as possible...especially if he caught me on the 'can'....I sure had numb-bum a lot!

Furkidlets' and Alley's Moms,

OMG, such precious baby kittens...little Nissa and little Simon. I mean, come ON, how obvious does poor old God have to make it, these are His personal treasures He is letting us borrow. Paula, anyone who can't see this has a bigger problem than any of us earthbound mortals possibly plotting to kill him...he's going to have to explain to his Maker what exactly his big idea was, treating such treasures with disregard and disrespect. It won't be pretty.

Not that just everybody escapes a taste of the punitive here on this earth. Now, far be it from me to advocate violence among human children, but both of you might appreciate my story of how I burned one of these types with a little righteous h-fire at the tender age of 7. Our neighborhood bully ( 11 years old at the time) came into my back yard one day, knowing that my parents weren't home. At the time I kept some pet pigeons. Bully Boy had his BB rifle slung across his shoulder, with the barrell pointing up, and had his back turned to me. Before he had a chance to become a one-man firing squad, I saw my chance. I jumped up and grabbed the barrell of the rifle, and my weight pulled the stock of the rifle up and it hit him in the mouth. He was so surprised he didn't hold onto the gun, and I got it, and hit him again with it. He was a bloody mess.

I hid from him for weeks, but he never bothered me again. Years later I learned that he had gone home and told his mother that he was out exploring and fell off a house roof.

Anyway, I wanted to send you a picture of our little girl who does kisses. My husband and I adopted her from PetsMart. It was 8 months after Atticus passed away that we found this little girl, and my heart was ready to take her into it with love. Somehow the heart knows when it is time.

Her name is Alicia. She will run up to either my husband or me when we call her name, and kiss us on the lips. Here in the South, this is called "giving sugar," and it can mean pets as well as humans kissing.

Lynda,

I love the BB gun story! So many of them go unpunished (in this life) but isn't it nice when once in a while a bully does get what's coming to him?

And how gorgeous is that Alicia?? What a beautiful girl! My mom used to call Alley by that name sometimes. please do give her a kiss for me!

FK's mom -

Simon WAS a cutie! I got him from an ad in the paper for kittens, and when I went to pick him out he was the only grey kitty in a litter of all black ones. I had intended to get a black one like usual but when I saw him I just couldn't resist! I always had cats growing up, usually with a tragic end (perhaps I'll share the stories here someday... there is one that still haunts me to this day..) but Simon was the first cat who was "mine" so he was special.

Alley didn't like kisses, but boy did she like belly rubs! One of my sweetest memories of her is how she used to get in bed with me at night, most of the time she would curl up on the other side or the foot of the bed, but sometimes she would lay right up against me with her back against my front, spooning position I guess. Then she would stretch all out (and she was Long!) with her head on my arm and I would rub her belly for her. She loved it and would just purr so loud. We would usually fall asleep like that and stay that way for hours until she decided she needed to go investigate something and got up.

Keep your fingers crossed for me, the pictures are supposed to be going in the mail today, so we'll see. I dread them and look forward to them at the same time.

Keep the pictures of Nissa and Sabin coming! They are wonderful.

Furkidlets' Mom

What great pictures of Nissa! What a darling baby! What a face she had, she looks like a queen. So regal and beautiful. So cute the picture of you guys kissing! What a sweet girl. Thank you for sharing them.

AlleysMama

Oh what a precious baby! Simon was a doll! Poor baby to die like that, I'm so sorry. I had a black kitty, Bast, who was stolen at halloween and killed for some stupid reason. It took me a long time to forgive her killers, but in the end I knew I was just hurting myself to hold on to that anger and hate. It's a whole different way to grieve when you are also so angry at the killer.

I agree with FK's mom, why not get two? A black one and a blue one. OMG that would be great!

Lynda

Alicia is such a beauty! So gorgeous. Give her some sugar from me!

I just have to share this picture of my Autumn. This was last Valentine's day. She is my sweetheart! (yes she is up on the table, lol)

Love
Lori

Lori -

My boyfriend has cat allergies. They are not severe, just very mild, but its going to be a challenge to keep things vacuumed, etc. with just one cat. I think if I were to get two, it would be too much to keep up with and he would have problems. If it wasn't for that I would definitely get two siblings somewhere.

AlleysMama

Piff have him take a pill!

Sorry I understand, I just had to say that

Love
Lori

Hehe!

He likely will have to take one pretty often, which I feel bad about... but not bad enough to do without a kitty any longer than I have to!

More later, but for now....forget the pill (even tho I agree with the sentiment! LOL!)- check out THIS simple and effective way to eliminate allergies for good!
NAET allergy elimination technique

It sounds off the wall, but it really works! You can probably find a pract*itioner of this no matter where you live, it's become so wide-spread now. We used it once for a couple of allergies, for Nissa, as one of her vets had trained in it. It's simple, pretty affordable, and cures instead of just masking symptoms. Wouldn't it be nice to be ABLE to have 2 wonderful babies instead of just one?

