I might be fine one minute and then the next I am in tears. It just hurts so very much. Sometimes I feel like my fur grand baby Chili Bean could not be gone from my life maybe she is with my son at his house. But my heart tells me she is gone, gone from this earth never to hold her in my arms here in this earth.

When we first lost Chili Bean I was so unprepared when I took her to the vet. I thought she was having a reaction to the new meds she was on I thought the vet could fix her up and I would be bringing her home. I knew her nose was twisted and and it did not look good but I never thought she would have to die.

I was all alone and when the vet said she would need to be put to sleep or she would suffocate I couldn't believe the words he was saying and I still have a hard time believing she is gone.

I stood there and held that little girl in my arms telling her how much I loved her and was so so sorry he could not make her well. I bawled like a baby and tears ran down all over the vet's hand but he just stood there and continued injecting the needle in her tiny leg.

I remember thinking her little leg was barely bigger than a bone and the needle looked almost as big and how could this be happening to her.

I thought of her as a puppy and all the years of joy and love she brought and things like that. How a person could think so many things in the short time it took her to leave this world is beyond me.

At first I felt faint knowing this was going to kill her and I just wanted to grab her and run, but love held me there. I could not let that precious little life suffer so I did that what needed and had to be done.

It has been a little over 4 weeks and I have tried to stay strong for the rest of the family. But oh God my heart aches just to hold my little Chili Bean and look into her eyes once more. It seems like the tears are coming as often as they did when I first lost her. I thought I had control of my feelings but I guess I do not.

I want to fling myself at my husband and grown children and tell them to help me, but they have never seen me fall apart except for the time I lost my mother. They depend on me to dry their tears and hold their hands and keep a calm head in any troubles, to be their source of strength and comfort.

But I am so tired of crying alone at night and putting on a fake smile by day all the while having a a broken heart that hurts so much, a heart that cries out help me.

Yet somehow I will carry on keeping my pain in not showing the weaker side of me to my family. I must remain strong that is what is expected of me, what they rely upon, how they view me, and what I have shown them about me all these years. Yet now I am weak I feel as though my strength is almost gone. How will I ever make it when Snookie leaves me I feel as though I don't have much strength left.
Ann

I know exactly how you are feeling. Right now, I am just wondering if I can make it through another hour. I have lost nine pounds in five days, and I am utterly exhausted. I don't know who to turn to or what to do. My husband has been my rock and has kept me sane, but he does have to go to work and carry on in his life too. My daughter luckily seems to be handeling this very well. I don't think she ever had the attachment to Rusty that we did, as he was our "first" child. I am praying for strength and guidance, but my spirituallity is weak. I know in my head that my Rusty was in pain and that this was no kind of life for him, but I still feel violent regret for what I did on Wednesday. I wish I could come to terms with it. Just knowing that these kindred souls are here is helpful, but I wish I could wake up from this nightmare.

I once read that every soul starts out as an unformed piece of clay. Through our lives we are shaped and molded - and sometimes we are put through the fires that will harden us and make us into a finer being.

I don't know if that is true - but what I see in you is a strong, resilient person - a more refined soul, who is doing an admirable job of showing their nobility.

This is what, I believe, hmans are on earth for. We are the guardians of this world - and the beings within it. You proved your worthiness as a human being the moment you pushed away your fears and stood still - holding that puppy in your arms as she left this world.

I have no doubt that when it is needed, you will once again find the strength to do this.

What more could she have asked for? A wonderful, loving life - and to be held in the arms of the one she loved while she passed on into the next life.

Be as strong as you feel you need to be for your real-life family - your online family will be here when you need to cry.

Hugs.....

Dear Ann,

I know exactly how you feel. I lost Shiloh almost 3 months ago and I still feel so lost without her. At times I look at her ashes and her collar and just weep.

It comforts me to know that I have such a wonderful support group here at LS.

We all care for and support you, Ann.
Take care,
Kathleen

Dear Ann,

What a wonderful, loving person you are. I hope you don't feel like you're weak for coming here to let your emotions out. You need to take care of yourself too. I think you are very strong for giving Chili Bean a peaceful passing even though it ripped your heart out.

