I do not know what is wrong with me these past couple of weeks. I took Snookie with me in the car just like I almost always do and for the 1st time in her almost 11 years she went pee pee in my car seat.

I had only been in the store for around 15 minutes. When I came out and sit in it I raised my voice to her and said Snookie Lynn how could you do such a thing in my car and in my seat no less.

She hung her head and did not look at me the rest of the way home and I felt so ashamed for chewing her out. I know Snookie has to go to the bathroom a lot more in the past couple of weeks and I know she can't help it.

It seems she wants out every half hour or so and we have had some pretty cold wind chills and I have been unhappy having to go out with her so often. Snookie gets up at all hours of the night she barks and wakes me out of a sound sleep.

I fear the end might be closer than I want to realize. So why I am getting upset with her when nothing she has ever done has upset me? I feel like such a creep these days, my husband says it's the stress of losing Chili Bean so suddenly and the scare over Amber and the worry over Snookie.

Maybe so but it seems I would never get mad and raise my voice to my darling baby girl knowing that she could die anytime. I am wondering what has happened to me lately I am always so calm and tender towards animals and humans alike. I do not like myself very much these last couple of weeks.

The worst came when she got in bed with me when I was half asleep and I pushed her away and asked if she had been in the cat box as her breath stunk so bad. I told her pew how could you have done that you never do that rotten deed.

Later when I got up I saw she had threw up and had it all over the front of her. My God she needed comfort and I pushed her away.

I have never been more ashamed of myself in all my life. I can't understand what in the world is wrong with me and I am ashamed to tell you all about it but I feel so guilty I couldn't keep it in any longer.
Ann

My lady,,,,be kind to yourself, it is natural to be stressed, a part way down inside of you is mad that you have to say goodbye to her. You have time to undo having a bad day, it would be different Ann if Snookie passed at that moment. Our stess has to come out in some way whether it is getting ill, or getting mad, and as much as you come on here and comfort people, you are living your heartbreak. You have had quite an emotional few months and with Chili Bean, and Amber I'm sure you are feeling a little overwhelmed, you take it all on your shoulders you know, it seems to me you carry the burdens deep in your heart and you try and be strong for everyone but your heart is breaking, and that's okay. Give yourself some love today and extra attention to your baby girl and it will be fine, you can make it up to her...that's a good thing. Love Pamela

Dear Ann:

I have "felt" the same way that you are feeling, when our sweet Ernestine was alive...........I've done things like "shut the door on her at night, when she'd be meowing"...
I can CLEARLY REMEMBER feeling very, very guilty when, the next day.....I saw that she had perhaps thrown up, or
maybe she had eaten so much, she had no more wet food.....
It could've been ANYTHING.............but, you can be sure that I FELT SEVERE GUILT OVER IT!!!!!!!

And, a few months after...........we had to have her put to sleep.
And, I went back and thought of all of the "horrible things" that I did.....
After her passing..........I felt like the meanest 'EXPLITIVE' THAT EVER LIVED!!!!!!!!!!

Everything that Pamela said..........I TOTALLY AGREE WITH!!!!!!

Personally, Ben and I don't have any kids of the "human" kind..........Only the furry ones...

But, WE ARE ALL HUMAN............. WE REACT........

And, sometimes, when we do "REACT", we are not thrilled with that reaction..... You know??

You have been through sooooooooooo much stress lately Ann........You really, really have.........

And, you must, give yourself a "little break"....

I am thrilled to hear that Amber is home, and I pray for her continued healing.... God Bless her....She's a beauty!! (Ernie-Bird was a tortie & when Ms. Lucy adopted us....she's a tortoiseshell calico, too!!)
Is precious Amber, "a dilute tortie"??

With the passing of lil' Chili Bean not long ago........You're going through a lot......
Lil' Chili Bean is fine .......up at Rainbow's Bridge..........and, having a ball with all of our babies that have passed on before......
As I have said to a wonderful LS member, "Our kids are all having a blast up there at the Bridge!!!"

Your sweet, beautiful, precious, warm Snookie forgives you for your reaction, and actually UNDERSTANDS why you are
so stressed out...........

But, SNOOKIE ............you know, Ann..........she loves you with all of her heart........
And, she always will!!!!

Extra kisses..........extra hugs to your sweet girl.............
You're human, my friend...........
And, you and Snookie.............YOU ARE FAMILY............

Sometimes we all don't "act perfectly"..... And, that's OKAY!!!!
I have never, ever met "A PERFECT FAMILY".............
But still, we are family!

