Happy Holidays to all.

I know this has been a tough time for all of us, and thanks to Mark and Lightning Strike we all have a safe place to come and share with people who truly understand and care.

I've never talked about our other dog, Chelsea, here before. We actually adopted her from a girlfriend who could not keep her, as her husband disliked her and was abusive to this sweet baby. Chelsea is a Shih Tzu. Dieter was 4 and she was 3 and he loved her the minute he saw her, she was his girly. If he came inside before her he would wait by the door and bark as soon as she was there, telling us to "let her in"! He was quite the character. Needless to say she has experienced her own grief over the loss of her companion and friend, too. I've been very fortunate she has kept me company, but she has never been a really loving dog like Dieter was, kind of has always kept to herself. I believe it is because of the abuse she received at a young age. I still can't believe anyone could ever harm an animal.

We had to travel for the holidays and board her at the same vet we've used for their entire life and also where we had dieter put to sleep. I have the most difficult time going there and break down each time. I see the room where we last held him and I fall apart. It's just like that enourmous grief all over again. I picked her up yesterday and coming home without him was like it happening all over again and it will be 4 months tomorrow. When we got home Chelsea ran around the house and then would lay down and whimper. She did this a couple of times right by where his collar hangs around the neck of the "schnauzer angel" figure. She has never done this before and I wonder if she was missing him too? It was really strange. Today I've cried most of the day and am just really missing him. I'm just rambling and needed to write my thoughts down.

I beleive that they do miss them, for the first few weeks, my cat Gato called and called for Moose, it was a different meow than i have ever heard come out of his mouth, he had went to the hallway and was meowing like Moose hurry up an get out here, what's the hold up? I have no doubt about it. I sure understand about the vet thing I wont even drive by the vets where I took Moose, that is where all my furbabies went to sleep. Hang in there! Pamela

I definitely think the little ones left with us feel the loss. Stormy (Misty's little "sister") seems to be lost without her big sister around. She has become very clingy and insecure. She also frequently lays in a spot she never did before...the exact place Misty lay down when she was unable to finish the walk to her food bowl, just before her last trip to the vet.

Dear Dietersmom,

You lost Dieter just 10 days before I lost Shiloh. I've been having such a hard time lately...I think it's a combination of the holidays and going on vacation. I went away for a few days last week and coming back was so difficult. It's the first time I've been gone for several days since Shiloh passed away...it was hard not having her to come home to.

I know 2 of my kitties really miss Shiloh. I can always tell when Calvin is missing Shiloh as she will lay in a spot that Shiloh always layed in. Calvin never layed there until after Shiloh died.

My thoughts are with you.
Kathleen

Dear Libby, I am so sorry you had to feel the pain just as though it was fresh. Having to go back there much have been so hard for you. I know my little puppy Schnitzel misses Snookie so much and so does my daughter's toy poodle that I keep at my house so often. I am thinking of you and seeing Dieters picture just makes me want to hug him.
Love, Ann

Thank you all for your kind words. Sometimes I just feel like I'm back to square one with this grief. It's strange what triggers the tears and sobbing and longing for my deet man. I know a lot has to do with the holidays and the vet trip yesterday. Just seeing the room where we left his little lifeless body ripped my guts out and I'm back to questioning and I know I shouldn't and I know the time was right, as he was suffering and there was nothing anyone could do and we didn't want him to suffer anymore. Life......quite a ride, isn't it?!

I'm right there with you feeling like I'm back at square one. Today I was driving and it seemed like every song on the radio made me think of Shiloh. I was just a sobbing basket case when I got home.

Kathleen,
I'm sorry you are going through this, too. I know how much you miss Shiloh. I didn't decorate the house for Christmas this year, only a wreath on the door, as I just couldn't face Dieter's stocking and how we made him such a big part of our celebration. We did keep busy with friends and family gatherings and really enjoyed the spirit of the season. I'm wondering if in away I just pushed the grief aside to make it through and now that dreary winter is here and the holidays ended, I'm just left with my thoughts and feelings again.

