Hi all,
I'm so glad I found this site. I can't stop crying. I'm sorry this is so long. Yesterday, I had to have my beloved Kiva put down. He was almost 13. I don't know how I'm going to live without him. When I had a three year old son Josh, and three week old baby girls, Molly and Aliza, my husband died. It was such a horrible thing for Josh, because he not only lost his dad, but he kind of lost me too because I was so overwhelmed with taking care of three babies. He was so angry and sad all the time and had a hard time making friends. Then we got Kiva when Josh was six. He was a little German Shepherd puppy and totally changed our lives. He was so silly and brought joy and laughter to our house and he became Josh's best friend. He was the "other male" in the family. I'll never forget images of Josh and Kiva in the backyard, digging a hole to China together, dirt flying all over the place. They were always together. And when he got really big, over 100 pounds, he was our protector. At one point, some houses on our block got broken into, but not ours. Nobody could come near my house or my kids with him around. He made me feel so safe. This sounds really crazy, but I almost thought of him as my co-parent. Because whenever things got rough, he'd always make it better just by his presence.

He had the most beautiful, loving, wise brown eyes. Such a beautiful sweet dog. All he ever wanted was to love and protect us. He always laid in the same spot in the living room and last night it was so empty. I couldn't stand to be downstairs. I kept thinking I heard his claws on the floor. For years, I'm so conditioned to think of him when I first walk in the door or when I leave. Or when I'm upstairs too long, I think Kiva will be lonely. Or when I'm in the store, I think does he have treats? It's constant. This also sounds crazy, but I don't think I've ever felt a loss so strong. It feels even more than people I have loved who died.

But the blessing is this. My son Josh now is 19, 6"3' and doing really well. He has friends, is in college and has a girlfriend. He can now handle the loss, (I hope) where three years ago he was saying, if Kiva dies, I'm going to die. It scared me so much. Yesterday, he was comforting me at one point. It felt like Kiva chose his moment. We are on winter vacation, and all the kids are home so they can feel their feelings and go through it without the stress of going to school. A few months ago, he lost his bowel control and pooped in the house everyday. But that didn't really bother me because it was easy to clean up. And he was on rimadyl for three years, which was a lifesaver. Otherwise he wouldn't be able to walk from the arthritis. The other night, my best friend who was visiting from Holland and I took him for a walk. He was slow and she said, how will you know when it's time? And then it was so weird. He basically fell over in the middle of the street. I thought his hip had given out. We managed to get him home, slowly walking and stopping. And then the next night he wouldn't come in from the backyard at one in the morning. I thought he just wouldn't come in and I was tired and grumpy. I got mad at him and sort of dragged him in the house. I feel so horrible about that because I never get mad at him. But the next morning when I got up, I discovered that he had thrown up all over the house. Pounds of throw up. I felt so bad. That was why he didn't want to come in. Because he was sick. And he couldn't get up at all. So my son, his girlfriend and my two daughters and I had to drag him to the car on top of a sleeping bad and lift him up into the van. And it turned out that he had a sepsis infection from absesses on his liver. The vet reassured me that it wasn't the rimadyl. It would have happened anyway. So we took him home and had a whole night and half the day with him knowing he was going to die. My son stayed up with him all night and we all took turns crying and petting his precious head and kissing him and saying goodbye. The next morning, he was still lying there in a puddle of his own urine and when he saw me, he had such a devastated look on his face. I love him so much, if I had any doubts that it was time, seeing him unable to move made it the only decision.

But it didn't go so smoothly. The vet said he would come to our house and we were all ready, and then he couldn't come for another two hours. Then it happened again. We were ready to let him go at 10 a.m. but the vet didn't show up until almost 2. Josh said he was going crazy. It was really hard. And I thought it was just a shot. But it was an IV. in his leg. I had to hold his head. When the vet put the medicine in, he said, Chase those rabbits, chase those squirrels, chase those cats just like you used to do in life. And then the vet said he's gone. But he was still warm. Then the vet said we might not want to watch the next part because they had to prepare the body to take it and it wasn't very pleasant. So we all left the room. But now I'm haunted by the fact that he was still warm. What if he wasn't dead? It was too quick. They took him away right away because the vet came to our home as a special favor in between clients because I wanted to do it where he felt comfortable and safe. And I can't stop thinking about lethal injections and how they say the body looks like it's feeling no pain, but the prisoner is just paralyzed and can feel the horror of not being able to breathe until his heart stops. I was up all night thinking of that. Do you think the vet was telling the truth when he told us that the injection first anesthesizes the brain so the brain loses it's memory and sense of anything, and then the heart stops. He said it was like being given an anesthetic before surgery, you count from 100 backwards and then next thing you know it's over. But for Kiva, he wouldn't come back. It's so hard. I'm sorry to have written so much. If anyone of you read it all thank you.
Mimi

Hi Mimi,
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and for the loss of your wonderful Kiva. He sounds like he was a wonderful baby and friend. I just wanted you to know I am crying right along with you as your story moved me to tears and I feel like I am right there with you. I would like to write more but my little Snookie is so sick today. I must get back to her to hold her while I still can. I think her time to leave this world is nearing. Hopefully the others will come soon to write to you.
Ann

Dear Mimi,

My deepest sympathy to you, Josh, Molly and Aliza on the loss of your beloved Kiva. I have a German Shepherd and know how they (as can all fur-kids) work their way into your heart.

