Hello everyone,

I MUST apologize to EVERYONE in this forum! Most important, to Marcia!!!!
I thought I was being SO strong and "healthy" after the loss of my VERY best friend Rachael. I have been reading and posting advice on here as if I had come such a long way. My husband and I have even gotten another female lab puppy. I have been donating to local shelters in Rachael's name. I honestly thought I was doing SO good!!!

However, I have discovered that I MUST be guilty of the very things we all advise against....trying to run from my feelings!!!!! With the holidays here, I guess it is coming out now full force, and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. My husband has brought to my attention that I have become VERY grumpy, short-tempered and EASILY get my feelings hurt. I have no doubt now that I have become a grieving mess.

I have kept myself busy with all the sorrows of everyone else. I have kept myself busy, thinking I was doing good things for the poor furbabies that have no homes. I feel very ashamed of my part in that too. I tried SO hard to adopt a lab/mix from a shelter, but was ignored and then told that dog had found a home. I was VERY happy to hear that! When I tried at another shelter, I found I was treated rude and the people acted like they couldn't be bothered. So, instead of adopting a very needy dog, I ended up getting our puppy from a local breeder I guess I was still running from ANY problem that would bring up emotions in me. I looked for the easy way out. I thought I had convinced myself that I did the best loving thing I could ever do for her, by letting her go.

Then, I recently replied to a post from Punky's Mommy. I think her post brought these emotions crashing to the surface for me. I have been crying again now in floods! Then I read replies from the VERY wise Marcia and Denise, and I felt like a traitor to Punky's Mommy I think she still had hope for her precious Punky, and these wonderful caring women saw that, when I didn't. I have just become a basket case suddenly!!! I feel SO terrible that I may have given some advice that was WRONG or written from a reaction from my OWN guilt in letting Rachael go. I can't begin to apologize enough to you all, especially Punky's Mommy, Marcia and Denise! Marcia and Denise, you are ALWAYS so caring and take the time to REALLY write out loving and kind words of comfort. Oh Marcia, I know you have been having a rough time, and I feel TEN TIMES worse if I have caused you ANY more pain. My reply was ONLY speaking on my OWN guilt and pain! I think my post made me feel terrible, becasue I made a statement about not being selfish by letting her go. Oh dear, I don't mean to imply that anyone else who gives their furbabies a fighting chance is selfish. I only meant that in my case, I felt it would have been selfish to keep her living for my benefit. I am now questioning if I even have a right or should be posting to anyone, when I have let my own grief cause me extreme denial and pain. I am fighting a battle inside myself now, that I need to get a hold of before it eats me up.

I really think I need to just read only for a while until I get myself together. I have obviously NOT finished dealing with my own pain. The holidays have just stopped me in my tracks now and the pain has brought itself back to the surface again.
I miss my Rachael SO much!!!! Just like everyone in here, I would give ANYTHING to have her here with me again.

I hope most of you can understand this. This pain is SO much more than I ever thought it could be. It is also something that will NOT just go away by itself. I kept thinking that I was doing so well. I even told my husband that I was just so strong and Rachael would be so proud of me.

Hugs to all of you for your support and understanding!
I wish you ALL strength and happiness!
Cheri

CheriAnn, this is a perfectly normal part of the grieving process. You sometimes need to take a step backwards to keep moving forward...

Take as much time as you need - we'll be here when you feel like writing again. Or, talk your feelings out WITH us and we'll do our best to help.

I think perhaps all of us, near the early stages, threw ourselves into other things in order to keep from FEELING. And that's ok - it's perfectly normal.

If you feel the need to confront those feelings more directly, then obviously you have found what works for YOU. We offer our full support

TO EVERYONE -- I sent the following to Cheri in an email. She emailed me and apologized TO ME -- of course, very obviously, she has NOTHING in the world to apologize to anyone for, much less me. It's me -- I have made an incredible, horrible mess and apparently caused grief for so many of my friends here. I AM SO VERY, VERY SORRY EVERYONE ON THIS SITE, WITH ALL MY HEART, I AM SORRY. I post my email to Cheri because I am afraid to say anything more, at least right now. I am afraid that anything that comes out of my mouth will be wrong again. I should never have said a word. I do want to say one more thing to Cheri because OBVIOUSLY I DON'T KNOW WHEN TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT -- Cheri, all the things you have done to help others, including so many other animals, going to the shelters, etc., ARE SO WONDERFUL AND KIND.

Email to Cheri
"Oh gosh, Cheri. I know exactly what you meant, about the selfish aspect, and you are 100% right. That is why I made the decision about Hannah too -- I did it for her, not for me. It is selfish to keep them here just so we can have them here with us. That is for sure!