I really thought I was doing well, tears at times, but not the sobbing and heartache of the early months. I realize from reading journeys here that this is not uncommon. Sometimes I feel like I'm a broken record, repeating the same things and just want to be able to totally accept this loss. Hang in there, Kathleen, and just know I'm thinking of you!!
Libby

Hi Libby,

I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling down lately, but it is apparently normal for all of us to once in a while travel back in time and be back at step one with the grieving process. I'm not sure what triggers it either, but it's very real and it feels as if the wounds we thought were healing have been ripped back open and at times the pain seems even more intense than in the beginning. I too have been feeling the same way lately.

I believe the passage of time helps with the grieving process in many ways, but I also believe there are times when it hinders the process. We like to believe we have come to terms with the deaths of our pets, but with the passing of each day, the realization of knowing we'll never have them again in this lifetime seems to be the most difficult thing to accept.

I also believe other pets in the household grieve the loss of their furbuddies. I live on a farm and I have three cats who are pretty wild...they stay down at the barn most of the time. The only time they would come near the house is when I'd put their food out for them or if I let Little Man outside. For some reason, they would always run to him and much to his dismay, they insisted on walking with him as he wondered around trying to find new places to mark his territory. There are snakes and other varments around and it was if they were trying to protect him from harm.

After his last trip to the vet, I brought him home, wrapped in his favorite blanket, and gently laid him under a shade tree while I dug his grave. The cats came up and walked around closely to the blanket, it was like they knew he was in there. For several weeks after his death, every time I opened the back door, the cats would come running to the house expecting to find Little Man and when they saw he wasn't there, they would turn around a go back to the barn looking sad and disappointed. They aren't nearly as wild now and will actually allow me to pet them at times. Given a little more time, I think I'll be able to tame them.

I feel like I've been rambling too, Libby. I'm glad you posted your feelings about Dieter and Chelsea...your post seems to justify to many of us who are having the same feelings that we aren't crazy and we are not alone.

Reading your post has helped me greatly and I thank you for it. It seems many of us made it through the holidays putting on a happy face, but deep down inside, we wanted our pets back and wanted everything to be the way it used to be. But we did make it through and the most we can hope for is maybe next Christmas will be at least a little more bearable.

I will keep you in my thoughts,
__Jim

Hello Jim,
I think about you often and wonder how you're doing. You're so right about the passing of time and the realization that we will not see our pets again in this lifetime and that being something very difficult to come to grips with. I know exactly what you are saying.

I was talking with a girlfriend today, who lost her father last month, and we were discussing how there was so much death around and affecting our lives and we guess we are just at that age (40) when you start losing those near and dear to you. I got a call from my father today to tell me that his father, my grandfather, had died last night. I've been collecting my thoughts all afternoon about this and remembering my grandfather and his life and know that he is finally at peace. He has been ill for the last year and it's been a struggle for him and he just had never been the same since losing his wife, my grandmother, in 2001.

Why is it that his death I accept, actually understand, but not the loss of Dieter? My guess is because Dieter depended solely on me for everything, and was so devoted to me, loving me unconditionally, and now not having him to take care of left such a void. These are crazy ramblings, I know, but I feel safe here and just need to put my thoughts down.

Hi, Libby-

I've been off my computer for a couple of days.

Thanks for your kind reply. I know that broken record feeling, but I'm trying to just let myself feel the pain and grieve. The last couple of days I've been caught in the "should've" and "could've" and "would've" cycle. As I was driving to my parents for dinner today I was thinking that if Shiloh was still here I would've brought her with me....and then I spiraled into "Why didn't I bring her last year?" "I should've gotten her picture taken with Santa last year."...etc. This healing is tough. I miss my little Shiloh so much.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandfather.
Take care,
Kathleen

Hi Libby, I am so sorry for the death of your grandfather my mother has been gone 8 years today and it still hurts so much. Hugs, Ann

Thank you, Kathleen & Ann,
Death is never easy, is it? I mean I know my Grandfather had no quality of life and is now free and with my Grandmother, but I wasn't ready for him to go, you know? I know it's very selfish thinking on my part. It's almost like I can hear this "tick/tock" of a clock and just waiting for who is next and how the saying "time sleeps for no man" comes to mind. I guess I'm having some sort of taking stock of my life thoughts and how I've really done nothing purposeful with it, only living for me and climbing the corporate ladder for what some define as "success". Hmmmmm if this is success, give me something different. I guess the new year brings on thoughts of this, "what will you do with 2005". I want to do something meaningful with what is left of my life. I know, ramblings, random thoughts....I guess I gave fair warning when I started the thread........

