I have been feeling that even though I know I am on the rollercoaster of emotion. The hills dont seem to take my breath away, my pain and loneliness is replaced by a dull....(acceptance??). I still cry but it is different than in the begining. Part of me feels guilty for moving on...it has been hard to think of moving on without Moose but yet is seems to happen naturally no matter how I feel about it. I keep myself still from those painful places Birch Bay, the trails in the forest we walked on, I have no joy in them anymore. I want to go someplace I dont have the memory of every road I drive on, every corner I turn I miss his presence. Even in my struggle I feel like I am getting better but that nagging feeling of ......how could you feel better.....moose is gone....... i dont understand it and it may not even make any sence, but just another aspect of that nasty feeling of guilt. Well, just wanted to write what I was feeling today. Pamela

It seems to be all part of the healing process. We do need to forget pain in order to live more fully, but the painful parts of life help us to appreciate the good, happy parts more.

After a while, you find yourself laughing and enjoying something. You catch yourself (as you have expressed here) and think, "But my boy is gone. How can I be happy?" Your living life and laughing and loving is not a slight against Moose. It can't be - he would be happy to hear your laughter again.

Nor does it mean you will forget Moose. You won't. Moose will always live on in your heart. In the future, years later, you will dream about Moose, not want to wake up, and when you do, the pillow will be bathed in tears. It will feel like the grief is raw again. The tears are because we don't truly forget those we have loved.

But now, don't feel guilt for feeling. The laughter and enjoyment come back and every time you laugh, a big old tail will be wagging on the Rainbow Bridge, laughter echoing in his ears. Because you are owned by each other, always, for all time, but have to be apart just for now.

Dee Dee

Hi Pamela,
I really liked what Dee Dee said, her whole post brought tears to my eyes as she said it all. I believe Moose wants you to be happy too. Even while here on earth our babies strived to make us happy, as we always wanted what made they happy too.

While Amber was in the hospital my daughter and I was laughing about something silly. Suddenly she stared crying, I asked why she started crying and she said she was afraid it was wrong of her to laugh while Amber was so sick and was fighting for her life.

I guess we all worry about feeling happy or we feel guilt and think we are betraying them but that is not the case. I loved what Dee Dee said to you about everytime you laugh a big old tail will be wagging on the Rainbow Bridge.
Love, Ann

Pamela,

Ann and DeeDee said it all perfectly.

The guilt in feeling better happened to me too. It truly is part of the process. DeeDee said it better, but it's true that Moose is happy when YOU feel happy.

Love,

Kathy

Hi Pamela,

I always seem to feel guilty anytime I am not bawling my eyes out. It is true, I have been telling myself Ebony would not want me crying, this dog used to lick my tears away and me crying would only upset her. So I put up my bravest face for my daughter and try to move on, Each day a little of the sting goes away, but my longing to hold her and pet her and smell her stinky doggie breath has not gone away. I miss my friend dearly and I am not sure that will ever stop.

Keeping you in my thoughts
Sharon

*attached is a pic of daisy waiting for her sister Ebony to come home

Pamela,

I too feel the guilt of moving on after Romeo's death. I am only approaching week #2. Yesterday was the first time I cried in about 5 days, and I felt guilty because it was like I hadn't been thinking of him enough. I think as we all try to move on, we probably all have similar feelings with regards to "forgetting" our babies. I think a lot of it is simply a defense mechanism that protects ourselves.

I try not to think about Romeo too much. What I mean is, I think of him every day, but I try not dwell on him in too much depth, otherwise I know I will be sad and cry. I'll think of how I miss him and how good he was and how much he loved me. But what I try to do, even though I am giving no conscious thought to doing so, is to not think too long about it, because if I think about him for more than a couple minutes straight, I will become very sad and cry.

Others on this website who have more experience in dealing with the loss of their loved ones can probably help you better than I can, but I felt I would give you my experience in these first weeks of dealing with Romeo's loss; he was the first animal I've ever lost in which I was the sole recipient of his affections.

Steve

Pamela
I have felt a little better in the last 2 days, even though its now only 1 week since Ellie died. The 'feeling a bit better', consisted of finding that there were one or two moments in the day when I was not crying inconsolably or thinking about her constantly.

Shock horror, I felt so guilty. How could my darling baby not possess my every waking thought! I went and looked at her lovely picture in its frame. I heard her little words in my head. I know they didn't really come from her and I know I must have thought them up myself, but it felt like something she would have said if she could speak. I had a mental image of her in fields at rainbow bridge and she came running up to me and said Mummy I'm so glad you are feeling a bit better, I don't want you to be sad, you mustn't be sad. I'm all right, look I'm fine you can see. Please don't be sad Mummy.

I know it sounds so silly but it made me think that I could visit her in my mind sometimes at Rainbow Bridge and talk to her, and not have to wait all that time until our very final joyous meeting. I know this sounds silly, but I have to find different ways of coping, and this helps me a lot.

I am sure that Moose would say just the same to you Pamela, that he would not want to see you sad, that he would want you to be happy. He would know that it didn't mean that you loved him any the less, or that he wasn't forever in your heart and soul and mind. You are two soulmates and I am sure he is sending you love from his little spirit every minute of every day.

Jilly