I'll just add...........Ben and I adopted Lucy and Mr. Yoster in 3/2004............ Ms. Lucy has developed asthma & diabetes.
So, each day we need to give her insulin..........
And, MY HEART IS SO TIGHT IN MY CHEST.........I LOVE HER SO MUCH...I DON'T WANT TO HURT HER..... Ben & I both love her.
But, to live "a longer life", she needs insulin; just like a HUMAN!!..... (She's approximately 7 + years old)..

And, if it means we have to chase her around to give her the insulin, then, that's what we have to do.............
So many people have said, "but she's a cat...........she has "tons of fur & skin that you can pick up, and make a tent" (to give the injection in).............
Well, MS. LUCY IS NOT A "SHAR-PEI", and she doesn't have a LOT OF EXTRA SKIN!!!!!

People (that are actually FAMILY)..........HAVE SAID, "I'd have her put to sleep.....just send her to God....."..... Well, you
can all imagine my thoughts!!!!!

As far as her asthma goes, we have her inhalor, and the "AEROKAT" (the inhalor spacer), but, when she sees that Ann........
She's off and running.........When we "do that treatment", it looks like we are "suffocating her"....!!

So, he doesn't get too much of the inhalor.......
I have to "think".........Hmmm......if she can "run away that quickly........her breathing can't be THAT BAD".....

I just want to let you know, Ann.............that, "I think that you are doing the VERY BEST THAT YOU CAN"!
As Human Beings, that is the best we can do....

As Pamela said,

God Bless You, Ann..............You're going through a lot............Just one foot in front of the other....Okay????

We'll all be here for you.

Denise xo

You know Pamela you must know my feelings all the way. I have never said it out loud not even to my husband but you are right I am mad that Snookie is going to die and I am heartbroken at the same time. For the 1st few months all I did was cry but as time went on I got mad.

I thought to myself why does it have to be my baby my little girl who is one of the sweetest anyone has ever known. I thought there are so many people out there who don't take care of their animals and they appear healthy and have lived many years.

It wasn't just a bad day I was having but I have been getting grumpy with Snookie off and on for the past couple of weeks. I hate myself for it and wish I could stop and the times I do get mean.

I find myself getting more weary by the day and I feel it is so hard to carry so much on my shoulders like you said Pamela. I cried so hard when I read your reply and I do have a broken heart but my family all except my husband expects me to be strong no matter what. I know God only puts on us what we can bare but I wonder how much the human spirit can bear.

What I really want to do is lay down and hold my Snookie and never let her go. I have always been so strong and now I find I can't make her better and I feel so useless. Oh my either I don't know what I really want to say or can't find it in me to say it so I guess I will end this.

Amber is not the dilute Denise she is all brown, red and orange throughout she does not have any white on her at all. I believe they call the browns in her chocolate, we think she is a doll and she is oh so sweet. She loves to be held and petted, rolls on her back and things like that. I am so glad that I am not the only one who has been mean and did things we did not want to do. I was feeling like everyone would dislike me when they found out.
Love, Ann

Hi Ann,

There are two different ways you can lose a pet and after being here for the last month I've seen the different paths people's grief takes. If you lose a loved one suddenly (in their youth or older) it's like running full-force into a brick wall. You didn't expect it and you have no idea how to deal with it. Then there are the sick little one who cling to life even though you know that they are going to die. It was like that with Kasha...medication, special food, and having to watch a long, constant decline in her health. Every day there was something else she lost...the ability to jump up on the couch, the bed, the window.... When she left me she could barely walk across the room. I remember the last few nights of her life...they were spent on the back patio (enclosed) because she couldn't hold her bladder anymore. I remember scolding her for peeing on the floor (everywhere!) one morning when I got up to feed my son. It was so early and I was so angry...there's nothing like stepping in cat pee at 3:00 in the morning to get you MAD. I yelled at her and put her out on the patio and left her there for the night. Now, it was warm out and she did love the patio but she knew that I was shutting her out and that I was angry. The poor baby's kidney's were shutting down, she was drinking at a furious rate to try and keep herself hydrated, she had lost bladder control and yet I reacted in anger when she made a mess. I knew then, like I do now, that I just wasn't ready to say goodbye (are we ever?) and I knew the end was near. It broke my heart to think of life without my old girl...I didn't think I'd even have the strenght to take her to the vet. I wasn't mad at her, I was panicked by the thought of losing her and knew that there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling the way you do. (btw, at the most stressful times for me I went out and played a game or two of racketball and then went to a yoga class.....anger out!)

