Tonight the pressures of this life falls heavy on my soul. I feel so sad and so alone and hate the feeling of death brushing my soul. I have tried so hard to pretend that all is well. But all is not well I am living a death sentence for my little Snookie girl. I have repeatedly told myself that she will not die, all the vets I took her to must be wrong, they must be liars, or worse still killers for what ever reason wanting to kill my baby.

Then I told myself over the last 10 months there must be a mistake, all the tests must be wrong how could my darling be ripped from my heart, from my life, from my soul. How can they tell me she has to many things wrong with her to save her life no operation could change anything. Do they not know she is my heartbeat, my baby, the love of my life. I was willing to sell all I had, do anything I had to do.

I begged God not to take her from me but I guess I must admit that is not to be. I am seeing a decline in her health she is weak and I don't know how much longer her love can keep her holding on. I can't pretend any longer that she is going to get well. I feel the death sentence is mine, my heart breaks, bleeds and dies a little more with each passing day.

Some say be glad she has lived longer than she was expected to and I thank God for everyday every second that she is with me. Yet the death sentence hangs over my head I do not know when her precious life with be over and she will leave this world. Unless she goes with me I am afraid to leave the house for fear I will come home and she will be dead.

Yet even a greater fear grips my soul that I will have to have her put to sleep when she can no longer hang on. I am even more fearful since I had to have little Chili Bean put to sleep. I fear I will lose my mind or shut my heart to love. Love has a price and that will be the agony of loosing my little girl and yet I would not give it up for anything in this world. I have been so loved. I just had to say what was in my heart tonight.
Ann

Hey, sorry to hear Snookie Girl is getting worse. There are a few things that you can take heart of...1) you have been loving her to the fullest of both of your lives. 2) Be thankful that your vets are being as honest as they can with you. When Bronte went in for surgery they were so sure she was going to be fine. I had started to prepare for her passing then when they gave me hope and made me feel as if they had everything under control, it felt 10x worse when she I had to put her down after the surgery. 3) The fact she's holding on as long as she can is a miraculous thing. maybe she's being strong for you. Take my advice, love every moment you have left. Start collecting little keepsakes. An ink print of her paw. A picture of the two of you together. Give her her favorite foods, even if they're people food. She's being very brave and deserves peanut butter cups if thats what she wants. You also may consider making those horrible arrangements for afterwards. I know that sounds morbid, but you want the possible best for her. When your in your ultimate grief, you want the time to mourn not make special arrangements. I wasn't prepared and now I have so many regrets on how I could have handled it better. Good luck, and big hugs April.

Oh Ann, I just know that your heart is breaking, it sadly is a long good-bye for you and Snookie, you are grieving all along the way, and now fear of what is to come haunts you. But I'm here to tell you that you will make it through, tattered and torn but through. A time will come when you feel better, I promise. You have been experiencing all the stages of grief...and the passing of Chili and Amber getting sick has probably brought what you are dreading the most right up to the surface. So you will do what you have to do to make it through and then you will breathe a sigh of relief....only because the long agony of goodbye will end.
I have never been able to say goodbye to any one of my fur babies.....goodbye just isnt in my vocabulary. I beleive it was Muffins mom that said life is hello...goodbye......then hello again.
Thinking of you.......Pamela and Moose

Hi Ann, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. So many little ones being so very sick. I'm sorry that Snookie is getting worse.

I know the fear well, because my Falkor is on a rollercoaster ride with his arthritis/epilepsy/hypthyroid. He was so sick last week, and I hardly slept at all. I kept LISTENING. It was weird. I kept listening for death. It was as if when I was awake I could somehow protect him. It's insane, but the mind can do insane things when grieving.

Luba got violently ill overnight while I was fast asleep. I guess my mind is saying "if you stay awake for Falkor it won't happen to him".

Remember to take care of yourself. Try and eat. Try to get some sleep. The furbabies want you to do this.

Its a long hard journey i know and when the time is right you will do what is needed to be done becuase you love Snookie more than you love yourself - same as you loved Chilli Bean more than you loved yourself.

Chilli Bean will be there to show Snookie the way and we will be here for you.

Until then take good care
Love Sue

and when the time comes I want you to think of us all there with you in spirt and thought holding your hand and living this experience with you. Pamela and Moose
a host of love surrounds you!!!!!

I doubt that you will close your heart to love because you are going through this painful time now. You say that you wouldn't give up what you had with Snookie for anything in the world. That tells me that although your heart is raw and sore, it still bears that great capacity to love. Love does have a price, but that is what gives it its value. Nothing wonderful is ever easy. You will handle it with as much grace and strength as you have within you, because that is the way you are, the way you are designed.

You are in my thoughts. I am sorry that Snookie is getting worse.