I'd love to hear from others about things like this.

For the poster who said she could accept the grandparents death "better", I
understand how you feel. My "Childhood Cat", Muff, died 7 years ago at the age
of 19. It was the week of my 30th birthday. I felt like he, and my youth had died
all at once. It was devastating. However, I could accept that death much easier
than the death of my 1 month short of 11 year old Hegel Cat. Of course if he had
lived to be 19, I wouldn't have been ready, but I wouldn't have felt so cheated
either.
I think our pets deaths are so hard, because no matter what age they are, they
are still our "puppy", or "kitten". And you're right. Unlike another adult, we feel
completely responsible for them. The feeling of letting them down is overwhelming.

Sometimes people, like animals hide how sick they are from their families, to
tragic consequences, and everyone feels guilty. But even then, we can write that
off to a human's free will. Our pets are our children, and the "should have known"'s
"should have done more's" ring even louder.

Hi Libby,

Please accept my deepest sympathy over the loss of your grandfather. You described perfectly how I feel as to why we can understand and even accept the death of a human, but find it almost impossible to accept the death of a pet. Most people have several close bonds with other people, but our pets are completely devoted to us and us only. Their love for us is unconditional no matter how imperfect we may be...it's the kind of love we all need so how can we not be completely devastated when we lose it?

I also agree with your statement that maybe most of us are at the age (I'm 42) when we are beginning to deal with the loss of close family members. This forces us to face the fact that our own death is certain to come one day...but when we were younger, we seldom entertained the thought. We begin to realize that our own lives are probably at least half way over and we do take a hard look at what we have or have not accomplished in life. We learn there is a time to live and a time to die for every living thing and it's something none of us have any control over. I think that's what bothers us the most....that it's something we can't control.

I'm glad you started this thread, Libby. If gives us the opportunity to express not only our feelings about death, but also how we feel about life if general. All of us may not agree on everything, but just being able to express our feelings in a place where we feel comfortable talking about such matters helps immensely.

Nothing you've said in this thread seems crazy, or rambling to me....it all makes sense...so if your crazy, then I'm in the rubber room right next to you.

__Jim

Dear Libby,

My sympathy to you on the loss of your grandfather.

We had no decorations or Christmas tree either this year.

I'd say since I turned 40, and I'll be 48 in a couple of weeks, I've been obsessed with the thought that I'm running out of time. The time seems to be going faster and faster. It's Monday, then Friday then another month is gone. It's scary. I never say I can't wait until Friday, like many where I work do. Friday's come soon enough for me. It's like one of those calendars in cartoons, that keeps flipping as each day passes. It's got to be the age thing. Sometimes I feel I am not enjoying the present because I'm so worried about the time going by so fast...........

I, as many here do, feel like a broken record and sometimes question if I do have any sanity left!!!

Lynn

Hegels Mom, Jim and Kathleen,

Thanks for writing. I just wanted to have a peaceful beginning for 2005, but no such luck. Grief seems to lurk around every corner for me. The loss of my Grandfather is something I must come to terms with, and I just don't do death well, who does.

I'm very upset with my father for delaying the funeral for his convenience, this poor man died on 12/30 and the service will not be until 1/8, and no he isn't being cremated!!!! I'm furious that my father couldn't find a way to interrupt his life to have the service sooner. I can't even believe that this can be done, that a funeral home will allow this sort of time delay?! I realize how awful I'm sounding right now, and I'm sorry. My father is an only child and I am an only child and there are not any other family members who could weigh in on this decision, so it will be as he chooses. Maybe I'm just choosing to be upset with this, because other things are unsettled within me.

Here we go again with boarding Chelsea and a trip back to the vet's and I just don't want to do that again....*sigh* but at this stage in her life I'm not about to make her get used to boarding at a new place. I just need to suck it up on Friday and drop her off and try not to have a breakdown. I used to be such a strong person, and now I feel like a crumbling mess.

I'm definitely feeling like I'm in the rubber room, Jim !! I guess I should go get in bed and slip under the covers and hope to wake up on the right side tomorrow
thanks for listening and letting me vent
Libby

Dear Libby,

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this. Don't feel bad about being upset with the situation...you have every right to be upset. I know taking Chelsea back to be boarded at the vets must be very unsettling for you.

You're in my thoughts.
Love,
Kathleen