Lately I haven't wanted to really post any more stuff on Punky, except anecdotal sound bites in response to some of the posts. I feel like I've hardened and have gone into a "place" beyond the reach of a message board. Plus I didn't want to wear out my welcome here with too much self-absorption. But perhaps isolation is not healthy, and I know some of you have come to care about my warm, fluffy boy. (And yes, the attention is very comforting! )

Since my last post on Punky, we went through a week of distress and worry because he was not having any bowel movements. Days and days went by with nothing. I went to my local vet twice. We tried suppositories, enemas, and laxatives, and still nothing!! We were worried that he had a cancer growth blocking his colon, in which case, there is no hope. It was awful thinking that every bite he ate was just compacting in his bowels tighter and tighter. And then..when we tried the last enema, he passed the boiled pieces of carrot I had given him the afternoon before!! (he always loved his veggies soooo much!) Which meant things were passing through! Which meant that he wasn't eating enough to even create bowels, which is a horrible thought. So although we are relieved, we go from one horror to the next, which is that he is starving to death with his lack of appetite! He is getting so skinny, you can feel not only his ribs, but the joints in his ribs (some of you might know what I'm talking about). His little body was absorbing every little bit of meat that he did eat, with nothing left over! So I am in the midst of a mission to find everything/anything that he will eat. He seems to get bored easily with a food. If he used to love sliced turkey, now he won't get near it. He won't eat fried lean hamburger either. He gets very offended if I even suggest that he try his dry dog food! He will eat Woody's cat food, but I've seen him get diarrhea from that in the past, so I don't want to risk it. I got him some canned high-calorie prescription dog food and some canned puppy food - and Hey Mikey! He likes it! Last night he ate half a small can of each. Plus several slices of sliced chicken! This was his first full, happy belly in probably two weeks. I have to feed him like he's a human baby. Almost literally scoop it into his mouth for him, my fingers and his face and the floor all messy with wet dog food, because he has a hard time picking it up himself. But I'm finding things he'll eat, and he just ate several mouthfuls just now. To me it seems the dying of starvation or of a burst colon is a far worse way to go than dying of cancer! I feel like as long as he poops, pees, eats, drinks, I can breathe a little easier. I'll throw a party when he has a good healthy poop!!!

His seizures have commenced again. Yesterday he had three. At first he opens his jaw wide during the worst of it, which is just awful to witness, then he clamps his jaw shut tightly for a few minutes. I've taken to giving him my finger to bite on so he doesn't bite his tongue. Based on how hard he grips my finger in his jaws, if he caught his tongue in that, he'd put a hole in it.

As he progesses, his balance and muscle control is becoming weaker. He wobbles and sometimes slips and slides on the tile floor of our house. I found a helpful solution to this!! After trimming back the hair between his pads, I rubbed lotion into his feet. This gave his feet a sticky traction that is really helping him! I feel like a genius!

We were prescribed Torbutrol as a pain killer so he could rest easier at night (and therefore us too!) 1.0mg did nothing for him, so the doc prescribed 5.0mg. On this dosage he is knocked out 100% but his breathing is so fast, its very scary! He's hyperventilating and panting in his sleep! So the next night I gave him 3.0mg, which seemed to work perfectly - he slept and breathed soundly. But last night I gave him the last 1mg tab and 1/2 of a 5.0 mg = 3.5 mg, and he did the fast breathing again! It seems that dosages over 3.0 reaches a critical mass in him and he has this response. I can only imagine how taxing on his system this drug must be! I prefer the tossing and turning and restlessness!

My relationship with my boyfriend is strained. He is always telling me what to do and fighting me on how I'm doing everything wrong. One night Punky and I had to actually sleep on the couch because he was being so unbearable (and there was not enough room for both me and a restless doggie, so we ended up sleeping on the floor, with me crying my eyeballs out) But last night he saw how Punky responded to the medication - he didn't believe me when I told him about the fast breathing - I think he realized that he needs to back down a bit and let me use my mommy instincts with Punky. I know he is being an overbearing ass because he loves Punky like crazy and wants the best for him. I remind myself of that when I'm getting emotionally beaten up by him. One major hurdle that I am afraid to approach with my boyfriend is the inevitability of putting Punky down. I am more ready for it than he is. If I try to initiate discussion on it, he says "Oh so you're ready to just give up on him!?" He even said to me once "Does this have anything to do with that message board you're posting on??" (He doesn't like me spending time here. He doesn't think its "balanced and healthy") He believes that Punky is trying hard to survive, and he believes that the cancer treatment, and the vitamins, and anti-carcinogenics we are giving him at home have a chance of working. I do believe that Punky is trying with all his might to survive. His spirit is strong. He's already lived a year with this cancer, when most dogs die from it within 3 months. Oral melanoma is the most aggressive of all cancers that a dog can get. He'll try to live until he dies, which is so sad to me. I'm incredibly torn. I don't know if I want to go back for the second of five treatments in NYC. If I go, I'm heading up Wednesday morning. I really don't know what to do. I think the chances of it working on Punky is 0.001%.