Lynda,

Oh, Alicia is just beautiful!! She looks SO soft and silky! Does someone get groomed regularly? And I'm SO glad you, too, get to experience the sweetness of a kittie-kiss! Isn't it just the cat's meow? "Giving sugar" ~ what a lovely expression!

Oh, that's perfect! You and your words ROCK!

Violence aside, sometimes it seems the best way to fight fire is with fire. Just as in homeopathy, like cures like! I'm so PROUD of you for giving that little heathen a taste of his own medicine! And even happier that you saved the lives of your pidgeons by taking such a stand on their behalf! I'll bet he thought twice or even three times before he tried anything like that again. Who knows? Maybe you actually ended up saving him from a life of crime.....or hunting. That one act might have spared the lives of hundreds in the future. So you GO, girl!

Paula,

So Alley and Sabin had something in common...he loved tummy-rubs, too! We, too, used to spoon (in bed or elsewhere) and he'd stretch out all lean and long, too, so that I could stroke his tummy while he purred, also loudly. I also used to be amazed at how looooong he could get, though he was also such a small cat, barely bigger than his sister.

Nissa's purrs were much softer and quieter by comparison...tho she DID do this really neat little LAYERED purr - a regular purr 'underneath', while at the same time doing this breathy, broken and higher-sounding purr 'on top'. I don't know how she managed such a feat, but it was something else!

But back to Sabin....you're more lucky in that Alley stayed with you for longer in bed. Sabin got so hot so soon (he was our Little Furnace Boy, with his own BTU's, or as we called them, Bud Toastie Units) that he'd head down to my legs, or up to my pillow, w/i minutes. If I got REALLY lucky, I'd get both him and Nissa under the covers with me in a cave for a short while before one or both would head out to the open air above the covers.

It wasn't until Sabin left that Nissa immediately began sleeping with me ALWAYS wrapped up in my arms, and often for the entire night. We just needed each other so much then....and I suspect that she'd also been just waiting until she could have me ALL to herself anyway! There was no better feeling in the world than waking up with my girl in my arms, burying my nose in her fur from behind or in front (depending on which way she was then laying) and having her wake me with her kisses. She kept me in bed for more mornings than I can count, but never as many as I wanted, having to still get up to get her breakie so she'd eat enough in a day.

Snoozing with cats....what greater riches could we wish for?.....sigh....I always told her I wished we could spend an entire day in bed, just snoozing and cuddling and kissing...but it wasn't until her last 2 days that we finally managed to do pretty much that, in total...but I can't go there today, it's just too hard....just as your long wait for those pictures from your mom is!! I've got my fingers crossed, and if they don't arrive soon, maybe I should have a talk with her?!!!

Lori,

I'm so glad you're enjoying these pics, too. It makes me feel better to share my gal's uniqueness, and commonalities, with all of you. You know, I always told her that I didn't know how she managed it, but she did....to look both cute as a button, yet beautiful in a more dignified kind of way, all at the same time! Whereas Sabin, to me, was just gorgeous all the time...even whilst being a really, big goofball! That was partly why I chose the names I did for them...to preserve that sense of dignity...even though I love all sorts of names. Hence, my plethora of nicknames for each of them. It was one way to have my cake and eat it, too!

And OMG, I can't (yet can, more's the pity...) believe that you, too, had such a tragic event happen with one of your own as well!! You're a bigger person than I, as I don't know how in the world I'd EVER get over the rage and hate. I know we do it for our own self-preservation, but still...gad, that's just a nightmare come true. Since I'd heard all the stories, I always kept our kids right beside me when we were outside, for a whole month before Halloween, especially with Sabin being black. Our newer neighbours are doing the same for theirs, too, as one of their's is black as well. There's just no accounting for all the evils in this world.

On a better note, your Autumn is a real honey! Does she virtually disappear in piles of leaves? And never mind that table thing.....Goodness!, the only places I ever tried to keep our kids off of were places where they might be harmed, not that we were always successful, mind you. Sabin was the worst this way, so reckless and daring (that living BIG thing he did). He liked to taunt me by getting up on one of the railings at the top of the stairs, with a sheer drop down one floor to the foyer, and that wooden railing was slippery! He was a real wild man when playing, and one day he got up there before I even knew where he'd gone....landed on top of the plant with glass stand I had in the foyer. Lucky for him, nothing moved and all was well. Mom learned HER lesson then, and promptly hung a huge plant right above that stupid railing! He wasn't happy, but I was more than okay with the new arrangement! He also used to love climbing trees....and like the classic cat, couldn't get down again, so we were constantly rescuing him.

Unlike Nissa, who could climb any tree or ramp and actually listened to her Mom's first instructions on how to climb back down backwards or sideways, to keep her claws in gripping mode. I could just FEEL her pride, should her brother be watching her get down with dignity and claws intact. Sometimes, he'd then wait at the bottom of the tree, just to 'get' her as she approached the bottom...."Make ME look bad, will you, sis?!" What a pair they made! The only usual exception to her swift yet careful ways was when she was being passionate....if she was engrossed in one of our kissy sessions, I swear she'd have fallen off a cliff with her love-mode totally erasing her better feline senses!

