Hi everyone,

Today has been 3 months since I lost my beautiful cat Jesse. I have been coming to this forum since then and even though I have never posted I have found your kind words to others in my heart. I have tried to post several times and would cry so hard that I couldn't finish. I loved my cat so much. I had him for 9 1/2 years, and he was so wonderful. The day I lost him you see was my fault and oh the pain and guilt I felt. It was Labor day, and the breeze was blowing and it was warm outside. The perfect kind of day that I could see My Jesse on our front porch just lounging (which he was good at, ha). I was leaving for work and since Jesse had been out that night, my first thought was to call him so he could come inside. When all of a sudden I felt a warm breeze and said, oh I'm not going to call him, I know he is out enjoying this weather (saying that with a smile on my face, thinking about him). Well, I go to start my car, and to this day I will never understand what he was doing laying inside the motor area in the summer (b/c I always tapped the brakes in the winter, knowing they get there to get out of the cold). But anyway, I'm sure you can figure out the rest of the story w/o me going over the details.

There is not a day that doesn't go by that I don't think of My sweet Jesse and miss him. He was so beautiful, and a faithful companion. Only a week ago I could start eating cereal without crying. I always shared my cereal and milk with him. He would sit at my feet waiting, and if I would take too long to finish my part he would start taking his big paws and try to reach the bowl. Then the other day, I was decorating for Christmas when I opened up a box and on the top was Jesse's stocking. It just didn't feel right not hanging it, but I know that he will have a wonderful Christmas in Heaven.

Sorry this is so long. The guilt is still there and everyday I tell my baby how sorry I am and that mama would have never meant to hurt him. I'm sorry Jesse......
Mama loves you!

Sandy

PS...Thank you Denise! This is a GREAT forum. The support I have received here (not knowing to anyone b/c I never posted) is unmeasurable. Thanks again.

Hi Sandy I am so sorry for the way your little Jesse died, he is such a beautiful baby. Terrible accidents happen and he knows that you loved him so much and would not hurt him for anything in the world. Come and share more with us about what he was like. Perhaps it will help with the guilt you feel for something so terrible that you did not do on purpose. You just wanted him to enjoy the beautiful day and I am so sorry you lost him.
Ann

Oh Honey, that is awful, truely awful. I have had the same experience you have, not with one of my own precious furbabies but a neighbors, it is truely an awful experience. I came here feeling guilty, what happened to My Moose was an ACCIDENT people here have helped me to see that. I had never really absorbed the meaning of an ACCIDENT until Moose. I wish I would have done a few things differently that evening but we just dont expect these things to happen to us and when they do it is tough to come to the point that you realize it wasnt your fault, it was just another day for you going to work. I know the pain you must be going through and I know it hurts so so much. Hang in there and keep posting, I PROMISE it will help you make it through this, it is only because of the people here tht I have made it this far..moment to moment,hour to hour, day to day. Pamela

What a terrible way to lose Jesse....I'm so sorry that you had to lose him like that (and at all). I know you must feel so much guilt but like Pamela said, it was an accident, there was nothing you could have done.

I am glad that you decided to post, I think that you will find it helps you heal. I find a lot of comfort in reading other's stories but every now and then just need to let off a little steam in a post about my kitty, Kasha. The people here are wonderful.....

Take care,
Kristie

Hi Sandy and welcome (no more lurking for you!)

I'm so sorry to hear Jesse's story. It was an accident. That's about all I can say, you didn't intend for things to turn out the way they have. Be gentle on yourself.

Your sharing of milk and cereal brought a smile to my lips. Mot, my old tortoise shell, used to share with me too. She's been gone for about 4 years now after being with me for about 18 years. I had forgotten about that until you mentioned it. It would always make me laugh when her paw would hook onto the edge of the bowl and she would try to pull it towards her. I always saved her some milk but like Jesse, she could be a little impatient at times.

You'll learn how to type through the tears, I think we all have dealt with blur vision. I had to have a good cry tonight myself...

Dear Sandy

What a beautiful cat Jesse is. He is gorgeous. And he was so lucky to have you as his owner for 9 or so years. I smiled as I read about you thinking that he should stay out and enjoy the lovely weather. You obviously were always thinking about him and how to make him happy. He was a very lucky cat. And while you feel guilty about how he died just remember you did not do it intentionally - it was just a terrible accident and unfortunatly accidents happen every day no matter how much we try to avoid them. As you read the posts you can see we all feel guilty about how our pets die - there is no perfect way. It hurts no matter what. And we all feel guilty about what we did or didn't do during their lives. I still cry about our family dog that died 14 years ago because I feel we neglected her towards the end of her life but then I focus on some of the good stuff we did and that helps. These are lucky pets - we loved them deeply and always will. I look forward to reading some more about Jesse.

Anthea

Hi Sandy,

I'm very sorry to learn of Jesse's death. I'm glad though that you finally decided to post....I think you'll be amazed at how much it helps to say exactly what you are feeling to people who understand and care.

Your feelings of guilt will get you down from time to time. It's happened to all of us, but we slowly learn to be kind to ourselves and face the fact that things happen that are beyond our control. None of us wants to part with our pets under ANY cir%%stances, but they, like we, are not immortal.

As time passes, we do learn to live without our pets and we become even more grateful for the time we had with them. We'll miss them always, but we will also remember them always. When you start feeling down, just remember how much Jesse loved you and how special he always made you feel. You'll find that he lives in your heart now and he'll always be there when you need him...even death can't take away the love or the memories.

__Jim