My dog of 14 years Winnie died yesterday. She had cancer of the spleen and congestive heart failure. The two of those conditions combined caused fluid to collect in her abdomen which I took her to have removed about every two weeks. I have written before on alt.grief.petloss about knowing it when it would be time to put her down everyone told me I would just know. Yesterday I knew. I took her to the vet for her usual fluid removal, which always makes her feel better. When I picked her up she was happy and energetic. I brought her home, she had some water and a little food. I put dinner in the oven. I was in the shower when Winnie came and got me. She couldn't stand up, she kept falling over as she walked. I jumped out of the shower, got her to lay down and checked her gums, they were white. I called the vet and said that we were coming back that something was wrong. I had to climb back in the shower to wash the soap out of my hair, and then hurry and get dressed, it seemed like it took forever! Oddly I remembered to turn off the oven before I carried my Miss Winnie to the car. I was afraid she would die before we made it to the vet. She didn't, and managed to jump out of the car, but then was too weak to walk, so I carried her into the vet. He checked her abdomen to see if there was fluid or blood collecting in it, it was blood. In then tested her blood for red cell count, it was very low, meaning that her spleenaic tumor had ruptured and was hemorraghing. He said that it might stop and that she would be very weak for a few days and then get better, or he said the bleeding could continue and she would die in a few hours from blood loss. The whole time Winnie just lay there, not even flinching or moving as the doctor examined her, she wasn't looking at me but past me and I knew that she was ready to go. I few days before I had asked my best friend to ask her grandmother, who had died 10 years ago at the age of 103 and who was an inveterate dog lover, if she would meet Winnie on the other side so that she wouldn't be afraid and so that she wouldn't look for me (Winnie was my shadow, if I was in the other room she would come and look for me, she always looked for me, she always had to be where I was). I think that my bestfriends grandma Edna was there and my bestfriends dog Athena who died last year was there too. Winnie and Athena were pals. I think they came to get Miss Winnie. I told the vet that I thought she was ready to go, he agreed with me. I stayed there with her, my face next to hers, I told her I loved her, that I was sorry, and not to be afraid. I thanked her for being such a good dog and to go with Edna and Athena. I heard her last breaths and only stayed for a bit after she was gone, because she was so obviously gone. I had to make it home before I could get hysterical, which I did. I came home and listened to her favorite music, Chopin's sonatas, and cried and cried until I fell asleep crying. I spoke with my best friend, and my parents and my neighbor, all the people who loved my Winnie. That helped. This morning I walked my other dog, Woshdee, alone, without his companion of 10 years. It was awful, but I knew that he needs me to be strong for him now, and tried to make our walk as fun as possible. I just really miss her. I don't want her to come back and visit me, her whole life was about me, her afterlife shouldn't be. I want her to go with Edna and Athena and be happy without me. I know I will see her again someday, in the meantime I don't want her looking for me, I just want her to be content where she is. Despite the fact that I have other pets, her absence is keenly noticeable, there is a palpable lack of her presence and I miss her. Wherever she is, I want her to know that I love her, I miss her and that i'm sorry.

Hi Kelly,
How wise of you to have sorted out her afterlife for her, I wish id thought of it for my girls, I wished id known!!!
I don’t think Winnie will be looking for you, I think shell know exactly where to go and when, when she wants to check up on you and make sure you and all her other friends in the house are ok.

I was reading a book the other day and this is what Jan Fennell said about to have her second dog put to sleep in two days ‘my motto is simple: its either them in pain or us in pain, and it should never be them.’ How true that is that after they have gone the pain we feel is unbearable but what comfort those of us that believe in the afterlife can have knowing that they at least are ok.

God bless

Sue

Dear Kelly,
I cried when I read your post. My dog, Sonny, died three years ago of the same thing. It was the most agonising thing to see him growing weaker. I completely understand how you must feel now.
I can only agree with what has been said before though. The quote from Sue sums it up. They are all there waiting for us, I genuinely believe that, and what a happy day it is when we are reunited with them. until then, they left behind some very happy memories.

Yes, Sue, thank you for that quote.

And Kelly, I am so sorry for your loss of Winnie. You were a wonderful, loving strong parent for her; I feel grateful to you for that, and I know Winnie does too.

Sorry I haven't responded to all of the messages of support. I kind of don't know what to say, but please know that your words are greatly appreciated. These past few days have been strange, to put it mildly. Life goes on, but is interrupted by great interludes of sadness. I have some great friends who have been wonderfully supportive, and others who understandably uncomfortable around the grieving have not. I've started thinking of ways to memorialize Winnie. My best friends mom is a ceramacist and she is making me a special personalized urn for Winnie's ashes. I have started to embroider a picture frame for her picture. Oddly I took a bunch of pictures of her the day before she died, I hope they come out okay! My other dog, Woshdee (who is 11) I think is finally starting to figure out that Winnie won't be coming home and is feeling a little insecure. I've thought of adopting another dog to keep him company, and to ease my pain when it becomes his time to go, but I don't think i'm ready for that yet. I've decided to try and enroll him in the companion animal program at my local ASPCA, that way he'll have a job (his job before was to look after Miss Winnie) and the sense of giving back will be good for me. He has so much love, I should share it with others who don't have enough! Winnie will be giving back too, the day that she died I had bought a brand new bottle of lasix (a diuretic for dogs with heart failure and cancer who retain fluids), there is another pup that goes to my vet who has heart failure and also has to have his abdomen tapped bi-monthly, I thought I would donate Miss Winnie's prescription to his family. I'm hoping it's the same dosage and that they'll accept it. Despite all that the days are lonely without her and I imagine they will be for a very long time to come. Thank you all for sharing your stories with me of all your beloved animal friends. May we all work to deserve their love in honor of their spirit for the rest of our lives. This smily is for those of us who have found it hard to smile as of late.

Kelly,
That's so good of you to make a donation of Winnie's meds. When Saki died, we had a bunch of syringes, insulin and diabetic cat food around (Saki was diabetic), and we donated it to a local animal sanctuary...
And that sort of stuff helps, as does the process of memorializing them. Saki's urn sits on the mantle, though for a long time it sat here at the computer, and she'd watch me as I cried and posted and worked... I've been missing that lately; I think I'll put her back over here. That's wonderful that your friends mom is going to make you an urn. That will be very special indeed. I was nervous about transferring Saki's ashes before I did it, but it was ok. Saki's urn is shaped like a cat, and it is sort of this bronzed color, which is nice bc so was she. She's very light in my avatar, but when she got older, she got a lot darker.....