I'll have to post more pics later, as my H screwed up something in our pic folder last night and I don't yet know how to fix it.

And say, that reminds me, ladies.....does anyone know about posting more than one pic at a time? Do you just hit the "browse" button again to add another one in one post? And can you also add a pic as a "modify post" afterwards?

I can't thank you all enough, for the sharing of both pics and stories, feelings, compliments and thoughts here. It's helping me to get through this again-terrible day. I think Nissa sent you all to me, knowing how much her Mommy needed some company and caring hearts.

Furkidlets' Mom


LOL well kind of Thanks for saying she is a honey. You can't really see it in pictures but she has a small orange stripe just above the black band on her white neck. I always kid her that it's her necklace. With Moose in the tux and Autumn with her necklace and gloves, I always thought of them 'out on the town, dancing in the moonlight'. I used to kid them about it. We got her the end of August and with her coloring, what else could we name her but Autumn? Yes my kids go wherever they want, unless it would hurt them. My mom almost had a heart attack the first time she visited and one of them got on the table. Hey it's their house not hers. One day, when we are doing a bit better, remind me to tell you the story of Autumn and the broiler, it's kinda long.

Moose used to climb trees but couldn't get out of them! Maybe it's a boy thing.
Our kids only went outside on a leash and harness, they got very good at it. A short leash just wasn't good, so we got some very thin rope and gave them a good amount of it. They dragged us many places, once through a rose bush. Once Moose got in a tree and fell out. His rope caught him, and we were right there, but daddy almost broke his neck trying to get a ladder and get him down. He was just dangling there for a time, while we got the stuff to rescue him, his little legs down and his middle up in the harness. I'm afraid mommy found it quite funny, but Moosie was not amused.


Erm not being a great techie, I'm not sure of your first question. But you can add a picture in "modify post". I had to do it with the one of Autumn 'cause I said I was gonna put it up, and then forgot to do it! I have no mind left, ya know?

Again I'm thinking of you, I know how hard today is.

Love
Lori

Multiple photos:

If you have Adobe Photoshop or something like it, you can always make a "collage" of multiple pics. You will just have to watch out that you don't make it a very large size. Here is the recipe:

Prepare your photos that you want to use so that they are sort of small. I do that by opening each one in Photoshop and clicking on the Image menu. There is an option there for specifying what size you want the image. All the kinds of software that handles pics has this instruction somewhere...figure out how to re-size the image. Be sure to save it as a copy, so your original remains unchanged.

Create a big canvas to serve as the background for your collage. In Photoshop you do that by clicking File > New and giving the dialog windows the dimensions you want. Make a canvas big enough to hold your little pics as if they were on a bulletin board. If you would like a color background, click on your foreground color box (it should look like a square that is in front of another square.) A window comes up where you can pick a color. Make sure the dropdown menu on this box is set to "foreground color." Go to the "Select" menu and choose Select All. You will see that the whole area is active because it is surrounded by a continuous line of dashes that look like marching ants. Then the Edit menu, choose Fill. It asks you again and you choose Foreground Color. When you get the color you want, Select > Deselect and the ants disappear.

Each of the collage photos go on like this: File > Open and open the file (if it isn't open already on your screen.) Select > All and the ants appear around your photo. Choose the Move tool (it's a bold, diagonal arrow on most programs), then use it on your photo to drag it and drop it onto the big canvas. Move it around where you want by holding down the left mouse as you move and letting go of it where you want to stop. When you're done with one, go and do the same to the next one. Photoshop will let you have lots of different files come up on the same screen. You can drag them around the screen with your mouse so you can see what you're doing.

If you are using Photoshop, you will notice an area to the left of your work space that seems to be listing lots of different layers. Don't worry about them if you don't understand them. They are the power and beauty of Photoshop, allowing techies to manipulate images like magicians, but if you have not worked with them don't worry about them right now. When you get your collage the way you want it, and you're sure, go to the Layers menu and choose Merge Visible or Flatten Image. What that will do is put all the layers together and give you a smaller file that is okay to upload here. You won't see your creation change but it is now one layer and that makes it more digestable for the forum.

Now save your file as a jpeg with a nice name so you can find it again by name. If it isn't too big, it's ready to be called up by the Browse button here, like you do your other photos.

Let me know if you get where you're trying to go, or not. I hope this helps!

FK's mom

As for posting pictures, rather than attaching them to the message, I use a photo hosting site, which is free, you just have to create an account. Once you upload the pictures, it gives you a code to paste into the messages here so that you can post multiple pictures. That way, they are not actually on this site taking up space. The ones I use are photobucket.com and imagecave.com they are both great and easy to use.