Well I think I've poured it all out. I'll add more if I think of it. Thank you for reading

Punky's mom,
Hi, well Sweetie, you will do what you have to for Punky, but if Punky starts suffering you will have to be stronger than you have ever been in your life. I am glad he is eating! It sounds like you are giving him the best care he could possibly have, bless you for that. But try to keep a level head because no doubt you emotions are high. another thing is our friends they may have sympathy but there is no way they can feel the depth of ours, it is kind of a personal journey. xxooPamela

Hey Punky's Mom,
Gosh, you and Punky are really having a rough, rough time. I am so sorry. And, no, the isolation is not good for you. For one thing, you need to talk this out, not just "think" about it in your head. We get so much better perspective when we're able to talk about our feelings, you know? I sure wish your boyfriend was able to think about you and Punky and to realize that even if he (your boyfriend) is upset and hurting about this, you are 100 times more upset and hurting.

It is certainly one of the biggest and most difficult decisions you'll ever have to make. I too felt that Hannah would stay alive, even though so sick, just for me. I could not bear the thought of that and of her being in pain or dying alone while I was at work. I made the decision not to put Hannah through surgery. I regret that with all of my heart sometimes because I am one of those who felt I should have done more, should have researched more, etc. But then again, when I really think about it all, I am not sure what I actually would do if I had it to do all over again. I still just wish I had her back!! but I still would not want her to suffer or die alone so . . . there you have it. It's just really, really incredibly sad and very confusing, to say the least.

I am so sorry I don't know what else to say. My heart goes out to you. It sounds like Punky is awfully sick, but you must be as sure as possible when and if you make the decision. The guilt afterwards is almost unbearable for awhile at least for lots of us who had to do it. BUT the guilt after seeing them suffer is also almost unbearable. There is no good way to lose them. As you already know, there are a lot of "if only's and I should have; I shouldn't have, etc. Often after the euthanasia decision, people either say, "I should have done it sooner," OR "I should have tried more, harder. I should have waited."

I think it would be good if you could have some private time away from your boyfriend. I am really, really sorry he doesn't want you on this site. Please don't let him do that to you. Do what you need to do for yourself and for Punky. YOU will ALWAYS have to live with whatever decisions are made. I really hope this helps. I don't want to upset you anymore than you already are. Please take care of you and of Punky. We will be here for you and we will support you. God bless you and your Punky.

Thinking of you and I will say a prayer for you and Punky.
Love,
Marcia
P.S. Here's a recipe you might try for Punky. I posted it in another thread for Ann to maybe try to fix it for Snookie.

2 1/2 ounces chicken
1 ounce liver
5 ounces uncooked rice
1/3 sterilized bone meal
a pinch of iodized salt
1/2 teaspoon sunflower or corn oil

Cook the rice, bone meal, salt and oil in twice the volume of water. Simmer for 20 minutes, then add the chicken and liver and simmer for another ten minutes. Cool before feeding. THIS RECIPE PRODUCES ABOUT 800 CALORIES OF ENERGY -- enough food to feed an active 22-POUND dog for a day.

A dry matter nutritional &%^ysis of this diet shows it has: 17% protein, 31% fat, and 53% carbohydrates.

If he can have it, vanilla ice cream, I bet he would eat. You are a genius for coming up with the idea of the lotion, by the way.

Dear Marcia and Pamela,

Thank you sooo much for responding (and Denise for your PM). I'm so raw and starved for comfort that these kind words feel like warm blankets wrapped around me. I was beginning to feel that people were looking at me like this: (*crickets chirping*)
You're so right Pamela, about this being a personal journey. I couldn't find the words, but that is exactly what this is. Marcia, you are right that there is no easy way out of this at all! Thank you so much for the recipe.

Love,
Punky's Mom

This morning the decision was made. I think Punky would keep trying and trying to live as long as I wanted him to. But early this morning, in a quiet moment with him, I felt like he whispered to me. He told me he was so very tired, he asked me for permission to go, and for me to help him. I don't know if I believe in this, because it could be just me talking to myself, but the sensation of this communication kind of just shot through me, and I knew in that instant that it was time. I will be putting sweet Punky to sleep in the day or two.

My boyfriend has sweetened up and has been very tender and supportive all day long, thank God. He made me a nice breakfast, he brushed my messy long hair, and he's been hugging me. He accepts that it is Punky's time to go.

My sister is coming over shortly with her four little boys to say goodbye to him. When they were younger, I was not just "Aunt", I was known as "Punky's Mommy" Punky was the star in these little boys' eyes

There is no more to be gained by prolonging the inevitable, it will only get worse for him. Every day his motor controls are less and less, and now he is collapsing in uncomfortable positions. He's not eating despite my best efforts. He is uninterested in the things he ate just two days ago.

