Hi all,

I need to rant some more. It seems that Tuesdays will be hard for a while. It's 3 weeks to the day that we had to say goodbye to Kona. I realize that I've cried every single day since she's been gone. Some days it's just a few tears, but other days it's a deluge, and today is a deluge.

I'm starting to feel guilty for euthanizing her. I'm starting to think of the "what ifs". Maybe if I'd had her spleen removed, it wouldn't have been so bad and she'd still be with us today. I didn't want to put her through any more big surgeries. When we had her leg amputated in August it was very hard to watch. She had a bad reaction to the codeine and whined like she was in pain for a week. But, we got through it and she thrived with only 3 legs.

I guess this doesn't make sense if I haven't explained Kona's illness. She was diagnosed with osteosarcoma in August for which we had her leg amputated. We contemplated chemo, but decided against it for it would not cure the cancer, only delay the inevitable and might make her sick. Early in November she suddenly stopped moving and refused to eat. We took her in and they took x-rays and found that the cancer had spread to her lungs and that she had masses in her spleen. The vet said the masses might bleed and the symptoms would be bloating and immobility.

I keep going back to the day we took her to the vet that last time. She'd had a bad night. She was bloated to about twice her normal size and couldn't get comfortable. But, when we took her to the vet, she seemed to perk up. She didn't know what was coming. I'll never forget seeing her head sort of bob and rest on the floor that last time.

Guess it's time to get another box of kleenex

Susan

What you have gone through with Kona's illness - and the incredible lengths you went to in order to try to save her life - you deserve to let yourself grieve for a while.

You are clearly the type of person we all try to be - and don't you dare feel guilty for finally relieving Kona's misery!! You have put yourself through repeated worry, panic, pain and heartbreak in order to give Kona as many chances as you could!!

There comes a time - in many people's lives - when they have to stand up and say "No more." We say it when we see injustice, we say it when we see suffering. You were brave and courageous enough to say "No more." And when nature would not ease Kona's suffering - and seemed determined to drag things out - you took your stand and said "No more."

Was it the right decision? YES
Was it a brave and noble thing to do? YES
Would you do it again if someone you love was in pain? I HOPE the answer is YES

She may not have known what was coming, but I have NO doubt that somewhere she is thanking the universe that her family was one of such loving, inspirational people - who went as far as they could before they finally helped her to sleep.

HUGS

I know that spot in the pic...SeaSide Ore. ? I used to take my Moose there, infact I have a pic of him with the same background almost. It has been slightly over 2 months for me now and all the feelings you are writing and the visions that are tourturing your mind are so normal, the first 6 wks for me was constant crying, and most of all, the guilt of not being able to go and hold him while they gave him his last shot, it tourtures my mind because I knew he needed me there, when ever he would get hurt (like a sticker in the foot) he would run to me like a child crying for me to make him better.
you did all you could do for KONA, the same as all you could do if kona were human and I know you miss her like the child she was to you. Susan, losing Moose made me phycially sick, I laid on my couch crying, eating little I just wanted to die too.... for 6 wks. I replayed it over and over in my mind embracing the deep grief of my soul spent hours and hours on LS, typing my feelings that sometimes did'nt even make sence to me, as time goes on I have to and am able to block some of those awful last hours, they pop into my mind and I push them away. I'm not always succesful at it but better than in the begining My soul is still aching every morning when I open my eyes to a new day, I miss him so much I feel it in the pit of my stomach I pray alot, it is true this sorrow took me to the heart of God, and he used all of you to bless me and help me through this. Sweetie, I cant tell you these feelings will not be so intense just a little further down the journey, it's like those deep feelings form a scab on them.. you can pull it and it hurts, it's always there but we ...get used to it I guess. I think that even though we think of those painful things (cant stop them in the begining) over and over it is our minds way of making what we cant beleive to be reality...acceptance is the hardest. I feel your pain today for I have been there just a short time ago. It makes me feel good to know how much you loved your baby, and even though our little family members had to go..there are so many that live their life with no one to love them, suffering, I always said all my furbabies we're lucky to happen upon me.....for I was devoted and capable of an intense love for them. Pamela

Thank you for responding. Today has been a bad day and I needed some support, which I got here in spades. DJ, your post was very reassuring. I hope Kona is out there thanking us for ending the suffering. I only wish I could have taken it all away. And Pamela, I know your animals are lucky. Your love for Moose comes through very clearly. He was indeed a beauty and a lucky guy. You're close on the picture. It's from Cape Meares Ore, a little further south from Seaside. It does look a lot like Seaside. I bet Moose loved the ocean. Kona loved it for the sand. Lots and lots of soft sand to dig in. Congrats on the new job. I hope starting somewhere fresh will help. Got to get to work. Hopefully that will distract me for the rest of the day.

Love Susan

Dear Susan,

I know exactly how you feel. Shiloh was diagnosed with lymphoma in May, even though I opted for chemo, I still lost her in September. Friday, September 17th at 9:30PM to be exact. Fridays are still really hard for me. I can tell you that the 3rd and 4th week anniversary of her passing were really difficult. It was about that time that I started feeling like I hadn't done enough. The day before I had her put down, I had an appointment with the oncologist, they gave me Shiloh's next dose of chemo, but by the time we got home that night and the next day, Shiloh could barely walk, she wasn't eating, and she was struggling for each breath. I knew it was time. Three and four weeks after I had her put down, I started thinking that if I'd gotten her to the oncologist earlier in the week, or maybe if I given her another day to feel better she might have made it. Perhaps if I'd done those things Shiloh would've been around for a little while longer, but maybe not. It may have postponed the inevitable for a little time, but the inevitable was going to happen no matter what I did or didn't do. I know in my heart that the decision I made, just as the decision you made, was the right one. We stopped their suffering...we sent them to the rainbow bridge cancer free. Shiloh and Kona are running on beaches, through forests, up mountains...wherever their little paws lead them. They feel great, their cancer free, and they appreciate what we did for them.

Susan, I know how great your saddness is. Mine is great too. Shiloh was my best friend and companion.

My thoughts are with you.
Kathleen

Hi Susan,
Poor little Kona went through so much but now she is free to run and play and is not in pain anymore. That's what my husband and I tell ourselves when we lost Chili Bean to cancer. She too had a lot of problems her last year of life and now they can run together. She thought she was a big dog even if she was a little chihuahua. I too feel bad but we did all we could for her, there was nothing more that could be done. You rant all you need to and cry those tears as they are healing. Hugs
Ann

Thank you all again for responding. You've all been so kind and I'd really like to return the favor someday when I feel stronger.

Kathleen, your avatar is beautiful. That picture is so sweet. Our stories are similar. I know that you gave Shiloh a wonderful goodbye. I found I pretty much devoted everything I did to making sure Kona was feeling okay once she was diagnosed. There's a big empty spot. Shiloh was your constant companion, just like Kona was mine. I didn't ever think that I could be the one to say enough and end it. I still do the what ifs. It's funny that they didn't start until now. When we took Kona to the vet, I was sure I was doing the right thing.

DJ, if you read this I hope you don't mind that I actually printed out your post. I read it when the guilt starts up. I think underneath the sorrow and emotions I know I had to set Kona free. Thank you for putting those words down.

Ann, I know that Chili Bean is happily chasing Kona right now. The tears are healing, but I think they'll be many, many more of them to come.

I hope that someday I'll feel stronger and be able to support someone else. Man, I really have a hard time putting my thoughts to words. I hope this is coming out okay.

Hugs to all of you
Susan