I love the stories about Sabin climbing like a little daredevil! Alley wasn't much of a climber or jumper. She was a chubby girl and very lazy, kinda like her mama!
She did used to climb the ladder that was propped against the house though and spent lots of time on the roof. If the ladder was leaning to steep though she couldn't climb back down and I would have to go up after her. It was so funny to watch her when she did come down it though, she would go face first and try to jump from rung to rung without tipping over because her backside was heavier It was quite the site! How I wish I had some video of her doing that.


Lori-

Now I'm laughing, picturing Moose dangling over a tree branch by his harness!
hehe, I bet he loved that! I tried to put a leash on Alley... once. She layed her fat butt down on the floor and just refused to move and just looked at me like I had lost my mind. lol

Nissa's mommy

I forgot to say, I love the stories of your kids, they are so cute. Sabin's adventures make me laugh. I love that Nissa was such a cuddler!

AlleysMama

It was a hoot, seeing Moose dangling like that. What's worse, daddy was out there with him when it happened and yelled to me to COME NOW, so I did. I wasn't dressed, just threw a short robe on that showed my bum every time I raised my arms! Of course I had no unders on. The neighbors got an eyeful that day. We trained my guys on the leash from the time they were very small. I tried Butch on a leash once, he did much the same as Alley. You could take them for a drag I guess. LOL

Love
Lori

Oh! So much to catch up on already! ( I love it, though! )

Lori,

Moose and Autumn goin' dancing, dressed to the nines! Guess you'll have to get a better pic, so we can see that 'necklace' of hers. I meant to ask...were those flowers for her, or from her to you, or what?

Poor Moose...the indignity of it all, dangling from a tree! LOL! I know cats HATE being laughed at, rather than with, but they're so darn comical, one can't help it! I used to turn around sometimes so they couldn't see me snortin' up a storm, and that helped some to retain their pride...but I'm sure they could still see Mom's shoulders shaking. The funniest part was that Sabin often got even more wild and crazy (and therefore even funnier) if he saw me laughing my fool head off, so it was an endless circle!

Here's another good one about my Kookybeara Boy: Sabin liked to climb into my shirts if they were big enough, especially in warmer months outside, and plunk himself down inside these 'instant caves' for a spooning session. Well, one spring day we were out in the backyard and he climbed inside a thin sweater-jacket I had on, but this time, he kept going....all the way down my sleeve, as I had my arm laying on the ground. I was already starting to laugh, trying to tell him he'd never get out that way. Then the phone started ringing inside the house (no portable back then), and I urged him to back up so I could go answer it. But he had other ideas, so instead he poked his head out right underneath my wrist, so that all you could see of him was his snoot and eyes....no ears...and now, of course, I could no longer bend my arm, nor relax my hand over his head because I didn't want him to panic if he couldn't see. Well, if you've ever had occasion to see a cat w/o ears showing, you know how much like a seal they look! I was desperately trying to somehow remove my jacket w/o 'breaking' him or bending my arm or hand, all while being stretched out on the lawn and trying to half stand up so I could get some better leverage for my endeavor. Realizing how ridiculous this must look, and knowing any neighbour who might catch a glimpse of this but likely wouldn't see the reason I looked like a total spaz, I was laughing so hard I almost peed! I told Sabin, "Oh, the neighbours are gonna think Mom's even more nuts than they already do, if they see this!....some crazy woman flopping around on her lawn like the seal you look like right now, and laughing REALLY loudly all by herself in the middle of her lawn!!" Never did get to that phone call! Oh gawd, my guy kept me so young!

We also tried training them to the leash/harness. And my MIL included this as one of her reminder stories in her note at Christmas. She's so fond of telling people how, when we lived back home but I didn't yet have a backyard fence, she and I were probably viewed as "walking my bushes" because my kids didn't like those darn things one bit, so would simply go somewhere to hide themselves from prying eyes, and then just lay down and stay there while we held leads attached to bushes! Later, once I had a fence, I tried using the harnesses attached to a long piece of parachute cord which was tied to one of those dog leash pegs you screw into the ground. That lasted about 2 wks. before I realized they would always do their very best to wind the cord around every conceivable object out there, all w/i 5 minutes. When I tried putting it in the middle of the lawn, with nothing around but the umbrella for shade....well, the umbrella became the object to be tied up! LOL! It wasn't until later that I found out how dangerous it was to EVER leave cats tied outside, lest another animal sneak in and not allow them to escape or defend themselves properly. At least THAT didn't happen. Hence, my eventual supervision while they remained free of encu*mbrances. Yes, they taught their Mom well! We ALL need our little freedoms!

Lynda and Alley's Mama,

Whoa! Thanks so much for the tutorials on pic posting! And Lynda, you should write text for programs! At least yours are understandable! We do have Photoshop, but just got it recently so haven't had much chance to wade thru it yet, other than doing some editing and touch-up, so this will definitely help. Paula, I don't really understand how something doesn't "take up space" (told you I was 'puter illiterate!) on a site, but we may end up using photobucket instead, if it works better...although I don't relish the thought of putting a whole whack of personal pics up on a really popular website, so I'm not sure. For now, I'm STILL having to wait for my H to fix our problem, as we also mucked with the size of the pics and now almost all of them have file sizes that are too big to be accepted. Me, I spend all of my time typing, rather than learning!


