Hello, I have been lurking and reading posts here, but have not had the strength to
post myself.
I lost my nearly 11 year old cat on December 21st. I have been unable to sleep or
eat normally, and can barely function. I actually had to have my husband take me
and my son (7 months old) to my parents for a week, as I was in no shape to care for
an infant. The grief, and guilt, are overwhelming.
My cat had an autoimmune disorder. I kept prednisone tablets at home for him
whenever he had a skin flare up. I used them judiciously, as prednisone is hard
on them. Around October, he had some fleas, and this led to flea dermatitis, which
he had had before. I treated him with Frontline 2 months in a row. He still seemed
to have fleas, and irritation. One night, right before Thanksgiving, I noticed that he
had really scratched his neck up badly. I had been putting off the prednisone, but
these were so bad, I decided to give him some. I will never forget my husband telling
me to take him to the vet. I said, let's try some pred, and if he isn't better after
Thanksgiving, I'll take him. Well, the week after Thanksgiving, the sores seemed better, and he seemed fine. I got really busy that week, planning my infant son's
first Christmas. The first weekend in December, he slept a lot, but nothing that
struck me as abnormal. Then Monday, he wanted nothing to eat, and had a hard
time jumping on the bed. The next morning, I took him to my vet, who gave him a
shot, and a bottle of amoxicillin. He had a very high fever. She drew blood, and
I took him home.
The next day, he still wanted nothing to eat. I called the vet, and she said, give
the antibiotics a little more time, and she would call me the next day with the
bloodwork. When the bloodwork came in, it was all horrible. Severe dehydration,
kidney and liver out of whack, and an astronomically high white count. She told
me to take him to the hospital right away, which I did. They kept him for five
days on fluids and antibiotics. More bloodwork. His anemia was really bad.
I went over and over in my head, did he injest a toxin? Suffer an injury?
After 5 days, they released him, still ill, but said that I could continue his antibiotics
at home and bring him in 3 days later for follow up. I had to syringe feed him and
he had developed horrible balance problems, so I had to carry him around and to
the litter box.
That weekend, he was obviously worse. I didn't know what to do. I considered another hospital. None of our 24 hour hospitals had an internist on staff. Monday
morning, I called the only internist anywhere around, and the soonest appointment
was for January 4th! The next morning, I knew it was really bad. He awoke to
have trouble breathing. I thougt he was dying on my bathroom floor. I rushed him
back to the hospital and they put him in an oxygen tank. They did a chest x-ray
and said they finally now knew why he was so sick. He had a huge bacterial lesion
on his mitral heart valve. This is a very rare condition called Bacterial endocarditis.
It is a secondary infection that attacks the heart and causes congestive heart failure. His lungs were full of fluid. They started giving him Lasix, but 5 hours later,
even in an oxygen tank, he was having trouble breathing. The doctor explained
that we could give it more time, but the damage to the heart valve was irreversible.
He recommended euthanasia, but my husband and I couldn't go through it. Even
though the vet said he wasn't really responsive, he purred, and knew us, and was
comforted by us petting him in the oxygen tank. I said that I couldn't give up yet.
We finally went home, and got the call about an hour and a half later. They were
losing him. The hospital was 30 minutes from my house. I said try to wait for us,
but don't let him suffer. When we got there he was gone.

I have never been so devastated. I loved this cat with all my heart. He was my
first born son. We had matching humps on our noses. He slept in bed with my
husband and I every night. December 4th, we were planning on having our picture
made with the cat and my son at pet store with Santa. Four days later he was
in the hospital.
Of course I knew he wouldn't live forever, but I imagined him growing old, 14, 15, maybe 18 or 19. And death by bacteria???? No one really knows where the first
infection started. Was it a skin sore? a bladder infection? In some cases, the mitral
valve is weak, making it vulnerable for attack. This is a very rare illness in all mammals. It is difficult to diagnose. I just feel so negligent. I had no idea that he
had an infection. He has been plagued with skin sores on and off for many years.
I did not see any that looked infected. Sadly, prednisone makes infection worse, so
you can imagine my guilt.
My heart is so broken. I have been near suicidal. If not for my infant son, I don't
know what I would have done. I was so happy a month ago, planning my son's first
Christmas. I had no idea. Last night I actually got out in the car and went driving
around. I felt like I was out looking for him. He was an exclusively indoor cat, this
was just my madness.
I have slept on the floor since his death, to punish myself. With my baby,husband
and our dog in the house, it is cold and lonely.
It has helped coming here and reading posts. I can't believe how many of us have
faced this tragedy around the holidays. Not that anytime is ever good.