...he just had a seizure...not a really bad one...but one that has now made me cross over to the realm of feeling guilty the longer I make him stay alive.

This hurts so much, I just want my boy back the way he used to be, but I'm at peace with this decision.

Hi!

I want to say that you are giving your sweet Punky a gift........
Yes...it will be one of the hardest things that you have ever, ever done.........
But, ALWAYS KNOW THAT PUNKY WILL FOREVER LIVE ON IN YOUR HEART AND SOUL AND YOUR MIND......

A love that is as strong as the love you and Punky share CAN NEVER BE BROKEN!!!

After I had to put my sweet Ernestine to sleep in 2/7/2004.......... I just didn't know what to do with myself....
IT WAS VERY, VERY HARD.........
(but, I know that Ben and I did the right thing........)

A wonderful person on this site said to me:

"YOU TOOK ON ERNESTINE'S PAIN SO THAT SHE COULD FINALLY BE WITHOUT PAIN......."

****AND, we would do it again in a minute****

She was suffering, and in pain......
As much as I wanted God to please take her in her sleep.......that wasn't to be....

She just needed a little help to get to Rainbow's Bridge......

I find great comfort knowing that she has soooo many wonderful animal friends over there!!!

I will pray to Ernie-Bird that when Punky gets to the Bridge, that she greet him, and show him around ....

God Bless You and Yours,

Love, Denise and Ben

Punkys mom I am so very sorry that Punky has declined and has to be put to sleep soon. I know how very bad it hurts and how much your world will be torn apart. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to stay and hold Chili Bean when they put her to sleep. I am in tears and am sending you warm hugs.

Dear sweet Punky I will tell little Chili Bean to meet you at the gate of Rainbow Bridge. She is a sweet little Chihuahua.and has been there for over 5 weeks, she and all our fur babies from here will help you find your way and welcome you to the Rainbow Bridge. You will never feel pain or be sick ever again. Run, play, bark and be happy and pain free, your mama will come to join you when it is her time. All of us here have been touched by your life and love you too.
Love, Ann

Dear Punky's Mommy,
I very saddened to hear of Punky's decline but I know how you feel. I am glad your boyfriend is comforting you. I had to make the same decision with my Boo Bear as I called him. He was my life and we went as a package. You were a genious to come up with all the ideas for Punky's comfort. I am sure Punky appreciates it very much. I know he doesn't want to leave you but his body just doesn't want to stay . . . this is a hard decision . . . but as Muffins said you are giving the best gift of all to your precious furbaby . . . a nice painless sleep. Enjoy your now time . . . it is precious. My thoughts are with you and come here often . . . dont isolate yourself it doesn't help!!!! Come here and grieve and grieve at home because it is part of the process (as I am told). Good Luck to you and Punky . . . I will be thinking of you and maybe your Punky can say hi to my boy Indy for me.
ChrissyW

Ohhhhhh! My heart just breaks for you. I am soo sorry that you are having to go through this. I am glad that your boyfriend is supporting you now.

Don't forget to clip a little of Punky's hair if you can and maybe try to get his little paw print - the vet might do that, but there are ways you can do it at home, I'm just not sure how. Maybe someone here knows. You know the vet might come to your house. It might help you to read up on the euthanasia process if you haven't already. If I can help in any way or if you have any questions, please feel free to pm or email me.

God bless you all. Please give Punky a kiss and a hug for me.
Love,
Marcia

Dear Punky's Mom,

I feel so sorry that you have finally come to the decision to end Punky's pain. I know that when you feel strongly, as you do that the time is right, then it truly is right. You have to listen to Punky and to that voice inside you. You are doing the best thing for your beloved furry friend. Please know that I will be thinking of you at this most difficult time.

Love,

Lynn

Punky's Mommy, I'm so sorry the time has come to make that choice. It will hurt for what seems like forever, and despite knowing that it is the right decision, you will agonize over it after it is done. Try not to second guess yourself, and remind yourself that the decision was made with Punky's best interests at heart. I'll also echo the thoughts of the others...take pictures, get pawprints and a lock of fur; they are treasures that you will always cherish.

Wishing you peace in your time of sorrow,

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers. The vet is coming over tomorrow to do it.

I'm soooo scared you guys!! I feel like I've put him on death row He ate like a real champ tonight: turkey, ground beef, bread, tomatoes!! Tomatoes were always his favorite- he'd come running as soon as I would cut into one. This is all making my decision more difficult to accept. He's been up and wandering around all evening, and seems not so forlorn as he was this morning. On the other hand, he's had like 5 small seizures today. Not the big horrible ones he's had in the recent past; just the tense, twitching kind. I just don't want to feel like I'm executing him tomorrow!!! I face tomorrow with dread. I don't want any regrets. Everything I do with him between now and then will be for the last time ever. When he is buried, I will cry and cry and cry just to have him in my arms one more time!