Both Nissa and Sabin liked ladders, too, but yah, not the coming down part, though they could usually manage it....slowly and carefully. We even built little cat-runs in our basement (which has no handy ductwork), complete with carpeted sections for climbing and resting. (now, of course, I'm facing having to take this all down, for the first time in my life....just can't yet) Rooftops were a real treat, too...and then we'd AGAIN look rather odd, calling out to ?? from the middle of the street because we couldn't find where they were up there, with all our different rooflines! Invariably, they'd decide to try to jump down from too high a spot, and we'd have to lead them around to a place where they could jump onto our backs instead. It's always one thing going UP, versus jumping DOWN to a skinny fence-top. It didn't take them more than a few times though, before they knew the routine, so would then just call us to come and get them in front of the front door. The one thing I DON'T miss are all the near-heart attacks I'd get from trying to teach them not to waste their nine lives making foolish mistakes!

It's funny (not)...I can't seem to remember all the funny things Nissa herself would do...even tho Sabin was really more of the clown in our family (along with his Mom!), and many times it was just the 2 of them together being so dang humourous, tripping each other up, leaping head over tail over each other, chasing and slipping, scaring the bejeezers outta each other in play. I'd often just stand and watch, and try to stay out of their way! But for my Nis', it must be the grief that's clouding my memory so far....I'm scared to think TOO hard about her, as I just end up crying.

Oh, I didn't mean to end on a sad note this time...but here it is again, feeling like it's the end of the grandest era on my personal planet, and there's nothing I can do about it. My H thinks it'll take me about 10 years to get over the emotional stuff associated with vets, illnesses, accidents, diets, etc. I don't know if this is really just his secret hope, or if he might be right about that, knowing me so well. I don't even want to imagine what 10 years of this constant yearning would be like! And my kids have set the bar so HIGH now, I'm afraid I'd be bitterly disappointed in anyone else (assuming they don't come back themselves), unless they were JUST as active, funny, nimble, vocal...oh, the whole nine yards, really! We used to tease them about being too well-loved and catered to, ie. spoiled and jaded (never really meaning it, though), but also that they'd spoiled us for anyone else. But the latter part, I fear, is true.

Dear Furkidlet's Mom:

I lost my furbaby on Monday, January 22nd. She had been with me for 17 1/2 years so I can only imagine your grief of a 20 year loss. I so relate to your pain as I feel like I'm falling apart here myself. It's only been 4 days and I'm devastated. Then I stop and think how grateful I am to have had one day with Sable, much less 17 1/2 years. AND then I just cry again.

I share your pain and know that together we can make it. I have a posting with a picture of my Sable (I'm not sure just how to give you the link here yet) called: My baby is gone...cat passing if you'd like to read about Sable.

Take hope to heart dear one!

Sherli, Sable's mom

Nissa's Mommy

LOL it was Valentines day, the flowers were from hubby to me, but we always share. She LOVES flowers, especially babies breath, not to look at, to eat! She pulls out the stems and eats the little white flowers and then rubs against the vase until she knocks it over. I love to watch her, she has so much fun, but I let her do it a while then put the vase where she can't reach it. A whole vase of water is NOT much fun to clean up. She thought the flowers we got for Moose's memorial were just wonderful, she kept trying to get to them and rub them, and I kept getting them down for her to rub. He loved to sit in the wildflowers out front so we got a vase full of wonderful wildflowers for him. Now you are making me think, why should Autumn have to wait for someone else to get flowers to have fun? I'm gonna go order her some to be delivered to her! LOL I have to make sure they have babies breath.

Her orange 'necklace' is so thin it never comes out in pictures, I've tried. The white seems to overwhelm it. Like a thin gold chain, delicate and feminine.

Sabin was such a hoot! They do get in strange places don't they? They do look like seals when their ears are covered. I can just see the two of you rolling around on the lawn, LOL. Big time cat wrestling, it could be on TV. Hey a new reality show! I often wonder what my neighbors think, but guess I don't really care. OMG I laughed so hard at 'walking the bushes'! I know exactly what you mean.

Love

Sherli,

You're so kind, and strong!, to give of yourself to me when you've JUST suffered your own loss of Sable (LOVE her name, btw). I'm so sorry for you and for how she went so suddenly and inexplicably. It has to be so extra-difficult to come to terms with when you don't even have an explanable cause. But I'm glad you're able to hang onto all those wonderful memories and take heart from the fullness they brought to yours and her life. Yes, we DO fall apart, despite this, and why wouldn't we? It's a huge blow and if we're not 'allowed' to fall apart when something like this happens, when we've lost someone we loved so much and who loved us back the same, then when can we?!