Dear Hegel's Mom,
Welcome to LS and please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. By posting here tonight, you have taken the first step in the long and arduous road to emotional recovery. Very soon you will be surrounded by a new cyber family that will welcome you and comfort you. Please, try not to dwell on the "ifs and shoulds", the grieving process alone is difficult enough without burdening yourself with unmerited guilt. You were a caring pet caretaker, all your decisions were made with the best and purest intentions, there is no need to punish yourself.
I know there is a great void in your life at this moment and it feels like nothing will ever fill it. Gaze at your sleeping son, lean on your husband , stroke your dog and try and draw some strength from them.
You and your family are in my thoughts.
Nicole

Dear Hagelsmom,

I'm crying as I read your post. I'm so very sorry for you loss.

I think we all, no matter the cir%%stance, go through some kind of guilt, and the "should'ves" and "could'ves" when we loose one of our precious furbabies. The fact of the matter is, all of us here, including you, would never have done anything to intentionally hurt our furbabies. We all loved them like a member of the family. You had no way of knowing Hegel (I'm assuming that's your kitty's name) was as sick as he was...if you'd known sooner, I'm sure you would've done everything in your power to keep him healthy, but you had no way of knowing. With the information you had, you treated him very appropriately.
The most important thing to remember is that Hegel knows you loved him, he knows you wouldn't have done something to intentionally hinder his health, and he knows that you did everything in your power to keep him with you for as long as possible. He loves you...and he always will.

Keep coming here to LS, share your thoughts and your feelings. Everyone here will comfort and embrace you as you grieve.

You're in my thoughts.
Kathleen

Your post made me cry and I am just so sorry for the loss of your wonderful kitty Hegel. So many of us tend to blame ourselves but the truth is we all did what we could to help our furbabies recover. You did what you thought was best and did it quickly and gave it your all to save him. As much as it hurts sometimes there is nothing else we can do for our babies.

I just lost my furbaby almost a week agon Snookie was almost 11 years old and it has left me with a broken heart. I wanted to tell you I am thinking of you and that Nicole and Kathleen gave excellent advice, you are not to blame. Please come and tell us all about Hegel and your wonderful life with him. You will find people here who will comfort you and help all they can.
Ann

Thank everyone for your kind words.

Hegel and I had a special bond like I have never had with another animal, or
human! Thousands of times over the years, I would lean over and whisper, "Mommy
promises I'll always take care of you." That is one of the reasons I am kicking myself.
In hindsight, I should have taken him to the vet sooner. Thinking back, I remeber
little warning signs. I was just so wrapped up in my son that week after Thanksgiving. (As I should have been, he is my only little son) But I had 2 sons!
I like our dog, but he is really my husbands. Hegel was our baby for many years.
I didn't think I could have children. Now I feel I let Hegel down.

I am feeling pretty crazy these days. Since Hegel went in the hospital around the
10th of December, I think I've taken 3 showers! Good thing I am a stay at home
mom. Another guilt factor! My son had me on edge though! I hated to leave the
house with him. We went through a little over 4 months of colic. I couldn't take
people staring at me when we were out, like I was a bad mother. Now I just
feel stupid. I could have gone to the vet. My husband could have adjusted his
work schedule and taken him. Honestly though, I had no idea of a fever or infection.
He was sleeping more, but it was getting cold, and he had always done that.
None of his flea allergy sores looked pus filled. I will probably never know where
the source of that infection was. The hospital doctors focused on the cause of
anemia. They feared a cancer. They wanted to do a bone marrow aspirate. I
am glad i did not let them, as that would have been very painful.

My insanity these last few days is getting the best of me. Driving the streets "looking" for him, looking for pet psychics to try and contact him, denying
myself food, a comfortable bed, or shower. I feel dead inside. I should be able
to take solace in my husband, son, our dog. But now I can't. I see my husband
look lovingly at our baby, and I feel like crying because I can't even feel for little
baby bear.(my nickname for my son)

I understand that special bond completely. I had it with my cat, Dolly (she lived to be 16 - I lost her 10 years ago), and I had it with Shiloh, who I just lost in September. I don't think there are words that can describe that bond, but I think everyone on this website understands.
Please don't think yourself as being crazy or anything like that. You're grieving. You just lost a dear friend and family member. Be kind to yourself. And keep telling yourself that you would never have done anything intentionally to jeopardize Hegel's health.