I am SO sorry you are having to make this difficult decision for your sweet Punky. I had to make that same decision for my precious Rachael. She was going downhill fast and I knew I had to help end her suffering. I experienced the same thing you are going through too. On the very morning I made the decision, she was lifting her head to look at me when I entered the room, and wagging her tail. When my mother pulled up in my driveway, she looked out the window and started barking. She hadn't barked for several days because she was so weak. Although her body was weak, her mind was sharp as a tack! I like to believe that she perked up because she understood that I was going to help her leave behind all her pain and suffering. I think, like when she became ill, she was keeping up a strong front for me! It was still the hardest decision I ever made, but I know in my heart that I did the MOST loving act I could have EVER done for her. She may have had a few more "up" times, but her "down" times would have been so much more and I would have felt guilty for keeping her with me so that I would feel better. That would have been very selfish of me!

Only you know in your heart if your darling furbaby is suffering or not. Your strong love for him will help you to know which decision is the best for him.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. I realize it is NEVER an easy decision for anybody.
Cheri

Punky's Mommy,
I cried and cried after I read your post about making the decision. It just brought everything back for me. I don't want to say anything wrong, but I would feel bad if I said nothing.

I know it was agonizing for you to make the decision, but I wish someone, anyone would have at least have made other suggestions to me. I did not post on this site before I had Hannah put to sleep. I just want to say no matter how difficult this is for you now, no matter how broken-hearted you are now, it is nothing compared to how you will feel after it is done.

I don't really believe we can ever know 100% for sure about this decision unless they are so sick they are almost gone already. I really think possibly now that Hannah might have lived a week or so longer, and that we might have been able to control her pain. I honestly don't know, of course. Nobody knows.

Punky ate well tonight and seems somewhat better? You might just want to take Punky in to the vet's first thing tomorrow to see if the vet thinks Punky might be able to comfortably make it for another week or so before the vet comes to your house. I made the mistake of taking Hannah in to go ahead and have her euthanized because she had been to the vet's a lot, but I do so wish I had made one more appointment for her just to be seen by the vet instead of making that appointment.

If you are able to be with Punky every day and don't have to leave him alone for anything, you might really want to consider this. I am stepping WAY OUT ON A LIMB saying this, I realize. I don't want precious little Punky to suffer, and I know you don't want that. That is 100% obvious. Just please be sure. Please be sure. Please be sure. I do not want to cause you anymore pain. I just want to spare you some of the pain I and others have known.

I feel just like I am there with you and Punky. My heart is breaking for you. I would give anything in this world for a few more days with my girl -- anything that wouldn't cause her more pain, that is. But maybe, just maybe, you and Punky might have a little more time together. I tell you one more hour is more precious than anything you can ever imagine right now. For some reason, which I cannot for the life of me, remember, I made Hannah's appointment for 12:40. Why in the world I did not wait until at least the last possible moment of that day, I do not know. I could have at least had a little more time with her -- SHE would have had some more time on this earth to spend smelling all the things that she and all little doggies love to smell, she could have walked on the grass and the clover, felt the sunshine on her face and her little body, the sunshine, the grass, the warmth, all the things she loved so well. Oh, the precious minutes that would have meant all the world to me. A few more Hannah kisses and hugs. Oh, how I miss all those things.

Please forgive me if I have said things I shouldn't have said. I am only saying the things I wish I had heard. I will go to bed tonight with you and Punky in my thoughts and my prayers. Oh, how my heart hurts for you, for Punky, for my baby Hannah, for myself, and everyone on this site. Why, oh why do we have to make these decisions! Why, oh why, do they have to go and leave us here!

Hi Punky's mommy


Baby Hannah's Mom (Marcia) & I spoke at length tonight....................
Over lots of FAMILY (PEOPLE STUFF)-----

I NEEDED HELP ....... AND, OTHER THINGS..and, my sweet Angel Marcia, was willing to lend an ear..................THANK YOU MARCIA!!!!

I really, really READ MARCIA'S POST TO YOU...................AND, I AM IN TOTAL AGREEMENT WITH HER.........................

Your post of 12/21 @ 9:15 pm showed that your sweet Punky was "eating like a champ", which sounds to me................different than other times..........

I surely don't want you to JUMP THE GUN, THO I DON'T WANT YOU TO DELAY THE INEVATIBLE..................

Believe me, Punky's mom & family....................

I KNOW MARCIA WELL, AND I KNOW HER EXTREMELY WELL.................

SHE WOULD NOT STEER ANYONE THE WRONG WAY............
I BELIEVE EVERYTHING THAT SHE HAS POSTED..........

In Marcia's Post................................she said EVERYTHING THAT SHE SHOULD'VE SAID......