Hang in there Ann...you are doing so well.

Kristie

Kristie's experience echoes mine. Oswald had had diabetes, and started to suffer kidney failure. I was always cleaning up after he peed in the wrong places. I put a catbox upstairs and surrounded it with plastic bags, but he would sometimes go in the box, lift his butt out the end, and pee on the floor. He also had one rug he liked to "go" on. I spent a lot of time trying to clean the rug. One day, he wandered into the livingroom and squatted, starting to pee on this rug. I screamed at him. I rolled up a newspaper and started banging it on the floor next to him. I was angry. I was upset. He had kidney failure and couldn't help it, but I yelled at him anyway. My rug was ruined - I ended up throwing it out.

I knew the day was coming close when that trip to the vet would have to be made. Yet I yelled at him. Poor, poor boy. I feel guilty about doing that, too. I wish I could take it back, but it is un-doable.

dee dee

That's exactly how it felt when my Luba went. She went from happily playing ball to critically ill, to dead within 48 hours.

Ann, don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing your best, and you are very tired. Your baby knows that you love her.

Thanks so much Kristie and DeeDee I am so glad that I wrote this post because I really did feel I was a creep and I was hoping that someone could tell me why my darling Snookie girl has been making me so uptight and if feeling like this was normal or not. You two and Pamela and Denise have made me see that I am not the only one who has acted this way.

The times I have chewed her out she looks at me with those bit sad eyes of hers and it is like knifes through my soul. Everytime sit down and cried after I got onto her for needing to go out so much when she could not help it. I said I would be more calm the next time but then I would find myself chewing her out when she woke me up in the night the next time.

I was always glad to take her out but every half hour in this cold Michigan weather is kind of hard to take and more so in the dead of the night. I guess I should be glad she doesn't do it in the floor yet. You have all been such a big help to me, what would I do if I didn't have you all!
Ann

what a good anology, yes, it was like hitting a brick wall.

Thanks Steph,
I just can't believe how weary I feel and I look pretty haggard I look years older and my eyes get blacker by the day under them. As far as sleep goes I don't get much of it I have fitful periods of sleep when I do get any. Some of my friends have even asked if my husband Clair had started hitting me after all these years. (30 years)

He has never touched me but even one of his friends said my God Clair did you hit your wife. That's sad that our friends think something like that is going on. They just don't seem to understand all the heartbreak we have been going through.

Well Clair loves Snookie, Chili Bean, and all our furry grand kids and instead of black he has white circles under his eyes now and they are puffy. His shoulders are drooped and sometimes there are tears in his eyes and to be honest now and then I hear him cry at night.

Oh man I can't seem to shut up these days and I never used to talk this much, it's like I am trying to rid myself of the pain or something but there is just no way to do that.
Love, Ann

Hi Ann

I am sitting here crying as I read your posts. I too feel so guilty. The very day Kippy died I pushed her outside even though she wanted to be inside. I cant believe I did it. But I too felt tired of cleaning up the messes and I have a one year old baby that I thought is going to end up in pee or worse. I think too I was in denial. If I didn't do anything special then there was nothing wrong. I knew she was going downhill but I just didn't want to face it. If I could have the time over then I would do a lot of things differently but most of us feel that way. I guess it is just the depth of our love for them. Since Kippy died on Friday I have been so horrible - to my kids, my husband, everyone but I am hurting inside and that makes us lash out. You are grieving and it has to come out somehow. We all understand.

Anthea

I learned about the anger part of grieving when I my dad was sick, I spent 5 months watching him get weaker, I would get irritated at him, mad as heck, I was tried, I went through every emotion before he passed, and I must confess it was almost a relief when he did, his suffering had ended, he lived a full life and died at 81. Also in the process of it all ...When it was over....I found that I had been gieving all along. I did'nt know why I was mad...but now I do. I was angry at God when Moose had to be put to sleep, angry at Moose for going that direction down the road, angry at myself. And for most of us women the stess comes out in our health,,, it's the way we were made, it is a motherly instinct, so we get bags and dark circles and it shows in our phyical self, and that's okay because somehow we end up being stronger than we thought we were and it most always works itself out. Pamela

Be kind to yourself, Ann. You're only human and considering what all you've been through in such a short length of time, I think it's incredible that you're even functioning at all.

Just remember, that's one of the things we love most about our pets---they don't hold grudges---they forgive instantly. Snookie has forgotten all about it...you should too.

Take care,
__Jim