Take care,
Kathleen

Ohh Hegel's Mom, my heart just hurts so for you. Please don't blame yourself. Please do not punish yourself anymore. It isn't your fault. You went to incredible lengths to save your baby. There was NO WAY you could have known that he had that infection. The doctors didn't even realize it for some time. It is understandable that after you gave him the pred and he got better, you would believe that he was truly better. It is totally understandable also that you got involved in doing things for your other child. Please think about this, okay? I hear not one tiny bit of neglect or see even one tiny mistake that you made. You did not cause this to happen and from what it sounds like -- the time it took the vets to realize what was wrong -- it sounds like they would not have known what was wrong until it had progressed to the point where there was really nothing that could be done, especially since it was irreversible.

It is totally obvious that you loved Hegel with all your heart and that you would have done anything in this world to save him. It is obvious to me, and I know it is obvious to anyone else who reads your post. No doubt about it.

The others here gave you really good advice. I am so sorry this happened, but I am glad you found this site. We will help you through it. I personally know all about the guilt. I have beaten myself up for a long time about my precious baby and all I wish I had done or should have done. Even though I still think about those things sometimes, I do know that it serves no good purpose. I know I loved her too with all my heart, and I let her go because I loved her. I miss her so much, and it's been more than 8 months, but I do feel better about it all most of the time. The day will come when you will too. It might help if you talk to the vets again. I did that several times, and it finally helped me.

Here's a little something I want you to read because it always helps me when I read it. I know for sure this is EXACTLY what Hegel would say to you.

Please Don't Feel Guilty

Please don't feel guilty. You don't need to. I don't want you to be rough on yourself. I heard you speak last night. I heard you say how guilty you are for what you think you didn't do right. You did more than I ever would have expected anyone to. You loved me through it all. I never doubted your love for me. Whatever decisions you made, I know were made with my best interest in mind. Please don't feel guilty. It breaks my heart to hear you speak of your guilt. You don't need to feel guilty. Please don't.
--Betty J. Carmack
From Grieving the Death of a Pet

Please, please take care of yourself. Hegel would want that too. He would not want you to feel this way. You know that, don't you? I know you wish so much you could have had him so much longer. I wish you could have too. God only lends them to us, but we are so very blessed to have had them in our lives, those special, special children.
Love,
Marcia

Hegelsmom,
I'm so sorry you are feeling this pain, but glad you found Lightning Strike. You have to stop torturing yourself. You were a wonderful, caring and loving mommy to Hegel and did everything possible to make your baby better! The questioning, anger, blaming yourself, etc., is all part of this grief. What you are feeling is very difficult, but also very normal. You did the right thing by going to your parents to get some help with your little boy. You need some time to take care of you, so you will be able to be there for your husband and son.

You need to take a hot shower and get a cup of tea and curl up on your bed under a blanket and just comfort yourself right now. You are missing hegel, a huge part of your life, and you need to cry and be sad right now. Please stop blaming yourself, as you really did everything humanly possible to help Hegel and he knows that too. It's just hard to accept that sometimes it is just God's time to call one of his little ones back, and there is no rhyme or reason as to why the time was now, but it just was.

I found that coming here and writing really helped get my thoughts out and the support and guidance from these loving and kind members here helped me through one of the darkest periods of my life. Please keep writing and let us know how you are and how we can help.
your in my thoughts
Libby

Last night, I slept in my bed again. It was so hard. I realized how much I had
adjusted my sleeping position for Hegel. He always slept at my feet, and sometimes
at my husbands feet. It was such a comfort to come to bed when it was cold,
and put my feet up against him. Kitty's are so warm!
I kept waking up all night, feeling for him with my feet, imagining him there. It
was awful.


I have a confession. Last night, in a fit of insanity, I went out driving allies, looking
for strays. I wanted to "rescue someone" to make up for all this guilt. I brought
home a stray kitten, who is residing in my bathroom as I write this. He looks about
6-8 monts, un-neutered, and stank of the ally. However, he is very gentle. I
am going to go back out today, and put up fliers, and talk to people. I hate to
think that this is someone's pet, even though they weren't taking very good care
of him. I drove home with him excited, but I got home and sat in front of the
house weeping. Was I "cheating" on Hegel? He loved other cats, but couldn't be
around them much because of his immunity.
I have read many of the other posts about how soon is too soon. I am going out
of my mind. There is such a hole in my heart, and I know another cat can't fill it.
I just wanted to save someone, since I couldn't save Hegel.
The kitten is a real beauty, a "morris" style cat. I want to love him/I don't want to
love him. Maybe I should return him to his ally. I touch his fur, and he isn't my
cat, but he touches his nose to mine, and asks to be loved.
I know, I'm rambling, badly.