Thanks to all of you who posted and e-mailed me. It helps to know I am not alone and you are all so wonderful to share in my pain. The journey has been long and when we lost our little Chili Bean the fear that we would lose Snookie became even more intense. A so called friend once told me that I have not lost her yet and why was I so upset.

I guess some people just cannot conceive that each day for the past 10 months has been spent living with the fear of will it be today that I will have the most wonderful part of my life ripped away from me. Each time she becomes ill just upsets me so much but she is so strong and her love holds her here longer. But how much can her little body eaten up with cancer and that dreadful cushings disease take before she gives up the will to live.

I have read so many on here who have had regrets that they sent them to the Rainbow Bridge to soon and some have regrets they waited to long. Everyone tells me oh Ann you will know when the time is right, if so why does everyone have guilt about it? I hope I will not be faced with that decision for a while to come. My baby girl hardly ate or drank today and has been moaning when anything touches her stomach but I pray she gets well again as she has in the past.
Ann

Hi Ann:

You are NOT ALONE........and, we will all ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU....

I know that after our sweet Ernestine was put to sleep on February 7, 2004 (at age 19yrs & 10mos.)......Ben and I were
broken-hearted..........
My God......I "bought" Ernie Bird for $10.00 at a pet store in Boston, at age 23, and she was put to sleep when I was 43.

We had sooooooo much history together...so much love....so much pain....A BEAUTIFUL & COMPLETE LIFE!!!!
No......Certainly, I did not want her to go....BUT.......Ernestine was so very ill!!!!
She had lost 25% of her body weight in the last 3 months of her life. (8.2 - 5.9 pounds)....

She had had hyperthyroidism at age 15, and had a thyroidectomy (1/2 her thyroid removed), and she was put on
Tapazole medication.
Monthly blood tests........Medication doses up & down....

So........I would say it was during the summer of 2003......she developed kidney disease......
And, she was at the vet's much more often..

Her heart rate WAS ALWAYS ABNORMALLY HIGH (over the 300 beats per minute, range), after she was diagnosed with
hyperthyroidsim......

But, what I want to say is that in having our poor girl be ill..........a few years before we needed to put her to sleep....
We knew that, given her age..........it was only a matter of time......
A wonderful, wise poster here at LS told me that "perhaps you were grieving her death even before it came..

And, YES............THAT WAS TRUE!!!!

I didn't realize it at the time..........but, one month after, Ben and I adopted two new furcats at a shelter........
Ms. Lucy and Mr. Yoster were badly abused..........(they were housemates, along with four other kitties).....

But, we wanted them as "our new kids"......

It has been 9 months since we have had Ms. Lucy and Mr. Yoster..........
Sad to say........Ms. Lucy has been diagnosed with Asthma and diabetes...........

Yes, they are both TREATABLE CONDITIONS, and, we find that giving her an injection of insulin is easier than
putting a MASK OVER HER little face........
I can imagine that she feels we are smothering her..........and we feel terrible...
So terrible that she doesn't get these treatments very often....

She fights that mask like crazy....... And, I don't blame her....
But, if we give her Prednilisone, her blood sugar will go FALSELY HIGH, so we are desperately trying not to do that......

Dear Ann...........You and your husband have been through so very much lately....
SO MUCH!!!!!

Your dear, darling, baby Snookie KNOWS HOW VERY, VERY MUCH SHE IS LOVED!!!!!!! Everything you do, she knows
is for HER!!!!!

When I HEAR OUR SWEET MS. LUCY WHEEZING...........OR COUGHING.........MY HEART ABSOLUTELY BREAKS!!!!!

I run over to her, comfort her.........Ben and I both do.......
And, we've put the mask on her, but she'll run into a hiding place, where we cannot get her!!!!

As easy as some people might say it is to "give her the AERO-KAT"......Well, it's not!
If the time comes that she's really having difficulty, we will give her a Prednilisone, and take her in for a blood glucose
level......

Sometimes I look at our precious baby, and I just wonder.........."HOW LONG IS SHE MEANT TO STAY WITH US??? I hope she and Yoster are here with us for a good long while... (7 & 8, respectively...years).

No one knows...................IT'S THAT "GREAT MYSTERY"!!!

Just always know Ann...........that you have lots of friends, and, you have a friend near the Boston area who cares a
LOT ABOUT YOU!!!!!!

God Bless You & Your Family, Ann.......

Love, Denise, Ben, Ms. Lucy and Mr. Yoster xo

Ann dear
You are going through such a torturous time at the moment, but please do know that so many of us are thinking of you and your darling Snookie tonight.

When will you know? .... it is a difficult question. But with Tiggy who I had before my precious Ellie, the vet told me that because she was refusing both food and water the time had come for her. She had cancer, and the next day she was peacefully put to sleep.