OUR SWEET ERNESTINE WAS TWO MONTHS SHY OF TWENTY YEARS OLD.............
(AND, FOR A FURKITTY..............THAT'S WONDERFUL!!!!! )

Ben and I will always and forever be grateful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ERnestine had some form of "seizures" before we put her to sleep, but we're not sure what kind she had....................

I'll be here tomorrow for you, my friend, and I will PM you my e-mail addy/phone #, and I think that Marcia has done so..................

Options can be kept open.....................

Love, Denise xo

Hi all,

Last night was a rough night. I didn't want to sleep because it was my last night with him, and for the most part couldn't have slept even if I had wanted to. As hard as it is, and as raw as my heart and eyes are, and even though he ate well last night, I think I have to let Punky go. He is in so much distress and discomfort at night that I can't put him through one more. He can not find a comfortable position and rest easy. All night long he tosses and turns, and last night was the worst one yet. I actually had to put a collar and leash on him and hold the leash to prevent him from launching himself off the bed. He was panting and drooling so bad, and you could hear the fluid and obstructions in his lungs. A few days ago we got Valium for him. The dosage is 1/2 tablet. Last night between 8pm and 2am, we gave him 2 1/2 tablets, and nothing seemed to help ease his pain. He only finally settled down and slept at 4 am.

I'm so glad the vet is coming over between 5:30 and 6pm. I couldn't handle it if it was to happen this morning. The days are much better for him than the nights, and I wanted him to have his last day.

Thank you everyone for your support, at times last night I felt that Punky and I were not alone. I don't feel bad that you, Marcia and Denise, suggested that maybe Punky can hold on a little longer. I know if there really was a doubt in my mind, then your words would have probably made me seriously rethink the situation. As it is, he is not at all happy. Just a shadow of the old Punky. No wags, no kisses, no barks. He just wanders around on feeble legs, getting stuck in corners and tables (I never mentioned that he is also blind and deaf). Plus his seizures are getting more and more frequent. Last night for the span of several hours, he had a small seizure every half hour or so. The brain damage is evident in the endless circles he walks when he's outside.

I'm so not looking forward to this. I'm as scared as if it were me about to put my own head on the chopping block. I don't know how I can do this to him. But I can't let him suffer anymore. I wish I had all of your faith in the after life.

I'll write again after its all done. Thank you all. Love you. I regret that I am bringing up old feelings in some of you.

Hey Punky's Mommy,
Of course, we/I support your decision 100%. Some of the things about Punky, I don't know if you mentioned before, and it does sound like he really is feeling bad. Hannah did a lot of those things too -- getting in the corners, trying to jump off the bed and of course the heavy heavy breathing because of the heart and lungs filling with fluid which she would cough up.

I know you love little Punky with all your heart and soul, so my heart and soul go out to you today. I will be with you in "spirit." I will ask my baby Hannah to be waiting for Punky Brew! (I sometimes used to call Hannah Punky Brewster!)

It's okay about bringing up the feelings. The feelings are there, and they surface sometimes for no apparent reason at all. Just still grieving, and that's the way it will be for some time to come, I'm sure.

I see your love for Punky shining brightly through all of your words and your actions. You are a wonderful mommy to your precious child, doing what Punky needs. We will be here for you.

Love,
Marcia

This is a photo taken last night of Punky and my boyfriend, who has really turned into a good supportive friend, with a soft manner. I really like this photo and just wanted to share. I'm sorry you all get to see Punky in his current state. He's a mess but I haven't the heart to give him a bath.

Hi Punky's mum.

I am so sorry that you are having to do this and so near Christmas too.

Your boyfriend is a handsom fella and im sure will help to comfort you tonight and the next few months.

I know this time is so hard and i also know that you will have regrets aftewards, please note that this is quite normal and you are just going to have to ride with the waves for a while im afraid.

Love to you
Sue

Hi Punky's mommy,

First, I guess I should apologize to you. When I responded last night, I felt you had really reached your decision, but were struggling with how to deal with that decision. After reading the replies between you, Marcia and Denise, I guess I gave you bad advice I'm so sorry! I NEVER meant to imply that your only option was to end his suffering. I just feel like I betrayed you somehow.....I think I should stay away from advice for a while, until I get through the holidays myself.

I do want to say that I you are in my thoughts and I pray for peace for you and your boyfriend.

Cheri

Cheri,
PLEASE don't think that! You were and are supporting Punky's mom. I am sorry I made you feel bad about anything you said. It's just that I personally have sort of made it a mission, I guess, to try to make sure everyone who has to go through this is aware of how we normally feel afterwards, and I just want to make sure they are as sure as possible. It's just me, okay? Please, please don't stay away. You are so comforting to the people here, so kind and so thoughtful, and I know you are still hurting too. I am truly sorry. Punky's mom needs your support.

Cheri, you said to Punky's Mom: "Only you know in your heart if your darling furbaby is suffering or not. Your strong love for him will help you to know which decision is the best for him." Those are the true words, Cheri. Perhaps I am the one who should stay away for awhile, not you. I don't want to hurt anyone here. That was never my intention.