17 1/2 is close enough to 19 1/2, in terms of so MANY years of the deep bonds between two hearts, and how those just grow and grow, each and every precious month and year, so I know how the sudden 'separation', surrealness, seeming impossibility and loss of your entire WORLD feels like. While it's still like this even after a much shorter time with a loved one, that one aspect is that much worse after so long a time....even though I DO find some comfort in knowing it wasn't a lifetime cut too short. I distinctly remember the utter RELIEF I felt each year (every birthday) that Nissa lived after her brother, Sabin, had passed...and then the build-up again during the next year, wondering if she'd make it another year with us...until just this year, when there were no more. Oooooh, it's painful, that's for sure.

I couldn't see a pic of Sable, other than your avatar (or is this the one you meant?), but even in your avatar, she looks like such a sweetheart! I hope you can post more pics of her, too, when you're ready, as it seems to help when we share the wonders that our beloveds were, and still are.

Lori,

Ok, good...you got my point! Flowers for Autumn! Yeah! I don't know what it is about baby's breath, but my kids liked it, too...at least until it started feeling TOO dry in their mouths! I always grew some hard wheatgrass for them during the winter, since it's healthy for them and they missed their lawngrass (w/o any lawn chemicals, later in life...wished I'd known that BEFORE Sabin got cancer...) ....and a catnip plant, which, for the first time in all its 15 years, has just died after transplanting it this winter. (now I need to find seeds again, cuz the stray girl LOVES nip). Those kept them pretty much out of any other plants and flowers in the house. Oh, and honeysuckle logs from the cat supply store...another big hit! Nissa also really liked her chlorella tablets, and apparently most cats do ~ another healthy treat.

No, I didn't really care what the neighbours thought, either. We spent hours and hours across the street, standing around in the tall grass keeping watch for them while they either hunted or snoozed in this semi-wild area, or playing Hide & Seek (Sabin's and my fav*ourite!;more on that later!) or going as a family down the riverbank to check out all the 'sniffs', climb rocks and trees (and help our Bud out!)...and keep them WELL away from the fast-flowing water! Mom suffered THE MOST heart attacks down there! Our earlier years were SO filled with fun and games, and Nissa still kept me fairly hoppin' even in her senior years.

Don't forget about your story about Autumn and the broilier...just cuz I KNOW I'm gonna forget to remind you later. MY mind's gone, too!

Nissa's Mommy

Oh we do the wheatgrass, great fun! Yep catnip inside now and outside for the summer, but I don't think I've had one as long as you, very cool. We let weeds grow in our yard for the summer, they really like one kind and we make sure there are lots. They can eat the grass in our yard, we don't use anything that could harm anything. We have learned to live with the bugs and the weeds, heck they are live things too. I think dandelions are so pretty, so bright and yellow. My neighbors hate me.

Oh I'd love to hear more about Sabin and "hide and seek", what fun! We took our kids on some picnic's and once for a week at a cabin in the mountains, I know what you mean about heart attacks near the water.

Autumn and the Broiler.

Autumn will get in any little crack she can squeeze into. She has been lost in the wall, but not for long. She found her way out of that one in about an hour. What an upset hour! Anyway, I was going to broil shrimp, yum. We have a gas stove and the broiler is on the bottom. I opened the broiler, it’s not big, and took the pan out. Put the pan on the table and put the shrimp on it. I turned and noticed the door to the broiler was open, so I closed it. Then like a fool I decided to heat it up, which it does not need, and turned it on.

We heard some loud yelling right away. My husband said “Audie’s in the broiler” and I yelled back “so let her out”. I was thinking she was just in a cupboard, I mean please, but as I was yelling I flipped the door open and Autumn came out! She was smokin’! She had indeed been in the broiler, OMG. She ran and I was right on her tail, I was quite sure she was killed. I was so so scared. I didn’t dare look at her, and hubby is pretty useless in emergencies, so I just grabbed her and stuck her in the bathtub. I started the cold water and just let it poor down over her. I was shaking and sure we were, at the least, going to be spending the night in the kitty burn unit. I was thinking I might get arrested for trying to broil my cat too.

I wrapped her in a towel and went and sat on the bed. I knew she wasn’t killed because she was howling, but I didn’t know if it was in pain or just because she was all wet. I opened the towel slowly. It was a miracle! I looked her over so closely, no burns! She did get some singed fur, and lost the whiskers and eyebrows on her left side, but that was all!

It’s one of those things that are so scary when they happen, but when it comes out okay it becomes just too funny. We laugh so much about Autumn in the broiler. I learned NOT to open that door and take the pan out, with the pan in it’s too small for a cat. She didn’t learn anything, she still gets in small places. She came out with no lasting problems. The whiskers and eyebrows did grow back, but they are smaller and fewer on that side.

Oh and hubby is really a great guy, he just doesn’t handle emergencies well.

Love

awww poor Autumn! I'm so glad she didn't have any lasting harm from her experience.

