I guess I just wanted to share with some people who would understand what I'm going through right now. My kitty Gracie, who I loved more than anything, died on Saturday from feline leukemia. She was a stray and I found out shortly after I adopted her that she was FeLV+, but I was already too attached to give her up. She was very healthy for over 2 years but about a month ago, she began to exhibit signs of anemia. We began to treat her with interferon but it was too little, too late. The worst part of it all is that I was in Florida when my sister and mother finally had the unenviable decision of deciding that it was time to euthanize her. I know that they made the right decision because they never would've gone through with it if it wasn't necessary (being cat lovers themselves), but I feel an immense guilt, like I let my baby girl down by not being there for her. Another part of me wonders if she used up all of her remaining strength to make me feel okay about leaving for Florida, as she became very ill as soon as I was gone. That would be just like her - always thinking of my feelings first. She was the most wonderful animal I have ever had.

Gracie was a long haired calico, with the cutest little white paws and an adorable white nose. She had a long, slender body and a big puffy tail. Every night she would curl up against me in bed and every morning she would wake me up with gentle kisses on the face. She purred so loudly - it was such a reassuring sound. She adored me as much as I adored her, greeting me at the door every day when I came home and following me from room to room. If I took too long to acknowledge her presence, impatient meows would follow.

Anyway, thanks for letting me share. It really does help to talk to others who understand how much it hurts. I'm sorry for all of you who have lost pets - it's such an unbelievable pain and people without pets just don't understand. My deepest sympathies to everyone.

Dear Gracie’s mama

Did you let her down or was she waiting for the time that she could let go?

Sometimes our pets hang on for us to their own expense, we put them in the Alpha position and as much as we feel we are protecting them, they feel they are protecting us, confusing to say the least.

You took Gracie in from the cold and gave her a home full of love and warmth, how better for her to repay you than to take away the pain of making the awful decision of having her put to sleep.

I wish I could say something to take away the guilt, but we are human and guilt seems to be our friend, we never think of what we did - but rather what we didn’t do.

Be kind to yourself and thank Gracie for sparing you from the pain of deciding it was time for her to go and remember her in her prime when she was enjoying the love that she thought was lost to her.

Take care,
Love Sue
***

It kills me that our sick pets struggle to hang on and "be okay" to protect us from worry and heartbreak. My dog Winnie hung on for months, just so she could stay with me a little longer, even though I told her it was okay to go. Take heart knowing that you had a brave little kitty, who waited until you were away before he let go. She wanted to spare you some of the pain of her passing, not knowing that you would beat yourself up for not being there. She wouldn't want you to do that, it defeats her purpose! It sounds silly but I think our pets know whats best for us. Winnie knew I was struggling with when to put her to sleep, so she took that decision out of my hands by getting so ill that I HAD to put her to sleep. She was okay with it too, I swear to god, she had already distanced herself and began her journey even before we made it to the vet. I believe your little cat knew that it would be hard for you to be there when she died, so she waited until you were away and allowed other people she loved to handle it for you. What a sweet little gift! Love her for that, honor her for that and remember her for that. Take the onus from yourself and understand that it was her decision, with you being gone she didn't feel as though she had to look after you and let herself go. I hope this isn't bumming you out! Maybe i'm saying all the wrong things, my intention is to make you feel better and release some of the guilt you are feeling. Sweet little Gracie wouldn't want you feeling so bad.

Kelly

The afternoon that Saki passed, I held her and cuddled and brushed her and told her everything. And part of telling her everything included telling her that I would be OK, and that it was ok if she had to go. Then we napped and she died in my arms while I was sleeping....

But you see, **I** feel guilty for not fighting harder. For telling her that it was ok, for not saying "fight like hell..."

So it doesn't matter, you know? I am sure that Gracie knew the right thing to do, knew to wait until you were away, bc she knew what was best for you. Saki knew I would've died, just died, if I had had to put her down. I would not have been able to live with that. And still, I feel guilty for telling her it was ok to go...

You can't win in this situation. It just always hurts. The best you can do, is, like Sue said in another post "If you have to choose between their pain in yours, wouldn't you prefer it be yours" (that's a rough paraphrase...)

I am deeply sorry for your loss of Gracie. May you find the strength and peace to carry on and love again.

Thank you all so much for your beautiful words of encouragement. It's so nice to know that there's a place to turn when I don't want to dump this all on my boyfriend or my family. They're all wonderful, but they have lives too and don't need my constant weepiness. Plus, since my sister was the one to make the awful decision, I hate to make her feel any more guilty. The poor thing has been beating herself up for a week now.

When Gracie passed, my mom and sister were with her and telling her how much she was loved. But just as she crossed, my mom told her to go be with Cassie and Whitney, two of her cats who passed away 16 months ago and about 11 months ago respectively. And the other night, my mom said she could've sworn she felt Cassie on the bed with her and she thinks it was Cassie stopping by to let her know that Gracie was okay. That makes me feel a little better. Even though I'd (selfishly) rather have her here with me, I like the idea that Cassie and Whit are taking care of her. They were always such nice girls. Except I hope that Gracie is nicer to other cats in the afterlife than she was during her time with me! She was definitely a mama's girl...

It's been a week today. I had the week off from work so I really had a chance to mourn. But today I'm going to try to start healing. My sister and I are going to go and make a donation to an animal shelter in Gracie's name. At least some other animals could benefit.

I think that anyone who adopts an FIV+ cat is one of the most generous and bravest people on earth. You have proven to me to be one of the strongest people on here. It was wonderful that Gracie had your family with her - and of course, YOU were with her in her heart even if you couldn't be there in body.

Cats ALWAYS hide their symptoms - in order to place themselves in a less vulnerable position. Going away might have let her relax enough that the illness finally showed - but in NO way would it hurry her passing except cosmetically. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You took in a cat that most people would not have learned to love. You gave her a wonderful home for two whole years and she died after having become a part of your family, heart and soul. May we all be as lucky - to have someone who loves us so much despite our own problems.

HUGS