If you are familiar with Hannah's and my story, you will know that I have beaten myself up and sometimes still do because I AM NOT SURE I PERSONALLY DID EVERYTHING I COULD HAVE DONE. I just am the one who always feels that I need to let it be known to others the utterly devastating guilt that usually comes afterwards so that I can at least try to "prepare" them for what to expect. I guess it's my atonement to Hannah.

Your response was like most everyone else -- your response was wonderful and kind and loving and compassionate and wise. YOU are wise and good and kind.

Punky's story made my grief resurface too in an overwhelming way. I feel like I'm going through it all over again too. I think maybe I was selfish in my response -- not wanting to have to go through that with Punky right before Christmas.

Cheri, thank you for your so very kind words about me. I do not deserve them. If we were to take a poll, I'm sure everyone here would support you 100% and agree that your response was most appropriate and right and good.
Bless you Cheri. Again, I am so sorry to have caused you more grief and pain. I probably did that to more people here too. I didn't mean too. I think I'm "over the top," or something."

I'll write more later, but I had to get back on here to say NO!!! Cheri and Marcia your worries about ill-advising or betraying me are totaly unfounded!!!!! I love both of your perspectives. You both gave me such comfort and good advice. I was and am certain of my decision, it is just the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I believe that people should make informed well-thought out decisions in life, and I also believe that sometimes suffering is worse than death. So I take what both of you said to me as TRUTH that was spoken out of LOVE.

If my experience has maybe brought to surface some unresolved feelings within your hearts, then I truly hope that you can find true healing and peace. I only hope that I can be there to comfort and support you as much as you have for me (and that goes for everyone here).

I hope this helps. (*grabs a box of kleenex for everyone!!)

Sisters, Sisters,
We are all on high emotions, it is not wrong to write and give perspective on a situation. When a fur baby is suffering it is a fine line between doing it for them or not doing it for us. That is a fact and when someone is faced with it, it is good to have friends to "keep it real" Cheri, you are way to hard on yourself, you to are just caught up in a world that keeps on moving on, I have had alot of quiet time to grieve, have you? I have found your words to me to be kind and supportive, so when we post to others that are hurting we are inturn helping ourselves, relating, sharing, comforting that little child that is still in us all, the little child that finds these things in life so hard.
BabyHannah's mom has always been here since I first came, she is right there to offer her love, when I found out Summer was sick, I put her down after 16yrs, yes I could have carried it on with her but I did'nt, I had a friend that kept it in perspective and I did' what I had to do.
Punky's mom is going through a very hard time now, most of us have been there, and even though we type and look and say "oh crap I cant erase that" it is just feelings that we are dealing with, grief is a spirt in itself, it can be our friend or it can be our enemy, that's why it is healthy to embrace it with thankfulness and HOPE. The spirt of grief is going to run though our deepest part of our being, so we pray and we hope and we try and have faith that there's so much more than this. So please dont stop posting you guys! It's xmas, and you know what? I'll be right here after my dinner xmas eve. Love you all. Pamela

Oh how I have come to love each and every one of you precious people, I think of you as my own family. I am sorry that some of you think you need to apologize or think you may have given bad advice or hurt someone else. All any of us can do is follow our heart and say what we think is helpful and what is comforting or needful or to express the way we feel avout what has happened to ourselves personally.

As with any family sometimes we may say something that others may not feel is the right thing, some may get their feelings hurt, some may take it the wrong way. But everything we say is out of love and no one would hurt anyone on purpose or cause them harm. I do not want to lose any of you from this wonderful family, I need each and everyone of you.

I could not have come this far without your love and support with all your wonderful advice. Please don't quit posting,you are ALL a blessing to me, lets all hold hands and walk this painful journey together, alone it would just be overbearing. Our hearts are bleeding, broken and shattered, we all need each other so very much.
Love, Ann

Cheri & Marcia,
I agree with Ann and everyone else who posted on this string. Ann you summarized it better than I could. So enough said!! Cheri & Marcia you did nothing wrong stop blaming yourselves. It sounds to me that the stress of the holidays is making you both doubt yourselves. This is part of the process of grieving. Please give yourself some breathing room. Don't leave here and stop posting. Both of you posting has helped me as well and I hope this might help you. Try to celebrate your wonderful furbabies lives with you this Christmas . . . maybe looking back on all the happy times with your furbabies will help you remend those wounds from the loss. You two arent the only ones doubting yourselves or feeling guilty. I do a lot and I brought out all my Christmas things to find my boys stocking. It hurt and I put it away. Please don't stop posting I come and read other posts but don't post but it does help me with my grief. You both are in my thoughts this holiday!!
ChrissyW