When I was about 6 years old, we had a cat, Benson who climbed into the dryer. It was an old dryer and the door would often pop open mid-dry. I guess it seemed a warm cozy place for him to sleep. Unfortunatly, nobody knew he was in there and my mom came along and closed the door and re-started the dryer. I am the one who found him, later that evening, when my mom sent me in to get my pajamas for bed. The memories and mental images haunt me to this day. Everyone in my family is now super paranoid about dryers and other appliances that a cat could possibly fit into.

You are so lucky that Autumn's little adventure turned out so great in the end.

Alleys Mama

Oh I know how lucky we were! I've gone over the 'what if's' in my head so often. Like I said, when it's over and it's okay, THEN it becomes funny. It really did add insult to injury to put her in the bathtub and run cold water on her.

I'm so sorry about Benson, and that you found him! Honey you have some of the worst cat stories, my heart goes out to you. Most of us who have had pets a long time have some stories that just sear the mind and break the heart. No matter how careful we think we are being, stuff just seems to happen.

Love

I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm cursed as a cat owner or something! You are right when you said I have some of the worst stories. It seems like something awful always happens to them. Until I got Alley, I never had one make it past the 2nd year and Alley was only 9. I have learned a lot since then though. When I was a kid, it wasn't as big a deal then as it is now (or so it seemed) to get them spayed and neutered. Since mostly what we had were tomcats, I know the things that happned to them, such as being run over or just running off probably wouldn't have happened had they been neutered.

With Alley, I learned the valuable lesson that no matter how much you think you are taking care of them, its best to keep them inside. Alley was well fed, loved, spayed, healthy, and had regular flea and tick treatments but all it took was one little infected tick in the woods to end her life. I think that was part of why my bond with her was so strong also, is because I had her longer than any pet before.

When I am able to get a cat after I move, it will be strictly indoors. I'll probably be paranoid as well, taking it to the vet for every little sneeze.

Sorry for hijacking FK's thread!

Paula....that's okay...it happens and I've even done it myself at times! Sometimes ya just GOTTA keep responding to what someone else says, so no worries!

And yes, you HAVE had too much bad stuff happen with your kitties...gad! I think I'd have nightmares for the rest of my days....so...that speaks to your immense courage to keep trying, with both Alley, and anyone else who might grace your life later! And although I know you're right in the early phases of grief over Alley and what ended her physical life, you also know from hard and grim experience that keeping a cat indoors isn't necessarily a guarantee of anything, either...so I wouldn't worry more than you 'have' to (yes, this from a real Worrier by nature! ) about that one point. Even though we have to think about such things to a certain extent, and at other times, we can't HELP but think about such things, we do know, deep down, that something, someday will result in us grieving over our beloveds....and we just can't control ALL of those horrid possibles. And remember, there ARE all those safe and natural anti-insect solutions out there now (like a more natural diet, garlic and B vitamins), PLUS, you'll be right there with any future baby, to look after her/him yourself and to your own level of satisfaction. Ugh!...I'm probably making a mess of trying to help you feel less angst about all this, and know it might all be falling on ears that aren't able to 'digest' it right now anyway....but I just had to try!

Lori,

ACK! ACK!!....another one of life's worst nightmares! I'll tell you...if I hadn't known that Autumn was still safe and sound here, I could NOT have kept reading! I related your story to my H, too (just HAD to!) and he was wincing and cringing in his seat, too...even knowing your furbaby was okay before I began. I don't know that I could ever come to laugh about it (even tho I understand how that happens later on!), just because, ya know, I think I'd do nothing but relive that ol' heart attack thang....POOR, POOR, SILLY Autumn!! I think I'd be reminding her at every step what her hidy-nature almost netted her once and to be more careful about what she crawled into! I, also, thought about the cold water thing.....oh, poor girl! How you managed to keep your head about you at ALL, I don't know. Me and my H are sort of the opposite of you and yours - HE'S the one who stays calmer in emergencies, while I freak out and have to be DOING something I know something about while he's in charge of calming the injured or hurting one. So he would have had to be the one holding, while I would have done the soaking....but ACK!! I see now why you didn't dare share this earlier! Thank GOD you were right there and opened that door so quickly! Give Autumn a huge frown, and then an even bigger HUG OR KISS from me!!