Take Care,
Susan

Thank you all so much, I seem to gain strength when I come here and speak what is on my mind. It makes me feel stronger when you all help me see things a little clearer and to know I am where I should be in the stages of grief and I am not alone.

Also it makes me feel better when I try to give everyone some words of encouragement too. For in speaking to someone else about finding peace and forgiveness and being with our babies again some day I am speaking to myself and feel a cleansing in my own soul.

I can let my hair down so to speak and share my grief here then I can remain a little stronger for my family. The times when I feel so weak and so useless you all make me to see I can find strength and I will survive to keep loving and living another day, one day at a time. There is so much healing to be found with each and everyone of you. Blessings to you all.
Ann

Dear Ann,

My deepest sympathy to you on the loss of your precious Chili Bean. What a cutie!! Please know you did the right thing by ending Chile Bean's pain. She knew you were with her and that made her feel safe and loved.

I know what you mean about trying to be strong for your family. That is a very difficult thing to do. I try not to cry in front of anyone but have found that to be impossible. Don't cry alone at night, Ann. Your family will surely understand if you "fall apart" from time to time. If they don't know the extent of your grief, they won't know how much you need them right now.

Since I lost my Rusty (on December 8th), my husband (like Waflady's) has been my rock. He misses Rusty, too and we talk about the good times we had with him and the funny things he would do, which causes me to end up in tears.

My son understands that we won't have a Christmas tree this year. Rusty loved to sit under the tree and he'd always help open the packages. This year we are using only our little artifical tree. At first, I felt selfish denying my son (age 11) a tree but that's how badly I feel. I do not have the strength to drag out the ornaments and decorate a big tree. So, that's what you probably have to do, Ann........Think of yourself and not be a rock for awhile......acknowledge that you do feel weak and need someone to be YOUR rock.

From your family and those on this wonderful forum, you will gather strength.

Love,

Lynn

Hey Ann,

You are so not alone! I am fine one minute and the next minute I am weeping my eyeballs right out of my head. I can usually get myself to calm down quickly, Ebony would lick away my tears and I know she would hate me to be sad, so I knuckle up and go on with the other wonderful people and pets I am still blessed with.

Cancer may have ravaged her body and taken her away from me, but it can't touch her spirit and all the fond memories I have of her. Even the ones I thought were bad at the time, like the time she jumped on the table and made off with a WHOLE London broil and hid under my mother-in-law's bed with it lol.

Hugs Sharon

I gathered my 4 children together and my husband and I told them I was so distraught over losing Chili Bean and my heart is still so broken. I told them I cry alone at night and one of my friends on LS told me not to do that. I told them all I need a little of their strength. That they need to know I am having a hard time dealing with her death and also the fear of Snookies end.

We all hugged and cried in each other's arms and I felt relief like I haven't felt for a long time. I told them all how terrible it was to be alone when Chili Bean left this world and what it was like for me. They said that had been waiting for me to talk to them that they could see how distressed I was and was worried that I couldn't carry on trying to bear the pain by myself.

Although we have all cried often together over Snookie after Chili Beans funeral the kids tried to pretend nothing ever happened and they just quit talking about her all except for one daughter. A couple of them told me it hurt to see Chili Beans pictures all over the walls but they understood that I could not take them down.

I am so blessed with my children and now they know I too need their help to get through the rough spots. My husband confessed he cries alone too and I knew he did I have heard him. Now we can all stand together and help each other. I don't know why I thought I had to be so brave and not ask any of them for help over the course of their lives. I will never have to hold it all in and cry alone again.

Thank you all for your kind words and thank you Lynn for telling me not to cry alone.
Ann

There you go ! I was just going to post and tell you BREAK DOWN you have a family that loves you and would embrace you and give you strength. Then I read your last post.....it warmed my heart thinking of you all crying together and sharing the pain of it all. Sometimes we put such high of expectations on ourselves....you are so lucky to have your family. Pamela

Ann,

I am so glad you told your family how much you need them and that you now feel some relief.

Your letter made me cry .....like I haven't been doing enough of that lately .....

You're in my thoughts.