Hold her in your arms, give her all your love, make memories of her. Paw prints maybe. I wish so much I had done a paw print of my little Ellie who died on Friday. All these things mean so much once they are gone. A little lock of her fur, which you could perhaps keep in a locket around your neck.

Take time to say your special goodbyes to her and tell her how much you love her, treasure every second of these moments. The memory of these moments means so much once they have gone.

I had 12 hours of goodbye time with my little Ellie. She was run over at 9pm on Friday and she died instantly. I carried her poor little body into the house and put her in her little snuggler bed, and arranged her as if she was curled up asleep. I knew in the morning I would have to take her to the vet to arrange the cremation and it would be the last time I saw her. I sat up all night with her stroking her and saying my goodbyes to her. Those memories are now so very very precious to me.

My thoughts are with you and your precious Snookie
jilly

Each one of you are so precious to me and I am so happy that I have made so many caring friends who really do care how I feel and are with me each step of the way. I say with me and not behind me because it is so much nicer with someone beside you.

I have not said much about Schnitzel the puppy my sister bought and gave to me. I was more than a little upset when she brought her over here. I was sure I could not love one who was there only because Snookie was going to die. But as time went on and Schnitzel followed me from room to room and would climb up in my lap I grew to love her very much. She now rides in the car with Snookie and me and although Snookie does not like her very well she does not try to harm Schnitzel in any way
Ann

Ann, as the others have said, we are here with you every step of the way!

And when the time does come, Snookie will not know the heart ache of misisng you, only because---to her there will be timelessness, and it will be like no time before you join her!

Denise shared about adopting her next babies, Lucy and Mr. Yoster. I know it will SEEM like the last thing on your mind, as it did with Denise and with me.... but I too have adopted...3 needy cats. And my love for them is in Little Girl's honor. She is proud of us.

Much love and support,

Kathy

Hi Ann,

I am sorry for all you are going through. I prayed that god would just take Eb overnite in her sleep, but that was one of my many prayers that just didn't seem to make it to his list of top priorities. You make sure to take care of yourself, I agree snookie wouldn't want to see you not taking care of yourself.

You and Snookie are in my thoughts and prayers
Sharon

I just can't tell you all how much all your love and understanding means to me. I have has so little faith in people all my life, I have been hurt so badly but now I see that there really are a lot of good people out there in this world. Thank you all!!!! You just don't know what it means to me.
Ann

Dear Ann,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and Snookie.

In my 44 years I've only had to make the euthanasia decision twice. Shiloh and my kitty Dolly. One thing that I did with both of them is I talked to them and asked them to give me a sign when the time was right. For Dolly, the sign we agreed on was that she would no longer be interested in eating. The day I offered her fresh shrimp (her absolute favorite) and she walked away, I knew it was time. Some would say I waited too long for Dolly...she had mammary cancer that had progressed to ulcerations. She walked around with a sanitary napkin strapped to her belly. As long as she had a zest for life and kept eating, I knew it wasn't time. For Shiloh, the agreement was that I'd know it was time when I got out her leash and she showed no excitement about going for a walk. Some might say I acted too quickly...but when I got out Shiloh's leash and she made no effort to go to the door, I knew it was time. I have no doubt about the decisions I made.

Ann, I didn't struggle over the decision in either case. I just offered it up, looked for the sign, and knew in my heart when the time was right. That's the best advice I can give you.
Love,
Kathleen

My heart is reaching out to you. Be strong.
I remember twenty years ago when I was on a new travel assignment, my sweet little cat Blackie who was 16 years old had come to the end of her wonderful life. I like yourself didn't want to let her go. However, I remember that evening after checking into the hotel, I picked up Blackie to put her on her pillow in the bed with me. I think we could read each others minds.............I know she was hanging on to get where I was moving to at that time it seemed and I told her that moment of my feelings and thanked her for all the years of a being in my life and making me so happy. I also told Blackie that its ok to go now because I will be fine and she will live in my heart always. She looked at me so awesome, gave me one more sweet little purr........took a deep breath and passed on. I am so happy that we accepted this together and though it was sad ..............there was some peace in asking her to leave......she just wanted to know that I would be ok.
I still miss her and my other four cats I raised with my son. We have beautiful memories to cherish always.
I am greiving again now with the loss of Esabella nineteen days ago. It seems like it gets a little bit harder as I get older........but I find that staying busy tends to help me during the days right now.
Finding this caring service is a gift..................there are so many wonderful people that truly care when you heart aches in pain and dealing with the dreadful fears that you are experiencing.
I took woke up this morning in tears and wishing I wasn't here. Its hard.
Please let your lovie go and stay in touch.
Take care of yourself!