Dear Hegelsmom, (((hugs))) You are a young mother which has stresses of it's own.. especially going thru the colic stages and all. Becoming a parent and losing a pet are major stress factors even if having a baby is a good stress. It is really great to have cyber friends and real friendships develope here. I am worried about you because of all the stress factors. Have you had a chance to talk to a doctor about how your feeling? You need to take care of yourself first.. because if your sick your loved ones suffer. Please remember Hegel isn't suffering..he is most definately at peace now. He had a full life and I believe on to even more beautiful things. Enjoy your son...don't expect so much from yourself..no one else does. This nightmare will ease and you'll be able to enjoy the memories more as the healing process begins. Bless you! Terri

Dear Hegel's Mom,

My deepest sympathy to you on the loss of your beloved Hegel. Please do not blame yourself. You really did do so much to help him. How were you to know the cause of his illness when the vet didn't even know?

Your family needs you. Don't punish yourself anymore. That little kitty you rescued.............How lucky he is!!!

I know what you are going through since I am an expert at blaming myself. I'm still torturing myself over the loss of my Rusty (that I should have spent more time with him, didn't take action the night before he died when I noticed that he was breathing heavily.)

My husband finally said to me today that I am going to end up being sick if I don't stop dwelling on all these negative things. You must do the same, for yourself and your family. Try to focus on your new little baby and kitty (if you end up keeping him.....and I bet no one will claim him!)

The house will be cold and lonely without Hegel, even with your family and other pets there. Last night, my husband, son and I watched a video. Heidi (German shepherd) was laying on my lap and even though she was there, all I noticed was the emptiness of not having my beautiful Rusty.

This is all normal and unfortunately what we have to go through. Looking forward to the passing of time, that everyone says will make it easier.

Come here often.................It is a place that words can't describe......a wonderful haven.

Thinking of you,

Love,

Lynn

Hegel's Mom,

I have an auto-immune disease, just like Hegel. Like Hegel's vet, my doctor prescribes prednisone for me. In people, prednisone's ability to hurt is only very slightly outweighed by its ability to help. I'm sure that's true in cats, too. Taking a cat to the vet and getting tests done has risks, too; sometimes treating a cat (or a person) for a known ailment is less risky than putting them through a medical test that may not even be conclusive -- and sometimes hindsight shows that was the wrong decision. You must not beat yourself up for that.

As for taking in other cat, you're not "cheating" on Hegel -- though I do understand the feeling. One way to look at it is that you're honoring Hegel's memory -- and how much love and joy Hegel brought you -- by opening your heart and your home to another cat. No cat will ever replace Hegel. Hegel holds a special place in your heart. But that doesn't mean that you can never love another cat in a different way. That doesn;t mean that another cat can't bring you a different joy.

Take care of yourself.

Margie

Oh Hegel's Mommy,
Margie is right -- you ARE honoring Hegel's memory, and you obviously have a tender, kind, caring heart. And no, you aren't "cheating" on Hegel. Remember, Hegel would not want you to be unhappy at all. I'm so sorry it hurts so bad.

"I touch his fur, and he isn't my cat, but he touches his nose to mine, and asks to be loved." Little lonely kitty needs and deserves to be loved, and so does Hegel's Mommy need and DESERVE to be loved.

Love and hugs to you!
Marcia
(I am so glad you went to sleep in your bed again.)

hegelsmom,

After Tommy my abyssinian cat died at a young age of 5. I was heart broken. I started to look at abbysinian breeder sites on the web and found myself just looking at their pictures. I wrote to a couple breeders and one day I got a email back from a breeder who had a 11 month old ruddy that needed a home. We started corresponding and finally met at a cat show which was quite a journey for the breeder and myself to meet at. I saw Dion and I fell in love. I have had Dion with me for 8 months now and he is a gift from god!!!! Sometimes I truly believe Tommy pays me a visit thru Dion in some of the things he does. Things worked out so well I often wonder if there was a little spiritual intervention......

The little baby that you have now needs your love and I truly believe hegel would approve!!!!