Lynn

XXOO

You're in my thoughts, Ann. I'm glad you confided in your family....now you can all gather strength from each other and you won't feel so alone and isolated with your grief. You're stronger than you think you are....when it's forced upon us, most of us just go on auto-pilot and rise to the challenge and do whatever must be done.

Take care,
__Jim

Hi Ann,

I too am so glad that you confided in your family. I am so delighted to hear that they gave you the support and understanding you desired. You have a wonderful and understanding family, as I have learned through reading your posts. I need to follow your lead and confide in my husband. I still have days that I cry and I no longer talk about it to him. He stills mentions Rachael, but he doesn't seem to be as upset anymore as I still am.

Well, this isn't a post about my problems, but I just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers and STILL such an inspiration to me!

Hugs,
Cheri

Hi Ann-
I am so glad that your family stood by you in your time of grief and you learned of their feelings too. I am so sorry. What a loving thing you did for your little girl. They trust us to know what is best for them and you didn't let her suffer the agony of not being able to breathe. How frightening that would have been. I am so sorry that you had to do this alone- it shows how much you cared not to think of your own needs but to be sure she was ok.
Making the ultimate decision for our pets is heartbreaking no matter what cir%%stances. May time ease your pain. I certainly understand your feelings right now about your other dog. My other dog has CHF and is living on borrowed time so I have many of the same emotions that you are expressing- we cannot take another loss, espeicially if we have to make that choice for our little Missy girl any time soon.
May you find peace and comfort as time passes Ann-Lisa

November 11th will mark 3 years since my family lost Chili Bean.
We have been talking about so many memories of her and all the
love she gave us over the years. We will always miss her and hold
her close to our hearts. We talk about her often and how our lives
were so fulfilled because of her.

I have not posted for a long time but I do check on all of you often.
I pray for those who are new on the board too. I can tell you the
pain will get better and the laughter will come again. The desire to
have them in your lives will remain but your heart will beat on. One
day you will both laugh and cry with the precious memories. The
tears wont flow as often and you will be able to find joy in living.

I am thankful I had this board family to talk to and draw comfort
from when I lost Chili Bean. Then 6 weeks later I lost the love of
my life my precious Schnauzer.

I thought I could not make it or that I would lose my mind but I
knew they wanted me to keep loving on and to keep living. It was
one of the hardest things I had ever had to live through. With the
help of friends who became like family I made it through.

I will be forever loving them and look forward to being reunited
with them in Heaven. Until then I carry them and all the love they
gave me in my heart and soul.
Love, Ann

Ann,
I am new to this board, having lost our little Orion three weeks ago. I love what you say in your post. It is testament to the fact that Chili Bean's and Snookie's love changed you and is always with you. I am glad you came here to post. It gives us hope for the future that we will all have smiles and laughter again that we can share about our beloved furbabies. I am in a phase right now where I am just *okay*. I will have a good day and then out of nowhere the grief hits. I am not in that excruciating, bleak darkness of the first week, but it still makes my heart ache so hard when I see his picture or look at where he used to lay in the sun. I even *see* him sometimes out of the corner of my eye, only to look and find that my mind was playing tricks on me. I know that the days are coming when we will laugh and smile about him again and the pain won't be as sharp as a knife. Orion changed our lives and I will always be a better person for having known him. He is an angelcat now and I hope that he has met your Chili Bean and Snookie. He liked dogs, so I am sure he would want to be friends with them
Thanks so much for your heartfelt post and I will remember them in my prayers today.
Hugs,
Susan

Thanks for coming back and writing your post. I also am new here and lost the last and my favorite special one 8 weeks ago. But in my lifetime there have been as many as I could fit into my years and each passing takes a piece of my heart but the memory fills the hole somewhat.

I wish you more special friends that live a very long healthy and happy time and give you more good memories. Maybe someday you will visit the New Beginnings Section, which is fairly new, and let us see any new additions you happen to have.

They are our special friends for the rest of our lives!

I'm not yet in a position to really offer any advice as I'm in the same boat as you. My cat Nova went in the matter of an hour last Sunday. I thought the same thing..get him to the vet, watch them work their magic, and come home all safe and sound. Didn't happen for me either.

It hurts real bad.