Love,
Marcia

Cheri i have just read you posting and it was wonderful compasionate advice.

All any of us can do is to say what we are feeling, even when we are angry, which does happen.

Giving advice helps you to put in prespective what you are going through yourself and is very theraputic.

I used to spend hours pondering over whether what i said was wrong, unhelpful off tone etc and i think there were many a posting that came across impatient even.

The only thing that matters in the end is that someone answered and thereby you know that someone is listening.

Have a good holiday if not a great one.

Love Sue

(((((Punky's Mommy))))))))
I am so sorry. This is a difficult time but keep reminding yourself that Punky told you what he wanted. Seymour told me and it was clear as a bell that he just had enough of the struggle his life had become.
Even though your baby ate well this may signal a further decline in him. I have seen this over and over again with chronically ill people and I saw it in my dog Bagel- as they get closer to the end they have a day when they look better and eat better. I have seen this in people-they eat great are more coherent and than are gone the next day. I know it is probably hard for you to hear this but I have seen it happen so don't be surprised if Punky doesn't do as well all of a sudden.
My heart is breaking for you. But releasing your baby from pain and suffering is a supreme act of love and courage. It will take all of your strength to let him go. Please be gentle with yourself.
Again I am so sorry. Lisa KD

{{{{{{{{{Punky's Mom}}}}}}}}}}
I just want to say that I am very sorry that you need to do this. But I also want to give you a pat on your back because you are doing such a brave thing for your baby. The road doesn't end here. You are going to travel down a rough road but you have your boyfriend and everyone here a LS to lean on. I hope you use these life lines. I am sorry because this is a hard decision to let one of your close family members go. I still remember my decision six months ago. I hope you will not be so hard on yourself because you are giving your Punky the best gift of all, even though it is the hardest one to give, you are doing it for him. He gave you one last good time before he has to go and I think that happens so maybe we will remember them in their old state, before they got ill and sick.

{{{{{{{{{{{Marcia and Cheri}}}}}}}}}}}
Please don't beat yourself up on giving advice. You maybe giving it but one it helps you as a person to heal and two it helps the person receiving it to really think of all aspects of your decision. As long as I have been coming here both of you have wonderful opinions, stories of your babies and good advice. Don't either one of you stop coming here and writing. I don't post often but I take to heart what everyone says here. Both of you giving advice . . . then why should I give advice.
Nothing you can say to people about your experience is wrong. You are tring to help them not be in as much pain as you have been in.

{{{{{{{{{{Punky's Mom}}}}}}}}}}}}
This day brings tears to my eyes for you. I am glad you have a little time with your Punky to enjoy. Please don't be scared, it is hard but it is a gift for Punky. Come here and post again. And come hear to grieve because LS members are here to support you in this sad time of your life. I am very sorry it had to be now but maybe Xmas this year can be a time where you celebrate Punky's life and his love he had for you and you for him. You are in my thoughts. I know it hurts tremendously and will for a while but we are here for you.
ChrissyW

Hi Punky's Mommy:

I want you to know that my thoughts and my prayers are with you tonight.....

God Bless You!!

My heart goes out to you....
I'm sorry if I said anything in my earlier post to make you upset.....

I read your post from this morning, and your poor darling Punky.....I just didn't know how badly off he was hurting, and
I'm sorry that I suggested anything other than what you, his mom, know should be done........

I said a prayer to Ernie-Bird to greet Punky when he gets to Rainbow's Bridge......
Your sweet baby will be good as new.......

Always know that we are here for you............And, if you need to talk, and want to PM/e-mail me, please know that I
am more than happy to help in any way I can........

You have given your sweet Punky a wonderful gift....... I used to pray that God would take Ernestine in her sleep......but, she just needed a little help......

You are in my thoughts!!!!!

Love, Denise & Ben xoxo

p.s. Such a precious photo of your boyfriend and Punky!!!

Dear Punky's mom,

I know there's nothing I can do or say that will help ease the pain you must be experiencing.

My thoughts are with you through this very difficult time. All your friends at LS will be here to help you through the grieving process...we're all going through this together.

Take care,
Kathleen

Well it happened tonight. But I think there are enough people on this board grieving that I will spare you the details until later. Thank you so much for all of your help.

Punky's Momma,
You and little Punky have been in my thoughts all day long. You will be in my prayers tonight. I know you are broken-hearted and I know you miss your baby. Bless you, sweetie. We are here when you are ready to talk.
Love and big hugs to you.
Marcia

Punky's Mommy, Please don't ever feel there is to much grief that we can't try to help one more hurting soul. Post all you need to, vent your feelings, we will cry with you and hold your hand. I am so very sorry for your pain over your darling boy Punky. You must be feeling so many things and maybe it would do you good to get it off your chest. Come and talk when you are ready.
Love, Ann

I'm so sorry but I am proud of you for having the strength to do what needed to be done. Punky is suffering no more, and in bliss and peace, he will always be a part of you, your being, your soul. Just know I am thinking of you I'm sorry you had to do this. (((((Punky's Mom))))) Pamela

Dear Punky's Mom,

I'm so very sorry. We're all here for you.
Kathleen

ohhhhhhhhh, dear Punky's Mom & boyfriend, big hugs.

