I apologize in advance if this is long. I have a lot of hurt in my heart and I need to let it out.
Seven years ago, I was fourteen and crying over my kitten who had disappeared after I had had him for two monthes. He had been gone about a week when this little stray black cat who was starving began to hang around my apartment front door. Being partial to orange cats, I saw this rag muffin full grown petite black cat with the white paws and felt sorry for her. It wasn't instant love, but I invited her in to the apartment. She came in and I fed her. "She eats as much as a horse!" She was starving, and I named her Horsie. Horsie moved with us three times and was always a companion for me. When we bought our house here in Salem, after about six months she dropped weight, quit eating, and began running around the house screaming if she tried to eat. In the last year and a half I feel ashamed to say I kept her doped up on cortizone when the treatments we could afford didn't work, and cortizone was the only option that was in our price range. There was no cure for what she had. She was doing fine with 1x a month injection, but this month when we were supposed to go five weeks in between shots..She got sick and quit eating in the third week. She laid in my closet the last two days. I'm so busy with school and life I feel so rotten that I made the decision I did just like that. Within two hours of making the decision to have her put to sleep she was dead. I didn't even get to pet her that much the last couple weeks cause of my schedule and she was always hiding. I know she was in pain and I know she loved me. I never had a cat so many years who I loved so much. She was always there. I feel so angry at myself that I wasn't able to tell her goodbye because I was trying not to cry as they were injecting her. I just held her. I also wonder if I made the right decision. Did she want to die? This time when I drove to the vet she was so calm which was unlike her. Did she know she was going to get her shot and would feel better..Did she trust me to make her feel better and not kill her? I also am mad because I checked the box to have her body donated so maybe they could find what causes the problem she had. Now I have visions of her all shaved and being disected, when all I want is for her to be back at the house. I know I made the right decision because of her pain level and she was slowly starving but..all these other ?'s....My boyfriend dosent like to see me cry and I havent told any of my family because I dont want them to stress just yet (new jobs and new school years) so I am thankful that I have someplace to mourn my cat Horsie. She hated other cats and I have adopted two other strays in the last year, whom she hated. I hope she didn't think I didn't love her as much. I miss her so much already, its only been 13 hours..
Thank you for letting me vent and here is a picture of Horsie

Horsey looks exactly like my Edgar - I even put a kerchief around his neck like that a lot - he hated it

I am very sorry that your little Horsey was so sick. But the decision to put our loved ones out of pain is sometimes better done quickly. I know I would like my own pain ended that way if the situation were reversed.

Horsey's body isn't HORSEY. It's a vessel for the most beautiful and delicate being in God's creation. And the real Horsey is playing with the hundreds and thousands of others at the Rainbow Bridge waiting for us to join them.

Stay strong until we rejoin them.

HUGS

Dear Sharms,

Don't feel guilty about your schedule preventing you from doting on Horsie as much as you would've liked. Someone had to make the money to feed her and pay for her medical treatments! I was laid off from work a week before I found my dog Winnie was dying from cancer. At first I thought that was cruely unfair, I lost my job and now i'm going to lose my dog? Not cool! However, the past few months not working, I was able to spend with Winnie. I was very, very lucky. My dad is very fond of the saying that you never know where your help is coming from. Had I been working, Winnie would spent most of her illness alone. She would've been okay with that though. Cats and dogs have a tendency to live in the moment, and don't seem to notice the passage of time. I'm sure the time you spent with Horsie was more than adequate to express your feelings of love for her. I'm sure that she knew that you loved her. Likewise, strays seem to be sypathetic to other strays or animals in need and don't mind that attention is divided amongst them. They know that you have lots of love to give and there is enough to go around. I think you made the right decision, when an animal hides it is because they are feeling vulnerable. Horsie sensed that was something wrong with her and her extincts told her to hide to protect herself from predators (which of course there are none, but their instincts don't know that). She probably would've died there in the closet had you not taken action to speed the process and end her pain. That was a very brave and loving thing to do. It's the hardest thing to do, I know, I put Winnie to sleep last Friday. My heart is broken, I will never be the same after loving her so and losing her. There are times in our lives that finances or stress or whatever demand that we can't always do right by our pets, but at least in the end we can do right by them and offer them release from this mortal coil, knowing that somewhere, somehow, be it at the rainbow bridge or in heaven or in the form of another pet or friend, that we will see them again. Take heart! Horsie is now healthy and pain free, she loves you and knows that you love her and is grateful to you for her release.

Kelly

Dear Sharms,
Oh, you must just be aching inside! Bless you honey for showing compassion for that kitty in her hour of need. Both when you fed her, and helped speed her freedom.
I just had to do my cat Fish on August 1st. Just like Horsey, as I sat in the car petting and crying over him before I took him into the vet's office for his injection,
He looked at me with this kind of knowingness in his eyes that freedom was at hand. I think Horsey did know the pain would soon end.
Now she and Fish-Wish, and all the others are roaming pain free in that unknown beyond.
Boy I miss him. I wish I had never force-fed him the last few days of his life, he hated it. And those horrible pills..
But at the same time, I am grateful that I spent his last week with him. Even though it was kinda cruel.
I love him, I cannot believe he is gone.
As far as donating Horsey's body for study, I think you are doing a justice to her and vetrinary medicine and may save a life someday with the research done on her.
Don't think about the gruesome stuff, I can sit here all day long and remember the semi-decomposed bodies of those horses
in the pasture (one of them was my fault, she choked to death and I didn't lift a finger to rescue her- stupid, stupid, stupid).
It's not conducive to recovery, try to put that from your mind because all it will do is guilt you.
Honey, you are not alone, please do come back here and talk about Horsey often. Thank you for sharing her with us, she is a beautiful cat!

Much love,
Annica Jonsdotter

I just want to say thank you to everyone here. I cannot even begin to express how much talking about Horsie has helped me in my grief. I really want to say thank you to the webmaster of this place as well. I never even thought of the importance of there being a place for people to talk about their grief of an animal, until it happened to me. I am so, so so thankful for the many private messages and posts I have recieved. It was nice to know that I wasn't 'weird' for grieving over her the way I was. My friends in real life meant well, but I didn't need mind-altering drugs or alcohol to get over my grief as they offered..I just needed people who would listen non-judgementally and who would understand. At 3:30 today it will be one month since Horsie ceased living. Is it weird to say that now I regret that I didn't do it sooner, at times? I don't think any of you would say yes because you all have very caring, empathetic, and loving hearts and can see both sides.....I care for you all, and want to say thank you from my heart...Please, take care and I will check in often and see how you all are and try my best to comfort people who were in my position a month ago.

Thank you and with love,
Katie Prestenbach

Katie,

We are glad you found this place.

Horsie was an absolutely gorgeous kitty. Thank you for posting the pic.

Love,
Jennifer