So Hide and Seek with my Budnicki.....well, Sabin always had a very human-like sense of humour, most apparent to me than when we'd play Hide and Seek, especially in our fav*ourite places outdoors, the best of which was across the street in the tall grasses (which I put forth other reasons to the Town to allow to grow in their natural state, but my MAIN reason was for our kids and I...tee-hee!) that stretched alongside the river escarpment for a long way from our house. There were a few clumps of saplings in one particular section that grew out of the grasses and a rough walking 'trail' where we, and others, had bent the grasses down to make narrow paths. There was also a natural gully right by our house, that lead down to the river itself. So we'd all head across to the grasses until one of us...usually Sabin first...would get a hankering for some fun and games. Sabin would race down one of these tracks and then crash through the untrodden patches of grass where he'd lay down and hide, awaiting either me or Nissa to come 'seek' him out. If it was me, I'd sneak along, getting right into it, often NOT knowing where he'd decided to hide, and if I passed his spot, he'd tear out and dash either to another spot further up or back the way I'd just come, to repeat it all again. Of course, I'd be laughing my fool head off, not just from the game, but because me and my kids and particularly me and Sabin, had such an internal connection that I, swear to God, I could actually feel HIS emotions as we played (or they hunted, or whatever....I now know how it feels to a cat to hunt....while we, as humans, often recoil from watching, knowing what might come, it's a glorious feeling of exhilaration and excitement and many other things to a cat!) and so could delight DOUBLY in this teasing! Sometimes he'd try and trip me up, literally, by dashing into my feet (knowing full well I'd break my neck before I'd ever allow myself to fall on him!) before racing off. The ultimate 'victory' for him was fooling me, then racing down a path to leap into one of those trees and crane his neck around to look at me, saying, "HA, Mom!....I MADE it here, before you could catch me!....YOWW!!" Or scaring the bejeezers out of Nissa by the same methods if she was joining in on the game. Heck, often he didn't give her a CHOICE, and 'made' her chase and be chased, lest she get pounced royally for not complying! Then we'd switch roles, and I'd be the 'hider'. I'd race past him, find a spot to hide, crouch down and then whistle "Yoo-Hoo"...and try not to start giggling while waiting. Even knowing that I usually couldn't possibly be truly hidden most of the time, Sabin would act as if he didn't have a clue where I was, just to keep the game going. Or he would slowly approach my position and either suddenly jump into the grass close to me and sneak up behind me to suddenly yowl, sometimes even 'tagging' me with his paw before running off again. Or he'd stop on the path just before I could see him....then ZOOM right by, making me chase him again. And on those rare occasions where I actually would be hidden from sight, if I happened to startle HIM, he'd yowl again, in delight, and off we'd go again! No matter what variation we came up with though, the best part about it for us was this being totally in sync with each other's thoughts and feelings. Countless times, even if we'd simply been 'browsing' in the grasses, I'd feel this sudden, mischievious twinge inside, and just glance at him and KNOW he was about to "get kooky"....and of course, a split second later, he would! And I could do the same, in reverse, and he'd be ready to chase me the moment I took off. We could seldom REALLY fool each other when we were in these moods, so instead used this synchronization to make the game all the more challenging and therefore, fun! Sabin truly appreciated and understood the way we humans often find humour in scaring each other (like the classic "BOO!" scenario) and so did the same with me and his sister.....who more often didn't appreciate the fun that was to be had from such an insult! While she and her brother had MANY fun times of chasing and leaping over and into each other and the like, Hide and Seek was really mine and Sabin's game, in our child-like and kitten-like hearts. And when we were all done over there, we ALL would join in the merry sprint driveway-bound. If one or both of them seemed to want to get home again, I'd say, "Let me check to see if it's safe first....okay...I'll RACE ya!" and of course, nine times outta ten, I'd be left totally in the dirt, just so I could say when we got back, "SABIN wins!", or "NISSA wins!"....but we all knew, we ALL won, cuz we'd had SUCH a good time together.

Alleys Mama

No I don't think you're cursed. Most of the 'cringe' stories happened when you were a kid, what could you do? I have to say that unfortunately yours is not the first 'kitty in the dryer' story I've heard. Sometimes stuff just happens, we try our best but the little guys have minds of their own. I agree with Nissa's Mommy that you in fact have immense courage to keep on trying. With a new kitty, try not to worry and keep good things for them in mind.

I'm sure not having them nutered had some to do with it, but not everything. I let my Butch out for a while, then I read a thing that said 'outside kitties live an average of 4 years while inside kitties live an average of 14'. I made him an inside kitty right then and there. With Moose we trained him on a leash and were right there with him for his ventures outside, he did very well and loved his time outside.

Nissa's Mommy

Oh great stories about Sabin's hide and seek games! He sounds like such a kooky boy!

I think it's great when one of a couple can 'keep their head' in emergencies. Sometimes I hate being the one, but it's really a good thing.

Love

What a wonderful thing it would be to play games like that with kitties! When I had Alley and Stinky together, they either rolled around on the floor for a minute growling at eachother, or they were curled up asleep together on the bed! What a couple of slugs they were!

My kitty Wiley (older brother to them, same mom, previous litter, hit by car at only a year old) was a little crazy kitty! His nickname was Hellcat and I literally had to close him out of my room at night when he was about 4 months old for a couple weeks. He would just go nuts, jumping on the bed, wanting to play, biting at my hands or any exposed surface He did settle down into just a regular playful cat, but I've never had one that played such interactive games as FK's kitties did.

I have definitely learned a lot, from my own experiences, and from all of you. I think when the day comes that I can let a little soul into my life, I'm going to be a great mama