My jake had a similar problem, well, similar symptoms as your Punky -- he had some undiagnosed ailment, either an aneurysm or a brain tumor, his first symptom was a grand mal seizure that came out of the blue one evening. He was badly damaged, he lived a week after with the pacing, getting stuck in corners, at the end he couldn't eat or drink very well. And he was falling all the time too, into some very uncomfortable looking positions. I was worn out just following him around and picking him up every 5 minutes. So I know how hard it has been on you and your sweet Punky.

I know you will miss him so much. It will take a little while but the memories of him in this last terrible condition will fade, after you process it all; and you will remember the wonderful fun you had with him and all the love he gave to you.

Thinking of you

Good morning. I do need to write and get it all out as part of the healing process. I just don't know if I want to tell you all what happened because I don't want to cause any more pain, especially right before Christmas.

I started writing just now and deleted it...I thought I could just say a sentence or two, but once I started, I couldn't stop.

Tell me that you can handle it, I swear if my story so far has made you cry, this one might damage you. I swear to GOD. So please be sure. I'm honestly not trying to be melodramatic or create some kind of theatrical suspense!!! I think I'd rather keep it inside that hurt any one of you!

Hi there {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Punky's Mom:}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

The worst thing you can do my friend, is to keep all of your hurt, pain, sadness INSIDE YOURSELF...... Please, I sincerely hope that you will feel free to "let it all go", and start writing.....

There's nothing worse than keeping all of the pain inside of yourself......

I think I speak for everyone that, please, WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU..........ALWAYS KNOW THAT!!!!!

I know that when Ernie was put to sleep, I came on this site and just kept typing, and crying, and rambling on & on.....
I couldn't stop --- I wasn't sure if I was making any sense.........
But, all of these wonderful people here at LS UNDERSTOOD everything that I said, and comforted me, and loved me.!!!

That's what Lightning-Strike is here for.....
We are here to help one another....... I hope that you believe that!!!

I will PM you my home phone #, and if you would like to talk, I will listen to everything that you have to say!!!!

You're among real friends, here..........
We aren't going anywhere.....

Okay?? God Bless You!!

Love Always,

Denise xoxo

Punky's Mommy,

No, no to you this time! We are all here waiting to hear from you and to respond to you. I went online many times last night to see if you were going to post and got up early today too. When I was on the site last night, there were at least 8 members just about every time -- that's pretty unusual. We were all waiting for you, Punky's Mommy.

Please, please don't worry. You need to talk, and we need to hear and we are here to share in your grief. That's what this site is about -- sharing the grief and pain and sorrow and healing together. We have all posted stories that make the kind hearts cry, but that is what we are about -- a group of people with loving, kind hearts who want to help others through their pain. Each story we hear, every response we make, helps each and every one of us on this difficult journey. We are all on the same journey, in different stages. God bless you, Punky's mommy. Talking and writing and hearing other stories is where the healing begins, okay? And it begins with talking to people who understand and care about what you are going through. Tears that are shed are healing tears, okay? We are here for you. We care very much about you and Punky.
Love,
Marcia

Yes, please post.

Like I said, my Jake went through a similar but briefer illness, and no one I had ever come across had my experience. I was completely devastated by what happened with him. I spent weeks replaying it all in my head to try to comprehend.

It helps me to hear your story.

I'm sorry I haven't posted my support earlier but I have been following your story with Punky and I want you to know that you have been in my thoughts and prayers.

If you need support, if you need someone to care...really care, post what you need to say. The people here are amazingly resiliant. Everyone is so worried about you and thinking of you...I can see it in the responses. Post when you feel you can, Don't worry about us.........

Kristie

Punky's Mommy, We love you, care about you ... care about what you have been going through with your dear Punky ... care about you NOW.

I was thinking of you so much last night and wondering what was happening ... and now from your post it seems that your last 24 hours have been a nightmare.

Please know that whatever you say it will help all of us to heal further. Something special happens when we share our pain. It helps the sharer and it helps those who it is shared with. I don't understand why, but I know this to be true.

So bless you tonight, and when you are ready you tell us.

I wish I could give you a big hug ... (((((((HUG)))))))

With love
jilly

Punky's Mommy,
I am so sorry that this had to happen. Please share your feelings here. We are here to listen and not judge just to help. I am echoing everything else everyone here has said. It is okay to share your story because it helps us heal too. Please talk, write or do what ever to start your healing process. I have been thinking of you and Punky and my boy. I see in my head right now Punky up with everyones furbaby from LS and telling each other about their owners down here and they are looking down and saying they are all helping each other to get through this tough, rough road and then one day we will be reunited!!!!!!! Nothing more can be said. Please come here if you need it.
ChrissyW

Dear Punky's Mom:

Just want to let you know that I've thought of you & yours all day...