Lightning-Strike is the best place for you to be. Everyone here is so great. Posting and reading has helped me immensely in dealing with the loss of my beloved Rusty.

You wondered if you could live without Kiva. You WILL be able to go on, Mimi. You have to do it for Kiva and for your kids. You sound like such a strong person. You've had alot to deal with in your life, losing your husband so young.

Your house will seem empty without him. You are just beginning this sad journey and probably can't quite believe what has happened yet. You have some great memories of Kiva and you must focus on those, but that will take time.........

Please know my thoughts are with you as you travel this difficult road.

Love,

Lynn

(PS - I do believe the vet was being honest with you when you questioned him about the injection. You must believe that, too.)

MiMi
I'm sorry about the trauma you had to go through the last few days of Kiva's life, you said that you feel like you are taking this loss harder, it has been the same for me, I just think that it brought up all my loses to the surface. I feel like Moose was a gift, after having just lost my parents, he was a puppy that had just been rolled by a car, he came into my life the year inbetween my parents death, and he stayed with me for almost 10 yrs as my closest companion and you said it perfectly co-parent he was hit by a car last Oct 14th and had to be put down the next day, as I look back, I beleive he was a gift, a gift to help me through the awful grief I was feeling having lost my parents, put in my life to be there when I had to put my other little furbabie family to sleep, and he left the same way he came into my life.
It sounds alot like what happened to you, in your grief you were sent an angel, to help you and your son. Our babies came asgined to us special for us to teach us and become part of who we are. I have said all along the hardest part of this journey is what you discribed, the getting used to them not being here.
There have been post here in the last few weeks of people losing thier tempers, it is just the stress coming out ya know? I did'nt mean you did'nt love them any less, and you got to have those last hours to say good-bye. The vet being late, had to be hell. They are now with us in thier spirt, they are part of our being and always will be until that great joyous day when all is restored to us. Bless you, Pamela

Dear Mimi, I'm so very sorry that you have lost your beloved Kiva. It must be such a sad loss for you when he has always given you such love and support and came to you at a time in your life when you needed a friend so badly.

Have faith in your vet and what he says. From what I have seen at the end of my 2 dogs lives, it is absolutely instantaneous. The needle goes into the front leg and if they are in a sitting position they immediately slump and are dead. You can see from their eyes that they have gone. Your vet will have made sure by checking Kiva's heartbeat. Rest assured that he suffered no fear or pain, it is all done to make it as humane and peaceful as possible. I believe the injection hits the heart very quickly and it just stops beating.

Our little ones stay warm for quite a long time once they are dead. I was suprised how long it took my little Ellie to lose all her body heat. More than an hour. So it sounds as if everything was carried out to the benefit of Kiva and that he did not suffer at all.

My thoughts are with you and your family at this very sad time.

With love
jilly

Dear Mimi,

Kiva sounds like such a wonderful dog. I'm so sorry for your loss.

When I had Shiloh put to sleep, the vet came to my house. It just seemed so much more comforting for all of us. My vet gave Shiloh a sedative before giving her the drug that would stop her heart. Shiloh fell asleep with her head in my lap, then the vet administered the other drug. It was very fast and seemed very painless. After the vet said that Shiloh's heart had stopped I held Shiloh's head next to my head...she was still warm and still smelled like my sweet Shiloh. With that in mind, I'm sure your vet was correct when he said that Kiva had passed. I actually had to help my vet load Shiloh and even after loading her, she was still somewhat warm and still very limber. Rest at ease, Mimi, I'm sure when you said "Chase those rabbits...," Kiva knew it was time to go, and away he went...chasing rabbits, running, playing, and thanking you for setting his spirit free.

You're in my thoughts.
Kathleen

Dear Mimi,

I'm sorry for the loss of Kiva, your faithful companion who was there to tie the family back together and keep you safe and loved all those years.

I put my Punky down this past Wednesday night, and I'm still pretty upset over the experience. I just wanted to assure you that your Kiva had the best possible passing that could be. It is truly a blessing for you that it "happened too fast". Please accept that blessing, hun. I want you to know that their bodies actually stay warm for a few hours after they die. He would feel "body temperature" to the touch for the first 20 minutes or so. I sound so clinical only to assure you that though he still felt warm, your darling was not still alive nor aware of what was happening to his body.

I hope this comforts you in any small way.

-Punky's Mom

Thank you everyone,
I'm also so sorry for your losses. It really helped to get the reassurances about it being normal for Kiva's body to be warm even after he died. It helped me let go of that fear. Well, I hope everyone gets through today with the love of friends and family, and the pain is a little less each day.
Mimi

Kiva helped you through a very tough journey and knows that you can now take the next steps of your life on your own standing tall.

You have passed a very hard test and came out with flying colours, be proud of what you have acomplished and know that your rewards will be great.

I let Jude go too soon too but believe that they had gone, Judes eyes were empty, the living soul of her had gone to better lands.

This is me and Jude two years ago just three weeks after loosing our beloved Sadie.

God bless you and your family

Love Sue