You're in my prayers.....

Love, Denise xo

Punky's momma,

Me too, Punky's mom. More prayers for you tonight. Take good care of yourself, okay? I'm sure it's hard to eat, hard to sleep . . .but try, okay?

I am SO concerned about you. I am just hoping and praying that you aren't all alone there -- that your boyfriend is there holding you and comforting you and listening to you. We are ALL concerned about you.

I just about died when Hannah died -- I really wished I could have had a shot too, you know what I mean? God, I missed her so much, and I still do. I know the unbearable pain you must be feeling missing your precious, precious little Punky so much. We have all "been there."

The man who created this site, Marc David, did so in honor of his cat, Tribbles, so that people would have a place to come where they are totally accepted and not judged and where they can meet others who have had to bear the incredible loss of their "fur people." A place where we share our pain, work through our feelings and our grief, a place where we all help each other -- a place where others care as much about their animal children so very much -- to a degree that we often find ourselves pretty isolated and alone in our day to day lives.

We have all pretty much been where you are tonight, and we know how much it helps to talk about it to people who understand. And the compassion and love and wisdom here is incredible. The people here are so kind and helpful and loving. You and Punky are in the thoughts of everyone here who ever ready about precious little Punky and you.
Love,
Marcia

Dear Punky's Momma,

Please know that I am thinking of you and what you are going through. I showed my husband and son Punky's picture the other day and told then the problems he was having and how you were trying so hard to save him. (They loved your avatar of precious Punky.) I told them I wanted to check the posts and keep updated on Punky, also.

Like everyone else said, PLEASE write and tell us all what has happened. That's why we're all here.

Love,

Lynn

Hello again to Punky's Momma -

Wanted to let you know that my 11 year old son just walked into the room and a post with Punky's picture was on the monitor. I said to him, "That's the dog I told you and Dad about whose owner drove from Florida to New York for treatment." I told him that his mother had to make the horrible decision to have him put down. He asked if you had done that yet and I said I wasn't sure since you didn't want to upset people with a sad post at Christmas............He said, "Mom - isn't that what the website is for?........to share your feelings....."

Lynn XXOO

Dear Everyone - Marcia, Denise, Ann, Cheri, Pamela, Lisa, Chrissy, JT, Sue, Kathleen, J4lorn, Kristie, Jilly, Lynn, DJ, Jim, and all others,

I am so blessed to have this network of new friends. Like one of you so wisely said, its not even what you post as much as it is THAT you post which makes all the difference when one of us is in pain. I think of you often, and spent a bit of time last night shedding tears with you reading some of your beautiful tributes and eulogies.

I promise to you that I will share my story with you either Sunday or Monday. I know that it will be very painful to write it, and I'll be a sobbing mess, as you might be too, so I will wait till after Christmas

For now, I am just enjoying private time with the small loving family that I have left. My boyfriend has become my comfort and my strength, and I think we've renewed a love that has long been kinda off-track. Yesterday I pulled my sketch books and photo albums out of storage to find every photo of Punky and every doodle of him I could find. I was so filled with his sprirt revisiting these times we've had together, I think I was on a serotonin high the rest of the day. I've begun scanning some photos in and I look forward to sharing them with you. Today we went and bought a pallet of pretty flowers which I will plant on his grave tomorrow, Christmas day.

I hope all of you have a wonderful holiday.

Peace

Dear Punky's Mommy,
You are right, this is a time for you when you want to be, 'doing things' for your precious Punky. I know my first couple of days, all I wanted was to be left in peace, to arrange flowers for Ellie. Make a little memorial in the garden. Put her pictures in frames all round the house. It was all I could think of ... I kept thinking, what can I do for her next.
I am so very glad that your boyfriend is being such a comfort and a strength for you at this such sad time.
Please know that you and Punky are in my heart, and my thoughts are so very much with you.

With love
jilly

Dear Punky's Momma,
I am so glad to "hear" from you, and am very happy that you and your boyfriend are pulling closer together. I really do look forward to seeing more photos of little Punky man. You will always be together in spirit and he will always live in your heart. Please have the best possible Christmas with your family. We will be here when you are ready to talk. Take care.
Love,
Marcia

I was thinking of you often today and I'm so happy to hear that you are doing ok. I, like the others, am so glad to hear that you and your boyfriend are being such a great support to eachother...I know that I wouldn't have made it through Kasha's passing without my wonderful husband. I needed his strenght and support so much in those first few days.

You are doing so well....hang in there and please try to have a nice Christmas with your family. You will be in my thoughts and prayers tonight......

Kristie